# E16 - Matsuno Matsunan / The Ichimatsu Incident
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/GYQ4Q3116/matsuno-matsunan--the-ichimatsu-incident)
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
***SIGN*** Cat Café
***SIGN*** Now
Hiring
**[00:03] Guy**
Hey... Are you sure you want to work here?
**[00:09] Ichi**
Yes.
**[00:10] Guy**
Are you up for this?
**[00:11] Ichi**
Yes.
**[00:13] Guy**
You don't really look like it.
**[00:16] Guy**
Should we start with training, then?
**[00:18] Ichi**
Please.
**[00:26] Guy**
That's what you wanted to do?!
***SIGN*** "Matsuno Matsunan"
**[02:00] Nar**
* So this and that happened,*
* and a war broke out*
**[02:04] Nar**
* which destroyed the world,*
* and we were also destroyed.*
**[02:08] Nar**
*The earth split, the seas dried up...*
**[02:11] Nar**
*Earth lost all of its moisture,*
**[02:14] Nar**
* and the merciless UV rays*
* left everything parched.*
**[02:23] Guy**
M-My cracked lip...
**[02:27] Lady**
My rough heels...
**[02:29] Nar**
* The average age of everyone's*
* skin surpassed 200.*
**[02:39] Goon**
Iyami-sama, we've received intel that
there's been a new delivery up ahead.
**[02:44] Iyami**
We'll head there immediately.
**[02:48] Chibi**
We'll be able to obtain *that* again!
**[03:02] Old**
P-Please take this and...
**[03:04] Goon**
We don't want that!
**[03:06] Old**
W-We have water right here...
**[03:08] Goon**
That's not it!
**[03:09] Mom**
Please wait! Spare my child!
**[03:12] Goon**
A little girl, eh?
**[03:14] Goon**
But no one has any interest
in those these days.
**[03:17] Iya**
You people can't fool us!
**[03:20] Iya**
Hurry up and bring it out!
**[03:22] Chi**
Bring it out, you idjits!
**[03:24] Nar**
* In this age where humanity*
* has lost all moisture,*
**[03:28] Nar**
*there was one thing everyone would kill for.*
**[03:30] Nar**
*And that was...*
**[03:31] Goon**
Iyami-sama!
**[03:34] Goon**
We found it!
***SIGN*** Shi Shi
**[03:37] Vill**
P-Please wait!
**[03:38] Vill**
That's our last...
**[03:40] Nar**
*Yes, it was...*
**[03:43] Nar**
*Lubricant!*
**[03:48] Iya**
I can feel the moisture.
**[03:50] Boy**
Damn it! That's the last of our lubricant!
**[03:53] Boy**
Give it back!
**[03:54] Chi**
The hell?!
**[03:55] Chi**
We're the only ones allowed to feel all slippery!
**[03:58] Chi**
All of you can dry up completely for all we care!
**[04:02] Iyami**
Apply the lubricant!
**[04:04] Chibi**
Lubricant! Lubricant!
**[04:07] Iya**
Lubricant! Lubricant! Lubricant! Lubricant!
**[04:14] Six**
Hold it!
**[04:21] Oso**
In this world without moisture...
**[04:23] Kra**
The dried-up hearts of the people...
**[04:25] Choro**
...long for just one thing:
**[04:28] Ichi**
Tears of joy.
**[04:30] Jyu**
Who said that?
**[04:32] Todo**
The Matsu-of-the-Century messiahs.
**[04:35] Oso**
We'll make the world wet
with our lubricant of love!
**[04:38] Oso**
We're...
**[04:39] Six**
...F6!
**[04:48] Iya**
Sheeeh!
**[04:50] Iya**
What are these creatures that
are overflowing with moisture?
**[04:53] Iya**
It's like the UV doesn't affect them at all!
**[04:55] Chibi**
They're just like peeled boiled eggs,
you idjits, damn it!
**[04:58] Iya**
Get 'em, boys!
**[05:11] Goon**
So weak!
**[05:12] Goon**
What the hell? Was that entrance
just for show? Are you stupid?
**[05:17] Todo**
Ouch...
**[05:19] Goon**
Huh?
**[05:20] Todo**
But...
**[05:22] Todo**
I know the fist you punched
me with hurts even more.
**[05:30] Goon**
Die!
**[05:35] Jyu**
Are you that impatient, my little kitten?
**[05:43] Goon**
My chest felt all tight,
and then I got all wet.
**[05:47] Chibi**
Y-You idjit! What are you admiring 'em for?
**[05:50] Chibi**
Take care of 'em already!
**[05:52] Goons**
Yes, sir!
**[05:54] Chibi**
That's not what I meant, you idjits!
**[05:56] Iya**
F-Fall back!
**[06:04] Kara**
I see... How tragic.
Everyone wants to feel slippery.
**[06:09] Ichi**
Keeping the gooey feeling to
themselves is unforgivable.
**[06:12] Choro**
Can't we get that soaking-wet
feeling back somehow?
**[06:16] Oso**
All right. Let's make everyone dripping wet.
**[06:24] Boy**
Wait!
**[06:26] Boy**
I'll go, too!
**[06:29] Oso**
I know. You're worried about your mom, right?
**[06:37] Oso**
Don't worry. We'll protect your
mom's life, no matter what.
**[06:43] Boy**
Really?
**[06:44] Oso**
Yup. So just wait here.
**[06:51] Boy**
Mom!
**[06:54] Boy**
Sh-She's dead!
**[07:06] Goon**
Dekapan-sama!
**[07:08] Goon**
Dekapan-sama!
**[07:09] Goon**
We've obtained new lubricant!
**[07:13] Deka**
Add it to the spring.
**[07:15] Deka**
There's nothing better than
when it's freely flowing.
**[07:21] Iya**
What shall we do with the troublemakers?
**[07:24] Deka**
Isn't that obvious? I won't let them get
away with not giving us the lubricant.
**[07:28] Goon**
Dekapan-sama!
**[07:29] Goon**
There are suspicious guys outside!
**[07:35] Deka**
That must be them.
**[07:37] Iya**
They use a strange... No, a beautiful technique.
**[07:42] Deka**
No need to worry.
**[07:44] Deka**
We're the evil, stingy,
treacherous, and ugly Oily Boys.
**[07:49] Deka**
Let's show them the power of being
evil, stingy, treacherous, and ugly!
**[08:00] Kara**
Hey.
**[08:01] Kara**
Is this really what you guys want to do?
**[08:06] Kara**
When there are such infinite possibilities...
**[08:18] Ichi**
Fine. Do what you want with me.
**[08:23] Ichi**
You can do whatever you want to me.
**[08:24] Goon**
I'm sorry! I don't have the courage to do that!
**[08:31] Choro**
Come on, stab me.
**[08:33] Choro**
Stab me. Hurt my face.
**[08:37] Goon**
I... I can't...
**[08:41] Choro**
Good boy.
**[08:47] Deka**
Wh-What in the world is going on?
**[08:50] Oso**
It's simple.
**[08:53] Oso**
You are already in love. Right?
**[09:01] Iya**
Sheeeh! I see right through you all!
**[09:05] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[09:08] Iya**
Take that, and that, and that...
**[09:10] Oso**
Hey, that's not me...
**[09:19] Iya**
Sheeeh! We finally did it!
**[09:21] Iya**
We have F6 cornered!
**[09:23] Chibi**
Serves you right, you idjits!
We low-lifes win in the end, damn it!
**[09:28] Iya**
Let's hurry up and finish them.
**[09:30] Chibi**
Got it!
**[09:52] Deka**
Wait.
**[09:54] Deka**
Before you kill them, just once,
**[09:59] Deka**
I want to pour this on them.
**[10:02] Chibi**
Actually... I was just thinking the same thing.
**[10:07] Iyam**
To be honest... Me, too.
**[10:10] Deka**
Just a little bit. Just a tiny little bit.
**[10:39] Deka**
I... I was wrong.
**[10:42] Chibi**
Lubricant is meant...
**[10:43] Iya**
...to be used like this!
**[10:57] Jyu**
Yahoo!
**[11:00] Jyu**
Yahoo!
**[11:00] Deka**
Keep it flowing.
**[11:02] Iya**
Hurry it up!
**[11:03] Jyu**
Yahoo!
**[11:06] Choro**
Hey, Jyushimatsu! I can't read my book!
**[11:09] Todo**
Hey.
**[11:12] Choro**
Now you've done it, Todomatsu!
**[11:19] Ichi**
Good grief.
**[11:20] Oso**
Ichimatsu, could you give me a massage?
**[11:22] Ichi**
Sure.
**[11:29] Girl**
H-Hey, is he...
**[11:33] Kara**
Not to worry. I'm wearing some.
**[11:38] Iya**
F6-sama! Some very optimistic slaves
have brought you new lubricant!
**[11:44] Todo**
What? Again?
**[11:46] Todo**
You guys are silly.
**[11:47] Todo**
We worked hard to get it back for you,
and this makes that pointless.
**[11:51] Todo**
Why don't you guys use it?
**[11:53] Girls**
Filth like us have no need for it!
**[11:56] Todo**
What? Are you guys really happy with that?
**[11:59] All**
Very happy!
**[12:00] Todo**
Is it tasty?
**[12:01] All**
Super tasty!
**[12:03] Oso**
Just accept your fate already.
**[12:06] Odo**
Huh?
**[12:06] Kra**
Even if people completely dry up...
**[12:09] Choro**
Even if people die...
**[12:11] Ichi**
We'll just keep responding
to everyone's expectations.
**[12:14] Jyu**
We're everyone's lubricant... No,
**[12:17] Jyu**
the clothed and walking lubricant
of love in everyone's hearts.
**[12:19] Todo**
I see! So that's us...
**[12:21] Oso**
Yes, that's F6.
**[12:43] Iya**
Sheeeh! Our skin is as flaky as ever, but...
**[12:46] Deka**
Just watching them...
**[12:48] Chibi**
...is making our hearts all slippery and
soaking wet. You idjits, damn it!
**[12:53] Nar**
*And so the world was save... Save...*
**[12:58] Nar**
*Saved? Was it actually saved?*
**[13:02] Choro**
Huh? It was, wasn't it?
**[13:05] Nar**
*Huh?! Er, yes.*
**[13:06] Nar**
*It was saved. Thank you very much!*
***SIGN*** "The Ichimatsu Incident"
**[14:02] Oso**
Man, am I bored.
**[14:03] Ichi**
* Crap! There was a crack*
* in my state of high alert!*
**[14:06] Ichi**
* Why are you back so early?!*
* You were at pachinko...*
**[14:09] Oso**
A thousand yen goes so quickly.
**[14:11] Ichi**
*Don't go with so little money!*
**[14:14] Ichi**
* I'm finished. I won't even be able to*
* go on living after being seen like this.*
**[14:18] Oso**
What's the matter, Karamatsu?
**[14:21] Ichi**
* K-Karamatsu? I see...*
* It's because I'm dressed like this.*
**[14:25] Oso**
Hey.
**[14:29] Ichi**
What's wrong, Osomatsu?
Did you need something,
**[14:34] Ichi**
my brother?
**[14:44] Oso**
No, not really.
**[14:48] Ichi**
*All right! I fooled him!*
**[14:50] Ichi**
*He thinks I'm Karamatsu!*
**[14:51] Ichi**
* If anyone thought that normally,*
* it'd be hell, but for now, I'm saved!*
**[14:55] Oso**
But what's wrong with your voice?
It's different from usual.
**[14:58] Ichi**
Huh? Uh...
**[14:59] Oso**
Do you have a cold?
**[15:00] Ichi**
Huh?
**[15:01] Ichi**
Y-Yeah, that's right. A cold.
**[15:04] Ichi**
My throat's so sore, my voice is...
**[15:07] Oso**
Your hair's pretty messy, too.
**[15:09] Ichi**
Huh? Oh, the cold's messed up my hair, too...
**[15:12] Oso**
Also, I feel a dark aura,
**[15:14] Oso**
an "I don't have any friends" aura,
and a twisted, shitty aura from you.
**[15:19] Ichi**
That's from the cold, as well.
**[15:25] Oso**
Are you really Karamatsu?
**[15:26] Ichi**
Huh?!
**[15:27] Oso**
You seem strange somehow.
**[15:32] Ichi**
I seem strange?
**[15:36] Ichi**
I have no plans.
**[15:38] Oso**
That's not how you usually do that, is it?
**[15:40] Ichi**
It's because of this cold...
**[15:41] Oso**
What?
**[15:43] Ichi**
* Damn it! I don't know how*
* to do a proper Karamatsu!*
**[15:45] Ichi**
* Actually, what the hell is a*
* "proper Karamatsu," anyway?!*
**[15:48] Oso**
You just seem different somehow.
**[15:50] Ichi**
Wh-Wh-What are you saying, my brother?
**[15:53] Ichi**
I'm Karamatsu. Oh, a mirror.
**[15:55] Ichi**
Thank you for always making me look cool.
**[15:57] Ichi**
Are you a comic? Yes, good job.
**[16:00] Ichi**
Oh, my beautiful electrical
outlets. I love outlets.
**[16:04] Ichi**
See? I'm my usual self.
**[16:08] Ichi**
* He's not even looking!*
* And those are my potato chips!*
**[16:11] Oso**
Hey, who's that?
**[16:12] Ichi**
Huh?! Um, uh, um...
**[16:15] Oso**
Oh, it's Ichimatsu.
**[16:16] Ichi**
Th-That's right! It's Ichimatsu!
**[16:18] Oso**
Hey, Ichima—
**[16:19] Ichi**
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
**[16:20] Ichi**
You shouldn't wake him up!
**[16:21] Oso**
Why?
**[16:22] Ichi**
He's your brother, who shares your
blood, and he's sleeping soundly.
**[16:26] Ichi**
Only a villain would try to
wake someone in that state.
**[16:28] Oso**
Is it really that bad?!
**[16:30] Ichi**
Shh!
**[16:31] Ichi**
If you wake him, I'll kill you.
**[16:34] Oso**
Wh-What kind of bodyguard
are you? Fine, I get it...
**[16:39] Ichi**
*Not good. What should I do?*
**[16:40] Ichi**
*I want to run away, but I can't leave him here.*
**[16:44] Oso**
Karamatsu, want some?
***SIGN*** Dried Sardines
**[16:46] Ichi**
*Th-That's...*
**[16:48] Oso**
Ichimatsu always hides these
here to feed to the cats.
**[16:53] Oso**
They're so good.
**[16:59] Oso**
Wh-What?!
**[17:01] Ichi**
Oh, the cold made my hand move on its own...
**[17:03] Oso**
No, that had nothing to do with your cold!
***SIGN*** Dried Sardines
***SIGN*** Economy Size
**[17:06] Oso**
What the hell? You're not making
any sense today, Karamatsu.
**[17:11] Oso**
Mmm, these are good.
**[17:13] Ichi**
*I want to kill him.*
**[17:14] Oso**
Here, have some.
**[17:16] Ichi**
*Those aren't yours!*
**[17:17] Ichi**
* But if I don't eat these now,*
* he'll be suspicious again.*
**[17:22] Oso**
See? Aren't they good?
**[17:24] Ichi**
Yeah, they're delicious.
**[17:26] Oso**
Right? Ichimatsu's so stupid,
giving these to the cats.
**[17:33] Ichi**
*I'll kill you!*
**[17:42] Ichi**
*No!*
**[17:43] Ichi**
*It's not like that! Don't leave!*
**[17:47] Oso**
What's wrong? You want some more?
**[17:54] Oso**
Wh-What?!
**[17:56] Ichi**
Oh, this cold...
**[17:58] Oso**
Would you stop that?!
**[18:00] Ichi**
*What the hell am I doing?*
**[18:02] Ichi**
* I ate my best friend's favorite*
* food to protect myself!*
**[18:05] Oso**
Oh, yeah... Karamatsu.
**[18:08] Oso**
I have a favor to ask you.
**[18:11] Oso**
Could I borrow your sunglasses
and leather jacket just once?
**[18:14] Ichi**
Huh?
**[18:15] Oso**
Well, I know I always teased you about them,
but I've always wanted to try them on once.
**[18:24] Ichi**
* If only I could be honest and*
* just say it, like this idiot!*
**[18:26] Ichi**
* Then I wouldn't have lost*
* my best friend's trust!*
**[18:30] Oso**
Karamatsu? You're sweating
a lot... Are you okay?
**[18:35] Ichi**
*Just be honest already, Ichimatsu.*
**[18:37] Ichi**
*Tell him you also just wanted to try it once...*
**[18:41] Oso**
Hey, what's wrong?
**[18:43] Ichi**
A-Actually...
**[18:47] Ichi**
I told you it was a cold.
I might have a fever.
**[18:51] Oso**
Ah, I see.
**[18:53] Ichi**
*I can't say it! There's no way!*
**[18:55] Ichi**
* If I could say it honestly now,*
* I could've done it ages ago!*
**[18:58] Ichi**
*I could have made friends, too!*
**[19:00] Oso**
Well, you'll catch a chill.
You should take that off.
**[19:02] Ichi**
Huh? No, I'm fine.
**[19:04] Oso**
No, you're not.
**[19:05] Ichi**
I'm fine!
**[19:06] Oso**
You're sweating.
**[19:07] Ichi**
It's fine.
**[19:08] Oso**
You're going to get chilled.
**[19:09] Ichi**
No!
**[19:09] Oso**
Why?
**[19:10] Ichi**
It's embarrassing!
**[19:11] Oso**
Why is it embarrassing?!
**[19:14] Ichi**
Because...
**[19:16] Ichi**
Because I like you!
**[19:19] Oso**
Huh?
**[19:20] Ichi**
I've recently awakened to these feelings,
so if I have to strip in front of you...
**[19:25] Oso**
Uh, you're kidding, right?
**[19:26] Ichi**
I'm not kidding, silly.
**[19:29] Ichi**
* I'm at my wit's end.*
* Why did I lie like that?*
**[19:32] Ichi**
* The only way out of this is to*
* hurry and get him out of here.*
**[19:36] Ichi**
Um, Osomatsu...
**[19:38] Oso**
Huh?
**[19:39] Ichi**
Will you go to the races with this money?
**[19:41] Oso**
Huh?
**[19:42] Ichi**
I'll just lose if I go. So go for m—
**[19:45] Oso**
Seriously?!
**[19:45] Oso**
I can?
**[19:46] Oso**
All right! Talk about lucky!
**[19:48] Ichi**
* If a thousand yen is all*
* it takes, that's nothing.*
**[19:50] Ichi**
* I just need to tell him later that*
* what I said earlier was a joke.*
**[19:54] Ichi**
*You're kidding... I-It can't be...*
**[20:03] Kara**
What?!
**[20:07] Ichi**
*What?!*
**[20:08] Kara**
*What?!*
**[20:09] Ichi**
*What?!*
**[20:11] Both**
*What?!*
**[20:14] Ichii**
*I-I'm finished...*
**[20:16] Kara**
*Wh-What in the world is going on?*
**[20:19] Kara**
*Why is Ichimatsu wearing my perfect fashion?*
**[20:22] Kara**
*C-Could it be...*
**[20:24] Oso**
Karamatsu? Hey!
**[20:27] Oso**
He went white as a sheet
all of a sudden. Oh, well.
**[20:31] Oso**
Oh, you're awake, Ichimatsu.
**[20:37] Kara**
Yeah. I slept well.
**[20:39] Ichi**
*Karamatsu!*
**[20:41] Ichi**
*Karamatsu, Karamatsu, Karamatsu!*
**[20:43] Ichi**
* What the hell?! He's gonna try*
* to act like me to remedy this?*
**[20:45] Ichi**
*Is he a god?! Is he actually a god?!*
**[20:47] Ichi**
*Actually, just die!*
**[20:49] Kara**
I'm awake, meow. I'm still sleepy, meow.
**[20:52] Ichi**
*But he sucks at being me!*
**[20:54] Oso**
What's with that character?
**[20:55] Kara**
Uh, I just thought I'd go with this from now on.
**[20:58] Oso**
I see.
**[20:59] Ichi**
* Don't say something like that!*
* I don't want to go on acting like that!*
**[21:03] Oso**
Hey, wanna go to the horse races?
**[21:06] Kara**
Uh, nah... N-Not today.
**[21:10] Oso**
Aww...
**[21:11] Kara**
I actually have something serious
to discuss with Ichi— I mean,
**[21:13] Kara**
Karamatsu, so could you leave, meow?
**[21:16] Oso**
Huh? What the hell?
**[21:18] Ichi**
* Is he trying to save me by*
* sending Osomatsu-niisan away?!*
**[21:21] Ichi**
* Seriously, what's up with his*
* kindness?! Actually, just die!*
**[21:25] Ichi**
*I'm now a Karamatsu boy!*
**[21:28] Oso**
You guys are super creepy today.
**[21:31] Oso**
See ya.
**[21:35] Kara**
Hey! What are you doing, Ichimatsu?
**[21:37] Kara**
You scared me!
**[21:37] Ichi**
If you tell anyone about this, I'll kill you.
Take this to your grave!
**[21:42] Kara**
You're acting tough in this situation?! Really?!
**[21:44] Iichi**
Just hurry up and change, you dumbass!
**[21:45] Kara**
You're acting tough?!
**[21:47] Kara**
Ouch!
**[21:49] Oso**
I forgot somethi—
**[21:54] Oso**
Sorry, my bad.
**[21:55] Kara**
Wh-Wh-Whoa! It's not what it looks like!
**[21:56] Oso**
Sorry.
**[21:57] Kara**
It's not like that!
**[21:58] Oso**
I won't tell anyone.
**[21:58] Kara**
I'm telling you, it's not like that!
**[21:59] Ichi**
Stop, Karamatsu-niisan!
**[22:02] Kara**
Hey, you little...!
**[22:04] Kra**
Seriously, it's not like that!
***SIGN*** Next Time on Osomatsu-san
**[23:38] Jyu**
Jyushimatsu Fes— Bleaurgh!
**[23:41] Jyu**
Matsu... Bleaurgh! Festiv— Bleaurgh!
**[23:44] Jyu**
Matsu! Matsu! Fest—
Bleaurgh! Bleaurgh! Bleaurgh!
**[23:46] Jyu**
Jyushimatsu Festi— Bleaurgh!
***SIGN*** "Jyushimatsu Festival"
**[23:48] ---**
Bleaurgh!