E24 - A-1 Grand Prix

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[01:41] Oso
    Man... The third season is over
    with next week's episode.
[01:45] Oso
    I'm seriously surprised we even pulled
    off two cours in this situation.
[01:49] Oso
    We're so awesome and cool.
[01:51] Oso
    Give us NEETs the People's Honor Award, too.
[01:55] Oso
    On the other hand, thank goodness we
    finished the third season without issues.
[01:59] Oso
    Great job, guys.
[02:14] Oso
    You're...
[02:16] New oso
    Heya, Osomatsu-kun. It's been a while.
[02:19] New oso
    It's me, the eldest brother of the new
    sextuplets who appeared in episode 1
[02:21] New oso
    and immediately got canned.
[02:24] New oso
    I'm the New Osomatsu. Remember me?
[02:28] New oso
    We were the new protagonists created
    to make this a wonderful show,
[02:31] New oso
    starting with this season.
[02:33] New oso
    We we were forced to step down,
     though, thanks to you guys.
[02:37] Oso
    Uh, yeah, I'm pretty sure
    that wasn't our fault.
SIGN    "New Osomatsu Returns"
[02:41] New oso
    I just got out, so I'm here to kill you.
[02:44] Oso
    Huh?
[02:47] New oso
    You didn't even come to visit.
    That's so mean.
[02:48] Oso
    Hey!
[02:53] New oso
    You're thankful the third season
    is wrapping up without issues?
[02:55] New oso
    I wouldn't say there weren't issues. I mean,
    what are the new sextuplets supposed to do?
[02:59] Oso
    Help me!
[03:01] New oso
    We were just created and then cast aside.
[03:04] New oso
    We have nothing to do and nowhere to go.
[03:06] New oso
    Which means...
[03:08] New oso
    I'm going to kill you.
[03:10] Oso
    Hey, hang on! You only got canned
    because you guys did something bad!
[03:13] Oso
    Why take it out on me?
[03:15] New oso
    Because I can!
[03:16] Oso
    Huh?
[03:17] New oso
    I'm definitely going to kill you.
[03:18] Oso
    Whoa! Hey!
[03:20] New oso
    I mean, we prepared so many
     things that just got scrapped!
[03:23] New oso
    Like these wonderful scripts,
    and this super cute merch.
SIGN    New Mr. Osomatsu Episode 1 AR Script
SIGN    New Mr. Osomatsu
[03:27] New oso
    We even had a new version of F6.
[03:30] New oso
    And it was all for naught,
    thanks to you guys.
[03:32] Oso
    Seriously, we didn't do anything!
[03:34] New oso
    Yeah, I know. I'm still going to kill you.
[03:38] New oso
    Gonna kill you.
[03:41] New oso
    Gonna kill you.
[03:43] New oso
    Gonna kill you.
[03:47] Oso
    Uh, how the hell are you that strong?!
[03:52] Oso
    This is messed up!
[03:55] Oso
    You're way too strong!
[03:56] Oso
    Someone save me!
[03:58] Oso
    Can I get a ref here?!
[04:02] Oso
    I-I've had enough... of you!
[04:09] Oso
    God, what a pain.
[04:13] New osomatsu
    Osomatsu!
[04:18] New osomatsu
    I'm gonna rip off your dick!
[04:20] New oso
    Then I'm gonna slice it up, pound it,
    smash it, put it in a mixer,
[04:23] New oso
    add some salt and pepper, and flambé it!
[04:25] New oso
    It's gonna be an all-out sausage fest!
[04:30] Oso
    What did you even say just now?
[04:32] New oso
    Hey, hello there! Thanks for your support!
[04:35] Oso
    Okay, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
[04:36] New oso
    I'm gonna burn your asshole!
[04:38] Oso
    Seriously, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde!
[05:11] Oso
    Come forth, F6!
[05:14] Oso
    Come forth, New F6!
[05:18] Both
    Go!
[05:28] Toto
    Please, just stop!
[05:31] Toto
    I have no idea what's going on!
[05:38] Oso
    I won!
[05:42] New oso B
    It looks like New Osomatsu was defeated.
[05:47] New oso B
    But he was the weakest of us,
     the New Osomatsu 5.
[05:53] Boss New Oso
    Show him what true fear is,
     New New Osomatsu.
[05:57] New new oso
    Yes, sir.
[06:02] New new oso
    You're finished, Old Osomatsu.
[06:04] Oso
    New New Osomatsu...
[06:11] New new oso
    Who's there?!
[06:12] Oso
    Guys!
[06:19] Todo
    Wait, why am I the only one wearing this?!
[06:23] Todo
    I want to change!
[06:36] Dad
    S-Such incredible power...
[06:38] Dad
    Earth is going to be destroyed!
[06:40] Mom
    Their bodies won't hold up if
    they keep using this power!
[06:47] Both
    It sure didn't.
[06:54] Mom
    Th-That emblem...
[06:56] Dad
    You know what that is, dear?
[06:58] Mom
    Nope.
[07:01] Dad
    I-Is that his second form?!
[07:06] Dad
    Guess not.
[07:09] Mom
    Wait, is that...
[07:12] Dad
    You know what that is, dear?
[07:13] Mom
    It's the Russian martial art, systema!
[07:27] Ichi
    It won't hurt.
[07:29] Dad
    It sure is systema.
[07:34] Jyushi
    It looks like Jyushimatsu was defeated.
[07:38] Jyushi
    But he was the weakest of us,
     the Jyushimatsu 1000.
[07:43] Jyushi
    Show him what true fear is, Jyushimatsu.
[07:46] All
    Aye!
[07:50] Ichi
    Lunatic Magi Luna Hell Fire!
[07:55] Kara
    Nice Summer! 800 Summer!
[07:59] Choro
    Buzz, stab. Buzz, stab.
[08:01] Choro
    Buzz, stab.
[08:06] Jyushis
    Regrets. Oh, no, oh, no, no.
[08:12] Toto
    Just stop already!
[08:16] Choro
    That's—
[08:18] Kara
    Shit!
[08:19] Kara
    The Ultimate Gate has opened!
[08:22] Kara
    We didn't make it in time!
[08:23] Toto
    Just stop! What the heck is going on?!
[08:31] Oso
    You...
[08:33] Oso
    And all of you!
[09:08] Oso
    Wh-What...
[09:12] New oso
    Now, rise.
[09:15] Oso
    You're... The Ultimate Osomatsu.
[09:20] New oso
    It's not over yet. Our fight
    is just about to begin.
[09:25] Oso
    Yeah.
[09:36] Both
    Let's go, Osomatsu!
[09:40] Toto
    Just stop! I'm going insane!
[09:44] Toto
    You assholes!
SIGN    End
[09:52] Nar
    The never-ending battle for
    artificial intelligence.
[09:54] Nar
    And now, our champions from the previous
    years will open the ceremony.
[09:59] Uchiumi
    Heyo, we're Cherryboy.
[10:01] Both
    Thanks for having us!
SIGN    Grand Prix
[10:02] Uchi
    Thanks! We just received some bias and
    weighting over some machine learning,
[10:09] Uchi
    so thanks.
[10:10] Uchi
    I say let it happen.
[10:12] Komaba
    Yeah, that's just the best. By the way...
[10:16] Uchi
    Yeah?
[10:16] Koma
    Apparently, my mother computer
    has a manga artist she likes,
SIGN    Grand Prix
[10:21] Koma
    but she forgot their name.
[10:24] Uchi
    Wow, she forgot the manga artist's name?
SIGN    Grand Prix
[10:26] Uchi
    Does she know what they look like?
    Maybe I can help.
[10:30] Koma
    According to my mother computer...
[10:32] Koma
    They were a legendary gag manga
    artist who was huge in the Showa era.
[10:35] Uchi
    Ah... So it's Akatsuka Fujio.
[10:38] Uchi
    Without a doubt, that's Akatsuka Fujio!
[10:42] Koma
    But I just don't know...
[10:43] Uchi
    Don't know what?
[10:46] Koma
    I thought it was Akatsuka Fujio, too.
[10:48] Uchi
    Right?
[10:48] Koma
    But according to my mother computer,
    every single manga they released was a hit.
[10:54] Uchi
    Huh... I guess it isn't Akatsuka Fujio, then.
[10:58] Uchi
    Akatsuka Fujio is definitely a genius
    who came up with a bunch of hits,
[11:03] Uchi
    but he had even more titles
    that never made the cut.
[11:06] Uchi
    The bar isn't very high, so rather
    than being a genius manga artist,
[11:10] Uchi
    he was an old fart who loved alcohol,
    gambling, and sleeping around.
[11:14] Uchi
    Everyone gives him too much credit.
    So the anime can just be whatever, too.
SIGN    Grand Prix
[11:19] Uchi
    Now, let's get this show started.
[11:21] Both
    The A-1 Grand Prix 2021 Finals
    are about to start!
[11:27] Nar
    There are AI that want to
    make the humans laugh.
[11:30] Nar
    They number an unbelievable
    80,435,081 groups!
[11:36] Nar
    They want to prove...
[11:38] Nar
    that even they... can get laughs!
SIGN    May I help you?
SIGN    AASIMO
[11:45] Nar
    AASIMO!
SIGN    Roonda
[11:47] Nar
    Roonda!
SIGN    There's only
SIGN    Us
SIGN    Peppo
[11:49] Nar
    Peppo!
SIGN    Alexsa
[11:51] Nar
    Alexsa!
SIGN    Moguradar
[11:53] Nar
    Moguradar!
SIGN    Tontsukanyan
[11:55] Nar
    Tontsukanyan!
SIGN    Basshyz
[11:57] Nar
    Basshyz!
SIGN    Riceballs
[11:59] Nar
    Riceballs!
[12:01] Nar
    The AI cannot be stopped!
SIGN    Grand Prix
[12:05] Nar
    A-1 Grand Prix!
SIGN    Begins after the commercial break!!
[12:11] Todo
    Dang, the Riceballs actually
    made it to the finals.
[12:14] Ichi
    It's unbelievable.
[12:15] Oso
    Our support AI!
[12:17] Choro
    Why are they getting all of the spotlight?!
[12:21] Jyushi
    I wonder how the Riceballs
    are doing right about now.
[12:24] Kara
    They're probably pretty nervous.
[12:26] Jyushi
    Maybe they're puking oil.
[12:27] Kara
    Oil? Nah, I wouldn't go that far.
[12:51] Ume
    I-I'm so nervous.
[12:53] Salmon
    Let's at least go over our bit.
[12:55] Ume
    Yeah.
[13:02] Sh
    We can't even practice our own with
    everyone else practicing everywhere.
[13:06] Ume
    This happens all the time.
[13:07] Chibi
    Why, though?
SIGN    Quiet!
[13:09] Ume
    Hey, IwaChibi-san, why are you practicing?
[13:12] Ume
    Could you let us practice here?
[13:14] Iyami
    W-We might be chosen...
[13:16] Chibi
    ...in the repechage.
[13:18] Both
    Yeah, that's not happening.
[13:20] Sh
    You lost in the first round,
    so that's not happening.
[13:23] Ume
    You need to at least make
    it to the semifinals.
[13:25] Both
    Sheeeh!
SIGN    Laugh Lottery
[13:31] Ume
    Th-That's...
[13:32] Shake
    The laugh lottery!
SIGN    Laugh Lottery
[13:34] Ume
    The lottery that will decide the
    order we go in and our fate.
[13:38] Shake
    The most important thing in
    competitions like this is...
SIGN    Important!
SIGN    That's!?
[13:41] Both
    The order of the routines.
[13:43] Shake
    The subject matter, technique, and whether
    it's modern or not honestly don't matter!
[13:47] Shake
    What's important is the order we go in!
[13:49] Ume
    Did we go too far? It's the truth, though!
[13:51] Shake
    This is the angel and devil
    that have brought blessings
[13:54] Shake
    to many comedians in the
    past and killed others.
[13:57] Ume
    The first group has a harder time winning.
[13:59] Shake
    An orthodox group has a harder time
    going after a group with props.
[14:02] Ume
    The best place to be is
[14:04] Ume
    when the group before you completely
    fails and sets the stage for you,
[14:08] ume
    or right after that.
[14:09] ume
    Not after the first epic fail, if possible,
    but after the second or third.
[14:16] ume
    But things never go that well.
[14:19] ume
    So let's figure out an algorithm
    guaranteeing our victory.
[14:23] shake
    Okay.
[14:24] ume
    First, how many bits do we have?
[14:27] Shake
    648,563.
[14:30] Ume
    How many of those are four minutes?
[14:32] Shake
    120,422.
[14:34] Ume
    How many that will make or break us?
[14:35] Shake
    3,978.
[14:38] Ume
    What if we're up first?
SIGN    Convenience Store
SIGN    Convenience Store
[14:41] Shake
    What if we're up second?
SIGN    Interview
[14:44] Ume
    What if we're third?
SIGN    Convenience Store
[14:44] [Messenger] Sign
    Interview
SIGN    Sandals
[14:46] Shake
    What if we're fourth?
[14:48] [Messenger] Sign
    Phone
[14:48] Ume
    What if the group before us fails?
[14:50] Shake
    What if the group before us epically fails?
[14:52] Ume
    What if there's a commercial
    break before we go on?
[14:54] Shake
    What if the judges are in a bad mood?
[14:59] Both
    We've come up with an algorithm
    to win the A-1 Grand Prix!
[15:06] Shake
    Behold the power of AI.
[15:08] Ume
    We are flawless.
[15:10] AD
    It's almost go time.
[15:18] Both
    Akatsuka-sensei!
[15:22] Ichi
    Hey, it's on.
SIGN    Grand Prix
[15:32] Irino
    Hello! A-1 Grand Prix 2021 has officially begun!
[15:36] Irino
    I'm Irino Miyu, and I'll be your host, along with...
[15:38] Aya
    I'm Endou Aya!
[15:40] Both
    Let's have a great show!
[15:43] Irino
    And these are our AI judges!
[15:48] Irino
    Okay, let's get started.
SIGN    Laugh Lottery
[15:50] Irino
    Here's the first group.
    Let's see what the laugh lottery says.
[15:56] Irino
    If you will, Endou-san.
[15:58] Aya
    Sure.
[16:00] aya
    The first group is... Ta-da!
SIGN    Peppo
[16:02] Aya
    Peppo!
[16:06] Irino
    Come on up, Peppo!
[16:08] Robots
    Yeah! You've got this!
[16:12] All
    Fail, fail, fail...
SIGN    We're up first?
SIGN    Our luck sucks
[16:14] All
    Fail, fail, fail...
[16:16] All
    Fail, fail, fail!
[16:19] Ume
    But it's not good if the first group fails
    too hard, because the crowd gets grim.
[16:23] Ume
    Hopefully, they'll warm up the crowd.
[16:25] Shake
    Just don't epically fail.
[16:27] Both
    Don't epically fail!
SIGN    Peppo
[16:29] Both
    Hello, we're Peppo!
[16:32] Pepo A
    So, cellphone bills lately...
[16:34] Peppo b
    Yeah?
[16:35] Peppo B
    They're too effing expensive! Like, do
    they want rob us of house and home?!
[16:39] Peppo A
    Wait, what? Where did that even come from?
SIGN    Roonda
SIGN    Moguradar
SIGN    Peppo
[16:42] Shake
    At first, we were hoping
    all of our rivals would fail.
[16:46] Ume
    But they were all funny.
[16:49] Ume
    Even if there was a group
    that didn't get laughs,
[16:51] Ume
    they're honestly amazing
    to make it to the finals.
[16:55] Ume
    They must've worked so
    earnestly. That's so awesome.
[16:59] Shake
    I'm so happy we get to be here.
[17:02] Shake
    Let's just have fun.
SIGN    Roonda
SIGN    Moguradar
SIGN    Basshyz
[17:04] Shake
    While we were thinking about that...
[17:08] Aya
    The sixth group is... Ta-da!
SIGN    Riceballs
[17:10] Aya
    The Riceballs!
[17:14] Irino
    Come on out here, Riceballs!
[17:18] Four
    Riceballs!
[17:19] Choro
    You've got this!
[17:20] Oso
    People better laugh!
[17:22] Toto
    Salmon-chan!
[17:25] Iyami
    Laugh, people...
[17:26] Chibi
    Please!
[17:28] Aya
    And now for the Riceballs.
[17:32] Aya
    They're up...
[17:35] Aya
    Right after this commercial break!
[17:37] Irino
    D'oh!
[17:38] All
    D'oh!
[17:40] Both
    D'oh!
SIGN    Grand Prix
SIGN    The Finalists
[17:45] Lady
    A-1 Grand Prix 2021, the finalists.
[17:51] Nar
    They managed an unbelievable feat,
[17:53] Nar
    making it to the finals the
    year they formed their group.
[17:55] Nar
    The funny bot, Salmon.
[17:57] Nar
    The straight bot, Pickled Plum.
[17:59] Nar
    After their hellish start being
    support AI for the stupid sextuplets,
[18:02] Nar
    they were replaced and then reborn.
[18:05] Nar
    They've been given the Akatsuka DNA.
    Thanks, sextuplets. Thanks, Master Iyami.
[18:10] Nar
    This is our ultimate comedy routine.
[18:18] Lady
    Entry number 451132... the Riceballs!
[18:29] Both
    Hello!
[18:31] Shake
    I'm Salmon.
[18:32] Ume
    I'm Pickled Plum.
[18:33] Both
    We're the Riceballs. Thanks for having us.
[18:37] Shake
    Say, Pickled Plum-kun.
[18:39] Ume
    What is it, Salmon-kun?
[18:40] Shake
    So I'm going to go eat some really
    expensive Italian cuisine.
[18:57] Ume
    Hey, Salmon... Salmon...
[19:01] Ume
    Are we failing?
[19:04] Shake
    Huh?
[19:10] Shake
    We are! No one's laughing!
[19:13] Ume
    What should we do?
[19:15] Ume
    Also, Salmon! You keep
    messing up your lines!
[19:17] Shake
    Well, so do you!
[19:18] Ume
    Crap! We messed up so much
    that I forgot the routine!
[19:20] Shake
    I forgot, too!
[19:22] Ume
    I'm about to lose power!
[19:24] Shake
    I'm gonna restore to factory settings!
[19:25] Ume
    Ugh, why? We prepared so much!
    Our algorithm isn't working at all!
[19:34] Shake
    We want to be funny!
[19:35] Ume
    We want to get laughs!
SIGN    Funny
SIGN    Laughs
SIGN    What we want to do
SIGN    Comedy AI
[19:48] Both
    We're comedy AI!
[20:17] Irino
    What the heck? That's hilarious!
[20:19] Aya
    Even though they're not funny at all!
[20:27] Six
    I can't stop laughing!
[20:30] Six
    What the hell?!
[20:38] Irino
    And now for the final deliberations...
[20:41] Nar
    The final results!
SIGN    Grand Prix
[20:49] Irino
    The champion of A-1 Grand Prix 2021 is...
SIGN    Kyojingu Sabikawake Haniwa Rakurero Purokko Amagasa Awajishima
SIGN    Riceballs Sabikawake Haniwa Rakurero Purokko Amagasa Awajishima
[20:53] Irino
    The Riceballs! Riceballs! Riceballs!
SIGN    Riceballs Riceballs Haniwa Rakurero Purokko Amagasa Awajishima
SIGN    Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Rakurero Purokko Amagasa Awajishima
SIGN    Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Purokko Amagasa Awajishima
[20:57] Irino
    Riceballs! Riceballs! Riceballs! Riceballs!
SIGN    Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Amagasa Awajishima
SIGN    Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Awajishima
SIGN    Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs
[21:00] Irino
    The winners are the Riceballs!
[21:17] irino
    We now have our AI champions of comedy,
    the Riceballs. If we could get your comment.
SIGN    A-1 Grand Prix 2021 Champions
    
    Prize: Power for 100 years
[21:26] Shake
    A comment? I'm paddy choked up.
[21:28] Ume
    Same here.
[21:30] Both
    Because we're Riceballs.
[21:44] Kara
    Oh, God! Stop!
[21:46] Ichi
    I'm gonna die!
[21:49] Ume
    And that's how we were able to win.
[21:52] Shake
    However...
[21:54] Shake
    The TV station got a ton of complaints
    saying what we did wasn't actual comedy,
SIGN    Everyone's comments
    
    You shitty AI
    I feel some weird radio
     waves in my brain! My brain is shaking?!
    You trash brothers! Let's scrap them!
    Huh? I lost a few days worth of memories
    They're cheating? Give me back my money!
     This isn't comedy!
    I drove my car into a convenience
     store because of you! Pay up!!!
     Aaaaaaaaah my ears aaaah
    My skin is silky smooth and I can see better!
     I even feel better!
[21:59] Shake
    and that messing with people's brains with
    radio waves goes against any compliance,
SIGN    Hakata Metatron
    Those Riceballs or whatever
    are the worst AI ever!
SIGN    Musashi of Susukino
    I kept picking the wrong
    horses because of the
     Riceballs! This sucks! Give
     me my money back!!!
[22:05] Shake
    so we were stripped of our title.
    We became the outcasts in our field.
SIGN    Next Generation Comedian
    If that's what won,
     that show is over!
[22:09] Shake
    We weren't allowed on TV,
SIGN    TV Station President Apologizes
SIGN    A-1 Put On Indefinite Hiatus
SIGN    Akatsuka
    Times
[22:11] Shake
    and the competition itself was
    canceled after this year.
[22:15] Riceballs
    Sheeeh!
SIGN    End
[23:48] Choro
    Next time!
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:50] Oso
    The final episode!
SIGN    Final Episode