E4 - The Man’s Name Is Handa

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:04] ---
    Thanks, John.
[00:07] ---
    Um, I'm here for a consultation...
[00:11] ---
    All right, please come in.
[00:13] ---
    Excuse me...
[00:18] ---
    What?! What are you?!
    What kind of organism are you?!
[00:20] ---
    Are you a new kind of bioterrorism?!
[00:23] ---
    What's the matter, Ronaldo...?
    It's so loud...
[00:28] ---
    I understand why seeing
    that would make you die.
[00:30] ---
    Oh, a compatriot! The rumors
    were true, after all!
[00:35] ---
    "Compatriot"?! Does that
    mean that you're a...?
[00:37] ---
    Yes. As you can see, I'm a vampire.
[00:40] ---
    It's not what I see, though!
[02:14] ---
    "I Have Desire,
    Therefore I Metamorphose"
[02:20] ---
    Apologies for the late introduction.
    I am the vampire Aud von Kreatur.
[02:26] ---
    lt's quite long, so feel free
    to call me "Odd Creature."
[02:27] ---
    "Vampire - Odd Creature"
    It's quite long, so feel free
    to call me "Odd Creature."
[02:29] ---
    "Vampire - Odd Creature"
    You're okay with that?!
[02:32] ---
    Well? Why is a vampire here?
[02:35] ---
    I thought a hunter familiar with vampires
    could help me with my problem...
[02:42] ---
    On top of that, you're an understanding
    hunter who's teamed up with a vampire.
[02:47] ---
    I had no choice but to take advantage
    of such a strange idiot!
[02:50] ---
    Can I punch him?
[02:52] ---
    A-Anyway, what did you need?
[02:55] ---
    Oh, dear. Do you think there's
    anything other than how I look?
[03:00] ---
    Hey, can I punch him?!
[03:03] ---
    Actually, I'm a vampire who can
    turn into anything I want.
[03:09] ---
    The only trouble is that I'm
    not good at controlling it.
[03:14] ---
    I don't expect much from you, but if you
    could just improve on this a little...
[03:19] ---
    Even his explanation annoys me
    to the bottom of my heart.
[03:23] ---
    Is it really possible to have so little
    control over your own power?
[03:26] ---
    It's not that unusual.
[03:29] ---
    Transformation is one of the most complex
    of a vampire's supernatural powers.
[03:35] ---
    It's possible to make a mistake
    and turn into something strange,
[03:37] ---
    or be unable to change back.
[03:39] ---
    Now, kill me.
[03:40] ---
    Then don't do it, idiot!
[03:42] ---
    I understand the situation now,
[03:44] ---
    but whether I'll help or not
    is a different matter.
[03:46] ---
    If there's a possibility that you'll use
    that power for evil, then I'll hunt you--
[03:51] ---
    Huh?!
[03:53] ---
    Pants me?! Is that something girls do?
[03:57] ---
    What?! Why did you suddenly
    transform into something gross?!
[04:00] ---
    Excuse me, my power
    is going out of control...
[04:02] ---
    What do you mean, out of control?!
    You suddenly got grotesque and big!
[04:05] ---
    What? Did you say my size is amazing?
[04:08] ---
    What the hell are you talking about?!
[04:12] ---
    Please excuse me.
[04:14] ---
    When my power goes out of control,
    I transform into something crazy-looking.
[04:18] ---
    But in spite of myself,
[04:20] ---
    when I think of something perverted,
    my power goes out of control.
[04:23] ---
    Are you an idiot?
[04:24] ---
    On my way here today, I saw the Kanagawa
    Prefecture logo and turned into this.
[04:29] ---
    Are you a teenage boy?!
[04:31] ---
    You piss me off, but it could be dangerous
    if we don't get your powers under control.
[04:34] ---
    I need to make my perverted
    thoughts go limp, huh?
[04:37] ---
    Don't say it like that!
    But what could do the trick?
[04:41] ---
    A naked pic of Lord Dral or something?
[04:43] ---
    How rude!
[04:44] ---
    Oh, it makes me limp
    just thinking about it. Please!
[04:48] ---
    Ugh, I don't wanna see it!
[04:50] ---
    Th-That makes me angry!
[04:52] ---
    Look, I've taken off my shirt for you!
    Are you satisfied, disgusting being?
[04:56] ---
    You didn't really change much!
[04:58] ---
    Well, it does make me limp,
[05:01] ---
    but when you hit me over the head with it
    like that, it's not surprising enough...
[05:04] ---
    Like, you're as scrawny as expected...
[05:07] ---
    Let go of me, Ronaldo.
    I'm going to slap him.
[05:10] ---
    It's not worth it.
    The reaction will just kill you.
[05:15] ---
    Instead of making you limp,
    what if we distract you instead?
[05:20] ---
    Like if we calm you down
    with a cute animal.
[05:22] ---
    Look, it's the armadillo
    house spirit, John!
[05:25] ---
    Oh, that is cute.
[05:28] ---
    I do feel like my spirit
    is being cleansed...
[05:32] ---
    Why do you have John's head?!
[05:34] ---
    When I thought about how the roundness
    reminded me of boobs, it just happened...
[05:38] ---
    Your spirit's super dirty!
[05:42] ---
    Oh, no, John's really shocked!
[05:44] ---
    Can you blame him? He was told
    by his own face that he's like boobs.
[05:48] ---
    Boobs by your own face?
    What kind of "play" is that?!
[05:53] ---
    Shut up!
[05:54] ---
    Stop messing around!
    Do you even want to control this?!
[05:56] ---
    If you stay like that, it won't be long
    before either we hunt you down
[05:59] ---
    or Vamp Control ties you up and kills you!
[06:01] ---
    The women's uniform for the Vampire
    Control Division is sexy, isn't it?
[06:06] ---
    Just go and get caught, idiot!
[06:07] ---
    Wait, Ronaldo. I've got it.
[06:10] ---
    It looks like anything trivial
    will cause you to go crazy.
[06:15] ---
    Even though you're a pervert, there's no
    concrete evidence of personal experience!
[06:18] ---
    In other words, you're...
[06:20] ---
    ...a late bloomer with zero experience
    who's living in his delusions!
[06:25] ---
    To make a guy like that go limp
    and get back in control of himself
[06:28] ---
    is like trying to get a middle
    school boy to achieve nirvana.
[06:31] ---
    It's impossible!
[06:32] ---
    Instead, you should be building up
    experience and tolerance
[06:35] ---
    to sexual things, fool!
[06:37] ---
    Instead of making him abstain, get
    him used to it. A reversal in thinking!
[06:42] ---
    Hey, take this! Shock therapy!
[06:46] ---
    So this is your collection, Ronaldo?
[06:48] ---
    Shut up!
[06:50] ---
    Take this, too!
[06:56] ---
    Throwing it all at him suddenly
    isn't building tolerance,
[06:58] ---
    it's having the opposite effect?!
[06:59] ---
    No, look! He's taking in information
    at an amazing speed!
[07:03] ---
    He's getting used to the stimulus
[07:05] ---
    and trying to control his lust--
    and his transformation!
[07:14] ---
    Oh, what is this feeling?
[07:18] ---
    This peaceful feeling of satisfaction...
[07:28] ---
    Is this his true form?
[07:31] ---
    Hunter Ronaldo! There was a report that
    a gross creature invaded your office!
[07:39] ---
    And here's the cliché-- Sand!
[07:42] ---
    In other words, you guys are... s-s-s...
[07:47] ---
    Squid?
[07:48] ---
    Salacious!
[07:54] ---
    "Kitchen Liberal Force"
[08:02] ---
    Hmm, was there not enough?
    Shall I make another dish?
[08:06] ---
    It pisses me off that
    you're good at cooking.
[08:09] ---
    In order to drink the blood
    of a living human,
[08:12] ---
    it was best for vampires to
    invite them to their castles.
[08:15] ---
    The most important thing when
    welcoming a guest is delicious food!
[08:20] ---
    That's why vampires have always
    been really good at cooking.
[08:29] ---
    "Kaso Organic Farm"
[08:31] ---
    What is it?
[08:32] ---
    It was sent through refrigerated
    shipping... From Autumn Books.
[08:34] ---
    They're sharing some
    vegetables they got with us.
[08:36] ---
    Oh, that's nice.
[08:38] ---
    Then, I'll use them right away.
[08:43] ---
    Sand...
[08:45] ---
    "[Vampiric Vegetables]"
    "Old vegetables sometimes turn
    into vampires. These vegetables
    can infect other vegetables. "
[08:50] ---
    They've all turned into vampires!
    What the hell?
[08:53] ---
    Unfortunately, they should
    all be thrown away.
[08:55] ---
    Idiot! Once they've turned into vampires,
    you can't throw them away in the trash!
[08:58] ---
    We have to get the VRC to take them.
[09:01] ---
    Then hurry up and call them.
[09:04] ---
    Well, but if I do that...
[09:07] ---
    I can't believe you let them turn into
    vampires even though you're a hunter.
[09:10] ---
    Fool.
[09:12] ---
    That's what'll happen!
[09:13] ---
    You're really cowardly
    about stuff like that, huh?
[09:17] ---
    What should I do...?
[09:18] ---
    All right, why don't we try
    eating them, Ronaldo?
[09:20] ---
    We're not eating them!
[09:22] ---
    Why not? If you digest them,
    then the hunt is over, right?
[09:26] ---
    Won't you be sorry if you waste the food
    Autumn Books is sharing with us?
[09:30] ---
    Don't sound like you're having so much
    fun when you say that, damn bastard!
[09:36] ---
    Let's see. Cut the burdock root
    into long, thin slivers...
[09:38] ---
    It's grotesque how you're preparing that!
[09:46] ---
    Blanch the mustard spinach,
    and then use that water to boil the udon.
[09:51] ---
    Draluc's quick dish, Udon with
    Lots of Veggies, is done!
[09:56] ---
    Man, this looks more like
    real food than I expected.
[10:00] ---
    Now, it's tasting time!
[10:02] ---
    If this tastes bad, I'm gonna kill you.
[10:07] ---
    --You're dead meat.
[10:07] ---
    --Ronaldo!
    --You're dead meat.
[10:09] ---
    The seasoning should have been fine...
[10:14] ---
    John!
[10:16] ---
    It doesn't matter what seasonings you use
[10:18] ---
    if the vegetables themselves are
    bitter, sour, stinky, and gross!
[10:20] ---
    Were they that bad...?
[10:22] ---
    All right, next I'll neutralize the smell
    and try something with stronger flavors!
[10:26] ---
    Don't make anything else!
[10:31] ---
    Huh?! They're multiplying!
[10:33] ---
    It looks like when I opened the fridge,
    they infected the other vegetables.
[10:37] ---
    You idiot!
[10:39] ---
    Oh, no! The kitchen's been taken over!
[10:42] ---
    Damn it! Retreat for now! Retreat!
[10:46] ---
    You're a hunter, aren't you?
    Shoot them with your gun!
[10:49] ---
    Are you stupid?
    That'll mess up the floor and stuff!
[10:52] ---
    I have some vampiricide for inferior
    vampires in the back closet,
[10:56] ---
    "Vampiricide Diefast"
    so I'll weaken them with
    that before I hunt them.
[10:58] ---
    Huh? Won't that work on me, too?
[11:01] ---
    All right, we're rushing in!
[11:05] ---
    Damn it! If I knew it'd turn out like
    this, I would've just called VRC...
[11:09] ---
    No...! The tomato's laying
    eggs in my coffin!
[11:12] ---
    Sand!
[11:14] ---
    Ronaldo, exterminate it for me!
[11:15] ---
    Shut up! If you're a vampire,
    you should like tomatoes! Just eat them!
[11:18] ---
    I'd just be a psycho if I ate that!
[11:21] ---
    Don't lose to some vegetables!
    You said you were a superior vampire!
[11:25] ---
    Hurry up and get to the closet--
[11:29] ---
    Huh? That's just some celery.
[11:31] ---
    Shut up!
[11:32] ---
    That's strong poison! Industrial waste!
    Just the smell makes me feel nauseated!
[11:34] ---
    I don't even want to look at it!
    I'll die if it comes near me!
[11:37] ---
    Celery, go home! Go to hell!
[11:40] ---
    Hm? Calm down.
[11:42] ---
    Oh, it's the celery's show of force.
[11:45] ---
    I-I-I can't get to the closet!
    It's been blocked!
[11:48] ---
    We need to think of another way!
[11:50] ---
    Hey, are you even dumber
    than I thought you were?
[11:54] ---
    Just retreat! We'll rework the plan.
[11:57] ---
    If the enemy is celery, then we might
    need to consider a nuclear missile!
[12:00] ---
    He said we're retreating. Come on, John.
[12:03] ---
    John!
[12:05] ---
    Crap! Get it off!
    He's being turned into a vampire!
[12:07] ---
    John, are you all right?!
    Hang in there!
[12:12] ---
    John...
[12:13] ---
    What's with these roots?
[12:16] ---
    It's connected to the
    other vegetables, too.
[12:19] ---
    Whoa! John's blood gave the
    vegetables a boost! This is bad.
[12:24] ---
    Damn it, if it's come to this,
    then it's all or nothing!
[12:29] ---
    "Soy Sauce" "Canola Oil"
[12:31] ---
    Come on! Take that, veggie bastards!
[12:34] ---
    What did you throw?
[12:35] ---
    Vegetables I'd stocked up on.
[12:36] ---
    What?! If you add more vegetables to this,
[12:39] ---
    then they'll just all turn
    into vampires, right?
[12:44] ---
    Yeah. These'll turn into vampires fast.
[12:49] ---
    No matter what kind of
    vegetables they are!
[12:53] ---
    Just as I thought! The vampiric garlic is
    a natural enemy of the other vegetables!
[12:58] ---
    They're destroying the others
    in front of our eyes!
[13:00] ---
    That's what you get!
[13:02] ---
    A clean sweep of the room!
    Good job, vampiric garlic!
[13:06] ---
    So, what will you do with
    that vampiric garlic?
[13:16] ---
    It's astonishing that a hunter could
    turn even garlic into vampires.
[13:20] ---
    You great big giant fool.
[13:29] ---
    "The Man's Name Is Handa"
[13:33] ---
    "Vampire Control Division"
[13:35] ---
    The girl from Vamp Control is
    coming to see you again today.
[13:38] ---
    What? That Hinaichi?
[13:41] ---
    Sorry, Ronaldo. I may need
    you to leave us alone.
[13:45] ---
    She's coming to observe you, idiot.
[13:47] ---
    You're so slow.
    That's just the official reason.
[13:54] ---
    That was fast.
[13:55] ---
    Listen! If you do anything
    weird this time, I'll kill you.
[13:58] ---
    No... you're the one
    who will die... Ronaldo.
[14:05] ---
    You've got a dumb look on
    your face as usual, Ronaldo.
[14:08] ---
    Now that I'm here,
[14:09] ---
    "Kanagawa Prefectural Police
    Vampire Control Division"
    "Tou Handa"
    you won't be able to be so carefree anymore.
[14:13] ---
    Handa?! What're you doing here?
[14:15] ---
    Ronaldo, who is this man?
[14:17] ---
    Oh, he's an old acquaintance.
    He's a dhampir.
[14:21] ---
    "[Dhampirs]" "Half vampire,
    half human. They can detect vampires."
    He uses his ability as a
    member of Vamp Control.
[14:24] ---
    He's an annoying guy who likes
    to rush at me at the drop of a hat.
[14:28] ---
    I thought Hinaichi was supposed to com--
[14:30] ---
    Vice-Captain Hinaichi is busy.
    I'm here in her place.
[14:33] ---
    What, are you disappointed
    that I'm not a cute girl?!
[14:37] ---
    You sleazebag controlled by
    the lower half of your body!
[14:39] ---
    If the law allowed me to, I'd chop it off!
[14:41] ---
    You're too close! I didn't say anything!
[14:45] ---
    Anyway, you get a narrow escape.
    Today, I'm here to see that vampire.
[14:51] ---
    I'll interrogate you carefully to make
    sure you aren't dangerous.
[14:54] ---
    Prepare yourself!
[14:55] ---
    Hey, save me, Ronaldo!
[14:58] ---
    Stop, Handa!
[14:59] ---
    I haven't cleaned over there yet.
    Give me a minute!
[15:02] ---
    Worry about me!
[15:07] ---
    All right, time for the interrogation.
    Out of my way, Ronaldo. Get out of here.
[15:12] ---
    You might put ideas in his head.
[15:14] ---
    Listen up, vampire.
    Just you try lying or keeping secrets!
[15:18] ---
    I'll kill you! Got it?
[15:20] ---
    This is oppression by
    a government authority!
[15:22] ---
    Listen, damn idiot.
[15:24] ---
    If you say anything that'll make trouble
    for me, I'll kill you! Remember that!
[15:28] ---
    I'll die no matter what I do!
[15:34] ---
    Well? What do you want me to
    talk about? Just so you know--
[15:38] ---
    What are you doing?
[15:41] ---
    Idiot! Does this look like anything other
    than searching the house to you?
[15:44] ---
    I meant, why are you doing that?
    I thought you wanted to ask me questions.
[15:48] ---
    I don't care about you!
[15:50] ---
    Then what did you come here for?!
[15:52] ---
    I came under the pretense of observing
    you to find Ronaldo's weakness!
[15:56] ---
    Being honest is a virtue, but...
    What has Ronaldo ever done to you?
[16:01] ---
    There are tons of reasons
    why I should kill him.
[16:05] ---
    But above all, it's to get
    revenge for my mother!
[16:12] ---
    Even though my mother
    was a noble vampire...
[16:18] ---
    ...she became completely obsessed
    with The War Chronicles of Ronaldo
[16:20] ---
    and is a huge fan of his now!
[16:21] ---
    Oh, that sucks.
[16:23] ---
    That guy and I were
    classmates in high school!
[16:26] ---
    Can you imagine?
[16:28] ---
    Your own mother talking excitedly
    about your classmate in a shrill voice?!
[16:32] ---
    It's only natural that I'd want
    to beat him to death!
[16:35] ---
    Sand...!
[16:38] ---
    Please stop taking it out on me!
[16:40] ---
    I'll expose his shame to the world
    and erase him from society!
[16:44] ---
    I'll bring my mom to her senses!
[16:46] ---
    Too close! Too close!
[16:48] ---
    If you get it, then tell me everything!
    Tell me all the secrets you know!
[16:53] ---
    You've got to be kidding me.
[16:54] ---
    If Ronaldo is destroyed,
    then I won't have a place to live.
[16:58] ---
    I have a limited edition of the
    new Age of Vampires game.
[17:03] ---
    You who are descended from my compatriot,
    I will give you what you desire.
[17:08] ---
    That guy's weaknesses,
    secrets, anything! Tell me!
[17:12] ---
    Let's see, Ronaldo doesn't like celery.
    And he likes big boobs.
[17:18] ---
    Stop messing around!
    That's common sense!
[17:21] ---
    Common sense?!
[17:22] ---
    Idiot.
[17:23] ---
    First, about the celery--
[17:25] ---
    On pages 152 and 215 of
    The Ronaldo Chronicles volume 1--
[17:29] ---
    This guy's gross!
[17:32] ---
    Anyway, can't you give me an
    embarrassing scandal with more impact?
[17:36] ---
    For example, does he wander around every
    night in just a hat, boots, and gloves?
[17:41] ---
    If he did, I would leave this house.
[17:44] ---
    Damn it, you're no help.
[17:46] ---
    I guess I'll have to search
    the whole house.
[17:47] ---
    Stop that. I'm the one
    who has to clean that up!
[17:52] ---
    Hm?
[17:53] ---
    I haven't cleaned over there yet.
    Give me a minute!
[17:56] ---
    Did you think of something?
[17:58] ---
    I'm the one who cleans the house.
[18:02] ---
    So what did Ronaldo have to clean up?
[18:05] ---
    And he seemed so panicked
    when you tried to go in...
[18:10] ---
    It's not good to keep secrets
    from your teammate.
[18:12] ---
    It might get in the way of our work.
[18:15] ---
    That hedonism... I take my hat off.
[18:19] ---
    Something that can be hidden
    in that short amount of time...
[18:22] ---
    Documents that prove he's evading taxes?
[18:25] ---
    All right! Let's split up and look!
[18:32] ---
    I feel restless...
[18:36] ---
    Hey, Lord Dral--
[18:38] ---
    What are you doing?!
[18:40] ---
    Idiot! We were just playing
    higher-than-you tag!
[18:42] ---
    In someone else's house?!
[18:43] ---
    So is John panicking because
    he can't climb to high places?!
[18:46] ---
    Poor John!
[18:47] ---
    Shut up! It's because
    you came in! Get out!
[18:51] ---
    Yeah! We were having so much
    fun before you came in!
[18:53] ---
    Playing tag?! When did you two
    become such good friends?!
[18:57] ---
    Damn it! What the hell?
[19:00] ---
    I'm being left out...? Damn it!
[19:04] ---
    Looks like we dodged a bullet.
[19:05] ---
    Good thing he's an idiot.
    Let's finish this quickly.
[19:12] ---
    This closet is locked!
[19:14] ---
    What? Is his secret in here?
[19:16] ---
    I forgot! Hey, Lord Dral--
[19:19] ---
    What?!
[19:20] ---
    Don't you know the cactus?!
[19:22] ---
    It's one of the most well-known
    gymnastics formations!
[19:25] ---
    I meant, why are you doing it now?!
[19:27] ---
    Why do you keep coming in?!
    Didn't I tell you to stay over there?!
[19:31] ---
    I got hungry, so I was trying
    to get a late-night snack!
[19:33] ---
    I'll bring you some rice balls!
    Now go away!
[19:36] ---
    Wahh! You bully!
[19:41] ---
    He's being so troublesome.
[19:43] ---
    John, please deliver the rice balls,
    and then keep Ronaldo over there.
[19:51] ---
    Ronaldo,
[19:52] ---
    it's ridiculous that you think you can
    stop the Vampire Draluc with a mere lock.
[19:57] ---
    Will you give me a chop
    around here on my neck?
[19:59] ---
    After I die, slide my ashes
    through the gaps in the door.
[20:02] ---
    That attitude of facing death
    head-on! I like you, Draluc!
[20:07] ---
    Do it.
[20:14] ---
    John?!
[20:16] ---
    Thank you! You're the only one on my side!
[20:21] ---
    You're the only one who won't betray me.
[20:26] ---
    Oh, no! I can't open
    the lock from the inside!
[20:30] ---
    It's so cramped!
[20:31] ---
    Idiot! Hit your head on
    something in there and die!
[20:34] ---
    Oh, good idea! Sand!
[20:36] ---
    What are those guys doing?
[20:40] ---
    What're you doing out of the blue, John?!
[20:43] ---
    Oh, are you saying, "Let's play together"?
    Trying to cheer me up?
[20:47] ---
    You really are a good egg, John!
[20:51] ---
    Wh-What's the matter, John?!
[20:54] ---
    Hey, damn idiot! Bastard!
    What did you do to John--?
[20:57] ---
    Stop! Don't touch those!
[21:01] ---
    It's too late! So this is your secret!
[21:05] ---
    "To my dearest Ronaldo"
    "From Akemi Handa"
[21:12] ---
    Akemi Handa...?
[21:13] ---
    Uh, well, I thought you'd be shocked
    if you saw letters from your mom...
[21:25] ---
    Remember this, Ronaldo!
[21:33] ---
    Handa! That idiot went in
    my place without asking.
[21:36] ---
    Vice-Captain Hinaichi!
[21:39] ---
    You have a call from an outside line.
[21:42] ---
    Hello? This is Hinaichi.
[21:44] ---
    It's Ronaldo. Please pay
    for the broken window.
[21:48] ---
    Huh?!
[21:52] ---
    "A vampire who can control blood"
[21:53] ---
    "A vampire who can control blood"
    Tsujigiri Nagiri has
    appeared in this town.
[21:54] ---
    Tsujigiri Nagiri has
    appeared in this town.
[21:56] ---
    A vampire with a danger
    level over Level A.
[21:59] ---
    He slashes his victims with a blade
    formed from his own blood...
[22:03] ---
    Tsuji--
[22:06] ---
    The vampire dies in no time.