E6 - Touter / Optimization / Massage
Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN Gonpachi
[00:07] Oso
Thanks for the grub.
SIGN "Touter"
[00:12] Kara
Should we just head back
to the hotel tonight?
[00:15] Oso
Yeah... We've got a meeting tomorrow.
SIGN Free Guide
SIGN Trustworthy and Safe
[00:20] Iyami
Ah, there you are, Mr. President.
[00:23] Iyami
Me was born into this world to serve you!
[00:27] Iyami
Me has been waiting for you
in this cold for so long!
[00:30] Iyami
Me is so happy to have finally found you!
[00:34] Iyami
Are you gentlemen from Tokyo?
[00:36] Iyami
You're not, are ya?
[00:38] Iyami
You must be on a business trip!
[00:40] Iyami
You need to have a night on
the town in the big city, then!
[00:45] Iyami
Our place is super cheap!
[00:48] Iyami
It's just a whopping 3,000 yen! Sheeeh!
[00:53] Iyami
It's just a whopping 2,000 yen! Sheeeh!
[00:57] Iyami
A whopping 1,000 yen! Sheeeh!
[01:03] Iyami
Everyone at our place is super cute!
And they're not wearing any clothes!
[01:08] Iyami
Sh-Sh... Sheeeh!
[01:12] Oso
Huh? They're not wearing clothes?
[01:15] Both
For real?!
[01:16] Kara
Is that even allowed?
[01:19] Iyami
Me can't say this very loudly...
[01:23] Iyami
but they're only wearing underpants.
[01:24] Both
What?!
[01:25] Oso
Just underpants?!
[01:26] Iyami
Shh!
[01:26] Kara
Oh, man...
[01:28] Iyami
Their boobies are completely exposed.
[01:29] Oso
Completely exposed?!
So we can get an eyeful?
[01:31] Oso
So... what kind of underpants
are they wearing?
[01:33] Iyami
They have light blue and green stripes.
[01:35] Kara
That's super cute! What do they look like?
[01:38] Iyami
Plump and juicy.
[01:39] Kara
Nice!
[01:40] Iyami
They're charming and have soft, fair skin.
[01:43] Kara
Nice!
[01:44] Iyami
They also speak this cutesy dialect.
[01:47] Oso
Ooh, I love when they speak in dialects!
[01:49] Kara
Me, too!
[01:52] Oso
You're not lying about any of this, are you?
[01:55] Iyami
Me would never lie!
[01:57] Kara
Are you sure?
[01:58] Iyami
Me has said nothing but the truth.
[02:01] Kara
What are the other ones like?
[02:03] Iyami
We actually have a master
technician in today.
[02:07] Both
Technician?
[02:08] Kara
What do you mean?
[02:09] Iyami
They are known as... the Vacuum Demon!
[02:12] Both
Vacuum?!
[02:13] Oso
Uh, is that okay?!
What kind of place is this?!
[02:15] Iyami
They suck so hard,
they can suck anything down.
[02:17] Both
Oh, shit!
[02:18] Iyami
Their ability to suck is otherworldly.
[02:21] Kara
That's a bit scary.
[02:23] Iyami
You could say their mouth was made for that.
[02:25] Oso
Their mouth was made for that?
Wait, what are you saying?
[02:27] Iyami
You're curious, aren't you?
You should experience it at least once.
[02:32] Iyami
Two other treasures we have today...
[02:34] Oso
There's more?!
[02:38] Iyami
Legal lolis.
[02:39] Both
Say what?!
[02:40] Iyami
They look like children, but they're
definitely over twenty, so no worries.
[02:45] Iyami
One of them doesn't have any hair at all!
[02:48] Kara
No hair?!
[02:49] Iyami
Silky smooth.
[02:50] Kara
Silky smooth?!
[02:51] Iyami
You wanna see, don't you?
[02:52] Kara
You bet I do!
[02:53] Iyami
The other one's got a flag rammed in.
[02:56] Both
A flag?!
[02:57] Oso
Why a flag?! What's it even for?!
[02:59] Kara
Is it a fashion statement,
or does it just feel good?
[03:01] Iyami
That flag's basically rammed in 24/7.
[03:05] Oso
It's rammed in 24/7?!
[03:07] Oso
Doesn't it get in the way?
Doesn't it hit anything?
[03:09] Kara
No idea, but I sure wanna see!
[03:11] Iyami
Well, wanna have a go at our place?
[03:15] Both
Yeah!
[03:16] Iyami
Then that'll be...
[03:18] Iyami
20,000 yen apiece.
[03:19] Both
Huh?
[03:20] Iyami
There are two of you,
so that'll be 40,000 yen.
[03:26] Oso
Hey, wait!
[03:27] Kara
We'll pay! Please!
[03:29] Iyami
Thanks for your payment!
[03:32] Iyami
We've got two coming in!
[03:34] Both
Yay!
[03:36] Dekapan
Hoeh, I'll show you a good time.
[03:39] Dayon
I'll suck you dry!
[03:41] Chibi
Silky smooth, buddy!
[03:42] Hata
I've got a flag, jo.
[03:47] Iyami
You folks should also be careful
at night in the big city! Sheeeh!
SIGN End
SIGN "Optimization"
[05:40] Both
Choromatsu-san.
[05:43] Choro
Hey, thanks!
[05:45] Salmon
Are you happy?
[05:47] Choro
Huh?
[05:48] Ume
Are you satisfied?
[05:51] Choro
Yeah, you're a big help.
[05:56] Choro
Wow! You're going all-out!
[06:08] Todo
Man, this is rough. And a bit embarrassing.
[06:13] Plum
Here you go.
[06:15] Todo
Thanks.
[06:17] Kara
Ah, Brothers, you're here.
[06:20] Kara
I love you, as always.
[06:25] Kara
Ah!
[06:32] Kara
No need to get too exci—
[06:55] Kara
These adorable jerks.
[06:56] Choro
Yeah, they're so brilliant.
[06:58] Jyushi
So much fun!
[06:59] Choro
They're so efficient.
They're not wasteful at all.
[07:01] Todo
They sure are convenient machines.
[07:03] Jyushi
He said it again!
[07:05] Jyushi
Totty, you probably
shouldn't call them that.
[07:08] Todo
What do you mean? Oh, I know.
How about convenient tools?
[07:11] Todo
Or possibly hunks of junk that
think and move around a lot?
[07:13] Jyushi
Okay, never mind.
[07:16] Both
All done!
[07:20] Kara
This is great!
[07:21] Jyushi
Yum!
[07:22] Choro
It's so good!
[07:23] Todo
No complaints here!
SIGN How to Make Delicious Yakisoba
SIGN Ingredients
120g thin-sliced bacon 2 packs yakisoba noodles
1/4 onion Yakisoba sauce to taste
2-3 cabbage leaves Aonori and pickled ginger to taste
1/2 bag bean sprouts
SIGN Cut the onion, cabbage, and bacon into bite-size pieces.
SIGN Rinse the noodles and pat
them dry with a paper towel.
[07:25] Salmon
We've optimized the balance of
nutrition, seasoning, and appearance
SIGN Heat 1 tbsp. oil in a frying pan
and fry the noodles until golden.
SIGN Clean the frying pan, then add
the bacon and stir-fry.
SIGN Move the meat and veggies to
one side and add the noodles
back into the frying pan.
SIGN Mix sauce in with the meat
and veggies while separating
and cutting up the noodles.
SIGN Transfer to a plate, add aonori
and pickled ginger, and enjoy!
SIGN Breakdown of Balanced Nutrition Data (According to Riceball Research)
[07:29] Salmon
using the available ingredients.
[07:32] Plum
This is the yakisoba that
most people currently crave.
[07:35] Four
Huh...
[07:37] Salmon
Are you happy?
[07:38] Four
Yup.
[07:39] Choro
It's perfect! It's delicious. Thanks.
[07:50] Oso
Huh?! You're eating yakisoba? Why?!
[07:52] Oso
Hey, you two! Where's mine?
[07:55] Oso
Why are you ignoring me?!
[07:58] Jyushi
Guess you're just not into the
Riceballs yet, Osomatsu-niisan.
[08:01] Choro
Get with the program, dude.
[08:03] Oso
Why do I have to be into them?
[08:06] Oso
I'm the eldest brother here.
Y'all need to worship me.
[08:09] Oso
So, where's my yakisoba?
[08:12] Salmon
We've used up all of the ingredients,
so we can't make any more.
[08:15] Plum
No more.
[08:16] Oso
Show me some VR porn, then.
[08:19] Oso
Come on! VR porn! VR porn!
[08:21] Kara
Hey, come on.
[08:21] Oso
VR porn! VR porn! VR porn!
[08:23] Todo
They're gonna break.
[08:24] Salmon
Osomatsu is the shittiest brother.
[08:25] Plum
Osomatsu is the shittiest brother.
[08:27] Both
Shittiest brother, shittiest brother,
shittiest brother, shit.
[08:30] Oso
Hey, who taught them that?
[08:32] Oso
Wow, all of you? Really?
[09:15] Toto
Gah!
[09:38] Ichi
Mrow, mrow.
[09:41] Ichi
Mrow.
[10:19] Salmon
We need him to be happy.
[10:21] Plum
We need him to be satisfied.
[10:28] Todo
Huh? Those machines aren't here yet?
[10:31] Choro
No, they aren't here yet.
[10:33] Todo
Man, I was going to have
them brush my teeth for me.
[10:36] Choro
You're making them do that, too?!
[10:38] Choro
Who died and made you king?
[10:40] Todo
Aw, I prefer to be called a prince, personally.
[10:43] Choro
Shut up.
[10:44] Jyushi
I think the Riceballs will be here soon.
[10:46] Todo
Yeah.
[10:55] Mom
So I was wondering, where do
those two even come from?
[11:00] Both
Dunno.
[11:17] Both
Hello!
[11:20] Ichi
Wh-What?
[11:23] Ichi
Cat expectation values?
[11:25] Both
Yes.
SIGN Cat Expectation Values
[11:26] Both
Cat expectation values.
[11:29] Salmon
We AIs are filled with endless data.
SIGN Cat Expectation Values
[11:33] Salmon
We used that data to determine
SIGN Cat Distribution Diagram
[11:34] Salmon
the values of likely places cats
might be in this neighborhood
[11:37] Salmon
and came up with expectation values.
[11:39] Plum
The higher the value, the higher
the chance of running into a cat.
[11:43] Ichi
How can you even do that?
[11:45] Salmon
We are unsure,
SIGN Cat Distribution Diagram
[11:47] Salmon
but the results are definite.
[11:53] Ichi
Oh, I see.
[11:56] Salmon
You like cats, don't you?
[11:59] Ichi
Huh?
[12:00] Plum
That's what Jyushimatsu-san said.
[12:03] Ichi
I-I don't like them that much...
[12:06] Salmon
You're not very honest
with yourself, are you?
[12:08] Ichi
What?
[12:09] Plum
That's what Jyushimatsu-san said.
[12:12] Ichi
That bastard needs to keep his mouth shut.
[12:14] Ichi
I'm gonna beat the shit out
of him when I get home.
[12:16] Both
Ichimatsu-san.
[12:18] Salmon
Come along with us...
[12:20] Plum
...as we use the cat expectation values...
[12:21] Salmon
...to find some cats. Let's go!
[12:26] Ichi
No, that's okay.
[12:27] Both
Huh?
[12:28] Ichi
I'm not really looking for cats.
I'm not even interested.
[12:35] Salmon
Are you sure?
[12:36] Ichi
I'm sure.
[12:37] Plum
Are you being honest?
[12:38] Ichi
Yup.
[12:40] Twins
I see. Well, then, goodbye.
[12:46] Ichi
Say...
[12:49] Ichi
Can you really find cats? Like, will we
be able to find some immediately?
SIGN Cat Expectation Values
[12:55] Salmon
Would you like to use the
cat expectation values?
[12:57] Ichi
No...
[12:59] Plum
Don't you want to see any cats?
[13:00] Ichi
Not at all.
[13:02] Twins
Goodbye.
[13:04] Ichi
Um...
[13:06] Ichi
You see, I have a lot of time on my hands,
being a NEET and such. Yes.
[13:11] Ichi
So if you absolutely insist I go with you,
I guess I wouldn't mind.
[13:16] Ichi
Yes, yes, yes.
SIGN Sutabaa Coffee
[13:22] Twins
We found one.
[13:24] Ichi
Seriously? There actually is one! H-Huh?
[13:26] Ichi
But how?
[13:27] Ichi
They don't usually come here.
[13:29] Plum
They do at this time.
[13:31] Ichi
But why?
[13:32] Plum
We are unsure.
[13:34] Plum
That's just what the cat
expectation values tell us.
[13:58] Both
Are you happy?
[14:02] Ichi
Uh, yeah.
[14:04] Plum
Are you satisfied?
[14:06] Ichi
Yes.
[14:08] Both
Hooray. Hooray. Hooray.
[14:11] Both
Hooray!
SIGN Address Cat Expectation Values Honmachi 2-3-5 95 Honmachi 3-6-12 81 Higashimachi 1-1-11 91 Higashimachi 2-9-8 77 Minamimachi 3-8-42 75
SIGN Address Cat Expectation Values
Honmachi 2-3-5 95
Honmachi 3-6-12 81
Higashimachi 1-1-11 91
Higashimachi 2-9-8 77
Minamimachi 3-8-42 75
Minamimachi 4-5-4 66
SIGN Kitamachi 1-21-8 68 Kitamachi 3-5-17 75 Nakamachi 2-14-5 92 Nakamachi 4-23-16 84 Kamimachi 2-5-13 79
[15:27] Salmon
Ichimatsu-san, let's go this way next.
[15:30] Ume
This way.
[15:31] Twins
We're so glad you're happy.
[15:33] Plum
So glad.
[15:34] Salmon
Now you don't need to waste
time looking for cats.
[15:38] Salmon
Time saved.
[15:40] Plum
Optimization!
[15:44] Ichi
Hey...
[15:46] Ichi
Sorry. I'm done.
[15:51] Ichi
You can have this back.
[15:55] Ichi
Thanks, but I don't need it anymore.
[15:58] Ichi
I'll find them on my own from now on.
[16:04] Salmon
I wonder why.
[16:06] Plum
I wonder why.
[16:13] Salmon
Maybe he doesn't like cats.
[16:16] Plum
Maybe he doesn't like us.
[16:20] Both
I don't know.
[16:28] Oso
Oh, there you are.
SIGN "Massage"
[16:30] Oso
You free? Could you give me a massage?
[16:33] Jyushi
A massage? Sure.
[16:35] Oso
Thanks!
[16:38] Oso
All right, have at it.
[16:39] Jyushi
Here I go!
[16:41] Oso
Sure.
[16:48] Oso
That feels great.
[16:50] Oso
You're good at this, Jyushimatsu.
[16:51] Oso
You're pretty strong.
[16:54] Oso
You can dig in a bit more. I'm fine.
[16:57] Jyushi
You sure? Like this?
[17:00] Oso
Yeah, just like that! That feels so good!
[17:06] Oso
Can you do it even harder?
[17:07] Jyushi
Harder?
[17:14] Jyushi
Wait, doesn't that hurt?
I'm really digging in there.
[17:18] Oso
Nope, totally fine... Harder... Harder!
[17:24] Oso
Yes! Harder!
[17:26] Oso
Whoa, what the hell?!
[17:28] Jyushi
Wait, doesn't that hurt?
[17:29] Oso
It doesn't! Harder!
[17:35] Oso
Yes!
[17:37] Oso
It hurts!
[17:39] Jyushi
Wait, it hurts?
[17:40] Oso
It doesn't hurt!
[17:41] Jyushi
You clearly just said it hurt.
[17:43] Oso
I'm fine! It feels amazing!
[17:48] Oso
More!
[17:51] Oso
Jyushimatsu, stop!
[17:53] Jyushi
Should I stop?
[17:54] Oso
No!
[17:54] Jyushi
Which is it?
[17:55] Oso
Keep going! It feels so good!
[17:57] Jyushi
Are you sure? I'm actually
scared to go any harder.
[18:01] Oso
I'm fine! Go harder! Please!
[18:08] Jyushi
I'm scared. I'm really scared.
[18:11] Jyushi
I'm so scared!
[18:14] Jyushi
I'm so scared!
[18:16] Jyushi
I wanna stop!
[18:26] Jyushi
Huh?
[18:29] Jyushi
Osomatsu-niisan?
[18:34] Jyushi
Osomatsu-niisan!
[18:38] Jyushi
H-Huh? Huh?
[18:41] Jyushi
What?!
[18:45] Oso
Man, that felt great!
[18:48] Oso
Thanks, Jyushimatsu!
[18:50] Jyushi
That was dangerous!
[18:52] Jyushi
That was really dangerous, Osomatsu-niisan!
[18:54] Oso
That felt amazing. Thanks, Jyushimatsu.
[18:56] Jyushi
You're very welcome!
[18:58] Oso
Do it one more time.
[18:59] Jyushi
No way!
[19:00] Jyushi
Absolutely not!
[19:01] Oso
Why not?
[19:02] Jyushi
I thought you were dead!
That was a really close call!
[19:06] Oso
What are you talking about?
No one dies from massages.
[19:10] Jyushi
You're right, they don't.
But you almost did!
[19:13] Oso
All right, let's continue.
[19:15] Jyushi
No way!
[19:16] Oso
Hurry up.
[19:17] Jysuhi
Not happening.
[19:18] Oso
Why not?
[19:19] Jyushi
I don't want to kill you, Osomatsu-niisan.
[19:22] Oso
Just one more time. Please.
[19:26] Oso
Hurry!
[19:31] Jyushi
This is the last time.
[19:33] Oso
Sure!
[19:34] Jyushi
Also, don't tell me to go
harder anymore. It's scary.
[19:37] Oso
You got it!
[19:38] Jyushi
Also, no dying.
[19:40] Oso
Got it.
[19:42] Jyushi
Okay, just one more time.
[19:45] Jyushi
Here I go.
[19:45] Oso
Thanks!
[19:48] Oso
Go harder!
[19:51] Oso
Harder!
[19:53] Oso
Harder!
[19:56] Oso
Holy shit! What is this?!
[19:58] Oso
I've never felt this before!
It's totally new!
[19:59] Jyushi
I'm scared! I wanna stop!
[20:02] Oso
Jyushimatsu!
[20:03] Jyushi
Osomatsu-niisan!
[20:05] Oso
Jyushimatsu!
[20:06] Jyushi
Osomatsu-niisan?
[20:08] Oso
Jyushimatsu!
[20:09] Jyushi
Osomatsu-niisan!
[20:16] Jyushi
Huh?
[20:18] Jyushi
Osomatsu-niisan?
[20:21] Jyushi
Osomatsu-niisan?
[20:26] Jyushi
There you go again!
Come on, Osomatsu-niisan.
[20:29] Jyushi
Osomatsu-niisan, stop messing
around and wake up.
[20:32] Jyushi
Osomatsu-niisan!
[20:36] Jyushi
Huh? Wait, Osomatsu-niisan?
[20:40] Jyushi
Osomatsu-niisan!
[20:41] Jyushi
Hey! Wake up!
[20:43] Choro
Keep it down, Jyushimatsu!
[20:46] Choro
What are you screaming about?
[20:49] Choro
What's wrong?
[20:57] Choro
Just keep the noise down, okay?
[21:07] Jyushi
What am I going to do?
What am I going to do?!
[21:12] Oso
Gotcha!
[21:15] Oso
Did I scare you, Jyushimatsu?
[21:19] Oso
What's with that face? You're such an idiot!
[21:22] Oso
I wouldn't die from a massage!
It was just an act!
[21:30] Jyushi
That's enough!
[21:39] Choro
What's the matter, Jyushimatsu?
Why are you so angry?
[21:43] Choro
What?!
[21:45] Choro
Wh-What happened in here?
[21:50] Choro
Th-That's...
[21:53] Choro
Osomatsu-niisan...
[21:55] Choro
has been murdered.
SIGN End
SIGN Next time on
SIGN Mr. Osomatsu
[23:29] Choro
I'm Matsuno Choromatsu.
[23:31] Choro
The next episode of Mr. Osomatsu
[23:32] Choro
will be a tidbits collection
filled with little stories.
[23:36] Choro
Whenever you just happen to have
a happy accident in your daily life,
[23:39] Choro
please think of me, Matsuno Choromatsu.
[23:43] Choro
I'll come see you.
[23:44] Choro
What do I mean by a happy accident?
[23:46] Choro
Huh? Why are you asking
me something so lewd?!
SIGN "Tidbits Collection 3"
[23:50] Choro
Are you a pervert?
[23:52] Choro
Come on, now!