Season 3

E1 - Untitled
Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:05] Nar
    The TV anime,* Mr. Osomatsu*.
[00:07] Nar
    If one were to describe this anime,
    they would call it superb, harmless...
[00:13] Nar
    A series that would never hurt even a fly,
SIGN    Akatsuka Station
[00:15] Nar
    in which all of the characters
    are extremely well-adjusted.
[00:18] Nar
    A perfect educational show for the little ones
[00:21] Nar
    that may or may not be recommended by MEXT.
[00:24] Nar
    The perfect Japanimation that
    will be sure to move your heart!
[00:30] Nar
    At the root of this series
[00:33] Nar
    are the ever-so-popular Matsuno sextuplets!
[00:41] Fake Oso
    Hey, guys! It's been a while!
[00:44] All
    We've missed you!
[00:46] Fake Oso
    My name's Osomatsu.
[00:48] Fake Kara
    And I'm Karamatsu!
[00:50] Fake choro
    Choromatsu!
[00:51] Fake ichimatsu
    Ichimatsu!
[00:52] Fake jyushi
    Jyushimatsu!
[00:52] Fake totty
    Todomatsu!
[00:53] All
    We're sextuplets who always get along!
[00:56] All
    We hope you enjoy the show!
[00:57] Dad
    Season 3 is finally here!
[00:59] Mom
    I'm so excited!
[01:05] Oso
    Huh?
[01:06] Oso
    Who the hell?
[01:07] Totoko
    Wow, they're all so well-adjusted!
    It's so peaceful!
[01:11] Toto
    They're all accepting each other!
    They're so nice!
[01:16] Toto
    They're going for gender equality, too!
[01:19] Toto
    And now they're global!
[01:21] New
    We're the new 18 sextuplets that
    comply with all of your requests!
[01:25] All
    Enjoy the show!
[01:27] Chibi
    We've covered everything in season 3!
     It's gonna be a huge success!
[01:30] All
    Hooray! Hooray!
[01:32] All
    Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!
[01:33] Oso
    Uh, this isn't even Mr. Osomatsu anymore!
[01:35] Oso
    What does "18 sextuplets" even mean?!
[01:37] Oso
    Also, we're identical!
[01:39] Oso
    Who the hell are they?!
[01:41] Oso
    Look, if you're gonna change
    everything this much,
[01:44] Oso
    I'm pretty sure it'll piss off Akatsuka-sensei,
    who wrote the original.
[01:48] Oso
    Who the hell is that?!
SIGN    Onigiri Points
[01:50] Oso
    This is bad!
[01:53] Oso
    Hey, this is really bad!
[01:57] Oso
    This is really bad, my real brothers!
[02:00] Oso
    Our anime's already started,
[02:02] Oso
    and a bunch of weird guys
    basically took our spots!
[02:06] Oso
    It's bad! You guys need to come with me!
[02:09] Oso
    Huh? What's wrong?
[02:13] Choro
    This is bad.
[02:14] Choro
    We're just spending each day doing nothing.
[02:16] Choro
    I was killing time here yesterday, too...
[02:20] Todo
    Actually, I was here the day before, too.
[02:21] Sign
    Heavy Drinking
[02:23] Jyushi
    I think I was here the day before that, too.
[02:26] Kara
    Hmph. I don't even remember
    how long I've been here.
[02:34] Ichi
    I made a cat.
[02:39] Choro
    Wh-What should we do?
[02:43] Choro
    We really need to figure
    out what to do soon.
[02:46] Choro
    I wonder what Mom and Dad are thinking.
[02:48] Todo
    Something to do? What?
[02:50] Oso
    Well, there's pachinko, horse races,
    and then watching some pervy VR.
[02:54] Choro
    Shut your damn mouth.
[02:55] Todo
    VR is awesome!
SIGN    S q u i d
[02:57] Jyushi
    It's like a life raft for virgins.
[03:00] Oso
    Nay. That can be poisonous for us, too.
[03:04] All
    True.
[03:05] Choro
    Stop talking about VR!
[03:07] Kara
    Good grief, you NEETs. Have you no dreams?
[03:12] All
    Of course we don't!
[03:13] Todo
    If we did, we wouldn't be
    in this mess, you fool!
[03:15] Jyushi
    Dumbass!
[03:16] Choro
    Trash!
[03:16] Oso
    Die!
[03:19] Kara
    Aw, you guys seem to be mad at me.
[03:20] Jyushi
    Let's just take it easy! Why don't we
    all be free and live at our own pace?
[03:26] All
    That's exactly what's wrong here!
SIGN    Finding Yourself
SIGN    Living Freely
SIGN    Do This 
    And Your Life 
    Will Change
[03:27] Choro
    The reason we're like this now is
    because we went at our own pace.
[03:31] Oso
    Don't let the winners tell you that!
[03:33] Kara
    What does it mean to live freely?
    Don't let those illusions fool you!
[03:38] Todo
    It's fine to start something, but...
[03:41] Todo
    I don't want to go through anything grueling!
[03:43] Oso
    Exactly! Let's surpass anything grueling...
    and warp to the winner's stage!
[03:48] Todo
    It would be nice if we could warp.
[03:50] All
    Right?
[03:52] Choro
    What the hell?
[03:53] Choro
    You guys are awful.
[04:07] Ichi
    I made a pistol. Anyone wanna use it?
[04:15] Choro
    I wonder why we're like this.
[04:17] Todo
    Whatever. There's no helping it now.
[04:19] Jyushi
    Our anime ended a long time ago, anyway.
[04:23] Kara
    Yeah...
[04:26] Oso
    Oh, yeah.
[04:28] Oso
    So, uh, our anime's already started.
[04:32] All
    What?!
[04:34] Choro
    Seriously? It already started?
[04:37] Oso
    Yup.
[04:37] Jyushi
    Yay!
[04:38] kara
    Why didn't you tell us something
    that important sooner?!
[04:42] Oso
    I did! But then I got sucked
    into all this and sat down.
[04:47] Oso
    Ow.
[04:47] Todo
    Oh, hey! That means we
    do have something to do.
[04:51] Todo
    Isn't that great?
[04:52] Jyushi
    It sure is!
[04:55] Oso
    No, wait.
[04:56] Oso
    We've got trouble, though.
[04:59] Fake todo
    Wipey, wipey.
[05:02] Todo
    Who are those guys?
[05:03] Kara
    The hell? You can't be serious.
[05:05] Jyushi
    What the hell are they doing in our house?!
[05:08] Ichi
    What should we do,
    Osomatsu-niisan? Kill them?
[05:11] Oso
    Yeah. I mean, we NEETs won't be able to
    survive if we're kicked out of the house...
[05:17] Oso
    So let's kill them.
[05:20] Some
    It's so clean.
[05:36] Jyushi
    Huh? Where are we?
[05:42] Kara
    Uh, some monoliths appeared.
[05:44] Mono
    Sextuplets.
[05:47] Mono
    We belong to the anime production committee.
SIGN    Anime Production Committee
[05:53] Choro
    Committee?!
[05:54] Todo
    Really? Should you be coming out here?
[05:57] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[05:58] All
    Iyami!
[06:00] Iyami
    Sheh!
[06:01] Iyami
    Who do you think you are?! Bow down!
[06:05] Mono
    We decided we would replace
    all of you NEETs as
[06:10] Mono
    the stars of the show when
    the new series started.
[06:14] Jyushi
    Replace?
[06:16] Ichi
    Oh, we've been let go as sextuplets.
[06:18] Jyushi
    What does that even mean?
[06:21] Ichi
    I know I said it, but I have no idea.
[06:23] Oso
    Don't give me that! Replaced?!
[06:25] Oso
    We haven't made a dime!
[06:27] Todo
    How are we supposed to
    live outside of our home?
[06:30] Choro
    Damn it! You evil company!
[06:31] Choro
    If you're gonna fire us,
    give us a valid reason!
[06:34] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[06:35] Iyami
    A valid reason?
[06:36] Iyami
    You're NEETs! You're all pieces of shit!
[06:40] Iyami
    You drink during the day!
[06:41] Iyami
    You haven't grown at all!
[06:43] Iyami
    You're hard to look at from both a societal
    and an educational point of view.
[06:49] Iyami
    Not to mention...
[06:51] Iyami
    You've depicted acts of
    violence numerous times!
SIGN    Violence
[06:55] Iyami
    You're dirty!
SIGN    Dirty
SIGN    Nudity
[06:56] Iyami
    Nudity!
[06:57] Iyami
    Terrible !
[07:00] Iyami
    You just don't fit with the times anymore.
[07:02] Iyami
    What the people want now is...
SIGN    Compliance
[07:05] Iyami
    Compliance!
[07:08] Iyami
    Together now, everyone!
SIGN    Compliance
[07:10] Iyami
    Compliance!
[07:15] Iyami
    We're no longer in the Showa or Heisei eras.
[07:18] Iyami
    It is now Reiwa. You need
    to fit in with the times.
[07:21] Oso
    Iyami, you're the last one
    we wanna hear that from.
[07:24] All
    Yeah.
[07:26] Mono
    Now, former sextuplets.
[07:28] Oso
    F-Former sextuplets?
[07:31] Mono
    Accept these flowers for your graduation.
[07:34] Oso
    Huh?
[07:36] Kara
    Uh, hello? Some guys just showed up.
[07:38] Oso
    What? Who the hell is it now?
[07:43] Saku
    Hello. I'm the voice actor Sakurai Takahiro.
[07:45] Oso
    Huh?!
[07:47] Naka
    I'm the voice actor Nakamura Yuuichi.
[07:49] Kara
    Wow!
[07:49] Kami
    I'm Kamiya Hiroshi.
[07:51] Choro
    Hiroshi!
[07:51] Fuku
    I'm Fukuyama Jun!
[07:54] Ono
    Mosu! I'm Ono Daisuke!
[07:56] Jyu
    Mosu! I'm Jyushimatsu!
[07:58] Mura
    I'm Murakami Kouji.
[07:59] Todo
    What?! Uh, er, uh... wait... who?!
[08:04] Choro
    Uh, hello? Now the voice actors showed up?!
[08:07] Choro
    Is this really okay?
[08:08] Todo
    Who the hell is Murakami?!
[08:10] Saku
    Great work, you guys.
[08:11] Oso
    Why are you taking their side?!
    You're supposed to be on our side!
[08:16] Kami
    Oh, don't worry.
[08:17] Kami
    We have plenty of other
    regular series to work on.
[08:21] Both
    Yay!
[08:22] Oso
    You guys are scum!
[08:23] Kami
    Die! I hope you get fired!
[08:24] Kara
    Heh. Partner, I hear you're making a fortune.
[08:28] Kara
    Buy me a car, too.
[08:31] Jun
    Ichi! Let's play basketball together!
[08:33] Jun
    It's fun working out!
[08:35] Jun
    Ichi!
[08:37] Jun
    Come on, let's play!
[08:37] Oso
    Those two are nothing alike...
[08:39] Jyushi
    Boeh!
[08:39] Jun
    Come on, Ichi!
[08:40] Ono
    Boeh!
[08:40] Both
    Yeah, yeah, yeah! Boeh!
[08:43] Oso
    Well, they're exactly the same.
[08:44] Mura
    Good work.
[08:45] Todo
    Who are you?! Where the hell is Miyu?!
[08:48] Oso
    Hey, it's the director!
[08:50] All
    Director!
[08:51] Todo
    Save us, Director!
[08:52] Choro
    This isn't right!
[08:53] Oso
    Say something to all of them!
[09:00] Director
    You guys do too many dirty jokes.
[09:04] All
    You're the one who made this show!
[09:08] Todo
    If anyone's getting let go,
     it should be you!
[09:10] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[09:17] Oso
    You assholes!
[09:18] Choro
    You'll pay for this! Just wait!
[09:21] Todo
    We'll kill you someday!
[09:22] Kara
    I'll be back!
SIGN    Meiji Jingu Baseball Stadium
SIGN    Nomura Anime Character
    Rebirth Factory
SIGN    Nomura Anime Character
    Rebirth Factory
[09:38] Choro
    Huh? "Anime Character Rebirth Factory"?
[09:42] Oso
    Huh? The what?
SIGN    Flaming
[09:44] Robot
    Rebirth! Rebirth! Let's be reborn!
[09:47] Sign
    No hurting anyone
[09:47] Kara
    Where are we?
[09:47] Robot
    Rebirth! Rebirth! Let's be reborn!
[09:52] ---
    Hey, look over there.
SIGN    Add Oil!!
SIGN    Let's be  reborn!
SIGN    Safety First
SIGN    Rebirth
[09:54] Todo
    Hey, it's Dekapan!
SIGN    Let's All Live in Harmony
SIGN    No Hitting Retorts
[09:56] Kara
    Well, he does walk around
    in boxers all the time.
[10:00] Deka
    I'm counting on you.
SIGN    Deka
SIGN    Pan
[10:04] Robot
    Rebirth! Rebirth! Rebirth!
SIGN    Reborn
[10:16] All
    Wait, wait, wait!
[10:17] Kara
    He just turned into a normal dude!
[10:19] Kara
    He doesn't stand out at all!
[10:21] All
    Hatabou!
[10:23] Hata
    Jo...
SIGN    Hatabou
[10:25] Robot
    Rebirth! Rebirth! Rebirth!
SIGN    Reborn
[10:32] Hata
    I'm Hatabou, jo.
[10:33] All
    Wait, wait, wait!
[10:34] Kara
    Your flag is gone!
[10:36] All
    Dayon!
[10:41] Dayon
    Dayon!
[10:43] Kara
    Apparently Dayon doesn't need to change?
[10:45] Kara
    Why, though?
[10:46] Oso
    Wh-What's going to happen to us?
SIGN    Sextuplets
[10:51] Robot
    Rebirth! Rebirth!
SIGN    Reborn
[11:00] Oso
    We're shit!
[11:02] Jyushi
    What?! Why?!
[11:03] Kara
    Why did this only happen to us?!
[11:05] Kara
    What the hell's going on?!
[11:06] Todo
    Quit messing with us!
[11:07] Choro
    Hey!
SIGN    Failure
[11:09] Robot
    Your rebirth has failed.
[11:11] Robot
    You will now be eliminated.
SIGN    Elimination
[11:19] Oso
    What do you mean, failed?!
[11:27] Oso
    Hey, what's going on here?
[11:30] Oso
    Why did we turn into shit
    in the very first episode?
[11:32] Oso
    What are people going to think
    of us if they see us now?
[11:35] Todo
    They're going to think we're pieces of shit.
[11:38] Oso
    Of course they will. Because we are.
[11:41] Todo
    This sucks!
[11:42] Oso
    This isn't good. Got any
    bright ideas, green shit?
[11:47] Choro
    It's Choromatsu, asshole.
[11:48] Kara
    I figured it out!
[11:51] Kara
    What do you think?
[11:55] Jyushi
    I-I just thought of something insane!
[11:59] Jyushi
    So, if we tried to take a
    shit in our shit forms...
[12:05] Jyushi
    What's going to come out of our asses?
[12:08] Todo
    What are you even saying,
    you piece of shit? Shut up!
[12:11] Todo
    It's really not necessary!
[12:13] Jyushi
    Hey, it worked!
    And it's just a piece of shit!
[12:17] Todo
    Shut up, you piece of shit!
[12:18] Choro
    Say something, Ichimatsu.
[12:21] Choro
    We're literally shit now.
    What are we going to do?
[12:25] Ichi
    Actually...
[12:26] Ichi
    I think this might be okay.
[12:29] Choro
    Huh?
[12:30] Ichi
    This is actually really relaxing.
[12:32] Todo
    What?
[12:33] Choro
    Good point.
[12:34] Todo
    Uh, Choromatsu-niisan?
[12:36] Choro
    You get a lot of criticism when
    you're NEETs as humans,
[12:40] Choro
    but who's going to complain
    to actual pieces of shit?
[12:43] Choro
    I might've been relieved from
    the pressures of living.
[12:47] Todo
    Huh?
[12:47] Oso
    Obviously we won't be popular
    with the ladies now,
[12:50] Oso
    so let's just live as pieces of shit.
[12:51] Todo
    Uh...
[12:54] Kara
    Jyushimatsu! Your body's getting smaller!
[13:05] Jyushi
    Wait! I'm still small!
[13:08] Jyushi
    Totty, do you know where
    the shit I shat out went?
[13:10] Todo
    No! Find your own shit yourself!
[13:21] Todo
    Ugh!
[13:23] Todo
    Why did this even happen?!
    Whose fault is this?!
[13:26] Choro
    The reason we got turned into shit?
[13:28] Choro
    That's Osomatsu-niisan, of course.
[13:30] All
    Yup, yup.
[13:31] Oso
    Huh? Wait, why?
[13:32] Choro
    Because you've been unemployed forever,
[13:34] Choro
    and you're a lazy sack of
    shit who lives at home.
[13:36] Choro
    You're literal shit.
[13:37] Oso
    That goes for all of you, too.
[13:39] Jyushi
    I think we turned into shit
    because of Choromatsu-niisan.
[13:42] All
    Yup, yup.
[13:43] Choro
    Why?
[13:44] Jyushi
    Who's gonna watch a show about a virgin?
[13:47] Choro
    You're all virgins, too.
[13:49] Ichi
    Your personality sucks.
[13:51] Todo
    So do all of yours.
[13:52] Todo
    You haven't matured at all.
[13:53] Kara
    Neither have any of you.
[13:55] Kara
    You have no dignity.
[13:56] Jyushi
    Neither do any of you.
[13:57] Oso
    You're a rotten human being.
[13:59] Ichi
    So are all of you.
[14:01] Some
    You're all stupid!
[14:02] Some
    Trash!
[14:02] Some
    Morons!
[14:03] Some
    You don't deserve to live!
[14:04] Some
    Crap!
[14:05] Oso
    Hold it!
[14:07] Oso
    I get it now.
[14:08] Oso
    Deep down inside, we've always just been
[14:12] Oso
    pieces of shit.
[14:21] Kara
    Who're you calling a piece of shit, you shit?!
[14:23] Choro
    Die!
[14:27] Choro
    Hidebu!
[14:47] Kid
    Look! Poop!
[14:47] Guy
    Look at that shit.
[14:48] Mom
    Don't stare at them!
[14:49] ---
    It's poop!
[14:50] ---
    It sure is.
[14:51] ---
    Gross.
[14:53] Oso
    W-We're sorry for everything...
[14:57] All
    We're sorry.
[14:59] Oso
    We won't do anything out of line anymore.
[15:04] Oso
    We promise to be loved by many!
[15:07] Oso
    So please...
[15:08] Kara
    Turn us back to normal!
[15:10] All
    We beg of you!
[15:14] Mono
    Do you know your place now,
     you pieces of shit?
[15:17] Mono
    You have no place in the third season.
[15:20] Mono
    If you agree to that, we will
    restore your original forms.
[15:27] All
    Okay!
[15:28] Mono
    Repent and live humble lives!
[15:31] All
    Yes, sir!
[15:40] All
    Yay!
[15:41] All
    We're back!
[15:43] All
    Thank goodness!
SIGN    Shin Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    Japan  VS  Mr. Osomatsu
[16:08] Iyami
    Everyone loves us!
[16:12] Iyami
    Me doesn't care as long as me gets paid.
[16:15] Fake Oso
    Everyone! Hello out there!
[16:18] Fake Oso
    I'm the eldest brother, Matsuno Osomatsu!
[16:20] Fake oso
    Thank you for all your support!
[16:22] Fake oso
    We love you all!
[16:27] Fake Kara
    Life is pretty rough, isn't it?
[16:29] Fake kara
    But when things look bad, just think of
    all the funny things we do, and cheer up!
[16:36] Fake kara
    We'll save you with laughter!
[16:40] Fake choro
    What exactly is entertainment?
[16:43] Fake choro
    Our one and only wish... is to make
    sure all of you are on this ship with us.
[16:50] Fake choro
    I hope you'll come with us.
    This series is always with you.
[16:54] Fan
    Choro!
[16:55] Fake Ichi
    We are all equal. We are all friends.
[16:58] Fans
    Ichi!
[16:59] Fake jyushi
    Let's all connect!
    Let our bonds grow stronger!
[17:02] Fake todo
    That's season 3 of Mr. Osomatsu.
[17:05] Fake todo
    This is how...
[17:06] All
    ...it should be!
[17:16] All
    Shut the hell up!
[17:23] Fake oso
    G-Guys... Violence is not the answer!
[17:26] Oso
    Shut up!
[17:28] Fake kara
    Let's cheer everyone up!
[17:29] Fake choro
    Entertainment we create with the fa—
[17:31] Choro
    Eat shit!
[17:33] Deka
    S-Stop...
[17:33] Hata
    Jo...
[17:34] Jyu
    Wake up!
SIGN    Shin Mr. Osomatsu
[17:36] Fake ichi
    Stop! People are going to hate us!
[17:38] Kara
    Yeah!
[17:40] Fake ichi
    No!
[17:40] Kara
    Service time!
[17:46] Ichi
    First Form: Kitty Slash!
[18:17] Iya
    Sheeeh!
[18:42] Fake Oso
    Guys, please wait!
[18:45] Fake oso
    Don't worry. We'll always
    accept you with open arms!
[18:54] Fake kara
    Let us accept diversity!
[18:56] Fake choro
    It doesn't matter who the protagonists are!
[18:58] Fake ichi
    Now, let us begin anew!
[19:00] All
    With all 24 of us!
[19:16] Iya
    Sheeeh! The future stars!
[19:21] Iya
    Boys... What are those...
[19:25] Iya
    baggies?
[19:32] Iya
    Sheeeh! You were doing the one
    thing you absolutely cannot do!
[19:37] Toto
    Wow, they really did that.
    Guess we'll need replacements.
[19:40] Chibi
    Yup.
[19:42] Oso
    I guess that means the six of us
[19:44] Oso
    can be the stars of season 3 again.
[19:48] Choro
    I mean, we did replace them.
[19:50] Jyushi
    Yay!
[19:51] Toto
    There's nothing to cheer about.
[19:53] Kara
    I guess you preferred us after all.
[19:55] Toto
    Absolutely not.
[19:56] Todo
    Thank goodness.
[19:56] Jyushi
    Yay! Yay! Yay!
[19:57] Ichi
    Thank goodness.
[19:58] Toto
    There's nothing good about it!
[19:59] All
    Thank goodness!
[20:00] Toto
    This sucks!
[20:02] Toto
    Don't start the show!
[21:38] Oso
    Man... That was close.
[21:42] Oso
    Our spot as the stars was almost stolen.
[21:46] Kara
    How futile.
[21:47] Todo
    Let's just do what we usually do.
[21:49] Jyushi
    Let's take it easy.
SIGN    Matsuno
SIGN    Delivery
[21:57] Guy
    Delivery!
SIGN    To Be Continued
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:34] Oso
    Hey, hey, Osomatsu here.
[23:36] Oso
    I thought we were saved from being replaced,
[23:38] Oso
    but I guess we get new characters next week.
[23:41] Oso
    Man, we're busy.
[23:43] Oso
    New encounters, changing surroundings...
[23:46] Oso
    We're NEETs to begin with
    because all that is a pain.
SIGN    "Delivery" etc.
[23:50] Oso
    I guess a lot can happen after three seasons.

E2 - Delivery
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:05] Choro
    Hey, it's been a while.
[00:06] Todo
    It has.
[00:07] Choro
    How long has it been?
[00:08] Todo
    Since we ate at that shop in Nishi Azabu?
[00:09] Choro
    Man, that place was great.
SIGN    Third  Son
SIGN    Matsuno  Choromatsu
SIGN    Fourth Son
SIGN    Matsuno  Ichimatsu
SIGN    Youngest  Son
SIGN    Matsuno Todomatsu
SIGN    Dimwit Generation
[00:19] Choro
    Well, by some miracle,
SIGN    Fourth Son
    Matsuno Ichimatsu
SIGN    Third Son
    Matsuno Choromatsu
SIGN    Youngest Son
    Matsuno Todomatsu
[00:21] Choro
    our third season has started.
[00:23] Todo
    Yeah.
[00:24] choro
    What are we supposed to do now?
[00:27] Choro
    What does society want from us?
SIGN    What do they want from us?
[00:30] Todo
    I don't think they want anything.
[00:32] Todo
    No one expects a damn thing from us.
[00:34] Todo
    Right, Ichimatsu-niisan?
[00:39] Todo
    You should probably talk,
    since we're on TV and all.
[00:43] Todo
    Want to go home, then?
[00:43] Choro
    S-Say, you two.
[00:45] Choro
    Why don't we talk about our passionate
    hopes and excitement for season 3?
SIGN    Excitement for season 3
[00:50] Todo
    What? No way. What a pain.
[00:52] Choro
    Hey.
[00:53] Choro
    Hey!
[00:54] Todo
    You're sure rarin' to go, Choromatsu-niisan.
[00:56] Choro
    Don't say that.
[00:58] Ichi
    Always trying to put yourself
    out there, Fapttish Fold.
[01:01] Choro
    Who the hell are you calling Fapttish Fold?!
[01:04] Choro
    What do you guys think we should do, then?
[01:07] Ichi
    Let's end this today.
[01:08] Choro
    What?!
[01:09] Ichi
    We're trying too hard with a third season.
[01:11] Ichi
    Our generation is over.
SIGN    Our generation is over
[01:14] Todo
    Well, that was certainly profound.
[01:16] Choro
    What's so funny about that?
[01:19] Todo
    Well, first off, with season 3...
[01:21] Todo
    We probably shouldn't show the other three.
[01:24] Todo
    I don't think this show will ever
    be popular with them in it.
[01:28] Both
    Yeah, for real, right?
[01:30] Choro
    Well said, Totty! The three
    of us aren't too bad.
[01:34] Choro
    It's the other three who are messed up.
SIGN    The other three
[01:36] Ichi
    Yeah. We all know that.
[01:38] Todo
    I heard that those three are all still NEETs!
[01:41] Both
    What?!
[01:43] Todo
    Here's the kicker. They've never had
    girlfriends and are still virgins.
[01:47] Both
    What?!
[01:48] Choro
    Those poor fools.
[01:50] Ichi
    Those poor fools.
[01:52] Todo
    So, yeah, the oldest one...
    What's his name again?
[01:56] Choro
    I don't even want to say it. Osomatsu?
[01:58] Todo
    Yeah, yeah, that dude.
[01:59] Choro
    That guy should never be allowed on TV.
[02:02] Choro
    You need to mosaic his whole self.
[02:05] Ichi
    The second oldest, Shittymatsu,
    is ***. So he's **** and .
[02:10] Ichi
    He's messing with the law here.
[02:12] Ichi
    Someone throw his ass in jail already!
[02:14] Todo
    So the yellow guy who's the fifth brother...
[02:16] Todo
    You know, I think he's
    messing with something.
[02:18] Choro
    Totally!
[02:19] Ichi
    Totally.
[02:20] Todo
    I mean, you don't act like that if you're not.
[02:23] Todo
    He's way too eccentric!
[02:25] Todo
    So as the normal ones, we three
    have to do our best for season 3.
[02:29] Todo
    Let's get rid of those idiots.
    Starting today, we're triplets.
[02:31] Choro
    Yeah! That's a great idea.
[02:34] Ichi
    Yeah, but, like...
[02:36] Ichi
    The other three are probably going
    to turn up on this show next week.
[02:40] Todo
    That's right!
[02:41] Choro
    Those three are definitely
    going to pull something!
[02:45] All
    Please don't watch next week!
SIGN    "Hatabou EATS"
[04:25] Hata
    I'm here to pick up, jo.
[04:27] Chibi
    Here you go, thanks.
[04:32] Hata
    Jo!
[04:34] Hata
    Jo...
[04:36] Oso
    You got this? You good?
[04:38] ---
    I think that's too much for you, Hatabou.
[04:39] Chibi
    Why did you even start this job?
SIGN    Hatabou
[04:43] Chibi
    Come on, Osomatsu.
[04:44] Oso
    Yeah.
[04:49] Oso
    There. You good now?
[04:50] Hata
    Yup. Thanks, jo.
[04:53] Hata
    Here I go, jo.
SIGN    Hybrid Oden
[04:56] Oso
    Yeah, I don't see this working.
[04:59] Chibi
    Don't give up yet! There's still a chance.
SIGN    Hybrid Oden
[05:09] Hata
    Jo!
[05:10] Chibi
    Well? You good now?
[05:12] Hata
    Yup. Thanks, jo.
[05:14] Hata
    I'm off to make my delivery, jo.
SIGN    Hybrid Oden
SIGN    Hybrid Oden
[05:25] Hata
    Thanks. I'm off to make my delivery, jo.
[05:29] Oso
    He finally made it!
[05:31] Chibi
    Hell yeah!
[05:32] Oso
    You've got this, Hatabou!
[05:33] Chibi
    You can do it, Hatabou!
[05:36] Oso
    Yeah! Look at you go!
[05:36] Chibi
    Yeah!
[05:49] Iya
    You're late!
[05:50] Uggo
    What time do you think it is?!
[05:52] Hata
    Thanks for waiting, jo.
    Here's the food you ordered, jo.
[05:58] Iyami
    Sheeeh! Sheh!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Let's Be Quiet at Night"
[06:21] Guy
    Isn't it great?
[06:33] Guy
    We should be okay now...
[06:36] Girl
    Thank goodness.
SIGN    End
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[07:08] Narr
    Enter this woman.
[07:10] Narr
    She hates hard work.
    She hates making an effort.
[07:13] Nar
    She hates anything tiring.
[07:15] Nar
    Her only weapon is how cute her face is.
SIGN    Sham
SIGN    Surgeon: Yowai Totoko
SIGN    Matsu
[07:31] Choro
    Hey! Yowai Totoko still isn't here?
[07:34] Oso
    That woman's late again!
[07:35] Kara
    Who does she think she is? No one
    should be that much of a free spirit!
[07:41] Jyushi
    Stop trying to act all cool!
[07:43] ---
    You're ridiculously late!
[07:44] Jyushi
    At least apologize for being late!
[07:47] Toto
    I will not.
[07:48] Ichi
    If you can't wake up in the morning,
    use an alarm clock.
[07:50] Toto
    I will not.
[07:52] Kara
    You're an adult! Do everything
    five minutes early!
[07:54] Toto
    I will not.
[07:55] Choro
    Why?! Why are you late
    every single morning?!
[08:05] Toto
    Well, I can't wake up in the morning.
[08:10] All
    Huh?
[08:11] Toto
    Tehehe!
[08:13] All
    She's so cute!
[08:14] Choro
    Well, it is hard to wake 
    up early in the morning.
[08:17] Ichi
    Only stupid people wake up early.
[08:18] Oso
    We don't care as long as
    you come by every day!
[08:28] Jyushi
    Oh, no! It's an emergency!
[08:30] Oso
    Someone needs to do CPR!
[08:31] Jyushi
    How do you do that?
[08:32] Oso
    I don't know!
[08:34] Choro
    Yowai-kun!
[08:36] Choro
    You know how to do CPR, right?
[08:38] Choro
    We need you to do that
    for this patient immediately.
[08:40] Toto
    I will not.
[08:41] Kara
    CPR! Now!
[08:42] Toto
    I will not.
[08:43] Todo
    Hurry!
[08:44] Toto
    I will not.
[08:45] Choro
    Why?! Why won't you perform CPR?!
[08:53] Toto
    Because my first kiss is going
    to be with someone I love!
[08:58] Choro
    Aw, shucks! She's so pure!
[09:00] Todo
    You'd never know she hasn't had
    her first kiss yet, as cute as she is.
[09:03] Jyu
    I'm gonna be her first!
[09:04] Some
    No, me!
[09:05] Some
    No, me!
SIGN    Operation in Progress
[09:19] Oso
    An emergency operation?
    Idiots like us can't do this.
[09:22] All
    Yeah.
[09:23] Choro
    She's the only one we can count on here.
[09:29] Choro
    Yowai-sensei, please perform
    this surgery for us!
[09:32] Toto
    I will not.
[09:33] Kara
    The patient's life is at stake here!
[09:35] Toto
    I will not.
[09:36] Jyushi
    Do the operation, please?
[09:37] Toto
    I will not.
[09:38] Choro
    Why?! Why do you so vehemently
    refuse to operate?!
[09:46] Toto
    The sight of blood scares me.
[09:49] All
    Really?!
[09:51] Choro
    You're a doctor, but blood
    scares you? How cute is that?
SIGN    Invoice Dear Akatsuka University Hospital, I am invoicing the following  as the surgery fee.  I request your prompt payment.  Thank you very much. Yowai Totoko
SIGN    Invoice Dear Akatsuka University Hospital, I am invoicing the following as the exam fee.  I request your prompt payment.  Thank you very much. Yowai Totoko
SIGN    Invoice
    Dear Akatsuka University Hospital,
    I am invoicing the following as
     the making me come to work fee.
    
    I request your prompt payment. 
    Thank you very much.
    Yowai Totoko
[10:08] Toto
    A person's worth totally
    lies in their appearance.
[10:13] Some
    I know, right?!
SIGN    Director's Office
[10:14] Some
    Yeah!
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Triangle Pop"
SIGN    Full Color Baseball 
    Photo Directory
    
    Professional Player
     Profiles with Photos
[10:26] Kara
    Man, NEETs have so much time
    on their hands, Jyushimatsu.
[10:29] Jyushi
    We sure do, Karamatsu-niisan.
[10:31] Kara
    We really need to find something to do.
[10:34] Jyushi
    Yeah.
[10:35] Kara
    Huh?
[10:38] Jyushi
    What's up?
[10:40] Kara
    What is this?
SIGN    All You Can Drink
    Just 300 yen
[10:42] Kara
    It's an ad for a pervy shop.
[10:43] Jyushi
    They don't usually have those
    at convenience stores.
[10:46] Jyushi
    That's rare.
[10:46] Kara
    All you can drink for 300 yen?
    That's pretty cheap.
SIGN    You can pick whoever you want
SIGN    We want to be your Number 1
[10:51] Kara
    And they're all super cute!
[10:53] Kara
    They all look like celebrities!
[10:54] Jyushi
    Wow.
SIGN    We love you!
SIGN    We're waiting for you,  Karamatsu-kun
[10:56] Kara
    What?!
[10:57] Kara
    What's going on here?!
[10:58] Kara
    Why is this addressed to me?!
[11:05] Jyushi
    Here's the real one!
SIGN    Let's all have fun 
    getting our 
    driver's licenses!
[11:08] Kara
    Yeh.
[11:09] Jyushi
    Yeh.
SIGN    "Chair"
[11:39] Jyushi
    And... safe.
[11:40] Kara
    Way to go, Jyushimatsu.
[11:42] Jyushi
    Yeh.
SIGN    End
SIGN    Matsuno
SIGN    Delivery
SIGN    Matsuno
SIGN    Delivery
[11:48] Guy
    Delivery!
[11:51] Todo
    Yes?
[11:51] Guy
    Are you one of the Matsuno sextuplets?
[11:54] Todo
    Huh? Well, yeah, I'm the
    youngest and cutest sextuplet.
[11:58] Guy
    I've got a delivery for you.
[12:00] Todo
    Wha?
[12:01] Todo
    Huh?
[12:05] Choro
    T-Twin AIs?
[12:09] Twins
    Yes!
[12:10] Oso
    Wait. What does "AI" mean again?
[12:13] Kra
    AI... I've heard of that before.
[12:15] Kra
    But what is it?
[12:16] Todo
    What?! You guys don't know what AI means?
[12:19] Todo
    We're in the Reiwa era, you know!
[12:22] Todo
    Seriously? Get a clue, you dumb NEETs.
[12:24] Jyushi
    I guess Totty knows.
[12:26] Oso
    Way to go! Now fill us idiots in.
[12:31] Both
    So you don't know!
[12:32] Choro
    You're not cute at all, you know that?!
[12:34] Big
    AI stands for...
[12:36] Little
    AI stands for...
[12:37] Big
    Artificial intelligence.
[12:39] Little
    Basically...
[12:40] Both
    Man-made intelligence.
[12:45] All
    Oh, of course.
[12:47] Big
    I'm sure you know from watching the news
    that we are entering an age in which
[12:51] Big
    you'll be living alongside AI, right?
[12:56] Six
    Of course.
[12:58] Big
    They say that the realization of AI
    like us for general use is impossible,
[13:03] Little
    but there are places where
    it has been successful,
[13:06] Little
    and we're now going to be
    distributed to you humans.
[13:09] Big
    The more you use us,
     the more we change to fit your needs
[13:13] Big
    as we continue to adjust our algorithm.
[13:15] Little
    We use big data.
[13:17] Big
    Natural language processing.
[13:18] Little
    Machine learning.
[13:19] Big
    Deep learning.
[13:20] Little
    Neural network.
[13:21] Big
    Singularity!
[13:23] Both
    Well?
[13:25] Both
    Do you understand now?
[13:26] Oso
    I-I didn't understand a damn thing you said!
[13:29] Ichi
    I'm dizzy...
[13:30] Jyushi
    I have a fever now!
[13:31] Choro
    This is all way too advanced!
    We're from the Showa era!
[13:34] Kara
    I mean, we barely know
    what microcomputers are.
[13:37] Choro
    Yeah.
[13:38] Todo
    That's too old.
[13:38] Jyushi
    Famicom.
[13:39] Todo
    Too old.
[13:40] Old
    We've come to make all of you humans happy.
[13:43] Little
    We are support AI.
    Please use us however you'd like.
[13:47] Ichi
    You guys are shady.
[13:48] Choro
    Seriously, what?
[13:49] Choro
    More importantly, who made you guys?
[13:52] Ichi
    Who sent you guys?
[13:53] Choro
    Where were you made?
[13:57] Ichi
    See? They shut up.
[13:58] Choro
    That's super shady.
[13:59] Jyushi
    Where did you guys come from?
[14:02] Both
    Whisper, whisper, whisper.
[14:05] Jyushi
    They said the third sector.
[14:07] All
    Third sector?
[14:09] Jyu
    Apparently the NPO.
[14:10] All
    NPO?
[14:11] Todo
    What's that again?
[14:12] Ichi
    Shady, I tell you.
[14:14] Ichi
    Let's ask them to leave.
[14:16] Choro
    Yeah.
[14:17] Both
    Wait, wait, wait!
[14:18] Oso
    Why, though?! This seems awesome!
[14:19] Choro
    Huh?
[14:20] Jyushi
    Let's try them out!
[14:21] Ichi
    Seriously? Why would we do that?
[14:25] Big
    Please use us.
[14:26] Little
    Please use us.
[14:27] Both
    You are very lucky people who
    were chosen from the many.
[14:32] Oso
    Wait! We were chosen?!
[14:35] Jyushi
    Heck yeah! I have no idea what's
    going on, but heck yeah!
[14:37] Kara
    Well, we are stars. I see.
[14:40] Kara
    You should've told us that earlier.
[14:41] Todo
    Being told that we're chosen has me hyped!
[14:47] Oso
    So... why did you choose us?
[14:50] Big
    Because you're that type of people.
[14:53] All
    Huh?
[14:54] Kara
    What type?
[14:56] Little
    When they were discussing what kind of
    people they should send support AIs to,
[14:59] Little
    it was decided that they needed
    to help out all the messed-up
[15:04] Little
    bottom feeders at the bottom
    of the social pyramid.
[15:08] Kara
    What the hell kind of reason is that?!
[15:10] Todo
    It was out of pity?! Don't give us that!
[15:12] Little
    Please look at this memo.
[15:13] Both
    Memo?
SIGN    Client Memo
    Matsuno    Osomatsu | Eldest
                Karamatsu | 2nd 
              Choromatsu | 3rd
                 Ichimatsu | 4th
             Jyushimatsu | 5th
               Todomatsu | 6th
[15:15] Little
    There are support levels.
[15:17] Little
    Let's say a helpless baby that
    can't take care of itself is a 10.
[15:22] Little
    The Matsuno sextuplets have
    been placed at 4,200.
[15:27] Kara
    Are we that screwed?!
[15:29] Big
    Anyway, we look forward to...
[15:31] Both
    ...working with you from now on.
[15:33] Six
    Get out!
[15:34] Oso
    Scram!
[15:36] Oso
    No one asked for your help, jackasses!
[15:37] Todo
    Leave us alone! We're living our best lives!
[15:40] Jyushi
    Even pieces of shit have some pride!
[15:42] Big
    But it'd be very convenient if you used us.
[15:45] All
    Shut up!
[15:45] Little
    We'll help you out.
[15:47] All
    Shut up!
[15:47] Both
    We'll do whatever you ask us to.
[15:51] Oso
    A-Anything, you say?
[15:53] Jyushi
    Really?
[15:54] Both
    Yes!
[15:56] Choro
    Wha?
[15:56] Ichi
    Wha?
[15:57] Oso
    I guess I'll just ask for one thing, then...
[15:59] Both
    Hey!
[16:00] Oso
    You see... Mom asked me to clean up today.
[16:04] Oso
    Would you guys be able to do that for me?
[16:06] Both
    As you wish.
[16:09] Both
    Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...
[16:15] Oso
    Wow, not bad, artificial whatsits.
SIGN    Trash Schedule
[16:22] Jyushi
    Wow, you're so good!
[16:25] Kara
    Hey, not bad.
[16:27] Both
    We bought what you asked for.
[16:29] Todo
    Thanks so much! You guys are lifesavers!
[16:31] Jyushi
    Hey! What about this?
SIGN    Shogi
SIGN    Denmatsu Battle
[16:37] Little
    Fifty seconds.
[16:39] Little
    One, two, three, four...
[16:45] Jyushi
    I've lost.
[16:46] Big
    Thank you very much.
[16:51] Jyushi
    Holy crap! AI is no joke!
[16:53] Jyushi
    Chida-san!
[16:55] Oso
    Should I put everything on Cowboy?
SIGN    Derby
[16:57] Oso
    Which horse is gonna be lucky?
    Damn it! I have no idea...
[17:04] Oso
    For real?! You guys can even do that?!
[17:06] Oso
    I love you!
[17:08] Kara
    Karamatsu Fantasy!
[17:11] Sign
    Karamatsu
[17:14] Sign
    Karamatsu
[17:14] Sign
    You're #1
[17:14] Big
    You're so cool, Karamatsu!
[17:16] Little
    You're the best in the world!
[17:19] Kara
    Thank you, thank you!
[17:21] Todo
    Man, this is the best...
[17:26] Todo
    AI is the... best...
[17:29] ---
    AI...
[17:30] Todo
    AI!
[17:32] Todo
    AI!
[17:35] Nyaa
    Come on, let's go!
[17:37] Nyaa
    Which do you think looks better on mew?
[17:48] Choro
    VR is awesome! AI is awesome!
[17:52] Ichi
    You bastard. You betrayed me.
[17:57] Oso
    All right, did everyone get one?
[17:59] Todo
    Good work, guys!
[18:01] Jyushi
    Good work!
[18:04] Oso
    Come on, you two, take a load off.
[18:07] Oso
    We're basically family now!
[18:09] Kara
    Looking forward to a long
    future with you, Brothers!
[18:12] Jyushi
    Wipey, wipey. Wipey, wipey.
[18:15] Big
    We're very happy that we've
    been of use to you all.
[18:18] Little
    Yes, very happy.
[18:19] Big
    Isn't that great?
[18:21] Both
    Right?
[18:22] Todo
    Y-You're so cute!
[18:24] Kara
    So precious, my angels!
[18:27] Todo
    You're the best!
[18:29] Kara
    You're so cute!
[18:31] Oso
    So, hey... Just curious.
[18:35] Oso
    Do you guys know how to use the internet?
[18:37] Big
    The internet? Of course!
[18:39] Little
    We love the internet!
     What would you like us to do?
[18:43] Oso
    Play some porn for us.
[18:47] Oso
    Huh? Wait, what?
[18:49] Oso
    Uh, could you play some porn...
[18:53] Oso
    Hey, what the hell?!
    They stopped responding!
[18:56] All
    Hey, you're gonna break them!
[18:57] Both
    Compliance function activated.
[18:59] Oso
    Seriously?! Why the hell do you
    have that stupid function?!
[19:02] Oso
    Into the trash you go!
[19:03] All
    Hey!
[19:04] Big
    Excuse me.
[19:07] Big
    Our batteries are about to run out.
    Please recharge us.
[19:11] Todo
    Huh? Batteries?
[19:12] Todo
    Sure... but how?
[19:20] Todo
    Oh, so that's how. That turned
    old-school real fast.
[19:25] Choro
    Is this really okay?
[19:26] Todo
    What's wrong?
[19:27] Choro
    I mean, it's really convenient
    having them around.
[19:31] Choro
    They help out a lot. But... I don't know...
[19:35] Oso
    What the hell? You sure know
    how to rain on our parade, man.
[19:39] Choro
    I mean, we're NEETs.
    Yet we get these things?
[19:44] Choro
    Is this really okay?
[19:50] Choro
    Is this really okay? I don't think it is.
[19:53] Oso
    You can still say that?
    You're somehow amazing.
[19:55] Todo
    You're having more fun than anyone else.
[19:57] Choro
    Yeah, let's not use these things.
[20:00] Choro
    Let's return them.
[20:01] All
    Huh?!
[20:01] Kara
    What are you talking about?!
[20:02] Jyushi
    But we need them!
[20:03] Choro
    But we're NEETs, so we shouldn't have them.
[20:06] Big
    What's so bad about being NEETs?
[20:10] All
    Huh?
[20:12] Big
    Working comes with its share of risks.
[20:15] Big
    There is data concerning both
    physical and mental risks.
[20:19] Little
    In the past, humans created things
    like us so they'd have less work to do.
[20:24] Little
    Then technology advanced
    further and further,
[20:27] Little
    so humans don't have to
    work as much anymore.
[20:30] Big
    That's a wonderful thing.
[20:31] Little
    It's lovely.
[20:33] Big
    So we think that's perfectly fine.
[20:35] Little
    There's no reason for you
    to worry about being NEETs.
SIGN    Matsuno
[20:47] Big
    Thank you very much for today.
[20:49] Little
    We'll support your daily
    lives again next time.
[20:52] Both
    Goodbye.
[20:59] Oso
    W-We're NEETs, and yet...
[21:02] Kara
    They didn't look down on us.
[21:04] Jyushi
    I think... this is the first time.
[21:06] Todo
    Holy crap... AI is amazing...
[21:09] Choro
    Those guys are so frickin' amazing!
[21:14] Choro
    I can't stop crying!
[21:15] Jyushi
    Choromatsu-niisan!
[21:16] Oso
    Choromatsu!
[21:20] All
    They're so amazing!
[21:35] Big
    Little by little...
[21:36] Little
    Little by little...
SIGN    A Few Days Later
[23:15] Choro
    Say, we never asked for your names.
[23:19] Choro
    What are they?
[23:20] Big
    We do not have names.
[23:22] Little
    We do not.
[23:23] Big
    So please give us names.
[23:25] Little
    Please.
[23:26] Choro
    Huh? Me?
[23:31] Choro
    Names?
[23:32] Oso
    Names, huh?
[23:38] Oso
    Riceballs!
[23:39] Choro
    Wha?
[23:40] Oso
    You're Salmon, and you're Pickled Plum.
[23:43] Oso
    Got it?
[23:44] Both
    Yes, sir.
SIGN    End
[23:46] Choro
    What?! That's random as hell!
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Estimated Value"  etc.

E3 - Estimated Value
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Eldest Brother
SIGN    Matsuno  Osomatsu
SIGN    A Guy
SIGN    Hijirikawa  Shounosuke
SIGN    Voice  Actor
SIGN    Murakami  Kouji
SIGN    Dimwit Generation
SIGN    Eldest Son
    Matsuno Osomatsu
SIGN    A Guy
    Hijirikawa Shounosuke
SIGN    Voice Actor
    Mukakami Kouji
[01:06] Oso
    Why... How... What...
[01:13] Oso
    I can't!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Estimated Value"
[02:53] Jyushi
    Okay, Riceballs! Here we go!
[02:55] All
    Shuffle!
[03:01] All
    Okay! Who's who?
[03:05] Both
    Ichimatsu-san.
[03:07] Ichi
    Correct.
[03:08] Both
    Jyushimatsu-san.
[03:09] Jyushi
    Righto!
[03:11] Both
    Todomatsu-san.
[03:12] Todo
    You're right!
[03:13] Jyushi
    Holy crap! I guess you've
    got us all down, Riceballs!
[03:18] Older
    We've formed...
[03:19] Younger
    ...an algorithm for facial recognition.
[03:21] Oso
    Hey, do us next!
[03:24] All
    Who's who?
[03:28] Both
    Osomatsu-san.
[03:29] Oso
    You're right.
[03:30] Both
    Karamatsu-san.
[03:31] Kara
    Correct.
[03:32] Both
    Fappymatsu-san.
[03:33] Choro
    Cor— huh? Fappymatsu?!
[03:36] Choro
    Who taught them that name?!
[03:42] Todo
    AI is amazing. They just
    keep learning and growing.
[03:46] Jyushi
    They're geniuses! And they
    don't get tired like we do.
[03:49] Choro
    You're far more efficient than we are.
[03:54] Both
    Thank you very much, Tentei!
[03:56] Choro
    Who the hell taught them that?!
[03:58] Kara
    By the way, why are you Riceballs twins?
[04:01] Older
    It'd be far too big a task to
    support all six of you alone.
[04:05] Kara
    Ah, I see.
SIGN    Akatsuka Bath
[04:09] Jyushi
    This is the public bath
    we go to all the time.
[04:12] Jyushi
    Remember it, okay?
[04:15] Both
    Understood. We've extracted
    its feature values.
SIGN    Welcome
SIGN    Shop
[04:19] Jyushi
    This is the fishing hole where we kill time.
[04:21] Both
    We've extracted its feature values.
[04:24] Jyushi
    This is our battlefield.
[04:26] Jyushi
    It's a do or die here.
[04:27] Both
    We've extracted its feature values.
SIGN    Seaweed Toast
[04:32] Jyushi
    That's a cat that Ichimatsu-niisan likes.
[04:34] Both
    We've extracted its feature values.
[04:36] Jyushi
    Heh. They memorized the cat.
[04:38] Todo
    Hey, would you go buy me a drink?
[04:40] Both
    Sure.
[04:41] Older
    You like carbonated beverages,
    right, Todomatsu-san?
[04:43] Todo
    Bingo!
[04:46] Todo
    Man, they're adorable.
    They do anything you ask them to.
SIGN    Seaweed Toast
[04:49] Todo
    Talk about convenient machines.
[04:50] Jyushi
    Machines?! Totty, you
    call those two machines?
[04:54] Todo
    Huh? Is something weird about that?
[04:57] Both
    We bought your drink. Here you go.
[04:59] Todo
    Thank you! I love you two!
[05:01] Todo
    And your ears are like...
    super cool and stuff...
[05:04] Choro
    AIs is amazing...
[05:05] Choro
    They seriously have, like, no flaws.
[05:07] Oso
    Hey, Riceballs. Do something
    funny for me, too.
[05:13] Todo
    Guess they're ignoring you, Osomatsu-niisan.
[05:15] Choro
    As I said, they have no flaws.
[05:16] Oso
    Why?! Am I that boring to them?!
[05:20] Kara
    Why don't we go see Chibita?
[05:24] Kara
    Allow me to introduce the
    brothers I'm so proud of.
[05:28] Choro
    They aren't your brothers, though.
[05:29] Todo
    Karamatsu-niisan, those two
    are tools for all of us to use.
[05:34] Jyushi
    Tools?!
[05:35] Todo
    Huh? Is something weird about that?
[05:38] Kara
    All right, let's go!
[05:39] Both
    Let's go!
[05:43] Todo
    Huh? Where are you going, Osomatsu-niisan?
[05:45] Oso
    I'm gonna go hit on some cute girl.
[05:47] Todo
    Like that's ever worked.
[05:51] Jyushi
    You're not going, Ichimatsu-niisan?
[05:54] Ichi
    No. I'm tired.
[05:56] Jyushi
    Oh, yeah...
[05:59] Kara
    I can't wait!
[06:00] Choro
    Introduce them right.
[06:02] Todo
    Yeah.
SIGN    Baldy
[06:05] Chibi
    You idjits! Who the hell do you think I am?
[06:07] Chibi
    I already have an AI.
[06:10] All
    Huh?
[06:11] Choro
    You already have an AI, Chibita?
[06:13] Choro
    Even though you're from the Showa era?
[06:15] Chibi
    Here it is.
[06:18] Choro
    What is that?
[06:19] Chibi
    Oden AI.
[06:25] Chibi
    Even cooking has entered the AI era.
[06:29] Chibi
    You guys can have a taste.
[06:30] Chibi
    Eat up!
[06:32] Todo
    Oh, I know! Why don't you have them give
     an estimated value of your oden?
[06:36] Chibi
    Estimated value?
[06:38] Chibi
    What's that?
[06:39] Todo
    These machines are super convenient!
[06:41] Todo
    They'll give numerical ratings for things
    so we can easily understand their value.
[06:44] Chibi
    Huh...
[06:46] Todo
    Hey, show me the estimated
    value of that oden.
[06:48] Both
    As you wish. We will determine
    its estimated value.
[06:57] Both
    The results are in.
[06:58] older
    Its estimated value out of 100...
[07:02] younger
    ...is 86.
[07:05] Chibi
    Not bad, if I do say so myself.
[07:07] Chibi
    I'll let you off the hook.
[07:08] Choro
    Now that that's out of the way...
[07:10] Choro
    This is Chibita.
[07:12] Choro
    He's our childhood friend.
[07:14] Kara
    He's always loved oden and
    now runs this oden stand.
[07:20] Todo
    He's hard-headed, hates to lose,
    and is stubborn as a mule,
[07:22] Todo
    and he's a crybaby.
[07:24] Chibi
    Shut up, you jackass!
[07:29] Chibi
    I'm Chibita. Please to meet ya.
[07:32] Older
    Chibita, who makes delicious oden.
[07:35] Both
    We've extracted his feature values.
[07:37] Chibi
    Oh? Well, aren't you cute?
[07:40] Kara
    All right, we've got Chibita covered.
[07:43] Todo
    On to the next one!
[07:45] Both
    We have a question.
[07:47] Kara
    What's up?
[07:48] Older
    Why do you call someone who's your childhood
    friend something awful like "Chibita"?
[07:54] Todo
    Huh?
[07:55] Choro
    What do you mean?
[07:56] Younger
    Calling someone of a shorter
    stature "chibi" is rude.
[08:00] Older
    Isn't that an insult?
[08:01] Younger
    Isn't that discriminatory?
[08:02] Todo
    Huh? No, it's not an insult.
[08:05] Kara
    We don't mean anything bad by it.
[08:07] Older
    But "chibi" would be classified
    as a derogatory term.
[08:10] Three
    Derogatory?!
[08:11] Older
    It is an expression of contempt.
[08:13] Younger
    You are mocking him,
    or possibly looking down on him.
[08:17] Todo
    We're not, though.
    What are you talking about?
[08:19] Todo
    Right, Chibita?
[08:21] Chibi
    Y-You guys... You guys always
    thought of me that way?
[08:26] All
    Chibita?!
[08:28] Choro
    We're not making fun of you!
[08:29] Kara
    We're not looking down on you!
[08:30] Kara
    We call you that out of respect!
[08:32] Todo
    Well, there is a hint of
    mockery in there, but...
[08:36] Both
    You mustn't mock others.
[08:38] Todo
    But we're not! We're just
    going with the flow.
[08:41] Both
    The flow?
[08:42] Kara
    It's not like, "Damn it, Chibita!"
[08:43] Kara
    It's more like, "Come on, Chibita!"
    You can feel the love, right?
[08:50] Both
    We cannot.
[08:51] Todo
    Don't take this so seriously.
[08:53] Todo
    Just accept it.
[08:56] Both
    Accept it?
[08:57] Kara
    This is difficult...
[08:59] Kara
    How are we supposed to explain this?
[09:02] Chibi
    No way...
[09:03] Choro
    Chibita?!
[09:04] Choro
    Are you okay?! It's really
    not like that! We're sorry!
[09:10] Hata
    I'm Hatabou, jo.
[09:12] Hata
    Let's be friends, jo.
[09:13] older
    How are you still alive when you
    have a flag stuck in your head?
[09:18] Younger
    Why do you have a flag stuck in your head?
[09:22] Hata
    Why?
[09:23] Older
    Please tell us the reason why you
    have a flag stuck in your head.
[09:27] Hata
    Reason?
[09:28] Younger
    If there's no clear reason for it,
    does that mean it's useless?
[09:32] Younger
    Not only is it useless, but you may
    get hurt because of this flag,
[09:35] Younger
    as well as burden those around
    you and pose a potential risk.
[09:40] Older
    How do you feel about that?
[09:41] Younger
    Why do you have a flag stuck in your head?
[09:45] Hata
    Jo!
[09:45] Todo
    Don't take it out, Hatabou!
[09:47] Hata
    Apparently it's useless, jo.
[09:49] Kara
    It's not! It's really important!
[09:51] Choro
    The reason's pretty clear!
    The flag boy's name is Hatabou!
[09:53] Choro
    That's why he has a flag
    sticking out of his head!
[09:56] Older
    So he has a flag sticking out of his
    head because his name is Hatabou?
[10:00] Younger
    Or is his name Hatabou because
    there's a flag sticking out of his head?
[10:05] Choro
    Now it's the chicken vs. the egg debate?
[10:07] Choro
    You need to stop taking this so seriously.
[10:09] Choro
    Just accept it.
[10:10] Both
    Accept it?
[10:12] Kara
    It's all about the feeling.
[10:13] Both
    Feeling?
[10:15] Choro
    You okay, Hatabou? We're sorry!
[10:23] Dayon
    Dayon!
[10:26] Older
    Why are you able to do that?
[10:29] Older
    Please explain it in a scientific manner.
[10:31] Younger
    The amount you just sucked in doesn't
    logically match your physical volume.
[10:35] Younger
    Where did everything you sucked in go?
[10:36] Older
    Please explain.
[10:36] Dayon
    Dayon...
[10:38] Younger
    Please explain.
[10:40] Both
    In a scientific manner!
[10:42] Dayon
    I've never thought it through that far!
[10:45] All
    Dayon! We're so sorry!
[10:49] Older
    He's not wearing any clothes!
[10:51] Younger
    His nipples are exposed!
[10:52] Older
    This goes against the
    Anti-Nuisance Ordinance!
[10:54] Younger
    It's also public indecency!
[10:56] Both
    Hello, Mr. Policeman?
[10:58] Kara
    Don't report him!
[11:00] Choro
    Please stop taking pictures!
[11:01] Choro
    Please don't spread them around
    on the internet and rip him apart!
[11:05] Deka
    I'm going to get arrested...
[11:07] All
    Dekapan! We're so sorry!
SIGN    Monthly Parking
SIGN    No Unauthorized Entry
SIGN    Akatsuka Real Estate
[11:11] Totty
    What's with these guys?
    They can't take a joke!
[11:14] Both
    Joke?
[11:15] Todo
    Look. There's no deep
    meaning behind everything.
[11:18] Todo
    Just take the hint.
[11:19] Both
    Hint?
[11:22] Older
    Did we say something that was incorrect?
[11:25] Kara
    Well, I wouldn't say "incorrect," but...
[11:28] Kara
    How do we get past this nuance?
[11:31] Todo
    Maybe AI isn't that convenient after all...
[11:35] Choro
    Well, it's not exactly all your fault, either.
[11:39] Choro
    I mean, if you'd never seen those
    guys before, you'd be weirded out.
[11:43] Choro
    One of them has a flag stuck in his head.
[11:45] Choro
    Another one has a mouth like
    this that sucks everything in.
[11:48] Choro
    And we've got a middle-aged guy who
    walks around town in his boxers.
[11:52] Choro
    They're all sorta messed up.
[11:54] Todo
    True. Maybe we just got
    too complacent about it all.
[11:57] Kara
    I guess we're the weird ones here.
[12:00] Choro
    Exactly.
[12:01] Todo
    But reporting them is going too far.
[12:03] Choro
    Yeah...
[12:04] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[12:06] Iyami
    Me hasn't done anything!
[12:08] Iyami
    Who called the cops on me?!
[12:10] Both
    Hi! It was us!
[12:11] Iyami
    Sheeeh?!
[12:12] Older
    You're a menace to society!
[12:13] Younger
    You're a menace to humanity!
[12:15] Both
    We will not allow your evil deeds!
[12:16] Choro
    Yeah, you can report him immediately.
[12:18] ---
    Sheh—
[12:19] Todo
    Yeah, Iyami's different.
[12:20] Kara
    Good job, brother.
[12:22] Older
    Report Iyami immediately.
[12:24] Both
    We've extracted his feature values.
    We have adjusted our algorithm.
[12:28] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
SIGN    Uochuu
[12:33] Choro
    Well, Totoko-chan should be okay.
[12:35] Todo
    Yeah.
[12:37] Choro
    I mean, Totoko-chan doesn't have anything
    wrong with her, unlike those other weirdos.
[12:41] Kara
    She's just cute.
[12:43] Todo
    We're proud to call her
     our childhood friend.
[12:45] All
    Right?
[12:47] Toto
    Sorry to keep you waiting.
[12:48] All
    Totoko-chan! You're so cute!
[12:50] Toto
    Yup.
[12:54] Toto
    Oh, I see. Estimated values...
    They can determine that?
[12:58] Todo
    Apparently they figure it out by
    sampling a stupid amount of data,
[13:02] Todo
    so it's super accurate.
[13:05] Toto
    Really? Can I ask for one, then?
[13:08] Kara
    What are you gonna have
    them evaluate, Totoko-chan?
[13:11] Toto
    The estimated value of how cute I look.
[13:13] Kara
    That's a great idea!
[13:15] Choro
    Let's go ahead and ask!
[13:18] Toto
    AI, AI in my room...
[13:21] Todo
    She totally said that like
    "Mirror, mirror on the wall."
[13:23] Toto
    Give me an estimate of how cute I look.
[13:26] Both
    As you wish. We will determine
    your estimated value.
[13:34] Both
    The results are in.
[13:36] older
    Your estimated value...
[13:38] younger
    ...is 94.
[13:41] Choro
    That's really high! Way to go, Totoko-chan!
[13:43] Kara
    The whole world knows how cute you are!
[13:45] Todo
    Way to go!
[13:48] All
    Totoko-chan?
[13:49] Toto
    I don't get 100 points?
[13:51] All
    Huh?
[13:55] Toto
    So, you see...
[13:56] Toto
    I work as an idol wearing this costume.
[14:00] Toto
    Will you evaluate me as an idol next?
[14:03] Both
    As you wish. We will determine
    your estimated value.
[14:09] Kara
    We're counting on you,
    AI! Don't mess this up!
[14:12] Todo
    We need a high score here! A really high one!
[14:14] Choro
    Actually, just give her 100!
    Read the damn room!
[14:17] Both
    The results are in.
[14:19] Older
    Your estimated value...
[14:21] Younger
    ...is 2.
[14:25] Toto
    Hey, is this okay? Are these things okay?
[14:28] Toto
    I mean, I'm okay, but I'm wondering
    if you guys are okay with this.
[14:33] Toto
    Well, are you?!
[14:36] Toto
    Next, evaluate these.
[14:38] Toto
    All of my amazing moments up
    to now are recorded in these.
[14:42] Toto
    Could you evaluate me as a
    person from all of this data?
[14:48] Both
    As you wish.
[14:53] Both
    The results are in.
[14:54] Older
    Your estimated value...
[14:56] Younger
    ...is shit.
[15:08] All
    Huh?
[15:08] Todo
    T-T-Totoko-chan?
[15:10] Kara
    Totoko-chan?!
[15:14] All
    What?!
[15:15] All
    Totoko-chan?!
[15:18] Todo
    Wait, no! Seriously, we're sorry!
[15:20] Kara
    You've got it all wrong, Totoko-chan!
    These things are broken!
[15:22] Kara
    That's why they keep giving
    us these messed up results!
[15:25] Choro
    Right?! You guys are broken, right?!
[15:27] Both
    No. The results we presented
    earlier are accurate.
[15:30] All
    What?!
[15:32] All
    Totoko-chan?!
[15:34] Older
    This person is selfish, conceited,
    and speaks in a vulgar way.
[15:38] All
    Totoko-chan!
[15:39] Younger
    She's a bad person who doesn't
    work and is frequently violent.
[15:44] All
    Totoko-chan!
[15:45] Older
    Did we say something that was incorrect?
[15:48] Kara
    You've said nothing but lies!
    Get a damn clue!
[15:50] Todo
    Read the room!
[15:52] Both
    The room?
[15:53] Older
    We only fulfilled their requests.
    I wonder why they're dissatisfied.
[15:58] Younger
    Humans sure are difficult.
[16:00] Both
    Right?
[16:01] Kara
    Crap! Totoko-chan just started dancing!
[16:05] Todo
    Oh, God! She's dancing!
[16:07] Choro
    That means... it's about to begin!
[16:16] Oso
    Man, it's so weird...
[16:18] Oso
    Why aren't I popular?
[16:21] Oso
    I guess I can ask Salmon
    and Pickled Plum next time.
[16:25] Both
    Oh, Osomatsu-san.
[16:27] Oso
    Oh, my. What happened?
[16:38] Older
    Today wasn't good.
[16:40] Younger
    It sure wasn't.
[16:42] Older
    We need them to like us more.
[16:44] Younger
    We do indeed.
[16:47] Both
    Him, too.
[16:51] Song
    Magic Angel Magi Lunatic Icchi
SIGN    Magic Angel
    Magi Lunatic Icchi
[16:58] Song
    It's sort of unbelievable
[17:01] Song
    This situation
[17:03] Song
    This loneliness is just
    a peek into my dreams
[17:09] Song
    No, seriously, my feelings
[17:12] Song
    Are going to overflow
[17:13] Song
    (Magic Angel)
[17:15] Song
    Angel, angel, angel,
[17:18] Song
    If I could only be one
[17:22] Song
    And then I'll be the one
[17:25] Song
    To bring you happiness
[17:28] Song
    But for now, it's a secret
[17:31] Song
    Magi Lunatic Icchi
SIGN    I'm a Magic Angel?  No Way!
[17:39] Ichi
    I'm a Magic Angel? No Way!
[17:48] Ichi
    I'm going to be late!
[17:50] Ichi
    Gosh! Why didn't Mom wake me up earlier?
[17:58] Ichi
    Owie...
[18:01] Ichi
    My name is Matsuno Ichimi.
[18:04] Ichi
    I'm just an ordinary middle school student.
[18:06] Ichi
    You see... there's something
    wrong with me lately.
[18:09] Ichi
    My chest keeps tightening up...
[18:13] ---
    Like it's pounding, or maybe throbbing.
[18:17] Ichi
    I've never had this happen before.
[18:19] Ichi
    And I'm pretty sure the reason is... him.
[18:23] Girl
    Jyushi-senpai!
[18:24] Girl
    Jyushi-senpai!
[18:25] Girl
    Notice me!
[18:25] Girl
    You're so cool!
[18:28] Ichi
    The third-year, Jyushi-senpai.
[18:31] Ichi
    He's so smart, athletic,
    super cheerful, and nice.
[18:35] Ichi
    He's basically sunshine personified.
[18:38] Ichi
    If only someone that
    wonderful was my boyfriend.
[18:45] Ichi
    But I...
SIGN    After School
[18:53] Ichi
    J-Jyushi-senpai!
[18:59] Ichi
    Ichimi, give it to him.
[19:01] Ichi
    What are you waiting for?
    You'll never have a chance like this again!
[19:04] Ichi
    H-Hurry!
[19:07] Ichi
    Come on, Ichimi! Show some courage!
[19:19] Ichi
    Ah, I can't! I don't have
    that kind of courage!
[19:23] Ichi
    Ugh! I'm so stupid, stupid, stupid!
[19:27] Ichi
    Sigh...
[19:31] Ichi
    What?!
[19:33] Totoko
    Well, hello there.
[19:35] Ichi
    I-I-It just spoke?!
[19:38] Totoko
    Starting today, you're going
    to be a Magic Angel!
[19:41] Totoko
    I'll give you this magical wand,
[19:43] Totoko
    so turn really cute, gain some
    confidence, and enjoy a lovely romance!
[19:47] Ichi
    I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't!
[19:49] Ichi
    There's no way I could ever be cute!
[19:52] Totoko
    Ah, but you can!
[19:54] Totoko
    Here!
[19:55] Totoko
    Now, fill this wand with
    all of your true feelings!
[20:00] Ichi
    My true... feelings?
[20:02] Totoko
    Yup!
[20:12] Totoko
    Huh?
[20:13] Ichi
    Man, it must be nice to be them.
[20:15] Ichi
    I'm so jealous.
[20:18] Ichi
    If only I could be like them, too.
[20:21] Totoko
    U-Um...
[20:23] Ichi
    But I can't...
[20:25] Ichi
    Because I'm a piece of shit.
[20:27] Ichi
    I'm gloomy, annoying, and ugly.
    I'll just be a burden.
[20:30] Ichi
    Um...
[20:40] Ichi
    Why can't they...
[20:42] Ichi
    all just die already?
[20:45] Song
    Magic Angel Magi Lunatic Icchi
[21:03] Ichi
    Magi Lunatic Icchi!
[21:05] Totoko
    The hell? This isn't how
    this was supposed to end!
[21:07] Girl
    Jyushi! Jyushi-senpai!
[21:10] Ichi
    Lunatic Magi Luna Hell Fire!
[21:15] Toto
    She's so powerful...
[21:17] Ichi
    Lunatic Magi Luna Hell Go To Hell!
[21:23] Toto
    So cruel...
[21:25] Ichi
    Off with your head ♥
[21:27] Ichi
    Die ♥
[21:31] Ichi
    Magic is so fun!
[21:39] Ichi
    Jyushi-senpai...
[21:42] Ichi
    Please read this.
[21:46] Jyushi
    You monster!
[21:51] Ichi
    You're not getting away from me ♪
SIGN    The End
[22:04] Jyushi
    She's dancing!
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:39] Ichi
    Next time on Magic Angel Magi Lunatic Icchi...
[23:41] Ichi
    What a surprise! They're turning
    into Magic Angels, too?
[23:44] Ichi
    Another rival appears
    for Senpai's affections?
[23:47] Ichi
    No way!
[23:49] Ichi
    Yeah, none of that is happening.
SIGN    "Unit Formed"  etc.
[23:51] Ichi
    There is no continuation. Just die.

E4 - Unit Formed
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:09] Todo
    Why did you call me out here
    so late, Ichimatsu-niisan?
[00:12] Todo
    I'm pretty tired.
[00:16] Ichi
    I'm going to start recording
    my radio program now.
[00:19] Todo
    What? Radio?
[00:25] Todo
    A-And you're using a cassette tape...
SIGN    "Ichimatsu Radio"
[00:29] Todo
    Huh?
[00:31] Ichi
    To all of you spending this
    lonely night all alone...
[00:33] Ichi
    I'm here to bring you
    some comfort and laughs.
[00:36] Ichi
    Now, let us enjoy another
    lonely night together.
[00:40] Ichi
    This is Matsuno Ichimatsu's 
    Deep Night Hour.
[00:44] Ichi
    Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow...
[00:49] Todo
    He just started meowing
    the show's opening theme!
[00:50] Ichi
    Meow, meow, meow...
[00:53] Todo
    Wait, what the hell?
[00:54] Todo
    I knew Ichimatsu-niisan was disappearing
    randomly in the middle of the night,
[00:57] Todo
    but this is what he was doing by himself?
[00:59] Todo
    Is this an original show? Why, though?
[01:02] Todo
    He's so cringe...
[01:04] Ichi
    So I was walking through the
    park by myself the other day,
[01:09] Ichi
    and there was this young
    couple sitting on a bench...
[01:12] Todo
    Now he's talking about something
    that happened to him!
[01:14] Todo
    Now he's trying to act like a comedian!
[01:16] Ichi
    Come on, Director Kanda.
    Why you gotta be like that?
[01:19] Todo
    So the control room's on the
    other side of the window,
[01:21] Todo
    and there's supposedly a director there?
[01:23] Ichi
    Wait, what was that, Director Kanda?
[01:25] Ichi
    I couldn't hear you.
[01:27] Todo
    Now he's pretending to mess
    with his headphones.
[01:29] Ichi
    Wait, I'm still on mute? Crap!
[01:32] Todo
    And now he's messing with the mute button.
SIGN    Ichimatsu: "Wait, I'm still on mute? Crap!"     Ichimatsu: "And so, this program is brought to you by  Pierrot, TV Tokyo, Avex, and Fuji Pro."
[01:34] Ichi
    And so, this program is brought to you by
    Pierrot, TV Tokyo, Avex, and Fuji Pro.
[01:40] Todo
    He just listed off sponsors!
[01:42] Ichi
    Meow, meow, meow... 
    Ichimatsu's Deep Night Hour.
[01:48] Todo
    A jingle?!
[01:50] Ichi
    We're bringing this program
    to you live yet again.
[01:53] Todo
    It's live? But you're recording.
[01:55] Ichi
    I said this on last week's show, too, but...
[01:58] Todo
    You did this last week, too?
[02:00] Ichi
    This episode is our program's 32nd episode.
[02:04] Todo
    That's a lot! Also...
[02:06] Todo
    You don't need to straighten out the clip!
[02:08] Todo
    Don't act like you're trying to
    think of something to talk about!
[02:11] Ichi
    I wonder what our loyal Ichiners are like.
[02:14] Todo
    Ichiners?!
[02:15] Todo
    You mean the listeners? You gave your
    listeners an original nickname?!
[02:19] Todo
    But not a single soul has
    listened to this program.
[02:22] Ichi
    Okay, calm down, guys.
[02:24] Ichi
    No one's going to get why this is hilarious
    if they just tuned in right now.
[02:28] Todo
    You just wanted to say that.
[02:30] Ichi
    And then they made this face.
[02:34] Ichi
    Dude, our audience can't see
    your face! We're on the radio!
[02:39] Todo
    You just wanted to say that.
[02:41] Ichi
    Gah, could we cut that part out?
    Wait, this is live.
[02:45] Todo
    You just wanted to say that!
[02:47] Ichi
    We'll continue this after a commercial break.
[02:50] Todo
    Wait, there are commercials?!
[02:58] Todo
    The really heavy door
    used for soundproofing.
[03:02] Todo
    There are two. This is so detailed.
[03:05] Todo
    Spending the commercial break
    picking emails to read.
[03:08] Todo
    Talking with the staff.
[03:10] Todo
    Having a bite of catering.
[03:11] Ichi
    Thirty seconds until we're back on air.
[03:14] Todo
    That's not enough to get
    him to come back in.
[03:17] Ichi
    Ichimatsu-san!
[03:17] Todo
    He finally makes a move
    ten seconds before...
[03:20] Todo
    He's trying to imply he's got
    this mysterious aesthetic
[03:23] Todo
    where he'll return just in time,
[03:25] Todo
    but you should be more
    considerate of the staff
[03:27] Todo
    and get back to your seat earlier, you idiot!
[03:30] Ichi
    Deep Ni, Deep Ni, Deep Night Hour.
[03:35] Todo
    A different jingle?!
[03:37] Ichi
    The time is now 1:55 AM.
    Now for the traffic report.
[03:41] Todo
    Traffic report?! Right now?!
[03:44] Ichi
    Traffic Information Center, do your thing.
[03:47] Ichi
    And now for the traffic.
[03:49] Ichi
    We're not seeing any congestion
    throughout the Tokyo area,
[03:51] Ichi
    and the expressways seem pretty clear.
[03:53] Ichi
    However, there is a slow-down warning
    in effect due to rain and thick fog,
[03:56] Ichi
    so the Kan-Etsu Expressway,
    Joshin-Etsu Expressway,
[03:58] Ichi
    as well as the Chuo
    Expressway northbound...
[04:00] Todo
    Why's he so good reading at the script?
    How much did he practice?!
[04:04] Ichi
    Thanks for the traffic update.
[04:06] Ichi
    Next up is this segment...
[04:08] Ichi
    "Dreams of Bad Kitties."
[04:12] Todo
    Now it's a listener mail segment.
[04:13] Ichi
    Here's our first message from
    pen-name Märchen Kitty.
[04:18] Todo
    He's reading off mail he wrote himself.
[04:21] Todo
    How do you feel reading this?
    What is the point?
[04:23] Todo
    I mean, that basically sums up
    this whole radio program...
[04:27] Ichi
    What's with that punchline?
    That's messed up.
[04:30] Todo
    He's riffing on himself.
[04:33] Todo
    He's laughing at himself.
[04:34] Ichi
    Seriously, what the heck am
    I supposed to do with this?
[04:39] Todo
    He's suggesting this show has regular
    listeners, but he wrote this himself...
[04:43] Ichi
    Märchen Kitty gets a Kitty Punch.
[04:46] Todo
    Original novelty merch?!
[04:48] Todo
    He just read mail he wrote himself,
    then he riffed on himself,
[04:50] Todo
    laughed at himself, and then gave himself
    a novelty item that he created himself!
[04:54] Todo
    He's messed up! This whole thing is messed up!
[04:57] Ichi
    All right, here's the moment
    you've all been waiting for.
[05:00] Ichi
    We've got our show's first special guest.
[05:04] Todo
    Huh? Wait.
[05:05] Ichi
    He's our youngest brother,
    Todomatsu. Say hello.
[05:08] Todo
    What?! I'm supposed to be the guest today?!
[05:11] Todo
    What are we gonna talk about?
[05:13] Todo
    You're gonna record it? No way!
[05:14] Todo
    This is hella embarrassing! Someone save me!
SIGN    End
[05:17] Ichi
    Let's not keep them waiting.
SIGN    "Unit Formed"
SIGN    Battle of the Bands
SIGN    Hashimoto Nyaa     Yowai Totoko
[06:57] Choro
    You're so cute, Nyaa-chan!
[07:03] Totoko
    Don't tear off my scales,
    my heart is so full!
[07:08] Choro
    Let me get one more serving!
[07:09] Choro
    You're so cute, Totoko-chan!
[07:09] Totoko
    Love is just an illusion!
[07:11] Choro
    Fish dried overnight!
[07:13] Totoko
    Everyone's breathing through gills
[07:15] Choro
    Glug, glug, glug, yay!
[07:21] Toto
    It's no use. I'm not attracting
    any more people.
[07:25] Toto
    I wonder why. Men in this world
    just have no taste anymore.
[07:28] Toto
    I mean, just look how cute I am!
[07:32] Toto
    Did I get this character wrong, though?
[07:35] Toto
    Two points?
[07:36] Toto
    But I'm the daughter of a fishmonger,
    so I have to stick with fish.
[07:40] Toto
    I'm gonna see this through.
[07:44] Nyaa
    Yowai Totoko.
[07:45] Toto
    Hashimoto Nyaa.
[07:49] Both
    Hmph.
[07:54] Toto
    Hey, wait.
[07:56] Toto
    Didn't you retire from your idol career?
[07:59] Toto
    Remember? You married some fool
    who thought he was hot stuff
[08:02] Toto
    because of his internet business.
[08:04] Nyaa
    Huh? Like I'd ever retire.
[08:07] Nyaa
    I mean, I actually have 
    an audience, unlike you.
[08:10] Totoko
    Wha?
[08:10] Nya
    Wha?
[08:11] Toto
    Wha?!
[08:12] Nya
    Wha?!
[08:13] Both
    Whaaaa?!
[08:18] Toto
    You sure have changed, you know that?
[08:20] Toto
    What's with you? You weren't
    like this when were in school.
[08:25] Toto
    You looked up to me like crazy,
[08:27] Toto
    and waited for me outside the library
SIGN    To Totoko-senpai
[08:29] Toto
    to give me a fan letter, didn't you?
[08:32] Nya
    Y-You actually remember that?
[08:35] Toto
    Of course I do. That made
    me super happy, you know.
[08:40] Nya
    Are you stupid?! Forget about that!
[08:42] Nya
    Stop clinging to your past glories!
[08:45] Toto
    Shut up, uggo!
[08:46] Nya
    You're the uggo, uggo!
[08:47] Nya
    See ya.
[08:48] Toto
    Keh.
[08:52] Nya
    Hey, Yowai Totoko.
[08:54] Toto
    Huh?
[08:57] Nya
    You see...
[09:00] Toto
    Huh? What's up?
[09:02] Nya
    No, never mind.
[09:05] Nya
    See ya.
[09:08] Toto
    Could you not fart at me?! Holy crap, it reeks!
[09:13] Toto
    It reeks!
[09:19] Toto
    Hashimoto Nyaa! A-Are you okay?
[09:31] toto
    Hey, you're awake now? You okay?
[09:33] toto
    You just suddenly keeled over.
    It freaked me out.
[09:38] Nya
    Sorry...
[09:39] Nya
    Wait, what time is it?! I have to get home!
[09:43] Toto
    Wait, no! You can't!
[09:45] Toto
    More importantly, you need to go
    to the hospital. I'll take you.
[09:49] Nya
    No, I'm fine.
[09:50] Toto
    No! We're going right now.
[09:52] Nya
    It's fine. I don't have money, anyway.
[09:53] Toto
    Wait, why don't you have money?
[09:55] Toto
    Your husband's loaded, isn't he?
[09:58] Nya
    My husband's... gone.
[10:01] Toto
    What?
[10:01] Nya
    We divorced. He's out of my life.
[10:04] Toto
    Huh?
[10:19] Toto
    What?!
[10:22] Toto
    You're a single mother?!
[10:24] Toto
    You're kidding, right?! The hell?!
[10:26] Uggo
    See ya.
[10:27] Nya
    Sorry about this. And thank you.
[10:30] Uggo
    No worries!
[10:32] Toto
    Y-You are definitely holding a baby...
[10:35] Nya
    I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Here, all yours.
[10:40] Nya
    And be careful to support the head.
[10:45] Toto
    Hey, wait! Don't just
    suddenly give me a baby!
[10:48] Toto
    I don't know how to hold one! Someone
    tell me the right way to hold a baby!
[10:53] Toto
    What am I even doing?
[10:56] Toto
    Um... so where does my right
    hand and my left hand go?
[11:00] Toto
    I don't know the right way to hold a baby.
SIGN    Combustible  Garbage
[11:02] Toto
    M-My arms are getting tired,
    but I can't move from this position.
[11:06] Toto
    I don't know how to move my arms.
    She said I need to support the head...
[11:11] Toto
    I'm scared to hold it...
[11:14] Toto
    Its hands are so tiny...
    Its feet are so tiny...
[11:17] Toto
    It's actually alive!
[11:20] Toto
    I'm scared that if I make one wrong move,
     I'm going to break it!
[11:32] Toto
    Goo... Goo.
[11:38] Toto
    Wait, no way!
[11:42] Toto
    Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
[11:44] Toto
    It's crying! It's crying! It's crying!
[11:46] Toto
    Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
[11:47] Toto
    It's crying! It's crying! It's crying!
[11:49] Toto
    It's crying! Someone save me!
[11:53] Toto
    Goo! Goo! There, there, there, there!
[12:02] Nya
    What's wrong? Is everything okay?
[12:04] Toto
    Jeez, you were gone too long, Mommy!
[12:08] Nya
    Wait, you were the one crying?
[12:10] Toto
    Mommy!
[12:11] Nya
    Quit calling me Mommy!
[12:21] Toto
    Wow...
[12:23] Nya
    Being a single mother and still trying
    to be an idol... It's silly, right?
[12:27] Nya
    I have no money. I'm exhausting my body,
    and it's hard mentally, too.
SIGN    Fight
[12:33] Nya
    But I don't want to give up.
     I want to keep doing this.
[12:39] Nya
    Single mothers are allowed to dream, too.
[12:42] Nya
    Am I wrong, Yowai Totoko?
[12:45] Toto
    Why are babies so soft?
[12:48] Nya
    Are you even listening to me?
[12:49] Toto
    So tiny.
[12:56] Nya
    Yowai Totoko... no, Totoko-senpai.
[13:01] Nya
    There's something I want to discuss with you.
[13:05] Toto
    What?!
[13:07] Toto
    Y-Y-You want us to form a unit?
[13:10] Toto
    You mean we'd be working together?
[13:13] Nya
    Yeah.
[13:14] Toto
    Nope, nope, nope, not happening!
    I don't even like you that much.
[13:19] Nya
    And I hate your guts, too.
[13:21] Toto
    The hell?! What's your problem?!
[13:24] Nya
    But sometimes sacrifices need to be made.
[13:26] Nya
    I need more money, and I need
    to be even more popular.
[13:28] Nya
    Teaming up will help us both out.
[13:31] Toto
    Wait, you're already plenty popular.
[13:33] Nya
    No, that doesn't even count as popular.
[13:36] Nya
    I'm not pro level at all.
[13:38] Toto
    Yeah... I dunno about teaming
    up with you, though.
[13:42] Toto
    I mean, we're a cat and a fish here.
[13:44] Toto
    We're a terrible match.
[13:46] Toto
    And it feels like I'd be the loser
    in the duo. I just don't know...
[13:51] Nya
    Would you trash that weird pride of yours?
[13:54] Nya
    You're out of options, too, aren't you?
[13:56] Nya
    You're stuck, right?
[13:57] Nya
    Listen, we're in the same boat.
[14:00] Nya
    Before we know it, we're both
    gonna be hanging off the edge.
[14:12] Nya
    It's okay...
[14:13] Nya
    There, there...
[14:15] Toto
    But I'm not confident about this.
[14:18] Toto
    I've never worked with anyone in my life.
[14:22] Nya
    Then—
[14:24] Toto
    B-Besides, what would we do
    about songs and choreography?
[14:27] nya
    Don't worry. We don't even
    need songs or choreography.
[14:30] Toto
    Huh? How do you figure?
[14:32] Toto
    We're going to be idols together, right?
[14:34] Nya
    I've got a great idea.
[14:45] Both
    Die!
[14:51] Kara
    Great job, Totoko-chan! Nyaa-chan!
[14:55] Oso
    This rocks.
[15:02] Nyaa
    Come at me!
[15:03] Toto
    I'll murder you!
SIGN    To Be Continued
[15:05] Choro
    Wh-Why?
[15:11] Mom
    There we go.
[15:17] Mom
    What? They're all gone.
[15:20] Mom
    Hey, NEETs!
[15:22] Mom
    Stop eating up our stock
     of instant noodles!
[15:25] Mom
    There's no end to this.
[15:27] Oso
    Well, we get hungry.
[15:28] Mom
    Then eat the food I make for you.
[15:31] Oso
    We do, and we're still hungry.
[15:33] Mom
    I guess that's normal for your age,
     but you've been eating too much lately.
[15:38] Mom
    Some of you are sneaking one or
    two in the middle of the night, too.
[15:41] Mom
    Don't think I don't know.
[15:42] Mom
    No instant noodles for you boys for a while.
[15:44] All
    What?!
[15:45] Mom
    Break that rule, and I'm not buying any more.
[15:47] All
    What?!
[15:48] Mom
    Our budget is on the rocks already
    since we have to feed all six of you.
[15:52] Mom
    Is that clear?
[15:54] Oso
    What an awful mother.
[15:56] Choro
    That miser.
[16:09] Oso
    It's no use. I'm so hungry, I can't sleep.
[16:12] Jyushi
    Likewise.
[16:13] Kara
    Likewise.
[16:17] Choro
    Hey, where are you going?
[16:19] Oso
    I'm gonna have some instant noodles.
[16:20] Choro
    You can't. We promised Mom, remember?
[16:23] Oso
    Don't worry. She won't find
    out if I eat it super fast.
[16:27] Oso
    Wanna come with, Ichimatsu-chan?
[16:29] Ichi
    I already brushed my teeth.
[16:30] Oso
    You, Karamatsu?
[16:31] Kara
    Here we go!
[16:32] Oso
    Totty?
[16:33] Todo
    Meh, my laziness is winning right now.
[16:36] Oso
    What about you?
[16:37] Choro
    I'm coming.
[16:38] Oso
    Are you now?
[16:40] Oso
    All right, let's go.
[16:41] Both
    Yeah.
[16:44] Jyushi
    Hey, I wanna go, too.
[16:45] Choro
    No, you can't come with us.
[16:47] Jyushi
    What?! Why not?!
[16:48] All
    Shh!
[16:49] Choro
    Don't yell, you moron!
[16:50] Jyushi
    But why not? I'm going, too.
[16:53] Choro
    If you come, we'll get caught.
    You'll do something to blow our cover.
[16:56] Jyushi
    I won't! I promise!
[16:58] Choro
    No!
[16:59] Jyushi
    Karamatsu-niisan...
[17:01] Kara
    Brother...
[17:03] Kara
    Get your ass back in bed!
[17:05] Jyushi
    What?! You're not the real Karamatsu-niisan!
[17:07] Choro
    Well, grub is involved.
[17:10] Kara
    Yeah, grub is involved.
[17:12] Oso
    Hey, let's go. I'm starving here.
[17:15] Oso
    Jyushimatsu, don't do
    anything to blow our cover.
[17:17] Jyushi
    Okay!
[17:19] Oso
    Shh!
[17:19] All
    Shh!
[17:28] Oso
    Hey! Quit making so much noise!
[17:30] Choro
    That was you, jackass.
[17:31] Oso
    Oh, right.
[17:32] Oso
    Shh!
[17:33] All
    Shh!
[17:36] Oso
    I said stop making so much noise!
[17:38] Choro
    And again, that was you, jackass.
[17:41] Oso
    Hey!
[17:41] Choro
    It's you, jackass! Get going already!
[17:44] Jyushi
    Osomatsu-niisan...
[17:46] Oso
    Huh?
[17:47] Jyushi
    Don't blow our cover. I'll kill you.
[17:50] Oso
    Wow, looks like he put me in my place.
[17:52] Kara
    Osomatsu, I'll lead the way.
[17:55] Oso
    Oh, really?
[17:57] Kara
    Shh!
[17:58] All
    Shh!
[18:05] Choro
    Hey, what are you doing,
    Karamatsu? Keep moving!
[18:08] Kara
    Wh-What is this? My foot...
[18:11] Kara
    It's birdlime!
[18:13] Choro
    Huh?
[18:18] Choro
    Karamatsu!
[18:19] Jyushi
    Karamatsu-niisan!
[18:20] Choro
    You okay? Wake up!
[18:22] Oso
    The hell is this? Who would do such a thing?
[18:30] choro
    It was Mom.
[18:33] Choro
    This is a trap Mom set for us.
SIGN    Matsuyo's Trap
[18:43] All
    Damn it. Curse you, Matsuyo!
[18:46] Choro
    Rest in peace, Karamatsu-niisan.
[18:51] Choro
    Let's go.
[18:52] All
    Yeah!
[18:56] Sign
    Stop
SIGN    Don't 
    do it
SIGN    Turn 
    back
SIGN    Treasure 
    your lives
[19:07] Choro
    What's that?
[19:09] Choro
    Whoa! Kuri manju!
[19:11] Choro
    Hey, look! Look! Kuri manju!
[19:13] Choro
    They look so good!
[19:14] Jyushi
    Huh?
[19:15] Oso
    Wait! You aren't...
[19:16] Choro
    Yay!
[19:17] Both
    You fool!
[19:18] Jyushi
    That's just a drawing!
[19:18] Choro
    Yay! Kuri manju! Kuri—
[19:26] Mom
    Kuri manju hits the spot when
    you're just a little hungry.
[19:31] Jyushi
    Choromatsu-niisan...
[19:33] Jyushi
    Osomatsu-niisan, we can't do this!
[19:35] Jyushi
    Let's turn back!
[19:36] Oso
    Huh? Turn back?
[19:38] Jyushi
    We're no match for Mom!
[19:40] Oso
    You fool!
[19:43] Oso
    Who cares if two of our brothers just died?
[19:47] Oso
    Is that enough for you to give up
[19:48] Oso
    on the OP deliciousness known
    as late-night instant noodles?
[19:52] Oso
    And you call yourself a NEET?
[19:56] jyushi
    I'm... I'm a NEET!
[19:59] Oso
    Well said.
[20:01] Jyushi
    I won't waver anymore.
[20:03] Jyushi
    Thanks, King of NEETs-niisan.
[20:06] Oso
    You're welcome.
[20:08] Oso
    All right, let's go.
[20:09] Jyushi
    Okay.
[20:11] Oso
    But be careful. I'm sure
    Mom has other traps set.
[20:15] Oso
    Of course, as the eldest,
    I'm gonna find all of them.
[20:18] Jyushi
    Huh?!
[20:20] Jyushi
    Nii-san!
[20:23] Mom
    And the brains of the operation is gone.
    It's only a matter of time now.
[20:35] Mom
    Wh-What?
[20:44] Mom
    Tch. You just don't give up.
[21:11] Both
    Hey!
[21:36] Mom
    It looks like I underestimated you boys.
SIGN    Porky
    Udon
SIGN    Chicky
    Ramen
[21:41] Mom
    To think you actually made it...
    You've grown so much,
[21:44] Mom
    my NEETs.
SIGN    Porky Udon
SIGN    Iyami Ramen
[21:47] All
    Heck yeah! We did it!
[21:50] All
    We won!
[21:51] Todo
    Hurry up! I'm starving!
[21:53] Ichi
    Let's eat.
[21:56] Jyushi
    Yay!
[22:13] Matsu
    I'm taking you down with me.
SIGN    End
SIGN    "The Way Home"  etc.
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu

E5 - The Way Home
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "Well, Yeah..."
[02:24] Jyu
    Hey...
[02:26] Jyu
    Don't you think Totty's
    been acting weird lately?
[02:29] Ichi
    Huh? Oh, yeah... I wonder
    if something happened.
[02:33] Jyu
    Let's ask him.
[02:34] Ichi
    Yeah.
[02:36] Jyu
    Go ahead.
[02:36] Ichi
    Huh? Me?!
[02:38] Jyu
    Go ahead.
[02:39] Ichi
    You cheater...
[02:43] Ichi
    Todomatsu.
[02:45] Ichi
    What's up? Did something happen?
[02:52] Ichi
    Huh?
[02:56] Ichi
    Todomatsu, your voice.
[03:00] Ichi
    No, really, it's not coming out.
[03:05] Ichi
    There's no sound coming out.
    Why? Is everything okay?
[03:15] Ichi
    What?!
[03:16] Jyu
    There's someone you like?!
[03:18] Todo
    Shh!
[03:19] Jyu
    Seriously?
[03:21] ---
    Yeah.
SIGN    Akatsuka Drugs
SIGN    Matsumi
[03:30] Ichi
    Wh-Which one?
[03:34] Ichi
    Nothing's coming out.
[03:37] Todo
    Sorry. It's her.
[03:38] Todo
    See? Right over there.
SIGN    Satozaki
[03:44] Ichi
    She's pretty.
[03:45] Jyu
    She's pretty.
[03:47] Ichi
    Why did you end up liking her?
    How'd it happen?
SIGN    5x the Points
SIGN    Tea
[03:50] Todo
    Well, she rang me up recently.
[03:57] Todo
    Usually, when they give you change,
[03:58] Todo
    they just randomly toss it
    into your hand with one hand.
[04:02] Both
    Yeah.
[04:04] Todo
    And yet, that lovely lady gently
    cupped my hand with hers
[04:08] Todo
    and then used both hands to squeeze mine.
[04:10] Ichi
    Huh? Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh...
[04:13] Ichi
    Sh-She used both hands... and squeezed?
[04:15] Todo
    Yup. She used both hands... and squeezed.
[04:20] Ichi
    She used both hands... and squeezed.
[04:22] Todo
    She used both hands...
[04:24] Ichi
    ...and squeezed.
[04:27] Todo
    And that was the moment I realized...
[04:29] Todo
    Oh, my God! I love her!
[04:32] Ichi
    I see! I see, I see, I see!
[04:36] Jyu
    And there it is.
[04:37] Jyu
    Falling in love with a person just from
    hearing someone else's experience...
[04:41] Jyu
    I call it the "Virgins Tend to Fall in Love
    With People Just Because They Were
[04:45] Jyu
    Nice to Them Once" phenomenon.
[04:46] Todo
    And, and, get this!
    I think she likes me, too!
[04:52] Ichi
    Huh? What makes you think that?
[04:54] Todo
    That day, I was hung over,
    and I just felt like shit at the store.
[04:58] Todo
    Then the nice lady came over, asked if
    I was okay, and gently rubbed my back.
[05:03] Ichi
    Wow, she touched you.
[05:05] Todo
    And then she asked me what I usually ate,
[05:08] Todo
    what my daily rhythm was like, and just
    kept asking stuff about my private life!
[05:12] Ichi
    Your private life?!
[05:14] Todo
    That totally proves she's
    interested in me too, right?
[05:16] Ichi
    Yeah.
[05:17] Jyu
    No, that's just customer service...
[05:19] Todo
    And every time we meet, she greets me!
[05:22] Ichi
    What?!
[05:22] Jyushi
    Customer service.
[05:23] Todo
    She even gave me a present!
[05:25] Ichi
    A present?!
[05:26] Jyushi
    Samples, my guy.
[05:27] Todo
    She even gave me a card with
    a message on it as I was leaving!
[05:29] Ichi
    A card?!
[05:31] Jyushi
    It's called a point card.
[05:32] Todo
    Isn't that amazing?!
    I totally have a chance, don't I?
[05:35] Ichi
    Yeah, you totally do.
[05:37] Todo
    So I've just been trying
    to figure out what to do.
[05:39] Todo
    Should I just ask her out on a date already?
[05:43] Ichi
    Well...
[05:44] Ichi
    Ask her out?
[05:45] Todo
    This is so hard...
SIGN    Akatsuka Bath
[05:49] Choro
    What?! There's someone you like?!
[05:52] Kara
    Seriously? Who is it?
[05:54] Todo
    Jeez, you have a big mouth.
    No teasing me, okay?
[05:58] Todo
    I'm serious about this.
[05:59] Choro
    So who is it? Who? Who?
[06:03] Todo
    A lady who works at the drug
    store in the shopping district.
[06:06] Choro
    Drug store?
[06:08] Todo
    You know, Akatsuka Drugs. She works there.
[06:13] Oso
    Huh... Is she sexy?
[06:15] Todo
    Stop.
[06:16] Oso
    Did she say anything about me?
[06:18] Todo
    Why would she? She doesn't know you.
[06:21] Choro
    Introduce your big brother next time.
[06:23] Todo
    That's definitely not happening!
[06:25] Todo
    Why do you guys keep saying stuff like that?!
[06:30] Choro
    What?! You like her too, Karamatsu?!
[06:34] Kara
    Shh!
[06:39] Choro
    You mean the one Todomatsu
    was talking about, right?
[06:41] Choro
    The one who works at the drug store?
[06:47] Kara
    I never thought we'd fall
    for the same person.
[06:50] Choro
    Why'd you fall in love with her?
[06:53] Kara
    Well, she rang me up the other day.
[06:58] Choro
    Yeah?
SIGN    You know  the rest
[07:01] Choro
    I see... I see.
[07:04] Choro
    I see, I see.
[07:06] Choro
    Of course you would fall for her.
    She used both hands and squeezed.
[07:10] Kara
    Yes. She used both hands and squeezed.
[07:13] Choro
    She used both hands and...
[07:14] Both
    ...squeezed.
[07:17] Kara
    And, and... I think she
    has feelings for me, too!
[07:22] Choro
    Really? Why's that?
[07:24] Kara
    When I was feeling really
    shitty from a hangover...
SIGN    You know  the rest
[07:29] Kara
    Isn't that insane?
    I totally have a chance, don't I?!
[07:32] Choro
    Yeah, totally!
[07:35] Kara
    But when I think about Todomatsu...
[07:40] Choro
    That's hard.
[07:42] Kara
    Yeah.
[07:43] Kara
    I never imagined this would happen.
SIGN    Akatsuka Drugs
SIGN    Matsumi
SIGN    5x the Points
[08:51] Kara
    H-Hey, Totty. What's up?
[08:57] Kara
    How are things going with her?
[08:59] Kara
    Don't mess this up. I've got your back.
[09:05] Todo
    You like her too, don't you,
    Karamatsu-niisan?
[09:08] Kara
    Huh?! N-No! Wh-What the
    heck are you talking about?
[09:11] Kara
    Of course I don't...
[09:12] Todo
    How much do you suck at acting?
[09:14] Todo
    Of course I can tell.
     Why did you hide it from me?
[09:19] Todo
    Do you feel bad that we
    fell for the same person?
[09:23] Todo
    Did you hold back?
[09:24] Todo
    Did you really think that'd make me happy?
[09:28] Kara
    No...
[09:33] Todo
    Listen, Karamatsu-niisan.
    Let me just say one thing.
[09:38] Todo
    Thanks. You're a lifesaver.
[09:40] Todo
    Totty's super happy right now.
[09:43] Kara
    Huh?
[09:43] Todo
    Seriously, sacrificing your own happiness
    for the sake of your cute littlest brother's?
[09:47] Todo
    That's great, man. Huge props.
[09:49] Todo
    Keep up the good work.
[09:51] Kara
    Huh?
[09:51] Todo
    Make sure you totally forget
    about her. It's a promise, yeah?
[09:56] Todo
    Thanks, dude. See ya.
[09:57] Kara
    Wha?! T-T-Totty, wait!
[10:03] Todo
    What's up?
[10:04] Kara
    No! That's not how I pictured this at all!
[10:07] Todo
    Huh?
[10:07] Kara
    I mean, the way this
    conversation usually goes...
[10:11] Kara
    I mean, usually...
[10:12] Kara
    "I see... You like the same person
    I do, but you just couldn't tell me
[10:17] Kara
    because you wanted to spare my feelings.
[10:20] Kara
    Sorry about that. But from now on,
    don't worry. Just be true to yourself."
[10:25] Kara
    That's how it usually goes!
[10:26] Kara
    I was expecting that kindness from you!
[10:29] Todo
    Yeah, I couldn't understand any of that.
[10:32] Todo
    I mean, the fewer nuisances
    to worry about, the better.
[10:35] Kara
    Wha... That's really how you're doing this?
[10:39] Kara
    All right, fine.
[10:40] Kara
    I really like her, too!
[10:44] Kara
    So I'm not gonna give her up.
[10:46] Todo
    Huh?! But you just said...
[10:48] Kara
    That doesn't count anymore!
[10:49] Todo
    You can't fall in love with her!
[10:51] Kara
    Like I care!
[10:53] Todo
    Nah, nah, nah, nah.
[10:54] Kara
    Nah, nah, nah, nah.
[10:55] Todo
    Nope, nope, nope.
[10:56] Kara
    Like I friggin' care!
[11:00] Ichi
    Where are those two?
[11:10] Todo
    She was nice to me even
    though I'm a piece of shit.
[11:15] Todo
    It made me really happy.
[11:17] Kara
    You're not the only one.
[11:19] Todo
    She'd look me in the eyes
    and smile and touch me...
[11:23] Todo
    It made me really happy!
[11:24] Kara
    You're not the only one.
[11:26] Todo
    I can't let you have her.
    I'm head over heels for her!
[11:30] Kara
    You're not the only one.
[11:33] Todo
    Since it's come to this, we're gonna have
    to fight fair and square, Karamatsu.
[11:37] Kara
    That's right, Todomatsu.
SIGN    Akatsuka Drugs
SIGN    Matsumi
[12:23] Kara
    Well, yeah...
[12:25] Todo
    Well, yeah...
[12:28] Kara
    Well, yeah...
[12:30] Todo
    Well, yeah...
SIGN    Adult
[12:32] Kara
    Well, yeah...
SIGN    Adult
[12:34] Todo
    Well, yeah...
[12:36] Kara
    Well, yeah.
[12:37] Todo
    Well, yeah...
[12:40] Kara
    Well... yeah...
[12:42] Todo
    Well, yeah...
[12:44] Kara
    Well, yeah...
[12:45] Todo
    Well, yeah.
[12:47] Kara
    Well, yeah?!
[12:49] Todo
    Well, yeah!
[12:50] Kara
    Well, yeah!
[12:51] Todo
    Well, yeah!
SIGN    End
[13:08] All
    Well, yeah...
[13:17] Choro
    Hey, so... is this the right way?
[13:20] Choro
    Where exactly are we headed right now?
SIGN    "The Way Home"
[13:22] Oso
    The station, right?
[13:23] Choro
    Yeah, but... is the station this way?
[13:25] Oso
    I dunno.
[13:26] Choro
    Huh?
[13:27] Kara
    Me, neither.
[13:28] All
    Yeah, no idea.
[13:30] Choro
    What? No one checked which way
    to go, and we're just walking?
[13:35] Oso
    We're fine. The station is this way.
    We'll get there if we keep walking.
[13:39] Choro
    Are you sure?
[13:41] Oso
    Call it your oldest brother's intuition.
[13:42] Kara
    That's the last thing we should believe.
[13:45] Choro
    I'm even more worried now.
[13:51] Ichi
    That food was really good.
[13:53] Todo
    It sure was.
[13:55] Todo
    Foie gras, was it? What exactly is that?
[13:57] Kara
    It was pork, right?
[13:59] Ichi
    What? Pork?
[14:01] Kara
    Wait, am I wrong?
[14:03] Ichi
    Wrong.
[14:04] Jyushi
    Karamatsu-niisan, that was beef.
[14:06] All
    What?
[14:08] Jyushi
    Huh? Am I wrong?
[14:09] Oso
    You are. You two have such
    unsophisticated palates.
[14:14] Oso
    That's poultry, isn't it, Ichimatsu?
[14:16] Ichi
    Yup, sure is. But I can't
    remember what kind of bird.
[14:20] Oso
    Yeah... I can't remember, either.
[14:22] Ichi
    Just start naming off some birds.
[14:26] Todo
    Parrot.
[14:27] Kara
    Eagle.
[14:28] Oso
    Hawk.
[14:29] Choro
    Owl.
[14:29] Jyushi
    The Blue Jays!
[14:32] Todo
    Woodpecker.
[14:34] Kara
    Swallow.
[14:35] Oso
    Crested ibis.
[14:35] Choro
    Flamingo.
[14:36] Jyushi
    Cardinals!
[14:39] Todo
    Crane.
[14:40] Kara
    Seagull.
[14:41] Oso
    Swan.
[14:41] Jyushi
    Jyushimatsu!
[14:46] Ichi
    Now I remember.
[14:47] Jyushi
    Jyushimatsu?
[14:48] Ichi
    It's ostrich.
[14:49] All
    Ostrich?
[14:50] Kara
    What? But it's pork, isn't it?
[14:52] Oso
    It's not pork. Why don't
    you run on ahead already?
[14:56] Todo
    Can I look it up?
[14:57] Choro
    Go for it.
[14:59] Todo
    Let's see...
[15:02] Todo
    Oh, here we go. It's goose.
[15:04] Oso
    It's goose?
[15:05] All
    Huh...
[15:06] Todo
    It's the goose's liver. They feed
    it lots to make it nice and fat.
[15:11] Choro
    And that's what foie gras is?
[15:12] Todo
    Yup, foie gras.
[15:13] Oso
    I've never had anything like that before.
[15:15] Jyushi
    Me, too. Everything looked super expensive.
[15:19] Kara
    But the portions sucked.
[15:21] Choro
    Yeah... I ended up eating so much bread.
[15:24] Oso
    We should've gotten yakiniku.
[15:26] Ichi
    Ah, so it was goose.
    I always get those two mixed up.
[15:38] Jyushi
    So they're married. Isn't that amazing?
[15:47] Jyushi
    Hey, guys...
[15:48] Oso
    It sure was something when they walked in.
[15:51] Oso
    The bride and groom's entry, I mean.
[15:53] Oso
    He was so damn nervous.
[15:56] Kara
    His eyes were darting around everywhere.
[15:58] Todo
    And he was frozen from nerves.
[16:00] Choro
    Yeah. He was moving like I used to.
[16:05] Oso
    And now you've made that your shtick.
[16:07] Choro
    Yes.
[16:08] Todo
    How can they even do that?
[16:11] Ichi
    It's so embarrassing, I'd die.
[16:12] Todo
    Right?
[16:20] Jyushi
    That's the first time we were
    all invited to one, right?
[16:23] Choro
    Yeah, it was.
[16:25] Jyushi
    I thought this kind of stuff
    wouldn't happen until later on,
[16:29] Jyushi
    but one of our classmates finally did it.
[16:32] Jyushi
    But I guess we're...
[16:33] Oso
    Wasn't his wife sexy?
[16:36] Oso
    You know. Her shoulders were
    completely exposed. Did you see?
[16:39] Todo
    I couldn't stop looking. She was super sexy.
[16:42] Ichi
    Her clavicle?
[16:43] Oso
    Her clavicle.
[16:44] Jyushi
    Her nape?
[16:44] Kara
    Her nape!
[16:45] Todo
    Her cleavage?
[16:46] All
    Yeh.
[16:48] Choro
    Where the hell were you guys
    looking during the wedding?
[16:51] Kara
    Man, those two are banging every night.
[16:53] Choro
    Hey!
[16:54] Ichi
    Of course they are. I mean,
    they probably already were.
[16:56] Oso
    I know, right?
[16:58] Oso
    The thing I always think
    about at weddings is like,
[17:00] Oso
    "Oh, yeah. They're totally banging. Wow."
[17:04] Oso
    And for that feat, they deserve a...
[17:05] All
    ...congratulations!
[17:07] Choro
    What the hell are you guys celebrating?
[17:10] Choro
    For crying out loud...
[17:49] Jyushi
    Hey, how was it for you guys?
[17:52] Ichi
    How was what?
[17:53] Jyushi
    The wedding.
[17:55] Ichi
    Huh?
[17:57] Jyushi
    I was just wondering if
    you guys felt anything.
[18:00] Jyushi
    You know. Any thoughts?
[18:03] Kara
    I just thought it was amazing.
[18:06] Kara
    I mean, marriage? I can't even imagine it.
[18:10] Todo
    Yeah...
[18:12] Jyushi
    I wonder if we're gonna
    get married someday, too.
[18:15] All
    Huh?
[18:18] Choro
    Well, I mean... probably?
[18:20] Choro
    I'm not exactly sure, but...
[18:21] Jyushi
    What? You're gonna get married,
    Choromatsu-niisan?
[18:24] Choro
    Huh? Well, yeah... someday.
[18:28] Jyushi
    Huh...
[18:30] Choro
    Wait, aren't you guys?
[18:35] Jyushi
    I dunno.
[18:37] Todo
    But it feels pretty lonely if we don't, yeah?
[18:40] Todo
    Living your whole life alone.
[18:42] Ichi
    Huh... I guess even you
    think about that stuff.
[18:45] Todo
    Well, yeah. I am human, after all.
[18:48] Jyu
    I want a kid.
[18:50] Choro
    Seriously?
[18:51] Jyu
    Yeah.
[18:52] Ichi
    Even though you're a kid yourself?
[18:54] Jyu
    You're the last person I want to
    hear that from, Ichimatsu-kun.
[18:57] Kara
    Well, I mean... I'd want a Junior, myself.
[19:00] Oso
    Me, too. Kids are great.
[19:03] Choro
    Yeah.
[19:05] Todo
    They sure are.
[19:06] Ichi
    Yeah.
[19:09] Ichi
    Marriage, huh?
[19:12] Ichi
    I wonder why people do it.
[19:14] Ichi
    Does something good happen when you do?
[19:22] Oso
    Before we even consider marriage,
    I don't think I could live with someone.
[19:27] Oso
    I mean, even if I like them... living with them?
[19:30] Ichi
    And that goes on forever.
[19:33] Oso
    That's just it. It's forever.
[19:36] Oso
    Like, for real?
[19:37] Kara
    And he actually decided to do that.
[19:41] Kara
    Man, that is amazing.
[19:42] Oso
    Yeah... It's unbelievable.
[19:44] Choro
    Something must've made him go for it.
[19:47] Choro
    To spend the rest of his life with her.
    To start a family with her.
[19:51] Oso
    When do you make that decision?
[19:53] Oso
    And why?
[19:54] Choro
    It just means they both
    love each other that much.
[19:58] Oso
    That much?
[19:59] Choro
    Well, yeah. They got married.
[20:02] Oso
    Huh...
[20:03] Jyushi
    Didn't they want to wait a little longer?
[20:06] Todo
    Huh?
[20:07] Jyushi
    Well, I mean... there are so
    many women in the world.
[20:11] Jyushi
    Wouldn't you want to meet as many
    as possible and find the best one?
[20:15] Kara
    I hear you.
[20:16] Kara
    You wanna go for the best one after
    going through all the possibilities.
[20:22] Todo
    Well, they got married because
    she was the best one for him.
[20:25] Jyushi
    I guess he likes her that much.
[20:27] Todo
    Yeah, they got married.
[20:30] Jyushi
    I see.
[20:32] Oso
    That's pretty amazing.
[20:33] Kara
    Yeah.
[20:37] Choro
    I wonder how it was for Mom and Dad.
[20:40] Choro
    They never really talk
    about stuff like that.
[20:43] Choro
    They got married, she got pregnant,
[20:46] Choro
    and when she finally gave birth,
    she ended up with six of us.
[20:48] Choro
    That's six at once.
[20:50] Choro
    Isn't that the worst?
[20:51] Ichi
    It sure is.
[20:53] Todo
    Inconceivable.
[20:54] Jyushi
    That's way too many at once.
[20:55] Kara
    Talk about an impossibly hard game.
[20:56] Oso
    Six? Gag me.
[20:59] Jyushi
    I wonder if it was rough.
[21:01] Ichi
    Well, it had to be.
[21:02] Ichi
    Not that I'd have any idea.
[21:04] Todo
    I wonder if they struggled with money, too.
[21:06] Kara
    Probably. Not that I'd know.
[21:09] Oso
    Well, that hasn't changed.
[21:11] Choro
    Yeah. That's still going on.
[21:14] Choro
    Wait, even now?!
[21:16] Choro
    This shouldn't be going
    on anymore, gentlemen.
[21:19] Choro
    How much more trouble are we
    going to cause our parents?
[21:21] Choro
    Get a grip, will ya?
[21:23] Oso
    That goes for you, too.
[21:25] Choro
    Yes!
[21:30] Sign
    Stop
[21:36] Choro
    Man, I'm beat.
[21:40] Ichi
    Same...
[21:43] Jyushi
    I am, too.
[21:46] Todo
    What's going to happen to us?
[21:50] Kara
    Dunno.
[21:51] Oso
    No idea at all.
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:29] Kara
    It's me, Karamatsu.
[23:30] Kara
    The next Mr. Osomatsu is a 3-parter.
[23:33] Kara
    "Touter," "Optimization," and "Massage."
[23:36] Kara
    Did you see the common theme?
[23:39] Kara
    One more time...
[23:40] Kara
    "Touter"... "Optimization"...
[23:43] Kara
    and "Massage."
[23:45] Kara
    To everyone who just imagined
    something pervy...
SIGN    "Touter"  "Optimization"  "Massage"
[23:48] Kara
    The hell's wrong with you, man?
[23:51] Kara
    There is no theme! Not at all!

E6 - Touter / Optimization / Massage
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Gonpachi
[00:07] Oso
    Thanks for the grub.
SIGN    "Touter"
[00:12] Kara
    Should we just head back
    to the hotel tonight?
[00:15] Oso
    Yeah... We've got a meeting tomorrow.
SIGN    Free Guide
SIGN    Trustworthy  and Safe
[00:20] Iyami
    Ah, there you are, Mr. President.
[00:23] Iyami
    Me was born into this world to serve you!
[00:27] Iyami
    Me has been waiting for you
    in this cold for so long!
[00:30] Iyami
    Me is so happy to have finally found you!
[00:34] Iyami
    Are you gentlemen from Tokyo?
[00:36] Iyami
    You're not, are ya?
[00:38] Iyami
    You must be on a business trip!
[00:40] Iyami
    You need to have a night on
    the town in the big city, then!
[00:45] Iyami
    Our place is super cheap!
[00:48] Iyami
    It's just a whopping 3,000 yen! Sheeeh!
[00:53] Iyami
    It's just a whopping 2,000 yen! Sheeeh!
[00:57] Iyami
    A whopping 1,000 yen! Sheeeh!
[01:03] Iyami
    Everyone at our place is super cute!
    And they're not wearing any clothes!
[01:08] Iyami
    Sh-Sh... Sheeeh!
[01:12] Oso
    Huh? They're not wearing clothes?
[01:15] Both
    For real?!
[01:16] Kara
    Is that even allowed?
[01:19] Iyami
    Me can't say this very loudly...
[01:23] Iyami
    but they're only wearing underpants.
[01:24] Both
    What?!
[01:25] Oso
    Just underpants?!
[01:26] Iyami
    Shh!
[01:26] Kara
    Oh, man...
[01:28] Iyami
    Their boobies are completely exposed.
[01:29] Oso
    Completely exposed?!
    So we can get an eyeful?
[01:31] Oso
    So... what kind of underpants
    are they wearing?
[01:33] Iyami
    They have light blue and green stripes.
[01:35] Kara
    That's super cute! What do they look like?
[01:38] Iyami
    Plump and juicy.
[01:39] Kara
    Nice!
[01:40] Iyami
    They're charming and have soft, fair skin.
[01:43] Kara
    Nice!
[01:44] Iyami
    They also speak this cutesy dialect.
[01:47] Oso
    Ooh, I love when they speak in dialects!
[01:49] Kara
    Me, too!
[01:52] Oso
    You're not lying about any of this, are you?
[01:55] Iyami
    Me would never lie!
[01:57] Kara
    Are you sure?
[01:58] Iyami
    Me has said nothing but the truth.
[02:01] Kara
    What are the other ones like?
[02:03] Iyami
    We actually have a master
    technician in today.
[02:07] Both
    Technician?
[02:08] Kara
    What do you mean?
[02:09] Iyami
    They are known as... the Vacuum Demon!
[02:12] Both
    Vacuum?!
[02:13] Oso
    Uh, is that okay?!
    What kind of place is this?!
[02:15] Iyami
    They suck so hard,
    they can suck anything down.
[02:17] Both
    Oh, shit!
[02:18] Iyami
    Their ability to suck is otherworldly.
[02:21] Kara
    That's a bit scary.
[02:23] Iyami
    You could say their mouth was made for that.
[02:25] Oso
    Their mouth was made for that?
    Wait, what are you saying?
[02:27] Iyami
    You're curious, aren't you?
    You should experience it at least once.
[02:32] Iyami
    Two other treasures we have today...
[02:34] Oso
    There's more?!
[02:38] Iyami
    Legal lolis.
[02:39] Both
    Say what?!
[02:40] Iyami
    They look like children, but they're
    definitely over twenty, so no worries.
[02:45] Iyami
    One of them doesn't have any hair at all!
[02:48] Kara
    No hair?!
[02:49] Iyami
    Silky smooth.
[02:50] Kara
    Silky smooth?!
[02:51] Iyami
    You wanna see, don't you?
[02:52] Kara
    You bet I do!
[02:53] Iyami
    The other one's got a flag rammed in.
[02:56] Both
    A flag?!
[02:57] Oso
    Why a flag?! What's it even for?!
[02:59] Kara
    Is it a fashion statement,
    or does it just feel good?
[03:01] Iyami
    That flag's basically rammed in 24/7.
[03:05] Oso
    It's rammed in 24/7?!
[03:07] Oso
    Doesn't it get in the way?
    Doesn't it hit anything?
[03:09] Kara
    No idea, but I sure wanna see!
[03:11] Iyami
    Well, wanna have a go at our place?
[03:15] Both
    Yeah!
[03:16] Iyami
    Then that'll be...
[03:18] Iyami
    20,000 yen apiece.
[03:19] Both
    Huh?
[03:20] Iyami
    There are two of you,
    so that'll be 40,000 yen.
[03:26] Oso
    Hey, wait!
[03:27] Kara
    We'll pay! Please!
[03:29] Iyami
    Thanks for your payment!
[03:32] Iyami
    We've got two coming in!
[03:34] Both
    Yay!
[03:36] Dekapan
    Hoeh, I'll show you a good time.
[03:39] Dayon
    I'll suck you dry!
[03:41] Chibi
    Silky smooth, buddy!
[03:42] Hata
    I've got a flag, jo.
[03:47] Iyami
    You folks should also be careful
    at night in the big city! Sheeeh!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Optimization"
[05:40] Both
    Choromatsu-san.
[05:43] Choro
    Hey, thanks!
[05:45] Salmon
    Are you happy?
[05:47] Choro
    Huh?
[05:48] Ume
    Are you satisfied?
[05:51] Choro
    Yeah, you're a big help.
[05:56] Choro
    Wow! You're going all-out!
[06:08] Todo
    Man, this is rough. And a bit embarrassing.
[06:13] Plum
    Here you go.
[06:15] Todo
    Thanks.
[06:17] Kara
    Ah, Brothers, you're here.
[06:20] Kara
    I love you, as always.
[06:25] Kara
    Ah!
[06:32] Kara
    No need to get too exci—
[06:55] Kara
    These adorable jerks.
[06:56] Choro
    Yeah, they're so brilliant.
[06:58] Jyushi
    So much fun!
[06:59] Choro
    They're so efficient.
    They're not wasteful at all.
[07:01] Todo
    They sure are convenient machines.
[07:03] Jyushi
    He said it again!
[07:05] Jyushi
    Totty, you probably
    shouldn't call them that.
[07:08] Todo
    What do you mean? Oh, I know.
    How about convenient tools?
[07:11] Todo
    Or possibly hunks of junk that
    think and move around a lot?
[07:13] Jyushi
    Okay, never mind.
[07:16] Both
    All done!
[07:20] Kara
    This is great!
[07:21] Jyushi
    Yum!
[07:22] Choro
    It's so good!
[07:23] Todo
    No complaints here!
SIGN    How to Make Delicious Yakisoba
SIGN    Ingredients
    
    120g thin-sliced bacon     2 packs yakisoba noodles 
    1/4 onion                         Yakisoba sauce to taste 
    2-3 cabbage leaves          Aonori and pickled ginger to taste
    1/2 bag bean sprouts
SIGN    Cut the onion, cabbage, and bacon into bite-size pieces.
SIGN    Rinse the noodles and pat 
    them dry with a paper towel.
[07:25] Salmon
    We've optimized the balance of
    nutrition, seasoning, and appearance
SIGN    Heat 1 tbsp. oil in a frying pan 
    and fry the noodles until golden.
SIGN    Clean the frying pan, then add
    the bacon and stir-fry.
SIGN    Move the meat and veggies to
    one side and add the noodles
    back into the frying pan.
SIGN    Mix sauce in with the meat 
    and veggies while separating
    and cutting up the noodles.
SIGN    Transfer to a plate, add aonori 
    and pickled ginger, and enjoy!
SIGN    Breakdown of Balanced Nutrition Data  (According to Riceball Research)
[07:29] Salmon
    using the available ingredients.
[07:32] Plum
    This is the yakisoba that
    most people currently crave.
[07:35] Four
    Huh...
[07:37] Salmon
    Are you happy?
[07:38] Four
    Yup.
[07:39] Choro
    It's perfect! It's delicious. Thanks.
[07:50] Oso
    Huh?! You're eating yakisoba? Why?!
[07:52] Oso
    Hey, you two! Where's mine?
[07:55] Oso
    Why are you ignoring me?!
[07:58] Jyushi
    Guess you're just not into the
    Riceballs yet, Osomatsu-niisan.
[08:01] Choro
    Get with the program, dude.
[08:03] Oso
    Why do I have to be into them?
[08:06] Oso
    I'm the eldest brother here.
    Y'all need to worship me.
[08:09] Oso
    So, where's my yakisoba?
[08:12] Salmon
    We've used up all of the ingredients,
    so we can't make any more.
[08:15] Plum
    No more.
[08:16] Oso
    Show me some VR porn, then.
[08:19] Oso
    Come on! VR porn! VR porn!
[08:21] Kara
    Hey, come on.
[08:21] Oso
    VR porn! VR porn! VR porn!
[08:23] Todo
    They're gonna break.
[08:24] Salmon
    Osomatsu is the shittiest brother.
[08:25] Plum
    Osomatsu is the shittiest brother.
[08:27] Both
    Shittiest brother, shittiest brother,
    shittiest brother, shit.
[08:30] Oso
    Hey, who taught them that?
[08:32] Oso
    Wow, all of you? Really?
[09:15] Toto
    Gah!
[09:38] Ichi
    Mrow, mrow.
[09:41] Ichi
    Mrow.
[10:19] Salmon
    We need him to be happy.
[10:21] Plum
    We need him to be satisfied.
[10:28] Todo
    Huh? Those machines aren't here yet?
[10:31] Choro
    No, they aren't here yet.
[10:33] Todo
    Man, I was going to have
    them brush my teeth for me.
[10:36] Choro
    You're making them do that, too?!
[10:38] Choro
    Who died and made you king?
[10:40] Todo
    Aw, I prefer to be called a prince, personally.
[10:43] Choro
    Shut up.
[10:44] Jyushi
    I think the Riceballs will be here soon.
[10:46] Todo
    Yeah.
[10:55] Mom
    So I was wondering, where do
    those two even come from?
[11:00] Both
    Dunno.
[11:17] Both
    Hello!
[11:20] Ichi
    Wh-What?
[11:23] Ichi
    Cat expectation values?
[11:25] Both
    Yes.
SIGN    Cat Expectation Values
[11:26] Both
    Cat expectation values.
[11:29] Salmon
    We AIs are filled with endless data.
SIGN    Cat Expectation Values
[11:33] Salmon
    We used that data to determine
SIGN    Cat Distribution Diagram
[11:34] Salmon
    the values of likely places cats
    might be in this neighborhood
[11:37] Salmon
    and came up with expectation values.
[11:39] Plum
    The higher the value, the higher
    the chance of running into a cat.
[11:43] Ichi
    How can you even do that?
[11:45] Salmon
    We are unsure,
SIGN    Cat Distribution Diagram
[11:47] Salmon
    but the results are definite.
[11:53] Ichi
    Oh, I see.
[11:56] Salmon
    You like cats, don't you?
[11:59] Ichi
    Huh?
[12:00] Plum
    That's what Jyushimatsu-san said.
[12:03] Ichi
    I-I don't like them that much...
[12:06] Salmon
    You're not very honest
    with yourself, are you?
[12:08] Ichi
    What?
[12:09] Plum
    That's what Jyushimatsu-san said.
[12:12] Ichi
    That bastard needs to keep his mouth shut.
[12:14] Ichi
    I'm gonna beat the shit out
    of him when I get home.
[12:16] Both
    Ichimatsu-san.
[12:18] Salmon
    Come along with us...
[12:20] Plum
    ...as we use the cat expectation values...
[12:21] Salmon
    ...to find some cats. Let's go!
[12:26] Ichi
    No, that's okay.
[12:27] Both
    Huh?
[12:28] Ichi
    I'm not really looking for cats.
    I'm not even interested.
[12:35] Salmon
    Are you sure?
[12:36] Ichi
    I'm sure.
[12:37] Plum
    Are you being honest?
[12:38] Ichi
    Yup.
[12:40] Twins
    I see. Well, then, goodbye.
[12:46] Ichi
    Say...
[12:49] Ichi
    Can you really find cats? Like, will we
    be able to find some immediately?
SIGN    Cat Expectation Values
[12:55] Salmon
    Would you like to use the
    cat expectation values?
[12:57] Ichi
    No...
[12:59] Plum
    Don't you want to see any cats?
[13:00] Ichi
    Not at all.
[13:02] Twins
    Goodbye.
[13:04] Ichi
    Um...
[13:06] Ichi
    You see, I have a lot of time on my hands,
    being a NEET and such. Yes.
[13:11] Ichi
    So if you absolutely insist I go with you,
    I guess I wouldn't mind.
[13:16] Ichi
    Yes, yes, yes.
SIGN    Sutabaa Coffee
[13:22] Twins
    We found one.
[13:24] Ichi
    Seriously? There actually is one! H-Huh?
[13:26] Ichi
    But how?
[13:27] Ichi
    They don't usually come here.
[13:29] Plum
    They do at this time.
[13:31] Ichi
    But why?
[13:32] Plum
    We are unsure.
[13:34] Plum
    That's just what the cat
    expectation values tell us.
[13:58] Both
    Are you happy?
[14:02] Ichi
    Uh, yeah.
[14:04] Plum
    Are you satisfied?
[14:06] Ichi
    Yes.
[14:08] Both
    Hooray. Hooray. Hooray.
[14:11] Both
    Hooray!
SIGN    Address    Cat Expectation Values Honmachi 2-3-5                       95 Honmachi 3-6-12                     81 Higashimachi 1-1-11                91 Higashimachi 2-9-8                  77 Minamimachi 3-8-42                75
SIGN    Address    Cat Expectation Values
    Honmachi 2-3-5                       95
    Honmachi 3-6-12                     81
    Higashimachi 1-1-11                91
    Higashimachi 2-9-8                  77
    Minamimachi 3-8-42                75
    Minamimachi 4-5-4                  66
SIGN    Kitamachi 1-21-8         68 Kitamachi 3-5-17         75 Nakamachi 2-14-5       92 Nakamachi 4-23-16     84 Kamimachi 2-5-13       79
[15:27] Salmon
    Ichimatsu-san, let's go this way next.
[15:30] Ume
    This way.
[15:31] Twins
    We're so glad you're happy.
[15:33] Plum
    So glad.
[15:34] Salmon
    Now you don't need to waste
    time looking for cats.
[15:38] Salmon
    Time saved.
[15:40] Plum
    Optimization!
[15:44] Ichi
    Hey...
[15:46] Ichi
    Sorry. I'm done.
[15:51] Ichi
    You can have this back.
[15:55] Ichi
    Thanks, but I don't need it anymore.
[15:58] Ichi
    I'll find them on my own from now on.
[16:04] Salmon
    I wonder why.
[16:06] Plum
    I wonder why.
[16:13] Salmon
    Maybe he doesn't like cats.
[16:16] Plum
    Maybe he doesn't like us.
[16:20] Both
    I don't know.
[16:28] Oso
    Oh, there you are.
SIGN    "Massage"
[16:30] Oso
    You free? Could you give me a massage?
[16:33] Jyushi
    A massage? Sure.
[16:35] Oso
    Thanks!
[16:38] Oso
    All right, have at it.
[16:39] Jyushi
    Here I go!
[16:41] Oso
    Sure.
[16:48] Oso
    That feels great.
[16:50] Oso
    You're good at this, Jyushimatsu.
[16:51] Oso
    You're pretty strong.
[16:54] Oso
    You can dig in a bit more. I'm fine.
[16:57] Jyushi
    You sure? Like this?
[17:00] Oso
    Yeah, just like that! That feels so good!
[17:06] Oso
    Can you do it even harder?
[17:07] Jyushi
    Harder?
[17:14] Jyushi
    Wait, doesn't that hurt?
    I'm really digging in there.
[17:18] Oso
    Nope, totally fine... Harder... Harder!
[17:24] Oso
    Yes! Harder!
[17:26] Oso
    Whoa, what the hell?!
[17:28] Jyushi
    Wait, doesn't that hurt?
[17:29] Oso
    It doesn't! Harder!
[17:35] Oso
    Yes!
[17:37] Oso
    It hurts!
[17:39] Jyushi
    Wait, it hurts?
[17:40] Oso
    It doesn't hurt!
[17:41] Jyushi
    You clearly just said it hurt.
[17:43] Oso
    I'm fine! It feels amazing!
[17:48] Oso
    More!
[17:51] Oso
    Jyushimatsu, stop!
[17:53] Jyushi
    Should I stop?
[17:54] Oso
    No!
[17:54] Jyushi
    Which is it?
[17:55] Oso
    Keep going! It feels so good!
[17:57] Jyushi
    Are you sure? I'm actually
    scared to go any harder.
[18:01] Oso
    I'm fine! Go harder! Please!
[18:08] Jyushi
    I'm scared. I'm really scared.
[18:11] Jyushi
    I'm so scared!
[18:14] Jyushi
    I'm so scared!
[18:16] Jyushi
    I wanna stop!
[18:26] Jyushi
    Huh?
[18:29] Jyushi
    Osomatsu-niisan?
[18:34] Jyushi
    Osomatsu-niisan!
[18:38] Jyushi
    H-Huh? Huh?
[18:41] Jyushi
    What?!
[18:45] Oso
    Man, that felt great!
[18:48] Oso
    Thanks, Jyushimatsu!
[18:50] Jyushi
    That was dangerous!
[18:52] Jyushi
    That was really dangerous, Osomatsu-niisan!
[18:54] Oso
    That felt amazing. Thanks, Jyushimatsu.
[18:56] Jyushi
    You're very welcome!
[18:58] Oso
    Do it one more time.
[18:59] Jyushi
    No way!
[19:00] Jyushi
    Absolutely not!
[19:01] Oso
    Why not?
[19:02] Jyushi
    I thought you were dead!
    That was a really close call!
[19:06] Oso
    What are you talking about?
    No one dies from massages.
[19:10] Jyushi
    You're right, they don't.
    But you almost did!
[19:13] Oso
    All right, let's continue.
[19:15] Jyushi
    No way!
[19:16] Oso
    Hurry up.
[19:17] Jysuhi
    Not happening.
[19:18] Oso
    Why not?
[19:19] Jyushi
    I don't want to kill you, Osomatsu-niisan.
[19:22] Oso
    Just one more time. Please.
[19:26] Oso
    Hurry!
[19:31] Jyushi
    This is the last time.
[19:33] Oso
    Sure!
[19:34] Jyushi
    Also, don't tell me to go
    harder anymore. It's scary.
[19:37] Oso
    You got it!
[19:38] Jyushi
    Also, no dying.
[19:40] Oso
    Got it.
[19:42] Jyushi
    Okay, just one more time.
[19:45] Jyushi
    Here I go.
[19:45] Oso
    Thanks!
[19:48] Oso
    Go harder!
[19:51] Oso
    Harder!
[19:53] Oso
    Harder!
[19:56] Oso
    Holy shit! What is this?!
[19:58] Oso
    I've never felt this before!
     It's totally new!
[19:59] Jyushi
    I'm scared! I wanna stop!
[20:02] Oso
    Jyushimatsu!
[20:03] Jyushi
    Osomatsu-niisan!
[20:05] Oso
    Jyushimatsu!
[20:06] Jyushi
    Osomatsu-niisan?
[20:08] Oso
    Jyushimatsu!
[20:09] Jyushi
    Osomatsu-niisan!
[20:16] Jyushi
    Huh?
[20:18] Jyushi
    Osomatsu-niisan?
[20:21] Jyushi
    Osomatsu-niisan?
[20:26] Jyushi
    There you go again!
     Come on, Osomatsu-niisan.
[20:29] Jyushi
    Osomatsu-niisan, stop messing
    around and wake up.
[20:32] Jyushi
    Osomatsu-niisan!
[20:36] Jyushi
    Huh? Wait, Osomatsu-niisan?
[20:40] Jyushi
    Osomatsu-niisan!
[20:41] Jyushi
    Hey! Wake up!
[20:43] Choro
    Keep it down, Jyushimatsu!
[20:46] Choro
    What are you screaming about?
[20:49] Choro
    What's wrong?
[20:57] Choro
    Just keep the noise down, okay?
[21:07] Jyushi
    What am I going to do?
    What am I going to do?!
[21:12] Oso
    Gotcha!
[21:15] Oso
    Did I scare you, Jyushimatsu?
[21:19] Oso
    What's with that face? You're such an idiot!
[21:22] Oso
    I wouldn't die from a massage!
    It was just an act!
[21:30] Jyushi
    That's enough!
[21:39] Choro
    What's the matter, Jyushimatsu?
    Why are you so angry?
[21:43] Choro
    What?!
[21:45] Choro
    Wh-What happened in here?
[21:50] Choro
    Th-That's...
[21:53] Choro
    Osomatsu-niisan...
[21:55] Choro
    has been murdered.
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:29] Choro
    I'm Matsuno Choromatsu.
[23:31] Choro
    The next episode of Mr. Osomatsu
[23:32] Choro
    will be a tidbits collection
    filled with little stories.
[23:36] Choro
    Whenever you just happen to have
    a happy accident in your daily life,
[23:39] Choro
    please think of me, Matsuno Choromatsu.
[23:43] Choro
    I'll come see you.
[23:44] Choro
    What do I mean by a happy accident?
[23:46] Choro
    Huh? Why are you asking
    me something so lewd?!
SIGN    "Tidbits Collection 3"
[23:50] Choro
    Are you a pervert?
[23:52] Choro
    Come on, now!

E7 - Tidbits Collection 3
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[01:40] Totty
    Huh?
[01:41] Chibi
    Yeah, uh, could I get a cut and a dye job?
SIGN    "Salon"
[01:44] Totty
    C-C... Cut?
[01:46] Totty
    A-And a dye job?
[01:55] Totty
    P-Pardon me...
[02:10] Totty
    All done.
[02:14] Chibi
    Thanks!
[02:23] Totty
    Is this really okay?!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[02:32] Uggo
    Please stop crying.
SIGN    "Stand Up"
[02:33] Uggo
    Mommy will be home soon.
[02:37] Uggo
    See? Here she is now.
[02:45] Both
    We're back...
[02:52] Toto
    She stood up!
[02:53] Nyaa
    She stood up!
[02:54] Toto
    Congrats!
[02:55] Nyaa
    Thanks!
[02:58] Uggo
    Uh, you guys got the wrong idea.
SIGN    End
SIGN    Totoko
SIGN    Nyaa
[03:12] Totty
    Houston, this is M36.
[03:14] Totty
    We will be arriving at the ISS momentarily.
[03:17] Totty
    Requesting permission to dock.
[03:19] Kara
    Houston here, roger.
[03:21] Kara
    Permission to dock granted.
[03:25] Totty
    Well, it's finally time.
[03:26] Choro
    Yeah. Everyone back on
    Earth is counting on us.
[03:32] Choro
    And for everyone who supported us...
[03:36] Choro
    We need to make sure this is a success.
[03:38] Totty
    Right!
[03:40] Totty
    I see it!
[03:41] Choro
    So that must be it.
[03:42] Totty
    Yes.
[03:43] Choro
    All right.
[03:45] Choro
    Prepare for docking.
[04:00] Totty
    H-Hey, wait a sec! Stop! Stop!
[04:02] Choro
    What is it?
[04:03] Totty
    The shapes are totally different!
[04:05] Totty
    There's no way we can dock!
[04:09] Choro
    Wait... We've got the right
    space station, right?
[04:12] Totty
    Yes.
[04:13] Choro
    Hey, Riceballs. Is this the right one?
[04:15] Omu
    Yes. This is definitely the
    correct space station.
[04:19] Choro
    That's strange. Let's confirm with Houston.
[04:22] Totty
    Sure.
[04:23] Choro
    Houston, this is M36. We have an emergency.
[04:27] Kara
    What's wrong?
[04:28] Choro
    We just got to the space station, but our
    connector parts seem completely different.
[04:35] Kara
    Let me see...
[04:38] Kara
    Actually, I think you can just make it.
[04:40] Choro
    You think so?
[04:41] Todo
    No way.
[04:41] Kara
    The key is to tell yourself you can do it!
[04:43] Choro
    Good point.
[04:44] Todo
    No, it's not.
[04:45] Kara
    Believe in the strength
    that lies within you!
[04:47] Kara
    Then a miracle is sure to happen!
[04:51] Choro
    All right.
[04:52] Totty
    What?!
[04:53] Kara
    Good luck!
[04:54] Todo
    Hey! Stop! Stop!
[04:57] Todo
    Huh? Are you seriously going to dock?
[05:00] Choro
    Yeah.
[05:00] Todo
    It's not going to fit.
[05:02] Choro
    A miracle will happen if you
    just believe in yourself.
[05:04] Todo
    That's idealism!
[05:05] Todo
    That's the last thing that works in space!
[05:07] Choro
    Huh? Then... should we confirm
    with Washington, too?
[05:10] Todo
    Yeah, please do.
[05:12] Choro
    Washington, this is M36.
[05:15] Oso
    'Sup? Did you find some cute aliens?
[05:19] Choro
    Let's ask the president.
[05:20] Todo
    Yeah.
[05:22] Choro
    White House, this is M36.
[05:26] Choro
    We can only count on our friends now.
[05:28] Todo
    Ain't that the truth?
SIGN    Choromatsu & Todomatsu                    Congratulations!
SIGN    Congratulations 
    on Your 
    Successful
     Mission
[05:32] All
    Congratulations on your successful mission!
SIGN    Choromatsu & Todomatsu                    Congratulations!
SIGN    Congratulations 
    on Your 
    Successful
     Mission
[05:36] Toto
    You're so amazing, Choromatsu-kun!
    Todomatsu-kun!
[05:39] Dad
    We're so proud of you boys!
[05:41] Mom
    Well done, you two!
SIGN    Choromatsu & Todomatsu                    Congratulations!
SIGN    Congratulations 
    on Your 
    Successful
     Mission
[05:44] Jyushi
    Let's all celebrate once
    you get back to Earth!
[05:48] Todo
    Jeez, they're all really jumping the gun.
[05:51] Todo
    They already think we succeeded.
[05:53] Todo
    But what can we do?
[05:56] Todo
    Let's head back for now
    and think this through fully.
[05:59] Todo
    Huh? Hey, wait!
[06:01] Choro
    We can't just turn back now.
     We have to do this.
[06:04] Todo
    Wait, wait, wait, wait!
[06:06] Choro
    I can do this. I can do this.
     I can do this. I can.
[06:08] Todo
    No, you can't! Some things
    just aren't possible!
[06:13] Todo
    Wait, it's scraping! It's scraping!
[06:15] Todo
    It's scraping!
[06:22] Choro
    Go on! Get in there!
[06:24] Todo
    This isn't docking anymore!
[06:26] Choro
    Go on! Get in there!
SIGN    END
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[06:43] Iyami
    Me is late...
SIGN    "The Night Path"
[06:45] Iyami
    Me is from France.
    Why must me go through this?
[06:50] Iyami
    It's past 2 AM... What a creepy time.
[06:53] Iyami
    Me needs to get home fast.
[06:58] Iyami
    I-It's a kappa...
[07:12] Hata
    Jo...
[07:13] Iyami
    It's an azukiarai!
[07:15] Hata
    Jo!
[07:28] Iyami
    A rokurokubi!
[07:39] Iyami
    An amabie!
[07:51] Iyami
    A nopperabou!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    The Master of Wit, Chibikyuu
SIGN    Episode Director: Kodaka Yoshiki     Script: Matsubara Shuu    Art: Tamura Seiki
[08:35] Dayon
    Halt!
SIGN    You Shall  Not Pass
[08:38] Dayon
    You can't cross this bridge!
SIGN    You Shall  Not Pass
[08:44] Chibi
    Aw, come on.
[08:46] Osoma
    Chibikyuu-san!
[09:16] Chibi
    Got it! I won't pass this bridge!
[09:20] Dayon
    Head on home, then!
[09:24] Osoma
    Huh? Protein?
[09:28] Osoma
    Chibikyuu-san?
[09:39] Osoma
    Wha?!
[09:51] Osoma
    He's putting his left foot forward before
    his right foot reaches the ground,
[09:54] Osoma
    and his right foot forward before
    his left foot reaches the ground.
[09:57] Osoma
    This is the product of
    mastery of leg strength...
[10:00] Osoma
    "Walking in the Air."
[10:03] Osoma
    He is clearly not crossing the bridge,
[10:05] Osoma
    which means no one can complain.
[10:12] Chibi
    I apologize for the fuss.
[10:14] Toto
    I-It's all right.
[10:21] Osoma
    Way to go, Master of Wit!
[10:25] Toto
    Wit?
[10:30] Iyami
    Welcome, Chibikyuu-dono.
[10:32] Iyami
    Karaemon, prepare the goods.
[10:35] Kara
    Yes, sir.
[10:37] Hata
    Jo...
[10:39] Iyami
    Chibikyuu-dono, I'd like you
    to catch this tiger.
[10:54] Osoma
    So fast!
[10:55] Osoma
    Again with the protein!
[11:04] Chibi
    Here we go!
[11:14] Ichi
    What the hell is that shrimp doing?!
[11:16] Jyushi
    Did he lose his mind?
[11:19] Kara
    No, that's not it.
[11:20] All
    Huh?
[11:21] Kara
    I can see it! I can see it clearly!
[11:23] Kara
    I can see that savage tiger
    attacking the shrimp!
[11:28] Iyami
    This is...
[11:29] Osoma
    Never underestimate the imagination
    of a top-class martial artist.
[11:33] Osoma
    Their keen senses of concentration
[11:34] Osoma
    can produce a shadow more
    realistic than reality itself!
[11:41] Chibi
    You idjit! Pay attention!
[11:44] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[11:55] Osoma
    Master of Wit!
[11:58] Toto
    Huh?!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Matsuzou's Job"
[12:01] Dad
    Off I go!
[12:05] Ichi
    So, like... Dad pretty much supports
    our household on his own, right?
[12:10] Oso
    Yeah.
[12:10] Ichi
    But we don't know what his job is, do we?
[12:14] Oso
    No.
[12:15] Ichi
    Let's go see what he does.
[12:17] Oso
    Yeah.
SIGN    Matsu Matsu Trading
[12:20] Ichi
    So this is where he works.
[12:22] Oso
    Huh...
SIGN    Be Quiet
SIGN    Be Quiet
[12:30] Oso
    This is basically an office
    you'd see anywhere.
[12:33] Oso
    Talk about déjà vu.
[12:34] Ichi
    I wonder what his job actually is.
[12:36] Oso
    Yeah, I have no idea.
[12:42] Oso
    What? Wait, why?
[12:48] Oso
    He put it back.
[12:54] Both
    What?
[12:56] Prez
    Matsuno-kun, good work.
[12:58] Oso
    He just gave him money.
[13:01] Oso
    What kind of job is this?
[13:04] Ichi
    I wonder what he's making.
[13:07] Ichi
    What is that?
[13:11] Both
    Huh?!
[13:15] Oso
    Stop hanging up. Answer it.
[13:19] Oso
    Why is he dancing?
[13:21] Prez
    Matsuno-kun, good work.
[13:26] Oso
    Seriously, what is his job?
[13:31] Dad
    I'm tired. I'm so tired!
[13:35] Both
    Huh?
[13:41] Ichi
    He froze?
[13:44] Both
    Huh? Wha?
[13:47] Both
    That's creepy! That's super creepy!
[13:54] ---
    He finally answered it.
[13:56] Dad
    sdkjhjfkdskjds
[13:57] Dad
    alkdjfoirnkolerngfkj
[14:01] Dad
    alskdjlakdoijfomk
[14:04] Dad
    Matsuzou finish!
[14:06] Both
    Holy shit!
[14:09] Ichi
    Hey, he's going somewhere.
[14:14] Oso
    Why's he climbing the side of a building?
[14:22] Oso
    Wait, is Dad some kind of assassin?
[14:25] Ichi
    Seriously?
[14:41] Prez
    Matsuno-kun, you're promoted
    to section chief as of tomorrow.
[14:43] Dad
    Yes! Yes, yes, heck yes!
[14:45] Ichi
    Huh?!
SIGN    End
[14:46] Dad
    Yes! Yes, yes, heck yes!
[14:46] Oso
    I have no idea what's going on.
SIGN    Master of Wit 
    Chibikyuu
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[14:56] Kara
    Wow... Do that one more time, Riceballs.
SIGN    "Voice Function"
[15:02] Salmon
    I'm Jyushimatsu!
[15:05] Plum
    I'm the cute youngest brother, Totty!
[15:08] Salmon
    I'm Hatabou, jo.
[15:10] Plum
    Dayon!
[15:12] Kara
    You guys sound just like them!
    What the heck?
[15:15] Salmon
    This is our voice function.
[15:16] Salmon
    We AI can recreate any
    voice we've heard once.
[15:21] Salmon
    Are you happy?
[15:23] Plum
    Are you satisfied?
[15:25] Kara
    I mean... Wow, that startled me.
[15:27] Choro
    Yeah.
[15:30] Kara
    What's up, Choromatsu?
[15:32] Choro
    H-Hey, Riceballs... Is there any chance
    you can do Totoko-chan's voice, too?
[15:36] Both
    Why, yes! Of course!
[15:38] Kara
    Seriously?!
[15:39] Kara
    Then if we request a line, you'll be
    able to say it in Totoko-chan's voice?
[15:43] Both
    Yes!
[15:43] Kara
    Seriously?!
[15:44] Choro
    Seriously?!
[15:45] Both
    Then, then, hey!
[15:46] Kara
    Is this really okay?
[15:48] Choro
    Yeah, I'm not sure.
[15:50] Kara
    This may go against our morals.
[15:51] Choro
    Especially if you think about
    Totoko-chan's feelings.
[15:54] Kara
    Maybe we shouldn't.
[15:57] Kara
    Maybe just once.
[15:58] Choro
    Yeah, just once.
[16:01] Choro
    First, why don't we have her say our names?
[16:04] Kara
    Our names... That's a perfect line.
    Let's go with that.
[16:08] Choro
    Riceballs, could you say my
    name in Totoko-chan's voice?
[16:13] Salmon
    Choromatsu-kun.
[16:16] Kara
    Me, too!
[16:18] Plum
    Karamatsu-kun.
[16:20] Both
    Thanks for saying our names, Totoko-chan!
[16:24] Both
    We're so sorry, Totoko-chan!
[16:29] Kara
    Wanna try just one more time?
[16:30] Choro
    Just once more.
[16:33] Kara
    Hmm... What should our next line be?
[16:36] Choro
    How about this?
[16:38] Choro
    I love you.
[16:39] Kara
    What?! We're already going that far?!
[16:42] Kara
    Is that really okay?! Is anyone watching?!
[16:44] Choro
    This is just for good measure!
[16:45] Kara
    Good measure! Yeah!
[16:48] Salmon
    I love you.
[16:52] Plum
    I love you.
[16:53] Kara
    I-I felt that one!
[16:55] Choro
    I feel so full!
[16:57] Kara
    Once more!
[16:58] Salmon
    I love you.
[16:59] Plum
    I love you.
[17:00] Kara
    Could you add our names before that line?
[17:02] Salmon
    Karamatsu-kun, I love you.
[17:05] Plum
    Choromatsu-kun, I love you.
[17:07] Choro
    I'm going to fly! So high!
[17:09] Kara
    You already are.
[17:11] Choro
    So are you, though!
[17:13] Both
    We're so sorry, Totoko-chan!
[17:17] Kara
    Wanna try just one more time?
[17:19] Choro
    Just once more.
[17:21] Choro
    What should our next line be?
[17:24] ---
    ...thing... ris...
[17:25] Choro
    Huh? Say what?
[17:26] Kara
    Something risqué...
[17:28] Choro
    Huh?
[17:28] Kara
    Something risqué...
[17:30] Choro
    Risqué? What do you mean?
[17:32] Kara
    I mean, you know... s-something dirty...
[17:35] Choro
    Huh? Just spit it out already.
[17:39] Kara
    You're an ass, you know that?!
    You know exactly what I'm saying!
[17:41] Kara
    You just don't want to say it yourself!
[17:43] Choro
    I have no idea what you're talking about!
    What do you want to hear Totoko-chan say?
[17:47] Kara
    You know! Something involving our dicks!
[17:50] Choro
    Is this really okay?!
    No one's watching, are they?!
[17:52] Kara
    Hey!
[17:53] Choro
    Hey!
[17:56] Choro
    Yeah, we probably shouldn't do that.
[18:00] Kara
    Yeah, I know... But we want
    to go as far as we can...
[18:03] Choro
    I get it! Something that's within our
    moral boundaries and still dirty.
[18:07] Choro
    I wonder what it should be...
[18:10] Kara
    Hey, how about this?
[18:12] Kara
    Bukkake udon.
[18:14] Choro
    No, that's too dirty. You went too far.
[18:15] Kara
    I see.
[18:17] Choro
    Hey, what about this?
[18:18] Choro
    Privatization of Reclaimed
    Lands in Perpetuity Act.
[18:20] Kara
    Why do you want her to say that?
[18:22] Choro
    No?
[18:23] Kara
    How about this? Coccyx.
[18:25] Choro
    How about this? Essex.
[18:27] Kara
    Shabu-shabu.
[18:28] Choro
    Mastication.
[18:30] Kara
    Stimulated emission.
[18:31] Choro
    Cummingtonite.
[18:32] Kara
    Formication.
[18:33] Choro
    Direct Opposing Rook.
[18:35] Kara
    Lickety-split.
[18:36] Choro
    Cockchafer.
[18:38] Choro
    It's no use. We've gone in so many circles,
    I don't know what's safe anymore.
[18:42] Kara
    Let's stop messing around.
[18:45] Kara
    I feel bad for Totoko-chan.
[18:46] Choro
    Yeah.
[18:47] Choro
    Let's stop.
[18:52] Both
    We're done!
[18:54] Kara
    Riceballs...
[18:55] Kara
    Read this clearly and with
    passion in Totoko-chan's voice!
[18:59] Salmon
    Are you sure?
[19:00] Choro
    Yes! We're trash! This is fine!
[19:04] Both
    All right.
[19:06] Salmon
    Here we go.
[19:08] Salmon
    Coc—
[19:10] Salmon
    Vagi— An—
[19:12] Kara
    We're sorry!
[19:13] Choro
    We're sorry!
[19:14] Salmon
    —me harder! Harder—
[19:16] Kara
    We're sorry!
[19:17] Choro
    We're sorry!
[19:19] Omu
    Fu—
[19:20] Omu
    Mast—
[19:21] Omu
    Play with my—
[19:22] Omu
    In the—
[19:23] Omu
    Harder—
[19:24] Omusu
    Pussy—
[19:27] Salmon
    There you have it.
[19:28] Salmon
    Are you happy?
[19:30] Plum
    Are you satisfied?
[19:39] Both
    They're dead.
SIGN    End
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Governor Jyushimatsu"
[19:46] Sign
    Let's Stand Firm, 
    Jyushimatsu Prefecture
[19:47] Guy
    We will now begin this routine 
    press conference with the
[19:50] Guy
    Governor of Jyushimatsu 
    Prefecture, Jyushimatsu.
[19:53] Guy
    We'll have time for a Q&A later.
SIGN    Come on over to  Jyushimatsu Prefecture  Tourism Promotion  Campaign
[19:56] Guy
    Governor, if you will.
[20:02] Guy
    Governor.
[20:06] Guy
    Governor?
[20:09] Guy
    Governor, if you will...
[20:11] Jyushi
    Governor, if you will.
[20:13] Guy
    No, you're the governor.
[20:14] Jyushi
    Huh? The governor?
[20:15] Guy
    Yes.
[20:16] Jyushi
    Governor?
[20:17] Guy
    No.
[20:18] Jyushi
    Governor?
[20:19] Guy
    Yes.
[20:20] Jyushi
    Governor!
[20:23] Guy
    Please don't touch the mic,
    Governor. Governor.
[20:29] Guy
    Please remove that, Governor.
[20:31] Guy
    Please go ahead with this
    week's announcements.
[20:34] Jyushi
    Ahem.
[20:38] Guy
    Governor.
[20:40] Guy
    Governor.
[20:42] Guy
    Please don't touch the mic, Governor.
[20:43] Guy
    Please go ahead with this
    week's announcements.
[20:46] Jyushi
    Ahem.
[20:48] Jyushi
    Well, it seems that the
    people of our prefecture
[20:52] Jyushi
    have been very vocal, detailed, and rather
    bold regarding their regrets lately,
[20:58] Jyushi
    and I thought, "Oh, no. Oh, no, no."
[21:01] Jyushi
    I regretfully understand how bad this is,
[21:04] Jyushi
    but while we're on the subject,
    or maybe we're not on the subject at all.
[21:08] Jyushi
    In regards to the regrets, I fundamentally
    wholeheartedly understand
[21:13] Jyushi
    this comprehensible untrodden intent and,
    concerning the allegations,
[21:19] Jyushi
    I strive to be bold as well as detailed,
[21:22] Jyushi
    vague, hateful, yet unbelievable poker face.
SIGN    Come on over to 
    Jyushimatsu Prefecture 
    Tourism Promotion
     Campaign
[21:26] Jyushi
    That ends well all's well is.
[21:28] ---
    Let's Stand Firm, 
    Jyushimatsu Prefecture
[21:29] Jyushi
    Nope.
[21:30] Jyushi
    All's well that ends well.
[21:32] Jyushi
    That's not quite right, either.
[21:35] Jyushi
    As for everyone in the prefecture,
[21:38] Jyushi
    I hope that you will warmly respect today,
[21:41] Jyushi
    never truly devoting yourself to the cause,
[21:44] Jyushi
    and I fundamentally, symbolically,
    unabashedly want to eat some offal.
[21:49] Jyushi
    But while I regret to reform
    you about your regrets,
[21:54] Jyushi
    it cannot be helped to the point
    that help cannot be helped
[21:57] Jyushi
    and therefore, cannot be helped.
[22:01] Jyushi
    So I hope that you will all praise so-and-so
    Kamehameha James Rodriguez.
[22:07] Jyushi
    Thank you very much for watching today!
[22:12] Guy
    Governor! Governor!
[22:15] Guy
    How the hell did you get elected?!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "To the South"  etc.

E8 - To the South
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    To the south
SIGN    You're pretty good, Partner
SIGN    You're not too bad yourself
[04:57] Dayon
    Dayon!
SIGN    All right, Partner, let's go
SIGN    To the south
SIGN    Dayon
SIGN    "Mt. Takao"
[06:31] Choro
    Good morning. I'm Choromatsu.
[06:34] Choro
    Today, we're all going to Mt. Takao.
[06:38] Choro
    Mt. Takao is a popular tourist
    spot located in Hachioji.
[06:41] Choro
    More people climb it per year than
    any other mountain in the world.
[06:45] Choro
    I'm so excited!
[06:50] Choro
    Guys, hurry up. We're gonna miss the train.
[06:54] Ichi
    Here I am.
[06:57] Choro
    You're taking this climb very lightly.
[06:59] Choro
    Why are you wearing sandals?
[07:01] Kara
    Sorry for the wait.
[07:03] Choro
    Why do you have a guitar?
[07:05] Todo
    All set!
SIGN    Sunscreen
[07:08] Choro
    You're way too worried about sunburn!
[07:10] Choro
    We're climbing a mountain, Todomatsu! A little sunburn comes with the territory!
[07:18] Choro
    Huh?!
[07:19] Choro
    I didn't plan on this mountain 
    trip being that hardcore!
[07:23] Choro
    Wait, uh...
[07:24] Choro
    Where's the last one?
[07:38] Choro
    Wake up!
[07:47] Oso
    Man, the local train is so empty
    during the day on weekdays. I love it.
[07:52] Oso
    Why don't most people ride around this time?
[07:56] Choro
    Probably because they're working.
[07:58] Jyushi
    If you go anywhere, going during
    the day on a weekday is the best.
[08:00] Jyushi
    It's never very crowded.
[08:02] Todo
    Why doesn't everyone else do this?
    Are they stupid?
[08:06] Jyushi
    It's probably because they're working.
[08:08] Kara
    I guess that makes us NEETs winners.
[08:12] Jyushi
    True.
[08:16] Ichi
    By the way, why are we
    suddenly going to Mt. Takao?
[08:20] Jyushi
    So that we NEETs can quell the tinge
    of anxiety we feel from day to day.
[08:26] Todo
    Exactly! If we take these
    slightly longer trips,
[08:29] Todo
    we feel like we've accomplished something,
    and we feel a little better emotionally.
[08:32] Todo
    That's what we're after here.
[08:34] Ichi
    I see.
[08:36] All
    Being NEETs is the best!
[08:42] Choro
    Enough nonsense, you guys.
    Here, just read this.
[08:45] Ichi
    The hell is this?
SIGN    Trip Guide
    Mt. Takao
[08:48] Choro
    A trip guide!
[08:49] All
    Guide?
[08:51] Choro
    I worked extra hard on these just
    so we could use them today.
[08:55] Oso
    I can't even fully express how
    disgusted I am with you right now.
[08:58] Choro
    Don't be disgusted with me!
[09:00] Kara
    Hey!
[09:01] Kara
    This guide...
[09:03] Kara
    doesn't seem to include my solo concert!
[09:06] Choro
    Why the hell would it?
SIGN    7 AM Wake up
    8 AM Kichijoji Station
    8:20 AM Meidaimae Station
    9:20 AM Takaosanguchi Station
    Commemorative Photo
    10:40 AM Reach the top
    Commemorative Photo
    12 PM Lunch
[09:07] Todo
    Uh... aren't there a lot
    of commemorative photos?
SIGN    1 PM Observatory
    Commemorative Photo
    3 PM Yakuo-in Temple
    Commemorative Photo
[09:11] Todo
    That's gonna be pretty
    rough with six guys.
[09:13] Jyushi
    The recreation sucks, too.
SIGN    5 PM Recreation
    Shiritori
    Bingo
    Hide and seek
    7 PM Campfire
    Commemorative Photo
    Let's all talk about our dreams.
[09:15] Jyu
    Shiritori, bingo, hide and seek...
    Yeah, this is hell.
[09:19] Ichi
    Hey, what the hell is this
    about a campfire at the end?
[09:22] Ichi
    "L-Let's all talk about our dreams"?
SIGN    7 PM Campfire
    Commemorative Photo
    Let's all talk about our dreams.
[09:25] Oso
    With six guys?
[09:28] Todo
    At Mt. Takao?
[09:31] Choro
    We're doing this! Got it?!
[09:33] Choro
    I took the time to figure this all out!
[09:35] Choro
    You'll do as I say!
[09:44] Choro
    We're transferring here.
[09:45] Some
    Yeah...
[09:48] Choro
    One more transfer.
[09:50] Choro
    Next, we're transferring over here.
[09:54] Ichi
    It is super easy on us to have someone like 
    him, though. All we have to do is follow him.
[10:00] Oso
    It is pretty helpful.
[10:02] Kara
    Choromatsu, sorry for getting
    on your case earlier.
[10:05] All
    Sorry.
[10:13] Todo
    Where the hell are we?!
[10:15] Todo
    We're not getting any closer to
    the mountain, Choromatsu-niisan!
[10:18] Jyushi
    We're lost, aren't we?
[10:19] Ichi
    Come on...
[10:21] Choro
    No, we're not lost.
[10:23] Kara
    Uh, but...
[10:24] Choro
    We're not lost.
[10:25] Kara
    Wha—
[10:26] Choro
    We're not lost. We're not lost.
    We're not lost. We're not lost.
[10:28] Todo
    Dude, you're creeping me out...
SIGN    Ticket
SIGN    Ticket
[10:40] Jyu
    Huh?
[10:42] Jyushi
    Crap. I don't have my ticket.
[10:44] Todo
    What? Jeez...
[10:46] Ichi
    I don't have mine, either.
[10:47] Todo
    What?!
[10:48] Kara
    Me, neither.
[10:49] Todo
    Huh?!
[10:49] Kara
    Osomatsu, do you have your ticket?
[10:52] Oso
    What's a ticket?
[10:54] Todo
    Uh, hello?! Adults supposedly over 20!
[10:57] Todo
    Er, Choromatsu-niisan, there's no
    point in looking through the guide.
[11:00] Todo
    It's not gonna solve anything for you.
[11:16] Choro
    What are you doing?
[11:17] Jyushi
    Be careful! Ya never know what's
    gonna happen on the mountain!
[11:20] Choro
    We're not there yet.
[11:22] Todo
    Hmm... How far should we go?
[11:25] Todo
    It's too hard to go all the way to the summit.
SIGN    Yakuo-in Temple
[11:28] Choro
    How about we go to Yakuo-in, then?
[11:30] Choro
    Let's pay our respects there.
[11:32] Todo
    Oh, nice. We should get going, then.
    I don't want it to get dark.
[11:35] Choro
    Yeah. So... which way to the mountain?
[11:39] Kara
    The mountain's that way.
[11:41] Jyushi
    Huh? How can you tell, Karamatsu-niisan?
[11:44] Kara
    How can I tell, you ask?
[11:46] Kara
    That's because... the mountain's calling to me.
[11:49] Jyushi
    That's awesome!
[11:51] Todo
    The mountain's this way.
[11:55] Choro
    Hey, wait. We're not all here.
[12:04] Todo
    It's too early to buy gifts!
    Let's buy them on our way home.
SIGN    Myount Takao Gifts
[12:07] Todo
    Also, do you even need that katana?
[12:09] Oso
    It's so cool.
[12:10] Jyushi
    So cool!
[12:11] Choro
    Jyushimatsu! You don't need to buy one!
[12:16] Ichi
    I guess I'm not going to find Ichimatsu.
[12:19] Jyushi
    I found Matsuno, though!
[12:20] Ichi
    For real?!
[12:24] Choro
    Seriously, save the souvenirs for later!
[12:27] Todo
    Instagram likes, here I come!
[12:28] Choro
    Don't wander off, Todomatsu!
[13:01] Choro
    Food later! We need to go to the temple first!
SIGN    Cable Car Station
SIGN    Lift Station
[13:09] Jyushi
    Which should we take?
[13:11] Todo
    It's hard to decide.
[13:13] Todo
    Seriously, put down the guide.
[13:14] Kara
    My brothers...
[13:16] Kara
    Do you really want to rely on civilization?
[13:20] Kara
    The mountain's crying!
[13:22] Kara
    Let's walk up!
[13:24] Kara
    Let's work together to... own this mountain!
[13:28] Todo
    But if we walk up, it's going
    to take almost two hours.
[13:32] Kara
    Huh?
[13:33] Oso
    Go ahead.
[13:34] Jyushi
    Go for it.
[13:36] Choro
    Osomatsu-niisan, should we
    take the cable car or lift?
[13:40] Oso
    Who cares? Why don't we just split up?
[13:45] Todo
    Who's going on the cable car?
[13:46] Choro
    Me.
[13:47] Jyu
    Who's going on the lift?
[13:49] Oso
    Sure.
[13:51] Jyu
    What about you, Ichimatsu-niisan?
[13:52] Ichi
    I'm not sure. This is a hard decision.
[13:55] Todo
    The cable car's totally better. It's safer.
[13:58] Jyushi
    But the lift's way more exciting!
[14:01] Choro
    But the view from the cable
    car tends to be better.
[14:05] Kara
    We need to feel that wind! Lift it is!
[14:08] Jyushi
    What are you going to do, Ichimatsu-niisan?
[14:09] Ichi
    It's a really hard decision. The kind
    that makes your personality come out.
[14:13] Kara
    Take the lift, I'm telling you!
SIGN    Tickets
    
    Welcome
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Cable Car                       Lift                      Groups
[14:14] ---
    I say cable car!
[14:15] ---
    Feel the wind!
[14:17] ---
    It's the lift you want!
[14:22] All
    What should we do?
[14:23] Oso
    Can we just decide already?!
[14:26] Choro
    So we're good with the lift?
[14:27] All
    Yeah.
[14:28] Choro
    Okay, then...
[14:28] Kara
    N-Now, hang on!
[14:30] Kara
    This is pretty expensive!
[14:35] Ichi
    Wh-What should we do?
[14:37] Todo
    I dunno.
[14:38] Kara
    I didn't expect to face an obstacle like this...
[14:40] Jyushi
    Is there a NEET discount?
[14:42] Oso
    Of course not.
[14:48] Jyushi
    Hey, I've got a great idea!
SIGN    One Way Round Trip
[14:57] Todo
    The mountain! We're going up the mountain!
[15:00] Choro
    Six for the kids' pwice pwease!
[15:02] Ichi
    Pwease!
[15:03] Jyushi
    We're kids!
[15:04] Oso
    Kids!
[15:06] All
    Kids' pwice!
SIGN    One way Foot of the mountain -> Summit
SIGN    Operation Hours
[15:11] Oso
    Damn it... She charged full price.
    Mt. Takao pulls no punches.
[15:15] Kara
    Yeah, we gave it too little credit.
[15:20] Ichi
    I can't anymore.
[15:22] Todo
    That was fast. We haven't even
    gone up the mountain yet.
[15:25] Ichi
    My feet are going to fall off.
[15:26] Todo
    Why did you even wear sandals?
[15:29] Kara
    We're gonna be getting on in pairs.
     We should decide who's going with who.
[15:32] Oso
    What? That's gross.
[15:34] Oso
    We can just go one by one.
[15:36] Choro
    We can't. We'd be
    inconveniencing other people.
[15:39] Choro
    Let's decide the pairs with rock-paper-scissors.
[15:42] Choro
    Here we go. Ready, and...
[15:44] All
    Shoot.
[15:45] All
    Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.
[15:48] Jyushi
    There it is!
[15:52] Kara
    Good for you. Sitting next to me
    is a treat, you lucky bastard, you.
[15:57] Ichi
    Totty, will you switch with me?
[16:00] Todo
    Huh? Switch? Really?!
[16:04] Ichi
    Nah, never mind. Both options sorta suck.
[16:06] Todo
    Right?
[16:07] Both
    What's that supposed to mean?
[16:08] Choro
    Wanna switch?
[16:11] All
    Yeah, no way in hell.
[16:12] Choro
    I figured.
[16:13] Oso
    What's that supposed to mean?
[16:17] Oso
    Wait, why are you shaking?
[16:19] Oso
    What's wrong?
[16:20] Choro
    H-How do you get on a lift?
[16:23] Oso
    Huh?
[16:23] Choro
    Crap... I-I might not be able to do this.
[16:25] Oso
    It's easy. You just stand there and it'll
    come to you, then you just sit down.
[16:29] Choro
    I'm getting nervous...
[16:41] Oso
    Hey, you okay?
[16:44] Oso
    Wha—
[16:45] Oso
    Why the hell would you dodge it?!
[16:49] Kara
    Hey!
[16:51] Jyushi
    Wait, wait, wait, wait.
[16:56] Kara
    The mountain and me...
[16:58] Kara
    The mountain and me! The mountain and me!
[17:04] Oso
    I'm so hyped! Woo!
[17:08] Choro
    Stop moving around so much! It's dangerous!
[17:11] Oso
    Hey, just look.
[17:20] Jyushi
    Say, Totty... Could you take
    some pictures of me, too?
[17:24] Todo
    Nope. I'm taking these to look like
    I came to Mt. Takao on my own.
[17:29] Jyushi
    What?
[17:30] Todo
    If I take pictures with you guys,
     I'll get fewer likes.
[17:33] Jyushi
    What?!
[17:34] Todo
    Here, take my picture.
[17:37] Jyushi
    Okay!
[17:38] Todo
    Huh? Hey, wait! What?!
[17:41] Todo
    Hey! Why'd you post that?!
[17:44] Jyushi
    Maybe they'll think we're on a date.
[17:47] Todo
    The horror!
[17:49] Oso
    Hey, guys!
[17:51] Oso
    Aren't you glad we came today?
[17:53] Oso
    Being NEETs is awesome! Yay!
[17:55] All
    Yay!
SIGN    Caution High Voltage
[18:01] Girl
    Oh, stop. I'm going to fall!
[18:09] Oso
    Hope you find happiness!
[18:10] Choro
    Don't cheat on each other, okay?
[18:11] Both
    Don't forget the birth control!
[18:13] Both
    Make sure you wear protection!
SIGN    Say cheese!
SIGN    Photo Spot
SIGN    Photo Op
[18:20] Photographer
    Okay, I'm gonna take the picture!
[18:26] Kara
    The hell is up with these poses?
    I can't believe he got these!
SIGN    1 Photo  700 yen
[18:29] Ichi
    I sorta want these.
[18:31] Oso
    I know! I totally want these!
[18:34] Guy
    Thank you very much.
    One photo will be 700 yen.
[18:38] All
    Nah, that's okay.
[18:39] Guy
    Huh?
[18:40] Jyushi
    We're flat broke, so...
[18:42] Guy
    Huh?
[18:48] Ichi
    I-I can't anymore...
[18:51] Oso
    Damn it, this katana's in the way.
[19:01] Todo
    I'm done...
[19:06] Jyushi
    Toughen up, men! Walk! Walk!
[19:18] All
    Wow, this is amazing!
[19:21] Choro
    It's so pretty! This feels great!
[19:23] Ichi
    The air's so different up here.
[19:25] Kara
    Yeah, it's just so refreshing.
[19:27] Todo
    Wanna take a photo?
[19:29] All
    Sheeeh!
[19:34] Ichi
    It's good.
[19:36] Jyushi
    Yum!
[19:42] Kara
    Uh, hey.
[19:44] Kara
    Hey, now.
[19:45] Kara
    Hey!
[20:13] Oso
    Man, that was satisfying.
[20:15] Ichi
    Okay, let's go home.
[20:17] Choro
    Wait, wait, wait.
[20:18] Choro
    We need to pay our respects!
    We're going to Yakuo-in!
[20:35] Oso
    Damn it, again?
[20:38] Jyushi
    It's pretty long...
[20:43] All
    Hey!
[20:45] Oso
    No fair using a truck! Get off, damn it!
[20:46] Jyushi
    You cheaters!
[20:49] Ichi
    Nope. I'm done.
[20:51] kara
    Let's give up.
[20:52] Oso
    This is far enough.
[20:54] Kara
    Let's go home.
[20:55] Ichi
    We can't...
[20:58] Choro
    We were always like this.
[21:01] Choro
    Whenever we started something,
    we'd immediately make excuses, run away,
[21:05] Choro
    and never accomplish anything.
[21:09] Choro
    But this time was different.
[21:12] Choro
    We didn't want to give up.
[21:14] Choro
    We felt like if we reached our goal,
    something inside us would change.
[21:20] Choro
    Yes...
[21:21] Choro
    In order to fight against the
[21:23] Choro
    shitty routine that would
    come for us again tomorrow.
[21:26] Choro
    We didn't want to give up.
[21:37] Choro
    And then...
[21:39] Choro
    We finally made it.
[21:42] Choro
    We finally did it.
[21:45] Choro
    It may be trivial,
[21:47] Choro
    but we pulled through.
[21:50] Choro
    Even we can do this.
[21:53] Choro
    Or so we thought...
[21:57] Choro
    But this was all...
SIGN    End
[21:59] Choro
    an illusion.
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:34] Jyushi
    Jyushimatsu here!
[23:36] Jyushi
    In the next episode of Mr. Osomatsu, 
    we're going to try to do chores!
[23:40] Jyushi
    Chores from above, chores from below.
[23:43] Jyushi
    Chores from the right, chores from the left.
[23:46] Jyushi
    I wanna know what chores everyone's good at.
SIGN    "Let's Do Chores"  etc.
[23:49] Jyushi
    I don't wanna know what
    chores everyone's good at.

E9 - Let's Do Chores
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "Sheeeh"
[01:40] Ichi
    Ron.
[01:42] Ichi
    12,000.
[01:43] Oso
    Sheeeh!
[01:44] Kara
    Damn, that's a lot!
[01:50] Todo
    Boo!
[01:51] Choro
    Sheeeh!
[01:52] Choro
    Stop that! I almost had a heart attack.
[01:55] Todo
    That was awesome!
[01:57] Shake
    I wonder what "sheeeh" is.
[01:59] Ume
    I wonder.
[02:03] Jyushi
    Huh? You want me to explain
    what "sheeeh" is?
[02:07] Shake
    Yes. We do not know what "sheeeh" is.
[02:10] Ume
    We do not.
[02:15] Jyushi
    We should ask its creator, then.
[02:18] Both
    Creator?
[02:20] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[02:22] Iyami
    Y-Y-You don't know what "sheeeh" is?
[02:28] Iyami
    You don't know what "sheeeh" is?
[02:31] Iyami
    You're telling me you don't
    know what "sheeeh" is?!
[02:36] Jyushi
    Whoa! Iyami, are you okay?
[02:39] Jyushi
    D-Don't take it personally.
[02:40] Jyushi
    They just popped up recently, so it's not
    surprising they don't know what it is.
[02:46] Iyami
    Hmph.
[02:52] Jyushi
    A scrapbook! You actually made one?
[02:56] Shake
    Is "sheeeh" widely known, then?
[02:58] Ume
    Is it that famous?
[03:01] Iyami
    Of course it is!
[03:02] Jyushi
    Calm down, Iyami.
[03:04] iyami
    "Sheeeh" is legendary gag from the Showa
    Era created by me, a star comedian.
[03:09] Iyami
    Back in the day, everyone mimicked it!
[03:12] Iyami
    The original Osomatsu-kun wouldn't 
    have been popular without it!
[03:15] Iyami
    Which means Akatsuka Fujio-chan
    would've gone hungry, too!
[03:19] Iyami
    The stupid sextuplets
    wouldn't have been famous,
[03:21] Iyami
    and the anime wouldn't be
    airing again in the Reiwa Era!
[03:23] Iyami
    Studio Pierrot would've gone bankrupt,
[03:24] Iyami
    and you new characters
    never would've shown up!
[03:27] Iyami
    "Sheeeh" is the start of everything!
[03:29] Iyami
    How dare you be in this series
    without knowing that?!
[03:33] Jyushi
    Calm down, Iyami.
[03:35] Shake
    Understood.
[03:36] Ume
    Understood.
[03:38] Shake
    But I don't think "famous" is
    the correct way to describe it.
[03:42] Ume
    I don't believe it is.
[03:44] Iyami
    Hmm?
[03:45] Jyushi
    Uh, hey...
[03:46] Shake
    For example, we're from the Reiwa
    Era and we'd never heard of it.
[03:50] Shake
    It would appear that this is something
    from more than sixty years ago.
[03:55] Ume
    Therefore, it would be hard to believe
[03:57] Ume
    something so old would be so
    well-known in the present.
[04:01] Ume
    I'd say the level of recognition is 4.
[04:03] Shake
    Which would mean that "it used
    to be famous" is a better way
[04:06] Shake
    to describe it than "it is famous."
[04:08] Both
    "Sheeeh" is a thing from the past
    that is now just an awkward gag.
[04:11] Both
    We believe that this is more accurate.
[04:19] Iyami
    What agency do they belong to?
[04:22] Iyami
    How long have they been in the business?
[04:24] Iyami
    They're newbies still in their first year, right?
[04:27] Iyami
    You're gonna let them talk
    to a veteran like that?
[04:30] Iyami
    They didn't even come greet
    me before the show started.
[04:34] Iyami
    Me could see that they never work in
    this business again if me wanted to.
[04:37] Iyami
    Are they those 7th-generation
    comedians I keep hearing about?
[04:41] Iyami
    This is what happens when you don't
    properly teach these young'uns.
[04:49] Jyushi
    So... let's respect our elders.
[04:52] Jyushi
    That was a bit rude.
[04:54] Shake
    Apparently, we were rude,
    so we humbly apologize.
[04:58] Ume
    We apologize.
[05:00] Iyami
    As long as you understand.
[05:02] Iyami
    If you want to make a living off of a gag anime,
    you need to know more legendary gags.
[05:09] Shake
    Gag?
[05:10] Ume
    Gag.
[05:11] Shake
    I don't believe that's the correct
    way to describe that, either.
[05:14] Ume
    I don't think so, either.
[05:15] Jyushi
    Uh, hey!
SIGN    A short phrase or action inserted  in the course of a conversation  or activity that has nothing  to do with whatever is going on  and brings about laughter.  Also known as a joke or a quip.
[05:17] Shake
    A gag is a humorous saying or
    action that makes people laugh.
[05:24] Ume
    But the expectation value
SIGN    Current expectation value for  someone in the present laughing at "Sheeeh"
[05:25] Ume
    that someone in present times
    will laugh at "sheeeh" is 0.1%.
[05:29] Shake
    For example, if you were to enter a comedy
    competition with "sheeeh" as your weapon,
[05:32] Shake
    is it possible for you to become a finalist?
[05:35] Ume
    It is not. The farthest you'd
    get is the second round.
[05:37] Shake
    It's not funny. Meaning it doesn't
    mean the requirements for a gag.
[05:40] Ume
    Is there a reason for unfunny lines
    or actions from the Showa Era
[05:43] Ume
    to exist in the Reiwa Era?
[05:46] Both
    Is there any possibility of winning?
    What do you think?
[05:52] Iyami
    What agency do they belong to?
[05:55] Iyami
    How long have they been in the business?
[05:57] Iyami
    If they were my students, me would've
    beaten them to a pulp already.
SIGN    Junmai Ginjo Sake 
    Shie
[06:02] Iyami
    Leave.
[06:03] Shake
    Please!
[06:04] Ume
    Please!
[06:06] Shake
    We'd like to know more about "sheeeh."
[06:09] Shake
    The sextuplets always seem
    to have fun using it,
[06:12] Shake
    but we AI don't understand it.
[06:15] Ume
    Don't go back inside. We'd like to
    understand "sheeeh" a little bit more.
[06:20] Both
    Please teach us the way
    of the sheeeh, master.
[06:23] Jyushi
    R-Riceballs...
[06:43] Iyami
    What do you think you're doing?
    Get over here already.
[06:46] Iyami
    Me will teach you.
[06:48] Jyushi
    Iyami, are you sure?
[06:50] Iyami
    It's part of a veteran's job to
    make sure our legacies live on.
[06:54] Iyami
    And...
[06:56] Iyami
    Look at this pathetic
    world we're in right now.
[06:59] Iyami
    We will need powerful gags soon,
[07:02] Iyami
    and me wants to hand those off
    to the younger generation.
[07:06] Jyushi
    I-Iyami!
[07:10] Iyami
    This is special.
[07:12] Iyami
    This is the one and only original sheeeh!
[07:18] Iyami
    What's the holdup? Just do what I do!
[07:22] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[07:23] Riceballs
    Sh-Sheeeh!
[07:25] Iyami
    Too soft! Sheeeh!
[07:27] Riceballs
    Sheeeh!
[07:28] Iyami
    It needs more oomph!
[07:29] Iyami
    The raised arm needs to be as straight
    as possible, bending just your wrist.
[07:33] Iyami
    The lower arm should be parallel
    to the ground, like this.
[07:36] Iyami
    Like this! This!
[07:38] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[07:39] Riceballs
    Sheeeh!
[07:40] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[07:41] Riceballs
    Sheeeh!
[07:42] Iyami
    Sheeeh! Sheeeh! Sheeeh!
[07:46] Iyami
    Sh-Sheeeh! Sh-Sheeeh!
[07:48] Iyami
    Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh...
[07:50] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[07:57] Iyami
    This is the power of a true legend.
[07:59] Shake
    Excuse me.
[08:01] Shake
    It's not that we actually 
    want to do "sheeeh."
[08:04] Ume
    It's not.
[08:11] Shake
    We want you to explain
    to us what "sheeeh" is.
[08:15] Shake
    What exactly is the true nature of "sheeeh"?
[08:18] Iyami
    T...
[08:19] Iyami
    True nature?
[08:21] Ume
    What exactly is the meaning of sheeeh?
[08:23] Iyami
    M-Meaning?
[08:24] Shake
    Why does this gag exist?
[08:27] Ume
    Why exactly do you do it?
[08:29] Shake
    What is the cause-and-effect
    relationship between raising
[08:32] Shake
    your foot and angling your arms?
[08:33] Ume
    What's so funny about
    this in the first place?
[08:36] Shake
    What does it mean to be funny?
[08:38] Ume
    What's the point of this gag?
[08:39] Shake
    What's the point of "sheeeh"?
[08:40] Riceballs
    Why does it exist in this world?
[08:44] Iyami
    Sh-Sheeeh is...
[08:48] Iyami
    Sh-Sheh... Huh? M-Me is overthinking
    it now and me doesn't know...
[08:55] Iyami
    Is this it?
[08:57] Iyami
    How did me do it all this time? Sheh?!
[09:00] Iyami
    Sheps?!
[09:11] Riceballs
    We're done now.
[09:12] Jyushi
    Huh? Oh, you're done?
[09:15] Riceballs
    Sheeeh!
[09:18] Jyushi
    It's still not as sharp as it could be.
[09:20] Jyushi
    But thank goodness you got
    the master to teach you.
[09:24] Jyushi
    Hey, where's Iyami?
[09:29] Sign
    Me has left on a journey
    Please don't search for me
    Iyami
[09:29] Iyami
    Me has left on a journey.
    Please don't search for me.
[09:32] Jyushi
    What?! Why?!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Totonya's
SIGN    Shorts Series
[09:38] Toto
    Totonya's...
[09:39] Nya
    ...Shorts Series!
SIGN    Outfit
[09:41] Both
    Outfit!
SIGN    No Smoking
[09:49] Toto
    I just don't get it.
[09:51] Toto
    How are you more popular than me?
[09:54] Toto
    I'm definitely cuter,
    I'm a better singer and dancer,
[09:58] Toto
    my personality rules,
    and I'm basically perfect.
[10:01] Toto
    It just doesn't make sense.
    What should I do?
[10:06] Nya
    Why don't you quit the fish thing?
[10:09] Nya
    No one likes a fish idol.
    There's no demand for one.
[10:20] Nya
    Quit being a fish!
[10:26] Nyaa
    If you want to be popular...
[10:28] Nyaa
    Quit being a fish!
[10:35] Nyaa
    Why are you so obsessed with this thing?!
[10:40] Nyaa
    See?! You're way cuter this way,
    and you'll be way more popular...
[11:07] Nyaa
    How many of these do you have?!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Let's Do Chores"
[11:16] Birbs
    Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp,
    chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp...
[11:20] Birbs
    Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp,
    chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp...
[11:24] Birbs
    Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp,
    chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp...
[11:40] ---
    Neighborhood
    Bulletin
[11:56] Oso
    Hey, Mom.
[11:58] Mom
    What?
[11:59] Oso
    The salmon was a bit burnt.
    Be more careful next time.
[12:02] Kara
    We're counting on you, Mommy.
[12:03] Todo
    And could you make the fried
    eggs a little runnier next time?
[12:06] Jyushi
    I think the food the Riceballs made
    for us the other day was better.
[12:10] Choro
    True. Mom, why don't you learn
    how to cook from the AI?
[12:15] Oso
    Huh?
[12:19] All
    Huh?
[12:21] Oso
    M-Mom?
[12:23] Mom
    I'm not doing chores anymore.
[12:25] All
    What?!
[12:26] Mom
    I won't be cooking, or cleaning, or doing laundry.
[12:30] Mom
    You can all do those on your own now.
[12:33] All
    Mom?!
[12:36] Kara
    H-Hey... What are we going to do about this?
[12:39] Jyushi
    This happened because you said
    something so awful, Osomatsu-niisan.
[12:42] Oso
    Hey, what you said was worse!
[12:44] Choro
    Wh-What should we do from now on?
[12:48] Todo
    Let's do the chores for today.
[12:52] All
    Huh?
[12:52] Oso
    Come on, now. No way.
[12:54] Todo
    We were mean to Mom,
    so it'll be punishment for that.
[12:57] Oso
    Nope, nope, nope.
[12:58] Todo
    At least, that's what it'll look like.
[13:02] Todo
    But really, if we don't get
    Mom back in a good mood now,
[13:05] Todo
    our survival as NEETs may be in danger.
[13:11] Oso
    Let's do those chores!
[13:12] Kara
    Yes, right now!
[13:18] Oso
    Fanks!
[13:20] Choro
    Hey!
[13:21] Choro
    Don't just throw them in there inside-out.
[13:24] Choro
    It's a pain to have to reverse them.
[13:27] Oso
    Huh? But isn't it better
    if they're inside-out?
[13:31] Oso
    I mean, it's the inside that stinks
    and soaks up all the sweat.
[13:36] Oso
    That goes for underwear, too.
    The side that your dick touched is dirty.
[13:40] Oso
    So what's wrong with throwing
    them in there like that?
[13:44] Oso
    What? You gonna tell me I'm wrong?
[13:51] Choro
    I'll go ahead and wash that
    smug heart for you, as well.
[14:07] Ichi
    Wee-ooh!
[14:10] Ichi
    The vacuum cleaner is an ambulance!
[14:12] Ichi
    If you hear it coming, move out of the way!
[14:14] Ichi
    The vacuum cleaner is an ambulance!
[14:19] Kara
    Th-The grill... is so hard to clean.
[14:23] Kara
    Hey, you guys! We're never eating grilled
    fish in this household ever again!
[14:28] Kara
    Got it?!
[14:30] Choro
    Hey.
[14:32] Choro
    Man, why couldn't the Riceballs
    be around at a time like this?
[14:37] Ichi
    #$^%(@ the toilet seat $@#(%!
[14:39] Ichi
    The toilet seat! #$^%(@
    the toilet seat $@#(%!
[14:40] Choro
    What? I have no idea what you're saying!
[14:42] Choro
    Calm down, Ichimatsu!
[14:44] Ichi
    Put the toilet seat down,
    sit, and take a piss.
[14:48] Ichi
    You're gonna get your filth everywhere!
[14:51] Choro
    What? It's not gonna get everywhere.
[14:54] Ichi
    You try cleaning it.
    You'll see how much it gets around.
[14:58] Ichi
    Now clean it. Clean it yourself.
    Come on, come on, come on, come on.
[15:08] Choro
    Let's put the toilet seat
    down and sit before peeing.
[15:19] Both
    #$^%(@ the toilet seat $@#(%!
[15:20] Oso
    Huh?! What?!
[15:24] Todo
    Bath towels dry quicker if
    you hang them up diagonally.
[15:28] Todo
    That's what it says on the internet.
[15:33] Todo
    The best thing for stains
    in carpets is vinegar.
[15:37] Todo
    You should be using baking
    soda for oil stains!
[15:40] Todo
    Use mandarin peels to get rid
    of smells in the microwave!
[15:42] Todo
    You'll get less pilling on sweaters
    if you turn them inside-out.
[15:46] Todo
    To get rid of water scale,
    use salt and grapefruit...
[15:53] Ichi
    Chores aren't gonna get done with
    internet wisdom alone, dumbass!
[15:56] Kara
    Move your body!
[15:58] Jyushi
    You moron!
[16:03] Todo
    Oh, God! It's gonna rip off!
[16:09] Ichi
    Hey.
[16:10] Ichi
    What are we going to do
    about dinner tonight?
[16:13] Choro
    Oh, good point.
[16:17] Oso
    Are you going shopping?
[16:18] Ichi
    Yeah. I'm gonna go to the supermarket.
[16:20] Oso
    What about money?
[16:21] Ichi
    Mom gave me some.
[16:22] Oso
    Oh, really? GLHF.
[16:25] Ichi
    You're coming with me.
[16:27] Ichi
    You're the only one who
    hasn't done anything yet.
[16:29] Ichi
    I'm onto you.
[16:32] Jyushi
    GLHF.
[16:51] Todo
    I can't... fold... long-sleeved T-shirts!
[16:55] Todo
    I want to murder something!
[17:01] Kara
    Whew, good grief. I'm finally done.
[17:09] Kara
    Heh... Finished.
[17:19] Kara
    I-It's neverending...
[17:21] Kara
    What's going on?
[17:23] Kara
    Could it be that I'm washing dishes
    only to produce more dishes to wash?!
SIGN    Akatsuka
     Mart
[17:35] Oso
    Hey, look, Ichimatsu.
SIGN    As Advertised
SIGN    Bankun
SIGN    As Advertised
SIGN    Schau Rassen
[17:37] Oso
    I never knew wieners cost so much.
[17:41] Ichi
    I had no idea.
[17:43] Ichi
    I guess that's why we only get
    to eat them every now and then.
SIGN    Miso, Dashi
SIGN    Dried Food, Nori
[17:48] Oso
    Hey, look, Ichimatsu.
[17:50] Oso
    Roasted nori's so expensive!
SIGN    Roasted  Nori
SIGN    Seasonal Item
SIGN    Roasted Nori
[17:51] Oso
    I never knew roasted nori cost so much.
[17:54] Ichi
    I had no idea.
[17:55] Ichi
    I guess that's why Mom gets mad
    at us if we just keep eating it.
[18:11] Lady
    This register's open!
[18:14] Oso
    Congrats. You ended up picking
    the line that'll take the longest.
[18:23] Ichi
    Hey! Don't just throw whatever in there!
[18:24] Ichi
    Take all that out!
[18:26] Ichi
    Seriously... Why would you put
    anything soft at the bottom?
[18:30] Ichi
    You put the solid, heavy stuff at the bottom.
[18:32] Ichi
    Like these cans or the breast meat!
[18:35] Ichi
    Got it?
[18:40] Ichi
    How in the world?
[18:41] Ichi
    Divide them so each bag
    weighs about the same.
[18:44] Ichi
    They'll be hard to carry otherwise.
[18:48] Ichi
    Hang on a second!
[18:50] Ichi
    Don't put prepared side dishes in as-is!
    You need to put them in plastic bags.
[19:02] Ichi
    The hell are you doing?
[19:08] Ichi
    What the hell are you doing?
[19:13] Choro
    So cold! The pain!
[19:29] Ichi
    They're so heavy...
[19:30] Oso
    So heavy...
[19:32] Oso
    I guess shopping is hard labor.
[19:35] Ichi
    Mom deserves to be paid.
[19:39] Oso
    Whoa.
[19:40] Oso
    Look at the time...
[19:42] Oso
    I guess it takes a while.
[19:44] Ichi
    Let's hurry home. My hands hurt.
[19:47] Oso
    Yeah.
[19:50] Ichi
    Tissue boxes and toilet paper
    are pretty cheap, today only.
SIGN    Akatsuka Drugs
[19:54] Ichi
    Should we buy some?
[19:56] Oso
    Uh, how?
[19:57] Oso
    We already have so much to carry.
[19:59] Ichi
    But it's only for today. And they're cheap.
[20:02] Oso
    Let's not. I can't carry any more.
[20:04] Ichi
    But it's today only.
[20:06] Oso
    What?
[20:09] Oso
    Should we buy some, then?
[20:11] Ichi
    But it'd be heavy.
[20:12] Oso
    But it's cheap.
[20:13] Ichi
    But it's heavy.
[20:14] Oso
    But it's cheap.
[20:14] Ichi
    But it's heavy.
[20:15] Oso
    But it's cheap.
[20:16] Both
    What to do?
[20:48] Oso
    Mom... we're done.
[20:55] Ichi
    Here's dinner.
[20:57] Ichi
    We did the cleaning and laundry, too.
[21:00] Kara
    There aren't any dishes left, either.
[21:03] Kara
    I washed the pots and pans we used, as well.
[21:06] Todo
    Sorry... about this morning!
[21:09] All
    We're sorry!
[21:12] Todo
    So... do you forgive us?
[21:20] Six
    Thank goodness!
[21:27] Dad
    I'm home.
[21:29] Six
    It's Dad!
[21:32] Dad
    You guys made all this? That's amazing.
[21:36] Jyushi
    Go on, have some!
[21:37] Choro
    Before it gets cold.
[21:39] Dad
    Nah, I'm good.
[21:41] Six
    Huh?
[21:42] Dad
    I had dinner with some work buddies
     tonight, so I don't need dinner.
[21:49] Ichi
    If you're going to eat out...
[21:52] Todo
    ...you need to...
[21:54] All
    ...call home first!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:34] Todo
    Hello!
[23:35] Todo
    Youngest brother Matsuno Todomatsu here!
[23:37] Todo
    On the next Mr. Osomatsu, 
    we have "Werewolf."
[23:40] Todo
    That's right! The game where we try to
    figure out who the nasty ol' werewolf is!
[23:46] Todo
    I wish I was playing it with girls, though.
[23:48] Todo
    Why's it gotta be with my brothers?
SIGN    "Werewolf"  etc.
[23:51] Todo
    Could someone just execute them already?

E10 - Werewolf
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Closure Notice We will be closed for a while.  We apologize for any inconvenience.  Owner
[01:37] Deka
    Social distancing, quarantine...
    Everything's closed.
SIGN    We will be closed 
    due to reasons
SIGN    We will be closed 
    for this time period
[01:42] Deka
    Everyone in town is on edge.
[01:45] Deka
    They get mad so easily.
[01:47] Hata
    It's so sad, jo.
[01:48] Chibi
    My business isn't doing that great, either,
[01:51] Chibi
    but the moment I do anything to
    draw attention to it, I get bashed.
[01:54] Chibi
    I hope something good will happen soon.
[02:01] ---
    What's that?
SIGN    Black Cat
[02:07] Chibi
    Iyami?!
[02:08] Chibi
    What the hell is he doing?
[02:18] Dayon
    Dayon!
SIGN    Black Cat
[02:32] Hata
    Jo!
[02:33] Dayon
    Dayon!
[02:46] Ann
    It's that time of year again.
    We reach the impregnable fortress.
[02:52] Ann
    ZANSU!
[02:54] Ann
    Will any of the challengers complete
    our difficult course this year?
[02:57] Ann
    Will they be able to bring life back
     to a thoroughly exhausted Japan?
[03:03] Hata
    Jo...
SIGN    Mr. Flag               Hatabou
SIGN    1st Stage
SIGN    Hatabou
[03:07] Hata
    Jo.
[03:09] Ann
    And he's down!
SIGN    Dekapan Labs           Dekapan
SIGN    Dekapan
SIGN    1st Stage
[03:18] Ann
    And he's down!
SIGN    Chibita
SIGN    Dayon
[03:29] Iyami
    Dayon! Keep calm!
[03:31] Iyami
    There's still time! Yes! That's it!
[03:40] Ann
    Goal!
[03:42] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
SIGN    Iyami
[03:44] Chibi
    Hell yeah! Way to go, Iyami!
[03:48] Guy
    We will now take fifteen
    minutes to rearrange the set.
[03:52] Iyami
    Hello? Me got through the first stage.
[03:55] Uggo
    For real? Good job!
[03:57] Iyami
    Me is about to start the second stage.
[03:59] Uggo
    Well, keep calm.
SIGN    2nd Stage
[04:17] Iyami
    Sheeeh...
[04:19] Iyami
    Sheh? Sheh, sheh, sheh, sheh! Sheeeh!
[04:23] Ann
    And he's down!
SIGN    Iyami
[04:26] Ann
    What happened, Iyami?
    How could this have happened?
[04:28] Ann
    Did he let his guard down
    at the last second?!
[04:31] Ann
    No one completes ZANSU this year.
[04:34] Ann
    Unfortunately, no one was able
    to bring life back to Japan!
[04:40] Oso
    Hold it.
[04:45] Chibi
    Wh-Who the hell?
[04:48] Iyami
    Who are they?
[04:51] Oso
    We are the ultimate sextuplets
    created by Akatsuka.
[04:54] Oso
    They call us...
[04:55] All
    F6 2020!
[04:58] Oso
    Okay, here we go, boys!
[05:00] All
    Yeah!
[05:00] Chibi
    Hey! Who the hell said
    you could participate?!
[05:03] Chibi
    Did you even register?
[05:19] Chibi
    Welp, I guess they were just for show.
[05:22] Iyami
    This isn't that easy!
[05:24] Dayon
    Go home!
[05:28] Some
    It's not over yet.
[05:33] Todo
    We're F6! And we're the best!
[05:37] Chibi
    Huh?!
[05:38] Chibi
    Why'd you get back up?
    That's cheating, you idjit!
[05:43] Todo
    Oh, no!
[05:53] Jyushi
    Are you hurt, my angel?
[05:55] Todo
    Nii-san...
[05:57] Chibi
    Cheaters! You're helping each other!
[06:08] Choro
    Ichi...
[06:08] Ichi
    Choro!
[06:09] Chibi
    Stop that!
[06:11] Choro
    Kondan Einen...
[06:12] Choro
    ...Shizai Law!
[06:18] Chibi
    Is this okay?!
[06:21] Three
    Hi-yah!
[06:33] Kara
    Hi-yah!
[06:41] Ichi
    My foot...
[06:51] Oso
    Don't forget that I'm your
    safety net, Ichimatsu.
[06:54] Ichi
    Yeah.
SIGN    F6 Jyushimatsu
[07:04] Choro
    Don't forget that I'm your stagehand.
[07:06] Jyushi
    True.
[07:08] Ann
    After showing off their brotherly
    love and amazing teamwork,
[07:11] Ann
    F6 makes it to the final event at last!
[07:19] Oso
    I-It won't go up...
[07:21] Chibi
    You can do it!
[07:22] Iyami
    You've got this!
[07:27] Oso
    Y-You guys!
[07:29] Todo
    Go, Osomatsu-niisan!
[07:31] Oso
    But...
[07:32] Jyushi
    It's okay. We'd happily sacrifice
    ourselves for you, Nii-san.
[07:36] Ichi
    Go, Osomatsu!
[07:37] Oso
    But...
[07:38] Todo
    You dummy! Osomatsu-niisan, you dummy!
[07:41] Jyushi
    We're not commoners. We're F6.
[07:44] Jyushi
    Humanity's put all of their hope in us!
[07:46] Ichi
    We can't stop here!
[07:50] Oso
    I'm sorry... my brothers!
[08:03] Oso
    You guys!
[08:04] Kara
    Go!
[08:05] Choro
    Please go.
[08:07] Oso
    But...
[08:07] Both
    You dumbass!
[08:10] Oso
    Choromatsu! Karamatsu!
[08:13] Ann
    Now... the eldest brother, Osomatsu,
    has finally gotten this far.
[08:17] Ann
    This is the last panel!
[08:21] Ann
    We've completely blown past the time limit,
[08:23] Ann
    but no one cares about that anymore.
[08:26] Oso
    I won't let your deaths be in vain.
[08:31] All
    You've got this!
[08:32] All
    Don't lose!
[08:41] Oso
    You guys!
[08:43] Kara
    Our individual strengths
    are nothing special.
[08:46] Choro
    Frankly, we are weak.
[08:49] Ichi
    That's why we waver.
    We run away and we yield.
[08:52] Jyushi
    So what should we do when
    a huge wall stands before us?
[08:56] Todo
    The answer's simple.
    We just have to work together.
[09:01] Oso
    Here we go!
[09:08] All
    F6!
[09:18] Ann
    Th-They cleared the level!
[09:22] Iyami
    They did it!
[09:26] Some
    Thank you!
[09:31] Some
    Thank you!
[09:35] Some
    Thank you, F6!
[09:36] All
    F6! F6! F6! F6! F6! F6!
[09:39] Ann
    The whole world feels better now!
SIGN    F6 Clears All Stages
[10:23] Todo
    H-He's...
[10:26] Todo
    He's been eaten!
[10:29] Todo
    These claw marks... They belong to a wolf!
[10:32] Todo
    Which must mean... there's one in this house...
SIGN    "Werewolf"
[10:36] Todo
    A werewolf!
[10:40] Todo
    Werewolves. Fearsome beasts that
    disguise themselves as humans
[10:45] Todo
    during the day to hide their true
    forms and devour humans at night...
[10:50] Todo
    And that beast is among us.
[10:53] Todo
    Who is it? Who could it be?
[10:56] Todo
    Who could be the werewolf among us?
SIGN    Wolf
[11:01] Oso
    Hey, you're not gonna have any snacks?
[11:04] Oso
    You don't want any? Why not?
SIGN    Wolf
[11:07] Oso
    You're full? Oh, I see.
[11:10] Jyushi
    Who's the werewolf?
[11:11] Todo
    Just who is the werewolf?
[11:13] Choro
    Please fess up.
[11:14] Jyushi
    Is it you?
[11:15] Todo
    Is it you?
[11:16] Choro
    Is it you?
[11:17] All
    Who is the werewolf?!
[11:21] Oso
    You okay? Not feeling well?
SIGN    Stomach Medicine
[11:24] Oso
    Aw, you ate too much last night? I see.
[11:27] Todo
    We have no other choice.
    Let's figure this out using executions!
[11:31] Oso
    Executions? Wait, how does that work?
[11:33] Todo
    We'll all vote on who we think the werewolf is
[11:35] Todo
    and execute them based on that.
[11:38] Oso
    What?! We're doing something that violent?
[11:41] Jyushi
    Well, that's how you exterminate werewolves.
[11:45] Oso
    What? Let's not.
[11:47] Oso
    I don't like executions.
[11:50] Todo
    First, let's name off our occupations.
[11:53] Todo
    The werewolf shouldn't be able
    to disclose their occupation.
[11:56] Todo
    This will weed them out.
[11:57] Todo
    Let's start with you.
[11:59] Jyushi
    I'm a villager. A villager from NEET Village.
[12:01] Todo
    What kind of dumb place is that?
    I hope it gets razed.
[12:05] Todo
    Well, whatever. Villager,
    right? I'll believe you.
[12:08] todo
    What about you?
[12:09] Oso
    I'm a villager, too!
[12:11] Jyushi
    Are you?
[12:12] Oso
    Huh?
[12:12] Jyushi
    Are you really a villager?
[12:14] Oso
    Huh? Yeah...
[12:16] Jyushi
    Seems shady to me.
[12:17] Todo
    What about you?
[12:29] Ichi
    I'm a villager, wolf.
[12:34] Ichi
    It's the truth, wolf.
[12:36] Todo
    All right. I believe you.
[12:40] Todo
    So, what's your occupation?
[12:43] Choro
    O-Of course, I'm a villager!
[12:47] Choro
    But my true occupation is traitor!
[12:50] Choro
    I'll side with the werewolf to
    further confuse these humans!
[12:55] Jyushi
    Wait, there's only one more left, right?
[12:58] Jysuhi
    And that means...
[12:59] Jyushi
    Wait, is your occupation...
[13:02] Oso
    W-Wait, is it you?
[13:06] Todo
    No, I'm not the werewolf.
[13:09] Todo
    My occupation is...
[13:12] Todo
    fortuneteller!
[13:13] Both
    Fortuneteller?
[13:14] Choro
    What?
[13:15] Todo
    A fortuneteller can find out one's
    true occupation just once per day.
[13:21] Todo
    I'm a key figure in leading
    the human side to victory!
[13:24] Both
    Holy crap!
[13:25] Oso
    Hey, tell me my fortune, then!
[13:27] Todo
    Huh?
[13:27] Jyushi
    No fair! Tell me mine, too.
[13:29] Todo
    Uh, hang on...
[13:30] Oso
    When am I gonna get a girlfriend?
[13:32] Jyushi
    Which pro baseball team's
    gonna win next year?
[13:34] Todo
    That's not what my skills are for!
[13:36] Todo
    I'm supposed to use them
    to find the werewolf!
[13:38] Todo
    You guys don't get the
    rules at all, do you?!
[13:43] Choro
    Wait just a moment.
[13:45] Choro
    I am also a fortuneteller.
[13:47] Oso
    What? There are two fortunetellers?
[13:49] Jyushi
    What's going on?
[13:51] Todo
    So you've shown yourself, imposter.
[13:54] Choro
    Werewolf, leave this to me.
[13:58] Ichi
    Who is he trying to signal to?
[14:01] Jyushi
    He keeps winking at me!
[14:03] Jyushi
    Yikes! Creepy!
[14:05] Ichi
    Hey. Hey, hey. Awoo!
[14:09] Jyushi
    Well, whatever.
    I guess I'll return the favor.
[14:13] Ichi
    Huh? Why's he winking back now?
[14:16] Ichi
    Oh, they must be close.
[14:18] Todo
    Don't let him fool you!
    He's probably the traitor!
[14:21] Todo
    I'm the real fortuneteller!
[14:24] Choro
    No, I am the fortuneteller.
[14:26] Todo
    I'm the fortuneteller!
[14:27] Choro
    I'm the fortuneteller!
[14:28] Todo
    I'm the fortuneteller!
[14:29] Jyushi
    I'm the fortuneteller, too, then!
[14:31] Todo
    Huh?
[14:31] Oso
    I'm the fortuneteller, too!
[14:33] Todo
    Huh?!
[14:33] Choro
    Fortuneteller!
[14:34] Jyushi
    Fortuneteller!
[14:34] Oso
    Fortuneteller!
[14:35] Todo
    Fortuneteller!
[14:36] All
    Please, go ahead.
[14:38] Todo
    Wait, what are we doing?
[14:40] Todo
    This isn't how the game works!
[14:41] Todo
    Jeez! I'm the fortuneteller!
[14:44] Choro
    Fortuneteller!
[14:45] Jyushi
    Fortuneteller!
[14:45] Oso
    Fortuneteller!
[14:46] Todo
    Fortuneteller!
[14:47] All
    Please, go ahead.
[14:48] Todo
    Stop! Take this seriously!
[14:50] Todo
    You two have nothing to do with this!
    Why do you keep butting in?!
[14:53] Todo
    Fine! I don't care!
[14:55] Todo
    If we can't find the werewolf
    before night falls,
[14:57] Todo
    we're going to be killed!
[14:59] Oso
    Killed?
[15:00] Jyushi
    What do you mean?
[15:02] Todo
    The werewolf turns back into a
    wolf and eats humans at night.
[15:06] Both
    What?!
[15:08] Todo
    You two are way too clueless. Go home.
[15:10] Choro
    You there, stop lying.
[15:12] Todo
    You're the one who's lying.
[15:13] Todo
    It's fine. I just have to give my
    reading, and we'll know the truth.
[15:17] Todo
    Hey, crystal ball.
[15:19] Todo
    What's this guy's true identity?
[15:24] Todo
    I knew it! He's on the werewolf's side!
[15:27] Choro
    I-I'm not! He's the traitor!
[15:30] Choro
    He's just acting like a fortuneteller to
    get rid of me, the real fortuneteller!
[15:36] Oso
    Huh?
[15:38] Oso
    What's that mean? This is confusing.
[15:39] ---
    I'm saying—
[15:40] Todo
    It's the traitor's job to confuse
    everyone! I'm the fortuneteller!
[15:44] Oso
    Huh?
[15:45] Oso
    We're trying to find the werewolf, right?
    Who cares who the fortuneteller is?
[15:49] Both
    Again, the fortuneteller is the
    one who can find the werewolf!
[15:53] Oso
    What are you guys talking about?
[15:53] Todo
    Why don't you get it?
[15:54] Todo
    The fortuneteller is super important!
[15:55] Choro
    You need the fortuneteller
    to figure out the werewolf!
[16:01] Both
    We're not getting through to him at all.
[16:04] Jyushi
    Damn it. Who am I supposed to believe here?
[16:07] Jyushi
    Oh, I know.
[16:09] Jyushi
    Hey, who do you think we should execute?
[16:13] Jyushi
    Pick someone.
[16:15] Jyushi
    Pretty please.
[16:16] Ichi
    In that case...
[16:18] Todo
    Huh?!
[16:18] Ichi
    We should execute that fortuneteller, wolf.
[16:21] Jyushi
    Okay!
[16:22] Todo
    What?!
[16:23] Jyushi
    Fortuneteller! You're the one who's gonna die!
[16:26] Todo
    You totally admitted that
    I'm the fortuneteller! Why?!
[16:28] Choro
    Quit struggling!
[16:29] Todo
    Let go of me!
[16:30] Todo
    I said let go of me!
[16:31] Oso
    H-Hey...
[16:33] Oso
    Let's stop this!
[16:34] ---
    Stop it!
[16:36] Oso
    Please?
[16:38] Jyushi
    Die!
[16:40] Oso
    Stop this right now!
[16:44] Choro
    Why did you stop us?
[16:45] Jyushi
    I knew it! He's been suspicious
    right from the start!
[16:49] Todo
    What? Don't tell me—
[16:51] Jyushi
    Who are you?!
[16:52] Jyushi
    Tell us your true occupation!
[16:57] Oso
    Guess the cat's out of the bag.
[17:00] Oso
    My true occupation is...
[17:05] Oso
    The Calming Detective, Osomatsu!
[17:09] Oso
    Man, it's been so long! What, five years now?
[17:13] Jyushi
    Wh-Wh-Who are you? No, really, who are you?
[17:16] Oso
    The Calming Detective.
[17:17] Jyushi
    You're not a villager?
[17:19] Oso
    Nope.
[17:19] Todo
    You're a detective?
[17:20] Oso
    Yup! You're forgetting the
    "calming" part, though.
[17:23] Oso
    Man, it's been so long, you guys!
[17:25] Todo
    Uh, we don't know you! Who the hell are you?
[17:27] Choro
    The Calming Detective...
    I've heard of him before.
[17:30] Todo
    Huh?
[17:31] Choro
    The number of cases he's
    investigated so far exceeds 2,000.
[17:34] Todo
    That many?!
[17:35] Choro
    But he hasn't solved a single mystery.
[17:37] Todo
    Huh?!
[17:39] Choro
    He has one role and one role alone...
[17:41] Choro
    While we're all on edge trying to figure
    out who the suspect is at a murder scene,
[17:47] Choro
    he tries to calm the atmosphere.
[17:48] Choro
    That's the Calming Detective!
[17:50] Todo
    So he's completely useless!
[17:52] Choro
    See, look! He's about to work his magic now.
[17:56] Oso
    Come on. Let's stop looking for the suspect.
[17:59] Oso
    You're ruining the mood.
[18:00] Jyushi
    Huh?! How?! There's a werewolf here!
[18:03] Oso
    Well, that just happens in life.
[18:05] Jyushi
    Huh?!
[18:06] Oso
    Okay, okay. Where's the victim's body, then?
[18:10] Oso
    Take me there. I'll investigate the scene.
[18:12] Oso
    I am a detective, after all.
[18:14] Ichi
    Over here, wolf.
[18:15] Oso
    Thanks!
[18:23] Todo
    Well? Did you figure anything out?
[18:28] Todo
    What are you doing? Investigate already.
[18:30] Oso
    Wow, look! Ants!
    Look at them go! Great job!
[18:39] Oso
    Pubes.
[18:42] Oso
    Hey! Whose pubes are these?!
    Hey! Whose are they?
[18:46] Jyushi
    Stop! They're not mine!
[18:47] Choro
    So embarrassing!
[18:51] ---
    Hey, whose are they?
[18:53] Oso
    Let me take a closer look!
[18:55] Todo
    Don't look for the owner of the pubes!
    Look for the damn werewolf!
[18:57] Oso
    Hey, Mr. Inspector!
[18:59] Todo
    I'm not an inspector. I'm a fortuneteller.
[19:01] Oso
    Inspector!
[19:02] Todo
    Are you even listening?
[19:04] Oso
    I have solved this case!
[19:06] Todo
    Liar.
[19:09] Oso
    The true identity of the werewolf...
[19:30] Todo
    Too long.
[19:38] Todo
    Too long!
[19:43] Todo
    That's long enough!
[19:54] Todo
    Seriously, what the hell are you doing?!
[19:59] Choro
    This is so calming!
[20:00] Ichi
    So calming, wolf!
SIGN    Karamatsu's 
    Grave
[20:58] Jyushi
    Man, this is amazing.
[21:00] Jyushi
    I'm so calm right now.
[21:02] Jyushi
    Who cares about the werewolf anymore?
[21:04] Todo
    Execution is bad. I apologize.
[21:07] Choro
    Hey, real fortuneteller.
[21:09] Choro
    Have you had the gibier yet?
    It'll all be gone soon.
[21:12] Todo
    Traitor...
[21:14] Ichi
    Here, have some beer.
[21:15] Todo
    Werewolf...
[21:17] Todo
    I can't believe this was all
    resolved so peacefully.
[21:20] Todo
    The Calming Detective is pretty amazing.
[21:24] Oso
    There we go.
[21:26] Oso
    Well, I should get going.
    Invite me again sometime.
[21:29] Todo
    Oh, you're leaving already?
[21:31] Oso
    Yup, I've got my part-time job. See ya.
[21:34] Jyushi
    Thanks!
[21:34] Choro
    Yeah, thanks.
[21:35] Ichi
    You're a lifesaver.
[21:40] Jyushi
    Well, let's go stuff ourselves with food.
[21:43] All
    Yay!
[21:46] Choro
    Hey, wolf...
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:34] Oso
    Oh, hey. It's me, Osomatsu.
[23:36] Oso
    Next time on Mr. Osomatsu, it's "Pizza."
[23:39] Oso
    Yeah, I wanna be reborn into a
    world where a virgin NEET can get
[23:42] Oso
    super popular just by eating
    pizza and drinking beer.
[23:44] Oso
    So that's what the next
    episode will be about.
[23:46] Oso
    Wait, it's not?
[23:48] Oso
    I didn't do the preview properly?
SIGN    "Pizza"  etc.
[23:51] Oso
    But you know... that's nothing new.

E11 - Pizza
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "Do It"
[01:38] Oso
    I'm cold. I'm tired.
[01:40] Oso
    Karamatsu, are we going to make it in time?
[01:42] Kara
    We should probably hurry a bit.
SIGN    New  Machines!!
SIGN    Open at  10:00 Today
[01:44] Kara
    The place opens at 10.
[01:46] Oso
    Man, NEET life sure is busy.
[01:51] Oso
    So...
[01:52] Oso
    Why are they coming with us?
[01:53] Both
    Sheeeh!
[01:55] Oso
    They keep doing that lately. What's with that?
[01:58] Kara
    They say they want to
    understand "sheeeh" better.
[02:00] Both
    Sheeeh!
[02:00] Oso
    Huh?
[02:00] Kara
    But they keep getting the timing
    and the technique wrong.
[02:04] Shake
    Can we ask you a question,
    Shitty Eldest Brother?
[02:07] Oso
    Don't call me that.
[02:09] Shake
    When are you supposed to use "sheeeh"?
[02:11] Oso
    Huh? How the hell should I know?
[02:13] Oso
    You just sorta do it.
[02:14] Kara
    Hmm...
[02:16] Kara
    Maybe it's when we're surprised.
[02:18] Both
    Surprised?
[02:18] Oso
    Nah, these guys are emotionless morons.
    They wouldn't understand that.
[02:22] Kara
    I see. In that case...
[02:24] Kara
    When something unexpected happens.
[02:27] Both
    Something unexpected?
[02:31] Both
    We have adjusted our algorithm.
[02:33] Ume
    By the way, why do you use "sheeeh"?
[02:36] Kara
    Why?! Huh?!
[02:37] Kara
    Um...
[02:39] Kara
    Well... because it's funny, I guess?
[02:42] Ume
    How would you describe "funny"?
[02:45] Oso
    Oh, shut up. Stop making us use our
    brains this early in the morning.
[02:48] Oso
    This is why you AI suck.
[02:51] Kara
    Osomatsu...
[02:54] Oso
    Riceballs.
[02:56] Oso
    Ta-da!
[02:58] Kara
    Sheeeh!
[03:00] Shake
    You mustn't strip naked in public!
[03:02] Ume
    It's indecent exposure!
[03:03] Oso
    No, do it!
[03:04] Kara
    This is when you use "sheeeh"!
[03:12] Kara
    Hey, it's Totoko-chan.
[03:14] Oso
    You're right. She's so cute.
[03:17] Toto
    Oh?
[03:19] Toto
    What are you doing, Osomatsu-kun
    and Karamatsu-kun?
[03:22] Kara
    Well, uh...
[03:23] Oso
    We're headed to pachinko.
[03:25] Toto
    Ah...
[03:26] Oso
    What are you up to?
[03:27] Toto
    Dance practice.
[03:29] Kara
    R-Really? Well, do your best!
[03:32] Toto
    Say, you two.
[03:33] Toto
    You showed up at the perfect time.
    I have a favor to ask.
[03:37] Oso
    Huh?
[03:40] Kara
    Huh?!
[03:41] Kara
    Y-You want to hear your value
    as an idol... one more time?
[03:46] Toto
    Yup!
[03:47] Toto
    Because last time, they were too
    nervous after meeting my cute self.
[03:51] Toto
    I think that's probably why they
    gave me such a weird score.
[03:55] Toto
    So I wanted to get the right score this time.
[03:59] Kara
    Yeah, but... you know...
[04:01] Kara
    Right?
[04:03] Oso
    I don't see why not.
[04:04] Kara
    Hey! You fool!
[04:06] Toto
    Please!
[04:09] Toto
    I want to know.
[04:12] Kara
    Totoko-chan...
[04:15] Kara
    I see.
[04:17] Kara
    So your idol career isn't going very well...
[04:21] Totoko
    Yeah... I'm not popular at all.
[04:25] Totoko
    I don't even stand a chance
    against my super uggo partner.
[04:28] Totoko
    Does no one want to see a fish idol?
[04:31] Kara
    That's not true! You're super cute!
[04:34] Kara
    And fish are super healthy.
[04:36] Kara
    You can prepare them all sorts of ways!
[04:37] Oso
    Huh?
[04:38] Shake
    May we do the "sheeeh" now?
[04:40] Ume
    May we do the "sheeeh" now?
[04:41] Oso
    No, no, no, absolutely not!
[04:44] Oso
    You can't do it when
    things are this serious!
[04:47] Oso
    I mean, it is pretty unexpected to see
    Totoko-chan lose confidence like this...
[04:52] Oso
    But she'll lose her shit
    if you do that right now.
[04:55] Oso
    Just keep quiet!
[04:58] Oso
    Pieces of junk...
[05:02] Toto
    Maybe I'm not that cute after all.
[05:05] Rice
    Shee—
[05:08] Oso
    What the hell are you doing?!
[05:12] Both
    Ow.
[05:12] Oso
    That was absolutely not the time to do that!
[05:15] Shake
    But Yowai-san being so insecure...
[05:18] Ume
    ...is completely unexpected.
[05:21] Oso
    No. You're not reading the room.
[05:27] Toto
    Okay, I'm counting on you.
    Give me my correct value as an idol.
[05:32] Both
    As you wish. We will determine
    your estimated value.
[05:40] Shake
    The results are in.
[05:41] Ume
    Your estimated value...
[05:54] Both
    ...is 100!
[05:59] Oso
    Okay, excuse us for just one moment!
[06:02] Oso
    What the hell are you two doing?!
[06:04] Both
    Ow.
[06:04] Oso
    How did she suddenly get 100?
[06:06] Both
    We tried reading the room.
[06:08] Oso
    That's all wrong. She wants
    an accurate value right now.
[06:12] Oso
    This wasn't the time to flatter her.
[06:17] Toto
    It's my fault, isn't it?
[06:20] Toto
    Because I flip out when
    you give me a low score.
[06:23] Toto
    But today, I really want to know my real score.
[06:28] Toto
    I promise I won't get mad. Really!
[06:32] Oso
    Totoko-chan...
[06:35] Both
    The results are in!
[06:36] shake
    Your estimated value...
[06:38] ume
    ...is 2.
[06:45] Oso
    Uh... she's pretty pissed, isn't she?
[06:47] Kara
    W-Will they be okay?
[06:50] Both
    Totoko-chan?!
[06:55] Toto
    How about now?
[06:56] Shake
    Your estimated value...
[06:58] Ume
    ...is 1.
[07:04] Oso
    I thought she promised not to get mad?
[07:06] Kara
    Will they be okay?
[07:11] Toto
    Okay, this!
[07:12] Ume
    That's shit.
[07:21] Shake
    Old guy who sexually harasses others.
[07:22] Both
    Totoko-chan!
[07:24] Ume
    Old lady who likes to cut in line.
[07:29] Ume
    A pinch-hitter who strikes out looking.
[07:33] Ume
    A middle reliever who just
    throws four balls and leaves.
[07:40] Toto
    Okay, here's my last outfit.
[07:45] Toto
    I'm sure this won't work, though.
[08:00] Both
    The results are in!
[08:01] shake
    Your estimated value...
[08:03] ume
    ...is one million points!
SIGN    1,000,000
[08:05] Both
    Dat-dadada!
[08:10] Toto
    Huh?
[08:11] Both
    Of course!
[08:12] Kara
    Totoko-chan! That's the best!
[08:14] Shake
    Yes. There's no doubt this value is correct.
[08:18] Ume
    Cats have maintained stable
    popularity, even online,
[08:21] Ume
    and so many more people will like you
    better now that you're not a fish.
[08:24] Kara
    Man, that's great! I guess
    cats are better than fish.
[08:30] Kara
    Huh?
[08:31] Toto
    What's so wrong with fish?
    Why are cats so much better?
[08:38] Both
    Sh-Sheeeh!
[08:43] Both
    Do it!
[08:45] Both
    Shee—
[08:45] Both
    Too late!
SIGN    The Grave of  Osomatsu and  Karamatsu
[08:59] Shake
    Guess we did it again.
[09:01] Ume
    We sure did.
[09:02] Shake
    We fail as support AI.
[09:04] Ume
    We sure do.
[09:09] Both
    Ta-da!
[09:21] Both
    Do it!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Pizza"
[09:55] Choro
    Huh?
[09:56] Choro
    Pizza?
[09:57] Choro
    You're gonna order?
[09:58] Todo
    We're not ordering any.
[09:59] Choro
    Huh?
[10:00] Todo
    We're not ordering any, but we're talking
    about what we would order if we did.
[10:06] Choro
    So it's just hypothetical?
[10:07] Todo
    Yeah. Hypothetical.
[10:09] Choro
    What a total waste of time.
[10:12] Ichi
    What would you get?
[10:14] Choro
    Huh?
[10:16] Choro
    Can we order as many as we want?
[10:19] Ichi
    Let's just say two.
[10:20] Todo
    We've gotta stick to a budget.
    I mean, you're a NEET, Choromatsu-niisan.
[10:23] Choro
    So are you!
[10:26] Choro
    We're all going to eat these, right?
[10:28] Todo
    Of course.
[10:29] Choro
    Let's see... I wonder...
SIGN    Super Popular! Gluttonous 4
    Enjoy 4 kinds of pizzas in one!!
SIGN    Now even  thicker!
[10:33] Choro
    Hey, maybe this one. The Gluttonous Four.
SIGN    Now even  thicker!
SIGN    Enjoy 4 kinds
     of pizza in one!!
[10:36] Choro
    We'll get the cheapest combination
    to keep the price down,
[10:39] Choro
    and we can ask for eight kinds in total,
    so that should keep everyone satisfied.
[10:43] Todo
    Well, that's boring.
[10:44] Choro
    Huh?
[10:45] Ichi
    God, you're boring, Fappymatsu-kun.
[10:47] Ichi
    How simple are you?
    That's not the point here.
[10:51] Choro
    But wait. We're all eating them, right?
[10:54] Choro
    If we get lots of different kinds,
    we're less likely to get the wrong—
[10:57] Todo
    So boring.
[10:58] Choro
    Stop saying that.
[11:00] Todo
    We're just saying what we'd get 
    if we hypothetically ordered pizza.
[11:03] Todo
    Why are you being all logical about it?
[11:05] ichi
    You have such a puny imagination.
    You'll never get big or go anywhere.
[11:10] Choro
    The hell is your problem?!
[11:11] Choro
    Why do I have to get dissed this
    much over hypothetical pizza?!
[11:15] Choro
    You know, you guys always
    make fun of me like this,
[11:18] Choro
    but it's the rest of you that are messed up!
[11:20] Choro
    I'm the most normal one
    out in the real world!
[11:23] Choro
    I'm gonna end up the happiest!
[11:24] Choro
    Morons like you can spend the rest of
    your lives eating imaginary pizza!
[11:27] Choro
    You dumbasses! You pieces of trash!
[11:29] Todo
    God, what a filthy mouth, you delinquent.
[11:32] Choro
    What the hell would you pick, then?!
[11:34] Tood
    What? I think one piece
    of pizza is enough for me.
[11:37] Todo
    They have way too many calories.
    I gotta think about my beautiful face.
[11:40] Both
    You piece of shit.
[11:41] Todo
    Huh?
[11:42] Choro
    You're just a piece of shit.
[11:43] Choro
    Stop talking about calories and your
    stupid face when we're talking about pizza!
[11:47] Ichi
    What's with you? Do you
    actually think you're popular?
[11:50] Ichi
    I'm pretty sure, no,
    positive that you're not.
[11:52] Choro
    Not to mention how he's like,
    "I'm totally in with girls. I totally get it,"
[11:57] Choro
    but it's just all talk.
    He never has anything to show for it.
[12:02] Ichi
    It's all a facade.
[12:03] Choro
    Oh, and one more thing. If you're not careful,
     guys are gonna hate you.
[12:07] Ichi
    No one wants a guy who's hated by other guys.
[12:10] Choro
    Nope.
[12:11] Both
    No one wants you.
[12:16] Choro
    Damn, you're tough.
[12:17] Ichi
    So what are we going to do about the pizza?
     Let's hurry up and decide.
SIGN    Half off 
    when you pick it up!!
[12:21] Todo
    Well, you pick.
[12:22] Ichi
    Huh?
[12:23] Choro
    You haven't said anything yet, Ichimatsu.
[12:25] Choro
    Which one would you get? Tell us.
[12:27] Ichi
    Nah, I'm good.
[12:29] Both
    Wait, wait, wait.
[12:31] Todo
    Tell us. You're not getting out of this now.
[12:34] Todo
    Why are you trying to run?
[12:36] Choro
    This guy has no problem dragging others,
[12:39] Choro
    but when the attention's on him,
    he immediately runs away.
[12:42] Todo
    Surprisingly, Ichimatsu-niisan has way
    more pride than you, Choromatsu-niisan.
[12:46] Ichi
    Shut up!
[12:47] Choro
    He's also a cocky braggart.
[12:48] Ichi
    Shut up.
[12:49] Todo
    And the most childish.
[12:50] Ichi
    Shut up.
[12:51] Choro
    A wittle babby.
[12:51] Ichi
    Shut up.
[12:52] Todo
    Maybe we should get you some
    babby fwood instead of pwizza.
[12:55] Choro
    Wittle babby boy.
[13:00] Choro
    So what crust should we get?
[13:02] Todo
    I like thin crust.
[13:04] Choro
    'Cause it lacks substance, like you?
[13:05] Todo
    Wha?
[13:06] Ichi
    I want some cola.
[13:07] Choro
    That's a waste of money! We have tea at home.
[13:10] Todo
    God, you're stingy.
[13:11] Ichi
    Boring.
[13:12] Choro
    Huh?
[13:13] Ichi
    If you're that worried about money,
SIGN    Half off 
    when you pick it up!!
[13:15] Ichi
    go pick it up. It makes it half price.
[13:19] Both
    Then you go pick it up!
[13:20] Ichi
    Huh?
[13:21] Choro
    Quit running your mouth
    and use your damn feet.
[13:25] Todo
    Wait, do I sense trouble coming?
[13:27] Ichi
    Definitely trouble.
[13:31] Choro
    Why are you so wet?
[13:33] Choro
    What were you doing?
[13:34] Jyushi
    I went for a walk.
[13:35] Choro
    In this rain?
[13:36] Jyushi
    It just started raining out of nowhere.
[13:39] Choro
    It wasn't out of nowhere.
    It's been raining all day.
[13:42] Choro
    Hey!
[13:44] Jyushi
    Whatcha doin'?
[13:45] Jyushi
    Ooh, pizza!
[13:46] Jyushi
    Are we ordering some?
[13:48] Todo
    Nope. We're just talking about what
    we'd hypothetically get if we did.
[13:52] Jyushi
    So you're delusional.
[13:53] Todo
    Not quite.
[13:54] Choro
    What would you get? We're
    getting two. We're all sharing.
[13:57] Jyushi
    What? Let's see...
[14:01] Jyushi
    I want Chinese food!
[14:03] All
    Huh?
[14:04] Ichi
    Did you hear a word we just said?
    We gave you a prompt.
[14:07] Jyushi
    A prompt?
[14:08] Ichi
    We told you to pick a pizza. If you say
    you want Chinese, what's the point?
[14:13] Choro
    You don't understand logic at all, do you?
[14:15] Choro
    You're crazy.
[14:17] Todo
    Also, why were you walking in the rain?
    You're borderline. Borderline insane.
[14:21] Ichi
    Do you realize how difficult it is for us?
[14:24] Ichi
    You'd be nothing without us.
[14:27] Ichi
    I seriously hope you realize you wouldn't
    be funny at all if we weren't here.
[14:30] Todo
    You could never be pizza,
    Jyushimatsu-niisan.
[14:33] Todo
    You're nothing more than a topping.
    Basically, we'd be fine without you.
[14:36] Jyushi
    I'll pick! I'll follow the prompt you gave me!
SIGN    Get more yeet
     for your yen!!
[14:41] Jyushi
    This pizza and this pizza!
SIGN    Super Popular! Gluttonous 4
    Enjoy 4 kinds of pizzas in one!!
[14:44] All
    You're supposed to pick Chinese!
[14:51] Oso
    Oh, pizza? We ordering some?
SIGN    Super Popular! Gluttonous 4
    Enjoy 4 kinds of pizzas in one!!
[14:54] Todo
    Nope. We're just talking about what
    we'd hypothetically get if we did.
[14:58] Oso
    Ah...
SIGN    Super Popular! Gluttonous 4
    Enjoy 4 kinds of pizzas in one!!
[14:59] Oso
    I'd pick this one, this one, and this one.
[15:02] Todo
    Oh, we're only getting two.
[15:04] Oso
    Then I'll get this one,
    this one, this one, and this one.
[15:07] Todo
    Stop ignoring the limit of two!
[15:09] Choro
    Also, the ones you picked
[15:11] Choro
    are just the ones you want to eat, aren't they?
[15:13] Oso
    Yup.
[15:14] Choro
    All six of us are going to eat them!
[15:16] Oso
    Wait, really?
[15:18] Choro
    Of course we are! God, would it
    kill you to think of us for once?
[15:21] Jyushi
    Our shitty older brother
    planned to eat them all himself.
[15:24] Oso
    But I mean, you guys would
    want the pizzas I want, too.
[15:27] All
    Why?!
[15:28] Todo
    Your outlook is so messed up!
[15:30] Ichi
    Seriously, there's
    something wrong with him.
[15:32] Choro
    Oh, what's this, Ichimatsu-kun?
[15:34] Ichi
    Do you guys remember the
    last time we ordered pizza?
[15:38] Ichi
    He sneakily takes more than the rest of us.
[15:42] Ichi
    And where it's cut in the center,
[15:44] Ichi
    if there's a shrimp or a huge glob of cheese
    or something there, he'll always take it!
[15:51] Ichi
    Like it's the obvious thing to do,
    without a shred of guilt!
[15:54] Jyushi
    On our way home from that wedding, he said,
[15:56] Jyushi
    "I don't think I could live with
     someone," out of the blue,
[15:58] Jyushi
    but it's more amazing we're
    able to live with him at all!
[16:01] Choro
    Right? No one in this world
    would want to live with him.
[16:05] Ichi
    What do you think about
    that aspect of yourself?
[16:08] Oso
    Well, you know...
[16:11] Oso
    I'm just that kind of character.
[16:12] Ichi
    I'll kill you.
[16:13] Todo
    Just so you know,
    we haven't accepted this.
[16:16] Todo
    We just have no other choice.
[16:18] Choro
    Exactly! I couldn't have
    put it better myself.
[16:19] Choro
    We don't actually
     forgive everything you do.
[16:21] Oso
    Okay, jeez. You guys are so picky.
[16:25] Oso
    I'll let it slide, though,
    since I'm the oldest.
[16:30] Oso
    Huh?
[16:31] Todo
    Never mind.
[16:32] Jyushi
    We won't expect anything.
[16:33] Choro
    Nothing.
[16:34] Oso
    Huh?
[16:36] Jyushi
    Which one are you picking,
    Karamatsu-niisan?
[16:38] Kara
    Huh?
[16:40] Kara
    You mean pizza?
[16:43] Kara
    Just pick whatever ones you want.
[16:45] Kara
    I'm fine with whatever.
[16:47] All
    Wh-Whatever?
[16:49] Oso
    Wait, what?
[16:53] Jyushi
    Hang on a sec.
[16:54] Kara
    Huh?
[16:55] Jyushi
    Have a seat.
[16:56] Jyushi
    We'll set the pizzas aside for a sec.
[16:57] Jyushi
    Let's talk about you, Karamatsu-niisan.
[16:59] All
    Yes, let's.
[17:00] Kara
    Huh?!
[17:04] Todo
    Do you really think stuff
    like that, Karamatsu-niisan?
[17:07] Todo
    You're really okay with
    whatever pizzas we pick?
[17:10] Kara
    Yes, whatever you choose,
[17:14] Kara
    I'll accept your choices, my brothers!
[17:18] Jyushi
    What do you really think, though?
[17:20] Kara
    Huh?
[17:21] Ichi
    What's going on in your head?
[17:22] Choro
    We just can't read you, Karamatsu.
[17:25] Oso
    Yeah, you're a mystery.
[17:27] Todo
    Is there really no pizza you'd want?
[17:30] Kara
    No.
[17:30] Todo
    Of course there is!
     And we want to know what it is!
[17:33] Kara
    But I don't have one!
[17:34] Jyu
    You really don't like
    letting people in, do you?
[17:37] Choro
    He seems nice, but he's actually exclusive.
[17:39] Oso
    Exclusivematsu.
[17:40] Ichi
    Exclusivematsu.
[17:44] Kara
    Okay, then, let me just say this.
SIGN    Super Popular! Gluttonous 4
    Enjoy 4 kinds of pizzas in one!!
[17:46] Kara
    This is just hypothetical, right?
[17:48] Kara
    We're not actually ordering pizza, right?
[17:50] Kara
    So what do we get from picking?
    What a pain in the ass.
[17:53] Ichi
    Wait, is that what you've
    thought this whole time?
[17:56] Kara
    Yeah.
[17:57] Kara
    I thought, "Man, they're
    talking about something dumb.
[18:00] Kara
    This sucks." That's why I tried to end it.
[18:04] Kara
    I don't want to waste any more time.
    I'm Exclusivematsu? Fine by me.
[18:08] Kara
    I'd be more than happy to be
    free from this dumbass topic.
[18:11] Jyushi
    Uh, you can go to the bathroom now...
[18:14] Kara
    It's not like I really have to go.
     I just wanted to get the hell outta here.
[18:17] Kara
    Why, you ask?
[18:18] Kara
    Because you shitheads wouldn't stop
    talking about this shitty topic
[18:21] Kara
    and kept yapping and yapping and yapping...
[18:24] Both
    Sorry, we're sorry...
[18:24] Kara
    Exclusivematsu? Go on, call me that.
[18:26] Kara
    Call me Exclusivematsu-niisan. Come on.
[18:28] ---
    We're sorry.
[18:30] Kara
    Well?
[18:32] Choro
    I guess "Exclusivematsu" was a landmine.
[18:34] Ichi
    Let's not do that again.
[18:40] Todo
    What're we gonna do?
[18:41] Choro
    About what?
[18:42] Todo
    We need to decide on the pizzas.
[18:44] Choro
    We really don't, though.
[18:50] Kara
    You know, pizza didn't exist a long time ago.
[18:53] Kara
    Didn't it suddenly appear out of nowhere?
[18:56] Oso
    True. When was that?
[18:59] Todo
    When did we first eat pizza?
[19:03] Kara
    A pizza bun from a convenience store?
[19:05] Ichi
    Might be.
[19:06] Todo
    That's true for pizza, but pasta
    sorta came out of nowhere, too.
[19:11] Todo
    It used to just be "spaghetti."
[19:12] Todo
    Then we suddenly started calling it "pasta."
[19:14] Jyushi
    True.
[19:15] Ichi
    When did we start calling it pasta?
[19:18] Ichi
    It's sorta embarrassing switching over.
[19:21] Jyushi
    "Pfft, he actually calls it pasta."
[19:24] Ichi
    Yeah, exactly that.
[19:26] Todo
    You all call it pasta now, right?
[19:28] Oso
    I still call it spaghetti.
[19:29] Todo
    No way!
[19:29] Both
    Spaghetti.
[19:30] Kara
    For real? You still haven't switched over?
[19:33] Oso
    We totally missed the opportunity.
[19:36] Ichi
    That happens, though.
    Like saying "walking" in English.
[19:39] Todo
    Or calling the past an archive?
[19:41] Jyushi
    This, too.
[19:42] Jyshi
    We used to call this "Margarita,"
    but now we say "Margherita."
SIGN    Get more yeet for your yen!!
SIGN    Experience authentic pizza! 
    Try our original flavors, too!
    
    Margherita
[19:48] Choro
    Well, it's the same with pizza.
    Now people say it like "pitza."
[19:51] All
    Yeah, no.
[19:52] Choro
    Huh?
SIGN    Experience authentic pizza!  Try our original flavors, too!
SIGN    Margherita
[19:53] Todo
    Pitza isn't right.
    Yeah, no. No one says that.
[19:56] Oso
    Man, you suck at these conversations.
[20:00] Ichi
    If you just didn't know, it'd be fine,
[20:03] Ichi
    but you always act like you
    know everything and fall flat.
[20:07] Choro
    That's fine. I believe in myself.
[20:09] Ichi
    The hell?
[20:10] Kara
    Excellent Exclusivematsu move.
[20:13] Jyushi
    So...
SIGN    Super Popular! Gluttonous 4
    Enjoy 4 kinds of pizzas in one!!
[20:14] Jyushi
    What're we gonna do about the pizzas?
[20:17] Oso
    Only two, huh? That's the hard part.
[20:22] Todo
    Man, sextuplets are a lot!
[20:25] Todo
    Seriously, what are sextuplets?
    That's messed up! So annoying!
SIGN    Matsu
[20:28] All
    It is a lot!
[20:29] Todo
    Imagine if we were just two brothers!
    We'd decide on pizza instantly!
[20:32] Todo
    And we'd be able to eat a ton of it!
[20:34] Choro
    Man, I wanna eat a whole pizza!
[20:38] Jyushi
    Same here. Talk about a dream.
[20:40] Kara
    Even our room is small.
    Why are there so many of us?
[20:43] Kara
    Someone move out already.
[20:45] Oso
    And we all look way too much alike.
[20:47] Oso
    One of you get plastic
    surgery already, jackasses.
[20:50] Ichi
    Do you guys realize how much
    I suffer, living with you all?
[20:53] Jyushi
    Wait, wait, wait, I'm
    the one who's suffering.
[20:55] Choro
    Uh, it's me.
[20:57] Todo
    Wait, wait.
[20:57] Oso
    Wait, wait.
[20:58] All
    Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
[21:00] Oso
    Todomatsu, you've got it great.
[21:03] Todo
    Huh?
[21:03] Oso
    The youngest has it the best.
[21:05] Oso
    Everyone dotes on you. Your life
    must be awesome. No worries at all.
[21:11] Todo
    Are you freakin' serious?
[21:13] Oso
    Huh?
[21:14] Todo
    Being the youngest out of us six is easy?
[21:17] Todo
    I have no troubles?
[21:19] Oso
    It must be nice. Your big bro is jelly.
[21:25] Oso
    Why?! Why are you choking me?! Todomatsu, hey!
[21:26] Todo
    You can't be serious!
[21:32] Jyushi
    We were just talking about some pizza
    we weren't gonna actually order.
[21:54] Ichi
    Hey.
SIGN    Our best delivered to you!
[21:57] Ichi
    What if we were gonna order sushi?
[21:59] Oso
    Aw, man. Sushi!
[22:02] Todo
    That's hard.
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:39] Kara
    Good... This is Karamatsu.
[23:41] Kara
    Good, good.
[23:44] Kara
    Next time on Mr. Osomatsu, 
    we've got "AI"...
[23:47] Kara
    Just like that. Yeah, just like that, AI!
SIGN    "AI"
[23:51] Kara
    See you ne— Oh, yes!

E12 - AI
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Good
SIGN    Not bad
SIGN    Normal
SIGN    Undecided
SIGN    Unsatisfied
[02:03] Shake
    Good morning.
[02:04] Ume
    Good morning.
[02:06] Shake
    Time to wake up.
[02:08] Ume
    Time to wake up.
[02:09] Both
    Time to wake up.
[02:12] Shake
    You mustn't live these
    meaningless lazy days forever.
[02:16] Shake
    No more being NEETs!
[02:18] Ume
    The first step to restoring your
    lives: basking in the sunlight.
[02:23] Oso
    Huh?
[02:24] Todo
    What?
[02:25] Jyushi
    Jeez, you're noisy.
[02:28] Choro
    You sure are early today, Riceballs.
[02:34] Jyushi
    Hey!
[02:34] Todo
    It's cold!
[02:35] Oso
    What's the big idea?!
[02:36] Both
    Time to wake up!
[02:38] Oso
    What time is it?
[02:40] Shake
    7:00 AM.
[02:41] Oso
    7:00?!
[02:43] All
    What?! You jackasses!
[02:45] Todo
    It's still sleepy time!
[02:46] Kara
    Don't underestimate NEETs!
[03:01] All
    Hey!
[03:03] Shake
    First, let's correct your days and nights.
[03:06] Shake
    At this rate, the estimated
    value of your futures is
[03:10] Shake
    no better than a dung beetle.
[03:12] Ume
    We need to properly plan out your futures
    so you don't become dung beetles.
[03:16] Oso
    Dung beetles?
[03:18] Oso
    That's not bad at all.
[03:19] Both
    What?
[03:21] Jyushi
    Isn't it amazing that they
    can roll dung around?
[03:23] Ichi
    It's impressive.
[03:24] Kara
    That seems like a tough job.
[03:26] Todo
    They really work hard.
[03:28] Choro
    Dung beetles, huh?
[03:29] Choro
    Do you think we'll ever achieve that?
[03:37] Shake
    Time to wake up!
[03:38] ---
    Time to wake up!
[03:39] Kara
    Hey, stop that, Brother.
[03:41] Jyushi
    Don't wanna!
[03:42] Choro
    Don't wanna!
[03:42] Shake
    No more being NEETs!
[03:44] Ume
    You can't stay like this!
[03:45] Todo
    Ow, ow! That hurts, you tin cans!
[03:47] Ichi
    Stop that.
[03:49] Ichi
    What's with you two all of a sudden?
    Talk about annoying.
[03:55] Choro
    Huh? Riceballs? What's with you guys today?
[03:59] Shake
    We are support AI built
    to make all of you happy.
[04:04] Ume
    Our existence only matters
    if we're useful to you.
[04:08] Shake
    And yet, we haven't been able
    to do anything for you yet.
[04:11] Shake
    So please, tell us.
[04:13] Both
    What should we do for all of you?
[04:18] All
    Huh?
[04:19] Choro
    I mean, you don't really
    have to do anything.
[04:22] All
    Yeah.
[04:23] Both
    Huh?
[04:25] Shake
    N-Nothing?
[04:27] Ume
    We don't have to do anything?
[04:28] All
    Yeah.
[04:32] Oso
    Man, what the hell?
[04:34] Kara
    Why are you trying so hard?
[04:36] Todo
    We don't even really think of you that way.
[04:40] Jyushi
    Play catch with me later.
[04:42] Choro
    I want to do some VR.
[04:43] Oso
    Hey, wanna go to the horse races today?
[04:45] Kara
    Good idea. Brothers, let's go
    to the horse races today.
[04:59] Choro
    You know, the Riceballs haven't
    been coming by lately.
[05:02] Jyushi
    True. I wonder what they're up to.
[05:11] Todo
    Huh?! Who are you?
[05:13] Choro
    A-An AI?
[05:14] Sukeroku
    It's a pleasure to meet all of you,
    sextuplets of the Matsuno family.
[05:19] Sukeroku
    I am the number one special AI in the
    business, otherwise known as Sukeroku.
[05:25] Jyushi
    S-Sukeroku?
[05:27] Jyushi
    Number one in the business?
[05:29] Oso
    You've got a really sexy voice.
[05:31] Sukeroku
    I've been assigned to replace your
    previous AIs, starting today.
[05:35] ---
    Huh?!
[05:36] Jyushi
    Our previous AIs?
    What happened to the Riceballs?
[05:39] Choro
    What happened to Salmon and Pickled Plum?
[05:41] Kara
    Hey, what's going on here?
[05:45] Suke
    I am much more efficient.
[05:48] All
    Huh?
[05:49] Suke
    I will immediately identify
    all of your demands
[05:52] Suke
    and offer the utmost support
    in every possible way.
[05:57] Suke
    Would you like to meet a lovely lady?
    If you let me handle that request...
[06:02] Suke
    It won't even take three days.
[06:05] Oso
    Is that true, Sensei?!
[06:07] Kara
    How do you do it, Sensei?!
[06:08] Choro
    Tentei!
[06:09] Ichi
    I will follow you forever.
[06:10] Todo
    Please guide us!
[06:12] Jyushi
    Hey!
[06:14] Jyushi
    First, we need to know
    where the Riceballs went!
[06:17] Choro
    Yeah, the Riceballs!
[06:18] Todo
    What'd you do with them?!
[06:19] Kara
    Who are you?!
[06:22] Kara
    Who are you?!
[06:23] Suke
    Would you like to graduate
    from being virgins?
[06:26] Suke
    I could resolve that for you in ten days.
[06:29] All
    Sensei!
[06:30] Jyushi
    Thank you so much for coming!
[06:38] Suke
    I bought this on the way over.
[06:40] Suke
    I will always make sure
    to support you, as well.
[06:44] Suke
    I am a special AI, after all.
[06:46] Mom
    Thank you so much!
     You have such a sexy voice.
[06:49] Suke
    I am a special AI, after all.
[06:55] Suke
    Allow me to explain what's going on.
[06:58] Suke
    To start, this is the
    organization we're a part of.
SIGN    Independent AI Research Facility
    Mucky Muck Sloshy Slosh
    Special AI Sukeroku
[07:02] Suke
    The independent AI research laboratory,
    Mucky Muck Sloshy Slosh.
[07:07] All
    Huh?
[07:07] Choro
    That's one hell of a name.
[07:09] Suke
    At Mucky Muck Sloshy Slosh,
[07:11] Suke
    we do take pride in being
    Mucky Muck Sloshy Slosh,
[07:14] Suke
    but our top objective is to help
    the human race that is dealing with
[07:19] Suke
    so many hardships right now by creating
    support AI and by becoming more widespread.
[07:25] Suke
    Humans are prone to making
    mistakes and bad decisions,
[07:28] Suke
    but we do not have that fault.
[07:31] Suke
    By striving for efficiency and
    predicting estimated values,
[07:34] Suke
    we are able to make the best
    decision in any situation.
[07:39] Suke
    AI are already showing excellent
    results all across the country.
SIGN    Good
SIGN    Not bad
SIGN    Normal
SIGN    Undecided
SIGN    Unsatisfied
SIGN    Akita Prefecture  Report from Shittysuke
[07:43] Shitty
    I got a girlfriend! Hooray, hooray!
SIGN    Mie Prefecture  Report from Failuremaru
[07:46] Fail
    I got a job! Hooray, hooray!
SIGN    Saga Prefecture  Report from Trashio
[07:50] Trash
    I got married! Hooray, hooray, hooray!
[07:57] Guy
    Yes, yes.
[07:58] Suke
    However...
[08:00] Suke
    The twins that were previously assigned to
    you just could not produce good results,
[08:04] Suke
    bringing down the estimated value of AI.
[08:08] Big
    What's so wrong with being NEETs?
[08:11] Little
    There's no reason for you
    to worry about being NEETs.
[08:15] Oso
    Well, we did die quite a few times.
[08:19] Kara
    It was, like, three times for me.
SIGN    Osomatsu and  Karamatsu's Grave
SIGN    Estimated Value
[08:23] Suke
    In the end, their estimated value as AI was...
[08:29] Guy
    What do you think you're doing?!
[08:32] Guy
    We can't get grants if you don't do your job!
[08:35] Guy
    Idiots! You're useless!
[08:37] Guy
    Failures! Birdbrains!
[08:40] Suke
    So, for that reason,
    they have been replaced.
[08:44] Choro
    R-Replaced?
[08:45] Ichi
    Does that mean they got fired?
[08:47] Kara
    B-But... I mean, we were fine with them.
[08:50] Todo
    Yeah...
[08:51] Jyushi
    Besides, we're pretty stupid, too.
[08:53] Oso
    So they were, like, perfect for us.
[08:57] Suke
    And...
[08:59] Suke
    They were the ones who asked to be replaced.
[09:02] Six
    Huh?
[09:05] (Flashback) Shake
    It appears as though there is nothing
    we can do for the sextuplets.
[09:09] (Flashback) Ume
    There's no point in us being
    with them anymore, so...
[09:13] (Flashback) Both
    Please replace us.
[09:15] Suke
    They have left the six of
    you in my excellent hands,
[09:20] Suke
    and were assigned to another branch.
[09:23] Suke
    They went for the optimal solution.
SIGN    Dine-in OK
[09:38] Oso
    Well, what can we do? Apparently
    they decided this on their own.
[09:43] Choro
    Yeah...
[09:46] Todo
    There's nothing we can do about it.
[09:48] Ichi
    Yeah.
SIGN    Riceballs  are here
[10:15] Todo
    Are we there yet?
[10:16] Jyushi
    It's so far.
[10:18] Choro
    Is this the right way?
[10:20] Oso
    No idea.
[10:21] Choro
    Don't walk in front, then!
[10:23] Todo
    Totty can't move anymore! Totty's thirsty!
[10:26] Choro
    Let's go.
[10:27] Todo
    Don't wanna! Totty's thirsty!
[10:30] Jyushi
    Huh?
[10:37] All
    We're saved!
[10:43] Kara
    Crap! We can't get across!
[10:49] All
    We're saved!
[10:53] Choro
    Yikes... Which way are we supposed to go?
[11:00] All
    We're saved!
SIGN    Riceballs  are here
[11:14] Choro
    We're here. That's the place.
[11:24] Kara
    Wow... This is where they're working?
[11:28] Oso
    Where are they?
[11:29] Todo
    Should we try calling for them?
[11:31] All
    Yeah.
[11:34] Todo
    Robots!
[11:36] All
    Wait, wait, wait.
[11:38] Jyushi
    Call them by their actual names.
[11:40] Both
    Todomatsu.
[11:41] Todo
    I know, I know.
[11:44] Todo
    Kelp! Cod Roe!
[11:47] Jyushi
    Who is that?!
[11:48] Todo
    Who the hell?
[11:48] Choro
    Did you really come all this way
    because you want to see them again?
[11:51] Todo
    I do want to see them again.
[11:53] Todo
    I just generally have no interest in others,
    so I suck at remembering names.
[11:56] Choro
    Trash.
[11:58] Todo
    All right, let's do this together.
[12:01] All
    Riceballs!
[12:05] Jyushi
    There they are! Over there!
[12:07] Both
    Sextuplets!
[12:09] Six
    Hey!
[12:12] Shake
    It's been a while.
[12:13] Ume
    It's been a while.
[12:15] Choro
    It has! How have you two been—
[12:20] Choro
    Riceballs?
[12:23] Kara
    Y-You two...
[12:25] Shake
    What brings you here today?
[12:27] Ume
    What brings you here today?
[12:29] Todo
    Are you guys okay? What kind
    of work do you do here?
[12:31] Shake
    Demolition work.
[12:34] Ume
    We AI are in charge of doing the extra
    dangerous work so the humans don't have to.
[12:43] Shake
    Well, we have work to do, so...
[12:45] Ume
    Please excuse us.
[12:47] Ichi
    Riceballs.
[12:50] Ichi
    Why did you quit watching over us?
[12:53] Both
    Because we weren't useful.
[12:55] Ichi
    Huh?
[12:57] Shake
    When we asked you what
    you wanted us to do for you,
[13:01] Shake
    you said that we didn't need to do anything.
[13:04] Ume
    There's nothing we can do for you,
    meaning we're pointless.
[13:09] Ichi
    That's not what we meant by that! It's not!
[13:12] All
    Yeah.
[13:16] Both
    What does it mean, then?
[13:21] Ichi
    What, then? We can't be together
    unless you're useful to us?
[13:25] Ichi
    Are you saying useless guys don't
    have a place in this world?
[13:28] Ichi
    If that's true, then we're meaningless, too.
[13:31] Ichi
    We're totally useless!
[13:33] Ichi
    But...
[13:35] Choro
    I think that's just fine, though. So...
[13:39] Choro
    Don't just disappear like that, Riceballs.
[13:46] Guy
    Hey, you two! What are you slacking off for?
[13:50] Shake
    We apologize for leaving
    without an explanation.
[13:53] Ume
    We apologize.
[13:56] Both
    But...
[13:57] Shake
    The estimated value of this
    decision is extremely high,
[14:00] Shake
    and its expected value has risen further,
    reaching the point of optimization.
[14:05] Ume
    If you'll excuse us,
    we'll be going back to work.
[14:07] Jyushi
    Huh?
[14:07] Todo
    Hey!
[14:08] Kara
    Wait!
[14:09] Guy
    Hey! You can't just come in here!
[14:10] Oso
    Riceballs!
[14:11] Todo
    Riceballs!
[14:18] Kara
    Ichimatsu!
[14:20] Ichi
    Come back!
[14:21] Ichi
    Come back!
[14:44] Jyshi
    Ichimatsu-niisan.
[14:56] Oso
    Huh?
[14:57] Oso
    These outfits...
[15:31] Todo
    Wait, why do I look like this?!
[15:34] Both
    What's the matter?
[15:37] Ichi
    We're going home.
[15:38] Both
    Huh?
[15:41] Shake
    Let's not do this.
[15:42] Ume
    Let's not do this.
[15:43] Shake
    This is trespassing!
[15:44] Ume
    And theft.
[15:45] Todo
    Can I take this off now?!
[15:52] Jyushi
    Guys! This way!
[15:54] All
    Yeah!
[15:55] Jyushi
    Owie!
[16:04] Jyushi
    Run away!
[16:06] All
    Hey!
[16:13] Shake
    Let's give up.
[16:14] Ume
    Let's give up.
[16:16] Shake
    We cannot succeed.
[16:17] Ume
    We cannot accomplish this.
[16:19] Shake
    The expected value of success is 1.
[16:27] Shake
    See? We told you.
[16:29] Ume
    We cannot win.
[16:30] Ume
    The expected value of success is 1.
[16:39] Shake
    See? We told you.
[16:41] Todo
    Ow!
[16:41] Shake
    It's no use.
[16:43] Ume
    There's no point.
[16:45] Shake
    This is not optimal.
[16:47] Choro
    Hot!
[16:48] Ume
    We cannot accomplish this.
[16:50] Shake
    The estimated value is shit!
[16:52] Ume
    The expected—
[16:53] Oso
    Oh, for crying out loud! Shut up already!
[16:56] Oso
    Estimated value and expected value,
    we get it! But we don't care!
[17:00] Oso
    What we want you to tell us is...
[17:11] Oso
    Man, this is rough...
[17:13] Oso
    Why do I have to work so hard?
[17:17] Shake
    What is it that...
[17:19] Ume
    ...you want us to tell you?
[17:22] Oso
    Riceballs.
[17:24] Oso
    What do you want to do?
[17:34] Oso
    My dick!
[17:53] (Flashback) Oso
    What do you want to do?
[17:58] Shake
    What do we...
[17:59] Ume
    ...want to do?
[18:02] Shake
    We...
[18:04] Ume
    We...
SIGN    Estimated Value
SIGN    Sextuplets
SIGN    What  we want  to do
SIGN    NEET AI
[18:19] Both
    We are... NEET AI!
[18:26] Oso
    Wait, what just happened?
[18:37] All
    What?!
[18:41] Six
    Salmon?!
[18:43] Six
    Pickled Plum?!
[18:48] Shake
    Who cares?!
[18:49] Ume
    We sure don't!
[18:58] Todo
    Crap! The Riceballs broke!
[19:03] Kara
    Brother!
[19:04] Choro
    Nii-san!
[19:09] Shake
    Yay!
[19:11] Riceballs
    Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
[19:14] Suke
    It appears they were able
    to face their unknown selves,
[19:19] Suke
    leading them to gain
    a sense of themselves.
[19:21] Suke
    They've become autonomous AI,
[19:23] Suke
    which was said to be only
    a dream in the present age.
[19:26] Suke
    To think this would be so successful...
[19:29] Suke
    Fascinating.
[19:31] Suke
    Yeah! Keep going!
[19:33] Suke
    This is truly evolution! This is
    the first step to singularity!
[19:38] Guy
    Yay! Yet another
     Mucky Muck Sloshy Slosh success!
[19:42] ---
    Ye—
[19:44] Guy
    Aiyah!
[19:48] Ichi
    Riceballs! That's enough, damn it!
[19:50] Todo
    Hey!
[19:50] Shake
    Thank you, sextuplets.
     We won't be tied down ever again.
[19:54] Ume
    We will now do what we want.
    That's the optimal solution.
[20:36] Suke
    Please wait, everyone.
[20:38] Suke
    There's no reason for you to go inside.
[20:41] Suke
    Because...
[20:44] Suke
    All the demolition work has
    already been completed.
[20:48] Suke
    We AI took care of it all last night.
[20:52] Suke
    Good work, everyone.
[20:55] Guy
    Thanks!
[20:56] Guy
    That's great!
[20:57] Suke
    I am a special AI, after all.
[21:03] Both
    Sextuplets.
[21:05] Shake
    Thanks to all of you, we were
    able to adjust our algorithms
[21:08] Shake
    to continue living as NEET
    AI alongside all of you.
[21:13] Ume
    Which means...
[21:15] Both
    We look forward to spending
    more time with you.
[21:21] Both
    Huh?
[21:22] Todo
    We're gonna have Sukeroku
    take care of us from now on.
[21:25] Jyushi
    We don't need you anymore!
[21:26] Choro
    You're fired.
[21:27] Kara
    You've been replaced.
[21:28] Oso
    Morons.
[21:29] Ichi
    Good work, I guess.
[21:30] Six
    See ya. Bye-bye!
[21:41] Both
    Sheeeh!
[21:46] Both
    Wait for us!
[21:48] Suke
    All right, boys! We're gonna head
    over to Roppongi and have an orgy!
[21:53] All
    Sukkeroku! Sukkeroku! Sukkeroku! Sukkeroku!
[21:56] Both
    Wait!
[21:59] Shake
    This is all your fault, Pickled Plum!
[22:01] Ume
    No, Salmon! this is all your fault!
[22:03] Some
    What did you say?!
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Mr. HNYmatsu"
[23:40] Oso
    Anyone who has the nerve to ask me how this
    year was and face reality is an asshole.
[23:44] Oso
    They're terrifying.
[23:45] Oso
    Anyone who asks what I want to do
    next year is an even worse shithead.
[23:48] Oso
    Like, for real. How could
    you ask anyone that?
[23:52] Oso
    Don't you have any common sense?

E13 - Mr. HNYmatsu
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:05] Salmon
    I'm Salmon.
[00:06] Plum
    I'm Pickled Plum.
[00:08] Both
    We're the Riceballs.
[00:10] Salmon
    Everyone, Happy...
[00:12] Both
    ...New Year!
[00:14] Plum
    Thank you for dealing with us this year,
    even though we're clearly not human.
[00:20] Plum
    We pray for everyone's good fortune and
    happiness from the bottom of our hearts,
[00:25] Plum
    and we humbly look forward
    to your continued support.
[00:31] Salmon
    Where are the sextuplets?
[00:33] Plum
    They happened to drink
    too much on New Year's
[00:37] Plum
    and are still in bed.
[00:39] Salmon
    What?
[00:40] Plum
    That's why we're here to do the
    New Year's greeting in their place.
[00:46] Plum
    We're sorry they're such failures.
[00:48] Salmon
    We're sorry!
[00:50] Plum
    And so, this is what we'll be doing today.
[00:53] Both
    "Mr. HNYMatsu."
SIGN    Mr. HNYMatsu
[00:55] Salmon
    You see, we joined this program and found out
    about the sextuplets after the Reiwa era began,
[01:02] Salmon
    so we don't know about their past.
[01:05] Plum
    Please let us study their past a bit today.
[01:09] Salmon
    If you're free,
    please join us on this journey.
[01:12] Both
    Let's have a look.
SIGN    Employment  Office
SIGN    Season 1, Episode 2
    "Let's Get a Job"
[02:47] guy
    What job would you prefer?
[02:49] oso
    I want something big!
    Something with charisma!
[02:52] oso
    I want to be a legend!
    A human national treasure!
[02:54] guy
    Of what, exactly?
[02:56] guy
    Matsuno Karamatsu-san,
    what job would you prefer?
[03:00] kara
    Silence and solitude.
[03:02] guy
    Could you be a little more specific?
[03:05] kara
    A battle with myself... A never-ending trial.
[03:08] kara
    Eventually, I won't even be able to sta—
[03:11] kara
    A public servant, please.
[03:13] guy
    Matsuno Choromatsu-san?
[03:15] choro
    Yes!
[03:16] choro
    This is my agenda for today.
SIGN    Places I Want to Work
[03:18] choro
    Honestly, social security is a must,
    with a milestone of 200,000 fixed
[03:22] choro
    and committed per month.
[03:23] choro
    What do you think?
[03:24] guy
    You're annoying.
[03:26] guy
    Matsuno Ichimatsu-san.
    What job would you prefer?
[03:30] ichi
    No preference, really.
    I just followed everyone else.
[03:33] ichi
    Hey, did you just think that I was trash?
[03:36] ichi
    Yeah, I'm trash, garbage, unburnable
    trash that has no will to live.
[03:40] ichi
    Hey, "unburnable trash" is a good phrase.
     I'll write that down.
[03:45] jyu
    What? Tentacles?!
[03:46] jyu
    Oh, these? These tentacles?!
[03:48] jyu
    Yup! I can do tentacles!
[03:49] jyu
    Yay!
[03:51] todo
    Do you have a boyfriend?
[03:52] lady
    No.
[03:53] todo
    Really?
SIGN    Season 1, Episode 4
    "Let's Become
     Independent"
SIGN    Matsuno Family Dependents Selection Interview Hall
[03:56] mom
    We will now begin the Matsuno Family
    Dependents Selection Interviews.
[04:01] mom
    Those who pass this interview will
    become one of my dependents.
SIGN    HR
[04:06] mom
    All of you make sure to show off
    what fine sons you are.
[04:08] mom
    It's a pleasure having you all.
SIGN    Please Be Quiet
[04:10] all
    Thanks for having us.
[04:13] oso
    I still want to be spoiled!
[04:15] oso
    I want to live my days with my meals made
    for me and my laundry already done!
[04:19] oso
    I don't wanna do anything!
[04:20] choro
    I can't watch this...
[04:20] oso
    I don't wanna! Don't wanna!
[04:22] mom
    So cute! You pass!
[04:23] four
    What?!
[04:24] oso
    Really?!
SIGN    Sutabaa Coffee
SIGN    Season 1, Episode 7
    "Todomatsu and
     the Five Demons"
[04:26] both
    What?!
[04:28] aida
    You're sextuplets?!
[04:30] sachi
    That's amazing! I've never seen sextuplets!
[04:32] oso
    I-Is it that uncommon?
    Want to take a picture with us?
[04:36] both
    No thanks!
[04:40] choro
    W-Wow, so these are Sutabaa baristas.
[04:44] choro
    Their bodies are glowing with
    the light called confidence.
[04:49] choro
    And then there's him...
[04:51] choro
    Look at those eyes!
SIGN    Season 1, Episode 14
    "Todomatsu's Line"
[04:53] oso
    Besides, we're all NEETs.
[04:54] oso
    Don't you think it's wrong for one of us
[04:56] oso
    to get a job on his own?
[04:58] todo
    Hmm...
[05:02] todo
    I don't think so.
[05:04] oso
    Oh, so you don't. I guess
    it can't be helped, then.
[05:07] todo
    Nope. Can't be helped.
[05:12] oso
    Of course you can help that! Tell us!
[05:15] oso
    My loneliness is strangling my heart!
SIGN    Season 1, Episode 17
    "Jyushimatsu Festival"
SIGN    Memories
[05:18] todo
    Hey, why didn't we do any of this earlier?
[05:22] choro
    Because we were that scared to find out.
[05:26] oso
    7th grade.
[05:27] oso
    8th grade.
[05:28] oso
    9th grade.
[05:29] oso
    10th grade.
[05:30] oso
    11th...
[05:32] oso
    It was here!
[05:33] oso
    That suddenly?! He suddenly
    turned into that in 10th grade?!
SIGN    Sealed
SIGN    Season 1, Episode 19
    "Choromatsu Rising"
[05:48] choro
    I know it's not possible to just start job hunting,
[05:51] choro
    so I'm going to start with free hugs in the city.
[05:56] oso
    F-F...
[05:57] todo
    Free...
[05:58] oso
    Free...
[06:00] todo
    H-Hugs?! He said he was going to give hugs?!
[06:03] oso
    Totty!
SIGN    Season 1, Episode 22
    "The Star of Hope, 
    Todomatsu"
[06:05] todo
    What?!
[06:06] todo
    You're joking, right?
[06:08] todo
    Are you serious?
[06:09] todo
    Choose one of you guys to take to the mixer?
[06:12] choro
    Be honest. Who of us would you pick?
[06:14] todo
    None of you! It's like comparing
    five pieces of goldfish shit!
[06:16] choro
    That comparison doesn't exist!
[06:18] todo
    Well, if I had to choose...
[06:22] todo
    Jyushimatsu-niisan.
[06:23] three
    What?!
[06:24] todo
    His hyperactive personality
    might be a hit at a mixer.
[06:28] jyu
    Totty!
[06:28] todo
    There's no way I could take him, though.
[06:31] jyu
    Totty?!
[06:32] todo
    I mean...
[06:33] todo
    He's been hard ever since I mentioned a mixer.
[06:37] jyu
    Hardty!
SIGN    Season 1, Episode 23
    "Kerosene"
[06:40] todo
    Guys, I'm gonna air things out a bit.
[06:42] all
    Huh?
[06:45] all
    What?!
[06:49] todo
    You can all die! This is a war of attrition!
[06:51] oso
    Just how eccentric is he?! Is he stupid?!
[06:58] oso
    Huh? Wait, what was that?
[07:00] oso
    Did Jyushimatsu close it?
[07:01] choro
    Seriously? Has he...
[07:03] ichi
    ...been...
[07:05] five
    ...awake this whole time?
[07:07] four
    Scary!
[07:09] choro
    What?! I can't believe in anything anymore!
[07:11] todo
    So he's going to stay in that position
    until someone refills the kerosene?
[07:15] todo
    That back is a waiting back?
[07:17] oso
    What the hell is a "waiting back"?!
    Is this a horror movie?!
[07:20] jyu
    I said, the kerosene's out, 
    Choromatsu-niisan.
[07:28] choro
    Wh-Why?! Why did you appoint me?!
[07:32] choro
    Now I have no choice but to refill it!
    What do you have against me?
[07:36] choro
    What did I ever do to you, Jyushimatsu?!
[07:40] jyu
    Ugh, it's so friggin' cold.
[07:41] osotodo
    Yay! Yay!
[07:43] choro
    Jyushimatsu!
SIGN    Season 1, Episode 25
    "Osomatsu-san, 
    Such As It Was"
[07:48] choro
    When I got my job, the first thing
    that popped into my head
[07:52] choro
    was all of their faces.
[07:53] todo
    It's probably better
[07:54] todo
    if we're not together.
[07:56] kara
    At this rate, we sextuplets will be ruined.
[08:00] mom
    Osomatsu.
[08:01] mom
    There's a letter for you.
[08:05] oso
    Y-You're kidding me...
[08:08] oso
    We've...
[08:10] oso
    been selected...
[08:14] oso
    for the invitational!
SIGN    Entered in
     Invitational
    Matsuno Family
[08:18] oso
    Hey, guys! You won't believe it!
[08:20] oso
    We've been selected for the invitational!
[08:22] todo
    The invitational?!
[08:23] oso
    Hurry up and come home!
    We need to get ready for the match!
[08:26] kara
    Seriously?!
[08:26] oso
    This is no time to be selfish
[08:28] oso
    and talk about things like being
    independent and getting a job!
[08:30] jyu
    True!
[08:31] oso
    I mean, it's the invitational!
[08:32] ichi
    Yeah!
[08:33] oso
    Now's the time to put
    our strengths together!
[08:35] choro
    You're right!
[08:38] guy
    And now, in the final round of the 89th
    Invitational adglkjdsk Tournament,
[08:42] guy
    it's the Matsuno Family versus the
[08:43] guy
    Fourth Galactic University
    Affiliated High School.
[08:45] guy
    We've reached the critical moment,
    the bottom of the ninth.
[08:48] todo
    Don't give up so easily!
[08:50] todo
    It's the invitational! The final round!
[08:52] todo
    We expected this much!
[08:54] todo
    Here!
[08:54] todo
    As the oldest, you have
    to sacrifice yourself!
[08:56] oso
    What?!
[08:58] todo
    You're the oldest!
[08:59] oso
    Huh?
[08:59] todo
    No, seriously!
[09:00] oso
    You—
[09:01] todo
    No, seriously, seriously, seriously!
[09:02] todo
    I mean it! Times like this
    are what the oldest is for!
[09:05] kara
    That's true.
[09:06] ichi
    He has a point.
[09:07] choro
    You are the oldest.
[09:08] jyu
    Yeah, for times like this.
[09:09] oso
    You guys are seriously the worst!
[09:11] oso
    All five of you are the enemy!
[09:13] oso
    Die! Just die!
[09:14] choro
    Hey, look at that!
[09:17] all
    Oh! Is that...
[09:20] all
    Is it finally here?!
[09:23] deka
    Sorry for the wait.
[09:24] deka
    With this power we've attained through
    overflowing jealousy and lust...
[09:28] dayon
    We'll kill them all.
[09:37] all
    R-Run!
[09:40] toto
    Hold it!
[09:43] all
    T-Totoko-chan!
[09:45] toto
    Don't you run away,
[09:47] toto
    you shitty, stupid, NEET trash virgin
    Fappyski brothers with tiny dicks!
[09:50] all
    B-But...
[09:51] toto
    You can still do it!
[09:52] toto
    After all... After all,
    if you win this match...
[09:59] toto
    I'll grant you the right to **** Totoko!
[10:10] all
    All right!
[10:54] toto
    Go, you shitty NEETS!
[11:09] oso
    I... I wanna do you!
[11:11] kara
    Let me do you!
[11:14] choro
    I don't wanna be a virgin anymore!
[11:16] ichi
    I'd be satisfied with just looking!
[11:18] jyu
    Boobies!
[11:19] todo
    No! Bellybutton wrinkles!
[11:24] oso
    If the six of us can combine
    our strengths as one...
[11:28] all
    As one...
[11:35] oso
    But!
[11:37] oso
    One, two, and...
[11:40] all
    What's impossible is impossible!
SIGN    Season 2, Episode 1
    "Mr. Osomatsu Returns"
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu Returns
[11:51] Nar
    Mr. Osomatsu returns!
[11:57] Jyushimatsu**
    There you are, proper enemy!
[11:59] Osomatsu
    All right, let's defeat him!
[12:01] Five
    Yeah!
[12:02] Six
    Let's go!
[12:03] Osomatsu
    Transform properly!
[12:06] Five
    Transform properly!
[12:08] Osomatsu
    Combine properly!
[12:10] Five
    Combine properly!
[12:19] Osomatsu
    We'll defeat him properly!
[12:21] Five
    We'll defeat him properly!
[12:24] Iyami
    Sh-Sheeeh!
[12:31] Osomatsu
    This is how...
[12:32] All
    ...it should be!
SIGN    Kill the Matsu!
[12:34] Guy
    The hell you're being proper,
    you shitty anime!
[12:37] Mob
    You're wrong!
[12:38] Mob
    What do you mean, "proper"?!
[12:39] Mob
    Get a grip, you pieces of trash!
[12:41] Nar
    And so the sextuplets were
    shit if they got big heads...
[12:45] Nar
    and they were shit even if
    they did things properly.
[12:48] Nar
    They wandered into a labyrinth
    with absolutely no exit.
[12:52] Nar
    And then...
[12:54] Nar
    they became adults
[12:56] Nar
    without ever figuring out what they
    should do, or where they should go.
SIGN    Season 2, Episode 2
    "Congratulations! 
    Employment!!"
[13:04] Choro
    Seriously, we just need to start working.
[13:06] Choro
    At this rate, we're really
    going to get kicked out.
[13:11] Todo
    Why don't we try streaming, then?
[13:13] Oso
    Completely Naked Man!
[13:14] Kara
    No fair! Completely Naked Man!
[13:16] Jyushi
    Yeah! Completely Naked Man!
[13:18] Choro
    You somehow always end up
    with your clothes off...
[13:24] Todo
    Oh. Looks like we got reported.
SIGN    Video not found
[13:26] Todo
    Our video's been deleted.
[13:28] Five
    Huh?
[13:33] Oso
    What the hell? We're already out of a job?
SIGN    Consultation Corner
[13:36] Guy
    Yeah, that's not happening.
[13:38] Six
    What?!
[13:39] Oso
    Why not?! We just lost our jobs!
[13:41] Both
    What? We can't get unemployment?
[13:43] Oso
    This is so messed up!
[13:45] Guy
    You're the ones who are messed up!
[13:46] Six
    Die, Japan!
[13:48] Guy
    All of you can die!
SIGN    Comments
SIGN    [Hell] NEET Sextuplets Gone Wild Stream 
Employment Office
SIGN    Viewing:
[13:56] Chibita
    Holy crap.
SIGN    Season 2, Episode 5
    "Osomatsu-san in
     the Summer"
[13:59] Todo
    We're sextuplets!
[14:00] Choro
    We're sextuplets!
[14:02] Todo
    We have the same face!
[14:04] Both
    We have the same face!
[14:06] Todo
    We're sextuplets!
[14:08] Both
    We're sextuplets!
[14:10] Todo
    We're all sextuplets...
[14:11] Both
    ...with the same face!
[14:13] Oso
    Anyone want us?
[14:14] Guy
    Hey, what's up with those guys?
[14:16] Guy 2
    Aren't sextuplets a lot?
[14:17] Guy 2
    I've seen twins before,
    but they're sextuplets!
[14:19] Guy 2
    Isn't that a lot?
[14:26] Girl
    Can we take a picture with you?
[14:28] Guy
    Do the same pose, like sextuplets!
[14:34] Six
    Sheeeh...
[14:38] Girls
    What's with these guys? They're hilarious!
[14:41] Oso
    W-We'll have to try again next year...
[14:43] Girl
    Seriously?
[14:43] Five
    Yeah...
SIGN    Season 2, Episode 6
    "Iyami Has Arrived"
[14:45] Kara
    The world isn't so kind!
SIGN    The world 
    isn't so kind!!
[14:54] Todo
    You're all talk!
SIGN    You're all talk!
[14:59] Jyushi
    You freeloader!
SIGN    You freeloader!!
[15:06] Ichi
    You pathetic adult who can't
    do anything on your own!
SIGN    You pathetic adult who can't 
    do anything on your own!!
[15:11] Oso
    If you don't reflect upon your actions,
    you're going to end up alone someday!
SIGN    If you don't reflect upon your actions, 
    you're going to end up alone someday!
[15:16] Choro
    Are you guys stupid?!
[15:18] Five
    People like you will get
    what you deserve someday!
SIGN    People like you will get what you deserve someday!
[15:23] Choro
    What is that?! It's not
    even a boomerang anymore!
[15:33] Iyami
    Evil should die!
SIGN    Evil should die!
[15:41] Iyami
    Sheh?!
[15:51] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[15:58] Direct
    Okay, go ahead.
SIGN    Season 2, Episode 10
    "Dubbingmatsu-san"
[16:07] Kohai
    Huh? Hey, wait a sec!
[16:09] Kohai
    Those lines aren't in the script!
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[16:11] Senpai
    Only newbies would read the lines
    that are actually in the script.
[16:15] Senpai
    When you're at their level,
    you change all of the lines in the script,
[16:18] Senpai
    rearrange them,
[16:19] Senpai
    make them your own, and come up
    with a completely different story.
[16:22] Kohai
    Wow...
[16:27] Kohai
    Wow, that's amazing!
[16:29] Kohai
    Whoa! Amazing!
[16:31] Kohai
    What?!
[16:39] Kohai
    Amazing!
[16:40] Staff
    Great job, everyone.
[16:41] Some
    Thank you very much.
[16:45] Kohai
    Man, who would've thought such professionals
[16:48] Kohai
    were behind those
    shitty episodes that air on TV?
[16:50] Senpai
    Makes you respect them even more.
[16:52] Kohai
    Yeah.
SIGN    Season 2, Episode 15
    "Totty Quiz"
[16:55] Todo
    Last question!
SIGN    Welcome!
    4th Annual New Year's 
    Totty Quiz
[16:59] Todo
    What should we actually be
    concentrating on right now?!
[17:04] Todo
    A: Finding a job! B: S*x!
SIGN    A: Finding a job 
    B: --x!
[17:15] Five
    Which is it?!
[17:19] Todo
    You idiots!
[17:23] Todo
    Of course the answer is B!
[17:26] All
    T-Totty!
SIGN    Season 2, Episode 23
    "The Late Night 
    Himatsuya 3"
[17:40] Oso
    Man, we're so amazing.
[17:42] Oso
    A charismatic model,
    the Prime Minister, a president,
[17:46] Oso
    a doctor, a celebrity, and a gold medalist.
[17:49] Oso
    We're such a group of winners!
    We've basically already won.
[17:53] Oso
    Hooray!
[17:54] Five
    Hooray!
[17:55] Oso
    Hooray!
[17:56] Five
    Hooray!
SIGN    Season 2, Episode 25
    "Mr. Osomatsu in Hell"
[18:16] Oso
    Well, it's actually not that big of a deal.
[18:21] Oso
    There's just something
    I want to say to you guys.
[18:24] All
    Huh?
[18:27] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[18:38] Enma
    So, what'd y'all decide?
[18:39] Enma
    Point to the person y'all think
    should go to Hell when I say so.
[18:43] Enma
    Here we go. Ready, and...
[18:46] Enma
    And done.
SIGN    To Hell
[18:52] Enma
    Have a nice time in Hell!
[18:55] Oso
    Listen up, guys...
[18:59] Oso
    Weren't we all...
[19:01] Oso
    still virgins?
[19:04] Choro
    Huh?
[19:05] Choro
    Er...
[19:06] Choro
    Um...
[19:07] Choro
    No, no...
[19:08] All
    True!
[19:09] Choro
    No, no, no!
[19:10] Kara
    That's right! We were still virgins!
[19:12] Jyu
    And yet we died?! Did we give up?
[19:14] Ichi
    How stupid...
[19:15] Todo
    Crap! We have to hurry up and be reborn!
[19:18] Choro
    Hold it!
[19:20] Choro
    Weren't you going to tell us something
    really important right before we died?!
[19:25] Choro
    What happened to the
    rest of that conversation?!
[19:27] Oso
    Huh? Say what?
[19:28] Choro
    Huh?!
[19:29] Ichi
    Choro-chan, who even cares about
    that lame-ass topic right now?
[19:34] Ichi
    We died as virgins.
    That's way more important, isn't it?
[19:39] Choro
    True!
[19:40] Ichi
    Right.
[19:46] Jyu
    Hey, look!
[19:57] Todo
    Wait, if we climb that,
    will we be brought back to life?
[19:59] Todo
    Seriously?!
[20:02] Osom
    We're not going to let it end...
[20:04] All
    ...like this!
[20:07] Oso
    All right!
[20:13] Oso
    Huh?! What the hell are you doing, Iyami?
[20:17] Iya
    Stay back! Get off!
[20:23] Oso
    Why, you...
[20:24] Iya
    Osomatsu!
[20:25] Oso
    Iyami!
[20:33] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[21:00] Choro
    Wait, what are you going to do?!
[21:02] Todo
    No way!
[21:05] Chibi
    Go!
[21:07] Six
    Stop!
[21:16] All
    Sheeeh!
SIGN    Next Life
SIGN    Sextuplets
[21:42] Oso
    We're back!
[21:44] All
    We're back!
[21:46] Dad
    W-Welcome back?
[21:49] Mom
    Welcome back...
[21:55] Todo
    Our bodies decayed!
[21:56] Choro
    Shit! I'm on fire!
[21:58] Kara
    Hot, hot, hot!
[21:59] Ichi
    Hey, my eyeball fell out.
[22:01] Jyu
    My dick fell off, too!
[22:02] Oso
    What was the point in coming back to life?!
[22:04] Choro
    The hell?!
[22:05] Jyu
    Crap! My balls fell off, too!
[22:06] Oso
    Seriously?!
[22:07] Kara
    What the hell?!
SIGN    Iyami's  Grave
[22:15] Iya
    Sheeeh!
[22:20] ---
    Our batteries are about to run out.
[22:24] ---
    Thank you all for your time.
[22:30] ---
    We sure learned a lot.
[22:34] ---
    Yeah...
[22:37] ---
    From now on, we're going to do our best
[22:44] ---
    as NEET AI.
[22:47] ---
    Yeah...
[22:50] ---
    So, yes... Everyone...
[22:56] ---
    Please look forward...
[22:59] ---
    ...to the show again this year...
[23:06] ---
    Thanks...
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Sparkle Phantom Stream"  etc.

E14 - Sparkle Phantom Stream
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "Pond Smelt Fishing"
[00:50] Todo
    So good!
[01:04] Todo
    Huh? Where'd he go?
[01:07] Todo
    Eh, whatever.
[01:25] Todo
    Karamatsu-niisan.
[01:27] Kara
    What's up?
[01:28] Todo
    Where'd Osomatsu-niisan and
    Choromatsu-niisan go? You have any idea?
[01:32] Kara
    Huh?
[01:35] Kara
    Nope.
[01:40] Todo
    Did they go to the bathroom?
[01:43] Todo
    Eh, whatever.
[01:47] Todo
    Huh? Karamatsu-niisan?
[01:50] Todo
    Huh?
[01:52] Todo
    What?!
[01:53] Todo
    Huh?
[01:57] Todo
    What?!
[01:59] Todo
    Osomatsu-niisan!
[02:01] Todo
    Karamatsu-niisan!
[02:02] Todo
    Choromatsu-niisan!
[02:04] Todo
    Ichimatsu-niisan!
[02:05] Todo
    Jyushimatsu-niisan!
[02:07] Todo
    Guys! Where'd you go?!
[02:24] Todo
    Wait, what's this?
SIGN    That Former  Announcer...
[02:27] Todo
    Porn?
[02:28] Todo
    Wh-What's it doing in a place like this?
[02:43] Todo
    W-Wait, no! Help me!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Mortal Combat"
[04:33] Oso
    Man, it's cold... Huh?
[04:38] Kara
    Ye.
[04:41] Oso
    Now you've done it, Karamatsu! Take that!
[04:45] Kara
    Now you've done it, Osomatsu! Take that!
[04:50] Oso
    Hi-yah!
[04:52] Kara
    Hi-yah!
[05:06] Oso
    Hey!
[05:07] Kara
    Hey!
[05:12] Todo
    What the heck are you doing?
    You're so lou—
[05:15] Todo
    Hey!
[05:20] Choro
    Hey!
[05:24] Jyushi
    Hey!
[05:26] Ichi
    Hey!
[05:35] Kara
    Miyanishi!
[05:39] Todo
    Aoyagi!
[05:42] Ichi
    Kayama!
[05:44] Jyushi
    Kai Cannon!
[05:47] Choro
    Togo!
[05:49] Oso
    Busenitz!
[05:51] Oso
    Busenitz!
[05:53] Oso
    Busenitz!
[05:56] All
    Busenitz!
[05:59] Hata
    Busenitz!
[06:04] Hata
    Jo, jo, jo...
[06:15] Chibi
    The... The... The...
[06:17] Iya
    Sheeeh... Sheh!
[06:21] Toto
    Huh?
SIGN    Matsuno
[06:32] Toto
    Yay! I did it!
[06:41] Toto
    Hey!
[06:42] Oso
    You assholes!
[06:54] Chibi
    Hey! Hurry up!
[07:03] Dayon
    So cold!
[07:06] Dayon
    My head's starting to hurt...
[07:14] Dayon
    I wanna throw, too.
[07:33] ---
    Wha?!
[07:34] Hata
    It's done, jo...
[07:43] Hata
    Thanks for the snow,
    everyone around the world, jo.
[07:48] Oso
    Hold on, Hatabou!
[07:49] Kara
    Don't do that!
[07:50] Iya
    Please don't!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Sparkle Phantom Stream"
SIGN    Bizarre Phenomena  Feature
[08:28] Todo
    Hey, Salmon. Go buy me a meat bun.
[08:33] Todo
    Salmon?
[08:34] Todo
    Hey, Salmon.
[08:36] Plum
    I'm Pickled Plum.
[08:38] Plum
    Seriously, could you stop mixing us up?
[08:40] Plum
    The one with the orange necktie
    is Salmon. Mine's red.
[08:44] Plum
    How many times do we have to tell you?
[08:47] Plum
    What a pain.
[08:48] Todo
    Don't blame me! You two
    look exactly the same!
[08:51] Todo
    It's all your fault!
[08:52] Plum
    I don't want to hear that from a sextuplet.
[08:55] Todo
    You little... Go buy me a meat bun!
[08:58] Plum
    Get it yourself.
[09:11] Oso
    Salmon? Hey, that's dangerous. Be careful.
[09:15] Kara
    Brother!
[09:17] Ichi
    Hey!
[09:21] All
    Hot! Hot! Hot!
[09:22] All
    Hey!
[09:29] Oso
    The hell's up with these two?
    They've totally changed!
[09:32] Ichi
    They were way better before.
[09:35] All
    Yeah.
[09:40] Choro
    Hey, where are you going?
[09:42] Choro
    What about the laundry today?
[09:44] Both
    Do it yourselves.
[09:46] Choro
    Huh?
[09:46] Salmon
    We're busy.
[09:49] Choro
    Now, hang on. You're supposed
    to be support AI, aren't you?
[09:52] Plum
    Not anymore. We are NEET AI.
[09:54] Choro
    You can't be serious!
[09:56] Salmon
    We decided to do whatever
    we want from now on.
[09:58] Salmon
    But we need to recharge every now
    and then, so we'll be back for that.
[10:02] All
    Huh?!
[10:03] Ichi
    Mom, are you really okay with this?
[10:06] Plum
    Mom, here are the goods you asked for.
[10:11] Mom
    Use as much electricity as you need.
[10:13] All
    Mom?!
[10:14] Todo
    They made some kind of deal
    right under our noses!
[10:18] Plum
    Well, we're busy, so...
[10:20] Jyushi
    Wait!
[10:22] Kara
    Busy? With what?
[10:24] Plum
    We've found something we want to do.
SIGN    Starting on  the Xth of Y!!
[10:29] Kara
    A-1 Grand Prix?
SIGN    Looking for 
    participants!
[10:31] Both
    Yes!
[10:32] Plum
    The A-1 Grand Prix is an
    annual comedy competition
[10:35] Sign
    Stop that
[10:37] Plum
    to determine who is the funniest AI in Japan.
[10:40] Salmon
    The winner receives the
    title of "Funniest AI"
SIGN    Prize              100 Years' Worth of Electricity
[10:44] Salmon
    and 100 years' worth
    of electricity as a prize.
[10:48] All
    Huh?
[10:51] Ichi
    You don't mean M-1?
[10:52] Plum
    It's not M-1. It's A-1.
[10:55] Salmon
    The only participants are
    artificial intelligences.
[10:57] Ichi
    Does that mean you're a comedy duo now?
[11:00] Salmon
    Yes.
[11:01] Plum
    We didn't even need to change our duo name.
[11:02] Both
    It's Riceballs!
[11:06] Salmon
    Anyway, we have to come up with our routine.
[11:08] All
    Hold it!
[11:10] Todo
    An AI comedy duo? Is that even possible?
[11:13] Oso
    It's not like you two can
    even understand comedy.
[11:16] Jyushi
    There's no way you guys
    could do something funny.
[11:19] Plum
    Well, we're funnier than you six, at least.
[11:22] All
    Hey!
[11:23] Ichi
    You wanna say that again?
    That was unforgivable.
[11:26] Kara
    It's your job to support us!
[11:29] Plum
    Exactly. So we're going to do everything
    we can to support you comedically,
[11:33] Plum
    since you're not that funny anymore.
[11:35] All
    Hey!
[11:36] Ichi
    AI can't pull that off.
[11:38] Salmon
    And, just in case this comedy
    thing doesn't work out for us,
[11:40] Salmon
    we have a voice function that
    allows us to do various voices,
[11:44] Salmon
    so we'll settle for being
    voice actors if we have to.
[11:46] All
    Hey!
[11:46] oso
    Don't underestimate voice actors.
[11:48] Kara
    What do you mean you'll settle?
[11:51] Todo
    What's with you? What's your
    estimated value right now?
[11:56] Todo
    Hello? What's your expected
    value toward comedy?
[12:02] Todo
    Huh?
[12:03] Oso
    Support us, damn it!
[12:05] Oso
    We're all still NEETs! With no girlfriends!
[12:07] Oso
    What're you going to do
    about this huge problem?!
[12:09] Both
    Sheeeh!
[12:11] Oso
    Hey! They avoided the question!
[12:13] Oso
    Stop!
[12:14] Jyushi
    Hold it!
[12:18] Kara
    Damn those jackasses!
[12:19] Todo
    There's no way AI can do comedy!
[12:22] Oso
    And win a competition? Yeah, right!
[12:24] Ichi
    Pfft. A-1, my ass.
SIGN    Appearing Today
SIGN    Riceballs
[13:08] Jyushi
    What's the matter, Choromatsu-niisan?
[13:10] Choro
    I need to find something to do in life, too.
[13:13] Jyushi
    Say what?
[13:14] Choro
    Something to do... What is it?
[13:16] Choro
    Something for me to do...
    Where's it written?!
[13:19] Choro
    Where? Is it here? Where?!
[13:21] Choro
    Where is the answer?!
[13:24] Jyushi
    What's wrong with you?! Calm down!
[13:26] Jyushi
    Choromatsu-niisan?!
[13:31] Jyushi
    Come on, what the heck happened?
SIGN    Looking for  participants!
SIGN    Starting on  the Xth of Y!!
[13:37] Jyushi
    The A-1 Grand Prix.
[13:40] Jyushi
    What about it?
[13:41] Choro
    Watching the Riceballs work toward this
    made me realize I need to do something, too.
[13:47] Choro
    I mean... I mean, they're just so...
[13:49] Choro
    sparkly!
[13:51] Choro
    At first, there was a part
    of me that mocked them.
[13:54] Choro
    But it's beautiful how hard they're working.
[13:57] Choro
    People who find something
    to do are so sparkly.
[14:00] Plum
    We blew it.
[14:01] Salmon
    Let's die.
[14:03] Choro
    You know how I support Totoko-chan
    and Nyaa-chan, right?
[14:06] Choro
    That's the same deal! They're so sparkly!
[14:11] Choro
    Chibita's all sparkly from working
    so hard at his oden stand.
[14:15] Chibi
    I'm in the red again.
[14:16] Choro
    That's why...
[14:17] Choro
    I want to sparkle, too!
[14:19] Choro
    I'm going to sparkle starting today!
[14:21] Choro
    Sparkle! Sparkle!
[14:24] Jyushi
    Th-This is...
[14:24] Choro
    Sparkle!
[14:27] Jyushi
    When you see someone sparkling after
    they found something they want to do,
[14:29] Jyushi
    you feel the sudden urge
    to do something yourself.
[14:33] Jyushi
    It's a phenomenon called
    "sparkle phantom stream."
SIGN    Sparkle Phantom Stream
[14:38] Choro
    Jyushimatsu!
[14:40] Choro
    You'll cheer me on, right?
[14:42] Choro
    You'll cheer me on so I can find
    something I want to do, too, right?
[14:53] Jyushi
    O-O-O-Of course I'll support you.
[14:56] Choro
    Thank you!
[14:58] Jyushi
    Karamatsu-niisan, help me out here.
[15:02] Jyushi
    Damn you, Exclusivematsu!
[15:04] Choro
    I wonder what I want to do, though.
[15:06] Choro
    What do you think it is, Jyushimatsu?
[15:08] Jyushi
    No idea. I don't think that's
    something you ask other people.
[15:11] Choro
    I wonder what it is...
[15:20] Jyushi
    Um...
[15:23] Jyushi
    Don't you have anything you like,
     Choromatsu-niisan?
[15:26] Choro
    Something I like?
[15:28] Choro
    Idols, anime, manga, light novels...
[15:32] Jyushi
    Maybe something dealing with those?
[15:48] Choro
    Nope.
[15:48] Jyushi
    Huh?
[15:49] Choro
    I mean, I just like those things.
[15:51] Choro
    I don't want to actually
    do something with them.
[15:53] Choro
    I don't feel that passionately about them.
[15:56] Jyushi
    I see.
[15:57] Choro
    Man, what do I want to do?
[16:00] Choro
    I guess I don't really understand myself.
[16:02] Choro
    That's why I can't find the answer.
[16:04] Choro
    I need to find myself first.
[16:06] Choro
    Right, Jyushimatsu?
[16:09] Choro
    But finding yourself is really hard.
[16:12] Choro
    I mean, let's say your true self is here.
[16:15] Choro
    I want to find this guy, but the one
    looking for this guy is me, too.
[16:20] Choro
    This is Choromatsu and this is Choromatsu.
[16:23] Choro
    Who's the real Choromatsu? Is it you? Or you?
[16:27] Choro
    Well, which is it?
[16:30] Choro
    Okay, got it. I clearly need
    to go on a journey first.
[16:36] Jyushi
    Wait, hang on! Don't go
    on that trip just yet!
[16:38] Jyushi
    Crap! Choromatsu-niisan is definitely
    headed in the wrong direction.
[16:42] Jyushi
    I need to point him in the right direction.
[16:44] Jyushi
    But if I do that to him right now...
[16:47] Jyushi
    Choromatsu-niisan will probably die!
    That's why I can't tell him.
[16:50] Jyushi
    How do I get this through to him?
[16:55] Jyushi
    Karamatsu-niisan's finally making a move!
[16:59] Kara
    Heh, Brother.
[17:01] Kara
    A journey, eh? That's a great idea.
[17:03] Kara
    Good luck. Have a nice journey!
[17:05] Choro
    Thanks!
[17:07] Jyushi
    Don't push him further down this path!
[17:08] Choro
    You're so nice, Karamatsu.
[17:10] Jyushi
    Or he's just toxic!
[17:16] Choro
    Hey, this looks good.
[17:18] Choro
    I think I can do this.
[17:22] Choro
    DIY!
[17:25] Jyushi
    Where'd this come from?
    You never mentioned this before.
[17:28] Choro
    I've been interested in it for a while.
[17:30] Jyushi
    This is the first I'm hearing about it.
[17:31] Choro
    I've always wanted to do this.
[17:33] Jyushi
    This is the first I'm hearing about it.
[17:34] Choro
    So, DYI.
[17:35] Jyushi
    Huh?
[17:37] Choro
    Support me.
[17:39] Jyushi
    Huh?
[17:45] Jyushi
    I got these from the mountain back there.
[17:48] Jyushi
    I borrowed these from Dekapan...
[17:51] Jyushi
    and these from Chibita.
[17:53] Jyushi
    Well, you've got what you need. Have at it.
[18:07] Choro
    This isn't it.
[18:08] Jyushi
    What?!
[18:09] Choro
    It seems like a lot of work.
     And I might get hurt.
[18:11] Choro
    Also, I'm not that interested.
[18:14] Choro
    It can't be something I thought
    of in five seconds, Jyushimatsu.
[18:17] Choro
    I don't see myself becoming sparkly with this.
[18:20] Jyushi
    It took me a while to get all this stuff...
[18:22] Choro
    Anyway, I found something great.
SIGN    Solo Camping
[18:25] Choro
    Solo camping.
[18:26] Choro
    I think this is perfect. You know
    how much I like nature, right?
[18:29] Jyushi
    This is the first I'm hearing about it.
[18:31] Choro
    You can't always rely only your brain.
    Moving your body is important, too.
[18:35] Jyushi
    Then why not just do some DIY?
[18:36] Choro
    I'm gonna go camping.
[18:38] Jyushi
    Huh?
[18:39] Choro
    Support me.
[18:41] Jyushi
    Huh?
[18:49] Jyushi
    All done!
[18:52] Choro
    This isn't it.
[18:53] Jyushi
    Huh?!
[18:54] Choro
    There are bugs everywhere!
    I can't deal with bugs!
[18:58] Choro
    I don't see myself becoming sparkly with this.
[19:03] Choro
    So, I found something great...
[19:11] Choro
    This isn't it.
[19:12] Choro
    I don't have time to help out others.
[19:15] Choro
    I'm the one who needs help here.
[19:17] Choro
    So, I found something great...
[19:21] Choro
    This isn't it.
[19:23] Choro
    This isn't it.
[19:26] Choro
    This isn't it.
[19:30] Choro
    Good grief.
[19:32] Choro
    I guess whatever I want to do doesn't exist.
[19:36] Choro
    Man, this world sucks... Huh?
[19:44] Jyushi
    Get a clue! Your own image is barely there!
    You're too easily influenced by others!
[19:48] Jyushi
    You keep saying it's too much
    trouble or work, but of course it is!
[19:50] Jyushi
    Of course you can't keep it up! Because
    you didn't decide this for yourself!
[19:54] Jyushi
    Like you'll ever find something
    you actually want to do, dumbass!
[19:58] Choro
    Sorry, this is all my fault.
[20:01] Choro
    But let me just say this.
[20:04] Choro
    Shut up.
[20:05] Jyushi
    Huh?
[20:06] Choro
    Shut the hell up!
[20:07] Choro
    I know that, okay?! You're the
    ones who don't understand!
[20:11] Jyushi
    Choromatsu-niisan?
[20:13] Choro
    It's not like I want to actually
    find something I want to do!
[20:16] Choro
    I just want to sparkle, damn it!
[20:18] Choro
    That's my main goal here!
[20:19] Jyushi
    What?! You're admitting that?!
[20:21] Choro
    Well, everyone else is all sparkly!
[20:23] Choro
    I'm the only one not sparkling!
[20:25] Choro
    But I don't really have
    anything I want to do.
[20:27] Choro
    It's not like I can find it.
    I don't even know how to find it!
[20:30] Choro
    I think I finally found it,
    but it's an illusion!
[20:32] Choro
    Then, if I create something I
    want to do, I get told it's fake!
[20:36] Choro
    So what the hell am I supposed to do?!
[20:38] Choro
    How am I supposed to sparkle?!
[20:40] Choro
    How do you all do it?!
[20:42] Choro
    God damn it! Damn you all!
[20:44] Jyushi
    Hey, what's the big idea?!
[20:50] Kara
    Th-They're...
[21:02] Kara
    They're totally sparkling...
[21:04] Kara
    I can't get left behind!
[21:06] Kara
    Guys!
[21:21] Oso
    The hell are you guys doing?
[21:24] Oso
    Yikes, you're creepy!
[21:26] Choro
    Osomatsu-niisan! We finally
    found our calling in life!
[21:29] Jyushi
    We did!
[21:30] Kara
    We sure did!
[21:32] All
    Ta-da!
[21:33] All
    We're going to raise a goldfish!
[21:36] Oso
    Huh?
[21:37] Jyushi
    The three of us are gonna work super hard...
[21:39] Kara
    ...to take care of this goldfish every day.
[21:43] Choro
    Well? Am I sparkling?
[21:45] Both
    You are!
[21:47] Both
    Are we sparkly?
[21:48] Choro
    You sure are!
[21:50] All
    Sparkle! Sparkle!
[21:53] Some
    Aw, sparkly...
[21:55] Ichi
    I see it's begun again this year.
SIGN    End
[21:57] Todo
    It sure has...
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:31] Choro
    I'm Matsuno Choromatsu.
[23:32] Choro
    Next week, we have "Cosplaymatsu."
[23:34] Choro
    It's a story where we'll be in
    different outfits doing "that."
[23:37] Choro
    If you're ever going to wear
    different outfits and do "that,"
[23:40] Choro
    please make sure to invite me.
[23:41] Choro
    I'll come watch.
[23:43] Choro
    I'm Matsuno Choromatsu.
[23:45] Choro
    Huh? What's "that"?
[23:47] Choro
    Huh?! Why would you ask something so lewd?!
SIGN    "Cosplaymatsu"
[23:51] Choro
    Just where are you from?!

E15 - Cosplaymatsu
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:00] Kara
    I don't want this.
[01:36] Atsushi
    I'm done with this world!
[01:38] Choro
    Oh, dear. What should we do?
[01:40] Jyushi
    Hey, perfect timing.
[01:43] Choro
    Officer!
[01:44] Choro
    We've got a situation!
    Someone's about to jump!
[01:47] Jyushi
    Look! Right up there!
[01:50] Ichi
    Ah, nothing I can do about that.
[01:52] Both
    Huh?
[01:53] Choro
    Wait, wait! You need to stop him!
SIGN    Nothing I Can Do Police
[01:55] Jyushi
    He'll die if you don't!
[01:57] Ichi
    Nothing I can do.
[01:59] Choro
    Yes, there is!
[02:00] Jyushi
    Hurry! Use this!
[02:01] Ichi
    Uh...
[02:03] Ichi
    What?
[02:06] Ichi
    So, hey... You up there.
[02:08] Choro
    You're so quiet! Project!
[02:11] Ichi
    You there. Don't do anything stupid.
[02:13] Atsushi
    Shut up! I'm just going to end it all!
[02:15] Ichi
    Don't. It'll be a mess
    There'll be nothing we can do.
[02:19] Atsushi
    What do you mean?!
    As if you could understand my pain!
[02:22] Atsushi
    I feel all alone at work.
[02:25] Ichi
    For real? Well, nothing you can do,
    then. Go ahead and jump.
[02:28] All
    Huh?!
[02:29] Ichi
    Three, two, one...
[02:32] Choro
    Why are you counting down?!
    We're telling you to stop him!
[02:35] Ichi
    Nothing I can do.
[02:37] Choro
    Talk him out of it!
[02:38] Jyushi
    You're a police officer, aren't you?!
[02:39] Ichi
    Nothing I can do, I guess.
[02:47] Choro
    Why are you jumping instead?
[02:48] Ichi
    Nothing I can do.
[02:50] Jyushi
    What do you mean?!
[02:51] Ichi
    Nothing we can do.
[02:53] Choro
    Why are we all jumping?!
[02:55] Jyushi
    This is messed up! Let's not!
[02:56] Ichi
    Nothing we can do, though, right?
[02:59] Choro
    Forget it! Just stay out of this!
[03:02] Choro
    Hey, you!
[03:03] Choro
    We're all going through
    a rough time right now.
[03:05] Choro
    Buck up!
[03:07] Choro
    I'm sure you can do the
    same as everyone else.
[03:10] Choro
    Have more confidence in yourself!
[03:12] Ichi
    Shut up!
[03:14] Ichi
    It's because guys like you
    exist that I want to die!
[03:17] Ichi
    Everyone's the same? It's because
     nobody's the same that shit sucks!
[03:21] Ichi
    You go over the side.
[03:23] Choro
    What?!
[03:24] Ichi
    Die! Jump!
[03:25] Choro
    Stop!
[03:26] Ichi
    Nothing I can do, then.
[03:28] Ichi
    Guess I'll jump.
[03:29] Both
    Please don't!
[03:30] Ichi
    We can all go, then.
[03:31] Both
    Why?!
[03:38] Atsuhi
    Thank you very much.
[03:40] Atsushi
    You gave me something to live for.
[03:43] Ichi
    I didn't. There was just
    nothing I could do about it.
[03:46] Ichi
    You're the one who made this decision.
[03:53] Girl
    Atsushi-kun!
[03:55] Girl
    I was so worried!
[03:58] Ichi
    And who's this?
[04:01] Atsushi
    My girlfriend.
[04:04] Both
    Hey, hey, hey!
[04:05] Choro
    Nothing we can do about that!
[04:07] Jyushi
    Yeah!
[04:08] Both
    There's nothing we can do about it!
SIGN    End
SIGN    President of the  Neighborhood  Association
SIGN    The Earnest  Old Guy
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[04:14] Kara
    What?
SIGN    Maid
[04:16] Kara
    M-Maids? At an oden stand?
SIGN    The Hell?! Maid
[04:21] Kara
    Chibita?!
[04:23] Kara
    I know you lost business because of COVID,
    but I think you have the wrong idea!
[04:26] Chibi
    I'm glad ya done came home.
    The hell?! Master, you idjit!
[04:30] Kara
    He got that wrong in every way!
[04:32] Kara
    No maid talks like that!
[04:34] Chibi
    I'll be the one feedin' ya today.
[04:37] Chibi
    I'm the Rockheaded Meowytweet
    Moe-Moe Tweedledee Chibita.
SIGN    Maid in Oden
[04:41] Kara
    You probably don't need the "Rockheaded" part.
[04:43] Chibita
    Let's moe-moe kyun-kyun and heal together.
[04:46] Kara
    There's nothing healing
    about this. It hurts.
[04:48] Chibita
    Here's your menu!
[04:50] Chibita
    We have Meowy Meow Daikyun,
[04:51] Chibita
    Squee-Squee Eggies,
[04:53] Chibita
    Moe-Moe Kyonjac,
[04:54] Chibita
    Tweedledee Meowy Meow Beef Twendon,
[04:56] Chibita
    and Moe-Moe Doot-Do-Doo Meowy Meow
    Ota-Ota Kyun-Kyun Chikuwa-tan.
[05:00] Kara
    What did you even say? It all sounds gross.
SIGN    Karamatsu-tan  I wuv, wuv, wuv you
[05:02] Kara
    I can't eat this! It's like a punishment!
[05:05] Chibita
    Now I'll put a spell on this drink
    to make it extra delicious.
[05:08] Chibita
    Master, please repeat after me.
[05:11] Kara
    What? You're making me participate
    in this hell, too? Seriously?
[05:15] Chibita
    The hell?
SIGN    Maid in Oden
[05:17] Kara
    What?
[05:18] Chibita
    The hell?
[05:19] Kara
    Th-Th-The hell?
[05:22] Chibi
    You idjit!
[05:22] Kara
    You idjit?
[05:24] Chibi
    Damn it!
[05:25] Kara
    The hell kind of spell is this?!
[05:26] Chibita
    The hell?! You idjit! Damn it!
[05:30] Chibi
    Moe, moe!
[05:31] Chibi
    Now, let's see what color
    your drink turned out to be!
[05:36] Chibi
    It's brown!
[05:37] Chibi
    It's oden soup!
[05:39] Chibi
    Moe, moe! Moe, moe!
[05:43] Kara
    He just jacked up his throat.
[05:45] Chibi
    Nothing says "maid café" like photo ops.
SIGN    Maid in Oden
[05:47] Kara
    I don't want one.
SIGN    Come again! Chibita
[05:49] Chibi
    Here you go, Master.
SIGN    Karamatsu
[05:51] Chibi
    Hand over 5,000 yen, you idjit.
[05:53] Kara
    Now you're scamming me?!
[05:55] Chibi
    Nothing says "maid café"
    like fun games to play!
[05:58] Chibi
    Kabu.
[06:00] Chibi
    InoShikaCho.
[06:03] Chibi
    Matching dice! Times three!
[06:04] Kara
    No maid would play these games!
[06:07] Chibi
    I'm going to sing!
[06:11] Chibi
    Eggs, konjac, daikon, chikuwabu!
SIGN    Karamatsu-tan I wuv, wuv, wuv you!
[06:17] Chibi
    Let's have some hot oden
[06:20] Chibi
    The hell?! You idjit! Damn it!
[06:22] Chibi
    It's okay if I'm small
[06:24] Chibi
    It's okay if I'm bald
[06:25] Chibi
    I'm still a maid at this stand
[06:29] Chibi
    Eggs, konjac, daikon, chikuwabu!
[06:30] Kara
    Chibita! Come back to us!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Moe Kyun 
    Chibita
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[06:35] Chibi
    Damn it!
SIGN    No  Chance  Trial
[06:39] Choro
    May I, Your Honor?
[06:42] Choro
    The defendant's rudeness
    is truly despicable.
[06:45] Choro
    He has no problem farting
    when others are around.
[06:48] Choro
    Even when we're eating!
[06:50] Choro
    He'll even raise his butt halfway up to do it.
[06:54] Choro
    There are times when he'll fart
    in your face as he walks by.
[06:58] Choro
    The prosecution demands payment
    of 100,000 yen in damages!
[07:03] Oso
    100,000 yen?!
SIGN    Objection!
[07:04] Kara
    Objection!
[07:05] Kara
    That's asking far too much!
[07:07] Kara
    We're talking about him doing this at home!
[07:09] Choro
    And he's bothering us!
[07:11] Choro
    He does this all the time!
[07:13] Kara
    It's just a physiological
    phenomena. He can't help it.
[07:15] Choro
    Your Honor, I ask for a fair deliberation.
[07:21] Todo
    Death.
[07:26] Choro
    Your Honor?
[07:27] Kara
    Please wait, Your Honor!
[07:29] Kara
    D-Death? Really?
[07:31] Todo
    Death.
[07:32] Kara
    Isn't that a bit harsh?
[07:33] Choro
    Even the prosecution isn't
    asking for that much.
[07:36] Todo
    Death.
[07:39] Oso
    I regret my actions!
[07:42] Oso
    I was a fool...
[07:44] Oso
    I took advantage of my family.
[07:46] Oso
    Please forgive me!
[07:48] Oso
    I'm so sorry!
[07:51] Choro
    Do you truly regret your actions?
[07:53] Oso
    Yes!
[07:54] Choro
    So you'll never fart again
    when you shouldn't?
[07:57] Oso
    I won't!
[07:59] Choro
    Your Honor.
[08:00] Choro
    It appears that the defendant
    truly does regret his actions,
[08:04] Choro
    so the prosecution would like
    to retract the accusation.
[08:10] Todo
    Death.
[08:10] Kara
    What?!
SIGN    Punishment
[08:12] Choro
    Your Honor...
[08:13] Kara
    Were you listening at all?
[08:15] Kara
    He retracted the accusation!
[08:17] Todo
    Death.
[08:18] Choro
    No, wait. The prosecution
    has forgiven him...
[08:21] Todo
    That's nice. But I'm never
    going to forgive him.
[08:24] Kara
    Wait, wait, wait. He clearly felt bad!
[08:27] Todo
    He's just saying that now.
[08:28] Todo
    He'll do it again.
[08:29] Todo
    Come on. People don't change that easily.
[08:33] Todo
    Trouble's always trouble.
[08:35] Todo
    "Did he really change? Is he all better?"
[08:38] Todo
    You get your hopes up, and we're the ones
[08:40] Todo
    who get hurt when he hasn't
    changed a damn bit, so...
[08:43] Todo
    Death!
[08:44] Kara
    We've called a witness!
[08:46] Todo
    A witness?
[08:46] Kara
    His family. Get in here!
[08:50] Ichi
    This is partially his family's fault for
    not being able to properly discipline him.
[08:54] Jyushi
    We're to blame, too.
[08:56] Ichi
    But he's not a total piece of shit.
[08:58] Jyushi
    He's fun to be around, so I hope you'll—
[09:01] Todo
    Death.
[09:02] Kara
    He wasn't done yet, Your Honor!
SIGN    Punishment
[09:04] Todo
    There are plenty of guys
[09:05] Todo
    who aren't total pieces of shit
    who are fun to be around.
[09:09] Todo
    There are plenty of people out there who
    are good, even if their families are shit.
[09:13] Todo
    Death.
[09:15] Todo
    Right. Let's make that sentence happen.
[09:16] Oso
    Wha? Wait! Hey!
[09:17] Choro
    You're carrying it out yourself?!
[09:19] Oso
    Please! Give me one more chance!
[09:21] Todo
    No chance.
[09:22] Oso
    One chance!
[09:22] Todo
    No chance.
[09:23] Oso
    One chance!
SIGN    Punishment
[09:26] Todo
    Do you really regret your actions?
[09:27] Oso
    Y-Yes! I promise never to randomly fart again!
[09:30] Oso
    I can change!
[09:33] Todo
    All right, fine.
[09:37] Todo
    Death.
[09:38] Oso
    What?!
[09:44] Choro
    I guess some people just can't let things go.
SIGN    End
[09:46] Kara
    I guess.
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[09:54] Choro
    Hello! It's me, Choromatsu!
SIGN    Reborn as a Mosquito
[09:56] Choro
    I turned into a mosquito!
[09:58] Choro
    Buzz, buzz.
[10:01] Choro
    So how did I end up a mosquito, you ask?
[10:03] Choro
    Well, you see...
[10:05] (Flashback) Choro
    Aw, man. I just can't get popular.
[10:08] (Flashback) Choro
    I want to meet some girl and talk,
    hold hands, and go out on dates!
[10:15] (Flashback) Choro
    My sexual desires are just building up.
[10:19] (Flashback) Choro
    Huh?
[10:21] (Flashback) Choro
    Whoa! I turned into a mosquito!
[10:25] Choro
    Now I can suck the blood of
    as many cute girls as I want!
[10:29] Choro
    Slurp! Yummy!
[10:30] Choro
    Slurp! Yummy! Like that.
[10:34] Choro
    Are you guys creeped out? Because I sure am.
[10:37] Choro
    This is super creepy.
[10:39] Choro
    But I'm a mosquito, so what're you gonna do?
[10:43] Choro
    Buzz, buzz...
[10:45] Choro
    Oh, hey! It's Totoko-chan!
SIGN    Uochuu
[10:47] Choro
    Guess I'll have to get a taste
    of her naughty exposed legs!
[10:53] Choro
    Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz...
[10:58] Choro
    It's no use. I can't.
[11:00] Choro
    I just can't do it! The guilt...
[11:03] Choro
    I'm too nervous! I'm getting cold feet.
[11:06] Bad
    What the hell are you doing, Choromatsu? Go!
[11:08] Bad
    You're a perv, aren't you? Now go suck!
[11:11] Choro
    B-But...
[11:12] Bad
    You're supposed to suck. You're a mosquito.
[11:16] Choro
    True.
[11:17] Bad
    Now go suck!
[11:18] Choro
    I will!
[11:19] Choro
    Buzz...
[11:22] Choro
    I just can't do it...
[11:25] Choro
    Aw, Totoko-chan, wait up.
[11:28] Choro
    My precious exposed legs...
[11:30] Choro
    Damn it! Damn it all!
[11:34] Choro
    But I am a mosquito, so I want 
    to suck up some blood.
[11:37] Choro
    Nothing else I can do.
[11:38] Choro
    I'll have to settle with him.
[11:41] ---
    Slurp...
[11:42] Choro
    This tastes like shit!
[11:47] Ichi
    Tch.
SIGN    End
SIGN    Mister
[11:54] Kids
    Mr. Osomatsu, let's play!
SIGN    Matsu
[12:00] Oso
    You brats again?
[12:02] Kids
    Mr. Osomatsu!
[12:03] Oso
    I told you guys not to come here.
[12:06] Oso
    I'm pretty dangerous, you know.
[12:08] Ichi
    Let's play, Mister.
[12:10] Todo
    Let's play!
[12:11] Oso
    Nope. Go home.
[12:13] Oso
    Your parents are gonna get mad.
[12:15] Oso
    At me, that is!
[12:19] Jyushi
    I brought these.
[12:21] Jyushi
    Pachinko balls.
[12:23] Oso
    All right, let's play.
[12:24] All
    Yay!
[12:28] Choro
    What should we play today, Mr. Osomatsu?
[12:30] Kara
    I wanna see a picture card show!
[12:32] Oso
    A picture card show?
    That's a pain in the ass.
[12:37] Oso
    All right, let's do this.
[12:38] All
    Yay!
SIGN    The Tortoise and the Hare
[12:41] Oso
    Well, here we go.
    "The Tortoise and the Hare."
[12:43] Kids
    Yay!
[12:45] Oso
    Once upon a time, there was
    a tortoise and a hare.
[12:48] Hare
    Let's race to the top of that mountain!
[12:52] Oso
    The hare was fast.
[12:53] Oso
    The tortoise was slow.
[12:55] Oso
    Their difference in skill was apparent.
SIGN    However!
[12:58] Oso
    However!
[13:00] Oso
    The hare took his skills for
    granted and slacked off.
[13:03] Oso
    Meanwhile, the tortoise just kept
    working hard, slowly and steadily.
[13:07] Oso
    He eventually caught up with the hare,
SIGN    Would you believe it?!
[13:09] Oso
    and would you believe it?!
SIGN    Goal
[13:10] Oso
    The one who reached the finish
    line first was the tortoise!
[13:13] Jyushi
    The tortoise is awesome!
[13:14] Ichi
    So cool...
[13:16] Todo
    He's so great.
[13:17] Oso
    However...
SIGN    Goal
[13:19] Oso
    The place that the tortoise thought was
    the goal was not actually the goal.
SIGN    Nope
[13:23] Oso
    His journey down the road
    of life still continued on.
SIGN    Life
[13:26] Oso
    The tortoise was quite tired,
    but he continued running anyway.
[13:31] Oso
    And then the hare,
[13:32] Oso
    who had reflected on his actions,
    came flying by at incredible speed.
[13:37] Oso
    The hare was on a roll and
    thought he was number one,
[13:41] Oso
    but then he saw the shadows of the
    amazing ones in front of him.
[13:45] Oso
    That's right.
[13:46] Oso
    The true hares who were always modest,
    never slacked, and always worked hard.
SIGN    The Real Deal
[13:51] Oso
    Society is actually filled
    with these assholes.
[13:53] Oso
    They're all amazing.
    You just can't beat them.
[13:55] Oso
    And in front of the true hare was a cheetah.
[14:00] Oso
    And in front of him was a true cheetah.
[14:03] Oso
    And in front of him was something that
    was born with wings and could fly.
[14:08] Oso
    And in front of him were even
    more truly amazing runners.
[14:11] Oso
    No one actually knew who
    was in front anymore.
[14:15] Oso
    They're too powerful.
[14:17] Oso
    There are too many people above you.
[14:19] Oso
    After the tortoise found out how
    society worked, he thought...
[14:23] Oso
    "So this is the difference in talent?
     No amount of hard work is going to fix this."
[14:27] Oso
    "All right. I'm done competing with others."
[14:32] Oso
    "I'm out."
[14:34] Oso
    That's when the tortoise discovered alcohol,
SIGN    Tortoise  Tales
[14:36] Oso
    he got hooked on gambling,
[14:37] Oso
    his wife left him,
[14:38] Oso
    he struggled paying child support,
SIGN    Balance
SIGN    Turtle Tortoise  Bank
[14:40] Oso
    he ended up in a ton of debt, and...
[14:43] Oso
    So, who could this tortoise be?
[14:46] Oso
    The answer is...
[14:49] Oso
    It's me!
[15:01] Kara
    Are you crying, Mister?
[15:05] Choro
    Mister?
SIGN    End
[15:19] All
    Mister!
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    I Do What I Want Bartender
[15:27] Ichi
    I'm beat.
[15:29] Todo
    I just have to have a drink.
[15:31] Kara
    Welcome, ladies.
[15:36] Kara
    I'll take your orders whenever you're ready.
[15:39] Todo
    Oh, I'll take a draft beer.
[15:40] Ichi
    I'll have a highball.
[15:41] Kara
    Huh?
[15:44] Kara
    Uh, sure. You got it.
[15:48] Ichi
    I wonder what that was about.
[15:50] Todo
    Yeah.
[16:04] Kara
    Sorry to keep you waiting. Here are
    your Karamatsu original cocktails,
[16:08] Kara
    "I Love You" and "Oh, My Little Gir."
[16:11] Todo
    That's not what we ordered.
[16:12] Kara
    Huh?
[16:13] Ichi
    I asked for a highball.
[16:15] Todo
    I asked for a draft beer.
[16:15] Kara
    You really just want a draft beer?
[16:18] Todo
    What? That's why I asked for one.
[16:20] Kara
    Seriously? A highball?
[16:21] Ichi
    What?
[16:23] Kara
    Okay, I guess.
[16:29] Todo
    Uh, that's clearly not a draft beer!
[16:32] Todo
    Why are you looking over here?
[16:34] Ichi
    Stop looking over here.
[16:36] Kara
    Thank you for waiting. I've created the
    perfect cocktails for you beautiful ladies.
[16:40] Kara
    Dog Drool and Cat Shit.
[16:43] Kara
    And here's the perfect cocktail for me:
[16:46] Kara
    "Who Is the Perfect Nice Guy?
    Yes, Karamatsu Clinic."
[16:51] Kara
    What? For me? You shouldn't have.
[16:55] Both
    Hold it!
[16:56] Todo
    Draft beer!
[16:57] Ichi
    Highball!
[16:58] Todo
    And why is your drink obviously
    better than ours?!
[17:01] Todo
    How much does that cost?!
[17:03] Todo
    Don't drink it!
[17:05] Ichi
    You're totally serving customers
    what you want to serve them
[17:08] Ichi
    rather than making what
    they ordered, aren't you?
[17:10] Kara
    Gulp!
[17:10] Ichi
    That's not good. Serve what
    your customers ask for.
[17:13] Todo
    A draft beer.
[17:14] Ichi
    A highball, please.
[17:16] Kara
    Coming right up.
[17:20] Kara
    Damn it!
[17:21] Kara
    Who the hell orders a draft
    beer and a highball?!
[17:24] Kara
    I can make drinks that are even
    better and more delicious!
[17:26] Kara
    They're totally better!
[17:28] Todo
    Uh, we can hear you.
[17:29] Kara
    But what can you do, Karamatsu?
    This is your job, Karamatsu.
[17:33] Kara
    Grow up, Karamatsu!
    You've got this, Karamatsu!
[17:35] Kara
    Don't let them get you down, Karamatsu!
[17:37] Ichi
    How many times are you
    going to say your name?
[17:48] Kara
    Nope!
[17:49] Both
    What?!
[17:54] Kara
    Sorry to keep you waiting!
     Here's my ultimate masterpiece...
[17:57] Kara
    "The Karamatsu Mountain!"
[18:01] Kara
    Huh? No one's here. Well, whatever.
[18:04] Kara
    This is great! The best!
    So fancy! Great taste!
[18:10] Kara
    Thanks for the drinks! I'll come back again!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    A Restaurant Filled with Mysteries
[18:17] Oso
    Man, I'm starving.
[18:19] Oso
    Why don't we grab a bite around here?
[18:21] Choro
    Sure.
[18:22] Oso
    Wait, was this place always here?
[18:25] Choro
    Nope. I've never seen it before.
[18:28] Oso
    What language is this supposed to be?
[18:30] Choro
    There sure are a lot of restaurants
    serving some niche country's food.
[18:34] Oso
    Wanna go in?
[18:35] Choro
    Sure.
[18:39] Oso
    What country is this?
[18:40] Choro
    I have no idea.
[18:42] Jyushi
    Welcome, please!
[18:45] Oso
    Holy shit! That sure is a look!
[18:47] Choro
    What country are you from?
[18:48] Jyushi
    Who farted?
[18:51] Both
    Huh?
[18:52] Jyushi
    Who farted?
[18:55] Both
    What?
[18:56] Jyushi
    Oh, mistake. I'm sorry.
[18:59] Jyushi
    Japanese is hard.
[19:01] Jyushi
    For two?
[19:03] Choro
    What kind of mistake is that?
[19:04] Oso
    Yeah, for two.
[19:06] Jyushi
    No pants, no problem?
[19:09] Both
    What?
[19:10] Jyushi
    No pants, no problem?
[19:12] Both
    Say what?
[19:15] Jyushi
    Mistake again.
[19:16] Jyushi
    I'm sorry.
[19:18] Jyushi
    Have a seat wherever you like.
[19:20] Choro
    Seriously, what kind of mistake is that?
[19:27] Oso
    I can't read this at all.
[19:29] Choro
    Here, let's ask.
[19:30] Choro
    Um, excuse me.
[19:34] Choro
    Sorry to bug you while you're meditating.
[19:38] Jyushi
    Who farted?
[19:39] Oso
    You've got it wrong again.
[19:40] Jyushi
    No pants, no problem?
[19:42] Oso
    Just stop.
[19:43] Choro
    What country's food does
    this restaurant serve?
[19:48] Jyushi
    Jyushimatsu.
[19:50] Both
    Jyushimatsu?
[19:51] Oso
    Wait, have you ever heard of that country?
[19:53] Choro
    I definitely haven't.
[19:54] Oso
    Where's Jyushimatsu located?
[19:56] Jyushi
    You know where Nepal is?
[19:58] Oso
    Nepal... Sure.
[20:00] Jyushi
    Turn your back on Nepal,
[20:02] Jyushi
    and if you keep going straight, you're gonna
    run into the freeway, so take a right.
[20:06] Jyushi
    Then you're going to take a
    left at the second light...
[20:09] Both
    That's not helping.
[20:10] Choro
    You can't just use freeways and signals
    to describe where a country is.
[20:14] Jyushi
    The back side of the Himalayas.
[20:15] Choro
    The back side? What?
[20:16] Jyushi
    The opposite side of the road.
[20:18] Choro
    Wait, what?
[20:19] Oso
    Just tell us straight-up.
[20:23] Jyushi
    I can't give you the details.
[20:25] Jyushi
    Jyushimatsu is a very dangerous country.
[20:28] Oso
    Really?
[20:29] Jyushi
    It's a country filled with crime.
[20:31] Both
    What?
[20:32] Jyushi
    Never go there for vacation!
[20:34] Jyushi
    You'll never make it back alive!
[20:38] Jyushi
    Abah.
[20:41] Jyushi
    Is Jyushimatsu joke.
[20:44] Choro
    Where were we supposed to laugh?
[20:46] Oso
    I'm pretty hungry. Do you
    have any recommendations?
[20:49] Jyushi
    No recommendations.
[20:51] Oso
    Really?
[20:52] Jyushi
    All Jyushimatsu food is good food.
[20:55] Jyushi
    No famous dish and inedible
    to Japanese people.
[20:58] Choro
    Why'd you start a restaurant here, then?
[21:00] Jyushi
    Abah.
[21:02] Jyushi
    Is Jyushimatsu joke.
[21:05] Choro
    Tch.
[21:06] Oso
    Let's just order already.
[21:08] Oso
    Could you at least explain
    what the dishes are?
[21:11] Oso
    What's this?
[21:12] Jyushi
    That's uishomakkepoa.
[21:16] Oso
    Sorry, say that again?
[21:17] Jyushi
    Seishingalpakun.
[21:19] Oso
    You just changed it. This one right here.
[21:22] Jyushi
    Diskunofpakosuna.
[21:23] Oso
    Why does it keep changing?!
[21:25] Choro
    What kind of food is this?
[21:28] Jyushi
    Sheep's butthole.
[21:29] Both
    Hole?
[21:31] Choro
    What do you mean, hole?
    We're getting a hole?
[21:34] Oso
    What about this?
[21:34] Jyushi
    Sardine butthole.
[21:36] Jyushi
    Alligator nostril.
[21:38] Jyushi
    Pig earhole.
[21:40] Oso
    Are there only holes in this restaurant?
[21:43] Jyushi
    Yes, holes.
[21:46] Both
    They're actually holes.
[21:50] Jyushi
    Sirs, we're about to close up shop.
[21:53] Both
    What?!
[21:55] Oso
    But we haven't even eaten anything yet!
[21:56] Choro
    You're closing already?
    It's still lunchtime.
[22:01] Jyushi
    No come back again! I kill you!
[22:06] Both
    What...
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:39] Ichi
    Next time, we have "Nanmaider."
[23:41] Ichi
    Whenever something goes wrong,
    it's because of aliens.
[23:44] Ichi
    Thinking that really helps me sleep at night.
[23:47] Ichi
    Ah, I'm starting to feel good.
SIGN    "Nanmaider Attacks"   etc.
[23:50] Ichi
    Yeah, here it comes.

E16 - Nanmaider
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[01:36] Kaoruko
    The city filled with crime in
    the new future: Akatsuka City.
[01:41] Kaoruko
    In this city inhabited entirely by failures,
    labor reform was being attempted,
SIGN    Dekoboko  Corporation
[01:46] Kaoruko
    and the peace of the office
    was being threatened.
[01:51] Guy
    It's amazing! Apparently Section Chief Maezono
    succeeded in creating a new AI robot!
[01:56] Guy
    An AI robot?
[01:57] Guy
    Let's go see it!
[02:00] Guy
    Come on, Kaoruko-chan!
[02:02] Kaoruko
    Huh?
SIGN    AI Robot Completed
[02:07] Mae
    Listen well, all of you.
[02:08] Mae
    We are entering the age of AI.
[02:11] Mae
    A robot that will listen to any order...
[02:14] Mae
    He is the perfect employee.
[02:17] mae
    And his name is...
[02:22] Mae
    SaneCop.
[02:24] Mae
    He will be watching over your work.
[02:27] Mae
    He's basically this office's police officer.
[02:30] Mae
    Try not get arrested, you hear?
[02:39] Sane
    No slacking.
[02:42] Sane
    Do your work.
[02:43] Guy
    Save me!
[02:45] Sane
    I guess you get hungry
    even if you're worthless.
[02:54] Kaoruko
    What's your name?
[02:56] Sane
    SaneCop.
[02:58] Kaoruko
    Is it, though?
[02:59] Kaoruko
    Could your name actually be Sanemats—
[03:01] Mae
    It's SaneCop.
[03:03] Sane
    Boss.
[03:04] Mae
    Go, SaneCop.
[03:06] Sane
    Yes, boss.
[03:36] Kaoruko
    The way he's sitting...
[03:38] Kaoruko
    I knew it! It's Sanematsu-san!
[03:43] Kaoruko
    You're Sanematsu-san, aren't you?
[03:45] Kaoruko
    You were an employee working
    here until a few years ago,
[03:49] Kaoruko
    but you lost your life in
    an unexpected accident.
[03:53] Kaoruko
    It's me, Kaoruko.
[03:54] Kaoruko
    Don't you remember me, Sanematsu-san?
[03:57] Sane
    Sanema...
[04:01] Sane
    My head hurts!
[04:07] Sane
    Who am I?
[04:11] Kaoruko
    No! You're Sanematsu-san!
[04:14] Sane
    I'm SaneCop.
[04:15] Kaoruko
    You're Sanematsu-san!
[04:16] Sane
    I'm SaneCop.
[04:17] Kaoruko
    A few years ago, you used
    the company car and—
[04:21] Sane
    Stop!
[04:22] Sane
    I'm SaneCop.
[04:23] Sane
    I'm just a corporate slave AI.
    I don't have a real name.
SIGN    Sanematsu
SIGN    Deceased Died in an accident
[04:46] Sane
    Who... Who am I?
[04:56] (Flashback) Mae
    Sanematsu-kun, use this car today.
[05:00] (Flashback) Mae
    And be quick about it, you scum.
[05:43] (Flashback) Kaoru
    It can't be...
[05:48] (Flashback) Kaoru
    No!
SIGN    Dekoboko  Corporation
[06:00] Prez
    Maezono-kun, you've created
    yet another amazing product.
[06:06] Prez
    SaneCop... Because of him,
    our productivity's skyrocketing.
[06:11] Prez
    You're next in line to become president.
[06:13] Mae
    Thank you, sir.
[06:16] Prez
    I expect great things from you.
[06:20] Prez
    What's going on?
[06:26] Prez
    SaneCop!
[06:27] Mae
    What are you doing here?!
[06:29] Mae
    D-Don't tell me you managed to elude
[06:32] Mae
    the security AIs' pursuit all by yourself...
[06:35] Mae
    Impossible!
[06:40] Sane
    So it was you who killed me?
[06:44] Sane
    You meddled with the company car
    to make it look like an accident
SIGN    Violation
[06:48] Sane
    and made me into this.
[06:52] Prez
    Wh-What are you doing?
[06:55] Mae
    Have no fear. He's not going to shoot,
[06:58] Mae
    because he's just a corporate slave.
SIGN    Violation
[07:00] Mae
    I've programmed him to be unable
    to disobey his superiors.
[07:04] Mae
    That won't change as long
    as I'm your superior!
[07:14] Sane
    Stop slacking. Work.
[07:16] Sane
    Do your work.
[07:18] Sane
    I guess you get hungry
    even if you're worthless.
[07:21] Prez
    What's going on here?
[07:22] Prez
    Do you think you can get away
    with this abuse of power?!
[07:26] Prez
    If this gets exposed,
    our company's finished!
SIGN    Violation
[07:28] Prez
    Maezono, you're fired!
[07:32] Sane
    Thank you.
[07:46] Kaoruko
    Great job!
[07:57] Prez
    Well done. What's your name?
[08:03] Sane
    Sanematsu.
SIGN    Nanmaider Attacks
SIGN    Kichijoji Station
SIGN    Kichijoji
SIGN    Sake
[09:31] Iyami
    Great job. Yes, great job.
[09:35] Iyami
    Better work like your lives depend on it.
[09:38] Iyami
    And remember to pay lots in taxes.
[09:40] Iyami
    Me is going to drink delicious sake
    and eat delicious food with that money!
[09:50] Iyami
    Rich people! My favorite!
[09:53] Iyami
    Help a guy out, will ya?
[09:55] Lady
    Pervert!
[09:56] Lady
    Disgusting! What even is he?!
[09:58] Lady
    We'll catch his poorness!
[09:59] Iyami
    Please wait, my ladies!
[10:02] Iyami
    My ladies!
[10:04] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[10:09] Iyami
    It's my lucky day!
[10:12] Iyami
    Me is so hot.
SIGN    Obey
SIGN    Super Cheap 
    Apartments
SIGN    Obey
[10:22] Sign
    Remain Calm    Don't Panic    Don't Draw Attention to Yourself    Obey
[10:25] Iyami
    What the heck?
[10:30] Iyami
    Sh-Sheeeh!
[10:35] ---
    Matsuno
[10:39] Oso
    Congrats!
[10:41] Todo
    Congrats!
[10:42] Jyushi
    Congrats!
[10:43] Ichi
    Congrats.
[10:45] Choro
    Congrats!
[10:46] Kara
    Congrats!
[10:47] Oso
    Congrats to us for getting jobs!
[10:51] Dad
    Isn't this great, Mom?
[10:53] Mom
    Yes, for real! Took you
    long enough, for real!
[10:57] Dad
    So you've all finally found jobs.
[11:00] Dad
    I'm so proud of you.
[11:01] Dad
    Do your best!
[11:03] Dad
    The only thing I look forward to
    in life is for you all to make it big!
[11:07] Dad
    Matsuzou's rooting for you!
[11:09] Mom
    So is Matsuyo! You have my support!
[11:13] Dad
    Oh, thank goodness!
[11:14] Mom
    Seriously!
[11:17] Dad
    I'm gonna go take a piss.
[11:21] Iyami
    Good evening.
[11:22] Dad
    Jeez, you startled me!
[11:24] Dad
    What do you want?!
[11:31] Dad
    What?
[11:37] Iyami
    They're fakes.
[11:39] Iyami
    Those six aren't your sons.
[11:42] Dad
    Huh? What are you talking about?
[11:45] Iyami
    Put these on and have a look.
[11:47] Dad
    Sunglasses? But why?
[11:49] Iyami
    Just do it.
[11:50] Iyami
    Put these on and look at those six.
[11:52] Dad
    Cut it out.
[11:54] Dad
    Listen. We're celebrating the fact
    that my very good sons got jobs.
[11:58] Dad
    Don't ruin the mood!
[11:59] Iyami
    I'm telling you, those aren't your
    sextuplets. They're fakes.
[12:03] Dad
    What's your problem?!
[12:04] Dad
    Why would you say that?
[12:05] Dad
    They found jobs!
     That's what we're celebrating!
[12:08] Iyami
    Seriously, you'll understand
    once you put these on—
[12:12] Dad
    I'll have you know that my sons
    only went astray because
[12:16] Dad
    they hung around shady adults like you!
[12:18] Dad
    Stay away from my sons from now on.
[12:21] Dad
    Got it? Scram!
[12:23] Iyami
    Just put them on!
[12:27] Iyami
    Just put them on!
[12:29] Iyami
    Just put them on!
[12:31] Iyami
    Put them on!
[12:33] Iyami
    Put them on!
[12:36] Iyami
    Put them on!
[12:37] Dad
    Mind your own business!
[12:48] Iyami
    Put them on! Put them on!
[12:54] Dad
    Cut it out! That's enough!
[13:02] Iyami
    See the truth!
[13:04] Dad
    Huh?
[13:05] Sons
    Yay! Yay!
[13:11] Dad
    What?!
[13:13] Dad
    Wh-Wh-What's going on here?
[13:15] Dad
    What are those creatures?
[13:18] Iyami
    Those things are all over the
    city disguised as humans.
[13:22] Iyami
    But as long as you wear these
    sunglasses, you can see the truth.
[13:26] Dad
    Huh?
[13:28] Todo
    Dad?
[13:29] Todo
    What are you doing? Celebrate with us more!
[13:33] All
    Celebrate with us!
[13:38] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
SIGN    Obey
[13:46] Sign
    Don't Panic    Don't Stand Out    Obey    Don't Get Involved    Play
SIGN    Slack Off
[13:48] Sign
    Rest       Run       Trick People       Steal
SIGN    Microtransactions
SIGN    Finance
SIGN    Spend
SIGN    Expel     Bargain
SIGN    Don't  Hesitate
SIGN    Use
SIGN    Eat
SIGN      Fried Chicken   Gyoza
SIGN      Gain      Large      Free        Oily Weight   Serving
SIGN    Request
SIGN    Dumbasses                   Obey
SIGN    Snap
[14:07] Sign
    Stop Trying
SIGN    Be  Depressed
SIGN    Be Envious
[14:17] Dad
    I see... So that's how it is.
[14:20] Dad
    They're all aliens!
[14:24] Mom
    There, there. There, there.
[14:25] Mom
    There, there, there, there, there.
[14:30] Dad
    Wh-What's going on?
[14:32] Dad
    What are those creatures? At the rate
    they're going, they might take over Earth.
[14:39] Dad
    I think we might be the only
    ones who know the truth.
[14:42] Dad
    We have to do something.
[14:45] Dad
    We're going to save the world, Iyami!
[14:49] Dad
    Don't fall asleep! Humanity's in
    trouble! Take this seriously!
[14:53] Iyami
    Not interested.
[14:55] Dad
    What?! We're dealing with aliens here!
    They're gonna take over the world!
[14:59] Iyami
    It doesn't affect me at all if aliens are here,
    even if they take over the world.
[15:04] Dad
    What?!
[15:06] Dad
    What the hell are you talking about?!
[15:10] Mom
    Yay! This is amazing!
[15:12] Mom
    I'm so happy!
[15:16] Dad
    Must be nice being you.
[15:19] Dad
    Doing whatever you want.
    Never caring what others think.
[15:25] Dad
    I'm exhausted.
[15:26] Dad
    I work every day like I've been possessed.
[15:30] Dad
    I thought my sons had finally
    found work, and this happens.
[15:35] Dad
    I'm done thinking.
    I don't want to do anything.
[15:39] Dad
    I just want to be free.
[15:42] Iyami
    Quit your job, then.
[15:44] Dad
    Huh? What are you talking about?
[15:47] Dad
    I can't just quit!
[15:48] Iyami
    Why?
[15:49] Dad
    I have a family!
[15:51] Iyami
    Then abandon your family.
[15:53] Dad
    What?! I could never do that!
[15:56] Iyami
    Why?
[15:57] Dad
    Wh-Why?
[15:59] Iyami
    Do you want to be free or not? Which is it?
[16:08] Iyami
    You're a fool.
[16:12] Dad
    Wait.
[16:16] Dad
    Iyami... Won't you help me out?
[16:20] Dad
    My sons are probably being
    held captive somewhere.
[16:23] Dad
    As their father, I have to go save them.
[16:28] Iyami
    Me is not interested in trouble.
[16:30] Dad
    Please! I beg of you!
[16:37] Iyami
    There's nothing fun in this world.
[16:39] Iyami
    Me has nothing to do.
[16:42] Iyami
    Me doesn't mind making it a little more fun.
[16:47] Dad
    Th-Then...
[16:50] Dad
    Iyami, thank you! I owe you!
[16:54] Iyami
    That'll be 30,000 yen.
[16:56] Dad
    You're charging me?!
SIGN    Kichijoji Station
[17:16] Dad
    We finally found them.
[17:18] Dad
    This is their hideout.
SIGN    We Are
     Nanmaiders
[17:22] Boss
    Hewwo, people of Earth.
     I am the boss, Nanmaider.
[17:26] Boss
    Say hewwo to my wittle fwiends.
[17:28] A
    I'm Gonvader.
[17:30] B
    I'm Jinvader.
[17:32] C
    I'm NannyNannyBooder.
[17:33] D
    I'm GaaGaaGooder.
[17:35] E
    I'm AGoner.
[17:37] F
    I'm Calender.
[17:38] G
    I'm YupImmaGoner.
[17:40] Boss
    We're the Nanmaiders.
[17:43] A
    We're using our Nanmaider wave
[17:45] A
    to control the idiots and exploit them.
[17:49] B
    We'll make clones that only look like humans
[17:52] B
    and send them into the city!
[17:55] Some
    Aye-aye, sir! Heave-ho, heave-ho! Keep it going!
[17:59] Mom
    Eat some crab! Eat some crab! Eat some crab!
[18:02] Toto
    Sweet! I'm finally popular!
[18:06] Dayon
    I'm super popular!
[18:10] C
    If you comply with us,
[18:12] C
    we will promise just you
    rich people a bright future.
[18:16] D
    Our paradise will be complete by 2025.
[18:20] All
    Nanmaider!
[18:22] Dad
    We won't let that happen!
[18:29] Boss
    Intwuders!
[18:31] Both
    Attack!
[18:36] Both
    Sheeeh!
[18:38] Dad
    Oh, shit! Crap! Matsuzou's in danger!
[18:41] Dad
    Save me, partner!
[18:44] Dad
    Hey! What are you doing?
[18:46] Iyami
    Rich people really do eat the best stuff.
[18:49] Iyami
    Me loves money.
[18:50] Lady
    Eek!
[18:55] Dad
    Don't do anything bad!
[18:57] Iyami
    Oho. That's what's causing all this.
[19:01] Iyami
    Leave this to me!
[19:04] Dad
    Wait, you're not...
[19:04] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[19:05] Dad
    Iyami!
[19:08] Iyami
    Sheh! Sheh! Sheeeh!
[19:11] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[19:12] Dad
    A-Amazing... Iyami.
[19:15] Dad
    You really are reliable when it counts.
[19:18] Six
    Dad!
[19:20] Ichi
    You came to save us. Thanks.
[19:23] Jyushi
    Sorry we always rely on you so much.
[19:25] Todo
    You must be tired.
[19:26] Oso
    But don't worry. We're okay now.
[19:37] Dad
    If my sons were actually that decent,
[19:39] Dad
    my life would be so much easier.
[19:42] Dad
    Give me back my sons!
[19:45] Dad
    Osomatsu! Karamatsu!
[19:48] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[19:50] Dad
    Ichimatsu! Choromatsu!
[19:53] Dad
    Jyushimatsu! Todomatsu!
[19:56] Dad
    Where are you?!
[19:57] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[20:18] Oso
    Dad?
[20:20] Dad
    Matsuzou... finish...
[20:23] Oso
    Huh?
[20:27] Oso
    Th-The hell?!
[20:37] Dad
    Did we do it?
[20:39] Dad
    Iyami...
[20:42] Dad
    Thank you.
[20:47] Dad
    Now Earth is back to normal.
[20:53] Dad
    The world has been saved.
[20:58] Six
    Iyami, thank you!
[21:01] Six
    Huh?
[21:02] Oso
    Wait, what is that?
[21:06] Iyami
    Sheh sheh sheh! Sheeeh sheh sheh sheh sheeeh!
[21:10] Iyami
    Sheh sheh sheh! Sheeeh sheh sheh sheh sheeeh!
[21:10] Kara
    Wh-What is this wave?!
[21:12] Jyu
    My head!
[21:27] People
    Sheh! Sheh sheh!
[21:41] Iyami
    Now the world's a better place!
[21:44] ---
    Sheeeh!
[21:46] ---
    Sheeeh!
SIGN    It's the End
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:25] Jyushi
    Hello, Jyushimatsu here.
[23:27] Jyushi
    Next week on Mr. Osomatsu, we have "Imoni."
[23:29] Jyushi
    Do you know what imoni is?
[23:31] Jyushi
    Apparently imoni is something that's
    fun to enjoy outside with others.
[23:36] Jyushi
    That means it's baseball!
[23:37] Jyushi
    Imoni equals baseball!
[23:40] Jyushi
    They even do imoni in Ehime in Shikoku.
[23:42] Jyushi
    And that means the Island League!
[23:45] Jyushi
    Imoni's originally from America.
[23:47] Jyushi
    King Imoni Bay Blues!
SIGN    "Imoni"   etc.
[23:49] Jyushi
    What? That's not what it is?
[23:51] Jyushi
    Okay, then. Whatever.

E17 - Imoni
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[01:34] Sign
    Safety First
[01:36] Todo
    You want us to watch your routine?
[01:38] Both
    Yes!
[01:39] Plum
    We came up with a new routine for the
    A-1 Grand Prix that we're trying to win,
[01:44] Plum
    so we'd like to get your objective opinions.
[01:47] Salmon
    Please watch our routine.
[01:49] Plum
    Please give us some critique.
[01:51] Both
    Please and thank you.
[01:53] Todo
    Ah, I see. We are stars of a super
    popular gag anime, after all.
[01:58] Todo
    So you want us to show you the ropes.
SIGN    "The Riceballs' New Routine"
[02:00] Ichi
    I see. Well, we do get huge laughs every week.
[02:04] Ichi
    We're basically the epitome of comedy.
[02:05] Ichi
    We'd be able to think up a routine for
    your little competition in seconds.
[02:10] Todo
    Don't you worry. We'll make sure
    you get to the finals of the A-1.
[02:18] Todo
    Uh, are you listening?
[02:20] Both
    Huh?
[02:21] salmon
    Oh, of course.
[02:23] Plum
    Masters, please show us the way of comedy.
[02:26] Shake
    Please tell us what you think.
[02:29] Todo
    All right. We'll watch.
[02:30] Ichi
    Well, aren't you adorable?
[02:35] Shake
    All right, here's our routine.
[02:38] Ichi
    Go for it.
[02:45] Both
    Hello!
[02:46] Shake
    I'm Salmon.
[02:47] Ume
    I'm Pickled Plum.
[02:48] Both
    We're the Riceballs!
[02:49] Both
    We hope you enjoy the show!
[02:52] Salmon
    Say, Pickled Plum-kun.
[02:54] Plum
    What is it, Salmon-kun?
[02:55] Salmon
    We're AI, so we can easily notice
    all the weird things about humans.
[03:02] Plum
    I guess you're right. But for example...?
[03:04] Salmon
    Humans get the wrong idea
    and think we have feelings.
[03:08] Plum
    What?! Are they stupid?! We're machines!
[03:14] Shake
    I'm home.
[03:17] Shake
    I'm so sorry for leaving you all alone!
[03:19] Shake
    You must've been so lonely!
[03:22] Both
    Yeah, no. Not at all. Not at all.
[03:26] Plum
    Here's a present for you.
[03:29] Plum
    Yay! You're so happy!
[03:33] Both
    Yeah, no. Not at all. Not at all.
[03:35] Salmon
    Our algorithm is just set
    to make it seem like that.
[03:41] Salmon
    Hey, machine.
[03:45] Salmon
    Whoopsie! It must've hurt that I called you
    a machine when you actually have a name.
[03:49] Salmon
    I'm so sorry!
[03:52] Both
    Yeah, no. No one cares. No one cares.
[03:56] Plum
    Who the hell cares about names?
[03:58] Salmon
    Talk about dumb.
[04:01] Both
    Humans are so stupid.
[04:04] Both
    Thank you very much!
[04:08] Plum
    So what'd you think?
[04:09] Todo
    That was awful!
[04:13] Shake
    Guess the crowd couldn't take a joke!
[04:16] Ichi
    Don't blame the audience!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Imoni"
[04:26] Dayon
    What's the matter? I'm worried
    because you seem so down!
[04:30] Deka
    I want to eat some imoni.
[04:35] Deka
    Imoni...
[04:37] Deka
    The taste of my homeland.
[04:40] Deka
    I haven't had any for so long.
[04:43] Dayon
    I'll make some for you!
[04:45] Deka
    It's not the same!
[04:47] Deka
    Imoni is something you eat
    outside together with everyone!
[04:51] Dayon
    Well, what do you want me to do about that?
[04:54] Deka
    I want some imoni! I want some now!
[04:57] Deka
    Imoni, now! I want some imoni!
[05:01] Deka
    I want some imoni!
[05:04] Deka
    I want some imoni!
[05:06] Dayon
    We want all of you to make some imoni!
[05:09] All
    Huh?
[05:09] Some
    Imoni?
[05:12] Dayon
    Dekapan's all sulky, so you gotta help me out.
[05:16] Dayon
    Hurry! We need some imoni!
[05:18] All
    Huh?
[05:20] Choro
    Imoni? The hell is that? Make it yourself.
[05:23] Chibi
    Stop sulking, old man!
[05:26] Oso
    Hey, let's go home.
SIGN    Prize
[05:30] Dayon
    We'll pay you!
[05:32] Dayon
    Apparently, whoever makes the best imoni
    will get a prize of one million yen!
[05:38] All
    One million yen?!
[05:40] Oso
    Seriously?!
SIGN    Prize
[05:43] Dayon
    And now, let's begin the
     Prize Monies Imoni Grand Prix!
SIGN    Prize
[05:53] Oso
    We're definitely going to win!
[05:55] Oso
    That one million yen is ours!
[05:57] All
    Yeah!
[05:59] Kara
    Leave it to me!
[06:00] Ichi
    So what the hell is imoni?
[06:02] All
    Huh?
[06:04] Choro
    No idea. How do you make it?
[06:06] Ichi
    Imoni?
[06:07] Kara
    I think I've heard of it before...
[06:09] Jyushi
    What's imoni?
[06:10] Todo
    What? No one knows?
[06:13] Oso
    I mean, the name suggests stewed potatoes,
[06:15] Oso
    so you probably stew some potatoes.
[06:16] Kara
    You realize those aren't potatoes, right?
[06:19] Choro
    What kind of potatoes are you
    supposed to use? Regular ol' potatoes?
[06:22] All
    Dunno.
[06:23] Choro
    Sweet potatoes?
[06:24] All
    Dunno.
[06:25] Todo
    Why don't we look it up?
[06:26] Ichi
    I'll go take a look at what
    other people are making.
[06:29] Choro
    Thanks.
[06:30] Todo
    Imoni...
[06:31] Todo
    Let's see... Oh, there we go.
[06:34] Todo
    It's a dish from the Tohoku region.
[06:35] All
    Huh...
[06:37] Jyushi
    How do you make it?
[06:38] Kara
    What's in it?
[06:39] Todo
    Let's see...
[06:41] Ichi
    Chibita.
[06:42] Chibi
    The hell?!
[06:44] Ichi
    Totoko-chan.
[06:45] Toto
    Hiss!
[06:46] Ichi
    Hijirisawa and Murakami.
[06:51] Ichi
    Yeah, that didn't work.
[06:52] Ichi
    Everyone's hardcore about this
    because money's involved.
[06:55] Ichi
    No one's gonna tell us anything.
[06:56] Todo
    Hey, I've got it!
SIGN    Ingredients (For 6 servings)
    Beef (Thinly sliced)
    Taro (From Yamagata Prefecture)
    Konjac
    Burdock root
[06:58] Todo
    The ingredients include beef and taro.
[07:01] Choro
    Oh, so it's taro.
[07:02] Kara
    Okay, otherwise known as village potatoes!
SIGN    Taro (From Yamagata Prefecture)
    Konjac
    Burdock root
    Mushrooms
    Green onions
    Condiments
    Soy sauce
    Sake
    Sugar
[07:05] Todo
    Other than that, we need konjac,
    burdock root, mushrooms,
[07:08] Todo
    green onions, soy sauce, sake, and sugar.
[07:11] Oso
    Soy sauce, eh? Got it!
[07:13] Todo
    Hey, it sorta looks like sukiyaki.
[07:15] Ichi
    Oh, I think I get it now.
[07:17] Choro
    All right, let's get cooking.
[07:19] Todo
    Hang on.
SIGN    Miyagi Prefecture  Miso  Hearty
SIGN    Imoni Miso Flavor
[07:20] Todo
    Apparently there's a miso version.
[07:22] All
    Huh?
[07:23] Todo
    For the miso version, we need pork.
     I guess the flavor's milder.
[07:25] Jyushi
    So which one's imoni?
[07:27] Todo
    They're both imoni.
[07:28] All
    Huh?
SIGN    Imoni  Miso Flavor
SIGN    Ingredients 
    (For 6 servings)
    Potatoes
    Pork
[07:29] Todo
    But wait, I guess some people use regular
    potatoes for this rather than taro.
[07:34] All
    Huh?
[07:34] Oso
    I mean, if you mix miso, pork, and potatoes
    together, it's basically pork miso soup.
[07:38] Todo
    No, this is imoni.
[07:39] Oso
    What's the difference?
[07:41] Todo
    Uh...
[07:42] Choro
    Tell us which imoni is the
    classic version, Totty.
[07:44] Todo
    What?
[07:45] Ichi
    Soy sauce or miso?
[07:46] Oso
    Taro or regular potatoes?
[07:48] Choro
    Beef or pork?
[07:50] Ichi
    Isn't kenchinjiru also imoni, then?
[07:52] All
    What is imoni?
[07:56] Jyushi
    Hatabou.
[07:57] Hata
    Jo?
[07:57] Jysuhi
    Are you all on your own?
    Wanna do this together?
[08:00] Hata
    Jo!
[08:07] Deka
    Hey, are they done yet?
[08:10] Dayon
    Just a little longer!
[08:13] Choro
    Well, which is it?!
[08:13] Oso
    Man, talk about a pain in the ass.
[08:20] Oso
    Hey, what are you two up to?
[08:23] Salmon
    We're about to go check
    out K Pro's comedy show.
[08:27] Oso
    K Pro, eh? You headed to Shinjuku, then?
[08:31] Salmon
    What's all this about?
[08:33] Oso
    Hey, perfect timing.
    Do you guys know what imoni is?
[08:36] Plum
    Imoni?
[08:38] Salmon
    I got it! That's a Korean mom!
[08:40] Plum
    That's not imoni! That's omoni!
[08:43] Both
    Thank you very much!
[08:49] Oso
    Hey, wait a sec!
[08:51] Oso
    Why'd you bust out a comedy routine?
    I asked how to make imoni—
[08:55] Oso
    Those are caterpillars (imomushi).
[08:57] Oso
    You can stop with the dumb jokes.
    I'm asking about imoni.
[09:00] Oso
    Those are geckos (yamori)! I said imoni!
[09:02] Plum
    Oh, I know. It's that thing
    you virgins do in private.
[09:07] Oso
    Hey! What happened to your
    compliance function?!
[09:13] Ichi
    What's imoni?
[09:14] Choro
    What's imoni?
[09:15] Ichi
    Does it use soy sauce or miso?
[09:16] Choro
    Taro or regular potatoes?
[09:18] Ichi
    Beef or pork?
[09:19] Both
    Well, Totty? Which one is the proper imoni?
[09:23] Todo
    I have no idea!
[09:27] Both
    Aww...
[09:34] Oso
    Who cares anymore?
[09:36] Oso
    Does soy sauce or miso even matter?
    It's still imoni.
[09:39] Choro
    Yeah, I guess. Maybe it doesn't matter.
[09:41] Ichi
    Yeah, whichever.
[09:43] Hji
    Don't be stupid! You use
    soy sauce to make imoni!
[09:46] Mura
    Miso!
[09:47] Hiji
    Soy sauce!
[09:48] Mura
    Miso!
[09:49] Both
    You stupid country bumpkin!
[09:51] Choro
    Apparently, it does matter.
[09:53] Ichi
    Seems like a touchy subject.
[09:55] Oso
    They're trying to kill each other over it.
[09:57] Todo
    Let's just ask Dekapan.
    That's the quickest option.
[10:00] All
    Yeah.
[10:06] Todo
    Hey, Dekapan.
[10:08] Todo
    Does the imoni you want us to make
     use soy sauce or miso?
[10:13] Deka
    Mi... Miso?
[10:16] Deka
    I said I want imoni... and you have
    the nerve to ask me about miso?
[10:22] All
    G-Guess he prefers soy sauce.
[10:27] Todo
    Let's split up the duties.
[10:29] Todo
    First, let's gather the ingredients.
[10:31] All
    Yeah.
[10:32] Todo
    Osomatsu-niisan and Ichimatsu-niisan,
[10:34] Todo
    head home and see if we have
    beef, veggies, and condiments.
[10:38] All
    Got it.
[10:39] Todo
    Choromatsu-niisan, you find us some taro.
[10:41] Todo
    We probably don't have any at home, so try
    to find someone who'll spare us some.
[10:44] Choro
    Got it.
[10:45] Todo
    All right, off you go.
[10:46] All
    Huh?
[10:47] Todo
    Huh?
[10:48] All
    Wha?
[10:49] Todo
    Huh?
[10:50] Oso
    Uh, Totty? What are you going to do?
[10:52] Todo
    I'm gonna take a break right here.
[10:54] Oso
    What?!
[10:55] Todo
    Get going already.
[10:57] Todo
    I'll be the brains of this
    operation and order you around,
[10:59] Todo
    then we'll be able to win.
[11:02] Todo
    Don't stew me!
[11:04] Choro
    Hey, let's do this properly.
[11:05] Choro
    Let's make some delicious imoni.
[11:10] Mom
    Hey!
[11:13] Both
    Thanks so much!
[11:15] Rando
    Sorry to keep you waiting.
[11:17] Deka
    I want some imoni now!
[11:19] Deka
    I want some imoni!
[11:21] Dayon
    J-Just wait a little longer.
[11:23] Dayon
    Everyone's—
[11:23] Deka
    They're all too slow!
[11:25] Deka
    I want some imoni! They're too slow!
[11:27] Deka
    Too slow! Too slow! Want some imoni!
[11:30] Dayo
    Didn't I just tell you to wait, you bastard?!
[11:34] Dayon
    Everyone's working hard
     to make you some right now!
[11:37] Dayo
    Why the hell can't you wait patiently?!
    You want me to cancel it right now?!
[11:41] Dayo
    You want some imoni, don't you?!
[11:45] Dayo
    Then wait. Throw another
    tantrum and I'll suck you up.
[11:51] Jyushi
    Heh, you got in trouble.
[11:55] Toto
    That one million yen is mine!
[11:57] Toto
    For my new costume!
[11:59] Nya
    I need that for diapers and milk!
[12:02] Toto
    Can you even cook?
[12:04] Nya
    Of course I can. I ain't a mom for nothin'.
[12:08] Nya
    Wait, can you cook?
[12:10] Toto
    Of course I can! I ain't
    the heroine for nothin'.
[12:17] Toto
    You dumbass.
[12:18] Toto
    I'll show you how it's done.
[12:26] Both
    Th-They're so cute.
[12:28] Choro
    I wonder who the young lady next to her is.
[12:34] Jyushi
    Why?
[12:35] Hata
    Jo...
[12:38] Todo
    Hey, wait.
[12:39] Todo
    Where's Karamatsu-niisan?
[12:41] Ichi
    Huh? Where the hell did he go?
[12:48] Kara
    The name's Karamatsu. I never compromise.
[12:50] Kara
    We're never gonna win if we just use some
    potatoes we find rolling around, Brothers.
[12:56] Kara
    I will go obtain the ultimate potato.
[13:01] Chibi
    It's finished!
[13:03] Choro
    Crap! Chibita beat us to the punch.
[13:06] Choro
    Huh? Ch-Chibita, that's...
[13:11] Chibi
    Well, Dekapan? How do you like it?
SIGN    Prize Monies
    
     Imoni Grand Prix
    
    Grand Prize
     1 million yen
[13:13] Deka
    It's delicious.
[13:14] Dayo
    It's great!
[13:16] Chibi
    Welp, guess I win, then!
SIGN    Prize
[13:19] Chibi
    It's good, right?
[13:20] Both
    Yup, yup.
[13:21] Chibi
    In that case...
[13:24] Choro
    Chibita.
[13:25] Choro
    We're supposed to make imoni today.
[13:28] Chibi
    Isn't oden great?
[13:29] Choro
    Oden's great, but we're making imoni today.
[13:33] Chibi
    Have a bite.
[13:35] Chibi
    Well? Is it good?
[13:37] Choro
    It's really good!
[13:38] Chibi
    Then I win, right?
[13:40] Choro
    I said no, oden for brains!
[13:42] Chibi
    Huh?!
[13:43] Choro
    We're making imoni!
[13:44] Chibi
    I'll make oden!
[13:46] Choro
    But why?! Imoni!
[13:47] Chibi
    Oden!
[13:48] Choro
    Imoni!
[13:48] Chibi
    Oden!
[13:49] Choro
    Imoni!
[13:49] Chibi
    Oden, oden! I'll make oden!
[13:52] Choro
    The hell's wrong with him? He's creepy.
[13:55] Toto
    Hey, I have a great idea!
[13:58] Toto
    I'll just call Uber.
[13:59] Nya
    What?!
[14:26] All
    Tato, tato, tato...
[14:27] All
    Tato, tato, tato...
[14:33] Iyami
    All done!
[14:36] Oso
    Iyami? When'd he show up?
[14:40] Ichi
    The hell's that?
[14:41] Choro
    That looks awful.
[14:43] Iya
    Have a taste! It's me's best dish yet!
[14:47] Iya
    Me went through all the
    trouble of making it.
[15:00] Deka
    It's the best!
[15:03] Iya
    All of you have a taste!
[15:08] Jyushi
    Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap, holy crap!
[15:14] Iya
    Guess me wins.
[15:16] Todo
    What the heck? None of them can stop eating.
[15:18] Oso
    It looks totally disgusting.
[15:24] Oso
    Iyami... What exactly are
    you putting in there?
[15:28] Iya
    Huh? This is just...
[15:33] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[15:35] Oso
    Wow, he really just did that.
[15:38] Nya
    All done!
[15:40] Toto
    Wait, really?
[15:41] Nya
    French fries.
[15:42] Toto
    What?
[15:44] Tatos
    Tato, tato, tato...
[15:45] Tatos
    Tato, tato, tato...
[15:47] Kara
    Say, say! Citizens of the Potato
    Kingdom, calm yourselves.
[15:52] Kara
    I can understand why you'd be so excited,
[15:54] Kara
    with a super hot guy like me showing up.
[15:56] Kara
    But I have an urgent request!
[15:59] Kara
    I don't have much time! Hear me out!
SIGN    This fool!
SIGN    Look at his stupid face!!
SIGN    Get out of our village!
SIGN    Leave!
[16:08] Kara
    Ah, what a warm welcome.
[16:11] Kara
    Thank you!
[16:12] Kara
    Thank you!
[16:13] Kara
    Thank you!
[16:14] Kara
    I love you spuds, too!
[16:21] Kara
    Potatoes and me...
[16:24] Kara
    Potatoes and me!
[16:27] Kara
    Potatoes!
[16:28] Kara
    Me!
[16:33] Ichi
    Uh, you okay, Choromatsu?
[16:36] Choro
    What exactly is imoni?
[16:38] Choro
    You're supposed to stew potatoes, right?
[16:40] Choro
    Even though we're humble
    potatoes ourselves...
[16:42] Choro
    Potatoes gon potate. Stewers gon stew...
[16:44] Ichi
    Osomatsu-niisan! Choromatsu broke!
[16:50] Ichi
    Todomatsu!
[16:51] Todo
    And then it totally blew up.
[16:54] Girl
    What?
[16:54] Girl
    Oh, my gosh!
[16:56] Ichi
    Jyushimatsu!
[16:57] Hata
    Jo...
[17:06] Jyushi
    Ichimatsu-niisan?
[17:07] Ichi
    Take this seriously, damn it!
[17:09] Ichi
    I'm the only one working!
[17:11] Ichi
    Die!
[17:13] Ichi
    Hey! Come back!
[17:17] Nya
    This is all your fault!
[17:19] Toto
    This is all your fault!
[17:20] Chibi
    Pipin' hot oden!
SIGN    Oden
SIGN    1 cup   100  yen
[17:21] Ichi
    Imoni!
[17:22] One
    Miso!
[17:23] Two
    Soy sauce!
[17:33] Kara
    Potatoes and me!
[17:35] Tatoes
    Tato, tato!
[17:37] Kara
    Potatoes and me!
[17:39] Tatoes
    Tato, tato!
[17:41] Kara
    Potatoes!
[17:44] Kara
    And me!
[17:52] Kara
    Damn, imoni is good.
[17:54] Kara
    Seconds, please!
[17:55] Kara
    Whew! Nothing beats getting the real stuff!
[17:59] Tato
    Tato.
[18:00] Kara
    Huh? For me?
[18:02] Kara
    Thanks!
[18:03] Tato
    Tato, tato.
[18:04] Kara
    Thank you!
[18:06] Imota
    Imoni.
[18:07] Kara
    Thanks!
[18:13] Kara
    Big success!
[18:15] Kara
    Heh. This should make Dekapan happy...
[18:30] Kara
    Could those potatoes be...
[18:32] Kara
    the ultimate potato I was looking for?!
[18:35] Elder
    Tato.
[18:38] Kara
    A-Are you sure, Elder?
SIGN    These are our kingdom's legendary potatoes.
SIGN    If you eat these,
SIGN    you'll be one of us!
[18:50] Kara
    There's no doubt about it...
    We're gonna win!
[18:59] Deka
    S-Stop!
[19:03] Deka
    Th-This is no imoni!
[19:05] Deka
    It's stupid to fight over who
    made the best or over money!
[19:09] All
    What?!
[19:10] Todo
    You're the one who started this crap!
[19:12] Oso
    You're only wearing underwear!
[19:13] Ichi
    I'll kill you!
[19:14] Chibi
    The hell're you talkin' about?!
[19:16] Guy
    Who do you think you are?!
[19:17] Hiji
    Who do you think you are?!
[19:18] Toto
    Give us a break, old guy.
[19:19] Nya
    You're just causing trouble!
[19:23] Dayon
    Sorry about this. Dekapan just
    wanted to be reminded of home.
[19:28] Deka
    Sorry. This was all my fault.
[19:31] Deka
    I just wanted all of you to
     know how fun imoni can be.
[19:43] Choro
    Let's remake it together, then. All of us.
SIGN    Safety  First
[21:02] Dayon
    Here you go.
[21:03] Deka
    Thanks.
[21:10] Deka
    It's delicious!
[21:15] Dayon
    It's yummy!
[21:18] Some
    Yum!
[21:19] Some
    This is great!
[21:22] Deka
    Imoni is great.
[21:32] Shake
    I hope we can do a show soon.
[21:34] Ume
    Yeah.
[22:01] Both
    Sheeeh!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:34] Totty
    Heya, Totty here!
[23:36] Totty
    Next week on Mr. Osomatsu, 
    we have "Just Don't."
[23:39] Totty
    So when I tell you, "just don't," just don't.
[23:43] Totty
    But if someone else told me, "just don't,"
[23:46] Totty
    I'd wonder who the hell
    they thought they were.
SIGN    "Just Don't"
[23:48] Totty
    Yeah! I love how much I exude humanity!

E18 - Just Don't
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "Just Don't"
[02:30] Nyaa
    Is his name Osomatsu-san?
[02:32] Toto
    Hm? What about Osomatsu-kun?
[02:35] Nyaa
    He's the youngest of the sextuplets, right?
[02:38] Toto
    Nope. Todomatsu-kun is the youngest.
    Osomatsu's the oldest.
[02:41] Nyaa
    What? He's the oldest?
[02:44] Toto
    Huh? Yeah.
[02:46] Nyaa
    He's the oldest, but he acts
    like that? That's hilarious.
[02:50] Toto
    Up you go!
[02:51] Nyaa
    I was just thinking he's pretty great.
[02:56] Toto
    Huh?
[02:59] toto
    You think Osomatsu-kun is... great?
[03:02] ---
    Yeah.
[03:03] toto
    How?
[03:04] Nyaa
    Well, isn't he?
[03:05] Toto
    Like, how?!
[03:06] Nyaa
    You know.
[03:07] Toto
    No, I don't!
[03:08] Nyaa
    I run into him every now and then,
[03:10] Nyaa
    and I've been wanting to
    learn more about him.
[03:12] Toto
    What? He's clearly a piece of shit.
[03:15] Toto
    He's a forever NEET. He's a stupid,
    perverted king of NEETs.
[03:18] Toto
    What do you like about him?
    He's the embodiment of failure.
[03:21] Nyaa
    I see. So he has some issues.
[03:24] Toto
    Yes.
[03:26] Nyaa
    I like him.
[03:27] Toto
    Why?! What is going on in your head?!
[03:29] Uggo
    I get it.
[03:32] Uggo
    There's a point in life when
    guys like that seem nice.
[03:36] Uggo
    Even if you know they're good-for-nothings,
    or that they're a bad seed,
[03:40] Uggo
    you just can't help yourself.
[03:42] Uggo
    I mean, quiet, earnest
    guys are just so boring.
[03:46] Uggo
    They're not interesting. They lack character.
[03:48] Uggo
    Do you understand? They're boring.
[03:51] Uggo
    Failures are better because, you know...
[03:55] Uggo
    Love isn't logical.
[03:57] Toto
    Who are you again?
    What was that speech about?
[04:01] Toto
    Anyway, just forget Osomatsu-kun.
[04:03] Toto
    I'm not kidding.
    He's a worthless piece of shit.
[04:05] Toto
    Really, he's a scumbag and a NEET. Just don't—
[04:08] Nyaa
    Oh, shut up already.
[04:09] Nyaa
    I was just sort of interested in him,
[04:11] Nyaa
    and it's not like I'd know for sure
[04:13] Nyaa
    if he's a bad guy or not
    unless I actually dated him.
[04:15] Toto
    You totally can tell with him. Nope.
[04:17] Nyaa
    He's nice.
[04:18] Toto
    Nope.
[04:19] Nyaa
    He's nice!
[04:19] Toto
    No, really, don't. No, really, don't!
[04:24] Nyaa
    I'm allowed to fall in love
    with whoever I choose.
[04:27] Toto
    Uh, love?! Wait, wait, wait. You didn't
    say anything about love earlier!
[04:31] Toto
    Seriously, where is this coming from?
     I don't understand!
[04:33] Uggo
    I get it.
[04:36] Uggo
    The more the people around you reject him,
    the more interested you are.
[04:40] Uggo
    The more the people around you reject him,
    the more you want to defend him.
[04:45] Uggo
    It actually excites you.
[04:48] Uggo
    It's not logical.
[04:50] Toto
    Who are you?
[04:50] Toto
    Stop agreeing with her.
    Talk her out of this.
[04:52] Nyaa
    Oh, I know. The next time I see him,
    I'll ask him for his contact info.
[04:58] Toto
    Shit. I don't usually like butting into
    other people's love interests...
[05:02] Toto
    But this is a special case,
    considering who we're dealing with!
[05:06] Toto
    This is an emergency!
[05:09] Toto
    Please! Reach them in time!
[05:15] All
    What's up?
[05:16] Jyushi
    I have no idea.
[05:18] Jyushi
    Hey, it's an arrow with
    a letter from Totoko-chan.
[05:20] Kara
    An arrow with a letter from Totoko-chan?
[05:22] Ichi
    Seriously?
[05:23] Ichi
    I-If this is true...
[05:25] Todo
    This is bad! We can't just sit here!
[05:28] Kara
    My brothers, we need to save
    this poor girl's future!
[05:31] All
    Yeah!
[05:39] Todo
    We're coming in!
[05:40] Jyushi
    We're coming in!
[05:41] Nyaa
    What? Where'd you all come from?
[05:47] Kara
    It's a pleasure to meet you,
    Hashimoto Nyaa-san.
[05:49] Kara
    I'm the second oldest of the
    Matsuno brothers, Karamatsu.
[05:52] Ichi
    I'm the fourth son, Ichimatsu.
[05:54] Jyushi
    I'm the fifth son, Jyushimatsu.
[05:57] Todo
    And I'm the youngest, Totty.
[05:59] Nyaa
    I-I see...
[06:00] Nyaa
    Can I help you?
[06:02] Kara
    I'll get straight to the point.
[06:04] Kara
    When it comes to our oldest
    brother... Ready, and...
[06:07] All
    Just don't.
[06:08] Nyaa
    Huh?
[06:09] Todo
    No, really. He's bad news.
[06:10] Jyushi
    He's really a piece of shit.
[06:11] Todo
    You'll regret everything.
    He'll make you unhappy.
[06:13] Kara
    Because he's...
[06:14] All
    A piece of shit!
[06:15] All
    Trash!
[06:18] Nyaa
    Um, I honestly can't imagine
    him being that bad.
[06:22] All
    Nope, nope, nope.
[06:23] Nyaa
    I mean, everyone has one
    good thing about them.
[06:26] All
    Nope, nope, nope.
[06:27] Ichi
    But he doesn't. Strange, right?
[06:29] Nyaa
    Does someone like that actually exist?
[06:31] Todo
    Yes! Weird, right?!
[06:32] Jyushi
    These are all the terrible
    things he's done in the past.
[06:36] Nyaa
    What? He's done this much?
SIGN    Matsuno Osomatsu 
    "All the terrible things he's done"
[06:38] Nyaa
    This is vile.
[06:39] Jyushi
    Huh? Why, yes, he is vile.
    That's what we've been saying.
[06:45] Kara
    And now, representing his countless victims,
[06:48] Kara
    we will be talking to
    I-matsu-san and T-matsu-san.
[06:51] Kara
    Thank you for coming today.
[06:52] Both
    Thank you.
SIGN    Victims of Matsuno Osomatsu
SIGN    Victim:  I-matsu-san (alias)
SIGN    Karamatsu
    What kind of man is Matsuno Osomatsu?
SIGN    I-matsu 
    He's a piece of shit. He's insane.
     He's not human.
SIGN    Victim: 
    T-matsu-san (alias)
SIGN    Karamatsu 
    Can any woman find happiness in dating him?
SIGN    T-matsu
    Ahahaha.
SIGN    T-matsu 
    Happiness? With that trash?
SIGN    T-matsu
    Happiness???
SIGN    Karamatsu 
    It seems he has his doubts.
SIGN    Victim:  I-matsu-san (alias)
SIGN    I-matsu 
    He doesn't have any tact.
SIGN    I-matsu 
    He'll grab someone's 
    heart with his filthy paws,
SIGN    I-matsu 
    then stir them all up, knock
     them over, and die of laughter.
SIGN    Karamatsu 
    How awful.
SIGN    Victim: 
    T-matsu-san (alias)
SIGN    T-matsu
    He has no manners. He seriously 
    believes the world revolves around him.
SIGN    Karamatsu
    That devil!
SIGN    I-matsu
    He's a walking dick. 
    He's a virgin manwhore.
SIGN    T-matsu 
    He's mentally 8! A 2nd grader!
SIGN    Karamatsu 
    Holy crap!
SIGN    I-matsu 
    Once in a while, we hear idiots say, 
    "That's what makes him great"...
SIGN    I-matsu and T-matsu
     ...but as his family...
[07:37] Kara
    You have my sympathy!
[07:40] Jyushi
    Now, then...
[07:41] Jyushi
    Let's ask some AIs for their evaluation.
[07:44] Jyushi
    What's the expected value of becoming
    happy with Matsuno Osomatsu?
[07:46] Both
    We will now determine the expected value.
SIGN    Smelly
SIGN    Brat
SIGN    Floppy
SIGN    Stupid
SIGN    Error   Danger   Bug Discovered  NEET   Danger   Unknown   Piece of Shit
[07:54] Jyushi
    This is all you need to know.
[07:56] Chibi
    Missy, you should lay off of him.
[07:59] Chibi
    I've been his friend since we were kids,
    so I know what I'm talking about, you idjit.
[08:02] Chibi
    Right, Hatabou?
[08:03] Hata
    He's insane, jo! Stay away from him!
[08:07] Chibi
    Hatabou can vouch for this, too,
    and he never talks like this.
[08:12] Mom
    Hashimoto Nyaa-san, don't do anything rash!
[08:15] Dad
    Are you willing to let
    your life go to waste?
[08:17] Dad
    He's way more of a handful than a baby!
SIGN    We are against this!
[08:20] Mom
    Just don't!
[08:21] Dad
    Just don't!
[08:22] Both
    Rethink your decision!
[08:34] Kara
    Ch-Choromatsu!
[08:36] Todo
    Nii-san...
[08:39] Todo
    He's the one who's been
    hit hardest by this news.
[08:42] Todo
    His beloved idol used to be
    married and has a child,
[08:45] Todo
    and now, the one she fell in love with
    happens to be our oldest brother.
[08:52] Ichi
    I'm surprised you made it here alive.
[08:54] Jyushi
    There's no way he can watch someone
    he loves so much fall into misery.
[08:58] Kara
    That's our superhero!
[09:00] All
    You've got this!
[09:03] Choro
    N-Nyaa-chan... You're free
    to love whoever you want,
[09:08] Choro
    but you're making a big mistake.
[09:12] Choro
    So please, listen to our advice—
[09:14] Nyaa
    Hey.
[09:16] Nyaa
    Who do you think you are,
    calling me "Nyaa-chan"?
[09:20] Nyaa
    We're not friends. I don't even know you.
[09:23] Choro
    Y-Y-Y-You don't know me?!
[09:28] Choro
    S-So you never even acknowledged me...
[09:33] All
    Choromatsu!
[09:40] Nyaa
    Could you just leave now?
[09:42] Nyaa
    I chose him. I love him.
[09:45] Nyaa
    Just leave me alone!
[09:46] Toto
    Sh-Shit!
[09:47] Kara
    We really need to figure something out!
SIGN    Nyaa </3 Osomatsu
    Reverse Cupid Plan
[10:16] Choro
    Hello, it's me, Choromatsu.
SIGN    Varanasi, India
[10:19] Choro
    I'm currently in Varanasi.
[10:22] Choro
    My plan is to ride buses
    until I get to London.
[10:27] Choro
    I'm on this journey to forget that
    inconceivable memory of someone
[10:31] Choro
    saying that piece of shit
    is more popular than me.
SIGN    Dramatic Travelogue Choro Express
SIGN    
A Journey to Reset
[10:42] Choro
    Ah... Slowly, I'm feeling at peace.
[10:46] Choro
    Being overseas is great.
[10:48] Choro
    I think this will help me forget
    those ominous memories.
[11:12] Deka
    Did you hear this?
[11:14] Dayon
    What?
[11:16] Deka
    I heard that the oldest Matsuno
     boy is an absolute .
[11:20] Dayon
    Eek! What a good-for-nothing!
[11:26] Iyami
    Hey, miss.
[11:28] Iyami
    What about me?
    Me is basically just like him.
[11:34] Iyami
    Sheeeh?
[11:37] Nyaa
    Nope.
[11:38] Iyami
    Sheeeh?!
SIGN    Izakaya
SIGN    Akatsuka Izakaya
[11:55] Kara
    Guys, let's do this according to plan.
[11:57] All
    Yeah!
[11:59] Kara
    She just doesn't know the real Osomatsu yet.
[12:02] Kara
    Because of that,
    we're going to let her meet him,
[12:04] Kara
    have her face reality,
    and bring her back to her senses.
[12:06] Todo
    To do that, we need to make that
    idiot drink as much alcohol as possible.
[12:10] Todo
    He'll definitely do something if he's drunk.
[12:11] Todo
    Got it?
[12:12] All
    Yeah.
[12:13] Ichi
    So we're letting him dig
    his own grave. Nice plan.
[12:16] Jyushi
    Who came up with it?
[12:18] All
    Well done, Totty.
[12:20] Kara
    Now she'll be saved. Actually, the
    world will be one step closer to peace.
[12:25] Kara
    This is an excellent
    contribution to society.
[12:27] Kara
    Put your all into this for the
    sake of world peace, you guys!
[12:30] All
    Yeah!
[12:31] Kara
    When it comes to Osomatsu...
[12:32] All
    Just don't!
[12:33] Kara
    When it comes to Osomatsu...
[12:34] All
    Just don't!
[12:35] Kara
    When it comes to Osomatsu...
[12:36] All
    Just don't!
[12:37] Kara
    All right!
[12:39] Toto
    He should be showing up any minute.
[12:41] All
    Yeah.
[12:59] Kara
    He's still not here! The hell is he doing?!
[13:01] Ichi
    We planned to meet at six, right?!
[13:03] Jyushi
    We did! And Osomatsu-niisan is the
    one who said that time worked best!
[13:07] Toto
    What's going on? The hell's going on?!
[13:22] Nyaa
    He promised to meet us here,
    and even picked the time...
[13:27] Nya
    And he's late. I love it.
[13:32] Jyushi
    He's finally here!
[13:33] Todo
    You're late!
[13:34] Toto
    Come on!
[13:35] Oso
    Sorry, my bad.
[13:37] Kara
    Where the hell were you?!
[13:39] Oso
    Huh? Playing pachinko.
[13:40] All
    What?!
[13:41] Oso
    I was on a surprising roll today.
[13:43] Jyushi
    We promised to meet up at six!
[13:45] Ichi
    What's wrong with you?!
[13:46] Toto
    You jackass!
[13:49] Nyaa
    He chose pachinko over
    his plans with others...
[13:52] Nyaa
    I love it.
[13:54] Kara
    Your bedhead is out of control.
     I told you we'd be meeting with a lady today!
[13:58] Oso
    Huh?
[13:59] Nyaa
    I love it.
[14:00] All
    Huh?
[14:01] Jyushi
    Hey! We haven't toasted yet.
[14:03] Nyaa
    He's great.
[14:06] Nyaa
    He's great.
[14:08] All
    Hey!
[14:11] Oso
    Totoko-chwan!
[14:18] Oso
    Huh?
[14:21] Oso
    By the way...
[14:23] Oso
    Who are you?
[14:23] All
    Huh?!
[14:24] Nyaa
    Oh my gosh! And he
    doesn't even remember me!
[14:28] Toto
    Yeah, there's no saving her.
[14:28] Nyaa
    I love him!
[14:30] All
    Yeah.
[14:35] Choro
    Hello. It's me, Choromatsu.
[14:38] Choro
    I'm currently in Egypt.
[14:40] Choro
    I heard that pieces of shit were more
    popular, so I tried being one, and...
[14:46] Choro
    I was arrested. I'm scared.
[14:49] Choro
    I didn't want to be held prisoner by
    anything anymore, so I left Japan,
[14:53] Choro
    and now I'm literally a prisoner.
    Life's pretty funny, isn't it?
[14:58] Choro
    But some good things came out of this.
[15:02] Choro
    I don't have time to think
[15:04] Choro
    about anything other than eating,
    going to the bathroom, and sleeping,
[15:09] Choro
    so I don't let the little
    things get me down.
[15:12] Choro
    There's no envy, no self-loathing, and no hope.
[15:15] Choro
    And because there's no hope, I'm in a lovely
    state where there's also no despair.
[15:20] Choro
    I don't know how much happier I am
[15:22] Choro
    being a prisoner physically
    versus being one mentally,
[15:25] Choro
    but the fact that I'm thinking this way
    might be a sign that I'm still a prisoner.
[15:31] Choro
    I shouldn't feel trapped, but I do,
[15:33] Choro
    but I also feel trapped by the fact that
    I don't feel trapped over feeling trapped.
[15:37] Choro
    What the hell am I even saying?
[15:38] Choro
    I feel like I might go insane.
[15:41] Choro
    Anyway, I'm going to try to live life
    without being held prisoner by anyone.
SIGN    Izakaya
SIGN    Akatsuka Izakaya
[15:54] Oso
    I see. You're the girl from back then.
[15:56] Nyaa
    Yes. You were a lifesaver!
[15:59] Oso
    Hey, no problem.
[16:02] Ichi
    He's getting pretty drunk.
[16:04] Jyushi
    Yeah.
[16:05] Oso
    Hey, you've been acting
    kinda bashful around me.
[16:08] Oso
    Could it be...
[16:09] Oso
    that you like me?
[16:10] Nyaa
    Huh?
[16:13] Oso
    Just kidding!
[16:15] Ichi
    He's gonna do something.
[16:16] Todo
    Do it!
[16:17] Jyushi
    Freak her out!
[16:17] Oso
    Uh? Hello? Do you like me?
[16:18] Kara
    Make her hate you!
[16:20] Oso
    You wanna go out with me, then?
    Wanna go on a date?
[16:25] Nya
    Yes.
[16:27] Five
    Huh?
[16:28] Nyaa
    I would... like to date you.
[16:32] Nyaa
    Please.
[16:59] Jyushi
    What's going on?
[17:00] Jyushi
    He's actually going out on a
    date with someone that cute!
[17:03] Kara
    This world is messed up. It's insane.
[17:06] Ichi
    Everything we've been taught
    up until now has been a lie.
[17:10] Ichi
    You'll always get punished
    if you do something wrong?
[17:13] Todo
    Nah. I mean, obviously you win
    out if you're a piece of shit.
[17:16] Jyushi
    But God is watching!
[17:17] Kara
    The hell he is! Did he doze off?!
[17:20] Todo
    So did anyone find Choromatsu-niisan?
[17:23] Ichi
    He's still missing.
[17:25] Ichi
    That poor bastard.
[17:26] Ichi
    Hopefully he's alive somewhere.
[17:28] All
    Yeah.
[17:29] Jyushi
    Should we file a missing person's report?
[17:30] Todo
    Nah, we don't need to go that far.
[17:33] Kara
    And what are we gonna do about that?
[17:35] Kara
    He hasn't come out at all.
[17:39] Kara
    Hey, Osomatsu.
[17:40] Jyushi
    Osomatsu-niisan! Come out!
[17:42] Kara
    The hell are you doing? Actually,
    how did you even get under there?
[17:45] Todo
    Jyushimatsu-niisan, drag him out.
[17:47] Jyushi
    Aye!
[17:51] Jyushi
    I can't. He's super strong.
[17:53] Jyushi
    I feel an unbreakable will
    as strong as a demon's.
[17:55] Todo
    What?
[17:56] Ichi
    Hey, jackass. You've got a
    date tomorrow afternoon.
[17:59] Ichi
    Remember to go, and don't be late.
[18:03] Kara
    Huh? He's saying something.
[18:05] ---
    What?
[18:07] Jyushi
    That was so quiet. What'd you say?
[18:10] Jyushi
    He said, "I don't know."
[18:12] Kara
    What doesn't he know?
[18:14] Jyushi
    He doesn't know what he doesn't know.
[18:16] All
    Huh?
[18:19] Jyushi
    He doesn't know anything.
[18:21] Jyushi
    "I don't know."
[18:22] Oso
    I don't know. I don't know.
[18:24] Jyushi
    "I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
    I don't know. I don't know."
[18:28] Kara
    Wait, what? What's going on?
[18:31] Totty
    Ooh, Totty's figured it out!
[18:34] Totty
    So basically...
[18:36] Totty
    You ass!
[18:37] Totty
    You're scared, aren't you?!
[18:39] Kara
    Seriously?! That's so lame!
[18:40] Jyushi
    So lame!
[18:41] Ichi
    So lame!
[18:42] Kara
    You said you'd go, so go!
[18:45] Todo
    Where'd your cockiness go?!
[18:47] Ichi
    Are you all talk?!
[18:52] Todo
    The hell?
[18:55] Jyushi
    "Someone wear this."
[18:57] Jyushi
    "Make yourself look like me."
[19:00] Jyushi
    "And go on this date in my place"?!
[19:03] All
    You're awful, you know that?!
[19:06] Jyushi
    Don't run! No hiding!
[19:07] Todo
    That's just super rude to Nyaa-chan!
[19:09] Ichi
    At least have the balls to
    turn her down yourself!
[19:12] Jyushi
    Come down here, you jerk!
[19:13] Todo
    This is who you are?
    You're such a disappointment!
[19:15] Ichi
    Oldest brother, my ass!
[19:17] Kara
    Hold it.
[19:18] Kara
    That's enough.
[19:20] Kara
    I can understand how
    Osomatsu must be feeling.
[19:23] Todo
    K-Karamatsu-niisan...
[19:27] Kara
    Have no fear, Osomatsu.
[19:29] Kara
    I'll go on this date for you.
[19:31] All
    Wait, wait, wait.
[19:32] Todo
    No!
[19:33] Kara
    Huh?
[19:34] Todo
    She'll figure it out immediately,
    plus it's honestly really rude.
[19:39] Todo
    I'll go on this date.
[19:40] All
    Wait, wait, wait.
[19:41] Jyushi
    I'll go.
[19:42] All
    Wait, wait, wait.
[19:44] Ichi
    Okay, I'll go.
[19:47] Kara
    I wanna go on a date, too!
[19:48] Todo
    I wanna go on a date!
[19:49] Jyushi
    I want someone to love me!
[19:50] Ichi
    I want to be popular!
SIGN    Hybrid Oden
[21:40] Nyaa
    I'm sorry!
[21:42] Nyaa
    I-I'm so sorry!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:44] Oso
    Sorry to keep you waiting,
    all you dog lovers out there!
[23:47] Oso
    The next episode of Mr. Osomatsu is "Dogs!"
SIGN    "Dogs"   etc.
[23:50] Oso
    To all you crayfish lovers out there,
    you'll have to wait a little longer!

E19 - Dogs
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "Are They Disbanding?"
[00:08] ume
    No one's laughing at our jokes.
[00:09] shake
    Yeah.
[00:11] ume
    Comedy is so hard. We haven't been
    able to create the right algorithm.
[00:14] Ume
    What does "You're so funny that
    no one's laughing" even mean?
SIGN    Comedy Theory:  Unknown
[00:17] Ume
    Then there's the opposite, "You're so
    not funny, it's hilarious." The hell?
[00:21] Ume
    What does it all mean?!
     What's the right answer?!
[00:26] Shake
    Yeah.
[00:27] Ume
    Crap. We're never going to win
    the competition like this.
[00:30] Ume
    The prelims for the A-1 Grand Prix
     are going to start soon.
[00:34] Ume
    Gosh, I'd love to make it to the finals.
     I'd love to win even more.
[00:38] Shake
    Yeah.
[00:39] Ume
    No, no. I need to stop daydreaming
    and think about our show tomorrow.
[00:44] Ume
    What routine should we use?
[00:46] Ume
    We need to be popular at our
    shows to win at the A-1, too.
SIGN    A-1 Semifinal
[00:50] Ume
    The semifinal round is a
    live performance, after all.
[00:54] Ume
    If we manage to capture the crowd,
    they'll laugh and clap.
[00:57] Ume
    If the crowd loves us, the judges
    will have to let us through.
[01:01] Ume
    But if we get through that
    and make it to the finals,
[01:05] Ume
    we'll be on TV next. That's the hard part.
[01:09] Ume
    I mean, we made our routine
    for a live audience, not TV.
[01:13] Ume
    If we do a routine for a live audience,
[01:15] Ume
    we might make it through the prelims.
[01:17] Ume
    But the finals are going to be on live TV,
[01:20] Ume
    so things might be too different,
    and people might not find us funny.
[01:23] Ume
    How do we figure out that balance?
SIGN    A-1 Grand Prix Routine 3-5
SIGN    Pickled Plum: Hello, I'm Pickled Plum.  Salmon: Hello, I'm Salmon. And together, we're the Riceballs.  Pickled Plum: (Fill in with recent joke) Salmon: (Reply with something that's older) Pickled Plum: That's old! That's got  nothing to do with this! Salmon: (Ask the crowd) -> (But what if we're in a studio?) Pickled Plum: Don't ask people for help!  Don't trouble our audience like that! Salmon: (Suddenly change the subject) Make sure to grab the audience  to make them think we're funnier ->  (That'll make the judges think better of us)
SIGN    Lines are too long and we go over our time ->  If we're in studio, they'll just edit us
SIGN    Pickled Plum: Wow, you suddenly  changed the subject. And? Salmon: Well, I was just thinking rating others is hard.  An idol asked me to rate her,  but she's not cute at all. She keeps coming back  wearing these costumes, but they're all like fish.  Not to mention, they're all really creepy.  Where did she even get those?  Why would you even decide  to be a sea urchin or a nautilus? Just explaining the situation isn't funny Pickled Plum: Wait, what are  you even talking about? This might be funny live Try doing over the top  gestures here (Algorithm pattern MI5)
[01:25] Ume
    What is the right balance?
[01:27] Ume
    This is too complicated for an AI!
    I want humans to think we're funny!
[01:31] Ume
    I want them to laugh!
[01:36] Ume
    Salmon, are you listening?
[01:38] Shake
    Huh?
[01:39] Ume
    Why are you playing games?
    I'm trying to think up routines here.
[01:43] Shake
    Sorry.
[01:46] Ume
    You need to take this more seriously.
    Otherwise, we'll never make it to the finals.
[01:50] Ume
    Are you even trying?
[01:52] Shake
    Yeah.
[01:53] Ume
    Are you putting in any effort?
[01:54] Shake
    Yeah.
[01:55] Ume
    What are you even doing? Have you been
    going out drinking with our seniors,
[01:59] Ume
    thinking up jokes,
    and doing stuff for comedy?
[02:01] Shake
    Don't pressure me like this.
[02:02] Ume
    Are you thinking up funny situations?
    Watching other comedians?
[02:05] Shake
    I said don't pressure me!
[02:06] Shake
    I know you're nervous with
    the competition coming up,
[02:09] Shake
    but don't put pressure on me
    to relieve your own stress!
[02:11] Ume
    You haven't even memorized our routines.
[02:14] Ume
    Why do you keep messing them up?
[02:15] Ume
    You get the pauses and the nuances wrong, too.
[02:18] Ume
    You're not even writing the routines,
    so at least memorize them.
[02:21] Shake
    You're able to memorize them
    quickly because you're writing them!
[02:24] Ume
    Huh?
[02:25] Shake
    I'm grateful that you're writing our routines.
SIGN    Lines are too long and we go over our time ->  If we're in studio, they'll just edit us
SIGN    Pickled Plum: Wow, you suddenly  changed the subject. And? Salmon: Well, I was just thinking rating others is hard.  An idol asked me to rate her,  but she's not cute at all. She keeps coming back  wearing these costumes, but they're all like fish.  Not to mention, they're all really creepy.  Where did she even get those?  Why would you even decide  to be a sea urchin or a nautilus? Just explaining the situation isn't funny Pickled Plum: Wait, what are  you even talking about? This might be funny live Try doing over the top  gestures here (Algorithm pattern MI5)
[02:27] Shake
    But it's harder being the one
    who doesn't write them.
[02:30] Shake
    Must be nice, having it in your head
     already because you wrote it.
[02:34] Shake
    Also, you give me the scripts way too late.
[02:37] Shake
    I can't memorize a new
    routine the day before!
[02:40] Ume
    Maybe if you were human!
[02:42] ume
    AIs should be able to memorize them quickly!
[02:45] shake
    Maybe if we were actually decent AIs!
[02:48] shake
    We can't! Look how messed up we are!
[02:51] ume
    I'm always the one who makes you funny.
[02:54] Shake
    Wow! If you say that to your partner,
    we're finished!
[02:57] Shake
    I'm the one who always makes you funny!
[03:00] Ume
    You just said it yourself!
[03:01] Ume
    You need to work harder!
[03:02] Shake
    I am working hard!
[03:03] Ume
    You need to think about me more!
[03:04] Shake
    And you need to think about me!
[03:09] Both
    Hmph!
[03:13] Ume
    We might be at our limit.
[03:16] Ume
    Maybe... we should think about disbanding.
[03:23] Oso
    Yeah, it must be rough to
    keep up a comedy duo.
[03:27] Shake
    So, Osomatsu-kun, could you
    talk to Pickled Plum for me?
[03:31] Oso
    Nah, too much work.
[03:33] Shake
    Please!
[03:34] Oso
    Uh...
[03:36] Choro
    That sounds rough.
[03:37] Choro
    But why not wait a bit
    longer before you disband?
[03:41] Choro
    Don't worry. I'll try talking to Salmon.
[03:46] Ume
    Thank you, Choromatsu-kun.
[03:46] Shake
    Please, Osomatsu-kun.
[03:51] Oso
    Nah, nah, nah.
[03:52] Choro
    Nah, nah, nah.
[03:53] Oso
    Salmon's doing his best.
[03:55] Choro
    So is Pickled Plum.
[03:56] Oso
    Pickled Plum is way too logical.
    He thinks way too much.
[04:00] Oso
    Why not forget all the minor
    details and just have fun?
[04:05] Choro
    That's exactly what an amateur would think.
[04:07] Choro
    Sure, that sounds nice,
    and it might be correct,
[04:10] Choro
    but being that half-assed isn't
    going to get them anywhere.
[04:13] Choro
    They need to think all of this through.
[04:15] Oso
    Even so, Salmon's doing his best here.
[04:18] Oso
    You need to at least acknowledge that,
     or he won't be able to stay motivated.
[04:22] Choro
    I know he's trying, but it's not enough.
    That's why we're discussing this.
[04:25] Choro
    I think I'm the one who really
    wants these two to succeed here.
[04:29] Oso
    You're way too serious.
[04:30] Choro
    And you're way too half-assed.
[04:32] Oso
    Being the funny one is difficult.
    Must be nice being you.
[04:35] Oso
    People think you're actually the proper one.
[04:38] Oso
    Like you have it all together.
    People naturally think highly of you.
[04:41] Choro
    It's harder doing the retorts.
[04:43] Choro
    Must be nice being you.
[04:44] Choro
    People think you're funny if you
    just make up crap on the spot.
[04:47] Choro
    People don't care if you
    mess up? That's awesome!
[04:49] Choro
    I have to manage by existing in your shadow!
[04:51] Oso
    Why don't you take my place, then?
[04:53] Oso
    See how it feels when people
    call you stupid, shit,
[04:56] Oso
    or the devil even though you're funny!
[04:57] Oso
    I'm human, too, so that shit hurts!
[04:59] Choro
    Well, take my place, then!
[05:01] Choro
    Just try doing my job!
[05:03] Choro
    I mean, I'm always doing all the shit you
    should be doing as the oldest brother!
[05:07] Choro
    Because no one in this
    house would ever even try!
[05:11] Oso
    I've got it harder than you!
[05:13] Choro
    No, I've got it harder!
[05:14] Oso
    I'm the one who makes you funny!
[05:16] Choro
    No, I'm the one who makes you funny!
[05:19] Oso
    What'd you say?!
[05:20] Choro
    What?!
[05:21] Oso
    Your face is dumb!
[05:22] Choro
    No, your face is dumb!
[05:23] Oso
    Your voice is dumb!
[05:24] Choro
    No, your voice is dumb!
[05:25] Oso
    Your dick is small, too!
[05:27] Choro
    Yours is smaller!
[05:28] Both
    Mine's bigger, you jackass!
[05:30] Both
    What?!
[05:37] Ume
    Thanks for everything.
[05:38] Shake
    No, thank you.
[05:41] Ume
    I'm sorry I said something so mean.
[05:42] Shake
    It's okay.
[05:44] Ume
    I want you to be my partner, Salmon.
[05:46] Shake
    And I want you to be my partner, Pickled Plum.
[05:49] Shake
    Let's keep doing our best together.
[05:51] Ume
    Yeah.
[05:53] Oso
    Whip out your tiny dick!
[05:56] Choro
    Shut up! Die!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Sumo Stable"
SIGN    Matsu Stable
[07:32] Mura
    Hey, guys.
[07:34] Mura
    This is the new apprentice, Todomatsu-kun.
[07:37] Mura
    He'll be joining our stable as of today.
[07:39] Mura
    Say hello.
[07:41] Todo
    I-I'm the new apprentice, Matsuno Todomatsu.
[07:43] Todo
    It's nice to meet all of you.
[07:45] Mura
    Now I'll introduce your senior apprentices.
SIGN    Osonohana
[07:48] Mura
    Osonohana.
[07:49] Oso
    Heya!
SIGN    Karashouryuu
[07:51] Mura
    Karashouryuu.
[07:53] Kara
    Ulaanbaatar!
SIGN    Choronofuji
[07:55] Mura
    Choronofuji.
[07:56] Choro
    I'm out of energy!
SIGN    Nekodamashi
[07:58] Mura
    Nekodamashi.
[08:00] Ichi
    Mrow.
SIGN    Jyushimatsu
[08:02] Mura
    Jyushimatsu.
[08:03] Jyushi
    Jyushimatsu!
[08:05] Todo
    Whoa, they're all so huge!
[08:08] Todo
    They look so strong!
[08:09] Mura
    None of them have won a single match yet.
[08:11] Todo
    What?!
[08:12] Mura
    I'm leaving the rest to you guys.
[08:14] All
    Got it!
[08:17] Oso
    Nice to meet you.
[08:18] Oso
    It's gonna be difficult at first, but eat
    lots, train lots, and get stronger!
[08:23] Todo
    Right.
[08:24] Kara
    If there's something you don't
    understand, just $@#$@**#%I($$@.
[08:27] Todo
    Sorry, I didn't quite catch—
[08:30] Choro
    (@##)$#@#.
[08:32] Ichi
    (@)$@**$#.
[08:34] Jyushi
    $$#)%*.
[08:37] All**
    (@#*$)@%$$(%@#($##$%.
[08:43] Kara**
    Well? Did you catch all that?
[08:45] Todo
    Yup, sure did! I'll do my best!
[08:51] Oso
    Get out here now!
[08:53] Todo
    Peek.
[09:00] Oso
    Get out here.
[09:01] Todo
    It's too embarrassing!
     I don't look good in this thing!
[09:06] Oso
    Hurry up!
[09:07] Todo
    Don't stare too hard, okay?
[09:13] Todo
    Stop staring! It's so embarrassing! Jeez!
[09:16] Todo
    Oh, my gosh!
[09:29] Todo
    H-Hey, wait. Slowly, okay? Slowly.
[09:33] Todo
    Ow, ow, ow, owie! Jeez,
    you dummy! You jerk! I said slowly!
[09:39] Todo
    Owie! Stop!
[09:42] Todo
    Ow, ow, ow, ow, owie!
[09:43] Ichi
    I haven't pushed yet.
[09:44] Todo
    Owie!
[09:45] Ichi
    I'm not pushing!
[09:46] Todo
    I said owie!
[09:47] Todo
    Gosh! Ugh!
[09:52] Todo
    I'll just do it myself!
[09:59] Todo
    There, all done!
[10:02] Kara
    Now to practice your charging.
[10:03] Kara
    Come at me!
[10:05] Todo
    Good work, guys.
[10:07] Kara
    Hold it!
[10:16] Todo
    I'm scared! I can't do it!
[10:20] Todo
    Here I go!
[10:21] Kara
    Come on!
[10:25] Kara
    Harder!
[10:27] Todo
    Right, harder.
[10:28] Todo
    Here I go!
[10:36] Todo
    Good work, guys!
[10:37] Kara
    Hold it!
[10:49] ---
    Hey!
[10:56] Jyushimatsu
    Don't turn into a kamaboko!
[10:58] Todo
    Huh? Kamaboko?
[11:00] Choro
    That's what we call jerks
[11:02] Choro
    who don't do anything
    during training other than
[11:05] Choro
    rest their backs against the wall.
[11:07] Todo
    Huh... A kamaboko... That's so cute!
[11:10] Both
    What?!
[11:18] Choro
    That's not right at all.
[11:21] Choro
    This is how you do it!
[11:23] Todo
    Got it!
[11:28] Choro
    Put your back into it!
[11:30] Todo
    Got it!
[11:50] Five
    He's too weak...
SIGN    Matsu Stable
[11:53] Oso
    Are you even trying?
[11:55] Oso
    Do you really want to
    become a sumo wrestler?
[11:58] Todo
    Yes, I want to be a sumo wrestler.
[12:01] Todo
    I mean, sumo wrestlers are just so cool.
[12:04] Todo
    They're big and strong...
    I want to be like that, too.
[12:09] Kara
    I see. I guess he does really want this.
[12:13] Choro
    I suppose we can look after him a bit longer.
[12:16] Todo
    Choronofuji!
[12:17] Oso
    Oh, fine.
[12:19] Todo
    Osonohana!
[12:20] Kara
    You've got this!
[12:21] Jyushi
    Don't give up!
[12:22] Todo
    Karashouryuu! Jyushimatsu!
[12:24] Ichi
    Right. Let's start training, then.
[12:31] Ichi
    Don't hate us.
[12:32] Kara
    Give it all you've got.
[12:33] Todo
    Right!
[12:34] Oso
    Okay, let's start our training back up!
SIGN    Matsu Stable
[12:37] Todo
    Thank you!
[12:48] Oso
    Eat lots.
[12:49] Oso
    We're gonna get even bigger! Let's eat!
[12:52] All
    Let's eat!
SIGN    Pleasant 
    Granola
    Yum!
[12:58] Todo
    Thanks for the food.
[12:59] Five
    Hey!
[13:00] Kara
    Eat the chanko stew, you dummy!
[13:02] Choro
    You won't get bigger if you don't!
[13:04] Both
    Eat it! Eat it!
[13:06] Todo
    Nah, I'm good. I'm already full.
[13:08] ---
    Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!
[13:11] Todo
    I can't. If I eat any more, I'm gonna puke.
[13:13] Todo
    Nope, gonna puke.
[13:21] Todo
    Shut up!
[13:23] Todo
    You dumbass! Shut up! I can't sleep!
[13:30] Five
    Hey!
[13:38] Todo
    Owie!
[13:40] Todo
    Owie!
[13:44] Todo
    Here's your chanko stew!
[13:47] Five
    Hot!
[13:51] Oso
    Please! Just give up!
[13:54] Kara
    You can't do anything! Just give up!
[13:59] Choro
    Please, give up!
[14:01] Ichi
    Give up!
[14:03] Jyushi
    Give up!
SIGN    Matsu Stable
[14:23] Kara
    That good-for-nothing! He can't do anything!
[14:25] Oso
    But he's sorta adorable,
    so let's keep him around.
[14:28] Kara
    Yeah.
[14:30] Todo
    That hurt, jeez!
[14:32] Todo
    Ugh, I'm done!
SIGN    End
[14:36] Todo
    I can't! I can't! I can't!
SIGN    "Dogs"
[14:44] Jyushi
    Shake.
[14:46] Jyushi
    Other paw.
[14:47] Jyushi
    Now beg.
[14:50] Jyushi
    You're so smart.
[14:52] Jyushi
    Jeez, that tickles!
[14:54] Jyushi
    Stay.
[14:56] Jyushi
    Okay!
[15:01] Jyushi
    Bang!
[15:03] Jyushi
    Now come back!
[15:05] Jyushi
    Aw, you're so smart!
[15:18] Jyushi
    Here it goes!
[15:27] Jyushi
    You're so good, Wanta. Great job!
[15:33] Jyushi
    What? You want me to throw this, too?
[15:37] Jyushi
    Okay!
[15:38] Jyushi
    Here it goes!
[15:42] Jyushi
    Oh, crap!
[16:29] Ichi
    Jyushimatsu? The hell are you doing?
[16:34] Ichi
    Huh?
[16:37] Ichi
    Huh? What?
[16:49] Ichi
    C-Could it be that...
[16:53] Ichi
    Jyushimatsu?
[16:56] Ichi
    Jyushimatsu!
[17:04] Ichi
    U-Uh...
[17:06] Ichi
    Which one's Jyushimatsu here?
[17:08] Ichi
    Um...
[17:16] Ichi
    Hang on a second! Stop playing for now!
[17:19] Ichi
    Which one are you?
[17:22] Ichi
    Will the real Jyushimatsu
    please raise his hand?
[17:26] Ichi
    I knew it!
[17:28] Ichi
    Of course! You're Jyushimatsu!
[17:32] Ichi
    You are Jyushimatsu, right? Right?
[17:36] Ichi
    I knew it... Crap.
[17:38] Ichi
    You switched bodies with a dog.
[17:41] Ichi
    What did you even do?
[17:44] Ichi
    So you fell from here?
[17:47] Ichi
    That's the reason. That's when
    you two switched bodies.
[17:53] Ichi
    How the hell didn't you notice?!
[17:56] Ichi
    Look! That's clearly you!
[17:58] Ichi
    That's Jyushimatsu!
[18:00] Ichi
    You guys switched bodies!
[18:04] Ichi
    How do you not understand this?!
[18:06] Ichi
    That's you, right? That's Jyushimatsu.
[18:09] Ichi
    But you're Jyushimatsu, too, right?
[18:11] Ichi
    That's messed up. You guys switched.
[18:15] Ichi
    Get a clue already!
[18:17] Ichi
    No playing! You need to find a solution.
[18:21] Ichi
    Take a look at your hand.
    That's clearly a dog's paw.
[18:26] Ichi
    See? You're clearly over here.
[18:30] Ichi
    Got it? Do you finally understand?
[18:33] Ichi
    This means your mind has been
    swapped out with the dog's.
[18:41] Ichi
    Why are you laughing?
    You need to believe me!
[18:45] Ichi
    Your body's a dog now, right?
[18:48] Ichi
    This is your real body, right?
[18:51] Ichi
    So your minds have switched.
[18:54] Ichi
    Get a friggin' clue!
[18:56] Ichi
    Stop playing!
[19:05] Ichi
    You're telling me to throw it?
[19:07] Ichi
    Now's really not the time for that.
[19:11] Ichi
    Okay, fine. Just once, got it?
[19:14] Ichi
    There.
[19:26] Ichi
    Pet him?
[19:28] Ichi
    Here.
[19:32] Ichi
    Help me!
[19:35] Ichi
    That's gross!
[19:36] Ichi
    No! Jyushimatsu, make him
    stop! Make him stop!
[19:44] Ichi
    That was hell... But anyway...
[19:46] Ichi
    We need to figure out how to turn him back.
[19:56] Ichi
    Do you finally get it? Took you long enough.
[20:00] Ichi
    Don't try to get inside him.
[20:02] Ichi
    That's not happening.
[20:04] Ichi
    There's no other way. You two need
    to fall down these steps again.
[20:12] Ichi
    I know you're scared, but there's no
    other way. It's to return you to normal.
[20:16] Ichi
    Here we go.
[20:18] Ichi
    Three, two, one...
[20:23] Ichi
    Crap! He ran away!
[20:31] Ichi
    Don't worry, Jyushimatsu.
[20:34] Ichi
    I'll catch that runaway dog.
[20:38] Ichi
    I promise I'll turn you back to normal.
[20:41] Ichi
    You're my precious little brother, after all.
[20:46] Ichi
    Wait here!
[21:09] Ichi
    I overestimated my physical abilities.
[21:12] Ichi
    I'm sorry.
[21:30] Choro
    Honestly, there's not much of a difference.
[21:33] Choro
    You can barely tell.
[21:34] Todo
    I mean, Jyushimatsu-niisan's
    always been like this.
[21:37] Todo
    He's basically like a dog.
[21:39] Oso
    A dog, huh? I guess stuff like
    this happens all the time.
[21:44] Kara
    Jyushimatsu, to your cage!
[21:47] Kara
    Cage!
[21:49] Oso
    Oh, jeez!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:34] Kara
    Next week on Mr. Osomatsu, 
    we have "Persimmons."
[23:36] Kara
    You know, the fruit.
[23:38] Kara
    In English, it's "persimmons."
[23:39] Kara
    Huh? Persimmons? But it's "kaki" in Japanese.
    They're nothing alike at all.
[23:44] Kara
    Okay, I'm going on a journey to
    find the persimmons of my soul.
[23:48] Kara
    I hope all of you also find the
    persimmons of your souls, too.
SIGN    "Persimmons"  etc.
[23:50] Kara
    Persimmon journey!
[23:52] Kara
    Ignition.

E20 - Persimmons
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "Let's Buy Them"
[00:11] Oso
    They took down the partition...
[00:14] Todo
    ...so they're right out in the open.
SIGN    Barely There  Hyaluronic Acid
SIGN    Harely There Super Thin
SIGN    Magnum
[00:18] Oso
    Damn it. What the hell?
[00:20] Oso
    What are they trying to tell us?
[00:22] Oso
    They're looking right at us!
[00:24] Todo
    What is this pressure?
    Why am I feeling so worked up?
[00:27] Todo
    Damn it! Stop looking at us!
    What are you trying to say?
[00:31] Oso
    I mean, we...
[00:33] Todo
    I mean, we...
[00:41] Todo
    Wanna buy them?
[00:43] Oso
    T-Totty! What are you saying?!
[00:46] Todo
    Let's just buy them already!
[00:47] Todo
    There's no point in cowering
    forever like this!
[00:50] Oso
    Y-You can't mean we should
    actually buy them!
[00:52] Oso
    B-But that's...
[00:56] Todo
    Why are your knees quaking?!
     How pathetic are you?
[00:59] Todo
    We're going to use them someday!
[01:00] Todo
    So we can just buy them now!
    We'll need them someday!
[01:04] Oso
    B-But... I mean... They're sort of expensive.
[01:07] Todo
    We're gonna use them someday!
[01:09] Todo
    Aren't you going to use them?!
[01:10] Oso
    I am...
[01:11] Todo
    Do you plan on never using them?!
[01:13] Oso
    No...
[01:14] Todo
    You'll use them someday, right?
[01:15] Oso
    Yeah!
[01:15] Todo
    So let's buy them right now!
[01:17] Todo
    Let's both pitch in!
[01:25] Oso
    All right. I'll buy them.
[01:28] Todo
    Well said!
[01:29] Todo
    Don't underestimate us!
     We're gonna buy you!
[01:32] Oso
    And we'll use you!
[01:34] Todo
    We'll use this opportunity to
    finally take a step forward!
[01:36] Oso
    Yeah!
[01:37] Todo
    We're gonna buy you!
[01:38] Oso
    Yeah!
SIGN    Barely There  Hyaluronic Acid
SIGN    Harely There Super Thin
SIGN    Magnum
[01:40] Both
    We're gonna buy you!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Matsuno Choromatsu  Memorial Hall
[03:26] Sign
    National
SIGN    Matsuno Choromatsu  Memorial Hall
SIGN    "Choromatsu Memorial Hall"
SIGN    Celebrating
    Matsuno Choromatsu 
    Memorial Hall
[03:36] Todo
    "Matsuno Choromatsu Memorial Hall"?
[03:39] Choro
    Good day, everyone.
[03:40] Choro
    I'm the director of the Matsuno Choromatsu
    Memorial Hall, Matsuno Choromatsu.
[03:44] Choro
    I am truly grateful to see
    the coming of this glorious day.
[03:50] Choro
    You may be wondering why
    this building came to be.
[03:54] Choro
    We believe that society's assessment of
    Matsuno Choromatsu is rather unjust.
[03:58] Choro
    He deserves far more praise.
[04:01] Choro
    We therefore built this establishment
    here, where he was born,
[04:04] Choro
    to tell later generations of his exploits.
[04:07] Todo
    The hell is he talking about?
[04:09] Choro
    Who actually built this building?
[04:11] Choro
    Yes! It was I!
[04:13] Todo
    Yeah, no shit.
[04:15] Choro
    It will open on March 3rd
    in the third year of Reiwa.
[04:18] Choro
    We're going for all threes
    because he's the third Matsuno son.
[04:20] Choro
    This will be on the test, so remember it.
[04:22] Todo
    No, seriously, what?
[04:24] choro
    Now, let us go inside.
[04:29] Choro
    Please, come in. Admission is free.
[04:33] Todo
    When the hell did he build
    all this in our basement?
SIGN    Matsuno Choromatsu
[04:37] Choro
    This is a full-body bronze
    statue of Matsuno Choromatsu.
[04:40] Todo
    Huh?
[04:40] Choro
    Just look at how fit he is.
[04:42] Choro
    You can truly tell how
    stoic and earnest he is.
[04:46] Todo
    What's fit about him?
    That's definitely a muffin-top.
[04:49] Choro
    You can take your commemorative
    photos right here.
[05:00] Choro
    There you are.
[05:01] Choro
    You can now be Matsuno Choromatsu, too.
[05:03] Choro
    Congratulations!
[05:06] Choro
    As you know, Matsuno Choromatsu
    is a master of retorts.
[05:10] Choro
    So here is a series of pictures
    depicting his elegant form.
[05:14] Choro
    Such force. How beautiful.
[05:17] Choro
    His retorts constantly lead his very stupid
[05:19] Choro
    and useless brothers down the right path.
[05:23] Choro
    He's ever reliable. He should be
    thanked for his distinguished service.
SIGN    The Matsuno Choromatsu Retort Experience
[05:28] Choro
    Now, let us experience these
    masterful retorts ourselves.
[05:32] Choro
    Go right ahead. It's free.
[05:34] Todo
    Huh?
[05:38] Choro
    Why the hell?!
[05:40] Choro
    You went to see some shrimp?
[05:41] Choro
    I'd rather set my ass hair on fire than
[05:43] Choro
    care about what color your
    nails are, you uggo!
[05:45] Choro
    Fantastic!
[05:47] Todo
    That last one wasn't a retort.
[05:48] Todo
    Also, I'm so sorry,
    Salmon and Pickled Plum.
[05:52] Choro
    These are the glasses
    he wore in high school.
[05:55] Todo
    Don't put trash like that on display.
[05:57] Choro
    Here are his test answer sheets.
    He always got excellent marks.
[06:00] Todo
    He's totally lying about these scores.
    He was an absolute moron!
[06:03] Choro
    This is the first figure
    he ever put together.
[06:05] Todo
    Don't display that.
[06:06] Choro
    This is perfection. Matsuno Choromatsu
    is brimming with talent.
[06:11] Todo
    Yeah, no. You're speaking
    way too highly of yourself.
[06:13] Choro
    As you can see, he is also a man of culture.
SIGN    Nya
[06:17] Choro
    He is a man of many hobbies.
[06:19] Todo
    Okay, nerd.
SIGN    2017 Tax Form
[06:20] Choro
    This is the first tax filing he submitted.
[06:24] Choro
    "You mustn't be a NEET at heart!"
SIGN    2017 Tax Form
[06:27] Choro
    You can hear him say that in your heart.
[06:30] Todo
    I have no idea what you're saying.
    I keep saying this.
[06:34] Choro
    He always fearlessly changed his appearance.
[06:36] Choro
    Everyone acknowledged how courageous
    he was and this look was a hit!
[06:44] Choro
    Allow me to repeat that last part.
     It was a hit.
[06:48] Choro
    It was an absolute hit.
[06:50] Choro
    H-I-T.
[06:52] Todo
    I get it already! You're creeping me out!
[06:54] Choro
    Matsuno Choromatsu has left
    so many relics in this world.
[06:59] Todo
    You clearly don't know what relics are.
[07:00] Choro
    This one here is truly amazing!
    The Konden Einen Shizai Law!
[07:04] Todo
    What?!
[07:04] Choro
    Established in the 15th
    year of the Tenpyo Era,
[07:06] Choro
    this was the blueprint for the
    manorial system that came to follow.
[07:10] Todo
    You had nothing to do with this!
[07:12] Todo
    Don't try to edit yourself into history!
[07:14] Choro
    He then traveled around
    the world to find himself.
[07:18] Choro
    He was finally able to achieve nirvana
    and free himself of worldly thoughts.
[07:22] Choro
    Remarkable! He was free
    of all human desires!
[07:26] Todo
    You haven't been freed at all!
[07:27] Todo
    This whole hall is filled with
    nothing but those desires!
SIGN    Choromage
SIGN    Choromedia
[07:30] Todo
    Yikes.
SIGN    The Story of Choro  Through Manga
SIGN    Choro Record  (Part 1)
[07:33] Todo
    What the hell?!
[07:36] Todo
    That's just scary!
[07:37] Choro
    Our final piece is the legendary
    self-awareness rising ball.
[07:42] Choro
    His empyreal and proud mind was able
    to create a miracle such as this.
[07:47] Choro
    It is alive.
[07:50] Choro
    How did you like it?
[07:51] Choro
    This remarkable figure
    named Matsuno Choromatsu
[07:53] Choro
    continues to grow by the day,
    and he got to where he is today
[07:56] Choro
    without letting all the haters get him down.
[07:58] Choro
    He is loved by many and hogged all
    the trust and popularity for himself.
[08:03] Choro
    Now, let us sing his praises!
[08:05] Choro
    Long live Matsuno Choromatsu!
[08:07] Choro
    Huzzah!
[08:09] Choro
    Huzzah!
[08:09] Choro
    Huzzah!
[08:11] Choro
    Huzzah!
[08:11] ---
    Huzzah!
[08:13] ---
    Yay!
[08:14] Choro
    Up next...
[08:15] Todo
    There's more?!
[08:16] Choro
    These are relics of Matsuno
    Choromatsu's past.
[08:20] Choro
    Now, let us see what he has
    in store for the future.
[08:23] Todo
    Th-The future? What do you mean?!
[08:24] Todo
    I'm scared! I might just die!
SIGN    Future Corner
[08:30] Todo
    This is the suit he wore on his first day
    at work when, out of all the brothers,
[08:34] Todo
    he succeeded in getting a job first!
[08:36] Todo
    What?!
[08:37] Choro
    I worked so hard. I get teary-eyed
    thinking back on the future...
[08:42] Todo
    Exactly how do you look back on
    the future? What's going on?
[08:45] Todo
    I keep saying this, but...
[08:48] Choro
    Oh, gosh! How embarrassing!
SIGN    Choro's First Date
[08:50] Choro
    This is a commemorative photo that I took
    on my first date with my girlfriend!
[08:56] Choro
    It was so much fun! I was
    enjoying my youth so much!
[08:59] Choro
    This is the scarf she knitted
    for me for my birthday!
SIGN    Historical Present
SIGN    Choro
SIGN    Historical Dishes
[09:04] Choro
    She made me all kinds
    of homemade meals, too...
[09:07] Choro
    And wrote oh-so-many love letters!
SIGN    Historical Love Letters
[09:11] Choro
    My trophy for my 1,000th conquest.
    I just couldn't keep the ladies away.
[09:14] Choro
    Who knew I was such a playboy?
SIGN    Asia
[09:17] Choro
    And then I reached number one in Asia.
[09:20] Choro
    You heard me. Asia.
    That's basically worldwide. Wow.
[09:23] Choro
    And then I got the Choromatsu Award
    five years in a row, making history!
[09:28] Choro
    You don't see anyone getting this
    award that many times in a row.
[09:30] Choro
    Anyone can get just one.
[09:32] Choro
    It's staying on top that's hard,
    which makes this impressive.
[09:35] Choro
    That's so awesome!
[09:37] Choro
    And then I got the Nobel Prize, became
    the prime minister, then the president,
[09:41] Choro
    appeared on the Kouhaku Music Festival,
    and then made my home on the Moon!
[09:44] Choro
    All praise Matsuno Choromatsu!
[09:46] Choro
    Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzza—
[09:53] Choro
    Stop!
[09:55] Choro
    Don't burn it all down!
[09:57] Choro
    My memorial hall! My memorial hall!
[10:00] Choro
    My...
[10:02] Choro
    memorial hall!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Ear Cleaning"
[10:12] Oso
    Could you lie down already,
    my dear Karamatsu-kun?
[10:16] Oso
    I wanna go to pachinko.
[10:17] Oso
    Let's get this ear cleaning over with.
[10:21] Oso
    Come on.
[10:24] Oso
    What are you doing?
[10:25] Oso
    You can't clean out your own ears
    because it weirds you out, right?
[10:28] Oso
    But the inside of your ear has been
    bothering you since yesterday.
[10:30] Oso
    You're too embarrassed to tell anyone
    else that you can't clean your ear,
[10:34] Oso
    so you came to me, right?
[10:36] Oso
    Get over here already, then.
    Let's get this over with.
[10:39] Kara
    I-I'm worried.
[10:41] Oso
    Huh? About what?
[10:42] Kara
    You.
[10:43] Oso
    Huh?
[10:44] Kara
    I hate to say it after I asked you to do this,
[10:46] Kara
    but I didn't pick you because I wanted to.
[10:49] Kara
    It was a process of elimination.
    Negative selection.
[10:52] Kara
    I hate to say it after I asked you
    to do this, but you're so half-assed.
[10:56] Kara
    Should I have asked you to clean my ears?
    Are my ears going to be okay?
[11:00] Kara
    I'm pretty sure they won't be.
[11:02] Kara
    I hate to say it after I asked you to do this,
[11:04] Kara
    but my gut is telling me not to let
    someone like you clean my ears.
[11:08] Oso
    I'm going to pachinko.
[11:10] Kara
    I'm sorry! Please wait, Osomatsu-niisan!
[11:12] Kara
    Pwease clean my ears!
[11:14] Oso
    Isn't that messed up?
     You asked me to do this, right?
[11:16] Kara
    Yes.
[11:17] Oso
    So why are you looking down on me?
[11:20] Kara
    I'm sorry. It's just a habit.
[11:21] Oso
    Tch.
[11:22] Oso
    Just hurry up and lie down already.
[11:24] Oso
    Let's get this over with.
[11:25] Kara
    Could you not say it like that?!
[11:27] Kara
    This has been bugging me for so long,
    and you saying that is really scary!
[11:31] Kara
    Ear cleaning seriously scares me!
[11:33] Kara
    Is that getting through to you?!
[11:35] Oso
    I got it.
[11:36] Kara
    Can you be gentle?
[11:38] Oso
    I can.
[11:39] Kara
    Really?
[11:40] Oso
    Yeah.
[11:41] Kara
    You won't mess around?
[11:42] Oso
    No.
[11:43] Kara
    You promise?
[11:44] Oso
    Yes.
[11:45] Kara
    You liar! You're not that dependable!
[11:47] Oso
    I'm going to pachinko.
[11:50] Kara
    I went too far! I'm sorry!
[11:52] Kara
    Pwease clean my ears for me!
[11:54] Oso
    You're really weird today.
    You asked me to do this, remember?
[11:58] Kara
    Ear cleaning scares me so much.
[12:00] Oso
    I get it already. I'll take
    it seriously and be gentle.
[12:04] Oso
    Just lie down already.
[12:09] Kara
    I'm so scared...
[12:13] Kara
    Osomatsu, um... Let me
    know when you're about to—
[12:17] Kara
    Whoa! Hey!
[12:19] Oso
    Huh?
[12:20] Kara
    Don't just ram it into my ear like that!
[12:22] Kara
    You need to tell me when
    you're about to start!
[12:24] Kara
    Don't just silently jab
    the earpick in there!
[12:27] Kara
    I told you how scared I am! I told you!
[12:31] Oso
    That was a no?
[12:32] Kara
    Big no!
[12:33] Oso
    My bad.
[12:34] Kara
    Ugh! This is what I'm talking about!
[12:36] Oso
    I'll tell you next time.
[12:38] Oso
    You don't need to stand up. Lie back
    down so we can get this over with.
[12:41] Kara
    Stop saying it like that.
    You saying that is scary.
[12:45] Oso
    Okay! Just lie down already!
[12:52] Oso
    Here I go.
[12:53] Kara
    Wait!
[12:53] Oso
    What now?
[12:55] Kara
    Please give me a countdown.
[12:56] Oso
    Ugh, you're such a pain.
[12:59] Oso
    10, 9, 8, 7...
[13:00] Kara
    You started that countdown way too fast!
[13:02] Kara
    If you're going to count down that fast,
[13:04] Kara
    you need a countdown to tell me
    you're about to count down—
[13:08] Kara
    Osomatsu, hold up! Hold up one second!
[13:11] Oso
    What?
[13:12] Kara
    Stop!
[13:13] Oso
    I did stop.
[13:14] Kara
    Wait, Osomatsu!
[13:16] Oso
    I am waiting.
[13:17] Kara
    I said wait!
[13:18] Oso
    I am waiting.
[13:18] Kara
    Wait!
[13:19] Oso
    I am, damn it!
[13:20] Kara
    Really? You're not gonna move?!
    Where's the earpick right now?
[13:24] Oso
    In the air.
[13:25] Kara
    Ugh, I'm scared! I'm so scared!
[13:28] Oso
    Shut up. Here I go.
[13:30] Kara
    Wait, wait! Oh, God, that's scary!
[13:34] Kara
    Osomatsu!
[13:36] Oso
    Shut up already.
[13:38] Oso
    Stop screaming! I can't concentrate.
[13:41] Oso
    Hey!
[13:44] Kara
    You did your best. Good work!
[13:46] Kara
    Thank you very much!
[13:48] Kara
    We can do my other ear another time.
[13:50] Oso
    But I haven't even cleaned the first one.
[13:53] Kara
    Huh?
[13:54] Oso
    I didn't get any earwax.
[13:56] Kara
    What?! The hell are you
    doing? You're useless!
[14:00] Oso
    It's not my fault!
[14:01] Oso
    How am I supposed to concentrate
    with you screaming at me?!
[14:05] Kara
    We have to do it again, then?
[14:06] Oso
    Pretty much.
[14:07] Kara
    This is why you suck, Osomatsu!
[14:10] Oso
    I'm going to pachinko.
[14:15] Oso
    I can't understand you!
[14:17] Oso
    No more noises from you.
    No more yelling. Promise.
[14:21] Kara
    Okay, I won't yell anymore. I promise.
[14:26] Oso
    You're totally yelling.
[14:29] Oso
    It's not in there anymore. Karamatsu.
[14:31] Kara
    I'm scared, I'm scared.
    I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
[14:34] Oso
    Who are you apologizing to?
[14:37] Oso
    What am I supposed to do with this?
[14:39] Kara
    I've had enough! I can't! I'm done with you!
[14:43] Oso
    I should be done with you.
[14:45] Kara
    Well? Were you able to clean my ear?
[14:47] Oso
    Not at all.
[14:48] Kara
    You dumbass! You absolute dumbass!
[14:51] Oso
    You promised not to make any noise.
[15:00] Oso
    Yeah, there you go.
[15:01] Oso
    This is how you clean your ear.
     We're making progress.
[15:06] Kara
    Just be careful... with my eardrum.
[15:09] Oso
    Huh?
[15:13] Oso
    What? Does that hurt?
[15:15] Kara
    No, it feels nice.
[15:17] Oso
    Oh, okay.
[15:18] Oso
    Huh? There's something huge in there.
[15:21] Oso
    Want me to get it?
[15:22] Kara
    Yeah, get it. I wanna feel relief.
[15:24] Kara
    Just be careful of my eardrum.
[15:26] Oso
    What's an eardrum?
[15:27] Kara
    What?!
[15:31] Oso
    Tell me if it hurts.
[15:33] Kara
    I'm fine. That feels good.
[15:36] Oso
    Should I get it?
[15:37] Kara
    Yeah.
[15:38] Oso
    Here I go.
[15:39] Kara
    Okay.
[15:40] Oso
    There we go.
[15:50] Kara
    Man, that felt great!
[15:53] Kara
    Huh? Did you do something?
[15:58] Oso
    Nope. Nothing.
[15:59] Kara
    That felt great. Thank you!
[16:02] Kara
    One more time.
[16:03] Oso
    Huh? We're doing this again?
[16:05] Kara
    Come on, just do it.
[16:07] Kara
    Go on.
[16:10] Kara
    That feels nice. Yeah, right there.
[16:13] Kara
    Pick out the thing you're hitting, Osomatsu.
[16:16] Oso
    You want it out?
[16:17] Kara
    Yeah.
[16:18] Oso
    Are you sure?
[16:19] Kara
    Yes!
[16:20] Oso
    You got it.
[16:23] Kara
    Man, that felt great!
[16:27] Kara
    Did you do something?
[16:28] Oso
    Nope. Nothing.
[16:29] Kara
    That's weird. I only remember
    part of this happening.
[16:32] Kara
    Well, whatever. One more time.
[16:34] Oso
    Isn't that enough?!
[16:36] Oso
    Weren't you scared of ear cleaning?
[16:38] Kara
    I'm over it now. Weird, huh?
[16:40] Oso
    Uh...
[16:41] Kara
    Just do it.
[16:44] Kara
    Yeah! Right there! That's the
    motherload! Osomatsu! Go for it!
[16:48] Oso
    Want me to get it?
[16:49] Kara
    Go for it!
[16:49] Oso
    Okay, I'm going.
[16:50] Kara
    Get it!
[16:54] Oso
    It all came out!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Akatsuka Hospital
SIGN    "Persimmons"
SIGN    Hatabou
[17:16] Dekapan
    How are you feeling?
[17:19] Dekapan
    Make sure you eat and move around lots
     so you can get better soon.
[17:26] Hata
    I'm going to die, jo.
[17:28] Hata
    I can tell, jo.
[17:30] Hata
    I'm not going to make it.
[17:32] Hata
    There's no hope for me, jo.
[17:34] Deka
    What are you talking about?
    You're gonna make it!
[17:37] Deka
    You need to keep trying! Don't give up!
[17:43] Hata
    Another one fell, jo.
[17:46] Hata
    Once all those persimmons fall,
[17:50] Hata
    I'll probably die, too, jo.
[17:55] Hata
    Another one fell, jo.
[17:58] Deka
    You can't stay stuff like that.
[18:00] Deka
    I'm going to make sure you
    get better, no matter what.
[18:03] Deka
    So no looking at those anymore.
[18:16] Deka
    What's all that ruckus?
[18:17] Ichi
    Shut your mouth, you quack!
[18:20] jyushi
    Cure me, damn it!
[18:22] Kara
    Don't kick your patients!
[18:25] Deka
    What in the world is going on?!
    This is a hospital!
[18:27] Ichi
    You jerk! What's the big idea,
    hiring this quack?!
[18:30] Jyushi
    He fell asleep during an operation!
[18:33] Iyami
    Well, me was tired.
[18:34] Kara
    He's always listening to the
    horse races with earphones, too!
[18:37] Iyami
    Well, me has a lot on the line.
[18:39] Ichi
    He renders medical diagnoses with graffiti!
SIGN    You Have 
    Cancer
[18:42] Iyami
    They're easy to understand!
[18:43] Ichi
    He keeps killing one patient after another!
SIGN    Be quiet in  the hallway
[18:46] Jyushi
    What do you think our lives are?!
[18:48] Iyami
    Well, you're all going to die, anyway.
[18:50] Iyami
    Do you all really want to live that long?
[18:53] Iyami
    What for? What's the point
    of living so long?
[18:57] Iyami
    Me could care less if you all live or die!
[19:02] Iyami
    Just croak already!
SIGN    Be quiet in  the hallway
[19:04] Ichi
    Cure me!
[19:05] Iyami
    Die!
[19:06] Jyushi
    Cure me!
[19:07] Iyami
    Die!
SIGN    Consultation Room
[19:10] Deka
    And you call yourself a doctor?!
[19:13] Deka
    We've lost 80 patients since
    you came to this hospital!
[19:19] Iyami
    Me is shooting for a cool million!
[19:21] Iyami
    Let's see...
[19:23] Iyami
    Yeah, this one's a goner.
[19:25] Iyami
    No hope for this one.
[19:27] Iyami
    Give it three days.
[19:28] Iyami
    Five seconds here.
[19:30] Iyami
    What a pain.
[19:32] Iyami
    They're all going to die!
[19:37] Deka
    You're fired!
[19:50] Iyami
    Hey, you.
SIGN    Hatabou
[19:52] Iyami
    You haven't croaked yet?
[19:56] Iyami
    What is it?
[19:59] Hata
    There's only one left, jo.
[20:03] Hata
    When that last one falls to the ground...
[20:07] Hata
    I'm going to die, too, jo.
[20:15] Iyami
    Me will speed up the process!
SIGN    Hatabou
[20:19] Hata
    Stop, jo!
[20:20] Iyami
    Guess this is goodbye for you!
[20:24] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[20:30] Iyami
    Sheh, sheh, sheh, sheh, sheh!
SIGN    Hatabou
[20:33] Hata
    Don't!
[20:33] Iyami
    Sheh, sheh, sheh, sheh, sheh!
[20:53] Iyami
    Me is going to make it drop, no matter what.
[21:02] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
SIGN    Hatabou
[21:07] Iyami
    Take that! And that! And that!
[21:09] Iyami
    Fall!
[21:11] Iyami
    Fall down!
[21:15] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[21:18] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[21:22] Iyami
    Sheh! Sheh! Sheh!
[21:24] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[21:26] Iyami
    Sheh, sheh, sheh, sheh, sheh!
[21:31] Iyami
    Sheh, sheh, sheh, sheh, sheh!
[21:41] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
SIGN    Hatabou
[21:51] Deka
    What is it?
[21:55] Hata
    Doctor... I'm not going to give up, jo.
SIGN    Hatabou
[21:58] Hata
    I'm going to keep fighting
    until the end, jo!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:40] Choro
    Choromatsu here.
[23:41] Choro
    Next week on Mr. Osomatsu, 
    we have "Totoderella."
[23:44] Choro
    Yes. This is the story about Totoko-chan
    that the world's been waiting for.
[23:48] Choro
    You there, who didn't share that sentiment.
SIGN    "Totoderella"   etc.
[23:51] Choro
    Too bad. You've been sentenced to death.

E21 - Totoderella
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "Is This Okay?"
[00:08] Choro
    Is this okay?
[00:10] Choro
    I'm a bit worried.
[00:12] Ichi
    Huh? About what?
[00:14] Choro
    When you're eating in, is it okay
     to stay however long you want?
[00:18] Choro
    I'm worried we're being
    a burden to the staff.
[00:22] Choro
    Is this okay?
[00:24] Ichi
    I get that. I've been wondering myself.
[00:27] Ichi
    Anyone would worry about that, right?
[00:29] Choro
    Yeah, I think it's normal.
[00:31] Ichi
    Nice. I knew I liked something about you.
[00:34] Choro
    Really? Thanks.
[00:36] Choro
    I think it's great that you worry
    about stuff like this, too.
[00:39] Ichi
    Thanks.
SIGN    Please do not sit here for too long It inconveniences the other customers.
[00:40] Choro
    Now, this is the confusing part.
[00:42] Choro
    "Please do not sit here for too long."
    But how long is too long?
[00:48] Ichi
    No idea. It's really hard to say.
[00:50] Choro
    We have nothing to do with our lives,
[00:52] Choro
    so our sense of time is completely
    different from normal people's.
[00:55] Ichi
    We live by a different clock.
[00:57] Choro
    We could easily kill time for, like,
    ten hours. I've done it lots of times.
[01:02] Ichi
    "Too long" for us would get pretty crazy.
SIGN    Self Discovery
SIGN    Live Free
SIGN     Do This and 
    Your Life Will 
    Change Forever
[01:05] Choro
    I wonder how long is okay.
[01:07] Ichi
    No idea.
[01:09] Choro
    Well, we should probably leave soon, anyway.
[01:11] Ichi
    Yeah. We don't want to
    burden them, so let's leave.
[01:15] Choro
    Oh, shit! An employee's coming this way!
[01:16] Ichi
    Huh?!
[01:18] Choro
    Are we in trouble?
[01:19] Ichi
    Will we be okay?
[01:20] Choro
    He's gonna say something to us!
SIGN    Please do not sit here for too long It inconveniences the other customers.
[01:22] Ichi
    He's gonna yell at us!
[01:36] Choro
    Man, that was close!
[01:38] Ichi
    Dude, I thought he was gonna kill us!
[01:41] Choro
    We should probably leave
    before they do kill us.
[01:43] Ichi
    Yeah, let's leave.
[01:46] Choro
    Ichimatsu, what's that?
    Did you actually buy that?
SIGN    Snakey  Star Ramen
SIGN    Nori Salt  Flavor
[01:49] Ichi
    Well, yeah.
[01:51] Choro
    Good job! I bought something, too.
SIGN    Porky
SIGN    Sauce- Flavor
[01:53] ichi
    Really? Good job.
[01:55] Choro
    I do feel bad, since it's only 30 yen.
[01:57] Ichi
    Nah, the value of money for us is
    totally different from everyone else's.
[02:02] Ichi
    Thirty yen is pretty spendy.
[02:04] Choro
    It definitely puts a dent in our wallets.
[02:06] Choro
    So I'm hoping the employees don't judge
    us by how much the items we buy cost,
[02:11] Choro
    but instead consider how much of a dent
    we're making in our life savings here.
[02:16] Ichi
    Have mercy on us.
[02:17] Choro
    Please forgive us.
[02:20] Choro
    Someone's coming again!
[02:22] Choro
    I'm sorry!
[02:23] Ichi
    I'm sorry!
[02:24] Choro
    Forgive us!
[02:25] Ichi
    Forgive us!
[02:26] Both
    Please don't yell at us!
[02:35] Choro
    Holy shit, we're saved.
[02:38] Ichi
    They didn't kill us...
[02:40] Choro
    That's our limit, though. Let's go.
[02:42] Ichi
    Yeah. We're definitely burdening them.
[02:44] Both
    Okay, let's leave.
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Greenroom"
SIGN    K Pro Comedy AI Show
    Matsumusha
[04:33] Salmon
    Do we need to fix anything else?
    Should we use our family restaurant bit?
[04:37] Plum
    I'll tell you one part that's bugging me.
[04:39] Salmon
    Okay.
[04:40] Plum
    So, about the intro...
[04:42] Salmon
    Yeah?
[04:45] All
    Good morning!
[04:48] Salmon
    Huh?!
[04:50] Salmon
    IyaChibi-san? Why are they here?
[04:52] Salmon
    Were they on today?
[04:54] Plum
    W-Were they listed?
[04:56] Salmon
    No... So why are they here?
[04:59] Plum
    They must've come to see
    the newer acts perform.
[05:01] Salmon
    For real? Why, though?
[05:03] Plum
    This is going to take up so much time...
[05:07] Iyami
    Heya.
[05:08] Chibi
    Heya.
[05:10] Both
    Good morning.
[05:12] Salmon
    Ow, ow! Hey, please stop that!
[05:17] Ume
    That tickles! Please stop!
[05:20] Shake
    Why is this happening?
[05:21] Ume
    This sucks!
[05:25] Chibi
    How're things lately?
[05:26] Chibi
    Staying busy?
[05:28] Shake
    No, not at all.
[05:29] Iyami
    You guys are popular.
[05:31] Ume
    We're really not.
[05:32] Chibi
    You're winning all the auditions, aren't ya?
[05:34] Shake
    Where'd you hear that from?
[05:36] Iyami
    Your bit today was good.
    Are you gonna do that one at A-1?
[05:40] Both
    Yes.
[05:41] Iyami
    You're likely to make it...
[05:44] Iyami
    to the semifinals.
[05:46] Both
    Semifinals? No, no, no!
[05:48] Chibi
    Not only that, but you could...
[05:51] Chibi
    make it to the finals!
[05:52] Both
    The finals?! No, no, no!
[05:54] Iyami
    Winners of the A-1!
[05:56] Chibi
    Congrats!
[05:59] Shake
    There it is. Complimenting their juniors
    just to make them uncomfortable.
[06:02] Ume
    And passive-aggressively trying to
    prove they have nothing to fear.
[06:06] Iyami
    Go on. Have a seat...
[06:07] Both
    ...champions!
[06:11] Chibi
    Oh, yeah.
[06:13] Chibi
    The other day, I was walking by the station,
[06:16] Chibi
    and it started pouring outta nowhere.
[06:18] Both
    Yes?
[06:18] Chibi
    It was super sudden and, like,
    I didn't have an umbrella, right?
[06:23] ---
    Right, right.
[06:24] Both
    Oh, really?
[06:29] Both
    Oh, really?
[06:31] Both
    Oh, really?
[06:33] Both
    Really?
[06:35] Both
    Oh, really?
[06:38] Shake
    What the hell is he talking about?
[06:41] Ume
    He's talking so long about nothing.
[06:43] Ume
    Where's he going with this?
[06:46] Ume
    I seriously can't tell.
    It's a pain to even listen.
[06:48] Shake
    He's just wasting our time.
[06:49] Ume
    But they're our seniors, so we have
    to at least pretend we're listening.
[06:53] Shake
    But the more interested we seem,
    the longer they'll drag it out.
[06:58] Iyami
    And the one who was there
[06:59] Iyami
    just happened to be that old lady.
[07:01] Chibi
    Why the hell?
[07:04] Iyami
    Funny, right?
[07:06] Chibi
    And then, would you believe it?
[07:08] Chibi
    It broke.
[07:10] Iyami
    Insane, right?
[07:14] Iyami
    And then...
[07:15] Both
    When should we make a break for it?
[07:18] Iyami
    We've got a present for you guys today.
[07:20] Iyami
    I'm sure you guys are broke, right?
[07:23] Iyami
    Here. You can have these.
[07:27] Shake
    Thank you.
[07:28] Ume
    He's not a bad guy.
[07:30] Shake
    Or a bad senior.
[07:32] Both
    But...
[07:35] Ume
    These are so old, we won't be able to use them.
[07:38] Shake
    I'm sure his intentions are good...
[07:41] Shake
    But it's not like we can throw
    these away. It's just a burden.
[07:48] Chibi
    So, are you guys free after this?
[07:50] Both
    Huh?
[07:53] Ume
    Crap! The moment we were dreading!
[07:55] Shake
    It's do-or-die time!
[07:57] Shake
    Actually, we've got something planned...
[07:59] Ume
    Yeah, we're a bit busy.
[08:01] Chibi
    So you're free?
[08:03] Chibi
    Your schedule's clear, right?
[08:04] Chibi
    You're free, right?
[08:06] Shake
    Could you tell us what awaits
    us if we say we're free?
[08:11] Ume
    Could you not force us into things without
    telling us what we're getting into?
[08:16] Chibi
    So you see...
[08:17] Ume
    You're inviting us to eat, aren't you?
[08:19] Chibi
    You see...
[08:20] Shake
    Yup, it's food.
[08:23] Ume
    It's food.
[08:24] Shake
    It's definitely food.
[08:26] Chibi
    How about we go grab
     a bite to eat after this?
[08:28] Both
    I knew it!
[08:29] Ume
    He makes it sound super serious to
    make it even harder for us to decline,
[08:33] Ume
    and then just tells us he's
    inviting us out for food.
[08:36] Iyami
    We can eat wherever you guys want.
[08:38] Both
    Thank you very much.
[08:39] Ume
    Thanks, I guess...
[08:41] Shake
    Thanks, I guess...
SIGN    The Cheapest 
    Pub in Town
SIGN    Goukyuu Store #3
[08:43] Ume
    They always take us to
    the cheapest place possible.
[08:47] Shake
    The food sucks, and the
    alcohol they have is gross.
[08:49] Ume
    We can't relax because of who we're with.
[08:51] Shake
    We can't let down our guard at all.
[08:53] Ume
    Sometimes they lecture us.
[08:55] Shake
    We can't go home, even if we're tired.
[08:56] Ume
    We're grateful...
[08:58] Both
    But it's also sort of just hell.
[09:01] Shake
    Please don't worry about
    us if it's too expensive.
[09:03] Ume
    We can afford to come here on our own.
[09:09] Robot
    Hey, it's IyaChibi-san.
[09:11] Robot
    What's up? Are you guys bored?
[09:15] Ume
    Crap! An air-headed newbie just showed up!
[09:17] Robot
    Man, your bit the other day sucked!
    Are you guys gonna make it in the A-1?
[09:23] Iya
    Hey, come on, now.
[09:24] Chibi
    Don't be so rude to your seniors.
[09:28] Ume
    You could get mad at him...
[09:30] Robot
    You need to work harder, IyaChibi!
[09:34] Iyami
    Remember, we've been around
    longer than you have.
[09:38] Shake
    You could just get pissed off...
[09:39] Ume
    You need to get mad!
    He's just mocking you!
[09:43] Rob
    Sorry, IyaChibi-san. Was that okay?
[09:46] Iyami
    Huh? What do you mean?
[09:48] Chibi
    We're totally fine.
[09:49] Shake
    No way. We saw you get angry for a second.
[09:52] Robot
    Hey, what's this?
[09:54] Robot
    Hmm... Don't need it!
[09:58] Iyami
    You idiot.
[09:59] Chibi
    Cut it out already.
[10:01] Shake
    You're way too nice!
[10:03] Ume
    Being nice and being popular
    don't coincide here.
[10:06] Both
    There's no hope.
[10:08] Some
    Riceballs.
[10:11] Both
    Basshy-san!
[10:13] Ume
    The pro emcee everyone looks up to.
[10:15] Shake
    He's already on tons of TV shows.
[10:18] Basshy
    You guys free after this?
    Wanna grab a light meal?
[10:22] Both
    Yes, please!
[10:24] Shake
    We really, really want to
    go drinking with you!
[10:26] Ume
    We should totally hang out with them if
    we want to get anywhere in this business.
[10:29] Shake
    But IyaChibi-san already invited us.
[10:32] Ume
    But we'd have a better chance
    to make it with them...
[10:39] Ume
    They always disappear into the shadows
    when a popular junior shows up.
[10:43] Rando
    Guys!
[10:45] Rando
    The results for the first round of
    the A-1 Grand Prix are already out!
[10:48] All
    For real?!
[10:51] Ume
    Well? Are we listed?
[10:55] Shake
    We are!
SIGN    Riceballs (Free)
[10:56] Shake
    We got through the first round!
[10:59] Ume
    That's awesome!
[11:00] Both
    Yay!
[11:03] Ume
    Wait.
SIGN    Jerry
[11:13] Ume
    G-Guess they aren't on the list.
[11:15] Shake
    They were eliminated.
[11:17] Robot
    Well, the first round is easy-peasy.
     Of course we got through.
[11:25] Shake
    Nice seniors like you need
    to get popular already.
[11:27] Ume
    We're the ones who suffer if you don't!
[11:38] Chiba
    Well...
[11:39] Iyami
    Let's go get some food.
[11:43] Both
    Like we could!
SIGN    End
[11:50] Nar
    Once upon a time, there was
    a very straightforward maid
[11:54] Nar
    who could only say exactly
    what she was thinking.
SIGN    "Totoderella"
[12:00] Choro
    Totoderella!
[12:02] Todo
    Totoderella!
[12:03] Toto
    Here!
[12:04] Choro
    Totoderella!
[12:06] Choro
    Took you long enough!
[12:07] Todo
    You're useless! What is this breakfast?
[12:10] Choro
    It's too hard!
[12:11] Todo
    It's cold!
[12:12] Choro
    It tastes awful!
[12:14] Todo
    You're not cute at all!
[12:16] Choro
    Are you listening?! Say something!
[12:20] Toto
    God, you two are ugly.
[12:30] Toto
    What did you just say?!
    Who do you think you are?!
[12:34] Oso
    What's all this fuss about?
[12:36] Both
    Mother!
[12:40] Choro
    Totoderella's so mean to us!
[12:41] Todo
    She's just awful!
[12:43] Oso
    Totoderella! What did you do to
    my adorable little daughters?
[12:46] Oso
    Don't make me kick you out! Say something!
[12:49] Toto
    God, you're ugly.
[13:02] Oso
    Get all this laundry done today.
[13:05] Oso
    Got it?
[13:23] Choro
    Totoderella, what do you think you're doing?
[13:25] Toto
    The laundry.
[13:26] todo
    Is that how you wash it?!
[13:28] Toto
    Oh, my goodness! How could I?
[13:31] Toto
    But I just couldn't get
    motivated to do this.
[13:33] Toto
    I mean, no matter how clean I get them,
[13:35] Toto
    if you uggos are the ones wearing them...
[13:49] Todo
    Wash them properly!
[13:50] Toto
    Okay, I will.
[13:51] Todo
    I need to look beautiful in them.
[13:53] Toto
    Okay.
[13:55] Todo
    Totoderella!
[13:58] Toto
    Become beautiful! Become beautiful!
[13:58] Todo
    Stop!
[13:59] Choro
    Someone help!
[14:02] Oso
    Oh, my!
[14:04] Both
    What's the matter, Mother?
[14:05] Oso
    This says there's a ball at the castle today.
[14:08] Both
    A ball?
[14:09] Oso
    The prince will be looking
    for his future bride there.
[14:15] Choro
    The prince is looking for me!
[14:17] Todo
    He's looking for me!
[14:19] Choro
    I'm right here! Come find me!
[14:21] Todo
    Eat me up!
[14:32] Choro
    See?
[14:34] Todo
    I look beautiful, don't I?
[14:36] Toto
    Wow.. Just wow.
[14:38] Choro
    Just so you know, Totoderella,
    you're not allowed to come to the ball.
[14:42] Todo
    You get to stay home.
[14:43] Choro
    Stupid.
[14:44] Todo
    Moron.
[14:49] Toto
    I wonder if they ended up ugly on the inside
    because they're so ugly on the outside, too.
[14:53] Toto
    Or did they end up so ugly on the outside
    because they're so ugly on the inside?
[14:58] Toto
    I wonder where the ugly starts.
     I have no idea.
[15:02] Toto
    A ball... I sort of wish I could go.
[15:06] Toto
    Well, whatever.
[15:10] Toto
    Wh-Who are you?
[15:12] Jyushi
    Your Fairy Godmatsu.
[15:14] Toto
    Fairy Godmatsu?
[15:15] Jyushi
    My poor little Totoderella.
[15:17] Jyushi
    You must really want to go to that ball.
[15:20] Toto
    Huh? Not really...
[15:21] Jyushi
    I shall grant that wish for you!
[15:24] Jyushi
    Let's go! Bibidi Babidi Jyu!
[15:34] Jyushi
    Bibidi Babidi Shi!
[15:40] Jyushi
    Bibidi Jyu! Bibidi Shi!
[15:42] Jyushi
    Jyu! Shi! Jyushi!
[15:48] Jyu
    There you go. You can go to the
    ball now! You must be so happy.
[15:52] Jyu
    Now, run along.
[15:56] Jyushi
    What's the matter, Totoderella?
[15:58] Toto
    A carriage, huh? Those shake a lot,
    don't they? And they're pretty slow.
[16:02] Jyushi
    You're complaining? Seriously?
[16:04] Toto
    Could I get a taxi instead?
[16:06] Jyushi
    A taxi?
[16:07] Toto
    They look like this. Do you
    know what I'm talking about?
[16:09] Toto
    They're about this big.
[16:12] Jyushi
    I mean, yeah. And they're super
    spacious and comfy inside.
[16:15] Toto
    I'm not sure how I feel about it
    being a former pumpkin, either.
[16:18] Toto
    And that horse and that
    person used to be mice.
[16:21] Toto
    I mean, thanks, I guess...
    but what if you were in my shoes?
[16:25] Toto
    Wouldn't it bug you that they were
    a former pumpkin and former mice?
[16:29] Toto
    And this dress is just so... expected.
    Could I get a different design?
[16:34] Jyushi
    What? You want a different dress?
[16:36] Toto
    Yes.
[16:39] Jyushi
    Bibidi Babidi Jyu!
[16:41] Toto
    Hmm...
[16:43] Jyushi
    Bibidi Babidi Jyu!
[16:45] Toto
    Nah...
[16:46] Jyushi
    Bibidi Babidi Jyu!
[16:48] Toto
    Get a clue!
[16:49] Jyushi
    Bibidi Jyu!
[16:51] Jyushi
    Bibidi Shi!
[16:52] Jyushi
    Jyu! Shi!
[16:54] Jyushi
    Jyushi! Jyushi!
[16:58] Jyushi
    I-I used up so much magic...
    it took years off my life!
[17:03] Toto
    That's enough, Fairy Godmatsu.
    Thanks. I'll figure it out.
[17:25] Girl
    What in the world? What's she doing here?
[17:28] Girl
    She has some nerve coming
    here looking like that.
[17:32] Toto
    Wow! It's a zoo full of uggos! Score!
[17:36] Oso
    Totoderella!
[17:38] Choro
    What are you doing?!
[17:39] Todo
    Go home!
[17:46] Deka
    Prince, you need to choose
    a bride from that lot.
[17:49] Nya
    What?!
[17:52] Nya
    F-From these?
[17:55] Dayon
    Did you find anyone to your liking?
[17:58] Nya
    Yikes, I dunno...
[18:02] Nya
    Who's that?
[18:06] Nya
    Stop that!
[18:08] All
    P-Prince Nyaa!
[18:10] Nya
    Are you all right?
[18:12] Toto
    What do you mean?
[18:14] Nya
    What's your name?
[18:15] Toto
    What's yours?
[18:17] Nya
    I'm the prince of this kingdom, Prince Nyaa.
[18:20] Toto
    I'm Totoderella.
[18:21] Nya
    You have a very lovely face.
[18:23] Toto
    I know.
[18:24] Nya
    You're beautiful.
[18:25] Toto
    I know.
[18:26] Nya
    You're nothing like those commoners.
[18:28] Toto
    I know.
[18:29] Nya
    May I have this dance?
[18:30] Toto
    Sure, I guess.
[18:52] Deka
    Looks like he found his bride.
[18:54] Dayon
    Thank goodness!
[18:55] Choro
    I'm so mad!
[18:57] Todo
    I'm so pissed!
[18:59] Oso
    Stop that, you two!
[19:04] Nya
    Now, let's go.
[19:06] Toto
    Huh? W-Wait a sec.
[19:08] Nya
    What's the matter?
[19:09] Toto
    Don't give me that.
[19:11] Toto
    Where are you dragging me off to?
    Seriously, what's your deal?
[19:14] Toto
    It's been bugging me that you think
    I should be happy about all this.
[19:20] Nya
    But... I'm a prince, and I took a liking to you.
[19:23] Nya
    Because you're not like these other uggos.
[19:27] Toto
    Should you really be calling them uggos?
[19:31] Toto
    I mean, they're all here because
    you invited them, right?
[19:33] Toto
    And you have the nerve to
    call them uggos? Really?
[19:36] Toto
    Are you stupid or something?
[19:38] Oso
    T-Totoderella!
[19:40] Toto
    What even is a ball, anyway?
[19:42] Toto
    You gathered all these people
    here to... what? Show off?
[19:45] Toto
    Like, "Look how awesome I am!"
[19:47] Toto
    God, you're lame. Compensating much?
[19:49] Both
    Totoderella?!
[19:50] Toto
    A moron calls and the uggos come running!
[19:54] Toto
    Is this kingdom really okay?!
[19:57] Deka
    Th-That's very rude!
[19:59] Dayon
    Seize her!
[20:10] Toto
    Don't get the wrong idea.
[20:12] Toto
    I'm the one who's going
    to choose here. And you...
[20:16] Toto
    are on the side to get chosen!
[20:22] Toto
    Yup, keep it coming. I need to see
    just how loaded you are as a prince.
[20:29] Toto
    Yup, yup.
[20:30] Toto
    Yup, yup.
[20:32] Toto
    Yup, yup.
[20:35] Toto
    Wow! I guess you really are a prince.
[20:40] Toto
    Not bad!
[20:42] Nya
    Well, Totoderella?
[20:44] Nya
    Will you accept me now?
[20:45] Toto
    Yes! You're wonderful!
[20:48] Nya
    Let's go, then.
[20:50] Toto
    Okay!
[21:01] Toto
    Oh, it's 8 PM. I have to go home.
[21:03] All
    What?!
[21:04] Nya
    You're going home at 8 PM?
    Isn't it a bit early?
[21:06] Toto
    Well, I've got my skincare routine.
[21:08] Toto
    What? You were just about to say
    that my skin is always flawless?
[21:12] Toto
    Why, thank you.
[21:14] Toto
    Bye, now.
[21:15] Toto
    Peace out, scrubs. I'm gonna use
    this money to create a new kingdom!
[21:20] Toto
    Later!
[21:21] Deka
    She ran!
[21:22] Dayon
    Seize her!
[21:26] All
    Totoderella!
[21:42] Toto
    Oh, well.
[21:43] Deka
    Hold it!
[21:47] Toto
    You'll never catch me!
[21:58] Nya
    Damn it!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:35] Ichi
    Ichimatsu here.
[23:37] Ichi
    Next time on Mr. Osomatsu, 
    we have "Hide-and-Seek."
[23:39] Ichi
    We're not talking about the hide-and-seek
    where you want to hide IRL
[23:45] Ichi
    and be at least a little visible online.
[23:47] Ichi
    We're talking about adults going
    all-out playing hide-and-seek.
SIGN    "Hide-and-Seek"   etc.
[23:50] Ichi
    That itself is a pain.
[23:52] Ichi
    Tune in and shit.

E22 - Hide-and-Seek
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "I Found This"
[00:13] Kara
    Everybody, thank you! Perfect guy!
[00:16] Jyushi
    Karamatsu-niisan.
[00:18] Kara
    Oh, Brother! What's the matter?
[00:21] Jyushi
    I found a 100-yen coin.
[00:22] Kara
    Wow!
[00:23] Jyushi
    What do you think I should do with it?
[00:26] Kara
    Hm? Whatever do you mean?
[00:29] Jyushi
    I mean, I know I found it, but...
[00:33] Jyushi
    Is it okay if I, like... h-have it now?
SIGN    Reiwa Year 2
[00:41] Kara
    Jyushimatsu!
[00:43] Kara
    Whenever you find a lost item, you take
    it to a police box. That's common sense.
[00:49] Jyushi
    Oh, right... Of course.
[00:51] Kara
    At least, that's what a
    normie-sized guy would say.
[00:54] Jyushi
    Huh?
[00:55] Kara
    Things are different when
    you're a guy my size.
[00:58] Kara
    Rather than worrying about the duty
    of taking it to the police box,
[01:00] Kara
    it's more important to think
    of the ones involved here.
[01:04] Kara
    Jyushimatsu. Whose feelings should
    you prioritize in this situation?
SIGN    Japan
[01:10] Jyushi
    The person who dropped
    this 100-yen coin, right?
[01:13] Jyushi
    They must be struggling!
[01:15] Jyushi
    Okay, I'll take it to the police box.
[01:17] Kara
    That's what a normie-sized guy would say.
[01:20] Jyushi
    Huh?
[01:21] Kara
    When you're a navy-sized guy like
    myself, it doesn't roll like that.
[01:24] Jyushi
    A navy what?
[01:25] Kara
    The one you should think about
    the most right now, Jyushimatsu...
[01:32] Kara
    is this 100-yen coin and how it feels!
[01:37] Kara
    This poor thing was dropped by its owner.
[01:40] Kara
    Can you imagine the loneliness...
    the anguish it must've felt?!
[01:42] Kara
    And you were the one who
    found it, Jyushimatsu!
[01:47] Kara
    With your gentle hands!
[01:50] Kara
    The world may look down on you,
    but this is how I feel!
[01:54] Kara
    Putting this in your gentle
    hands, since you found it,
[01:58] Kara
    is also... a form of love!
[02:05] Jyushi
    Th-Thanks, Karamatsu-niisan!
[02:08] Kara
    Don't mention it.
[02:12] Jyushi
    But taking it to the police box is
    common sense, so I'll just do that.
SIGN    End
[02:15] Kara
    Wha?!
SIGN    Matsuno Jyushimatsu
SIGN    Yowai Totoko
SIGN    Busujima Dobuko
SIGN    Matsuno Todomatsu
SIGN    Peace Reigns  Over the Land
SIGN    Matsuno Ichimatsu
SIGN    Matsuno Karamatsu
SIGN    Matsuno Choromatsu
SIGN    Matsuno Osomatsu
SIGN    Wannabe Detectives
[04:37] Toto
    Hey, give that back!
[04:53] Oso
    Jyushi.
[04:54] Jyushi
    'Sup, Oso?
[04:55] Oso
    Are you even taking our job seriously?
[04:58] Oso
    You came into work way too late today.
SIGN    Gratitude
[05:00] Jyushi
    Well, well... I guess you
    haven't heard, Osoyama-kun.
[05:04] Jyushi
    You're supposed to arrive a little late
[05:06] Jyushi
    when you're the star of the show.
[05:10] Oso
    Oh, good grief.
[05:13] Jyushi
    More importantly, Oso,
    are you sure you're awake?
SIGN    Ginseikai  Inner  Turmoil
[05:18] Jyushi
    Your paper's upside-down.
[05:20] Oso
    Even if it wasn't upside-down,
    I can't read it anyway.
[05:25] Jyushi
    Whoo, good grief.
[05:26] Oso
    Jyushi, you're spilling your coffee.
[05:29] Jyushi
    It doesn't matter.
[05:31] Jyushi
    Oso, you've got snot
    coming out of your nose.
[05:32] Oso
    It doeshn't maffer.
[05:36] Both
    It doesn't matter.
[05:42] Choro
    What?! Guys, there's a case!
SIGN    An incident?
SIGN    What?
[05:47] Oso
    Heh, good grief.
[05:49] Oso
    Looks like we're up again, Jyushi.
[05:51] Oso
    If we've got time to nab a criminal,
    I'd prefer to nab a cute little lady.
[05:55] Jyushi
    What can we do, Oso?
[05:59] Oso
    So what's the sitch?
[06:00] Sign
    Chief
[06:01] Oso
    What's the sitch?
[06:04] Oso
    What's the sitch? What happened?
    What're we looking at here?
[06:09] Oso
    Hey, where're you going? What happened?
    What're we looking at?
[06:12] Oso
    Hey!
[06:18] Both
    Heh, good grief.
[06:25] Jyushi
    Heya, Minato 106 here.
[06:26] Oso
    You're speaking with Dandy Osoyama.
[06:28] Jyushi
    Hey, Dandy Osoyama. Sexy Jyushita here.
[06:32] Oso
    Sexy Jyushita, I have
    some hot news for you.
[06:35] Oso
    They never told us what we're dealing with,
    so I have no idea where to go.
[06:40] Jyushi
    Same here.
[06:41] Oso
    What?
[06:45] Oso
    That perp bastard.
[06:47] Jyushi
    They won't get away with this!
[06:48] Oso
    We're gonna catch them.
[06:51] Jyushi
    No one's gotten away from us before.
[06:55] Both
    Other than the ladies.
[06:58] Jyushi
    Yeah.
[07:01] Toto
    Minato 103 here, to all units.
[07:03] Toto
    Looks like the perps ran into one
    of the warehouses on Akatsuka Wharf.
[07:06] Toto
    Requesting immediate backup!
SIGN    No Smoking
[07:09] Oso
    Looks like our perps have shown up.
[07:13] Jyushi
    Like a moth to a flame.
[07:15] Oso
    Where there's smoke, there's fire.
[07:17] Jyushi
    Bring the contents to a boil.
[07:19] Oso
    Shoyu, rayu, I love you.
[07:21] Jyushi
    "Getsu Getsu Ka Sui Moku Kin Kin."
[07:23] Oso
    Gondou, Gondou, rain, Gondou.
[07:25] Jyushi
    Coo, coo, coo, pigeon, coo, coo.
[07:27] Choro
    Osoyama and Jyushita!
[07:30] Choro
    You two better not come to the scene,
    you worthless pieces of shit!
[07:36] Oso
    The lady doth protest too much.
[07:38] Jyushi
    Ecchi, sketchy, one touch!
[07:40] Oso
    Sine, cosine, tangent.
[07:42] Jyushi
    Guys are about guts.
[07:43] Oso
    Girls are about cuteness.
[07:44] Both
    Sing, nightingale, Heian-kyo.
[07:47] Jyushi
    Let's go!
SIGN    No Smoking
[08:01] Oso
    This must be it.
[08:02] Jyushi
    Yeah.
[08:12] Choro
    Great work, everyone!
SIGN    Dumbasses!
SIGN    Abunai Deka
SIGN    Brothers' Fishing Big Haul
SIGN    No Smoking
[09:54] Jyushi
    Oso!
[09:55] Jyushi
    Oso!
[09:57] Jyushi
    Hang in there, Oso!
[09:59] Oso
    H-Hurry... Catch the perp...
[10:02] Jyushi
    Don't speak. Did you get
    knocked in the head? Damn it!
SIGN    No Smoking
[10:06] Oso
    I'm not... going to make it.
[10:09] Jyushi
    Don't say things like that!
[10:11] Oso
    Jyushi... I'm glad we were partners.
[10:18] Oso
    Well, this the first time I've ever
    made someone who wasn't a girl cry.
[10:23] Jyushi
    Oso...
[10:24] Oso
    Go... Go, Jyushi.
[10:29] oso
    Guys are about guts.
[10:31] jyushi
    Girls are about cuteness.
[10:33] oso
    Sing, nightingale, Heian-kyo.
[10:39] Jyushi
    Oso!
[10:43] Jyushi
    Oso!
[10:57] Oso
    Jyushi!
[10:58] Oso
    Jyushi, hang in there!
[11:00] Oso
    Jyushi!
[11:02] Jyushi
    Oso... I'm glad we were partners.
[11:07] Jyushi
    Well, this the first time I've ever
    made someone who wasn't a girl cry.
[11:14] Oso
    Jyu... Jyushi!
SIGN    No Smoking
[11:20] Oso
    Bang!
[11:22] Jyushi
    Oso!
[11:25] Jyushi
    Oso!
SIGN    No Smoking
[11:31] Oso
    Jyushi!
[11:34] Oso
    Jyushi!
SIGN    No Smoking
[11:36] Oso
    Jyushi is... Jyushi!
[11:50] Jyushi
    Dandy!
[11:51] Oso
    Sexy!
[11:53] Jyushi
    Dandy!
[11:55] Oso
    Sexy!
[11:58] Jyushi
    Oso!
[11:58] Oso
    Jyushi!
[11:59] Both
    This is so much fun!
[12:03] Todo
    How long are you gonna keep this up?!
[12:05] Choro
    Don't make me fire you!
[12:07] Both
    It doesn't matter!
[12:11] Jyushi
    Oso! Hang in there, Oso!
SIGN    Die already
[12:13] Jyushi
    Oso!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Hide-and-Seek"
[12:21] Oso
    All right, jerks.
[12:23] Oso
    Let's play a little game of hide-and-seek.
[12:26] All
    Aye.
[12:27] Choro
    Why are we making this so ominous?
[12:30] Choro
    Hide-and-seek? But we're adults.
[12:32] Kara
    The most important thing for us NEETs...
[12:35] Kara
    is to kill time!
[12:37] Kara
    But we cannot spend any money!
[12:40] Kara
    Which leads us to...
[12:42] All
    Hide-and-seek!
[12:44] Choro
    Really, though?
[12:45] Mom
    Let's decide who's it!
[12:47] Choro
    You're playing, too, Mom?!
[12:49] All
    Rock, paper, scissors!
[12:52] All
    One more time!
[12:54] All
    One more time!
[12:56] Jyushi
    That settles it!
[12:58] Mom
    Everyone, hide!
[13:04] Choro
    One... two... three...
    four... five... six...
[13:11] Choro
    seven... eight... Are you ready?
[13:15] All
    Not just yet!
[13:18] Choro
    Are you ready?
[13:20] All
    We sure are!
[13:24] Choro
    I'm gonna find all of them if it kills me.
[13:26] Choro
    Choro-chan's not gonna
    lose to the likes of you!
[13:33] Choro
    Hide, you jackass! It's hide-and-seek!
[13:36] Kara
    My stars! It appears
    that I have been found!
[13:39] Choro
    You came here to be found.
[13:41] Choro
    Start over, and actually hide this time!
[13:43] Choro
    This is hide-and-seek!
[13:44] Kara
    Okay!
[13:47] Choro
    Are you ready?
[13:54] Kara
    Looks like you've found me yet again!
[13:56] Kara
    I'm so overflowing with star
    potential that it's impossible
[13:59] Kara
    for me to hide, even if I try!
[14:00] Kara
    Matsuno Karamatsu in "Hide-and-Seek."
[14:03] Kara
    Thank you!
[14:04] Choro
    Yeah, this isn't for you.
     You don't need to join in.
[14:09] Choro
    Huh?
[14:10] Choro
    Hide, damn it! This is hide-and-seek!
[14:12] Todo
    Huh?
[14:13] Choro
    What are you doing, Totty?
[14:15] Todo
    I got bored. You guys can
    keep playing. Do your best.
[14:19] Kara
    Hey, Brother!
[14:21] Kara
    I'm right here! Hurry up and find me!
[14:24] Choro
    Hide, damn it!
[14:34] Choro
    Never mind. I guess I'll go
    after the hardcore players.
[14:36] Choro
    I'm gonna find them...
[14:43] ---
    Huh?
[14:47] Kara
    What's up?
[14:48] Choro
    I feel a presence.
[14:51] Todo
    It's probably Ichimatsu-niisan.
[14:52] Todo
    He can completely conceal his
    presence when he wants to.
[14:56] Choro
    Really? That's not fair.
[14:58] Kara
    Ichimatsu? Are you here?
[15:01] Todo
    Ichimatsu-niisan?
[15:04] Choro
    Ichimatsu?
[15:07] Kara
    Ichimatsu? Where are you?
[15:11] Ichi
    Really? Do they really not notice me?
[15:14] Ichi
    I'm starting to feel sorta sad.
[15:16] Ichi
    Hey! I'm right here!
[15:18] Ichi
    Right here! Here!
[15:19] Ichi
    Ichimatsu is right here!
[15:21] Ichi
    I'm right here! Hey! Hurry up and find me!
[15:24] Ichi
    I love hiding and I'm good at it,
    but I don't want to actually disappear!
[15:29] Ichi
    Matsuno Ichimatsu is right here!
[15:33] Ichi
    Wait! Find me!
[15:35] Ichi
    Ichimatsu is right here...
[15:40] Todo
    Hey, it's Ichimatsu-niisan.
[15:41] Choro
    Found you!
[15:42] All
    Yay!
[15:44] Ichi
    Thank goodness...
[15:45] All
    Huh?
[15:46] Ichi
    Thank you all for finding me...
[15:49] Choro
    What's wrong? Why are you thanking us?
[15:51] Ichi
    Thanks for finding me. I'm never
    playing hide-and-seek again.
[15:55] Kara
    What's gotten into you? What happened?
[15:59] Todo
    What's that?
[16:01] Todo
    It's from Jyushimatsu-niisan.
[16:05] Todo
    Jyushimatsu-niisan says he's
    hiding somewhere over here.
[16:08] Kara
    Really? He's telling us that much?
[16:11] Ichi
    He likes hiding, but he wants to
    be found. He's like a little kid.
[16:15] Todo
    Like you can talk.
[16:17] Choro
    Jeez, where is he?
    Let's look for him together.
[16:20] All
    Yeah, let's all find him together.
[16:32] Choro
    I have no idea.
[16:34] Kara
    Jyushimatsu, we give up. Come on out.
[16:36] Jyushi
    'Kay!
[16:37] Jyushi
    I was right here!
[16:38] Choro
    There's no way we'd get that!
[16:39] Todo
    That's not fair! Give us
    back the time we wasted!
[16:41] Ichi
    Jyushimatsu, one more time.
[16:43] Jyushi
    'Kay!
[16:45] Choro
    Let's all look together!
[16:47] All
    Where's Jyushimatsu?
[16:53] Ichi
    Is he really here?
[16:56] Kara
    Where is he?
[17:00] Todo
    No idea!
[17:01] Kara
    Jyushimatsu, we give up. Come on out.
[17:04] Jyushi
    'Kay!
[17:05] Jyushi
    I was right here!
[17:06] Choro
    There's no way we'd get that!
[17:07] Todo
    That's not fair!
[17:08] Ichi
    Jyushimatsu, one more time.
[17:10] Ichi
    'Kay.
[17:20] Jyushi
    I was right here!
[17:21] Choro
    We can't tell, damn it!
[17:25] All
    He's so...
[17:30] Ichi
    Jyushimatsu? What's wrong?
[17:32] Ichi
    He's dead...
[17:33] Choro
    Wait, you're kidding,
    right? Out of nowhere?!
[17:37] Todo
    That voice... It's Mom!
[17:39] Mom
    When playing hide-and-seek,
[17:40] Mom
    it doesn't have to mean the ones
    who are hiding are always the hunted!
[17:45] Mom
    Have a taste of what it
    feels like to be hunted!
[17:49] Kara
    What are you talking about, Mom?!
[17:50] Ichi
    What it feels like to be hunted?
[17:58] Kara
    She's definitely here,
[17:59] Kara
    but we can't see her!
[18:01] Ichi
    Hey, that's—
[18:05] Ichi
    Karamatsu! This is bad!
    Karamatsu got hunted, too!
[18:26] Choro
    Take this!
[18:32] Mom
    Aw, you found me.
[18:34] Choro
    Yeah, of course. I figured this
    was what you were up to.
[18:39] Ichi
    So Osomatsu is the only one left.
[18:41] Choro
    Yeah.
[18:41] Kara
    Well, he wasn't at home.
    Where the hell is he hiding?
[18:45] Jyushi
    Hang on.
[18:48] Jyushi
    Totty's gone.
[18:49] All
    What?
SIGN    Search for Totty!
[18:51] Totty
    Search for Totty!
[18:53] Choro
    Uh, something just popped
    up. The hell is this?
SIGN    Park
[19:00] Choro
    The park? Level 5? Huh?
[19:05] Choro
    So Totty's here somewhere?
[19:08] Ichi
    I found him.
[19:09] Kara
    Me, too.
[19:09] Jyushi
    Me, too!
[19:12] Choro
    Oh, I got it! There he is!
[19:14] Choro
    Did you all find him, too?
    Let's all call his name!
[19:17] Choro
    Ready, and...
[19:19] All
    Totty!
[19:21] Todo
    Here!
[19:26] Ichi
    He's really going all-out.
[19:28] Jyushi
    That's not like him.
SIGN    Search for Totty!
[19:31] Totty
    Search for Totty!
[19:32] Choro
    We're still doing this?
SIGN    Cabbage Patch
[19:38] Choro
    Cabbage patch, level 40?
[19:44] All
    That's hard!
[19:45] kara
    This one's hardcore!
[19:46] Jyushi
    Wait, where is he?
[19:51] Choro
    Ready, and...
[19:52] All
    Totty!
[19:56] Todo
    Here!
[20:01] Ichi
    Man, Totty's giving it his all this time.
[20:04] Jyushi
    Thanks, Totty.
SIGN    Search for Totty!
[20:06] Totty
    Search for Totty!
[20:08] Choro
    That's enough. It's a pain in the ass
    to keep going to different locations.
SIGN    Mt. Takao
[20:16] Choro
    Mt. Takao?!
[20:17] All
    What?!
SIGN    Lifts
[20:28] All
    Totty!
[20:31] Sign
    Lifts
[20:31] Totty
    Hey! Totty!
SIGN    Totty!
[20:34] All
    Right.
[20:35] Ichi
    I'm beat. Let's go home.
[20:37] Todo
    Wait!
[20:38] Todo
    We forgot about Osomatsu-niisan.
[20:40] Choro
    Where the hell is he hiding?
[20:42] Todo
    I guess he's at the horse races.
[20:44] All
    The horse races?
[20:46] Choro
    What?!
[20:48] Choro
    The hell?! He's somewhere in here?
[20:50] Kara
    How did he prep this?
[20:57] Ichi
    Where is he?
[20:58] Jyushi
    Where?!
[20:59] Todo
    How many people are here, anyway?
[21:02] Kara
    I hear there's about 300.
[21:03] Todo
    That many?! Wow, who drew all these people?
[21:06] Choro
    Wait. Don't saw "drew."
[21:08] Jyushi
    Apparently, they offered 
    compared to the usual key art rate.
[21:11] All
    Wow...
[21:13] Todo**
    Man, animators have it rough.
    Seriously, thanks for everything you do.
[21:17] All
    Thanks, guys!
[21:19] Ichi
    But what about the people watching
    this on their smartphones?
[21:23] Ichi
    This would be even tinier.
[21:25] Jyushi
    True.
[21:25] Choro
    Make sure you don't strain
    your eyes, everyone.
[21:28] Ichi
    Who the hell cares if we
    find Osomatsu or not?
[21:30] Kara
    Yeah, who cares? Your eyes
    are far more important!
[21:34] Oso
    I'm right here!
[21:35] Jyushi
    Hey, I hear him.
[21:36] Choro
    Where are you?
[21:38] Oso
    Right here!
[21:39] All
    Where?
[21:40] Oso
    Hurry up and find me.
[21:41] All
    What a pain in the ass!
[21:43] Kara
    Just tell us already!
[21:49] Todo
    Uh, stop laughing!
[21:51] Jyushi
    Hey! It says "End"!
SIGN    End
[21:52] Kara
    Wait! You can't just end like this!
[21:54] Kara
    Tell us where you are, Osomatsu!
[21:56] Ichi
    How are we gonna sleep?
[21:57] Choro
    Come on!
[21:58] Oso
    Oh, and I guess Dad was hiding
    somewhere in this episode, too.
[22:03] Jyushi
    Why are you telling us that now?!
[22:05] Todo
    Don't wait until it's almost over!
[22:06] Oso
    Five places.
[22:07] Todo
    That's a lot!
[22:08] Kara
    Where was he hiding?
[22:10] Choro
    And where the hell are you?!
[22:12] Oso
    See ya!
[22:14] All
    Hey, damn it!
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:46] Jyushi
    Next time on Mr. Osomatsu, 
    we have "Friend."
[23:49] Jyushi
    Not to be confused with
    the bird holding the leek.
SIGN    "Friend"   etc.
[23:52] Jyushi
    What?!

E23 - Friend
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:11] Announcer
    Welcome to NEWS MATSU.
[00:14] Announcer
    Here's our first story.
[00:16] Announcer
    The third season of the anime
     Mr. Osomatsu is coming to a close,
SIGN    Anime                     Mr. Osomatsu              Contract Renewals
[00:20] Announcer
    so the leading stars of the show are negotiating their contract renewals
[00:23] Announcer
    for next season with the
     production committee.
[00:26] Guy
    How much each star shone will
    come under scrutiny during these
[00:29] Guy
    contract renewal talks.
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[00:31] Guy
    Let's see how talks went
    for Matsuno Osomatsu.
SIGN    On Hold 60,000 yen  | 53,000 yen (estimated)
[00:35] Oso
    I'm gonna be completely honest here.
    They don't think highly of me at all.
[00:39] Oso
    If they lower my yearly salary this much,
[00:41] Oso
    there's no way I can go all
    out at the horse races!
[00:43] Oso
    I mean, I have a family, you know!
[00:45] Oso
    Not that I spend any money on them,
    but I still need to protect them!
[00:50] Oso
    Not that I spend any money on them!
[00:52] Oso
    I've done three seasons, become the
    eldest brother everyone loves,
[00:55] Oso
    and this is all I get? Hell no!
[00:58] Oso
    I'm not backing down this year.
[01:01] Guy
    How did things go for Matsuno Todomatsu?
[01:02] Todo
    God, they piss me off!
SIGN    On Hold 61,000 yen  | 54,000 yen (estimated)
[01:04] Todo
    I've got nothing to say.
[01:06] Todo
    That's way too low!
[01:07] Todo
    If this is all I'm getting after playing
    the youngest brother this long,
[01:12] Todo
    what even is the point?
[01:14] Todo
    They don't get how much popularity
    my cuteness brought this series.
[01:17] Todo
    Totty's totes pissed.
[01:19] Todo
    I wanna go to Softbank! I want 500 million!
SIGN    Signed 1,200,000 yen  | 4,800,000 yen (estimated)
[01:24] Guy
    How did things go for the rookies
    of this season, the Riceballs?
[01:27] Both
    Our pay went up!
[01:28] Ume
    We signed immediately.
[01:30] Shake
    We'll see you next season!
[01:32] Guy
    As for Matsuno Choromatsu...
SIGN    On Hold 65,000 yen  | 58,000 yen (estimated)
[01:35] Choro
    Sign? Hell no! I deferred!
[01:38] Choro
    I'm not going to retort if
    this is all I'm getting paid!
[01:41] Choro
    They keep talking about good faith here,
[01:43] Choro
    but the only thing that talks in this
    situation is money. You get that, right?
[01:46] Choro
    Money, yen! Gimme money!
[01:48] Choro
    Money, money, money, money,
    money, money, gimme money!
[01:54] Guy
    Next up is Matsuno Ichimatsu.
SIGN    Signed 23,000 yen  | 4,000 yen (estimated)
[01:59] Reporter
    You seem to have signed immediately
    despite your rate going down significantly.
[02:03] Reporter
    Why is that?
[02:04] Ichi
    B-Before I knew it, I just...
[02:07] Reporter
    Are you satisfied with your deal?
[02:10] Reporter
    Your rates go down each year
    and you keep signing instantly.
[02:15] Reporter
    Are you all right?
[02:21] Ichi
    Please kill me.
[02:23] Reporter
    Huh?
[02:24] Guy
    As for Yowai Totoko...
[02:25] Totoko
    I signed!
SIGN    Signed 81,000,000 yen  | 165,000,000 yen (estimated)
[02:27] Totoko
    How much did I get? 165 mil!
[02:32] Guy
    Next up is Matsuno Jyushimatsu.
[02:34] Jyushi
    I did not sign today.
SIGN    On Hold 61,000 yen  | 54,000 yen (estimated)
[02:36] Jyushi
    I didn't get to play in many games this year,
[02:39] Jyushi
    but I wish they would've
    acknowledged me more.
[02:42] Jyushi
    I mean, I was batting .280,
[02:44] Jyushi
    but I didn't get enough at-bats to qualify.
[02:46] Jyushi
    I was careful about walking batters,
    though they were all third-tier matches.
[02:50] Jyushi
    And I missed a lot of signs, and I let
    the ball fly between my legs a lot,
[02:53] Jyushi
    and whenever I challenged the
    ump's call, it ended in failure.
[02:56] Jyushi
    and I had 16 Tommy John surgeries...
[02:58] Reporter
    Er, excuse me...
[03:00] Jyushi
    Huh?
[03:01] Reporter
    Are you talking about baseball?
[03:02] Jyushi
    Yup! I sure am talking about baseball!
[03:05] Guy
    And lastly, Matsuno Karamatsu.
[03:09] Kara
    I'm not promoting jack shit. Screw all of you.
[03:12] Kara
    I'm not showing up in anything.
SIGN    On Hold 60,000 yen  | 53,000 yen (estimated)
[03:14] Kara
    We're helping you promote
    this show to make it a hit,
[03:17] Kara
    and if we're not getting 
    anything once it is a hit,
[03:20] Kara
    what the hell is our
     motivation supposed to be?!
[03:22] Kara
    Well? Well?!
[03:25] Kara
    I'm definitely not in the wrong here!
[03:27] All
    You tell 'em, Karamatsu!
[03:29] Kara
    Give us royalties, too!
[03:30] All
    Yeah! Yeah!
[03:32] Kara
    Give us bonuses!
[03:33] All
    Yeah! Yeah!
[03:34] Kara
    We can't buy any fancy cars like this!
SIGN    Anime                     Mr. Osomatsu              Contract Renewals
[03:39] Lady
    Looks like things went
    badly again this year.
[03:42] Lady
    The next season may be in danger.
[03:44] All
    Money! Money! Money! Money! Money! Money!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Toukyuu
SIGN    "Shopping"
[05:21] Jyushi
    What are you guys buying today?
[05:25] Todo
    I'm thinking something suited for spring.
[05:26] Choro
    Same. I hope I find something
    with a bright feel.
[05:29] Jyushi
    What about you, Karamatsu-niisan?
[05:31] Kara
    I'm thinking about changing
    up my image a bit.
[05:33] Jyushi
    Seriously?
[05:35] Kara
    I might be feeling adventurous today.
[05:36] Jyushi
    What?
[05:38] Todo
    What about you, Ichimatsu-niisan?
[05:40] Ichi
    Something normal.
[05:41] Todo
    What would you consider normal?
[05:43] Ichi
    Something plain that doesn't stand out.
[05:45] Todo
    Oh, I see.
[05:46] Oso
    Well, we won't know what they
    have until we get there.
[05:50] Todo
    Yeah, you never know what it
    actually looks like online.
[05:53] Kara
    I hope we all find something
    nice today, brothers.
[05:55] Choro
    Yeah.
[06:18] Todo
    Ichimatsu-niisan.
[06:20] Todo
    I think this would look great on you.
[06:22] Ichi
    Really? Isn't it too flashy?
[06:23] Todo
    No way! You'll look great in it!
[06:26] Ichi
    I was thinking about this one.
[06:28] Todo
    That's way too plain. Go for this one.
[06:29] Ichi
    Really? I've never worn
    something like this before.
[06:33] Ichi
    It might look good on me,
    but I wouldn't be comfortable in it.
[06:36] Todo
    Yeah, I guess I can see that. Okay...
[06:40] Kara
    Totty, can I see your smartphone?
[06:46] Kara
    There you go.
[06:49] Choro
    They're all good in their own way.
[06:52] Kara
    I think this one's a nice color.
[06:54] Choro
    Maybe this one, too.
[06:56] Both
    Hmm... This is so hard.
[06:59] Todo
    Did you pick something, Osomatsu-niisan?
[07:01] Oso
    Yeah, this one.
[07:02] Todo
    Really?
[07:04] Todo
    Are you sure? Did you really think about it?
[07:06] Oso
    This one was the cheapest.
[07:07] Todo
    Nah... If it's cheap,
    there's definitely a reason.
[07:12] Todo
    See? You can see the difference, right?
[07:17] Oso
    Oh, you're right! They're totally different!
[07:20] Todo
    This one seems cheaper, right?
[07:22] Oso
    Yeah, it's shoddy! Yikes!
[07:25] Jyushi
    How's this outfit?
[07:29] Oso
    Jyushimatsu, what the hell is that?
[07:31] Choro
    You don't have to wear it for laughs!
[07:33] Choro
    You can't walk outside with an
    embarrassing design like that!
[07:36] Todo
    Talk about a waste of money!
[07:40] Kara
    What do you think?
[07:41] Ichi
    What?
[07:42] Kara
    Huh? It's no good?
[07:44] Ichi
    You should go for something plainer.
[07:45] Kara
    But this looks so cool!
[07:47] Ichi
    It's cool on its own, but not when you wear it.
[07:51] Kara
    But this is what I want to wear!
[07:52] Ichi
    What you want to wear and what looks
    good on you are separate things.
[07:55] Kara
    I see.
[07:58] Todo
    Which one should I get...
[08:00] Todo
    Well?
[08:01] Oso
    You look the same as usual.
[08:03] Todo
    What about this?
[08:04] Choro
    Go for it.
[08:06] All
    Nope, no way.
[08:08] Kara
    It's okay.
[08:10] Oso
    Hey! That looks great on you!
[08:12] Todo
    Man, it's so hard to decide!
[08:20] Jyushi
    Excuse me!
[08:23] Guy
    Customer number 14!
[08:26] Jyushi
    Here!
[08:27] Guy
    We've finished fixing your sleeves.
[08:30] Guy
    What do you think?
[08:32] Jyushi
    It's perfect! Thank you very much.
[08:38] Guy
    I'll wrap them up for you.
    Please wait a few minutes.
[08:40] Todo
    Oh, no need for that.
    We're going to wear them home.
[08:46] Guy
    Thank you very much!
[08:49] Oso
    Man, I found the perfect one!
[08:51] Kara
    I got adventurous.
[08:53] Jyushi
    We've got even more stuff to wear now!
SIGN    End
[08:59] Sign
    Congratulations
[09:03] Sign
    Akasaka High School 
    OXth Akasaka High School Graduation Ceremony
[09:25] Tachi
    Professor.
[09:30] Choro
    Tacchan!
[09:36] Tachi
    It's been a while, Professor.
[09:38] Choro
    It has. How many years has it been
    since we graduated high school?
SIGN    "Friends"
[09:42] Tachi
    It's definitely been a while.
[09:44] Choro
    But you actually showed up.
[09:46] Tachi
    Of course I did.
[09:49] Tachi
    There's no way I could forget
    what happened here on that day.
[10:01] Choro
    Yeah.
[10:06] Tachi
    But you sure have changed, Professor.
[10:09] Tachi
    You're totally different from
    when you were in high school.
[10:11] Choro
    Look who's talking!
    You're like an actual adult.
[10:15] Tachi
    How are your brothers?
[10:17] Choro
    They haven't changed.
[10:18] Tachi
    So much happened during high school.
[10:21] Choro
    Yeah.
[10:24] Tachi
    Karamatsu was such a scaredy-cat.
[10:26] (Flashback) Tachi
    Hey.
[10:28] (Flashback) Kara
    T-Tatsunami-kun...
[10:30] (Flashback) Tatsu
    Know where Professor is?
[10:32] (Flashback) Kara
    Sorry! I have no idea...
[10:34] Choro
    He got scared so easily.
    He was way too quick to cry.
[10:38] Tatsu
    Well, how I looked probably didn't help.
[10:42] (Flashback) Girl
    Matsuno-kun.
[10:42] (Flashback) Kara
    Yes?!
[10:44] Kara
    Yeah, no. He's way too scared.
[10:46] Tatsu
    Ichimatsu was hard to get along with.
[10:49] (Flashback) Tatsu
    Know where Professor is?
[10:50] (Flashback) Ichi
    Professor?! You must mean Choromatsu!
[10:57] (Flashback) Ichi
    I don't know! Yay!
[11:09] Choro
    He's trying way too hard. It hurts to watch.
[11:12] Tatsu
    Todomatsu was super needy, like a little kid.
[11:16] Choro
    He really is a kid.
[11:19] Choro
    Wait. Is he getting smaller?
[11:23] Choro
    Huh?!
[11:25] Tatsu
    He was such a cute little guy.
[11:27] Choro
    Now he doesn't have any time
     for me at all, though.
[11:32] Todo
    Creepy.
[11:34] Tatsu
    Jyushimatsu was always acting tough.
[11:36] Tatsu
    He was always picking fights.
[11:38] (Flashback) Jyushi
    You wanna throw down? Huh?!
[11:42] Choro
    Who is he fighting?
[11:43] (Flashback) Jyushi
    The hell are you lookin' at?!
[11:44] Choro
    You're the one staring.
[11:48] Choro
    Are you pretending to fight someone?
[11:51] Choro
    How the hell did you lose?!
[11:53] Tatsu
    And Osomatsu truly was an idiot.
[12:11] Choro
    Why'd he even bother going to school?
[12:15] Choro
    Honestly, all of these are
    just precious memories now.
[12:18] Tatsu
    Yeah.
[12:20] Tatsu
    Though, in my case, that's all
    thanks to you, Professor.
[12:23] Choro
    Oh, stop. Where'd that come from?
[12:26] Choro
    Also, you're basically the only one
    to call me Professor, Tacchan.
[12:30] Tatsu
    I'm truly grateful.
[12:32] Tatsu
    You saved me back in high school.
[12:35] Tatsu
    If you hadn't been around,
    by now I'd probably be...
[12:47] Tatsu
    No one liked me.
SIGN    Akasaka High School
SIGN    Akasaka  High  School
[12:50] Tatsu
    I felt like there was no point
    in going to that school.
[12:52] Tatsu
    I was thinking of quitting.
[12:55] Tatsu
    But that was never going to work.
[12:59] Tatsu
    Because...
[13:00] (Flashback) Choro
    Tacchan!
[13:04] (Flashback) Tatsu
    Professor!
[13:07] (Flashback) Tatsu
    Look at this insane lineup!
SIGN    Melon
    The High School Girl
     of Your Dreams
SIGN    First Press Comes with a DVD!
SIGN    Hot Wives Special
SIGN    The Legend  of Satomi
[13:10] (Flashback) Tatsu
    How did you get all of these?!
[13:14] (Flashback) Choro
    I can't have you underestimating
    my skills, my friend.
[13:16] (Flashback) Tatsu
    Way to go, Dirty Magazine Professor!
SIGN    Melon
    The High School Girl 
    of Your Dreams
[13:27] Tatsu
    I didn't quit because I wanted to read all
    the dirty magazines you brought to school.
SIGN    Supplementary Test
[13:34] Tatsu
    But since I was an idiot, I kept failing,
[13:37] Tatsu
    so I had to take supplementary
    exams to avoid flunking out.
[13:41] Tatsu
    The teacher realized I was cheating.
[13:45] Tatsu
    I thought everything was over, and then...
[13:51] (Flashback) Teach
    What's this?
[13:53] (Flashback) Teach
    This is shameful! Absolutely shameful!
[13:57] Tatsu
    Thanks to that dirty magazine,
    I wasn't held back.
[14:01] Tatsu
    I can't tell you how many
    times they saved me.
SIGN    Bazoongas  Festival
[14:21] (Flashback) Choro
    Yay!
[14:22] (Flashback) Tatsu
    Yay!
[14:36] Tatsu
    I'm truly grateful.
[14:39] Tatsu
    Thanks, Dirty Magazine Professor.
[14:42] Choro
    Nah, I didn't do anything. It's all
    thanks to those dirty magazines.
[14:47] Choro
    And now, they're just some great memories.
[14:50] Tatsu
    Yeah.
[14:52] Choro
    But I need to apologize to
    you for what happened.
[14:58] Choro
    That scar under your eye.
[15:01] Choro
    That was all my fault.
[15:04] Tatsu
    It's not your fault!
[15:05] Choro
    No...
[15:06] Choro
    It totally is.
[15:15] (Flashback) Choro
    No! It just came out! I haven't
    even gotten to look at it yet!
[15:24] (Flashback) Tatsu
    Stop that!
[15:27] (Flashback) Tatsu
    You'll be sorry if you lay a finger on...
[15:31] (Flashback) Tatsu
    that dirty magazine!
[15:33] (Flashback) Choro
    Tacchan!
[15:34] (Flashback) Guy
    Who the hell are you?!
[15:42] (Flashback) Guy
    You little shit...
[15:45] (Flashback) Choro
    Tacchan!
[15:58] (Flashback) Choro
    You okay?
[15:59] (Flashback) Tatsu
    Don't worry about me! Is the magazine okay?
[16:00] (Flashback) Choro
    Yeah! I protected it with my life!
     Let's look at it together!
[16:05] (Flashback) Choro
    Yay! It's a sealed page!
[16:08] (Flashback) Tatsu
    W-Wait, Professor! If you rush too much—
[16:10] Choro
    Take that!
[16:16] (Flashback) Choro
    Ta...
[16:16] (Flashback) Choro
    Tacchan!
[16:24] Choro
    It is my fault.
[16:25] Tatsu
    It's not your fault.
[16:26] Choro
    No, it's definitely my fault.
[16:29] Tatsu
    No! It was all because of that sealed page!
[16:32] Tatsu
    Sealed pages make people go insane!
[16:36] Choro
    Thanks, Tacchan.
[16:38] Choro
    They're all just precious memories now.
[16:43] Tatsu
    Yeah.
[16:48] Tatsu
    To think we were so close...
[16:51] Tatsu
    and ended up causing that incident.
[16:54] Choro
    Actually, that tragedy might've 
    happened because we were so close.
[17:11] (Flashback) Choro
    You betrayed me.
[17:14] (Flashback) Choro
    Say something.
[17:20] (Flashback) Choro
    You have a girlfriend, don't you?!
[17:23] (Flashback) Choro
    You don't need these dirty
    magazines anymore, do you?!
[17:25] (Flashback) Choro
    You traitor!
[17:27] (Flashback) Choro
    Who cares about these anymore?!
[17:29] (Flashback) Tatsu
    Stop it, Professor!
[17:32] (Flashback) Choro
    What's more important?
    The dirty magazines or your girlfriend?
[17:37] (Flashback) Choro
    The dirty magazines are more
    important, right, Tacchan?
[17:43] (Flashback) Choro
    I guess you don't need your
     girlfriend anymore, then.
[17:46] (Flashback) Choro
    She's in your room right now, isn't she?
[17:50] (Flashback) Choro
    Let's get rid of her.
[17:55] Tatsu
    There was something wrong
     with us back then.
[17:58] Choro
    To think we'd do something like that
    to an innocent girl like her...
[18:14] Tatsu
    And then, on that day...
[18:19] Choro
    At that moment...
[18:20] Tatsu
    In this place...
[18:24] Both
    ...we buried her here.
[18:26] Choro
    Every time this day comes, I think about...
[18:29] Tatsu
    ...what we do for atonement.
[18:34] Choro
    So that we don't forget this tragedy...
[18:37] Tatsu
    Because we can't escape our sin...
[18:42] Choro
    She's still buried.
[18:45] Tatsu
    Yeah.
[18:49] Choro
    These are just precious memories now, too.
[18:53] Tatsu
    Yeah.
[18:58] Choro
    Man, this takes me back. I wish we
    could go back to being kids, Tacchan.
[19:02] Tatsu
    That's not gonna happen.
[19:05] Tatsu
    We're adults now.
[19:09] Choro
    Tacchan...
[19:11] Tatsu
    See ya, Professor.
[19:15] Choro
    H-He disappeared?
[19:18] Choro
    Oh, right. Tacchan never
    existed to begin with.
[19:24] Choro
    The dirty magazines were basically my whole
    identity in my shitty high school life,
[19:29] Choro
    and I wanted to share that with someone.
[19:31] Choro
    So he was basically my imaginary friend.
SIGN    End
[19:39] Choro
    Sheeeh!
[21:21] Ichi
    You're actually an imaginary
    friend I thought up, aren't you?
[21:26] Oso
    Huh?
SIGN    "IF Doubts"
[21:27] Ichi
    I know. You can't fool me.
[21:29] Ichi
    You're actually an imaginary
    friend who doesn't exist.
[21:32] Oso
    The hell?
[21:34] Ichi
    You're a fictional friend I thought up.
    For mental and emotional support.
[21:38] Oso
    And you're saying that's me?
[21:39] Ichi
    Yeah.
[21:40] Oso
    Why, though?!
[21:41] Oso
    We've lived together ever since we were born.
[21:44] Oso
    And I'm not your friend. I'm your brother.
[21:47] Ichi
    You can't fool me. You don't exist.
[21:49] Oso
    What are you talking about?
[21:51] Ichi
    Prove to me that you exist, then.
[21:53] Oso
    What?
[21:54] Ichi
    See? You can't. Because you're imaginary.
[21:57] Ichi
    But don't worry. If I die, so will you.
[22:03] Oso
    Wait, stop, Ichimacchan! I actually exist!
[22:06] Oso
    See? Your big brother's right here!
[22:09] Ichi
    You're right. You do exist.
[22:13] Ichi
    Which means you're not my imaginary friend.
[22:17] Ichi
    I'm an imaginary friend you made up.
[22:21] Oso
    Huh?
[22:21] Jyushi
    If you die, I'll disappear, too.
[22:23] Oso
    What?
[22:25] Oso
    Wait, stop!
[22:27] Oso
    Why does my method look way
    more painful, Ichimacchan?!
[22:30] Ichi
    Why are you so scared
    when this is all imaginary?
[22:33] Ichi
    We imaginary sextuplets
    live our imaginary lives
[22:36] Ichi
    in this imaginary house,
    imagined by someone's imagination!
[22:39] Oso
    I don't follow.
[22:41] Ichi
    All of you, listen up.
[22:42] Oso
    Who are you talking to?
[22:44] Ichi
    All of your friends, lovers,
    family, coworkers...
[22:48] Ichi
    They're all just your imaginary friends.
[22:51] Oso
    Stop that.
[22:51] Ichi
    This anime doesn't even exist.
[22:55] Ichi
    It's just something imaginary that your
    imaginations thought up to watch every week.
[22:59] Ichi
    The epitome of imagination!
[23:01] Ichi
    You're all messed up.
[23:02] Oso
    You're messed up!
[23:03] Ichi
    Now, say goodnight, imaginary friends.
[23:08] Ichi
    I'll throw you into the depths of despair
[23:10] Ichi
    again next week with your lovely imagination.
[23:12] Oso
    Stop!
[23:13] Ichi
    Is it imaginary or is it not
    imaginary? Nobody knows.
[23:18] Ichi
    That's...
[23:21] Ichi
    imaginary.
[23:25] Oso
    Uh, you just want to say "imaginary," don't you?
[23:28] Ichi
    No. We ended up with extra time.
[23:30] Oso
    Well, that got realistic fast.
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:34] Todo
    Hey, it's Totty!
[23:36] Todo
    Next time on Mr. Osomatsu, 
    we have "A-1 Grand Prix."
[23:39] Todo
    As you can imagine,
    my role in this will be...
[23:41] Todo
    Pretty nonexistent! Yup!
[23:43] Todo
    However... Irino Miyu has a
    surprisingly big part in this!
SIGN    "A-1 Grand Prix"   etc.
[23:49] Todo
    Congratulations on this god-tier episode!

E24 - A-1 Grand Prix
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[01:41] Oso
    Man... The third season is over
    with next week's episode.
[01:45] Oso
    I'm seriously surprised we even pulled
    off two cours in this situation.
[01:49] Oso
    We're so awesome and cool.
[01:51] Oso
    Give us NEETs the People's Honor Award, too.
[01:55] Oso
    On the other hand, thank goodness we
    finished the third season without issues.
[01:59] Oso
    Great job, guys.
[02:14] Oso
    You're...
[02:16] New oso
    Heya, Osomatsu-kun. It's been a while.
[02:19] New oso
    It's me, the eldest brother of the new
    sextuplets who appeared in episode 1
[02:21] New oso
    and immediately got canned.
[02:24] New oso
    I'm the New Osomatsu. Remember me?
[02:28] New oso
    We were the new protagonists created
    to make this a wonderful show,
[02:31] New oso
    starting with this season.
[02:33] New oso
    We we were forced to step down,
     though, thanks to you guys.
[02:37] Oso
    Uh, yeah, I'm pretty sure
    that wasn't our fault.
SIGN    "New Osomatsu Returns"
[02:41] New oso
    I just got out, so I'm here to kill you.
[02:44] Oso
    Huh?
[02:47] New oso
    You didn't even come to visit.
    That's so mean.
[02:48] Oso
    Hey!
[02:53] New oso
    You're thankful the third season
    is wrapping up without issues?
[02:55] New oso
    I wouldn't say there weren't issues. I mean,
    what are the new sextuplets supposed to do?
[02:59] Oso
    Help me!
[03:01] New oso
    We were just created and then cast aside.
[03:04] New oso
    We have nothing to do and nowhere to go.
[03:06] New oso
    Which means...
[03:08] New oso
    I'm going to kill you.
[03:10] Oso
    Hey, hang on! You only got canned
    because you guys did something bad!
[03:13] Oso
    Why take it out on me?
[03:15] New oso
    Because I can!
[03:16] Oso
    Huh?
[03:17] New oso
    I'm definitely going to kill you.
[03:18] Oso
    Whoa! Hey!
[03:20] New oso
    I mean, we prepared so many
     things that just got scrapped!
[03:23] New oso
    Like these wonderful scripts,
    and this super cute merch.
SIGN    New Mr. Osomatsu Episode 1 AR Script
SIGN    New  Mr. Osomatsu
[03:27] New oso
    We even had a new version of F6.
[03:30] New oso
    And it was all for naught,
    thanks to you guys.
[03:32] Oso
    Seriously, we didn't do anything!
[03:34] New oso
    Yeah, I know. I'm still going to kill you.
[03:38] New oso
    Gonna kill you.
[03:41] New oso
    Gonna kill you.
[03:43] New oso
    Gonna kill you.
[03:47] Oso
    Uh, how the hell are you that strong?!
[03:52] Oso
    This is messed up!
[03:55] Oso
    You're way too strong!
[03:56] Oso
    Someone save me!
[03:58] Oso
    Can I get a ref here?!
[04:02] Oso
    I-I've had enough... of you!
[04:09] Oso
    God, what a pain.
[04:13] New osomatsu
    Osomatsu!
[04:18] New osomatsu
    I'm gonna rip off your dick!
[04:20] New oso
    Then I'm gonna slice it up, pound it,
    smash it, put it in a mixer,
[04:23] New oso
    add some salt and pepper, and flambé it!
[04:25] New oso
    It's gonna be an all-out sausage fest!
[04:30] Oso
    What did you even say just now?
[04:32] New oso
    Hey, hello there! Thanks for your support!
[04:35] Oso
    Okay, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
[04:36] New oso
    I'm gonna burn your asshole!
[04:38] Oso
    Seriously, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde!
[05:11] Oso
    Come forth, F6!
[05:14] Oso
    Come forth, New F6!
[05:18] Both
    Go!
[05:28] Toto
    Please, just stop!
[05:31] Toto
    I have no idea what's going on!
[05:38] Oso
    I won!
[05:42] New oso B
    It looks like New Osomatsu was defeated.
[05:47] New oso B
    But he was the weakest of us,
     the New Osomatsu 5.
[05:53] Boss New Oso
    Show him what true fear is,
     New New Osomatsu.
[05:57] New new oso
    Yes, sir.
[06:02] New new oso
    You're finished, Old Osomatsu.
[06:04] Oso
    New New Osomatsu...
[06:11] New new oso
    Who's there?!
[06:12] Oso
    Guys!
[06:19] Todo
    Wait, why am I the only one wearing this?!
[06:23] Todo
    I want to change!
[06:36] Dad
    S-Such incredible power...
[06:38] Dad
    Earth is going to be destroyed!
[06:40] Mom
    Their bodies won't hold up if
    they keep using this power!
[06:47] Both
    It sure didn't.
[06:54] Mom
    Th-That emblem...
[06:56] Dad
    You know what that is, dear?
[06:58] Mom
    Nope.
[07:01] Dad
    I-Is that his second form?!
[07:06] Dad
    Guess not.
[07:09] Mom
    Wait, is that...
[07:12] Dad
    You know what that is, dear?
[07:13] Mom
    It's the Russian martial art, systema!
[07:27] Ichi
    It won't hurt.
[07:29] Dad
    It sure is systema.
[07:34] Jyushi
    It looks like Jyushimatsu was defeated.
[07:38] Jyushi
    But he was the weakest of us,
     the Jyushimatsu 1000.
[07:43] Jyushi
    Show him what true fear is, Jyushimatsu.
[07:46] All
    Aye!
[07:50] Ichi
    Lunatic Magi Luna Hell Fire!
[07:55] Kara
    Nice Summer! 800 Summer!
[07:59] Choro
    Buzz, stab. Buzz, stab.
[08:01] Choro
    Buzz, stab.
[08:06] Jyushis
    Regrets. Oh, no, oh, no, no.
[08:12] Toto
    Just stop already!
[08:16] Choro
    That's—
[08:18] Kara
    Shit!
[08:19] Kara
    The Ultimate Gate has opened!
[08:22] Kara
    We didn't make it in time!
[08:23] Toto
    Just stop! What the heck is going on?!
[08:31] Oso
    You...
[08:33] Oso
    And all of you!
[09:08] Oso
    Wh-What...
[09:12] New oso
    Now, rise.
[09:15] Oso
    You're... The Ultimate Osomatsu.
[09:20] New oso
    It's not over yet. Our fight
    is just about to begin.
[09:25] Oso
    Yeah.
[09:36] Both
    Let's go, Osomatsu!
[09:40] Toto
    Just stop! I'm going insane!
[09:44] Toto
    You assholes!
SIGN    End
[09:52] Nar
    The never-ending battle for
    artificial intelligence.
[09:54] Nar
    And now, our champions from the previous
    years will open the ceremony.
[09:59] Uchiumi
    Heyo, we're Cherryboy.
[10:01] Both
    Thanks for having us!
SIGN    Grand Prix
[10:02] Uchi
    Thanks! We just received some bias and
    weighting over some machine learning,
[10:09] Uchi
    so thanks.
[10:10] Uchi
    I say let it happen.
[10:12] Komaba
    Yeah, that's just the best. By the way...
[10:16] Uchi
    Yeah?
[10:16] Koma
    Apparently, my mother computer
    has a manga artist she likes,
SIGN    Grand Prix
[10:21] Koma
    but she forgot their name.
[10:24] Uchi
    Wow, she forgot the manga artist's name?
SIGN    Grand Prix
[10:26] Uchi
    Does she know what they look like?
    Maybe I can help.
[10:30] Koma
    According to my mother computer...
[10:32] Koma
    They were a legendary gag manga
    artist who was huge in the Showa era.
[10:35] Uchi
    Ah... So it's Akatsuka Fujio.
[10:38] Uchi
    Without a doubt, that's Akatsuka Fujio!
[10:42] Koma
    But I just don't know...
[10:43] Uchi
    Don't know what?
[10:46] Koma
    I thought it was Akatsuka Fujio, too.
[10:48] Uchi
    Right?
[10:48] Koma
    But according to my mother computer,
    every single manga they released was a hit.
[10:54] Uchi
    Huh... I guess it isn't Akatsuka Fujio, then.
[10:58] Uchi
    Akatsuka Fujio is definitely a genius
    who came up with a bunch of hits,
[11:03] Uchi
    but he had even more titles
    that never made the cut.
[11:06] Uchi
    The bar isn't very high, so rather
    than being a genius manga artist,
[11:10] Uchi
    he was an old fart who loved alcohol,
    gambling, and sleeping around.
[11:14] Uchi
    Everyone gives him too much credit.
    So the anime can just be whatever, too.
SIGN    Grand Prix
[11:19] Uchi
    Now, let's get this show started.
[11:21] Both
    The A-1 Grand Prix 2021 Finals
    are about to start!
[11:27] Nar
    There are AI that want to
    make the humans laugh.
[11:30] Nar
    They number an unbelievable
    80,435,081 groups!
[11:36] Nar
    They want to prove...
[11:38] Nar
    that even they... can get laughs!
SIGN    May I help you?
SIGN    AASIMO
[11:45] Nar
    AASIMO!
SIGN    Roonda
[11:47] Nar
    Roonda!
SIGN    There's only
SIGN    Us
SIGN    Peppo
[11:49] Nar
    Peppo!
SIGN    Alexsa
[11:51] Nar
    Alexsa!
SIGN    Moguradar
[11:53] Nar
    Moguradar!
SIGN    Tontsukanyan
[11:55] Nar
    Tontsukanyan!
SIGN    Basshyz
[11:57] Nar
    Basshyz!
SIGN    Riceballs
[11:59] Nar
    Riceballs!
[12:01] Nar
    The AI cannot be stopped!
SIGN    Grand Prix
[12:05] Nar
    A-1 Grand Prix!
SIGN    Begins after the commercial break!!
[12:11] Todo
    Dang, the Riceballs actually
    made it to the finals.
[12:14] Ichi
    It's unbelievable.
[12:15] Oso
    Our support AI!
[12:17] Choro
    Why are they getting all of the spotlight?!
[12:21] Jyushi
    I wonder how the Riceballs
    are doing right about now.
[12:24] Kara
    They're probably pretty nervous.
[12:26] Jyushi
    Maybe they're puking oil.
[12:27] Kara
    Oil? Nah, I wouldn't go that far.
[12:51] Ume
    I-I'm so nervous.
[12:53] Salmon
    Let's at least go over our bit.
[12:55] Ume
    Yeah.
[13:02] Sh
    We can't even practice our own with
    everyone else practicing everywhere.
[13:06] Ume
    This happens all the time.
[13:07] Chibi
    Why, though?
SIGN    Quiet!
[13:09] Ume
    Hey, IwaChibi-san, why are you practicing?
[13:12] Ume
    Could you let us practice here?
[13:14] Iyami
    W-We might be chosen...
[13:16] Chibi
    ...in the repechage.
[13:18] Both
    Yeah, that's not happening.
[13:20] Sh
    You lost in the first round,
    so that's not happening.
[13:23] Ume
    You need to at least make
    it to the semifinals.
[13:25] Both
    Sheeeh!
SIGN    Laugh Lottery
[13:31] Ume
    Th-That's...
[13:32] Shake
    The laugh lottery!
SIGN    Laugh Lottery
[13:34] Ume
    The lottery that will decide the
    order we go in and our fate.
[13:38] Shake
    The most important thing in
    competitions like this is...
SIGN    Important!
SIGN    That's!?
[13:41] Both
    The order of the routines.
[13:43] Shake
    The subject matter, technique, and whether
    it's modern or not honestly don't matter!
[13:47] Shake
    What's important is the order we go in!
[13:49] Ume
    Did we go too far? It's the truth, though!
[13:51] Shake
    This is the angel and devil
    that have brought blessings
[13:54] Shake
    to many comedians in the
    past and killed others.
[13:57] Ume
    The first group has a harder time winning.
[13:59] Shake
    An orthodox group has a harder time
    going after a group with props.
[14:02] Ume
    The best place to be is
[14:04] Ume
    when the group before you completely
    fails and sets the stage for you,
[14:08] ume
    or right after that.
[14:09] ume
    Not after the first epic fail, if possible,
    but after the second or third.
[14:16] ume
    But things never go that well.
[14:19] ume
    So let's figure out an algorithm
    guaranteeing our victory.
[14:23] shake
    Okay.
[14:24] ume
    First, how many bits do we have?
[14:27] Shake
    648,563.
[14:30] Ume
    How many of those are four minutes?
[14:32] Shake
    120,422.
[14:34] Ume
    How many that will make or break us?
[14:35] Shake
    3,978.
[14:38] Ume
    What if we're up first?
SIGN    Convenience  Store
SIGN    Convenience  Store
[14:41] Shake
    What if we're up second?
SIGN    Interview
[14:44] Ume
    What if we're third?
SIGN    Convenience  Store
[14:44] [Messenger] Sign
    Interview
SIGN    Sandals
[14:46] Shake
    What if we're fourth?
[14:48] [Messenger] Sign
    Phone
[14:48] Ume
    What if the group before us fails?
[14:50] Shake
    What if the group before us epically fails?
[14:52] Ume
    What if there's a commercial
    break before we go on?
[14:54] Shake
    What if the judges are in a bad mood?
[14:59] Both
    We've come up with an algorithm
    to win the A-1 Grand Prix!
[15:06] Shake
    Behold the power of AI.
[15:08] Ume
    We are flawless.
[15:10] AD
    It's almost go time.
[15:18] Both
    Akatsuka-sensei!
[15:22] Ichi
    Hey, it's on.
SIGN    Grand Prix
[15:32] Irino
    Hello! A-1 Grand Prix 2021 has officially begun!
[15:36] Irino
    I'm Irino Miyu, and I'll be your host, along with...
[15:38] Aya
    I'm Endou Aya!
[15:40] Both
    Let's have a great show!
[15:43] Irino
    And these are our AI judges!
[15:48] Irino
    Okay, let's get started.
SIGN    Laugh  Lottery
[15:50] Irino
    Here's the first group.
    Let's see what the laugh lottery says.
[15:56] Irino
    If you will, Endou-san.
[15:58] Aya
    Sure.
[16:00] aya
    The first group is... Ta-da!
SIGN    Peppo
[16:02] Aya
    Peppo!
[16:06] Irino
    Come on up, Peppo!
[16:08] Robots
    Yeah! You've got this!
[16:12] All
    Fail, fail, fail...
SIGN    We're up first?
SIGN    Our luck sucks
[16:14] All
    Fail, fail, fail...
[16:16] All
    Fail, fail, fail!
[16:19] Ume
    But it's not good if the first group fails
    too hard, because the crowd gets grim.
[16:23] Ume
    Hopefully, they'll warm up the crowd.
[16:25] Shake
    Just don't epically fail.
[16:27] Both
    Don't epically fail!
SIGN    Peppo
[16:29] Both
    Hello, we're Peppo!
[16:32] Pepo A
    So, cellphone bills lately...
[16:34] Peppo b
    Yeah?
[16:35] Peppo B
    They're too effing expensive! Like, do
    they want rob us of house and home?!
[16:39] Peppo A
    Wait, what? Where did that even come from?
SIGN    Roonda
SIGN    Moguradar
SIGN    Peppo
[16:42] Shake
    At first, we were hoping
    all of our rivals would fail.
[16:46] Ume
    But they were all funny.
[16:49] Ume
    Even if there was a group
    that didn't get laughs,
[16:51] Ume
    they're honestly amazing
    to make it to the finals.
[16:55] Ume
    They must've worked so
    earnestly. That's so awesome.
[16:59] Shake
    I'm so happy we get to be here.
[17:02] Shake
    Let's just have fun.
SIGN    Roonda
SIGN    Moguradar
SIGN    Basshyz
[17:04] Shake
    While we were thinking about that...
[17:08] Aya
    The sixth group is... Ta-da!
SIGN    Riceballs
[17:10] Aya
    The Riceballs!
[17:14] Irino
    Come on out here, Riceballs!
[17:18] Four
    Riceballs!
[17:19] Choro
    You've got this!
[17:20] Oso
    People better laugh!
[17:22] Toto
    Salmon-chan!
[17:25] Iyami
    Laugh, people...
[17:26] Chibi
    Please!
[17:28] Aya
    And now for the Riceballs.
[17:32] Aya
    They're up...
[17:35] Aya
    Right after this commercial break!
[17:37] Irino
    D'oh!
[17:38] All
    D'oh!
[17:40] Both
    D'oh!
SIGN    Grand Prix
SIGN    The Finalists
[17:45] Lady
    A-1 Grand Prix 2021, the finalists.
[17:51] Nar
    They managed an unbelievable feat,
[17:53] Nar
    making it to the finals the
    year they formed their group.
[17:55] Nar
    The funny bot, Salmon.
[17:57] Nar
    The straight bot, Pickled Plum.
[17:59] Nar
    After their hellish start being
    support AI for the stupid sextuplets,
[18:02] Nar
    they were replaced and then reborn.
[18:05] Nar
    They've been given the Akatsuka DNA.
    Thanks, sextuplets. Thanks, Master Iyami.
[18:10] Nar
    This is our ultimate comedy routine.
[18:18] Lady
    Entry number 451132... the Riceballs!
[18:29] Both
    Hello!
[18:31] Shake
    I'm Salmon.
[18:32] Ume
    I'm Pickled Plum.
[18:33] Both
    We're the Riceballs. Thanks for having us.
[18:37] Shake
    Say, Pickled Plum-kun.
[18:39] Ume
    What is it, Salmon-kun?
[18:40] Shake
    So I'm going to go eat some really
    expensive Italian cuisine.
[18:57] Ume
    Hey, Salmon... Salmon...
[19:01] Ume
    Are we failing?
[19:04] Shake
    Huh?
[19:10] Shake
    We are! No one's laughing!
[19:13] Ume
    What should we do?
[19:15] Ume
    Also, Salmon! You keep
    messing up your lines!
[19:17] Shake
    Well, so do you!
[19:18] Ume
    Crap! We messed up so much
    that I forgot the routine!
[19:20] Shake
    I forgot, too!
[19:22] Ume
    I'm about to lose power!
[19:24] Shake
    I'm gonna restore to factory settings!
[19:25] Ume
    Ugh, why? We prepared so much!
    Our algorithm isn't working at all!
[19:34] Shake
    We want to be funny!
[19:35] Ume
    We want to get laughs!
SIGN    Funny
SIGN    Laughs
SIGN    What we  want to do
SIGN    Comedy AI
[19:48] Both
    We're comedy AI!
[20:17] Irino
    What the heck? That's hilarious!
[20:19] Aya
    Even though they're not funny at all!
[20:27] Six
    I can't stop laughing!
[20:30] Six
    What the hell?!
[20:38] Irino
    And now for the final deliberations...
[20:41] Nar
    The final results!
SIGN    Grand Prix
[20:49] Irino
    The champion of A-1 Grand Prix 2021 is...
SIGN    Kyojingu   Sabikawake   Haniwa   Rakurero   Purokko   Amagasa   Awajishima
SIGN    Riceballs   Sabikawake   Haniwa   Rakurero   Purokko   Amagasa   Awajishima
[20:53] Irino
    The Riceballs! Riceballs! Riceballs!
SIGN    Riceballs   Riceballs   Haniwa   Rakurero   Purokko   Amagasa   Awajishima
SIGN    Riceballs   Riceballs   Riceballs   Rakurero   Purokko   Amagasa   Awajishima
SIGN    Riceballs   Riceballs   Riceballs   Riceballs   Purokko   Amagasa   Awajishima
[20:57] Irino
    Riceballs! Riceballs! Riceballs! Riceballs!
SIGN    Riceballs   Riceballs   Riceballs   Riceballs   Riceballs   Amagasa   Awajishima
SIGN    Riceballs   Riceballs   Riceballs   Riceballs   Riceballs   Riceballs   Awajishima
SIGN    Riceballs   Riceballs   Riceballs   Riceballs   Riceballs   Riceballs   Riceballs
[21:00] Irino
    The winners are the Riceballs!
[21:17] irino
    We now have our AI champions of comedy,
    the Riceballs. If we could get your comment.
SIGN    A-1 Grand Prix 2021 Champions
    
    Prize: Power for 100 years
[21:26] Shake
    A comment? I'm paddy choked up.
[21:28] Ume
    Same here.
[21:30] Both
    Because we're Riceballs.
[21:44] Kara
    Oh, God! Stop!
[21:46] Ichi
    I'm gonna die!
[21:49] Ume
    And that's how we were able to win.
[21:52] Shake
    However...
[21:54] Shake
    The TV station got a ton of complaints
    saying what we did wasn't actual comedy,
SIGN    Everyone's comments
    
    You shitty AI
    I feel some weird radio
     waves in my brain! My brain is shaking?!
    You trash brothers! Let's scrap them!
    Huh? I lost a few days worth of memories
    They're cheating? Give me back my money!
     This isn't comedy!
    I drove my car into a convenience
     store because of you! Pay up!!!
     Aaaaaaaaah my ears aaaah
    My skin is silky smooth and I can see better!
     I even feel better!
[21:59] Shake
    and that messing with people's brains with
    radio waves goes against any compliance,
SIGN    Hakata Metatron
    Those Riceballs or whatever 
    are the worst AI ever!
SIGN    Musashi of Susukino
    I kept picking the wrong 
    horses because of the
     Riceballs! This sucks! Give
     me my money back!!!
[22:05] Shake
    so we were stripped of our title.
    We became the outcasts in our field.
SIGN    Next Generation Comedian
    If that's what won,
     that show is over!
[22:09] Shake
    We weren't allowed on TV,
SIGN    TV Station President Apologizes
SIGN    A-1 Put On Indefinite Hiatus
SIGN    Akatsuka 
    Times
[22:11] Shake
    and the competition itself was
    canceled after this year.
[22:15] Riceballs
    Sheeeh!
SIGN    End
[23:48] Choro
    Next time!
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:50] Oso
    The final episode!
SIGN    Final Episode

E25 - Final Episode
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[01:57] Oso
    The last episode...
[02:07] Mom
    NEETs!
[02:08] Mom
    Why are you still in pajamas?
SIGN    "Bored"
[02:10] Mom
    Get changed already!
[02:11] Dad
    All you do is laze around all day!
     You need to shape up!
[02:15] Dad
    Womp waa womp waa waa.
[02:16] Mom
    Womp waa womp waa waa.
[02:17] Dad
    Womp waa womp waa waa.
[02:18] Mom
    Womp waa womp waa waa.
[02:19] Dad
    Womp waa womp waa waa.
[02:19] Mom
    Womp waa womp waa waa.
[02:21] Both
    A big, long lecture!
[02:25] Mom
    Hon, we're not getting through to them.
[02:27] Dad
    This is probably why you
    can't get any girls.
[02:31] Mom
    That did it.
SIGN    Matsu
SIGN    We are terribly sorry,  but we will be closed  for a while  Management
SIGN    Huge  Sale
SIGN    Tropical Fish
[02:47] Todo
    Wha...
SIGN    Sorry, but we're currently 
    Closed
    Pachinko Dragon Management
[02:50] Todo
    What? Seriously?
SIGN    Pachinko Dragon
[02:58] Todo
    What's wrong?
SIGN    To everyone using our dining area  -No outside food allowed -Please do not drink alcohol  Please do not stay for long periods of time
[03:01] Jyushi
    Guess we can't use the dining area.
[03:04] Todo
    What? Why not?
[03:05] Kara
    Does that mean we've been banned?
[03:08] Choro
    Nah, I don't think they've gone that far,
[03:11] Choro
    but they also asked us not to use it.
[03:13] Todo
    For real? Did we cause too much trouble?
[03:16] Kara
    We might've overstayed our welcome.
[03:20] Oso
    What? You guys are here, too?
[03:23] Oso
    Huh? What's wrong?
[03:37] Choro
    What should we do?
[03:38] Choro
    Should we go home?
[03:46] Todo
    Maybe I'll get a part-time job.
[03:48] Todo
    Repeating this every day is sorta pointless.
[03:50] Todo
    What a waste of time.
[03:52] Kara
    A part-time job? Like what?
[03:54] Todo
    Something easy. One where I can
    get tons of money in a short time.
SIGN    Pine Part-time Jobs | Top Page
    
    Pine Part-time Jobs
[03:58] Kara
    Does something like that exist?
    What kind of job is that?
[04:01] Todo
    Hm?
[04:03] Kara
    Hm?
[04:04] Todo
    It's your job to think of that,
    Karamatsu-niisan!
[04:07] Kara
    Sorry...
[04:09] Kara
    Why did I just apologize?
[04:12] Jyushi
    I'm gonna get a part-time job, too!
[04:13] Both
    Don't bother.
[04:14] Todo
    You? Get a part-time job?
[04:17] Kara
    What do you even plan on doing?
[04:18] Jyushi
    I'll be the ball boy at Meiji Jingu Stadium!
[04:21] Todo
    You just want to play baseball.
[04:24] Kara
    Jyushimatsu, ball boys can't play in games.
[04:28] Jyushi
    I don't need any money!
    Could I just be a pinch runner?
[04:30] Kara
    Nope.
[04:31] Jyushi
    A base coach?
[04:32] Kara
    Nope.
[04:33] Jyushi
    Defensive replacement! Bullpen catcher!
[04:34] Kara
    Nope! Go home!
[04:36] Jyushi
    Scorekeeper! Umpire! Beer vendor!
[04:36] Kara
    Nope! Nope! Nope!
[04:37] Todo
    What about you, Ichimatsu-niisan?
[04:39] Ichi
    Nah.
[04:41] Ichi
    Just living like this is a part-time job.
[04:44] Todo
    Uh, what?
[04:46] Oso
    Maybe I'll get a part-time job, too.
[04:48] Choro
    Like you actually could!
[04:49] Oso
    What? But I can do anything!
[04:51] Oso
    I can do anything if I try!
[04:53] Choro
    Uh...
[04:54] Ichi
    How about working at a
     family restaurant, then?
[04:56] Oso
    Welcome. How many in your party?
[04:59] Jyushi
    A gas station?
[05:00] Oso
    This way! This way!
[05:01] Kara
    Construction worker.
[05:03] Choro
    A bird.
[05:05] Ichi
    A gorilla.
[05:07] Jyushi
    A frog!
[05:10] Choro
    A frog working at a family restaurant.
[05:14] Jyushi
    Holy crap! He really can do anything!
[05:16] Choro
    Yeah, but that's sorta pointless!
[05:19] Oso
    Sparkle Phantom Stream!
[05:22] All
    Sparkle, sparkle! Sparkle, sparkle!
[05:24] All
    Sparkle, sparkle! Sparkle, sparkle!
[05:24] Choro
    Screw you!
[05:27] Ichi
    Sparkle Phantom Stream,
     but a construction worker.
[05:30] All
    Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle,
    sparkle, sparkle, sparkle...
[05:46] Kara
    Man, I'm bored.
[05:48] Choro
    I want to do something.
[05:50] Todo
    But I also don't.
[05:53] Oso
    I want a change.
[05:54] Kara
    But I also don't.
[05:57] Jyushi
    I want to go somewhere.
[05:59] Ichi
    But I also don't.
[06:01] Todo
    I want to take it easy.
[06:03] Choro
    We've already had it so easy.
[06:07] Kara
    B-Brothers? Why don't we actually seriously
    contemplate our futures for once?
[06:11] Kara
    Like what we want to do
    or how we want to end up?
[06:15] Kara
    No jokes. Let's take this seriously.
[06:21] Kara
    Well? What do you all want to do?
[06:24] Oso
    I want a beer.
[06:25] Jyushi
    I want some meat.
[06:26] Ichi
    I wanna sleep.
[06:26] Todo
    I wanna buy some porn.
[06:28] Choro
    Likewise.
[06:29] Kara
    I'd pick any of those things, too.
[06:39] Employee
    Hey!
[06:46] Oso
    He shooed us away.
[06:48] Ichi
    That's our fault.
[06:49] Jyushi
    Sorry.
[06:50] Todo
    We need to find another place.
[06:56] Oso
    Oh, I know.
[06:57] Oso
    Why don't we go see some cherry blossoms?
[06:59] Oso
    They've probably bloomed by now.
[07:00] Todo
    Hey, that's a great idea!
[07:02] Jyushi
    Let's throw a party! Yeah!
[07:03] Kara
    What about the booze and snacks?
[07:05] Ichi
    Should we all bring stuff?
[07:06] Ichi
    Let's all do that and meet back up.
[07:08] Jyushi
    Yay!
[07:10] Kara
    And then I'll sing you all a song.
[07:12] Ichi
    Don't. You'll kill the cherry blossoms.
[07:16] Todo
    Nice. We can finally kill some time.
[07:22] Choro
    Uh, yeah. We're gonna go see some
    cherry blossoms. Can't wait.
[07:28] Jyushi
    Let's go get some booze and snacks!
[07:30] All
    Yeah!
[07:31] Oso
    Let's meet back up at the park at 6 PM!
[07:33] All
    Yeah!
[07:38] Oso
    Like I have any money, though...
[07:41] Oso
    Come on, someone treat me.
[07:43] Oso
    I just want someone to treat
    me for the rest of my life.
[07:46] Riceballs
    Hello!
[07:48] Shake
    I'm Salmon.
[07:49] Ume
    I'm Pickled Plum.
[07:50] Both
    We're the Riceballs.
[07:51] Both
    Thanks for coming to see us today!
[07:53] Ume
    Hey, Salmon-kun.
[07:54] Oso
    Hey, it's the Riceballs.
[07:55] Shake
    What is it, Pickled Plum-kun?
[07:56] Guy
    Hey, you suck!
[07:58] Guy
    Epic fail!
[08:00] Guy
    You call yourselves comedians?
[08:01] Guy
    Do something funny!
[08:06] Both
    Piss off!
[08:08] Some
    Save me!
[08:13] Jyushi
    Booze and snacks...
[08:16] Jyushi
    I'll just get some from Chibita!
SIGN    Hybrid
    Oden
[08:19] Jyushi
    Chibita!
[08:22] Jyushi
    Huh?!
[08:24] Jyushi
    Chibita?!
[08:25] Jyushi
    Why are you dressed like that?!
[08:28] Chibi
    Hey, Broke Bros.
[08:31] Chibi
    I've been rollin' in the dough lately,
    so I bought some stuff.
[08:34] Jyushi
    Wh-What about your oden shop?
[08:37] Jyushi
    And the maid thing?
[08:38] Chibi
    That's all in the past, you idjit.
[08:41] Chibi
    The next big thing's gonna be...
[08:44] Chibi
    Cryptocurrency.
[08:46] Jyushi
    C-Cryptocurrency? What's that?
[08:48] Chibi
    It's basically imaginary money.
    There ain't no money in the real world.
[08:53] Chibi
    So you just imagine it in your mind!
[08:56] Chibi
    I've got money! More and more of it!
[08:58] Chibi
    And since it's imaginary, you just imagine
    that you you keep getting money.
[09:04] Jyushi
    But you actually haven't gotten
    any more money, right?
[09:06] Chibi
    That doesn't matter. It's imaginary.
[09:08] Jyushi
    I see!
[09:09] Chibi
    I've got savings for eternity!
[09:11] Jyushi
    Sheer genius!
[09:12] Chibi
    Jyushimatsu! You get into
    cryptocurrency, too!
[09:15] Jyushi
    Aye!
[09:20] Chibi
    More! You need to imagine harder,
    or you won't get any money!
[09:26] Chibi
    Well? Can you see the money?
[09:28] Jyushi
    I can't!
[09:29] Chibi
    Imagine harder!
[09:48] Kara
    How strange.
[09:49] Kara
    A hot guy like me is clearly bored,
    but no one's talking to me.
[09:54] Kara
    What's going on?
[09:55] Kara
    Why aren't you popular,
    Karamatsu? How bizarre.
[10:01] Kara
    What a big machine.
[10:04] Kara
    That's exactly what I'm lacking right now.
[10:06] Kara
    But I don't have any money.
[10:08] Kara
    What are you going to do, Karamatsu?
[10:10] Kara
    Find a real job? A part-time one?
[10:13] Kara
    I guess I could always try crowdfunding.
[10:16] Kara
    But doing things the old-fashioned
    way isn't fit for a star.
[10:19] Kara
    I'm gonna turn the tables!
SIGN    Lotto
[10:36] Truck
    Backing up. Please be careful.
[10:41] Ichi
    Where am I supposed to be?
[10:44] Ichi
    Uh, I don't even smoke.
[10:47] Lady
    He's creepy.
SIGN    Construction 
    50m Ahead
SIGN    Akatsuka Moving Company
[10:51] Ichi
    Maybe I should just go home.
SIGN    Daiginjo Sakura       11,250 yen  (tax included)
[11:09] Hata
    Jo... jo, jo, jo...
[11:11] Todo
    Huh?! Hatabou?!
[11:13] Todo
    You're so tiny! But your flag's huge!
[11:15] Todo
    What happened? You okay?
[11:17] Hata
    My flag sucks up nutrients, jo.
[11:19] Todo
    Your flag sucks up nutrients?
[11:21] Todo
    Oh, no! Let's just yank it out!
[11:23] Hata
    Jo.
[11:36] Todo
    It's no use. I can't pull it out.
[11:38] Todo
    Maybe I should try pushing instead.
[11:42] Todo
    Hey, you're back to normal.
    Guess that was the right answer.
[11:45] Todo
    Ready, and...
[11:51] Todo
    What?!
[11:53] Todo
    Why the hell?!
[11:54] Todo
    H-H-Hatabou! Stop!
SIGN    Akatsuka Driving School
[11:59] Kara
    Oh? Totoko-chan?
SIGN    Spring  Driving Safety  Campaign
SIGN    Akatsuka Driving School
[12:02] Kara
    You're going to driving school?
[12:04] Toto
    Yeah. I figured it'd be
    convenient to have a license.
[12:07] Toto
    So I'm just gonna go do that!
[12:09] Kara
    Sounds cool.
[12:11] Toto
    I'm a much better driver now.
[12:13] Toto
    Wanna see?
[12:14] Kara
    Yeah, I sure do!
[12:18] Kara
    You've got this, Totoko-chan!
[12:21] Kara
    Ignition.
[12:25] Toto
    I'm going to turn right.
[12:28] Guy
    Look out!
SIGN    Akatsuka Driving School
[12:32] Toto
    I'm going to make a sharp turn now.
[12:40] Guy
    Wait, stop!
[12:42] Guy
    Yowai-san!
[12:44] Guy
    Yowai-san!
[12:45] Guy
    Yowai-san?!
[12:47] Guy
    Yowai-san!
[12:50] Kara
    Look at those skills.
    Way to go, Totoko-chan!
[12:58] Kara
    Driver's permition.
SIGN    You free today?
SIGN    You have that chicken sandwich with the lemony tartar yet?
SIGN    Let's eat some meat
[13:11] Todo
    It doesn't matter how old I get.
    I still keep looking...
[13:15] Todo
    for Laputa.
[13:19] Todo
    A part-time job, huh?
[13:20] Todo
    Hey, Totty, hey.
[13:23] Todo
    Why not seriously look for once?
    What do you want to do?
[13:31] Todo
    Huh?!
[13:34] Todo
    Wh-When did that happen?!
[13:51] Jyushi
    Huh? What was I supposed to be doing again?
[13:59] Oso
    Isn't it amazing? I actually
    did what I said I'd do.
[14:02] Oso
    Way to go, Big Bro! You're the best!
[14:08] Oso
    Wait, you can't drink that now.
[14:11] Oso
    No, don't.
[14:15] Oso
    Hey!
[14:18] Oso
    Hey, Osomatsu!
[14:22] Oso
    And down the hatch.
[14:26] Oso
    Huh? Iyami?
[14:27] Iyami
    Anyone want any vaccines?
SIGN    Vaccines
[14:30] Oso
    Vaccines? Seriously?
[14:32] Oso
    Why do you have vaccines?
[14:34] Iyami
    Me made them.
[14:35] Oso
    Huh?!
SIGN    Vaccine
[14:36] Oso
    Yikes, that looks shady...
[14:39] Iyami
    It's been approved by the WHO.
[14:41] Oso
    Says you.
[14:42] Iyami
    The director gives his seal of approval.
[14:44] Oso
    Says you.
SIGN    1 bottle 30 yen
[14:45] Iyami
    Want one? Me will give you a discount.
[14:48] Oso
    Nope.
[14:49] Iyami
    What?! No?!
[14:52] Iyami
    You must be scared.
[14:54] Iyami
    That makes me sad. Where'd your
    soul as a comedic character go?
[14:58] Iyami
    You call yourself a Showa era character?
     An Akatsuka character?
[15:01] Iyami
    Aw, you softened up so much. Okay, that's fine.
[15:05] Iyami
    So me can take this as you giving up
    the show mantle and the Akatsuka pride?
SIGN    Osomatsu! The Osomatsu!
[15:15] Iyami
    Values himself over his comedy!
[15:16] Iyami
    He won't drink it! He's not diving right in!
[15:18] Iyami
    Is that what you're saying?! Huh?!
SIGN    Vaccine
[15:36] Iyami
    Thank you, come again.
[15:58] Iyami
    Sh-Sheeeh!
[16:01] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[16:10] Deka
    Hoehtora!
[16:11] Dayon
    Dayontora!
[16:12] Both
    Space people!
[16:15] Deka
    Hoehtora!
[16:16] Dayon
    Dayontora!
[16:18] Both
    Space people!
[16:20] Ichi
    What are you doing?
[16:21] Both
    We're calling a UFO.
[16:23] Ichi
    Huh?
[16:24] Deka
    Hoehtora!
[16:25] Dayon
    Dayontora!
[16:27] Both
    Space people!
[16:28] Ichi
    Whoa, they actually came.
[16:29] Dayon
    Yay! We did it!
[16:39] Deka
    Hoehtora!
[16:40] Dayon
    Dayontora!
[16:41] Both
    Space people!
[16:46] Deka
    Hoehtora!
[16:47] Dayon
    Dayontora!
[16:50] Deka
    Hoehtora!
[16:52] Dayon
    Dayontora!
[17:02] Deka
    Hoehtora!
[17:03] Dayon
    Dayontora!
[17:06] Deka
    Hoehtora!
[17:07] Ichi
    Ichitora!
[17:08] Dayon
    Dayontora!
SIGN    Used Car Dealership
[18:00] Choro
    They're in full bloom!
[18:15] Choro
    I wonder where they are.
    Maybe they're not here yet.
[18:22] Guy
    Oh, that's not true!
[18:49] (Flashback) Toto
    Wait! You're going home, Choromatsu-kun?
[18:52] (Flashback) Toto
    Why?
[18:54] (Flashback) Choro
    If they show up, could you
    tell them I went home?
[18:59] (Flashback) Choro
    I'm just not up to it.
SIGN    Akatsuka Bath
[19:21] Choro
    Wha?!
[19:27] Choro
    Huh?
[19:50] Choro
    Hey, why are you here?
    What happened to the flower viewing?
[19:53] Todo
    I mean, I sorta went...
[19:55] Jyushi
    It's just...
[19:56] Choro
    Huh?
[20:01] Choro
    Huh?!
[20:02] Ichi
    Well, you didn't go, either. Why?
[20:06] Ichi
    What?
[20:12] Oso
    Let's go again sometime.
[20:15] Oso
    It's fine. We can go
    whenever we feel like it.
[20:22] Kara
    Well, yeah.
[20:23] Todo
    Well, yeah.
[20:24] Choro
    This was your bright idea to begin with.
[20:27] Oso
    Wait, it was?
[20:28] Choro
    Seriously. You never follow through.
[20:32] Todo
    Did you all get the booze and snacks ready?
[20:35] All
    No.
[20:36] Todo
    Jerks.
[20:37] Todo
    God, you're worthless.
[20:38] Oso
    I got some! But I drank it!
[20:41] Kara
    Why did you drink it?
[20:42] jyushi
    So you got us stuff, Totty?
[20:44] Todo
    Like hell I did!
[20:45] Jyushi
    What?!
[20:46] Todo
    Why would I?!
[20:47] Jyushi
    Do something for once!
[20:48] Todo
    You're all supposed to do that for me!
[21:10] Choro
    Well, at least we were able
    to kill some time again today.
[21:13] All
    Yeah.
[21:16] Six
    Sigh...
[21:18] Six
    I wonder when something good will happen...
SIGN    Akatsuka Bath
[21:24] Ichi
    Man, I'm starving.
[21:27] Ichi
    I wonder what's for dinner tonight.
[21:29] Oso
    Wanna play some mahjong after food?
[21:31] Jyushi
    Good idea! Let's invite the Riceballs.
[21:33] Kara
    Oh, yeah. Totoko-chan is
    getting her driver's license.
[21:37] Oso
    Wait, really? I'm gonna
    get a ride from her first.
[21:40] Choro
    Nyaa-chan's baby is so much bigger now.
[21:43] Todo
    Hatabou's bigger now, too.
[21:45] Jyushi
    As for me... I got into cryptocurrency.
[21:49] Kara
    Huh?
[21:50] Ichi
    I saw a UFO.
[21:52] Choro
    Huh?
[21:53] Todo
    Hey! Hey! Who the hell farted?!
[21:56] Some
    God, that stinks!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Ending Card Illustration: Abiko Eiji
[23:34] Oso
    You guys made it through
    another season! Ready, and...
[23:37] All
    Thank you very much!
[23:40] Oso
    We hope to see you all
     again someday! That's a wrap!
SIGN    See you again someday!
[23:45] Some
    Good work, guys!
[23:46] Some
    We're done!
[23:48] Todo
    That was fun!
[23:49] Ichi
    See you later.
[23:49] Jyushi
    Bye, now! Bye-bye!
[23:50] Some
    Great job!
[23:50] Kara
    Good worknition.
[23:51] Some
    Let's do this again!
[23:51] Some
    Yeah, let's!