9 - Whoa, I Battled with Game Cards!

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:02] ---
    Cards...
[00:03] ---
    Cards have existed since
    the Big Bang created the universe.
[00:08] ---
    It is said that, from ancient times,
[00:11] ---
    humans have assembled 40 cards into a deck
    to face their enemies in extreme combat.
[00:18] ---
    That long history of competition reaches
    its pinnacle in the ultimate card game:
[00:25] ---
    "Battle Creatures."
[00:28] ---
    The American presidential election,
    the disbanding of an idol group,
[00:30] ---
    "GNZ34 Graduation Event"
[00:31] ---
    and the initial shipment of anime disks,
    are all determined with this game.
[00:37] ---
    In other words, the master of
    Battle Creatures is the master of the world!
[00:43] ---
    Now, players of the world,
[00:46] ---
    pick up you decks and stand!
[00:48] ---
    Throw yourselves into
    the tumultuous seas of card battles!
[01:03] ---
    This seems good!
[01:10] ---
    Ahem.
[01:12] ---
    I will begin the pack opening ceremony
    for the latest Battle Creatures
[01:18] ---
    expansion pack, "Evolution of Nerd"!
[01:22] ---
    And now...
[01:24] ---
    The glorious first pack!
[01:28] ---
    Umm, no rare cards...
[01:30] ---
    Vanilla creatures only...
[01:33] ---
    But we are just testing the waters!
[01:35] ---
    Next up...
[01:37] ---
    Are there rare cards...?
[01:41] ---
    And... no.
[01:43] ---
    Well, they are called rare
    because they're hard to get!
[01:52] ---
    None, none, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...
[02:04] ---
    Th... This is the final one!
[02:18] ---
    I'm home!
[02:20] ---
    I never thought I'd get to see
    the censored episode of that anime.
[02:27] ---
    I guess you can't underestimate revival runs.
[02:31] ---
    Dead?!
[02:33] ---
    Oh, so that's it, huh?
[02:37] ---
    I didn't expect to bomb so hard...
[02:40] ---
    The Goddess of Cards must have forsaken me...
[02:43] ---
    Is that much drama really necessary?
[02:45] ---
    Hmm? Hey, this one hasn't been opened yet.
[02:53] ---
    Th-This is the magic card, "Thirty-Year Hermit!"
[02:57] ---
    "Three-Meter Radius Lifestyle"
[02:57] ---
    As its name suggests, it is almost never seen!
[03:00] ---
    It's a legendary-class ultra-rare card!
[03:03] ---
    "Thirty-Year Hermit"
[03:03] ---
    Huh? Seriously?!
[03:04] ---
    Great, Tamotsu!
[03:06] ---
    You have the Destiny Power to become
    a Battle Creatures player!
[03:11] ---
    I have a hidden power...?
[03:26] ---
    Tamotsu!
[03:28] ---
    This story--
[05:00] ---
    Hmm, I do want to put one more
    of these in the deck,
[05:01] ---
    "TRIP 9 - Whoa, I Battled with Game Cards!"
[05:04] ---
    but then I would have to remove this...
[05:07] ---
    But currently the deck's balance is...
[05:10] ---
    You seem very passionate.
[05:11] ---
    Oh, Kage-san.
[05:13] ---
    So you're playing
    Battle Creatures now, Tamotsu?
[05:16] ---
    Yes. I quit once, when the meta
    changed heavily a few years ago, but...
[05:22] ---
    Oh, yes, that was terrible.
[05:25] ---
    Oh, did you also--
[05:27] ---
    Yes! I used to make decks
    purely out of banned cards.
[05:32] ---
    You wouldn't be able to play
    in any official tournaments.
[05:34] ---
    Yes, but I defeated all of the
    grade-school kids in the neighborhood.
[05:39] ---
    What in the--
[05:40] ---
    I can't believe this!
[05:42] ---
    Hey! Cut it out already!
[05:44] ---
    What are you so worked up about?
[05:47] ---
    Oh no!
[05:48] ---
    The small one picks on me!
[05:51] ---
    Yeah, don't make a big deal out of that.
[05:55] ---
    What? You side with this fluffy pig?
[06:01] ---
    That's terrible...
[06:03] ---
    I didn't do anything wrong...
[06:05] ---
    Why do you say those things?
[06:08] ---
    Peek!
[06:09] ---
    Y-Yeah! You crossed a line!
[06:12] ---
    Apologize to Miumiu!
[06:14] ---
    Ugh, men...
[06:15] ---
    What do you mean?!
[06:17] ---
    Yeah! Just because I have one,
    don't group me with the likes of him!
[06:21] ---
    Huh?!
[06:22] ---
    Chuo Dori Vigilantes seem
    to have some sort of problem.
[06:26] ---
    Yeah, youth can cause those types of things.
[06:30] ---
    Koni-tan, you'll come with me to the
    Heavy Low End film show tomorrow, right?!
[06:35] ---
    N-N-No, you're coming with me, right?!
[06:38] ---
    Oh, I don't know...
[06:42] ---
    I'm so torn!
[06:45] ---
    So cute!
[06:47] ---
    Look, Miss Tetsuko, I took this photo.
[06:50] ---
    Wow, great. I want to take
    pictures like this, too.
[06:55] ---
    Oh, then you can have this lens,
    I'm not using it anymore.
[06:58] ---
    Are you sure?
[07:00] ---
    We can finally go alone on our
    abolished railroads trip in Hokkaido...
[07:03] ---
    Better yet, I just got two tickets to the Sleeping
    Express that is going out of business soon.
[07:07] ---
    If you want to go on a trip,
    come with me instead!
[07:09] ---
    Hey, you!
[07:10] ---
    Is it true that you jerked off to
    Miss Sacred Angel at the idol event?!
[07:11] ---
    "Seikimatsu: Um, excuse me"
    "Sacred Angel: Yes, what is it?"
[07:12] ---
    "Seikimatsu: Can I have a few minutes?"
    "Sacred Angel: Sure thing!"
[07:14] ---
    "Seikimatsu: Can you stay still for 10 minutes?"
    "Sacred Angel: Huh?"
[07:15] ---
    "Seikimatsu: I'll be very quick."
    "Seikimatsu: Really quick."
[07:16] ---
    Well, didn't you ask her to have chat-sex
    with you in exchange for a rare item?!
[07:17] ---
    "Lucky Punch: Hi, Lady Sacred!"
    "Sacred Angel: Good evening!"
[07:18] ---
    "Lucky Punch: Lady Sacred, do you want
    an EX Get Energy Drink by any chance?"
    "Lucky Punch: I ended up with too many"
[07:20] ---
    "Sacred Angel: Are you sure?"
    "Sacred Angel: It's a rare item..."
[07:20] ---
    "Lucky Punch: Sure!"
    "Lucky Punch: But I want to ask
    for a favor in return..."
[07:22] ---
    Hey, stop it...
[07:25] ---
    Please! Don't fight over me!
[07:29] ---
    Oh, Miss Sacred Angel!
[07:36] ---
    I've had it with you!
[07:39] ---
    We're done!
[07:45] ---
    And that's what happened.
[07:46] ---
    Stupid. What a petty reason to fight over.
[07:49] ---
    Maybe they weren't committed
    to the vigilante cause.
[07:52] ---
    Oh, I know what this is! It's a circrusher!
[07:56] ---
    Sakura...?
[07:57] ---
    Not sakura, circrusher.
    Short for circle crusher.
[08:02] ---
    It's what people call the girls who join
    an existing circle of friends and mess it up.
[08:07] ---
    Niwaka, where did you pick up
    such unnecessary information?
[08:11] ---
    Speaking of circles,
    on this morning's Clamas TV...
[08:16] ---
    Guys, another anomaly at Akiba!
[08:19] ---
    The various vigilantes that were
    protecting the peace in Akiba
[08:22] ---
    are disbanding, one after the other!
[08:24] ---
    It seems like they are all breaking up
    because of girls that joined recently.
[08:29] ---
    Circle crushing is coming up faster than the
    cherry blossom season, and the storm is here!
[08:34] ---
    We at Clamas TV will continue to investigate.
[08:38] ---
    Are you curious?
    Check out our next broadcast, too!
[08:43] ---
    Boys who aren't used to girls
    can get super excited
[08:45] ---
    just by getting a bit of attention.
[08:49] ---
    Maybe they can't handle the stimulus.
[08:52] ---
    But why so many at the same time...?
[08:55] ---
    It could be because of this.
[08:57] ---
    "Princess Company"
[08:59] ---
    Princess Company...
[09:01] ---
    "Introducing 'Princesses' to your circles.
[09:04] ---
    Akiba vigilantes, how about adding
    a pretty flower to your activities?
[09:10] ---
    For a girl to idolize,
    contact the following address..."
[09:15] ---
    Wow, I just peered into the dark
    side of the otaku industry...
[09:18] ---
    Suspicious...
[09:20] ---
    Of course this is suspicious.
[09:22] ---
    No, I mean...
[09:23] ---
    They could expand further
    with this type of business.
[09:28] ---
    Why limit it to just the vigilantes of Akiba?
[09:30] ---
    That is kind of weird.
[09:33] ---
    So... could it be?
[09:35] ---
    All right! Time to bust in!
[09:39] ---
    Hey, wasn't this where "Izakaya Gon-chan" was?
[09:42] ---
    Even more suspicious.
[09:44] ---
    Let's go!
[09:50] ---
    Welcome to the Princess Company!
[09:53] ---
    What type of Princess
    are you looking for today?
[09:56] ---
    We aren't here to play along
    with your stupid business!
[09:59] ---
    That's right! We have a one-man harem setup
    with Tamotsu; no need for girls!
[10:04] ---
    That's not the point!
[10:09] ---
    A harem? I'm jealous.
[10:17] ---
    I am... CEO of Princess Company...
[10:21] ---
    Iketeru Masada!
[10:23] ---
    CEO?!
[10:24] ---
    Weird hairstyle!
[10:26] ---
    A good-looking, young CEO? How overloaded!
[10:31] ---
    Focus! This is no time for that!
[10:33] ---
    But he must make at least
    30 million yen per year! He's great!
[10:38] ---
    The hairstyle is weird, though.
[10:40] ---
    A man's value is not determined
    by his annual income!
[10:42] ---
    It's all about what percentage of that income
    he's willing to spend on hobbies!
[10:45] ---
    Wow!
[10:46] ---
    Enough stupidity!
[10:48] ---
    He must be a Bugged One!
[10:53] ---
    Well, you have found out already...
[10:56] ---
    I tried to disband all of the annoying
    vigilantes in Akiba using these girls.
[11:03] ---
    I did not expect you to find out so fast...
[11:08] ---
    If the conditions seem to good,
    there's a trap hidden inside...
[11:11] ---
    Just like my grandma used to say.
[11:14] ---
    Since you came all the way out here,
    please do enjoy...
[11:20] ---
    ...the welcoming of my beloved Princesses!
[11:23] ---
    Here we come!
[11:35] ---
    Easy!
[11:36] ---
    You're the only one left, CEO Masada!
[11:43] ---
    Impressive! Electric Mayonnaise,
    the slayer of many of my comrades.
[11:47] ---
    I suppose it is only natural that
    my Princesses are not enough to stop you.
[11:50] ---
    I suppose the time has come
    for me to show my powers.
[11:52] ---
    Enough talk! Come on!
[11:56] ---
    Weak!
[12:05] ---
    Do you see?
[12:07] ---
    If I show my true powers,
    you stand no chance in simple combat.
[12:12] ---
    But where is the beauty in such a fight?
[12:16] ---
    We shall fight with this!
[12:18] ---
    Wait, what--?
[12:19] ---
    I accept!
[12:28] ---
    Bring it on!
[12:35] ---
    Akihabara, holy land of the otaku...
[12:38] ---
    The vigilantes who maintained
    the peace in this land
[12:41] ---
    were suddenly disturbed
    by circle crusher Princesses.
[12:44] ---
    With their bonds in disarray,
    many vigilante groups disbanded.
[12:49] ---
    Electric Mayonnaise find this suspicious,
[12:53] ---
    and trace the suspicion back
    to the Princess Company.
[12:59] ---
    When they infiltrated the company,
[13:01] ---
    CEO Iketeru Masada,
    a Bugged One as expected,
[13:06] ---
    challenged Tamotsu to a card battle.
[13:10] ---
    Can Tamotsu defeat CEO Iketeru
    and stop his evil conspiracy?!
[13:19] ---
    "Battle Creatures"
[13:25] ---
    Let's play with 2000 starting Life,
    Animated Rules.
[13:29] ---
    Yeah, at 4000 Life,
    we would take two weeks or more.
[13:35] ---
    I have the starting turn!
[13:36] ---
    My turn, I draw--
[13:37] ---
    Wait. In the current rules,
    the first player doesn't draw.
[13:41] ---
    Right...
[13:43] ---
    I summon Happy Nerd from my hand!
[13:48] ---
    I also play Long Blade Glow Stick,
    and equip it to Happy Nerd!
[13:53] ---
    "ATK"
[13:54] ---
    By equipping this card,
    his ATK rises by 300!
[13:59] ---
    An Otaku deck,
    based on Pure Boy-type creatures.
[14:03] ---
    You are no match for my Promenade deck.
[14:06] ---
    What?! We haven't even started yet;
    how can you tell?!
[14:10] ---
    You will see.
[14:12] ---
    Soon...
[14:14] ---
    My turn! Draw!
[14:16] ---
    I summon from my hand
    Bright Eyes Hot Guy!
[14:20] ---
    "ATK"
[14:23] ---
    When Bright Eyes is summoned, I can summon
    as many Groupie Girls from my deck as I like.
[14:30] ---
    Three copies of the same card...
[14:32] ---
    I knew it, he's a hardcore player.
[14:37] ---
    Umm...
[14:39] ---
    Please hurry.
[14:40] ---
    Sorry, um, I can't decide.
[14:43] ---
    Should I do this...?
[14:45] ---
    What's going on?
[14:47] ---
    It's obvious!
[14:49] ---
    Since he dedicated his life to Battle Creatures,
[14:52] ---
    he cannot escape any battle
    he has been challenged to!
[14:56] ---
    No, I mean, there's more of us.
[14:59] ---
    Can't we just gang up on him
    and beat him up?
[15:01] ---
    What are you saying?! Real violence
    is only the final alternative!
[15:05] ---
    "Follow the rules for a fun and exciting battle!"
[15:08] ---
    Magic card! Otaku Dance Squad!
[15:11] ---
    I can Special Summon up to
    three Happy Nerds from my deck,
[15:15] ---
    and deal that number times 300
    damage to the enemy player!
[15:19] ---
    Activate trap! Drinking Party Game!
[15:21] ---
    "Drinking Party Game"
    "Who's the King?"
[15:23] ---
    This card forces two creature cards
    to do battle with each other!
[15:28] ---
    Activate Convention Staff effect!
[15:30] ---
    Sample Booklet Inspection!
[15:31] ---
    "Sample Booklet Inspection"
    "Stars of the Back Stage"
[15:32] ---
    Reveal all face-down cards
    in the opponent's playing field!
[15:37] ---
    Activate Busts ability on Hidden Breasts Girl!
[15:42] ---
    You can do it, discover your self-esteem!
[15:45] ---
    Oh no!
[15:48] ---
    During this turn, Pure Boy-type creatures
    can only attack Hidden Breasts Girl!
[15:53] ---
    I activate Exploitative Gatcha from my hand!
[15:56] ---
    This card allows me to draw
    three cards from my deck!
[16:00] ---
    Mo-mo-moi! What a strong card!
[16:03] ---
    Is it really that strong?
[16:05] ---
    It would normally be banned instantly!
[16:08] ---
    Flash magic! But Only If You're Hot!
[16:09] ---
    "But Only If You're Hot"
    "Note: But Only If You're Hot"
[16:10] ---
    "ATK"
[16:11] ---
    All Promenade type creatures gain 500 attack!
[16:22] ---
    I disable the effect that disables
    the effect that disables the effect!
[16:25] ---
    I disable that effect that disables the effect
    that disables the effect that disables the effect!
[16:32] ---
    Oh, this is such a tense battle!
[16:34] ---
    I don't know, it looks pretty low-key to me...
[16:37] ---
    Ma, can't you see the blood, sweat, and
    visual effects between those clashing souls?!
[16:38] ---
    "Seriously?"
[16:43] ---
    You don't have the imaging skills!
    Train your imagination!
[16:48] ---
    I don't know...
[16:49] ---
    I activate the second effect on
    Take Home From Party!
[16:54] ---
    What?!
[16:56] ---
    Wait, that "second effect"
    is printed on the card text, right?
[17:02] ---
    Uhh...
[17:03] ---
    You can just read that
    and know what the card does.
[17:07] ---
    Why act so surprised?
[17:09] ---
    Don't question the tropes!
[17:11] ---
    Why did you just blow up?!
[17:13] ---
    Please, quiet during the game!
[17:16] ---
    I activate Virgin-Killing Clothes from my hand!
[17:20] ---
    All Pure Boy-type creatures
    are sent to the graveyard!
[17:29] ---
    Oh no!
[17:30] ---
    Now your playing field is wide open!
[17:33] ---
    I attack the enemy player directly
    with Bright Eyes Hot Guy!
[17:47] ---
    Don't die, Tamotsu!
[17:49] ---
    If the enemy utters that one word,
    you can still stand!
[17:54] ---
    Did I do it?
[17:59] ---
    What...?
[18:01] ---
    When I was attacked,
    I activated Express Option
[18:05] ---
    which negates all attacks
    but sets my Life to 100.
[18:10] ---
    You paid 400 Life to extend your death deadline.
[18:14] ---
    But now you have only 100 Life left.
[18:18] ---
    You don't have a means
    of overcoming this situation.
[18:21] ---
    Why don't you surrender, like a man?
[18:23] ---
    Unfortunately for you, my flavor text
    has no mention of surrendering!
[18:30] ---
    Why?!
[18:31] ---
    How can you continue fighting
    in the face of absolute despair?!
[18:37] ---
    That's because...
[18:39] ---
    ...I'm a Battle Creatures player!
[18:44] ---
    True, I don't have a card in my hand
    that can overturn this situation.
[18:49] ---
    But I believe in my deck.
[18:53] ---
    This deck, that has survived
    many battles with worthy opponents...
[18:59] ---
    I place my life on this draw!
[19:01] ---
    My turn! Draw!
[19:04] ---
    I can tell.
[19:11] ---
    This card is...!
[19:14] ---
    I summon Silent Unemployed Guy
    from my hand!
[19:17] ---
    "ATK"
[19:19] ---
    A creature with zero attack and
    zero income? What help would that do?
[19:24] ---
    I play magic card
    Thirty-Year Hermit from my hand!
[19:29] ---
    When this card is activated,
    all Pure Boy-type creatures on the playing field
[19:33] ---
    are set to defensive stance!
[19:35] ---
    Also, the enemy player cannot
    attack affected creatures!
[19:41] ---
    So you're going to shut
    yourself in and defend?
[19:43] ---
    How fitting for a reclusive otaku!
[19:45] ---
    Pure Boys creatures, after 30 years...
[19:50] ---
    ...become wizards.
[19:51] ---
    Huh?
[19:52] ---
    When Thirty-Year Hermit is on the field,
    Silent Unemployed Guy evolves!
[19:58] ---
    Shatter the flow of
    wasted milky fluids and arise!
[20:07] ---
    Wizard of purity, Pureness Wizard!
[20:11] ---
    "ATK"
[20:13] ---
    Three thousand ATK?!
[20:15] ---
    But Bright Eyes has 2,500 ATK.
[20:19] ---
    Even if you destroy him,
    I will only lose 500 Life.
[20:23] ---
    Not nearly enough to kill me.
[20:26] ---
    Don't be so sure!
[20:27] ---
    What?
[20:29] ---
    Pureness Wizard, when summoned,
[20:31] ---
    disables all effects of all cards in the field,
    and can attack the enemy player directly!
[20:36] ---
    Also, while this creature is in the field,
    the enemy player cannot activate
[20:40] ---
    any magic, trap, or creature effect!
[20:44] ---
    That sounds pretty unfair.
[20:47] ---
    I attack the enemy player directly!
[20:50] ---
    Descend, mighty force of justice!
[20:53] ---
    Justice Judge Kill!
[20:58] ---
    "Life"
[21:05] ---
    He did it!
[21:10] ---
    Huh?!
[21:11] ---
    H-How did losing in a card game
    tear off his clothes?!
[21:15] ---
    Because I'm a Battle Creatures player...
[21:20] ---
    "Battle Creatures"
[21:23] ---
    I don't understand at all...
[21:27] ---
    Guys, I'm so sorry I was tricked by that girl!
[21:31] ---
    No, I should apologize for being so impatient...
[21:36] ---
    It's okay. We're still the Chuo Dori
    Vigilantes, friends that protect Akiba.
[21:41] ---
    Right! Right!
[21:46] ---
    Looks like they were able
    to patch things up.
[21:49] ---
    Youth can cause those types of things.
[23:25] ---
    Akiba's Trip The Animation! Next episode,
[23:27] ---
    "TRIP 10 - My Pyloric Canal Just Opened?!"
[23:27] ---
    "My Pyloric Canal Just Opened?!"
[23:28] ---
    Tamotsu, what is this pyloric canal?
[23:30] ---
    The pyloric canal connects
    the stomach and intestines.
[23:32] ---
    By opening it, humans can
    surpass the limits of eating!
[23:34] ---
    Moi! This could be a giant-killing,
    the upset of the century!
[23:38] ---
    Let's go, "I'm done eating"
    is only the beginning!
[23:41] ---
    
[23:43] ---