E2 - Delivery

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:05] Choro
    Hey, it's been a while.
[00:06] Todo
    It has.
[00:07] Choro
    How long has it been?
[00:08] Todo
    Since we ate at that shop in Nishi Azabu?
[00:09] Choro
    Man, that place was great.
SIGN    Third  Son
SIGN    Matsuno  Choromatsu
SIGN    Fourth Son
SIGN    Matsuno  Ichimatsu
SIGN    Youngest  Son
SIGN    Matsuno Todomatsu
SIGN    Dimwit Generation
[00:19] Choro
    Well, by some miracle,
SIGN    Fourth Son
    Matsuno Ichimatsu
SIGN    Third Son
    Matsuno Choromatsu
SIGN    Youngest Son
    Matsuno Todomatsu
[00:21] Choro
    our third season has started.
[00:23] Todo
    Yeah.
[00:24] choro
    What are we supposed to do now?
[00:27] Choro
    What does society want from us?
SIGN    What do they want from us?
[00:30] Todo
    I don't think they want anything.
[00:32] Todo
    No one expects a damn thing from us.
[00:34] Todo
    Right, Ichimatsu-niisan?
[00:39] Todo
    You should probably talk,
    since we're on TV and all.
[00:43] Todo
    Want to go home, then?
[00:43] Choro
    S-Say, you two.
[00:45] Choro
    Why don't we talk about our passionate
    hopes and excitement for season 3?
SIGN    Excitement for season 3
[00:50] Todo
    What? No way. What a pain.
[00:52] Choro
    Hey.
[00:53] Choro
    Hey!
[00:54] Todo
    You're sure rarin' to go, Choromatsu-niisan.
[00:56] Choro
    Don't say that.
[00:58] Ichi
    Always trying to put yourself
    out there, Fapttish Fold.
[01:01] Choro
    Who the hell are you calling Fapttish Fold?!
[01:04] Choro
    What do you guys think we should do, then?
[01:07] Ichi
    Let's end this today.
[01:08] Choro
    What?!
[01:09] Ichi
    We're trying too hard with a third season.
[01:11] Ichi
    Our generation is over.
SIGN    Our generation is over
[01:14] Todo
    Well, that was certainly profound.
[01:16] Choro
    What's so funny about that?
[01:19] Todo
    Well, first off, with season 3...
[01:21] Todo
    We probably shouldn't show the other three.
[01:24] Todo
    I don't think this show will ever
    be popular with them in it.
[01:28] Both
    Yeah, for real, right?
[01:30] Choro
    Well said, Totty! The three
    of us aren't too bad.
[01:34] Choro
    It's the other three who are messed up.
SIGN    The other three
[01:36] Ichi
    Yeah. We all know that.
[01:38] Todo
    I heard that those three are all still NEETs!
[01:41] Both
    What?!
[01:43] Todo
    Here's the kicker. They've never had
    girlfriends and are still virgins.
[01:47] Both
    What?!
[01:48] Choro
    Those poor fools.
[01:50] Ichi
    Those poor fools.
[01:52] Todo
    So, yeah, the oldest one...
    What's his name again?
[01:56] Choro
    I don't even want to say it. Osomatsu?
[01:58] Todo
    Yeah, yeah, that dude.
[01:59] Choro
    That guy should never be allowed on TV.
[02:02] Choro
    You need to mosaic his whole self.
[02:05] Ichi
    The second oldest, Shittymatsu,
    is ***. So he's **** and .
[02:10] Ichi
    He's messing with the law here.
[02:12] Ichi
    Someone throw his ass in jail already!
[02:14] Todo
    So the yellow guy who's the fifth brother...
[02:16] Todo
    You know, I think he's
    messing with something.
[02:18] Choro
    Totally!
[02:19] Ichi
    Totally.
[02:20] Todo
    I mean, you don't act like that if you're not.
[02:23] Todo
    He's way too eccentric!
[02:25] Todo
    So as the normal ones, we three
    have to do our best for season 3.
[02:29] Todo
    Let's get rid of those idiots.
    Starting today, we're triplets.
[02:31] Choro
    Yeah! That's a great idea.
[02:34] Ichi
    Yeah, but, like...
[02:36] Ichi
    The other three are probably going
    to turn up on this show next week.
[02:40] Todo
    That's right!
[02:41] Choro
    Those three are definitely
    going to pull something!
[02:45] All
    Please don't watch next week!
SIGN    "Hatabou EATS"
[04:25] Hata
    I'm here to pick up, jo.
[04:27] Chibi
    Here you go, thanks.
[04:32] Hata
    Jo!
[04:34] Hata
    Jo...
[04:36] Oso
    You got this? You good?
[04:38] ---
    I think that's too much for you, Hatabou.
[04:39] Chibi
    Why did you even start this job?
SIGN    Hatabou
[04:43] Chibi
    Come on, Osomatsu.
[04:44] Oso
    Yeah.
[04:49] Oso
    There. You good now?
[04:50] Hata
    Yup. Thanks, jo.
[04:53] Hata
    Here I go, jo.
SIGN    Hybrid Oden
[04:56] Oso
    Yeah, I don't see this working.
[04:59] Chibi
    Don't give up yet! There's still a chance.
SIGN    Hybrid Oden
[05:09] Hata
    Jo!
[05:10] Chibi
    Well? You good now?
[05:12] Hata
    Yup. Thanks, jo.
[05:14] Hata
    I'm off to make my delivery, jo.
SIGN    Hybrid Oden
SIGN    Hybrid Oden
[05:25] Hata
    Thanks. I'm off to make my delivery, jo.
[05:29] Oso
    He finally made it!
[05:31] Chibi
    Hell yeah!
[05:32] Oso
    You've got this, Hatabou!
[05:33] Chibi
    You can do it, Hatabou!
[05:36] Oso
    Yeah! Look at you go!
[05:36] Chibi
    Yeah!
[05:49] Iya
    You're late!
[05:50] Uggo
    What time do you think it is?!
[05:52] Hata
    Thanks for waiting, jo.
    Here's the food you ordered, jo.
[05:58] Iyami
    Sheeeh! Sheh!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Let's Be Quiet at Night"
[06:21] Guy
    Isn't it great?
[06:33] Guy
    We should be okay now...
[06:36] Girl
    Thank goodness.
SIGN    End
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[07:08] Narr
    Enter this woman.
[07:10] Narr
    She hates hard work.
    She hates making an effort.
[07:13] Nar
    She hates anything tiring.
[07:15] Nar
    Her only weapon is how cute her face is.
SIGN    Sham
SIGN    Surgeon: Yowai Totoko
SIGN    Matsu
[07:31] Choro
    Hey! Yowai Totoko still isn't here?
[07:34] Oso
    That woman's late again!
[07:35] Kara
    Who does she think she is? No one
    should be that much of a free spirit!
[07:41] Jyushi
    Stop trying to act all cool!
[07:43] ---
    You're ridiculously late!
[07:44] Jyushi
    At least apologize for being late!
[07:47] Toto
    I will not.
[07:48] Ichi
    If you can't wake up in the morning,
    use an alarm clock.
[07:50] Toto
    I will not.
[07:52] Kara
    You're an adult! Do everything
    five minutes early!
[07:54] Toto
    I will not.
[07:55] Choro
    Why?! Why are you late
    every single morning?!
[08:05] Toto
    Well, I can't wake up in the morning.
[08:10] All
    Huh?
[08:11] Toto
    Tehehe!
[08:13] All
    She's so cute!
[08:14] Choro
    Well, it is hard to wake 
    up early in the morning.
[08:17] Ichi
    Only stupid people wake up early.
[08:18] Oso
    We don't care as long as
    you come by every day!
[08:28] Jyushi
    Oh, no! It's an emergency!
[08:30] Oso
    Someone needs to do CPR!
[08:31] Jyushi
    How do you do that?
[08:32] Oso
    I don't know!
[08:34] Choro
    Yowai-kun!
[08:36] Choro
    You know how to do CPR, right?
[08:38] Choro
    We need you to do that
    for this patient immediately.
[08:40] Toto
    I will not.
[08:41] Kara
    CPR! Now!
[08:42] Toto
    I will not.
[08:43] Todo
    Hurry!
[08:44] Toto
    I will not.
[08:45] Choro
    Why?! Why won't you perform CPR?!
[08:53] Toto
    Because my first kiss is going
    to be with someone I love!
[08:58] Choro
    Aw, shucks! She's so pure!
[09:00] Todo
    You'd never know she hasn't had
    her first kiss yet, as cute as she is.
[09:03] Jyu
    I'm gonna be her first!
[09:04] Some
    No, me!
[09:05] Some
    No, me!
SIGN    Operation in Progress
[09:19] Oso
    An emergency operation?
    Idiots like us can't do this.
[09:22] All
    Yeah.
[09:23] Choro
    She's the only one we can count on here.
[09:29] Choro
    Yowai-sensei, please perform
    this surgery for us!
[09:32] Toto
    I will not.
[09:33] Kara
    The patient's life is at stake here!
[09:35] Toto
    I will not.
[09:36] Jyushi
    Do the operation, please?
[09:37] Toto
    I will not.
[09:38] Choro
    Why?! Why do you so vehemently
    refuse to operate?!
[09:46] Toto
    The sight of blood scares me.
[09:49] All
    Really?!
[09:51] Choro
    You're a doctor, but blood
    scares you? How cute is that?
SIGN    Invoice Dear Akatsuka University Hospital, I am invoicing the following  as the surgery fee.  I request your prompt payment.  Thank you very much. Yowai Totoko
SIGN    Invoice Dear Akatsuka University Hospital, I am invoicing the following as the exam fee.  I request your prompt payment.  Thank you very much. Yowai Totoko
SIGN    Invoice
    Dear Akatsuka University Hospital,
    I am invoicing the following as
     the making me come to work fee.
    
    I request your prompt payment. 
    Thank you very much.
    Yowai Totoko
[10:08] Toto
    A person's worth totally
    lies in their appearance.
[10:13] Some
    I know, right?!
SIGN    Director's Office
[10:14] Some
    Yeah!
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Triangle Pop"
SIGN    Full Color Baseball 
    Photo Directory
    
    Professional Player
     Profiles with Photos
[10:26] Kara
    Man, NEETs have so much time
    on their hands, Jyushimatsu.
[10:29] Jyushi
    We sure do, Karamatsu-niisan.
[10:31] Kara
    We really need to find something to do.
[10:34] Jyushi
    Yeah.
[10:35] Kara
    Huh?
[10:38] Jyushi
    What's up?
[10:40] Kara
    What is this?
SIGN    All You Can Drink
    Just 300 yen
[10:42] Kara
    It's an ad for a pervy shop.
[10:43] Jyushi
    They don't usually have those
    at convenience stores.
[10:46] Jyushi
    That's rare.
[10:46] Kara
    All you can drink for 300 yen?
    That's pretty cheap.
SIGN    You can pick whoever you want
SIGN    We want to be your Number 1
[10:51] Kara
    And they're all super cute!
[10:53] Kara
    They all look like celebrities!
[10:54] Jyushi
    Wow.
SIGN    We love you!
SIGN    We're waiting for you,  Karamatsu-kun
[10:56] Kara
    What?!
[10:57] Kara
    What's going on here?!
[10:58] Kara
    Why is this addressed to me?!
[11:05] Jyushi
    Here's the real one!
SIGN    Let's all have fun 
    getting our 
    driver's licenses!
[11:08] Kara
    Yeh.
[11:09] Jyushi
    Yeh.
SIGN    "Chair"
[11:39] Jyushi
    And... safe.
[11:40] Kara
    Way to go, Jyushimatsu.
[11:42] Jyushi
    Yeh.
SIGN    End
SIGN    Matsuno
SIGN    Delivery
SIGN    Matsuno
SIGN    Delivery
[11:48] Guy
    Delivery!
[11:51] Todo
    Yes?
[11:51] Guy
    Are you one of the Matsuno sextuplets?
[11:54] Todo
    Huh? Well, yeah, I'm the
    youngest and cutest sextuplet.
[11:58] Guy
    I've got a delivery for you.
[12:00] Todo
    Wha?
[12:01] Todo
    Huh?
[12:05] Choro
    T-Twin AIs?
[12:09] Twins
    Yes!
[12:10] Oso
    Wait. What does "AI" mean again?
[12:13] Kra
    AI... I've heard of that before.
[12:15] Kra
    But what is it?
[12:16] Todo
    What?! You guys don't know what AI means?
[12:19] Todo
    We're in the Reiwa era, you know!
[12:22] Todo
    Seriously? Get a clue, you dumb NEETs.
[12:24] Jyushi
    I guess Totty knows.
[12:26] Oso
    Way to go! Now fill us idiots in.
[12:31] Both
    So you don't know!
[12:32] Choro
    You're not cute at all, you know that?!
[12:34] Big
    AI stands for...
[12:36] Little
    AI stands for...
[12:37] Big
    Artificial intelligence.
[12:39] Little
    Basically...
[12:40] Both
    Man-made intelligence.
[12:45] All
    Oh, of course.
[12:47] Big
    I'm sure you know from watching the news
    that we are entering an age in which
[12:51] Big
    you'll be living alongside AI, right?
[12:56] Six
    Of course.
[12:58] Big
    They say that the realization of AI
    like us for general use is impossible,
[13:03] Little
    but there are places where
    it has been successful,
[13:06] Little
    and we're now going to be
    distributed to you humans.
[13:09] Big
    The more you use us,
     the more we change to fit your needs
[13:13] Big
    as we continue to adjust our algorithm.
[13:15] Little
    We use big data.
[13:17] Big
    Natural language processing.
[13:18] Little
    Machine learning.
[13:19] Big
    Deep learning.
[13:20] Little
    Neural network.
[13:21] Big
    Singularity!
[13:23] Both
    Well?
[13:25] Both
    Do you understand now?
[13:26] Oso
    I-I didn't understand a damn thing you said!
[13:29] Ichi
    I'm dizzy...
[13:30] Jyushi
    I have a fever now!
[13:31] Choro
    This is all way too advanced!
    We're from the Showa era!
[13:34] Kara
    I mean, we barely know
    what microcomputers are.
[13:37] Choro
    Yeah.
[13:38] Todo
    That's too old.
[13:38] Jyushi
    Famicom.
[13:39] Todo
    Too old.
[13:40] Old
    We've come to make all of you humans happy.
[13:43] Little
    We are support AI.
    Please use us however you'd like.
[13:47] Ichi
    You guys are shady.
[13:48] Choro
    Seriously, what?
[13:49] Choro
    More importantly, who made you guys?
[13:52] Ichi
    Who sent you guys?
[13:53] Choro
    Where were you made?
[13:57] Ichi
    See? They shut up.
[13:58] Choro
    That's super shady.
[13:59] Jyushi
    Where did you guys come from?
[14:02] Both
    Whisper, whisper, whisper.
[14:05] Jyushi
    They said the third sector.
[14:07] All
    Third sector?
[14:09] Jyu
    Apparently the NPO.
[14:10] All
    NPO?
[14:11] Todo
    What's that again?
[14:12] Ichi
    Shady, I tell you.
[14:14] Ichi
    Let's ask them to leave.
[14:16] Choro
    Yeah.
[14:17] Both
    Wait, wait, wait!
[14:18] Oso
    Why, though?! This seems awesome!
[14:19] Choro
    Huh?
[14:20] Jyushi
    Let's try them out!
[14:21] Ichi
    Seriously? Why would we do that?
[14:25] Big
    Please use us.
[14:26] Little
    Please use us.
[14:27] Both
    You are very lucky people who
    were chosen from the many.
[14:32] Oso
    Wait! We were chosen?!
[14:35] Jyushi
    Heck yeah! I have no idea what's
    going on, but heck yeah!
[14:37] Kara
    Well, we are stars. I see.
[14:40] Kara
    You should've told us that earlier.
[14:41] Todo
    Being told that we're chosen has me hyped!
[14:47] Oso
    So... why did you choose us?
[14:50] Big
    Because you're that type of people.
[14:53] All
    Huh?
[14:54] Kara
    What type?
[14:56] Little
    When they were discussing what kind of
    people they should send support AIs to,
[14:59] Little
    it was decided that they needed
    to help out all the messed-up
[15:04] Little
    bottom feeders at the bottom
    of the social pyramid.
[15:08] Kara
    What the hell kind of reason is that?!
[15:10] Todo
    It was out of pity?! Don't give us that!
[15:12] Little
    Please look at this memo.
[15:13] Both
    Memo?
SIGN    Client Memo
    Matsuno    Osomatsu | Eldest
                Karamatsu | 2nd 
              Choromatsu | 3rd
                 Ichimatsu | 4th
             Jyushimatsu | 5th
               Todomatsu | 6th
[15:15] Little
    There are support levels.
[15:17] Little
    Let's say a helpless baby that
    can't take care of itself is a 10.
[15:22] Little
    The Matsuno sextuplets have
    been placed at 4,200.
[15:27] Kara
    Are we that screwed?!
[15:29] Big
    Anyway, we look forward to...
[15:31] Both
    ...working with you from now on.
[15:33] Six
    Get out!
[15:34] Oso
    Scram!
[15:36] Oso
    No one asked for your help, jackasses!
[15:37] Todo
    Leave us alone! We're living our best lives!
[15:40] Jyushi
    Even pieces of shit have some pride!
[15:42] Big
    But it'd be very convenient if you used us.
[15:45] All
    Shut up!
[15:45] Little
    We'll help you out.
[15:47] All
    Shut up!
[15:47] Both
    We'll do whatever you ask us to.
[15:51] Oso
    A-Anything, you say?
[15:53] Jyushi
    Really?
[15:54] Both
    Yes!
[15:56] Choro
    Wha?
[15:56] Ichi
    Wha?
[15:57] Oso
    I guess I'll just ask for one thing, then...
[15:59] Both
    Hey!
[16:00] Oso
    You see... Mom asked me to clean up today.
[16:04] Oso
    Would you guys be able to do that for me?
[16:06] Both
    As you wish.
[16:09] Both
    Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...
[16:15] Oso
    Wow, not bad, artificial whatsits.
SIGN    Trash Schedule
[16:22] Jyushi
    Wow, you're so good!
[16:25] Kara
    Hey, not bad.
[16:27] Both
    We bought what you asked for.
[16:29] Todo
    Thanks so much! You guys are lifesavers!
[16:31] Jyushi
    Hey! What about this?
SIGN    Shogi
SIGN    Denmatsu Battle
[16:37] Little
    Fifty seconds.
[16:39] Little
    One, two, three, four...
[16:45] Jyushi
    I've lost.
[16:46] Big
    Thank you very much.
[16:51] Jyushi
    Holy crap! AI is no joke!
[16:53] Jyushi
    Chida-san!
[16:55] Oso
    Should I put everything on Cowboy?
SIGN    Derby
[16:57] Oso
    Which horse is gonna be lucky?
    Damn it! I have no idea...
[17:04] Oso
    For real?! You guys can even do that?!
[17:06] Oso
    I love you!
[17:08] Kara
    Karamatsu Fantasy!
[17:11] Sign
    Karamatsu
[17:14] Sign
    Karamatsu
[17:14] Sign
    You're #1
[17:14] Big
    You're so cool, Karamatsu!
[17:16] Little
    You're the best in the world!
[17:19] Kara
    Thank you, thank you!
[17:21] Todo
    Man, this is the best...
[17:26] Todo
    AI is the... best...
[17:29] ---
    AI...
[17:30] Todo
    AI!
[17:32] Todo
    AI!
[17:35] Nyaa
    Come on, let's go!
[17:37] Nyaa
    Which do you think looks better on mew?
[17:48] Choro
    VR is awesome! AI is awesome!
[17:52] Ichi
    You bastard. You betrayed me.
[17:57] Oso
    All right, did everyone get one?
[17:59] Todo
    Good work, guys!
[18:01] Jyushi
    Good work!
[18:04] Oso
    Come on, you two, take a load off.
[18:07] Oso
    We're basically family now!
[18:09] Kara
    Looking forward to a long
    future with you, Brothers!
[18:12] Jyushi
    Wipey, wipey. Wipey, wipey.
[18:15] Big
    We're very happy that we've
    been of use to you all.
[18:18] Little
    Yes, very happy.
[18:19] Big
    Isn't that great?
[18:21] Both
    Right?
[18:22] Todo
    Y-You're so cute!
[18:24] Kara
    So precious, my angels!
[18:27] Todo
    You're the best!
[18:29] Kara
    You're so cute!
[18:31] Oso
    So, hey... Just curious.
[18:35] Oso
    Do you guys know how to use the internet?
[18:37] Big
    The internet? Of course!
[18:39] Little
    We love the internet!
     What would you like us to do?
[18:43] Oso
    Play some porn for us.
[18:47] Oso
    Huh? Wait, what?
[18:49] Oso
    Uh, could you play some porn...
[18:53] Oso
    Hey, what the hell?!
    They stopped responding!
[18:56] All
    Hey, you're gonna break them!
[18:57] Both
    Compliance function activated.
[18:59] Oso
    Seriously?! Why the hell do you
    have that stupid function?!
[19:02] Oso
    Into the trash you go!
[19:03] All
    Hey!
[19:04] Big
    Excuse me.
[19:07] Big
    Our batteries are about to run out.
    Please recharge us.
[19:11] Todo
    Huh? Batteries?
[19:12] Todo
    Sure... but how?
[19:20] Todo
    Oh, so that's how. That turned
    old-school real fast.
[19:25] Choro
    Is this really okay?
[19:26] Todo
    What's wrong?
[19:27] Choro
    I mean, it's really convenient
    having them around.
[19:31] Choro
    They help out a lot. But... I don't know...
[19:35] Oso
    What the hell? You sure know
    how to rain on our parade, man.
[19:39] Choro
    I mean, we're NEETs.
    Yet we get these things?
[19:44] Choro
    Is this really okay?
[19:50] Choro
    Is this really okay? I don't think it is.
[19:53] Oso
    You can still say that?
    You're somehow amazing.
[19:55] Todo
    You're having more fun than anyone else.
[19:57] Choro
    Yeah, let's not use these things.
[20:00] Choro
    Let's return them.
[20:01] All
    Huh?!
[20:01] Kara
    What are you talking about?!
[20:02] Jyushi
    But we need them!
[20:03] Choro
    But we're NEETs, so we shouldn't have them.
[20:06] Big
    What's so bad about being NEETs?
[20:10] All
    Huh?
[20:12] Big
    Working comes with its share of risks.
[20:15] Big
    There is data concerning both
    physical and mental risks.
[20:19] Little
    In the past, humans created things
    like us so they'd have less work to do.
[20:24] Little
    Then technology advanced
    further and further,
[20:27] Little
    so humans don't have to
    work as much anymore.
[20:30] Big
    That's a wonderful thing.
[20:31] Little
    It's lovely.
[20:33] Big
    So we think that's perfectly fine.
[20:35] Little
    There's no reason for you
    to worry about being NEETs.
SIGN    Matsuno
[20:47] Big
    Thank you very much for today.
[20:49] Little
    We'll support your daily
    lives again next time.
[20:52] Both
    Goodbye.
[20:59] Oso
    W-We're NEETs, and yet...
[21:02] Kara
    They didn't look down on us.
[21:04] Jyushi
    I think... this is the first time.
[21:06] Todo
    Holy crap... AI is amazing...
[21:09] Choro
    Those guys are so frickin' amazing!
[21:14] Choro
    I can't stop crying!
[21:15] Jyushi
    Choromatsu-niisan!
[21:16] Oso
    Choromatsu!
[21:20] All
    They're so amazing!
[21:35] Big
    Little by little...
[21:36] Little
    Little by little...
SIGN    A Few Days Later
[23:15] Choro
    Say, we never asked for your names.
[23:19] Choro
    What are they?
[23:20] Big
    We do not have names.
[23:22] Little
    We do not.
[23:23] Big
    So please give us names.
[23:25] Little
    Please.
[23:26] Choro
    Huh? Me?
[23:31] Choro
    Names?
[23:32] Oso
    Names, huh?
[23:38] Oso
    Riceballs!
[23:39] Choro
    Wha?
[23:40] Oso
    You're Salmon, and you're Pickled Plum.
[23:43] Oso
    Got it?
[23:44] Both
    Yes, sir.
SIGN    End
[23:46] Choro
    What?! That's random as hell!
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Estimated Value"  etc.