E3 - Estimated Value

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Eldest Brother
SIGN    Matsuno  Osomatsu
SIGN    A Guy
SIGN    Hijirikawa  Shounosuke
SIGN    Voice  Actor
SIGN    Murakami  Kouji
SIGN    Dimwit Generation
SIGN    Eldest Son
    Matsuno Osomatsu
SIGN    A Guy
    Hijirikawa Shounosuke
SIGN    Voice Actor
    Mukakami Kouji
[01:06] Oso
    Why... How... What...
[01:13] Oso
    I can't!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Estimated Value"
[02:53] Jyushi
    Okay, Riceballs! Here we go!
[02:55] All
    Shuffle!
[03:01] All
    Okay! Who's who?
[03:05] Both
    Ichimatsu-san.
[03:07] Ichi
    Correct.
[03:08] Both
    Jyushimatsu-san.
[03:09] Jyushi
    Righto!
[03:11] Both
    Todomatsu-san.
[03:12] Todo
    You're right!
[03:13] Jyushi
    Holy crap! I guess you've
    got us all down, Riceballs!
[03:18] Older
    We've formed...
[03:19] Younger
    ...an algorithm for facial recognition.
[03:21] Oso
    Hey, do us next!
[03:24] All
    Who's who?
[03:28] Both
    Osomatsu-san.
[03:29] Oso
    You're right.
[03:30] Both
    Karamatsu-san.
[03:31] Kara
    Correct.
[03:32] Both
    Fappymatsu-san.
[03:33] Choro
    Cor— huh? Fappymatsu?!
[03:36] Choro
    Who taught them that name?!
[03:42] Todo
    AI is amazing. They just
    keep learning and growing.
[03:46] Jyushi
    They're geniuses! And they
    don't get tired like we do.
[03:49] Choro
    You're far more efficient than we are.
[03:54] Both
    Thank you very much, Tentei!
[03:56] Choro
    Who the hell taught them that?!
[03:58] Kara
    By the way, why are you Riceballs twins?
[04:01] Older
    It'd be far too big a task to
    support all six of you alone.
[04:05] Kara
    Ah, I see.
SIGN    Akatsuka Bath
[04:09] Jyushi
    This is the public bath
    we go to all the time.
[04:12] Jyushi
    Remember it, okay?
[04:15] Both
    Understood. We've extracted
    its feature values.
SIGN    Welcome
SIGN    Shop
[04:19] Jyushi
    This is the fishing hole where we kill time.
[04:21] Both
    We've extracted its feature values.
[04:24] Jyushi
    This is our battlefield.
[04:26] Jyushi
    It's a do or die here.
[04:27] Both
    We've extracted its feature values.
SIGN    Seaweed Toast
[04:32] Jyushi
    That's a cat that Ichimatsu-niisan likes.
[04:34] Both
    We've extracted its feature values.
[04:36] Jyushi
    Heh. They memorized the cat.
[04:38] Todo
    Hey, would you go buy me a drink?
[04:40] Both
    Sure.
[04:41] Older
    You like carbonated beverages,
    right, Todomatsu-san?
[04:43] Todo
    Bingo!
[04:46] Todo
    Man, they're adorable.
    They do anything you ask them to.
SIGN    Seaweed Toast
[04:49] Todo
    Talk about convenient machines.
[04:50] Jyushi
    Machines?! Totty, you
    call those two machines?
[04:54] Todo
    Huh? Is something weird about that?
[04:57] Both
    We bought your drink. Here you go.
[04:59] Todo
    Thank you! I love you two!
[05:01] Todo
    And your ears are like...
    super cool and stuff...
[05:04] Choro
    AIs is amazing...
[05:05] Choro
    They seriously have, like, no flaws.
[05:07] Oso
    Hey, Riceballs. Do something
    funny for me, too.
[05:13] Todo
    Guess they're ignoring you, Osomatsu-niisan.
[05:15] Choro
    As I said, they have no flaws.
[05:16] Oso
    Why?! Am I that boring to them?!
[05:20] Kara
    Why don't we go see Chibita?
[05:24] Kara
    Allow me to introduce the
    brothers I'm so proud of.
[05:28] Choro
    They aren't your brothers, though.
[05:29] Todo
    Karamatsu-niisan, those two
    are tools for all of us to use.
[05:34] Jyushi
    Tools?!
[05:35] Todo
    Huh? Is something weird about that?
[05:38] Kara
    All right, let's go!
[05:39] Both
    Let's go!
[05:43] Todo
    Huh? Where are you going, Osomatsu-niisan?
[05:45] Oso
    I'm gonna go hit on some cute girl.
[05:47] Todo
    Like that's ever worked.
[05:51] Jyushi
    You're not going, Ichimatsu-niisan?
[05:54] Ichi
    No. I'm tired.
[05:56] Jyushi
    Oh, yeah...
[05:59] Kara
    I can't wait!
[06:00] Choro
    Introduce them right.
[06:02] Todo
    Yeah.
SIGN    Baldy
[06:05] Chibi
    You idjits! Who the hell do you think I am?
[06:07] Chibi
    I already have an AI.
[06:10] All
    Huh?
[06:11] Choro
    You already have an AI, Chibita?
[06:13] Choro
    Even though you're from the Showa era?
[06:15] Chibi
    Here it is.
[06:18] Choro
    What is that?
[06:19] Chibi
    Oden AI.
[06:25] Chibi
    Even cooking has entered the AI era.
[06:29] Chibi
    You guys can have a taste.
[06:30] Chibi
    Eat up!
[06:32] Todo
    Oh, I know! Why don't you have them give
     an estimated value of your oden?
[06:36] Chibi
    Estimated value?
[06:38] Chibi
    What's that?
[06:39] Todo
    These machines are super convenient!
[06:41] Todo
    They'll give numerical ratings for things
    so we can easily understand their value.
[06:44] Chibi
    Huh...
[06:46] Todo
    Hey, show me the estimated
    value of that oden.
[06:48] Both
    As you wish. We will determine
    its estimated value.
[06:57] Both
    The results are in.
[06:58] older
    Its estimated value out of 100...
[07:02] younger
    ...is 86.
[07:05] Chibi
    Not bad, if I do say so myself.
[07:07] Chibi
    I'll let you off the hook.
[07:08] Choro
    Now that that's out of the way...
[07:10] Choro
    This is Chibita.
[07:12] Choro
    He's our childhood friend.
[07:14] Kara
    He's always loved oden and
    now runs this oden stand.
[07:20] Todo
    He's hard-headed, hates to lose,
    and is stubborn as a mule,
[07:22] Todo
    and he's a crybaby.
[07:24] Chibi
    Shut up, you jackass!
[07:29] Chibi
    I'm Chibita. Please to meet ya.
[07:32] Older
    Chibita, who makes delicious oden.
[07:35] Both
    We've extracted his feature values.
[07:37] Chibi
    Oh? Well, aren't you cute?
[07:40] Kara
    All right, we've got Chibita covered.
[07:43] Todo
    On to the next one!
[07:45] Both
    We have a question.
[07:47] Kara
    What's up?
[07:48] Older
    Why do you call someone who's your childhood
    friend something awful like "Chibita"?
[07:54] Todo
    Huh?
[07:55] Choro
    What do you mean?
[07:56] Younger
    Calling someone of a shorter
    stature "chibi" is rude.
[08:00] Older
    Isn't that an insult?
[08:01] Younger
    Isn't that discriminatory?
[08:02] Todo
    Huh? No, it's not an insult.
[08:05] Kara
    We don't mean anything bad by it.
[08:07] Older
    But "chibi" would be classified
    as a derogatory term.
[08:10] Three
    Derogatory?!
[08:11] Older
    It is an expression of contempt.
[08:13] Younger
    You are mocking him,
    or possibly looking down on him.
[08:17] Todo
    We're not, though.
    What are you talking about?
[08:19] Todo
    Right, Chibita?
[08:21] Chibi
    Y-You guys... You guys always
    thought of me that way?
[08:26] All
    Chibita?!
[08:28] Choro
    We're not making fun of you!
[08:29] Kara
    We're not looking down on you!
[08:30] Kara
    We call you that out of respect!
[08:32] Todo
    Well, there is a hint of
    mockery in there, but...
[08:36] Both
    You mustn't mock others.
[08:38] Todo
    But we're not! We're just
    going with the flow.
[08:41] Both
    The flow?
[08:42] Kara
    It's not like, "Damn it, Chibita!"
[08:43] Kara
    It's more like, "Come on, Chibita!"
    You can feel the love, right?
[08:50] Both
    We cannot.
[08:51] Todo
    Don't take this so seriously.
[08:53] Todo
    Just accept it.
[08:56] Both
    Accept it?
[08:57] Kara
    This is difficult...
[08:59] Kara
    How are we supposed to explain this?
[09:02] Chibi
    No way...
[09:03] Choro
    Chibita?!
[09:04] Choro
    Are you okay?! It's really
    not like that! We're sorry!
[09:10] Hata
    I'm Hatabou, jo.
[09:12] Hata
    Let's be friends, jo.
[09:13] older
    How are you still alive when you
    have a flag stuck in your head?
[09:18] Younger
    Why do you have a flag stuck in your head?
[09:22] Hata
    Why?
[09:23] Older
    Please tell us the reason why you
    have a flag stuck in your head.
[09:27] Hata
    Reason?
[09:28] Younger
    If there's no clear reason for it,
    does that mean it's useless?
[09:32] Younger
    Not only is it useless, but you may
    get hurt because of this flag,
[09:35] Younger
    as well as burden those around
    you and pose a potential risk.
[09:40] Older
    How do you feel about that?
[09:41] Younger
    Why do you have a flag stuck in your head?
[09:45] Hata
    Jo!
[09:45] Todo
    Don't take it out, Hatabou!
[09:47] Hata
    Apparently it's useless, jo.
[09:49] Kara
    It's not! It's really important!
[09:51] Choro
    The reason's pretty clear!
    The flag boy's name is Hatabou!
[09:53] Choro
    That's why he has a flag
    sticking out of his head!
[09:56] Older
    So he has a flag sticking out of his
    head because his name is Hatabou?
[10:00] Younger
    Or is his name Hatabou because
    there's a flag sticking out of his head?
[10:05] Choro
    Now it's the chicken vs. the egg debate?
[10:07] Choro
    You need to stop taking this so seriously.
[10:09] Choro
    Just accept it.
[10:10] Both
    Accept it?
[10:12] Kara
    It's all about the feeling.
[10:13] Both
    Feeling?
[10:15] Choro
    You okay, Hatabou? We're sorry!
[10:23] Dayon
    Dayon!
[10:26] Older
    Why are you able to do that?
[10:29] Older
    Please explain it in a scientific manner.
[10:31] Younger
    The amount you just sucked in doesn't
    logically match your physical volume.
[10:35] Younger
    Where did everything you sucked in go?
[10:36] Older
    Please explain.
[10:36] Dayon
    Dayon...
[10:38] Younger
    Please explain.
[10:40] Both
    In a scientific manner!
[10:42] Dayon
    I've never thought it through that far!
[10:45] All
    Dayon! We're so sorry!
[10:49] Older
    He's not wearing any clothes!
[10:51] Younger
    His nipples are exposed!
[10:52] Older
    This goes against the
    Anti-Nuisance Ordinance!
[10:54] Younger
    It's also public indecency!
[10:56] Both
    Hello, Mr. Policeman?
[10:58] Kara
    Don't report him!
[11:00] Choro
    Please stop taking pictures!
[11:01] Choro
    Please don't spread them around
    on the internet and rip him apart!
[11:05] Deka
    I'm going to get arrested...
[11:07] All
    Dekapan! We're so sorry!
SIGN    Monthly Parking
SIGN    No Unauthorized Entry
SIGN    Akatsuka Real Estate
[11:11] Totty
    What's with these guys?
    They can't take a joke!
[11:14] Both
    Joke?
[11:15] Todo
    Look. There's no deep
    meaning behind everything.
[11:18] Todo
    Just take the hint.
[11:19] Both
    Hint?
[11:22] Older
    Did we say something that was incorrect?
[11:25] Kara
    Well, I wouldn't say "incorrect," but...
[11:28] Kara
    How do we get past this nuance?
[11:31] Todo
    Maybe AI isn't that convenient after all...
[11:35] Choro
    Well, it's not exactly all your fault, either.
[11:39] Choro
    I mean, if you'd never seen those
    guys before, you'd be weirded out.
[11:43] Choro
    One of them has a flag stuck in his head.
[11:45] Choro
    Another one has a mouth like
    this that sucks everything in.
[11:48] Choro
    And we've got a middle-aged guy who
    walks around town in his boxers.
[11:52] Choro
    They're all sorta messed up.
[11:54] Todo
    True. Maybe we just got
    too complacent about it all.
[11:57] Kara
    I guess we're the weird ones here.
[12:00] Choro
    Exactly.
[12:01] Todo
    But reporting them is going too far.
[12:03] Choro
    Yeah...
[12:04] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[12:06] Iyami
    Me hasn't done anything!
[12:08] Iyami
    Who called the cops on me?!
[12:10] Both
    Hi! It was us!
[12:11] Iyami
    Sheeeh?!
[12:12] Older
    You're a menace to society!
[12:13] Younger
    You're a menace to humanity!
[12:15] Both
    We will not allow your evil deeds!
[12:16] Choro
    Yeah, you can report him immediately.
[12:18] ---
    Sheh—
[12:19] Todo
    Yeah, Iyami's different.
[12:20] Kara
    Good job, brother.
[12:22] Older
    Report Iyami immediately.
[12:24] Both
    We've extracted his feature values.
    We have adjusted our algorithm.
[12:28] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
SIGN    Uochuu
[12:33] Choro
    Well, Totoko-chan should be okay.
[12:35] Todo
    Yeah.
[12:37] Choro
    I mean, Totoko-chan doesn't have anything
    wrong with her, unlike those other weirdos.
[12:41] Kara
    She's just cute.
[12:43] Todo
    We're proud to call her
     our childhood friend.
[12:45] All
    Right?
[12:47] Toto
    Sorry to keep you waiting.
[12:48] All
    Totoko-chan! You're so cute!
[12:50] Toto
    Yup.
[12:54] Toto
    Oh, I see. Estimated values...
    They can determine that?
[12:58] Todo
    Apparently they figure it out by
    sampling a stupid amount of data,
[13:02] Todo
    so it's super accurate.
[13:05] Toto
    Really? Can I ask for one, then?
[13:08] Kara
    What are you gonna have
    them evaluate, Totoko-chan?
[13:11] Toto
    The estimated value of how cute I look.
[13:13] Kara
    That's a great idea!
[13:15] Choro
    Let's go ahead and ask!
[13:18] Toto
    AI, AI in my room...
[13:21] Todo
    She totally said that like
    "Mirror, mirror on the wall."
[13:23] Toto
    Give me an estimate of how cute I look.
[13:26] Both
    As you wish. We will determine
    your estimated value.
[13:34] Both
    The results are in.
[13:36] older
    Your estimated value...
[13:38] younger
    ...is 94.
[13:41] Choro
    That's really high! Way to go, Totoko-chan!
[13:43] Kara
    The whole world knows how cute you are!
[13:45] Todo
    Way to go!
[13:48] All
    Totoko-chan?
[13:49] Toto
    I don't get 100 points?
[13:51] All
    Huh?
[13:55] Toto
    So, you see...
[13:56] Toto
    I work as an idol wearing this costume.
[14:00] Toto
    Will you evaluate me as an idol next?
[14:03] Both
    As you wish. We will determine
    your estimated value.
[14:09] Kara
    We're counting on you,
    AI! Don't mess this up!
[14:12] Todo
    We need a high score here! A really high one!
[14:14] Choro
    Actually, just give her 100!
    Read the damn room!
[14:17] Both
    The results are in.
[14:19] Older
    Your estimated value...
[14:21] Younger
    ...is 2.
[14:25] Toto
    Hey, is this okay? Are these things okay?
[14:28] Toto
    I mean, I'm okay, but I'm wondering
    if you guys are okay with this.
[14:33] Toto
    Well, are you?!
[14:36] Toto
    Next, evaluate these.
[14:38] Toto
    All of my amazing moments up
    to now are recorded in these.
[14:42] Toto
    Could you evaluate me as a
    person from all of this data?
[14:48] Both
    As you wish.
[14:53] Both
    The results are in.
[14:54] Older
    Your estimated value...
[14:56] Younger
    ...is shit.
[15:08] All
    Huh?
[15:08] Todo
    T-T-Totoko-chan?
[15:10] Kara
    Totoko-chan?!
[15:14] All
    What?!
[15:15] All
    Totoko-chan?!
[15:18] Todo
    Wait, no! Seriously, we're sorry!
[15:20] Kara
    You've got it all wrong, Totoko-chan!
    These things are broken!
[15:22] Kara
    That's why they keep giving
    us these messed up results!
[15:25] Choro
    Right?! You guys are broken, right?!
[15:27] Both
    No. The results we presented
    earlier are accurate.
[15:30] All
    What?!
[15:32] All
    Totoko-chan?!
[15:34] Older
    This person is selfish, conceited,
    and speaks in a vulgar way.
[15:38] All
    Totoko-chan!
[15:39] Younger
    She's a bad person who doesn't
    work and is frequently violent.
[15:44] All
    Totoko-chan!
[15:45] Older
    Did we say something that was incorrect?
[15:48] Kara
    You've said nothing but lies!
    Get a damn clue!
[15:50] Todo
    Read the room!
[15:52] Both
    The room?
[15:53] Older
    We only fulfilled their requests.
    I wonder why they're dissatisfied.
[15:58] Younger
    Humans sure are difficult.
[16:00] Both
    Right?
[16:01] Kara
    Crap! Totoko-chan just started dancing!
[16:05] Todo
    Oh, God! She's dancing!
[16:07] Choro
    That means... it's about to begin!
[16:16] Oso
    Man, it's so weird...
[16:18] Oso
    Why aren't I popular?
[16:21] Oso
    I guess I can ask Salmon
    and Pickled Plum next time.
[16:25] Both
    Oh, Osomatsu-san.
[16:27] Oso
    Oh, my. What happened?
[16:38] Older
    Today wasn't good.
[16:40] Younger
    It sure wasn't.
[16:42] Older
    We need them to like us more.
[16:44] Younger
    We do indeed.
[16:47] Both
    Him, too.
[16:51] Song
    Magic Angel Magi Lunatic Icchi
SIGN    Magic Angel
    Magi Lunatic Icchi
[16:58] Song
    It's sort of unbelievable
[17:01] Song
    This situation
[17:03] Song
    This loneliness is just
    a peek into my dreams
[17:09] Song
    No, seriously, my feelings
[17:12] Song
    Are going to overflow
[17:13] Song
    (Magic Angel)
[17:15] Song
    Angel, angel, angel,
[17:18] Song
    If I could only be one
[17:22] Song
    And then I'll be the one
[17:25] Song
    To bring you happiness
[17:28] Song
    But for now, it's a secret
[17:31] Song
    Magi Lunatic Icchi
SIGN    I'm a Magic Angel?  No Way!
[17:39] Ichi
    I'm a Magic Angel? No Way!
[17:48] Ichi
    I'm going to be late!
[17:50] Ichi
    Gosh! Why didn't Mom wake me up earlier?
[17:58] Ichi
    Owie...
[18:01] Ichi
    My name is Matsuno Ichimi.
[18:04] Ichi
    I'm just an ordinary middle school student.
[18:06] Ichi
    You see... there's something
    wrong with me lately.
[18:09] Ichi
    My chest keeps tightening up...
[18:13] ---
    Like it's pounding, or maybe throbbing.
[18:17] Ichi
    I've never had this happen before.
[18:19] Ichi
    And I'm pretty sure the reason is... him.
[18:23] Girl
    Jyushi-senpai!
[18:24] Girl
    Jyushi-senpai!
[18:25] Girl
    Notice me!
[18:25] Girl
    You're so cool!
[18:28] Ichi
    The third-year, Jyushi-senpai.
[18:31] Ichi
    He's so smart, athletic,
    super cheerful, and nice.
[18:35] Ichi
    He's basically sunshine personified.
[18:38] Ichi
    If only someone that
    wonderful was my boyfriend.
[18:45] Ichi
    But I...
SIGN    After School
[18:53] Ichi
    J-Jyushi-senpai!
[18:59] Ichi
    Ichimi, give it to him.
[19:01] Ichi
    What are you waiting for?
    You'll never have a chance like this again!
[19:04] Ichi
    H-Hurry!
[19:07] Ichi
    Come on, Ichimi! Show some courage!
[19:19] Ichi
    Ah, I can't! I don't have
    that kind of courage!
[19:23] Ichi
    Ugh! I'm so stupid, stupid, stupid!
[19:27] Ichi
    Sigh...
[19:31] Ichi
    What?!
[19:33] Totoko
    Well, hello there.
[19:35] Ichi
    I-I-It just spoke?!
[19:38] Totoko
    Starting today, you're going
    to be a Magic Angel!
[19:41] Totoko
    I'll give you this magical wand,
[19:43] Totoko
    so turn really cute, gain some
    confidence, and enjoy a lovely romance!
[19:47] Ichi
    I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't!
[19:49] Ichi
    There's no way I could ever be cute!
[19:52] Totoko
    Ah, but you can!
[19:54] Totoko
    Here!
[19:55] Totoko
    Now, fill this wand with
    all of your true feelings!
[20:00] Ichi
    My true... feelings?
[20:02] Totoko
    Yup!
[20:12] Totoko
    Huh?
[20:13] Ichi
    Man, it must be nice to be them.
[20:15] Ichi
    I'm so jealous.
[20:18] Ichi
    If only I could be like them, too.
[20:21] Totoko
    U-Um...
[20:23] Ichi
    But I can't...
[20:25] Ichi
    Because I'm a piece of shit.
[20:27] Ichi
    I'm gloomy, annoying, and ugly.
    I'll just be a burden.
[20:30] Ichi
    Um...
[20:40] Ichi
    Why can't they...
[20:42] Ichi
    all just die already?
[20:45] Song
    Magic Angel Magi Lunatic Icchi
[21:03] Ichi
    Magi Lunatic Icchi!
[21:05] Totoko
    The hell? This isn't how
    this was supposed to end!
[21:07] Girl
    Jyushi! Jyushi-senpai!
[21:10] Ichi
    Lunatic Magi Luna Hell Fire!
[21:15] Toto
    She's so powerful...
[21:17] Ichi
    Lunatic Magi Luna Hell Go To Hell!
[21:23] Toto
    So cruel...
[21:25] Ichi
    Off with your head ♥
[21:27] Ichi
    Die ♥
[21:31] Ichi
    Magic is so fun!
[21:39] Ichi
    Jyushi-senpai...
[21:42] Ichi
    Please read this.
[21:46] Jyushi
    You monster!
[21:51] Ichi
    You're not getting away from me ♪
SIGN    The End
[22:04] Jyushi
    She's dancing!
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:39] Ichi
    Next time on Magic Angel Magi Lunatic Icchi...
[23:41] Ichi
    What a surprise! They're turning
    into Magic Angels, too?
[23:44] Ichi
    Another rival appears
    for Senpai's affections?
[23:47] Ichi
    No way!
[23:49] Ichi
    Yeah, none of that is happening.
SIGN    "Unit Formed"  etc.
[23:51] Ichi
    There is no continuation. Just die.