E23 - Friend

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:11] Announcer
    Welcome to NEWS MATSU.
[00:14] Announcer
    Here's our first story.
[00:16] Announcer
    The third season of the anime
     Mr. Osomatsu is coming to a close,
SIGN    Anime Mr. Osomatsu Contract Renewals
[00:20] Announcer
    so the leading stars of the show are negotiating their contract renewals
[00:23] Announcer
    for next season with the
     production committee.
[00:26] Guy
    How much each star shone will
    come under scrutiny during these
[00:29] Guy
    contract renewal talks.
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[00:31] Guy
    Let's see how talks went
    for Matsuno Osomatsu.
SIGN    On Hold 60,000 yen | 53,000 yen (estimated)
[00:35] Oso
    I'm gonna be completely honest here.
    They don't think highly of me at all.
[00:39] Oso
    If they lower my yearly salary this much,
[00:41] Oso
    there's no way I can go all
    out at the horse races!
[00:43] Oso
    I mean, I have a family, you know!
[00:45] Oso
    Not that I spend any money on them,
    but I still need to protect them!
[00:50] Oso
    Not that I spend any money on them!
[00:52] Oso
    I've done three seasons, become the
    eldest brother everyone loves,
[00:55] Oso
    and this is all I get? Hell no!
[00:58] Oso
    I'm not backing down this year.
[01:01] Guy
    How did things go for Matsuno Todomatsu?
[01:02] Todo
    God, they piss me off!
SIGN    On Hold 61,000 yen | 54,000 yen (estimated)
[01:04] Todo
    I've got nothing to say.
[01:06] Todo
    That's way too low!
[01:07] Todo
    If this is all I'm getting after playing
    the youngest brother this long,
[01:12] Todo
    what even is the point?
[01:14] Todo
    They don't get how much popularity
    my cuteness brought this series.
[01:17] Todo
    Totty's totes pissed.
[01:19] Todo
    I wanna go to Softbank! I want 500 million!
SIGN    Signed 1,200,000 yen | 4,800,000 yen (estimated)
[01:24] Guy
    How did things go for the rookies
    of this season, the Riceballs?
[01:27] Both
    Our pay went up!
[01:28] Ume
    We signed immediately.
[01:30] Shake
    We'll see you next season!
[01:32] Guy
    As for Matsuno Choromatsu...
SIGN    On Hold 65,000 yen | 58,000 yen (estimated)
[01:35] Choro
    Sign? Hell no! I deferred!
[01:38] Choro
    I'm not going to retort if
    this is all I'm getting paid!
[01:41] Choro
    They keep talking about good faith here,
[01:43] Choro
    but the only thing that talks in this
    situation is money. You get that, right?
[01:46] Choro
    Money, yen! Gimme money!
[01:48] Choro
    Money, money, money, money,
    money, money, gimme money!
[01:54] Guy
    Next up is Matsuno Ichimatsu.
SIGN    Signed 23,000 yen | 4,000 yen (estimated)
[01:59] Reporter
    You seem to have signed immediately
    despite your rate going down significantly.
[02:03] Reporter
    Why is that?
[02:04] Ichi
    B-Before I knew it, I just...
[02:07] Reporter
    Are you satisfied with your deal?
[02:10] Reporter
    Your rates go down each year
    and you keep signing instantly.
[02:15] Reporter
    Are you all right?
[02:21] Ichi
    Please kill me.
[02:23] Reporter
    Huh?
[02:24] Guy
    As for Yowai Totoko...
[02:25] Totoko
    I signed!
SIGN    Signed 81,000,000 yen | 165,000,000 yen (estimated)
[02:27] Totoko
    How much did I get? 165 mil!
[02:32] Guy
    Next up is Matsuno Jyushimatsu.
[02:34] Jyushi
    I did not sign today.
SIGN    On Hold 61,000 yen | 54,000 yen (estimated)
[02:36] Jyushi
    I didn't get to play in many games this year,
[02:39] Jyushi
    but I wish they would've
    acknowledged me more.
[02:42] Jyushi
    I mean, I was batting .280,
[02:44] Jyushi
    but I didn't get enough at-bats to qualify.
[02:46] Jyushi
    I was careful about walking batters,
    though they were all third-tier matches.
[02:50] Jyushi
    And I missed a lot of signs, and I let
    the ball fly between my legs a lot,
[02:53] Jyushi
    and whenever I challenged the
    ump's call, it ended in failure.
[02:56] Jyushi
    and I had 16 Tommy John surgeries...
[02:58] Reporter
    Er, excuse me...
[03:00] Jyushi
    Huh?
[03:01] Reporter
    Are you talking about baseball?
[03:02] Jyushi
    Yup! I sure am talking about baseball!
[03:05] Guy
    And lastly, Matsuno Karamatsu.
[03:09] Kara
    I'm not promoting jack shit. Screw all of you.
[03:12] Kara
    I'm not showing up in anything.
SIGN    On Hold 60,000 yen | 53,000 yen (estimated)
[03:14] Kara
    We're helping you promote
    this show to make it a hit,
[03:17] Kara
    and if we're not getting
    anything once it is a hit,
[03:20] Kara
    what the hell is our
     motivation supposed to be?!
[03:22] Kara
    Well? Well?!
[03:25] Kara
    I'm definitely not in the wrong here!
[03:27] All
    You tell 'em, Karamatsu!
[03:29] Kara
    Give us royalties, too!
[03:30] All
    Yeah! Yeah!
[03:32] Kara
    Give us bonuses!
[03:33] All
    Yeah! Yeah!
[03:34] Kara
    We can't buy any fancy cars like this!
SIGN    Anime Mr. Osomatsu Contract Renewals
[03:39] Lady
    Looks like things went
    badly again this year.
[03:42] Lady
    The next season may be in danger.
[03:44] All
    Money! Money! Money! Money! Money! Money!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Toukyuu
SIGN    "Shopping"
[05:21] Jyushi
    What are you guys buying today?
[05:25] Todo
    I'm thinking something suited for spring.
[05:26] Choro
    Same. I hope I find something
    with a bright feel.
[05:29] Jyushi
    What about you, Karamatsu-niisan?
[05:31] Kara
    I'm thinking about changing
    up my image a bit.
[05:33] Jyushi
    Seriously?
[05:35] Kara
    I might be feeling adventurous today.
[05:36] Jyushi
    What?
[05:38] Todo
    What about you, Ichimatsu-niisan?
[05:40] Ichi
    Something normal.
[05:41] Todo
    What would you consider normal?
[05:43] Ichi
    Something plain that doesn't stand out.
[05:45] Todo
    Oh, I see.
[05:46] Oso
    Well, we won't know what they
    have until we get there.
[05:50] Todo
    Yeah, you never know what it
    actually looks like online.
[05:53] Kara
    I hope we all find something
    nice today, brothers.
[05:55] Choro
    Yeah.
[06:18] Todo
    Ichimatsu-niisan.
[06:20] Todo
    I think this would look great on you.
[06:22] Ichi
    Really? Isn't it too flashy?
[06:23] Todo
    No way! You'll look great in it!
[06:26] Ichi
    I was thinking about this one.
[06:28] Todo
    That's way too plain. Go for this one.
[06:29] Ichi
    Really? I've never worn
    something like this before.
[06:33] Ichi
    It might look good on me,
    but I wouldn't be comfortable in it.
[06:36] Todo
    Yeah, I guess I can see that. Okay...
[06:40] Kara
    Totty, can I see your smartphone?
[06:46] Kara
    There you go.
[06:49] Choro
    They're all good in their own way.
[06:52] Kara
    I think this one's a nice color.
[06:54] Choro
    Maybe this one, too.
[06:56] Both
    Hmm... This is so hard.
[06:59] Todo
    Did you pick something, Osomatsu-niisan?
[07:01] Oso
    Yeah, this one.
[07:02] Todo
    Really?
[07:04] Todo
    Are you sure? Did you really think about it?
[07:06] Oso
    This one was the cheapest.
[07:07] Todo
    Nah... If it's cheap,
    there's definitely a reason.
[07:12] Todo
    See? You can see the difference, right?
[07:17] Oso
    Oh, you're right! They're totally different!
[07:20] Todo
    This one seems cheaper, right?
[07:22] Oso
    Yeah, it's shoddy! Yikes!
[07:25] Jyushi
    How's this outfit?
[07:29] Oso
    Jyushimatsu, what the hell is that?
[07:31] Choro
    You don't have to wear it for laughs!
[07:33] Choro
    You can't walk outside with an
    embarrassing design like that!
[07:36] Todo
    Talk about a waste of money!
[07:40] Kara
    What do you think?
[07:41] Ichi
    What?
[07:42] Kara
    Huh? It's no good?
[07:44] Ichi
    You should go for something plainer.
[07:45] Kara
    But this looks so cool!
[07:47] Ichi
    It's cool on its own, but not when you wear it.
[07:51] Kara
    But this is what I want to wear!
[07:52] Ichi
    What you want to wear and what looks
    good on you are separate things.
[07:55] Kara
    I see.
[07:58] Todo
    Which one should I get...
[08:00] Todo
    Well?
[08:01] Oso
    You look the same as usual.
[08:03] Todo
    What about this?
[08:04] Choro
    Go for it.
[08:06] All
    Nope, no way.
[08:08] Kara
    It's okay.
[08:10] Oso
    Hey! That looks great on you!
[08:12] Todo
    Man, it's so hard to decide!
[08:20] Jyushi
    Excuse me!
[08:23] Guy
    Customer number 14!
[08:26] Jyushi
    Here!
[08:27] Guy
    We've finished fixing your sleeves.
[08:30] Guy
    What do you think?
[08:32] Jyushi
    It's perfect! Thank you very much.
[08:38] Guy
    I'll wrap them up for you.
    Please wait a few minutes.
[08:40] Todo
    Oh, no need for that.
    We're going to wear them home.
[08:46] Guy
    Thank you very much!
[08:49] Oso
    Man, I found the perfect one!
[08:51] Kara
    I got adventurous.
[08:53] Jyushi
    We've got even more stuff to wear now!
SIGN    End
[08:59] Sign
    Congratulations
[09:03] Sign
    Akasaka High School
    OXth Akasaka High School Graduation Ceremony
[09:25] Tachi
    Professor.
[09:30] Choro
    Tacchan!
[09:36] Tachi
    It's been a while, Professor.
[09:38] Choro
    It has. How many years has it been
    since we graduated high school?
SIGN    "Friends"
[09:42] Tachi
    It's definitely been a while.
[09:44] Choro
    But you actually showed up.
[09:46] Tachi
    Of course I did.
[09:49] Tachi
    There's no way I could forget
    what happened here on that day.
[10:01] Choro
    Yeah.
[10:06] Tachi
    But you sure have changed, Professor.
[10:09] Tachi
    You're totally different from
    when you were in high school.
[10:11] Choro
    Look who's talking!
    You're like an actual adult.
[10:15] Tachi
    How are your brothers?
[10:17] Choro
    They haven't changed.
[10:18] Tachi
    So much happened during high school.
[10:21] Choro
    Yeah.
[10:24] Tachi
    Karamatsu was such a scaredy-cat.
[10:26] (Flashback) Tachi
    Hey.
[10:28] (Flashback) Kara
    T-Tatsunami-kun...
[10:30] (Flashback) Tatsu
    Know where Professor is?
[10:32] (Flashback) Kara
    Sorry! I have no idea...
[10:34] Choro
    He got scared so easily.
    He was way too quick to cry.
[10:38] Tatsu
    Well, how I looked probably didn't help.
[10:42] (Flashback) Girl
    Matsuno-kun.
[10:42] (Flashback) Kara
    Yes?!
[10:44] Kara
    Yeah, no. He's way too scared.
[10:46] Tatsu
    Ichimatsu was hard to get along with.
[10:49] (Flashback) Tatsu
    Know where Professor is?
[10:50] (Flashback) Ichi
    Professor?! You must mean Choromatsu!
[10:57] (Flashback) Ichi
    I don't know! Yay!
[11:09] Choro
    He's trying way too hard. It hurts to watch.
[11:12] Tatsu
    Todomatsu was super needy, like a little kid.
[11:16] Choro
    He really is a kid.
[11:19] Choro
    Wait. Is he getting smaller?
[11:23] Choro
    Huh?!
[11:25] Tatsu
    He was such a cute little guy.
[11:27] Choro
    Now he doesn't have any time
     for me at all, though.
[11:32] Todo
    Creepy.
[11:34] Tatsu
    Jyushimatsu was always acting tough.
[11:36] Tatsu
    He was always picking fights.
[11:38] (Flashback) Jyushi
    You wanna throw down? Huh?!
[11:42] Choro
    Who is he fighting?
[11:43] (Flashback) Jyushi
    The hell are you lookin' at?!
[11:44] Choro
    You're the one staring.
[11:48] Choro
    Are you pretending to fight someone?
[11:51] Choro
    How the hell did you lose?!
[11:53] Tatsu
    And Osomatsu truly was an idiot.
[12:11] Choro
    Why'd he even bother going to school?
[12:15] Choro
    Honestly, all of these are
    just precious memories now.
[12:18] Tatsu
    Yeah.
[12:20] Tatsu
    Though, in my case, that's all
    thanks to you, Professor.
[12:23] Choro
    Oh, stop. Where'd that come from?
[12:26] Choro
    Also, you're basically the only one
    to call me Professor, Tacchan.
[12:30] Tatsu
    I'm truly grateful.
[12:32] Tatsu
    You saved me back in high school.
[12:35] Tatsu
    If you hadn't been around,
    by now I'd probably be...
[12:47] Tatsu
    No one liked me.
SIGN    Akasaka High School
SIGN    Akasaka High School
[12:50] Tatsu
    I felt like there was no point
    in going to that school.
[12:52] Tatsu
    I was thinking of quitting.
[12:55] Tatsu
    But that was never going to work.
[12:59] Tatsu
    Because...
[13:00] (Flashback) Choro
    Tacchan!
[13:04] (Flashback) Tatsu
    Professor!
[13:07] (Flashback) Tatsu
    Look at this insane lineup!
SIGN    Melon
    The High School Girl
     of Your Dreams
SIGN    First Press Comes with a DVD!
SIGN    Hot Wives Special
SIGN    The Legend of Satomi
[13:10] (Flashback) Tatsu
    How did you get all of these?!
[13:14] (Flashback) Choro
    I can't have you underestimating
    my skills, my friend.
[13:16] (Flashback) Tatsu
    Way to go, Dirty Magazine Professor!
SIGN    Melon
    The High School Girl
    of Your Dreams
[13:27] Tatsu
    I didn't quit because I wanted to read all
    the dirty magazines you brought to school.
SIGN    Supplementary Test
[13:34] Tatsu
    But since I was an idiot, I kept failing,
[13:37] Tatsu
    so I had to take supplementary
    exams to avoid flunking out.
[13:41] Tatsu
    The teacher realized I was cheating.
[13:45] Tatsu
    I thought everything was over, and then...
[13:51] (Flashback) Teach
    What's this?
[13:53] (Flashback) Teach
    This is shameful! Absolutely shameful!
[13:57] Tatsu
    Thanks to that dirty magazine,
    I wasn't held back.
[14:01] Tatsu
    I can't tell you how many
    times they saved me.
SIGN    Bazoongas Festival
[14:21] (Flashback) Choro
    Yay!
[14:22] (Flashback) Tatsu
    Yay!
[14:36] Tatsu
    I'm truly grateful.
[14:39] Tatsu
    Thanks, Dirty Magazine Professor.
[14:42] Choro
    Nah, I didn't do anything. It's all
    thanks to those dirty magazines.
[14:47] Choro
    And now, they're just some great memories.
[14:50] Tatsu
    Yeah.
[14:52] Choro
    But I need to apologize to
    you for what happened.
[14:58] Choro
    That scar under your eye.
[15:01] Choro
    That was all my fault.
[15:04] Tatsu
    It's not your fault!
[15:05] Choro
    No...
[15:06] Choro
    It totally is.
[15:15] (Flashback) Choro
    No! It just came out! I haven't
    even gotten to look at it yet!
[15:24] (Flashback) Tatsu
    Stop that!
[15:27] (Flashback) Tatsu
    You'll be sorry if you lay a finger on...
[15:31] (Flashback) Tatsu
    that dirty magazine!
[15:33] (Flashback) Choro
    Tacchan!
[15:34] (Flashback) Guy
    Who the hell are you?!
[15:42] (Flashback) Guy
    You little shit...
[15:45] (Flashback) Choro
    Tacchan!
[15:58] (Flashback) Choro
    You okay?
[15:59] (Flashback) Tatsu
    Don't worry about me! Is the magazine okay?
[16:00] (Flashback) Choro
    Yeah! I protected it with my life!
     Let's look at it together!
[16:05] (Flashback) Choro
    Yay! It's a sealed page!
[16:08] (Flashback) Tatsu
    W-Wait, Professor! If you rush too much—
[16:10] Choro
    Take that!
[16:16] (Flashback) Choro
    Ta...
[16:16] (Flashback) Choro
    Tacchan!
[16:24] Choro
    It is my fault.
[16:25] Tatsu
    It's not your fault.
[16:26] Choro
    No, it's definitely my fault.
[16:29] Tatsu
    No! It was all because of that sealed page!
[16:32] Tatsu
    Sealed pages make people go insane!
[16:36] Choro
    Thanks, Tacchan.
[16:38] Choro
    They're all just precious memories now.
[16:43] Tatsu
    Yeah.
[16:48] Tatsu
    To think we were so close...
[16:51] Tatsu
    and ended up causing that incident.
[16:54] Choro
    Actually, that tragedy might've
    happened because we were so close.
[17:11] (Flashback) Choro
    You betrayed me.
[17:14] (Flashback) Choro
    Say something.
[17:20] (Flashback) Choro
    You have a girlfriend, don't you?!
[17:23] (Flashback) Choro
    You don't need these dirty
    magazines anymore, do you?!
[17:25] (Flashback) Choro
    You traitor!
[17:27] (Flashback) Choro
    Who cares about these anymore?!
[17:29] (Flashback) Tatsu
    Stop it, Professor!
[17:32] (Flashback) Choro
    What's more important?
    The dirty magazines or your girlfriend?
[17:37] (Flashback) Choro
    The dirty magazines are more
    important, right, Tacchan?
[17:43] (Flashback) Choro
    I guess you don't need your
     girlfriend anymore, then.
[17:46] (Flashback) Choro
    She's in your room right now, isn't she?
[17:50] (Flashback) Choro
    Let's get rid of her.
[17:55] Tatsu
    There was something wrong
     with us back then.
[17:58] Choro
    To think we'd do something like that
    to an innocent girl like her...
[18:14] Tatsu
    And then, on that day...
[18:19] Choro
    At that moment...
[18:20] Tatsu
    In this place...
[18:24] Both
    ...we buried her here.
[18:26] Choro
    Every time this day comes, I think about...
[18:29] Tatsu
    ...what we do for atonement.
[18:34] Choro
    So that we don't forget this tragedy...
[18:37] Tatsu
    Because we can't escape our sin...
[18:42] Choro
    She's still buried.
[18:45] Tatsu
    Yeah.
[18:49] Choro
    These are just precious memories now, too.
[18:53] Tatsu
    Yeah.
[18:58] Choro
    Man, this takes me back. I wish we
    could go back to being kids, Tacchan.
[19:02] Tatsu
    That's not gonna happen.
[19:05] Tatsu
    We're adults now.
[19:09] Choro
    Tacchan...
[19:11] Tatsu
    See ya, Professor.
[19:15] Choro
    H-He disappeared?
[19:18] Choro
    Oh, right. Tacchan never
    existed to begin with.
[19:24] Choro
    The dirty magazines were basically my whole
    identity in my shitty high school life,
[19:29] Choro
    and I wanted to share that with someone.
[19:31] Choro
    So he was basically my imaginary friend.
SIGN    End
[19:39] Choro
    Sheeeh!
[21:21] Ichi
    You're actually an imaginary
    friend I thought up, aren't you?
[21:26] Oso
    Huh?
SIGN    "IF Doubts"
[21:27] Ichi
    I know. You can't fool me.
[21:29] Ichi
    You're actually an imaginary
    friend who doesn't exist.
[21:32] Oso
    The hell?
[21:34] Ichi
    You're a fictional friend I thought up.
    For mental and emotional support.
[21:38] Oso
    And you're saying that's me?
[21:39] Ichi
    Yeah.
[21:40] Oso
    Why, though?!
[21:41] Oso
    We've lived together ever since we were born.
[21:44] Oso
    And I'm not your friend. I'm your brother.
[21:47] Ichi
    You can't fool me. You don't exist.
[21:49] Oso
    What are you talking about?
[21:51] Ichi
    Prove to me that you exist, then.
[21:53] Oso
    What?
[21:54] Ichi
    See? You can't. Because you're imaginary.
[21:57] Ichi
    But don't worry. If I die, so will you.
[22:03] Oso
    Wait, stop, Ichimacchan! I actually exist!
[22:06] Oso
    See? Your big brother's right here!
[22:09] Ichi
    You're right. You do exist.
[22:13] Ichi
    Which means you're not my imaginary friend.
[22:17] Ichi
    I'm an imaginary friend you made up.
[22:21] Oso
    Huh?
[22:21] Jyushi
    If you die, I'll disappear, too.
[22:23] Oso
    What?
[22:25] Oso
    Wait, stop!
[22:27] Oso
    Why does my method look way
    more painful, Ichimacchan?!
[22:30] Ichi
    Why are you so scared
    when this is all imaginary?
[22:33] Ichi
    We imaginary sextuplets
    live our imaginary lives
[22:36] Ichi
    in this imaginary house,
    imagined by someone's imagination!
[22:39] Oso
    I don't follow.
[22:41] Ichi
    All of you, listen up.
[22:42] Oso
    Who are you talking to?
[22:44] Ichi
    All of your friends, lovers,
    family, coworkers...
[22:48] Ichi
    They're all just your imaginary friends.
[22:51] Oso
    Stop that.
[22:51] Ichi
    This anime doesn't even exist.
[22:55] Ichi
    It's just something imaginary that your
    imaginations thought up to watch every week.
[22:59] Ichi
    The epitome of imagination!
[23:01] Ichi
    You're all messed up.
[23:02] Oso
    You're messed up!
[23:03] Ichi
    Now, say goodnight, imaginary friends.
[23:08] Ichi
    I'll throw you into the depths of despair
[23:10] Ichi
    again next week with your lovely imagination.
[23:12] Oso
    Stop!
[23:13] Ichi
    Is it imaginary or is it not
    imaginary? Nobody knows.
[23:18] Ichi
    That's...
[23:21] Ichi
    imaginary.
[23:25] Oso
    Uh, you just want to say "imaginary," don't you?
[23:28] Ichi
    No. We ended up with extra time.
[23:30] Oso
    Well, that got realistic fast.
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:34] Todo
    Hey, it's Totty!
[23:36] Todo
    Next time on Mr. Osomatsu,
    we have "A-1 Grand Prix."
[23:39] Todo
    As you can imagine,
    my role in this will be...
[23:41] Todo
    Pretty nonexistent! Yup!
[23:43] Todo
    However... Irino Miyu has a
    surprisingly big part in this!
SIGN    "A-1 Grand Prix" etc.
[23:49] Todo
    Congratulations on this god-tier episode!