E2 - I Want to Be a Ninja

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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:17] Kuro
    Surrender and I can guarantee you'll live.
[00:21] Kuro
    You can't think the government
    has a chance against shinobi.
[00:24] Mako
    I have my doubts about you being
    able to win with that attitude.
[00:28] Mako
    This rotating twister dagger...
[00:31] Mako
    is more than capable of piercing
    that blade-proof hoodie of yours.
[00:36] Kuro
    Take a look at the back of your hand.
[00:44] Kuro
    Finally noticed?
[00:47] Kuro
    Did you really think shinobi like us would
[00:49] Kuro
    infiltrate enemy territory
    without fire support?
[00:52] Kuro
    When I give the signal,
    your arm will evaporate.
[00:55] Kuro
    Our reach extends to
    anywhere in the atmosphere...
[01:01] Kuro
    with our "Escape."
[01:11] Hachiya
    Granted, that's a lie.
[01:15] Kato
    The incident this summer where
    someone was cutting off male organs.
[01:21] Kato
    There was a decent amount of talk about it.
SIGN    Shinobin
[01:25] Kato
    The foreigner responsible for it
[01:27] Kato
    made a lot of noise about ninja,
    so the top brass were concerned.
[01:32] Kato
    They selected a handful of Genin
    and sent them after the foreigner.
[01:38] Ozu
    Yeah. I remember it all right.
SIGN    September 9th
[01:42] Ozu
    Because I was the foreigner's
    first point of contact.
SIGN    July 23rd
SIGN    Nimble, invisible.
SIGN    Nightly Japanese agent... ninja.
SIGN    They're everywhere,
    but impossible to find.
SIGN    There's something so philosophical about that.
SIGN    I want to be a ninja.
SIGN    Episode 2: "I Want to Be a Ninja"
[04:01] (Flashback) Foreigner
    Where are you, ninja?
SIGN    Foot and Bicycle Traffic
[04:19] (Flashback) Sasama
    All right, you little squirts!
[04:22] (Flashback) Sasama
    Drink the breast milk!
    Breast milk, fresh from the tap!
[04:28] (Flashback) Kid A
    It's him! It's Mr. Breast Milk!
[04:32] (Flashback) Sasama
    Come on, step right up and
    have a drink! It's breast milk!
[04:35] (Flashback) Sasama
    You can even suck from
    the source, if you want!
[04:42] (Flashback) Foreigner
    Ninja...
SIGN    Wh-What the...
SIGN    Some kind of ninja code?!
SIGN    Why so close to the ground?
SIGN    To keep it hidden from view?!
SIGN    Are there more?!
SIGN    Anything else?!
SIGN    Anywhere!
SIGN    Warning: If you piss here,
    I'll cut your rotten rod off.
SIGN    This is it.
SIGN    Hey, it's you.
SIGN    Kinda surprised you actually called.
SIGN    Me?
SIGN    I'm in Germany.
SIGN    For work.
SIGN    With you having left,
SIGN    there's more to do.
SIGN    So, what do you want?
SIGN    I see it.
SIGN    Warning: If you piss here,
    I'll cut your rotten rod off.
SIGN    No doubt about it.
SIGN    This is a message from the ninja.
SIGN    As for what it means...
SIGN    Whoa.
SIGN    Pardon me.
SIGN    It says to cut the dick off of anyone taking a piss on the wall.
SIGN    Rod is slang for dick.
SIGN    You'll wanna cut two or three off,
SIGN    and then the ninja will make contact with you.
SIGN    Don't mention it. I'm glad to help.
SIGN    If you're able to infiltrate the
    world's greatest order of killers,
SIGN    it only stands to benefit us.
SIGN    And until then, consider your daughter
SIGN    to be in our care.
SIGN    Infants can be quite handy, after all.
SIGN    If I cut three dicks off,
SIGN    I can become a ninja.
SIGN    If I become a ninja,
SIGN    I can save my daughter.
[06:42] (Flashback) Driver
    Ai-chan! You want a lift back to your place?
[06:45] (Flashback) Kawado
    Oh, that's cool. I'm gonna
    drop by the convenience store.
[06:49] (Flashback) Driver
    Okay.
[06:50] (Flashback) Kawado
    Good work today.
[06:53] (Flashback) Kawado
    Y'know, I should probably
    give Ono-san some beer.
[07:02] (Flashback) Old dude
    Hey, girlie, what're you staring at?
[07:05] (Flashback) Old dude
    You some kinda perv,
    sizing up my schlong like that?
[07:08] (Flashback) Old dude
    If you want a better look...
[07:10] (Flashback) Kawado
    Dickhead.
[07:11] (Flashback) Old dude
    Huh?! You want a piece of this?!
[07:13] (Flashback) Kawado
    Dickhead.
[07:14] (Flashback) Old dude
    Hey! Get back here!
[07:15] (Flashback) Kawado
    Dickhead!
[07:16] (Flashback) Old dude
    You got no vocabulary, do you?!
[07:18] (Flashback) Kawado
    Dickhead!
[07:20] Kawado
    Huh, a foreigner.
[07:28] (Flashback) Ono
    That stupid girl...
[07:31] (Flashback) Ono
    She chugs all of my beer,
[07:35] (Flashback) Ono
    and then accuses me
    of stealing her underwear!
[07:38] (Flashback) Kuro
    Ono-san!
[07:40] (Flashback) Kuro
    Why are you wearing Kawado-san's bra?
[07:45] (Flashback) Kuro
    Why don't you tell me all
    about it over some drinks?
[07:48] (Flashback) Ono
    W-Well, actually, Kawado-san drank
    all my booze, so I've got none...
[07:54] (Flashback) Kuro
    Oh, don't worry.
[07:56] (Flashback) Kuro
    There's that plum brandy
    underneath the kitchenette
[07:59] (Flashback) Kuro
    that your elderly mom sends you every year.
[08:03] (Flashback) Ono
    How do you know about that?!
[08:06] (Flashback) Kuro
    Well, cheers.
[08:08] (Flashback) Ono
    Well... sure. Cheers.
[08:16] (Flashback) Kuro
    Missus Ono's plum brandy really hits the spot!
[08:20] (Flashback) Kuro
    I think I'll have some more.
[08:22] (Flashback) Kuro
    Oh, don't mind me. I can pour it myself.
[08:27] (Flashback) Ono
    How exactly are you familiar
    with its taste, anyway?
[08:34] (Flashback) Kuro
    So, regarding this bra situation...
[08:40] (Flashback) Ono
    Well... it was about two weeks ago.
[08:44] (Flashback) Ono
    Since I had been fired from my
    old job, I was drunk off my ass,
[08:47] (Flashback) Ono
    and on my way back to the apartment.
[08:51] (Flashback) Ono
    That evening, it was weirdly hot.
[08:54] (Flashback) Ono
    There was no breeze at all.
    Just an overall creepy night.
[08:58] (Flashback) Ono
    And when I glanced upward at random...
[09:03] (Flashback) Ono
    There was a bra flying in the sky!
[09:07] (Flashback) Ono
    You can imagine how shocked I was!
[09:10] (Flashback) Ono
    And as disturbing a sight
    as it was, I jumped after it!
[09:15] (Flashback) Ono
    But when I caught it, I got the
    feeling someone was watching me.
[09:20] (Flashback) Ono
    So, despite being creeped out the entire time...
[09:24] (Flashback) Ono
    I cast my gaze downward.
[09:30] (Flashback) Ono
    And there he was! Between
    the apartment and the wall!
[09:34] (Flashback) Ono
    He was white as a sheet, and staring
    at me with his eyes wide open!
[09:39] (Flashback) Ono
    It was the ghost of a little boy!
[09:43] (Flashback) Kuro
    I think that was probably just some
    freshly pubescent neighborhood kid
[09:48] (Flashback) Kuro
    who was flying a drone, actually.
[09:51] (Flashback) Kuro
    He's been peeping on Kawado-san's
    room pretty regularly.
[09:55] (Flashback) Kuro
    I guess he's upgraded to stealing underwear.
[09:58] (Flashback) Ono
    Don't you think that's the kind of thing
    you should tell Kawado-san?!
[10:01] (Flashback) Kuro
    More importantly, if you'd explained what
    happened and returned the bra to Kawado-san,
[10:06] (Flashback) Kuro
    wouldn't that have avoided any issues?
[10:10] (Flashback) Ono
    Th-The thing is... I rushed
    inside my room, terrified.
[10:18] (Flashback) Ono
    And then I suddenly felt nauseous...
    and the bra was there, so...
[10:23] (Flashback) Ono
    Now, I did take it to the laundromat
    to clean it the next day!
[10:27] (Flashback) Ono
    But I realized... Wouldn't it be even
    weirder if I returned it freshly washed?
[10:31] (Flashback) Ono
    So I've been unable to give it back...
[10:34] (Flashback) Kuro
    Ono-san... That doesn't explain
    why you're wearing it, though.
SIGN    I want to be a ninja
[10:46] News
    Last night, a man was assaulted
    on the street in 2-chome
[10:49] News
    in Nerima Ward's Koinu neighborhood.
[10:53] News
    The victim was seriously injured,
[10:54] News
    and the police are treating the
    incident as randomly targeted.
[10:55] (Flashback) Kawado
    So tired...
[10:59] News
    And now, our next story.
[11:00] (Flashback) Kawado
    That's close by.
SIGN    Late July 24th
[11:06] Sasama
    Not getting a lot of pressure
    out of my stream tonight...
[11:12] Narrator
    Despite it being for a mission, he was
    reluctant to grab another man's organ.
[11:18] Narrator
    Thus, he would think back to the oden
    he had eaten on his first day in Japan,
[11:23] Narrator
    in order to better execute his task.
[11:26] Narrator
    By imagining the penis as a
    fried tofu pouch wiener roll,
[11:30] Narrator
    he was able to dull his sense of revulsion...
[11:33] Narrator
    But he soon realized his mistake.
[11:37] Narrator
    The shaft that he had been imagining as a
    piece of oden... was actually a piece of oden.
[11:44] (Flashback) Foreigner
    He'll get behind me!
[11:46] (Flashback) Foreigner
    Or not?!
[12:00] (Flashback) Sasama
    Not moving the way I'd like to...
[12:02] Foreigner
    A ninja.
[12:04] Foreigner
    I thought I would need three dicks, but...
[12:06] Foreigner
    I've managed to make contact.
[12:09] Foreigner
    What is this feeling of elation?
[12:11] Foreigner
    Is it the joy of getting to fight a member
    of the world's greatest league of killers?
[12:16] Sasama
    A karambit knife?
    Some Russian assassin, then?
[12:20] Foreigner
    For a moment... even
    if it was just a moment...
[12:23] Foreigner
    That thrill was stronger than
    my dedication to my daughter!
[13:13] Foreigner
    I need to be cautious of
    those tricky ninja moves.
[13:18] Foreigner
    Gotta think of him as moving
    in 3D, not just on a plane.
[13:40] (Flashback) Sasama
    Om anichi...
[13:43] (Flashback) Sasama
    Marishiei...
[13:46] (Flashback) Sasama
    Sowaka.
SIGN    He vanished?!
SIGN    But just the torso?!
SIGN    That must be ninjutsu...
SIGN    A camouflage technique, maybe.
SIGN    My attacks amounted to nothing...
SIGN    Ninja live up to their reputation.
SIGN    The same day, 8 hours prior
[14:21] (Flashback) Kuro
    I'm not getting much from wearing this.
[14:25] (Flashback) Kuro
    Bras really are more fun to take
    off someone else than wear yourself.
[14:29] (Flashback) Kuro
    Y'know, I've never had the desire
    to steal one before...
[14:33] (Flashback) Kuro
    Yet, once Ono-san was gone, I had the
    urge to grab this without asking him.
[14:37] (Flashback) Kuro
    Is it just their inherent charm?
[14:41] (Flashback) Kato
    You seem bored.
[14:49] (Flashback) Kato
    And you talk to yourself. A lot.
[14:51] (Flashback) Kato
    You haven't spilled any classified
    information like that, have you?
[14:54] (Flashback) Kuro
    Of course not!
[14:56] (Flashback) Kuro
    This is just... rehearsing
    the kind of act to put on
[14:58] (Flashback) Kuro
    when I want to play a weirdo
    that people want distance from.
[15:04] (Flashback) Kato
    So that hoodie was inside the
    package I gave you last time?
[15:09] (Flashback) Kuro
    Oh, right. Along with a high school uniform...
[15:13] Kato
    Looks like it's blade-proof and bulletproof.
SIGN    Marishiten
[15:18] Kato
    Marishiten 4.0?
[15:26] (Flashback) Kuro
    So... want anything to drink?
[15:29] (Flashback) Kato
    I'm not in the mood to be served
    drinks by someone dressed like you.
[15:32] (Flashback) Kato
    I want an update on the progress of your job.
[15:35] (Flashback) Kuro
    Right.
[15:36] (Flashback) Kuro
    After opening the package I received,
[15:38] (Flashback) Kuro
    I discerned that the mission was
    to infiltrate a high school...
[15:41] (Flashback) Kuro
    So I've been on standby at home until
    the entrance exam, which is this Saturday.
[15:46] (Flashback) Kato
    I see. That means you've got
    three days of free time, then?
[15:51] (Flashback) Kato
    Have you heard of the Nerima Slasher?
[15:53] (Flashback) Kuro
    Yeah, from the web.
    Something about dicks getting cut off?
[15:58] (Flashback) Kato
    Your job...
[16:00] (Flashback) Kato
    is to dispose of him within three days.
[16:08] Kuro
    That career ninja froze for a
    second when he saw the hoodie.
[16:13] Kuro
    There must be something more to it.
[16:21] Kuro
    Om anichi marishiei sowaka.
[16:29] Mako
    Ridiculous. Is that the
    latest Marishiten model?
[16:32] Mako
    The Metro PD's leaks were accurate.
[16:34] Mako
    It only conceals the upper body,
    with the rest being clear as day.
[16:58] Kato
    Say, Ozu...
[17:00] Kato
    You ever seen a Marishisten 4.0?
[17:03] Ozu
    No. Don't they only go
    to front-line operators?
[17:07] Kato
    You'd think so.
[17:10] Kato
    Sasama-san was hinting
    about this on that day...
SIGN    September 9th
SIGN    July 25th
[17:24] (Flashback) Junna
    Blue hoodie...
[17:27] (Flashback) Junna
    A foreigner with blond hair and glasses...
[17:30] (Flashback) Junna
    In a blue hoodie...
[17:33] (Flashback) Sasama
    Whatcha looking for?
[17:35] (Flashback) Junna
    None of your business, Mr. Breast Milk!
[17:37] (Flashback) Sasama
    You been eating properly?
[17:40] (Flashback) Junna
    Sure have. Steak, and pasta
    Napolitan, and fried oysters...
[17:44] (Flashback) Junna
    But the thing is, I'm on a diet.
[17:47] (Flashback) Sasama
    A diet?
[17:51] (Flashback) Sasama
    Little kids gotta eat, drink, and poop plenty!
[17:55] (Flashback) Sasama
    Here, have some breast milk!
[17:57] (Flashback) Junna
    Ew, there it is! The breast milk!
[18:00] (Flashback) Sasama
    So a kid is looking for the foreigner...
[18:04] (Flashback) Sasama
    But on whose orders?
[18:11] (Flashback) Junna
    Blue hoodie, blond with glasses...
[18:19] (Flashback) Junna
    I found the foreigner!
[18:20] (Flashback) Junna
    Now he'll let me borrow the drone!
[18:23] (Flashback) Foreigner
    Are you a ninja?
[18:27] (Flashback) Junna
    I'm not a ninja. I'm playing hide-and-seek.
[18:29] (Flashback) Foreigner
    Hide and... seek?
[18:32] (Flashback) Junna
    I found you, Mr. Foreigner, so you lose!
[18:36] (Flashback) Foreigner
    I lost?
[18:37] (Flashback) Foreigner
    Yes, I have indeed lost. I even used a gun...
[18:42] (Flashback) Foreigner
    But I wasn't able to defeat
    a ninja in urban combat.
[18:46] (Flashback) Foreigner
    Could you please bring me
    my matsugo no mizu?
[18:50] (Flashback) Junna
    What the heck is that?
    Some water from Matsuko?
[18:53] (Flashback) Foreigner
    No, it's... a last drink of water before dying.
[18:59] (Flashback) Junna
    Sure, here you go.
[19:05] (Flashback) Foreigner
    I feel alive again.
[19:07] (Flashback) Junna
    Dying and reviving! You sure keep busy.
[19:10] (Flashback) Foreigner
    How old are you?
[19:15] (Flashback) Junna
    I'm ten.
[19:17] (Flashback) Foreigner
    Ten years old...
[19:19] (Flashback) Foreigner
    My daughter was just born recently.
[19:24] (Flashback) Foreigner
    I wanted to watch her grow up.
[19:28] (Flashback) Foreigner
    But... I doubt I'll ever see her again.
[19:31] (Flashback) Junna
    Why?
[19:32] (Flashback) Foreigner
    Because I failed my mission.
[19:36] (Flashback) Foreigner
    The ninja won't let me escape...
[19:39] (Flashback) Foreigner
    And my employers won't forgive my failure.
[19:44] (Flashback) Junna
    But why?! Come on! It'll be okay!
[19:47] (Flashback) Junna
    Just leave it to me!
[19:49] (Flashback) Foreigner
    Th-Thank you, but...
    please don't shake the shrine.
[19:57] (Flashback) Kato
    It's good to see you again, Sasama-san.
[20:01] (Flashback) Sasama
    Kato... Want some breast milk?
[20:04] (Flashback) Kato
    No, thank you.
[20:08] (Flashback) Kato
    Sasama-san...
[20:10] (Flashback) Kato
    Why did you step down?
[20:14] (Flashback) Sasama
    The fighting in Timbuktu was nasty.
[20:18] (Flashback) Sasama
    Surrounded on all sides,
    kilometers deep. Nowhere to run.
[20:22] (Flashback) Sasama
    Kato, you're one of the few
    people I trust to watch my back.
[20:28] (Flashback) Sasama
    I thought having you guys at my back
    would let me move forward,
[20:32] (Flashback) Sasama
    so I opened the doors in front of me.
[20:35] (Flashback) Sasama
    I kept doing that, and after every door,
    there were only more doors. Never an exit.
[20:42] (Flashback) Sasama
    It was depressing, Kato.
[20:45] (Flashback) Sasama
    Have some breast milk. It's nutritious.
[20:49] (Flashback) Kato
    Is this your way of criticizing
    the organization?
[20:54] (Flashback) Kato
    First Class Ninja Sasama.
[20:58] (Flashback) Sasama
    Former, actually.
[21:01] (Flashback) Sasama
    It's been seventy years
    since the war ended,
[21:03] (Flashback) Sasama
    but the Prime Minister still hasn't made
    use of his priority command over us.
[21:10] (Flashback) Sasama
    There are 290,000 police officers,
    230,000 JSDF officers,
[21:15] (Flashback) Sasama
    and 200,000 of us.
[21:18] (Flashback) Sasama
    So how is it that over 90%
    of our numbers are in Japan?
[21:22] (Flashback) Sasama
    Why is it that the top of the Chunin class
    have been recalled from overseas duty,
[21:27] (Flashback) Sasama
    and stuck working on missions
    inside our borders?
[21:31] (Flashback) Sasama
    Why is a militarized organization of our size
    not under civilian control by the government?
[21:38] (Flashback) Kato
    UN.
[21:41] (Flashback) Sasama
    Exactly. All of these questions
    lead to the same thing.
[21:52] (Flashback) Sasama
    Under Ninja.
[22:02] Kato
    Gone already.
[22:04] Kato
    But things are starting to get dicey...
[22:12] Ozu
    Something wrong, Kato?
[22:16] Kato
    No... It's nothing.
SIGN    Episode 3: "Boobs: So Close, Yet So Far"
[23:55] Kuro
    Ono is apparently the 70th most
    common family name in Japan.
[23:58] Ono
    That's so half-assed...
    Makes me wanna say, "Oh, no!"
[24:02] Kuro
    Wow. That was annoying.
    I think I'll tell her about the bra.
[24:04] Ono
    Please, not that!
[24:06] Kuro
    See, that was when you
    should've said, "Oh, no!"
[24:08] Ono
    You're a funny guy.