E1 - Throw a Rock, Hit a Ninja

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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:05] Captain
    Get ready. Go!
[00:17] Delta 1
    Clear!
[00:18] Delta 2
    Clear!
[00:19] Delta 3
    Clear!
[00:19] Delta 4
    All clear!
[00:21] Captain
    Here!
[00:27] Captain
    Rock 'n' roll!
[00:31] Captain
    Freeze! Hands up!
[00:34] Delta 1
    Shit, what the hell is this?
[00:37] Delta 2
    Is it a bomb?
[00:39] Captain
    Nah, it ain't a bomb. It's a sword.
[00:42] Captain
    Look carefully.
[00:43] Captain
    His thumb for pressing the phone's
    detonation button and his head
[00:47] Captain
    got slashed off by a sword.
[00:50] Captain
    Nobody else can do this but ninja.
[00:53] Captain
    Look what's on the corner of the desk.
[00:57] Captain
    It's an origami.
[00:59] Delta 1
    Ninja... I wanted to see them for real.
[01:02] Captain
    Are you kidding me? You wanna die?
[01:05] Captain
    Thank God and your mommy
    you didn't see them.
[01:14] Hibi
    Mind the pipe.
[01:16] Hibi
    It's surprisingly easy to trip on.
[01:18] Kuro
    Uh-huh.
[01:31] Hibi
    Looks like we're all here.
[03:06] Hibi
    Careful. There's gum on the ground.
SIGN    Episode 1: Throw a Rock, Hit a Ninja
[03:09] Kuro
    Yeah.
[03:10] Hibi
    It's been a long time, Kumogakure Kuro.
[03:14] Hibi
    Then again, I guess I saw you at that
    run-down apartment the other day.
[03:17] Hibi
    You've always been great at
    escaping and staying hidden.
[03:24] Kuro
    Your burns from the lightning
    strike healed, Hibi?
[03:30] Hibi
    I'm covering it up with makeup, man.
[03:32] Hibi
    But the scars won't heal
    until I take you down.
[03:37] Hibi
    Which I wouldn't mind doing right now.
[03:41] Hibi
    Are you listening?
[03:43] Kuro
    Hang on, my dick's kinda...
[03:46] Kuro
    Oh, damn it. I stepped on the gum.
[03:51] Kuro
    I noticed you staring.
[03:54] Kuro
    What's your real name?
[03:55] Suzuki
    Wait, me?
[03:57] Suzuki
    I've got a bunch of Ninja Handles, but...
[04:00] Suzuki
    My real name's Suzuki.
[04:02] Kuro
    Suzuki...
[04:04] Kuro
    The second most common
    name in the country. You win.
[04:07] Kuro
    Well, Hibi is, like, 1,500th,
    so he can't compete.
[04:11] Kuro
    1,500th... Pfft.
[04:15] Kuro
    So, you guys ask me to come to
    this roof, which is super visible...
[04:19] Kuro
    Are you stupid or something?
[04:21] Hibi
    I mean, isn't the normal routine to gather
    everybody and have a cool-looking pose-off?
[04:26] Kuro
    We're not in Jump, man.
[04:28] Kuro
    A sniper could take us all out.
    Let's call it a day already.
[04:31] Suzuki
    Wait, really?
[04:33] Suzuki
    I don't read manga.
[04:35] Hachiya
    I'm not familiar, either.
[04:37] Hibi
    I've always wanted to assemble
    the team like this, though...
[04:40] Hachiya
    I get what you're saying, Kuro-san,
[04:43] Hachiya
    but take a look over there.
[04:47] Hachiya
    The enemy's assembled, too.
[04:49] Kuro
    So they're just as stupid?
[04:54] Kuro
    Who're we dealing with here, Hachiya?
[04:57] Hachiya
    The Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare's
    Rear Support Maneuvers Division 2.
[05:00] Hachiya
    They're called the Rear-Enders.
[05:04] Kuro
    Hachiya...
[05:06] Kuro
    Does anyone actually do
    ganguro-style fashion anymore?
[05:09] Hachiya
    This is bad. They're
    definitely coming after us.
[05:12] Hibi
    Then I'll make the first move.
[05:16] Kuro
    Seriously, quit acting like we're in Jump.
[05:19] Kuro
    Who's the strongest one here?
[05:24] Hachiya
    Well, definitely not me.
[05:27] Kuro
    Ultimately, results are all
    that matters with shinobi.
[05:30] Kuro
    I beat the dick-slicing foreigner,
    so that makes me strongest.
[05:34] Kuro
    If I take their strongest
    fighter out, this'll be over.
[05:38] Kuro
    Hachiya, who's their strongest?
[05:42] Hachiya
    Going by their builds, probably her.
[05:46] Kuro
    Nah. Usually you can count on
    the biggest to be number two.
[05:50] Kuro
    Number one's gotta be her.
[05:54] Kuro
    She'll have some kind of
    ultimate form, like Frieza,
[05:57] Kuro
    that'll result in a simpler design.
[06:00] Hibi
    You actually love Jump, don't you, Kuro?
SIGN    You've got a laser pointer, don't you?
SIGN    The school's got ears everywhere.
SIGN    I've got one, but what do you need it for?
SIGN    And yeah, I know.
SIGN    Be ready for my signal. And good.
SIGN    You'll want to hit her arm with the laser.
SIGN    The real enemy is the director.
SIGN    Yeah, that makes sense.
[06:26] Kuro
    All right, I'm heading out.
[06:29] Hachiya
    Be careful.
[06:32] Kuro
    Down we go...
[06:39] Kuro
    How'd it even come to this?
SIGN    September 9th
SIGN    July 22nd
[06:57] (Flashback) Kuro
    Seven out of ten.
[07:11] (Flashback) Kuro
    Four out of ten.
[07:22] (Flashback) Kuro
    Zero out of ten.
[07:29] (Flashback) Kuro
    I'm so bored.
[07:32] (Flashback) Kato
    Sure seems like it.
[07:41] (Flashback) Kato
    What is this? Assassination practice?
[07:44] (Flashback) Kuro
    N-No! Nothing that fancy.
[07:47] (Flashback) Kato
    I'm coming in.
[07:48] (Flashback) Kuro
    Yeah, please, go right ahead!
[07:53] (Flashback) Kato
    It's so damn hot.
[07:55] (Flashback) Kuro
    S-Sure is.
[07:57] Kuro
    I didn't notice him at all...
[08:00] Kuro
    He must be a career ninja.
[08:06] (Flashback) Kato
    You not gonna offer me a cold drink?
[08:09] (Flashback) Kuro
    Sorry about that!
[08:10] (Flashback) Kato
    I was joking. I already saw there was no fridge.
[08:15] (Flashback) Kuro
    I, uh, share a fridge with the
    person in the next room over...
[08:20] (Flashback) Kato
    Lately, so many non-career ninja
    have been failing to get any jobs
[08:24] (Flashback) Kato
    that there've been rumors of
    some making a break for it.
[08:29] (Flashback) Kato
    So, despite the extra work, we've been
    making the rounds to check on them.
[08:32] (Flashback) Kuro
    S-Sir, I would never consider running away!
[08:35] (Flashback) Kuro
    All I need is a job, and I'll work my butt off.
[08:38] (Flashback) Kato
    It's no skin off the organization's ass
    how many of you run off, really.
[08:44] (Flashback) Kuro
    That's fair, yeah.
[08:46] (Flashback) Kato
    Regulations are what they are, though.
[08:49] (Flashback) Kato
    Remember that any attempt
    to escape will get you erased.
[08:52] (Flashback) Kuro
    O-Of course, sir.
[08:56] (Flashback) Kato
    So...
[09:01] (Flashback) Kato
    I have a job for you.
[09:03] (Flashback) Kuro
    Y-You do? What is it?
[09:06] (Flashback) Kuro
    Oh, I have to figure that
    out myself, right? Okay.
[09:11] (Flashback) Kato
    I have to say, the famous Kumogakure
    clan has really fallen off.
[09:30] (Flashback) Kato
    What's this? Going for my eyes?
[09:32] (Flashback) Kuro
    N-No, it's just...
[09:35] (Flashback) Kuro
    The toothpick in the ceiling fell.
[09:38] (Flashback) Kato
    Oh, this?
[09:44] (Flashback) Kato
    I'd say that's a ten out of ten.
[09:50] (Flashback) Kuro
    Holy shit...
[09:52] (Flashback) Kuro
    Well, the box seems normal enough.
[09:55] (Flashback) Kuro
    A blazer? Seems like part of a school uniform.
[09:58] (Flashback) Kuro
    And it comes with a hoodie...
[10:01] (Flashback) Kuro
    Why, though?
[10:20] (Flashback) Kuro
    Huh...
[10:24] (Flashback) Kuro
    I get it. Dress for the ninja jobs you want.
[10:32] (Flashback) Kuro
    I guess I'm supposed to
    infiltrate this school.
[10:40] School worker
    Hello, this is Kodan High School.
[10:43] Kuro
    That was a close one.
[10:44] Kuro
    Just remembered that parents usually
    handle the transfer process.
[10:48] Kuro
    I could claim to be the father, but that'd
    seem out of place with the time of day.
[10:53] Kuro
    It'd make more sense for the mother to call.
[10:56] Kuro
    Unless specified otherwise,
[10:58] Kuro
    a Genin is supposed to move
    as soon as an order is received.
[11:02] Kuro
    This lady's the only woman
    in this apartment complex...
[11:06] Kuro
    and she's not around.
[11:08] Kuro
    And is it really wise to leave your window
    wide open with your underwear out to dry?
[11:16] (Flashback) Kuro
    Kawado-san? You in?
[11:21] (Flashback) Kawado
    Hey, Kumogakure-kun,
    can you get me some toilet paper?
[11:27] (Flashback) Kuro
    Uh, sure, okay.
[11:29] (Flashback) Kuro
    Where do you keep it, again?
[11:35] (Flashback) Kawado
    It's in the damn bathroom, obviously!
[11:39] (Flashback) Kuro
    Couldn't you get it yourself, then?
[11:42] (Flashback) Kawado
    I obviously can't! Why is this
    old dump laid out like this?!
[11:47] (Flashback) Kawado
    And who the fuck leaves
    the toilet paper so far away?!
[11:50] Kawado
    That piece-of-shit landlord!
    Does he not wipe his ass?!
[11:54] (Flashback) Kuro
    Well, she's obviously hammered.
[11:54] Kawado
    This is bullshit!
[11:56] (Flashback) Kuro
    But considering I don't have
    anyone else I can ask...
[12:01] (Flashback) Kawado
    You can come in,
    but if you look, you're dead.
[12:04] (Flashback) Kawado
    I'll have you cast out of society!
[12:07] Kuro
    Oh, so that's how it's gonna be, huh?
[12:12] Kuro
    I am a shinobi.
[12:14] Kuro
    And I make the impossible possible.
[12:33] (Flashback) Kuro
    Here you go.
[12:39] (Flashback) Kawado
    Quit looking!
[12:44] (Flashback) Kawado
    Hello? Is this Kodan High School?
[12:48] (Flashback) Kawado
    It's me! Y'know, me?
[12:51] (Flashback) Kawado
    Come on, who else could it be?
    Now gimme whoever's in charge.
[12:56] (Flashback) Kawado
    What for? C'mon, you know why!
[12:59] (Flashback) Kawado
    It's because my son's
    going to enroll over there!
[13:05] (Flashback) Kuro
    Huh? Well, she's had
    a little bit to drink, yes.
[13:09] (Flashback) Kuro
    She's not normally this bad.
[13:12] (Flashback) Kuro
    Yes. I'm fine.
[13:15] (Flashback) Kuro
    Thanks for your help.
[13:17] (Flashback) Kuro
    Kawado-san.
[13:18] (Flashback) Kuro
    Masterful performance. I appreciate it.
[13:22] (Flashback) Kuro
    You helped create a really
    convincing family background.
[13:24] (Flashback) Kawado
    Oh, for real?
[13:26] (Flashback) Kawado
    I played a stepmother a lot
    at the role-playing club, so...
[13:31] (Flashback) Kuro
    Bravo.
[13:33] (Flashback) Kawado
    Okay, now drinks are on you,
    like you promised!
[13:41] (Flashback) Kuro
    Gonna need to borrow these, Ono-san.
[13:47] (Flashback) Kuro
    Here. Beer.
[13:49] (Flashback) Kuro
    Just the one, though.
[13:51] (Flashback) Kawado
    How come your room is
    connected to your neighbor's?
[13:55] (Flashback) Kuro
    Not sure. It's been like that since I moved in.
[14:00] (Flashback) Kuro
    Thanks to that, I don't
    need my own refrigerator.
[14:03] (Flashback) Kuro
    So, the entrance exam seems to have
    a minimum English score required...
[14:07] (Flashback) Kuro
    How hard would that be for
    the second year of high school?
[14:13] (Flashback) Kawado
    You're really gonna ask me, when I
    dropped out three days into high school?
[14:18] (Flashback) Kuro
    Sorry.
[14:19] (Flashback) Kuro
    I never attended class myself.
[14:23] (Flashback) Kawado
    Come to think of it, where is your mom?
[14:26] (Flashback) Kuro
    According to my father, she said "trouble's
    here" after I was born and then was gone.
SIGN    Mother:
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Father:
SIGN    Trouble (Kuro) is here.
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Kuro (9th son) is here.
[14:33] (Flashback) Kuro
    But my father misheard her,
[14:36] (Flashback) Kuro
    and ended up signing the paperwork
    under the wrong impression.
[14:39] (Flashback) Kawado
    Wait, that's why your name is Kuro?
[14:43] (Flashback) Kuro
    Yep.
[14:44] (Flashback) Kawado
    Not because you're the youngest out of nine?
[14:48] (Flashback) Kuro
    I'm an only child.
[14:52] (Flashback) Kuro
    I was actually best friends
    in middle school with a guy
[14:56] (Flashback) Kuro
    whose name was "Miracle,"
    written with the kanji for "kiseki."
[14:59] (Flashback) Kuro
    But he died in a lightning strike.
[15:06] (Flashback) Kuro
    It's actually a sad story...
[15:08] (Flashback) Kawado
    Oh, my sides!
[15:11] (Flashback) Kawado
    How old are you, anyway?!
[15:13] (Flashback) Kuro
    Seventeen years old.
[15:18] (Flashback) Kawado
    I-I could've sworn you were older!
[15:21] (Flashback) Kawado
    When I sleep, it's usually on
    the upper shelf in the closet,
[15:24] (Flashback) Kawado
    with Ono-san on the floor.
[15:26] (Flashback) Kawado
    Like Doraemon?
[15:29] (Flashback) Kuro
    Oh, here it comes, here it comes...
[15:32] (Flashback) Kuro
    Watch this.
[15:35] (Flashback) Kawado
    Nailed it!
[15:57] (Flashback) Kuro
    Thanks for the drinks.
[15:59] (Flashback) Ono
    Oh, what a relief! I've got some work!
[16:07] (Flashback) Ono
    Time for a celebratory beer!
[16:12] (Flashback) Ono
    I could've sworn I just saw someone.
[16:27] (Flashback) Ono
    Hey! Kumogakure-kun, what the heck?
[16:30] (Flashback) Ono
    Did you drink all my beer?!
[16:34] (Flashback) Ono
    Huh? He's gone.
[16:38] (Flashback) Ono
    You're the one who drank all
    my precious beer, aren't you?!
[16:42] (Flashback) Kawado
    I don't know what you're talking about.
[16:45] (Flashback) Ono
    I've got the evidence right here.
SIGN    Ono
[16:47] (Flashback) Ono
    I wrote this! And I found
    the can in your room!
[16:52] (Flashback) Kawado
    Ono is a name I used
    when I worked as a hostess.
[16:56] (Flashback) Ono
    Oh, come on! Don't lie!
[16:58] (Flashback) Ono
    I can go to the police
    about this, you realize?!
[17:02] (Flashback) Kawado
    The cops? That works out perfect.
[17:04] (Flashback) Kawado
    I can tell them how you stole my underwear.
[17:09] (Flashback) Ono
    I did no such thing!
[17:12] (Flashback) Kawado
    Then where the hell are they?
[17:36] Kato
    I see.
[17:37] Kato
    So the top brass want to deal
    with the MHLW's Rear-Enders.
[17:43] Kato
    And why wasn't I told about this?
[17:46] Ozu
    Partly because you don't take apprentices.
[17:49] Kato
    What about Onikobe?
[17:51] Ozu
    The woman's a serial killer.
[17:53] Ozu
    She's too dangerous to let into the country.
[17:55] Ozu
    More importantly, out of the four
    Genin we sent into Kodan High School,
SIGN    Shinobin
[18:00] Ozu
    three were taught personally by us Chunin.
[18:04] Ozu
    But Kumogakure Kuro's
    got no record to speak of.
[18:11] Ozu
    So I checked his file to see
    what he's done before...
[18:15] Ozu
    And what the hell is this?
[18:17] Ozu
    He spends his days lazing
    about a run-down apartment.
[18:21] Ozu
    Sometimes he leeches beer off
    his neighbor and goes into hiding.
[18:25] Ozu
    You sure this kid isn't just some NEET?
[18:35] Kato
    But it was Kumogakure Kuro
    who took that foreigner down.
SIGN    September 9th
SIGN    July 23rd
[18:53] (Flashback) Ozu
    Well, what can I help you with?
[18:57] (Flashback) Foreigner
    Yes. Where do I find ninja?
[19:03] (Flashback) Ozu
    Do you understand Japanese?
[19:05] (Flashback) Foreigner
    Yes.
[19:06] (Flashback) Foreigner
    Little bit.
[19:08] (Flashback) Foreigner
    Kanji is very hard.
[19:11] (Flashback) Foreigner
    I come to Japan to become ninja.
[19:15] (Flashback) Ozu
    Yeah, okay, I see that.
[19:18] (Flashback) Ozu
    We actually get a lot of
    foreigners asking about that.
[19:21] (Flashback) Foreigner
    So, where can I meet a ninja?
[19:25] (Flashback) Ozu
    Well, one's right behind you.
[19:31] (Flashback) Foreigner
    Ninja! Where are you?
[19:34] (Flashback) Foreigner
    Is it you?
[19:36] (Flashback) Foreigner
    Or him?
[19:37] (Flashback) Foreigner
    Who is it?
[19:39] (Flashback) Ozu
    Whoa, hey! Don't swing that sword around!
[19:42] (Flashback) Foreigner
    No.
[19:44] (Flashback) Foreigner
    This is an umbrella. I buy in Asakusa.
[19:48] (Flashback) Ozu
    I noticed, but it's still dangerous, okay?
[19:52] (Flashback) Ozu
    There's a Japanese saying...
[19:58] (Flashback) Ozu
    "Throw a stone, and you'll hit a ninja."
[20:02] (Flashback) Foreigner
    I know the saying.
[20:04] (Flashback) Foreigner
    What does it mean?
[20:06] (Flashback) Ozu
    It means there are so many ninja around,
    you can throw a rock at random and hit one.
[20:11] (Flashback) Ozu
    That's what.
[20:14] (Flashback) Foreigner
    Where are they?!
[20:15] (Flashback) Ozu
    Easy there. There's more to the saying.
[20:19] (Flashback) Ozu
    "Throw a stone, and you'll hit a ninja...
[20:22] (Flashback) Ozu
    but you won't know who it hit.
[20:25] (Flashback) Ozu
    They're everywhere, and nobody knows."
[20:29] (Flashback) Ozu
    That's how ninja are.
[20:31] (Flashback) Ozu
    You won't find any ninja in Japan who
    actually look like ninja, the way you do.
[20:36] (Flashback) Foreigner
    Ninja...
[20:40] Narrator
    After the war in the Pacific
    theater drew to a close,
[20:43] Narrator
    upon arriving in Japan, the Allied General
    Headquarters issued Special Order 1,
[20:49] Narrator
    demanding the Imperial forces
    and Ministry of Home Affairs
[20:52] Narrator
    provide the roster of affiliated ninja,
    along with their surrender.
[20:57] Narrator
    Securing the Japanese ninja,
    who had been the most consistent threat
[21:00] Narrator
    over the course of the war
    to the Allied powers,
[21:02] Narrator
    was considered to be crucial to the US,
[21:05] Narrator
    establishing their superpower
    position in the post-war status quo.
[21:09] Narrator
    In fact, while he was stationed in Japan,
    MacArthur had come under attack by ninja,
[21:14] Narrator
    only for the situation to be resolved
    by a faction of pro-American ninja.
[21:20] Narrator
    Ultimately, however, the majority of ninja
    organizations were dissolved by the GHQ.
[21:27] Narrator
    But in the seven decades following the war,
[21:30] Narrator
    the world entered an era of religious
    and ethnic wars, as well as terrorism.
[21:37] Narrator
    The ninja, thought extinct,
[21:40] Narrator
    would demonstrate their abilities
    on the front lines of these conflicts,
[21:43] Narrator
    performing assassination and
    sabotage missions in absolute secrecy.
[21:48] Narrator
    And these numerous ninja have infiltrated
[21:51] Narrator
    the majority of Japan's public
    and private institutions,
[21:56] Narrator
    where they monitor the people in secret.
[22:01] (Flashback) Kato
    Got a delivery here.
[22:09] Narration
    The ninja had survived.
[22:13] Narration
    They are rumored to number 200,000.
[22:17] Narration
    Ninja still exist in Japan to this day.
SIGN    Episode 2: I Want to Be a Ninja
[23:56] Kuro
    Kato's the tenth most common
    family name in Japan, you know.
[23:59] Kato
    Your point is?
[24:00] Kuro
    I just barely win.
[24:02] Kuro
    Since Kumogakure is within the top nine
    most common family names in Japan.
[24:07] Kato
    No, I really doubt that.