E8 - The Calming Osomatsu / Totoko's Dream

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "The Calming Osomatsu"
[02:21] Todo
    Murder.
[02:22] Todo
    It is one of the most heinous
    crimes in the world.
[02:26] Todo
    We police must solve these
    cases, no matter what...
SIGN    Mas—
[02:30] Todo
    No matter the method, and no
    matter what we must sacrifice.
[02:37] Todo
    Any new clues? Are you even
    serious about catching this guy?
[02:41] Jyu
    Hey, you don't have to say it like that.
    We're doing our best here.
[02:45] Todo
    Then hurry up and find something.
    Results are everything here.
[02:49] Jyu
    Wha—
[02:49] Person
    Hey.
[02:50] Jyu
    But Ken-san!
[02:51] Todo
    That's what I believed,
    and I didn't think twice about it.
[02:54] Todo
    Until I met him...
[02:56] Choro
    Assistant Inspector Todomatsu.
[02:57] Todo
    Inspector.
[02:58] Choro
    What's the situation?
[02:59] Todo
    The victim is Matsuno Karamatsu.
[03:01] Todo
    He died after being stabbed in
    the back. There are no witnesses.
[03:06] Todo
    This is the murder weapon.
[03:08] Choro
    There aren't enough clues.
    Where could the suspect have gone?
SIGN    Murder Weapon
[03:13] Choro
    My gut feeling as an inspector tells me that this
[03:17] Choro
    might end up being a cold case.
[03:20] Todo
    No...
[03:24] Choro
    If only he were here right now.
[03:27] Todo
    He?
[03:29] Choro
    Never mind. Let's get back to the scene.
[03:32] Choro
    Search everything!
[03:33] Todo
    Yes, sir.
[03:49] Oso
    Ow... Man, those crows were in the way.
[03:52] Todo
    Wh-What are you doing?! Who the heck are you?
[03:56] Choro
    Osomatsu-kun!
[03:57] Oso
    Ah, Choro-san.
[03:59] Todo
    Wha? Do you know him, Inspector?
[04:01] Choro
    So you came. Feel free to do what you need to.
[04:05] Oso
    Okay.
[04:06] Todo
    Wh-Who is he?
[04:09] Choro
    Now that he's here, we have
    nothing to worry about.
[04:11] Choro
    He is our greatest ally,
    the Calming Detective Osomatsu-kun!
[04:16] Todo
    Calming Detective? Huh?
[04:20] Choro
    Yes. He has been a part of over two
    thousand murder investigations.
[04:23] Todo
    That many?!
[04:24] Choro
    And not a single one of them has been solved.
[04:27] Todo
    What?!
[04:28] Choro
    His sole purpose is
[04:30] Choro
    to bring a calm atmosphere to the police
    after we get all irritated about
[04:35] Choro
    being unable to solve the mystery
    or trick at a crime scene.
[04:39] Todo
    So he's completely useless, right?!
[04:41] Choro
    Watch carefully. Everyone'll calm down.
[04:43] Todo
    Seriously, calm down?
[04:46] Oso
    Hey, whatcha doin'? Can I do it, too?
[04:50] Oso
    Huh?
[04:53] Jyu
    Nothing's coming to light.
[04:55] Person
    We have to hurry up.
[04:56] Oso
    Don't ignore me. Come on.
[04:59] Jyu
    What? We're busy right n—
[05:04] Person
    The personal effects!
[05:06] Oso
    What are you doing, you klutz?
[05:08] Jyu
    That was totally your fault!
[05:09] Person
    Hey! You're stepping on it!
SIGN    Mas—
[05:11] Person
    You're stepping on the dying message!
[05:13] Oso
    Huh?
[05:18] Person
    What are you doing?!
[05:20] Oso
    You'd never figure it out anyway.
[05:22] Jyu
    That was an valuable evidence!
[05:23] Oso
    Then did you know what it meant?
    Can you decipher his dying message?
[05:26] Jyu
    No, I don't think so, but...
[05:28] Oso
    See? Then it doesn't matter if it's there or not.
[05:30] Jyu
    I see... Wait, no I don't!
[05:33] Oso
    3:03 PM: "delayed reaction" retort.
[05:36] Jyu
    Wh-Why are you writing that?!
[05:37] Oso
    Just kidding! I didn't write anything!
[05:41] Jyu
    Oh, man, you got me. Wait, no!
[05:43] Jyu
    Seriously, what do you want?
    You're such a nuisance.
[05:55] Choro
    See? We calmed down.
[05:56] Todo
    So what if we did?! We just
    lost valuable evidence!
[06:00] Choro
    He'll sacrifice evidence
    to create this atmosphere.
[06:02] Todo
    He's completely useless!
[06:04] Oso
    Hey, Detective! Detective!
[06:06] Choro
    It's Inspector, Osomatsu-kun.
[06:07] Choro
    You're embarrassing me, calling me Detective.
[06:10] Oso
    Detective.
[06:11] Todo
    Are you even listening?
[06:12] Oso
    You see, I already figured it out.
[06:15] Choro
    Huh?
[06:16] Oso
    I figured out the mystery.
[06:17] Choro
    What?!
[06:18] Todo
    You're lying! You don't even have any clues!
[06:21] Todo
    How could you—
[06:22] Oso
    The culprit in this case is...
[06:33] Oso
    The culprit is somewhere in this world!
[06:40] Choro
    The whole world...
[06:42] Choro
    That's a pretty big search area.
[06:44] Jyu
    You didn't narrow it down at all!
[06:50] Odo
    What? What?!
[06:51] Choro
    See, Todomatsu? Doesn't the
    tension before feel like a lie?
[06:56] Choro
    The mood at the scene is much nicer.
SIGN    Murder Weapon
[06:59] Choro
    Even the murder weapon that was so pointy
    has calmed down and rounded its tip.
[07:02] Todo
    The hell?!
[07:03] Choro
    I'm sure the murdered Karamatsu
    is also feeling calm in Heaven.
[07:07] Todo
    What the hell are you talking about?
[07:09] Todo
    Is there seriously any point in him being here?
[07:11] Todo
    The investigation's going nowhere!
[07:15] Oso
    That was...
[07:16] Choro
    Could the suspect still be in this mansion?!
[07:20] Choro
    Osomatsu-kun!
[07:22] Choro
    Osomatsu-kun!
[07:25] Choro
    Osomatsu-kun!
[07:28] Choro
    Osomatsu-kun!
[07:30] Choro
    Osomatsu-kun!
[07:32] Choro
    I said, Osomatsu-kun!
[07:33] Choro
    Osomatsu-kun!
[07:35] Choro
    Osomatsu-kun! Osomatsu-kun!
[07:37] Choro
    Osomatsu-kun!
[07:39] Choro
    Osomatsu-kun!
[07:40] Choro
    Osomatsu-kun!
[07:41] Choro
    Osomatsu-kun!
[07:43] Choro
    Osomatsu-kun!
[07:48] Choro
    Osomatsu—
[07:49] Choro
    What, you're just going to the bathroom?!
[07:53] Choro
    Jeez. If you were just going to the
    bathroom, you should've said so.
[07:59] Choro
    Man, he really is so calming.
[08:02] Todo
    Huh?!
[08:04] Oso
    Damn... Didn't make it in time.
[08:07] Todo
    No, we didn't get here fast enough
    because everyone was too calm.
[08:10] Oso
    It'll be embarrassing if I have
    to look like this all day.
[08:13] Todo
    You didn't make it to the bathroom?!
    Why don't you leave already?!
[08:16] Choro
    But now we've gotten one step
    closer to solving this case.
[08:19] Oso
    Huh?
[08:20] Choro
    Haven't you realized it? A murder just
    took place right here, right now.
[08:24] Choro
    But the mansion has been secured.
[08:26] Choro
    Which means the suspect
    is still in this building.
[08:32] Oso
    I see... I've got it!
[08:33] Choro
    Really, Osomatsu-kun?
[08:35] Oso
    I solved the mystery!
[08:37] Todo
    That sounds like a lie.
[08:38] Oso
    Listen carefully. The murder took
    place right here, right now,
[08:43] Oso
    and the mansion is secure.
[08:46] Oso
    Which means the suspect is...
[09:10] Todo
    Seriously, that's enough!
[09:12] Oso
    The suspect is somewhere inside this mansion!
[09:19] Todo
    The inspector just said that!
[09:21] Todo
    Seriously, what's with you?!
[09:23] Todo
    You're no detective, you're just an idiot!
[09:33] Todo
    Jeez...
[09:37] Choro
    What's the matter, Todomatsu?
    Did I just hear you laugh?
[09:40] Choro
    Are you feeling calm?
[09:42] Todo
    Th-This feeling... I'm not irritated
    at all about another murder happening.
[09:47] Todo
    Actually, I'm feeling extremely at ease.
[09:51] Choro
    That's the power of the Calming Detective.
[09:55] Todo
    Calming Detective...
[09:57] Choro
    All right, Todomatsu.
    Let's go for the complete calm.
[10:01] Todo
    Huh?
[10:03] Todo
    Oh... R-Right.
[10:07] Oso
    So basically, this was right here...
[10:10] Oso
    The suspect went like this, and that,
    and this, and stabbed right here.
[10:16] Oso
    Ah.
[10:18] Todo
    Hey, come on! You can't actually stab him!
[10:24] Choro
    That's it.
[10:27] Oso
    Please, answer me! Hey! Hey!
[10:32] Oso
    That's it! Tell me before you die!
[10:36] Oso
    Wait, what was I asking?
[10:40] Choro
    Good.
[10:44] Todo
    Well?
[10:45] Todo
    Have you figured anything out?
[10:49] Oso
    Hey! Phimosis!
[10:51] Todo
    What are you investigating?
[10:55] Choro
    There you have it.
[11:03] Choro
    Okay.
[11:08] Choro
    Nice.
[11:15] Choro
    Yes.
[11:23] Choro
    Well done!
[11:26] Choro
    That's it! Good!
SIGN    Sheeeh
[11:30] Choro
    How wonderful!
[11:32] Choro
    Things are definitely calming down.
[11:34] Choro
    It doesn't even feel like a
    murder happened here anymore.
[11:38] Choro
    The mood is absolutely fantastic.
[11:41] Oso
    Hey, can I introduce you to someone?
[11:43] Todo
    Sure.
[11:44] Oso
    This is the killer.
[11:46] Todo
    Seriously?!
[11:47] Oso
    He was hiding, but he felt
    really calm, so he came out.
[11:51] Jyu
    What an idiot.
[11:56] Todo
    Atone for your crimes, okay?
[11:59] Todo
    Bye-bye!
[12:01] Choro
    Man, Todomatsu.
[12:03] Choro
    This paella is great. Did you try some?
[12:06] Todo
    Inspector...
[12:08] Todo
    I never thought everything
    would actually be solved.
[12:12] Todo
    And I learned something.
[12:15] Todo
    You shouldn't be all irritated while you work.
    Just take it as it comes.
[12:20] Choro
    Yes. If you take everything seriously,
    you'll only make a fool of yourself.
[12:26] Choro
    The Calming Detective Osomatsu...
[12:29] Choro
    He has a debt of five million and is
    getting an allowance from his family.
[12:33] Todo
    I see.
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Totoko's Dream"
SIGN    Fishhhh I'll do my best
SIGN    6th Yowai Totoko Solo Live
SIGN    Fish Idol
[12:45] Totoko
    Don't tear off my scales, my heart is full
[12:50] Six
    One serving of squid!
[12:51] Toto
    Love is an illusion
[12:53] Six
    Fish dried overnight!
[12:54] Toto
    All people breathe through gills!
[12:57] Six
    Glub, glub, glub! Yay!
[12:59] Choro
    Totoko-chan! You're so cute!
[13:01] Choro
    Totoko-chan!
[13:27] Oso
    Huh?
[13:29] Toto
    Th-There's... no way this is going to sell.
[13:40] Iyami
    Me would have to agree with that remark...
[13:46] Oso
    Come on, now. Don't cry, Totoko-chan.
[13:50] Oso
    What brought this on?
[13:51] Choro
    Seeing you cry makes us sad, too.
[13:54] Todo
    Come on, stop crying.
[13:55] Kara
    Don't cry—
[14:02] Ichi
    Her famous body blow is still going strong.
[14:04] Jyu
    So cool!
[14:06] Totoko
    I'm gonna quit being an idol.
[14:09] Five
    What?!
[14:19] Oso
    W-Wait... This is all too sudden.
[14:22] Toto
    Don't try to stop me! I'm...
[14:25] Toto
    not confident that I can make it as a fish idol.
[14:29] Iyami
    Me doesn't think me can make
    any money off of you, either.
[14:33] Toto
    I mean...
[14:35] Toto
    My scales fall off when I'm singing,
[14:37] Toto
    my dressing room stinks,
[14:39] Toto
    and I got mistaken for a tuna when
    I walked through the fish market.
[14:41] Toto
    Fish!
[14:43] Choro
    I see... I didn't know idols had such hardships.
[14:46] Iyami
    They don't, usually!
[14:47] Oso
    But it's such a waste. You're so cute!
[14:51] Jyu
    Right? You'll definitely sell.
[14:53] Ichi
    You should continue.
[14:55] Toto
    Really? Then I will.
[14:57] Iyami
    You recover way too quickly!
    What was all that build-up for?
[15:01] Toto
    But I wonder how I can get popular.
[15:06] Iyami
    We'll just have to try the porno route.
[15:11] Kara
    Wh-Why me?
[15:14] Todo
    I think you're fine as you are.
[15:16] Oso
    What do you mean, Totty?
[15:18] Todo
    Well, you love singing, right, Totoko-chan?
[15:21] Todo
    So if that shows in your act, your fans wi—
[15:24] Toto
    Huh? I don't actually like singing.
[15:27] Todo
    Huh? Oh, you don't?
[15:29] Todo
    Then why did you want to be an idol?
[15:31] Toto
    Isn't it obvious?
[15:34] Toto
    I just
[15:35] Toto
    want to be famous and have
    people fawn over me!
[15:39] Toto
    I'll up my best selfies onto SNS
[15:41] Toto
    and have people compliment
    me on how cute I am.
[15:44] Toto
    And I want people I went to
    school with to find my photos
[15:46] Toto
    so I can show off that I'm living
    a better life than they are.
[15:50] Toto
    So I don't really care how I do it.
[15:51] Toto
    I just need fanboys.
[16:00] Six
    S-So cute...
[16:03] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[16:05] Oso
    Have you ever known a girl who was that honest?
[16:09] Choro
    Being completely honest is the cutest!
[16:11] Todo
    I'm proud to call her a childhood friend.
[16:13] Oso
    All right, I've made up my mind.
[16:14] Oso
    Totoko-chan was completely honest with us.
[16:17] Oso
    Let's do our best to make
    sure she gets popular.
[16:20] Totoko
    Really?!
[16:21] Ichi
    What are we gonna do?
[16:22] Oso
    First, we'll have to promote her.
[16:24] Iyami
    Well, me will be going now...
SIGN    Menacing
[16:30] Oso
    Please check this out! There'll be a concert!
[16:32] Six
    Yowai Totoko!
SIGN    Dora Dora Drug
[16:34] Six
    Please check her out!
[16:34] Todo
    We promise it won't be a hassle!
[16:36] Iyami
    Wait... What are they handing out?
[16:39] Oso
    Please.
[16:41] Iyami
    Why is it mackerel?!
[16:42] Iyami
    That's just going to ensure no one shows up!
[16:44] Toto
    True, mackerel might not be a good idea.
    They're really quick to spoil.
[16:49] Iyami
    What are you talking about?
SIGN    Handing out fish!!
    Fishhhh!
SIGN    I'll do my best
SIGN    7th Yowai Totoko Solo Live
SIGN    Fish Idol
[16:53] ---
    We did it! Look at all the people here!
[16:56] ---
    That's amazing! Thank you.
[16:58] Guy
    I heard they're giving out fish.
[17:01] Iyami
    This isn't an idol concert!
    They're all here to get fish!
[17:05] Toto
    All right, here I go!
[17:07] Choro
    Yeah, do your best, Totoko-chan!
[17:07] Five
    You can do it!
[17:10] Toto
    Here I am, everyone!
[17:16] Toto
    Now take this!
[17:17] Bums
    Fish!
[17:19] Totoko
    Take this! Take these little fish, you vermin!
[17:26] Six
    So cute!
[17:28] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[17:33] Toto
    They didn't come to see me!
    They just came for the fish!
[17:39] Toto
    I really am going to quit being an idol!
[17:41] Jyu
    Hold it!
[17:41] Toto
    Don't try to stop me.
[17:42] Jyu
    Totoko-chan, you're really pretty, so why
    not be an actress instead of an idol?
[17:48] Toto
    I see.
SIGN    Matsuno Pictures
SIGN    The Idiot's Fishing Diary
[17:57] Todo
    Suu-san!
[17:58] Ichi
    What?
[17:59] Todo
    Suu-san, there's something on the line.
[18:04] Both
    One, two...
[18:10] Toto
    Flop, flop, flop, flop...
[18:10] Todo
    We did it, Suu-san! It's a huge one!
[18:14] Jyu
    How about it? Rather than an
    actress, you'd be a fishtress.
SIGN    Fishtress
[18:17] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[18:21] Toto
    You're so mean, Jyushimatsu-kun.
    You're making fun of my fishy character.
[18:27] Oso
    What? Is that true, Jyushimatsu?
[18:29] Todo
    You're making fun of her?
[18:30] Choro
    Now, now...
[18:31] Choro
    I think we should try to promote
    Totoko-chan on a more global scale.
[18:36] Toto
    You're right! I was thinking the exact same thing.
SIGN    Monday Late Night Special The Matsuno Detective Team Searches!!
[18:44] Choro
    We have now been wandering
    for three days in the Amazon
[18:48] Choro
    in search of the legendary creature.
[18:50] Choro
    We had given up hope, until...
[18:53] Oso
    Hey!
[18:54] Oso
    Look over there... That's...
[18:56] Oso
    A fishman!
[18:57] Toto
    Fish, fish, fish...
[18:59] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[19:02] Toto
    Thank you, everyone. That one really
    felt right, so I'll go with fishman.
[19:08] Iyami
    Come on, now! You guys are
    completely delusional!
[19:13] Kara
    Listen up.
[19:15] Kara
    After experimenting with a few things,
[19:17] Kara
    I realized that in order to make
    Totoko-chan really popular,
[19:21] Kara
    we first have to abandon the whole fish thing.
[19:26] Oso
    Y-You want to take fish from Totoko-chan?
[19:29] Choro
    What are you saying, Karamatsu-niisan?!
[19:31] Ichi
    Shut up, Shittymatsu. I'll kill you, Shittymatsu.
[19:34] Iyami
    No, really... He brings up an excellent point.
[19:39] Totoko
    It's okay, everyone.
[19:42] Toto
    People breathe with their lungs,
[19:44] Toto
    but fish breathe with their gills.
[19:47] Toto
    That's what you're saying,
    right, Karamatsu-kun?
[19:49] Kara
    Huh? S-Sure...
[19:52] Iyami
    That's definitely not it.
[19:54] Totoko
    All right. I will graduate from being a fish.
[19:59] Six
    What?!
[20:01] Toto
    I won't rely on the potential
    that fish have any longer.
[20:09] Toto
    Just watch me, everyone. I'll get a size...
    no, two sizes bigger, and come back!
[20:24] Toto
    Wait for me, everyone.
    I'll... I'll make it big.
[20:26] Choro
    And so Totoko-chan gave up
    her dream to become famous
[20:30] Choro
    just so people would give her attention.
[20:33] Choro
    A few days later...
[20:38] Six
    What? What? What?
[20:45] Choro
    Yes, just as she said...
[20:53] Choro
    She came back not one size,
    but two sizes bigger.
[20:59] Six
    S-So cute!
[21:03] Totoko
    Yay!
[21:09] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[22:46] Kara
    Here we go.
[22:47] Jyu
    Yeah!
[22:49] Kara
    We were born sextuplets
[22:51] Jyu
    Aye, aye!
[22:52] Karra
    Not six times...
[22:54] Both
    ...but one out of six
[22:55] Kara
    We were born sextuplets
[22:57] Jyu
    Yup!
[22:58] Kara
    We don't want to think about...
[23:00] Both
    ...the hardship of raising us
[23:02] Kara
    We were born sextuplets
[23:04] Jyu
    Pon!
[23:05] Kara
    The smell our lives give off...
[23:08] Both
    ...is six guys' worth
[23:11] Kara
    We were born sextuplets
[23:17] Jyu
    We were born sextuplets
[23:23] Both
    We were born sextuplets!
[23:31] Jyu
    Nii-san!
SIGN    The End
SIGN    Next Time on Osomatsu-san
[23:35] ---
    Karamatsu here.
[23:36] Kara
    Next time on Osomatsu-san, we have
    these two titles filled with love.
[23:40] Kara
    "Oh My Little Oden," and "A Night at Fourteen."
SIGN    "Chibita and Oden" "Jyushimatsu Falls in Love"
[23:43] Kara
    What? They're a bit different
    from the titles on the screen?
[23:47] Kara
    That's just how I read them.
    Don't worry about it.