E7 - An Idiotic Duo in the Slums: The World's Dumbest Robbers

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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:09] Satake/I
    My name is Satake Hirofumi.
SIGN    Satake Hirofumi
[00:12] Satake/I
    I'm an ordinary, run-of-the-mill former
    salaryman and death row inmate,
[00:17] Satake/I
    and currently a homeless illegal alien.
[00:20] Satake
    Why has it come to this?
[00:24] Satake/I
    It's only been a day
    since the kidnapping incident.
[00:29] Satake/I
    After Plateau-san died,
    the children were taken in by the police.
[00:35] Satake/I
    Since I was in the country unlawfully,
    I couldn't be found by the police,
[00:40] Satake/I
    so I left quietly.
[00:43] Satake/I
    Not being able to say goodbye to the kids
[00:46] Satake/I
    and not being able to say my farewells
    to Plateau-san was truly regrettable.
[00:51] (Flashback) Satake
    Goodbye, everyone.
[00:54] Satake
    Plateau-san, thank you for everything.
[01:19] Sign
    The Human Crazy University
SIGN    Episode 7
SIGN    An Idiotic Duo in the Slums
SIGN    An Idiotic Duo in the Slums
SIGN    The World's Dumbest Robbers
[02:32] Satake
    It's my first time here,
    but it really is a beautiful place.
[02:37] Satake
    I would have enjoyed the resort
    if I were here under different circumstances.
[02:43] Satake/I
    After I left the warehouse area,
[02:46] Satake/I
    I arrived in Acapulco, a famous resort city.
SIGN    The United States
SIGN    Mexico
[02:50] Satake/I
    The Embassy of Japan is in the capital, Mexico
    City, which is at least 300 kilometers away.
SIGN    Mexico City
SIGN    Acapulco
SIGN    More than 300km
[02:56] Satake
    How much do I have on me?
[03:00] Satake
    Oh.
[03:07] Satake
    Right.
[03:08] Satake
    I'm not sure if I can reach Mexico City,
    but I'll try and go as far as I can.
[03:15] Officer 1
    Excuse me.
[03:16] Satake
    Hm?
[03:18] Satake
    Y-Yes?
[03:19] Officer 2
    Counterfeit bills are going
    around here these days.
[03:22] Officer 2
    Could I see your wallet please?
[03:24] Satake
    O-Okay...
[03:28] Officer 1
    Good. Thank you.
[03:30] Officer 1
    You may go now.
[03:32] Satake
    What?! Hey, hey, hey!
[03:35] Satake
    Give me my money back—
[03:38] Officer 2
    Be grateful we didn't kill you.
[03:40] Officer 1
    Hm? What do you have there?
[03:43] Satake
    You can't have this!
[03:45] Officer 2
    Huh?
[03:46] Officer 2
    Are you really defying us in this city?
[03:50] Officer 1
    You got balls.
[03:53] Satake/I
    Is this for real?!
[03:55] Satake/I
    I thought Acapulco was
    a peaceful resort town!
[03:59] Professor/I
    Acapulco is a resort town in Guerrero, Mexico.
SIGN    Guerrero
[04:05] Professor/I
    Its ties with Japan go back to 1613,
    when the Keicho Mission to Europe,
SIGN    1613 AD
SIGN    Keicho Mission to Europe
    Hasekura Tsunenaga
[04:09] Professor/I
    led by Date domain retainer Hasekura Tsunenaga,
[04:14] Professor/I
    stopped there on their way to Rome.
SIGN    Mexico City
SIGN    Rome
SIGN    Sendai, Miyagi
SIGN    Acapulco
[04:18] Professor/I
    It is now a sister city to Sendai City in Miyagi Prefecture.
SIGN    Sister Cities
[04:22] Professor/I
    However, mafia conflicts have
    worsened since the 2000s,
[04:26] Professor/I
    and the city became drastically less safe.
[04:29] Professor/I
    There was a gruesome incident where 15 headless
    bodies were found by a shopping center,
[04:38] Professor/I
    and in 2012, it had the second-highest
    homicide rate in the world.
SIGN    2012 AD
SIGN    Homicide Rate in Major Cities
SIGN    Murder Capital
SIGN    Murder Capital
SIGN    Murder Capital
SIGN    Murder Capital
SIGN    Murder Capital
SIGN    Murder Capital
SIGN    Murder Capital
[04:44] Professor/I
    It came to be called "the murder capital."
[04:49] Professor/I
    The biggest cause of the
    deterioration in public safety was
[04:52] Professor/I
    thought to be corruption in the police force,
    which had essentially ceased to function.
[04:58] Professor/I
    The military took the matter seriously
    and started investigating,
[05:02] Professor/I
    which led to warrants for the arrest of
    two top administrators for murder.
[05:09] Officer 1
    Hmph!
[05:10] Officer 1
    I guess we'll let you go for now.
[05:13] Officer 2
    Don't ever think of talking back to us!
[05:19] Satake
    Thank goodness.
[05:23] Satake
    What do I do now?
[05:32] Satake
    Th-This area looks really sketchy.
[05:38] Old Prostitute
    Hey, mister!
[05:40] Satake
    Y-Yes?
[05:42] Old Prostitute
    How about tonight?
[05:44] Old Prostitute
    I'll make it cheap!
[05:47] Satake
    N-No, thank you!
[05:51] Old Prostitute
    Don't go! Mister!
[05:55] Satake
    G-Gunshots?!
[06:00] Satake
    I want to go back to Japan.
[06:04] Professor
    Satake-san's whereabouts are still unknown.
SIGN    D
    E
    T
    E
    N
    T
    I
    O
    N
    
    C
    E
    N
    T
    E
    R
[06:08] Professor
    We haven't found a body either.
[06:10] Shimoda
    Do you actually think he could be alive?
[06:14] Shimoda
    He fell 10,000 meters.
[06:17] Professor
    He has survived so many situations
[06:21] Professor
    that definitely would have killed other people.
[06:24] Professor
    You saw it with your own eyes.
[06:35] Shimoda
    That's true.
[06:37] Shimoda
    To tell you the truth, I have a
    feeling that he could be alive.
[06:41] Shimoda
    Are you going to look for Satake?
[06:43] Professor
    Obviously!
[06:45] Professor
    He's the best specimen I could ever want.
[06:49] Professor
    I won't let him get away.
[06:55] Shimoda
    O-Okay.
[06:57] Shimoda
    So what do you want from me?
[07:01] Professor
    I wanted to know more
    about what's happening around him.
[07:06] Professor
    The explosion on the plane we were on...
[07:09] Professor
    I think it was set off intentionally.
[07:14] Shimoda
    Do you suspect the victim's family,
    who asked me to hijack the plane?
[07:19] Professor
    Yes, someone is trying
    to assassinate Satake-san.
[07:25] Shimoda
    So that explosion could have been
    a backup plan in case I failed.
[07:31] Professor
    Shimoda-san,
[07:32] Professor
    could you tell me about the guy
    who called himself the victim's relative?
[07:39] Shimoda
    Okay.
[07:41] Shimoda
    I'll cooperate as much as I can.
[07:43] Shimoda
    I'm worried about Satake too.
[07:47] Professor
    Thank you.
[07:59] Satake
    I couldn't sleep a wink.
[08:03] Satake
    I'm starving.
[08:06] Satake
    Hm?
SIGN    Tasty Hot or Cold!
[08:20] Andre/Miguel
    Yo, yo, yo, yo!
[08:22] Store Owner
    Wh-What do you want?!
[08:24] Andre
    This is a robbery!
[08:25] Miguel
    Give us the money in the cash register!
[08:27] Miguel
    Or I'll shoot you in the head!
[08:29] Satake/I
    Oh no, a r-robbery?!
[08:31] Store Owner
    U-Um, you two looking for money?
[08:35] Andre
    Yeah!
[08:36] Andre
    That's why I'm telling you to give it to us!
[08:38] Store Owner
    I'm really sorry, but there's
    no money in the cash register.
[08:43] Miguel
    Huh? Why not?!
[08:45] Store Owner
    I just opened the store,
    so I haven't sold anything yet.
[08:50] Store Owner
    So if you want to rob me,
    you should come back a little later.
[08:55] Satake/I
    Oh, come on, there's no way they would—
[08:59] Andre
    You...
[09:00] Andre/ Miguel
    You're right!
[09:02] Satake/I
    They bought it?!
[09:03] Miguel
    When should we come back to rob you?
[09:05] Store Owner
    Let's see...
[09:07] Store Owner
    If you come back around 6:30 PM,
[09:09] Store Owner
    I'll have sold plenty of things,
    and there should be tons of money.
[09:13] Store Owner
    You should come back around then.
[09:15] Andre
    I see. That's good to know!
[09:18] Miguel
    Thanks for telling us, man.
[09:20] Andre
    We'll come back at 6:30!
[09:22] Store Owner
    All right, watch out for the cars.
[09:25] Store Owner
    Be back at 6:30, don't forget!
[09:27] Andre/Miguel
    Okay!
[09:29] Satake
    What?
[09:31] Store Owner
    Hello, is this the police?
[09:33] Store Owner
    I was robbed.
[09:35] Officer 3/I
    What?! We'll be right there.
[09:36] Store Owner
    Oh no, it's fine.
[09:38] Store Owner
    They'll be back at 6:30,
    so could you come around then?
[09:43] Officer 3/I
    Huh?
[09:44] Satake/I
    Yeah, that'd be my reaction too.
[09:47] Officer 3/I
    I doubt that they'd really...
[09:50] Store Owner
    They probably will.
[09:51] Store Owner
    They're dumb.
[10:04] Satake
    I guess I fell asleep.
[10:09] Satake
    Those guys said they'd come back at 6:30.
[10:15] Satake
    But, I mean, there's no way they'd—
[10:17] Andre
    We're here, man!
[10:18] Migue
    Give us the money!
[10:21] Satake
    They came?!
[10:24] Andre
    Why are the police here?
[10:26] Miguel
    That's not what you told us!
[10:27] Officer 3
    Hold up, you petty thieves!
[10:30] Professor/I
    Dumb criminals like these two
    really do exist in great number.
[10:36] Professor/I
    In 2013, a robber
    in Connecticut, USA...
[10:41] (Flashback) Bank Teller
    Hello?
[10:42] (Flashback) Robber 1
    I'll rob you in ten minutes,
[10:45] (Flashback) Robber 1
    so put 100,000 in a bag
    and leave it on the lobby floor!
[10:49] (Flashback) Bank Teller
    What?!
[10:50] Professor/I
    He made a call to the bank.
[10:52] Professor/I
    Naturally, the bank called the police.
[10:56] Professor/I
    When the robber came to pick up
    the bag, he was arrested.
[11:00] (Flashback) Robber 1
    Why are the police here?!
[11:02] Professor/I
    With another robbery in Iowa in 2009...
[11:07] (Flashback) Robber 2
    Shit! I forgot my mask!
[11:09] (Flashback) Robber 3
    No worries! I got something!
[11:12] Professor/I
    They smeared their faces with permanent
    marker instead of wearing masks.
[11:18] (Flashback) Robber 2
    This is perfect!
[11:20] Professor/I
    However, the ink didn't come off,
[11:23] Professor/I
    so the police were able to
    easily identify and arrest them.
[11:28] (Flashback) Robber 2
    How did they know?
[11:30] (Flashback) Robber 3
    Beats me.
[11:34] Officer 3
    Hey, you!
[11:35] Officer 3
    A couple of suspicious
    guys just came this way.
[11:37] Officer 3
    Which way did they go?
[11:38] Satake
    U-Um, well...
[11:40] Officer 4
    Tell us immediately!
[11:47] Satake
    That way.
[11:48] Officer 4
    That way, huh?
[11:49] Officer 4
    Hold up, dumb robbers!
[11:52] Satake
    Oh, well...
[11:53] Miguel
    Hey, you!
[11:57] Satake/I
    The robbers from earlier!
[11:59] Satake
    U-Um...
[12:01] Andre
    Thank you for helping us!
[12:04] Miguel
    I was so scared!
[12:06] Miguel
    The police are super terrifying!
[12:09] Satake
    Huh?!
[12:13] Sign
    The Human Crazy University
[12:16] Miguel/Andre
    Human Crazy University.
[12:16] Sign
    The Human Crazy University
[12:20] Satake
    This is where you live?
[12:23] Miguel
    Yup.
[12:24] Andre
    We haven't introduced ourselves yet.
[12:26] Andre
    I'm Andre.
SIGN    Andre
[12:28] Andre
    This is Miguel.
SIGN    Miguel
[12:29] Miguel
    Nice to meet you, Satake, bro.
[12:32] Satake
    Bro?
[12:33] Andre
    Come to our place, bro.
[12:36] Andre
    It's a dump, but at least it's got a roof.
[12:38] Andre
    Beats being outside.
[12:40] Miguel
    Yeah, we'd welcome you, bro.
[12:42] Satake
    No, I...
[12:44] Resident 1
    Welcome home, you two.
[12:45] Resident 1
    Who do we have here?
[12:47] Resident 2
    A guest of yours is a guest of ours.
[12:50] Resident 2
    Make yourself at home, our Asian visitor.
[12:52] Stake
    Um, actually...
[12:54] Andre
    What's wrong, bro?
[12:56] Miguel
    You're being cautious, right?
[12:57] Miguel
    It's not safe around here.
[13:01] Andre
    But the slums are safer than you'd think.
[13:04] Andre
    It's where the poor
    stick together to survive.
[13:08] Andre
    We need to help each other,
    or we'll all go down.
[13:11] Satake
    I see.
[13:12] Andre
    Though it is true that outsiders will be
     neither safe nor welcome here.
[13:19] Satake
    Eh?
[13:21] Andre
    But bro, you're fine!
[13:22] Andre
    You're part of our family now.
[13:24] Satake
    Th-Thank you.
[13:26] Andre
    Oh, please.
[13:27] Andre
    We're the ones who should be thanking you.
[13:29] Miguel
    You helped us total strangers.
[13:32] Miguel
    We can't thank you enough.
[13:36] Satake
    It was partially because of a personal grudge.
[13:39] Satake
    Anyhow, you should stop
    doing such dangerous things.
[13:44] Andre
    Dangerous?
[13:46] Andre
    What did we do?
[13:47] Miguel
    He must mean that time we fought with
    a dog over food we found on the streets.
[13:53] Andre
    Oh, that?
[13:56] Andre
    That was kind of dangerous.
[13:58] Andre
    You cried because you almost got bitten.
[14:01] Miguel
    Huh?! N-No, that's not true!
[14:03] Miguel
    Something got in my eye, that's all!
SIGN    Dust
SIGN    Dust
SIGN    Dust
SIGN    Dust
[14:06] Miguel
    You were the one who peed your pants!
[14:09] Andre
    So not true!
SIGN    Water
[14:11] Andre
    I only spilled the water I had!
SIGN    Water
[14:14] Satake
    What are you guys even doing?
[14:17] Satake
    I was talking about robbing places.
[14:19] Satake
    You shouldn't do that, and more importantly,
    you two aren't cut out for it.
[14:24] Andre
    Oh, you meant that?
[14:26] Andre
    I thought it was a good plan.
[14:29] Miguel
    Totally.
[14:30] Miguel
    What went wrong?
[14:31] Satake
    You seriously don't get it?
[14:33] Maria
    Welcome back, Andre-san, Miguel-san.
[14:36] Andre
    Oh, Maria-san!
[14:38] Maria
    Is this a friend of yours?
[14:41] Miguel
    This is our bro, Satake.
[14:43] Miguel
    He saved our lives.
[14:45] Andre
    Isn't that right, bro?
[14:48] Andre
    Bro?
[14:52] Satake
    Chie?
[14:53] Maria
    Eh?
[14:56] Satake
    I'm sorry, you just remind me
    of someone I know.
[14:59] Maria
    Nice to meet you.
[15:00] Maria
    I'm Maria.
SIGN    Maria
[15:02] Maria
    Please, have some if you'd like.
[15:04] Satake
    B-Bread?!
[15:05] Satake
    Can I?
[15:07] Maria
    Of course.
[15:08] Andre
    Maria-san sometimes donates food
    to people in the slums.
[15:13] Satake
    Wh-What an angel.
[15:13] Chibi Maria
    Here's some bread!
[15:15] Maria
    Not at all.
[15:17] Maria
    We owe a lot to everyone here.
[15:20] Kevin
    Hey, Maria!
[15:22] Maria
    Oh, Kevin. I'm coming.
SIGN    Kevin
[15:25] Maria
    Excuse me. See you later.
[15:30] Satake
    What did she mean about
     owing a lot to the people here?
[15:33] Andre
    Don't repeat this, but those
     two are running away.
[15:38] Satake
    Running away? From what?
[15:40] Miguel
    Probably from the mafia, I'm sure.
[15:43] Miguel
    It's not that rare in this city.
[15:45] Miguel
    Lots of us have shady pasts.
[15:47] Andre
    By giving food away like that,
[15:50] Andre
    at least they don't have to worry
    about someone betraying them.
[15:54] Andre
    It's a wise way for an outsider
    to survive in the slum.
[16:00] Satake/I
    I started living with Andre and Miguel
[16:03] Satake/I
    and worked to save up money
    to travel to Mexico City.
[16:10] Satake
    There we go.
[16:11] Old Woman
    Hirofumi, dear...
[16:13] Old Woman
    How does it look?
[16:15] Satake
    That should take care of the leaks, ma'am.
[16:18] Old Woman
    Thank you, Hirofumi.
[16:20] Old Woman
    I don't have money to pay you,
    but take these with you.
[16:24] Satake
    Tortillas!
[16:25] Satake
    Thank you, ma'am!
[16:27] Miguel
    Hey, bro!
[16:33] Andre
    You're too nice, doing these
     jobs that don't pay.
[16:36] Satake
    People here take care of me.
[16:40] Satake
    But I haven't saved up any money...
[16:44] Satake
    When will I get back to Japan?
[16:47] Miguel
    Do you miss Japan?
[16:49] Satake
    I guess so.
[16:51] Satake
    It wasn't all roses,
    but I do want to go back.
[16:56] Andre
    Hey, Miguel.
[16:57] Andre
    Do you wanna take our bro to that place?
[17:00] Miguel
    That place?
[17:01] Miguel
    Oh! It's a perfect time of the year!
[17:07] Satake
    Hey, where are we going?
[17:10] Satake
    It's scary being out at night.
[17:12] Andre
    Don't worry, you've got us.
[17:18] Satake
    A flower?
[17:20] Miguel
    We're here.
[17:23] Satake
    Wh-What the heck?!
[17:29] Satake
    Cherry blossoms?
[17:31] Andre
    Yup.
[17:32] Andre
    Mexican cherry blossoms. Jacaranda.
[17:35] Miguel
    A Japanese guy planted this tree.
[17:37] Satake
    Really?!
[17:40] Professor/I
    In 1912,
[17:42] Professor/I
    three thousand cherry blossom trees
    were planted in Washington, DC,
SIGN    1912 AD
[17:44] Professor/I
    as a symbol of the friendship
    between the US and Japan.
[17:49] Professor/I
    In reaction to that, in 1930,
[17:51] Professor/I
    Mexico talked to Japan about
    planting cherry blossoms
SIGN    1930 AD
[17:55] Professor/I
    in Mexico City to
    commemorate their friendship.
SIGN    Mexico City
[17:59] Professor/I
    Matsumoto Tatsugoro,
    a landscape designer who immigrated
[18:04] Professor/I
    to Mexico from Japan,
    was chosen as an advisor.
SIGN    Matsumoto Tatsugoro
[18:07] Professor/I
    However, since Japanese cherry blossoms
    do not thrive in Mexico's climate,
[18:12] Professor/I
    Tatsugoro suggested planting jacaranda,
    a tropical plant native to Brazil.
SIGN    Jacaranda
SIGN    Jacaranda
[18:18] Professor/I
    Currently, people can enjoy beautiful
    jacaranda blossoms in many cities in Mexico.
[18:32] Satake
    Thanks, you two.
[18:35] Satake
    Mexican cherry blossoms are beautiful.
[18:38] Andre
    Why don't we do that thing?
[18:40] Miguel
    Good idea.
[18:42] Satake
    "That thing"?
[18:43] Andre
    I hear all Japanese people do it.
[18:45] Miguel
    You got tortillas from
    that old abuela, so it's perfect.
[18:49] Satake
    You mean cherry blossom viewing?
SIGN    Cherry Blossom Viewing
[18:51] Satake
    But it's illegal to drink
    in public in Mexico, right?
SIGN    No drinking in public spaces
    
    or on the street
[18:55] Andre
    Don't be so uptight, undocumented immigrant.
[18:58] Miguel
    Just this one time won't hurt.
[19:04] Miguel
    Are you serious, bro?
[19:06] Miguel
    You gotta be kidding me!
[19:07] Satake
    Believe me, it's true!
[19:09] Satake
    My dick was... gone!
[19:14] Satake
    That was a surprise for sure.
[19:16] Andre
    Bro, you're such a funny guy!
[19:18] Miguel
    Bro, why don't you just stay here forever?
[19:22] Andre
    Exactly! Stay with us forever.
[19:25] Andre
    If you go back to Japan,
    you'll get arrested, right?
[19:31] Miguel
    Like I said before, a lot
    of us here have shady pasts.
[19:36] Miguel
    Bro, I'm sure you'll do just fine here.
[19:41] Satake
    Might not be a bad idea.
[19:44] Satake
    You two are dumb, but nice.
[19:47] Satake
    Everyone in the slum is good to me.
[19:50] Satake
    And I would get arrested if I went back to Japan.
[19:53] Andre
    Then...
[19:55] Satake
    No, I am going back.
[19:57] Satake
    I promised someone who helped me
    out when I first got here that I would.
[20:02] Satake
    And there's something I need
    to find out for myself.
[20:10] Andre/Miguel
    Boo!
[20:12] Satake
    I'm sorry.
[20:13] Satake
    So I need to save up some money quickly—
[20:15] Maria
    Help!
[20:16] Satake
    Wh-What was that?!
[20:19] Andre
    It's Maria-san!
[20:21] Miguel
    Kevin, too!
[20:24] Andre
    They finally got caught.
[20:26] Satake
    You mean by the mafia?
[20:28] Kevin
    Shit! You bastards!
[20:30] Kevin
    Keep your hands off Maria!
[20:32] Maria
    No! Let me go!
[20:34] Maria
    Help me, Kevin!
[20:37] Chie
    Help me, Hirofumi!
[20:42] Miguel
    Bro?!
[20:43] Miguel
    What are you doing?
[20:45] Mafia
    What the heck?
[20:46] Satake
    Hyah!
[20:48] Mafia 2
    Wh-Who the heck are you?
[20:51] Maria
    Kevin!
[20:52] Kevin
    Maria...
[20:53] Kevin
    What are you—
[20:55] Satake
    Run!
[20:56] Satake
    You two need to run away!
[20:58] Mafia 3
    Don't mess with us!
[21:02] Mafia 2
    Look what you did.
[21:04] Mafia 2
    You're not going anywhere.
[21:06] Kevin
    Shit!
[21:07] Mafia 3
    Hey!
[21:08] Mafia 3
    Take this one away too!
[21:09] Maria
    Please stop!
[21:10] Mafia 1
    I don't know who the hell you are,
    but you got in our way...
[21:17] Andre
    Wh-What do we do?
[21:19] Miguel
    I don't know, what do we do?!
SIGN    Atrocious Punishment
    Personalities Destroyed by Drugs
SIGN    Atrocious Punishment
    Personalities Destroyed by Drugs
SIGN    Episode 8
    Beasts That Feed on Love
SIGN    Next Episode
[22:56] Old Prostitute
    Wait up! Mister!
[22:58] Satake
    No! Let it go!
[23:01] Old Prostitute
    You won't be sorry!
[23:13] Satake
    I... can't breathe...
[23:15] Satake
    Please, stop this!
[23:18] Satake
    This is too cruel!
[23:19] Satake
    Why do you have to kill each other?!
SIGN    Please pardon our technical difficulties
SIGN    We will take precautions so that something this crazy] doesn't happen again in the future
SIGN    We hope you look forward to the next episode
[23:37] Sign
    Human Crazy University