E8 - Tsukihi Phoenix, Part One

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:01] Koyomi
    Let's end our story by revealing
[00:04] ---
    the true identity of Araragi Tsukihi.
[00:09] Tsukihi
    You're always like that, Onii-chan.
[00:11] Tsukihi
    You treat Karen-chan and me like kids.
[00:15] Koyomi
    The story of my bratty and annoying
[00:17] ---
    littler little sister will bring these episodes
[00:19] ---
    of my beloved companions and me to a close.
[00:22] Tsukihi
    How come you don't know?
[00:25] Tsukihi
    I'm platinum mad!
[00:27] Koyomi
    Araragi Tsukihi.
[00:28] Koyomi
    One of the Fire Sisters.
[00:30] Koyomi
    The younger little sister.
[00:31] Koyomi
    The littler little sister.
[00:33] Koyomi
    Second year, in middle school.
[00:34] Koyomi
    Born in April.
[00:35] Koyomi
    Age 14.
[00:36] Koyomi
    Blood type B.
[00:36] Koyomi
    A hysteric.
[00:37] Tsukihi
    I don't want to hear that from you.
[00:40] Koyomi
    Sly.
[00:41] Tsukihi
    You can be mad at Karen-chan,
[00:43] ---
    but please don't get mad at me.
[00:45] Koyomi
    Prone to heights of emotion.
[00:46] Tsukihi
    Huh?
[00:47] Tsukihi
    Onii-chan, where's that girl?
SIGN    
[00:50] Koyomi
    And immortal, too.
[00:51] Koyomi
    This is the story of just another fake.
SIGN    Episode 8: Tsukihi Phoenix, Part 1
SIGN    August 14th Monday Morning
SIGN    Sole
[02:59] Tsukihi
    Nii-chan, is there anything
    you want me to do?
[03:03] Koyomi
    No.
[03:04] Tsukihi
    There must be something, right?
[03:09] Tsukihi
    Come on, Nii-chan...
[03:11] Tsukihi
    I want to be useful to you.
[03:14] Tsukihi
    I may not look it, but I'm a
    very helpful little sister...
[03:17] Tsukihi
    A dedicated little sister...
[03:19] Tsukihi
    A little sister ready to serve you!
[03:21] Koyomi
    Nothing...
[03:22] Koyomi
    There's nothing!
[03:23] Koyomi
    There's nothing I would want my sister
    to do this early in the morning!
[03:27] Koyomi
    There's nothing I want you to do for me,
[03:30] Koyomi
    and there's nothing you can do...
[03:33] Koyomi
    As you can see, I'm trying
    to concentrate on studying.
SIGN    English Drills
[03:36] Koyomi
    I don't have time to play with
    a lower life form like you,
[03:40] Koyomi
    you single-celled organism!
[03:42] Koyomi
    If you're bored, go run through the fields.
[03:45] Koyomi
    You don't have to come back...
[03:54] Koyomi
    Um...
[03:59] Koyomi
    Araragi Karen, my sister, is wearing a skirt.
[04:14] Koyomi
    Who is this pretty girl?
[04:18] Koyomi
    Karen-chan!
[04:19] Koyomi
    If someone's bullying you, tell me!
[04:24] Koyomi
    Why didn't you talk to me
[04:26] Koyomi
    before this terrible thing happened?
[04:28] Karen
    No, nobody's bullying me.
[04:30] Karen
    If anyone is, it's you, Nii-chan.
[04:35] Karen
    I can laugh about this now.
[04:37] Karen
    But some of your thoughtless words
[04:39] ---
    almost drove me to suicide when
    I was in elementary school.
[04:44] Karen
    That was the start of my
    attempts to be a hero.
[04:48] Karen
    The hatred for evil in my heart
    is something you created.
[04:52] Koyomi
    But... But, Karen-chan...
[04:55] Koyomi
    If no one's threatening you,
[04:57] Koyomi
    there's no way you would dress like this!
[05:01] Koyomi
    Don't worry, Karen-chan.
[05:03] Koyomi
    I'll do something.
[05:05] Koyomi
    Leave it all to your big brother.
[05:08] Koyomi
    Let's start by giving me
[05:09] ---
    the addresses and cell phone numbers
    of whoever is bullying you.
[05:11] Koyomi
    And then the names of any teachers
    who let them get away with it!
[05:15] Koyomi
    I'll make them all pay!
[05:19] Karen
    Sometimes, Nii-chan,
    you're hotter than fire.
[05:23] Karen
    I'm in love.
[05:27] Koyomi
    Oh, I get it... It's cosplay.
[05:29] Karen
    Don't call a girl wearing a skirt "cosplay"!
[05:33] Karen
    Even I
[05:35] Karen
    get a little hurt.
[05:37] Karen
    That's the kind of stuff that
[05:39] ---
    made me want to kill myself
    in middle school.
[05:42] Koyomi
    So, there was a time when even
    you were delicate, huh?
[05:47] Koyomi
    If it isn't cosplay, and you aren't
    being bullied, what is it?
[05:50] Karen
    Well, I was wondering if it was cute...
[05:58] Koyomi
    Then I don't know what to say...
[06:02] Karen
    It's cute, isn't it?
[06:04] Koyomi
    S-Sure is cute...
[06:22] Koyomi
    K-Karen-chan...
[06:24] Karen
    Thank you!
[06:25] Karen
    I'm so happy you complimented me, Nii-chan!
[06:28] Karen
    I'm so happy. So happy... Yay!
[06:32] Karen
    I just feel so relaxed when I'm
    hanging on to Nii-chan...
[06:36] Karen
    It just feels so good,
    giving you a big hug like this!
[06:41] Karen
    This must be how a
    Tempur-Pedic pillow feels!
[06:44] Koyomi
    Stop it! It feels creepy.
[06:46] Koyomi
    Creepy! Creepy! Creepy!
[06:48] Koyomi
    I'm sorry.
[06:48] Koyomi
    It really, really, really feels creepy.
[06:50] Koyomi
    Get away from me!
[06:52] Koyomi
    What is this?
[06:53] Koyomi
    What did I do to you?
[06:55] Koyomi
    Karen-chan, what is the meaning of all this?
[06:58] Karen
    I don't know how to answer that...
[07:00] Karen
    I know. From now on, I've decided
[07:02] ---
    to be a good little sister, who loves her
    brother and would never disobey him.
[07:06] Koyomi
    I don't want that!
[07:08] Koyomi
    And I think that character
    would overlap with Kanbaru!
[07:12] Karen
    Kanbaru.
[07:19] Koyomi
    Um... Karen-chan.
[07:22] Koyomi
    Kanbaru is my junior by one year.
[07:25] Karen
    Yes...
[07:26] Karen
    Kanbaru Suruga.
[07:28] Koyomi
    Huh?
[07:30] Koyomi
    I didn't say her full name yet, did I?
[07:34] ---
    Karen-chan.
[07:35] Karen
    Nii-chan, I have a request!
[07:41] Karen
    Would you please introduce
[07:42] ---
    your little sister to Kanbaru-sensei?
[07:46] Koyomi
    Well, come to think of it,
[07:48] ---
    martial arts is a type of sport, isn't it?
[07:51] Koyomi
    I guess it makes perfect sense that you'd know
[07:54] ---
    a local star and national-level
    player like Kanbaru.
[07:57] Karen
    Please, Nii-chan...
[07:59] Karen
    Nay, Onii-sama.
[08:01] Koyomi
    Don't say "nay."
[08:03] Karen
    Aye, sir.
[08:04] Koyomi
    That's a good answer, but...
[08:06] Karen
    I'm so honored that you'd step on me...
[08:09] Koyomi
    And I'm seriously sick of seeing you bow.
[08:13] Koyomi
    Don't bow every time something happens.
[08:15] Koyomi
    Just so you know,
[08:16] ---
    in modern society, bowing is
    a form of violence!
[08:20] Karen
    Got it! Then I'll lick your feet.
[08:22] ---
    I'll start with the big toe,
    and work my way down!
[08:24] Koyomi
    That's why I'm telling you to stop!
[08:29] Karen
    Fine... Then I'll give you my virginity.
[08:32] Karen
    I'll give you my virginity, Nii-chan!
SIGN    Black Scene
[08:39] Koyomi
    I don't want my little sister's virginity!
[08:49] Koyomi
    I guess I should ask about this.
[08:51] Koyomi
    Karen-chan, you don't act like
    this outside, do you?
[08:54] Koyomi
    With your friends, or classmates,
[08:56] ---
    or teachers at school?
[08:58] Karen
    Of course not.
[09:00] Karen
    Everyone looks up to me.
[09:03] Koyomi
    Anyway, I'm amazed Tsukihi-chan
    loaned you those clothes.
[09:07] Koyomi
    You're gonna stretch the fabric
    if you wear them.
[09:09] Karen
    That's why I took them quietly...
[09:12] Koyomi
    She's gonna get mad at you later.
[09:14] Koyomi
    She's scarier than you are.
[09:16] Karen
    I hate to say this after you complimented me,
[09:18] ---
    but skirts don't seem to match my skin.
[09:23] Karen
    But this miniskirt works great for kicking.
[09:27] Koyomi
    By the way, Karen-chan,
[09:29] Koyomi
    how did you learn I was friends with Kanbaru?
[09:32] Karen
    Oh, the unofficial Kanbaru-sensei
    fan club, Kanbaru Tool,
[09:36] ---
    sent me a newsletter with lots
    of pictures of you in it.
SIGN    Kanbaru Tool
    
    This is the unofficial fan club,
    made by your host,
    a huge Kanbaru Suruga fan.
    It is unofficial.
    There are no dues.
    
    It's a place for comrades
    who secretly love
    Kanbaru Suruga to gather.
    
    !!No trolling!!
[09:44] Koyomi
    She didn't know you guys took
    those pictures, did she?!
[09:46] Karen
    And then my own investigations revealed
[09:49] ---
    that she looks up to you like a teacher.
[09:52] Koyomi
    Well, that's true, I guess.
[09:55] Karen
    I think this must be some
    kind of karma, Nii-chan.
[09:58] Karen
    Would you please introduce
    me to Kanbaru-sensei?
[10:02] Koyomi
    Karma, huh?
[10:08] Karen
    It may sound odd to say this,
[10:10] ---
    but I think Kanbaru-sensei and
    I would get along!
[10:15] Koyomi
    But I have no intention of introducing
    my sister to Kanbaru.
[10:19] Koyomi
    There's a reason I can't.
[10:20] Koyomi
    It's because I know her sexual proclivities,
[10:24] ---
    of which most people are unaware.
[10:29] Koyomi
    Karen-chan.
[10:31] Karen
    What is it, Nii-chan?
[10:32] Koyomi
    Give it up.
[10:38] Karen
    Now, let's talk, Nii-chan.
[10:42] Karen
    You're telling me you can't do a favor
    for your wonderful little sister?
[10:45] Karen
    Then I have my own idea.
[10:49] Koyomi
    I-If bowing doesn't get you what you want,
    you immediately resort to violence?
[10:53] Koyomi
    No way...
[10:54] Koyomi
    Seriously impossible!
[10:56] Karen
    Impossible?!
[10:57] Karen
    Then what am I supposed to do, Nii-chan?
[10:59] Karen
    Is there some way to get through
    to you, besides talking?
[11:04] Koyomi
    Then we need to have a game...
[11:08] Koyomi
    If we fight, we have a game.
[11:09] Koyomi
    That's our rule.
[11:11] Koyomi
    And just so we're clear, it won't be fair.
[11:17] Koyomi
    This is just your request.
    There's nothing in this for me.
[11:20] Koyomi
    Karen-chan, this game won't be fair.
[11:22] ---
    I'll have a huge advantage.
[11:25] Karen
    Okay, that works.
[11:28] Karen
    I guess you understand.
[11:30] Karen
    Sure, you can choose
    whatever rules you like.
[11:33] Karen
    To meet Kanbaru-sensei,
[11:36] Karen
    I'll pass any test!
[11:48] Karen
    Wait a second.
[11:49] Karen
    I'll get the tools ready.
[12:00] Karen
    Nii-chan, that was fast.
SIGN    Closed
[12:06] Karen
    Nii-chan?
[12:08] Karen
    That's my toothbrush you're holding, isn't it?
[12:14] Karen
    Y-You're not...
[12:17] Karen
    Nii-chan?
[12:19] Karen
    You're going to stick that toothbrush
[12:22] Karen
    up my butt?!
[12:27] Karen
    That's my brother...
[12:29] Karen
    Terrifying!
[12:33] Koyomi
    No, your brother isn't going to
    think up anything that terrifying.
[12:37] Koyomi
    Karen-chan,
[12:38] Koyomi
    a toothbrush is for brushing teeth.
[12:42] Karen
    Nii-chan,
[12:43] Karen
    you may be right, and a toothbrush
    may be for brushing teeth.
[12:46] ---
    But what of it?
[12:48] Karen
    You aren't going to tell me to brush
    my teeth here, are you?
[12:51] Koyomi
    No.
[12:52] Koyomi
    No, I'm not.
[12:53] Koyomi
    I won't have you brush them.
[12:55] Koyomi
    I'm going to brush them.
[12:59] Koyomi
    And I'm not going to brush my teeth.
[13:03] Koyomi
    I'm going to brush your teeth.
[13:06] Karen
    Um, I don't understand.
[13:08] Karen
    You're going to brush my teeth?
[13:11] Karen
    How is that a game?
[13:16] Koyomi
    You and Tsukihi-chan get your hair cut
    at a beauty parlor, right?
[13:19] Koyomi
    But I don't really like those.
[13:23] Koyomi
    I get nervous when someone I don't know
[13:25] ---
    touches my head.
[13:27] Karen
    Yeah, I only want the stylists
    I know cutting mine.
[13:32] Koyomi
    Psychologically, you have to be fairly close
[13:35] ---
    to someone before you'd allow
    them to touch your hair.
[13:38] Koyomi
    I've heard that some girls are more against
[13:41] ---
    having their hair touched than their bodies
[13:45] Karen
    What of it?
[13:46] Koyomi
    It's called "touching."
[13:48] Koyomi
    The most obvious example is hair-cutting.
[13:51] Koyomi
    Another example is tooth-brushing.
[13:55] Koyomi
    A moment ago, you didn't
    think it was a big deal.
[13:58] ---
    But usually, having someone else brush
    your teeth is out of the question.
[14:02] Koyomi
    Normally, you can do it yourself,
    and normally, you do.
[14:07] Koyomi
    In other words, Karen-chan,
[14:09] ---
    having someone else brush your teeth
[14:11] ---
    generates major psychological resistance.
[14:15] Koyomi
    If you can withstand
[14:17] ---
    that psychological resistance for
    five minutes, you win.
[14:21] Koyomi
    If you do, I'll introduce you to Kanbaru.
[14:24] Koyomi
    If you cry uncle before the
    five minutes are up, I win.
[14:27] Koyomi
    And I won't introduce you...
[14:32] Karen
    Is that all?
[14:33] Karen
    You made such a big deal out of it,
[14:36] ---
    even I was starting to get a little scared.
[14:38] Karen
    I'm a bit disappointed.
[14:40] Koyomi
    Are you?
[14:41] Karen
    Sure! It sounds great to me.
[14:44] Karen
    I mean, I wouldn't want a
    total stranger doing it,
[14:48] ---
    but you'll be doing it. Right, Nii-chan?
[14:50] Karen
    Then I'll be fine.
[14:53] Karen
    I'll clarify this.
[14:54] ---
    No matter what you do to me,
    I won't be embarrassed.
[14:59] Koyomi
    If I give up before time expires, you win.
[15:03] Karen
    For an introduction to the
    great Kanbaru-sensei,
[15:06] ---
    I think this is a bit too easy.
[15:09] Karen
    Actually, I'd hoped for something
    more challenging.
[15:14] Koyomi
    Okay, then we can start, right?
[15:17] Koyomi
    Sit down there.
[15:18] Karen
    Okay!
[15:27] Koyomi
    Ahhh.
[15:29] Karen
    Ahhh.
[15:32] Koyomi
    Now, feel the terror
[15:35] ---
    of the great Kanbaru-sensei for yourself.
[15:38] Koyomi
    Kanbaru-sensei's fetishistic ideas
    will lead to your defeat.
[15:41] Koyomi
    You must be overjoyed.
[15:56] Koyomi
    Did you just now understand?
[15:58] Koyomi
    But it isn't too late, Karen-chan.
[16:01] Koyomi
    I'm not messing with the
    exterior of your body.
[16:04] ---
    I'm messing with the interior.
[16:06] Koyomi
    To simplify this,
[16:08] ---
    it brings you pleasure.
[16:10] Koyomi
    Thin hairs are stimulating
[16:12] ---
    the delicate parts of your body,
[16:15] Koyomi
    so it must feel good.
[16:39] Koyomi
    Not bad...
[16:41] Koyomi
    It makes me want to try harder.
[16:47] Koyomi
    If you give up now, Karen-chan,
    you'll feel good.
[16:51] Koyomi
    Or rather, you'll stop feeling good!
[17:04] Koyomi
    Oh, no...
[17:05] Koyomi
    Hearing her moan makes
    me feel really weird...
[17:10] Koyomi
    It makes my heart race!
SIGN    3 minutes 24 seconds
SIGN    Tsukihi Phoenix Chapter
[17:31] Koyomi
    She really is cute...
[17:35] Koyomi
    This is seriously bad.
[17:36] Koyomi
    Was Karen always this cute?
[17:39] Koyomi
    Huh? Huh? Huh?
[17:40] Koyomi
    This is just a possibility,
[17:42] ---
    but could my sister be the
    cutest girl in the world?
[17:44] Koyomi
    I've always thought Hanekawa Tsubasa
    was the ideal woman,
[17:49] Koyomi
    but could I have been mistaken?
[17:53] Koyomi
    Even if she isn't better than Hanekawa,
[17:55] ---
    she could still give her a
    good run for her money.
[17:58] Koyomi
    No, no, no... Wait!
[17:59] Koyomi
    What am I saying?
[18:01] Koyomi
    No human could match Hanekawa.
[18:04] Koyomi
    This is a hallucination!
[18:06] Koyomi
    This special situation is
    weakening me. That's all!
[18:09] Koyomi
    I know that! I know that!
[18:12] Koyomi
    B-But...
[18:27] Koyomi
    K-Karen-chan...
[18:39] Koyomi
    Karen-chan...
[18:40] Koyomi
    Karen-chan...
[18:41] Koyomi
    Karen-chan...
[18:44] Karen
    Nii-chan...
[18:52] Karen
    Nii-chan...
[18:54] Karen
    It's okay.
[19:16] Tsukihi
    What are you doing?
[19:23] Tsukihi
    Onii-chan, Karen-chan, please tell me
    what, exactly, is going on here?
[19:27] Koyomi
    W-Wait, Tsukihi-chan!
[19:29] Koyomi
    It's not what you think!
[19:30] Tsukihi
    Why is my brother happily pushing Karen-chan
[19:34] ---
    into the bed, while brushing her teeth?
[19:38] Tsukihi
    Why is Karen-chan wearing my clothes and
[19:42] ---
    happily smiling, while being pushed
    into the bed by my brother?
[19:47] Koyomi
    Why am I pushing my little sister into
[19:49] ---
    the bed with a smile,
    while brushing her teeth?!
[19:53] Karen
    Why am I wearing my little sister's clothes,
[19:55] ---
    smiling, as my big brother
    pushes me into the bed?!
[19:59] Karen
    What a surprise!
[20:01] Karen
    Y-You saved us, Tsukihi-chan!
[20:03] Karen
    Thank you!
[20:14] Tsukihi
    Would the judge be merciful?
[20:16] Tsukihi
    Would there be room for
    extenuating circumstances?
[20:19] Tsukihi
    Let there at least be a stay of execution,
[20:22] ---
    Karen-chan and I hoped.
[20:24] Tsukihi
    Would you two stay like that,
    just for a moment?
[20:28] Tsukihi
    I'm running to the convenience
    store to buy an awl.
[20:31] Koyomi
    There would not be.
[20:33] Koyomi
    We were given the death penalty.
[20:37] Karen
    Tsukihi-chan, I don't think they sell
    awls at the convenience store.
[20:41] Karen
    You'd have to go to a specialty goods store!
[20:47] Karen
    Nii-chan, you're heavy.
[20:49] Koyomi
    Oh, sorry.
SIGN    Closed
[21:04] Karen
    So, Nii-chan, about our game...
[21:08] Karen
    It's way past five minutes.
[21:11] Koyomi
    Crap...
[21:14] Koyomi
    Fine... A promise is a promise.
[21:18] Koyomi
    Okay, Karen-chan.
[21:20] Koyomi
    I'll introduce you to Kanbaru.
[21:23] Koyomi
    You did well, Karen-chan.
[21:26] Koyomi
    You win.
[21:27] Koyomi
    I lose today.
[21:30] Koyomi
    I'll accept it.
[21:36] Karen
    N-Nii-chan?
[21:38] Koyomi
    What?
[21:39] Karen
    I-If you really insist,
    and only because you insist,
[21:44] ---
    we can go best out of three.
[21:47] Karen
    You know, Tsukihi-chan interrupted midway.
[21:51] Karen
    That normally means it's a tie.
[21:54] Karen
    A-And there's still time before
    Tsukihi-chan gets back...
[21:59] Karen
    We can go into extra innings if you want.
[22:03] ---
    Uh...
[22:06] Koyomi
    O-Okay, maybe I will...
[22:10] Karen
    Y-Yeah.
[22:12] Karen
    Now that you've said that,
    I can't turn you down.
[22:16] Karen
    I accept... I accept your challenge!
[22:20] Koyomi
    Th-This time, you want to do me?
[22:24] Karen
    Y-Yeah, th-that's fairer.
[22:30] Koyomi
    And so, starting that morning,
    Karen and I
[22:34] ---
    began to get along a little better.