E11 - The Home Alone Circumstances of the Familiars / The Weight Loss Circumstances of the Corpulent Phoenix / The Romantic Advice Circumstances of the Men without Dates

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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:07] Viola
    Okay, Phoenix, you two take care
    of the place while we're out.
[00:12] Phoenix
    I obey.
SIGN    The Home Alone Circumstances
     of the Familiars
[00:26] Phoenix
    "The Home Alone Circumstances
    of the Familiars."
[00:35] Phoenix
    I did not think we would
    meet again, tiny life form.
[00:39] Phoenix
    'Tis surely fate. Thus, I shall
    guide thee as thy senior.
[00:45] Phoenix
    I've noticed that thou
    hast warlike tendencies.
[00:50] Phoenix
    Under this roof thou shouldst obey
    the summoner and her mother.
[00:57] Phoenix
    Warlike already...
[01:05] Phoenix
    Such play is forbidden.
[01:11] Phoenix
    See? That's why.
[01:17] Phoenix
    Why art thou blaming me?
[01:23] Phoenix
    Cease this creationless destruction!
[01:27] Phoenix
    Stop this. If thou strugglest too much—
[01:31] Phoenix
    I told thee so.
[01:35] Phoenix
    I hope this hath taught thee
    a bit of restraint.
[01:42] Phoenix
    Violence born of unjust resentment...
[01:47] Phoenix
    Perhaps this is the anger of the hungry.
[01:52] Phoenix
    Consume this afternoon snack
    and quell thy rage.
[01:56] Phoenix
    Here, eat.
[02:00] Phoenix
    Your voracity is encouraging to see.
[02:03] Phoenix
    I shall partake as well.
[02:07] Phoenix
    The portions are neither
    too large nor too small.
[02:19] Phoenix
    I shall not trade.
[02:29] Phoenix
    I hear a fuss.
[02:36] Phoenix
    He is swift as the wind!
[02:39] Phoenix
    He hath more energy now that
    his stomach is satisfied!
[02:47] Phoenix
    There!
[02:50] Phoenix
    Tiny life form, I cannot overlook
    further outrageous behavior.
[02:54] Phoenix
    If thou repentest, show me with
    thine attitude, and all shall be well.
[03:01] Phoenix
    A battle stance.
[03:05] Phoenix
    Interesting. To demonstrate my respect
    for thy reckless courage,
[03:09] Phoenix
    I shall fight thee at full power.
[03:22] Phoenix
    Where goest thou?
[03:27] Phoenix
    Evidently, 'twas just a sound.
[03:29] Phoenix
    Let us continue, then!
[03:37] Phoenix
    Calm thyself. Our contracted and her
    mother shall return in half an hour.
[03:44] Phoenix
    I hope we last that long...
[03:54] Phoenix
    At last, I've managed to lull him
    to sleep with my song.
[03:59] Phoenix
    Now I must clean up—
[04:02] Viola
    We're back!
[04:04] Alyssa
    We bought you two something... Wait.
[04:11] Alyssa
    Even the door is wrecked!
[04:15] Viola
    What happened here?
[04:17] Phoenix
    There is an excellent explanation for this...
[04:21] Viola
    I bet you weren't looking after Toxic Koala!
[04:24] Viola
    You have to be more responsible,
    Phoenix. You're his senior.
[04:34] Phoenix
    I quit being the senior!
[04:37] Viola
    I-I'm sorry! Was I too harsh?!
SIGN    Family Circumstances of the Irregular Witch
SIGN    Family Circumstances of the Irregular Witch
SIGN    Family Circumstances of the Irregular Witch
SIGN    Family Circumstances of the Irregular Witch
SIGN    Family Circumstances of the Irregular Witch
[06:14] Alyssa
    Phoen!
[06:16] Alyssa
    Today's snack is flan.
[06:20] Phoenix
    Delicious.
[06:22] Narrator
    The next day...
[06:23] Alyssa
    Today's snack is cake.
[06:26] Phoenix
    Delicious.
[06:27] Narrator
    The next day...
[06:29] Alyssa
    Today's snack is a cream puff!
[06:31] Phoenix
    Delicious.
[06:32] Narrator
    The next day...
[06:33] Alyssa
    Today's snack is crème brûlée.
[06:36] Phoenix
    Delicious.
[06:37] Narrator
    The next day...
[06:38] Alyssa
    Today's snack is Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte.
[06:40] Phoenix
    Delicious.
[06:41] Narrator
    The next day!
[06:41] Alyssa
    Today's snack is Apfelstrudel.
[06:43] Phoenix
    Delicious.
[06:43] Narrator
    And next!
[06:43] Alyssa
    Today's snack is Zitronenschnitten.
[06:44] Phoenix
    Delicious.
[06:45] Narrator
    Next!
[06:45] Alyssa
    Today's snack is Marmorgugelhupf.
[06:45] Narrator
    Next! Next!
[06:46] Alyssa
    Today's snack is Zwetschgenknödel.
[06:47] Phoenix
    Delicious. Delicious. Delicious.
[06:48] Alyssa
    Today's snack is Gefüllter Hefezopf.
[06:49] Narrator
    Next!
[06:51] Viola
    Phoenix...
[06:54] Viola
    Did you get fat?
SIGN    The Weight Loss Circumstances of the Corpulent Phoenix
[06:58] Kicla
    "The Weight Loss Circumstances
    of the Corpulent Phoenix"!
[07:03] Viola
    Well, did you get fat?
[07:05] Alyssa
    Hey! You know better than to ask
    such an insensitive question!
[07:09] Viola
    Huh? I did something wrong?
[07:11] Viola
    I'm sorry. I'll phrase it differently.
[07:15] Viola
    You got fat.
[07:16] Alyssa
    Baldly stated!
[07:17] Viola
    Anyone can see he did!
[07:19] Viola
    Let me ask you, Mama: Don't you
    think something's wrong here?
[07:22] Alyssa
    I may have given him too many snacks lately.
[07:26] Alyssa
    B-But isn't it better to be a little plump?
[07:29] (Flashback) Alyssa
    Eat up!
[07:31] Viola
    She has her Mom Goggles on.
[07:33] Phoenix
    Mother, I thank thee,
    but my contracted is right.
[07:38] Phoenix
    This body is proof of my inability
    to control myself!
[07:42] Alyssa
    I-I'm sorry I fed you too much, too.
[07:45] Alyssa
    Okay, then, let's lose weight together!
[07:48] Alyssa
    I'll work hard, too!
[07:49] Viola
    Huh?
[07:50] Viola
    Mama, why would you need to?
    You haven't gotten fat.
[07:54] Alyssa
    It's harder for me to lose fat these days
    than it was in my 100s.
[07:59] Alyssa
    So it would be best if I exercised.
[08:02] Viola
    What? That's scary.
[08:03] Viola
    By the way, how do people lose weight?
[08:06] Viola
    I never put on any, so I don't know.
[08:09] Alyssa
    Viola, don't ever say that
    to anyone outside this family.
[08:12] Phoenix
    I shall abstain from all food
    and drink for one year.
[08:16] Alyssa
    Too extreme!
[08:17] Alyssa
    We have to do it in a healthy
    way, or it's dangerous.
[08:19] Alyssa
    Let's start by improving our
    eating habits and exercising.
[08:23] Phoenix
    I'd like to pursue any
    other good ideas as well...
[08:27] Kicla
    There are outpatient weight
    loss clinics these days, too.
[08:32] Alyssa
    The mad mushroom doctor!
SIGN    Note
SIGN    Mad Scientista
[08:38] Kicla
    I haven't seen you in so long!
    How have you been?
[08:42] Kicla
    Bad birdie.
[08:44] Kicla
    If you have illnesses or concerns,
    you need to come see me right away!
[08:48] Phoenix
    The deviant who thinketh herself
    my primary care physician?
[08:52] Viola
    Kicla is technically a doctor,
    so she must know lots about this.
[08:57] Kicla
    Did you say "technically"?
[08:59] Viola
    If you have a recommended
    weight loss method, tell us!
[09:02] Kicla
    Recommended, you say?
[09:04] Kicla
    Well, there is a way to take off
    lots of weight in no time!
[09:08] Alyssa
    Oh? What is it?
[09:10] Kicla
    Surgery.
[09:13] Alyssa
    Right, I'll call Sheeta.
[09:15] Kicla
    I was joking, I swear!
[09:18] Kicla
    Although, I'll happily suction
    or excise any fat he'd like!
[09:22] Alyssa
    You're blatantly targeting him!
[09:24] Kicla
    It's true! There are downsides
    to surgery, after all,
[09:28] Kicla
    so I can't recommend it lightly!
[09:31] Kicla
    I just meant that I'd do my best to help
[09:33] Kicla
    if he gave informed consent to that method!
[09:36] Alyssa
    Y-Yes, of course. I'm sorry I doubted you.
[09:40] Kicla
    Oh, but...
[09:41] Kicla
    If he does, may I keep any blood lost
    or feathers shaved off?
[09:46] Alyssa
    She has enough conscience not to
    do so without asking, and yet...
[09:49] Narrator
    Dr. Kicla's Diet Lecture!
SIGN    Chew your food thoroughly / Cut back on fat, oil, and sugar
    Eat lots of vegetables and seaweed / Eat dinner as early as you can
[09:52] Kicla
    This is more or less what you
    should keep in mind, food-wise.
[09:58] Kicla
    You've had a lot of cream
    in your snacks recently.
[10:03] Kicla
    I can't recommend eating that every day.
[10:06] Kicla
    While you're losing weight,
    I recommend nuts or yogurt.
[10:10] Kicla
    You've also used croissants
    for your bread a lot,
[10:13] Kicla
    so you should switch to bagels.
[10:16] Kicla
    I have an idea. As I recall,
    you don't have plans today.
[10:20] Kicla
    Shall we go exercise right now?
[10:23] Viola
    Sounds good.
[10:24] Phoenix
    Quite.
[10:26] Alyssa
    How does she know those things?
[10:29] Viola
    Here we are!
[10:31] Alyssa
    We can exercise to our hearts' content here.
[10:34] Viola
    Okay, let's get to it!
[10:35] Viola
    Wait, where's Dr. Kicla?
[10:39] Alyssa
    Doctor!
[10:41] Kicla
    Sorry... I'm so out of shape...
    my body is out of energy...
[10:46] Alyssa
    Just from coming here?!
[10:48] Viola
    Maybe you should improve your habits, too!
[10:50] Kicla
    N-Now, let's start with a light warmup...
[10:56] Kicla
    Sudden exercise is bad for your body...
[11:02] Viola & Alyssa
    She's a compelling example.
[11:04] Kicla
    Now your warmup! Ready, go!
[11:07] Alyssa & Viola
    1, 2, 3, 4!
[11:10] Narrator
    Menu item #1: running.
SIGN    Menu Item #1: Running
[11:12] Kicla
    Now, go ahead and lightly run.
[11:17] Alyssa
    I appreciate her instruction,
    but is she okay?
[11:20] Viola
    She worries me, so let's wrap this up
    before she feels better enough to rampage.
[11:24] Phoenix
    Understood.
[11:28] Alyssa
    I've never seen him so agile!
[11:30] Viola
    And when you look closely...
[11:31] Viola
    He's not running, he's floating!
[11:34] Alyssa
    How does that work?!
[11:36] Alyssa
    Ah, she looks a little better!
[11:38] Viola
    Oh, no! Next exercise!
[11:39] Narrator
    Menu item #2: strength training.
SIGN    Menu Item #2: Strength Training
SIGN    Sit-ups
[11:42] Narrator
    Sit-ups!
[11:46] Narrator
    Back extensions!
SIGN    Back Extensions
[11:49] Narrator
    Squat jumps!
SIGN    Squat Jumps
[11:53] Viola & Alyssa
    Where are the muscles?
[11:56] Narrator
    Menu item #3: side stepping.
SIGN    Menu Item #3: Side Stepping
[11:58] Alyssa
    His speed is going crazy again!
[12:01] Phoenixes 1>2>3
    They're. Not. Afterimages.
[12:02] Alyssa
    No way!
[12:04] Kicla
    Give me one, please!
[12:06] Alyssa
    Why'd you show her that?!
[12:08] Viola
    I wonder if he'd get slimmer
    if he created avatars out of his fat.
[12:12] Alyssa
    It would terrify me if that worked,
    so don't suggest it to him.
[12:16] Kicla
    Oh, we have a lake here.
[12:19] Kicla
    Let's try some water-based exercise, too.
SIGN    Menu Item #4: Swimming
[12:22] Narrator
    Menu item #4: swimming.
[12:27] Alyssa
    Why?!
[12:29] Phoenix
    I suppose I absorbed water.
[12:31] Alyssa
    I understand the reason, but not the logic!
[12:36] Narrator
    Drying!
[12:38] Kicla
    That's all for today.
[12:41] Kicla
    Great work.
[12:43] Alyssa
    Viola and Alyssa, you worked hard, too.
[12:49] Viola
    I'm tired in so many ways...
[12:52] Kicla
    I've come up with plans
    for everyone. Here you go.
[12:57] Kicla
    But you two are healthy already,
    so this is just for fitness.
[13:02] Viola
    Wow, really?
[13:04] Alyssa
    Thank you for going to the trouble!
[13:07] Viola
    Huh, yours has more sit-ups
    than mine. Does that mean...
[13:10] Alyssa
    N-No peeking!
[13:13] Phoenix
    I give thee my apology and gratitude.
[13:17] Phoenix
    I thought thou mightst use the pretext
    of exercise to seek my body.
[13:21] Fantasy Kicla
    S-Spread your wings for me!
[13:26] Kicla
    That's something I'd...
[13:27] Kicla
    I'd... never do... right...
[13:31] Kicla
    I-I may be depraved, but I am still a doctor.
[13:37] Kicla
    When I see your family worrying about you,
[13:41] Kicla
    even someone like me wants to help.
[13:46] Kicla
    Do your best.
[13:49] Phoenix
    Indeed.
[13:50] Narrator
    After that,
[13:53] Narrator
    Phoenix put his all into weight loss.
SIGN    chew
    chew
    chew
    
    chew
    chew
    chew
[13:57] Narrator
    Good daily habits and appropriate exercise
[14:00] Narrator
    steadily changed his body.
SIGN    Beans
[14:04] Narrator
    And one month later...
[14:11] Viola
    Phoenix, please get fatter...
[14:15] Narrator
    His body fat lessened,
    but his mystery only grew.
[14:23] Fennel
    Don't do it, Glind!
[14:25] Fennel
    It's crazy to strike a deal with him!
[14:27] Glind
    No, it's worth a try.
[14:30] Glind
    I'm about to get you out of here!
[14:33] Glind
    In exchange...
[14:34] Glind
    ...teach me how to get dates!
[14:37] Fennel
    Reconsider, Glind!
[14:38] Auri
    Wouldja lend me the money
    to pay my fine, too?
[14:40] Fennel
    Act guiltier, Auri!
SIGN    The Romantic Advice Circumstances of the Men without Dates
[14:44] Fennel & Glind
    "The Romantic Advice Circumstances
    of the Men without Dates."
[14:49] Auri
    I pushed my luck and got caught cheating.
[14:53] Auri
    See, I'd never been to that casino,
    so I misjudged when to stop.
[14:57] Auri
    Thanks for being my guarantors!
[15:00] Fennel
    Just don't cheat in the first place!
[15:02] Auri
    I know, I'll be careful from now on.
[15:05] Auri
    Can't very well disappoint Alyssa, you know?
[15:09] Fennel
    I'm amazed he thinks
    she still has hope for him.
[15:13] Fennel
    Seriously, don't seek advice from this guy.
[15:16] Glind
    Of everyone I know, he's got
    the most game with the ladies.
[15:20] Fennel
    His specific game isn't a useful example!
[15:23] Fennel
    This guy's approach is "save
    on lodging through one night stands."
[15:26] Fennel
    That's how loose his lifestyle is!
[15:27] ---
    Wow!
[15:28] ---
    You're the best!
[15:29] ---
    You're so dreamy!
[15:30] Glind
    When you put it that way...
[15:32] Auri
    I've gotta be more useful than the guy
[15:34] Auri
    who's failed to ask out his crush
    for a century now.
[15:36] Glind
    Drink up, Teacher!
[15:39] Glind
    Whoops, almost spilled.
[15:40] Glind
    So, Teacher, how does a guy get dates?
[15:43] Auri
    His face. End of lesson!
[15:44] Fennel
    You scum!
[15:45] Glind
    What happened to "more useful"?!
[15:48] Auri
    It's just, when I really think about it,
    what is there to teach?
[15:53] Glind
    It was stupid to ask for your advice.
[15:55] Fennel
    Told you.
[15:57] Fennel
    Listen, I'll introduce you
    to my brother. Ladies love him.
[16:00] Auri
    I have way more game
    than that forest gorilla!
[16:03] Fennel
    Don't be randomly competitive!
[16:05] Auri
    Very well. Auri, the Don Juan of witches,
    shall teach you everything.
[16:11] Auri
    Are you ready to deify me
    and worship me for generations?
[16:14] Glind
    I wonder if I really picked
    the wrong person...
[16:17] Fennel
    Yes!
[16:18] Auri
    Anyway, it's simple
    if you understand the fundamentals.
[16:22] Auri
    What do you think having game requires?
[16:25] Glind
    Huh? Well, a good face, like you said?
[16:29] Fennel
    A nonjudgmental attitude?
[16:31] Auri
    Yep, you're stupid dumbass idiots
[16:32] Auri
    who'll die with balls
    growing out of your foreheads.
[16:35] Fennel
    I'll punch you!
[16:36] Auri
    The right answer is...
[16:38] Auri
    Sympathy for others.
[16:40] Glind
    You think you have that?!
[16:42] Auri
    Just shut up and listen, virgin boys.
[16:45] Auri
    It sounds like you two think
    having game is a special skill.
[16:49] Glind
    You mean it's not?
[16:50] Auri
    Having game means being liked.
[16:53] Auri
    In other words, it refers to having
    good human relationships.
SIGN    FRIENDLY
[16:57] Auri
    And being sympathetic is what
    makes relationships go well.
[17:02] Fennel
    It annoys me to hear him make a good point.
[17:05] Auri
    It seems obvious, yet the world's
    full of guys who can't do it.
[17:09] Glind
    I-I see.
[17:10] Fennel
    You're right, that's fundamental.
[17:12] Auri
    Back in the day,
    I once turned into a girl—
[17:16] Glind
    What's with the creepy
    declaration, old man?!
[17:19] Auri
    Not in a weird way!
[17:20] Auri
    Once a long time ago,
    my sister suddenly told me
[17:22] Auri
    "I think I'm gonna make a little sister."
[17:26] Fennel
    What the heck?
[17:27] Auri
    Her story was something like,
[17:29] Auri
    she was interested in how our relationship
    and feelings would change
[17:31] Auri
    if my sex changed but our relative ages
    and positions stayed the same.
[17:36] Auri
    So I got hit with a sex change spell,
[17:40] Auri
    and I was a woman for the two weeks
    it took her to lose interest...
[17:43] Fennel
    I guess all little brothers
    get treated roughly.
[17:46] Auri
    We only truly understand others' emotions
    when we stand in their shoes.
[17:52] Auri
    Basically, I understand female
    emotions better than you.
[17:55] Auri
    I can be sympathetic.
[17:56] Auri
    That's why I've got game for days!
[17:59] Fennel
    I hate to say it,
    but that's oddly compelling.
[18:02] Auri
    Now for those all-important female emotions.
[18:06] Auri
    To explain it simply enough
    for even you two to understand...
[18:11] Auri
    I could crush your head with my bare hand.
[18:16] Fennel
    Scary conversation starter!
[18:17] Auri
    Yes! Exactly.
[18:19] Auri
    Men typically have more
    brute strength than women,
[18:22] Auri
    so flirting wrong just inspires terror.
[18:25] Auri
    One of us walking up is like an organ-sucking
    monster suddenly staring at your torso.
[18:29] Fennel
    Your analogy's scary, too!
[18:31] Auri
    Essentially, men will always fall into the
    "potentially dangerous" category.
[18:37] Auri
    It's a self-preservation thing,
    so it's natural and inevitable.
[18:44] Auri
    You need to be aware of that
[18:45] Auri
    and interact with them sincerely
    and on equal terms.
[18:48] Auri
    That has to come before
    stuff like love and lust.
[18:51] Glind
    Sincerely and on equal terms...
[18:54] Glind
    So they don't like me because I want them
    to treat me like a dirty little piggy!
[18:59] Auri
    I said it comes before lust.
[19:00] Fennel
    A difference in strength, eh?
[19:03] Fennel
    The women in my life are so strong,
    I forgot about that.
[19:06] Auri
    Yeah, there's individual
    and species-level variation.
[19:12] Fennel
    Was it tough for you
    when you were a woman, too?
[19:15] Auri
    You bet it was! Just
    remembering pisses me off.
[19:19] (Flashback) Iratio
    Watch where you're going!
[19:21] (Flashback) Pervical
    Your boobies are huge!
[19:22] (Flashback) Shaddup
    This is the problem with women.
[19:24] Auri
    Guys who wouldn't dare make
    eye contact with my male self
[19:27] Auri
    got all insolent just 'cause I was female.
[19:30] Auri
    They thought they could get away
    with it because I wouldn't fight back.
[19:34] Glind
    That's awful!
[19:35] Fennel
    Were you okay?
[19:36] Auri
    I nine-tenths killed each
    one of them right there.
[19:39] Fennel
    They weren't okay!
[19:41] Auri
    Never forget that I could slurp
    up your organs any time I wanted.
[19:46] Glind
    Is that tension necessary?!
[19:48] Auri
    Other than that, there are some techniques
[19:50] Auri
    for stuff like giving compliments
    and carrying on conversations,
[19:53] Auri
    but you two aren't ready.
[19:55] Auri
    They require appropriately tailoring
    your approach to each individual.
[20:01] Auri
    There's no manual or surefire technique
    that'll have everyone drooling for you.
[20:05] Auri
    Master the fundamentals. End of lesson.
[20:07] Fennel
    So the common advice "Girls like it
    when you pat them on the head" is wrong?
[20:13] Auri
    Obviously that depends on the relationship
    and how much they like you!
[20:17] Auri
    Did you believe that crap?
    You should be ashamed!
[20:20] Fennel
    Must you be so mean?!
[20:21] Auri
    Don't even think about patting Alyssa's head.
[20:26] Auri
    I'll explode your head
    before you get the chance!
[20:30] Fennel
    You've been after my head all night!
[20:33] Glind
    This was useful, actually.
[20:35] Glind
    Now I know there's no secret technique.
[20:38] Fennel
    Thinking about how she feels...
    It's obvious, but it's important.
[20:44] Auri
    Thanks for tying that up so well.
[20:46] Auri
    Still, it never hurts to have a nice face.
[20:50] Fennel
    Are you compelled to ruin everything?!
[20:53] Auri
    Glind's right that there's no secret.
[20:56] Auri
    There is a shortcut, though.
[20:57] Glind
    Oh? What is it?
[21:00] Catearina
    Thank you!
[21:01] Catearina
    I appreciate you filling
    an herb order so late at night.
[21:05] Alyssa
    Of course! We all help each other.
[21:08] Alyssa
    Thanks for coming with me, Screechy.
[21:12] Auri
    I'll turn you into women!
[21:14] Catearina
    What could that be?
[21:15] Glind
    What's with the creepy
    declaration, old man?!
[21:17] Glind
    No! Stay away from me!
[21:20] Auri
    I told you,
[21:21] Auri
    we only truly understand others' emotions
    when we stand in their shoes.
[21:24] Auri
    So become women!
[21:24] Auri
    Glind? Fennel? Stop, please!
[21:27] Auri
    I'll give you understanding.
[21:28] Fennel
    W-We're not your toys!
[21:31] Auri
    Save your breath.
    You're my toys now, girlies!
[21:43] Narrator
    The misunderstanding was cleared up,
[21:44] Narrator
    but Auri had—once again—
    disappointed Alyssa.
SIGN    Preview
[22:58] Alyssa
    This is Alyssa!
[22:59] Viola
    This is Viola!
[23:00] Alyssa & Viola
    Next time on The Family Circumstances
    of the Irregular Witch...
[23:03] Viola
    Mama!
[23:04] Mama
    Yes?
[23:05] Viola
    Thank you for everything!
[23:06] Alyssa
    What brought this on?
[23:09] Viola
    I just wanted to say it.
[23:11] Alyssa
    Aw, Viola.
[23:12] Viola
    I love you, Mama!
SIGN    The Family Circumstances of the Irregular Witch
[23:15] Alyssa
    I love you too, Viola!