# E4 - The Man’s Name Is Handa
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/GQJUG12GG/the-mans-name-is-handa)
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
**[00:04] ---**
Thanks, John.
**[00:07] ---**
Um, I'm here for a consultation...
**[00:11] ---**
All right, please come in.
**[00:13] ---**
Excuse me...
**[00:18] ---**
What?! What are you?!
What kind of organism are you?!
**[00:20] ---**
Are you a new kind of bioterrorism?!
**[00:23] ---**
What's the matter, Ronaldo...?
It's so loud...
**[00:28] ---**
I understand why seeing
that would make you die.
**[00:30] ---**
Oh, a compatriot! The rumors
were true, after all!
**[00:35] ---**
"Compatriot"?! Does that
mean that you're a...?
**[00:37] ---**
Yes. As you can see, I'm a vampire.
**[00:40] ---**
It's *not* what *I* see, though!
**[02:14] ---**
"I Have Desire,
Therefore I Metamorphose"
**[02:20] ---**
Apologies for the late introduction.
I am the vampire Aud von Kreatur.
**[02:26] ---**
lt's quite long, so feel free
to call me "Odd Creature."
**[02:27] ---**
"Vampire - Odd Creature"
It's quite long, so feel free
to call me "Odd Creature."
**[02:29] ---**
"Vampire - Odd Creature"
You're okay with that?!
**[02:32] ---**
Well? Why is a vampire here?
**[02:35] ---**
I thought a hunter familiar with vampires
could help me with my problem...
**[02:42] ---**
On top of that, you're an understanding
hunter who's teamed up with a vampire.
**[02:47] ---**
I had no choice but to take advantage
of such a strange idiot!
**[02:50] ---**
Can I punch him?
**[02:52] ---**
A-Anyway, what did you need?
**[02:55] ---**
Oh, dear. Do you think there's
anything other than how I look?
**[03:00] ---**
Hey, can I punch him?!
**[03:03] ---**
Actually, I'm a vampire who can
turn into anything I want.
**[03:09] ---**
The only trouble is that I'm
not good at controlling it.
**[03:14] ---**
I don't expect much from you, but if you
could just improve on this a little...
**[03:19] ---**
Even his explanation annoys me
to the bottom of my heart.
**[03:23] ---**
Is it really possible to have so little
control over your own power?
**[03:26] ---**
It's not that unusual.
**[03:29] ---**
Transformation is one of the most complex
of a vampire's supernatural powers.
**[03:35] ---**
It's possible to make a mistake
and turn into something strange,
**[03:37] ---**
or be unable to change back.
**[03:39] ---**
Now, kill me.
**[03:40] ---**
Then don't do it, idiot!
**[03:42] ---**
I understand the situation now,
**[03:44] ---**
but whether I'll help or not
is a different matter.
**[03:46] ---**
If there's a possibility that you'll use
that power for evil, then I'll hunt you--
**[03:51] ---**
Huh?!
**[03:53] ---**
Pants me?! Is that something girls do?
**[03:57] ---**
What?! Why did you suddenly
transform into something gross?!
**[04:00] ---**
Excuse me, my power
is going out of control...
**[04:02] ---**
What do you mean, out of control?!
You suddenly got grotesque and big!
**[04:05] ---**
What? Did you say my size is amazing?
**[04:08] ---**
What the hell are you talking about?!
**[04:12] ---**
Please excuse me.
**[04:14] ---**
When my power goes out of control,
I transform into something crazy-looking.
**[04:18] ---**
But in spite of myself,
**[04:20] ---**
when I think of something perverted,
my power goes out of control.
**[04:23] ---**
Are you an idiot?
**[04:24] ---**
On my way here today, I saw the Kanagawa
Prefecture logo and turned into this.
**[04:29] ---**
Are you a teenage boy?!
**[04:31] ---**
You piss me off, but it could be dangerous
if we don't get your powers under control.
**[04:34] ---**
I need to make my perverted
thoughts go limp, huh?
**[04:37] ---**
Don't say it like that!
But what could do the trick?
**[04:41] ---**
A naked pic of Lord Dral or something?
**[04:43] ---**
How rude!
**[04:44] ---**
Oh, it makes me limp
just thinking about it. Please!
**[04:48] ---**
Ugh, I don't wanna see it!
**[04:50] ---**
Th-That makes me angry!
**[04:52] ---**
Look, I've taken off my shirt for you!
Are you satisfied, disgusting being?
**[04:56] ---**
You didn't really change much!
**[04:58] ---**
Well, it does make me limp,
**[05:01] ---**
but when you hit me over the head with it
like that, it's not surprising enough...
**[05:04] ---**
Like, you're as scrawny as expected...
**[05:07] ---**
Let go of me, Ronaldo.
I'm going to slap him.
**[05:10] ---**
It's not worth it.
The reaction will just kill you.
**[05:15] ---**
Instead of making you limp,
what if we distract you instead?
**[05:20] ---**
Like if we calm you down
with a cute animal.
**[05:22] ---**
Look, it's the armadillo
house spirit, John!
**[05:25] ---**
Oh, that *is* cute.
**[05:28] ---**
I do feel like my spirit
is being cleansed...
**[05:32] ---**
Why do you have John's head?!
**[05:34] ---**
When I thought about how the roundness
reminded me of boobs, it just happened...
**[05:38] ---**
Your spirit's super dirty!
**[05:42] ---**
Oh, no, John's really shocked!
**[05:44] ---**
Can you blame him? He was told
by his own face that he's like boobs.
**[05:48] ---**
Boobs by your own face?
What kind of "play" is that?!
**[05:53] ---**
Shut up!
**[05:54] ---**
Stop messing around!
Do you even *want* to control this?!
**[05:56] ---**
If you stay like that, it won't be long
before either we hunt you down
**[05:59] ---**
or Vamp Control ties you up and kills you!
**[06:01] ---**
The women's uniform for the Vampire
Control Division is sexy, isn't it?
**[06:06] ---**
Just go and get caught, idiot!
**[06:07] ---**
Wait, Ronaldo. I've got it.
**[06:10] ---**
It looks like anything trivial
will cause you to go crazy.
**[06:15] ---**
Even though you're a pervert, there's no
concrete evidence of personal experience!
**[06:18] ---**
In other words, you're...
**[06:20] ---**
...a late bloomer with zero experience
who's living in his delusions!
**[06:25] ---**
To make a guy like that go limp
and get back in control of himself
**[06:28] ---**
is like trying to get a middle
school boy to achieve nirvana.
**[06:31] ---**
It's impossible!
**[06:32] ---**
Instead, you should be building up
experience and tolerance
**[06:35] ---**
to sexual things, fool!
**[06:37] ---**
Instead of making him abstain, get
him used to it. A reversal in thinking!
**[06:42] ---**
Hey, take this! Shock therapy!
**[06:46] ---**
So this is your collection, Ronaldo?
**[06:48] ---**
Shut up!
**[06:50] ---**
Take this, too!
**[06:56] ---**
Throwing it all at him suddenly
isn't building tolerance,
**[06:58] ---**
it's having the opposite effect?!
**[06:59] ---**
No, look! He's taking in information
at an amazing speed!
**[07:03] ---**
He's getting used to the stimulus
**[07:05] ---**
and trying to control his lust--
and his transformation!
**[07:14] ---**
Oh, what is this feeling?
**[07:18] ---**
This peaceful feeling of satisfaction...
**[07:28] ---**
Is this his true form?
**[07:31] ---**
Hunter Ronaldo! There was a report that
a gross creature invaded your office!
**[07:39] ---**
And here's the cliché-- Sand!
**[07:42] ---**
In other words, you guys are... s-s-s...
**[07:47] ---**
Squid?
**[07:48] ---**
Salacious!
**[07:54] ---**
"Kitchen Liberal Force"
**[08:02] ---**
Hmm, was there not enough?
Shall I make another dish?
**[08:06] ---**
It pisses me off that
you're good at cooking.
**[08:09] ---**
In order to drink the blood
of a living human,
**[08:12] ---**
it was best for vampires to
invite them to their castles.
**[08:15] ---**
The most important thing when
welcoming a guest is delicious food!
**[08:20] ---**
That's why vampires have always
been really good at cooking.
**[08:29] ---**
"Kaso Organic Farm"
**[08:31] ---**
What is it?
**[08:32] ---**
It was sent through refrigerated
shipping... From Autumn Books.
**[08:34] ---**
They're sharing some
vegetables they got with us.
**[08:36] ---**
Oh, that's nice.
**[08:38] ---**
Then, I'll use them right away.
**[08:43] ---**
Sand...
**[08:45] ---**
"[Vampiric Vegetables]"
"Old vegetables sometimes turn
into vampires. These vegetables
can infect other vegetables. "
**[08:50] ---**
They've *all* turned into vampires!
What the hell?
**[08:53] ---**
Unfortunately, they should
all be thrown away.
**[08:55] ---**
Idiot! Once they've turned into vampires,
you can't throw them away in the trash!
**[08:58] ---**
We have to get the VRC to take them.
**[09:01] ---**
Then hurry up and call them.
**[09:04] ---**
Well, but if I do that...
**[09:07] ---**
I can't believe you let them turn into
vampires even though you're a hunter.
**[09:10] ---**
Fool.
**[09:12] ---**
That's what'll happen!
**[09:13] ---**
You're really cowardly
about stuff like that, huh?
**[09:17] ---**
What should I do...?
**[09:18] ---**
All right, why don't we try
eating them, Ronaldo?
**[09:20] ---**
We're not eating them!
**[09:22] ---**
Why not? If you digest them,
then the hunt is over, right?
**[09:26] ---**
Won't you be sorry if you waste the food
Autumn Books is sharing with us?
**[09:30] ---**
Don't sound like you're having so much
fun when you say that, damn bastard!
**[09:36] ---**
Let's see. Cut the burdock root
into long, thin slivers...
**[09:38] ---**
It's grotesque how you're preparing that!
**[09:46] ---**
Blanch the mustard spinach,
and then use that water to boil the udon.
**[09:51] ---**
Draluc's quick dish, Udon with
Lots of Veggies, is done!
**[09:56] ---**
Man, this looks more like
real food than I expected.
**[10:00] ---**
Now, it's tasting time!
**[10:02] ---**
If this tastes bad, I'm gonna kill you.
**[10:07] ---**
--You're dead meat.
**[10:07] ---**
--Ronaldo!
--You're dead meat.
**[10:09] ---**
The seasoning should have been fine...
**[10:14] ---**
John!
**[10:16] ---**
It doesn't matter what seasonings you use
**[10:18] ---**
if the vegetables themselves are
bitter, sour, stinky, and gross!
**[10:20] ---**
Were they that bad...?
**[10:22] ---**
All right, next I'll neutralize the smell
and try something with stronger flavors!
**[10:26] ---**
Don't make anything else!
**[10:31] ---**
Huh?! They're multiplying!
**[10:33] ---**
It looks like when I opened the fridge,
they infected the other vegetables.
**[10:37] ---**
You idiot!
**[10:39] ---**
Oh, no! The kitchen's been taken over!
**[10:42] ---**
Damn it! Retreat for now! Retreat!
**[10:46] ---**
You're a hunter, aren't you?
Shoot them with your gun!
**[10:49] ---**
Are you stupid?
That'll mess up the floor and stuff!
**[10:52] ---**
I have some vampiricide for inferior
vampires in the back closet,
**[10:56] ---**
"Vampiricide Diefast"
so I'll weaken them with
that before I hunt them.
**[10:58] ---**
Huh? Won't that work on me, too?
**[11:01] ---**
All right, we're rushing in!
**[11:05] ---**
Damn it! If I knew it'd turn out like
this, I would've just called VRC...
**[11:09] ---**
No...! The tomato's laying
eggs in my coffin!
**[11:12] ---**
Sand!
**[11:14] ---**
Ronaldo, exterminate it for me!
**[11:15] ---**
Shut up! If you're a vampire,
you should like tomatoes! Just eat them!
**[11:18] ---**
I'd just be a psycho if I ate that!
**[11:21] ---**
Don't lose to some vegetables!
You said you were a superior vampire!
**[11:25] ---**
Hurry up and get to the closet--
**[11:29] ---**
Huh? That's just some celery.
**[11:31] ---**
Shut up!
**[11:32] ---**
That's strong poison! Industrial waste!
Just the smell makes me feel nauseated!
**[11:34] ---**
I don't even want to look at it!
I'll die if it comes near me!
**[11:37] ---**
Celery, go home! Go to hell!
**[11:40] ---**
Hm? Calm down.
**[11:42] ---**
Oh, it's the celery's show of force.
**[11:45] ---**
I-I-I can't get to the closet!
It's been blocked!
**[11:48] ---**
We need to think of another way!
**[11:50] ---**
Hey, are you even dumber
than I thought you were?
**[11:54] ---**
Just retreat! We'll rework the plan.
**[11:57] ---**
If the enemy is celery, then we might
need to consider a nuclear missile!
**[12:00] ---**
He said we're retreating. Come on, John.
**[12:03] ---**
John!
**[12:05] ---**
Crap! Get it off!
He's being turned into a vampire!
**[12:07] ---**
John, are you all right?!
Hang in there!
**[12:12] ---**
John...
**[12:13] ---**
What's with these roots?
**[12:16] ---**
It's connected to the
other vegetables, too.
**[12:19] ---**
Whoa! John's blood gave the
vegetables a boost! This is bad.
**[12:24] ---**
Damn it, if it's come to this,
then it's all or nothing!
**[12:29] ---**
"Soy Sauce" "Canola Oil"
**[12:31] ---**
Come on! Take that, veggie bastards!
**[12:34] ---**
What did you throw?
**[12:35] ---**
Vegetables I'd stocked up on.
**[12:36] ---**
What?! If you add more vegetables to this,
**[12:39] ---**
then they'll just all turn
into vampires, right?
**[12:44] ---**
Yeah. These'll turn into vampires fast.
**[12:49] ---**
No matter what kind of
vegetables they are!
**[12:53] ---**
Just as I thought! The vampiric garlic is
a natural enemy of the other vegetables!
**[12:58] ---**
They're destroying the others
in front of our eyes!
**[13:00] ---**
That's what you get!
**[13:02] ---**
A clean sweep of the room!
Good job, vampiric garlic!
**[13:06] ---**
So, what will you do with
that vampiric garlic?
**[13:16] ---**
It's astonishing that a hunter could
turn even garlic into vampires.
**[13:20] ---**
You great big giant fool.
**[13:29] ---**
"The Man's Name Is Handa"
**[13:33] ---**
"Vampire Control Division"
**[13:35] ---**
The girl from Vamp Control is
coming to see you again today.
**[13:38] ---**
What? That Hinaichi?
**[13:41] ---**
Sorry, Ronaldo. I may need
you to leave us alone.
**[13:45] ---**
She's coming to observe you, idiot.
**[13:47] ---**
You're so slow.
That's just the official reason.
**[13:54] ---**
That was fast.
**[13:55] ---**
Listen! If you do anything
weird this time, I'll kill you.
**[13:58] ---**
No... you're the one
who will die... Ronaldo.
**[14:05] ---**
You've got a dumb look on
your face as usual, Ronaldo.
**[14:08] ---**
Now that I'm here,
**[14:09] ---**
"Kanagawa Prefectural Police
Vampire Control Division"
"Tou Handa"
you won't be able to be so carefree anymore.
**[14:13] ---**
Handa?! What're you doing here?
**[14:15] ---**
Ronaldo, who is this man?
**[14:17] ---**
Oh, he's an old acquaintance.
He's a dhampir.
**[14:21] ---**
"[Dhampirs]" "Half vampire,
half human. They can detect vampires."
He uses his ability as a
member of Vamp Control.
**[14:24] ---**
He's an annoying guy who likes
to rush at me at the drop of a hat.
**[14:28] ---**
I thought Hinaichi was supposed to com--
**[14:30] ---**
Vice-Captain Hinaichi is busy.
I'm here in her place.
**[14:33] ---**
What, are you disappointed
that I'm not a cute girl?!
**[14:37] ---**
You sleazebag controlled by
the lower half of your body!
**[14:39] ---**
If the law allowed me to, I'd chop it off!
**[14:41] ---**
You're too close! I didn't say anything!
**[14:45] ---**
Anyway, you get a narrow escape.
Today, I'm here to see that vampire.
**[14:51] ---**
I'll interrogate you carefully to make
sure you aren't dangerous.
**[14:54] ---**
Prepare yourself!
**[14:55] ---**
Hey, save me, Ronaldo!
**[14:58] ---**
Stop, Handa!
**[14:59] ---**
I haven't cleaned over there yet.
Give me a minute!
**[15:02] ---**
Worry about *me*!
**[15:07] ---**
All right, time for the interrogation.
Out of my way, Ronaldo. Get out of here.
**[15:12] ---**
You might put ideas in his head.
**[15:14] ---**
Listen up, vampire.
Just you try lying or keeping secrets!
**[15:18] ---**
I'll kill you! Got it?
**[15:20] ---**
This is oppression by
a government authority!
**[15:22] ---**
Listen, damn idiot.
**[15:24] ---**
If you say anything that'll make trouble
for me, I'll kill you! Remember that!
**[15:28] ---**
I'll die no matter what I do!
**[15:34] ---**
Well? What do you want me to
talk about? Just so you know--
**[15:38] ---**
What are you doing?
**[15:41] ---**
Idiot! Does this look like anything other
than searching the house to you?
**[15:44] ---**
I meant, why are you doing that?
I thought you wanted to ask me questions.
**[15:48] ---**
I don't care about *you*!
**[15:50] ---**
Then what did you come here for?!
**[15:52] ---**
I came under the pretense of observing
you to find Ronaldo's weakness!
**[15:56] ---**
Being honest *is* a virtue, but...
What has Ronaldo ever done to you?
**[16:01] ---**
There are tons of reasons
why I should kill him.
**[16:05] ---**
But above all, it's to get
revenge for my mother!
**[16:12] ---**
Even though my mother
was a noble vampire...
**[16:18] ---**
...she became completely obsessed
with *The War Chronicles of Ronaldo*
**[16:20] ---**
and is a huge fan of his now!
**[16:21] ---**
Oh, that sucks.
**[16:23] ---**
That guy and I were
classmates in high school!
**[16:26] ---**
Can you imagine?
**[16:28] ---**
Your own mother talking excitedly
about your classmate in a shrill voice?!
**[16:32] ---**
It's only natural that I'd want
to beat him to death!
**[16:35] ---**
Sand...!
**[16:38] ---**
Please stop taking it out on me!
**[16:40] ---**
I'll expose his shame to the world
and erase him from society!
**[16:44] ---**
I'll bring my mom to her senses!
**[16:46] ---**
Too close! Too close!
**[16:48] ---**
If you get it, then tell me everything!
Tell me all the secrets you know!
**[16:53] ---**
You've got to be kidding me.
**[16:54] ---**
If Ronaldo is destroyed,
then I won't have a place to live.
**[16:58] ---**
I have a limited edition of the
new *Age of Vampires* game.
**[17:03] ---**
You who are descended from my compatriot,
I will give you what you desire.
**[17:08] ---**
That guy's weaknesses,
secrets, anything! Tell me!
**[17:12] ---**
Let's see, Ronaldo doesn't like celery.
And he likes big boobs.
**[17:18] ---**
Stop messing around!
That's common sense!
**[17:21] ---**
Common sense?!
**[17:22] ---**
Idiot.
**[17:23] ---**
First, about the celery--
**[17:25] ---**
On pages 152 and 215 of
*The Ronaldo Chronicles* volume 1--
**[17:29] ---**
This guy's gross!
**[17:32] ---**
Anyway, can't you give me an
embarrassing scandal with more impact?
**[17:36] ---**
For example, does he wander around every
night in just a hat, boots, and gloves?
**[17:41] ---**
If he did, I would leave this house.
**[17:44] ---**
Damn it, you're no help.
**[17:46] ---**
I guess I'll have to search
the whole house.
**[17:47] ---**
Stop that. I'm the one
who has to clean that up!
**[17:52] ---**
Hm?
**[17:53] ---**
I haven't cleaned over there yet.
Give me a minute!
**[17:56] ---**
Did you think of something?
**[17:58] ---**
I'm the one who cleans the house.
**[18:02] ---**
So what did Ronaldo have to clean up?
**[18:05] ---**
And he seemed so panicked
when you tried to go in...
**[18:10] ---**
It's not good to keep secrets
from your teammate.
**[18:12] ---**
It might get in the way of our work.
**[18:15] ---**
That hedonism... I take my hat off.
**[18:19] ---**
Something that can be hidden
in that short amount of time...
**[18:22] ---**
Documents that prove he's evading taxes?
**[18:25] ---**
All right! Let's split up and look!
**[18:32] ---**
I feel restless...
**[18:36] ---**
Hey, Lord Dral--
**[18:38] ---**
What are you doing?!
**[18:40] ---**
Idiot! We were just playing
higher-than-you tag!
**[18:42] ---**
In someone else's house?!
**[18:43] ---**
So is John panicking because
he can't climb to high places?!
**[18:46] ---**
Poor John!
**[18:47] ---**
Shut up! It's because
you came in! Get out!
**[18:51] ---**
Yeah! We were having so much
fun before you came in!
**[18:53] ---**
Playing tag?! When did you two
become such good friends?!
**[18:57] ---**
Damn it! What the hell?
**[19:00] ---**
I'm being left out...? Damn it!
**[19:04] ---**
Looks like we dodged a bullet.
**[19:05] ---**
Good thing he's an idiot.
Let's finish this quickly.
**[19:12] ---**
This closet is locked!
**[19:14] ---**
What? Is his secret in here?
**[19:16] ---**
I forgot! Hey, Lord Dral--
**[19:19] ---**
What?!
**[19:20] ---**
Don't you know the cactus?!
**[19:22] ---**
It's one of the most well-known
gymnastics formations!
**[19:25] ---**
I meant, why are you doing it now?!
**[19:27] ---**
Why do you keep coming in?!
Didn't I tell you to stay over there?!
**[19:31] ---**
I got hungry, so I was trying
to get a late-night snack!
**[19:33] ---**
I'll bring you some rice balls!
Now go away!
**[19:36] ---**
Wahh! You bully!
**[19:41] ---**
He's being so troublesome.
**[19:43] ---**
John, please deliver the rice balls,
and then keep Ronaldo over there.
**[19:51] ---**
Ronaldo,
**[19:52] ---**
it's ridiculous that you think you can
stop the Vampire Draluc with a mere lock.
**[19:57] ---**
Will you give me a chop
around here on my neck?
**[19:59] ---**
After I die, slide my ashes
through the gaps in the door.
**[20:02] ---**
That attitude of facing death
head-on! I like you, Draluc!
**[20:07] ---**
Do it.
**[20:14] ---**
John?!
**[20:16] ---**
Thank you! You're the only one on my side!
**[20:21] ---**
You're the only one who won't betray me.
**[20:26] ---**
Oh, no! I can't open
the lock from the inside!
**[20:30] ---**
It's so cramped!
**[20:31] ---**
Idiot! Hit your head on
something in there and die!
**[20:34] ---**
Oh, good idea! Sand!
**[20:36] ---**
What are those guys doing?
**[20:40] ---**
What're you doing out of the blue, John?!
**[20:43] ---**
Oh, are you saying, "Let's play together"?
Trying to cheer me up?
**[20:47] ---**
You really are a good egg, John!
**[20:51] ---**
Wh-What's the matter, John?!
**[20:54] ---**
Hey, damn idiot! Bastard!
What did you do to John--?
**[20:57] ---**
Stop! Don't touch those!
**[21:01] ---**
It's too late! So this is your secret!
**[21:05] ---**
"To my dearest Ronaldo"
"From Akemi Handa"
**[21:12] ---**
Akemi Handa...?
**[21:13] ---**
Uh, well, I thought you'd be shocked
if you saw letters from your mom...
**[21:25] ---**
Remember this, Ronaldo!
**[21:33] ---**
Handa! That idiot went in
my place without asking.
**[21:36] ---**
Vice-Captain Hinaichi!
**[21:39] ---**
You have a call from an outside line.
**[21:42] ---**
Hello? This is Hinaichi.
**[21:44] ---**
It's Ronaldo. Please pay
for the broken window.
**[21:48] ---**
Huh?!
**[21:52] ---**
"A vampire who can control blood"
**[21:53] ---**
"A vampire who can control blood"
Tsujigiri Nagiri has
appeared in this town.
**[21:54] ---**
Tsujigiri Nagiri has
appeared in this town.
**[21:56] ---**
A vampire with a danger
level over Level A.
**[21:59] ---**
He slashes his victims with a blade
formed from his own blood...
**[22:03] ---**
Tsuji--
**[22:06] ---**
The vampire dies in no time.