9 - The 35th Drunken Platoon

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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Freshmen 35th Test Platoon
[00:01] Ouka
    An undercover operation?
[00:03] Ikaruga
    Yes. A magic artifact seller
[00:06] Ikaruga
    who got arrested confessed that
    an illegal magic artifact trade
[00:10] Ikaruga
    will happen tonight.
[00:11] Usagi
    So we go undercover
    and get the criminal, right?
[00:15] Usagi
    It's a great chance to get points quick.
[00:19] Ouka
    Then let's prepare for the operation at once.
[00:22] Ikaruga
    I know that I just gave you this tip,
[00:24] Ikaruga
    but I don't think you guys are up to it.
[00:27] Ouka
    Don't underestimate me.
[00:29] Ouka
    I've done undercover work many times.
[00:31] Ouka
    It won't be a problem.
[00:32] Ikaruga
    Really? I think you, in particular, should
[00:35] Ikaruga
    really consider dropping out.
[00:38] Ouka
    Suginami... Are you trying to insult me?
[00:41] Ouka
    If you insult me like that,
    I'm going to complete this mission without fail.
[00:45] Ikaruga
    Then I won't stop you. Well, have fun.
[00:49] Ikaruga
    The place you'll be infiltrating is...
[00:51] Man
    Hi, there!
SIGN    Episode 9: "The 35th Drunken Platoon"
[02:31] Usagi
    N-Nice to meet you.
[02:33] Usagi
    I'm Usagi.
[02:35] Mari
    And I'm Mari!
[02:36] Guest A
    Usagi-chan and Mari-chan, eh?
[02:39] Guest B
    You're both really cute.
[02:41] Guest C
    Have something to drink.
[02:43] Usagi
    Orange juice, please.
    We are presently on duty.
[02:46] Guest A
    On duty?
[02:47] Guest B
    Oh, so you're acting like you're underage.
[02:50] ---
    Nice.
[02:52] Guest C
    And what's your name, sweetie?
[02:54] Ouka
    O-Ohtori.
[02:56] Usagi
    Ohtori, don't be so standoffish.
[02:59] Usagi
    You'll blow our cover!
[03:00] Ouka
    Y-Yeah, I know!
[03:03] Ouka
    Now I realize how stupid I was
    to let Suginami bait me.
[03:08] Ouka
    Now I have to deal with these moronic men?!
[03:12] Ouka
    Ending this operation swiftly is my only hope.
[03:15] Guet A
    Wow! You've got big boobs, babe.
[03:18] Ouka
    You bastard!
[03:19] Guest A
    I'm a guest! How dare you call me a bastard!
[03:21] Ouka
    What's wrong with calling
    such a shameless oaf a bastard!
[03:26] Ouka
    Kusanagi!
[03:28] Takeru
    My apologies, sir.
[03:30] Takeru
    This is her first day.
[03:33] Guest
    Oh, fine. Whatever.
[03:35] Takeru
    I'm used to working late-night jobs.
[03:37] Takeru
    Leave the difficult customers to me.
[03:38] Hostess A
    Hey, guy in the vest,
    get me another bottle.
[03:42] Takeru
    Right away, Miss!
[03:46] Hostess B
    I broke my glass!
[03:47] Takeru
    My apologies. I'll clean it right up.
[03:50] Man
    That was really awesome!
[03:51] Takeru
    Seira-san, if you would accompany me.
[03:53] Hostess C
    Okay! I'll be right back.
[04:02] Usagi
    Kusanagi looked reliable for a moment...
[04:06] Mari
    This might be his calling.
[04:08] Ouka
    I thought swordplay was all he was good for.
[04:16] Takeru
    That guest at table #4...
[04:18] Takeru
    Keep your eyes on him.
[04:19] Both
    Roger.
[04:24] Man
    Yeah, it really was great.
[04:37] Hostess C
    You're too drunk.
[04:40] Sketchy guest
    Today's your birthday, right?
[04:42] SG
    I brought you a present,
    so be my girl tonight.
[04:45] SG
    Um...
[04:49] Ouka
    You bastard!
[04:50] Ouka
    Where do you think you're touching?!
[04:55] Usagi
    So he was our guy?
[04:56] Mari
    Huh? But we haven't seen
    the magic artifacts yet.
[05:00] Takeru
    Anyway, just cover Ohtori.
[05:02] Takeru
    This is the Inquisition!
[05:03] Takeru
    You're under arrest on suspicion
    of illegal trade in magic artifacts!
[05:09] Usagi
    It's just... a game system.
[05:12] SG
    She... wanted this.
[05:15] Ouka
    Huh?
[05:16] Other guests
    What is the Inquisition doing here?!
[05:20] Mari
    Wait... Is he the criminal?
[05:23] Takeru
    N-Never mind. Just arrest him!
[05:25] Takeru
    This is the Inquisition!
[05:27] Takeru
    You're under arrest on suspicion
    of illegal trade in magic artifacts!
[05:31] Other guest
    I'm sorry!
[05:33] OG
    It was just an impulse!
[05:38] Ouka
    Sorry... I messed up.
[05:41] Takeru
    W-Well, no helping it now...
[05:44] Usagi
    She's a girl.
[05:46] Usagi
    Any one of us would have been just
    as angry to have our bottoms touched.
[05:49] Mari
    But I think shooting live ammunition
[05:51] Mari
    was a bit extreme.
[05:54] Ikaruga
    Aw, man... If we take a penalty over this,
[05:58] Ikaruga
    we'll lose what few points we have.
[06:06] Takeru
    Do you know what this magic artifact is?
[06:08] Ikaruga
    It's made of low-grade
    magic absorption materials.
[06:11] Ikaruga
    It's just silver.
[06:13] Ikaruga
    No seals are stamped on it.
[06:16] Ikaruga
    It hasn't undergone any magical treatments.
[06:19] Mari
    Not to mention its magic is so weak
    that I can't make out its type.
[06:23] Mari
    But in any case, I don't think
    it's a significant magic artifact.
[06:27] Usagi
    So this turned out to be
    another F-rank magic artifact.
[06:31] Usagi
    We'd be lucky to get five points out of this.
[06:34] Takeru
    But we get double points
    for investigating it ourselves,
[06:37] Takeru
    so that's a bit better.
[06:39] Takeru
    We'll be able to make up for the penalty.
[06:41] Ouka
    W-Will we be okay?
[06:44] Ouka
    Isn't it dangerous to have it appraised?
[06:46] Ikaruga
    Well, we wouldn't be
    in this mess in the first place
[06:49] Ikaruga
    if somebody hadn't gone berserk.
[06:53] Ouka
    I really do feel sorry about what I did.
[06:56] Ikaruga
    If you think feeling sorry changes anything,
[06:59] Ikaruga
    you're still a widdle kid.
[07:04] Ikaruga
    We need conclusive evidence before
    we can get a certificate of authenticity.
[07:08] Ikaruga
    I guess I'll have to test it.
[07:11] Ouka
    Wh-What are you doing?
[07:13] Ikaruga
    I'll be fine.
[07:15] Ikaruga
    He was going to give this ring
[07:17] Ikaruga
    to a girl he liked, right?
[07:20] Ikaruga
    So the worst case scenario is it
    makes me fall in love with someone.
[07:23] Mari
    Stop it. That's plenty scary.
[07:26] Ikaruga
    We'll be okay.
[07:27] Ikaruga
    I'll probably just squeeze Usagi's big boobs
[07:30] Ikaruga
    or lick your flat chest all day.
[07:33] Mari
    How is that okay?!
[07:36] Ikaruga
    Fine. Then who's gonna test it out?
[07:38] Usagi
    Wh-What is it, Nikaido?
[07:40] Usagi
    Please don't squeeze it so hard.
[07:43] Mari
    What about you, Usagi-chan?
[07:44] Mari
    You could let it go, you know!
[07:47] Ouka
    You bastards!
[07:48] Ouka
    I hope that "Inquisitor hopefuls"
    like you won't
[07:51] Ouka
    act like the criminals we arrest!
[07:54] Takeru
    Whoops!
[08:01] Takeru
    Oh, crap!
[08:07] Takeru
    Ouch.
[08:15] Takeru
    Usagi? Are you okay?
[08:21] Usagi
    Kushanagi, what's wong?
[08:26] Takeru
    Usagi-san?
[08:27] Usagi
    Aw... Why?
[08:28] Usagi
    Why are you being so formal?
[08:31] Usagi
    I want you to call me "Usagi"
[08:34] Usagi
    wike you awways do.
[08:38] Takeru
    Ouch! What are you doing?
[08:42] Usagi
    Kushanagi, you smell good,
[08:45] Usagi
    wike awways.
[08:47] Usagi
    I wove dis smell vewy,
[08:51] Usagi
    vewy much.
[08:53] Takeru
    Hey?! What are you...
[08:56] ---
    
[09:01] Mari
    Why?
[09:03] Mari
    Why you gotta be wike dis, Takeru?
[09:06] Mari
    You've already got me!
[09:07] Mari
    Why are you flirting with Usagi-chan?
[09:11] Takeru
    Ouch! Ow, ow! Stop it!
[09:11] Mari
    Takeru, you stupid head!
[09:13] ---
    Stupid head! Stupid head!
[09:14] Takeru
    Are you guys drunk or something?
[09:17] Mari
    Yeah, I know. I know...
[09:19] Mari
    I'm smaller than she is.
[09:22] Mari
    And I know you
[09:25] Mari
    like 'em big, Takeru.
[09:30] Mari
    B-But listen!
[09:32] Mari
    Everyone says I don't have boobs,
[09:35] Mari
    but I've got 'em!
[09:38] Mari
    Yeah, they're small, but...
[09:39] Mari
    They're very, very small,
[09:42] Mari
    but I've still got 'em!
[09:45] Takeru
    Mari? Mari-san?
[09:48] Takeru
    Why are you suddenly
     unbuttoning your jacket?
[09:50] Takeru
    I didn't even mention your chest, did I?
[09:54] Mari
    See?
[09:55] Mari
    I've got 'em.
[09:57] Takeru
    No, no, no. Just hold on!
[10:04] Mari
    Why are you hiding them?
[10:06] Mari
    I knew it. You don't even wanna
[10:08] Mari
    look at my boobs!
[10:14] Ouka
    Kusanagi!
[10:15] Ouka
    Why do you look so dejected?
[10:18] Ouka
    Jeez. I'm asking you
[10:21] Ouka
    how you can look so dejected
    when I'm laughing so hard!
[10:26] Ouka
    Answer me, Kusanagi!
[10:29] Ouka
    Your skin is so smooth, Kusanagi!
[10:32] Ouka
    It's almost like a girl's!
[10:35] Takeru
    Whoa! Not so close!
[10:39] Takeru
    Don't lick my cheek!
[10:42] Ouka
    What? You don't like it?
[10:45] Takeru
    I don't dislike it. But...
[10:49] Ouka
    Then don't you dare complain!
[10:53] Takeru
    I'm surrounded by crying drunks
    and laughing drunks...
[10:57] Takeru
    No way. This can't be true?
[10:59] Takeru
    No...
[11:00] Takeru
    But you're a magic artifact...
[11:04] Lapis
    Hic...
[11:06] Ikaruga
    So it was a ring of drunkenness...
[11:09] Ikaruga
    Didn't see that coming.
[11:12] Takeru
    Thank goodness you're sober, Suginami.
[11:15] Ikaruga
    Sober? Do I look sober to you?
[11:19] Ikaruga
    Oh, widdle Kusanagi...
[11:22] Ikaruga
    Can you handle me?
[11:28] Ikaruga
    Looks like...
[11:30] Ikaruga
    I got drunk, too...
[11:55] Mari
    They're upset because summer
    won't end at their local beach?
[11:58] Ouka
    Apparently, ever since the beach
    opened to the public this year,
[12:01] Ouka
    summer won't stop.
[12:04] Usagi
    We're going to investigate the cause,
[12:06] Usagi
    since it's probably either
    an installed magic artifact
[12:08] Usagi
    or a witch's doing.
[12:10] Mari
    Temporary weather manipulation is one thing,
[12:13] Mari
    but locking in a season?
[12:15] Mari
    That's kind of impossible,
    even for highly skilled witches.
[12:18] Mari
    Don't you think it's just a hoax?
[12:20] Ikaruga
    Summer...
[12:21] Ikaruga
    If this is true, it's awful.
[12:24] Ikaruga
    Why would someone feel the need
[12:27] Ikaruga
    to extend the season I hate the most?
[12:29] Ikaruga
    They should just die.
[12:31] Takeru
    Well, we'll find out as soon as we get there.
[12:34] Takeru
    Since we get to take a long trip,
    we might as well have some fun with it.
[12:45] Ouka
    It's summer.
[12:47] Takeru
    Yeah, it's summer.
[12:49] Mari
    This is summer.
[12:50] Usagi
    Summer, indeed.
[12:51] Ikaruga
    They should just die.
[12:54] Ouka
    First, let's start investigating the shore.
[12:57] Ouka
    There might be something there.
[12:59] All
    Okay!
[12:59] Ikaruga
    They should just die....
SIGN    Episode 9.5: "Crazy Summer Time"
[13:03] Mari
    Yahoo!
[13:07] Mari
    It's so rejuvenating!
[13:10] Ouka
    You bastard! What are you doing?
[13:12] Mari
    Huh?
[13:13] Mari
    Well, I'm...
[13:14] Mari
    T-Technically, I'm not
    part of the platoon, right?
[13:18] Mari
    So I figured cheering you
    guys on from the sidelines
[13:20] Mari
    would put me at a perfect distance.
[13:25] Usagi
    Sorry I'm late! I took
    too long getting changed.
[13:29] Usagi
    How's the water?
[13:32] Usagi
    Is it cold?
[13:35] Ouka
    Saionji!
[13:36] Ouka
    Try running more calmly!
[13:38] Ouka
    Even in a one-piece suit,
    you could still fall out of that top!
[13:41] Ouka
    Wait! That's not the issue here.
[13:43] Ouka
    Why have you joined the slackers?!
[13:46] Mari
    Oh, see how they jiggle!
[13:49] Mari
    They jiggle in such a sublime way!
[13:53] Ouka
    Is this your doing, Suginami?
[13:54] Ouka
    We're here on a mission.
[13:57] Ouka
    Stop messing around!
[14:00] Ikaruga
    Here.
[14:01] Ikaruga
    Pick whichever one you like.
[14:12] Ouka
    I-It's not what you think.
[14:14] Ouka
    I figured this would make
[14:16] Ouka
    investigating underwater easier.
[14:18] Mari
    Yeah, whatever.
[14:20] Mari
    Hey, Takeru. The ocean is nice and all,
[14:24] Mari
    but isn't there something better
    you should be watching?
[14:29] Takeru
    Lapis, right now, I'm deeply grateful
[14:33] Takeru
    that you are my other half.
[14:34] Both
    Is that appropriate to say to a little girl
    wearing a school swimsuit?!
[14:42] Ikaruga
    They should just die.
[14:47] Takeru
    Good! Good!
[14:48] Ikaruga
    It's no good...
[14:50] Ikaruga
    I'm losing consciousness.
[14:52] Ikaruga
    Once this is over, please resuscitate me.
[14:54] Takeru
    Ordinarily, the girls' swimsuits would be
[14:58] Takeru
    the perfect bait for Suginami's jokes.
[15:00] Ikaruga
    What the hell? Stay out of this.
[15:03] Ikaruga
    Do you want some attention
    from your Onee-san?
[15:05] Ikaruga
    Okay, Kusanagi, sweetie.
[15:08] Ikaruga
    Put some suntan oil on me.
[15:10] Takeru
    That's not even a little bit sexy.
[15:14] Takeru
    What's wrong, Lapis?
[15:15] Lapis
    My host. What is that?
[15:18] Takeru
    You mean the fishing rod?
[15:20] Takeru
    You put bait on the hook and catch fish.
[15:24] Lapis
    Use a hook... and bait...
[15:27] Usagi
    Kusanagi! Let's partake in lunch!
[15:30] Takeru
    Sure!
[15:32] Takeru
    Lapis, let's go.
[15:37] Takeu
    Brain freeze!
[15:39] Usagi
    Ramen and yakisoba
    are a must at the beach!
[15:42] Usagi
    The cheap flavor is superb.
[15:46] Mari
    Huh? What happened to our mission?
[15:49] Ouka
    Sh-Shut up.
[15:50] Ouka
    An army doesn't march
    on an empty stomach, right?
[15:53] Mari
    I think I want a popsicle for dessert.
[15:56] Usagi
    I, too, would love to eat that.
[15:57] Ouka
    Let's buy enough for everyone.
[16:02] Usagi
    There isn't enough for everyone.
[16:04] Mari
    Then I'll have shaved ice, like Takeru.
[16:09] ---
    
[16:10] Mari
    What's wrong, Takeru?
[16:12] Takeru
    B-Bathroom...
[16:17] Usagi
    So it was just a stomachache...
[16:22] Both
    No, no, no, no, no!
[16:24] Usagi
    Where are you going?
[16:25] Lapis
    I must accompany my host...
[16:28] Mari
    But Takeru just went to the bathroom.
[16:30] Mari
    That's very inappropriate!
[16:31] Person
    Hang in there...
[16:33] Ouka
    What happened?
[16:35] Person
    He was attacked by a giant monster
    offshore and almost drowned!
[16:38] Ouka
    A giant monster?
[16:41] Ouka
    So this wasn't the work of someone's magic?
[16:44] Lapis
    No.
[16:45] Lapis
    This is probably a magical creature's doing.
[16:48] Both
    Magical creature?
[16:51] Lapis
    In the subspecies of sea hare,
[16:53] Lapis
    there's a type called Inviter of Summer.
[16:57] Lapis
    The Inviter of Summer, as the name implies,
[16:59] Lapis
    has the ability to make
    summer continue indefinitely.
[17:03] Usagi
    Then we should investigate right away!
[17:10] Ouka
    Uh, well... I'm not a good swimmer.
[17:14] Ouka
    For some reason, I sink.
[17:16] Usagi
    You can't swim?!
[17:18] Ouka
    I took lessons,
[17:21] Ouka
    but the teacher said I was too strong.
[17:23] Usagi
    A-And you, Suginami?
[17:25] Ikaruga
    Just leave me out of this.
[17:28] Ikaruga
    If you ladies want to pickle yourselves,
    that's your business.
[17:31] Usagi
    Kusanagi!
[17:35] Mari
    This is hopeless.
[17:36] Usagi
    Then, we only have one option.
[17:38] Usagi
    I shall be the vanguard.
[17:41] Usagi
    Let the Mini 35th Platoon charge!
[17:44] Mari
    Mini 35th Platoon?
[17:46] Usagi
    I'm referring to us three, of course.
[17:49] Mari
    Usagi and Lapis are mini,
    I'll give you that.
[17:52] Mari
    But I'm not short enough to be called mini.
[17:58] Mari
    They're not mini, either!
[18:01] Usagi
    Now, let's begin!
[18:03] Mari
    But how do we capture
[18:05] Mari
    a giant sea monster?
[18:09] Lapis
    How about this method?
[18:12] Mari
    Wait. What is this thing?
[18:14] Lapis
    A fishing rod.
[18:16] Lapis
    It is a weapon that makes
    use of bait on a hook.
[18:19] Usagi
    Yes, I am well aware
    that this is a fishing rod!
[18:21] Mari
    Why do we have to be the bait?!
[18:24] Lapis
    My host said that your
    swimsuits were perfect bait.
[18:27] Usagi
    That's not what he meant!
[18:32] Usagi
    Th-Th-Th-There's something beneath us...
[18:40] Ouka
    Saionji! What's wrong?
[18:41] Mari
    Ew! What is this pervy creature?!
[18:44] Mari
    Stop touching my butt!
[18:47] Usagi
    M-My chest...
[18:48] Usagi
    This can't be!
[18:51] Lapis
    My host, what shall I do?
[18:54] Takeru
    Wait... Can you give me a minute, Lapis?
[18:58] Lapis
    Understood.
[18:59] Mari
    Lapis-chan, please stop being so damn calm!
[19:01] Mari
    The rod! Raise the rod!
[19:04] Lapis
    No. My host told me to wait.
[19:06] Usagi
    Never mind him. Just do it!
[19:09] Lapis
    Very well.
[19:12] Lapis
    Due to excessive weight,
    the connection is disabled.
[19:15] Usagi
    Please, stop with the
    excessive weight remarks!
[19:18] Mari
    You're making it sound like we're too fat!
[19:24] Takeru
    I'm coming!
[19:27] Usagi
    Kusanagi!
[19:28] Mari
    Takeru, help me!
[19:31] Takeru
    Let's go, Lapis!
    Transform to witch hunter!
[19:33] Lapis
    Roger that, my host.
[19:36] Lapis
    All systems green.
[19:37] Lapis
    Precision: 100%. Witch hunter
    transformation, complete.
[19:41] Takeru
    Desiring with supreme ardor!
[19:43] Takeru
    Bring down the hammer against witches!
SIGN    Usagi: Wait! You can't swim, either?!
SIGN    Mari: Takeru, you're useless!
SIGN    Takeru: Sorry!
SIGN    Takeru: I'm sinking because my armor's too heavy!
[20:06] Lapis
    My deepest apologies.
[20:08] Lapis
    I should have assumed
    undersea warfare before installation.
SIGN    Mari: At this rate, we can't even be bait!
[20:14] Usagi
    Bait? That's it!
SIGN    Usagi: Fishing! Fishing!
SIGN    Takeru: You want me to dance?
SIGN    Usagi: No, that's not right!
[20:23] Lapis
    My host, I think she is suggesting that
[20:26] Lapis
    you use my form as a fishing rod.
SIGN    Takeru: I see!
SIGN    Takeru: That makes sense!
SIGN    Takeru: Lapis!
SIGN    Takeru: Can you do it?!
[20:33] Lapis
    Of course, my host.
[20:48] Mari
    Wait. Is this...
[20:53] Mari
    Now I can use magic!
[20:57] Takeru
    All right! The trio is going in!
[21:00] Mari
    Aurora Field!
[21:30] Takeru
    Anyway, case closed. Let's go home.
SIGN    Garigari-san Blue
[21:40] Usagi
    I shall accept without hesitation.
[21:44] Mari
    Thanks... But why?
[21:47] Ouka
    Today... you guys saved the day,
[21:51] Ouka
    Mini 35th Platoon.
[21:56] Takeru
    Mini 35th Platoon?
[21:58] Takeru
    But Mari isn't short enough
    to be called mini.
[22:05] Mari
    For the last time, they're not mini!
[22:09] Mari
    
SIGN    Kusanagi Miracle