E16 - Space Pirates / Gourmet Episode / The Cutie Next Door

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:08] Pirate
    I stole it all...
[00:11] Pirate
    Money,
[00:13] Pirate
    weapons,
[00:15] Pirate
    authority,
[00:17] Pirate
    and women.
[00:20] Sha
    Everything in this world was my prey.
[00:27] Guy
    That's...
[00:30] Guy
    The space pirate Shaazar!
[00:32] Guy2
    It's Shaazar!
[00:51] Sha
    But I'm reaching the end of the line.
[01:05] Sha
    Boredom is evil.
[01:24] Guy
    All right! We've finally got him!
[01:27] Guy
    Shoot him down with everything we've got!
[01:33] Guy
    Wait! That's...
[01:40] Sha
    I've decided to reset everything.
[01:43] Sha
    This life, my memories...
[01:46] Sha
    I'm going back to nothingness,
    and going down a new path.
[01:53] prof
    This is rather commendable, Shaazar-sama.
[01:57] Prof
    You have a life anyone would be envious of,
    and such a beautiful face.
[02:01] Prof
    Are you sure you want to
    go through with this?
[02:10] Prof
    This way.
[02:23] Prof
    How unfortunate.
[02:25] Prof
    I guess even the great pirate
    has no choice but to run away
[02:29] Prof
    if the Empire is after him.
[02:32] Android
    That's not it.
[02:33] Prof
    Huh?
[02:33] Android
    He's not running away. He's become
    bored with this whole universe.
SIGN    20 Years Later
[02:49] Guy
    We've finally found you,
    Space Pirate Shaazar!
[02:52] Guy 2
    To think you'd change your face
    to this just to get away from us.
[02:56] Guy
    Give it up! We know you're Shaazar!
[03:01] Dayon
    Nope, I'm not!
SIGN    Space Pirates
[03:04] Dayon
    I'm just Dayon!
[03:07] Guy
    You can't fool us! No human
    actually looks like that!
[03:11] Dayon
    You've got the wrong guy!
[03:13] Guy
    It's Shaazar! Fire!
[03:15] Deka
    Hold it!
[03:16] Deka
    What's all this fuss about?
[03:19] Guy
    Who the heck's this guy?
[03:20] Guy
    He's suspicious, too.
    Are you the real Shaazar?!
[03:23] Deka
    What?!
[03:24] Guy
    Fire!
[03:25] Deka
    You've got the wrong guy!
[03:27] Guy
    No one dresses like that on purpose!
[03:30] Guy
    It's Shaazar! Fire!
[03:31] Deka
    Wait!
[03:33] Iya
    What's going on here?
[03:35] Guy
    Are you the real Shaazar?!
[03:36] Iya
    Huh?!
[03:37] Guy
    No one looks that evil to begin with!
[03:40] Guy
    It's Shaazar! Fire!
[03:41] Iya
    Sheeeh!
[03:42] Iya
    You've got the wrong guy!
[03:44] Guy
    Wh-Which one is the real Shaazar?!
[03:46] Dayon
    It's him!
[03:48] Guy
    Fire!
[03:48] Deka
    It's him!
[03:49] Guy
    Fire!
[03:50] Iya
    It has to be you!
[03:51] Guy
    Fire!
[03:51] Dayon
    It's him!
[03:52] Guy
    Fire!
[03:53] Deka
    It's him!
[03:53] Guy
    Fire!
[03:53] Iya
    It has to be you!
[03:54] Guy
    Fire!
[03:54] Dayon
    It's him!
[03:55] Guy
    Which one is the real Shaazar?!
[03:57] Deka
    It's him!
[03:58] Guy
    Fire!
[03:58] Iya
    It has to be you!
[03:59] Guy
    Fire!
[03:59] Dayon
    It's him!
[04:00] Guy
    Fire!
[04:00] Deka
    It's him!
[04:01] Iya
    It has to be you!
[04:01] Guy
    Fire!
[04:02] Dayon
    It's him!
[04:02] Guy
    Fire!
[04:02] Deka
    It's him!
[04:03] Guy
    Fire!
[04:03] Iya
    It has to be you!
[04:04] Dayon
    It's him!
[04:04] ---
    Fire!
[04:04] ---
    Fire!
SIGN    End
[04:05] ---
    Fire!
[04:07] ---
    Fire!
SIGN    "Gourmet Episode"
[05:43] Ichi
    So good.
[05:44] Jyushi
    Yum!
[05:45] Mom
    It's so good! I didn't think it'd be so good.
[05:48] Mom
    I underestimated him.
[05:49] Oso
    Right? Chibita's oden is the best!
[05:53] Chibi
    Oh, stop, you idjit. But my oden's
    got spirit, if nothing else.
[05:59] Mom
    What's the matter, dear?
[06:02] Dad
    It's not a big deal, really.
[06:03] Dad
    I'm just surprised you can all fuss over
    this oden when it's not even good.
[06:07] All
    Huh?
[06:08] Chib
    Whaddya say, you idjit?! Say it again!
[06:11] Dad
    Yeah, I'll say it as many times as you want.
[06:14] Dad
    This isn't something you
    can actually call oden.
[06:18] Dad
    It's just some hodgepodge
    made by some amateur!
[06:22] Totty
    Who the heck are you?
[06:23] Oso
    What's wrong, Dad? Why are you
    acting like someone else?
[06:26] Kara
    What kind of switch is this?!
[06:28] Dad
    Listen up, chef. The atmosphere is
    really important when you're eating.
[06:34] Dad
    I'm going to be blunt...
[06:36] Dad
    It's frickin' cold out here.
[06:38] Chibi
    Uh, it's a food stall, so of
    course it's cold, you idjit.
SIGN    Hybrid Oden
[06:41] Chibi
    What're you talkin' about?
[06:43] Dad
    You don't even have the right equipment.
    These are disposable chopsticks.
[06:46] Chibi
    Because it's a food stall.
[06:47] Dad
    And the mustard is hot!
[06:49] Chibi
    Duh. It's mustard.
[06:50] Dad
    All of those things are
    making your oden taste bad.
[06:54] Chibi
    You're the one making it taste bad! Leave!
[06:57] Dad
    Listen up, everyone. If you want to eat
    some real oden, this time next week,
[07:02] Dad
    come to this place.
SIGN    Matsuboshi
[07:05] Dad
    I'll serve you all the best oden in Japan.
SIGN    Akatsuka Tribune
[07:13] Guy
    Hey, Matsuno-kun! You still have work to do!
[07:17] Guy
    Matsuno-kun!
SIGN    Matsuboshi
[08:02] Dad
    That's it.
SIGN    Matsuboshi
SIGN    Matsuboshi
SIGN    30 Minutes Later
SIGN    Matsuboshi
SIGN    2 Hours Later
[08:35] Dad
    No one came!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "The Cutie Next Door"
[08:49] Oso
    S-So cute!
[08:51] Jyu
    She's cute!
[08:52] Totty
    Yeah, she's super cute!
[08:53] Kara
    She's beautiful.
[08:54] Choro
    She's lovely.
[09:00] Todo
    So, what's important here is how
    we become acquainted with her.
[09:04] Choro
    Right... They do say first
    impressions are important.
[09:08] Jyu
    How to greet her, huh?
[09:10] Oso
    How to greet her...
[09:12] Ichi
    Huh?
[09:23] Oso
    Wh-Wh-Wh-What are we
    supposed to do with this?!
[09:26] Kara
    What are we going to do? Her bra came
    over before we could even go say hi!
[09:30] Totty
    How does this happen?!
[09:32] Ichi
    Sh-Should we go return it?
[09:35] Todo
    Huh? And say, "You dropped your bra?"
[09:37] Todo
    Talk about the worst first impression.
[09:38] Oso
    All right. Should we just keep it, then?
[09:40] Choro
    Are you stupid?
[09:41] Jyu
    Should we just eat it?
[09:42] Kara
    Are you stupid?
[09:43] Oso
    What are we going to do?! Do virgins
    usually have to face such challenges?!
[09:47] Six
    What should we do?!
[09:48] Six
    What are we going to do?!
[09:49] Kinko
    Pardon me!
[09:58] Todo
    Who would've thought
    she'd come and get it?
[10:04] Oso
    Her name is Inuyama Kinko.
    Kin-chan for short.
[10:09] Oso
    Ever since then, her bras
    show up every once in a while.
[10:14] Kinko
    It blew away again.
[10:16] Choro
    This isn't really something
    to laugh about, Kin-chan.
[10:18] Kara
    We're virgins over here.
[10:20] Oso
    The more bras that came flying
    over, the closer we got.
[10:25] Jyu
    We're home!
[10:26] Kin
    Hey, NEETs.
[10:28] Jyu
    Kin-chan!
[10:30] Kin
    Heya!
[10:32] Kin
    Here, this is for you guys.
[10:35] Jyu
    What is it?
[10:36] Kin
    They're sweets from back home.
[10:37] Kin
    I wanted to thank you guys
    for always finding my bras.
[10:40] Jyu
    What? Really?
[10:42] Kin
    Give some to your parents, too. See ya!
[10:49] Oso
    Kin-chan's so cute.
[10:51] Choro
    She's so lovely.
[10:53] Kara
    Kin-chan, we love you!
[10:55] Totty
    You're super cute!
[10:56] Oso
    So cute!
[10:57] Jyu
    Kin-chan!
[11:01] Toto
    Kin-chan? Who's that?
[11:04] Oso
    Make sure your bras don't
    come flying over again!
[11:07] Toto
    Someone who has bras flying
    over there? Who is she?
[11:10] Choro
    Kin-chan!
[11:11] Kara
    Kin-chan!
[11:12] Toto
    Who? Who's Kin-chan?!
[11:14] Six
    Kin-chan!
[11:15] Toto
    Seriously, who is she?!
SIGN    A Few Days Later
[11:19] Oso
    Hey, there's trouble!
[11:21] All
    Huh?
[11:22] Oso
    Kin-chan says she wants
    to go on a date with us!
[11:24] All
    What?!
[11:25] Totty
    Seriously?!
[11:26] Jyu
    Why?!
[11:26] Kara
    Wow, wow, wow!
[11:28] Oso
    Apparently she's still not used to Tokyo,
    so she wants us to show her around.
[11:33] Choro
    Sheeeh! When?
[11:34] Oso
    Tomorrow!
[11:35] All
    Tomorrow?!
[11:38] Ichi
    Tomorrow's not going to work.
[11:39] Ichi
    We promised Totoko-chan...
[11:43] Ichi
    that we'd go to a sale with her so she
    can let us carry all her stuff for her.
[11:47] Ichi
    It's a very blessed day.
[11:49] Toto
    Is it heavy, you guys?
[11:52] All
    Not at all!
[11:53] Oso
    Oh, crap! That's tomorrow?
[11:56] Kara
    How could you double-book, you fool?!
[11:58] Oso
    We don't have any other choice...
    but to decline Totoko-chan's offer.
[12:02] Choro
    Huh?
[12:03] Choro
    Can we actually do that?
    Won't we get killed?
[12:05] Oso
    Well, you know, Kin-chan's...
[12:08] Choro
    Oh, right...
SIGN    Totoko-chan
SIGN    In call
[12:18] Toto
    Hello?
[12:22] Kara
    T-Totoko-chan?
[12:24] Toto
    What is it, Karamatsu-kun?
[12:27] Kara
    Um... About tomorrow...
[12:30] Toto
    Yeah?
[12:32] Toto
    What? What? What?!
[12:35] Toto
    You can't come?!
[12:43] Toto
    What's that supposed to mean?
[12:47] Toto
    You promised me, didn't you? So why?
[12:51] Kara
    Well, uh, something came up...
[12:53] Toto
    Something came up?
[12:55] Toto
    So you don't want to come on our date?
[12:58] Kara
    Non, non! No, no, no, non, Totoko-chan!
[13:00] Choro
    Of course we want to go!
    And we're grief-stricken over this, but...
[13:03] Toto
    Really?
[13:05] Choro
    Yes! Totally grief-stricken!
[13:07] Choro
    Right, Jyushimatsu?
[13:09] Jyu
    My insides are exploding!
    I can't believe we can't go!
[13:15] Toto
    Okay, fine.
[13:16] Toto
    I'll never ask you guys out again.
[13:18] Toto
    Bye!
[13:22] Ichi
    Totoko-chan's amazing...
[13:24] Oso
    When'd she learn how to do that?
[13:27] Jyu
    Someone praise me.
SIGN    The Next Day
[13:29] Toto
    Hmph!
[13:31] Toto
    How dare they cancel on me
    at the last minute? Those idiots.
[13:35] Toto
    Oh, well. I guess I can try
    holding my own bags for once.
[13:41] Toto
    Huh?
[13:43] Toto
    What? Why?
[13:45] Toto
    Was the thing that came up...
[13:48] Kin
    Let's go.
[13:49] Jyu
    Where do you want to go, Kin-chan?
[13:51] Toto
    There's that Kin-chan again!
[13:52] Toto
    Who's Kin-chan? Who's this Kin-chan?
[13:54] Toto
    Who is she?!
[14:01] Toto
    Oh-ho... I see.
[14:04] Toto
    So basically, when you're that
    unpopular, I'm out of your league.
[14:09] Toto
    That's why they're targeting
    a commoner instead.
[14:12] Toto
    Yes, they can't help it.
[14:14] Toto
    I'm just too cute! They are
    virgins, after all, yes.
SIGN    Fresh
    Juice
[14:18] Toto
    They look like they're having fun.
    It's good that I let them do this. Yes.
[14:22] Toto
    They're so close. I guess they don't
    get as nervous with a commoner. Yes.
[14:35] Kin
    Hey, what do you think of this?
[14:37] Todo
    Huh? I'm not so sure...
[14:39] Kin
    No way! It's cute, isn't it?
[14:41] Oso
    Yeah, I'm not sure...
[14:42] Choro
    I'm not sure if it suits you, Kin-chan.
[14:44] Kin
    What? I look good, don't I?
[14:46] Ichi
    It doesn't look good on you at all.
[14:47] Kin
    What?
[14:51] Oso
    Where should we go next?
[14:52] Oso
    Pachinko? The horse races?
[14:54] Jyu
    Jingu? Dome?
[14:56] Kin
    I dunno. There are so many choices.
[14:59] Choro
    Huh?
[15:00] Ichi
    What's wrong?
[15:01] Choro
    Look over there.
[15:02] All
    Huh?
[15:03] Choro
    Isn't that... Totoko-chan?
[15:24] Kin
    What? What's going on?
[15:30] Kara
    She's super pissed!
[15:33] Jyu
    Not good.
[15:34] Todo
    Choromatsu-niisan,
    get me something to drink.
[15:36] Choro
    Buy it yourself!
[15:38] Choro
    Honestly...
[15:48] All
    T-Totoko-chan!
[15:50] Choro
    We're sorry! Please forgive us!
[15:51] Choro
    It's all our fault, Totoko-chan!
[15:53] Toto
    I am not Totoko. I'm a vending machine.
[15:56] Toto
    Please insert 130 yen.
[15:58] Kara
    Really, we're sorry!
[16:00] Choro
    Please forgive us, Totoko-chan!
[16:01] Toto
    I am not Totoko. Please insert 130 yen.
[16:05] Kara
    You're freaking us out!
[16:06] Choro
    Come on, please!
[16:08] Toto
    Buy some drinks.
SIGN    Izakaya
[16:26] Choro
    S-So, this is Kin-chan...
[16:30] Toto
    Who? Who's Kin-chan?
[16:32] Kin
    N-Nice to meet you.
[16:34] Toto
    Nice to meet you.
[16:35] Kin
    My name is Inuyama Kinko.
[16:37] Toto
    I am a vending machine.
[16:40] Choro
    Y-You see, there's a good reason for this.
[16:44] Choro
    We didn't pick one over the other.
[16:47] Toto
    It's fine. I'm not mad.
[16:50] Toto
    I don't care who you hang out with.
    I'm not your girlfriend.
[16:54] Toto
    Of course you'd prefer this date instead.
[16:57] Toto
    Who would want to go out with an uncute
    girl who'd make you hold all her bags?
[17:01] Choro
    Huh? But you're the cutest, Totoko-chan!
[17:04] Toto
    I'm not cute.
[17:05] Jyu
    But you are!
[17:06] Toto
    How am I cute? I get mad
    easily, and I'm selfish.
[17:09] Toto
    That's not cute at all.
[17:11] Ichi
    No, you are.
[17:12] Toto
    I'm not.
[17:13] All
    You're cute!
[17:14] Toto
    I'm not.
[17:15] All
    You are!
[17:16] Toto
    I'm not.
[17:17] All
    You are!
[17:18] Toto
    I'm not.
[17:20] Oso
    Yeah, you're not cute at all.
[17:25] Oso
    What's with you, Totoko-chan? Are you that
    mad we had to cancel at the last minute?
[17:29] Oso
    You're acting weird today.
[18:02] Todo
    Totoko-chan. Sorry, he's an idiot.
[18:06] Todo
    Don't let him get to you.
[18:08] Todo
    We're the ones who double-booked, and he
    tried to overlook that fact. He's an idiot.
[18:21] (Flashback) Kin
    Oh, sorry. Don't worry about it.
    I'll hold my own things.
[18:25] (Flashback) Kin
    This is perfect for you.
[18:27] (Flashback) Kin
    Why don't we rest a bit?
    This is tiring, isn't it?
[18:32] (Flashback) Kin
    This one!
[18:35] (Flashback) Todo
    It doesn't look good at all!
[18:36] (Flashback) Oso
    Let's pick something else.
[18:40] (Flashback) Kin
    Gosh, you guys are so picky.
[18:50] Todo
    What's wrong?
[18:52] Toto
    I'm going home.
[18:53] Todo
    Huh? But why?
[18:54] Todo
    Everyone's waiting for you.
[18:56] Toto
    Forget it. It's too much trouble.
[19:00] Todo
    What's too much trouble?
[19:11] Toto
    Huh?
[19:14] Kin
    Um... They explained everything to me,
[19:19] Kin
    and it seems like they
    changed their plans for me
[19:22] Kin
    since I'm going back home tomorrow.
[19:25] Toto
    Going home?
[19:26] Choro
    Yeah. She's in town now to visit a relative.
[19:31] Choro
    She's going home tomorrow,
    so today was the only day.
[19:35] Oso
    I guess we should've just said that.
[19:37] Oso
    We're sorry, Totoko-chan.
[19:39] Kin
    I'm so sorry!
[19:41] Kin
    They promised you first,
    but I ended up intervening...
[19:47] Oso
    Hey, you don't need to apologize, Kin-chan.
[20:05] Toto
    Why?! Why are you apologizing?!
[20:12] Toto
    Who? Who's Kin-chan? Ugh!
[20:18] Todo
    Uh, what?
[20:20] Oso
    I have no idea...
[20:21] Toto
    Who's Kin-chan?!
SIGN    The Next Day
[21:12] Oso
    Well, there she goes.
[21:15] Kara
    Hopefully she'll come visit again.
[21:17] Jyu
    Maybe over summer vacation.
[21:19] Todo
    Thanks for coming, Totoko-chan.
[21:21] Choro
    We're relieved you two made up.
[21:28] Toto
    Hey.
[21:32] Toto
    Listen up. I'll forgive Kin-chan,
    because she was a nice girl.
[21:36] Toto
    However... However!
[21:40] Toto
    You have the cutest girl of all,
    Yowai Totoko, right next to you!
[21:44] Toto
    So stop letting your eyes wander like that!
[21:47] All
    Yes, ma'am!
[21:48] Toto
    Totoko is number one!
[21:49] All
    Yes, milady!
[21:50] Toto
    No question.
[21:52] All
    Yes, milady!
[21:53] Toto
    The cutest!
[21:54] All
    Yes, milady!
[21:56] Oso
    Um, just wondering... What are the chances
    you'll go out with one of us someday?
[22:01] Toto
    Huh?
[22:02] Toto
    Yeah... I don't see that happening.
[22:05] All
    Yes, milady!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
[23:39] Choro
    Next week is a story about a mysterious girl
[23:42] Choro
    who appears at a traditional
    inn in the countryside.
[23:44] Choro
    What's her secret?
[23:46] Choro
    Did you figure it out?
    That's what I thought, too.
SIGN    "Punishment!" "Inn" etc.
[23:49] Choro
    Just the sound of the word
    "inn" makes it sound pervy.