E19 - Dogs

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "Are They Disbanding?"
[00:08] ume
    No one's laughing at our jokes.
[00:09] shake
    Yeah.
[00:11] ume
    Comedy is so hard. We haven't been
    able to create the right algorithm.
[00:14] Ume
    What does "You're so funny that
    no one's laughing" even mean?
SIGN    Comedy Theory:  Unknown
[00:17] Ume
    Then there's the opposite, "You're so
    not funny, it's hilarious." The hell?
[00:21] Ume
    What does it all mean?!
     What's the right answer?!
[00:26] Shake
    Yeah.
[00:27] Ume
    Crap. We're never going to win
    the competition like this.
[00:30] Ume
    The prelims for the A-1 Grand Prix
     are going to start soon.
[00:34] Ume
    Gosh, I'd love to make it to the finals.
     I'd love to win even more.
[00:38] Shake
    Yeah.
[00:39] Ume
    No, no. I need to stop daydreaming
    and think about our show tomorrow.
[00:44] Ume
    What routine should we use?
[00:46] Ume
    We need to be popular at our
    shows to win at the A-1, too.
SIGN    A-1 Semifinal
[00:50] Ume
    The semifinal round is a
    live performance, after all.
[00:54] Ume
    If we manage to capture the crowd,
    they'll laugh and clap.
[00:57] Ume
    If the crowd loves us, the judges
    will have to let us through.
[01:01] Ume
    But if we get through that
    and make it to the finals,
[01:05] Ume
    we'll be on TV next. That's the hard part.
[01:09] Ume
    I mean, we made our routine
    for a live audience, not TV.
[01:13] Ume
    If we do a routine for a live audience,
[01:15] Ume
    we might make it through the prelims.
[01:17] Ume
    But the finals are going to be on live TV,
[01:20] Ume
    so things might be too different,
    and people might not find us funny.
[01:23] Ume
    How do we figure out that balance?
SIGN    A-1 Grand Prix Routine 3-5
SIGN    Pickled Plum: Hello, I'm Pickled Plum.  Salmon: Hello, I'm Salmon. And together, we're the Riceballs.  Pickled Plum: (Fill in with recent joke) Salmon: (Reply with something that's older) Pickled Plum: That's old! That's got  nothing to do with this! Salmon: (Ask the crowd) -> (But what if we're in a studio?) Pickled Plum: Don't ask people for help!  Don't trouble our audience like that! Salmon: (Suddenly change the subject) Make sure to grab the audience  to make them think we're funnier ->  (That'll make the judges think better of us)
SIGN    Lines are too long and we go over our time ->  If we're in studio, they'll just edit us
SIGN    Pickled Plum: Wow, you suddenly  changed the subject. And? Salmon: Well, I was just thinking rating others is hard.  An idol asked me to rate her,  but she's not cute at all. She keeps coming back  wearing these costumes, but they're all like fish.  Not to mention, they're all really creepy.  Where did she even get those?  Why would you even decide  to be a sea urchin or a nautilus? Just explaining the situation isn't funny Pickled Plum: Wait, what are  you even talking about? This might be funny live Try doing over the top  gestures here (Algorithm pattern MI5)
[01:25] Ume
    What is the right balance?
[01:27] Ume
    This is too complicated for an AI!
    I want humans to think we're funny!
[01:31] Ume
    I want them to laugh!
[01:36] Ume
    Salmon, are you listening?
[01:38] Shake
    Huh?
[01:39] Ume
    Why are you playing games?
    I'm trying to think up routines here.
[01:43] Shake
    Sorry.
[01:46] Ume
    You need to take this more seriously.
    Otherwise, we'll never make it to the finals.
[01:50] Ume
    Are you even trying?
[01:52] Shake
    Yeah.
[01:53] Ume
    Are you putting in any effort?
[01:54] Shake
    Yeah.
[01:55] Ume
    What are you even doing? Have you been
    going out drinking with our seniors,
[01:59] Ume
    thinking up jokes,
    and doing stuff for comedy?
[02:01] Shake
    Don't pressure me like this.
[02:02] Ume
    Are you thinking up funny situations?
    Watching other comedians?
[02:05] Shake
    I said don't pressure me!
[02:06] Shake
    I know you're nervous with
    the competition coming up,
[02:09] Shake
    but don't put pressure on me
    to relieve your own stress!
[02:11] Ume
    You haven't even memorized our routines.
[02:14] Ume
    Why do you keep messing them up?
[02:15] Ume
    You get the pauses and the nuances wrong, too.
[02:18] Ume
    You're not even writing the routines,
    so at least memorize them.
[02:21] Shake
    You're able to memorize them
    quickly because you're writing them!
[02:24] Ume
    Huh?
[02:25] Shake
    I'm grateful that you're writing our routines.
SIGN    Lines are too long and we go over our time ->  If we're in studio, they'll just edit us
SIGN    Pickled Plum: Wow, you suddenly  changed the subject. And? Salmon: Well, I was just thinking rating others is hard.  An idol asked me to rate her,  but she's not cute at all. She keeps coming back  wearing these costumes, but they're all like fish.  Not to mention, they're all really creepy.  Where did she even get those?  Why would you even decide  to be a sea urchin or a nautilus? Just explaining the situation isn't funny Pickled Plum: Wait, what are  you even talking about? This might be funny live Try doing over the top  gestures here (Algorithm pattern MI5)
[02:27] Shake
    But it's harder being the one
    who doesn't write them.
[02:30] Shake
    Must be nice, having it in your head
     already because you wrote it.
[02:34] Shake
    Also, you give me the scripts way too late.
[02:37] Shake
    I can't memorize a new
    routine the day before!
[02:40] Ume
    Maybe if you were human!
[02:42] ume
    AIs should be able to memorize them quickly!
[02:45] shake
    Maybe if we were actually decent AIs!
[02:48] shake
    We can't! Look how messed up we are!
[02:51] ume
    I'm always the one who makes you funny.
[02:54] Shake
    Wow! If you say that to your partner,
    we're finished!
[02:57] Shake
    I'm the one who always makes you funny!
[03:00] Ume
    You just said it yourself!
[03:01] Ume
    You need to work harder!
[03:02] Shake
    I am working hard!
[03:03] Ume
    You need to think about me more!
[03:04] Shake
    And you need to think about me!
[03:09] Both
    Hmph!
[03:13] Ume
    We might be at our limit.
[03:16] Ume
    Maybe... we should think about disbanding.
[03:23] Oso
    Yeah, it must be rough to
    keep up a comedy duo.
[03:27] Shake
    So, Osomatsu-kun, could you
    talk to Pickled Plum for me?
[03:31] Oso
    Nah, too much work.
[03:33] Shake
    Please!
[03:34] Oso
    Uh...
[03:36] Choro
    That sounds rough.
[03:37] Choro
    But why not wait a bit
    longer before you disband?
[03:41] Choro
    Don't worry. I'll try talking to Salmon.
[03:46] Ume
    Thank you, Choromatsu-kun.
[03:46] Shake
    Please, Osomatsu-kun.
[03:51] Oso
    Nah, nah, nah.
[03:52] Choro
    Nah, nah, nah.
[03:53] Oso
    Salmon's doing his best.
[03:55] Choro
    So is Pickled Plum.
[03:56] Oso
    Pickled Plum is way too logical.
    He thinks way too much.
[04:00] Oso
    Why not forget all the minor
    details and just have fun?
[04:05] Choro
    That's exactly what an amateur would think.
[04:07] Choro
    Sure, that sounds nice,
    and it might be correct,
[04:10] Choro
    but being that half-assed isn't
    going to get them anywhere.
[04:13] Choro
    They need to think all of this through.
[04:15] Oso
    Even so, Salmon's doing his best here.
[04:18] Oso
    You need to at least acknowledge that,
     or he won't be able to stay motivated.
[04:22] Choro
    I know he's trying, but it's not enough.
    That's why we're discussing this.
[04:25] Choro
    I think I'm the one who really
    wants these two to succeed here.
[04:29] Oso
    You're way too serious.
[04:30] Choro
    And you're way too half-assed.
[04:32] Oso
    Being the funny one is difficult.
    Must be nice being you.
[04:35] Oso
    People think you're actually the proper one.
[04:38] Oso
    Like you have it all together.
    People naturally think highly of you.
[04:41] Choro
    It's harder doing the retorts.
[04:43] Choro
    Must be nice being you.
[04:44] Choro
    People think you're funny if you
    just make up crap on the spot.
[04:47] Choro
    People don't care if you
    mess up? That's awesome!
[04:49] Choro
    I have to manage by existing in your shadow!
[04:51] Oso
    Why don't you take my place, then?
[04:53] Oso
    See how it feels when people
    call you stupid, shit,
[04:56] Oso
    or the devil even though you're funny!
[04:57] Oso
    I'm human, too, so that shit hurts!
[04:59] Choro
    Well, take my place, then!
[05:01] Choro
    Just try doing my job!
[05:03] Choro
    I mean, I'm always doing all the shit you
    should be doing as the oldest brother!
[05:07] Choro
    Because no one in this
    house would ever even try!
[05:11] Oso
    I've got it harder than you!
[05:13] Choro
    No, I've got it harder!
[05:14] Oso
    I'm the one who makes you funny!
[05:16] Choro
    No, I'm the one who makes you funny!
[05:19] Oso
    What'd you say?!
[05:20] Choro
    What?!
[05:21] Oso
    Your face is dumb!
[05:22] Choro
    No, your face is dumb!
[05:23] Oso
    Your voice is dumb!
[05:24] Choro
    No, your voice is dumb!
[05:25] Oso
    Your dick is small, too!
[05:27] Choro
    Yours is smaller!
[05:28] Both
    Mine's bigger, you jackass!
[05:30] Both
    What?!
[05:37] Ume
    Thanks for everything.
[05:38] Shake
    No, thank you.
[05:41] Ume
    I'm sorry I said something so mean.
[05:42] Shake
    It's okay.
[05:44] Ume
    I want you to be my partner, Salmon.
[05:46] Shake
    And I want you to be my partner, Pickled Plum.
[05:49] Shake
    Let's keep doing our best together.
[05:51] Ume
    Yeah.
[05:53] Oso
    Whip out your tiny dick!
[05:56] Choro
    Shut up! Die!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Sumo Stable"
SIGN    Matsu Stable
[07:32] Mura
    Hey, guys.
[07:34] Mura
    This is the new apprentice, Todomatsu-kun.
[07:37] Mura
    He'll be joining our stable as of today.
[07:39] Mura
    Say hello.
[07:41] Todo
    I-I'm the new apprentice, Matsuno Todomatsu.
[07:43] Todo
    It's nice to meet all of you.
[07:45] Mura
    Now I'll introduce your senior apprentices.
SIGN    Osonohana
[07:48] Mura
    Osonohana.
[07:49] Oso
    Heya!
SIGN    Karashouryuu
[07:51] Mura
    Karashouryuu.
[07:53] Kara
    Ulaanbaatar!
SIGN    Choronofuji
[07:55] Mura
    Choronofuji.
[07:56] Choro
    I'm out of energy!
SIGN    Nekodamashi
[07:58] Mura
    Nekodamashi.
[08:00] Ichi
    Mrow.
SIGN    Jyushimatsu
[08:02] Mura
    Jyushimatsu.
[08:03] Jyushi
    Jyushimatsu!
[08:05] Todo
    Whoa, they're all so huge!
[08:08] Todo
    They look so strong!
[08:09] Mura
    None of them have won a single match yet.
[08:11] Todo
    What?!
[08:12] Mura
    I'm leaving the rest to you guys.
[08:14] All
    Got it!
[08:17] Oso
    Nice to meet you.
[08:18] Oso
    It's gonna be difficult at first, but eat
    lots, train lots, and get stronger!
[08:23] Todo
    Right.
[08:24] Kara
    If there's something you don't
    understand, just $@#$@**#%I($$@.
[08:27] Todo
    Sorry, I didn't quite catch—
[08:30] Choro
    (@##)$#@#.
[08:32] Ichi
    (@)$@**$#.
[08:34] Jyushi
    $$#)%*.
[08:37] All**
    (@#*$)@%$$(%@#($##$%.
[08:43] Kara**
    Well? Did you catch all that?
[08:45] Todo
    Yup, sure did! I'll do my best!
[08:51] Oso
    Get out here now!
[08:53] Todo
    Peek.
[09:00] Oso
    Get out here.
[09:01] Todo
    It's too embarrassing!
     I don't look good in this thing!
[09:06] Oso
    Hurry up!
[09:07] Todo
    Don't stare too hard, okay?
[09:13] Todo
    Stop staring! It's so embarrassing! Jeez!
[09:16] Todo
    Oh, my gosh!
[09:29] Todo
    H-Hey, wait. Slowly, okay? Slowly.
[09:33] Todo
    Ow, ow, ow, owie! Jeez,
    you dummy! You jerk! I said slowly!
[09:39] Todo
    Owie! Stop!
[09:42] Todo
    Ow, ow, ow, ow, owie!
[09:43] Ichi
    I haven't pushed yet.
[09:44] Todo
    Owie!
[09:45] Ichi
    I'm not pushing!
[09:46] Todo
    I said owie!
[09:47] Todo
    Gosh! Ugh!
[09:52] Todo
    I'll just do it myself!
[09:59] Todo
    There, all done!
[10:02] Kara
    Now to practice your charging.
[10:03] Kara
    Come at me!
[10:05] Todo
    Good work, guys.
[10:07] Kara
    Hold it!
[10:16] Todo
    I'm scared! I can't do it!
[10:20] Todo
    Here I go!
[10:21] Kara
    Come on!
[10:25] Kara
    Harder!
[10:27] Todo
    Right, harder.
[10:28] Todo
    Here I go!
[10:36] Todo
    Good work, guys!
[10:37] Kara
    Hold it!
[10:49] ---
    Hey!
[10:56] Jyushimatsu
    Don't turn into a kamaboko!
[10:58] Todo
    Huh? Kamaboko?
[11:00] Choro
    That's what we call jerks
[11:02] Choro
    who don't do anything
    during training other than
[11:05] Choro
    rest their backs against the wall.
[11:07] Todo
    Huh... A kamaboko... That's so cute!
[11:10] Both
    What?!
[11:18] Choro
    That's not right at all.
[11:21] Choro
    This is how you do it!
[11:23] Todo
    Got it!
[11:28] Choro
    Put your back into it!
[11:30] Todo
    Got it!
[11:50] Five
    He's too weak...
SIGN    Matsu Stable
[11:53] Oso
    Are you even trying?
[11:55] Oso
    Do you really want to
    become a sumo wrestler?
[11:58] Todo
    Yes, I want to be a sumo wrestler.
[12:01] Todo
    I mean, sumo wrestlers are just so cool.
[12:04] Todo
    They're big and strong...
    I want to be like that, too.
[12:09] Kara
    I see. I guess he does really want this.
[12:13] Choro
    I suppose we can look after him a bit longer.
[12:16] Todo
    Choronofuji!
[12:17] Oso
    Oh, fine.
[12:19] Todo
    Osonohana!
[12:20] Kara
    You've got this!
[12:21] Jyushi
    Don't give up!
[12:22] Todo
    Karashouryuu! Jyushimatsu!
[12:24] Ichi
    Right. Let's start training, then.
[12:31] Ichi
    Don't hate us.
[12:32] Kara
    Give it all you've got.
[12:33] Todo
    Right!
[12:34] Oso
    Okay, let's start our training back up!
SIGN    Matsu Stable
[12:37] Todo
    Thank you!
[12:48] Oso
    Eat lots.
[12:49] Oso
    We're gonna get even bigger! Let's eat!
[12:52] All
    Let's eat!
SIGN    Pleasant 
    Granola
    Yum!
[12:58] Todo
    Thanks for the food.
[12:59] Five
    Hey!
[13:00] Kara
    Eat the chanko stew, you dummy!
[13:02] Choro
    You won't get bigger if you don't!
[13:04] Both
    Eat it! Eat it!
[13:06] Todo
    Nah, I'm good. I'm already full.
[13:08] ---
    Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!
[13:11] Todo
    I can't. If I eat any more, I'm gonna puke.
[13:13] Todo
    Nope, gonna puke.
[13:21] Todo
    Shut up!
[13:23] Todo
    You dumbass! Shut up! I can't sleep!
[13:30] Five
    Hey!
[13:38] Todo
    Owie!
[13:40] Todo
    Owie!
[13:44] Todo
    Here's your chanko stew!
[13:47] Five
    Hot!
[13:51] Oso
    Please! Just give up!
[13:54] Kara
    You can't do anything! Just give up!
[13:59] Choro
    Please, give up!
[14:01] Ichi
    Give up!
[14:03] Jyushi
    Give up!
SIGN    Matsu Stable
[14:23] Kara
    That good-for-nothing! He can't do anything!
[14:25] Oso
    But he's sorta adorable,
    so let's keep him around.
[14:28] Kara
    Yeah.
[14:30] Todo
    That hurt, jeez!
[14:32] Todo
    Ugh, I'm done!
SIGN    End
[14:36] Todo
    I can't! I can't! I can't!
SIGN    "Dogs"
[14:44] Jyushi
    Shake.
[14:46] Jyushi
    Other paw.
[14:47] Jyushi
    Now beg.
[14:50] Jyushi
    You're so smart.
[14:52] Jyushi
    Jeez, that tickles!
[14:54] Jyushi
    Stay.
[14:56] Jyushi
    Okay!
[15:01] Jyushi
    Bang!
[15:03] Jyushi
    Now come back!
[15:05] Jyushi
    Aw, you're so smart!
[15:18] Jyushi
    Here it goes!
[15:27] Jyushi
    You're so good, Wanta. Great job!
[15:33] Jyushi
    What? You want me to throw this, too?
[15:37] Jyushi
    Okay!
[15:38] Jyushi
    Here it goes!
[15:42] Jyushi
    Oh, crap!
[16:29] Ichi
    Jyushimatsu? The hell are you doing?
[16:34] Ichi
    Huh?
[16:37] Ichi
    Huh? What?
[16:49] Ichi
    C-Could it be that...
[16:53] Ichi
    Jyushimatsu?
[16:56] Ichi
    Jyushimatsu!
[17:04] Ichi
    U-Uh...
[17:06] Ichi
    Which one's Jyushimatsu here?
[17:08] Ichi
    Um...
[17:16] Ichi
    Hang on a second! Stop playing for now!
[17:19] Ichi
    Which one are you?
[17:22] Ichi
    Will the real Jyushimatsu
    please raise his hand?
[17:26] Ichi
    I knew it!
[17:28] Ichi
    Of course! You're Jyushimatsu!
[17:32] Ichi
    You are Jyushimatsu, right? Right?
[17:36] Ichi
    I knew it... Crap.
[17:38] Ichi
    You switched bodies with a dog.
[17:41] Ichi
    What did you even do?
[17:44] Ichi
    So you fell from here?
[17:47] Ichi
    That's the reason. That's when
    you two switched bodies.
[17:53] Ichi
    How the hell didn't you notice?!
[17:56] Ichi
    Look! That's clearly you!
[17:58] Ichi
    That's Jyushimatsu!
[18:00] Ichi
    You guys switched bodies!
[18:04] Ichi
    How do you not understand this?!
[18:06] Ichi
    That's you, right? That's Jyushimatsu.
[18:09] Ichi
    But you're Jyushimatsu, too, right?
[18:11] Ichi
    That's messed up. You guys switched.
[18:15] Ichi
    Get a clue already!
[18:17] Ichi
    No playing! You need to find a solution.
[18:21] Ichi
    Take a look at your hand.
    That's clearly a dog's paw.
[18:26] Ichi
    See? You're clearly over here.
[18:30] Ichi
    Got it? Do you finally understand?
[18:33] Ichi
    This means your mind has been
    swapped out with the dog's.
[18:41] Ichi
    Why are you laughing?
    You need to believe me!
[18:45] Ichi
    Your body's a dog now, right?
[18:48] Ichi
    This is your real body, right?
[18:51] Ichi
    So your minds have switched.
[18:54] Ichi
    Get a friggin' clue!
[18:56] Ichi
    Stop playing!
[19:05] Ichi
    You're telling me to throw it?
[19:07] Ichi
    Now's really not the time for that.
[19:11] Ichi
    Okay, fine. Just once, got it?
[19:14] Ichi
    There.
[19:26] Ichi
    Pet him?
[19:28] Ichi
    Here.
[19:32] Ichi
    Help me!
[19:35] Ichi
    That's gross!
[19:36] Ichi
    No! Jyushimatsu, make him
    stop! Make him stop!
[19:44] Ichi
    That was hell... But anyway...
[19:46] Ichi
    We need to figure out how to turn him back.
[19:56] Ichi
    Do you finally get it? Took you long enough.
[20:00] Ichi
    Don't try to get inside him.
[20:02] Ichi
    That's not happening.
[20:04] Ichi
    There's no other way. You two need
    to fall down these steps again.
[20:12] Ichi
    I know you're scared, but there's no
    other way. It's to return you to normal.
[20:16] Ichi
    Here we go.
[20:18] Ichi
    Three, two, one...
[20:23] Ichi
    Crap! He ran away!
[20:31] Ichi
    Don't worry, Jyushimatsu.
[20:34] Ichi
    I'll catch that runaway dog.
[20:38] Ichi
    I promise I'll turn you back to normal.
[20:41] Ichi
    You're my precious little brother, after all.
[20:46] Ichi
    Wait here!
[21:09] Ichi
    I overestimated my physical abilities.
[21:12] Ichi
    I'm sorry.
[21:30] Choro
    Honestly, there's not much of a difference.
[21:33] Choro
    You can barely tell.
[21:34] Todo
    I mean, Jyushimatsu-niisan's
    always been like this.
[21:37] Todo
    He's basically like a dog.
[21:39] Oso
    A dog, huh? I guess stuff like
    this happens all the time.
[21:44] Kara
    Jyushimatsu, to your cage!
[21:47] Kara
    Cage!
[21:49] Oso
    Oh, jeez!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:34] Kara
    Next week on Mr. Osomatsu, 
    we have "Persimmons."
[23:36] Kara
    You know, the fruit.
[23:38] Kara
    In English, it's "persimmons."
[23:39] Kara
    Huh? Persimmons? But it's "kaki" in Japanese.
    They're nothing alike at all.
[23:44] Kara
    Okay, I'm going on a journey to
    find the persimmons of my soul.
[23:48] Kara
    I hope all of you also find the
    persimmons of your souls, too.
SIGN    "Persimmons"  etc.
[23:50] Kara
    Persimmon journey!
[23:52] Kara
    Ignition.