E13 - Mr. HNYmatsu

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:05] Salmon
    I'm Salmon.
[00:06] Plum
    I'm Pickled Plum.
[00:08] Both
    We're the Riceballs.
[00:10] Salmon
    Everyone, Happy...
[00:12] Both
    ...New Year!
[00:14] Plum
    Thank you for dealing with us this year,
    even though we're clearly not human.
[00:20] Plum
    We pray for everyone's good fortune and
    happiness from the bottom of our hearts,
[00:25] Plum
    and we humbly look forward
    to your continued support.
[00:31] Salmon
    Where are the sextuplets?
[00:33] Plum
    They happened to drink
    too much on New Year's
[00:37] Plum
    and are still in bed.
[00:39] Salmon
    What?
[00:40] Plum
    That's why we're here to do the
    New Year's greeting in their place.
[00:46] Plum
    We're sorry they're such failures.
[00:48] Salmon
    We're sorry!
[00:50] Plum
    And so, this is what we'll be doing today.
[00:53] Both
    "Mr. HNYMatsu."
SIGN    Mr. HNYMatsu
[00:55] Salmon
    You see, we joined this program and found out
    about the sextuplets after the Reiwa era began,
[01:02] Salmon
    so we don't know about their past.
[01:05] Plum
    Please let us study their past a bit today.
[01:09] Salmon
    If you're free,
    please join us on this journey.
[01:12] Both
    Let's have a look.
SIGN    Employment  Office
SIGN    Season 1, Episode 2
    "Let's Get a Job"
[02:47] guy
    What job would you prefer?
[02:49] oso
    I want something big!
    Something with charisma!
[02:52] oso
    I want to be a legend!
    A human national treasure!
[02:54] guy
    Of what, exactly?
[02:56] guy
    Matsuno Karamatsu-san,
    what job would you prefer?
[03:00] kara
    Silence and solitude.
[03:02] guy
    Could you be a little more specific?
[03:05] kara
    A battle with myself... A never-ending trial.
[03:08] kara
    Eventually, I won't even be able to sta—
[03:11] kara
    A public servant, please.
[03:13] guy
    Matsuno Choromatsu-san?
[03:15] choro
    Yes!
[03:16] choro
    This is my agenda for today.
SIGN    Places I Want to Work
[03:18] choro
    Honestly, social security is a must,
    with a milestone of 200,000 fixed
[03:22] choro
    and committed per month.
[03:23] choro
    What do you think?
[03:24] guy
    You're annoying.
[03:26] guy
    Matsuno Ichimatsu-san.
    What job would you prefer?
[03:30] ichi
    No preference, really.
    I just followed everyone else.
[03:33] ichi
    Hey, did you just think that I was trash?
[03:36] ichi
    Yeah, I'm trash, garbage, unburnable
    trash that has no will to live.
[03:40] ichi
    Hey, "unburnable trash" is a good phrase.
     I'll write that down.
[03:45] jyu
    What? Tentacles?!
[03:46] jyu
    Oh, these? These tentacles?!
[03:48] jyu
    Yup! I can do tentacles!
[03:49] jyu
    Yay!
[03:51] todo
    Do you have a boyfriend?
[03:52] lady
    No.
[03:53] todo
    Really?
SIGN    Season 1, Episode 4
    "Let's Become
     Independent"
SIGN    Matsuno Family Dependents Selection Interview Hall
[03:56] mom
    We will now begin the Matsuno Family
    Dependents Selection Interviews.
[04:01] mom
    Those who pass this interview will
    become one of my dependents.
SIGN    HR
[04:06] mom
    All of you make sure to show off
    what fine sons you are.
[04:08] mom
    It's a pleasure having you all.
SIGN    Please Be Quiet
[04:10] all
    Thanks for having us.
[04:13] oso
    I still want to be spoiled!
[04:15] oso
    I want to live my days with my meals made
    for me and my laundry already done!
[04:19] oso
    I don't wanna do anything!
[04:20] choro
    I can't watch this...
[04:20] oso
    I don't wanna! Don't wanna!
[04:22] mom
    So cute! You pass!
[04:23] four
    What?!
[04:24] oso
    Really?!
SIGN    Sutabaa Coffee
SIGN    Season 1, Episode 7
    "Todomatsu and
     the Five Demons"
[04:26] both
    What?!
[04:28] aida
    You're sextuplets?!
[04:30] sachi
    That's amazing! I've never seen sextuplets!
[04:32] oso
    I-Is it that uncommon?
    Want to take a picture with us?
[04:36] both
    No thanks!
[04:40] choro
    W-Wow, so these are Sutabaa baristas.
[04:44] choro
    Their bodies are glowing with
    the light called confidence.
[04:49] choro
    And then there's him...
[04:51] choro
    Look at those eyes!
SIGN    Season 1, Episode 14
    "Todomatsu's Line"
[04:53] oso
    Besides, we're all NEETs.
[04:54] oso
    Don't you think it's wrong for one of us
[04:56] oso
    to get a job on his own?
[04:58] todo
    Hmm...
[05:02] todo
    I don't think so.
[05:04] oso
    Oh, so you don't. I guess
    it can't be helped, then.
[05:07] todo
    Nope. Can't be helped.
[05:12] oso
    Of course you can help that! Tell us!
[05:15] oso
    My loneliness is strangling my heart!
SIGN    Season 1, Episode 17
    "Jyushimatsu Festival"
SIGN    Memories
[05:18] todo
    Hey, why didn't we do any of this earlier?
[05:22] choro
    Because we were that scared to find out.
[05:26] oso
    7th grade.
[05:27] oso
    8th grade.
[05:28] oso
    9th grade.
[05:29] oso
    10th grade.
[05:30] oso
    11th...
[05:32] oso
    It was here!
[05:33] oso
    That suddenly?! He suddenly
    turned into that in 10th grade?!
SIGN    Sealed
SIGN    Season 1, Episode 19
    "Choromatsu Rising"
[05:48] choro
    I know it's not possible to just start job hunting,
[05:51] choro
    so I'm going to start with free hugs in the city.
[05:56] oso
    F-F...
[05:57] todo
    Free...
[05:58] oso
    Free...
[06:00] todo
    H-Hugs?! He said he was going to give hugs?!
[06:03] oso
    Totty!
SIGN    Season 1, Episode 22
    "The Star of Hope, 
    Todomatsu"
[06:05] todo
    What?!
[06:06] todo
    You're joking, right?
[06:08] todo
    Are you serious?
[06:09] todo
    Choose one of you guys to take to the mixer?
[06:12] choro
    Be honest. Who of us would you pick?
[06:14] todo
    None of you! It's like comparing
    five pieces of goldfish shit!
[06:16] choro
    That comparison doesn't exist!
[06:18] todo
    Well, if I had to choose...
[06:22] todo
    Jyushimatsu-niisan.
[06:23] three
    What?!
[06:24] todo
    His hyperactive personality
    might be a hit at a mixer.
[06:28] jyu
    Totty!
[06:28] todo
    There's no way I could take him, though.
[06:31] jyu
    Totty?!
[06:32] todo
    I mean...
[06:33] todo
    He's been hard ever since I mentioned a mixer.
[06:37] jyu
    Hardty!
SIGN    Season 1, Episode 23
    "Kerosene"
[06:40] todo
    Guys, I'm gonna air things out a bit.
[06:42] all
    Huh?
[06:45] all
    What?!
[06:49] todo
    You can all die! This is a war of attrition!
[06:51] oso
    Just how eccentric is he?! Is he stupid?!
[06:58] oso
    Huh? Wait, what was that?
[07:00] oso
    Did Jyushimatsu close it?
[07:01] choro
    Seriously? Has he...
[07:03] ichi
    ...been...
[07:05] five
    ...awake this whole time?
[07:07] four
    Scary!
[07:09] choro
    What?! I can't believe in anything anymore!
[07:11] todo
    So he's going to stay in that position
    until someone refills the kerosene?
[07:15] todo
    That back is a waiting back?
[07:17] oso
    What the hell is a "waiting back"?!
    Is this a horror movie?!
[07:20] jyu
    I said, the kerosene's out, 
    Choromatsu-niisan.
[07:28] choro
    Wh-Why?! Why did you appoint me?!
[07:32] choro
    Now I have no choice but to refill it!
    What do you have against me?
[07:36] choro
    What did I ever do to you, Jyushimatsu?!
[07:40] jyu
    Ugh, it's so friggin' cold.
[07:41] osotodo
    Yay! Yay!
[07:43] choro
    Jyushimatsu!
SIGN    Season 1, Episode 25
    "Osomatsu-san, 
    Such As It Was"
[07:48] choro
    When I got my job, the first thing
    that popped into my head
[07:52] choro
    was all of their faces.
[07:53] todo
    It's probably better
[07:54] todo
    if we're not together.
[07:56] kara
    At this rate, we sextuplets will be ruined.
[08:00] mom
    Osomatsu.
[08:01] mom
    There's a letter for you.
[08:05] oso
    Y-You're kidding me...
[08:08] oso
    We've...
[08:10] oso
    been selected...
[08:14] oso
    for the invitational!
SIGN    Entered in
     Invitational
    Matsuno Family
[08:18] oso
    Hey, guys! You won't believe it!
[08:20] oso
    We've been selected for the invitational!
[08:22] todo
    The invitational?!
[08:23] oso
    Hurry up and come home!
    We need to get ready for the match!
[08:26] kara
    Seriously?!
[08:26] oso
    This is no time to be selfish
[08:28] oso
    and talk about things like being
    independent and getting a job!
[08:30] jyu
    True!
[08:31] oso
    I mean, it's the invitational!
[08:32] ichi
    Yeah!
[08:33] oso
    Now's the time to put
    our strengths together!
[08:35] choro
    You're right!
[08:38] guy
    And now, in the final round of the 89th
    Invitational adglkjdsk Tournament,
[08:42] guy
    it's the Matsuno Family versus the
[08:43] guy
    Fourth Galactic University
    Affiliated High School.
[08:45] guy
    We've reached the critical moment,
    the bottom of the ninth.
[08:48] todo
    Don't give up so easily!
[08:50] todo
    It's the invitational! The final round!
[08:52] todo
    We expected this much!
[08:54] todo
    Here!
[08:54] todo
    As the oldest, you have
    to sacrifice yourself!
[08:56] oso
    What?!
[08:58] todo
    You're the oldest!
[08:59] oso
    Huh?
[08:59] todo
    No, seriously!
[09:00] oso
    You—
[09:01] todo
    No, seriously, seriously, seriously!
[09:02] todo
    I mean it! Times like this
    are what the oldest is for!
[09:05] kara
    That's true.
[09:06] ichi
    He has a point.
[09:07] choro
    You are the oldest.
[09:08] jyu
    Yeah, for times like this.
[09:09] oso
    You guys are seriously the worst!
[09:11] oso
    All five of you are the enemy!
[09:13] oso
    Die! Just die!
[09:14] choro
    Hey, look at that!
[09:17] all
    Oh! Is that...
[09:20] all
    Is it finally here?!
[09:23] deka
    Sorry for the wait.
[09:24] deka
    With this power we've attained through
    overflowing jealousy and lust...
[09:28] dayon
    We'll kill them all.
[09:37] all
    R-Run!
[09:40] toto
    Hold it!
[09:43] all
    T-Totoko-chan!
[09:45] toto
    Don't you run away,
[09:47] toto
    you shitty, stupid, NEET trash virgin
    Fappyski brothers with tiny dicks!
[09:50] all
    B-But...
[09:51] toto
    You can still do it!
[09:52] toto
    After all... After all,
    if you win this match...
[09:59] toto
    I'll grant you the right to **** Totoko!
[10:10] all
    All right!
[10:54] toto
    Go, you shitty NEETS!
[11:09] oso
    I... I wanna do you!
[11:11] kara
    Let me do you!
[11:14] choro
    I don't wanna be a virgin anymore!
[11:16] ichi
    I'd be satisfied with just looking!
[11:18] jyu
    Boobies!
[11:19] todo
    No! Bellybutton wrinkles!
[11:24] oso
    If the six of us can combine
    our strengths as one...
[11:28] all
    As one...
[11:35] oso
    But!
[11:37] oso
    One, two, and...
[11:40] all
    What's impossible is impossible!
SIGN    Season 2, Episode 1
    "Mr. Osomatsu Returns"
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu Returns
[11:51] Nar
    Mr. Osomatsu returns!
[11:57] Jyushimatsu**
    There you are, proper enemy!
[11:59] Osomatsu
    All right, let's defeat him!
[12:01] Five
    Yeah!
[12:02] Six
    Let's go!
[12:03] Osomatsu
    Transform properly!
[12:06] Five
    Transform properly!
[12:08] Osomatsu
    Combine properly!
[12:10] Five
    Combine properly!
[12:19] Osomatsu
    We'll defeat him properly!
[12:21] Five
    We'll defeat him properly!
[12:24] Iyami
    Sh-Sheeeh!
[12:31] Osomatsu
    This is how...
[12:32] All
    ...it should be!
SIGN    Kill the Matsu!
[12:34] Guy
    The hell you're being proper,
    you shitty anime!
[12:37] Mob
    You're wrong!
[12:38] Mob
    What do you mean, "proper"?!
[12:39] Mob
    Get a grip, you pieces of trash!
[12:41] Nar
    And so the sextuplets were
    shit if they got big heads...
[12:45] Nar
    and they were shit even if
    they did things properly.
[12:48] Nar
    They wandered into a labyrinth
    with absolutely no exit.
[12:52] Nar
    And then...
[12:54] Nar
    they became adults
[12:56] Nar
    without ever figuring out what they
    should do, or where they should go.
SIGN    Season 2, Episode 2
    "Congratulations! 
    Employment!!"
[13:04] Choro
    Seriously, we just need to start working.
[13:06] Choro
    At this rate, we're really
    going to get kicked out.
[13:11] Todo
    Why don't we try streaming, then?
[13:13] Oso
    Completely Naked Man!
[13:14] Kara
    No fair! Completely Naked Man!
[13:16] Jyushi
    Yeah! Completely Naked Man!
[13:18] Choro
    You somehow always end up
    with your clothes off...
[13:24] Todo
    Oh. Looks like we got reported.
SIGN    Video not found
[13:26] Todo
    Our video's been deleted.
[13:28] Five
    Huh?
[13:33] Oso
    What the hell? We're already out of a job?
SIGN    Consultation Corner
[13:36] Guy
    Yeah, that's not happening.
[13:38] Six
    What?!
[13:39] Oso
    Why not?! We just lost our jobs!
[13:41] Both
    What? We can't get unemployment?
[13:43] Oso
    This is so messed up!
[13:45] Guy
    You're the ones who are messed up!
[13:46] Six
    Die, Japan!
[13:48] Guy
    All of you can die!
SIGN    Comments
SIGN    [Hell] NEET Sextuplets Gone Wild Stream 
Employment Office
SIGN    Viewing:
[13:56] Chibita
    Holy crap.
SIGN    Season 2, Episode 5
    "Osomatsu-san in
     the Summer"
[13:59] Todo
    We're sextuplets!
[14:00] Choro
    We're sextuplets!
[14:02] Todo
    We have the same face!
[14:04] Both
    We have the same face!
[14:06] Todo
    We're sextuplets!
[14:08] Both
    We're sextuplets!
[14:10] Todo
    We're all sextuplets...
[14:11] Both
    ...with the same face!
[14:13] Oso
    Anyone want us?
[14:14] Guy
    Hey, what's up with those guys?
[14:16] Guy 2
    Aren't sextuplets a lot?
[14:17] Guy 2
    I've seen twins before,
    but they're sextuplets!
[14:19] Guy 2
    Isn't that a lot?
[14:26] Girl
    Can we take a picture with you?
[14:28] Guy
    Do the same pose, like sextuplets!
[14:34] Six
    Sheeeh...
[14:38] Girls
    What's with these guys? They're hilarious!
[14:41] Oso
    W-We'll have to try again next year...
[14:43] Girl
    Seriously?
[14:43] Five
    Yeah...
SIGN    Season 2, Episode 6
    "Iyami Has Arrived"
[14:45] Kara
    The world isn't so kind!
SIGN    The world 
    isn't so kind!!
[14:54] Todo
    You're all talk!
SIGN    You're all talk!
[14:59] Jyushi
    You freeloader!
SIGN    You freeloader!!
[15:06] Ichi
    You pathetic adult who can't
    do anything on your own!
SIGN    You pathetic adult who can't 
    do anything on your own!!
[15:11] Oso
    If you don't reflect upon your actions,
    you're going to end up alone someday!
SIGN    If you don't reflect upon your actions, 
    you're going to end up alone someday!
[15:16] Choro
    Are you guys stupid?!
[15:18] Five
    People like you will get
    what you deserve someday!
SIGN    People like you will get what you deserve someday!
[15:23] Choro
    What is that?! It's not
    even a boomerang anymore!
[15:33] Iyami
    Evil should die!
SIGN    Evil should die!
[15:41] Iyami
    Sheh?!
[15:51] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[15:58] Direct
    Okay, go ahead.
SIGN    Season 2, Episode 10
    "Dubbingmatsu-san"
[16:07] Kohai
    Huh? Hey, wait a sec!
[16:09] Kohai
    Those lines aren't in the script!
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[16:11] Senpai
    Only newbies would read the lines
    that are actually in the script.
[16:15] Senpai
    When you're at their level,
    you change all of the lines in the script,
[16:18] Senpai
    rearrange them,
[16:19] Senpai
    make them your own, and come up
    with a completely different story.
[16:22] Kohai
    Wow...
[16:27] Kohai
    Wow, that's amazing!
[16:29] Kohai
    Whoa! Amazing!
[16:31] Kohai
    What?!
[16:39] Kohai
    Amazing!
[16:40] Staff
    Great job, everyone.
[16:41] Some
    Thank you very much.
[16:45] Kohai
    Man, who would've thought such professionals
[16:48] Kohai
    were behind those
    shitty episodes that air on TV?
[16:50] Senpai
    Makes you respect them even more.
[16:52] Kohai
    Yeah.
SIGN    Season 2, Episode 15
    "Totty Quiz"
[16:55] Todo
    Last question!
SIGN    Welcome!
    4th Annual New Year's 
    Totty Quiz
[16:59] Todo
    What should we actually be
    concentrating on right now?!
[17:04] Todo
    A: Finding a job! B: S*x!
SIGN    A: Finding a job 
    B: --x!
[17:15] Five
    Which is it?!
[17:19] Todo
    You idiots!
[17:23] Todo
    Of course the answer is B!
[17:26] All
    T-Totty!
SIGN    Season 2, Episode 23
    "The Late Night 
    Himatsuya 3"
[17:40] Oso
    Man, we're so amazing.
[17:42] Oso
    A charismatic model,
    the Prime Minister, a president,
[17:46] Oso
    a doctor, a celebrity, and a gold medalist.
[17:49] Oso
    We're such a group of winners!
    We've basically already won.
[17:53] Oso
    Hooray!
[17:54] Five
    Hooray!
[17:55] Oso
    Hooray!
[17:56] Five
    Hooray!
SIGN    Season 2, Episode 25
    "Mr. Osomatsu in Hell"
[18:16] Oso
    Well, it's actually not that big of a deal.
[18:21] Oso
    There's just something
    I want to say to you guys.
[18:24] All
    Huh?
[18:27] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[18:38] Enma
    So, what'd y'all decide?
[18:39] Enma
    Point to the person y'all think
    should go to Hell when I say so.
[18:43] Enma
    Here we go. Ready, and...
[18:46] Enma
    And done.
SIGN    To Hell
[18:52] Enma
    Have a nice time in Hell!
[18:55] Oso
    Listen up, guys...
[18:59] Oso
    Weren't we all...
[19:01] Oso
    still virgins?
[19:04] Choro
    Huh?
[19:05] Choro
    Er...
[19:06] Choro
    Um...
[19:07] Choro
    No, no...
[19:08] All
    True!
[19:09] Choro
    No, no, no!
[19:10] Kara
    That's right! We were still virgins!
[19:12] Jyu
    And yet we died?! Did we give up?
[19:14] Ichi
    How stupid...
[19:15] Todo
    Crap! We have to hurry up and be reborn!
[19:18] Choro
    Hold it!
[19:20] Choro
    Weren't you going to tell us something
    really important right before we died?!
[19:25] Choro
    What happened to the
    rest of that conversation?!
[19:27] Oso
    Huh? Say what?
[19:28] Choro
    Huh?!
[19:29] Ichi
    Choro-chan, who even cares about
    that lame-ass topic right now?
[19:34] Ichi
    We died as virgins.
    That's way more important, isn't it?
[19:39] Choro
    True!
[19:40] Ichi
    Right.
[19:46] Jyu
    Hey, look!
[19:57] Todo
    Wait, if we climb that,
    will we be brought back to life?
[19:59] Todo
    Seriously?!
[20:02] Osom
    We're not going to let it end...
[20:04] All
    ...like this!
[20:07] Oso
    All right!
[20:13] Oso
    Huh?! What the hell are you doing, Iyami?
[20:17] Iya
    Stay back! Get off!
[20:23] Oso
    Why, you...
[20:24] Iya
    Osomatsu!
[20:25] Oso
    Iyami!
[20:33] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[21:00] Choro
    Wait, what are you going to do?!
[21:02] Todo
    No way!
[21:05] Chibi
    Go!
[21:07] Six
    Stop!
[21:16] All
    Sheeeh!
SIGN    Next Life
SIGN    Sextuplets
[21:42] Oso
    We're back!
[21:44] All
    We're back!
[21:46] Dad
    W-Welcome back?
[21:49] Mom
    Welcome back...
[21:55] Todo
    Our bodies decayed!
[21:56] Choro
    Shit! I'm on fire!
[21:58] Kara
    Hot, hot, hot!
[21:59] Ichi
    Hey, my eyeball fell out.
[22:01] Jyu
    My dick fell off, too!
[22:02] Oso
    What was the point in coming back to life?!
[22:04] Choro
    The hell?!
[22:05] Jyu
    Crap! My balls fell off, too!
[22:06] Oso
    Seriously?!
[22:07] Kara
    What the hell?!
SIGN    Iyami's  Grave
[22:15] Iya
    Sheeeh!
[22:20] ---
    Our batteries are about to run out.
[22:24] ---
    Thank you all for your time.
[22:30] ---
    We sure learned a lot.
[22:34] ---
    Yeah...
[22:37] ---
    From now on, we're going to do our best
[22:44] ---
    as NEET AI.
[22:47] ---
    Yeah...
[22:50] ---
    So, yes... Everyone...
[22:56] ---
    Please look forward...
[22:59] ---
    ...to the show again this year...
[23:06] ---
    Thanks...
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Sparkle Phantom Stream"  etc.