E15 - Jar / Karamatsu Taxi / Totty Quiz

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:06] Nar
    Unidentified mysterious animals,
    otherwise known as UMA.
[00:09] Nar
    The mysterious world of the occult
    is filled with passion and dreams.
[00:13] Nar
    This is the passionate tale of
    adventure of the men who were
[00:16] Nar
    enchanted by its mysticism!
[00:19] Iyami
    Iyami...
[00:20] Hata
    Hatabou...
[00:21] Jyu
    And Jyushimatsu's...
[00:23] All
    ...UMA Expedition Team! Doo-wah!
SIGN    UMA Expedition Team
[00:29] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[00:31] Iyami
    You two!
[00:32] Iyami
    Listen up! Our target this time is this!
[00:35] Iyami
    Chupacabra Deluxe!
[00:37] Hata
    Jo...
[00:39] Iyami
    It's a vampiric monster that sucks
    the blood of living creatures.
[00:41] Iyami
    If you ever encounter one,
    consider yourself dead.
[00:44] Jyushi
    Director!
[00:45] Iyami
    Me is not your director. Me is your captain.
[00:47] Jyu
    How are we going to catch
    this dangerous thing?
[00:51] Iya
    Leave it to me.
[00:54] Iya
    Sheeeh...
[00:58] Iya
    Me is truly a genius. Now they won't
    be suspicious of us or attack us.
[01:05] Iya
    Hey.
[01:11] Iya
    Hey.
[01:14] Iya
    Hey.
[01:17] Iya
    Hey.
[01:26] Iya
    Would you two be quiet?!
[01:45] Hata
    Jo?
[01:59] ---
    Jo?
[02:02] Iya
    Everything's fine.
[02:06] Iya
    Sheeeh!
[02:07] Jyushi
    Director?!
[02:08] Hata
    Jo!
[02:09] Iyami
    C-Calm down! They haven't figured us out!
[02:12] Iyami
    That's why they haven't attacked!
[02:14] Hata
    Jo?
[02:14] Iyami
    Act like a Chupacabra!
[02:17] Jyu
    Chu...
[02:18] Hata
    Jo...
[02:23] All
    Chu...
[02:33] Jyu
    They were onto us, after all...
[02:34] Hata
    Chu...
[02:35] Iyami
    Sheeeh...
SIGN    To Be Continued
SIGN    "Jar"
SIGN    Skyfish
    Yakisoba
SIGN    Chupacabra
    Udon
SIGN    Death Worm
    Ramen
    It's Delicious?!
SIGN    Gohandesuyon!
SIGN    Open
[04:46] Ichi
    I'm definitely turning it the right way...
[04:58] Oso
    Can't get it open, Ichimacchan?
[05:02] Oso
    Want me to help? You know,
    your reliable older brother?
[05:07] Oso
    Oh, no, no. You're never going
    to get it open like that.
[05:13] Oso
    Hey, hey, hey, hey!
[05:14] Oso
    What the heck are you doing, Ichimacchan?
[05:16] Oso
    The worst part of you is showing right now.
[05:20] Oso
    You can't just use brute strength on these.
SIGN    Here
[05:23] Oso
    You have to apply force here at
    the right moment, and go, "Hup!"
SIGN    Hup
[05:27] Oso
    Here I go.
[05:28] Oso
    First, you relax, and...
[05:32] Oso
    Huh?
[05:48] Oso
    What the hell is this?!
[05:49] Oso
    It won't open!
[05:53] Oso
    It won't open! It just won't open!
[06:01] Oso
    It won't open.
[06:04] Kara
    You pathetic string bean boys. Hand it over.
[06:08] Kara
    Watch and learn. This is how you open jars.
[06:25] Kara
    What the hell is this?!
[06:33] Kara
    See? Now you know.
[06:37] Kara
    This jar was never meant
    to open in the first place.
[06:41] Jyu
    That's not gonna work.
[06:44] Jyu
    The jar's figured out that
    you want to open it.
[06:47] Jyu
    Of course it won't open. You have
    to be more sneaky about it.
[06:52] Jyu
    First, you have to act like you
    have no interest in the jar.
[06:55] Jyu
    We don't care about that jar at all.
[06:58] Jyu
    Act like you don't care
    if it ever opens at all.
[07:05] Jyu
    And when its guard is down...
[07:10] Kara
    Go, Jyushimatsu!
[07:11] Oso
    Give it your best!
[07:12] Ichi
    It'll open!
[07:13] Oso
    You can do it!
[07:22] Jyu
    Fire!
[07:26] Jyu
    Yeah, this one's not meant to open.
[07:29] Choro
    Why are you guys wasting so much time?
[07:32] Choro
    Honestly. I can't believe you
    adults are screaming over a jar.
[07:37] Choro
    Don't you guys have anything better to do?
[07:40] Choro
    Aren't you embarrassed? Really, now.
[07:49] Oso
    What's with the hand?
[07:51] Choro
    Give it.
[07:51] Oso
    I'm sorry, what?
[07:53] Choro
    Hand over the jar. I'll give it a try.
[07:57] Oso
    No, really, it's okay.
[08:00] Oso
    No, no, no.
[08:02] Oso
    It's fine. What's your problem?
[08:04] Oso
    What the heck? We're just
    wasting time, right?
[08:06] Oso
    Adults shouldn't be crying over this, right?
[08:09] Oso
    You wanted to try,
    didn't you? Then just say so!
[08:14] Todo
    Just pour hot water over it.
SIGN    M! Answers
[08:17] Todo
    You just have to heat it up a little.
    Then it'll open easily.
[08:23] Todo
    Huh?
[08:24] Oso
    Todomatsu, did you really
    have to say that right now?
[08:27] Oso
    Everyone knows you just have to warm it up.
[08:29] Oso
    But we're all trying so hard because
    we feel like we lose if we do that.
[08:34] Kara
    Oh, Todomatsu.
[08:36] Ichi
    Todomatsu...
[08:37] Jyu
    Todomatsu.
[08:38] Choro
    Todomatsu!
[08:41] Todo
    What? Uh, I guess I'm sorry?
[08:45] Oso
    All right, let's work together.
[08:47] Oso
    We forgot the most important thing here.
[08:50] Oso
    This is when the six of us are supposed
    to join forces and do our best!
[08:53] Oso
    Let's go!
[08:54] All
    Yeah!
SIGN    Gohandesuyon!
[09:03] Oso
    Sorry!
[09:08] Kara
    Choromatsu!
[09:10] Jyu
    Final Fart Rush!
[09:13] Todo
    There!
[09:16] Oso
    Totty!
[09:18] Choro
    How about this?!
[09:24] Choro
    Guys!
[09:25] Jyu
    Final Fart Rush!
[09:45] Oso
    Wh-What the hell's wrong with this jar?
[09:48] Choro
    It won't open, no matter what we do.
[09:50] Ichi
    Th-Thanks, guys, but that's enough.
[10:00] All
    M-Mom...
[10:07] Mom
    O earth... O water...
[10:10] Mom
    Give me strength!
[10:17] Mom
    Jar... open!
[10:26] Oso
    Wait, that's how you're
    supposed to open it?!
[10:29] Choro
    There's no way we'd know that!
    You never taught us that!
[10:38] Ichi
    Huh? Mom?
[10:52] Mom
    Yeah, it's not meant to be opened.
[10:55] All
    What?
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Karamatsu Taxi"
[11:02] Toto
    This isn't good. I don't have much time.
[11:05] Toto
    I'll be late to the appointment.
SIGN    Akatsuka
[11:11] Toto
    Oh, thank goodness. I'm saved!
[11:15] Toto
    Excuse me, could you go to this place
    called Oplex that's located on
[11:19] Toto
    the other side of a tanning
    salon in Roppongi 6-chome?
[11:22] Toto
    It's a little hard to find, so I'll let
    you know when we're nearby.
[11:27] Kara
    Miss.
[11:39] Toto
    Uh, I don't have much time,
    so could you turn around faster?
[11:45] Toto
    You turn way too slowly!
    You're wasting my time!
[11:49] Kara
    Oplex? Understood.
[11:52] Toto
    I don't have time!
[11:53] Kara
    Ignition.
[12:02] Toto
    Um, by the way,
[12:05] Toto
    do you actually know what Oplex is?
[12:08] Toto
    It's not really well known.
[12:10] Kara
    But of course. I'm a taxi driver.
[12:15] Toto
    So cool!
[12:17] Kara
    Ignition.
[12:19] Toto
    They usually ask for the
    address for the navigation.
[12:23] Kara
    Oh, I won't be using the navigation.
SIGN    Safe
SIGN    Take a free
[12:25] Kara
    I'd be a loser if I used it.
[12:29] Toto
    So cool!
[12:31] Kara
    Ignition.
[12:32] Kara
    Oh, here, we'll use a secret path-tion.
[12:36] Toto
    Amazing! By the way, I'd like to
    get there in fifteen minutes.
[12:41] Kara
    We'll get there in eight-tion.
[12:44] Toto
    So reliable!
[12:59] Toto
    Um...
[13:00] Toto
    Are you lost?
SIGN    Vacant
[13:02] Toto
    Not only has eight minutes passed by,
[13:04] Toto
    it's been over thirty
    minutes, and I'm late now.
[13:08] Toto
    Hey.
[13:08] Kara
    Oh, here, we'll use a secret path-tion.
[13:11] Toto
    That's exactly why you're lost-tion!
[13:13] Toto
    Stop! Just stop!
[13:16] Toto
    If you don't know how to get there,
    just say so! I'll give you directions!
[13:21] Kara
    We'll be there in a couple of minutes.
[13:23] Toto
    Really?
[13:24] Kara
    Yes. Though a bit of time
    loss may be inevitable.
[13:28] Kara
    I'm a newbie, after all.
[13:30] Kara
    Right. Let's go.
[13:31] Toto
    What?! A newbie?!
[13:33] Kara
    Ignition.
[13:34] Toto
    No, wait, wait.
[13:35] Toto
    Wait, you're a newbie?
[13:38] Kara
    Yes, I just started today.
[13:40] Toto
    And it's your first day?!
    You're like this on your first day?!
[13:43] Toto
    And somehow you're acting like a veteran?!
    And you're wearing those sunglasses?!
[13:47] Toto
    Don't "?" me! Why are you so chill?!
[13:49] Toto
    Then there's no way you know where Oplex is.
[13:53] Kara
    I do.
[13:54] Toto
    Stop lying.
[13:55] Kara
    It's a swingers bar, right?
[13:58] Toto
    It's a café!
[14:00] Toto
    I wouldn't go to a swingers bar!
[14:02] Toto
    I'm in a suit, and it's daylight on a weekday!
[14:03] Toto
    How do I look like I'm
    going to a swingers bar?!
[14:06] Kara
    Well, you see all kinds
    when you drive a taxi.
[14:09] Toto
    But you just started today, didn't you?
    Why are you acting like a veteran?
[14:13] Kara
    Huh?
[14:14] Toto
    Don't "Huh?" me!
[14:16] Toto
    That's enough. Could you
    just use your navigation?
[14:19] Kara
    No. I lose if I use this.
[14:21] Toto
    Shut up, noob.
SIGN    Destination
[14:23] Toto
    6-chome in Roppongi...
[14:25] Kara
    6-chome in Roppon—
[14:30] Toto
    6-chome in Roppongi...
[14:35] Toto
    Roppongi...
[14:38] Toto
    Roppon—
[14:42] Car
    Karamatsu go, go, go!
[14:45] Car
    Karamatsu go!
[14:48] Toto
    What the hell's wrong with this taxi?
    How did it pass inspection?!
[14:53] Toto
    That's enough. I'm getting out.
[14:55] Kara
    Huh?!
[14:55] Toto
    How much do I owe you?
[14:57] Kara
    I didn't have the meter running!
[15:00] Toto
    Will this be enough, then?
[15:02] Toto
    Come on. Open the door.
[15:03] Kara
    I don't know how to open the door!
[15:05] Toto
    Then could you just go straight?
    I'll give you directions.
[15:09] Kara
    I'm out of gas!
[15:11] Toto
    Quit your job right now!
[15:14] Toto
    I'm sorry! I said too much, noob!
[15:17] Toto
    Noob!
[15:22] Toto
    Don't be like that, okay?
[15:25] Kara
    No... I'm going to quit.
[15:27] Toto
    But you finally managed
    to become a taxi driver.
[15:30] Kara
    I'm just not cut out for it.
[15:32] Toto
    That's not your problem.
    It's how you're acting.
[15:35] Toto
    You're trying to be a veteran way too fast.
[15:38] Toto
    You can act like that after you've
    had somewhat of a career.
[15:43] Kara
    I usually ask my customers
    where they'd like to go,
[15:47] Kara
    but it appears I've lost my own way.
[15:50] Toto
    Stop saying that, noob. You need
    to actually drive a few years first.
[15:56] Toto
    You usually have to work somewhere
    for a while before it gets to be fun.
[16:02] Toto
    I think it'd be a waste for you to quit now.
[16:05] Toto
    That's just my opinion, though.
[16:08] Toto
    I'll give you directions,
    so get me to my destination,
[16:13] Toto
    Mr. Taxi Driver.
[16:15] Toto
    Ignition.
[16:36] Kara
    W-We're here. We're here!
SIGN    Café Oplex
[16:42] Car
    Karamatsu go, go, go!
[16:45] Car
    Karamatsu go!
[16:49] Kara
    No, no, no, I couldn't.
[16:51] Kara
    No, no, no, no, really!
[16:54] Kara
    Miss!
[16:58] Toto
    Don't ever forget how it
    feels to be a beginner.
[17:00] Toto
    I'll be rooting for you,
    Mr. Newbie Taxi Driver.
[17:03] Kara
    Th-Thank you so much.
[17:07] Toto
    Bye.
SIGN    Job interview venue for new graduates
[17:15] Kara
    Huh?
[17:17] Kara
    What?!
SIGN    Job interview venue for new graduates
[17:24] Guy
    You're late!
[17:25] Toto
    Sorry. I've never been here,
    so I didn't know the way.
SIGN    HR Oomori
[17:29] Guy
    Do you even want to work?
[17:31] Toto
    My bad.
[17:34] Kara
    That bitch!
SIGN    End
[17:40] Totty
    A New Year's tradition!
[17:42] Totty
    The fourth annual Totty Quiz!
SIGN    Annual New Year's
    Totty Quiz
[17:48] Totty
    It's time once again. Those who answer
    correctly will get this sticker.
[17:53] Totty
    Let's get right into it. Question one.
[17:56] Totty
    Why aren't we popular with girls?
[17:59] Totty
    A: Because we're shit.
    B: We haven't had enough encounters.
SIGN    A: Because we're shit
    B: We haven't had enough encounters
[18:04] Totty
    Let's go!
[18:11] Totty
    Too bad!
[18:12] Totty
    Are you guys stupid? Just die already!
[18:15] Totty
    Question two.
[18:17] Totty
    Why can't the six of us find jobs?
[18:20] Totty
    A: Because we're shit.
    B: We just haven't found the right job.
SIGN    A: Because we're shit
    B: We just haven't found the right job
[18:32] Totty
    Yeah, I could eat three
    bowls of rice with this.
[18:36] Totty
    Question three.
[18:37] Totty
    If we were able to get a job,
    which would it be?
[18:42] Totty
    A: Comedians. B: Voice actors.
SIGN    A: Comedians
    B: Voice Actors
[18:53] Totty
    Question four!
[18:54] Totty
    Which one's sexier?
[18:56] Totty
    A: Sticks. B: Buns.
SIGN    A: Sticks
    B: Buns
[19:01] Oso
    Wouldn't it depend on your preferences?
[19:03] Choro
    Is there even a right answer?
[19:04] Choro
    Which is it?
[19:05] Jyu
    Sticks?
[19:06] Ichi
    Buns? Uh...
[19:11] Todo
    Question five.
[19:12] Oso
    Why?! That question didn't
    even have a right answer!
[19:16] Jyu
    Hey! They got stickers!
[19:18] Todo
    Being completely honest, how many
    times do you do it in a day?
[19:21] Todo
    A: Once a day. B: Twice a day.
SIGN    A: Once a day
    B: Twice a day
[19:24] Oso
    I'm telling you, there's
    no right answer to this!
[19:27] Kara
    It depends on the person!
[19:28] Choro
    What the hell's up with this quiz?!
[19:33] Todo
    Question six.
[19:35] Kara
    That's enough!
[19:36] Jyu
    Give us questions with actual right answers!
[19:38] Todo
    Which is the correct answer:
[19:40] Todo
    A: Actresses. B: Amateurs.
SIGN    A: Actresses
    B: Amateurs
[19:43] Oso
    There isn't a right answer!
[19:45] Ichi
    This is all based on your opinion!
[19:46] Choro
    Just give us questions with
    actual right answers, Totty!
[19:51] Todo
    Question seven.
[19:53] Todo
    Which is more awkward?
[19:55] Todo
    A: Waiting for the pizza delivery guy
    to give you change at the front door.
SIGN    A: Waiting for the pizza delivery guy to give you
    change at the front door.
    B: Someone you know suddenly dyes their hair brown.
[19:58] Todo
    B: Someone you know suddenly
    dyes their hair brown.
[20:04] Totty
    Correct! You all get stickers!
[20:07] Ichi
    That was easy.
[20:08] Oso
    I finally got one correct.
[20:14] Totty
    Question eight.
[20:16] Totty
    What is the square root of 7?
[20:17] Totty
    A: 2.64575. B: 3.01889.
[20:22] Kara
    What?!
[20:23] Ichi
    Which is it?
[20:24] Oso
    No idea.
[20:26] Todo
    Bzzt. You're out of time.
[20:28] Todo
    The correct answer is A: 2.64575.
[20:31] Oso
    Would've never guessed.
[20:34] Todo
    Question nine.
[20:36] Todo
    Which ones are Dekapan's pants?
[20:38] Todo
    A: This one. B: This one.
[20:42] Todo
    And the correct answer is B.
[20:44] Oso
    Would've never guessed.
[20:46] Todo
    Question ten. Which one is cuter?
[20:50] Todo
    A: Totoko-chan. B: Totty.
SIGN    A: Totoko-chan
    B: Totty
[21:00] Todo
    Too bad! Naturally, the answer's Totoko-chan!
[21:03] Todo
    You conniving jerks!
[21:06] Todo
    Last question!
SIGN    Welcome!
    4th Annual New Year's
    Totty Quiz
[21:10] Todo
    Though honestly, we shouldn't even
    be doing this ridiculous quiz.
[21:14] Todo
    What should we actually be
    concentrating on right now?!
[21:18] Todo
    A: Finding a job! B: S*x!
SIGN    A: Finding a job
    B: --x!
[21:29] Five
    Which is it?!
[21:33] Todo
    You idiots!
[21:36] Todo
    Of course the answer is B!
[21:40] All
    T-Totty!
[22:02] Totty
    That's it for the Totty Quiz!
[22:04] Totty
    See you next year!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
[23:40] Kara
    This is Karamatsu.
[23:41] Kara
    Next time, there might be a new chance at
    love with the appearance of a new girl.
[23:44] Kara
    Huh? What about Totoko-chan?
SIGN    "Space Pirates" "Gourmet Round" "The Cutie Next Door" etc.
[23:49] Kara
    I'll end up in a harem situation
    where they both fight over me!
[23:52] Kara
    Let's hope-tion!