Season 1

E1 - Tatami-chan's a Tokyoite Now
Source: Crunchyroll
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[00:00] Narrator
    She comes from Tohno to Tokyo,
    where she's always wanted to live.
[00:03] Narrator
    Tatami-chan is a zashikiwarashi,
    a spirit that brings happiness.
[00:08] Narrator
    How will she fare in the big city,
    having moved from the countryside?
[00:15] Tatami
    So this is the Tokyo that 
    I've always wanted to see.
[00:17] Tatami
    I hope I'll do all right here.
SIGN    The House Spirit
    Tatami-chan
SIGN    Episode 1: "Tatami-chan's a Tokyoite Now"
[00:25] Tatami
    Starting today, I'm living in this one-room
    apartment with a rent of 50,000 yen.
[00:29] Tatami
    Here goes!
[00:31] Tatami
    Wait, this property's haunted?!
[00:33] Tatami
    I got ripped off!
[00:35] Ghost
    'Sup? I look forward to getting to know you.
[00:38] Tatami
    No, don't you "'sup" me.
[00:39] Tatami
    Pay half the rent if you're
    going to room with me.
[00:42] Ghost
    I don't have money.
[00:43] Tatami
    Work, damn it! Work!
[00:44] Tatami
    You won't pass on, you won't work...
    You're a hopeless ghost!
[00:48] Ghost
    So mean...
[00:50] Tatami
    And who are you?!
[00:52] Landlady
    I am the landlady here.
[00:54] Landlady
    I came to see if you're
    using the room properly.
[00:56] Tatami
    Hey, landlady!
[00:57] Tatami
    There's a ghost living here!
[00:59] Landlady
    A ghost? I don't know what
    you're talking about.
[01:01] Tatami
    Don't try to act dumb, lady!
[01:03] Landlady
    Stop with the slander.
[01:04] Ghost
    Slander! Slander!
[01:07] Tatami
    I just moved to Tokyo!
    I'm still nervous, too!
[01:10] Landlady
    Well, my condolences to you.
[01:11] Ghost
    Damn you!
[01:13] Landlady
    I suspect you'll have a
    hard time here in Tokyo.
[01:16] Landlady
    Say, do you know where Hachiko-mae is?
[01:19] Tatami
    Hachiko, what?
[01:21] Ghost
    Do you know what Shibuya Hikarie is?
[01:23] Tatami
    Hika... Hika... What?
[01:25] Landlady
    Do you know where the
    Tokyo Olympics are being held?
[01:28] Tatami
    Aren't they holding the
    Tokyo Olympics in Tokyo?
[01:31] Landlady
    This is the problem with country bumpkins.
[01:33] Landlady
    How amusing.
[01:35] Tatami
    I heard people in Tokyo are cold,
    but you're downright nasty.
[01:39] Landlady
    I'm not sure this tiny little girl
    is going to survive in Tokyo.
[01:42] Tatami
    Don't you dare underestimate me, damn it!
[01:44] Bouzu
    Are you the new face?
[01:46] Bouzu
    You haven't even said hi to
    your neighbors, you disgrace.
[01:48] Landlady
    Tickling Priest-san.
[01:50] Tatami
    You people just barge into
    my room unannounced.
[01:52] Tatami
    Who the hell is this old fart?!
[01:54] Bouzu
    Where's your modest gift for your neighbors?
    You lack common sense!
[01:57] Bouzu
    I'll tickle the hell out of you!
[01:59] Bouzu
    Tickle, tickle...
[02:01] Landlady
    Oh, my, that looks uncomfortably tickly.
[02:02] Ghost
    Curse you! Curse you!
[02:04] Tatami
    Freaking hell!
[02:05] Tatami
    Tokyo is as scary as they say.
[02:07] Tatami
    You're all insane!
[02:09] Ghost
    That's right, Tokyo is scarier than any ghost.
[02:12] Bouzu
    Indeed.
[02:13] Bouzu
    I've seen ghosts and monsters of all kinds,
    but the humans of Tokyo are beyond terrifying.
[02:17] Tatami
    Yeah? Good for you.
[02:19] Tatami
    I already hate all of you.
[02:21] Landlady
    How unfortunate.
[02:22] Bouzu
    Say, who are you, anyway?
[02:25] Tatami
    I'm Tatami-chan the house spirit.
[02:27] Tatami
    I'm a god of fortune.
    I bring people happiness.
[02:30] Landlady
    I have a hard time believing this
    little girl can make people happy.
[02:33] Bouzu
    Are you going to make us rich?
[02:35] Tatami
    I sure am.
[02:36] Tatami
    You'll be thanking me soon enough.
[02:39] Ghost
    Will I be able to pay off my debts?
[02:41] Tatami
    You have debts?
[02:42] Landlady
    Will I meet a lovely man?
[02:45] Tatami
    Sure you will, eventually.
[02:46] Landlady
    Don't go talking out your ass!
[02:48] Tatami
    Oh, that's how you want to talk?
[02:50] Tatami
    Your whole year's going to suck.
[02:52] Landlady
    Wait, please.
[02:53] Tatami
    It's going to be totally dull.
[02:56] Bouzu
    Is this little girl really
    a god of happiness?
[02:59] Tatami
    You don't believe me?!
[03:01] Ghost
    You laughed at me, just now!
[03:03] Bouzu
    It's hard to believe.
[03:05] Tatami
    Leave it to me, and you can be rich
     or even run Japan's economy.
[03:10] Landlady
    That's some big talk.
[03:12] Landlady
    I hope you aren't lying.
[03:13] Tatami
    Don't underestimate me!
[03:15] Tatami
    I'll show you what I'm made of.
[03:17] Bouzu
    Oh? Let's see what you've got, then.
[03:20] Landlady
    I can't wait.
[03:22] Narrator
    Tatami-chan the house spirit
    has moved to Tokyo.
[03:27] Narrator
    What will her life there be like?

E2 - You Shall Not Pass, Tatami-chan
Source: Crunchyroll
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SIGN    The House Spirit
    Tatami-chan
SIGN    Episode 2: "You Shall Not Pass, Tatami-chan"
[00:04] Narrator
    In the human world,
    people flow in a certain way.
[00:09] Narrator
    The city has its own flow, as well.
[00:12] Narrator
    Going against that flow is strongly frowned
    upon, and can put your life in danger.
[00:17] Narrator
    Huh. Tatami-chan, who's only
    been in Tokyo for a week,
[00:23] Narrator
    seems to be confused at the station gate.
[00:25] Narrator
    What has her so confused?
[00:31] Tatami
    Yo, what is this? There's no place
    for me to put the ticket in.
[00:34] A
    Move, damn it!
[00:35] B
    You're in the way!
[00:36] C
    I'll smack you, wretched brat!
[00:38] Tatami
    Sheesh, I'm taking a lot of heat.
[00:44] Tatami
    I should be able to ride the train
    as long as I have this ticket.
[00:47] Tatami
    Why can't I go through?
[00:48] Tatami
    Why? Why? Why?
[00:50] Tatami
    Is it made so that only
    Tokyoites can go through?
[00:53] D
    Standing in the way...
[00:54] E
    I'm going to shove my fingers
    up your ass, moron!
[00:56] Tatami
    No, no, no, I can't take it!
[00:58] F
    Why are you hanging around here whining?
[01:01] Tatami
    I just want to ride the
    train with this ticket.
[01:04] Tatami
    There's no slot for the ticket
     on this machine.
[01:07] F
    You can't get through the ticket gate?
[01:09] Tatami
    Hey! You laughed!
[01:12] F
    Poor thing.
[01:13] F
    You must not be qualified
    to go through the gate.
[01:16] Tatami
    I need to be qualified
    to go through the gate?
[01:19] F
    The humans of Tokyo are exhausted
    by the concrete jungle.
[01:23] F
    You don't look exhausted enough.
[01:26] Tatami
    I have to be tired to go
    through the ticket gate?
[01:29] F
    You need to look like you're fed up
     and worn down by society.
[01:32] F
    Can you do it?
[01:33] Tatami
    Like this?
[01:34] F
    Hey, not bad.
[01:36] F
    Try it now.
[01:37] F
    You'll see the ticket slot now.
[01:40] Tatami
    Hey! I don't see the ticket slot!
[01:43] Tatami
    You lied to me!
[01:45] F
    Country bumpkins are so gullible.
[01:47] F
    Goodbye.
[01:48] Tatami
    Damn it, he was messing with me.
[01:49] Tatami
    I can't believe I'm getting screwed
    by this stupid ticket gate!
[01:52] Priest
    What are you doing, Tatami-chan?
[01:54] Tatami
    Tickling Priest.
[01:56] Tatami
    You came at a good time.
[01:57] Tatami
    This ticket gate won't take my ticket
     and I don't know what to do.
[02:01] Priest
    That's what's wrong? 
    Take a good look.
[02:02] Priest
    There are two kinds of gates: one for
    pass cards and another for tickets.
[02:07] Tatami
    Wait, where?
[02:09] Tatami
    Wow, I never noticed.
[02:11] Priest
    Tatami-chan, tickets are passé.
[02:13] Priest
    Every Tokyoites has a pass card.
[02:16] Tatami
    I see.
[02:17] Tatami
    So that'll let me go through
    the ticket gates smoothly.
[02:21] Priest
    Look, you can buy a pass card
    from the station attendant over there.
[02:25] Tatami
    Thank you belly macho, Tickling Priest-san.
[02:27] Tatami
    Station attendant, one pass card please!
[02:30] Attendant
    One pass card, coming right up!
[02:32] Tatami
    I bought one.
[02:33] Priest
    Now touch your card against that panel
     and it will let you through.
[02:35] Tatami
    All right, let's give this a shot!
[02:38] Tatami
    Hey!
[02:39] G
    Keep your card loaded, dammit!
[02:39] H
    You're so freaking slow!
[02:41] Priest
    The passenger in front of you
    forgot to put money on his card.
[02:44] Tatami
    All right, once more!
[02:46] Tatami
    Jeez!
[02:47] I
    I'mma kill you!
[02:48] J
    Yo, do you not have money?
[02:49] Priest
    It happens.
[02:51] Priest
    It's annoying, huh?
[02:52] Tatami
    Again!
[02:53] Priest
    You're out of luck today.
[02:54] Tatami
    Damn it, guy, what the hell are you doing?
[02:57] Priest
    Don't do that, Tatami-chan.
[02:58] Priest
    You'll become just like
    the cranky Tokyoites.
[03:01] Tatami
    I can't get used to the
    flow of things in Tokyo.
[03:05] Priest
    All right, let's use brute force.
[03:07] Priest
    I'm going to tickle these people. Go!
[03:10] K
    What's up with this priest?
[03:12] Priest
    Tickle, tickle, tickle...
[03:13] K
    Stop, please!
[03:15] K
    Stop it!
[03:15] Tatami
    Thanks a lot, Tickling Priest!
[03:20] Tatami
    Woohoo! I can finally ride the trains!
[03:23] Tatami
    I'm a Tokyoite now!
[03:58] Machine
    Please reload your card.

E3 - A Horror Story! Inanogawa-san
Source: Crunchyroll
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SIGN    The House Spirit
    Tatami-chan
SIGN    Episode 3: "A Horror Story! Inanogawa-san"
[00:04] N
    It's been a month since
    Tatami-chan arrived in Tokyo.
[00:07] N
    Let's see how she's doing.
[00:09] N
    Oh? She's at home, being cranky.
[00:12] N
    She seems to be on edge after
    losing big at half-yen pachinko.
[00:17] N
    It's best to leave her
    alone at times like this.
[00:20] Tatami
    Damn it, I'm so pissed!
[00:23] Tatami
    Nothing's gone right since I came to Tokyo!
[00:25] Tatami
    I can't take it!
[00:26] Tatami
    I can't take it anymore!
[00:27] Landlord
    She's cranky.
[00:29] Priest
    You lost horribly at pachinko?
[00:31] Tatami
    What do you want?
[00:32] Tatami
    Leave me alone!
[00:33] Tatami
    I'm in a bad mood right now!
[00:35] Landlord
    Tatami-chan, do something
     to take your mind off it.
[00:38] Priest
    We were planning to go to Room 201 to
    hear Inanogawa-san's horror stories.
[00:43] Tatami
    Inanogawa-san's horror stories?
[00:46] Inanogawa
    I'm Inanogawa.
[00:49] Priest
    Inanogawa-san, would you mind
[00:50] Priest
    telling Tatami-chan one of your
    horror stories to cheer her up?
[00:53] Inanogawa
    Understood.
[00:55] Inanogawa
    I'll tell you one of my
    terrifying horror stories.
[00:58] Landlord
    Hustle! Hustle!
[01:00] Tatami
    Are horror stories supposed
    to make you feel better?
[01:02] Inanogawa
    This story is about my friend's
    friend's friend's friend.
[01:09] Tatami
    That's pretty distant.
[01:10] Inanogawa
    This really is a scary story.
[01:13] Priest
    What exactly happened?
[01:15] Inanogawa
    I'm scared to even speak of it.
[01:18] Inanogawa
    I don't know...
[01:19] Inanogawa
    Maybe I shouldn't...
[01:21] Tatami
    You've got me interested.
[01:22] Inanogawa
    This story can put the
    storyteller's life in jeopardy.
[01:27] Landlord
    How horrible.
[01:29] Inanogawa
    You can't take horror
    stories lightly. Got it?
[01:32] Inanogawa
    Terrible things can befall the storyteller,
    as well as the audience.
[01:36] Tatami
    Get to it, damn it!
[01:37] Inanogawa
    This happened about ten years ago.
[01:40] Priest
    Oh?
[01:41] Inanogawa
    Ten years ago...
[01:42] Inanogawa
    Wait, was it five years ago?
[01:44] Landlord
    Five years ago!
[01:45] Inanogawa
    No, was it a year ago?
[01:48] Priest
    A year ago?
[01:49] Inanogawa
    Ah, maybe it was a month ago.
[01:51] Landlord
    A month ago!
[01:52] Inanogawa
    Was it yesterday?
[01:53] Tatami
    Hurry up, you bastard!
[01:55] Priest
    Hustle! Hustle!
[01:56] Tatami
    Jeez, give me a break, you guys.
[01:58] Tatami
    I'm bummed out, right now.
[02:00] Tatami
    I want to be by myself.
[02:01] Inanogawa
    Oh? You aren't interested?
[02:03] Inanogawa
    What shall I do about my horror story?
[02:06] Landlord
    Please, Tatami-chan,
    you're being rude to Inanogawa-san.
[02:09] Tatami
    Forget the horror story.
[02:11] Inanogawa
    Thank goodness.
[02:12] Inanogawa
    I might die from telling that
    horror story and I almost did.
[02:15] Tatami
    Seriously, what's your deal?
[02:17] Priest
    No, Inanogawa-san,
    please tell us your horror story.
[02:21] Inanogawa
    Are you sure?
[02:22] Tatami
    Can I go home, already?
[02:24] Inanogawa
    Well, then, let's get back in
    the mood and tell the story.
[02:27] Landlord
    Here we go!
[02:29] Inanogawa
    This was around the beginning of February.
[02:32] Inanogawa
    It sure so cold.
[02:34] Inanogawa
    And when it's cold, you start
    craving a warm bowl of ramen.
[02:38] Priest
    Yes, ramen.
[02:39] Inanogawa
    Hot pot's good, too.
[02:43] Tatami
    Dude.
[02:44] Inanogawa
    Oden's great, too.
[02:45] Tatami
    Is this guy actually going 
    to tell a horror story?!
[02:48] Inanogawa
    I wouldn't want shaved ice when it's cold.
[02:50] Landlord
    Hustle! Hustle!
[02:52] Priest
    Inanogawa-san, please!
[02:54] Inanogawa
    Now I'm going to tell you
    my terrifying horror story.
[02:57] Tatami
    Whatever, let's hear it.
[02:59] Inanogawa
    This is one of my most frightening horror
    stories. I don't even want to tell it.
[03:04] Priest
    Really?!
[03:04] Inanogawa
    This is something that really happened to me.
[03:09] Inanogawa
    I don't know, I'm scared.
    This is bad. I'm scared.
[03:12] Tatami
    Damn it, please! Please! Inanogawa-san!
[03:14] Inanogawa
    So scary!
[03:15] Tatami
    I was frustrated, but I'm 
    starting to feel better!
[03:17] Priest
    That's great, Tatami-chan.
[03:19] Landlord
    I'm glad Inanogawa-san's horror
    story helped you feel better.
[03:22] Tatami
    He never told us his horror story!
[03:23] Inanogawa
    That's great.
[03:25] Inanogawa
    Before you go, how about a scary story
[03:27] Inanogawa
    that'll bring you bad luck
    for having listened to it?
[03:29] Tatami
    Hell no!

E4 - Karaoke Party of One
Source: Crunchyroll
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SIGN    The House Spirit
    Tatami-chan
SIGN    Episode 4: "Karaoke Party of One"
[00:04] N
    Tatami-chan is enjoying karaoke today.
SIGN    Karaoke SOUND
[00:09] N
    She seems to be getting
    used to life in Tokyo.
[00:11] N
    She's full of energy.
[00:13] N
    She must feel comfortable
    going out on her own.
[00:15] N
    Will she not need anyone to
    clap out the beat for her?
[00:18] Tatami
    There are these karaoke
    boxes all over Tokyo.
[00:21] Tatami
    I'm going to master karaoke like
    the young people these days.
[00:26] Tatami
    All right, I'm all set.
[00:37] Song
    Dates, dates, fun dates
[00:41] Song
    I want to go to the zoo
[00:47] Tatami
    Wh-What do you want?!
SIGN    Staff
[00:48] Staff
    I'm just here to deliver
    this melon soda for you.
[00:53] Tatami
    I see.
[00:54] Tatami
    My bad.
[00:55] Tatami
    What?
[00:56] Tatami
    Leave already.
[00:58] Staff
    A girl's singing karaoke by herself.
[01:01] Tatami
    Jeez!
[01:02] Tatami
    What a rude employee.
[01:04] Tatami
    Aren't you supposed to come here to sing?
[01:06] Tatami
    Let's get back in the mood
    and sing my heart out.
[01:11] Tatami
    This is fun.
[01:13] Tatami
    Tickle, tickle, tickle,
    tickle, sleep paralysis...
[01:16] Tatami
    What do you want?!
[01:17] Staff
    Did you know?
[01:18] Staff
    When you sing a song at karaoke,
    the musician makes some money.
[01:23] Tatami
    Really?
[01:24] Tatami
    Not that I needed that information.
[01:27] Tatami
    You're distracting me.
[01:28] Staff
    What are you singing right now?
[01:29] Tatami
    What? You laughed just now!
[01:31] Staff
    I was just wondering what you're singing.
[01:33] Tatami
    What?!
[01:34] Staff
    Tickle, tickle, sleep paralysis?!
[01:35] Tatami
    You're making fun of me, aren't you?!
[01:37] Tatami
    Manager!
[01:37] Tatami
    Bring me your manager!
[01:39] Manager
    I'm the manager.
[01:40] Staff
    Manager, do you know a song that goes,
    "tickle, tickle, sleep paralysis"?
[01:44] Manager
    I do not.
[01:45] Manager
    You must be singing a rather obscure song.
[01:48] Tatami
    What's wrong with you two?
[01:49] Tatami
    Get out of the room, please!
[01:51] Tatami
    What's wrong with this karaoke box?
[01:54] Tatami
    Is it really that weird that
    I'm singing by myself?
[01:57] Tatami
    Tickle, tickle...
[01:59] Tatami
    Dude!
[02:00] Pink
    You're right. She's actually
    singing by herself.
[02:03] Blue
    It's that solo karaoke thing that
    people are doing these days.
[02:05] Tatami
    What do you want, damn it?
[02:06] Tatami
    Do you want to hear me sing?
[02:08] Tatami
    I get embarrassed, okay?
[02:10] Tatami
    I don't like people watching me sing.
[02:11] Manager
    I thought you might be lonely
    singing by yourself.
[02:13] Tatami
    No, man.
[02:14] Orange
    We'll listen for you.
[02:16] Pink
    We'll score your singing ability.
[02:19] Tatami
    You don't need to.
[02:20] Tatami
    Stop wasting my time and go away.
[02:22] Blue
    Don't mind us. Just sing.
[02:24] Pink
    Do you need us to clap out the rhythm?
[02:26] Tatami
    What's wrong with you people?!
[02:27] Tatami
    You're messed up!
[02:28] Orange
    Singing by yourself... I wonder
    if she doesn't have any friends.
[02:31] Tatami
    Leave me alone!
[02:32] Pink
    If you'd like, we offer friendship services.
[02:37] Tatami
    What kind of service is that?
[02:38] Tatami
    No, thank you.
[02:39] Blue
    The service costs 100,000 yen.
[02:41] Tatami
    That's expensive!
[02:42] Manager
    Encore!
[02:44] Tatami
    "Encore," my ass.
[02:45] Tatami
    Are the staff here going to get in the
    way of a customer having fun singing?
[02:49] Tatami
    Why do you do that?
[02:51] Manager
    What?!
[02:51] Tatami
    No, don't "what?!" me.
[02:52] Tatami
    I'm asking you to leave.
[02:55] Orange
    Will you let us hear you sing?
[02:56] Tatami
    I never said that!
[02:57] Manager
    Our task, as the karaoke box staff,
    is to ensure that you have a good time.
[03:01] Manager
    We can't just let a girl sing by herself.
[03:04] Tatami
    I don't need your pity.
[03:06] Tatami
    Screw it! The bill!
[03:08] Tatami
    Bring me the bill!
[03:09] Pink
    There's a fun song playing.
[03:11] Blue
    Here we go!
[03:12] Pink
    If you're going to sing, you might as well
    have an audience to make it more fun.
[03:15] Manager
    We ought to have some fun.
[03:17] Manager
    We're all tired from working every day.
[03:19] Manager
    Heal us with your song.
[03:21] Orange
    That's right, that's right!
[03:22] Orange
    He's totally right!
[03:23] Tatami
    I was here for some
    me-time, singing karaoke.
[03:26] Tatami
    How did it come to this?!
[03:27] Tatami
    Damn it!
[03:58] Orange
    You suck.
[03:59] Tatami
    Hey!

E5 - Do You Know Social Media?
Source: Crunchyroll
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SIGN    The House Spirit
    Tatami-chan
SIGN    Episode 5: "Do You Know Social Media?"
[00:05] N
    SNS stands for Social Networking Service.
[00:09] N
    I have no idea what that means.
[00:12] N
    Let's see if Tatami-chan understands
    the value of those services.
[00:18] Landlord
    I look so Instagrammable.
[00:20] Tatami
    What are you up to, Landlady?
[00:22] Landlord
    Look at this feature.
[00:24] Landlord
    It cleans up your face so that
    you look cute in your photos.
[00:27] Tatami
    Oh, you're right.
[00:28] Tatami
    It made your scary eyes bigger.
[00:30] Tatami
    You look even creepier, though.
[00:32] Landlord
    Apps like this have been
    popping up everywhere.
[00:34] Landlord
    Taking photos with your phone is fun.
[00:37] Priest
    We're posting our adorable
    photos on SNS sites.
[00:41] Tatami
    SNS is that thing, right?
[00:43] Tatami
    Social networking?
[00:45] Landlord
    I'm surprised you know about that.
[00:46] Tatami
    Why would you post your
    face on social media?
[00:50] Priest
    Currently, the world is
    all about asserting yourself.
[00:53] Tatami
    Why would you assert yourself?
[00:54] Landlord
    Because that's the way
    the world is right now.
[00:56] Tatami
    Is there something good about posting
    your photos for the world to see?
[01:00] Landlord
    It's fun, showing the world the
    things you think are good.
[01:05] Tatami
    Why?
[01:06] Landlord
    Why?
[01:07] Landlord
    Because you're finding agreement
    with complete strangers.
[01:10] Priest
    It's person-to-person communication.
[01:12] Priest
    Humans crave connection
    through communication.
[01:16] Tatami
    Humans need communication to get by?
[01:20] Landlord
    Well, no, they don't need it, but...
[01:23] Tatami
    So it's an age when people value
    their connection with other people.
[01:26] Priest
    That's right.
[01:27] Priest
    It's a beautiful age, when things that were
    unthinkable in the past are now possible.
[01:31] Landlord
    It's a warm age, when we can feel
    the connection between people.
[01:36] Tatami
    But, but...
[01:37] ---
    What?
[01:37] Tatami
    That feature that cleans up your face is fakery,
    so you're basically lying to strangers.
[01:44] Landlord
    It's not good to think
    about such dumb things.
[01:48] Tatami
    Do you feel warmth in lying to people?
[01:51] Landlord
    Well...
[01:51] Priest
    Well, it's more of a little white lie.
[01:53] Priest
    What does it matter if
    everyone's having fun?
[01:55] Tatami
    So why would you care about
    impressing people like that?
[01:58] Priest
    You aren't necessarily
    trying to impress people.
[02:00] Tatami
    Is it attention seeking?
[02:02] Priest
    Attention seeking?
[02:05] Tatami
    Do you want to become famous?
[02:06] Priest
    No, not particularly.
[02:08] Tatami
    Are you doing it because you're lonely?
[02:09] Priest
    Lonely?
[02:10] Priest
    You don't necessarily do it
     because you're lonely.
[02:12] Tatami
    So you aren't lonely?
[02:14] Priest
    I-I'm not doing it because I'm lonely.
[02:17] Landlord
    I am lonely.
[02:18] Tatami
    You are?
[02:19] Landlord
    I'm so lonely!
[02:20] Tatami
    There, there.
[02:21] Landlord
    I hope a handsome man will discover
    my beautiful photos and contact me!
[02:26] Priest
    You're quite honest, aren't you?
[02:27] Landlord
    And what about you?
[02:28] Landlord
    Why do you use social media?
[02:30] Priest
    Um, I just want interpersonal connections.
[02:33] Landlord
    You want the same thing, don't you?!
[02:36] Tatami
    Are you also hoping to
    find someone, Tickling Priest?
[02:39] Priest
    I'd be lying if I said no.
[02:41] Tatami
    What are you really trying to do?
[02:43] Landlord
    I want to meet someone.
[02:44] Landlord
    I want to meet a man so we can make love,
    our bodies touching one another's!
[02:48] Priest
    Bodies?
[02:49] Priest
    Earthly desires of the flesh!
[02:51] Landlord
    This world is rife with
    desires of the flesh!
[02:53] Tatami
    Are you filled with desires of
    the flesh, you trashy priest?
[02:55] Priest
    I am filled with desires of the flesh!
[02:57] Priest
    I want to tickle girls that
    I meet on social media!
[02:59] Landlord
    You said it.
[03:00] Tatami
    So you've both been trying to
    impress people on social media
[03:02] Tatami
    to satisfy your desires.
[03:04] Landlord
    That's right!
[03:05] Landlord
    I want to meet a handsome man to ****!
[03:08] Priest
    I-I want to tickle someone and letch on her!
[03:11] Landlord
    I want to become animalistic!
[03:14] Priest
    I, too!
[03:15] Landlord
    Lonely... I'm so lonely.
[03:17] Priest
    I, too, would like to become
    close with a young woman!
[03:22] Tatami
    I see, I see.
[03:23] Tatami
    You're both on social media
    because you're horny.
[03:28] Tatami
    That's what I figured.

E6 - Hot Guy Hell and Mixers
Source: Crunchyroll
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SIGN    The House Spirit
    Tatami-chan
SIGN    Episode 6: "Hot Guy Hell and Mixers"
[00:05] N
    Tatami-chan finds her way to a mixer.
[00:09] N
    It's only natural for lonely
    souls to try to find love.
[00:14] N
    Tatami-chan is having a rough time in Tokyo.
[00:16] N
    She definitely must want
    to meet someone nice.
[00:19] A
    I'm a hot guy in the apparel business.
[00:21] B
    I'm a man-whore in the IT business.
[00:24] C
    I work as a consultant.
[00:26] C
    We're at a fun mixer today!
[00:28] A
    Today, I'm taking home a
    hot chick to make out with.
[00:32] C
    That's right.
[00:33] C
    We go through women one after another.
[00:36] C
    We're bad boys.
[00:37] B
    To prepare for the mixer today,
    not only did I shampoo my hair,
[00:40] B
    I even used conditioner.
[00:42] A
    That's a coincidence.
    I used a two-in-one, too.
[00:45] C
    Mine's a one-in-one.
[00:47] B
    That's so hip.
[00:49] A
    No chick's ever going to resist us.
[00:52] B
    Looks like the girls are here.
[00:57] C
    M-Monsters!
SIGN    Lust
[00:58] B
    How could this be?!
[00:59] B
    We're at a mixer with monsters!
[01:03] Landlady
    What fine men!
[01:05] Landlady
    I shall kiss the crest of your neck.
[01:08] Tatami
    Chill out, landlady.
[01:09] Tatami
    You're going to scare the dudes
    away if you're too desperate.
[01:12] Okiku
    The night has come for
    me to lose my virginity.
[01:15] A
    Wh-Who the hell are you?!
[01:17] Tatami
    Who are we, you ask?
[01:18] Tatami
    We are none other than
    the girls at your mixer!
[01:22] A
    Um...
[01:22] A
    So what do you monsters do?
[01:24] Landlady
    How rude!
[01:25] Landlady
    We aren't monsters, you uncouth jerks.
[01:28] Landlady
    I'll drag my claws across your skin!
[01:30] A
    Ow!
[01:32] Tatami
    I'm Tatami-chan, the house spirit.
[01:34] Tatami
    Nice to meet you.
[01:35] Okiku
    I'm Okiku-chan, the Japanese doll
    whose hair grows on its own.
[01:39] Okiku
    I permed my hair for today.
[01:41] B
    Oh, God, it's a house spirit,
    a Japanese doll, and an old hag.
[01:45] B
    This mixer couldn't go any worse.
[01:48] Landlady
    Who are you calling an
    old hag, you d*ckweed!
[01:50] Landlady
    Take this!
[01:51] B
    She's sucking on my neck!
[01:54] Tatami
    I see.
[01:55] Tatami
    So this is how people in Tokyo hook up.
[01:59] Okiku
    Hey, who should we pick?
[02:01] Okiku
    Let's choose.
[02:02] Landlady
    This man is my type.
[02:04] Landlady
    I won't let you go.
[02:06] Tatami
    I'll pass on all of them.
[02:08] C
    They have control of the situation.
[02:10] C
    We've let them take over!
[02:11] Okiku
    Hey, misters, who's the prettiest among us?
[02:16] C
    Would you actually go there?
[02:18] Landlady
    I am, obviously.
[02:20] B
    Definitely not this hag.
[02:21] Landlady
    What did you just say?!
[02:23] B
    Could you please give me some space?
[02:25] Landlady
    I'm going to feel you up!
SIGN    Lust
[02:27] A
    This mixer is hellish.
[02:29] A
    It's actually hell!
[02:30] B
    Have you heard of the Women's Mixer 5S's?
[02:33] Tatami
    The 5 S's?
[02:35] Landlady
    Indeed, I have.
[02:36] Landlady
    S for "Slobbering all over."
[02:38] A
    No, that's "S for Super."
[02:41] Landlady
    S for "Shitty men."
[02:43] B
    That can't be right.
[02:44] Landlady
    S for "Let me Suck you."
[02:46] C
    It's S for "So awesome."
[02:48] Landlady
    S for...
[02:49] Okiku
    S...
[02:50] Landlady
    S for
    "Let me have Sex with you!"
[02:53] A
    I'm out.
[02:54] A
    I can't take this anymore!
[02:55] Landlady
    S for "Screwed the pooch!"
[02:57] B
    I'm done, too!
[02:59] B
    I'm out of here!
[03:00] C
    Run! Run for your lives!
[03:02] C
    A mixer with monsters just isn't worth it!
[03:04] Okiku
    Those dazzling men are running away.
[03:06] Okiku
    No, you don't!
[03:07] C
    I'm caught in her drapes and carpet!
[03:09] Landlady
    You aren't getting away.
[03:10] Landlady
    I'm going to put all three
    of you into kissy hell!
[03:18] C
    H-Help me!
[03:20] C
    Daddy!
SIGN    Lust
[03:21] C
    Mommy!
[03:22] Tatami
    So this is a mixer, huh?
[03:24] Tatami
    It's so fun.
[03:25] Tatami
    You get drunk and torment douchebags.
SIGN    No Vacancy
SIGN    No Vacancy

E7 - Tickling Priest's Meditation Group
Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    The House Spirit
    Tatami-chan
SIGN    Episode 7: "Tickling Priest's Meditation Group"
[00:04] N
    What do you suppose those
     nincompoops are up to today?
[00:08] N
    Do you know that thing
    where you go to a temple
[00:11] N
    and have a priest whack you on the shoulder?
[00:13] N
    Yeah, that thing.
[00:14] N
    That's what they're doing today.
[00:16] N
    Then again, I'm sure they
    aren't doing it properly.
[00:19] Priest
    You lustful nincompoops...
[00:22] Priest
    Today is the day you meditate
    and reflect on yourselves.
[00:25] Tatami
    You seem like an actual priest for once.
[00:27] Priest
    Of course I am.
[00:28] Priest
    I am a priest.
[00:30] Tatami
    What? Really?
[00:32] Landlady
    You are?
[00:33] Tatami
    Indeed.
[00:34] Priest
    Wait, what did you think I was?
[00:36] Tatami
    I thought you were the tickling priest.
[00:38] Okiku
    A pervy, NEET horny priest.
[00:41] Priest
    H-How dare you?!
[00:42] Landlady
    A hobo late on his rent
    payments and mired in debt.
[00:44] Priest
    Shush, you!
[00:45] Priest
    Close your eyes and focus!
[00:48] Tatami
    What a pain.
[00:49] Tatami
    Ow!
[00:50] Priest
    Now, focus your mind until
    this incense burns up.
[00:55] Priest
    Disturbances of posture and breathing
     are disturbances of the mind.
[00:58] Priest
    Those who lose focus will be
    disciplined with this stick.
[01:06] Tatami
    Ow!
[01:06] Priest
    You fell asleep the moment we started.
[01:08] Priest
    You are inadequate as a human being!
[01:10] Tatami
    I can't help that I'm sleepy.
[01:11] Tatami
    I'm not even human, anyway.
[01:13] Priest
    No talking back!
[01:14] Tatami
    Ow!
[01:15] Tatami
    This asshole priest hit me!
[01:17] Okiku
    This is violence.
[01:19] ---
    Now, focus!
[01:20] Landlady
    Damn it. Why do I need to take part in
    helping this old fart with his pastimes?
[01:24] Priest
    Did you say something?
[01:26] Priest
    Did you click your tongue?
[01:27] Landlady
    No! Stop this!
[01:30] Priest
    I'll wiggle my fingers!
[01:32] Priest
    I'll tickle you with my fingers!
[01:33] ---
    Please, not that!
[01:36] Tatami
    Come on.
[01:37] Priest
    What is it?
[01:39] Priest
    You all are overflowing
    with earthly desires.
[01:42] Priest
    I'm going to set you straight
    through this meditation.
[01:45] Okiku
    You're just assuming
    we have earthly desires.
[01:47] Priest
    No talking back!
[01:48] Okiku
    Ow!
[01:50] Okiku
    If you don't want to be disciplined,
    you will rid your mind of all distractions.
[02:03] Priest
    Desires.
[02:04] Priest
    You're overflowing with desires.
[02:10] Priest
    Meep, meep, meep.
[02:16] Priest
    Meep, meep, meep.
[02:21] Priest
    Feather touch.
[02:27] Priest
    Jeez, what's your problem?
[02:31] Priest
    Tickle, tickle, tickle!
[02:35] Priest
    What are you doing?!
[02:37] Tatami
    Dude, what are you doing,
    you asshole priest?
[02:38] Priest
    Concentrate!
[02:41] Okiku
    Hey! We were all focused on ridding
    ourselves of bad thoughts.
[02:45] Priest
    Tickle, tickle, tickle!
[02:48] Priest
    That's what you get for succeeding
    in mindful meditation!
[02:51] Tatami
    You're the one who told us to do it!
[02:54] Priest
    Did I, now?
[02:57] Landlady
    Enough!
[02:58] Landlady
    You're just looking for
    an excuse to tickle us!
[03:00] Priest
    That's right. I want to tickle you.
[03:02] Tatami
    What?!
[03:03] Priest
    I can't help but want to tickle you!
[03:04] Landlady
    I said not to tickle me!
[03:06] Priest
    No!
[03:06] Okiku
    No?
[03:07] Priest
    No!
[03:08] Priest
    I seriously want to tickle you!
[03:12] Priest
    Tickle, tickle, tickle!
[03:15] Landlady
    That tickles!
[03:16] Tatami
    You bastard!
[03:17] Tatami
    You scolded us for having earthly desires,
    but you're the one with the most!
[03:22] Priest
    How dare you?!
[03:23] Priest
    Tickle, tickle, tickle!
[03:25] Priest
    Tickle, tickle, tickle!
[03:27] Priest
    Tickle, tickle, tickle!
[03:28] Priest
    Tickle, tickle, tickle!

E8 - A Party of Monsters!
Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    The House Spirit
    Tatami-chan
SIGN    Episode 8: "A Party of Monsters!"
[00:04] N
    What are the cranky monsters
    of Tokyo up to today?
[00:09] N
    What's this? A drinking party?
[00:11] N
    Look at them, thinking they're human.
[00:14] N
    It's a fun get-together.
[00:17] Tatami
    It's a monster mash!
[00:19] Tatami
    I guess even in Tokyo, I end up
     getting along with monsters.
[00:24] Green
    We're all living modestly on the
    outskirts of human society.
[00:27] Green
    We should stick together.
[00:28] Yuki
    We can find joy in standing side by side.
[00:34] Okiku
    This kind of a drinking party
    isn't bad, for a change.
[00:36] Ghost
    It helps me not to feel lonely.
[00:39] Tickle
    Hey, where's the gristle karaage?
[00:41] Landlady
    Where's my highball?
[00:43] Tickle
    What are the staff here doing?
[00:45] Tatami
    Those two have such short fuses.
[00:47] Tatami
    They get angry so quickly.
[00:49] Okiku
    I'm buzzed.
[00:51] Yuki
    Everyone's got a lot to be frustrated about.
[00:53] Ghost
    Licking each other's wounds is a
    necessary ritual in our lives.
[00:58] Tatami
    Anyway, thanks for being friends with this
    country bumpkin from the middle of nowhere.
[01:01] Tatami
    Now, let's call it a day.
[01:03] Tatami
    I'm getting sleepy.
SIGN    Total
[01:06] Tatami
    Seriously? Thirty-five thousand yen?
[01:09] Tatami
    We spent quite a bit.
[01:10] Yuki
    If we split it, that works out
    to exactly 5,000 yen each.
[01:13] Ghost
    So much...
[01:14] Tickle
    My wallet hurts.
[01:16] Tatami
    That ghost bounced!
[01:19] Tatami
    She just vanished into thin air!
[01:20] Green
    Who does she think she is?
[01:21] Landlady
    I'm going to punish her
    with a crotch stomp later.
[01:23] Okiku
    I have no money, you know?
[01:26] Tatami
    Say what?
[01:27] Okiku
    I'm a doll, after all.
[01:28] Green
    You've got some nerve, coming to
    a drinking party with no money.
[01:32] Yuki
    Let's do 7,000 yen each for
    the five of us, then.
[01:35] Tatami
    You've got to be kidding me.
[01:36] Landlady
    Just a second.
[01:37] Landlady
    Shouldn't the men pay more?
[01:40] Yuki
    Oh, that's true.
[01:41] Tickle
    Whoa, are you serious?
[01:44] Landlady
    The women will pay 3,000 each,
    and the men can pay the rest.
[01:48] Yuki
    That'll be 13,000 yen each for the men.
[01:52] Tatami
    Good thing I'm a girl!
[01:54] Green
    I can't agree to that.
[01:55] Green
    I wasn't even here from the beginning.
[01:57] Landlady
    So you'll pay the same as the women, then?
[01:59] Green
    I don't have money.
[02:01] Tatami
    You were the one who talked about the nerves
    of people who go drinking with no money!
[02:05] Yuki
    That means Tickling Priest
    will have to pay 26,000 yen.
[02:09] Tickle
    This is wrong! This is wrong! This is wrong!
[02:11] Landlady
    Speaking of which, you actually drank the most.
[02:14] Landlady
    Shouldn't you pay more?
[02:16] Yuki
    How dare you?!
[02:17] Tickle
    She's right!
[02:18] Tickle
    You drank lots and ate the most!
[02:21] Tickle
    You ought to pay more than all of us!
[02:23] Tatami
    That's true.
[02:24] Tatami
    You were the biggest pig here.
[02:27] Yuki
    Y-You suck!
[02:28] Yuki
    This was such a fun party!
[02:34] Tatami
    Oh, come on!
[02:35] Landlady
    Oh, dear.
[02:36] Landlady
    What happened?
[02:37] Landlady
    Where did she vanish to?
[02:39] Landlady
    Maybe she went to the washroom.
[02:41] Landlady
    The washroom is over here.
[02:44] Tickle
    Hey, now, where are you going?!
[02:46] Tickle
    That old hag pulled a dine and dash!
[02:48] Tatami
    You're all losers.
[02:50] Tickle
    It's down to just you and me, Tatami-chan.
[02:53] Tickle
    The two of us are going to
    have to pay 17,500 each.
[02:56] Tatami
    I'm underage.
[02:58] Tatami
    I only had orange juice.
[02:59] Tickle
    The party was fun, was it not?
[03:01] Tickle
    It's not a high price to pay
    for all the fun we had!
[03:05] Tatami
    I don't know. I think it was
     only worth about 50 yen.
[03:09] Tickle
    Fool!
[03:10] Tickle
    How exactly do you evaluate our friendship?!
[03:12] Tatami
    Shut up, you old fogey!
[03:15] Tatami
    Later!
[03:17] Tickle
    Don't "later" me!
[03:18] Tickle
    Damn it, she got away!
[03:20] Green
    You've been had.
[03:22] Tickle
    Damn. "Stick together," my ass.
[03:25] Tickle
    Monsters are such terrible people.
[03:28] Green
    We aren't people.

E9 - Coup Coup Coup Couple Coucouple Ouples
Source: Crunchyroll
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SIGN    The House Spirit
    Tatami-chan
SIGN    Episode 9: "Coup Coup Coup Couple Coucouple Ouples"
[00:05] N
    A couple is quarreling at the station.
[00:08] N
    She is crying in grief with
    her arms around her legs.
[00:11] N
    He is consoling her,
     but seems irritated.
[00:14] N
    It's not an uncommon sight, is it?
[00:16] N
    What's this? It looks like Tatami-chan's
    curious about one such couple.
[00:21] Tatami
    Yo, check that out.
[00:23] Landlady
    It looks like that couple is fighting.
[00:26] Tatami
    I've seen that a lot since I came to Tokyo.
[00:28] Tatami
    Why do couples always fight at the station?
[00:31] Landlady
    I envy them.
[00:33] Landlady
    I don't even have anyone
    to get in a fight with.
[00:36] Landlady
    Those bastards...
[00:37] Tatami
    Uh oh, the girl's crying.
[00:40] Landlady
    The man looks irritated.
[00:43] Tatami
    That's how it usually is, isn't it?
[00:44] Tatami
    The girl's upset, and the
    guy's talking her down.
[00:47] Landlady
    I wish to be consoled, too.
[00:49] Tatami
    Let's go ask them,
[00:51] Tatami
    "Why are you fighting in public like that?"
[00:53] Landlady
    It's not a good idea to get involved.
[00:57] Tatami
    Why not?
[00:58] Tatami
    Maybe the girl's being bullied by the guy.
[01:01] Landlady
    I don't think we should just jump in.
[01:05] Tatami
    Hey, you guys, why are you fighting?
[01:08] Guy
    What do you want?
[01:10] Tatami
    You made that girl cry.
[01:12] Tatami
    You aren't bullying her, are you?
[01:13] Guy
    I'm not bullying her.
[01:15] Landlady
    Why are you grieving so?
[01:17] Girl
    Leave me alone!
[01:18] Girl
    What's wrong with these people?
[01:20] Tatami
    Oy, dude, what did you do to her?
[01:23] Girl
    We had a date today.
[01:25] Girl
    A really fun date.
[01:27] Girl
    But she got upset on the way home.
[01:29] Tatami
    Why did she get upset?
[01:30] Tatami
    Did you ask her why?
[01:32] Guy
    That's the thing, she won't tell me.
[01:34] Tatami
    Hey, why are you upset?
[01:36] Tatami
    You have a problem with this guy, don't you?
[01:40] Tatami
    Jeez, what a pain in the ass.
[01:42] Tatami
    We aren't getting anywhere unless
    you tell us what's wrong.
[01:45] Landlady
    You mustn't cry!
[01:46] Landlady
    Smile!
[01:49] Landlady
    Poor girl.
[01:51] Landlady
    If only Tickling Priest were here
    to tickle you and make you laugh.
[01:54] Priest
    What are you dingleberries doing here?
[01:58] Tatami
    It's the asshole priest.
[01:59] Landlady
    Perfect timing.
[02:02] Landlady
    Could you tickle this grieving
    girl and make her laugh?
[02:05] Priest
    I don't know about that.
[02:07] Priest
    That sounds indecent.
[02:08] Tatami
    What's with the goody two-shoes act?
[02:10] Guy
    Who are you anyway?
[02:11] Landlady
    We're trying to make things better for
    a couple here at this station.
[02:15] Tatami
    We were curious about
    why you're fighting.
[02:18] Priest
    This is a rather complicated phenomenon.
[02:20] Priest
    It's an indication of how
    different men and women are.
[02:24] Tatami
    What are you even talking about?
[02:26] Priest
    You, sir, enjoyed your date, did you not?
[02:28] Guy
    Yeah, it was a perfect date.
[02:30] Priest
    But what about you, ma'am?
[02:32] Landlady
    Miss, do you have some grievances
    with your man today?
[02:36] Priest
    Perhaps he said something he shouldn't have?
[02:40] Priest
    Or maybe he chewed loudly when he ate.
[02:44] Priest
    Does that sound plausible?
[02:45] Priest
    Indeed, men are blissfully ignorant
    creatures, far too forgiving of all.
[02:49] Priest
    Meanwhile, women are sensitive creatures.
[02:52] Landlady
    I see.
[02:53] Landlady
    You shouldn't want to end
    your date on a bad note.
[02:56] Tatami
    That's why you get into fights at the
    station, right before you part ways.
[02:59] Tatami
    That makes sense.
[03:00] Priest
    So, sir, you must have done something wrong.
[03:04] Priest
    You must apologize to the woman.
[03:06] Girl
    No!
[03:06] Girl
    It's nothing like that!
[03:08] Landlady
    What?
[03:08] Girl
    We aren't fighting.
[03:10] Girl
    We're just showing off our lovers' quarrel.
[03:13] Tatami
    Showing off to who?
[03:13] Girl
    To all the passersby.
[03:15] Guy
    Showing off?
[03:16] Guy
    That might be right.
[03:19] Girl
    We're showing off.
[03:21] Girl
    We're showing off to the foolish masses.
[03:24] Tatami
    You're a piece of work.

E10 - Tatami-chan and the Furious Ramen Chef
Source: Crunchyroll
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SIGN    The House Spirit
    Tatami-chan
SIGN    Episode 10: "Tatami-chan and the Furious Ramen Chef"
[00:04] N
    Why do ramen shop owners have
    their arms crossed in photos?
SIGN    Doroichi
[00:09] N
    They think they're so important, you say?
[00:11] N
    Of course they are.
[00:12] N
    They dediate their lives to ramen,
    so they must be important.
[00:17] Landlady
    What shall I have?
[00:19] Landlady
    Such an agonizing decision.
[00:21] Chef
    Hurry up and choose.
[00:22] Landlady
    Come on. Why are you rushing me?
[00:24] Chef
    You have to choose, or you're
    going to mess up my pace.
[00:27] Landlady
    You're not very friendly, are you?
[00:29] Chef
    You can leave if you don't like it!
[00:31] Landlady
    I'll have shoyu ramen.
[00:33] Chef
    And the soup?
[00:33] Chef
    Rich? Light? Normal?
[00:35] Chef
    A little rich?
[00:36] Chef
    Really light?
[00:36] Landlady
    What? What? What?
[00:38] Chef
    How firm do you want the noodles?
[00:39] Landlady
    H-How firm?
[00:40] Chef
    Have you not done your research, lady?
[00:42] Chef
    I don't need any half-assed customers.
[00:47] Landlady
    Damn it!
[00:49] Tatami
    Hey, I never knew there
    was a ramen shop here.
[00:52] Tatami
    I like the vibe here.
[00:54] Tatami
    One shoyu ramen.
[00:56] Chef
    Mega-firm? Kinda-firm? Soft-firm?
[00:58] Tatami
    Huh? What? What language is that?
[01:00] Chef
    Ridoncu-firm? Blobby-firm?
[01:02] Tatami
    What? What? What?
[01:03] Tatami
    Just give me normal.
[01:04] Chef
    Ma'am, this is your first
    time here, isn't it?
[01:06] Tatami
    Why are you angry?
[01:07] Chef
    I'm not angry.
[01:08] Tatami
    You're kinda pissed!
[01:10] Tatami
    What a dick.
[01:11] Chef
    You can leave if you're going
    to talk shit about me.
[01:13] Chef
    I have a right to choose my customers.
[01:14] Tatami
    Oh, really?
[01:16] Tatami
    Where's my water?
[01:18] Chef
    It's right there. Look. It's self-service.
[01:20] Tatami
    So is this one of those prideful
    ramen shops I've been hearing about.
[01:23] Tatami
    What a pain in the ass.
[01:28] Tatami
    You're getting it on me!
[01:30] Tatami
    It's hot!
[01:31] Chef
    Shut up. You're distracting me.
[01:33] Tatami
    What a ridiculous ramen shop.
[01:35] Chef
    There, shoyu ramen.
[01:36] Tatami
    Hey, the chef's a jerk,
    but the ramen looks decent.
[01:40] Tatami
    I think I'll take a picture with my phone.
[01:44] Chef
    Hey!
[01:45] Chef
    No photos in my shop!
[01:46] Tatami
    Give me a break, already.
[01:48] Tatami
    Why are you so anal?
[01:49] Tatami
    Would it kill you to be a little nicer?
[01:51] Chef
    You don't need to eat it
    if you don't like it.
[01:53] Tatami
    Do you really want to talk
    to your customers like that?
[01:56] Tatami
    This is so sad, worrying about
    your attitude while I'm eating.
[01:58] Chef
    I take pride in my shop!
[02:01] Tatami
    I don't have time for this!
[02:03] Chef
    Hurry up and eat it before it gets cold!
[02:05] Chef
    That's how you show your respect.
[02:06] Tatami
    Fine, I'll start with the soup.
[02:10] Tatami
    Hot!
[02:11] Chef
    Hot?
[02:12] Chef
    What do you mean, "hot"?
[02:12] Tatami
    I said it's hot because it's hot.
[02:14] Chef
    Hurry up and eat!
[02:15] Chef
    Now!
[02:16] Chef
    Eat it while it's hot and tell me it's good!
[02:19] Tatami
    What's wrong with this shop?
[02:20] Chef
    Hurry up and eat it and post on
    social media that it's good.
[02:23] Chef
    Make my shop go viral and
    make me a ton of money!
[02:26] Tatami
    You're completely shameless.
[02:28] Tatami
    You're beyond prideful.
    You're just a snotty, entitled prick.
[02:32] Tatami
    What the hell?! This is awful!
[02:36] Tatami
    This is awful, too!
[02:37] Chef
    Say what?
[02:37] Tatami
    None of this is edible.
[02:39] Chef
    Are you dissing my perfection?
[02:41] Tatami
    I'm going to give you bad
    reviews on social media.
[02:43] Chef
    Anything but that!
[02:45] Tatami
    I expected way better from
    a prideful ramen shop.
[02:47] Chef
    I take pride in my work.
[02:50] Tatami
    All you have is pride!
[02:51] Chef
    Do you have a problem?
[02:52] Tatami
    Yeah, I do.
[02:53] Tatami
    How long has this place been open?
[02:55] Chef
    I started yesterday.
[02:56] Tatami
    Yesterday?
[02:57] Tatami
    You have so much confidence,
    I thought you were killing it.
[02:59] Chef
    I have confidence.
[03:01] Tatami
    So you opened a shop on
    nothing but confidence?
[03:03] Chef
    I opened it with confidence,
    pride and a prideful attitude!
[03:06] Tatami
    You don't need to say that so loud.
[03:08] Chef
    I have confidence!
[03:09] Tatami
    You shouldn't have confidence in this ramen!
[03:13] Chef
    I thought that even as a monster, I could
    open a prideful shop, like the humans do.
[03:19] Tatami
    So you're one of us.
[03:20] Tatami
    No wonder you're so awkward.
[03:22] Chef
    Thank you!
[03:23] Tatami
    Whatever, fine.
[03:24] Tatami
    I'll root for you.
[03:25] Chef
    Thank you.
[03:27] Chef
    Was it good?
[03:27] Tatami
    No, like I said, it wasn't...
[03:28] Chef
    Would you like seconds?
[03:29] Tatami
    Hell, no!

E11 - Let's Read Some Fancy T-shirts!
Source: Crunchyroll
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SIGN    The House Spirit
    Tatami-chan
SIGN    Episode 11: "Let's Read Some Fancy T-shirts!"
[00:04] N
    What kind of designs do you have
    on the clothes you're wearing?
[00:08] N
    Illustrations?
[00:09] N
    A logo of some kind?
[00:11] N
    I hope you aren't wearing something
     with words on it, are you?
[00:14] N
    Well, my condolences.
[00:16] N
    I pray that no one reads it out loud.
[00:20] Okiku
    It's so hot today.
[00:22] Tatami
    Man, Tokyo's packed with people
    no matter where you go.
[00:25] Tatami
    Look at all those people
    wearing funny shirts.
[00:29] Okiku
    I know.
[00:30] Okiku
    It's so fascinating.
[00:32] Ghost
    They look so awesome with the English logos.
[00:36] Tatami
    What does that say?
[00:39] Okiku
    It says "baseball."
[00:41] Tatami
    Baseball?
[00:42] Tatami
    Why does it say baseball on it?
[00:44] Okiku
    He must like baseball.
SIGN    I  L o v e  T o k y o
[00:51] Ghost
    That person's T-shirt is so fashionable, too.
[00:54] Tatami
    "I love Tokyo," huh?
[00:55] Okiku
    She's expressing her love
    for Tokyo with her clothes.
[00:59] Tatami
    Tokyo's a nice town, but I don't
    think I'd go that far.
[01:02] Okiku
    "I love Tokyo."
[01:07] Ghost
    Look! It says "dangerous road."
[01:10] Tatami
    "Dangerous road"!
[01:11] Ghost
    "Dangerous road."
[01:13] Tatami
    Woo! Dangerous!
[01:15] Okiku
    A perilous path.
[01:16] Okiku
    I wonder if he's trying to express
    "perilous path" with his shirt.
[01:19] Tatami
    That must be it.
[01:20] Okiku
    He's trying to say his life
     is on a perilous path.
[01:28] Ghost
    "Working."
[01:29] Tatami
    Working!
[01:34] Okiku
    Look, it says "Jealousy."
[01:39] Tatami
    One, two...
[01:40] Tatami
    "Jealousy"!
[01:42] Okiku
    Jealousy! Jealousy!
[01:43] Ghost
    He must be prone to jealousy.
[01:46] A
    Th-That wasn't my intention!
[01:51] Tatami
    That one says "Happy!!"
[01:53] Okiku
    He's trying to convince
    people that he's happy.
[01:57] Ghost
    He's rubbing it in the faces
    of the people who aren't happy.
[02:00] Tatami
    Maybe he's flexing how happy he is.
[02:03] Okiku
    That must be it.
[02:05] Ghost
    He must be a dick, then.
[02:09] A
    D-Damn it!
[02:11] A
    Damn it!
SIGN    H o t  d o g
[02:13] Tatami
    Look at that! It says "Hot dog"!
[02:16] Tatami
    Hot dog!
[02:18] Ghost
    He must really like hot dogs.
[02:21] Tatami
    Definitely.
[02:21] Tatami
    Otherwise he wouldn't wear
     that hot dog T-shirt.
[02:26] Tatami
    Hotdog! Hotdog!
[02:28] Priest
    What are you three doing?
[02:30] Tatami
    Tickling Priest.
[02:31] Tatami
    People in Tokyo wear all
    sorts of T-shirts, huh?
[02:34] Priest
    Hold on. You guys are cruel,
    reading the words on people's shirts.
[02:39] Tatami
    How come?
[02:40] Tatami
    We're reading them because they're cool.
[02:43] Priest
    Well...
[02:44] Priest
    I don't know.
[02:45] Priest
    It embarrasses the people wearing them.
[02:47] Okiku
    You're wearing a nice T-shirt,
    too, Tickling Priest.
[02:50] Priest
    Stop! Don't read it!
[02:53] Tatami
    "I love you"!
[02:54] Priest
    I said not to read it, damn it!
[02:58] Tatami
    "I love you"!
[02:59] Okiku
    What do you mean, "I love you"?
[03:01] Tatami
    Yeah, you asshole priest.
    What's "I love you" supposed to mean?
[03:04] Priest
    I mean you.
[03:05] Priest
    I love you three!
[03:08] Tatami
    That's a lovely sentiment,
    you asshole priest.
[03:11] Okiku
    You're expressing your love
    for us through your clothes.
[03:14] Priest
    That's right.
[03:15] Priest
    I love you!
[03:16] Tatami
    You're flattering me, you asshole.
[03:18] Priest
    I love you!
[03:19] Priest
    I love you!
[03:21] Priest
    I love you!
[03:22] Priest
    I love you!
[03:23] Landlord
    What are you people doing?

E12 - It's a Halloween Party, Tatami-chan
Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    The House Spirit
    Tatami-chan
SIGN    Episode 12: "It's a Halloween Party, Tatami-chan"
[00:04] N
    There's a Halloween costume party tonight.
SIGN    Chow-chow
[00:08] N
    What's this?
[00:09] N
    There are rambunctious youths
    causing a stir again.
[00:13] N
    But why are they in Shibuya?
[00:15] N
    Why do they always become
     rowdy in Shibuya?
SIGN    B
    a
    b
    y
[00:29] Tatami
    Look at them go.
[00:30] Tatami
    The youths of Shibuya are
    making a ton of noise.
[00:33] Landlady
    How terrifying...
[00:34] Landlady
    Shibuya has been overrun by monsters.
[00:37] Landlady
    It's the end of the world!
[00:39] Snow
    Apparently, it's a costume
    festival called Halloween.
[00:42] Snow
    Shibuya's on fire.
[00:44] Tatami
    What a bizarre event.
[00:46] Tatami
    It looks fun, though.
[00:49] Pumpkin
    Yo, what are you dressed as?
[00:51] Pumpkin
    A nun?
[00:52] Landlady
    How rude!
[00:53] Landlady
    This is my usual outfit.
[00:55] Landlady
    Fool!
[00:55] Scream
    This old lady's really going for it.
[00:57] Scream
    She's so pale, too.
[00:59] Landlady
    I hate this city.
[01:01] Landlady
    We must escape, quickly!
[01:03] Tatami
    What does Halloween have to do with Shibuya?
[01:06] Snow
    I don't know.
[01:07] Snow
    They probably aren't related.
[01:08] Tatami
    So why are they partying here?
[01:11] Snow
    I don't think humans care where
     they go, so long as they can party.
[01:14] Tatami
    That's how it was during the
    world soccer tournament, too.
[01:17] Tatami
    They were going crazy at the intersection.
[01:20] Snow
    There's a youth dancing there, too.
[01:23] Tatami
    Hey, you there, what kind of dance is that?
[01:26] Babby
    It's just a dance.
[01:27] Tatami
    The justadance, huh?
[01:29] Tatami
    I've never heard of it.
[01:30] Landlady
    Look! A truck's been flipped over.
[01:34] Landlady
    How terrible.
[01:35] Snow
    I think they're getting
    a little out of hand.
[01:37] Tatami
    Humans sure do like going crazy.
[01:39] Tatami
    Look, those strangers
    are hugging each other.
[01:42] Tatami
    They're usually so collected.
[01:44] Tatami
    Look how much they change.
[01:45] Snow
    Look, look.
[01:46] Snow
    There was an explosion at that store.
[01:47] Snow
    The party's turning extreme.
SIGN    Manager
[01:51] Manager
    We're out of control!
[01:53] Staff
    Time to blow off some steam!
SIGN    Staff
[01:56] Tatami
    Those guys aren't in costume. They're real.
[02:00] Priest
    Now's my chance to tickle the masses!
[02:03] Dog
    I can walk the streets
    with my head held high.
[02:07] Tatami
    There are some monsters out there, too.
[02:09] Tatami
    We don't have to worry about what
    people think of us, either, huh?
[02:12] Snow
    True.
[02:13] Snow
    This is a comfortable
    party for our kind, too.
[02:15] Tatami
    Well, then, why don't we get out there, too?
[02:18] Tatami
    Let's go!
[02:20] Police
    Hey, rowdy youth, cease your rioting!
[02:23] Landlady
    They've finally angered the police!
[02:26] Tatami
    I can't get enough!
[02:27] Tatami
    Woohoo! Anarchy!
[02:30] Police
    Disband immediately, fools!
[02:32] Police
    Disband!
[02:33] Tatami
    Destruction!
[02:37] Landlady
    Monsters and humans aren't
    very different, are we?
[02:40] Landlady
    This scene makes that abundantly clear.
[02:42] Landlady
    We are no different in that we are
    irrational, unpredictable creatures.
[02:47] Tatami
    Party! Party! Woo!
[02:49] Police
    Screw it all! You're all under arrest!
[02:51] Police
    Under arrest!
[02:52] Landlady
    Hey, what are you doing?!
[02:53] Landlady
    I haven't done anything!
[02:55] Landlady
    I was just walking by!
[02:57] Police
    Walking by? Are you sure?
[02:59] Police 2
    You look like you might
    curse someone to death!
[03:01] Landlady
    What prejudice!
[03:03] Landlady
    This is why I can't stand the police!
[03:04] Police
    Tie them all down!
[03:06] Landlady
    Hey, don't!
[03:07] Landlady
    Watch where you put your hands!
[03:10] N
    This festival, held once a year,
[03:13] N
    was one where the monsters and humans
    get to know each other better.
[03:17] N
    I suppose it's safe to say that
    Tatami-chan is doing well in Tokyo.
[03:24] N
    I look forward to seeing
[03:25] N
    how much a part of the human world
    she's become when next we see her.