E9 - Shinobu Mail, Part Three

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:01] ---
    THE LEFT HALF IS A MONKEY
[00:02] ---
    THE RIGHT HALF IS A CRAB
[00:03] ---
    THIS ISN'T A MONKEY-CRAB WAR, NO
[00:04] ---
    A MONKEY-CRAB FUSION
[00:14] ---
    RIDDLE
[00:18] ---
    I'LL GO FROM THE RIGHT
[00:19] ---
    ARARAGI-SENPAI, YOU GO FROM THE LEFT
[00:20] ---
    Y-YEAH
[00:22] ---
    Araragi-senpai, let's go!
[00:24] ---
    S-Sure!
[00:26] ---
    "BECAUSE I'M LEFT-HANDED,
[00:28] ---
    SOMETIMES I MISTAKE LEFT AND RIGHT,"
    WAS SOMETHING KANBARU DEFINITELY SAID—
[00:38] ---
    FOR SOME REASON,
    SHE WAS SITTING ON THE SWINGS.
[00:41] ---
    WHY IS IT THE MOMENT AN APPARITION
    SHOWS UP CHASING AFTER HER,
    SHE STARTS PLAYING ON THE PLAYGROUND?
[00:43] ---
    NOT ONLY IS IT UNUSUAL,
    IT'S ABSURD, ISN'T IT?
[00:52] ---
    CRAB
[01:10] ---
    MY ENTIRE BODY IS CREAKING.
[01:12] ---
    Wait up, master!
[01:17] ---
    Use this.
[01:21] ---
    Use it!
[01:23] ---
    The demon sword, "Kokoro Watari"...
[01:25] ---
    There's no need to hesitate.
[01:27] ---
    That thing is an apparition,
    but it's also not an apparition.
[01:30] ---
    It's something bad,
    in a state before it turns into an apparition.
[01:32] ---
    No harm will be done by slaying it.
[01:36] ---
    In the first place,
    this sword is not the original,
[01:40] ---
    but a certain person used his own flesh and blood,
    and slaved away to create it.
[01:45] ---
    After all, without a blade,
    an armor-clad samurai feels incomplete!
[01:49] ---
    In the end, it's been 400 years
    since I lent it to her.
[01:57] ---
    Kanbaru! Out of the way!
[02:10] ---
    SNAKE
[02:13] ---
    Araragi-senpai! Look out!
[02:15] ---
    A snake... Jagirinawa?
[02:24] ---
    Ka ka!
[02:25] ---
    Well done, I guess?
[02:36] ---
    Sixty-two points.
[03:38] ---
    OWARIMONOGATARI
[03:39] ---
    SHINOBU MAIL, PART THREE
[03:43] ---
    That was almost a perfect test
    of your prowess, wasn't it?
[03:46] ---
    Actually, it looks like its specs
    were lower than what it used to be.
[03:50] ---
    When the monkey came up against me by itself,
    it was controlling rain.
[03:55] ---
    That was a troublesome skill.
[04:09] ---
    Are you all right?
[04:11] ---
    Are you hurt anywhere?
[04:17] ---
    I'm not hurt anywhere.
[04:19] ---
    This is warm.
    It smells like you, Araragi-senpai.
[04:23] ---
    Um, can you not say stuff
    that sounds like it's from a romantic comedy?
[04:26] ---
    But is it okay for me
    to be the one wearing this?
[04:29] ---
    Well... Even in midsummer, standing like this
    in the middle of the night can get a bit chilly.
[04:35] ---
    Well then, hold on just a second.
[04:40] ---
    Wear this.
[04:46] ---
    I'm really sorry, Kanbaru.
    To rope you into something like this.
[04:50] ---
    In the first place, fighting is forbidden
    for basketball players, right?
[04:54] ---
    You repeat yourself too much, Araragi-senpai.
[04:56] ---
    If you keep apologizing
    so many times like that,
[04:58] ---
    it makes me doubt
    if you really feel bad about all of it.
[05:05] ---
    Hey, Shinobu.
[05:14] ---
    Well then. Now, master...
    Time to continue the story.
[05:17] ---
    Continue? Let's see...
    what were we talking about?
[05:21] ---
    I was talking about the pairing, master.
[05:24] ---
    We were discussing how we needed to recover
    the pairing between you and me.
[05:29] ---
    Otherwise, we'll have a hard time,
    even against a defective apparition like that.
[05:35] ---
    But what does that have to do
    with being under the swings?
[05:39] ---
    As for recovering the pairing...
    well, we need to ask some specialist about that.
[05:43] ---
    You know... For things like this,
    experience is the best teacher.
[05:47] ---
    You should go over there
    and lie down in that exact location.
[05:52] ---
    If you do, there will be things
    that you'll gain sight of. Now, let's go!
[06:10] ---
    Man, this is totally scary!
    Scarier than an apparition! What is this?
[06:14] ---
    What in the world did Shinobu want me to do,
    sending me to a land like this?
[06:19] ---
    What did she want me to understand?
[06:22] ---
    A bit late now, but I think
    the phrase Shinobu wanted to use
[06:26] ---
    wasn't "Experience is the best teacher,"
[06:29] ---
    but, "A picture is worth a thousand words."
[06:38] ---
    CHANGE —> NORTH SHIRAHEBI SHRINE
[06:47] ---
    "Once I've recovered a bit more,
[06:49] ---
    I'll come see her to regain
    my cherished demon sword 'Kokoro Watari'!
[06:53] ---
    In the end, it's been 400 years
    since I lent it to her.
[06:56] ---
    Tell her that she should prepare herself
    for the late fees!"
[07:00] ---
    Is that what that samurai said?
[07:03] ---
    Yeah. And after that,
    he took off, laughing boisterously.
[07:07] ---
    In what way?
[07:09] ---
    I mean, how did this being laugh?
[07:12] ---
    Recreate it.
[07:13] ---
    Recreate it, you ask?
    That's more or less asking for the impossible.
[07:31] ---
    It was something like that.
[07:35] ---
    Shinobu, could it be...
[07:37] ---
    Don't worry about it.
[07:39] ---
    That's impossible.
    It's nothing more than a lie.
[07:41] ---
    A-A lie? But...
[07:46] ---
    That man died 400 years ago.
[07:50] ---
    I saw it clearly with my own eyes.
[07:52] ---
    Even if heaven and earth flip,
    even if night becomes day,
[07:56] ---
    that is one thing
    that can't be mistaken.
[07:58] ---
    It's so stupid
    it's not even worth discussing.
[08:02] ---
    No, but wait, Shinobu...
[08:04] ---
    If it is the case that this samurai
    is pretending to be him,
[08:07] ---
    it must be due to
    something he's planning.
[08:12] ---
    His objective may be to get myself
    or you feeling uneasy.
[08:16] ---
    That's why you shouldn't worry about it.
    It's inevitable.
[08:19] ---
    No matter what the objective is,
    that demon sword, the Apparition Killer...
[08:26] ---
    I don't intend to hand it over to anyone.
[08:28] ---
    If he says that he's the mastermind behind
    that menagerie that started with the monkey,
[08:32] ---
    next time, I will personally slay him.
[08:35] ---
    And I have nothing more to say about that.
[08:49] ---
    Hey, Koyomin.
    I'm glad we finally got to meet up.
[08:55] ---
    ULTRA ABSOLUTE SUPER RARE
[08:58] ---
    Well, that's the end.
[09:01] ---
    A quick message to Yotsugi...
[09:03] ---
    Saying I safely met up
    with Koyomin and company.
[09:06] ---
    This is why I made her carry
    a cellphone for children.
[09:10] ---
    It seems that doll wasn't herself
    with regard to worrying about your well-being.
[09:15] ---
    It seems... Or rather,
    it's pretty obvious if one looks at your face.
[09:19] ---
    Face?
[09:20] ---
    Koyomin is in high spirits.
[09:22] ---
    Sent.
[09:22] ---
    SEND
[09:25] ---
    Okay, sorry to make you wait.
[09:27] ---
    Hello, Ms. Shinobu Oshino,
    Ms. Suruga Kanbaru.
[09:37] ---
    I'm Izuko Oshino.
[09:39] ---
    You are familiar...
[09:42] ---
    ...with Oshino Meme. I'm his little sister!
[09:47] ---
    To the lie that was told so audaciously,
    I was at a loss of words.
[09:52] ---
    NO, THAT'S NOT IT.
[09:53] ---
    YOUR LAST NAME IS GAEN, RIGHT?
[09:59] ---
    Oh, to think that the Hawaiian-shirt boy
    had a younger sister.
[10:03] ---
    Now that you mention it,
    there is a resemblance.
[10:06] ---
    Shinobu was fooled.
[10:11] ---
    I get that a lot!
[10:13] ---
    Yeah. It seems my pitiful big brother
    caused you guys a lot of trouble.
[10:16] ---
    I'm sorry about that.
[10:20] ---
    I'm Suruga Kanbaru.
[10:22] ---
    My occupation is Araragi-senpai's...
[10:25] ---
    ...sex slave!
[10:26] ---
    You... really use that profile
    to describe yourself to everyone?
[10:31] ---
    I see, a sex slave, huh?
[10:33] ---
    It's so nice to be as young
    as you are uninhibited!
[10:37] ---
    Well then, let's get to the main subject, folks.
[10:41] ---
    I'm talking about business.
[10:42] ---
    First off, tell me the tales
    of your adventures leading up to here.
[10:48] ---
    Tell me your entire story,
    down to the finest detail.
[10:52] ---
    Big Sister here loves hearing stories
    about someone else's life.
[10:57] ---
    Coming this far,
    there was no reason to gloss over things.
[11:00] ---
    I told her of tonight's events,
    just as they happened.
[11:04] ---
    It really shows that you're used
    to telling stories, Koyomin.
[11:06] ---
    That was very interesting.
[11:08] ---
    It's as if you were a professional storyteller.
[11:10] ---
    HANDSOME MAN (KOUDANSHI)
[11:10] ---
    A handsome man
    being a professional storyteller.
[11:11] ---
    PROFESSIONAL STORYTELLER (KOUDANSHI)
[11:12] ---
    That's what it is.
[11:17] ---
    I'll start with my conclusion.
[11:18] ---
    That armor-clad samurai, 400 years ago,
[11:21] ---
    is the first minion that Shinobu's previous self,
    the legendary vampire,
[11:24] ---
    a rare species, the iron-blooded, hot-blooded,
    and cold-blooded vampire,
[11:29] ---
    the Apparition Killer
    and King of Apparitions,
[11:31] ---
    Kiss-shot Acerola-orion Heart-under-blade,
    created by drinking his blood.
[11:38] ---
    In other words, Koyomi Araragi,
    you became the second minion
[11:42] ---
    when Shinobu drank your blood
    back during spring break.
[11:45] ---
    So he would be your senior.
[11:47] ---
    In that he was the original Apparition Killer,
    I guess he'd be Shinobu's senior as well?
[11:57] ---
    Hey, master.
[11:58] ---
    This one is unbelievably amateurish.
[12:01] ---
    Is this one really the little sister
    of Hawaiian shirt boy?
[12:05] ---
    Tell her! Tell her, master!
[12:07] ---
    Be blunt, in a sadistic way!
[12:10] ---
    Correct this misunderstanding
    that this super-novice has!
[12:13] ---
    S-Sure...
[12:15] ---
    B-But, Ga—
[12:17] ---
    Just call me Izuko.
[12:19] ---
    ...Ms. Izuko.
[12:20] ---
    I'm saying, just Izuko is fine.
[12:22] ---
    But Ms. Izuko, Shinobu's first minion
    should already be long dead.
[12:27] ---
    Shinobu witnessed it firsthand.
[12:32] ---
    Despite turning into a vampire,
[12:33] ---
    he exposed himself to the sun
    to commit suicide by burning himself.
[12:37] ---
    He burned up, and turned into ashes... So...
[12:40] ---
    So... He's no longer here.
    There's no way that he can be here.
[12:45] ---
    It's impossible for that armor-clad samurai
    to be Shinobu's first minion.
[12:51] ---
    Why?
[12:53] ---
    Well, I said—
[12:54] ---
    Why? Why do you think it's impossible?
[12:58] ---
    Araragi-senpai...
[13:00] ---
    But, if you say that,
    isn't he an immortal vampire that can't die?
[13:06] ---
    That's right, Ms. Suruga Kanbaru.
[13:08] ---
    As expected from someone
    who could animate the Monkey's Paw.
[13:11] ---
    That's outstanding.
[13:13] ---
    In other words, although it took him
    400 years from his suicide by burning,
[13:17] ---
    said vampire has fully revived.
[13:20] ---
    To think he can be revived
    even if he's turned into ashes and bones...
[13:24] ---
    I guess I should say,
    as expected from the first minion
[13:26] ---
    chosen by the legendary vampire,
    Kiss-shot Acerola-orion Heart-under-blade.
[13:34] ---
    Now, please observe.
[13:36] ---
    As I stated the conclusion first,
[13:38] ---
    I'll go in order,
    and explain chronologically.
[13:43] ---
    Of course, the sun is the vampire's weakness.
[13:46] ---
    Even grade-school kids know that.
[13:49] ---
    Even the iron-blooded, hot-blooded,
    and cold-blooded vampire
[13:53] ---
    Kiss-shot Acerola-orion Heart-under-blade
    isn't immune to that.
[13:58] ---
    Not to mention, her minions as well.
[14:01] ---
    But it's not an exaggeration...
[14:03] ---
    The King of Apparitions,
    whose name was known worldwide,
[14:06] ---
    isn't an exception, but merely
    outside conventional boundaries.
[14:08] ---
    The weakness wasn't functioning
    as a weakness.
[14:11] ---
    It's a fact that Koyomin,
    back in spring break,
[14:14] ---
    you burst into flames
    basking in sunlight, right?
[14:17] ---
    But you fully recovered after that as well?
[14:20] ---
    I know that.
[14:22] ---
    Something similar happened
    to the first minion as well.
[14:25] ---
    That's what this means.
[14:26] ---
    Of course, in his case, unlike Koyomin
    who mistakenly exposed himself,
[14:29] ---
    he intentionally exposed himself
    to the sun in order to kill himself.
[14:33] ---
    So it's not an attempted (misui) suicide,
    but more like a suicide that missed (misu).
[14:37] ---
    And of course, it seems it took him
    a bit of time to revive.
[14:41] ---
    Roughly 400 years or so.
[14:44] ---
    To be more precise, even 400 years
    after the missed suicide attempt,
[14:48] ---
    even now, the first one's body
    hasn't fully recovered.
[14:53] ---
    Koyomin, you must've realized this,
    as you've directly dealt with the armor-clad samurai.
[14:58] ---
    You must've felt that the armor-clad samurai
    was getting stronger as time went on.
[15:02] ---
    But to be precise, he wasn't getting stronger.
[15:06] ---
    He was recovering.
[15:07] ---
    His health is taking a turn for the better.
[15:10] ---
    He is trying to get back
    to his complete self.
[15:13] ---
    The reason why he performed an energy drain
    on you and Ms. Suruga Kanbaru is, right,
[15:18] ---
    to try and fix himself up by eating.
[15:21] ---
    Just like how Shinobu
    ate that imitation apparition
[15:24] ---
    to recover from being scratched
    by that imitation apparition.
[15:27] ---
    Shall I say you're
    an admirable second one, Koyomin,
[15:31] ---
    since you aided the speedy recovery
    of the first one?
[15:36] ---
    No, wait. I'm not just talking about
    what happened tonight.
[15:40] ---
    I'm saying this based off of you as an individual,
    looking at all of your recent behavior.
[15:45] ---
    You don't understand
    what I'm talking about?
[15:47] ---
    It's fine, you'll understand soon enough.
[15:50] ---
    On the other hand, I wanted to end it all
    before it resulted in something like this.
[15:57] ---
    I was going to have Yotsugi
    take care of it all by herself.
[16:00] ---
    There ended up being
    all sorts of miscalculations.
[16:03] ---
    The fact that I know everything
    doesn't mean that everything will go my way.
[16:08] ---
    Especially involving you, Koyomin.
[16:10] ---
    Someone like you that doesn't move
    according to logic,
[16:12] ---
    someone whose activities are unpredictable,
    an aberrant youth.
[16:16] ---
    That's why I took responsibility
    for making mistakes in my calculations,
[16:20] ---
    came all the way out to the front line,
[16:22] ---
    and that's why I asked you
    for your assistance.
[16:25] ---
    You may be thinking that an ill-spirited big sister
    is roping you into some troublesome work.
[16:34] ---
    But the big sister is, in fact,
    giving you a chance.
[16:37] ---
    The perfect chance to claim responsibility
    for happenings you set up.
[16:42] ---
    Though you may not be convinced
    of this right away.
[16:45] ---
    You may never be convinced of it
    in your lifetime.
[16:49] ---
    But Koyomin,
    have you never wondered about it?
[16:53] ---
    About why, for the past six months,
[16:55] ---
    you've encountered phenomenon
    involving apparitions almost monthly?
[16:59] ---
    You never thought it strange?
[17:01] ---
    Why did the legendary vampire
    Kiss-shot Acerola-orion Heart-under-Blade
[17:07] ---
    visit the town you live in during spring break,
    instead of anywhere else in this world?
[17:13] ---
    Was it just a coincidence...
[17:15] ---
    that a crab girl, a snail girl, a monkey girl,
    and a snake girl were all in this town?
[17:22] ---
    The one that Kagenui, an underclassman
    that even I have trouble with, went after...
[17:27] ---
    Was it just a coincidence that the phoenix apparition
    lived right here in this town?
[17:33] ---
    The cat... Has a slightly special circumstance, though.
[17:37] ---
    That's probably why the armor-clad samurai
    accidentally stomped on the tail of a tiger.
[17:43] ---
    Well, in that regard,
    coincidence has favored you.
[17:47] ---
    A tiger, huh...
[17:50] ---
    For the first one,
    whose entire body became a fireball,
[17:54] ---
    flames and blazes
    must have been traumatic.
[17:58] ---
    Of course he'd choose a momentary retreat.
[18:01] ---
    If you live to meet
    Tsubasa Hanekawa again,
[18:04] ---
    make sure to properly thank her.
[18:07] ---
    You don't know
    what I'm talking about now, either?
[18:10] ---
    Then you don't have to worry about it for now.
[18:12] ---
    Your friend is nothing more than a sad girl
    who protects you, even if it's unintentionally.
[18:19] ---
    It seems, Koyomin,
    your train of thought is that
[18:23] ---
    something that happens to you
    could happen to anyone else.
[18:28] ---
    To this train of thought that denies miracles,
    I do sense quite a bit of modesty,
[18:34] ---
    but it has one major flaw.
[18:37] ---
    FLAW
[18:38] ---
    A huge flaw that makes you say, "You're wrong,"
    to convict someone that thinks you're special.
[18:49] ---
    I'm sorry I'm saying
    so many vague things.
[18:51] ---
    When faced with a young man
    in high spirits like you,
[18:56] ---
    Big Sister here really wants
    to explain the meaning of life.
[19:02] ---
    If this was Big Brother Meme, he'd probably say,
    "You seem to be in good spirits.
[19:04] ---
    Did something nice happen to you,
    or something?" and let it end there, but...
[19:09] ---
    Resentfully enough, yours truly
    isn't as tolerant as that immature man.
[19:15] ---
    Come to think of it, I promised
    to explain chronologically, didn't I?
[19:19] ---
    Then let's keep that promise.
[19:21] ---
    In the end, keeping the promise
    is the shortest route to getting results.
[19:29] ---
    First, 400 years ago.
[19:30] ---
    Currently Shinobu Oshino,
[19:32] ---
    Kiss-shot Acerola-orion Heart-under-blade,
    as a vampire, hadn't made any minions until then.
[19:39] ---
    But that was when she made her first slave.
[19:42] ---
    She drank human blood.
[19:44] ---
    The background story of how she ended up
    in that situation can be skipped, right?
[19:50] ---
    It was already told in another location,
    and that is a story of the past.
[19:54] ---
    For you, and for him.
[19:58] ---
    Going from being a specialist in defeating
    apparitions to someone to be exterminated,
[20:03] ---
    the first one couldn't
    tolerate the circumstances.
[20:06] ---
    He couldn't face the reality
    that he had turned into a monster.
[20:10] ---
    That was why he chose death for himself.
[20:13] ---
    He exposed himself to the sun.
[20:16] ---
    He turned into ashes, and was blown
    into the wind and disappeared...
[20:19] ---
    Or so it seemed.
[20:20] ---
    Leaving Heart-under-blade all his grudges
[20:23] ---
    and a replica of the Apparition Killer,
    the demon blade "Kokoro Watari"...
[20:28] ---
    Everyone lived happily ever after.
[20:30] ---
    As stated earlier,
    that's not how things went.
[20:33] ---
    Even turning to ash,
    even becoming nothing, he didn't die.
[20:36] ---
    He may have disappeared,
    but he wasn't eradicated.
[20:39] ---
    He died, but couldn't fully die.
[20:42] ---
    He kept living.
[20:44] ---
    He became nothing,
    he became the void, and lived on.
[20:47] ---
    Taking 400 years, so much time
    that one feels overwhelmed and even disgusted,
[20:53] ---
    he slowly, ever so slowly,
    recovered his physical form.
[20:58] ---
    Each time he recovered,
    the sun would burn him.
[21:01] ---
    Each time he constructed,
    he was shattered.
[21:04] ---
    Even then, he didn't give up,
    his will was never bent... And he recovered.
[21:09] ---
    For an astoundingly long time,
    the futile trial-and-error for recovery continued.
[21:16] ---
    Of course, that first one had turned into ash,
    so there shouldn't have been a clear will or anything.
[21:21] ---
    So such a recovery could be called
    the reaction of a living vampire,
[21:25] ---
    or maybe an involuntary response.
[21:30] ---
    At that point, it seems more pitiful than futile.
[21:33] ---
    Continuing a game an infinite amount of times,
    but never being able to finish the game.
[21:37] ---
    Because he inherited the immortality of vampires
    in a halfhearted way,
[21:41] ---
    he wasn't even able to die.
[21:44] ---
    This was eternal life in its true sense.
[21:47] ---
    If Yoduru had been there,
[21:49] ---
    I'm sure she would've done
    a splendid job of laying him to rest.
[21:51] ---
    But this is a story about 400 years ago, after all.
[21:55] ---
    In any case, repeatedly going through
    a closed-circuit reincarnation over and over by himself...
[22:04] ---
    ...he might have done so
    for the rest of time.
[22:08] ---
    The first Apparition Killer
    had above-average persistence.
[22:12] ---
    It was definitely worthy of the fact
[22:14] ---
    that the legendary vampire chose him
    as her first minion.
[22:18] ---
    With a will that wasn't supposed to be there,
    with what little willpower he had,
[22:21] ---
    he rode the wind as ash.
[22:24] ---
    Even if he was scattered,
    he'd congregate once again.
[22:26] ---
    Grain by grain, with much persistence...
[22:29] ---
    By perseverance alone,
    he returned to this town.
[22:35] ---
    That was what happened 15 years ago.