E4 - Matsuzou and Matsuyo Source: Crunchyroll Translator: Editor: Timer: QC: (Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.) SIGN    Cavematsu-san [00:06] All     Cavematsu-san! SIGN    End SIGN    "Matsuzou and Matsuyo" SIGN    Milk [02:43] Jyushi     Muscle, muscle... Huh?! [02:46] Jyushi     Dad! You're spilling it! [02:48] Dad     Huh? Oh, yeah. Sorry. [02:52] Dad     I'm heading out. [02:56] Todo     Dad, you have to open the door first. [02:58] Dad     Huh? Oh. [03:01] Todo     Huh? [03:03] Dad     I'm home. [03:05] Kara     Daddy! What happened to your clothes?! [03:07] Dad     Huh? [03:20] Todo     What do you think is up with that,     Osomatsu-niisan? [03:22] Oso     Huh? [03:23] Todo     I mean the way Dad's acting. [03:24] Oso     Is something wrong? [03:25] Todo     Wait, really? You haven't noticed? [03:31] Oso     Isn't your popsicle about     two millimeters bigger than mine? [03:34] Todo     Yet you notice things like that right off     the bat?! It's only two millimeters! [03:37] Todo     Here, I'll just trade you. [03:38] Todo     It's just gonna be a pain if we     stay on this topic any longer. [03:41] Oso     Thanks! [03:42] Jyushi     But I wonder what's going on with Dad. [03:45] Ichi     Maybe something's troubling him. [03:47] All     Huh? [03:49] Ichi     Like, something is emotionally bothering him. [03:52] Oso     Huh? What are you talking about?     You're scaring me. [03:55] Choro     Scaring you? [03:56] Oso     Well, I mean, think about it!     What could actually be bothering Dad? [04:00] Oso     Nine times out of ten,     we're the reason for his troubles! [04:03] Oso     We're all over twenty and spend     every day just lazing around... [04:06] Oso     And there are six of us.     His future's just bleak. [04:09] Jyushi     True. [04:10] Oso     The only thing waiting for him is getting old     as part of the lowest caste in his generation. [04:14] Oso     Of course he's troubled. [04:16] Jyushi     True. [04:18] Choro     Don't you feel sad saying     all that about yourself? [04:20] Jyushi     True. [04:23] Todo     And then Dad's finally going to     reach his limit and tell us... [04:27] Todo     "I can't provide for our     family alone anymore, [04:30] Todo     so I need all of you... [04:32] Todo     to work!" [04:35] Both     No! [04:36] Choro     Shut up! [04:37] Kara     All right. Let's never speak of this again. [04:40] Kara     There's nothing troubling Dad at all.     He's perfectly fine. [04:43] Choro     Hey! [04:44] Ichi     Down with being forced to find a job. [04:47] All     Yeah! [04:48] Ichi     Don't wanna think about our parents' problems. [04:50] All     Nope! [04:52] Oso     No way! [04:54] Jyushimatsu     True. [04:55] Kara     Let's have fun in life. [05:14] Choro     Dad. [05:21] Dad     Troubles? [05:22] Dad     Choromatsu, who do you think you are,     worrying about stuff like that? [05:27] Choro     No, there's definitely     something troubling you. [05:29] Dad     Nope. [05:30] Choro     But you've been acting strange for a while. [05:32] Dad     I'm my usual self. [05:33] Choro     Why haven't you noticed the flying     squirrel clinging to your back, then? [05:40] Choro     Go back to the forest. [05:41] Dad     I had no idea... [05:45] Dad     Actually... it's about your mother. [05:48] Choro     Mom? [05:49] Dad     Yeah. [05:50] Choro     Wait, what about Mom? [05:54] Dad     You see, your mother... [06:02] Dad     Your mother's been cold     toward me for some reason! [06:07] Dad     She hasn't been kissing me goodnight     or anything like that at all lately! [06:11] Dad     Is the spark gone?     Does she not love me anymore? [06:14] Dad     I mean, we don't even do this or that anymore...     What do you think, Choromatsu-kun? [06:19] Choro     Huh? [06:21] Six     Who the hell cares?! [06:23] Dad     Huh?! What do you mean, who cares? [06:26] Dad     Your father's shocked! [06:27] Oso     No, really, who cares? [06:28] Jyushi     Not our problem! [06:29] Dad     But we're husband and wife!     We're supposed to be lovey-dovey forever! [06:33] Kara     Think about your damn age! [06:35] Dad     No. I don't want to think about my age. [06:38] Dad     I want to have a pervy relationship     with your mother forever! [06:41] Dad     I'm so done... I don't     even want to live anymore. [06:45] Dad     I'm gonna be a NEET, too. [06:46] Three     Wait, wait, wait, wait! [06:49] Jyushi     Wait a sec, Dad! [06:50] Kara     Just calm down. [06:51] Dad     No... [06:52] Dad     I'm done. I'm so done! [06:53] Ichi     So what are we going to do about this? [06:54] Three bg     Oh, come on... [06:55] Three bg     Get your face out of the sofa. [06:56] Todo     This is why I said we should leave it be. [06:58] Ichi     You just had to meddle. [07:00] Choro     Wait, wait, wait. It's not like I could've     ever imagined this would be the problem! [07:03] Choro     I mean... I hear there are a lot more     sexless married couples lately, but... [07:07] Oso     Hey! I don't want to hear that     kind of stuff about our parents! [07:10] Jyushi     Nope! Can't! [07:11] Kara     Shut up! [07:12] Todo     But it's not like we can just     ignore this now, right? [07:15] Both     Huh? [07:16] Todo     I mean, if Dad ends up quitting his job or,     even worse, ends up moving out... [07:22] Todo     We NEETs will have no choice but to die. [07:28] Todo     All right. We've gotta do something. [07:31] Todo     Let's somehow help out Dad, [07:33] Todo     so we can prolong our lives as NEETs! [07:36] Todo     You're such a good boy, Totty!     You're so cute and honest, Totty! [07:41] Todo     Dad! [07:42] Dad     Huh? [07:43] Todo     Don't worry. We'll do something     about your relationship with Mom. [07:47] Dad     Huh? Nah, it's okay. [07:49] Todo     Don't worry! [07:51] Dad     It's okay. [07:52] Todo     But why? [07:53] Dad     Well, none of you... [07:56] Dad     have ever had a girlfriend. [08:00] Dad     You're all virgins. [08:03] Dad     It's not like you guys can help if you     haven't even had any experience yet. [08:07] Dad     Shouldn't you guys be     worrying about yourselves? [08:10] Six     Huh?! [08:12] Oso     So what if we've never girlfriends?! [08:14] Todo     So what if we're virgins?!     Does that even matter right now?! [08:17] Dad     Actually, it matters quite a bit, doesn't it? [08:20] Dad     It's probably the most     important thing, in fact. [08:22] Ichi     But at least we're     knowledgeable about it! [08:24] Choro     We can give you advice! [08:26] Dad     You mean knowledge from dramas,     light novels, and porn, right? [08:29] Dad     You can't actually use any     of that in real life. [08:31] Kara     What the hell?! And here we     were offering to help you! [08:34] Dad     And I'm telling you that you can't. [08:36] Kara     Why?! [08:48] Dad     What the heck are you guys doing?! [08:50] Oso     Pull it out, you piece-of-shit dad!     We'll chop it off for you! [08:51] Jyushi     True. [08:52] Oso     You don't need it anymore, do you?! [08:54] Dad     Speak for yourselves, you damn virgins! [08:55] Jyushi     True! [08:56] Oso     Shut up! [08:59] Todo     So, what happened to the spark     between you and Mom? SIGN    Akatsuka Bathhouse SIGN    Bath [09:03] Todo     Know what might've caused it? [09:04] Dad     No idea. [09:05] Todo     How can you not know?     Man, your attitude pisses me off. [09:08] Dad     No idea! As we got older, those kinds     of feelings naturally declined, [09:13] Dad     and before I knew it,     they were totally gone. [09:16] Dad     She's so heartless... [09:20] Kara     Hang on a sec. [09:22] Kara     Why does it sound like you've just been     blaming this on Mom this whole time? [09:26] Dad     Huh? [09:27] Oso     Yeah, that's what I thought, too. [09:29] Oso     You're making it sound like Mom's the one     who's in the wrong for denying you. [09:32] Dad     Well, we're husband and wife. [09:33] All     See? There you go! [09:34] Dad     Huh? [09:35] Ichi     Look, you... [09:36] Dad     "You"? [09:37] Ichi     Why do you just naturally assume     that she'll always love you? [09:39] Ichi     Get off your high horse. [09:40] Ichi     Who do you think you are, huh? [09:42] Todo     You gotta be more humble, Dad. You weren't     like this when you were young, were you? [09:46] Choro     Remember those days when you were still pure. [09:48] Jyushi     Then Mom will too, probably. [09:50] Oso     You gotta be more humble. [09:52] Kara     Take back your youth! [09:53] Choro     So why don't you return to being a virgin, Dad? [09:56] Dad     Uh, h-how? [09:57] Oso     Don't worry, Dad. Because you have us... [10:02] All     ...six actual virgins on your side! [10:05] Dad     Huh? [10:09] Six     Such a virgin! [10:11] Jyushi     Hello, Cherryzou-kun! [10:13] Ichi     Hello, Cherryzou-kun. [10:15] Dad     Huh? [10:16] Kara     Right-o, Cherryzou! We're gonna     turn you back into a virgin! [10:19] Jyushi     Yeah! [10:20] Dad     Huh? SIGN    Virgin five-step conjugations [10:22] Kara     Here we go! Virgin five-step conjugations. [10:25] ---     Let's do this! SIGN    Boobs [10:27] Kara     Boobs. [10:27] six     Boobn't! Boobed! Boobing!     Get boobed! Boob it! SIGN    Pantyshot [10:32] Kara     Pantyshot. [10:33] Six     Pantynot! Pantyshotted! Pantyshotting!     Pantyshoot! Pantyism! SIGN    Kiss [10:37] Kara     Kiss. [10:37] Six     Wanna kiss! Wanna kiss!     Wanna kiss! Wanna kiss! [10:40] Six     If all else fails,     wanna see someone else kiss! [10:41] Kara     Perfect! [10:43] Dad     Huh? [10:45] Totty     All right. Go buy a dirty book. SIGN    We now carry oden [10:47] Dad     Huh? [10:48] Oso     Move it! [10:54] Dad     I bought one. [10:58] Dad     Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! [11:00] Oso     The hell are you doing, Cherryzou?! [11:02] Todo     That's not how a virgin buys     those at all, Cherryzou! [11:04] Dad     Huh? [11:05] Todo     Why did you pay at the girl's register? [11:09] Todo     You're supposed to go to the     old man's register! He's our ally! [11:12] Oso     And when you take out the dirty book, SIGN    Rububbu     Hakone [11:14] Oso     you put it between normal     magazines to hide the cover! [11:16] Todo     Then you hide them in your shirt     and sneak as hard as you can sneak [11:19] Todo     all the way home! [11:20] Both     Those are basics! [11:23] Choro     Well, if it were me... [11:26] Choro     When I go to put it in my basket, [11:27] Choro     I'd make it look like it just happened     to fall in with another magazine. [11:33] Oso     That's our Fappymatsu-san!     I've been enlightened! [11:35] Choro     Swipe. [11:37] Five     We've been enlightened! SIGN    Visible bras [11:40] Kara     Visible bras. [11:41] Six     Uh, they're underwear! Uh, they're underwear! [11:43] Six     Uh, they're underwear! They're super sexy! [11:44] Six     Thanks! SIGN    Ririko SIGN    Graduation Album SIGN    Young Chample SIGN    Shigebu Mobuko [11:46] Ichi     All right. Which of these would you pick? [11:48] Dad     Huh? SIGN    Ririko [11:50] Dad     This one? [11:51] Ichi     Of course you should pick     the graduation album! [11:53] Jyushi     Everyone knows that! SIGN    Tattoos [11:56] Kara     Tattoos! [11:56] Five     Nope... [11:57] Five     Scary... [11:58] Five     Too bold... SIGN    Fuwari Ecchi SIGN    Konai Shasei [12:00] Jyushi     How about out of these two, then? [12:02] Dad     Huh? [12:03] Dad     This one. [12:04] Dad     What?! I seriously don't know anymore! [12:06] Jyushi     You're supposed to pick both! [12:07] Ichi     You're supposed to be greedy here! [12:09] Dad     How would I know?! SIGN    Ultra     Sexy [12:24] Totty     W-Well, Dad? Were you able     to regain your virgin heart? [12:29] Dad     No. [12:29] Kara     Wh-What do you think when you see this? [12:33] Dad     Nothing, really. [12:36] Oso     Then I'm completely out of ideas. [12:38] Dad     Huh? [12:39] Choro     We can't help you. [12:41] Choro     You'll have to figure it out yourself. [12:43] Dad     Huh? [12:44] Six     See ya. [12:45] Dad     What?! You're just going to     abandon me after all that?! [12:48] Dad     Don't abandon Cherryzou! Hey! [12:52] Guy 1     So about the corn soup... [12:55] Guy 1     Say something. [12:56] Guy 2     I forgot. [12:57] Guy 1     But this is your job. [12:58] ---     No, it's not. [13:00] Dad     Why? Why won't she fall     in love with me again? [13:07] Dad     I spent so much time and money...     That's so messed up. [13:11] Totty     Yeah, I'd say that looks pretty messed up! [13:13] Todo     How did you end up like that?     What made you think it was even acceptable? [13:17] Dad     How about this, Dad? [13:22] Dad     Sorry to drag you guys out here like this. [13:24] Dad     To be completely honest,     I might've just been lonely. [13:29] Dad     You guys were born and became adults... [13:33] Dad     Even though you're all still unemployed. [13:36] Dad     I did feel somewhat like we were     finally liberated as parents... [13:42] Dad     And then, suddenly, I started to worry. [13:45] Dad     I wondered why she was still with me, then. [13:49] Dad     I wondered if it was actually     because she still loved me. [13:54] Dad     What am I saying at my age?     What am I, a virgin? [14:01] Jyushi     What about your oden? [14:03] Dad     It's fine. I'll eat at home. [14:05] Ichi     Dad... [14:08] Ichi     Are you sure you're done?     Is that how you really feel? [14:11] Dad     Yeah... The old man's gonna retire, boys. [14:13] Dad     Keep doing your best, you Cherrymatsus. [14:16] Ichi     Shut up. [14:18] Dad     See ya. [14:20] Chibi     Wait, old man! [14:22] Todo     Whoa, he's bawling! What got into you?! SIGN    Hybrid Oden Cards accepted [14:24] Chibi     Try talking to Dekapan! [14:27] Todo     Dekapan? [14:28] Chib     You know... He might have some     useful item he'll let you borrow. [14:31] Todo     What kind of useful item? [14:35] Chibi     Maybe a love potion or something? [14:37] Todo     Love potion? [14:39] Todo     Nah, there's no way     Dad would use that on Mo— [14:41] Dad     Love potion! Of course! [14:43] Todo     Dad?! [14:44] Dad     Why didn't I think of that?! [14:46] Six     Dad! [14:49] Deka     Of course I have some. [14:51] Dad     He actually has some! [14:52] Dad     Seriously? Yay! [14:54] Both     Unparalleled hustle! Unparalleled hustle! [14:56] Choro     He hadn't given up at all... [14:59] Todo     What was that bit of gloom even for? [15:02] Deka     Huh? But it's... [15:04] Dad     Huh?! [15:05] Deka     That's strange... How can that be? [15:07] Dayon     I didn't do it! [15:09] Dayon     I didn't use it! [15:12] Dayon     I'm telling the truth! [15:14] Ichi     Must be him. [15:16] Oso     Yup. [15:17] Deka     Well, this is a problem. [15:20] Deka     I have the recipe, [15:21] Deka     but the flower included in the ingredients     only grows beyond the sea. [15:24] Deka     In one of the most secluded— [15:25] Dad     Give me that! [15:26] Six     Dad! [15:40] Dad     I-I'm... [15:43] Dad     finished... [15:45] Dad     Karamatsu?! [15:48] Kara     I've come to save you. [15:56] Both     We're finished! [15:58] Oso     Leave this... [15:59] Jyushi     ...to us! [16:04] Oso     Damn it! [16:06] Jyushi     Damn it! [16:07] Both     We're finished! [16:09] Dad     Hey, look. [16:13] Oso     Choromatsu! [16:14] Jyushi     Ichimatsu-niisan! [16:16] Choro     Wh-What should we do? [16:18] Ichi     What should we do? [16:19] Choro     You decide. [16:21] Ichi     No, no. You go right ahead. [16:23] Oso     Hey, over here! [16:24] Jyushi     Over here! [16:25] Four     Hey! [16:32] Ichi     Oh, it's Totty. Hey! [16:39] Choro     Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! [16:41] All     Hold it, Todomatsu! [16:41] All     Hey! [16:42] Six     It hurts! [16:43] Six     It's heavy! [16:45] Six     It's hot! [16:47] Six     It's cold! [16:48] Six     It's cramped! [16:50] Six     It's dark! [16:51] Six     It stinks! [16:53] Six     It's loud! [16:55] Oso     Here we go! [16:56] Five     Yeah! [17:42] Deka     It's finished. [17:48] Dad     I-It's finally... [17:51] Six     D-Dad! [17:53] Dad     Yeah. [17:54] All     Yay! [17:56] Jyushi     Mom won't know what hit her!     She'll fall in love with you again! [17:59] All     Hustle, hustle! Muscle, muscle! [18:02] All     Hustle, hustle! Muscle, muscle! [18:08] Oso     Well, goodnight. [18:11] Kara     We did good. [18:13] Todo     Who knew it felt so good to     work up a sweat like that? [18:16] Choro     We've done our job as sons. [18:18] Five     Right? [18:21] Oso     Oh, yeah. [18:23] Oso     Once this is over, let's have Dad     share some of that potion with us. [18:27] Todo     Good idea. Then maybe we'll finally     graduate from being virgins? [18:30] Jyushi     Awesome! [18:33] Jyushi     I can't wait! [18:33] Oso     Yeah. SIGN    Matsuno SIGN    In Use SIGN    Delivery Room [20:19] Mom     Takes you back, doesn't it? [20:26] Dad     Yeah. [20:28] Mom     Do you remember? A long time ago,     you shouted at me. [20:33] Mom     From here. [20:34] Dad     Huh? [20:37] Dad     I love you! [20:44] Mom     Did you actually forget? [20:47] Dad     I forgot. I don't have time to     remember stuff from that long ago. [20:53] Mom     I see. [20:56] Mom     But I'll never forget...     No matter how long it's been. [21:00] Dad     I see. [21:06] Mom     Sure is cold. [21:14] Mom     Someday, we're going to be alone like this. [21:19] Dad     Yeah. [21:25] Dad     What's going on? [21:34] Hata     Jo, jo, jo... [21:35] Iyami     Sheeeh! [21:36] Chibi     The hell?! You idjits! Damn it! [21:37] Iyami     Sh-Sh-Sheeeh! [21:37] Chibi     The hell?! You idjits! Damn it! [21:40] Oso     T-Totoko-chan... We've been sexless     ever since the day we were born. [21:45] Five     Completely sexless. [21:47] Six     Totoko-chan! [21:49] Toto     No one wants you, [21:51] Toto     you NEET virgins! [22:03] Mom     Do you think we'll ever be alone? SIGN    End [22:07] Dad     I'm not so sure. SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu [23:39] Kara     It's me, Karamatsu. [23:40] Kara     I'm not so bad in the fall,     but you should see me in summer. [23:44] Kara     Now I'd like to present to you [23:46] Kara     something that summer left behind. [23:48] Kara     Next time, "Osomatsu-san in the Summer"     will bring you those sexy hips. SIGN    "Osomatsu-san in the Summer" [23:52] Kara     What time is it?