E3 - Totoko's Challenge

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Cavematsu-san
[00:08] All
    Cavematsu-san!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Choromatsu and Ichimatsu"
[05:00] Kara
    I'm gonna die.
[05:02] ---
    So gonna die.
[05:04] Jyu
    So hungry...
[05:06] Todo
    Hungry...
[05:07] Oso
    I'm starving. Someone make me some food.
[05:11] Kara
    Looks like this is the end of the line.
[05:14] Kara
    Goodbye, Karamatsu Girls.
[05:17] Choro
    Shut up!
[05:20] Choro
    This household is seriously
    the lowest of the low.
[05:24] Todo
    Hey, Choromatsu-niisan, I'm hungry.
[05:27] Choro
    Then go make something.
[05:29] Kara
    Where's Mommy?
[05:30] Choro
    Probably out somewhere.
[05:32] Jyushi
    Aw, but I'm hungry.
[05:34] Oso
    Oh, hey. I've got a great idea.
[05:36] Both
    Huh?
[05:38] Oso
    Why don't we go play some pachinko instead?
[05:41] ---
    Oh, I get it. Instead!
[05:43] Kara
    Pachinko instead, huh?
[05:45] Oso
    Isn't that more awesome instead?
[05:46] Jyushi
    It is awesome instead.
[05:48] Jyushi
    Huh?
[05:50] Jyu
    What about you, Ichimatsu-niisan?
[05:51] Ichi
    Not going.
[05:52] Jyu
    Why?
[05:53] Ichi
    I'll pass for today. Besides,
    if I go, you're going to lose.
[05:57] Ichi
    You want that?
[05:57] Jyu
    Keep an eye on the house.
[06:00] Choro
    Honestly...
[06:08] Choro
    Wait, is Ichimatsu the only one left?
[06:10] Ichi
    I'm stuck with him? Seriously?
[06:13] Choro
    I let my guard down. This is a rare
    pairing that never really happens.
[06:18] Ichi
    I don't know what to say.
    I don't hate him or anything, but like...
[06:24] Ichi
    It's just super awkward.
[06:26] Choro
    This is like that one pattern...
[06:30] Choro
    When we're all together, we can joke
    around about the dumbest things.
[06:37] Choro
    And then suddenly... It's just me and him?
[06:41] Choro
    It's fine when we're all together,
    but when it's just us two, it's a bit weird.
[06:43] Choro
    I don't know what to say.
    What is there to say?
[06:45] Choro
    What do we have in common?
[06:46] Choro
    How many stations are left?
    And stuff like that...
[06:49] Choro
    That's the situation we're in now...
[06:51] Ichi
    Since we're brothers...
    No, it's the opposite.
[06:54] Ichi
    It's because we're brothers
    that it stands out so much...
[06:56] Ichi
    This...
[06:57] Choro
    ...awkward feeling.
SIGN    Glare
SIGN    Stare
[07:17] Both
    It's no use... I can't think of anything to say.
[07:22] Choro
    And everyone was so rowdy
    just a minute ago...
[07:24] Ichi
    Everything was so peaceful,
[07:26] Ichi
    but this awkwardness just
    sets in out of nowhere.
[07:29] Choro
    I wonder how he feels...
[07:32] Ichi
    Hey.
[07:34] Ichi
    Mind if I turn on the TV?
[07:36] Choro
    Huh? Oh, uh, yeah, sure.
[07:40] Choro
    You can turn on the TV.
[07:42] Ichi
    Thanks.
[07:46] Choro
    He's actually being considerate!
[07:48] Choro
    He actually asked if it was
    okay to turn on the TV!
[07:51] Choro
    Do people usually even ask that?!
[07:54] Ichi
    Crap. Why did I ask him if it
    was okay to turn on the TV?
[07:59] Ichi
    You don't ask friends that,
    let alone brothers.
[08:03] Ichi
    Wait, I don't have any friends.
[08:05] Ichi
    I'm just a loner who's always by himself...
[08:07] Ichi
    Who are you calling a loner?! Shut up!
[08:09] Ichi
    No... Talking to myself won't help.
[08:12] Ichi
    I need to talk to him right now.
[08:14] Choro
    Hey.
[08:15] Ichi
    Huh?
[08:15] Choro
    How are things lately?
[08:17] Ichi
    Huh? Lately?
[08:19] Choro
    Yeah, lately.
[08:21] Ichi
    What do you mean?
[08:22] Choro
    What do you mean, what do I mean?
[08:24] Ichi
    Huh?
[08:24] Choro
    Huh?
[08:26] Ichi
    Hmm?
[08:27] Choro
    Huh?
[08:29] Both
    Huh?
[08:33] Ichi
    Hey.
[08:34] Choro
    Huh?
[08:35] Ichi
    So, today... is a really nice day, huh?
[08:38] Choro
    Oh... yeah...
SIGN    Low
SIGN    High
[08:40] Ichi
    I wonder if it'll be sunny tomorrow, too.
[08:42] Choro
    Not sure...
[08:44] Ichi
    What about the day after?
SIGN    Tomorrow
[08:45] Choro
    Not sure...
[08:47] Ichi
    The weather is like... so... weathery.
[08:52] Choro
    Yeah.
[08:57] Ichi
    It's no use. This whole
    conversation's messed up.
[08:59] Ichi
    I've reached my limit.
    I'm going to retreat upstairs.
SIGN    Manga
[09:16] Ichi
    What the hell is this?!
    I said I was at my limit already!
[09:19] Choro
    Someone, anyone, come home already!
[09:21] Choro
    A joke... Someone say some stupid-ass joke!
[09:25] Choro
    Change the flow of things! The flow!
[09:30] Choro
    I'm sorry, Ichimatsu.
    I can't even retort right now.
[09:33] Choro
    I'm so sorry.
[09:35] Ichi
    Look... I think that's enough.
[09:37] Choro
    Huh?
[09:38] Ichi
    I'm just gonna come out and say it.
    This is really awkward, right?
[09:42] Choro
    Yeah, it's really awkward.
[09:44] Ichi
    It's creepy, right?
[09:45] Choro
    It is.
[09:46] Ichi
    Let's stop this.
[09:47] Choro
    Yeah, let's stop.
[09:51] Both
    So exhausted...
[09:53] Ichi
    Why does it end up like this?
     We're brothers.
[09:56] Choro
    No idea. We might've turned a blind
    eye to each other for too long.
[10:01] Choro
    Hey, why don't we try
    distancing ourselves a bit?
[10:04] Ichi
    Distancing?
[10:05] Choro
    Yeah. Like, put physical distance between us.
[10:08] Ichi
    I see.
[10:12] Choro
    Can you try talking like you usually
    do from there? And be honest.
[10:16] Ichi
    Be honest?
[10:19] Ichi
    Hey, you, Fappymatsu!
    You fapping piece of shit!
[10:22] Ichi
    Stop chasing all that underground
    idol tail, you virgin among virgins!
[10:25] Ichi
    Ooh... I can be honest at this distance.
[10:28] Choro
    Hey, you, Darkmatsu! Stop being
    so insane, you reserve criminal!
[10:31] Choro
    And despite that, your heart is fragile
    as glass! Just how annoying are you?!
[10:35] Choro
    Oh, I can be honest.
[10:37] Ichi
    All right. Let's try moving closer.
[10:39] Choro
    Okay.
[10:44] Choro
    Well, this is a bit uncomfortable.
[10:46] Ichi
    Indeed.
[10:47] Choro
    Actually, I'm sorry for saying
    that mean stuff before.
[10:50] Ichi
    No, no. I'm sorry.
[10:52] Ichi
    Please forget everything I just said.
[10:57] Choro
    Wait, do you hate me?
[10:58] Ichi
    Huh?
[11:00] Choro
    Do you hate me?
[11:02] Ichi
    You don't mince words, huh?
[11:03] Choro
    Yeah, let's just be straightforward.
    Do you hate me?
[11:06] Ichi
    Hate? Nah...
[11:08] Choro
    You hesitated, didn't you? I was slightly
    hoping you'd deny that instantly...
[11:13] Ichi
    It's not that I hate you.
    I mean, we're brothers.
[11:16] Ichi
    I cannot say I have such feelings.
[11:18] Choro
    And now you're talking overly formally.
[11:20] Ichi
    Maybe I'm scared.
[11:21] Choro
    Scared? Why?
[11:23] Ichi
    Because you actually try to be proper.
[11:25] Ichi
    You actually go job hunting
    and get angry at us.
[11:28] Ichi
    Even if you aren't completely proper,
    the fact that you actually try to be proper?
[11:32] Ichi
    Seeing that makes me feel
[11:33] Ichi
    like I'm a completely different species.
[11:36] Choro
    What? That's not true.
[11:38] Choro
    I'm also a good-for-nothing.
[11:39] Ichi
    Nah...
[11:41] Choro
    See? I'm not scary!
[11:43] Ichi
    Nah, nah, nah...
[11:43] Choro
    We're brothers, so let's just get along!
[11:46] Ichi
    Scary! How can you say stuff
    like that so naturally?!
[11:50] Ichi
    And what was that book you
    were reading earlier?
[11:52] Choro
    Oh, this? A book on how
    to get various qualifications.
SIGN    Qualifications
[11:55] Ichi
    Whoa, scary! Qualifications?!
[11:58] Ichi
    You're just some serious person!
[11:59] Ichi
    Serious people are scary!
[12:01] Choro
    Well, if you're going to be like that,
    you scare me, too.
[12:04] Ichi
    Huh? Why?
[12:06] Choro
    The way you're, like... super dark?
    Your aura of everlasting darkness?
[12:09] Choro
    You live every day loathing all
    happiness in this world, don't you?
[12:12] Ichi
    Yeah.
[12:12] Choro
    You don't even have anyone to swear revenge on,
[12:14] Choro
    but you live for revenge, don't you?
[12:16] Ichi
    Yeah.
[12:17] Choro
    What's your favorite phrase?
[12:19] Ichi
    I'll kill you all.
[12:20] Choro
    What do you want to be?
[12:21] Ichi
    A prison guard.
[12:22] Choro
    You know that's scary, right?
[12:24] Ichi
    You've got me all wrong. I'm pretty normal.
[12:26] Choro
    Nah...
[12:28] Ichi
    Come on. I'm not scary at all...
[12:30] Choro
    No, no, no, no...
[12:31] Choro
    See? That right there!
[12:33] Ichi
    Let's work together
[12:34] Ichi
    and kill those bastards someday.
[12:37] Choro
    That's scary! Who are "those bastards," exactly?
[12:40] Choro
    I can't shake the feeling that it
    includes me, and it's scary as hell!
[12:46] Choro
    What should we do?
[12:48] Ichi
    I don't know...
[12:49] Choro
    But you're mistaken about one thing.
[12:51] Choro
    To be honest, I don't care
    at all about qualifications.
[12:54] Ichi
    Huh?
[12:55] Choro
    Truthfully, I want to become
    a manager for an idol.
[12:59] Choro
    I want to get as close to them as I can,
[13:02] Choro
    and then somehow get them to go out with me.
[13:04] Ichi
    You really are a shitty
    virgin bastard, huh?
[13:06] Choro
    Yeah, I am. Do you feel better now?
[13:08] Ichi
    I do.
[13:10] Ichi
    Actually...
[13:11] Ichi
    I have something like the thing I showed you
    earlier, but it's really a Halloween prop.
[13:16] Choro
    Huh?
[13:17] Ichi
    I wouldn't be able to go
    to Shibuya or anything,
[13:19] Ichi
    but I thought about doing
    something at home.
[13:21] Choro
    You're actually interested in Halloween?
    You're a totally normal young person.
[13:26] Ichi
    I'm a domestic party peep.
[13:28] Choro
    What kind of cheesy-ass title is that?
[13:30] Ichi
    Do you feel better now?
[13:31] Choro
    Yeah.
[13:33] Choro
    Oh, and actually...
[13:34] Choro
    I want an idol to write "I love you"
    in ketchup on omelet rice for me.
[13:38] Ichi
    I want to have fun with those things you
    call "friends" on that thing you call "Insta."
[13:42] Choro
    I'm not even interested in their music.
[13:44] Choro
    I just ogle them.
[13:45] Ichi
    I want to have a fateful
    encounter while snowboarding.
[13:47] Choro
    I'm a nice guy.
[13:49] Ichi
    I'm an even nicer guy.
[13:50] Choro
    You're too much.
[13:51] Ichi
    You, too.
[14:02] Choro
    I think we were a bit too honest.
[14:04] Ichi
    We should've held back.
[14:07] Choro
    What do you want to do?
    Wanna go out drinking once?
[14:09] Ichi
    Just the two of us?
[14:11] Choro
    Yeah.
[14:14] Both
    Nope, nope, nope, nope!
[14:15] Ichi
    It's too soon for that.
[14:17] Choro
    And with just the two of us...
[14:19] Ichi
    We only just met today.
[14:21] Choro
    Yeah, it's our first day...
[14:23] Ichi
    Do you want to go for a walk, then?
[14:26] Choro
    Huh?
[14:27] Both
    Nope, nope, nope, nope!
[14:29] Choro
    Why don't we play some cards?
[14:31] Ichi
    Want to watch a DVD?
[14:34] Both
    Nope, nope, nope, nope!
[14:37] Ichi
    What should we do?
    I'm only interested in cats...
[14:41] Choro
    Cats! Oh, so you like cats.
[14:43] Ichi
    Yes.
[14:44] Choro
    The idol I like is going for a "cat" image, too.
[14:48] Ichi
    I see... Looks like we
    have something in common.
[14:50] Choro
    Yes.
[14:52] Choro
    Why don't we go to a concert
    together sometime?
[14:54] Ichi
    No, that's okay. Would you like to
    play with some cats in an alleyway?
[14:59] Choro
    No, that's okay.
[15:01] Ichi
    We don't have anything in common at all.
[15:03] Choro
    And we're brothers, too... We're going to
    be spending quite a long time together...
[15:08] Ichi
    This is going to be hell for both of us.
[15:15] Oso
    We're back.
[15:16] Oso
    We gave it some thought and
    realized we had no money.
[15:18] Both
    Welcome home!
[15:20] Oso
    Huh? Wh-What the heck?
[15:22] Both
    Welcome home!
[15:23] Kara
    Hey...
[15:24] Jyushi
    What's wrong?
[15:27] Todo
    What?
[15:28] Both
    Welcome home!
SIGN    End
[15:31] Todo
    Huh? Wow, you're creepy...
SIGN    "Totoko's Challenge"
[15:36] Toto
    Finally... Finally, this day has come.
SIGN    Yowai
[15:40] Toto
    This fight that I can't lose,
    where my pride is on the line...
[15:45] Toto
    Yes.
SIGN    Competitive Eating Queen
[15:46] Toto
    This Competitive Eating Queen Contest!
[15:48] Toto
    It's fine... I should be able to win.
[15:51] Toto
    I mean, I practiced so much
    and said so many prayers!
[15:55] Toto
    It's true that I'm surrounded
    by ugly commoners...
SIGN    Sono
SIGN    Aosaka
SIGN    Judy
[15:58] Toto
    Oh, I said that wrong.
    I meant powerful opponents.
[16:01] Toto
    But I'm the one who's going to win.
[16:02] Toto
    My mom and dad are here
    cheering me on, too.
[16:05] Dad
    Totoko!
[16:07] Mom
    Give it all you've got!
[16:09] Totoko
    And those guys are here, too.
[16:11] Jyushi
    Totoko-chan!
[16:13] Kara
    We've come to cheer you on, honey!
[16:14] Todo
    You can do it!
[16:15] Choro
    You're super cute!
[16:17] Toto
    And, most importantly,
    Shouei-san has my back.
SIGN    Chinese Food
[16:22] Hata
    It's the MC, Shouei-san, jo.
[16:25] Shouei
    Yes, hello, hello!
[16:28] Shouei
    Hello, everyone! I'm Shouei!
[16:36] Shouei
    With the power of love and passion,
    I'll make this the best show in Japan...
SIGN    Shouei
[16:39] Shouei
    no... in the world, with all of you!
[16:42] Shouei
    I'm Shouei!
[16:45] Iyami
    Shoueeeh!
[16:47] Toto
    That's Shouei-san for you...
    He's so passionate.
SIGN    Food
[16:50] Toto
    Okay! Shouei-san's passion can't top mine!
    I'm going to eat everything!
SIGN    Cafeteria
[16:56] Shouei
    Hello, everyone!
[16:59] Todo
    It's really him!
[17:00] Jyushi
    Can I have your autograph?
[17:01] Kara
    Come on, Shouei!
[17:03] Toto
    Ugh! What are you doing, you sextuplets?
[17:05] Toto
    Stop bothering my Shouei-san!
[17:08] Chibi
    Hey, we're about to go live,
    so give us a break, you idjit.
[17:12] Todo
    What?
[17:12] Shouei
    I don't mind signing autographs.
[17:14] Both
    Huh?
[17:14] Chibi
    Shouei-san...
[17:16] Shouei
    The audience is part of the show.
[17:18] Shouei
    To me, they're my precious friends...
[17:20] Shouei
    No, they're my family, who share my blood.
[17:22] Shouei
    That's me... Shouei!
[17:26] Iyami
    Shoueeeh!
[17:27] Toto
    So passionate! So kind!
[17:29] Toto
    He's actually going to sign autographs!
[17:31] Toto
    But the show's about to start.
[17:33] Shou
    Yup, yup, yup. Here you go.
[17:36] Choro
    Thanks!
[17:37] Oso
    Hey, give us one of your belongings, Shouei.
[17:40] Jyushi
    Belongings, please.
[17:41] Ichi
    Like your watch there.
[17:43] Toto
    Who the hell do you think
    you are, you sextuplets?!
[17:46] Chibi
    Hey, that's enough of...
[17:48] Shouei
    It's okay. I'll give them something.
[17:49] Chibi
    Shouei-san...
[17:51] Shouei
    What's mine is everyone's.
[17:52] Shouei
    And for everyone to be happy...
[17:54] Shouei
    That's me... Shouei.
[17:58] Iyami
    Shoueeeh!
[18:00] Toto
    No, wait. You're too nice!
[18:01] Toto
    And the show's about to start!
[18:03] Oso
    You know... We're actually all still NEETs.
[18:06] Shouei
    What? Really?
[18:07] Todo
    We're trying really hard,
    but haven't been able to find jobs.
[18:11] Shouei
    I see...
[18:12] Choro
    Not to mention, we're still virgins.
[18:14] Shouei
    What?!
[18:15] Ichi
    We basically hate life.
[18:17] Shouei
    I see...
[18:18] Toto
    What the hell, you sextuplets?!
    Making yourselves sound so pitiful!
[18:22] Toto
    Don't believe them, Shouei-san!
[18:24] Toto
    They've never tried hard in their lives!
[18:28] Shouei
    I see... You guys must have it rough!
[18:31] Toto
    He's crying! We haven't even started
    eating yet, and he's crying!
[18:34] Shouei
    You're NEETs and virgins...
    But don't give up!
[18:37] Shouei
    I'll be cheering you on!
[18:39] Shouei
    I'm Shouei!
[18:41] All
    Shouei!
[18:42] Chibi
    Um... We'd like to start the show now...
[18:44] Shouei
    Oh, sorry about that.
[18:49] Hata
    All right, let's start rolling, jo.
[18:54] Toto
    I'm going to win, no matter what!
[18:57] Toto
    That title will be mine!
[18:59] Chibi
    All right, here we go. Live in five...
[19:02] Chibi
    four, three, two...
[19:07] Shouei
    Welcome to the Competitive
    Eating Queen Contest 2017!
[19:10] Shouei
    Let's give it our all!
[19:12] Shouei
    Ready...
[19:14] Shouei
    Start!
[19:18] Crowd
    You can do it!
[19:21] Oso
    Whoa! Holy crap, Totoko-chan!
[19:23] Kara
    She's so fast!
[19:26] Toto
    I guess all that practice paid off.
[19:27] Toto
    I'm not so shallow that I
    get lost in my own beauty.
[19:31] Toto
    Right, Shouei-san?
[19:33] Toto
    Huh? He's gone?
[19:35] Kara
    Guys like us will never be able to find jobs...
[19:38] Shouei
    Don't say that!
[19:40] Toto
    You went over there again?!
[19:41] Toto
    But the show's started!
    Shouldn't you be MCing?
[19:43] Jyushi
    We're just going to be virgins forever.
[19:46] Shouei
    Don't give up!
[19:48] Shouei
    Are you guys zeroes?
    Are you absolute zeroes?!
[19:48] Toto
    Huh? Are they arguing?
[19:51] Toto
    Er, wait, no... I need
    to concentrate or I'll lose.
[19:54] Oso
    Shut up, Teruhide! You're too passionate!
[19:57] Shouei
    How dare you speak to me like that?
[19:59] Todo
    More importantly, introduce
    me to Moemoe, Teruhide.
[20:02] Todo
    You're being rude.
[20:03] Choro
    The hell? You picking a fight?!
[20:07] Oso
    What's up, Hide?
[20:08] All
    Come at me, bro!
[20:10] Toto
    Those idiots!
[20:11] Toto
    No! I need to concentrate...
[20:14] Shouei
    All right! Bring it on!
[20:18] Toto
    Shouei-san!
[20:29] shouei
    How'd you like that?!
[20:30] Toto
    Shouei-san's amazing!
[20:32] Toto
    Huh?
[20:35] Shouei
    Ow, ow, ow, ow...
[20:37] Toto
    Are you okay, Shouei-san?
[20:40] Shouei
    Behold!
[20:43] Jyushi
    Hurgh!
[20:46] Jyushi
    Not done yet!
[20:48] Toto
    Hey!
[20:50] Shouei
    You're not bad. How about this, then?
[20:55] Oso
    Huh? What?
[20:57] Choro
    Wh-What the...
[20:58] Jyushi
    I-Is this...
[21:19] Six
    Bless!
[21:20] Toto
    No, no, no...
[21:22] Oso
    Thanks, Shouei-niisan!
[21:25] Shouei
    Don't sweat it. Thanks to you guys, too.
[21:27] Ichi
    Nii-san!
[21:28] Todo
    Nii-san!
[21:30] Toto
    Why?
[21:32] Shouei
    Well? Don't they taste great?
[21:34] Jyushi
    They're great, Shouei-niisan!
[21:36] All
    Yummy!
[21:37] Toto
    Seriously...
[21:40] Shouei
    Who said you could eat those?
[21:41] Oso
    Uh, you told us we could eat them!
[21:43] Shouei
    I'm allowed to since I'm the MC!
[21:45] Todo
    The MC shouldn't be eating them, either!
[21:48] Toto
    Ugh! And I'm about to win, too!
[21:52] Toto
    I can't concentrate!
SIGN    End
[22:02] Shouei
    I'm so happy!
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
[23:34] Choro
    Choromatsu here.
[23:35] Choro
    Man, Shouei-san this week
    was so ripped and hard.
[23:39] Choro
    I'm not sure if I was ripped this week,
[23:41] Choro
    but I sure was hard.
[23:43] Choro
    I want to continue being hard next week,
[23:45] Choro
    and hope I will be for the rest of my life.
[23:48] Choro
    Next week's episode will
    be something like that, too.
[23:50] Choro
    "Matsuzou and Matsuyo." I hope you'll be
    ripped and rock-hard when you tune in!
SIGN    "Matsuzou and Matsuyo" etc.