E20 - Tell Us, Hatabou / School Matsu / Iyami's School Source: Crunchyroll Translator: Editor: Timer: QC: (Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.) SIGN    "Tell Us, Hatabou" [00:02] Hata     Jo! [00:08] Guy     Mr. Flag, or should I say, Hatabou. [00:12] Guy     We've finally come to the realization... [00:14] Lady     ...that you're actually doing     nothing to run this company. [00:19] Guy     Why didn't we realize it before? [00:21] Guy     So long. [00:24] Hata     Jo... [00:25] Lady     Oh, is this a shock to you? But someone like y— [00:27] Hata     Jo? You're not my friends, so I don't care, jo. [00:34] Ichi     Hey, Jyushimatsu. [00:36] Jyu     What is it, Ichimatsu-niisan? [00:38] Ichi     It's so nice out. Perfect walking weather. [00:42] Jyu     Yup. [00:47] Ichi     Do you really not mind this? [00:48] Jyu     Not at all. [00:50] Ichi     Oh, okay. [00:53] Hata     Kebabs, jo! They're delicious, jo. [00:54] Ichi     What the heck is that? [00:56] Hata     Kebabs, jo. Delicious kebabs, jo. [01:00] Ichi     Uh... [01:01] Ichi     What are you doing, Hatabou? [01:03] Hata     Kebabs, jo. [01:05] Ichi     Huh? [01:07] Hata     Delicious kebabs, jo. [01:13] Ichi     What is this? It's delicious. [01:18] Jya     Yum! [01:19] Jya     So good! So good! [01:20] Ichi     Whoa, Jyushimatsu! Jyushimatsu! [01:23] Ichi     Good boy, good boy, good boy... [01:25] Hata     Kebabs, jo. Delicious kebabs, jo. [01:28] Ichi     Hatabou, these are super good.     What kind of meat is in these, anyway? [01:28] Hata     Kebabs, jo. They're delicious, jo.     Delicious kebabs, jo. Keba— [01:34] Ichi     Huh? Uh... What kind of meat is it? [01:38] Jyu     Hatabou? [01:42] Both     Huh? [01:44] Choro     Our eyes totally met!     She totally looked right at me! [01:50] Hata     Hamburgers, jo. [01:50] Choro     The heck is that? [01:52] Hata     Hamburgers, jo. Delicious hamburgers. [01:56] Choro     Hatabou, what are you doing? [01:58] Hata     Hamburgers, jo. [02:00] Choro     Huh? [02:00] Hata     Delicious hamburgers, jo. [02:06] Choro     What is this? They're delicious, Hatabou! [02:09] Hata     Hamburgers, jo. Delicious hamburgers, jo. [02:11] Choro     Wow... What kind of meat are you using? [02:13] Hata     Hambur— [02:15] ---     Huh? What kind of meat is it? [02:20] Choro     Er, Hata— [02:22] Todo     Okay, seriously, Karamatsu-niisan! [02:25] Todo     Why are you dressed like that here? [02:27] Todo     When, where, and how much did you buy that for? [02:29] Todo     Aren't you cold? [02:31] Kara     I feel like I'll freeze to death. [02:33] Todo     You're an idiot! [02:35] Kara     What's that? [02:36] Todo     Huh? SIGN    Horumon [02:36] Hata     Yakiniku, jo. Delicious yakiniku, jo.     It's delicious, jo. [02:41] Hata     Yakiniku, jo. Delicious yakiniku, jo. [02:43] Todo     What is this? It's yummy. [02:45] Kara     It's too good! [02:46] Hata     It's delicious, jo. [02:47] Todo     Hatabou, what kind of meat is this? [02:52] Kara     What kind of meat is this? [02:56] Oso     Er, Hatabou? [02:58] Oso     Seriously, what kind of meat is this? [03:01] Oso     Hey! [03:03] Oso     Hatabou! [03:04] Oso     What kind of meat is it?! SIGN    On Special! [03:05] Oso     Okay, seriously! What kind of meat is this? [03:10] Hata     Yay, jo. [03:12] Hata     I made a fortune again, jo. [03:16] Oso     Seriously, tell me what kind of meat this is! [03:19] Hata     You're all my friends, so you     don't have to hold back, jo. [03:22] All     Hatabou, what kind of meat is this?! SIGN    Let Me Sing Big SIGN    "School Matsu" [04:59] Choro     Yeah, what? What? [05:01] Choro     Whose turf you think yer on with     that smug face of yers, huh? [05:04] Choro     Huh? Huh?! What?! [05:08] Choro     You listening to me, huh?!     That's my spot, you asshole! [05:12] Choro     Don't ignore me, damn it! [05:16] Todo     The hell are you doing? Talk about lame. [05:20] Choro     You! Todomatsu! [05:22] Todo     Yo, Fappymatsu. [05:24] Choro     The hell?! I'm your senpai! [05:26] Todo     Hah! I never considered you my senpai! [05:30] Choro     You want a piece of me?! [05:32] Todo     I have a slight chance of     winning if it's against you! [05:40] Choro     Hey! [05:41] Choro     Have you ever been late? Huh?! [05:43] Todo     Of course I have! [05:46] Todo     Did you ever run in the halls, then? Huh?! [05:48] Choro     Of course not! [05:50] Todo     Lame! [05:51] Choro     The hell did you say?! [05:53] Kara     Hey, you guys! [05:54] Kara     Shut up, you idiots. [05:56] Choro     Th-That's... [05:58] Todo     The self-proclaimed fashion     leader, Karamatsu-san! [06:01] Choro     Wait, what's with that uniform?! [06:03] Choro     Your nipples are showing! [06:05] Kara     I know. Hot, right? [06:07] Todo     That's seriously insane! [06:09] Choro     That shaved line is crazy, too! [06:10] Kara     You look up to me now? [06:12] Choro     It's super insane. [06:15] Kara     And? Is it cool? [06:17] Both     It's insane. [06:18] Kara     I got that it's insane. But is it cool?! [06:21] Both     It's totally insane. [06:22] Kara     I'm asking you if it's c— [06:23] Both     It's super insane! [06:24] Kara     Seriously, is it— [06:24] Oso     Hey! [06:26] Oso     Hey, hey, hey! [06:28] Todo     That's... [06:29] Choro     The trash leader, Osomatsu-san! [06:31] Oso     Huh? Wha? Huh? What, what what?! [06:33] Oso     Huh?! Huh?! What?! [06:34] Oso     Huh? Wha? Huh? What?! SIGN    Unemployed is Just Fine [06:38] Oso     You guys bored? Huh?! [06:40] Oso     I'm asking if you guys are bored, too. Huh?! [06:43] Todo     Y-Yes... [06:44] Oso     You really bored? Super bored? [06:46] Oso     From day to night? You better     not be finding any dreams! [06:51] Oso     You mooching off your parents? [06:53] Oso     Are you talking about work, even     though you've never worked? Huh?! [06:56] Oso     You invite your friends out to drink [06:58] Oso     with every intention of having     them pay for you, huh?! SIGN    Rage [07:01] Choro     I'm sorry! [07:04] Oso     You straight-edge. [07:05] Todo     H-He's on a completely different level! [07:07] Oso     Listen up— [07:09] Girl     And then... [07:10] Girl     No way. [07:11] Girl     And then... [07:13] Oso     Hey! [07:15] Kara     Hey, that's enough, Osomatsu. [07:17] Oso     Huh? [07:18] Oso     The hell's your problem? You look super lame. [07:20] Oso     I've gotta wonder how you have     the nerve to dress like that. [07:28] Kara     Fight me, damn it! [07:30] Oso     Huh?! [09:17] Kara     O-Oh, shit... [09:19] Oso     The leader in the shadows,     Ichimatsu-san, is here... [09:23] Ichi     ksjdhfa [09:24] Oso     Huh?! Uh, yes. [09:25] Oso     You're absolutely right. [09:26] Ichi     laksdjteowikmnc [09:27] Kara     What? Really?! [09:29] Ichi     dfafgoiklnm,ad.s [09:32] Choro     Wow, that's crazy! [09:34] Ichi     akhsdoiqkqkqlnakjdnkaj     asjfjkafhkafkjkjas [09:39] Todo     Whoa! That's amazing! [09:40] Ichi     askjhfaskjkla! [09:41] Four     Sorry! [09:42] Ichi     asdjkahsd [09:43] Four     We're sorry! [09:44] Oso     Crap... I have absolutely     no idea what he's saying! [09:52] Ichi     asfdavmjkwg [09:53] Four     Sorry! [09:54] Ichi     rgtfcyi [09:55] Four     We're sorry! [09:56] Oso     Why?! Why are we getting yelled at? [10:25] Toto     What'd you say?! [10:28] All     Totoko-san! [10:30] Toto     Mackerel, salmon, mackerel, salmon! [10:33] Toto     Pacific bluefin tuna! SIGN    End SIGN    "Iyami's School" [10:41] Chibi     Welcome! The hell?! SIGN    4F Iyami's Comedy School [10:42] Chibi     You idjits! Damn it! [10:45] Chibi     So now, I'm going to introduce     the principal of this school, [10:49] Chibi     who'll be teaching you all     there is to know about comedy. [10:54] Chi     The person who took the world by storm! [10:56] Chibi     The star of the Showa Era! [10:58] Chibi     The con artist comedian with an     overbite, Iyami-sensei, you idjits! [11:03] Iya     Well, hello. Hello, hello. [11:05] Chibi     Yeah! King of Comedy! Woo! [11:08] Iya     Iyami's the name! [11:09] Chibi     Woo! [11:10] Iya     If we may get started, listen to this little tidbit. [11:13] Chibi     What's up? [11:15] Iya     The place me loves the most     is the department store. [11:19] Iya     Because... of my deppa (overbite)! [11:22] Iya     Yes, the deppartment store! [11:29] Iya     Sheeeh! [11:34] Chibi     I'm gonna die! You slay me! [11:36] Iya     And... [11:38] Iya     The food me loves the most... is teppanyaki. [11:42] Iya     Because of my deppa. [11:45] Iya     Yes! Deppanyaki! [11:51] Iya     Sheeeh! [11:56] Chibi     The same gag again? Really, you idjit! [11:57] Iya     This is what you call comedy! [12:03] Chibi     Man, that was a great lesson,     wasn't it, you idjits? [12:06] Chibi     See you tomorrow. [12:11] Chibi     Look how much we made     from that stupid lesson. [12:15] Iyami     School-related things are     going to be in from now on. [12:21] Chibi     Who is it, you idjits?     The lesson's already over— [12:23] Six     What up? [12:26] Six     We've come to do comedy! [12:29] Chibi     They're totally not taking this seriously... [12:31] Chibi     Hey! Who the hell are you guys? [12:33] Oso     Huh? I'm Osomatsu. I always got laughs in class. [12:37] Oso     I'll be big in no time. [12:39] Kara     I'm Karamatsu. I didn't get lucky in the actor biz. SIGN    Karamatsu [12:42] Kara     Want my autograph? [12:44] Choro     I'm Choromatsu. I'm experienced with retorts. [12:47] Choro     Also, I can do MC and panel comedy. [12:49] Ichi     I'm Ichimatsu. I wonder if the     crowd can keep up with my comedy. [12:53] Ichi     That's the only thing I'm worried about. [12:55] Jyu     I'm Jyushimatsu! Individuality? [12:57] Jyu     Logic? What the heck is that? [12:59] Jyu     All you need is excitement! [13:00] Todo     I'm Todomatsu! Don't call me a comedian. [13:03] Todo     I'm going for more of a pop image. [13:05] Oso     There you have it. [13:06] Six     Thanks for having us! [13:08] Chibi     What the hell is up with     that attitude of yours?! [13:10] Chibi     Don't you dare underestimate     comedy, you idjits! Damn it! [13:12] Iya     Chibita-kun, calm down. [13:15] Chibi     But, sir! [13:16] Iyami     They are still amateurs.     It's silly to get so angry. [13:21] Kara     So, when do I get to debut? [13:23] Todo     When can I be on TV? [13:26] Iya     You all seem pretty confident. [13:28] Oso     Well, yeah! I mean, TV is so boring these days. [13:32] Oso     If that's all they've got, we're much f— [13:34] Iya     Let me tell you something! [13:36] Iya     If you're going to be a professional,     don't say something isn't funny so lightly. [13:40] Iya     You need the right knowledge and     education to laugh at things. [13:44] Iya     Which means... [13:45] Iya     People like you who say something isn't funny [13:48] Iya     so easily is the same as saying     you're not funny yourself! [13:55] Chibi     H-Hey, why are you getting so serious? [13:58] Iya     We need to crush the egos of amateurs who     don't take this work seriously early on. [14:02] Chibi     You're the angriest one here! [14:04] Iya     You. Give me a one-liner. [14:07] Oso     Huh?! Right now? [14:08] Iya     Okay, 3, 2, 1. [14:10] Oso     W-Wait! I can't right now! [14:12] Oso     The mood's wrong and the hand-off was— [14:13] Iya     Sheeeh! [14:17] Iya     There's no option to not do it for such reasons! [14:20] Iya     You have nothing to defend,     and yet you're being defensive. [14:24] Choro     Indeed. Being a poser is never good. [14:26] Todo     And then? [14:29] Todo     And then, Iyami-sensei? [14:32] Iya     Sheeeh! [14:36] Iya     Cheap trick bastards like you     who can only mimic comedy things [14:39] Iya     you've seen piss me off the most! [14:40] Choo     Indeed, the type you see among students. [14:43] Todo     Aw, but I just want to be popular,     so I don't care if I'm not funny. [14:47] Iya     Let me tell you something! [14:50] Iya     Wanting to be popular is perfectly fine. [14:52] Iya     But in order to be funny, [14:53] Iya     you have to not want to be     popular to an excessive degree. [14:56] Iya     Would you be able to create     situations at mixers every night? [14:59] Iya     It'd be funnier if you weren't popular. [15:02] Iya     The dilemma of starting this     because you want to be popular, [15:04] Iya     when in truth, you're funnier     when you're unpopular! [15:05] Iya     Do you still think you could do it? [15:11] Choro     You have to sacrifice your private     life in order to be successful. [15:15] Ichi     Yeah, but being successful isn't everything. [15:18] Ichi     As long as I'm able to do what I want... [15:20] Iya     Let me tell you something! [15:23] Iya     Comedy is a service industry!     What people think of you is everything! [15:27] Iya     If you want to do what you want, [15:28] Iya     go to some underground theater and do     some independent crap, you moleman. [15:31] Ichi     Th-That's fine with me... [15:33] Iya     Is it really? [15:35] Iya     Stand-up comedians like that are only     allowed to say funny words! [15:38] Iya     Can you see yourself at over forty,     working your butt off at a convenience store, [15:42] Iya     and staking your life on witty comments?! [15:44] Ichi     That kind of... hell... [15:46] Iya     You need to be successful     in order to do what you want. [15:49] Choro     Yup. That's a pro. [15:51] Jyu     Then maybe I'll go for the surreal type. [15:54] Jyu     I'll garner attention with     my unpredictable styl— [15:56] Iya     Let me tell you something! [15:59] Iya     "Surreal" is the most dangerous word of all. [16:01] Iya     You're only surreal if you can be cliché. [16:03] Iya     Weirdos like you who ignore the     rules are just plain weirdos! [16:09] Iya     And... [16:11] Iya     True weirdos like you would     struggle in this day in age. [16:14] Iya     If you want to become a professional,     you need to put in some effort [16:17] Iya     rather than just rely on your foundation! [16:21] Choro     There aren't any successful people     who don't understand logic. [16:26] Kara     I think I've got the rules of comedy down now. [16:29] Iya     Oh? You wrote it all down? [16:31] Kara     In this business, effort is everything. [16:34] Iyami     Idiots who conscientiously     take notes on everything [16:36] Iyami     their master says can't be successful. [16:38] Kra     What?! [16:39] Iya     Having the nerve to ignore advice     creates just the right balance. [16:44] Kara     What am I supposed to believe?! [16:46] Choro     Hey, guys? You're way too shocked. [16:48] Choro     I'm sorry, Sensei. They're all stupid— [16:51] Iya     Let me be honest. You're the     worst out of all of them. [16:54] Choro     Huh? [16:56] Iya     You haven't done anything     original since you got here. [16:58] Iya     You're just making weak comments     in between actions to fill in pauses. [17:02] Iya     You talk like you understand,     but you understand nothing. [17:04] Iya     Guys like you are lame, gross, and painful before [17:06] Iya     we even consider if you're funny or not.     And me hates guys like you the most! [17:14] Chibi     U-Uh... I think that's enough... [17:17] Oso     Wh-What the hell?     All you're doing is complaining. [17:19] Todo     You're just finding fault with us. [17:20] Ichi     Y-You complainer. [17:22] Iya     What? Were you shocked by     the comments me gave you? [17:25] All     Of course! [17:27] Iya     Fine. Then we'll do a little experiment. [17:31] Iya     You, there. [17:32] Ichi     Huh? Me? [17:34] Iya     Make some joke with this tennis racket. [17:37] Ichi     Right now?! [17:38] Iya     You can't? [17:40] Ichi     I-I'll do it, but... [17:42] Ichi     Um... Oh. [17:44] Ichi     S-Strike. I'm an umpire. [17:49] Iya     That's very straightforward and funny. [17:51] Ichi     Huh? Really? [17:52] Chibi     What? I didn't laugh at all. [17:55] Ichi     Huh? [17:55] Chibi     It's too cliché, you idjit.     I've seen that before, anyway. [18:00] Iya     This time, you do it. [18:01] Jya     'Kay. Let's see... [18:05] Jya     Ah! [18:06] Jyu     It got huge! [18:07] Iya     Dirty jokes will scare people off! [18:11] Chibi     No, I actually thought that was hilarious. [18:13] Jyu     Really?! [18:14] Chi     But I'm pretty sure I've heard that somewhere. [18:17] Iya     That didn't bother me. [18:20] Jyu     Really?! [18:21] Todo     H-Hey, who's right here? [18:23] Kara     I'm confused about what's good or bad. [18:25] Iya     And that is comedy! [18:30] Iya     When you have fans, that means you'll     also have people who don't like you. [18:33] Iya     You want to satisfy both sides and     gain the support of thousands? [18:36] Iya     You need to leave that     up to the professionals! [18:39] Iya     Which means if lies and complaints bother     you, you won't be able to keep it up. [18:43] Iya     You need to strengthen yourself mentally! [18:47] Iya     Listen up. [18:49] Iya     This is the most important thing. SIGN    Pro          Amateur SIGN    Wants to be a comedian Popular in class A-kun SIGN    Loves variety Face is ugly B-kun SIGN    Good at retorts Postcard writer C-kun [18:52] Iya     You're going to enter this business with the [18:55] Iya     experiences and confidence you already had, [18:57] Iya     and you'll try to gain even more ability... But! [19:01] Iya     That's a mistake to begin with! [19:03] Iya     The first step to becoming a professional     is to take all of your experiences and... [19:07] Iya     Sheeeh! [19:09] Iya     You need to throw them all away     and go back to zero, to an amateur! [19:13] Iya     That is truly the first step     to becoming a professional! [19:22] Deka     You guys, when you open for your senpais, [19:25] Deka     you need to make sure not to get too many laughs. [19:28] Choro     Huh? Really? [19:30] Dayo     When you guys go on, we'll introduce     you as the "Super Funny Sextuplets." [19:35] Todo     Hey, come on. Don't raise the bar for us. [19:40] Iya     I forgot to mention this, [19:41] Iya     but talking with dressing room guys who     haven't been successful on stage [19:45] Iya     is super boring, and won't be any benefit to you. [19:47] ---     Okay. [19:52] Iya     Watch my jokes and learn. [19:55] Six     Okay. [19:56] Iya     Akatsuka-sensei, Akatsuka-sensei...     Please watch over me so I succeed... [20:00] Chibi     Hey, guys... [20:01] Chibi     Make sure you pay really close     attention to Iyami-sensei on stage. [20:08] Voice     And next, we have this man...     The superstar from the Showa Era, Iyami! [20:17] Iya     Y-Yes, yes... Y-Yes, h-hello... [20:24] ---     Huh? It shouldn't be like this... Huh? [20:27] Iya     Huh? It shouldn't be like this... H-Huh? [20:32] Iya     H-Here's a little tidbit. I... I love     department stores because I've got an overbite. [20:45] Iya     Sh-Sh... Sh-Sheeeh... [20:54] Chibi     See? Even if you understand how it works, [20:56] Chibi     if you can't actually do it,     it makes no difference. [20:58] Chibi     If it were that easy, anyone could     make a living with comedy. [21:02] Chibi     Conclusion: if you can, avoid this business! [21:09] Oso     Okay... Let's give up on comedy. [21:12] Five     Yeah, let's give up. [21:13] Crowd     Are you all right?! [21:15] Crowd     Get a hold of yourself! [21:16] Crowd     Call an ambulance! [22:48] Oso     Man, I've had enough of comedy. [22:51] Choro     I don't think comedy was for us, anyway. [22:54] Kara     We didn't have any luck. [22:55] Todo     Actually, what's gonna be in from now on is this! SIGN    Yoyomatsu Voice Acting Academy [23:00] Six     Voice acting! [23:01] Ichi     Heh. Now I only need to use my voice. [23:04] Jyu     I have a feeling I can do this. [23:05] Choro     If you look even half-decent,     you're considered hot. [23:08] Todo     We could probably keep our private     lives even if we become famous. [23:11] Oso     It's, like, perfect in all sorts of ways. [23:14] Five     Yeah! Being a voice actor is perfect! [23:17] Toto     Hey. [23:19] Six     Ah! Totoko-chan! [23:21] Toto     You guys need to project from your bellies! [23:24] Toto     Dumbass! [23:25] Toto     Project... [23:26] Toto     From your... [23:27] Toto     Bellies! [23:28] Toto     Come on! [23:31] Toto     Don't underestimate professionals, damn it! SIGN    The End SIGN    Next Time on Osomatsu-san SIGN    "Mahjong" "God Matsu"