# E6 - Touter / Optimization / Massage
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/G6DV0Q4W6/touter--optimization--massage)
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
***SIGN*** Gonpachi
**[00:07] Oso**
Thanks for the grub.
***SIGN*** "Touter"
**[00:12] Kara**
Should we just head back
to the hotel tonight?
**[00:15] Oso**
Yeah... We've got a meeting tomorrow.
***SIGN*** Free Guide
***SIGN*** Trustworthy and Safe
**[00:20] Iyami**
Ah, there you are, Mr. President.
**[00:23] Iyami**
Me was born into this world to serve you!
**[00:27] Iyami**
Me has been waiting for you
in this cold for so long!
**[00:30] Iyami**
Me is so happy to have finally found you!
**[00:34] Iyami**
Are you gentlemen from Tokyo?
**[00:36] Iyami**
You're not, are ya?
**[00:38] Iyami**
You must be on a business trip!
**[00:40] Iyami**
You need to have a night on
the town in the big city, then!
**[00:45] Iyami**
Our place is super cheap!
**[00:48] Iyami**
It's just a whopping 3,000 yen! Sheeeh!
**[00:53] Iyami**
It's just a whopping 2,000 yen! Sheeeh!
**[00:57] Iyami**
A whopping 1,000 yen! Sheeeh!
**[01:03] Iyami**
Everyone at our place is super cute!
And they're not wearing any clothes!
**[01:08] Iyami**
Sh-Sh... Sheeeh!
**[01:12] Oso**
Huh? They're not wearing clothes?
**[01:15] Both**
For real?!
**[01:16] Kara**
Is that even allowed?
**[01:19] Iyami**
Me can't say this very loudly...
**[01:23] Iyami**
but they're only wearing underpants.
**[01:24] Both**
What?!
**[01:25] Oso**
Just underpants?!
**[01:26] Iyami**
Shh!
**[01:26] Kara**
Oh, man...
**[01:28] Iyami**
Their boobies are completely exposed.
**[01:29] Oso**
Completely exposed?!
So we can get an eyeful?
**[01:31] Oso**
So... what kind of underpants
are they wearing?
**[01:33] Iyami**
They have light blue and green stripes.
**[01:35] Kara**
That's super cute! What do they look like?
**[01:38] Iyami**
Plump and juicy.
**[01:39] Kara**
Nice!
**[01:40] Iyami**
They're charming and have soft, fair skin.
**[01:43] Kara**
Nice!
**[01:44] Iyami**
They also speak this cutesy dialect.
**[01:47] Oso**
Ooh, I love when they speak in dialects!
**[01:49] Kara**
Me, too!
**[01:52] Oso**
You're not lying about any of this, are you?
**[01:55] Iyami**
Me would never lie!
**[01:57] Kara**
Are you sure?
**[01:58] Iyami**
Me has said nothing but the truth.
**[02:01] Kara**
What are the other ones like?
**[02:03] Iyami**
We actually have a master
technician in today.
**[02:07] Both**
Technician?
**[02:08] Kara**
What do you mean?
**[02:09] Iyami**
They are known as... the Vacuum Demon!
**[02:12] Both**
Vacuum?!
**[02:13] Oso**
Uh, is that okay?!
What kind of place is this?!
**[02:15] Iyami**
They suck so hard,
they can suck anything down.
**[02:17] Both**
Oh, shit!
**[02:18] Iyami**
Their ability to suck is otherworldly.
**[02:21] Kara**
That's a bit scary.
**[02:23] Iyami**
You could say their mouth was made for that.
**[02:25] Oso**
Their mouth was made for that?
Wait, what are you saying?
**[02:27] Iyami**
You're curious, aren't you?
You should experience it at least once.
**[02:32] Iyami**
Two other treasures we have today...
**[02:34] Oso**
There's more?!
**[02:38] Iyami**
Legal lolis.
**[02:39] Both**
Say what?!
**[02:40] Iyami**
They look like children, but they're
definitely over twenty, so no worries.
**[02:45] Iyami**
One of them doesn't have any hair at all!
**[02:48] Kara**
No hair?!
**[02:49] Iyami**
Silky smooth.
**[02:50] Kara**
Silky smooth?!
**[02:51] Iyami**
You wanna see, don't you?
**[02:52] Kara**
You bet I do!
**[02:53] Iyami**
The other one's got a flag rammed in.
**[02:56] Both**
A flag?!
**[02:57] Oso**
Why a flag?! What's it even for?!
**[02:59] Kara**
Is it a fashion statement,
or does it just feel good?
**[03:01] Iyami**
That flag's basically rammed in 24/7.
**[03:05] Oso**
It's rammed in 24/7?!
**[03:07] Oso**
Doesn't it get in the way?
Doesn't it hit anything?
**[03:09] Kara**
No idea, but I sure wanna see!
**[03:11] Iyami**
Well, wanna have a go at our place?
**[03:15] Both**
Yeah!
**[03:16] Iyami**
Then that'll be...
**[03:18] Iyami**
20,000 yen apiece.
**[03:19] Both**
Huh?
**[03:20] Iyami**
There are two of you,
so that'll be 40,000 yen.
**[03:26] Oso**
Hey, wait!
**[03:27] Kara**
We'll pay! Please!
**[03:29] Iyami**
Thanks for your payment!
**[03:32] Iyami**
We've got two coming in!
**[03:34] Both**
Yay!
**[03:36] Dekapan**
Hoeh, I'll show you a good time.
**[03:39] Dayon**
I'll suck you dry!
**[03:41] Chibi**
Silky smooth, buddy!
**[03:42] Hata**
I've got a flag, jo.
**[03:47] Iyami**
You folks should also be careful
at night in the big city! Sheeeh!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** "Optimization"
**[05:40] Both**
Choromatsu-san.
**[05:43] Choro**
Hey, thanks!
**[05:45] Salmon**
Are you happy?
**[05:47] Choro**
Huh?
**[05:48] Ume**
Are you satisfied?
**[05:51] Choro**
Yeah, you're a big help.
**[05:56] Choro**
Wow! You're going all-out!
**[06:08] Todo**
Man, this is rough. And a bit embarrassing.
**[06:13] Plum**
Here you go.
**[06:15] Todo**
Thanks.
**[06:17] Kara**
Ah, Brothers, you're here.
**[06:20] Kara**
I love you, as always.
**[06:25] Kara**
Ah!
**[06:32] Kara**
No need to get too exci—
**[06:55] Kara**
These adorable jerks.
**[06:56] Choro**
Yeah, they're so brilliant.
**[06:58] Jyushi**
So much fun!
**[06:59] Choro**
They're so efficient.
They're not wasteful at all.
**[07:01] Todo**
They sure are convenient machines.
**[07:03] Jyushi**
He said it again!
**[07:05] Jyushi**
Totty, you probably
shouldn't call them that.
**[07:08] Todo**
What do you mean? Oh, I know.
How about convenient tools?
**[07:11] Todo**
Or possibly hunks of junk that
think and move around a lot?
**[07:13] Jyushi**
Okay, never mind.
**[07:16] Both**
All done!
**[07:20] Kara**
This is great!
**[07:21] Jyushi**
Yum!
**[07:22] Choro**
It's so good!
**[07:23] Todo**
No complaints here!
***SIGN*** How to Make Delicious Yakisoba
***SIGN*** Ingredients
120g thin-sliced bacon 2 packs yakisoba noodles
1/4 onion Yakisoba sauce to taste
2-3 cabbage leaves Aonori and pickled ginger to taste
1/2 bag bean sprouts
***SIGN*** Cut the onion, cabbage, and bacon into bite-size pieces.
***SIGN*** Rinse the noodles and pat
them dry with a paper towel.
**[07:25] Salmon**
We've optimized the balance of
nutrition, seasoning, and appearance
***SIGN*** Heat 1 tbsp. oil in a frying pan
and fry the noodles until golden.
***SIGN*** Clean the frying pan, then add
the bacon and stir-fry.
***SIGN*** Move the meat and veggies to
one side and add the noodles
back into the frying pan.
***SIGN*** Mix sauce in with the meat
and veggies while separating
and cutting up the noodles.
***SIGN*** Transfer to a plate, add aonori
and pickled ginger, and enjoy!
***SIGN*** Breakdown of Balanced Nutrition Data (According to Riceball Research)
**[07:29] Salmon**
using the available ingredients.
**[07:32] Plum**
This is the yakisoba that
most people currently crave.
**[07:35] Four**
Huh...
**[07:37] Salmon**
Are you happy?
**[07:38] Four**
Yup.
**[07:39] Choro**
It's perfect! It's delicious. Thanks.
**[07:50] Oso**
Huh?! You're eating yakisoba? Why?!
**[07:52] Oso**
Hey, you two! Where's mine?
**[07:55] Oso**
Why are you ignoring me?!
**[07:58] Jyushi**
Guess you're just not into the
Riceballs yet, Osomatsu-niisan.
**[08:01] Choro**
Get with the program, dude.
**[08:03] Oso**
Why do I have to be into them?
**[08:06] Oso**
I'm the eldest brother here.
Y'all need to worship me.
**[08:09] Oso**
So, where's my yakisoba?
**[08:12] Salmon**
We've used up all of the ingredients,
so we can't make any more.
**[08:15] Plum**
No more.
**[08:16] Oso**
Show me some VR porn, then.
**[08:19] Oso**
Come on! VR porn! VR porn!
**[08:21] Kara**
Hey, come on.
**[08:21] Oso**
VR porn! VR porn! VR porn!
**[08:23] Todo**
They're gonna break.
**[08:24] Salmon**
Osomatsu is the shittiest brother.
**[08:25] Plum**
Osomatsu is the shittiest brother.
**[08:27] Both**
Shittiest brother, shittiest brother,
shittiest brother, shit.
**[08:30] Oso**
Hey, who taught them that?
**[08:32] Oso**
Wow, all of you? Really?
**[09:15] Toto**
Gah!
**[09:38] Ichi**
Mrow, mrow.
**[09:41] Ichi**
Mrow.
**[10:19] Salmon**
We need him to be happy.
**[10:21] Plum**
We need him to be satisfied.
**[10:28] Todo**
Huh? Those machines aren't here yet?
**[10:31] Choro**
No, they aren't here yet.
**[10:33] Todo**
Man, I was going to have
them brush my teeth for me.
**[10:36] Choro**
You're making them do that, too?!
**[10:38] Choro**
Who died and made you king?
**[10:40] Todo**
Aw, I prefer to be called a prince, personally.
**[10:43] Choro**
Shut up.
**[10:44] Jyushi**
I think the Riceballs will be here soon.
**[10:46] Todo**
Yeah.
**[10:55] Mom**
So I was wondering, where do
those two even come from?
**[11:00] Both**
Dunno.
**[11:17] Both**
Hello!
**[11:20] Ichi**
Wh-What?
**[11:23] Ichi**
Cat expectation values?
**[11:25] Both**
Yes.
***SIGN*** Cat Expectation Values
**[11:26] Both**
Cat expectation values.
**[11:29] Salmon**
We AIs are filled with endless data.
***SIGN*** Cat Expectation Values
**[11:33] Salmon**
We used that data to determine
***SIGN*** Cat Distribution Diagram
**[11:34] Salmon**
the values of likely places cats
might be in this neighborhood
**[11:37] Salmon**
and came up with expectation values.
**[11:39] Plum**
The higher the value, the higher
the chance of running into a cat.
**[11:43] Ichi**
How can you even do that?
**[11:45] Salmon**
We are unsure,
***SIGN*** Cat Distribution Diagram
**[11:47] Salmon**
but the results are definite.
**[11:53] Ichi**
Oh, I see.
**[11:56] Salmon**
You like cats, don't you?
**[11:59] Ichi**
Huh?
**[12:00] Plum**
That's what Jyushimatsu-san said.
**[12:03] Ichi**
I-I don't like them that much...
**[12:06] Salmon**
You're not very honest
with yourself, are you?
**[12:08] Ichi**
What?
**[12:09] Plum**
That's what Jyushimatsu-san said.
**[12:12] Ichi**
*That bastard needs to keep his mouth shut.*
**[12:14] Ichi**
* I'm gonna beat the shit out*
* of him when I get home.*
**[12:16] Both**
Ichimatsu-san.
**[12:18] Salmon**
Come along with us...
**[12:20] Plum**
...as we use the cat expectation values...
**[12:21] Salmon**
...to find some cats. Let's go!
**[12:26] Ichi**
No, that's okay.
**[12:27] Both**
Huh?
**[12:28] Ichi**
I'm not really looking for cats.
I'm not even interested.
**[12:35] Salmon**
Are you sure?
**[12:36] Ichi**
I'm sure.
**[12:37] Plum**
Are you being honest?
**[12:38] Ichi**
Yup.
**[12:40] Twins**
I see. Well, then, goodbye.
**[12:46] Ichi**
Say...
**[12:49] Ichi**
Can you really find cats? Like, will we
be able to find some immediately?
***SIGN*** Cat Expectation Values
**[12:55] Salmon**
Would you like to use the
cat expectation values?
**[12:57] Ichi**
No...
**[12:59] Plum**
Don't you want to see any cats?
**[13:00] Ichi**
Not at all.
**[13:02] Twins**
Goodbye.
**[13:04] Ichi**
Um...
**[13:06] Ichi**
You see, I have a lot of time on my hands,
being a NEET and such. Yes.
**[13:11] Ichi**
So if you absolutely insist I go with you,
I guess I wouldn't mind.
**[13:16] Ichi**
Yes, yes, yes.
***SIGN*** Sutabaa Coffee
**[13:22] Twins**
We found one.
**[13:24] Ichi**
Seriously? There actually is one! H-Huh?
**[13:26] Ichi**
But how?
**[13:27] Ichi**
They don't usually come here.
**[13:29] Plum**
They do at this time.
**[13:31] Ichi**
But why?
**[13:32] Plum**
We are unsure.
**[13:34] Plum**
That's just what the cat
expectation values tell us.
**[13:58] Both**
Are you happy?
**[14:02] Ichi**
Uh, yeah.
**[14:04] Plum**
Are you satisfied?
**[14:06] Ichi**
Yes.
**[14:08] Both**
Hooray. Hooray. Hooray.
**[14:11] Both**
Hooray!
***SIGN*** Address Cat Expectation Values Honmachi 2-3-5 95 Honmachi 3-6-12 81 Higashimachi 1-1-11 91 Higashimachi 2-9-8 77 Minamimachi 3-8-42 75
***SIGN*** Address Cat Expectation Values
Honmachi 2-3-5 95
Honmachi 3-6-12 81
Higashimachi 1-1-11 91
Higashimachi 2-9-8 77
Minamimachi 3-8-42 75
Minamimachi 4-5-4 66
***SIGN*** Kitamachi 1-21-8 68 Kitamachi 3-5-17 75 Nakamachi 2-14-5 92 Nakamachi 4-23-16 84 Kamimachi 2-5-13 79
**[15:27] Salmon**
Ichimatsu-san, let's go this way next.
**[15:30] Ume**
This way.
**[15:31] Twins**
We're so glad you're happy.
**[15:33] Plum**
So glad.
**[15:34] Salmon**
Now you don't need to waste
time looking for cats.
**[15:38] Salmon**
Time saved.
**[15:40] Plum**
Optimization!
**[15:44] Ichi**
Hey...
**[15:46] Ichi**
Sorry. I'm done.
**[15:51] Ichi**
You can have this back.
**[15:55] Ichi**
Thanks, but I don't need it anymore.
**[15:58] Ichi**
I'll find them on my own from now on.
**[16:04] Salmon**
I wonder why.
**[16:06] Plum**
I wonder why.
**[16:13] Salmon**
Maybe he doesn't like cats.
**[16:16] Plum**
Maybe he doesn't like us.
**[16:20] Both**
I don't know.
**[16:28] Oso**
Oh, there you are.
***SIGN*** "Massage"
**[16:30] Oso**
You free? Could you give me a massage?
**[16:33] Jyushi**
A massage? Sure.
**[16:35] Oso**
Thanks!
**[16:38] Oso**
All right, have at it.
**[16:39] Jyushi**
Here I go!
**[16:41] Oso**
Sure.
**[16:48] Oso**
That feels great.
**[16:50] Oso**
You're good at this, Jyushimatsu.
**[16:51] Oso**
You're pretty strong.
**[16:54] Oso**
You can dig in a bit more. I'm fine.
**[16:57] Jyushi**
You sure? Like this?
**[17:00] Oso**
Yeah, just like that! That feels so good!
**[17:06] Oso**
Can you do it even harder?
**[17:07] Jyushi**
Harder?
**[17:14] Jyushi**
Wait, doesn't that hurt?
I'm really digging in there.
**[17:18] Oso**
Nope, totally fine... Harder... Harder!
**[17:24] Oso**
Yes! Harder!
**[17:26] Oso**
Whoa, what the hell?!
**[17:28] Jyushi**
Wait, doesn't that hurt?
**[17:29] Oso**
It doesn't! Harder!
**[17:35] Oso**
Yes!
**[17:37] Oso**
It hurts!
**[17:39] Jyushi**
Wait, it hurts?
**[17:40] Oso**
It doesn't hurt!
**[17:41] Jyushi**
You clearly just said it hurt.
**[17:43] Oso**
I'm fine! It feels amazing!
**[17:48] Oso**
More!
**[17:51] Oso**
Jyushimatsu, stop!
**[17:53] Jyushi**
Should I stop?
**[17:54] Oso**
No!
**[17:54] Jyushi**
Which is it?
**[17:55] Oso**
Keep going! It feels so good!
**[17:57] Jyushi**
Are you sure? I'm actually
scared to go any harder.
**[18:01] Oso**
I'm fine! Go harder! Please!
**[18:08] Jyushi**
I'm scared. I'm really scared.
**[18:11] Jyushi**
I'm so scared!
**[18:14] Jyushi**
I'm so scared!
**[18:16] Jyushi**
I wanna stop!
**[18:26] Jyushi**
Huh?
**[18:29] Jyushi**
Osomatsu-niisan?
**[18:34] Jyushi**
Osomatsu-niisan!
**[18:38] Jyushi**
H-Huh? Huh?
**[18:41] Jyushi**
What?!
**[18:45] Oso**
Man, that felt great!
**[18:48] Oso**
Thanks, Jyushimatsu!
**[18:50] Jyushi**
That was dangerous!
**[18:52] Jyushi**
That was really dangerous, Osomatsu-niisan!
**[18:54] Oso**
That felt amazing. Thanks, Jyushimatsu.
**[18:56] Jyushi**
You're very welcome!
**[18:58] Oso**
Do it one more time.
**[18:59] Jyushi**
No way!
**[19:00] Jyushi**
Absolutely not!
**[19:01] Oso**
Why not?
**[19:02] Jyushi**
I thought you were dead!
That was a really close call!
**[19:06] Oso**
What are you talking about?
No one dies from massages.
**[19:10] Jyushi**
You're right, they don't.
But you almost did!
**[19:13] Oso**
All right, let's continue.
**[19:15] Jyushi**
No way!
**[19:16] Oso**
Hurry up.
**[19:17] Jysuhi**
Not happening.
**[19:18] Oso**
Why not?
**[19:19] Jyushi**
I don't want to kill you, Osomatsu-niisan.
**[19:22] Oso**
Just one more time. Please.
**[19:26] Oso**
Hurry!
**[19:31] Jyushi**
This is the last time.
**[19:33] Oso**
Sure!
**[19:34] Jyushi**
Also, don't tell me to go
harder anymore. It's scary.
**[19:37] Oso**
You got it!
**[19:38] Jyushi**
Also, no dying.
**[19:40] Oso**
Got it.
**[19:42] Jyushi**
Okay, just one more time.
**[19:45] Jyushi**
Here I go.
**[19:45] Oso**
Thanks!
**[19:48] Oso**
Go harder!
**[19:51] Oso**
Harder!
**[19:53] Oso**
Harder!
**[19:56] Oso**
Holy shit! What is this?!
**[19:58] Oso**
I've never felt this before!
It's totally new!
**[19:59] Jyushi**
I'm scared! I wanna stop!
**[20:02] Oso**
Jyushimatsu!
**[20:03] Jyushi**
Osomatsu-niisan!
**[20:05] Oso**
Jyushimatsu!
**[20:06] Jyushi**
Osomatsu-niisan?
**[20:08] Oso**
Jyushimatsu!
**[20:09] Jyushi**
Osomatsu-niisan!
**[20:16] Jyushi**
Huh?
**[20:18] Jyushi**
Osomatsu-niisan?
**[20:21] Jyushi**
Osomatsu-niisan?
**[20:26] Jyushi**
There you go again!
Come on, Osomatsu-niisan.
**[20:29] Jyushi**
Osomatsu-niisan, stop messing
around and wake up.
**[20:32] Jyushi**
Osomatsu-niisan!
**[20:36] Jyushi**
Huh? Wait, Osomatsu-niisan?
**[20:40] Jyushi**
Osomatsu-niisan!
**[20:41] Jyushi**
Hey! Wake up!
**[20:43] Choro**
Keep it down, Jyushimatsu!
**[20:46] Choro**
What are you screaming about?
**[20:49] Choro**
What's wrong?
**[20:57] Choro**
Just keep the noise down, okay?
**[21:07] Jyushi**
What am I going to do?
What am I going to do?!
**[21:12] Oso**
Gotcha!
**[21:15] Oso**
Did I scare you, Jyushimatsu?
**[21:19] Oso**
What's with that face? You're such an idiot!
**[21:22] Oso**
I wouldn't die from a massage!
It was just an act!
**[21:30] Jyushi**
That's enough!
**[21:39] Choro**
What's the matter, Jyushimatsu?
Why are you so angry?
**[21:43] Choro**
What?!
**[21:45] Choro**
Wh-What happened in here?
**[21:50] Choro**
Th-That's...
**[21:53] Choro**
Osomatsu-niisan...
**[21:55] Choro**
has been murdered.
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[23:29] Choro**
I'm Matsuno Choromatsu.
**[23:31] Choro**
The next episode of *Mr. Osomatsu*
**[23:32] Choro**
will be a tidbits collection
filled with little stories.
**[23:36] Choro**
Whenever you just happen to have
a happy accident in your daily life,
**[23:39] Choro**
please think of me, Matsuno Choromatsu.
**[23:43] Choro**
I'll come see you.
**[23:44] Choro**
What do I mean by a happy accident?
**[23:46] Choro**
Huh? Why are you asking
me something so lewd?!
***SIGN*** "Tidbits Collection 3"
**[23:50] Choro**
Are you a pervert?
**[23:52] Choro**
Come on, now!