E8 - The Cooking Circumstances of the Cursed Witch / The Crazed Circumstances of the Phoenix's Exam

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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:02] Viola
    Wow, everything looks great!
[00:05] Alyssa
    Why'd you bring so many ingredients?
[00:09] Luna
    The truth is, I have a request.
[00:11] Luna
    Teach me how to cook.
[00:14] Alyssa
    I refuse.
[00:17] Luna
    Teach me how to cook.
[00:19] Alyssa
    I refuse.
[00:20] Luna
    Teach me how to cook.
[00:21] Alyssa
    Not a chance!
[00:23] Viola
    I've never seen Mama's aura
    that intimidating.
SIGN    Family Circumstances of the Irregular Witch
SIGN    Family Circumstances of the Irregular Witch
SIGN    Family Circumstances of the Irregular Witch
SIGN    Family Circumstances of the Irregular Witch
SIGN    Family Circumstances of the Irregular Witch
SIGN    The Cooking Circumstances of the Cursed Witch
[01:59] Luna
    "The Cooking Circumstances
    of the Cursed Witch"!
[02:03] Luna
    Don't be so cold to me!
[02:06] Alyssa
    I'm sorry, really. But don't
    ask me to do this at my house!
[02:10] Viola
    Wh-Why are you so against it?
[02:12] Viola
    Why not just cook with her?
[02:15] Luna
    I know, right?!
[02:16] Alyssa
    There's no "just" about it!
[02:18] Alyssa
    Our kitchen might explode!
[02:21] Viola
    That can happen?
[02:22] Luna
    If it does, I'll compensate you!
[02:24] Alyssa
    So it really could?!
[02:26] Luna
    Remember when I told you that I come
    from a long line of fortune-tellers?
[02:31] Luna
    Some witches in the family are born
    with especially strong ability.
[02:36] Luna
    But the accuracy of their predictions
[02:40] Luna
    comes with a curse
    that brings them calamity.
[02:44] Luna
    I'm one of those witches.
[02:46] Luna
    The price I pay is that I'm bad at cooking.
[02:50] Luna
    Which is pretty tame as curses go,
    so that's great for me!
[02:54] Viola
    But isn't it tough not being
    able to eat tasty food?
[02:58] Luna
    My chef always cooks for me,
    so I don't suffer at all.
[03:03] Viola
    Oh, right, I forgot you were rich.
[03:06] Luna
    So I usually don't cook, but sometimes
    I just really want to, you know?
[03:13] Alyssa
    It's good to challenge yourself,
[03:15] Alyssa
    but put yourself in the shoes
    of your innocent victims.
[03:18] Viola
    It's that bad?
[03:22] Luna
    It's easiest to show, not tell.
[03:24] Luna
    Here, I'll attempt to make a sandwich!
[03:28] Luna
    Slice the ingredients...
[03:32] Luna
    Put them in bread...
[03:34] Luna
    Ta-da.
[03:36] Luna
    No matter what I make, it turns
    into a mysterious... something.
[03:41] Alyssa
    And it's a living "something" this time.
[03:43] Viola
    This is beyond "bad at cooking"!
[03:47] Alyssa
    See?! I'd consider it alone,
[03:50] Alyssa
    but I couldn't bear
    something happening to Viola!
[03:53] Luna
    I'll protect you both, even if it
    costs me my life! Believe in me!
[03:57] Viola
    This is cooking, not war.
[04:00] Viola
    I don't mind. I'd feel sorry for Auntie
    if we sent her home.
[04:05] Alyssa
    Well, Viola, if you say—
[04:07] Luna
    Awww! I love you for sticking
    with me despite your protests!
[04:12] Viola
    But do you throw away things you cook?
[04:14] Viola
    Isn't that a waste of ingredients?
[04:16] Luna
    Not to worry.
[04:18] Luna
    Giriko takes them off my hands
    and calls them "ultra-rare ingredients."
[04:22] Luna
    I don't really get it,
    but she says they're great!
[04:25] Giriko
    Yahoo!
[04:27] Viola
    So someone enjoys them...
[04:29] Narrator
    Ice cream (parentheses working title).
SIGN    "Ice Cream" (working title)
[04:33] Alyssa
    Well, why don't we try a salad first?
[04:37] Luna
    Okay!
[04:39] Alyssa
    And the law of conservation of mass
    went right out the window.
[04:42] Luna
    But it seems kind of veggie-like,
    so it's close to right!
[04:46] Alyssa
    Very positive thinking.
[04:48] Viola
    Maybe it's because Mama's
    such a good teacher.
[04:51] Viola
    I-I don't want to
    bear responsibility for this!
[04:54] Viola
    Let's try soup next...
[04:57] Luna
    Today's first dish that
    requires heat! I'll do my best!
SIGN    Bubble
SIGN    Bubble
SIGN    Bubble
SIGN    Ding!
[05:06] Alyssa
    That's not even a liquid!
[05:08] Viola
    Can I use it as a chair for Fennel?
[05:11] Alyssa
    He'd end up like a lollipop!
[05:16] Alyssa
    Next we'll up the difficulty level
    and make hamburg steaks.
[05:19] Alyssa
    Maybe if we divide the work
    between us, it'll go okay.
[05:22] Luna/Viola
    Okay!
[05:24] Narrator
    A few dozen minutes later...
[05:27] Viola
    Yay! A success!
[05:31] Luna
    Don't let your guard down!
[05:33] Luna
    This one's a fake-out "something."
[05:35] Luna
    Here's what it's like inside.
[05:37] Viola/Alyssa
    Scary! Too scary!
[05:41] Alyssa
    Let's stick to simple recipes!
    How about flan for dessert?
[05:46] Luna
    I'm relatively good at sweets.
[05:51] Viola
    Wow! It looks generically yucky!
[05:53] Alyssa
    She's a generically bad cook!
SIGN    °These are compliments.
[05:55] Narrator
    These are compliments.
SIGN    Hhh!!
SIGN    Hh hh
[06:03] Luna
    All that happens when I eat it
    is that it tastes weird!
[06:06] Alyssa/Viola
    You did it!
SIGN    °She's happy about it!!
[06:07] Narrator
    She's happy about it!
[06:11] Alyssa
    Let's keep this momentum!
    I vote for cocoa next!
[06:15] Luna
    We've reached the "just pour and stir" stage.
[06:17] Luna
    But the phenomenon doesn't
    happen with beverages!
[06:20] Luna
    You've seen me make tea.
[06:23] Alyssa
    Oh, yeah, you're right. Sorry.
[06:26] Luna
    And even my cooking is
    technically edible, you know.
[06:30] Luna
    Don't worry, you won't die!
[06:32] Viola
    This is edible?
[06:34] Luna
    It's true! Papa once accidentally ate some...
SIGN    la di da da da
SIGN    fa la di da
[06:38] Luna
    ...and all that happened was three
    days of his nipples playing music.
SIGN    Main
SIGN    Melody
SIGN    Sub
SIGN    Melody
[06:42] Viola
    That's not reassuring!
[06:45] Phoenix
    I smell something odd.
[06:47] Viola
    Oh, hi Phoenix!
[06:49] Luna
    We're cooking. Want some?
[06:51] Phoenix
    I shall accept.
[06:55] Alyssa
    Wait, wait!
[06:56] Alyssa
    Even Phoen might have side effects from that!
[07:09] Viola
    Phoenix!
[07:17] Phoenix
    Is this... me?
[07:20] Narrator
    Alyssa decided not to snark.
[07:24] Luna
    Cooking really is fun, isn't it?
[07:27] Alyssa
    I'm glad you're satisfied.
[07:31] Alyssa
    So, why are you really here?
[07:33] Luna
    You could tell?
[07:34] Alyssa
    Well, you only cook when
    something is on your mind.
[07:39] Alyssa
    Since you came here to do it,
    I thought you might want to talk.
[07:45] Luna
    The thing is, I had a vision.
[07:48] Luna
    You-know-who is coming soon.
[07:52] Alyssa
    Wh-Wh-Why?! How can I avoid this?!
[07:56] Luna
    I scried for that, but the answer
    was always "It's unavoidable."
[08:00] Alyssa
    Maybe you were mistaken!
[08:02] Luna
    You know how accurate my predictions are.
[08:05] Luna
    Still, keeping the secret for 16 years
    was a big accomplishment, right?
[08:10] Viola
    Mama? Auntie?
[08:13] Viola
    The sandwich (parentheses
    working title) is looking, um...
[08:26] Luna
    I guess it was an explosive one,
    not a living one.
[08:30] Alyssa
    Viola, are you okay?
[08:32] Viola
    Mama!
[08:33] Narrator
    As promised, Luna compensated them in full.
[08:45] Viola
    Mama's being weird.
[08:48] Viola
    Something's been bothering her
    since last week.
[08:51] Viola
    I know she talked about something
    with Auntie Luna,
[08:53] Viola
    so that's probably the cause.
[08:55] Viola
    She keeps dodging my questions
    and won't tell me what's wrong.
[08:59] Viola
    And I have another worry, too...
[09:05] Viola
    Phoenix is also being weird.
SIGN    The Crazed Circumstances 
    of the Phoenix's Exam
[09:09] Kicla
    "The Crazed Circumstances
    of the Phoenix's Exam."
SIGN    Alyssa and Viola, hello.
SIGN    What brings you here today?
SIGN    Sheeta
    Myconid Nurse
[09:22] Viola
    Something's off about Phoenix!
SIGN    Yes, I see.
SIGN    Hmm, so he mysteriously  transformed after a meal.
SIGN    What did he eat?
[09:34] Alyssa
    I wonder that myself...
SIGN    An unknown substance, then.
[09:39] Alyssa
    He isn't bothered by it,
    and he seems healthy,
[09:43] Alyssa
    but it's been days now, so we're worried.
SIGN    Very appropriate.
SIGN    There may be a problem even though  he's asymptomatic now.
SIGN    But mythical beasts are outside  of my grandfather's expertise.
[09:56] Kicla
    Wow! It's a phoenix!
SIGN     Kicla
SIGN     Myconid Doctor & Nurse
SIGN    My older sister just returned  from a sabbatical abroad,
SIGN    and she specializes in mythical beasts.
[10:07] Alyssa
    That's great.
[10:10] Kicla
    Thank you! I'll take good care of him.
[10:14] Alyssa
    Wah! He's being bird-napped!
SIGN    He's a patient, not a present.
SIGN    I explained that, remember?
[10:23] Kicla
    Sorry! I was so happy I didn't hear you.
[10:25] Viola
    No, I swear, we'd never sell you!
[10:28] Alyssa
    It's all right, I promise!
[10:32] Kicla
    Ah, yes, I see.
[10:36] Alyssa
    What do you think?
[10:38] Kicla
    I can't make a diagnosis at this stage.
[10:42] Kicla
    Let's dissect him!
    Just to a reasonable extent!
[10:45] Alyssa
    That's unreasonable to begin with!
SIGN    I apologize.
SIGN    My sister is liable to do anything  when her curiosity is piqued.
SIGN    She's a skilled doctor despite  her personality problems,
SIGN    and we're too understaffed  to make her leave.
[11:01] Alyssa
    The dark truths of health care...
SIGN    You can rest easy; I'll be watching her.
SIGN    And she's never had  an incident with a patient!
[11:10] Alyssa
    Are you sure today won't be the first?!
SIGN    Kicla, don't upset your patient.
SIGN    You're too excited, even for you. Why?
[11:21] Kicla
    I'm sorry.
[11:23] Kicla
    But phoenixes are really, 
    really rare, you know!
[11:28] Kicla
    And their biology is shrouded in mystery...
[11:31] Kicla
    There have only been a few case studies,
    and they're all dubious...
[11:36] Kicla
    And now one of them is right here,
    saying I can do as I like with him!
[11:41] Phoenix
    Inaccurate.
[11:43] Kicla
    I know I shouldn't...
    I know it's wrong, but...
[11:47] Kicla
    My ethics are getting fuzzy!
[11:50] Alyssa
    Help! Somebody help!
SIGN    I'm sorry. Let's call  my grandfather after all.
[11:57] Kicla
    Noooo!
[11:59] Phoenix
    Nay! I accept thy challenge.
[12:00] Alyssa
    You really don't have to!
[12:02] Phoenix
    Thy insatiable curiosity
[12:05] Phoenix
    is that brilliance called "possibility"
    which mortal beings possess!
[12:10] Phoenix
    I find thy struggle between logic
    and impulse most pleasing.
[12:15] Alyssa
    Perception is reality...
[12:16] Viola
    Are you sure? If you don't want
    something, you have to say so.
[12:21] Phoenix
    Never fear! If I am pushed too far,
    I shall burn everything to ashes.
[12:25] Alyssa
    The serenity of the strong.
[12:27] Alyssa
    Don't burn everything.
[12:31] Kicla
    Now, let's begin the examination right away.
[12:35] Kicla
    I don't have much time left.
[12:38] Alyssa
    Is she dying?
[12:40] Kicla
    Since you're a phoenix,
[12:42] Kicla
    may I assume you'll survive
    losing an organ or two?
[12:46] Alyssa
    It looks like that cost you
    a lot of the time you had left.
[12:50] Phoenix
    I'm not comfortable discussing
    such delicate matters
[12:53] Phoenix
    with someone I've just met.
[12:55] Viola
    Those are private parts!
[12:57] Alyssa
    That's the issue?!
[12:58] Kicla
    No way! If that question was out,
    I can't ask any of the others!
[13:03] Alyssa
    What were you planning to ask?!
[13:06] Kicla
    Oh, but would you give me
    a chance once we get closer?
[13:10] Kicla
    We can start off as friends!
[13:12] Phoenix
    All things are possible.
[13:14] Alyssa
    No, Phoen! She only wants you for your body!
[13:20] Kicla
    A drastic change in appearance, eh?
[13:24] Kicla
    Maybe some activation of his cells
    caused his body to remake itself?
[13:28] Kicla
    From a magical medicine standpoint,
[13:30] Kicla
    it's also possible that magic caused
    a substitution reaction...
[13:35] Kicla
    Sheeta, prepare for a battery of scans.
SIGN    All right.
[13:39] Viola
    Kicla is impressive
    when she's being serious.
[13:43] Alyssa
    Sheeta must've been telling
    the truth about her skills.
[13:46] Kicla
    Now, while we're waiting,
[13:49] Kicla
    how about I p-p-p-palpate you?
[13:54] Alyssa
    The line between sanity
    and insanity is scarily fine here!
SIGN    I'm sorry you had to see that.
SIGN    Rest assured there will be no palpation.
[14:03] Alyssa
    R-Right...
[14:04] Alyssa
    Pardon my rudeness,
[14:06] Alyssa
    but will it be possible
    for her to examine him in that state?
SIGN    Yes, I'll carry out her instructions myself.
SIGN    What should we do next?
[14:17] Kicla
    I want blood.
SIGN    Bloodwork, right.
[14:20] Phoenix
    My lifeblood is given only to the chosen.
SIGN    No one has ever refused  for that reason before.
[14:28] Kicla
    If I can't have blood or organs,
    at least give me a feather!
[14:32] Phoenix
    No, madam! I shall not be
    demystified so easily!
[14:37] Phoenix
    While I appreciate thy mettle,
    I made no promise to grant thee power.
[14:43] Viola
    But you offered blood to me
    pretty casually when I was sick.
[14:48] Viola
    Was that okay?
[14:50] Phoenix
    Thou art chosen. I shall give it
    to thee if thou so desirest.
[14:54] Viola
    Aw, I'm blushing!
[14:57] Kicla
    Damn.
[14:58] Alyssa
    This is like a love triangle!
SIGN    Let's abandon blood samples  and do a vision test next.
SIGN    Can you see which direction  this is pointing in?
[15:11] Phoenix
    Rightward.
SIGN    That's correct, but please look  with your eye before answering.
SIGN    A hearing test too, please.
SIGN    Signal to me when you hear a sound.
[15:23] Phoenix
    I hear the voices of the spirits
    which dwell in the earth.
SIGN    Please ignore any divine voices.
[15:31] Kicla
    I want his heart.
SIGN    Stethoscope exam, right.
SIGN    Now, inhale...
SIGN    And exhale.
[15:40] Alyssa
    Phoen!
[15:42] Viola
    What happened?! Did you
    switch to the ashes plan?!
[15:45] Phoenix
    Nay, but my throat slipped.
[15:47] Phoenix
    I apologize.
[15:49] Alyssa
    Are you all right, Kicla?!
[15:51] Kicla
    May I have another? I'd like
    to fully grasp how the beam feels.
[15:55] Alyssa
    Sh-She's a life-risking weirdo, too...
[16:01] Kicla
    And now, the result of the exam...
[16:04] Kicla
    We're no closer to an answer.
[16:06] Alyssa
    I figured.
[16:07] Viola
    If he's healthy, that's all we need to know!
[16:09] Viola
    It's not like he made any sense before.
[16:11] Alyssa
    True enough.
[16:14] Kicla
    Being his contracted certainly 
    made you confident, didn't it?
[16:18] Alyssa
    Please don't make this a soap opera!
[16:21] Kicla
    Why am I not good enough for you?!
[16:24] Kicla
    Show me your private parts!
    I'll show you mine!
[16:28] Alyssa
    Someone come help!
[16:31] Benny
    Girls! Is it true that Kicla
    is examining someone?
SIGN    Perfect timing, Doctor!
SIGN    Muscle relaxant spores!
[16:44] Benny
    I apologize for my colleague's behavior.
[16:47] Benny
    Would you be willing to settle out of court?
[16:50] Alyssa
    Don't worry, we won't sue you.
[16:53] Benny
    She's a good girl when her
    curiosity is kept satisfied.
[16:57] Benny
    I thought a sabbatical to study
[17:00] Benny
    would calm her down a bit
    by broadening her knowledge, but...
[17:02] Alyssa
    I'm sorry that we brought her
    a mystery wrapped in an enigma.
[17:08] Phoenix
    Regret not, O venerable man.
[17:10] Phoenix
    In this life, starving for growth is more
    important than meaningless gluttony.
[17:16] Benny
    My dear phoenix!
SIGN    I know I shouldn't say this  after we caused you trouble,
SIGN    but it's been a long time since  I've seen my sister so energetic.
[17:25] Alyssa
    Well, a passion
    for learning is a good thing.
[17:29] Viola
    So is she going to be like this
    until she loses interest in Phoenix?
[17:32] Benny
    Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like
    to offer you free medical care for life!
[17:39] Benny
    Now, allow me to examine you.
[17:42] Benny
    To ask a clichéd question, how was
    your bowel movement after you ate it?
[17:47] Phoenix
    Ah.
[17:55] Alyssa/Viola
    He's back!
[17:57] Phoenix
    I hadn't had one since, actually.
[18:00] Alyssa
    All's well that ends well,
    even if it ended in mystery.
[18:04] Kicla
    Wait!
[18:07] Kicla
    Did you flush it?!
[18:09] Benny
    You stay away!
SIGN    Take care!
[18:14] Viola
    Well, I'm glad Phoenix is okay.
[18:17] Alyssa
    Yes, health is what's most important.
[18:20] Phoenix
    Indeed.
[18:22] Phoenix
    Those who stay healthy
    need not visit the clinic.
[18:25] Alyssa
    Yes, the sudden frenzy as we
    were leaving was rough.
[18:30] Phoenix
    My body feels oddly heavy, though...
[18:34] Viola
    You got sick as soon as we left?
[18:37] Phoenix
    Nay, I am fit, and yet...
[18:40] Narrator
    The day ended with an increase
    in the "being weird" population.
SIGN    Preview
[19:27] Giriko
    This is Giriko.
[19:28] Luna
    This is Luna!
[19:30] Giriko/Luna
    Next time on The Family Circumstances 
    of the Irregular Witch...
[19:33] Giriko
    Viola investigates her mother's past.
[19:35] Luna
    Alyssa's secrets, revealed!
[19:38] Giriko
    "The Personal Circumstances
    of the Nervous Mama."
[19:40] Luna
    "The Family Circumstances
    of the Questionable Visitor"!
SIGN    The Personal Circumstances of the Nervous Mama
SIGN    The Family Circumstances of the Questionable Visitor
[19:42] Giriko
    You-know-who is coming!
[19:43] Luna
    Yes, he is!
SIGN    Irregular Fairy Tale Theater
[20:08] All
    "Irregular Fairy Tale Theater."
SIGN    Alyssa White
[20:11] Narrator
    "Alyssa White."
[20:13] Narrator
    Once upon a time, there
    lived a very beautiful queen.
[20:21] Viola
    Mirror, mirror. Who is
    the fairest of them all?
[20:25] Mirror
    The answer, my queen, is Alyssa White.
[20:32] Viola
    That's correct!
SIGN    The End
SIGN    The Golden Ax, the Silver Ax, and the Third Ack
[20:34] Narrator
    "The Golden Ax, the Silver Ax,
[20:37] Narrator
    and the Third Ack—OH! NO!!"
[20:46] Giriko
    Hey, lucky boy.
[20:49] Giriko
    Did you drop a golden ax? A silver ax?
[20:53] Giriko
    Or a monster calling itself an ax?
[20:56] Fennel
    It was a normal ax.
[20:58] Giriko
    Are you sure you're not mistaken?
    Look closely.
[21:02] Fennel
    How could I mistake something like this?!
[21:04] Fennel
    Just give it back to me!
[21:06] Giriko
    Since you were honest,
    I'll give you all of them!
[21:10] Giriko
    Bye.
[21:11] Fennel
    Wait! Don't leave me alone with Livie!
SIGN    The End
SIGN    Orc and the Beanstalk
[21:17] Narrator
    "Orc and the Beanstalk."
[21:20] Glind
    Okay, time to go sell my cow!
[21:24] Luna
    Yoo-hoo, little boy.
[21:27] Luna
    Would you trade me that cow for this bean?
[21:33] Glind
    Forget the horse. Would you like
    a piggy to play with?
[21:36] Luna
    My, what a sales pitch!
SIGN    The End
SIGN    The Little Musclemaid
[21:40] Narrator
    "The Little Musclemaid."
[21:42] Alyssa
    Stab the prince through
    the heart with this knife!
[21:45] Alyssa
    If you do, you can turn back into a mermaid!
[21:49] Alyssa
    Here!
[21:55] Alyssa
    Barehanded?!
[21:57] Lira
    I haven't sunk low enough
    to sell out the man I love.
[22:00] Luna
    Amazing.
[22:02] Luna
    Her sheer force of presence makes me
    understand what she's saying.
[22:05] Pondo
    I heard everything.
[22:07] Alyssa
    Prince Pound?!
[22:08] Pondo
    Go ahead, without further ado!
[22:11] Pondo
    I'd rather die foaming at the mouth
    than let my beloved turn to sea foam!
[22:16] Giriko
    It pisses me off that he's trying
    to say something clever.
[22:20] Lira
    You blockhead! Don't you dare
    say that crap like it's nothing!
[22:24] Lira
    Do you understand your position here?!
[22:27] Pondo
    My little musclemaid!
[22:28] Pondo
    Darling, you are my whole world!
[22:34] Alyssa
    No, stop fighting!
[22:37] Alyssa
    Wait...
[22:39] Alyssa
    She can talk and her love is requited!
SIGN    Alyssa Riding Hood
[22:42] Narrator
    "Alyssa Riding Hood."
[22:45] Narrator
    Once upon a time, there lived
    a girl named Alyssa Riding Hood.
[22:50] Narrator
    One day, little Alyssa was sent on
    an errand to her grandmother's house.
SIGN    Big
    Bad
SIGN    Fennel
[22:55] Fennel
    Are you sure you should give me
    a leading role like this?!
[23:02] Narrator
    Thanks to the huntswoman,
    the forest's peace was preserved.
SIGN    Alyssa Riding Hood Take 2
[23:08] Narrator
    Alyssa Riding Hood Take 2!
[23:11] Narrator
    Once upon a time, there lived
    a girl named Alyssa Riding Hood.
[23:16] Narrator
    One day, little Alyssa was sent on
    an errand to her grandmother's house.
[23:21] Fennel
    When you think about it,
    the huntsman saves the girl,
SIGN    Huntsman
     Fennel
[23:25] Fennel
    which is a far better role!
[23:31] Narrator
    Faced with the overwhelming
    power of the beast,
[23:33] Narrator
    the huntsman could do nothing.
SIGN    The End
SIGN    Irregular Fairy Tale Theater
SIGN    The End
[23:37] Narrator
    That's a wrap!