E3 - Despite the terrible time he's been having...

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:01] Alvin
    Behold, the vast world in which we live!
[00:04] Alvin
    It is rampant with monsters
    that threaten human life.
[00:10] Alvin
    This threat is opposed by
    countless adventurers! Heroes!
[00:17] Alvin
    Every day, they face these
    dangerous battles...
[00:21] Alvin
    To protect the people! To protect the world!
[00:27] Alvin
    And I, Alvin, am one of them!
[00:32] Alvin
    Now in a party with Carla, the healer,
[00:35] Alvin
    my journey continues!
SIGN    Don't Hurt Me,
SIGN    Don't Hurt Me,
SIGN    My Healer!
SIGN    Despite the terrible time he's been having...
[02:12] Alvin
    There's something I've been wondering.
[02:15] Carla
    What is it?
[02:16] Carla
    This is very out of the indigo.
[02:19] Alvin
    Are you really a healer?
[02:29] Alvin
    I'm talking to you, Carla-san.
[02:32] Carla
    Me? Of all people?
[02:34] Alvin
    Who else could there be?
[02:36] Carla
    Where is this coming from?
[02:37] Carla
    Are you suggesting I'm not very healer-like?
[02:39] Carla
    What's not healery about me?
[02:40] Alvin
    Everything?
[02:41] Carla
    But I'm so kind!
[02:43] Alvin
    Objection.
[02:44] Carla
    Overflowing with motherly instinct!
[02:46] Alvin
    Objection.
[02:47] Carla
    Who could ever doubt someone
    so soothing to the soul?!
[02:50] Alvin
    Major bottleneck of objections here!
[02:51] Carla
    Then let me ask you a question, Alvin-san.
[02:53] Carla
    What do you think a healer should be like?
[02:55] Alvin
    Let's see...
[02:58] Alvin
    A healer should be kind and motherly...
[03:01] Alvin
    Just being with them should
    be soothing to the soul!
[03:05] Alvin
    Not even close, bud!
[03:07] Alvin
    Why are you blushing?!
[03:09] Alvin
    I've never even seen you
    use a single proper spell!
[03:13] Carla
    So if you saw me use one,
    you'd believe me then?
[03:17] Carla
    Would you mind if I broke
    a few of your ribs, then?
[03:20] Alvin
    And there we are!
[03:22] Alvin
    Behavior unbecoming of a healer!
[03:24] Carla
    But if you want me to use curative magic,
[03:26] Carla
    I need you to get hurt...
[03:28] Alvin
    Then pick another—
[03:31] Alvin
    Hey, look at that!
SIGN    Here I go! Off to slaughter humankind!
SIGN    Young and old, men and women!
SIGN    All shall fall to the bloodbath!
[03:44] Carla
    It's a monster.
SIGN    Bloodbath! Bloodbath!
[03:45] Carla
    And a fiendish one, at that.
[03:46] Alvin
    All right.
[03:48] Alvin
    I'll go fight him!
[03:50] Carla
    I see!
[03:51] Carla
    And then, after you die, I can resurrect you!
[03:55] Alvin
    That's an interesting
    conclusion you jumped to.
[03:57] Carla
    You think you can beat him, then?
[04:00] Alvin
    Well... it might not be
    an easy victory, but...
[04:04] Alvin
    In that case, cast an enhancement spell!
[04:08] Carla
    On the monster?! Are you a masochist?
[04:10] Alvin
    On me!
[04:12] Carla
    But I'm not really sure that'll work...
[04:15] Alvin
    What's this, now?
[04:16] Alvin
    Are you saying you can't cast it?
[04:20] Carla
    I'm saying, anything times
    zero is still zero.
[04:23] Alvin
    What is that supposed to mean?!
[04:24] Carla
    But if that would prove to
    you that I'm a healer...
[04:28] Alvin
    Wait, you can cast it?
[04:30] Carla
    Now, stand over there!
[04:33] Alvin
    R-Right...
[04:34] Carla
    Go on, hop to it!
[04:35] Alvin
    F-Fine...
[04:39] Alvin
    Do I really need to be this far away?
[04:42] Carla
    I haven't done this in a while,
    so in case it goes wrong...
[04:45] Alvin
    Hang on a minute!
[04:45] Alvin
    What's going to go wrong?!
[04:46] Alvin
    What are you expecting to go wrong?!
[04:46] Carla
    I think if I just pray... like this...
[04:52] Alvin
    Hey, are you listening?!
[04:54] Carla
    I go like this, and...
[04:57] Carla
    I did it!
[04:59] Alvin
    Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it!
[05:01] Carla
    Now I throw it at you...
[05:03] Alvin
    You throw it?!
[05:04] Alvin
    That obvious manifestation of
    your black and twisted soul?!
[05:07] Carla
    Alvin-san!
[05:09] Carla
    There's no need to worry!
[05:12] Alvin
    Are you sure?
[05:14] Carla
    You'll be just fine!
[05:17] Alvin
    I don't believe you!
[05:31] Carla
    Well? Are you convinced?
[05:33] Alvin
    I'm convinced that you're unhinged!
[05:43] Carla
    Actually, there's something
    I've been wondering, too.
[05:47] Carla
    It's a question that keeps me up at night.
[05:51] Alvin
    I guess you've got a lot more
    sleepless nights in store.
[05:57] Alvin
    Boy, I'm hungry.
[05:59] Alvin
    I guess it's just about lunchtime.
[06:01] Carla
    Stare...
[06:06] Carla
    Stare...
[06:11] Carla
    Stare...
[06:15] Alvin
    Fine, I'll ask!
[06:16] Alvin
    Just stop staring like that!
[06:20] Alvin
    So? What were you wondering about?
[06:23] Carla
    It's about you, Alvin-san!
[06:25] Alvin
    Y-You mean... as a love interest?
[06:28] Carla
    I'm suing.
[06:29] Alvin
    Don't bring the law into this!
[06:31] Alvin
    It was just a joke, anyway.
[06:32] Carla
    What I'm wondering about is your strength.
[06:36] Alvin
    My strength?
[06:37] Carla
    You've claimed that your strength
    is on the level of a slug...
[06:41] Alvin
    First I've heard of it.
[06:42] Carla
    But the people who claim
    that they're the weakest
[06:45] Carla
    are often actually very strong!
[06:48] Alvin
    Well, I'm genuinely not that strong...
[06:51] Carla
    Enough false modesty!
[06:52] Carla
    In order to properly gauge
    your slug-like strength,
[06:56] Carla
    I'd like you to fight this fellow here!
SIGN    Yo!
[07:01] Alvin
    Hey! You're the one from before!
[07:04] Alvin
    You survived?
[07:06] Carla
    You can't die from an enhancement spell.
[07:09] Alvin
    Are you saying it was actually
    an enhancement spell?
[07:11] Alvin
    Then why in the world did we
    hold that little funeral?
SIGN    Surprised, are you?
SIGN    Barely recognize me, do you?
SIGN    Having endured that ominous enhancement spell,
SIGN    and returned from the abyss of death,
SIGN    I am truly unrecognizable!
[07:25] Alvin
    So he did almost die!
[07:27] Carla
    The spell relies on the "what doesn't
    kill you makes you stronger" principle.
[07:31] Carla
    Probably.
[07:32] Alvin
    Please don't cast spells
    based on speculation!
SIGN    Well? Wanna fight?!
[07:38] Alvin
    He seriously looks about the same as before.
[07:40] Alvin
    What exactly about him did you enhance?
[07:47] Carla
    His flavor.
[07:50] Alvin
    I might just stand a chance here.
SIGN    H-Hang on a minute here!
SIGN    Are you sure you didn't enhance anything else?
SIGN    My toughness? My speed?!
[08:00] Carla
    Your mouthfeel, maybe?
SIGN    You view me as an ingredient?
SIGN    Were you just planning to eat me from the start?
SIGN    Damn it!
[08:07] Alvin
    That wasn't in my plan!
SIGN    I won't be made your dinner's main dish that easily!
[08:13] Carla
    I'd love to boil you with rice!
[08:14] Alvin
    What are you talking about?
SIGN    Take this!
[08:23] Alvin
    A smokescreen?!
[08:24] Alvin
    No, this is...
[08:26] Alvin
    Poison!
[08:29] Carla
    Alvin-san!
[08:30] Alvin
    Fool! Stay back!
[08:31] Alvin
    These are poisonous spores!
[08:33] Carla
    Did you say poison?
[08:35] Carla
    Indeed, it would be dangerous to approach...
[08:39] Carla
    Perhaps I'll just turn in for the day...
[08:41] Alvin
    Come here, damn it!
[08:43] Carla
    One moment you're telling me
    to stay back, and the next...
[08:47] Carla
    What an unparalleled ego!
[08:49] Carla
    You've shown your true colors.
[08:51] Carla
    Sad!
[08:54] Alvin
    Look, I'm sorry about that.
[08:57] Alvin
    I didn't expect you to be so prepared
    that you even brought a gas mask!
[09:01] Carla
    Meanwhile, I'm shocked that you entered the
    forest without a single anti-poison measure.
[09:07] Carla
    Are you an amateur?
[09:09] Alvin
    I never expected you to
    best me in an argument.
[09:14] Alvin
    Damn. I must have breathed some in...
[09:17] Carla
    Are you all right?
[09:19] Alvin
    Do you have an antidote spell?
[09:21] Carla
    Yes, leave it to me.
[09:25] Carla
    I'll put you out of your misery.
[09:27] Alvin
    That means removing the poison, right?
[09:30] Carla
    All jokes aside,
[09:32] Carla
    I can use an antidote spell,
[09:34] Carla
    but I'd prefer to preserve my magic power,
[09:38] Carla
    so I'll use an item instead.
[09:41] Alvin
    The antidote herbs we collected earlier?
[09:43] Carla
    Yes.
[09:45] Carla
    Though I could also use some
    of those weeds over there.
[09:48] Alvin
    Why are you making this a choice?
[09:51] Carla
    I thought that adding choices
    might unlock a route split.
[09:54] Alvin
    A route split between dead or alive, maybe!
[09:57] Alvin
    We don't need to go seeking out bad ends!
[10:00] Alvin
    Hang on a minute.
    Why didn't that monster attack after—
SIGN    Poisooon
[10:04] Alvin
    Hey! What kind of monster
    succumbs to his own poison?
[10:10] Alvin
    And you didn't actually do anything!
[10:15] Alvin
    It's a good thing he was
    such a stupid monster.
[10:17] Alvin
    Carla, cure my poison while he's down.
[10:20] Carla
    Righty-o!
SIGN    The pain...
SIGN    Oh, the pain!
SIGN    It hurts so much!
SIGN    It just hurts so much!
[10:31] Alvin
    It's talking.
[10:34] Carla
    Monsters who live a long
    time acquire great wisdom,
[10:38] Carla
    and the ability to speak the human tongue!
[10:39] Alvin
    We don't need that explanation again!
SIGN    Please... I don't wanna die yet...
SIGN    Help me...
SIGN    Help! I need somebody!
[10:48] Alvin
    He does seem to want help, but...
[10:51] Alvin
    If you could just give me the antidote—
[10:54] Alvin
    Carla?
[10:55] Alvin
    Hey!
[10:57] Carla
    W-Well...
[11:00] Carla
    Oh, that's right.
[11:01] Carla
    We were talking about attendants!
[11:03] Carla
    Very well. If that is your
    true heart's desire,
[11:07] Carla
    I will let you be my manservant!
SIGN    Manservant
[11:08] Alvin
    Antidote. An antidote for my poison!
[11:13] Alvin
    You're thinking about
    helping him, aren't you?
[11:16] Carla
    Ack!
SIGN    A
    c
    k
[11:17] Carla
    O-Of course nack!
SIGN    A
    c
    k
[11:20] Carla
    H-He's a monster, and
    I'm not that foolack...
SIGN    A
    c
    k
[11:24] Alvin
    I've never been so annoyingly right.
[11:27] Alvin
    For pity's sake.
[11:28] Alvin
    Is this more of your famed
    spirit of benevolence?
[11:31] Alvin
    But have you considered the
    ramifications of your actions?
[11:33] Alvin
    Even we save him,
    he might just attack us again!
[11:39] Alvin
    And what's the guarantee that
    he won't attack someone else?
[11:43] Alvin
    You heard him singing about
    slaughtering humans before!
[11:49] Alvin
    The idea that you can achieve
    understanding with absolutely anybody
[11:51] Alvin
    doesn't work in real life.
[11:55] Carla
    Is that... what you think?
[11:58] Alvin
    Well, it's what I keep saying...
[12:00] Carla
    Regardless, I'm still a holy woman...
[12:04] Carla
    I can't just sit back and watch
    while a life fades before my eyes.
[12:11] Alvin
    That thing's a monster.
[12:13] Alvin
    If you can't tell the difference...
[12:16] Carla
    Can't we just save him,
[12:17] Carla
    earn his gratitude,
[12:19] Carla
    and get him to give us
    lots of money and items?
[12:21] Alvin
    That's just extortion!
[12:23] Carla
    Is that when you file a
    callus off your foot?
[12:26] Alvin
    That's exfoliation.
[12:28] Carla
    The thing you feel when you walk
    up three flights of stairs?
[12:31] Alvin
    That's exertion.
[12:32] Carla
    The process of a bird losing its feathers?
[12:34] Alvin
    Exuviation!
[12:35] Carla
    A die-off of species?
[12:36] Alvin
    Extinction!
[12:37] Alvin
    And shut up!
[12:42] Carla
    Hey...
[12:43] Alvin
    What?
[12:44] Carla
    Doesn't it seem like you're over the poison?
[12:47] Alvin
    Eh? Now that you mention it...
SIGN    Tch. You caught on?
[12:50] Alvin
    What?!
[12:52] Alvin
    H-Hang on... I thought
    the poison took him out!
SIGN    You fool!
SIGN    That was all a performance to get your guard down!
SIGN    A commonly-employed mushroom strategy,
SIGN    to get you to approach so I could strike you unawares!
[13:06] Alvin
    Then why didn't you stay down?
[13:08] Carla
    Tch.
[13:09] Carla
    Thank goodness!
    You mean it was just a performance?
[13:12] Alvin
    I heard a tongue-click!
[13:14] Alvin
    I think you're just frustrated
    he stole your spotlight!
SIGN    Is she really a holy woman?
[13:20] Alvin
    That's what I'd like to know!
SIGN    H-Hey, chill out, man...
SIGN    I'll give you a great piece of info!
[13:29] Alvin
    What is it?
SIGN    That thing I did before was just a smokescreen.
SIGN    There was no poison in it.
SIGN    I mean, you sorta threw me for a loop there!
SIGN    I send out one little smokescreen, and you start shouting "poisonous spores"!
SIGN    I guess it had you under the weather for a bit,
SIGN    but you seem to be feeling better now.
SIGN    Isn't that nice?
[13:54] Carla
    Are you saying you just
    assumed it was poison?
[13:58] Carla
    Goodness me... that can't be true, can it?
[14:02] Carla
    What's this? Why so quiet, eh?
[14:06] Carla
    Go on, tell me! Don't be shy!
[14:08] Carla
    You're not some beginner.
[14:10] Carla
    You can't possibly have
    gotten that wrong, can you?
[14:18] Alvin
    You little...
[14:21] Alvin
    Hey! Cut it out!
[14:23] Alvin
    It's not nice to laugh
    at a person's mistakes!
[14:29] Alvin
    Hey... I don't think I've ever
    heard her laugh so hard before.
[14:32] Alvin
    It's a damned trashy laugh, though...
[14:40] Alvin
    Good grief.
[14:41] Alvin
    Maybe I'll just let it go this time.
[14:45] Alvin
    Okay, that's enough!
[14:54] Carla
    All that laughing got me hungry.
[14:57] Alvin
    I'm pretty hungry too!
SIGN    I've got an idea!
SIGN    Let's all go off together to eat!
SIGN    Anyone got any meal ideas?
[15:07] Carla
    Me!
[15:09] Carla
    I'd love some mushroom soup.
[15:10] Carla
    Or mushrooms boiled with rice.
SIGN    You really were planning to eat me, then?!
SIGN    Damn it!
[15:19] Alvin
    Wait, we're doing this again?!
SIGN    I won't be made your dinner's main dish that easily!
[15:25] Alvin
    After all that, we're back to square one?
[15:28] Carla
    I'd like you deep-fried, too.
[15:30] Carla
    Since I did enhance your mouthfeel...
[15:32] Alvin
    Don't play along!
SIGN    Come, then! Try me!
[15:42] Alvin
    Fine, whatever...
[15:44] Alvin
    All right.
[15:45] Alvin
    This was supposed to be a test
    of my strength from the start.
[15:50] Alvin
    Perhaps I'll give you a taste of my might!
[16:04] Alvin
    Let's go!
[16:30] Carla
    Maybe I should have improved
    Alvin-san's mouthfeel instead.
[16:34] Alvin
    Damn it...
SIGN    I win!!
[16:44] Carla
    It's really coming down.
[16:46] Carla
    I'm glad there was this cave nearby.
[16:49] Carla
    Are you feeling any better, Alvin-san?
[16:54] Carla
    Alvin-san!
[16:56] Carla
    No!
[16:58] Alvin
    The real me is right here!
[17:00] Alvin
    Ow, ow...
SIGN    You okay? I'm really sorry.
SIGN    I really lost my head back there.
SIGN    You've gotta take it easy, man. Chill out a minute.
[17:09] Alvin
    Being doted on by the person who beat me...
[17:12] Alvin
    I'm so pathetic.
[17:13] Carla
    You are not!
[17:16] Carla
    At the very least,
    I think you're quite amazing!
[17:20] Alvin
    I don't need your pity act.
[17:22] Alvin
    And don't throw my helmet!
[17:24] Carla
    It's not a pity act!
    I really think you're amazing!
[17:26] Carla
    To be as weak as you are and
    still become an adventurer...
[17:30] Carla
    That requires true mental fortitude!
[17:31] Alvin
    Actually pity me!
[17:32] Carla
    Now, now.
[17:33] Carla
    The whining will just make
    it worse! Calm down!
[17:36] Alvin
    Stop making me sound like a sore loser!
[17:38] Carla
    I'll use a healing spell
    to make you better,
[17:40] Carla
    like I did with Mostly Bear-san.
[17:43] Carla
    I can do that, because I'm a healer!
[17:45] Alvin
    Are you still pretending you're a healer?
[17:49] Carla
    Of course I am!
[17:50] Carla
    And I'll shut that smart
    mouth of yours right now!
[17:53] Alvin
    You really don't talk like someone
    about to make me better...
[17:56] Carla
    What got the worst of it?
[18:01] Carla
    The face, perhaps?
[18:02] Alvin
    Probably your head!
[18:05] Carla
    That does look pretty bad.
SIGN    I did use a fa jin that would pierce through your armor...
SIGN    Sorry, man.
[18:13] Alvin
    I didn't know you practiced martial arts!
[18:16] Alvin
    Can you actually cure this?
[18:18] Carla
    What a worrywart.
[18:20] Carla
    Have I ever betrayed your expectations?
[18:23] Alvin
    Have you ever met them?
[18:30] Carla
    The preparations are complete!
[18:31] Alvin
    I wish you wouldn't dress like that!
[18:38] Carla
    Let my prayer be heard!
[18:42] Alvin
    I really don't think that's
    going to cure anything...
[18:45] Alvin
    Could you please stop?!
[18:47] Carla
    This is how I healed you when
    we stayed with Mostly Bear-san.
[18:50] Alvin
    I'm talking about appearances.
[18:52] Alvin
    Don't you have a less
    aggressive healing spell?
[18:58] Carla
    Well...
[19:01] Carla
    Is this better?
[19:03] Alvin
    Can you really not do this
    without the cosplay?
SIGN    Well, nothing seems broken.
SIGN    A simple spell would probably do the trick.
SIGN    Or maybe some medicinal herbs!
[19:15] Alvin
    That's true.
[19:16] Alvin
    Maybe medicinal herbs would be better
    than relying on some bizarre spell.
[19:20] Carla
    But if you use medicinal herbs,
    I can't prove my ability!
[19:24] Carla
    I'll try a chant!
[19:26] Alvin
    I guess at some point we decided
    you'd be proving yourself, too.
[19:30] Carla
    Now, watch me.
[19:32] Carla
    With the miracles of God,
    it's easy to heal simple wounds like that!
[19:37] Alvin
    Somehow, I'm not reassured.
[19:39] Carla
    Now...
[19:40] Carla
    Great God above us,
[19:43] Carla
    I beg of you, bring relief to the
    wounded body of the warrior, Alvin!
[19:47] Carla
    He may be pitiful, pathetic, hopeless,
    and utterly beyond saving...
[19:53] Alvin
    Wait!
[19:54] Carla
    I beg of you, God!
[19:55] Carla
    I can no longer stand to see him like this!
[19:57] Carla
    Please, make him better!
[20:00] Alvin
    Enough!
[20:03] Carla
    Well? Are you better?
[20:05] Alvin
    Of course not!
[20:07] Alvin
    And don't click your tongue!
[20:09] Carla
    I-I wasn't clicking my tongue at you!
[20:12] Alvin
    Who else would you be
    clicking your tongue at?!
[20:15] Carla
    At God, for not making you better...
[20:18] Alvin
    That's blasphemous!
[20:20] Carla
    And at you, for not feeling better...
[20:23] Alvin
    So it was at me!
[20:25] Carla
    And at the stupid slug.
[20:27] Alvin
    That's also me—Hey, cut it out!
SIGN    Hey, you guys!
SIGN    I think the rain's let up.
[20:40] Carla
    It really has.
[20:41] Alvin
    Ow...
[20:43] Alvin
    And it was pouring just moments ago.
[20:46] Alvin
    Now that the weather's gotten better,
    we should probably head out.
[20:51] Alvin
    The weather... got better?
[20:55] Alvin
    It got better?!
[20:58] Alvin
    It definitely wasn't you!
[21:08] Alvin
    By the way...
[21:11] Alvin
    why are you coming with us?
SIGN    I'm so worried, I can't stay away.
[21:16] Carla
    I suppose you would be.
[21:17] Carla
    You'd be too worried to leave
    Alvin-san all on his own!
[21:21] Alvin
    Don't pull yourself out of the firing range!
[21:23] Alvin
    He's worried about you, too!
SIGN    And it'd be hard to get bored while I'm hanging out with you two.
[21:29] Carla
    Mushroom-san.
[21:30] Carla
    Thank you for carrying my bag.
SIGN    Hey, no problem!
[21:34] Carla
    What's your name?
SIGN    Altargaia!
[21:37] Carla
    It's a pleasure to meet you, Altargaia-san.
[21:41] Carla
    Isn't that a splendid name?
[21:43] Carla
    Much better than "Alvin."
[21:44] Alvin
    You don't have to make it a competition!
SIGN    Next Time
[23:25] Alvin
    Next episode's title is...
[23:27] Alvin
    "The first dungeon Alvin tackles
    with Carla is designed for beginners
[23:30] Alvin
    which is very nice and so even
    Alvin seems to be flying through it
[23:36] Alvin
    but of course as a veteran rookie he isn't—"
SIGN    See you then!
[23:36] sign
    "The first dungeon Alvin tackles with Carla is designed for beginners
    which is very nice and so even Alvin seems to be flying through it
    but of course as a veteran rookie he isn't without his struggles
    and he once again reveals his aptitude(?) for falling into holes
    and even causes their mushroom monster companion to worry and
    come to think of it the mushroom guy who showed up last episode
    has a name (it's Altargaia) and there aren't many chances to call him
    that but we would like you to remember it and by the way if you're
    having trouble reading these titles to the end we just wanted to
    remind you that you can pause the video or maybe check the show's
    homepage and that's the deal with episode 4."
[23:38] Alvin
    Hey! I'm still talking—