2 - Physical Exams Are Life-Threatening?!

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:07] Haruaki
    My name is Haruaki Abe.
[00:10] Haruaki
    Due to a strange turn of
    events, I became a teacher
[00:14] Haruaki
    at a school filled with youkai
    on an island filled with youkai.
SIGN    Grammar
    <<Metaphor (Simile)>>
    Example: This sailor
    uniform is like silk
    <<Inverting sentences>>
    Example: I was scolded
    by Sano-kun.
[00:18] Haruaki
    I teach Japanese.
[00:21] Miki
    Abe-sensei,
[00:23] Miki
    it's only a little farther.
[00:27] Haruaki
    Today, I'm climbing.
SIGN    Shatter!
[00:32] Haruaki
    Ah... Miki-sensei, I just
    heard my heart shatter.
[00:36] Miki
    Well, glue it back together, then!
SIGN    A Terrified Teacher at Ghoul School!
SIGN    A Terrified Teacher at Ghoul School!
[02:19] Haruaki
    This is great!
SIGN    Episode 2
    "Physical Exams
    Are Life-Threatening?!"
[02:22] Haruaki
    Thank you so much for inviting me.
SIGN    Beer
SIGN    Eggs
[02:25] Miki
    I figured we should get to know each other
    better, now that we're coworkers.
[02:30] Miki
    Things were a bit hectic, so we didn't
     get to introduce ourselves properly.
[02:34] Miki
    The name's Miki. Pleasure to meet you.
[02:39] Haruaki
    Oh, right. Your class is
    right next door, right?
[02:43] Miki
    Shutendouji are oni, or ogre youkai.
[02:47] Miki
    Anyway, you don't need to be
    scared of me. Let's be friends.
[02:49] Haruaki
    Likewise!
[02:53] Miki
    This is Hatanaka-kun. He's in
    charge of student discipline.
[02:58] Haruaki
    It's a pleasure to meet you.
[03:05] Haruaki
    Um...
[03:06] Haruaki
    Hatanaka-sensei, what
    exactly are you doing?
[03:09] Hatanaka
    Nothing.
[03:11] Hatanaka
    Don't worry about it.
[03:15] Hatanaka
    By the way, Abe-sensei, we need
    to get an early start tomorrow.
[03:19] Hatanaka
    Make sure you don't oversleep.
[03:20] Haruaki
    Huh? Aren't the physical exams tomorrow?
[03:24] Haruaki
    Do we actually do something?
[03:26] Hatanaka
    Yes.
[03:27] Miki
    It's honestly pretty exhausting.
[03:29] Hatanaka
    Guiding the students and
    preparing the equipment...
[03:32] Hatanaka
    Welcoming the doctors traveling to
    the island... We do quite a bit.
[03:35] Miki
    Be careful, though.
[03:37] Miki
    Each year, at least one teacher
    ends up in the hospital.
[03:41] Haruaki
    From physical exams?!
[03:44] Hatanaka
    Anyway, just know that we'll be
    working you to the bone, Abe-sensei.
[03:50] Haruaki
    I'm already feeling it in my stomach...
SIGN    The Next Day
[03:56] Haruaki
    Once you've changed into your gym clothes,
[03:58] Haruaki
    please follow the teachers' instructions.
[04:01] Utagawa
    What if I've gained weight?
[04:03] Tamao
    What if I'm shorter?
[04:06] Haruaki
    They might be youkai,
    but they're still just teenagers.
SIGN    Eye Exam
    Listening Exam
    Dental Exam
[04:10] Odawara
    Wh-What if they tell me to use LED?
SIGN    Fear
[04:13] Yanagida
    What if I'm not 100% cotton anymore?
[04:16] Maizuka
    What if I'm not a tanuki anymore?!
[04:20] Haruaki
    Sorry... I can't help you with
    youkai-specific issues...
[04:24] Haruaki
    But you're 100% a tanuki,
    Maizuka-kun, so don't worry.
[04:31] Hatanaka
    Abe-sensei.
[04:33] Haruaki
    Oh, Hatanaka-sensei.
[04:35] Hatanaka
    I've already got a job for you.
[04:37] Hatanaka
    Please assist with the eye exams.
[04:40] Hatanaka
    First, go to the audiovisual room.
[04:41] Haruaki
    Oh, right. Got it.
[04:43] Hatanaka
    And when you get there, call this number.
[04:45] Haruaki
    But why?
[04:47] Hatanaka
    You'll find out when you get there! Now, go!
[04:49] Hatanaka
    No running in the hallway!
    Power-walk dash your way there!
[04:52] Haruaki
    Come on! This is ridiculous!
SIGN    Eye Exams
[04:59] Ren
    Up?
[05:01] Haruaki
    Up, he says.
[05:04] Haruaki
    And next?
[05:09] Ren
    Down?
SIGN    Eye
    Exams
[05:10] Haruaki
    Down, he says.
[05:22] Satou-sensei
    Down?
[05:24] Satou-sensei
    Up?
[05:26] Satou-sensei
    I see.
[05:27] Satou-sensei
    Okay, Nyuudou-kun.
[05:29] Satou-sensei
    Your vision is 130.0.
SIGN    Hyakki Academy
[05:31] Haruaki
    The scale's so different,
    I don't know if that's good or bad!
[05:36] Ren
    Damn it! I'm 0.5 lower than last year.
[05:39] Haruaki
    Um...
[05:40] Haruaki
    You just went from 130.5 to 130.0.
[05:44] Haruaki
    How does that possibly
    affect your daily life?
[05:49] Mandragora
    Hatanaka-sensei...
    The eye exams are done.
[05:54] Hatanaka
    You're late!
[05:56] Hatanaka
    The special exams are next!
[05:58] Hatanaka
    Take the cat and the tanuki from your class
    and go see Miki in the nurse's office!
[06:03] Hatanaka
    Go on! Power dash!
SIGN    Power Dash
[06:06] Haruaki
    He just abbreviated "power-walk dash!"
SIGN    Power-Walk
SIGN    Dash
SIGN    Power Dash
[06:09] Hatanaka
    Power dash!
[06:13] Haruaki
    I've brought the cat and tanuki!
[06:15] Miki
    Alrighty.
[06:17] Miki
    Okay, you two. Why don't you step in here?
[06:21] Miki
    I bet something good will happen.
[06:23] Tamao
    Why?
[06:28] Tamao and Mamekichi
    Huh?
[06:32] Miki
    This cage has talismans
    on it that seal spirit energy.
[06:36] Haruaki
    They're from my shrine.
[06:39] Haruaki
    S-Sorry about this. But you know,
[06:41] Haruaki
    we've got some doctors from off
    the island here to see you.
SIGN    Animal Youkai
    This Way
    Vaccines
[06:45] Takahashi
    Now, then... Time for some
    really, really fun shots.
[06:55] Mamekichi
    I don't want any shots! Seimei-kun!
[06:59] Tamao
    Corporal punishment!
    This is corporal punishment!
[07:05] Haruaki
    Huh? Nezumi-sensei, too?
[07:09] Miki
    All animal youkai will have to get these.
[07:16] Hatanaka
    Honestly... How can you be so scared
    of shots at your age? How dumb.
[07:22] Miki
    Now, hold on just a second.
[07:24] Miki
    You're getting one, too, Hatanaka-kun.
[07:30] Hatanaka
    Let me out!
[07:33] Hatanaka
    I don't need a shot!
SIGN    Laid-Back
    Youkai Dictionary
[07:37] Small old man
    Laid-Back Youkai Dictionary!
[07:39] Small old man
    Kamaitachi use their sickle-like
    hands to cut people.
[07:45] Small old man
    Why's he like that, though?
[07:48] Hatanaka
    Hey! Are you listening to me?!
[07:48] Miki
    Okay, Sensei. I'm handing them off to you.
[07:52] Tamao
    You ogre! Demon!
[07:54] Nezumi-sensei
    You heartless teacher!
[07:55] Hatanaka
    Give me back the 3,000 I lent you before!
[08:00] Miki
    Takahashi-sensei.
[08:01] Takahashi
    Huh? Oh, right.
[08:04] Takahashi
    One of my surgeries this afternoon canceled,
[08:06] Takahashi
    so I don't mind doing some
    neutering. It'll be chop-chop.
SIGN    Surgery gloves
[08:13] Takahashi
    I'm just kidding. It was a joke.
SIGN    Surgery gloves
SIGN    Surgery gloves
[08:22] Haruaki
    Don't worry, Maizuka-kun.
[08:25] Haruaki
    It'll be over before you know it.
[08:26] Mamekichi
    But I'm scared!
[08:28] Mamekichi
    Seimei-kun! Talk to me to
    keep my mind off of it.
[08:32] Haruaki
    Okay, let's see...
[08:34] Haruaki
    Then...
[08:36] Haruaki
    It may be easier to brush me off
    as another uniform fetishist,
[08:39] Haruaki
    but in my case, it doesn't
    hit me anywhere, anytime.
[08:43] Haruaki
    It only hits me when my
    heart's in the right TPO.
[08:48] Mamekichi
    Literally no one asked about that!
[08:57] Haruaki
    Tanuki!
[09:01] Haruaki
    S-Sensei, am I going to be okay? I'm a human...
[09:06] Takahashi
    Oh, you'll be fine.
[09:09] Takahashi
    Just the other day, I tried this
    out on a human guinea pig—
[09:12] Takahashi
    On a human patient.
[09:14] Haruaki
    A guinea pig...
[09:16] Takahashi
    If you're that worried...
    want to take this one, too?
[09:21] Takahashi
    It's a new medicine I just created yesterday.
[09:27] Mandragora
    No!
[09:28] Haruaki
    I-It's finally over...
[09:31] Miki
    Come on. All that's left is getting
    the students' heights, so buck up.
[09:35] Haruaki
    I wanna go home...
[09:39] Haruaki
    So...
[09:43] Haruaki
    I have to climb up and
    get his measurements?
[09:45] Miki
    We're counting on you, Abe-sensei.
[09:50] Small old man
    Daidarabocchi are giant youkai.
[09:53] Small old man
    People say that they made
    mountains and lakes.
[09:58] Miki
    Go on. You're his homeroom teacher.
[10:00] Haruaki
    Couldn't you or Hatanaka-sensei do this?
[10:03] Miki
    Nope. Hatanaka-kun's definitely out.
[10:09] Haruaki
    It doesn't take much for him to lose heart...
[10:11] Haruaki
    L-Let's decide this fairly
    with rock-paper-scissors!
[10:13] Miki
    Uh...
[10:15] Haruaki
    Come on! Rock, paper, scissors...
[10:18] Mandragora
    ...shoot!
SIGN    And now, we're back at the beginning of the episode...
[10:23] Haruaki
    Dang it... why did I throw rock?
[10:28] Haruaki
    I was a fool to trust in rock!
[10:33] Haruaki
    Then again, I have some serious questions
    about how paper wins by covering rock...
[10:40] Haruaki
    Break through it, damn it!
[10:42] Haruaki
    What do you think, Oota-kun?
[10:44] Oota
    Er, I'm not sure what I can say about
    the rules of rock-paper-scissors...
[10:49] Miki
    Come on, now. Quit your complaining.
[10:52] Miki
    You're almost there.
[10:55] Haruaki
    I finally got to his ear!
[10:58] Miki
    Got it. Be careful.
[11:04] Haruaki
    Whew, that was a heck of a gust...
[11:09] Haruaki
    My Super Cute Uniform Encyclopedia!
[11:17] Haruaki
    No!
[11:17] Haruaki
    I decided a long time ago that when
    I died, it'd be inside a uniform!
[11:26] Sano
    What kind of way to die is that?
[11:29] Haruaki
    Sano-kun! What are you doing here?
[11:32] Sano
    These physical exams are a pain,
[11:34] Sano
    so I skipped them to nap
    on top of Oota's head.
[11:36] Haruaki
    You managed to climb onto his head?
[11:38] Haruaki
    You must be light on your feet.
[11:40] Sano
    Pretty much.
[11:41] Mandragora
    Heave-ho.
[11:43] Haruaki
    Hello? Miki-sensei?
    Oota-kun is 130 meters tall.
[11:47] Oota
    Huh? 130 meters?
[11:49] Oota
    Yay!
[11:52] Oota
    I finally beat the Ushiku Daibutsu statue!
SIGN    Ushiku Daibutsu
    A huge Daibutsu
    statue (120 m)
    that's in Ibaraki
    Prefecture and is
    in the Guinness
    Book of World
    Records.
[11:55] Small old man
    The Ushiku Daibutsu statue is a statue in
    Ibaraki Prefecture that's 120 meters tall.
[12:02] Haruaki
    Wow, that's some competition.
[12:04] Miki
    Well, I'm gonna go check on the other
    students. Be careful getting back down.
[12:09] Haruaki
    Huh?! I have to get down by myself?!
[12:12] Haruaki
    Stare...
[12:14] Sano
    What?
[12:15] Haruaki
    Carry me all the way down on your back.
[12:18] Sano
    I see. I'll kick your ass.
[12:21] Haruaki
    What the heck?
[12:22] Haruaki
    If I was Maizuka-kun,
    you'd be happy to take me down!
[12:26] Haruaki
    You'd be giving him VIP
    treatment with drink in hand!
[12:29] Sano
    What the hell are you talking about?
    There'd be a salad, too.
[12:34] Haruaki
    Wait, Sano-kun!
[12:36] Haruaki
    Hey, Sano-kun!
SIGN    Itch
SIGN    Itch
[12:47] Oota
    Sorry, Sensei. I sneezed.
[12:52] Oota
    Huh? He's gone. He sure got down fast.
[12:59] Miki
    Finally done!
[13:01] Hatanaka
    By the way, where's Abe-sensei?
[13:05] Mamekichi
    Sensei! Have you seen Sano-kun?
[13:08] Miki
    What? Sano-kun's missing, too?
[13:10] Hatanaka
    Honestly, where could they have gone?
[13:16] Sano
    Why is this happening to me?
[13:19] Sano
    This stuff always happens
    when you're around!
[13:22] Haruaki
    This isn't my fault!
[13:23] Sano
    Shut up! Stay away from me,
    you yakubyougami!
[13:26] Haruaki
    You're the yakubyougami!
[13:28] Sano
    Well, you're my yakubyougami!
[13:31] Haruaki
    No way...
[13:34] Principal
    You two!
[13:35] Haruaki
    S-Sorry, sir!
[13:37] Haruaki
    Um, I'll pay for the window I broke!
[13:40] Principal
    I see...
[13:43] Principal
    Then again...
[13:45] Principal
    That's not the kind of window that can be
    replaced with a teacher's puny monthly salary.
[13:49] Haruaki
    Huh? Er... huh?
[13:52] Principal
    Well, given this opportunity,
[13:55] Principal
    there's something I'd like you
    to do rather than pay for that.
[13:59] Haruaki
    Something you want me to do?
SIGN    A Terrified Teacher at Ghoul School!
SIGN    A Terrified Teacher at Ghoul School!
[14:13] Haruaki
    So instead of paying for the window,
    I was asked to clean the pool, but...
SIGN    Around here.
[14:20] Oota
    I'm sorry. It's all because I sneezed.
[14:22] Haruaki
    No, it's okay.
[14:24] Haruaki
    Anyway, you can shrink
    down to this size, Oota-kun?
[14:28] Oota
    Oh, yes. I can.
[14:31] Ren
    Why do I have to go, too?
[14:33] Tamao
    Oh, come on. It's more
    fun with you, Ren-Ren!
[14:36] Mamekichi
    I'm gonna swim the butterfly!
[14:38] Hijita
    Then I'm gonna do an Ina Bauer!
SIGN    Hyakki Academy
    Outdoor Pool
[14:42] Haruaki
    Did any of you even know
    our school had a pool?
[14:46] Hijita
    Until last year, we had classes in the ocean.
[14:49] Oota
    We can't go into the ocean this year, though.
[14:52] Haruaki
    Really?
[14:53] Oota
    Yeah. Because it got hot
    earlier than usual this year,
[14:56] Oota
    a bunch of umibouzu appeared
    in the swimming area.
[15:01] Haruaki
    Oh, come on. They're not
    jellyfish or anything.
[15:05] Little old man
    Umibouzu are youkai that live in the ocean.
[15:07] Little old man
    They sink ships and stuff.
[15:11] Sano
    Hey, isn't that it?
[15:13] Haruaki
    You're right.
[15:17] Haruaki
    Th-This is...
[15:23] Haruaki
    What is this? It's basically abandoned!
[15:25] Hijita
    This is gonna take more than a cleaning.
    It needs a full makeover.
[15:32] Haruaki
    The pool water's dirty, too.
[15:34] Ren
    That's putting it lightly...
[15:36] Ren
    There's literally miasma coming from it.
[15:38] Haruaki
    It's basically the entrance
    to the underworld!
[15:42] Haruaki
    A-Anyway...
[15:43] Haruaki
    Let's dump this water.
[15:45] Sano
    Can we actually dump it?
[15:47] Sano
    I feel like it'd destroy nature...
[15:50] Haruaki
    Well... nature created it...
    and it's going back to nature.
[15:55] Hijita
    All right. I'll go drain it.
[15:57] Sano
    Hey, it's wet around the pool, so it's dange—
[16:02] Tamao
    Hijita fell into the poisonous swamp!
SIGN    Sizzle...
[16:09] Tamao
    He's dead! He's definitely dead!
    I heard some melting!
[16:13] Oota
    Hijita-kun!
[16:14] Haruaki
    No!
[16:17] Sano
    Like a mud youkai would melt and die.
[16:19] Ren
    Pretty much.
[16:25] Hijita
    That really sucked.
[16:26] Haruaki
    Oh, thank goodness you're alive...
SIGN    Whew...
SIGN    Whew...
[16:33] Hijita
    Good grief. Gosh, that was a close one.
[16:37] All
    H-Hijita!
[16:41] Tamao
    This is bad!
[16:42] Tamao
    Hijita's design and personality
    have been completely redone!
[16:46] Sano
    This goes beyond aesthetics. It's just gross.
[16:48] Sano
    Why the hell is he blonde?
[16:52] Ren
    Oh, fine.
[16:54] Ren
    We just gotta accept that Hijita's dead and
    do something about the poisonous swamp.
[16:58] Ren
    Got it?
[17:00] Haruaki
    O-Okay. This time, let's actually drain it.
[17:03] Tamao
    Even if we drained and cleaned this
    pool, I don't think I'd want to...
[17:07] Mamekichi
    S-Save me!
[17:08] Kappas
    Heave-ho. Heave-ho. Heave-ho.
[17:10] Haruaki
    What the hell are those?! Kappa?!
[17:12] Little old man
    Laid-Back Youkai Dictionary!
[17:14] Little old man
    Kappa are youkai that live in rivers.
[17:17] Little old man
    They love cucumbers and causing mischief.
[17:19] Kappa
    Kappamaki!
[17:20] Ren
    They're trying to drag Mame
    into the poisonous swamp!
[17:23] Tamao
    Forget the cleaning!
[17:26] Kappa
    Heave-ho. Heave-ho. Heave-ho.
[17:26] Haruaki
    They're so strong!
[17:28] Mamekichi
    No! I'm gonna end up like Hiji-tan, too!
[17:32] Mamekichi
    I'll turn into a really tall, handsome guy!
[17:35] Mamekichi
    Save me, Sano-kun!
[17:55] Sano
    Mame, are you okay?
[17:57] Mamekichi
    Sano-kun!
[18:00] Sano
    Forget being tall. You look best like this.
[18:00] Mamekichi
    I was so scared!
[18:04] Ren
    Dude, you're way scarier than the kappa!
[18:09] Kappa
    Don't get cocky just because
    you beat us, ignorant fools.
[18:14] Haruaki
    Hey, it spoke!
[18:15] Tamao
    Who're you callin' ignorant fools, huh?!
[18:17] Kappa
    Sorry!
[18:19] Kappa
    But you see, in this pool...
[18:21] Kappa
    our master still awaits.
[18:24] Haruaki
    Huh?
[18:38] Haruaki
    It's a giant human-faced fish!
[18:43] Small old man
    Laid-Back Youkai Dictionary!
[18:45] Small old man
    A human-faced fish, as its name suggests,
[18:48] Small old man
    is literally a fish with a human face.
[18:50] Human-faced fish
    Hello, I am the master here.
[18:53] Human-faced fish
    Now, foolish youkai...
[18:56] Human-faced fish
    if you want to clean this pool,
    you'll have to defeat me first!
[19:00] Haruaki
    Why, though?!
[19:02] Human-faced fish
    We can't have you puny youkai who can't even
[19:07] Human-faced fish
    defeat a single fish
    entering this holy place.
[19:13] Tamao
    You've got some nerve to keep yappin'!
[19:15] Tamao
    You dumb fish, pickin' a fight with a cat!
[19:19] Tamao
    Bring it!
[19:20] Tamao
    I'll fillet you myself, you fish bastard!
[19:27] Tamao
    Oh, no.
[19:29] Haruaki
    Hey! He just nommed him!
[19:30] Ren
    T-Tamao!
[19:32] Oota
    Nyuudou-kun, it's dangerous
    to get any closer!
[19:37] Human-faced fish
    Don't worry. You can have a tearful
    reunion in my belly soon enough!
[19:42] Haruaki
    Oh, no! It's attacking us!
[19:44] Sano
    Isn't he just hungry?
[19:46] Haruaki
    Wh-Wh-What do we do?!
[19:49] Sano
    We don't need to waste
    our time with these guys.
[20:00] Sano
    Oota, you'd be able to catch
    this guy, wouldn't you?
[20:04] Oota
    Oh, right. Hi-yah!
[20:14] Oota
    Yay! I caught it!
[20:17] Haruaki
    Talk about a pathetic master.
[20:19] Human-faced fish
    Now that it's come to this,
    there's nothing more we can do.
[20:24] Human-faced fish
    Stew us, grill us. Do as you please.
[20:25] Kappa
    Oh, Master...
[20:28] Kappa
    Oh, I'm quite delicious as sashimi.
[20:31] Oota
    Uh... I don't think I'm gonna be eating you.
[20:35] Mamekichi
    Hup. Hey, master guy.
[20:37] Mamekichi
    Why don't you come to the biology club?
[20:39] Mamekichi
    You can stay in a gorgeous tank
    with three meals and naptime!
[20:42] Mamekichi
    There's a girl human-faced fish, too,
    and we'll change your water frequently.
[20:47] Mamekichi
    You kappa can come, too.
[20:48] Kappa
    Woo-hoo!
[20:50] Mamekichi
    What do you say?
[20:58] Human-faced fish
    Well, living together in
    harmony is important.
[21:01] Haruaki
    Wow, the master is weak-willed.
[21:05] Haruaki
    Now that the master is gone,
    let's get this cleaning done.
[21:08] All
    Yeah!
[21:10] Haruaki
    By the way, Oota-kun, this whole time...
[21:13] Haruaki
    your feet have been in the
    poisonous swamp. You okay?
[21:16] Oota
    Huh? Um...
[21:20] Oota
    It's hot!
[21:21] Haruaki
    Is it hot?!
[21:23] Oota
    It's hot!
[21:27] Haruaki
    Hey, wait...
[21:34] Haruaki
    Um, so yeah...
[21:38] Haruaki
    For now, please settle for this...
SIGN    Sorry
[21:41] Haruaki
    plastic pool.
[21:43] Principal
    Absolutely not. I'm docking
    your pay, you fool.
[21:51] Haruaki
    And so, this year's swimming
    classes were canceled.
[21:59] Haruaki
    Also, later on...
[22:01] Haruaki
    The master was indeed taken
    in by the biology club.
[22:06] Mamekichi
    Good for you, Master!