E3 - Despite the terrible time he's been having...
Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:01] Alvin
Behold, the vast world in which we live!
[00:04] Alvin
It is rampant with monsters
that threaten human life.
[00:10] Alvin
This threat is opposed by
countless adventurers! Heroes!
[00:17] Alvin
Every day, they face these
dangerous battles...
[00:21] Alvin
To protect the people! To protect the world!
[00:27] Alvin
And I, Alvin, am one of them!
[00:32] Alvin
Now in a party with Carla, the healer,
[00:35] Alvin
my journey continues!
SIGN Don't Hurt Me,
SIGN Don't Hurt Me,
SIGN My Healer!
SIGN Despite the terrible time he's been having...
[02:12] Alvin
There's something I've been wondering.
[02:15] Carla
What is it?
[02:16] Carla
This is very out of the indigo.
[02:19] Alvin
Are you really a healer?
[02:29] Alvin
I'm talking to you, Carla-san.
[02:32] Carla
Me? Of all people?
[02:34] Alvin
Who else could there be?
[02:36] Carla
Where is this coming from?
[02:37] Carla
Are you suggesting I'm not very healer-like?
[02:39] Carla
What's not healery about me?
[02:40] Alvin
Everything?
[02:41] Carla
But I'm so kind!
[02:43] Alvin
Objection.
[02:44] Carla
Overflowing with motherly instinct!
[02:46] Alvin
Objection.
[02:47] Carla
Who could ever doubt someone
so soothing to the soul?!
[02:50] Alvin
Major bottleneck of objections here!
[02:51] Carla
Then let me ask you a question, Alvin-san.
[02:53] Carla
What do you think a healer should be like?
[02:55] Alvin
Let's see...
[02:58] Alvin
A healer should be kind and motherly...
[03:01] Alvin
Just being with them should
be soothing to the soul!
[03:05] Alvin
Not even close, bud!
[03:07] Alvin
Why are you blushing?!
[03:09] Alvin
I've never even seen you
use a single proper spell!
[03:13] Carla
So if you saw me use one,
you'd believe me then?
[03:17] Carla
Would you mind if I broke
a few of your ribs, then?
[03:20] Alvin
And there we are!
[03:22] Alvin
Behavior unbecoming of a healer!
[03:24] Carla
But if you want me to use curative magic,
[03:26] Carla
I need you to get hurt...
[03:28] Alvin
Then pick another—
[03:31] Alvin
Hey, look at that!
SIGN Here I go! Off to slaughter humankind!
SIGN Young and old, men and women!
SIGN All shall fall to the bloodbath!
[03:44] Carla
It's a monster.
SIGN Bloodbath! Bloodbath!
[03:45] Carla
And a fiendish one, at that.
[03:46] Alvin
All right.
[03:48] Alvin
I'll go fight him!
[03:50] Carla
I see!
[03:51] Carla
And then, after you die, I can resurrect you!
[03:55] Alvin
That's an interesting
conclusion you jumped to.
[03:57] Carla
You think you can beat him, then?
[04:00] Alvin
Well... it might not be
an easy victory, but...
[04:04] Alvin
In that case, cast an enhancement spell!
[04:08] Carla
On the monster?! Are you a masochist?
[04:10] Alvin
On me!
[04:12] Carla
But I'm not really sure that'll work...
[04:15] Alvin
What's this, now?
[04:16] Alvin
Are you saying you can't cast it?
[04:20] Carla
I'm saying, anything times
zero is still zero.
[04:23] Alvin
What is that supposed to mean?!
[04:24] Carla
But if that would prove to
you that I'm a healer...
[04:28] Alvin
Wait, you can cast it?
[04:30] Carla
Now, stand over there!
[04:33] Alvin
R-Right...
[04:34] Carla
Go on, hop to it!
[04:35] Alvin
F-Fine...
[04:39] Alvin
Do I really need to be this far away?
[04:42] Carla
I haven't done this in a while,
so in case it goes wrong...
[04:45] Alvin
Hang on a minute!
[04:45] Alvin
What's going to go wrong?!
[04:46] Alvin
What are you expecting to go wrong?!
[04:46] Carla
I think if I just pray... like this...
[04:52] Alvin
Hey, are you listening?!
[04:54] Carla
I go like this, and...
[04:57] Carla
I did it!
[04:59] Alvin
Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it!
[05:01] Carla
Now I throw it at you...
[05:03] Alvin
You throw it?!
[05:04] Alvin
That obvious manifestation of
your black and twisted soul?!
[05:07] Carla
Alvin-san!
[05:09] Carla
There's no need to worry!
[05:12] Alvin
Are you sure?
[05:14] Carla
You'll be just fine!
[05:17] Alvin
I don't believe you!
[05:31] Carla
Well? Are you convinced?
[05:33] Alvin
I'm convinced that you're unhinged!
[05:43] Carla
Actually, there's something
I've been wondering, too.
[05:47] Carla
It's a question that keeps me up at night.
[05:51] Alvin
I guess you've got a lot more
sleepless nights in store.
[05:57] Alvin
Boy, I'm hungry.
[05:59] Alvin
I guess it's just about lunchtime.
[06:01] Carla
Stare...
[06:06] Carla
Stare...
[06:11] Carla
Stare...
[06:15] Alvin
Fine, I'll ask!
[06:16] Alvin
Just stop staring like that!
[06:20] Alvin
So? What were you wondering about?
[06:23] Carla
It's about you, Alvin-san!
[06:25] Alvin
Y-You mean... as a love interest?
[06:28] Carla
I'm suing.
[06:29] Alvin
Don't bring the law into this!
[06:31] Alvin
It was just a joke, anyway.
[06:32] Carla
What I'm wondering about is your strength.
[06:36] Alvin
My strength?
[06:37] Carla
You've claimed that your strength
is on the level of a slug...
[06:41] Alvin
First I've heard of it.
[06:42] Carla
But the people who claim
that they're the weakest
[06:45] Carla
are often actually very strong!
[06:48] Alvin
Well, I'm genuinely not that strong...
[06:51] Carla
Enough false modesty!
[06:52] Carla
In order to properly gauge
your slug-like strength,
[06:56] Carla
I'd like you to fight this fellow here!
SIGN Yo!
[07:01] Alvin
Hey! You're the one from before!
[07:04] Alvin
You survived?
[07:06] Carla
You can't die from an enhancement spell.
[07:09] Alvin
Are you saying it was actually
an enhancement spell?
[07:11] Alvin
Then why in the world did we
hold that little funeral?
SIGN Surprised, are you?
SIGN Barely recognize me, do you?
SIGN Having endured that ominous enhancement spell,
SIGN and returned from the abyss of death,
SIGN I am truly unrecognizable!
[07:25] Alvin
So he did almost die!
[07:27] Carla
The spell relies on the "what doesn't
kill you makes you stronger" principle.
[07:31] Carla
Probably.
[07:32] Alvin
Please don't cast spells
based on speculation!
SIGN Well? Wanna fight?!
[07:38] Alvin
He seriously looks about the same as before.
[07:40] Alvin
What exactly about him did you enhance?
[07:47] Carla
His flavor.
[07:50] Alvin
I might just stand a chance here.
SIGN H-Hang on a minute here!
SIGN Are you sure you didn't enhance anything else?
SIGN My toughness? My speed?!
[08:00] Carla
Your mouthfeel, maybe?
SIGN You view me as an ingredient?
SIGN Were you just planning to eat me from the start?
SIGN Damn it!
[08:07] Alvin
That wasn't in my plan!
SIGN I won't be made your dinner's main dish that easily!
[08:13] Carla
I'd love to boil you with rice!
[08:14] Alvin
What are you talking about?
SIGN Take this!
[08:23] Alvin
A smokescreen?!
[08:24] Alvin
No, this is...
[08:26] Alvin
Poison!
[08:29] Carla
Alvin-san!
[08:30] Alvin
Fool! Stay back!
[08:31] Alvin
These are poisonous spores!
[08:33] Carla
Did you say poison?
[08:35] Carla
Indeed, it would be dangerous to approach...
[08:39] Carla
Perhaps I'll just turn in for the day...
[08:41] Alvin
Come here, damn it!
[08:43] Carla
One moment you're telling me
to stay back, and the next...
[08:47] Carla
What an unparalleled ego!
[08:49] Carla
You've shown your true colors.
[08:51] Carla
Sad!
[08:54] Alvin
Look, I'm sorry about that.
[08:57] Alvin
I didn't expect you to be so prepared
that you even brought a gas mask!
[09:01] Carla
Meanwhile, I'm shocked that you entered the
forest without a single anti-poison measure.
[09:07] Carla
Are you an amateur?
[09:09] Alvin
I never expected you to
best me in an argument.
[09:14] Alvin
Damn. I must have breathed some in...
[09:17] Carla
Are you all right?
[09:19] Alvin
Do you have an antidote spell?
[09:21] Carla
Yes, leave it to me.
[09:25] Carla
I'll put you out of your misery.
[09:27] Alvin
That means removing the poison, right?
[09:30] Carla
All jokes aside,
[09:32] Carla
I can use an antidote spell,
[09:34] Carla
but I'd prefer to preserve my magic power,
[09:38] Carla
so I'll use an item instead.
[09:41] Alvin
The antidote herbs we collected earlier?
[09:43] Carla
Yes.
[09:45] Carla
Though I could also use some
of those weeds over there.
[09:48] Alvin
Why are you making this a choice?
[09:51] Carla
I thought that adding choices
might unlock a route split.
[09:54] Alvin
A route split between dead or alive, maybe!
[09:57] Alvin
We don't need to go seeking out bad ends!
[10:00] Alvin
Hang on a minute.
Why didn't that monster attack after—
SIGN Poisooon
[10:04] Alvin
Hey! What kind of monster
succumbs to his own poison?
[10:10] Alvin
And you didn't actually do anything!
[10:15] Alvin
It's a good thing he was
such a stupid monster.
[10:17] Alvin
Carla, cure my poison while he's down.
[10:20] Carla
Righty-o!
SIGN The pain...
SIGN Oh, the pain!
SIGN It hurts so much!
SIGN It just hurts so much!
[10:31] Alvin
It's talking.
[10:34] Carla
Monsters who live a long
time acquire great wisdom,
[10:38] Carla
and the ability to speak the human tongue!
[10:39] Alvin
We don't need that explanation again!
SIGN Please... I don't wanna die yet...
SIGN Help me...
SIGN Help! I need somebody!
[10:48] Alvin
He does seem to want help, but...
[10:51] Alvin
If you could just give me the antidote—
[10:54] Alvin
Carla?
[10:55] Alvin
Hey!
[10:57] Carla
W-Well...
[11:00] Carla
Oh, that's right.
[11:01] Carla
We were talking about attendants!
[11:03] Carla
Very well. If that is your
true heart's desire,
[11:07] Carla
I will let you be my manservant!
SIGN Manservant
[11:08] Alvin
Antidote. An antidote for my poison!
[11:13] Alvin
You're thinking about
helping him, aren't you?
[11:16] Carla
Ack!
SIGN A
c
k
[11:17] Carla
O-Of course nack!
SIGN A
c
k
[11:20] Carla
H-He's a monster, and
I'm not that foolack...
SIGN A
c
k
[11:24] Alvin
I've never been so annoyingly right.
[11:27] Alvin
For pity's sake.
[11:28] Alvin
Is this more of your famed
spirit of benevolence?
[11:31] Alvin
But have you considered the
ramifications of your actions?
[11:33] Alvin
Even we save him,
he might just attack us again!
[11:39] Alvin
And what's the guarantee that
he won't attack someone else?
[11:43] Alvin
You heard him singing about
slaughtering humans before!
[11:49] Alvin
The idea that you can achieve
understanding with absolutely anybody
[11:51] Alvin
doesn't work in real life.
[11:55] Carla
Is that... what you think?
[11:58] Alvin
Well, it's what I keep saying...
[12:00] Carla
Regardless, I'm still a holy woman...
[12:04] Carla
I can't just sit back and watch
while a life fades before my eyes.
[12:11] Alvin
That thing's a monster.
[12:13] Alvin
If you can't tell the difference...
[12:16] Carla
Can't we just save him,
[12:17] Carla
earn his gratitude,
[12:19] Carla
and get him to give us
lots of money and items?
[12:21] Alvin
That's just extortion!
[12:23] Carla
Is that when you file a
callus off your foot?
[12:26] Alvin
That's exfoliation.
[12:28] Carla
The thing you feel when you walk
up three flights of stairs?
[12:31] Alvin
That's exertion.
[12:32] Carla
The process of a bird losing its feathers?
[12:34] Alvin
Exuviation!
[12:35] Carla
A die-off of species?
[12:36] Alvin
Extinction!
[12:37] Alvin
And shut up!
[12:42] Carla
Hey...
[12:43] Alvin
What?
[12:44] Carla
Doesn't it seem like you're over the poison?
[12:47] Alvin
Eh? Now that you mention it...
SIGN Tch. You caught on?
[12:50] Alvin
What?!
[12:52] Alvin
H-Hang on... I thought
the poison took him out!
SIGN You fool!
SIGN That was all a performance to get your guard down!
SIGN A commonly-employed mushroom strategy,
SIGN to get you to approach so I could strike you unawares!
[13:06] Alvin
Then why didn't you stay down?
[13:08] Carla
Tch.
[13:09] Carla
Thank goodness!
You mean it was just a performance?
[13:12] Alvin
I heard a tongue-click!
[13:14] Alvin
I think you're just frustrated
he stole your spotlight!
SIGN Is she really a holy woman?
[13:20] Alvin
That's what I'd like to know!
SIGN H-Hey, chill out, man...
SIGN I'll give you a great piece of info!
[13:29] Alvin
What is it?
SIGN That thing I did before was just a smokescreen.
SIGN There was no poison in it.
SIGN I mean, you sorta threw me for a loop there!
SIGN I send out one little smokescreen, and you start shouting "poisonous spores"!
SIGN I guess it had you under the weather for a bit,
SIGN but you seem to be feeling better now.
SIGN Isn't that nice?
[13:54] Carla
Are you saying you just
assumed it was poison?
[13:58] Carla
Goodness me... that can't be true, can it?
[14:02] Carla
What's this? Why so quiet, eh?
[14:06] Carla
Go on, tell me! Don't be shy!
[14:08] Carla
You're not some beginner.
[14:10] Carla
You can't possibly have
gotten that wrong, can you?
[14:18] Alvin
You little...
[14:21] Alvin
Hey! Cut it out!
[14:23] Alvin
It's not nice to laugh
at a person's mistakes!
[14:29] Alvin
Hey... I don't think I've ever
heard her laugh so hard before.
[14:32] Alvin
It's a damned trashy laugh, though...
[14:40] Alvin
Good grief.
[14:41] Alvin
Maybe I'll just let it go this time.
[14:45] Alvin
Okay, that's enough!
[14:54] Carla
All that laughing got me hungry.
[14:57] Alvin
I'm pretty hungry too!
SIGN I've got an idea!
SIGN Let's all go off together to eat!
SIGN Anyone got any meal ideas?
[15:07] Carla
Me!
[15:09] Carla
I'd love some mushroom soup.
[15:10] Carla
Or mushrooms boiled with rice.
SIGN You really were planning to eat me, then?!
SIGN Damn it!
[15:19] Alvin
Wait, we're doing this again?!
SIGN I won't be made your dinner's main dish that easily!
[15:25] Alvin
After all that, we're back to square one?
[15:28] Carla
I'd like you deep-fried, too.
[15:30] Carla
Since I did enhance your mouthfeel...
[15:32] Alvin
Don't play along!
SIGN Come, then! Try me!
[15:42] Alvin
Fine, whatever...
[15:44] Alvin
All right.
[15:45] Alvin
This was supposed to be a test
of my strength from the start.
[15:50] Alvin
Perhaps I'll give you a taste of my might!
[16:04] Alvin
Let's go!
[16:30] Carla
Maybe I should have improved
Alvin-san's mouthfeel instead.
[16:34] Alvin
Damn it...
SIGN I win!!
[16:44] Carla
It's really coming down.
[16:46] Carla
I'm glad there was this cave nearby.
[16:49] Carla
Are you feeling any better, Alvin-san?
[16:54] Carla
Alvin-san!
[16:56] Carla
No!
[16:58] Alvin
The real me is right here!
[17:00] Alvin
Ow, ow...
SIGN You okay? I'm really sorry.
SIGN I really lost my head back there.
SIGN You've gotta take it easy, man. Chill out a minute.
[17:09] Alvin
Being doted on by the person who beat me...
[17:12] Alvin
I'm so pathetic.
[17:13] Carla
You are not!
[17:16] Carla
At the very least,
I think you're quite amazing!
[17:20] Alvin
I don't need your pity act.
[17:22] Alvin
And don't throw my helmet!
[17:24] Carla
It's not a pity act!
I really think you're amazing!
[17:26] Carla
To be as weak as you are and
still become an adventurer...
[17:30] Carla
That requires true mental fortitude!
[17:31] Alvin
Actually pity me!
[17:32] Carla
Now, now.
[17:33] Carla
The whining will just make
it worse! Calm down!
[17:36] Alvin
Stop making me sound like a sore loser!
[17:38] Carla
I'll use a healing spell
to make you better,
[17:40] Carla
like I did with Mostly Bear-san.
[17:43] Carla
I can do that, because I'm a healer!
[17:45] Alvin
Are you still pretending you're a healer?
[17:49] Carla
Of course I am!
[17:50] Carla
And I'll shut that smart
mouth of yours right now!
[17:53] Alvin
You really don't talk like someone
about to make me better...
[17:56] Carla
What got the worst of it?
[18:01] Carla
The face, perhaps?
[18:02] Alvin
Probably your head!
[18:05] Carla
That does look pretty bad.
SIGN I did use a fa jin that would pierce through your armor...
SIGN Sorry, man.
[18:13] Alvin
I didn't know you practiced martial arts!
[18:16] Alvin
Can you actually cure this?
[18:18] Carla
What a worrywart.
[18:20] Carla
Have I ever betrayed your expectations?
[18:23] Alvin
Have you ever met them?
[18:30] Carla
The preparations are complete!
[18:31] Alvin
I wish you wouldn't dress like that!
[18:38] Carla
Let my prayer be heard!
[18:42] Alvin
I really don't think that's
going to cure anything...
[18:45] Alvin
Could you please stop?!
[18:47] Carla
This is how I healed you when
we stayed with Mostly Bear-san.
[18:50] Alvin
I'm talking about appearances.
[18:52] Alvin
Don't you have a less
aggressive healing spell?
[18:58] Carla
Well...
[19:01] Carla
Is this better?
[19:03] Alvin
Can you really not do this
without the cosplay?
SIGN Well, nothing seems broken.
SIGN A simple spell would probably do the trick.
SIGN Or maybe some medicinal herbs!
[19:15] Alvin
That's true.
[19:16] Alvin
Maybe medicinal herbs would be better
than relying on some bizarre spell.
[19:20] Carla
But if you use medicinal herbs,
I can't prove my ability!
[19:24] Carla
I'll try a chant!
[19:26] Alvin
I guess at some point we decided
you'd be proving yourself, too.
[19:30] Carla
Now, watch me.
[19:32] Carla
With the miracles of God,
it's easy to heal simple wounds like that!
[19:37] Alvin
Somehow, I'm not reassured.
[19:39] Carla
Now...
[19:40] Carla
Great God above us,
[19:43] Carla
I beg of you, bring relief to the
wounded body of the warrior, Alvin!
[19:47] Carla
He may be pitiful, pathetic, hopeless,
and utterly beyond saving...
[19:53] Alvin
Wait!
[19:54] Carla
I beg of you, God!
[19:55] Carla
I can no longer stand to see him like this!
[19:57] Carla
Please, make him better!
[20:00] Alvin
Enough!
[20:03] Carla
Well? Are you better?
[20:05] Alvin
Of course not!
[20:07] Alvin
And don't click your tongue!
[20:09] Carla
I-I wasn't clicking my tongue at you!
[20:12] Alvin
Who else would you be
clicking your tongue at?!
[20:15] Carla
At God, for not making you better...
[20:18] Alvin
That's blasphemous!
[20:20] Carla
And at you, for not feeling better...
[20:23] Alvin
So it was at me!
[20:25] Carla
And at the stupid slug.
[20:27] Alvin
That's also me—Hey, cut it out!
SIGN Hey, you guys!
SIGN I think the rain's let up.
[20:40] Carla
It really has.
[20:41] Alvin
Ow...
[20:43] Alvin
And it was pouring just moments ago.
[20:46] Alvin
Now that the weather's gotten better,
we should probably head out.
[20:51] Alvin
The weather... got better?
[20:55] Alvin
It got better?!
[20:58] Alvin
It definitely wasn't you!
[21:08] Alvin
By the way...
[21:11] Alvin
why are you coming with us?
SIGN I'm so worried, I can't stay away.
[21:16] Carla
I suppose you would be.
[21:17] Carla
You'd be too worried to leave
Alvin-san all on his own!
[21:21] Alvin
Don't pull yourself out of the firing range!
[21:23] Alvin
He's worried about you, too!
SIGN And it'd be hard to get bored while I'm hanging out with you two.
[21:29] Carla
Mushroom-san.
[21:30] Carla
Thank you for carrying my bag.
SIGN Hey, no problem!
[21:34] Carla
What's your name?
SIGN Altargaia!
[21:37] Carla
It's a pleasure to meet you, Altargaia-san.
[21:41] Carla
Isn't that a splendid name?
[21:43] Carla
Much better than "Alvin."
[21:44] Alvin
You don't have to make it a competition!
SIGN Next Time
[23:25] Alvin
Next episode's title is...
[23:27] Alvin
"The first dungeon Alvin tackles
with Carla is designed for beginners
[23:30] Alvin
which is very nice and so even
Alvin seems to be flying through it
[23:36] Alvin
but of course as a veteran rookie he isn't—"
SIGN See you then!
[23:36] sign
"The first dungeon Alvin tackles with Carla is designed for beginners
which is very nice and so even Alvin seems to be flying through it
but of course as a veteran rookie he isn't without his struggles
and he once again reveals his aptitude(?) for falling into holes
and even causes their mushroom monster companion to worry and
come to think of it the mushroom guy who showed up last episode
has a name (it's Altargaia) and there aren't many chances to call him
that but we would like you to remember it and by the way if you're
having trouble reading these titles to the end we just wanted to
remind you that you can pause the video or maybe check the show's
homepage and that's the deal with episode 4."
[23:38] Alvin
Hey! I'm still talking—