E4 - Matsuzou and Matsuyo

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Cavematsu-san
[00:06] All
    Cavematsu-san!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Matsuzou and Matsuyo"
SIGN    Milk
[02:43] Jyushi
    Muscle, muscle... Huh?!
[02:46] Jyushi
    Dad! You're spilling it!
[02:48] Dad
    Huh? Oh, yeah. Sorry.
[02:52] Dad
    I'm heading out.
[02:56] Todo
    Dad, you have to open the door first.
[02:58] Dad
    Huh? Oh.
[03:01] Todo
    Huh?
[03:03] Dad
    I'm home.
[03:05] Kara
    Daddy! What happened to your clothes?!
[03:07] Dad
    Huh?
[03:20] Todo
    What do you think is up with that,
    Osomatsu-niisan?
[03:22] Oso
    Huh?
[03:23] Todo
    I mean the way Dad's acting.
[03:24] Oso
    Is something wrong?
[03:25] Todo
    Wait, really? You haven't noticed?
[03:31] Oso
    Isn't your popsicle about
    two millimeters bigger than mine?
[03:34] Todo
    Yet you notice things like that right off
    the bat?! It's only two millimeters!
[03:37] Todo
    Here, I'll just trade you.
[03:38] Todo
    It's just gonna be a pain if we
    stay on this topic any longer.
[03:41] Oso
    Thanks!
[03:42] Jyushi
    But I wonder what's going on with Dad.
[03:45] Ichi
    Maybe something's troubling him.
[03:47] All
    Huh?
[03:49] Ichi
    Like, something is emotionally bothering him.
[03:52] Oso
    Huh? What are you talking about?
    You're scaring me.
[03:55] Choro
    Scaring you?
[03:56] Oso
    Well, I mean, think about it!
    What could actually be bothering Dad?
[04:00] Oso
    Nine times out of ten,
    we're the reason for his troubles!
[04:03] Oso
    We're all over twenty and spend
    every day just lazing around...
[04:06] Oso
    And there are six of us.
    His future's just bleak.
[04:09] Jyushi
    True.
[04:10] Oso
    The only thing waiting for him is getting old
    as part of the lowest caste in his generation.
[04:14] Oso
    Of course he's troubled.
[04:16] Jyushi
    True.
[04:18] Choro
    Don't you feel sad saying
    all that about yourself?
[04:20] Jyushi
    True.
[04:23] Todo
    And then Dad's finally going to
    reach his limit and tell us...
[04:27] Todo
    "I can't provide for our
    family alone anymore,
[04:30] Todo
    so I need all of you...
[04:32] Todo
    to work!"
[04:35] Both
    No!
[04:36] Choro
    Shut up!
[04:37] Kara
    All right. Let's never speak of this again.
[04:40] Kara
    There's nothing troubling Dad at all.
    He's perfectly fine.
[04:43] Choro
    Hey!
[04:44] Ichi
    Down with being forced to find a job.
[04:47] All
    Yeah!
[04:48] Ichi
    Don't wanna think about our parents' problems.
[04:50] All
    Nope!
[04:52] Oso
    No way!
[04:54] Jyushimatsu
    True.
[04:55] Kara
    Let's have fun in life.
[05:14] Choro
    Dad.
[05:21] Dad
    Troubles?
[05:22] Dad
    Choromatsu, who do you think you are,
    worrying about stuff like that?
[05:27] Choro
    No, there's definitely
    something troubling you.
[05:29] Dad
    Nope.
[05:30] Choro
    But you've been acting strange for a while.
[05:32] Dad
    I'm my usual self.
[05:33] Choro
    Why haven't you noticed the flying
    squirrel clinging to your back, then?
[05:40] Choro
    Go back to the forest.
[05:41] Dad
    I had no idea...
[05:45] Dad
    Actually... it's about your mother.
[05:48] Choro
    Mom?
[05:49] Dad
    Yeah.
[05:50] Choro
    Wait, what about Mom?
[05:54] Dad
    You see, your mother...
[06:02] Dad
    Your mother's been cold
    toward me for some reason!
[06:07] Dad
    She hasn't been kissing me goodnight
    or anything like that at all lately!
[06:11] Dad
    Is the spark gone?
    Does she not love me anymore?
[06:14] Dad
    I mean, we don't even do this or that anymore...
    What do you think, Choromatsu-kun?
[06:19] Choro
    Huh?
[06:21] Six
    Who the hell cares?!
[06:23] Dad
    Huh?! What do you mean, who cares?
[06:26] Dad
    Your father's shocked!
[06:27] Oso
    No, really, who cares?
[06:28] Jyushi
    Not our problem!
[06:29] Dad
    But we're husband and wife!
    We're supposed to be lovey-dovey forever!
[06:33] Kara
    Think about your damn age!
[06:35] Dad
    No. I don't want to think about my age.
[06:38] Dad
    I want to have a pervy relationship
    with your mother forever!
[06:41] Dad
    I'm so done... I don't
    even want to live anymore.
[06:45] Dad
    I'm gonna be a NEET, too.
[06:46] Three
    Wait, wait, wait, wait!
[06:49] Jyushi
    Wait a sec, Dad!
[06:50] Kara
    Just calm down.
[06:51] Dad
    No...
[06:52] Dad
    I'm done. I'm so done!
[06:53] Ichi
    So what are we going to do about this?
[06:54] Three bg
    Oh, come on...
[06:55] Three bg
    Get your face out of the sofa.
[06:56] Todo
    This is why I said we should leave it be.
[06:58] Ichi
    You just had to meddle.
[07:00] Choro
    Wait, wait, wait. It's not like I could've
    ever imagined this would be the problem!
[07:03] Choro
    I mean... I hear there are a lot more
    sexless married couples lately, but...
[07:07] Oso
    Hey! I don't want to hear that
    kind of stuff about our parents!
[07:10] Jyushi
    Nope! Can't!
[07:11] Kara
    Shut up!
[07:12] Todo
    But it's not like we can just
    ignore this now, right?
[07:15] Both
    Huh?
[07:16] Todo
    I mean, if Dad ends up quitting his job or,
    even worse, ends up moving out...
[07:22] Todo
    We NEETs will have no choice but to die.
[07:28] Todo
    All right. We've gotta do something.
[07:31] Todo
    Let's somehow help out Dad,
[07:33] Todo
    so we can prolong our lives as NEETs!
[07:36] Todo
    You're such a good boy, Totty!
    You're so cute and honest, Totty!
[07:41] Todo
    Dad!
[07:42] Dad
    Huh?
[07:43] Todo
    Don't worry. We'll do something
    about your relationship with Mom.
[07:47] Dad
    Huh? Nah, it's okay.
[07:49] Todo
    Don't worry!
[07:51] Dad
    It's okay.
[07:52] Todo
    But why?
[07:53] Dad
    Well, none of you...
[07:56] Dad
    have ever had a girlfriend.
[08:00] Dad
    You're all virgins.
[08:03] Dad
    It's not like you guys can help if you
    haven't even had any experience yet.
[08:07] Dad
    Shouldn't you guys be
    worrying about yourselves?
[08:10] Six
    Huh?!
[08:12] Oso
    So what if we've never girlfriends?!
[08:14] Todo
    So what if we're virgins?!
    Does that even matter right now?!
[08:17] Dad
    Actually, it matters quite a bit, doesn't it?
[08:20] Dad
    It's probably the most
    important thing, in fact.
[08:22] Ichi
    But at least we're
    knowledgeable about it!
[08:24] Choro
    We can give you advice!
[08:26] Dad
    You mean knowledge from dramas,
    light novels, and porn, right?
[08:29] Dad
    You can't actually use any
    of that in real life.
[08:31] Kara
    What the hell?! And here we
    were offering to help you!
[08:34] Dad
    And I'm telling you that you can't.
[08:36] Kara
    Why?!
[08:48] Dad
    What the heck are you guys doing?!
[08:50] Oso
    Pull it out, you piece-of-shit dad!
    We'll chop it off for you!
[08:51] Jyushi
    True.
[08:52] Oso
    You don't need it anymore, do you?!
[08:54] Dad
    Speak for yourselves, you damn virgins!
[08:55] Jyushi
    True!
[08:56] Oso
    Shut up!
[08:59] Todo
    So, what happened to the spark
    between you and Mom?
SIGN    Akatsuka Bathhouse
SIGN    Bath
[09:03] Todo
    Know what might've caused it?
[09:04] Dad
    No idea.
[09:05] Todo
    How can you not know?
    Man, your attitude pisses me off.
[09:08] Dad
    No idea! As we got older, those kinds
    of feelings naturally declined,
[09:13] Dad
    and before I knew it,
    they were totally gone.
[09:16] Dad
    She's so heartless...
[09:20] Kara
    Hang on a sec.
[09:22] Kara
    Why does it sound like you've just been
    blaming this on Mom this whole time?
[09:26] Dad
    Huh?
[09:27] Oso
    Yeah, that's what I thought, too.
[09:29] Oso
    You're making it sound like Mom's the one
    who's in the wrong for denying you.
[09:32] Dad
    Well, we're husband and wife.
[09:33] All
    See? There you go!
[09:34] Dad
    Huh?
[09:35] Ichi
    Look, you...
[09:36] Dad
    "You"?
[09:37] Ichi
    Why do you just naturally assume
    that she'll always love you?
[09:39] Ichi
    Get off your high horse.
[09:40] Ichi
    Who do you think you are, huh?
[09:42] Todo
    You gotta be more humble, Dad. You weren't
    like this when you were young, were you?
[09:46] Choro
    Remember those days when you were still pure.
[09:48] Jyushi
    Then Mom will too, probably.
[09:50] Oso
    You gotta be more humble.
[09:52] Kara
    Take back your youth!
[09:53] Choro
    So why don't you return to being a virgin, Dad?
[09:56] Dad
    Uh, h-how?
[09:57] Oso
    Don't worry, Dad. Because you have us...
[10:02] All
    ...six actual virgins on your side!
[10:05] Dad
    Huh?
[10:09] Six
    Such a virgin!
[10:11] Jyushi
    Hello, Cherryzou-kun!
[10:13] Ichi
    Hello, Cherryzou-kun.
[10:15] Dad
    Huh?
[10:16] Kara
    Right-o, Cherryzou! We're gonna
    turn you back into a virgin!
[10:19] Jyushi
    Yeah!
[10:20] Dad
    Huh?
SIGN    Virgin five-step conjugations
[10:22] Kara
    Here we go! Virgin five-step conjugations.
[10:25] ---
    Let's do this!
SIGN    Boobs
[10:27] Kara
    Boobs.
[10:27] six
    Boobn't! Boobed! Boobing!
    Get boobed! Boob it!
SIGN    Pantyshot
[10:32] Kara
    Pantyshot.
[10:33] Six
    Pantynot! Pantyshotted! Pantyshotting!
    Pantyshoot! Pantyism!
SIGN    Kiss
[10:37] Kara
    Kiss.
[10:37] Six
    Wanna kiss! Wanna kiss!
    Wanna kiss! Wanna kiss!
[10:40] Six
    If all else fails,
    wanna see someone else kiss!
[10:41] Kara
    Perfect!
[10:43] Dad
    Huh?
[10:45] Totty
    All right. Go buy a dirty book.
SIGN    We now carry oden
[10:47] Dad
    Huh?
[10:48] Oso
    Move it!
[10:54] Dad
    I bought one.
[10:58] Dad
    Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
[11:00] Oso
    The hell are you doing, Cherryzou?!
[11:02] Todo
    That's not how a virgin buys
    those at all, Cherryzou!
[11:04] Dad
    Huh?
[11:05] Todo
    Why did you pay at the girl's register?
[11:09] Todo
    You're supposed to go to the
    old man's register! He's our ally!
[11:12] Oso
    And when you take out the dirty book,
SIGN    Rububbu
    Hakone
[11:14] Oso
    you put it between normal
    magazines to hide the cover!
[11:16] Todo
    Then you hide them in your shirt
    and sneak as hard as you can sneak
[11:19] Todo
    all the way home!
[11:20] Both
    Those are basics!
[11:23] Choro
    Well, if it were me...
[11:26] Choro
    When I go to put it in my basket,
[11:27] Choro
    I'd make it look like it just happened
    to fall in with another magazine.
[11:33] Oso
    That's our Fappymatsu-san!
    I've been enlightened!
[11:35] Choro
    Swipe.
[11:37] Five
    We've been enlightened!
SIGN    Visible bras
[11:40] Kara
    Visible bras.
[11:41] Six
    Uh, they're underwear! Uh, they're underwear!
[11:43] Six
    Uh, they're underwear! They're super sexy!
[11:44] Six
    Thanks!
SIGN    Ririko
SIGN    Graduation Album
SIGN    Young Chample
SIGN    Shigebu Mobuko
[11:46] Ichi
    All right. Which of these would you pick?
[11:48] Dad
    Huh?
SIGN    Ririko
[11:50] Dad
    This one?
[11:51] Ichi
    Of course you should pick
    the graduation album!
[11:53] Jyushi
    Everyone knows that!
SIGN    Tattoos
[11:56] Kara
    Tattoos!
[11:56] Five
    Nope...
[11:57] Five
    Scary...
[11:58] Five
    Too bold...
SIGN    Fuwari Ecchi
SIGN    Konai Shasei
[12:00] Jyushi
    How about out of these two, then?
[12:02] Dad
    Huh?
[12:03] Dad
    This one.
[12:04] Dad
    What?! I seriously don't know anymore!
[12:06] Jyushi
    You're supposed to pick both!
[12:07] Ichi
    You're supposed to be greedy here!
[12:09] Dad
    How would I know?!
SIGN    Ultra
    Sexy
[12:24] Totty
    W-Well, Dad? Were you able
    to regain your virgin heart?
[12:29] Dad
    No.
[12:29] Kara
    Wh-What do you think when you see this?
[12:33] Dad
    Nothing, really.
[12:36] Oso
    Then I'm completely out of ideas.
[12:38] Dad
    Huh?
[12:39] Choro
    We can't help you.
[12:41] Choro
    You'll have to figure it out yourself.
[12:43] Dad
    Huh?
[12:44] Six
    See ya.
[12:45] Dad
    What?! You're just going to
    abandon me after all that?!
[12:48] Dad
    Don't abandon Cherryzou! Hey!
[12:52] Guy 1
    So about the corn soup...
[12:55] Guy 1
    Say something.
[12:56] Guy 2
    I forgot.
[12:57] Guy 1
    But this is your job.
[12:58] ---
    No, it's not.
[13:00] Dad
    Why? Why won't she fall
    in love with me again?
[13:07] Dad
    I spent so much time and money...
    That's so messed up.
[13:11] Totty
    Yeah, I'd say that looks pretty messed up!
[13:13] Todo
    How did you end up like that?
    What made you think it was even acceptable?
[13:17] Dad
    How about this, Dad?
[13:22] Dad
    Sorry to drag you guys out here like this.
[13:24] Dad
    To be completely honest,
    I might've just been lonely.
[13:29] Dad
    You guys were born and became adults...
[13:33] Dad
    Even though you're all still unemployed.
[13:36] Dad
    I did feel somewhat like we were
    finally liberated as parents...
[13:42] Dad
    And then, suddenly, I started to worry.
[13:45] Dad
    I wondered why she was still with me, then.
[13:49] Dad
    I wondered if it was actually
    because she still loved me.
[13:54] Dad
    What am I saying at my age?
    What am I, a virgin?
[14:01] Jyushi
    What about your oden?
[14:03] Dad
    It's fine. I'll eat at home.
[14:05] Ichi
    Dad...
[14:08] Ichi
    Are you sure you're done?
    Is that how you really feel?
[14:11] Dad
    Yeah... The old man's gonna retire, boys.
[14:13] Dad
    Keep doing your best, you Cherrymatsus.
[14:16] Ichi
    Shut up.
[14:18] Dad
    See ya.
[14:20] Chibi
    Wait, old man!
[14:22] Todo
    Whoa, he's bawling! What got into you?!
SIGN    Hybrid Oden Cards accepted
[14:24] Chibi
    Try talking to Dekapan!
[14:27] Todo
    Dekapan?
[14:28] Chib
    You know... He might have some
    useful item he'll let you borrow.
[14:31] Todo
    What kind of useful item?
[14:35] Chibi
    Maybe a love potion or something?
[14:37] Todo
    Love potion?
[14:39] Todo
    Nah, there's no way
    Dad would use that on Mo—
[14:41] Dad
    Love potion! Of course!
[14:43] Todo
    Dad?!
[14:44] Dad
    Why didn't I think of that?!
[14:46] Six
    Dad!
[14:49] Deka
    Of course I have some.
[14:51] Dad
    He actually has some!
[14:52] Dad
    Seriously? Yay!
[14:54] Both
    Unparalleled hustle! Unparalleled hustle!
[14:56] Choro
    He hadn't given up at all...
[14:59] Todo
    What was that bit of gloom even for?
[15:02] Deka
    Huh? But it's...
[15:04] Dad
    Huh?!
[15:05] Deka
    That's strange... How can that be?
[15:07] Dayon
    I didn't do it!
[15:09] Dayon
    I didn't use it!
[15:12] Dayon
    I'm telling the truth!
[15:14] Ichi
    Must be him.
[15:16] Oso
    Yup.
[15:17] Deka
    Well, this is a problem.
[15:20] Deka
    I have the recipe,
[15:21] Deka
    but the flower included in the ingredients
    only grows beyond the sea.
[15:24] Deka
    In one of the most secluded—
[15:25] Dad
    Give me that!
[15:26] Six
    Dad!
[15:40] Dad
    I-I'm...
[15:43] Dad
    finished...
[15:45] Dad
    Karamatsu?!
[15:48] Kara
    I've come to save you.
[15:56] Both
    We're finished!
[15:58] Oso
    Leave this...
[15:59] Jyushi
    ...to us!
[16:04] Oso
    Damn it!
[16:06] Jyushi
    Damn it!
[16:07] Both
    We're finished!
[16:09] Dad
    Hey, look.
[16:13] Oso
    Choromatsu!
[16:14] Jyushi
    Ichimatsu-niisan!
[16:16] Choro
    Wh-What should we do?
[16:18] Ichi
    What should we do?
[16:19] Choro
    You decide.
[16:21] Ichi
    No, no. You go right ahead.
[16:23] Oso
    Hey, over here!
[16:24] Jyushi
    Over here!
[16:25] Four
    Hey!
[16:32] Ichi
    Oh, it's Totty. Hey!
[16:39] Choro
    Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
[16:41] All
    Hold it, Todomatsu!
[16:41] All
    Hey!
[16:42] Six
    It hurts!
[16:43] Six
    It's heavy!
[16:45] Six
    It's hot!
[16:47] Six
    It's cold!
[16:48] Six
    It's cramped!
[16:50] Six
    It's dark!
[16:51] Six
    It stinks!
[16:53] Six
    It's loud!
[16:55] Oso
    Here we go!
[16:56] Five
    Yeah!
[17:42] Deka
    It's finished.
[17:48] Dad
    I-It's finally...
[17:51] Six
    D-Dad!
[17:53] Dad
    Yeah.
[17:54] All
    Yay!
[17:56] Jyushi
    Mom won't know what hit her!
    She'll fall in love with you again!
[17:59] All
    Hustle, hustle! Muscle, muscle!
[18:02] All
    Hustle, hustle! Muscle, muscle!
[18:08] Oso
    Well, goodnight.
[18:11] Kara
    We did good.
[18:13] Todo
    Who knew it felt so good to
    work up a sweat like that?
[18:16] Choro
    We've done our job as sons.
[18:18] Five
    Right?
[18:21] Oso
    Oh, yeah.
[18:23] Oso
    Once this is over, let's have Dad
    share some of that potion with us.
[18:27] Todo
    Good idea. Then maybe we'll finally
    graduate from being virgins?
[18:30] Jyushi
    Awesome!
[18:33] Jyushi
    I can't wait!
[18:33] Oso
    Yeah.
SIGN    Matsuno
SIGN    In Use
SIGN    Delivery Room
[20:19] Mom
    Takes you back, doesn't it?
[20:26] Dad
    Yeah.
[20:28] Mom
    Do you remember? A long time ago,
    you shouted at me.
[20:33] Mom
    From here.
[20:34] Dad
    Huh?
[20:37] Dad
    I love you!
[20:44] Mom
    Did you actually forget?
[20:47] Dad
    I forgot. I don't have time to
    remember stuff from that long ago.
[20:53] Mom
    I see.
[20:56] Mom
    But I'll never forget...
    No matter how long it's been.
[21:00] Dad
    I see.
[21:06] Mom
    Sure is cold.
[21:14] Mom
    Someday, we're going to be alone like this.
[21:19] Dad
    Yeah.
[21:25] Dad
    What's going on?
[21:34] Hata
    Jo, jo, jo...
[21:35] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[21:36] Chibi
    The hell?! You idjits! Damn it!
[21:37] Iyami
    Sh-Sh-Sheeeh!
[21:37] Chibi
    The hell?! You idjits! Damn it!
[21:40] Oso
    T-Totoko-chan... We've been sexless
    ever since the day we were born.
[21:45] Five
    Completely sexless.
[21:47] Six
    Totoko-chan!
[21:49] Toto
    No one wants you,
[21:51] Toto
    you NEET virgins!
[22:03] Mom
    Do you think we'll ever be alone?
SIGN    End
[22:07] Dad
    I'm not so sure.
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
[23:39] Kara
    It's me, Karamatsu.
[23:40] Kara
    I'm not so bad in the fall,
    but you should see me in summer.
[23:44] Kara
    Now I'd like to present to you
[23:46] Kara
    something that summer left behind.
[23:48] Kara
    Next time, "Osomatsu-san in the Summer"
    will bring you those sexy hips.
SIGN    "Osomatsu-san in the Summer"
[23:52] Kara
    What time is it?