E6 - Touter / Optimization / Massage Source: Crunchyroll Translator: Editor: Timer: QC: (Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.) SIGN    Gonpachi [00:07] Oso     Thanks for the grub. SIGN    "Touter" [00:12] Kara     Should we just head back     to the hotel tonight? [00:15] Oso     Yeah... We've got a meeting tomorrow. SIGN    Free Guide SIGN    Trustworthy and Safe [00:20] Iyami     Ah, there you are, Mr. President. [00:23] Iyami     Me was born into this world to serve you! [00:27] Iyami     Me has been waiting for you     in this cold for so long! [00:30] Iyami     Me is so happy to have finally found you! [00:34] Iyami     Are you gentlemen from Tokyo? [00:36] Iyami     You're not, are ya? [00:38] Iyami     You must be on a business trip! [00:40] Iyami     You need to have a night on     the town in the big city, then! [00:45] Iyami     Our place is super cheap! [00:48] Iyami     It's just a whopping 3,000 yen! Sheeeh! [00:53] Iyami     It's just a whopping 2,000 yen! Sheeeh! [00:57] Iyami     A whopping 1,000 yen! Sheeeh! [01:03] Iyami     Everyone at our place is super cute!     And they're not wearing any clothes! [01:08] Iyami     Sh-Sh... Sheeeh! [01:12] Oso     Huh? They're not wearing clothes? [01:15] Both     For real?! [01:16] Kara     Is that even allowed? [01:19] Iyami     Me can't say this very loudly... [01:23] Iyami     but they're only wearing underpants. [01:24] Both     What?! [01:25] Oso     Just underpants?! [01:26] Iyami     Shh! [01:26] Kara     Oh, man... [01:28] Iyami     Their boobies are completely exposed. [01:29] Oso     Completely exposed?!     So we can get an eyeful? [01:31] Oso     So... what kind of underpants     are they wearing? [01:33] Iyami     They have light blue and green stripes. [01:35] Kara     That's super cute! What do they look like? [01:38] Iyami     Plump and juicy. [01:39] Kara     Nice! [01:40] Iyami     They're charming and have soft, fair skin. [01:43] Kara     Nice! [01:44] Iyami     They also speak this cutesy dialect. [01:47] Oso     Ooh, I love when they speak in dialects! [01:49] Kara     Me, too! [01:52] Oso     You're not lying about any of this, are you? [01:55] Iyami     Me would never lie! [01:57] Kara     Are you sure? [01:58] Iyami     Me has said nothing but the truth. [02:01] Kara     What are the other ones like? [02:03] Iyami     We actually have a master     technician in today. [02:07] Both     Technician? [02:08] Kara     What do you mean? [02:09] Iyami     They are known as... the Vacuum Demon! [02:12] Both     Vacuum?! [02:13] Oso     Uh, is that okay?!     What kind of place is this?! [02:15] Iyami     They suck so hard,     they can suck anything down. [02:17] Both     Oh, shit! [02:18] Iyami     Their ability to suck is otherworldly. [02:21] Kara     That's a bit scary. [02:23] Iyami     You could say their mouth was made for that. [02:25] Oso     Their mouth was made for that?     Wait, what are you saying? [02:27] Iyami     You're curious, aren't you?     You should experience it at least once. [02:32] Iyami     Two other treasures we have today... [02:34] Oso     There's more?! [02:38] Iyami     Legal lolis. [02:39] Both     Say what?! [02:40] Iyami     They look like children, but they're     definitely over twenty, so no worries. [02:45] Iyami     One of them doesn't have any hair at all! [02:48] Kara     No hair?! [02:49] Iyami     Silky smooth. [02:50] Kara     Silky smooth?! [02:51] Iyami     You wanna see, don't you? [02:52] Kara     You bet I do! [02:53] Iyami     The other one's got a flag rammed in. [02:56] Both     A flag?! [02:57] Oso     Why a flag?! What's it even for?! [02:59] Kara     Is it a fashion statement,     or does it just feel good? [03:01] Iyami     That flag's basically rammed in 24/7. [03:05] Oso     It's rammed in 24/7?! [03:07] Oso     Doesn't it get in the way?     Doesn't it hit anything? [03:09] Kara     No idea, but I sure wanna see! [03:11] Iyami     Well, wanna have a go at our place? [03:15] Both     Yeah! [03:16] Iyami     Then that'll be... [03:18] Iyami     20,000 yen apiece. [03:19] Both     Huh? [03:20] Iyami     There are two of you,     so that'll be 40,000 yen. [03:26] Oso     Hey, wait! [03:27] Kara     We'll pay! Please! [03:29] Iyami     Thanks for your payment! [03:32] Iyami     We've got two coming in! [03:34] Both     Yay! [03:36] Dekapan     Hoeh, I'll show you a good time. [03:39] Dayon     I'll suck you dry! [03:41] Chibi     Silky smooth, buddy! [03:42] Hata     I've got a flag, jo. [03:47] Iyami     You folks should also be careful     at night in the big city! Sheeeh! SIGN    End SIGN    "Optimization" [05:40] Both     Choromatsu-san. [05:43] Choro     Hey, thanks! [05:45] Salmon     Are you happy? [05:47] Choro     Huh? [05:48] Ume     Are you satisfied? [05:51] Choro     Yeah, you're a big help. [05:56] Choro     Wow! You're going all-out! [06:08] Todo     Man, this is rough. And a bit embarrassing. [06:13] Plum     Here you go. [06:15] Todo     Thanks. [06:17] Kara     Ah, Brothers, you're here. [06:20] Kara     I love you, as always. [06:25] Kara     Ah! [06:32] Kara     No need to get too exci— [06:55] Kara     These adorable jerks. [06:56] Choro     Yeah, they're so brilliant. [06:58] Jyushi     So much fun! [06:59] Choro     They're so efficient.     They're not wasteful at all. [07:01] Todo     They sure are convenient machines. [07:03] Jyushi     He said it again! [07:05] Jyushi     Totty, you probably     shouldn't call them that. [07:08] Todo     What do you mean? Oh, I know.     How about convenient tools? [07:11] Todo     Or possibly hunks of junk that     think and move around a lot? [07:13] Jyushi     Okay, never mind. [07:16] Both     All done! [07:20] Kara     This is great! [07:21] Jyushi     Yum! [07:22] Choro     It's so good! [07:23] Todo     No complaints here! SIGN    How to Make Delicious Yakisoba SIGN    Ingredients          120g thin-sliced bacon 2 packs yakisoba noodles     1/4 onion Yakisoba sauce to taste     2-3 cabbage leaves Aonori and pickled ginger to taste     1/2 bag bean sprouts SIGN    Cut the onion, cabbage, and bacon into bite-size pieces. SIGN    Rinse the noodles and pat     them dry with a paper towel. [07:25] Salmon     We've optimized the balance of     nutrition, seasoning, and appearance SIGN    Heat 1 tbsp. oil in a frying pan     and fry the noodles until golden. SIGN    Clean the frying pan, then add     the bacon and stir-fry. SIGN    Move the meat and veggies to     one side and add the noodles     back into the frying pan. SIGN    Mix sauce in with the meat     and veggies while separating     and cutting up the noodles. SIGN    Transfer to a plate, add aonori     and pickled ginger, and enjoy! SIGN    Breakdown of Balanced Nutrition Data (According to Riceball Research) [07:29] Salmon     using the available ingredients. [07:32] Plum     This is the yakisoba that     most people currently crave. [07:35] Four     Huh... [07:37] Salmon     Are you happy? [07:38] Four     Yup. [07:39] Choro     It's perfect! It's delicious. Thanks. [07:50] Oso     Huh?! You're eating yakisoba? Why?! [07:52] Oso     Hey, you two! Where's mine? [07:55] Oso     Why are you ignoring me?! [07:58] Jyushi     Guess you're just not into the     Riceballs yet, Osomatsu-niisan. [08:01] Choro     Get with the program, dude. [08:03] Oso     Why do I have to be into them? [08:06] Oso     I'm the eldest brother here.     Y'all need to worship me. [08:09] Oso     So, where's my yakisoba? [08:12] Salmon     We've used up all of the ingredients,     so we can't make any more. [08:15] Plum     No more. [08:16] Oso     Show me some VR porn, then. [08:19] Oso     Come on! VR porn! VR porn! [08:21] Kara     Hey, come on. [08:21] Oso     VR porn! VR porn! VR porn! [08:23] Todo     They're gonna break. [08:24] Salmon     Osomatsu is the shittiest brother. [08:25] Plum     Osomatsu is the shittiest brother. [08:27] Both     Shittiest brother, shittiest brother,     shittiest brother, shit. [08:30] Oso     Hey, who taught them that? [08:32] Oso     Wow, all of you? Really? [09:15] Toto     Gah! [09:38] Ichi     Mrow, mrow. [09:41] Ichi     Mrow. [10:19] Salmon     We need him to be happy. [10:21] Plum     We need him to be satisfied. [10:28] Todo     Huh? Those machines aren't here yet? [10:31] Choro     No, they aren't here yet. [10:33] Todo     Man, I was going to have     them brush my teeth for me. [10:36] Choro     You're making them do that, too?! [10:38] Choro     Who died and made you king? [10:40] Todo     Aw, I prefer to be called a prince, personally. [10:43] Choro     Shut up. [10:44] Jyushi     I think the Riceballs will be here soon. [10:46] Todo     Yeah. [10:55] Mom     So I was wondering, where do     those two even come from? [11:00] Both     Dunno. [11:17] Both     Hello! [11:20] Ichi     Wh-What? [11:23] Ichi     Cat expectation values? [11:25] Both     Yes. SIGN    Cat Expectation Values [11:26] Both     Cat expectation values. [11:29] Salmon     We AIs are filled with endless data. SIGN    Cat Expectation Values [11:33] Salmon     We used that data to determine SIGN    Cat Distribution Diagram [11:34] Salmon     the values of likely places cats     might be in this neighborhood [11:37] Salmon     and came up with expectation values. [11:39] Plum     The higher the value, the higher     the chance of running into a cat. [11:43] Ichi     How can you even do that? [11:45] Salmon     We are unsure, SIGN    Cat Distribution Diagram [11:47] Salmon     but the results are definite. [11:53] Ichi     Oh, I see. [11:56] Salmon     You like cats, don't you? [11:59] Ichi     Huh? [12:00] Plum     That's what Jyushimatsu-san said. [12:03] Ichi     I-I don't like them that much... [12:06] Salmon     You're not very honest     with yourself, are you? [12:08] Ichi     What? [12:09] Plum     That's what Jyushimatsu-san said. [12:12] Ichi     That bastard needs to keep his mouth shut. [12:14] Ichi     I'm gonna beat the shit out     of him when I get home. [12:16] Both     Ichimatsu-san. [12:18] Salmon     Come along with us... [12:20] Plum     ...as we use the cat expectation values... [12:21] Salmon     ...to find some cats. Let's go! [12:26] Ichi     No, that's okay. [12:27] Both     Huh? [12:28] Ichi     I'm not really looking for cats.     I'm not even interested. [12:35] Salmon     Are you sure? [12:36] Ichi     I'm sure. [12:37] Plum     Are you being honest? [12:38] Ichi     Yup. [12:40] Twins     I see. Well, then, goodbye. [12:46] Ichi     Say... [12:49] Ichi     Can you really find cats? Like, will we     be able to find some immediately? SIGN    Cat Expectation Values [12:55] Salmon     Would you like to use the     cat expectation values? [12:57] Ichi     No... [12:59] Plum     Don't you want to see any cats? [13:00] Ichi     Not at all. [13:02] Twins     Goodbye. [13:04] Ichi     Um... [13:06] Ichi     You see, I have a lot of time on my hands,     being a NEET and such. Yes. [13:11] Ichi     So if you absolutely insist I go with you,     I guess I wouldn't mind. [13:16] Ichi     Yes, yes, yes. SIGN    Sutabaa Coffee [13:22] Twins     We found one. [13:24] Ichi     Seriously? There actually is one! H-Huh? [13:26] Ichi     But how? [13:27] Ichi     They don't usually come here. [13:29] Plum     They do at this time. [13:31] Ichi     But why? [13:32] Plum     We are unsure. [13:34] Plum     That's just what the cat     expectation values tell us. [13:58] Both     Are you happy? [14:02] Ichi     Uh, yeah. [14:04] Plum     Are you satisfied? [14:06] Ichi     Yes. [14:08] Both     Hooray. Hooray. Hooray. [14:11] Both     Hooray! SIGN    Address Cat Expectation Values Honmachi 2-3-5 95 Honmachi 3-6-12 81 Higashimachi 1-1-11 91 Higashimachi 2-9-8 77 Minamimachi 3-8-42 75 SIGN    Address Cat Expectation Values     Honmachi 2-3-5 95     Honmachi 3-6-12 81     Higashimachi 1-1-11 91     Higashimachi 2-9-8 77     Minamimachi 3-8-42 75     Minamimachi 4-5-4 66 SIGN    Kitamachi 1-21-8 68 Kitamachi 3-5-17 75 Nakamachi 2-14-5 92 Nakamachi 4-23-16 84 Kamimachi 2-5-13 79 [15:27] Salmon     Ichimatsu-san, let's go this way next. [15:30] Ume     This way. [15:31] Twins     We're so glad you're happy. [15:33] Plum     So glad. [15:34] Salmon     Now you don't need to waste     time looking for cats. [15:38] Salmon     Time saved. [15:40] Plum     Optimization! [15:44] Ichi     Hey... [15:46] Ichi     Sorry. I'm done. [15:51] Ichi     You can have this back. [15:55] Ichi     Thanks, but I don't need it anymore. [15:58] Ichi     I'll find them on my own from now on. [16:04] Salmon     I wonder why. [16:06] Plum     I wonder why. [16:13] Salmon     Maybe he doesn't like cats. [16:16] Plum     Maybe he doesn't like us. [16:20] Both     I don't know. [16:28] Oso     Oh, there you are. SIGN    "Massage" [16:30] Oso     You free? Could you give me a massage? [16:33] Jyushi     A massage? Sure. [16:35] Oso     Thanks! [16:38] Oso     All right, have at it. [16:39] Jyushi     Here I go! [16:41] Oso     Sure. [16:48] Oso     That feels great. [16:50] Oso     You're good at this, Jyushimatsu. [16:51] Oso     You're pretty strong. [16:54] Oso     You can dig in a bit more. I'm fine. [16:57] Jyushi     You sure? Like this? [17:00] Oso     Yeah, just like that! That feels so good! [17:06] Oso     Can you do it even harder? [17:07] Jyushi     Harder? [17:14] Jyushi     Wait, doesn't that hurt?     I'm really digging in there. [17:18] Oso     Nope, totally fine... Harder... Harder! [17:24] Oso     Yes! Harder! [17:26] Oso     Whoa, what the hell?! [17:28] Jyushi     Wait, doesn't that hurt? [17:29] Oso     It doesn't! Harder! [17:35] Oso     Yes! [17:37] Oso     It hurts! [17:39] Jyushi     Wait, it hurts? [17:40] Oso     It doesn't hurt! [17:41] Jyushi     You clearly just said it hurt. [17:43] Oso     I'm fine! It feels amazing! [17:48] Oso     More! [17:51] Oso     Jyushimatsu, stop! [17:53] Jyushi     Should I stop? [17:54] Oso     No! [17:54] Jyushi     Which is it? [17:55] Oso     Keep going! It feels so good! [17:57] Jyushi     Are you sure? I'm actually     scared to go any harder. [18:01] Oso     I'm fine! Go harder! Please! [18:08] Jyushi     I'm scared. I'm really scared. [18:11] Jyushi     I'm so scared! [18:14] Jyushi     I'm so scared! [18:16] Jyushi     I wanna stop! [18:26] Jyushi     Huh? [18:29] Jyushi     Osomatsu-niisan? [18:34] Jyushi     Osomatsu-niisan! [18:38] Jyushi     H-Huh? Huh? [18:41] Jyushi     What?! [18:45] Oso     Man, that felt great! [18:48] Oso     Thanks, Jyushimatsu! [18:50] Jyushi     That was dangerous! [18:52] Jyushi     That was really dangerous, Osomatsu-niisan! [18:54] Oso     That felt amazing. Thanks, Jyushimatsu. [18:56] Jyushi     You're very welcome! [18:58] Oso     Do it one more time. [18:59] Jyushi     No way! [19:00] Jyushi     Absolutely not! [19:01] Oso     Why not? [19:02] Jyushi     I thought you were dead!     That was a really close call! [19:06] Oso     What are you talking about?     No one dies from massages. [19:10] Jyushi     You're right, they don't.     But you almost did! [19:13] Oso     All right, let's continue. [19:15] Jyushi     No way! [19:16] Oso     Hurry up. [19:17] Jysuhi     Not happening. [19:18] Oso     Why not? [19:19] Jyushi     I don't want to kill you, Osomatsu-niisan. [19:22] Oso     Just one more time. Please. [19:26] Oso     Hurry! [19:31] Jyushi     This is the last time. [19:33] Oso     Sure! [19:34] Jyushi     Also, don't tell me to go     harder anymore. It's scary. [19:37] Oso     You got it! [19:38] Jyushi     Also, no dying. [19:40] Oso     Got it. [19:42] Jyushi     Okay, just one more time. [19:45] Jyushi     Here I go. [19:45] Oso     Thanks! [19:48] Oso     Go harder! [19:51] Oso     Harder! [19:53] Oso     Harder! [19:56] Oso     Holy shit! What is this?! [19:58] Oso     I've never felt this before!      It's totally new! [19:59] Jyushi     I'm scared! I wanna stop! [20:02] Oso     Jyushimatsu! [20:03] Jyushi     Osomatsu-niisan! [20:05] Oso     Jyushimatsu! [20:06] Jyushi     Osomatsu-niisan? [20:08] Oso     Jyushimatsu! [20:09] Jyushi     Osomatsu-niisan! [20:16] Jyushi     Huh? [20:18] Jyushi     Osomatsu-niisan? [20:21] Jyushi     Osomatsu-niisan? [20:26] Jyushi     There you go again!      Come on, Osomatsu-niisan. [20:29] Jyushi     Osomatsu-niisan, stop messing     around and wake up. [20:32] Jyushi     Osomatsu-niisan! [20:36] Jyushi     Huh? Wait, Osomatsu-niisan? [20:40] Jyushi     Osomatsu-niisan! [20:41] Jyushi     Hey! Wake up! [20:43] Choro     Keep it down, Jyushimatsu! [20:46] Choro     What are you screaming about? [20:49] Choro     What's wrong? [20:57] Choro     Just keep the noise down, okay? [21:07] Jyushi     What am I going to do?     What am I going to do?! [21:12] Oso     Gotcha! [21:15] Oso     Did I scare you, Jyushimatsu? [21:19] Oso     What's with that face? You're such an idiot! [21:22] Oso     I wouldn't die from a massage!     It was just an act! [21:30] Jyushi     That's enough! [21:39] Choro     What's the matter, Jyushimatsu?     Why are you so angry? [21:43] Choro     What?! [21:45] Choro     Wh-What happened in here? [21:50] Choro     Th-That's... [21:53] Choro     Osomatsu-niisan... [21:55] Choro     has been murdered. SIGN    End SIGN    Next time on SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu [23:29] Choro     I'm Matsuno Choromatsu. [23:31] Choro     The next episode of Mr. Osomatsu [23:32] Choro     will be a tidbits collection     filled with little stories. [23:36] Choro     Whenever you just happen to have     a happy accident in your daily life, [23:39] Choro     please think of me, Matsuno Choromatsu. [23:43] Choro     I'll come see you. [23:44] Choro     What do I mean by a happy accident? [23:46] Choro     Huh? Why are you asking     me something so lewd?! SIGN    "Tidbits Collection 3" [23:50] Choro     Are you a pervert? [23:52] Choro     Come on, now!