E23 - The Late Night Himatsuya / Dayon and Dayon / Iyami-san Is Troubled

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Chinese Cafeteria Himatsuya
SIGN    Jigae pot
SIGN    "The Late Night Himatsuya 2"
[00:06] Guy
    Paid in exact change.
[00:09] Guy
    Thank you very much.
[00:12] Todo
    Hey, let's just go home.
    It's past 2:30, so let's go.
[00:17] Todo
    Oh, come on! We talked
    about this, didn't we?
[00:20] Todo
    We said that when we got this relaxed,
    we'd go home! It's for the best!
[00:25] Oso
    Yeah, but you know...
[00:26] All
    Huh?
[00:27] Oso
    I don't feel like we can go home unless we
    can get riled up at least one more time.
[00:31] All
    Yup, yup.
[00:32] Todo
    And that one more time won't ever happen!
[00:36] Ichi
    Maybe something new and
    interesting will happen.
[00:38] Todo
    It won't! It really won't!
[00:40] Todo
    I can vouch for this! Let's just go!
[00:42] Jyu
    Oh, I know!
[00:43] Oso
    What is it?
[00:44] All
    What, what, what?
[00:46] Jyu
    Why don't we all, like, right now...
[00:49] Jyu
    play the word chain game?
[00:51] Todo
    Let's go home!
[00:52] Todo
    He actually said word chain game!
    That's so insanely boring!
[00:55] Kara
    Word chain (shiritori)!
[00:56] Choro
    Squirrel (risu)!
[00:57] Ichi
    Watermelon (suika)!
[00:58] Oso
    Camera (kamera)!
[00:59] Jyu
    Trumpet (rappa)!
[01:00] Todo
    Stop it! Don't you see how sad this is?
[01:01] Todo
    Have some pride!
SIGN    Pepper
[01:02] Kara
    Why don't we play the word association game?
[01:05] Todo
    Let's go home.
[01:05] Choro
    How about the other word association game?
[01:06] Todo
    Let's go home!
[01:07] Ichi
    I've recently learned to do an impression
    that I'm pretty confident about.
[01:11] Ichi
    Want to see it?
[01:12] Todo
    Let's go home!
[01:12] Oso
    What would you do if you won the lottery?
[01:15] Todo
    Let's go home!
[01:15] Jyu
    What would you do if
    Totoko-chan asked you out?
[01:18] Todo
    C'mon, let's go home!
[01:19] Kara
    I've been able to see people's auras lately.
[01:21] Todo
    Let's go home!
[01:22] Choro
    So the stars you see every night
[01:24] Choro
    have actually been around
    for hundreds of years!
[01:25] Todo
    Let's go home! It's seriously over
    if we start talking about space!
[01:28] Jyu
    Oh, yeah!
[01:30] Jyu
    I think if we talk about this,
    we can get things going again.
[01:33] oso
    What, what?
[01:33] All
    What, what, what?
[01:35] Jyu
    Osomatsu-niisan...
[01:37] Jyu
    Honestly... Like, right now...
[01:41] Jyu
    Is there a girl you like?
[01:43] Todo
    Let's go home!
[01:44] Todo
    You just said something from, like,
    a school trip! This is hell!
[01:50] Todo
    No, no, no! Let's go home!
[01:52] Todo
    As soon as we get too relaxed, we go home!
[01:54] Todo
    Relaxed equals go home
    immediately! Seriously!
[01:57] Oso
    Wait, Totty.
[02:00] Oso
    If you're that insistent,
    why don't you go home by yourself?
[02:03] Jyu
    Yeah! We're going to play the word
    association game and then go home.
[02:06] Todo
    What? You're going to play the word
    association game and then go home?
[02:09] All
    Yeah.
[02:13] Todo
    Okay, fine.
[02:17] Todo
    Well, shall we start?
SIGN    End
[02:18] All
    No, go home!
SIGN    Apple Milk
[04:12] News
    Good morning. It is now 7:30.
[04:14] News
    Here is the news for this hour.
[04:17] News
    Because of the heavy rain 
    in western Japan yesterday,
[04:19] News
    there have been multiple 
    instances of flooding...
[04:47] Guy
    Huh? You're already finished?
[04:49] Guy
    You're so fast, Dayon-san!
[04:53] Guy
    Thank you!
[04:55] Guy 2
    Dayon-san's always so fast.
[04:58] Guy
    He's just that efficient.
[04:59] Guy 3
    Um, Dayon-san...
[05:03] Guy 3
    Sorry, I was wondering if I could
    talk to you about something.
[05:15] Guy
    Dayon-san!
[05:16] Guy
    Um, we were all talking about
    going drinking later...
[05:24] Dayon
    Maybe next time.
[05:28] Guy
    That's too bad.
[05:56] ---
    Wh...
[05:56] Dayon
    What's going on?!
SIGN    "Dayon and Dayon"
[05:59] Dayon
    What?!
[06:04] Dayon
    He looks just like me! Way too much like me!
[06:07] Dayon
    If it were anyone else, I'd understand,
[06:08] Dayon
    but there's someone who actually
    looks exactly like me?
[06:12] Dayon
    He looks just like me! It's scary!
SIGN    Akatsuka Street  Shopping District
[06:23] Wife
    Welcome home, dear.
[06:24] Dayon
    He's married?!
[06:27] Daughter
    Hi, Daddy!
[06:28] Son
    Hey, Dad.
[06:30] Dayon
    He even has kids!
[06:31] Kid
    So, today...
SIGN    Kimura
[06:38] Dayon
    K-Kimura?
[06:40] Girl
    What's wrong, Daddy? You're not coming in?
[06:44] Kimu
    No, I have something very
    important that I have to do,
[06:48] Kimu
    so go ahead and wait for me inside.
[06:51] Girl
    Okay!
[06:56] Kimu
    Hold it!
[07:00] Kimu
    Let's talk.
[07:13] Kimu
    You look just like me.
[07:16] Kimu
    I knew you'd come.
[07:19] Kimu
    The fact that I'm alive is proof
    that you'd exist somewhere, too.
[07:24] Kimu
    It's destiny that we'd meet...
[07:26] Kimu
    Or... I could even say I've lived
    this long just so you could find me.
[07:32] Kimu
    If you look at it that way,
     it's really deep.
[07:38] Kimu
    But you really do look just like me.
[07:42] Kimu
    Very well. Let me break this down a little
    more so it's easier to understand.
[07:46] Kimu
    I think you've realized this,
    but I am you, and you are me.
[07:52] Kimu
    We're not talking about one being
    the original and one being fake.
[07:56] Kimu
    Your very existence is a possibility
    that existed within me.
[08:01] Kimu
    That's more understandable, right?
[08:05] Kimu
    You really do look just like me.
[08:09] Dayon
    U-Um...
[08:12] Dayon
    A-Are you a d-doppelganger?
[08:16] Dayon
    I've heard of them before!
[08:18] Dayon
    In this world, everyone has another
    person who looks exactly like them,
[08:23] Dayon
    and they call them doppelgangers—
[08:26] Dayon
    A doppelganger?!
[08:28] kimu
    Are you trying to imply
    that I'm a doppelganger?!
SIGN    To those who  use this park: No sleds allowed Don't live here No flying
[08:33] Dayon
    Huh? U-Um, uh...
SIGN    Dog leash pine
[08:35] Kimu
    Don't be ridiculous!
[08:36] Dayon
    Y-You've got it all wrong!
[08:38] Kimu
    But you just said I was a doppelganger!
[08:41] Dayon
    That's not it! I just don't
    know what's going on!
[08:44] Dayon
    Please don't get mad!
[08:46] Dayon
    D-Don't get mad...
[08:53] Kimu
    You really do look just like me.
[08:59] Kimu
    Dayon.
[09:01] Kimu
    Look, Dayon. I'm sorry.
[09:03] Kimu
    Don't be so scared.
    It makes it hard to talk to you.
[09:09] Kimu
    Here. I'll give you this,
    so please forgive me.
[09:16] Kimu
    What's wrong, Dayon?
[09:20] Kimu
    Do you like this candy, too?
[09:31] Kimu
    Imagine that! We really are the same!
[09:37] Kimu
    By the way, Dayon, can I ask you something?
[09:40] Dayon
    What is it?
[09:41] Kimura
    How do you brush your teeth?
[09:43] Kimura
    Since my mouth is so big, it takes
    me at least thirty minutes to brush.
[09:47] Dayon
    I know!
[09:48] Dayon
    My toothpaste runs out so fast, and my
    toothbrush always wears out so quickly.
[09:52] Kimura
    Totally! That's a Dayon problem.
[09:55] Dayon
    It's a Dayon problem!
[10:00] Kimura
    By the way, are you married, Dayon?
[10:03] Dayon
    Not yet, but I do have a best friend.
[10:07] Kimura
    Best friend? What are they like?
[10:09] Dayon
    He's always wandering around
    in just his drawers.
[10:12] Kimu
    What the heck? He sounds a bit dangerous.
[10:14] Kimu
    Let's all go drinking sometime.
[10:15] Dayon
    Okay!
[10:19] Kimu
    Well, be careful.
[10:22] Wife
    Please come back again, my second husband.
[10:24] Girl
    Daddy number two!
[10:25] Kid
    Bye-bye! See you again!
[10:28] Both
    Bye-bye!
SIGN    Several Days Later
[10:44] News
    ...to look into the matter further.
SIGN    And now for our next story.
[10:48] News
    The man who was arrested for secretly
SIGN    College Professor Caught Secretly 
    Filming Someone on the Train
[10:50] News
    filming someone was actually 
    a college professor.
SIGN    Arrested on suspicion of secretly filming someone
    Kimura Dayon (35)
[10:52] news
    The suspect, Kimura Dayon, 
    who works at Akatsuka University,
[10:56] news
    was arrested for allegedly attempting 
    to film up a woman's skirt in a train.
[11:02] News
    According to the police, 
    Kimura was in a mostly empty train car,
[11:07] News
    and sat directly behind a woman...
[11:08] Dayon
    Oh, my...
[11:11] Dayon
    You just never know...
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Iyami-san Is Troubled"
[11:38] Prod
    Whoa! What are you doing, Iyami-san?!
[11:42] Iya
    Oh, producer. Don't stop me.
[11:46] Prod
    Wait, wait, wait, wait!
[11:47] Prod
    What are you doing?! Why?!
[11:50] Iya
    Me doesn't feel like working on this anime,
    Mr. Osomatsu, any longer.
[11:55] Iya
    Don't stop me.
[11:56] Prod
    No, really. What happened?
[12:00] Iya
    Don't act dumb. You know exactly
    what's wrong, don't you?
[12:04] Prod
    Huh?
[12:07] Iya
    Fine. Let me spell it out for you, then.
[12:14] Iya
    Producer, don't you think that
    I don't fit in on this show?
[12:19] Prod
    Huh?
[12:21] Prod
    Y-You don't?
[12:23] Iya
    Correct.
[12:25] Iya
    Me just can't seem to blend in
    with the modern sextuplets
[12:28] Iya
    and their excitable conversations.
[12:30] Iya
    Me is the only one who doesn't fit in.
[12:32] Iya
    There's distance, a gap...
[12:33] Iya
    Even when me tries, there's just
    something so Showa era about me.
[12:39] Iya
    And there's nothing me can do about it.
[12:42] Iya
    By the way, is me even popular?
[12:45] Prod
    Huh? Uh...
[12:47] Prod
    W-Well, of course...
[12:49] Iya
    Me is not.
[12:50] Prod
    Huh?
[12:51] Iya
    The roles me has are suspiciously few,
    and there's not much merchandise of me.
[12:56] Iya
    The sextuplets basically make
    the show. It's over for me.
[13:01] Iya
    You know that one costume? Did you know?
[13:04] Iya
    The very first one made was of me,
[13:06] Iya
    but because the sextuplets are the
    ones getting all of the offers,
[13:09] Iya
    my costume is just sitting in a
    dark warehouse somewhere in Chiba.
[13:13] Iya
    Me is destined to be abandoned.
[13:14] Prod
    That's not true, Iyami-san!
[13:17] Prod
    This show is finished if you're gone!
    Everyone thinks that!
[13:25] Prod
    R-Really!
[13:26] Prod
    Just a moment! I'll go
    call someone real quick!
[13:29] Prod
    Hey! Someone!
[13:33] Both
    Iyami!
[13:35] Oso
    What the heck are you talking about?
[13:37] Oso
    Think about your notoriety!
[13:39] Iya
    Notoriety?
[13:40] Oso
    Everyone knows about you!
[13:44] Oso
    Moms, dads... We sextuplets
    can't even compare!
[13:48] Chibi
    And you have that super famous
    one-liner, "Sheeeh!"
[13:53] Oso
    Yeah!
[13:54] Both
    Sheeeh!
[13:57] Oso
    Man, I'd kill to have a
    one-liner as classic as that.
[14:01] Iya
    Wouldn't the fact that
    it's classic make it old?
[14:06] Chibi
    Well, um... There's also...
[14:09] Chibi
    Your teeth! You have your teeth!
[14:11] Oso
    Yeah! You have those really unique teeth!
[14:14] Iya
    And wouldn't you say that characters
    with buck teeth are also dated?
[14:17] Oso
    Also... that really unique way you talk!
[14:21] Iya
    Really? You really think it fits
    in with how people talk now?
[14:24] Chibi
    And... you know! You've got
    your whole France thing!
[14:27] Iya
    Who the heck even idolizes
    Paris that much anymore?
[14:31] Iya
    All you see about France on the news
    is politics, economy, refugees...
[14:35] Iya
    It's all trouble!
[14:36] Oso
    Oh, come on! Stop!
[14:37] Chibi
    Just stop, you idjit! Don't say that, Iyami.
[14:41] Oso
    President!
[14:41] Chibi
    Iyami!
[14:42] Oso
    President!
[14:44] Iyami
    Don't call me President.
    That's misleading in various ways.
[14:50] Oso
    What should we do?
[14:54] Iya
    Anyway, me thinks the fact
    me doesn't fit in is a problem.
[14:58] Oso
    Don't fit in? Does he stick out that badly?
[15:01] Iya
    It's true!
[15:03] Chibi
    Well, if you put it that way,
    I'm in a lot of trouble, too.
[15:07] Chibi
    I like oden, I'm bald, and I have
    verbal tics like "idjit" and "damn it!"
[15:11] Chibi
    I'm the epitome of the Showa era.
[15:13] Iya
    No, you're safe, just barely.
[15:15] Chibi
    Huh?
[15:16] Iya
    Me feels like you're still able
    to fit in with the others.
[15:20] Iya
    Me realizes this.
[15:24] Oso
    Hey, maybe this is all about relatability...
[15:27] Both
    Relatability?
[15:28] Oso
    I'm not sure, I'm not entirely sure,
[15:31] Oso
    but I think in order to be liked,
    you have to be relatable.
[15:35] Oso
    Like when you watch someone and go,
    "Hey! I went through that, too!"
[15:39] Oso
    Or, "Yeah, I totally get that!"
    Something like that.
[15:41] Chibi
    Oh, like familiarity.
[15:43] Oso
    Exactly! Iyami doesn't
    have any... Like, at all!
[15:47] Chibi
    Not... at all!
[15:49] Oso
    You're just as shitty as the rest of us,
[15:52] Oso
    but you're sort of on a high horse.
[15:54] Chibi
    You're a shithead on another level.
[15:56] Chibi
    So no one really feels like rooting
    for you or cheering you on.
[15:59] Oso
    Come down to Earth a bit more, Iyami.
[16:03] Chibi
    Come on down, Iyami.
[16:06] Oso
    But, you know...
[16:09] Oso
    If he actually does come down,
    he just won't be Iyami anymore.
[16:12] Chibi
    Exactly! That's the hard part!
[16:15] Oso
    Yeah. We want you to stay as you are, Iyami.
[16:18] Chibi
    Actually, Iyami needs to stay Iyami.
[16:20] Oso
    Okay, I guess we'll just
    leave things as they are.
[16:22] Chibi
    Yup, as is.
[16:25] Iya
    Hold it!
[16:27] Iya
    Why did you give up?!
[16:29] Iya
    Think about this a little longer!
[16:35] Chibi
    Hey, can I say something?
[16:38] Chibi
    In my opinion, I think the
    problem is the way you talk.
[16:42] Oso
    The way he talks?
[16:43] Chibi
    I mean, I've got my own tics,
    but Iyami's pretty special.
[16:47] Chibi
    That tic at the end of his sentences just
[16:50] Chibi
    doesn't allow him to keep
    up with conversations.
[16:54] Iya
    Me feels the same way!
[16:56] Iya
    You're pretty spot on!
[16:58] Chibi
    Ain't I, though?
[17:01] Iya
    It's finally clear!
[17:04] Iya
    Me just has to change the way me talks!
[17:07] Iya
    Then me won't be so out of place.
[17:09] Both
    Huh?!
[17:10] Oso
    Change the way... you talk?
[17:12] Chibi
    Can you actually do that?
[17:14] Iya
    Easy-peasy.
[17:16] Iya
    Here we go.
[17:18] Iya
    Seriously, how can I get more popular?
[17:22] Iya
    No, really, what do you guys think?
[17:24] Oso
    No, no, no, no!
[17:25] Iya
    I'm Iyami.
[17:26] Chib
    No, no, no, no!
[17:27] Iya
    I'm, like, a huge star.
[17:29] Oso
    Who the heck are you?
    You're not Iyami anymore!
[17:31] Oso
    You're like some boring president!
[17:32] Iya
    Bring Jyushimatsu over here.
[17:33] Iya
    That little shit's got a big
    head since he got so popular.
[17:35] Oso
    President, please stop!
[17:36] Iya
    Huh? I mean, I even used to
    sing the ending theme!
[17:39] Chibi
    Suzu-san!
[17:40] Iya
    I used to sing the damn ending!
[17:42] Iya
    I thought I'd be way more popular!
    I used to be the star!
[17:45] Iya
    Sheeeh...
[17:47] Iya
    It's no use...
[17:49] Oso
    That was close... We almost
    destroyed the Showa-era character.
[17:54] Iya
    What should me do?
[17:56] Iya
    All of my potential is going to waste.
[18:00] Iya
    Come on, you two, think! Give me ideas!
[18:04] Oso
    Well, then, why don't you think
    of a new line other than "sheeeh"?
[18:10] Chib
    Yeah, that's a good idea.
[18:12] Chib
    Stop relying on sheeeh forever, man.
[18:15] Oso
    Go beyond sheeeh, Iyami.
[18:17] Chib
    Go beyond sheeeh, Iyami.
[18:20] Iya
    G-Go beyond sheeeh?
[18:22] Oso
    Go on.
[18:23] Chib
    Go on.
[18:24] Oso
    Come on, something new.
[18:25] Chib
    Something new.
[18:27] Oso
    Something that's super funny!
[18:29] Chib
    Something that'd be super popular.
[18:31] Both
    Hurry up.
[18:36] Iya
    M-Me can't... Me...
[18:39] Prod
    Are you still at it?
[18:42] Prod
    A new line? There's absolutely
    no point in that.
[18:46] Prod
    Honestly,
[18:46] Prod
    you coming up with something like that
    on purpose isn't funny, and it's annoying!
[18:52] Prod
    Hits and popularity are based on
    sheer luck. Don't get the wrong idea.
[18:55] Prod
    Also, even if you changed
    it up now, there's no time.
[18:58] Prod
    We only have two more episodes.
[19:00] Prod
    Two more episodes until the last episode!
[19:02] Prod
    So why are you wasting time like this?
[19:05] Prod
    Could you work on that first?
    Could you change that?
[19:09] Prod
    Right, so let's give up a few things.
[19:12] Prod
    Let's work hard on our last two episodes.
[19:14] Prod
    Dismissed!
[19:22] Oso
    Iyami!
[19:24] Chibi
    Iyami!
[19:24] Oso
    Iyami, don't!
[19:26] Chibi
    Don't do it!
[19:27] Oso
    It'll be okay! It'll be okay!
[19:28] Chibi
    Yeah! You can get through two episodes!
[19:30] Oso
    Iyami! Iyami!
SIGN    End
[19:31] Chibi
    Iyami! Iyami!
[19:31] Oso
    Just say sheeeh!
[19:31] Chibi
    It'll be okay!
[19:32] Oso
    Sheeeh!
SIGN    Chinese Cafeteria Himatsuya
SIGN    Jigae pot
SIGN    "The Late Night Himatsuya 3"
[21:06] Choro
    So, what should we do about work?
[21:08] Ichi
    We're basically reaching our time limit.
[21:12] Kara
    But, you know...
[21:13] All
    Huh?
[21:14] Kara
    I just don't know what job I'm cut out to do.
[21:18] Oso
    Oh, I see.
[21:20] Jyu
    There's only one job for you,
    Karamatsu-niisan.
[21:23] Kara
    Huh?
[21:24] Jyu
    A charismatic model!
[21:25] Jyu
    A charismatic model?! Ah... I see.
[21:29] Todo
    Because you're so hot!
[21:30] Choro
    Your face scores 100! You're so sharp!
[21:32] Oso
    Your body's pretty hot, too.
[21:34] Ichi
    You're something else.
[21:35] Jyu
    Something else!
[21:36] Choro
    Okay! That's what I'll be, then!
[21:39] All
    Yeah, totally!
[21:42] Choro
    Hey! What about me?
[21:44] Choro
    What work should I do?
[21:46] Kara
    Become the Prime Minister! Duh!
[21:48] Choro
    The Prime Minister, eh? I see...
[21:51] Oso
    Because you're so reliable!
[21:52] Todo
    And you're so righteous!
[21:54] Ichi
    Please bring this country together.
[21:56] Jyu
    Lead us fools.
[21:57] Kara
    Lead us, Choromatsu!
[21:59] Choro
    All right. I'll become
    the Prime Minister, then.
[22:01] All
    Yeah, totally!
[22:03] Oso
    What about me?
[22:04] Ichi
    The president of some super big company!
[22:07] Oso
    President?! I knew it!
[22:10] Todo
    I mean, you are the eldest.
[22:11] Jyu
    You have the ability to
    stand above the others!
[22:13] Kara
    Men love you, too.
[22:15] Choro
    Born with talent!
[22:16] Ichi
    Amazing!
[22:18] Oso
    Okay! I'll become a president!
[22:20] All
    Yeah, totally!
[22:22] Ichi
    What about me?
[22:23] Todo
    You should be a doctor, Ichimatsu-niisan.
[22:25] Ichi
    A doctor? I see.
[22:27] Jyu
    You have the kindness and finesse
    to understand another's pain.
[22:30] Oso
    You're attentive.
[22:31] Kara
    And you're super smart.
[22:33] Choro
    A wise cat always hides his claws!
[22:35] Todo
    But we know how awesome you are!
[22:37] Ichi
    Got it. I'll become a doctor.
[22:38] All
    Yeah, totally!
[22:41] Todo
    What about me?
[22:42] Jyu
    A super rich celebrity!
[22:44] Todo
    A celebrity, huh? Yeah,
    I can't argue with that.
[22:47] Choro
    Manual labor doesn't suit you.
[22:49] Ichi
    You'll always be one of those
    blessed guys at the top.
[22:51] Kara
    That's what you were destined for.
[22:52] Oso
    We're all hoping for your happiness.
[22:55] Jyu
    We know it'll happen.
[22:56] Todo
    Well, I guess I'll become a celebrity, then.
[22:59] All
    Yeah, totally!
[23:00] Jyu
    What about me?
[23:02] Todo
    A gold medalist!
[23:03] Jyu
    A gold medalist, huh? I see!
[23:06] Kara
    You have the ability to
    become a national star!
[23:08] Ichi
    Superstar!
[23:10] Choro
    Give Japan hope!
[23:11] Oso
    Bring us happiness!
[23:13] Todo
    Your aura's totally different!
[23:14] Jyu
    Okay. I'll become a gold medalist, then.
[23:17] Five
    Yeah, totally!
[23:19] Oso
    Man, we're so amazing.
[23:22] Oso
    A charismatic model,
    the Prime Minister, a president,
[23:25] Oso
    a doctor, a celebrity, and a gold medalist.
[23:28] Oso
    We're such a group of winners!
    We've basically already won.
[23:32] Oso
    Hooray!
[23:34] Five
    Hooray!
[23:35] Oso
    Hooray!
[23:36] Five
    Hooray!
SIGN    End