E3 - Artoria, The Calamity

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:00] Seiichi
    My name is Hiiragi Seiichi.
    I'm a second-year in high school.
[00:04] Seiichi
    One day, I was sent to another
    world that isn't Earth.
[00:08] Seiichi
    There, I ate some Fruit of Evolution,
[00:10] Seiichi
    and gained an OP physique
    while still Level 1!
[00:13] Seiichi
    On top of that, a gorilla named Saria...
[00:16] Seiichi
    evolved into a beautiful woman?!
[00:18] Seiichi
    A super cute one, too!
[00:20] Seiichi
    We left the forest together,
[00:22] Seiichi
    but what's gonna happen to
    my life in another world?!
[00:29] Saria
    We should head for the
    nearest town first, right?
[00:33] Seiichi
    Yeah.
[00:34] Seiichi
    Once we register at an adventurer's guild
    there, we'll get proof of identification.
[00:40] Seiichi
    That should also
[00:41] Seiichi
    give me a chance to meet up with
    Kannazuki-senpai and the others.
[00:49] Slime
    Jiggle!
[00:51] Saria
    How cute!
[00:52] Seiichi
    This is a slime?!
[00:58] Seiichi
    Appraise!
[00:59] Seiichi
    It's Level 88?!
[01:02] Seiichi
    Slimes are the weakest of
    weak mobs, aren't they?
[01:05] Seiichi
    That's too strong!
[01:07] Slime
    Jiggle!
[01:09] Seiichi
    It's fast!
[01:10] Seiichi
    So this is the Sixth Sense skill?
[01:19] Seiichi
    Take this!
[01:25] Saria
    Wow, amazing!
[01:27] Saria
    You really are strong!
[01:29] Seiichi
    A-Am I...
[01:31] Seiichi
    some kind of monster now?!
[01:35] Saria
    Seiichi, what's that?
[01:37] Seiichi
    Boots and cards?
[01:40] Seiichi
    You can wear the boots, Saria.
[01:43] Saria
    Thanks, Seiichi.
[01:45] Seiichi
    I'll take these.
[01:49] Voice
    Skills: Absorb and Compress acquired.
[01:54] Voice
    You have leveled up.
[01:56] Voice
    Skill: Disguise has ranked
    up to Disguise Prowess.
[02:00] Seiichi
    Crap! I'm becoming even more of a monster!
[02:05] Saria
    Huh?
[02:07] Saria
    So bright!
[02:07] Seiichi
    Hey!
[02:08] Seiichi
    My eyes! My eyes!
[02:19] Seiichi
    It turned into a robe?
[02:22] Saria
    This just fell.
[02:25] Seiichi
    A letter?
[02:27] Sheep
    Hello! Mister Sheep here.
[02:29] Seiichi
    It was your doing?!
[02:31] Sheep
    Congratulations on leveling up!
[02:33] Sheep
    You're steadily leaving humanity behind.
[02:37] Seiichi
    Shut up!
[02:39] Sheep
    Now, your helmet suddenly
    transformed into a robe, did it not?
[02:43] Sheep
    This is because it evolved with you.
[02:46] Seiichi
    It evolved?!
[02:47] Sheep
    Your Skill, Disguise, has leveled up!
[02:51] Sheep
    Thanks to that, you won't have everyone
    finding out how monstrously strong you are.
[02:56] Sheep
    Which means there's no longer
    any need to conceal your face,
[03:01] Sheep
    so it transformed into a common robe.
[03:04] Seiichi
    That's a long explanation!
[03:06] Saria
    But this is great, Seiichi!
[03:08] Sheep
    Also, this letter will
    automatically self-destruct.
[03:12] Seiichi
    Huh?
[03:12] Sheep
    Kaboom!
[03:13] Saria
    Seiichi!
[03:16] Seiichi
    Screw you!
[03:20] Saria
    It's my first time wearing shoes.
    How do they look?
[03:24] Seiichi
    Yeah, you look really good in them.
[03:28] Saria
    I'm so happy!
[03:30] Seiichi
    So, once again, we began
    walking toward a town.
SIGN    The Fruit of Evolution:
SIGN     Before I Knew It,
    
    My Life Had It Made
SIGN    Artoria, The Calamity
[05:08] Claude
    What? You don't have any
    proof of identification?
[05:12] Claude
    That's impossible.
[05:13] Claude
    Even slaves have that.
[05:15] Seiichi
    Right...
[05:17] Seiichi
    But we lost ours.
[05:19] Claude
    Oh, well, then.
[05:20] Claude
    Both of you, go ahead and
    place your hands on this.
[05:24] Claude
    This is the Gem of Truth,
[05:27] Claude
    an item that identifies the
    criminality of those who touch it.
[05:30] Seiichi
    Oh, no.
[05:31] Seiichi
    I'm using Disguise, but that'll
    be meaningless, won't it?
[05:36] Claude
    Good, you pass!
[05:38] Claude
    Next up is the beauty.
[05:43] Claude
    You're both good to go in.
[05:45] Saria
    We did it, Seiichi!
[05:47] Claude
    But you should get your proof of
    identification made as soon as possible.
[05:51] Seiichi
    Right.
[05:52] Seiichi
    We're going to have the
    guild issue them right away.
[05:55] Claude
    What?!
[05:57] Claude
    Wh-What did you just say?!
[05:59] Seiichi
    Huh?
[06:00] Claude
    That's the one place you don't want to go!
[06:02] Claude
    No matter what happens,
    stay true to yourself!
[06:05] Seiichi
    Huh?
[06:06] Claude
    If anything goes down, you come to me!
[06:08] Claude
    I'll lend you an ear!
[06:10] Claude
    Whatever you do, don't make
    any hasty decisions! Got it?!
[06:13] Seiichi
    Y-Yes.
[06:15] Claude
    Good!
[06:17] Claude
    I'm Claude Schreizer.
[06:19] Claude
    Feel free to just call me Claude.
[06:21] Seiichi
    I'll do that, then.
[06:23] Seiichi
    I'm Seiichi. Nice to meet you.
[06:26] Saria
    I'm Saria! Nice to meet you!
[06:28] Claude
    Yeah!
[06:30] Claude
    I'm more than happy to get
    to know beautiful women.
[06:32] Claude
    So then, once again...
[06:36] Claude
    Welcome to the royal capital, Telbert!
[06:52] Saria
    So this is the guild?
[06:54] Seiichi
    Yeah. It seems like a normal
    place, despite what Claude said.
[06:59] Seiichi
    What an exaggeration.
[07:01] Eris
    Come on, come on, come on!
[07:03] Eris
    You perverted, masochistic pigs!
[07:05] Eris
    Cry out with your plebeian voices!
[07:09] Eris
    Don't act spoiled!
[07:11] Middle-Aged Man
    More, please, Queen!
[07:15] Seiichi
    Yeah, this is the guild.
[07:19] Saria
    What's the matter? Aren't we going in?
[07:22] Seiichi
    Huh?
[07:22] Seiichi
    Y-Yeah, just hold on a second.
[07:27] Eris
    Come on, come on, come on!
[07:29] Eris
    Give me an even more vulgar cry!
[07:31] Middle-Aged Man
    Hot! Hot!
[07:33] Middle-Aged Man
    Thank you so much!
[07:34] Seiichi
    Damn!
[07:38] Destroyer
    Anything will do.
[07:41] Destroyer
    Just let me destroy something!
[07:47] Pacifier
    He's wost it again.
[07:49] Pacifier
    You should go shtop him.
[07:51] Raincoat
    No! Today is the perfect day for streaking!
[07:55] Raincoat
    If I got into a fist fight and got blood
    on my briefs, that just wouldn't do!
[07:59] Pacifier
    Twue.
[08:01] Seiichi
    It's a gathering of perverts!
[08:04] Saria
    Hey, what's going on inside?
[08:08] Seiichi
    The sight will taint you!
[08:10] Seiichi
    Let's just move on! We should be able to
    get proof of identification elsewhere.
[08:13] Guscle
    There's no need for that!
[08:17] Seiichi
    It's a new type of pervert!
[08:19] Guscle
    That's right, I'm...
[08:22] Guscle
    Guild Master, Guscle Clute!
[08:25] Guscle
    Abdominal and thigh!
[08:27] Seiichi
    This is the guild master?!
[08:29] Seiichi
    He's just some dude who
    thinks muscles are great!
[08:32] Guscle
    I heard what you need!
[08:34] Guscle
    You're welcome to come
    register with our guild!
[08:37] Guscle
    Go on! Go on! Go on!
[08:41] Guscle
    Go on! Go on!
[08:43] Seiichi
    Hey! Wait!
[08:44] Guscle
    Guscle!
[08:50] Guscle
    Eris-kun!
[08:51] Guscle
    We have the first new applicant in a while!
[08:55] Eris
    Oh, dear. This outfit isn't
    fit for receptionist work.
[09:04] Eris
    I'm sorry you two had to
    witness such a shameful sight.
[09:07] Eris
    I'm Eris McClain, the one in
    charge of reception here.
[09:11] Saria
    Wow, so cute!
[09:13] Seiichi
    Her range is incredible.
[09:15] Eris
    Seiichi-san, is that correct?
[09:18] Eris
    If you'd like to register with our guild,
[09:21] Eris
    you must have your own reasons.
[09:25] Seiichi
    True...
[09:26] Seiichi
    If I want to see everyone else...
[09:29] Eris
    Our guild headquarters here collects
[09:32] Eris
    all kinds of information
    from around the world,
[09:34] Eris
    so if you register, I'm sure
    it'll be to your benefit.
[09:38] Saria
    Seiichi!
[09:40] Seiichi
    Saria?
[09:41] Saria
    I think we should register with this guild!
[09:45] Seiichi
    Huh?
[09:46] Saria
    I mean...
[09:51] Saria
    They all look they're having so much fun.
[09:54] Seiichi
    All right.
[09:55] Seiichi
    We'll join this guild, then.
[09:58] Guscle
    Oh! I knew you would say that!
[10:11] Green Flunky
    Haven't seen you here before.
[10:13] Blond Flunky
    You new here?
[10:14] Seiichi
    I just joined this guild.
[10:18] Green Flunky
    I see.
[10:19] Blond Flunky
    Come with us for a bit.
[10:21] Saria
    Seiichi...
[10:23] Seiichi
    Saria, you wait here.
[10:25] Seiichi
    I'll finish this up quick.
[10:26] Saria
    B-But...
[10:42] Green Flunky
    First, show us your damn face!
[10:48] Blond Flunky
    Whoa...
[10:49] Green Flunky
    Hot guy...
[10:54] Mohawk
    Shall we do it?
[10:57] Flunky
    It only hurts at first.
[11:00] Flunky
    Once you get used to it, it's fine.
[11:02] Mohawk
    It's our own little welcome party for you!
[11:05] Seiichi
    This is too high-level for a virgin like me!
[11:09] Seiichi
    No!
[11:10] Seiichi
    Please let me go!
[11:12] Blond Flunky
    Wait!
[11:18] Flunky
    Hey!
[11:19] Flunky
    Don't hold back!
[11:20] Mohawk
    You'll enjoy life twice as much!
[11:23] Seiichi
    I'm good, thanks!
[11:27] Mohawk
    What incredible jumps and speed.
[11:30] Flunky
    Such strong legs and loins.
[11:32] Flunky
    That's exactly the kind of
    new man we're looking for!
[11:37] Seiichi
    I'm back.
[11:40] Saria
    Thank goodness you're safe!
[11:43] Seiichi
    Yeah, I'm fine now.
[11:47] Guscle
    I can't believe you made it back safely.
[11:50] Eris
    Yes, you're the first one to do so.
[11:53] Seiichi
    Seriously?!
[11:55] Seiichi
    Hey, Guscle! Do something about those three!
[11:58] Guscle
    They're all doing what they
    believe is best, though!
[12:03] Seiichi
    Don't laugh it off!
[12:05] Eris
    Anyway, we'd like you two to
    take a few tests for us now.
[12:08] Both
    Huh?
[12:10] Eris
    Well, they're only really tests in name.
[12:13] Eris
    It's actually a way to assess
    what kinds of quests are suited
[12:17] Eris
    to an applicant's abilities.
[12:19] Guscle
    Yeah!
[12:20] Guscle
    Most of the quests this guild
    gets are defeating things,
[12:23] Guscle
    gathering things, odd jobs,
    and guard missions,
[12:26] Guscle
    so we assess your abilities in each field.
[12:28] Seiichi
    I see.
[12:30] Saria
    So that's how it works.
[12:31] Eris
    However, you're required to have
    a B-Rank or higher adventurer
[12:35] Eris
    accompany you as your test proctor.
[12:38] Guscle
    Right now, we only have one of those.
[12:40] Seiichi
    I bet it's gonna be another unique charac—
[12:45] Artoria
    What the hell?
[12:46] Artoria
    You actually selected me for this?
[12:49] Guscle
    That's the A-Rank adventurer, Artoria.
[12:52] Artoria
    I already told you, didn't I?
[12:54] Artoria
    I refuse to proctor any tests.
[12:59] Seiichi
    Seiichi, your face...
[13:02] Artoria
    Hey, newbie!
[13:04] Artoria
    You don't want me as your
    test proctor either, right?
[13:07] Seiichi
    Huh? Well, I don't really care...
[13:12] Artoria
    Are you insane?!
[13:15] Eris
    I understand how you feel, but...
[13:18] Artoria
    Shut up!
[13:19] Guscle
    He was able to escape
    safely from the Mohawks,
[13:23] Guscle
    so he might be able to
    survive your predisposition.
[13:26] Seiichi
    Predisposition?
[13:27] Artoria
    What are you even basing
    that suggestion on?!
[13:30] Guscle
    Well, that's...
[13:31] Guscle
    my muscles, obviously!
[13:34] Guscle
    My muscles are the greatest reason!
[13:38] Seiichi
    I don't understand anything here.
[13:40] Artoria
    Ugh, damn it!
[13:42] Artoria
    Fine, then!
[13:44] Artoria
    If you're that insistent,
    then I'll take on the job.
[13:49] Artoria
    And, uh, you know...
[13:51] Artoria
    Sorry... about earlier.
[13:54] Artoria
    I'm Artoria Gremm...
[13:57] Artoria
    Artoria, the Calamity.
[14:04] Artoria
    So about the tests...
[14:06] Artoria
    First, we'll take on quests for odd jobs.
[14:08] Saria
    Odd jobs?
[14:10] Artoria
    We have three kinds.
[14:11] Artoria
    Help out an orphanage,
    demolish a building, and walk a dog.
[14:17] Seiichi
    They really are just odd jobs.
[14:20] Artoria
    Normally we'd only do one,
[14:22] Artoria
    but that stupid Guscle
[14:24] Artoria
    probably dumped the unpopular ones on us.
[14:28] Artoria
    Hm? What is it?
[14:30] Seiichi
    Well, you're cute when you smile.
[14:33] Saria
    I thought so, too!
[14:35] Saria
    Artoria-san, you're so cute!
[14:37] Artoria
    Quit spouting stupid crap
    and let's get moving!
[14:47] Saria
    Seiichi, is it okay if I do this quest?
[14:50] Seiichi
    Will you be okay, though?
[14:52] Saria
    Leave it to me!
[14:54] Saria
    I'm an expert at this stuff!
[14:56] Saria
    I can work hard, too!
[14:58] Clare
    Hardly anyone would accept it
    since the reward was so low.
[15:02] Clare
    You're a big help.
[15:04] Saria
    I'll do my best!
[15:05] Saria
    Everyone, it's nice to meet you!
[15:13] Seiichi
    Um, why are you walking
    so far ahead of everyone?
[15:19] Kid
    Wait!
[15:25] Boy
    It hurts!
[15:28] Seiichi
    Are you o—
[15:29] Artoria
    Come on, don't cry.
[15:32] Artoria
    Ah, that looks painful.
[15:34] Artoria
    Hold on a sec.
[15:38] Artoria
    This will sting a bit.
[15:40] Boy
    Ow!
[15:41] Boy
    I'm okay now.
[15:46] Seiichi
    Artoria-san!
[15:50] Seiichi
    A defense skill?!
[15:52] Seiichi
    It's almost as if she anticipated
    that from the beginning.
[15:56] Artoria
    I'm just no good.
[15:59] Boy
    Lady?
[16:06] Artoria
    The second quest is demolishing a building.
[16:09] Artoria
    So where should we... start...
[16:12] Artoria
    Hey!
[16:14] Seiichi
    I should break this here, then?
[16:17] Seiichi
    Huh?
[16:21] Artoria
    You dumbass!
[16:38] Artoria
    Once again, someone else is
    suffering a tragedy because of me.
[16:42] Artoria
    I've always had this predisposition,
    ever since I was child.
[16:46] Artoria
    It always affects everyone around me.
[16:49] Artoria
    Which is why I can never rely on anyone else,
[16:52] Artoria
    and I decided to live by myself.
[16:55] Artoria
    Damn it! Damn it!
[16:57] Artoria
    I knew this would happen.
[16:59] Artoria
    I'm Artoria, the Calamity.
[17:04] Artoria
    Everyone who gets involved with me
[17:07] Artoria
    suffers calamities, without exception.
[17:15] Artoria
    Huh?
[17:19] Seiichi
    Dust got in my mouth.
[17:26] Artoria
    You dumbass!
[17:28] Artoria
    Don't go acting on your own
    without waiting for directions!
[17:31] Seiichi
    Huh?
[17:31] Artoria
    Listen!
[17:32] Artoria
    The job you're aiming for is adventurer!
[17:36] Artoria
    In this line of work, selfish actions
    can get a whole party killed!
[17:39] Artoria
    Do you understand that?!
[17:41] Seiichi
    I...
[17:42] Artoria
    An adventurer doesn't need
    the greatest might or magic!
[17:47] Artoria
    They need the ability to sense danger!
[17:50] Seiichi
    Right...
[17:51] Artoria
    There's no point in anything if you die!
[17:54] Artoria
    Besides...
[17:56] Artoria
    You have Saria to worry about!
[17:58] Seiichi
    I-I'm sorry.
[18:04] Artoria
    Well, I may be strict about that,
[18:07] Artoria
    but this time I'm partly at fault, too.
[18:10] Artoria
    Anyway, I'm glad you're safe.
[18:16] Artoria
    Th-There's nothing else, okay?!
[18:18] Artoria
    Come on, let's hurry on to the next one.
[18:23] Seiichi
    She might actually be a really kind person.
[18:32] Zakia
    It's been five months already?
[18:35] Zakia
    Things never go well, do they?
[18:37] Orphe
    You were tough on them during training today.
[18:41] Orphe
    Why is that?
[18:43] Zakia
    Because I don't want them to die.
[18:45] Orphe
    Huh?
[18:46] Zakia
    They have nothing to do with our war.
[18:49] Zakia
    Yet we're asking them to
    defeat the Demon Lord?
[18:53] Zakia
    I just can't agree with that.
[18:56] Orphe
    That's...
[18:58] Zakia
    Orphe...
[19:01] Zakia
    You're the only one I'd say this to.
[19:02] Zakia
    I'm against this war with the demons.
[19:05] Orphe
    That's not good!
[19:07] Orphe
    If anyone heard you say that...
[19:10] Zakia
    I don't want to let a single one of them die.
[19:12] Zakia
    If they came here from a peaceful world,
[19:15] Zakia
    I wish they could have gone on
    living in that wonderful place.
[19:23] Artoria
    The final trial is just walking a dog.
[19:26] Seiichi
    It'll be a piece of cake, then.
[19:32] Seiichi
    This is a wolf!
[19:35] Seiichi
    Huh?!
[19:38] Adrianna
    Seiichi-san and Milk-chan look like
    they're having an awful lot of fun.
[19:42] Seiichi
    Are you kidding me?!
[19:45] Artoria
    Seiichi!
[19:46] Artoria
    If it looks like you're really in danger,
    I'll rescue you, so don't worry!
[19:49] Seiichi
    You're definitely not saving me, then!
[19:52] Adrianna
    Still, Artoria-chan, you've changed.
[19:56] Artoria
    Huh?
[19:57] Adrianna
    Well, you're smiling more than you used to.
[19:59] Adrianna
    Maybe it's because of him?
[20:01] Artoria
    O-Of course it's not!
[20:04] Artoria
    I'm just acting as their test proctor
[20:06] Artoria
    b-because I have to!
[20:08] Adrianna
    My, my, is that so?
[20:13] Guscle
    Here is your reward for
    completing these quests!
[20:18] Seiichi
    Where did you just pull that from?!
[20:20] Guscle
    All right!
[20:21] Guscle
    Now get some good rest!
[20:23] Guscle
    Rest is important for muscles, too, you know!
[20:26] Eris
    By the way, do you have an inn to stay at?
[20:29] Both
    Now that you mention it...
[20:31] Seiichi
    Guess we'll just camp out.
[20:33] Eris
    But your bodies won't be properly rested.
[20:36] Artoria
    Um...
[20:37] Artoria
    I-If you need a place,
[20:39] Artoria
    how about the inn I'm staying at?
[20:43] Eris
    What did you say?!
[20:43] Guscle
    What?!
[20:45] Artoria
    W-Well, you know.
[20:47] Artoria
    I figured it would be more, um...
[20:49] Artoria
    The rate's reasonable, too.
[20:51] Artoria
    And the food's good.
[20:53] Eris
    Our Artoria-san is...
[20:55] Guscle
    M-My pecs are stunned!
[20:59] Artoria
    I-I won't force you to!
[21:02] Both
    Please let us!
[21:06] Seiichi
    A lot happened today,
[21:09] Seiichi
    but I think we've found some hope
    for a steady life in our future.
SIGN    Seiichi's Status for Today
[22:46] Saria
    Time for "Seiichi's Status for Today"!
[22:49] Seiichi
    Wh-What is this segment, anyway?!
[22:52] Saria
    Seiichi's present Status is... this!
SIGN    Hiiragi Seiichi
     Race: Human Gender: Male
    Class: Unnamed Monster
     Age: 17 (17) Level: 10
    Mana: 1016030
     Defense: 1013270
    Agility: 1020270
     Magic Attack: 1015580
    Magic Defense: 1016680
     Luck: 1009040
    Charm: Too Heart-Throbbing to Endure
[22:56] Saria
    Wow!
[22:57] Saria
    Your Level jumped right up to 10!
[23:00] Artoria
    You're not half bad, huh?
SIGN    Equipment
     High Quality Shirt. High Quality Pants.
     High Quality Undershirt. High Quality Briefs.
     Clever Monkey's Chain. Water Spirit's Dagger.
     Bracelet of the Night. Dark King's Stone Choker. Necklace of Endless Love. Rapier of Whirling Hatred.
     Rapier of Overflowing Fondness. Blue Boots.
     Personal Skills
     Instant Recall. Instant Learning.
     Instant Recovery. Complete Harvesting.
     Sixth Sense.
[23:03] Seiichi
    My Status has increased so
    explosively, it scares me.
SIGN    Skills:
     Attack: Guillotine Kick. Twin Fang Attack. Adamant Claws.
     Resistance: Paralysis Resistance. Sleep Resistance. Confusion Resistance.
     Charm Resistance. Petrification Resistance. Bind Resistance.
     Poison Resistance. Fatigue Resistance.
     Movement: Instant Movement.
     Special: Advanced Appraisal. Superior Alchemy. Enemy Detection. Absorb.
     Disguise Prowess. Assimilate. Clairvoyance. Compress.
    Tool Creation (Superior).
[23:07] Saria
    Hey, what is this "Compress"?
[23:09] Artoria
    It's a skill that allows
    him to compress anything.
[23:12] Artoria
    He can compress his own body, even his
    power, and basically anything else.
[23:16] Artoria
    However, he has to touch
    whatever he wishes to compress.
[23:20] Saria
    Then what would happen if he touched
    your boobs with this Compress skill?
[23:25] Artoria
    Wha—
[23:27] Seiichi
    B-Boobs...
[23:29] Artoria
    Don't stare at them!
[23:31] Seiichi
    I-I wasn't staring that hard.
[23:35] Seiichi
    While continuing our tests
    to become adventurers,
[23:37] Seiichi
    we get teleported into a mysterious dungeon!
[23:39] Seiichi
    There we find the legendary dragon said to be
[23:41] Seiichi
    the strongest member of
    the Demon Lord's army!
SIGN    Next Time
    Black Dragon God's Dungeon
[23:43] Seiichi
    Next time: "Black Dragon God's Dungeon."
[23:45] Seiichi
    Artoria-san!