E13 - No Way, Why Is It So Big... / You Mustn't Touch That...

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Mikazuki Temple
SIGN    Extra 1
    No Way, Why Is It So Big...
[01:33] Akagami
    Wh-Wh-What...
[01:36] Yuzuki
    Wh-Wh-What...
SIGN    Mikazuki Temple
[01:39] Both
    What the heck is this?!
[01:43] Akagami
    Huh? What? What's happening?
[01:47] Akagami
    Is this Akagami-kun's body?
[01:49] Akagami
    What's going on?
[01:50] Akagami
    When I woke up,
    I was inside Akagami-kun's body.
[01:54] Akagami
    I'm not dreaming.
[02:01] Akagami
    No way... Why is it so big?
[02:04] Akagami
    But I'm not thinking any dirty thoughts.
[02:08] Yuzuki
    I-I'm inside Yuzuki-san's body?
[02:11] Yuzuki
    Her boo—
[02:14] Yuzuki
    Worldly thoughts, begone!
[02:16] Yuzuki
    No, I mustn't hurt Yuzuki-san's precious face.
[02:20] Yuzuki
    She's so beautiful.
[02:23] Yuzuki
    But how can I fix this?
[02:29] Akagami
    Kurage?
[02:32] Kurage
    Akagami-san.
[02:34] Kurage
    Let's get married.
[02:37] Kurage
    Everyone will have to acknowledge
    our relationship then.
[02:39] Akagami
    W-W-Wait...
[02:45] Kurage
    Checkmate, Akagami-san.
[02:48] Akagami
    Wait, wait, wait!
[02:50] Kurage
    Kurage-san is still just a child.
[02:52] Kurage
    If people found out you were doing
    this with her, you'd be finished.
[02:58] Akagami
    I said wait!
[03:00] Kurage
    My, my. I can't believe you're
    letting Kurage-san do this to you.
[03:04] Kurage
    You lolicon.
[03:07] Akagami
    Oh, no!
[03:09] Kurage
    What's wrong with you? You're acting weird.
[03:12] Akagami
    Is that you, Kagura?
SIGN    Mikazuki Temple
[03:17] Kurage
    It seems we've all swapped bodies.
[03:21] Akagami
    Is that even possible?
[03:23] Kurage
    It's happening right now.
[03:25] Akagmi
    I wonder what caused it.
[03:27] Kurage
    The cause, huh?
[03:30] (Flashback) Yuzuki
    Incense?
[03:32] (Flashback) Kagura
    Yes, I had the Baldwin family send it here.
[03:35] (Flashback) Tsukuyo
    It looks kind of sketchy.
[03:37] (Flashback) Kagura
    Let's try burning it.
[03:41] Kurage
    I was just trying to turn
    Mia-san into a sexy perv, but...
[03:46] Kagami
    So this was your fault, Kagura?
[03:48] Kurage
    Tee-hee.
[03:49] Akagami
    In any case, we need to find the others.
[03:52] Akagami
    They probably need help.
[03:56] Yuzuki
    I can't stay here forever.
[03:58] Yuzuki
    I'll get changed and make
    myself look like Yuzuki-san...
[04:02] Yuzuki
    No bra?!
[04:10] Mia
    I'm an adult.
[04:18] Mia
    So mature and sexy.
SIGN    Recording
[04:22] Mia
    Akagami-san, look at me.
[04:42] Akagami
    Kurage?
[04:44] Akagami
    You're Kurage, aren't you?
[04:45] Kurage
    Make sure you save that video, please.
[04:49] Mia
    It's me. What a strange feeling.
[04:53] Kurage
    I've never seen Mia-san
    act like this before, either.
[04:56] Akagami
    Kurage, we're holding a family meeting later.
[04:59] Mia
    Yuzuki-oneechan?
[05:00] Akagami
    I think this calls for an apology.
[05:04] Mia
    But I'm Mia-chan right now.
[05:06] Akagami
    I see. I suppose it can't be helped, then.
[05:10] Akagami
    Mia did mention that she's on a diet.
[05:13] Akagami
    It's a shame, since we received that tasty
    yokan from one of our temple's supporters.
[05:18] Mia
    Yokan?
[05:22] Akagami
    Taking dirty videos of
    yourself really isn't okay.
[05:25] Mia
    I'm sorry.
[05:27] Akagami
    Good girl. Now, let's erase this vid—
[05:32] Kurage
    That was my scream.
[05:37] Yuzuki
    There's always a solution.
[05:38] Yuzuki
    This will allow me to undress
    without looking at myself.
[05:45] Yuzuki
    Oh, no!
[05:48] Kurage
    My, my.
[05:50] Kagura
    Kiki-san, please stop.
[05:55] Akagami
    Nyagosuke?
[05:57] Kurage
    I see. So Kiki-san swapped with Nyagosuke.
[05:58] Kagura
    Kiki-san...
[06:00] Kagura
    Kiki-san, no...
[06:01] Akagami
    Is that you, Tsukuyo?
[06:05] Akagami
    You're Tsukuyo, right?
[06:08] Kagura
    Don't look!
[06:12] Kagura
    You'll pay for this!
[06:14] Akagami
    Why are you mad at me?
[06:16] Nyagosuke
    Good grief. What a ruckus.
[06:19] Akagami
    It spoke!
[06:20] Nyagosuke
    What's wrong with a talking cat?
[06:22] Mia
    Nothing. Nyagosuke is cute.
[06:25] Nyagosuke
    I am Kiki.
[06:27] Mia
    There, there.
[06:28] Nyagosuke
    I am Kiki!
[06:30] Mia
    Let's get you some milk.
[06:33] Nyagosuke
    I'd prefer sake.
[06:35] Kurage
    For her, I mean.
[06:42] Nyagosuke
    That's rather sexy, if I do say so myself.
[06:44] Mia
    Nyagosuke goes to sleep after drinking milk,
    so we can leave him alone for a while.
[06:49] Kurage
    Let's look for the others in the meantime.
[06:53] Akagami
    Wait.
[06:55] Kurage
    What is it?
[06:56] Akagami
    Well, um...
[07:00] Kagura/Id
    I ran without thinking about it, but it's
    possible Akagami's swapped with someone, too.
[07:14] Kagura
    What are you doing?
[07:16] Akagami
    How do I do this?
[07:21] Yuzuki
    I'll never get anywhere
    unless I do something about this.
[07:24] Yuzuki
    I must get dressed quickly.
[07:25] Yuzuki
    Which clothes would make
    Yuzuki-san look the most beautiful?
[07:30] Yuzuki
    A kimono?
[07:30] Yuzuki
    But a kimono would involve...
[07:34] Yuzuki
    Changing my bottoms...
[07:35] Yuzuki
    Oh, no!
[07:38] Tsukuyo/Id
    It's just my imagination.
[07:40] Tsukuyo/Id
    This is definitely just a
    trick of my imagination.
[07:44] Tsukuyo/Id
    It's real!
[07:46] Akagami
    Mia?
[07:49] Akagami
    You're Mia, right?
[07:51] Tsukuyo
    Is that you, Yuzuki-san?
[07:54] Akagami
    I'm glad nothing terrible has happened to you.
[07:56] Tsukuyo
    Does this mean you've all swapped, too?
[08:00] Tsukuyo
    It's me...
[08:02] Mia
    I'm Kurage.
[08:03] Kurage
    I'm Kagura.
[08:06] Tsukuyo
    What are those for?
[08:07] Kurage
    Handling hazardous materials.
[08:10] Nyagosuke
    Damn you for being so robust!
[08:13] Akagami
    Kiki-san...
[08:14] Tsukuyo
    Master, could you cat slap me, too?
[08:18] Kagura
    Don't! That's my body!
[08:20] Mia
    What's robust?
[08:22] Kagura
    Don't worry about it, Kurage.
[08:24] Akagami
    More importantly, we need
    to find everyone quickly!
[08:27] Akagami
    Who haven't we found yet?
[08:29] Kagura
    Yuzu-nee herself!
[08:31] Kagura
    She's in serious trouble since
    she swapped with Akagami.
[08:34] Kurage
    Maybe Akagami-san's in
    the bathroom right now.
[08:39] Yuzuki
    If I clear my mind of mundane thoughts,
    I should be able to ignore my worldly thoughts.
[08:42] Yuzuki
    I'm not Akagami Akemitsu
    right now. I'm Yuzuki-san.
[08:47] Yuzuki
    Yuzuki-san, the world's most wonderful woman.
[08:49] Yuzuki
    I never experience the shadow
    of a worldly thought.
[08:53] Kurage
    You're pervy too, Yuzuki-oneechan.
[08:55] Yuzuki
    Not right now, Kurage-san!
[08:57] Kurage
    You secret perv.
[09:03] Yuzuki
    I don't think so, worldly thoughts.
[09:15] Mia
    Huh?
[09:16] Kagura
    My, my.
[09:17] Kurage
    I'm not mature or sexy anymore.
[09:19] Akagami
    Which means...
[09:21] Tsukuyo
    We're back to normal?
[09:24] Kiki
    Hey, kids.
[09:26] Mia
    Master?
[09:27] Kiki
    Well? Is everyone back to normal?
[09:30] Tsukuyo
    What about you?
[09:32] Tsukuyo
    She's still got some cat in her.
[09:34] Kurage
    Meow, meow.
[09:36] Kiki
    Hey, cut that out.
[09:37] Kagura
    If the effects expire
    after some time has passed,
[09:40] Kagura
    then I must give some more
    thought to how to use it.
[09:46] Tsukuyo
    Wait. Akagami, where's Yuzu-nee?
[09:49] Tsukuyo
    You swapped bodies with Yuzu-nee, right?
[09:52] Tsukuyo
    Then you must know where she is.
[09:55] Akagami
    Well, actually, um...
[09:59] Akagami
    I was in Yuzuki-san's room this whole time.
[10:02] Tsukuyo
    Let's go, everyone.
[10:04] Akagami
    N-No, wait!
[10:11] Akagami
    I gave up on getting dressed, and in order
    to suppress my worldly desires, I...
[10:16] Yuzuki
    Is everyone out there? Are we back to normal?
[10:19] Yuzuki
    It's pitch-black! And why can't I move?
[10:23] Akagami
    Yuzuki-san, I'm sorry!
[10:29] Yuzuki
    What?!
SIGN    Mikazuki Temple
SIGN    Pearls before swine, sutras before cats
SIGN    Extra 2
    You Mustn't Touch That...
[10:59] Akagami
    What?!
[11:02] Akagami
    Kiki-san?
[11:03] Kiki
    Do you believe in God?
[11:06] Akagami
    God? But we run a temple.
    This can't be good.
[11:10] Kiki
    You may kiss the bride.
[11:12] Akagami
    You want me to what?!
[11:17] Akagami
    Is that you, Yuzuki-san?
[11:20] Kiki
    In sickness and in health,
    may the Buddha always be with you.
[11:34] Hoan
    I'd like to have about ten kids.
[11:38] Hoan
    Mikazuki Temple shall be closed immediately!
[11:50] Hoan
    Don't waste your time.
[11:51] Hoan
    Un-horse-tunately, there are no
    knights here to ride to your defense.
[11:55] Kagura
    There's one right here.
[12:05] Akagami
    Kagura-san!
[12:13] Hoan
    Get her!
[12:42] Kagura
    Uggy...
[12:44] Akagami
    Uggy?
[12:45] Kagura
    It's short for "Ugh, kill them."
[12:47] Akagami
    I see! I won't allow that to happen!
[12:52] Kagura
    Wow!
[12:57] Kagura
    My, my.
[12:58] Akagami
    Let's run for it.
[13:09] Akagami
    Which way?
[13:13] Akagami
    Kagura-san, where are we going?
[13:16] Kagura
    Hold on tight!
[13:29] Akagami
    Where are we?
[13:31] Kagura
    On the moon, of course.
[13:33] Akagami
    What?!
[13:36] Kagura
    No one will interrupt us here.
[13:40] Kagura
    It's time to pay up.
[13:43] Akagami
    W-We mustn't, Kagura-san!
    I'm not that kind of—
[13:50] Kagura
    Poke.
[13:50] Akagami
    Hey!
[14:21] Tsukuyo
    Akagami, are you okay?
[14:44] Akagami
    Tsukuyo-san?
[14:45] Tsukuyo
    You don't have to pay for that kiss.
[14:47] Tsukuyo
    That was just mouth-to-mouth.
[14:49] Akagami
    What are you talking about?
[14:52] Tsukuyo
    Forget it. Anyway, why
     don't we swim together?
[14:54] Akagami
    Sounds nice.
[15:24] Tsukuyo
    That was fun.
[15:25] Akagami
    Yes.
[15:28] Tsukuyo
    Akagami?
[15:29] Akagami
    Tsukuyo-san, your, um... breasts...
[15:39] Tsukuyo
    Hey, Akagami...
[15:40] Akagami
    Y-Yes?
[15:41] Tsukuyo
    Look at me.
[15:43] Akagami
    But...
[15:43] Tsukuyo
    Just do it.
[15:46] Tsukuyo
    There.
[15:47] Akagami
    You can take that off?!
[15:55] Tsukuyo
    Don't avert your eyes, Akagami.
[15:58] Akagami
    Tsukuyo-san...
[15:59] Tsukuyo
    Hold me tight. Please.
[16:05] Akagami
    Quicksand?!
[16:06] Tsukuyo
    Akagami...
[16:17] Akagami
    Where am I?
[16:18] Kurage
    A room in a castle.
[16:19] Kurage
    The kind you sometimes see
    on the side of major roadways.
[16:25] Akagami
    Kurage-san, those aren't castles.
[16:28] Kurage
    I'll accommodate your tastes.
[16:30] Akagami
    What?
SIGN    Kurage
[16:38] Kurage
    Well?
[16:41] Kurage
    Or do you prefer this?
[16:49] Kurage
    You're a lolicon, after all.
[16:52] Akagami
    I'm not, though!
[16:56] Kurage
    Here's a special treat.
[16:58] Akagami
    Huh?
[17:00] Akagami
    What?
[17:02] Akagami
    What?!
[17:08] Akagami
    Kurage-san turned into an adult?!
[17:11] Kurage
    This is in the way.
[17:13] Akagami
    W-W-Wait...
[17:15] Akagami
    Wait!
[17:18] Kurage
    Kaboom.
[17:23] Akagami
    Kurage-san, we mustn't!
[17:25] Kurage
    Why not? I'm an adult.
[17:28] Akagami
    Even adults should only do this
    with someone they truly love.
[17:31] Kurage
    But I truly love you, Akagami-san.
[17:37] Mia
    Akagami!
[17:39] Akagami
    Now Mia-san's here?!
[17:40] Mia
    Save the excuses!
[17:42] Mia
    You shall be judged by Hyakunin Isshu!
[17:44] Akagami
    And her character
    development has been undone!
[17:46] Akagami
    Wait! This is dangerous!
[17:46] Mia
    Wait! Stop running!
[17:50] Tsukuyo
    You've got this, Akagami!
[17:51] Kagura
    Keep it up, Mia-san!
[17:53] Akagami
    What's going on here?
[17:55] Akagami
    This series of events has
    been chaotic from the start...
[17:59] Akagami
    Kiki-san?!
[18:01] Akagami
    I'm sorry, I—
[18:02] Akagami
    Why are you undressing, too?!
[18:04] Kiki
    It's not fan service unless I undress, too.
[18:07] Kiki
    Come on. Don't be shy.
[18:10] Akagami
    Worldly thoughts, be—
[18:14] Mia
    Gotcha.
[18:22] Akagami
    Where am I?
SIGN    Post-Penance
    Pleasure Room
[18:23] Mia
    Akagami.
SIGN    Post-Penance
    Pleasure Room
[18:26] Mia
    Do you perhaps enjoy this kind of thing?
[18:28] Kagura
    It's BDSM penance.
SIGN    Blessings of Dreamlike
    and Surreal Madness
    BDSM
[18:31] Akagami
    It's certainly a type of penance...
[18:35] Mia
    Prepare yourself.
[18:37] Kagura
    Mia-san, be careful with that open flame.
[18:39] Mia
    I know.
[18:40] Akagami
    No, no, no!
[18:46] Akagami
    Huh? It's not actually that hot.
[18:48] Mia
    It's called a low-temperature candle.
[18:50] Mia
    It's a specialty product that
    allows you to safely
[18:53] Mia
    enjoy wax play without burning your partner.
[18:54] Akagami
    Why do you know so much about that?!
[18:56] Yuzuki
    Mia! Kagura!
[19:00] Akagami
    Yuzuki-san?!
[19:01] Yuzuki
    Look at you, Akagami-kun. You're all dirty.
[19:09] Mia
    Perhaps you could scrape the
    wax off with your fingernails.
[19:12] Kagura
    Let's wait until we've
    dripped wax on more places.
[19:14] Akagami
    Please, no!
[19:16] Yuzuki
    Then why don't we wash you off in the bath?
[19:19] Akagami
    Together?!
[19:28] Yuzuki
    How is this, Akagami-kun?
[19:33] Tsukuyo
    This is so embarrassing.
[19:35] Kurage
    Adult bodies are so much fun.
[19:39] Mia
    What am I supposed to wash, exactly?
[19:42] Kagura
    Calm down and feel around with
    your hands. You'll figure it out.
[19:45] Akagami
    I-I don't think hitting myself will
    save me from these worldly thoughts.
[19:51] Kiki
    How does it feel to be in paradise?
[19:54] Akagami
    Clear your mind,
    clear your mind, clear your mind,
[19:57] Akagami
    clear your mind, clear your mind, clear your—
[20:12] Mia
    No!
[20:13] Kiki
    Stop!
[20:15] Kagura
    Oh, no.
[20:18] Akagami
    Those tentacles are preying upon
    you in a most indecent manner!
[20:21] Yuzuki
    Akagami-kun, save us!
[20:23] Akagami
    One moment! I'll be right—
[20:33] Akagami
    Who wants to see this?!
[20:37] Kagura
    Such an unsightly turtle head.
[20:40] Akagami
    Just kill me already.
[20:42] Kagura
    I won't go that far, but...
[21:08] Yuzuki
    Akagami-kun seems to be in a lot of pain.
[21:11] Kiki
    It kind of looks like he's enjoying himself.
[21:13] Tsukuyo
    How? He's stuck in bed with a fever.
[21:16] Mia
    I can't believe he suddenly
    got sick and collapsed.
[21:20] Kurage
    Akagami-san...
[21:22] Yuzuki
    Don't worry. The doctor who came said it's
    just a cold, and he'll get better with rest.
[21:29] Akagami
    Ladies...
[21:31] Akagami
    You mustn't touch that...
[21:34] Kagura
    I wonder what he's dreaming about.
[21:36] Kurage
    If Akagami-san starts sweating,
    should we wipe his body clean again?
[21:41] Yuzuki
    What?
[21:45] Mia
    That was something we had to do together.
[21:50] Mia
    Right, Kagura?
[21:52] Kurage
    Akagami-san's body looked
    just like I learned in health class.
[21:59] Kiki
    You're such a good student, Kurage.
[22:01] Yuzuki
    In any case, let's not tell Akagami-kun
[22:04] Yuzuki
    we wiped every last centimeter
    of his body when he wakes up.
[22:08] Yuzuki
    Okay?
[22:11] Kurage
    Can I write about it in my illustrated diary?
[22:13] Yuzuki
    No!
[22:16] Akagami
    Worldly thoughts, begone...