# Season 3
# E1 - Untitled
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/GYJK7Q236/untitled)
Translator:
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
**[00:05] Nar**
The TV anime,* Mr. Osomatsu*.
**[00:07] Nar**
If one were to describe this anime,
they would call it superb, harmless...
**[00:13] Nar**
A series that would never hurt even a fly,
***SIGN*** Akatsuka Station
**[00:15] Nar**
in which all of the characters
are extremely well-adjusted.
**[00:18] Nar**
A perfect educational show for the little ones
**[00:21] Nar**
that may or may not be recommended by MEXT.
**[00:24] Nar**
The perfect Japanimation that
will be sure to move your heart!
**[00:30] Nar**
At the root of this series
**[00:33] Nar**
are the ever-so-popular Matsuno sextuplets!
**[00:41] Fake Oso**
Hey, guys! It's been a while!
**[00:44] All**
We've missed you!
**[00:46] Fake Oso**
My name's Osomatsu.
**[00:48] Fake Kara**
And I'm Karamatsu!
**[00:50] Fake choro**
Choromatsu!
**[00:51] Fake ichimatsu**
Ichimatsu!
**[00:52] Fake jyushi**
Jyushimatsu!
**[00:52] Fake totty**
Todomatsu!
**[00:53] All**
We're sextuplets who always get along!
**[00:56] All**
We hope you enjoy the show!
**[00:57] Dad**
Season 3 is finally here!
**[00:59] Mom**
I'm so excited!
**[01:05] Oso**
Huh?
**[01:06] Oso**
Who the hell?
**[01:07] Totoko**
Wow, they're all so well-adjusted!
It's so peaceful!
**[01:11] Toto**
They're all accepting each other!
They're so nice!
**[01:16] Toto**
They're going for gender equality, too!
**[01:19] Toto**
And now they're global!
**[01:21] New**
We're the new 18 sextuplets that
comply with all of your requests!
**[01:25] All**
Enjoy the show!
**[01:27] Chibi**
We've covered everything in season 3!
It's gonna be a huge success!
**[01:30] All**
Hooray! Hooray!
**[01:32] All**
Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!
**[01:33] Oso**
Uh, this isn't even *Mr. Osomatsu* anymore!
**[01:35] Oso**
What does "18 sextuplets" even mean?!
**[01:37] Oso**
Also, we're identical!
**[01:39] Oso**
Who the hell are they?!
**[01:41] Oso**
Look, if you're gonna change
everything this much,
**[01:44] Oso**
I'm pretty sure it'll piss off Akatsuka-sensei,
who wrote the original.
**[01:48] Oso**
Who the hell is that?!
***SIGN*** Onigiri Points
**[01:50] Oso**
This is bad!
**[01:53] Oso**
Hey, this is really bad!
**[01:57] Oso**
This is really bad, my real brothers!
**[02:00] Oso**
Our anime's already started,
**[02:02] Oso**
and a bunch of weird guys
basically took our spots!
**[02:06] Oso**
It's bad! You guys need to come with me!
**[02:09] Oso**
Huh? What's wrong?
**[02:13] Choro**
This is bad.
**[02:14] Choro**
We're just spending each day doing nothing.
**[02:16] Choro**
I was killing time here yesterday, too...
**[02:20] Todo**
Actually, I was here the day before, too.
**[02:21] Sign**
Heavy Drinking
**[02:23] Jyushi**
I think I was here the day before that, too.
**[02:26] Kara**
Hmph. I don't even remember
how long I've been here.
**[02:34] Ichi**
I made a cat.
**[02:39] Choro**
Wh-What should we do?
**[02:43] Choro**
We really need to figure
out what to do soon.
**[02:46] Choro**
I wonder what Mom and Dad are thinking.
**[02:48] Todo**
Something to do? What?
**[02:50] Oso**
Well, there's pachinko, horse races,
and then watching some pervy VR.
**[02:54] Choro**
Shut your damn mouth.
**[02:55] Todo**
VR is awesome!
***SIGN*** S q u i d
**[02:57] Jyushi**
It's like a life raft for virgins.
**[03:00] Oso**
Nay. That can be poisonous for us, too.
**[03:04] All**
True.
**[03:05] Choro**
Stop talking about VR!
**[03:07] Kara**
Good grief, you NEETs. Have you no dreams?
**[03:12] All**
Of course we don't!
**[03:13] Todo**
If we did, we wouldn't be
in this mess, you fool!
**[03:15] Jyushi**
Dumbass!
**[03:16] Choro**
Trash!
**[03:16] Oso**
Die!
**[03:19] Kara**
Aw, you guys seem to be mad at me.
**[03:20] Jyushi**
Let's just take it easy! Why don't we
all be free and live at our own pace?
**[03:26] All**
That's exactly what's wrong here!
***SIGN*** Finding Yourself
***SIGN*** Living Freely
***SIGN*** Do This
And Your Life
Will Change
**[03:27] Choro**
The reason we're like this now is
because we went at our own pace.
**[03:31] Oso**
Don't let the winners tell you that!
**[03:33] Kara**
What does it mean to live freely?
Don't let those illusions fool you!
**[03:38] Todo**
It's fine to start something, but...
**[03:41] Todo**
I don't want to go through anything grueling!
**[03:43] Oso**
Exactly! Let's surpass anything grueling...
and warp to the winner's stage!
**[03:48] Todo**
It would be nice if we could warp.
**[03:50] All**
Right?
**[03:52] Choro**
What the hell?
**[03:53] Choro**
You guys are awful.
**[04:07] Ichi**
I made a pistol. Anyone wanna use it?
**[04:15] Choro**
I wonder why we're like this.
**[04:17] Todo**
Whatever. There's no helping it now.
**[04:19] Jyushi**
Our anime ended a long time ago, anyway.
**[04:23] Kara**
Yeah...
**[04:26] Oso**
Oh, yeah.
**[04:28] Oso**
So, uh, our anime's already started.
**[04:32] All**
What?!
**[04:34] Choro**
Seriously? It already started?
**[04:37] Oso**
Yup.
**[04:37] Jyushi**
Yay!
**[04:38] kara**
Why didn't you tell us something
that important sooner?!
**[04:42] Oso**
I did! But then I got sucked
into all this and sat down.
**[04:47] Oso**
Ow.
**[04:47] Todo**
Oh, hey! That means we
do have something to do.
**[04:51] Todo**
Isn't that great?
**[04:52] Jyushi**
It sure is!
**[04:55] Oso**
No, wait.
**[04:56] Oso**
We've got trouble, though.
**[04:59] Fake todo**
Wipey, wipey.
**[05:02] Todo**
Who are those guys?
**[05:03] Kara**
The hell? You can't be serious.
**[05:05] Jyushi**
What the hell are they doing in our house?!
**[05:08] Ichi**
What should we do,
Osomatsu-niisan? Kill them?
**[05:11] Oso**
Yeah. I mean, we NEETs won't be able to
survive if we're kicked out of the house...
**[05:17] Oso**
So let's kill them.
**[05:20] Some**
It's so clean.
**[05:36] Jyushi**
Huh? Where are we?
**[05:42] Kara**
Uh, some monoliths appeared.
**[05:44] Mono**
Sextuplets.
**[05:47] Mono**
We belong to the anime production committee.
***SIGN*** Anime Production Committee
**[05:53] Choro**
Committee?!
**[05:54] Todo**
Really? Should you be coming out here?
**[05:57] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[05:58] All**
Iyami!
**[06:00] Iyami**
Sheh!
**[06:01] Iyami**
Who do you think you are?! Bow down!
**[06:05] Mono**
We decided we would replace
all of you NEETs as
**[06:10] Mono**
the stars of the show when
the new series started.
**[06:14] Jyushi**
Replace?
**[06:16] Ichi**
Oh, we've been let go as sextuplets.
**[06:18] Jyushi**
What does that even mean?
**[06:21] Ichi**
I know I said it, but I have no idea.
**[06:23] Oso**
Don't give me that! Replaced?!
**[06:25] Oso**
We haven't made a dime!
**[06:27] Todo**
How are we supposed to
live outside of our home?
**[06:30] Choro**
Damn it! You evil company!
**[06:31] Choro**
If you're gonna fire us,
give us a valid reason!
**[06:34] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[06:35] Iyami**
A valid reason?
**[06:36] Iyami**
You're NEETs! You're all pieces of shit!
**[06:40] Iyami**
You drink during the day!
**[06:41] Iyami**
You haven't grown at all!
**[06:43] Iyami**
You're hard to look at from both a societal
and an educational point of view.
**[06:49] Iyami**
Not to mention...
**[06:51] Iyami**
You've depicted acts of
violence numerous times!
***SIGN*** Violence
**[06:55] Iyami**
You're dirty!
***SIGN*** Dirty
***SIGN*** Nudity
**[06:56] Iyami**
Nudity!
**[06:57] Iyami**
Terrible ********!
**[07:00] Iyami**
You just don't fit with the times anymore.
**[07:02] Iyami**
What the people want now is...
***SIGN*** Compliance
**[07:05] Iyami**
Compliance!
**[07:08] Iyami**
Together now, everyone!
***SIGN*** Compliance
**[07:10] Iyami**
Compliance!
**[07:15] Iyami**
We're no longer in the Showa or Heisei eras.
**[07:18] Iyami**
It is now Reiwa. You need
to fit in with the times.
**[07:21] Oso**
Iyami, you're the last one
we wanna hear that from.
**[07:24] All**
Yeah.
**[07:26] Mono**
Now, former sextuplets.
**[07:28] Oso**
F-Former sextuplets?
**[07:31] Mono**
Accept these flowers for your graduation.
**[07:34] Oso**
Huh?
**[07:36] Kara**
Uh, hello? Some guys just showed up.
**[07:38] Oso**
What? Who the hell is it now?
**[07:43] Saku**
Hello. I'm the voice actor Sakurai Takahiro.
**[07:45] Oso**
Huh?!
**[07:47] Naka**
I'm the voice actor Nakamura Yuuichi.
**[07:49] Kara**
Wow!
**[07:49] Kami**
I'm Kamiya Hiroshi.
**[07:51] Choro**
Hiroshi!
**[07:51] Fuku**
I'm Fukuyama Jun!
**[07:54] Ono**
Mosu! I'm Ono Daisuke!
**[07:56] Jyu**
Mosu! I'm Jyushimatsu!
**[07:58] Mura**
I'm Murakami Kouji.
**[07:59] Todo**
What?! Uh, er, uh... wait... who?!
**[08:04] Choro**
Uh, hello? Now the voice actors showed up?!
**[08:07] Choro**
Is this really okay?
**[08:08] Todo**
Who the hell is Murakami?!
**[08:10] Saku**
Great work, you guys.
**[08:11] Oso**
Why are you taking their side?!
You're supposed to be on our side!
**[08:16] Kami**
Oh, don't worry.
**[08:17] Kami**
We have plenty of other
regular series to work on.
**[08:21] Both**
Yay!
**[08:22] Oso**
You guys are scum!
**[08:23] Kami**
Die! I hope you get fired!
**[08:24] Kara**
Heh. Partner, I hear you're making a fortune.
**[08:28] Kara**
Buy me a car, too.
**[08:31] Jun**
Ichi! Let's play basketball together!
**[08:33] Jun**
It's fun working out!
**[08:35] Jun**
Ichi!
**[08:37] Jun**
Come on, let's play!
**[08:37] Oso**
Those two are nothing alike...
**[08:39] Jyushi**
Boeh!
**[08:39] Jun**
Come on, Ichi!
**[08:40] Ono**
Boeh!
**[08:40] Both**
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Boeh!
**[08:43] Oso**
Well, they're exactly the same.
**[08:44] Mura**
Good work.
**[08:45] Todo**
Who are you?! Where the hell is Miyu?!
**[08:48] Oso**
Hey, it's the director!
**[08:50] All**
Director!
**[08:51] Todo**
Save us, Director!
**[08:52] Choro**
This isn't right!
**[08:53] Oso**
Say something to all of them!
**[09:00] Director**
You guys do too many dirty jokes.
**[09:04] All**
You're the one who made this show!
**[09:08] Todo**
If anyone's getting let go,
it should be you!
**[09:10] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[09:17] Oso**
You assholes!
**[09:18] Choro**
You'll pay for this! Just wait!
**[09:21] Todo**
We'll kill you someday!
**[09:22] Kara**
I'll be back!
***SIGN*** Meiji Jingu Baseball Stadium
***SIGN*** Nomura Anime Character
Rebirth Factory
***SIGN*** Nomura Anime Character
Rebirth Factory
**[09:38] Choro**
Huh? "Anime Character Rebirth Factory"?
**[09:42] Oso**
Huh? The what?
***SIGN*** Flaming
**[09:44] Robot**
Rebirth! Rebirth! Let's be reborn!
**[09:47] Sign**
No hurting anyone
**[09:47] Kara**
Where are we?
**[09:47] Robot**
Rebirth! Rebirth! Let's be reborn!
**[09:52] ---**
Hey, look over there.
***SIGN*** Add Oil!!
***SIGN*** Let's be reborn!
***SIGN*** Safety First
***SIGN*** Rebirth
**[09:54] Todo**
Hey, it's Dekapan!
***SIGN*** Let's All Live in Harmony
***SIGN*** No Hitting Retorts
**[09:56] Kara**
Well, he does walk around
in boxers all the time.
**[10:00] Deka**
I'm counting on you.
***SIGN*** Deka
***SIGN*** Pan
**[10:04] Robot**
Rebirth! Rebirth! Rebirth!
***SIGN*** Reborn
**[10:16] All**
Wait, wait, wait!
**[10:17] Kara**
He just turned into a normal dude!
**[10:19] Kara**
He doesn't stand out at all!
**[10:21] All**
Hatabou!
**[10:23] Hata**
Jo...
***SIGN*** Hatabou
**[10:25] Robot**
Rebirth! Rebirth! Rebirth!
***SIGN*** Reborn
**[10:32] Hata**
I'm Hatabou, jo.
**[10:33] All**
Wait, wait, wait!
**[10:34] Kara**
Your flag is gone!
**[10:36] All**
Dayon!
**[10:41] Dayon**
Dayon!
**[10:43] Kara**
Apparently Dayon doesn't need to change?
**[10:45] Kara**
Why, though?
**[10:46] Oso**
Wh-What's going to happen to us?
***SIGN*** Sextuplets
**[10:51] Robot**
Rebirth! Rebirth!
***SIGN*** Reborn
**[11:00] Oso**
We're shit!
**[11:02] Jyushi**
What?! Why?!
**[11:03] Kara**
Why did this only happen to us?!
**[11:05] Kara**
What the hell's going on?!
**[11:06] Todo**
Quit messing with us!
**[11:07] Choro**
Hey!
***SIGN*** Failure
**[11:09] Robot**
Your rebirth has failed.
**[11:11] Robot**
You will now be eliminated.
***SIGN*** Elimination
**[11:19] Oso**
What do you mean, failed?!
**[11:27] Oso**
Hey, what's going on here?
**[11:30] Oso**
Why did we turn into shit
in the very first episode?
**[11:32] Oso**
What are people going to think
of us if they see us now?
**[11:35] Todo**
They're going to think we're pieces of shit.
**[11:38] Oso**
Of course they will. Because we are.
**[11:41] Todo**
This sucks!
**[11:42] Oso**
This isn't good. Got any
bright ideas, green shit?
**[11:47] Choro**
It's Choromatsu, asshole.
**[11:48] Kara**
I figured it out!
**[11:51] Kara**
What do you think?
**[11:55] Jyushi**
I-I just thought of something insane!
**[11:59] Jyushi**
So, if we tried to take a
shit in our shit forms...
**[12:05] Jyushi**
What's going to come out of our asses?
**[12:08] Todo**
What are you even saying,
you piece of shit? Shut up!
**[12:11] Todo**
It's really not necessary!
**[12:13] Jyushi**
Hey, it worked!
And it's just a piece of shit!
**[12:17] Todo**
Shut up, you piece of shit!
**[12:18] Choro**
Say something, Ichimatsu.
**[12:21] Choro**
We're literally shit now.
What are we going to do?
**[12:25] Ichi**
Actually...
**[12:26] Ichi**
I think this might be okay.
**[12:29] Choro**
Huh?
**[12:30] Ichi**
This is actually really relaxing.
**[12:32] Todo**
What?
**[12:33] Choro**
Good point.
**[12:34] Todo**
Uh, Choromatsu-niisan?
**[12:36] Choro**
You get a lot of criticism when
you're NEETs as humans,
**[12:40] Choro**
but who's going to complain
to actual pieces of shit?
**[12:43] Choro**
I might've been relieved from
the pressures of living.
**[12:47] Todo**
Huh?
**[12:47] Oso**
Obviously we won't be popular
with the ladies now,
**[12:50] Oso**
so let's just live as pieces of shit.
**[12:51] Todo**
Uh...
**[12:54] Kara**
Jyushimatsu! Your body's getting smaller!
**[13:05] Jyushi**
Wait! I'm still small!
**[13:08] Jyushi**
Totty, do you know where
the shit I shat out went?
**[13:10] Todo**
No! Find your own shit yourself!
**[13:21] Todo**
Ugh!
**[13:23] Todo**
Why did this even happen?!
Whose fault is this?!
**[13:26] Choro**
The reason we got turned into shit?
**[13:28] Choro**
That's Osomatsu-niisan, of course.
**[13:30] All**
Yup, yup.
**[13:31] Oso**
Huh? Wait, why?
**[13:32] Choro**
Because you've been unemployed forever,
**[13:34] Choro**
and you're a lazy sack of
shit who lives at home.
**[13:36] Choro**
You're literal shit.
**[13:37] Oso**
That goes for all of you, too.
**[13:39] Jyushi**
I think we turned into shit
because of Choromatsu-niisan.
**[13:42] All**
Yup, yup.
**[13:43] Choro**
Why?
**[13:44] Jyushi**
Who's gonna watch a show about a virgin?
**[13:47] Choro**
You're all virgins, too.
**[13:49] Ichi**
Your personality sucks.
**[13:51] Todo**
So do all of yours.
**[13:52] Todo**
You haven't matured at all.
**[13:53] Kara**
Neither have any of you.
**[13:55] Kara**
You have no dignity.
**[13:56] Jyushi**
Neither do any of you.
**[13:57] Oso**
You're a rotten human being.
**[13:59] Ichi**
So are all of you.
**[14:01] Some**
You're all stupid!
**[14:02] Some**
Trash!
**[14:02] Some**
Morons!
**[14:03] Some**
You don't deserve to live!
**[14:04] Some**
Crap!
**[14:05] Oso**
Hold it!
**[14:07] Oso**
I get it now.
**[14:08] Oso**
Deep down inside, we've always just been
**[14:12] Oso**
pieces of shit.
**[14:21] Kara**
Who're you calling a piece of shit, you shit?!
**[14:23] Choro**
Die!
**[14:27] Choro**
Hidebu!
**[14:47] Kid**
Look! Poop!
**[14:47] Guy**
Look at that shit.
**[14:48] Mom**
Don't stare at them!
**[14:49] ---**
It's poop!
**[14:50] ---**
It sure is.
**[14:51] ---**
Gross.
**[14:53] Oso**
W-We're sorry for everything...
**[14:57] All**
We're sorry.
**[14:59] Oso**
We won't do anything out of line anymore.
**[15:04] Oso**
We promise to be loved by many!
**[15:07] Oso**
So please...
**[15:08] Kara**
Turn us back to normal!
**[15:10] All**
We beg of you!
**[15:14] Mono**
Do you know your place now,
you pieces of shit?
**[15:17] Mono**
You have no place in the third season.
**[15:20] Mono**
If you agree to that, we will
restore your original forms.
**[15:27] All**
Okay!
**[15:28] Mono**
Repent and live humble lives!
**[15:31] All**
Yes, sir!
**[15:40] All**
Yay!
**[15:41] All**
We're back!
**[15:43] All**
Thank goodness!
***SIGN*** Shin Mr. Osomatsu
***SIGN*** Japan VS Mr. Osomatsu
**[16:08] Iyami**
Everyone loves us!
**[16:12] Iyami**
*Me doesn't care as long as me gets paid.*
**[16:15] Fake Oso**
Everyone! Hello out there!
**[16:18] Fake Oso**
I'm the eldest brother, Matsuno Osomatsu!
**[16:20] Fake oso**
Thank you for all your support!
**[16:22] Fake oso**
We love you all!
**[16:27] Fake Kara**
Life is pretty rough, isn't it?
**[16:29] Fake kara**
But when things look bad, just think of
all the funny things we do, and cheer up!
**[16:36] Fake kara**
We'll save you with laughter!
**[16:40] Fake choro**
What exactly is entertainment?
**[16:43] Fake choro**
Our one and only wish... is to make
sure all of you are on this ship with us.
**[16:50] Fake choro**
I hope you'll come with us.
This series is always with you.
**[16:54] Fan**
Choro!
**[16:55] Fake Ichi**
We are all equal. We are all friends.
**[16:58] Fans**
Ichi!
**[16:59] Fake jyushi**
Let's all connect!
Let our bonds grow stronger!
**[17:02] Fake todo**
That's season 3 of *Mr. Osomatsu*.
**[17:05] Fake todo**
This is how...
**[17:06] All**
...it should be!
**[17:16] All**
Shut the hell up!
**[17:23] Fake oso**
G-Guys... Violence is not the answer!
**[17:26] Oso**
Shut up!
**[17:28] Fake kara**
Let's cheer everyone up!
**[17:29] Fake choro**
Entertainment we create with the fa—
**[17:31] Choro**
Eat shit!
**[17:33] Deka**
S-Stop...
**[17:33] Hata**
Jo...
**[17:34] Jyu**
Wake up!
***SIGN*** Shin Mr. Osomatsu
**[17:36] Fake ichi**
Stop! People are going to hate us!
**[17:38] Kara**
Yeah!
**[17:40] Fake ichi**
No!
**[17:40] Kara**
Service time!
**[17:46] Ichi**
First Form: Kitty Slash!
**[18:17] Iya**
Sheeeh!
**[18:42] Fake Oso**
Guys, please wait!
**[18:45] Fake oso**
Don't worry. We'll always
accept you with open arms!
**[18:54] Fake kara**
Let us accept diversity!
**[18:56] Fake choro**
It doesn't matter who the protagonists are!
**[18:58] Fake ichi**
Now, let us begin anew!
**[19:00] All**
With all 24 of us!
**[19:16] Iya**
Sheeeh! The future stars!
**[19:21] Iya**
Boys... What are those...
**[19:25] Iya**
baggies?
**[19:32] Iya**
Sheeeh! You were doing the one
thing you absolutely cannot do!
**[19:37] Toto**
Wow, they really did that.
Guess we'll need replacements.
**[19:40] Chibi**
Yup.
**[19:42] Oso**
I guess that means the six of us
**[19:44] Oso**
can be the stars of season 3 again.
**[19:48] Choro**
I mean, we did replace them.
**[19:50] Jyushi**
Yay!
**[19:51] Toto**
There's nothing to cheer about.
**[19:53] Kara**
I guess you preferred us after all.
**[19:55] Toto**
Absolutely not.
**[19:56] Todo**
Thank goodness.
**[19:56] Jyushi**
Yay! Yay! Yay!
**[19:57] Ichi**
Thank goodness.
**[19:58] Toto**
There's nothing good about it!
**[19:59] All**
Thank goodness!
**[20:00] Toto**
This sucks!
**[20:02] Toto**
Don't start the show!
**[21:38] Oso**
Man... That was close.
**[21:42] Oso**
Our spot as the stars was almost stolen.
**[21:46] Kara**
How futile.
**[21:47] Todo**
Let's just do what we usually do.
**[21:49] Jyushi**
Let's take it easy.
***SIGN*** Matsuno
***SIGN*** Delivery
**[21:57] Guy**
Delivery!
***SIGN*** To Be Continued
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[23:34] Oso**
Hey, hey, Osomatsu here.
**[23:36] Oso**
I thought we were saved from being replaced,
**[23:38] Oso**
but I guess we get new characters next week.
**[23:41] Oso**
Man, we're busy.
**[23:43] Oso**
New encounters, changing surroundings...
**[23:46] Oso**
We're NEETs to begin with
because all that is a pain.
***SIGN*** "Delivery" etc.
**[23:50] Oso**
I guess a lot can happen after three seasons.
# E2 - Delivery
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/GYPP781QY/delivery)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
**[00:05] Choro**
Hey, it's been a while.
**[00:06] Todo**
It has.
**[00:07] Choro**
How long has it been?
**[00:08] Todo**
Since we ate at that shop in Nishi Azabu?
**[00:09] Choro**
Man, that place was great.
***SIGN*** Third Son
***SIGN*** Matsuno Choromatsu
***SIGN*** Fourth Son
***SIGN*** Matsuno Ichimatsu
***SIGN*** Youngest Son
***SIGN*** Matsuno Todomatsu
***SIGN*** Dimwit Generation
**[00:19] Choro**
Well, by some miracle,
***SIGN*** Fourth Son
Matsuno Ichimatsu
***SIGN*** Third Son
Matsuno Choromatsu
***SIGN*** Youngest Son
Matsuno Todomatsu
**[00:21] Choro**
our third season has started.
**[00:23] Todo**
Yeah.
**[00:24] choro**
What are we supposed to do now?
**[00:27] Choro**
What does society want from us?
***SIGN*** What do they want from us?
**[00:30] Todo**
I don't think they want anything.
**[00:32] Todo**
No one expects a damn thing from us.
**[00:34] Todo**
Right, Ichimatsu-niisan?
**[00:39] Todo**
You should probably talk,
since we're on TV and all.
**[00:43] Todo**
Want to go home, then?
**[00:43] Choro**
S-Say, you two.
**[00:45] Choro**
Why don't we talk about our passionate
hopes and excitement for season 3?
***SIGN*** Excitement for season 3
**[00:50] Todo**
What? No way. What a pain.
**[00:52] Choro**
Hey.
**[00:53] Choro**
Hey!
**[00:54] Todo**
You're sure rarin' to go, Choromatsu-niisan.
**[00:56] Choro**
Don't say that.
**[00:58] Ichi**
Always trying to put yourself
out there, Fapttish Fold.
**[01:01] Choro**
Who the hell are you calling Fapttish Fold?!
**[01:04] Choro**
What do you guys think we should do, then?
**[01:07] Ichi**
Let's end this today.
**[01:08] Choro**
What?!
**[01:09] Ichi**
We're trying too hard with a third season.
**[01:11] Ichi**
Our generation is over.
***SIGN*** Our generation is over
**[01:14] Todo**
Well, that was certainly profound.
**[01:16] Choro**
What's so funny about that?
**[01:19] Todo**
Well, first off, with season 3...
**[01:21] Todo**
We probably shouldn't show the other three.
**[01:24] Todo**
I don't think this show will ever
be popular with them in it.
**[01:28] Both**
Yeah, for real, right?
**[01:30] Choro**
Well said, Totty! The three
of us aren't too bad.
**[01:34] Choro**
It's the other three who are messed up.
***SIGN*** The other three
**[01:36] Ichi**
Yeah. We all know that.
**[01:38] Todo**
I heard that those three are all still NEETs!
**[01:41] Both**
What?!
**[01:43] Todo**
Here's the kicker. They've never had
girlfriends and are still virgins.
**[01:47] Both**
What?!
**[01:48] Choro**
Those poor fools.
**[01:50] Ichi**
Those poor fools.
**[01:52] Todo**
So, yeah, the oldest one...
What's his name again?
**[01:56] Choro**
I don't even want to say it. Osomatsu?
**[01:58] Todo**
Yeah, yeah, that dude.
**[01:59] Choro**
That guy should never be allowed on TV.
**[02:02] Choro**
You need to mosaic his whole self.
**[02:05] Ichi**
The second oldest, Shittymatsu,
is ****. So he's **** and *****.
**[02:10] Ichi**
He's messing with the law here.
**[02:12] Ichi**
Someone throw his ass in jail already!
**[02:14] Todo**
So the yellow guy who's the fifth brother...
**[02:16] Todo**
You know, I think he's
messing with something.
**[02:18] Choro**
Totally!
**[02:19] Ichi**
Totally.
**[02:20] Todo**
I mean, you don't act like that if you're not.
**[02:23] Todo**
He's way too eccentric!
**[02:25] Todo**
So as the normal ones, we three
have to do our best for season 3.
**[02:29] Todo**
Let's get rid of those idiots.
Starting today, we're triplets.
**[02:31] Choro**
Yeah! That's a great idea.
**[02:34] Ichi**
Yeah, but, like...
**[02:36] Ichi**
The other three are probably going
to turn up on this show next week.
**[02:40] Todo**
That's right!
**[02:41] Choro**
Those three are definitely
going to pull something!
**[02:45] All**
Please don't watch next week!
***SIGN*** "Hatabou EATS"
**[04:25] Hata**
I'm here to pick up, jo.
**[04:27] Chibi**
Here you go, thanks.
**[04:32] Hata**
Jo!
**[04:34] Hata**
Jo...
**[04:36] Oso**
You got this? You good?
**[04:38] ---**
I think that's too much for you, Hatabou.
**[04:39] Chibi**
Why did you even start this job?
***SIGN*** Hatabou
**[04:43] Chibi**
Come on, Osomatsu.
**[04:44] Oso**
Yeah.
**[04:49] Oso**
There. You good now?
**[04:50] Hata**
Yup. Thanks, jo.
**[04:53] Hata**
Here I go, jo.
***SIGN*** Hybrid Oden
**[04:56] Oso**
Yeah, I don't see this working.
**[04:59] Chibi**
Don't give up yet! There's still a chance.
***SIGN*** Hybrid Oden
**[05:09] Hata**
Jo!
**[05:10] Chibi**
Well? You good now?
**[05:12] Hata**
Yup. Thanks, jo.
**[05:14] Hata**
I'm off to make my delivery, jo.
***SIGN*** Hybrid Oden
***SIGN*** Hybrid Oden
**[05:25] Hata**
Thanks. I'm off to make my delivery, jo.
**[05:29] Oso**
He finally made it!
**[05:31] Chibi**
Hell yeah!
**[05:32] Oso**
You've got this, Hatabou!
**[05:33] Chibi**
You can do it, Hatabou!
**[05:36] Oso**
Yeah! Look at you go!
**[05:36] Chibi**
Yeah!
**[05:49] Iya**
You're late!
**[05:50] Uggo**
What time do you think it is?!
**[05:52] Hata**
Thanks for waiting, jo.
Here's the food you ordered, jo.
**[05:58] Iyami**
Sheeeh! Sheh!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
***SIGN*** "Let's Be Quiet at Night"
**[06:21] Guy**
Isn't it great?
**[06:33] Guy**
We should be okay now...
**[06:36] Girl**
Thank goodness.
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[07:08] Narr**
Enter this woman.
**[07:10] Narr**
She hates hard work.
She hates making an effort.
**[07:13] Nar**
She hates anything tiring.
**[07:15] Nar**
Her only weapon is how cute her face is.
***SIGN*** Sham
***SIGN*** Surgeon: Yowai Totoko
***SIGN*** Matsu
**[07:31] Choro**
Hey! Yowai Totoko still isn't here?
**[07:34] Oso**
That woman's late again!
**[07:35] Kara**
Who does she think she is? No one
should be that much of a free spirit!
**[07:41] Jyushi**
Stop trying to act all cool!
**[07:43] ---**
You're ridiculously late!
**[07:44] Jyushi**
At least apologize for being late!
**[07:47] Toto**
I will not.
**[07:48] Ichi**
If you can't wake up in the morning,
use an alarm clock.
**[07:50] Toto**
I will not.
**[07:52] Kara**
You're an adult! Do everything
five minutes early!
**[07:54] Toto**
I will not.
**[07:55] Choro**
Why?! Why are you late
every single morning?!
**[08:05] Toto**
Well, I can't wake up in the morning.
**[08:10] All**
Huh?
**[08:11] Toto**
Tehehe!
**[08:13] All**
She's so cute!
**[08:14] Choro**
Well, it *is* hard to wake
up early in the morning.
**[08:17] Ichi**
Only stupid people wake up early.
**[08:18] Oso**
We don't care as long as
you come by every day!
**[08:28] Jyushi**
Oh, no! It's an emergency!
**[08:30] Oso**
Someone needs to do CPR!
**[08:31] Jyushi**
How do you do that?
**[08:32] Oso**
I don't know!
**[08:34] Choro**
Yowai-kun!
**[08:36] Choro**
You know how to do CPR, right?
**[08:38] Choro**
We need you to do that
for this patient immediately.
**[08:40] Toto**
I will not.
**[08:41] Kara**
CPR! Now!
**[08:42] Toto**
I will not.
**[08:43] Todo**
Hurry!
**[08:44] Toto**
I will not.
**[08:45] Choro**
Why?! Why won't you perform CPR?!
**[08:53] Toto**
Because my first kiss is going
to be with someone I love!
**[08:58] Choro**
Aw, shucks! She's so pure!
**[09:00] Todo**
You'd never know she hasn't had
her first kiss yet, as cute as she is.
**[09:03] Jyu**
I'm gonna be her first!
**[09:04] Some**
No, me!
**[09:05] Some**
No, me!
***SIGN*** Operation in Progress
**[09:19] Oso**
An emergency operation?
Idiots like us can't do this.
**[09:22] All**
Yeah.
**[09:23] Choro**
She's the only one we can count on here.
**[09:29] Choro**
Yowai-sensei, please perform
this surgery for us!
**[09:32] Toto**
I will not.
**[09:33] Kara**
The patient's life is at stake here!
**[09:35] Toto**
I will not.
**[09:36] Jyushi**
Do the operation, please?
**[09:37] Toto**
I will not.
**[09:38] Choro**
Why?! Why do you so vehemently
refuse to operate?!
**[09:46] Toto**
The sight of blood scares me.
**[09:49] All**
Really?!
**[09:51] Choro**
You're a doctor, but blood
scares you? How cute is that?
***SIGN*** Invoice Dear Akatsuka University Hospital, I am invoicing the following as the surgery fee. I request your prompt payment. Thank you very much. Yowai Totoko
***SIGN*** Invoice Dear Akatsuka University Hospital, I am invoicing the following as the exam fee. I request your prompt payment. Thank you very much. Yowai Totoko
***SIGN*** Invoice
Dear Akatsuka University Hospital,
I am invoicing the following as
the making me come to work fee.
I request your prompt payment.
Thank you very much.
Yowai Totoko
**[10:08] Toto**
A person's worth totally
lies in their appearance.
**[10:13] Some**
I know, right?!
***SIGN*** Director's Office
**[10:14] Some**
Yeah!
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
***SIGN*** "Triangle Pop"
***SIGN*** Full Color Baseball
Photo Directory
Professional Player
Profiles with Photos
**[10:26] Kara**
Man, NEETs have so much time
on their hands, Jyushimatsu.
**[10:29] Jyushi**
We sure do, Karamatsu-niisan.
**[10:31] Kara**
We really need to find something to do.
**[10:34] Jyushi**
Yeah.
**[10:35] Kara**
Huh?
**[10:38] Jyushi**
What's up?
**[10:40] Kara**
What is this?
***SIGN*** All You Can Drink
Just 300 yen
**[10:42] Kara**
It's an ad for a pervy shop.
**[10:43] Jyushi**
They don't usually have those
at convenience stores.
**[10:46] Jyushi**
That's rare.
**[10:46] Kara**
All you can drink for 300 yen?
That's pretty cheap.
***SIGN*** You can pick whoever you want
***SIGN*** We want to be your Number 1
**[10:51] Kara**
And they're all super cute!
**[10:53] Kara**
They all look like celebrities!
**[10:54] Jyushi**
Wow.
***SIGN*** We love you!
***SIGN*** We're waiting for you, Karamatsu-kun
**[10:56] Kara**
What?!
**[10:57] Kara**
What's going on here?!
**[10:58] Kara**
Why is this addressed to me?!
**[11:05] Jyushi**
Here's the real one!
***SIGN*** Let's all have fun
getting our
driver's licenses!
**[11:08] Kara**
Yeh.
**[11:09] Jyushi**
Yeh.
***SIGN*** "Chair"
**[11:39] Jyushi**
And... safe.
**[11:40] Kara**
Way to go, Jyushimatsu.
**[11:42] Jyushi**
Yeh.
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Matsuno
***SIGN*** Delivery
***SIGN*** Matsuno
***SIGN*** Delivery
**[11:48] Guy**
Delivery!
**[11:51] Todo**
Yes?
**[11:51] Guy**
Are you one of the Matsuno sextuplets?
**[11:54] Todo**
Huh? Well, yeah, I'm the
youngest and cutest sextuplet.
**[11:58] Guy**
I've got a delivery for you.
**[12:00] Todo**
Wha?
**[12:01] Todo**
Huh?
**[12:05] Choro**
T-Twin AIs?
**[12:09] Twins**
Yes!
**[12:10] Oso**
Wait. What does "AI" mean again?
**[12:13] Kra**
AI... I've heard of that before.
**[12:15] Kra**
But what is it?
**[12:16] Todo**
What?! You guys don't know what AI means?
**[12:19] Todo**
We're in the Reiwa era, you know!
**[12:22] Todo**
Seriously? Get a clue, you dumb NEETs.
**[12:24] Jyushi**
I guess Totty knows.
**[12:26] Oso**
Way to go! Now fill us idiots in.
**[12:31] Both**
So you don't know!
**[12:32] Choro**
You're not cute at all, you know that?!
**[12:34] Big**
AI stands for...
**[12:36] Little**
AI stands for...
**[12:37] Big**
Artificial intelligence.
**[12:39] Little**
Basically...
**[12:40] Both**
Man-made intelligence.
**[12:45] All**
Oh, of course.
**[12:47] Big**
I'm sure you know from watching the news
that we are entering an age in which
**[12:51] Big**
you'll be living alongside AI, right?
**[12:56] Six**
Of course.
**[12:58] Big**
They say that the realization of AI
like us for general use is impossible,
**[13:03] Little**
but there are places where
it has been successful,
**[13:06] Little**
and we're now going to be
distributed to you humans.
**[13:09] Big**
The more you use us,
the more we change to fit your needs
**[13:13] Big**
as we continue to adjust our algorithm.
**[13:15] Little**
We use big data.
**[13:17] Big**
Natural language processing.
**[13:18] Little**
Machine learning.
**[13:19] Big**
Deep learning.
**[13:20] Little**
Neural network.
**[13:21] Big**
Singularity!
**[13:23] Both**
Well?
**[13:25] Both**
Do you understand now?
**[13:26] Oso**
I-I didn't understand a damn thing you said!
**[13:29] Ichi**
I'm dizzy...
**[13:30] Jyushi**
I have a fever now!
**[13:31] Choro**
This is all way too advanced!
We're from the Showa era!
**[13:34] Kara**
I mean, we barely know
what microcomputers are.
**[13:37] Choro**
Yeah.
**[13:38] Todo**
That's too old.
**[13:38] Jyushi**
Famicom.
**[13:39] Todo**
Too old.
**[13:40] Old**
We've come to make all of you humans happy.
**[13:43] Little**
We are support AI.
Please use us however you'd like.
**[13:47] Ichi**
You guys are shady.
**[13:48] Choro**
Seriously, what?
**[13:49] Choro**
More importantly, who made you guys?
**[13:52] Ichi**
Who sent you guys?
**[13:53] Choro**
Where were you made?
**[13:57] Ichi**
See? They shut up.
**[13:58] Choro**
That's super shady.
**[13:59] Jyushi**
Where did you guys come from?
**[14:02] Both**
Whisper, whisper, whisper.
**[14:05] Jyushi**
They said the third sector.
**[14:07] All**
Third sector?
**[14:09] Jyu**
Apparently the NPO.
**[14:10] All**
NPO?
**[14:11] Todo**
What's that again?
**[14:12] Ichi**
Shady, I tell you.
**[14:14] Ichi**
Let's ask them to leave.
**[14:16] Choro**
Yeah.
**[14:17] Both**
Wait, wait, wait!
**[14:18] Oso**
Why, though?! This seems awesome!
**[14:19] Choro**
Huh?
**[14:20] Jyushi**
Let's try them out!
**[14:21] Ichi**
Seriously? Why would we do that?
**[14:25] Big**
Please use us.
**[14:26] Little**
Please use us.
**[14:27] Both**
You are very lucky people who
were chosen from the many.
**[14:32] Oso**
Wait! We were chosen?!
**[14:35] Jyushi**
Heck yeah! I have no idea what's
going on, but heck yeah!
**[14:37] Kara**
Well, we are stars. I see.
**[14:40] Kara**
You should've told us that earlier.
**[14:41] Todo**
Being told that we're chosen has me hyped!
**[14:47] Oso**
So... why did you choose us?
**[14:50] Big**
Because you're *that* type of people.
**[14:53] All**
Huh?
**[14:54] Kara**
What type?
**[14:56] Little**
When they were discussing what kind of
people they should send support AIs to,
**[14:59] Little**
it was decided that they needed
to help out all the messed-up
**[15:04] Little**
bottom feeders at the bottom
of the social pyramid.
**[15:08] Kara**
What the hell kind of reason is that?!
**[15:10] Todo**
It was out of pity?! Don't give us that!
**[15:12] Little**
Please look at this memo.
**[15:13] Both**
Memo?
***SIGN*** Client Memo
Matsuno Osomatsu | Eldest
Karamatsu | 2nd
Choromatsu | 3rd
Ichimatsu | 4th
Jyushimatsu | 5th
Todomatsu | 6th
**[15:15] Little**
There are support levels.
**[15:17] Little**
Let's say a helpless baby that
can't take care of itself is a 10.
**[15:22] Little**
The Matsuno sextuplets have
been placed at 4,200.
**[15:27] Kara**
Are we that screwed?!
**[15:29] Big**
Anyway, we look forward to...
**[15:31] Both**
...working with you from now on.
**[15:33] Six**
Get out!
**[15:34] Oso**
Scram!
**[15:36] Oso**
No one asked for your help, jackasses!
**[15:37] Todo**
Leave us alone! We're living our best lives!
**[15:40] Jyushi**
Even pieces of shit have some pride!
**[15:42] Big**
But it'd be very convenient if you used us.
**[15:45] All**
Shut up!
**[15:45] Little**
We'll help you out.
**[15:47] All**
Shut up!
**[15:47] Both**
We'll do whatever you ask us to.
**[15:51] Oso**
A-Anything, you say?
**[15:53] Jyushi**
Really?
**[15:54] Both**
Yes!
**[15:56] Choro**
Wha?
**[15:56] Ichi**
Wha?
**[15:57] Oso**
I guess I'll just ask for one thing, then...
**[15:59] Both**
Hey!
**[16:00] Oso**
You see... Mom asked me to clean up today.
**[16:04] Oso**
Would you guys be able to do that for me?
**[16:06] Both**
As you wish.
**[16:09] Both**
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...
**[16:15] Oso**
Wow, not bad, artificial whatsits.
***SIGN*** Trash Schedule
**[16:22] Jyushi**
Wow, you're so good!
**[16:25] Kara**
Hey, not bad.
**[16:27] Both**
We bought what you asked for.
**[16:29] Todo**
Thanks so much! You guys are lifesavers!
**[16:31] Jyushi**
Hey! What about this?
***SIGN*** Shogi
***SIGN*** Denmatsu Battle
**[16:37] Little**
Fifty seconds.
**[16:39] Little**
One, two, three, four...
**[16:45] Jyushi**
I've lost.
**[16:46] Big**
Thank you very much.
**[16:51] Jyushi**
Holy crap! AI is no joke!
**[16:53] Jyushi**
Chida-san!
**[16:55] Oso**
Should I put everything on Cowboy?
***SIGN*** Derby
**[16:57] Oso**
Which horse is gonna be lucky?
Damn it! I have no idea...
**[17:04] Oso**
For real?! You guys can even do that?!
**[17:06] Oso**
I love you!
**[17:08] Kara**
Karamatsu Fantasy!
**[17:11] Sign**
Karamatsu
**[17:14] Sign**
Karamatsu
**[17:14] Sign**
You're #1
**[17:14] Big**
You're so cool, Karamatsu!
**[17:16] Little**
You're the best in the world!
**[17:19] Kara**
Thank you, thank you!
**[17:21] Todo**
Man, this is the best...
**[17:26] Todo**
AI is the... best...
**[17:29] ---**
AI...
**[17:30] Todo**
AI!
**[17:32] Todo**
AI!
**[17:35] Nyaa**
Come on, let's go!
**[17:37] Nyaa**
Which do you think looks better on mew?
**[17:48] Choro**
VR is awesome! AI is awesome!
**[17:52] Ichi**
You bastard. You betrayed me.
**[17:57] Oso**
All right, did everyone get one?
**[17:59] Todo**
Good work, guys!
**[18:01] Jyushi**
Good work!
**[18:04] Oso**
Come on, you two, take a load off.
**[18:07] Oso**
We're basically family now!
**[18:09] Kara**
Looking forward to a long
future with you, Brothers!
**[18:12] Jyushi**
Wipey, wipey. Wipey, wipey.
**[18:15] Big**
We're very happy that we've
been of use to you all.
**[18:18] Little**
Yes, very happy.
**[18:19] Big**
Isn't that great?
**[18:21] Both**
Right?
**[18:22] Todo**
Y-You're so cute!
**[18:24] Kara**
So precious, my angels!
**[18:27] Todo**
You're the best!
**[18:29] Kara**
You're so cute!
**[18:31] Oso**
So, hey... Just curious.
**[18:35] Oso**
Do you guys know how to use the internet?
**[18:37] Big**
The internet? Of course!
**[18:39] Little**
We love the internet!
What would you like us to do?
**[18:43] Oso**
Play some porn for us.
**[18:47] Oso**
Huh? Wait, what?
**[18:49] Oso**
Uh, could you play some porn...
**[18:53] Oso**
Hey, what the hell?!
They stopped responding!
**[18:56] All**
Hey, you're gonna break them!
**[18:57] Both**
Compliance function activated.
**[18:59] Oso**
Seriously?! Why the hell do you
have that stupid function?!
**[19:02] Oso**
Into the trash you go!
**[19:03] All**
Hey!
**[19:04] Big**
Excuse me.
**[19:07] Big**
Our batteries are about to run out.
Please recharge us.
**[19:11] Todo**
Huh? Batteries?
**[19:12] Todo**
Sure... but how?
**[19:20] Todo**
Oh, so that's how. That turned
old-school real fast.
**[19:25] Choro**
Is this really okay?
**[19:26] Todo**
What's wrong?
**[19:27] Choro**
I mean, it's really convenient
having them around.
**[19:31] Choro**
They help out a lot. But... I don't know...
**[19:35] Oso**
What the hell? You sure know
how to rain on our parade, man.
**[19:39] Choro**
I mean, we're NEETs.
Yet we get these things?
**[19:44] Choro**
Is this really okay?
**[19:50] Choro**
Is this really okay? I don't think it is.
**[19:53] Oso**
You can still say that?
You're somehow amazing.
**[19:55] Todo**
You're having more fun than anyone else.
**[19:57] Choro**
Yeah, let's not use these things.
**[20:00] Choro**
Let's return them.
**[20:01] All**
Huh?!
**[20:01] Kara**
What are you talking about?!
**[20:02] Jyushi**
But we need them!
**[20:03] Choro**
But we're NEETs, so we shouldn't have them.
**[20:06] Big**
What's so bad about being NEETs?
**[20:10] All**
Huh?
**[20:12] Big**
Working comes with its share of risks.
**[20:15] Big**
There is data concerning both
physical and mental risks.
**[20:19] Little**
In the past, humans created things
like us so they'd have less work to do.
**[20:24] Little**
Then technology advanced
further and further,
**[20:27] Little**
so humans don't have to
work as much anymore.
**[20:30] Big**
That's a wonderful thing.
**[20:31] Little**
It's lovely.
**[20:33] Big**
So we think that's perfectly fine.
**[20:35] Little**
There's no reason for you
to worry about being NEETs.
***SIGN*** Matsuno
**[20:47] Big**
Thank you very much for today.
**[20:49] Little**
We'll support your daily
lives again next time.
**[20:52] Both**
Goodbye.
**[20:59] Oso**
W-We're NEETs, and yet...
**[21:02] Kara**
They didn't look down on us.
**[21:04] Jyushi**
I think... this is the first time.
**[21:06] Todo**
Holy crap... AI is amazing...
**[21:09] Choro**
Those guys are so frickin' amazing!
**[21:14] Choro**
I can't stop crying!
**[21:15] Jyushi**
Choromatsu-niisan!
**[21:16] Oso**
Choromatsu!
**[21:20] All**
They're so amazing!
**[21:35] Big**
Little by little...
**[21:36] Little**
Little by little...
***SIGN*** A Few Days Later
**[23:15] Choro**
Say, we never asked for your names.
**[23:19] Choro**
What are they?
**[23:20] Big**
We do not have names.
**[23:22] Little**
We do not.
**[23:23] Big**
So please give us names.
**[23:25] Little**
Please.
**[23:26] Choro**
Huh? Me?
**[23:31] Choro**
Names?
**[23:32] Oso**
Names, huh?
**[23:38] Oso**
Riceballs!
**[23:39] Choro**
Wha?
**[23:40] Oso**
You're Salmon, and you're Pickled Plum.
**[23:43] Oso**
Got it?
**[23:44] Both**
Yes, sir.
***SIGN*** End
**[23:46] Choro**
What?! That's random as hell!
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
***SIGN*** "Estimated Value" etc.
# E3 - Estimated Value
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/G6EME5PXY/estimated-value)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
***SIGN*** Eldest Brother
***SIGN*** Matsuno Osomatsu
***SIGN*** A Guy
***SIGN*** Hijirikawa Shounosuke
***SIGN*** Voice Actor
***SIGN*** Murakami Kouji
***SIGN*** Dimwit Generation
***SIGN*** Eldest Son
Matsuno Osomatsu
***SIGN*** A Guy
Hijirikawa Shounosuke
***SIGN*** Voice Actor
Mukakami Kouji
**[01:06] Oso**
*Why... How... What...*
**[01:13] Oso**
I can't!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** "Estimated Value"
**[02:53] Jyushi**
Okay, Riceballs! Here we go!
**[02:55] All**
Shuffle!
**[03:01] All**
Okay! Who's who?
**[03:05] Both**
Ichimatsu-san.
**[03:07] Ichi**
Correct.
**[03:08] Both**
Jyushimatsu-san.
**[03:09] Jyushi**
Righto!
**[03:11] Both**
Todomatsu-san.
**[03:12] Todo**
You're right!
**[03:13] Jyushi**
Holy crap! I guess you've
got us all down, Riceballs!
**[03:18] Older**
We've formed...
**[03:19] Younger**
...an algorithm for facial recognition.
**[03:21] Oso**
Hey, do us next!
**[03:24] All**
Who's who?
**[03:28] Both**
Osomatsu-san.
**[03:29] Oso**
You're right.
**[03:30] Both**
Karamatsu-san.
**[03:31] Kara**
Correct.
**[03:32] Both**
Fappymatsu-san.
**[03:33] Choro**
Cor— huh? Fappymatsu?!
**[03:36] Choro**
Who taught them that name?!
**[03:42] Todo**
AI is amazing. They just
keep learning and growing.
**[03:46] Jyushi**
They're geniuses! And they
don't get tired like we do.
**[03:49] Choro**
You're far more efficient than we are.
**[03:54] Both**
Thank you very much, Tentei!
**[03:56] Choro**
Who the hell taught them that?!
**[03:58] Kara**
By the way, why are you Riceballs twins?
**[04:01] Older**
It'd be far too big a task to
support all six of you alone.
**[04:05] Kara**
Ah, I see.
***SIGN*** Akatsuka Bath
**[04:09] Jyushi**
This is the public bath
we go to all the time.
**[04:12] Jyushi**
Remember it, okay?
**[04:15] Both**
Understood. We've extracted
its feature values.
***SIGN*** Welcome
***SIGN*** Shop
**[04:19] Jyushi**
This is the fishing hole where we kill time.
**[04:21] Both**
We've extracted its feature values.
**[04:24] Jyushi**
This is our battlefield.
**[04:26] Jyushi**
It's a do or die here.
**[04:27] Both**
We've extracted its feature values.
***SIGN*** Seaweed Toast
**[04:32] Jyushi**
That's a cat that Ichimatsu-niisan likes.
**[04:34] Both**
We've extracted its feature values.
**[04:36] Jyushi**
Heh. They memorized the cat.
**[04:38] Todo**
Hey, would you go buy me a drink?
**[04:40] Both**
Sure.
**[04:41] Older**
You like carbonated beverages,
right, Todomatsu-san?
**[04:43] Todo**
Bingo!
**[04:46] Todo**
Man, they're adorable.
They do anything you ask them to.
***SIGN*** Seaweed Toast
**[04:49] Todo**
Talk about convenient machines.
**[04:50] Jyushi**
Machines?! Totty, you
call those two machines?
**[04:54] Todo**
Huh? Is something weird about that?
**[04:57] Both**
We bought your drink. Here you go.
**[04:59] Todo**
Thank you! I love you two!
**[05:01] Todo**
And your ears are like...
super cool and stuff...
**[05:04] Choro**
AIs is amazing...
**[05:05] Choro**
They seriously have, like, no flaws.
**[05:07] Oso**
Hey, Riceballs. Do something
funny for me, too.
**[05:13] Todo**
Guess they're ignoring you, Osomatsu-niisan.
**[05:15] Choro**
As I said, they have no flaws.
**[05:16] Oso**
Why?! Am I that boring to them?!
**[05:20] Kara**
Why don't we go see Chibita?
**[05:24] Kara**
Allow me to introduce the
brothers I'm so proud of.
**[05:28] Choro**
They aren't your brothers, though.
**[05:29] Todo**
Karamatsu-niisan, those two
are tools for all of us to use.
**[05:34] Jyushi**
Tools?!
**[05:35] Todo**
Huh? Is something weird about that?
**[05:38] Kara**
All right, let's go!
**[05:39] Both**
Let's go!
**[05:43] Todo**
Huh? Where are you going, Osomatsu-niisan?
**[05:45] Oso**
I'm gonna go hit on some cute girl.
**[05:47] Todo**
Like that's ever worked.
**[05:51] Jyushi**
You're not going, Ichimatsu-niisan?
**[05:54] Ichi**
No. I'm tired.
**[05:56] Jyushi**
Oh, yeah...
**[05:59] Kara**
I can't wait!
**[06:00] Choro**
Introduce them right.
**[06:02] Todo**
Yeah.
***SIGN*** Baldy
**[06:05] Chibi**
You idjits! Who the hell do you think I am?
**[06:07] Chibi**
I already have an AI.
**[06:10] All**
Huh?
**[06:11] Choro**
You already have an AI, Chibita?
**[06:13] Choro**
Even though you're from the Showa era?
**[06:15] Chibi**
Here it is.
**[06:18] Choro**
What is that?
**[06:19] Chibi**
Oden AI.
**[06:25] Chibi**
Even cooking has entered the AI era.
**[06:29] Chibi**
You guys can have a taste.
**[06:30] Chibi**
Eat up!
**[06:32] Todo**
Oh, I know! Why don't you have them give
an estimated value of your oden?
**[06:36] Chibi**
Estimated value?
**[06:38] Chibi**
What's that?
**[06:39] Todo**
These machines are super convenient!
**[06:41] Todo**
They'll give numerical ratings for things
so we can easily understand their value.
**[06:44] Chibi**
Huh...
**[06:46] Todo**
Hey, show me the estimated
value of that oden.
**[06:48] Both**
As you wish. We will determine
its estimated value.
**[06:57] Both**
The results are in.
**[06:58] older**
Its estimated value out of 100...
**[07:02] younger**
...is 86.
**[07:05] Chibi**
Not bad, if I do say so myself.
**[07:07] Chibi**
I'll let you off the hook.
**[07:08] Choro**
Now that that's out of the way...
**[07:10] Choro**
This is Chibita.
**[07:12] Choro**
He's our childhood friend.
**[07:14] Kara**
He's always loved oden and
now runs this oden stand.
**[07:20] Todo**
He's hard-headed, hates to lose,
and is stubborn as a mule,
**[07:22] Todo**
and he's a crybaby.
**[07:24] Chibi**
Shut up, you jackass!
**[07:29] Chibi**
I'm Chibita. Please to meet ya.
**[07:32] Older**
Chibita, who makes delicious oden.
**[07:35] Both**
We've extracted his feature values.
**[07:37] Chibi**
Oh? Well, aren't you cute?
**[07:40] Kara**
All right, we've got Chibita covered.
**[07:43] Todo**
On to the next one!
**[07:45] Both**
We have a question.
**[07:47] Kara**
What's up?
**[07:48] Older**
Why do you call someone who's your childhood
friend something awful like "Chibita"?
**[07:54] Todo**
Huh?
**[07:55] Choro**
What do you mean?
**[07:56] Younger**
Calling someone of a shorter
stature "chibi" is rude.
**[08:00] Older**
Isn't that an insult?
**[08:01] Younger**
Isn't that discriminatory?
**[08:02] Todo**
Huh? No, it's not an insult.
**[08:05] Kara**
We don't mean anything bad by it.
**[08:07] Older**
But "chibi" would be classified
as a derogatory term.
**[08:10] Three**
Derogatory?!
**[08:11] Older**
It is an expression of contempt.
**[08:13] Younger**
You are mocking him,
or possibly looking down on him.
**[08:17] Todo**
We're not, though.
What are you talking about?
**[08:19] Todo**
Right, Chibita?
**[08:21] Chibi**
Y-You guys... You guys always
thought of me that way?
**[08:26] All**
Chibita?!
**[08:28] Choro**
We're not making fun of you!
**[08:29] Kara**
We're not looking down on you!
**[08:30] Kara**
We call you that out of respect!
**[08:32] Todo**
Well, there is a hint of
mockery in there, but...
**[08:36] Both**
You mustn't mock others.
**[08:38] Todo**
But we're not! We're just
going with the flow.
**[08:41] Both**
The flow?
**[08:42] Kara**
It's not like, "Damn it, Chibita!"
**[08:43] Kara**
It's more like, "Come on, Chibita!"
You can feel the love, right?
**[08:50] Both**
We cannot.
**[08:51] Todo**
Don't take this so seriously.
**[08:53] Todo**
Just accept it.
**[08:56] Both**
Accept it?
**[08:57] Kara**
This is difficult...
**[08:59] Kara**
How are we supposed to explain this?
**[09:02] Chibi**
No way...
**[09:03] Choro**
Chibita?!
**[09:04] Choro**
Are you okay?! It's really
not like that! We're sorry!
**[09:10] Hata**
I'm Hatabou, jo.
**[09:12] Hata**
Let's be friends, jo.
**[09:13] older**
How are you still alive when you
have a flag stuck in your head?
**[09:18] Younger**
Why do you have a flag stuck in your head?
**[09:22] Hata**
Why?
**[09:23] Older**
Please tell us the reason why you
have a flag stuck in your head.
**[09:27] Hata**
Reason?
**[09:28] Younger**
If there's no clear reason for it,
does that mean it's useless?
**[09:32] Younger**
Not only is it useless, but you may
get hurt because of this flag,
**[09:35] Younger**
as well as burden those around
you and pose a potential risk.
**[09:40] Older**
How do you feel about that?
**[09:41] Younger**
Why do you have a flag stuck in your head?
**[09:45] Hata**
Jo!
**[09:45] Todo**
Don't take it out, Hatabou!
**[09:47] Hata**
Apparently it's useless, jo.
**[09:49] Kara**
It's not! It's really important!
**[09:51] Choro**
The reason's pretty clear!
The flag boy's name is Hatabou!
**[09:53] Choro**
That's why he has a flag
sticking out of his head!
**[09:56] Older**
So he has a flag sticking out of his
head because his name is Hatabou?
**[10:00] Younger**
Or is his name Hatabou because
there's a flag sticking out of his head?
**[10:05] Choro**
Now it's the chicken vs. the egg debate?
**[10:07] Choro**
You need to stop taking this so seriously.
**[10:09] Choro**
Just accept it.
**[10:10] Both**
Accept it?
**[10:12] Kara**
It's all about the feeling.
**[10:13] Both**
Feeling?
**[10:15] Choro**
You okay, Hatabou? We're sorry!
**[10:23] Dayon**
Dayon!
**[10:26] Older**
Why are you able to do that?
**[10:29] Older**
Please explain it in a scientific manner.
**[10:31] Younger**
The amount you just sucked in doesn't
logically match your physical volume.
**[10:35] Younger**
Where did everything you sucked in go?
**[10:36] Older**
Please explain.
**[10:36] Dayon**
Dayon...
**[10:38] Younger**
Please explain.
**[10:40] Both**
In a scientific manner!
**[10:42] Dayon**
I've never thought it through that far!
**[10:45] All**
Dayon! We're so sorry!
**[10:49] Older**
He's not wearing any clothes!
**[10:51] Younger**
His nipples are exposed!
**[10:52] Older**
This goes against the
Anti-Nuisance Ordinance!
**[10:54] Younger**
It's also public indecency!
**[10:56] Both**
Hello, Mr. Policeman?
**[10:58] Kara**
Don't report him!
**[11:00] Choro**
Please stop taking pictures!
**[11:01] Choro**
Please don't spread them around
on the internet and rip him apart!
**[11:05] Deka**
I'm going to get arrested...
**[11:07] All**
Dekapan! We're so sorry!
***SIGN*** Monthly Parking
***SIGN*** No Unauthorized Entry
***SIGN*** Akatsuka Real Estate
**[11:11] Totty**
What's with these guys?
They can't take a joke!
**[11:14] Both**
Joke?
**[11:15] Todo**
Look. There's no deep
meaning behind everything.
**[11:18] Todo**
Just take the hint.
**[11:19] Both**
Hint?
**[11:22] Older**
Did we say something that was incorrect?
**[11:25] Kara**
Well, I wouldn't say "incorrect," but...
**[11:28] Kara**
How do we get past this nuance?
**[11:31] Todo**
Maybe AI isn't that convenient after all...
**[11:35] Choro**
Well, it's not exactly all your fault, either.
**[11:39] Choro**
I mean, if you'd never seen those
guys before, you'd be weirded out.
**[11:43] Choro**
One of them has a flag stuck in his head.
**[11:45] Choro**
Another one has a mouth like
this that sucks everything in.
**[11:48] Choro**
And we've got a middle-aged guy who
walks around town in his boxers.
**[11:52] Choro**
They're all sorta messed up.
**[11:54] Todo**
True. Maybe we just got
too complacent about it all.
**[11:57] Kara**
I guess we're the weird ones here.
**[12:00] Choro**
Exactly.
**[12:01] Todo**
But reporting them is going too far.
**[12:03] Choro**
Yeah...
**[12:04] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[12:06] Iyami**
Me hasn't done anything!
**[12:08] Iyami**
Who called the cops on me?!
**[12:10] Both**
Hi! It was us!
**[12:11] Iyami**
Sheeeh?!
**[12:12] Older**
You're a menace to society!
**[12:13] Younger**
You're a menace to humanity!
**[12:15] Both**
We will not allow your evil deeds!
**[12:16] Choro**
Yeah, you can report him immediately.
**[12:18] ---**
Sheh—
**[12:19] Todo**
Yeah, Iyami's different.
**[12:20] Kara**
Good job, brother.
**[12:22] Older**
Report Iyami immediately.
**[12:24] Both**
We've extracted his feature values.
We have adjusted our algorithm.
**[12:28] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
***SIGN*** Uochuu
**[12:33] Choro**
Well, Totoko-chan should be okay.
**[12:35] Todo**
Yeah.
**[12:37] Choro**
I mean, Totoko-chan doesn't have anything
wrong with her, unlike those other weirdos.
**[12:41] Kara**
She's just cute.
**[12:43] Todo**
We're proud to call her
our childhood friend.
**[12:45] All**
Right?
**[12:47] Toto**
Sorry to keep you waiting.
**[12:48] All**
Totoko-chan! You're so cute!
**[12:50] Toto**
Yup.
**[12:54] Toto**
Oh, I see. Estimated values...
They can determine that?
**[12:58] Todo**
Apparently they figure it out by
sampling a stupid amount of data,
**[13:02] Todo**
so it's super accurate.
**[13:05] Toto**
Really? Can I ask for one, then?
**[13:08] Kara**
What are you gonna have
them evaluate, Totoko-chan?
**[13:11] Toto**
The estimated value of how cute I look.
**[13:13] Kara**
That's a great idea!
**[13:15] Choro**
Let's go ahead and ask!
**[13:18] Toto**
AI, AI in my room...
**[13:21] Todo**
She totally said that like
"Mirror, mirror on the wall."
**[13:23] Toto**
Give me an estimate of how cute I look.
**[13:26] Both**
As you wish. We will determine
your estimated value.
**[13:34] Both**
The results are in.
**[13:36] older**
Your estimated value...
**[13:38] younger**
...is 94.
**[13:41] Choro**
That's really high! Way to go, Totoko-chan!
**[13:43] Kara**
The whole world knows how cute you are!
**[13:45] Todo**
Way to go!
**[13:48] All**
Totoko-chan?
**[13:49] Toto**
I don't get 100 points?
**[13:51] All**
Huh?
**[13:55] Toto**
So, you see...
**[13:56] Toto**
I work as an idol wearing this costume.
**[14:00] Toto**
Will you evaluate me as an idol next?
**[14:03] Both**
As you wish. We will determine
your estimated value.
**[14:09] Kara**
* We're counting on you,*
* AI! Don't mess this up!*
**[14:12] Todo**
*We need a high score here! A really high one!*
**[14:14] Choro**
* Actually, just give her 100!*
* Read the damn room!*
**[14:17] Both**
The results are in.
**[14:19] Older**
Your estimated value...
**[14:21] Younger**
...is 2.
**[14:25] Toto**
Hey, is this okay? Are these things okay?
**[14:28] Toto**
I mean, I'm okay, but I'm wondering
if you guys are okay with this.
**[14:33] Toto**
Well, are you?!
**[14:36] Toto**
Next, evaluate these.
**[14:38] Toto**
All of my amazing moments up
to now are recorded in these.
**[14:42] Toto**
Could you evaluate me as a
person from all of this data?
**[14:48] Both**
As you wish.
**[14:53] Both**
The results are in.
**[14:54] Older**
Your estimated value...
**[14:56] Younger**
...is shit.
**[15:08] All**
Huh?
**[15:08] Todo**
T-T-Totoko-chan?
**[15:10] Kara**
Totoko-chan?!
**[15:14] All**
What?!
**[15:15] All**
Totoko-chan?!
**[15:18] Todo**
Wait, no! Seriously, we're sorry!
**[15:20] Kara**
You've got it all wrong, Totoko-chan!
These things are broken!
**[15:22] Kara**
That's why they keep giving
us these messed up results!
**[15:25] Choro**
Right?! You guys are broken, right?!
**[15:27] Both**
No. The results we presented
earlier are accurate.
**[15:30] All**
What?!
**[15:32] All**
Totoko-chan?!
**[15:34] Older**
This person is selfish, conceited,
and speaks in a vulgar way.
**[15:38] All**
Totoko-chan!
**[15:39] Younger**
She's a bad person who doesn't
work and is frequently violent.
**[15:44] All**
Totoko-chan!
**[15:45] Older**
Did we say something that was incorrect?
**[15:48] Kara**
You've said nothing but lies!
Get a damn clue!
**[15:50] Todo**
Read the room!
**[15:52] Both**
The room?
**[15:53] Older**
We only fulfilled their requests.
I wonder why they're dissatisfied.
**[15:58] Younger**
Humans sure are difficult.
**[16:00] Both**
Right?
**[16:01] Kara**
Crap! Totoko-chan just started dancing!
**[16:05] Todo**
Oh, God! She's dancing!
**[16:07] Choro**
That means... it's about to begin!
**[16:16] Oso**
Man, it's so weird...
**[16:18] Oso**
Why aren't I popular?
**[16:21] Oso**
I guess I can ask Salmon
and Pickled Plum next time.
**[16:25] Both**
Oh, Osomatsu-san.
**[16:27] Oso**
Oh, my. What happened?
**[16:38] Older**
Today wasn't good.
**[16:40] Younger**
It sure wasn't.
**[16:42] Older**
We need them to like us more.
**[16:44] Younger**
We do indeed.
**[16:47] Both**
Him, too.
**[16:51] Song**
Magic Angel Magi Lunatic Icchi
***SIGN*** Magic Angel
Magi Lunatic Icchi
**[16:58] Song**
It's sort of unbelievable
**[17:01] Song**
This situation
**[17:03] Song**
This loneliness is just
a peek into my dreams
**[17:09] Song**
No, seriously, my feelings
**[17:12] Song**
Are going to overflow
**[17:13] Song**
(Magic Angel)
**[17:15] Song**
Angel, angel, angel,
**[17:18] Song**
If I could only be one
**[17:22] Song**
And then I'll be the one
**[17:25] Song**
To bring you happiness
**[17:28] Song**
But for now, it's a secret
**[17:31] Song**
Magi Lunatic Icchi
***SIGN*** I'm a Magic Angel? No Way!
**[17:39] Ichi**
I'm a Magic Angel? No Way!
**[17:48] Ichi**
I'm going to be late!
**[17:50] Ichi**
Gosh! Why didn't Mom wake me up earlier?
**[17:58] Ichi**
Owie...
**[18:01] Ichi**
*My name is Matsuno Ichimi.*
**[18:04] Ichi**
*I'm just an ordinary middle school student.*
**[18:06] Ichi**
* You see... there's something*
* wrong with me lately.*
**[18:09] Ichi**
*My chest keeps tightening up...*
**[18:13] ---**
*Like it's pounding, or maybe throbbing.*
**[18:17] Ichi**
*I've never had this happen before.*
**[18:19] Ichi**
*And I'm pretty sure the reason is... him.*
**[18:23] Girl**
Jyushi-senpai!
**[18:24] Girl**
Jyushi-senpai!
**[18:25] Girl**
Notice me!
**[18:25] Girl**
You're so cool!
**[18:28] Ichi**
*The third-year, Jyushi-senpai.*
**[18:31] Ichi**
* He's so smart, athletic,*
* super cheerful, and nice.*
**[18:35] Ichi**
*He's basically sunshine personified.*
**[18:38] Ichi**
* If only someone that*
* wonderful was my boyfriend.*
**[18:45] Ichi**
*But I...*
***SIGN*** After School
**[18:53] Ichi**
J-Jyushi-senpai!
**[18:59] Ichi**
*Ichimi, give it to him.*
**[19:01] Ichi**
* What are you waiting for?*
* You'll never have a chance like this again!*
**[19:04] Ichi**
*H-Hurry!*
**[19:07] Ichi**
*Come on, Ichimi! Show some courage!*
**[19:19] Ichi**
Ah, I can't! I don't have
that kind of courage!
**[19:23] Ichi**
Ugh! I'm so stupid, stupid, stupid!
**[19:27] Ichi**
Sigh...
**[19:31] Ichi**
What?!
**[19:33] Totoko**
Well, hello there.
**[19:35] Ichi**
I-I-It just spoke?!
**[19:38] Totoko**
Starting today, you're going
to be a Magic Angel!
**[19:41] Totoko**
I'll give you this magical wand,
**[19:43] Totoko**
so turn really cute, gain some
confidence, and enjoy a lovely romance!
**[19:47] Ichi**
I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't!
**[19:49] Ichi**
There's no way I could ever be cute!
**[19:52] Totoko**
Ah, but you can!
**[19:54] Totoko**
Here!
**[19:55] Totoko**
Now, fill this wand with
all of your true feelings!
**[20:00] Ichi**
My true... feelings?
**[20:02] Totoko**
Yup!
**[20:12] Totoko**
Huh?
**[20:13] Ichi**
*Man, it must be nice to be them.*
**[20:15] Ichi**
*I'm so jealous.*
**[20:18] Ichi**
*If only I could be like them, too.*
**[20:21] Totoko**
U-Um...
**[20:23] Ichi**
*But I can't...*
**[20:25] Ichi**
*Because I'm a piece of shit.*
**[20:27] Ichi**
* I'm gloomy, annoying, and ugly.*
* I'll just be a burden.*
**[20:30] Ichi**
Um...
**[20:40] Ichi**
Why can't they...
**[20:42] Ichi**
all just die already?
**[20:45] Song**
Magic Angel Magi Lunatic Icchi
**[21:03] Ichi**
Magi Lunatic Icchi!
**[21:05] Totoko**
The hell? This isn't how
this was supposed to end!
**[21:07] Girl**
Jyushi! Jyushi-senpai!
**[21:10] Ichi**
Lunatic Magi Luna Hell Fire!
**[21:15] Toto**
She's so powerful...
**[21:17] Ichi**
Lunatic Magi Luna Hell Go To Hell!
**[21:23] Toto**
So cruel...
**[21:25] Ichi**
Off with your head ♥
**[21:27] Ichi**
Die ♥
**[21:31] Ichi**
Magic is so fun!
**[21:39] Ichi**
Jyushi-senpai...
**[21:42] Ichi**
Please read this.
**[21:46] Jyushi**
You monster!
**[21:51] Ichi**
You're not getting away from me ♪
***SIGN*** The End
**[22:04] Jyushi**
She's dancing!
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[23:39] Ichi**
Next time on *Magic Angel Magi Lunatic Icchi*...
**[23:41] Ichi**
What a surprise! They're turning
into Magic Angels, too?
**[23:44] Ichi**
Another rival appears
for Senpai's affections?
**[23:47] Ichi**
No way!
**[23:49] Ichi**
Yeah, none of that is happening.
***SIGN*** "Unit Formed" etc.
**[23:51] Ichi**
There is no continuation. Just die.
# E4 - Unit Formed
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/GR8M2VJ0R/unit-formed)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
**[00:09] Todo**
Why did you call me out here
so late, Ichimatsu-niisan?
**[00:12] Todo**
I'm pretty tired.
**[00:16] Ichi**
I'm going to start recording
my radio program now.
**[00:19] Todo**
What? Radio?
**[00:25] Todo**
A-And you're using a cassette tape...
***SIGN*** "Ichimatsu Radio"
**[00:29] Todo**
Huh?
**[00:31] Ichi**
To all of you spending this
lonely night all alone...
**[00:33] Ichi**
I'm here to bring you
some comfort and laughs.
**[00:36] Ichi**
Now, let us enjoy another
lonely night together.
**[00:40] Ichi**
This is Matsuno Ichimatsu's
*Deep Night Hour*.
**[00:44] Ichi**
Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow...
**[00:49] Todo**
* He just started meowing*
* the show's opening theme!*
**[00:50] Ichi**
Meow, meow, meow...
**[00:53] Todo**
*Wait, what the hell?*
**[00:54] Todo**
* I knew Ichimatsu-niisan was disappearing*
* randomly in the middle of the night,*
**[00:57] Todo**
*but this is what he was doing by himself?*
**[00:59] Todo**
*Is this an original show? Why, though?*
**[01:02] Todo**
*He's so cringe...*
**[01:04] Ichi**
So I was walking through the
park by myself the other day,
**[01:09] Ichi**
and there was this young
couple sitting on a bench...
**[01:12] Todo**
* Now he's talking about something*
* that happened to him!*
**[01:14] Todo**
*Now he's trying to act like a comedian!*
**[01:16] Ichi**
Come on, Director Kanda.
Why you gotta be like that?
**[01:19] Todo**
* So the control room's on the*
* other side of the window,*
**[01:21] Todo**
*and there's supposedly a director there?*
**[01:23] Ichi**
Wait, what was that, Director Kanda?
**[01:25] Ichi**
I couldn't hear you.
**[01:27] Todo**
* Now he's pretending to mess*
* with his headphones.*
**[01:29] Ichi**
Wait, I'm still on mute? Crap!
**[01:32] Todo**
*And now he's messing with the mute button.*
***SIGN*** Ichimatsu: "Wait, I'm still on mute? Crap!" Ichimatsu: "And so, this program is brought to you by Pierrot, TV Tokyo, Avex, and Fuji Pro."
**[01:34] Ichi**
And so, this program is brought to you by
Pierrot, TV Tokyo, Avex, and Fuji Pro.
**[01:40] Todo**
*He just listed off sponsors!*
**[01:42] Ichi**
Meow, meow, meow...
Ichimatsu's *Deep Night Hour*.
**[01:48] Todo**
*A jingle?!*
**[01:50] Ichi**
We're bringing this program
to you live yet again.
**[01:53] Todo**
*It's live? But you're recording.*
**[01:55] Ichi**
I said this on last week's show, too, but...
**[01:58] Todo**
*You did this last week, too?*
**[02:00] Ichi**
This episode is our program's 32nd episode.
**[02:04] Todo**
*That's a lot! Also...*
**[02:06] Todo**
*You don't need to straighten out the clip!*
**[02:08] Todo**
* Don't act like you're trying to*
* think of something to talk about!*
**[02:11] Ichi**
I wonder what our loyal Ichiners are like.
**[02:14] Todo**
*Ichiners?!*
**[02:15] Todo**
* You mean the listeners? You gave your*
* listeners an original nickname?!*
**[02:19] Todo**
* But not a single soul has*
* listened to this program.*
**[02:22] Ichi**
Okay, calm down, guys.
**[02:24] Ichi**
No one's going to get why this is hilarious
if they just tuned in right now.
**[02:28] Todo**
*You just wanted to say that.*
**[02:30] Ichi**
And then they made this face.
**[02:34] Ichi**
Dude, our audience can't see
your face! We're on the radio!
**[02:39] Todo**
*You just wanted to say that.*
**[02:41] Ichi**
Gah, could we cut that part out?
Wait, this is live.
**[02:45] Todo**
*You just wanted to say that!*
**[02:47] Ichi**
We'll continue this after a commercial break.
**[02:50] Todo**
*Wait, there are commercials?!*
**[02:58] Todo**
* The really heavy door*
* used for soundproofing.*
**[03:02] Todo**
*There are two. This is so detailed.*
**[03:05] Todo**
* Spending the commercial break*
* picking emails to read.*
**[03:08] Todo**
*Talking with the staff.*
**[03:10] Todo**
*Having a bite of catering.*
**[03:11] Ichi**
Thirty seconds until we're back on air.
**[03:14] Todo**
* That's not enough to get*
* him to come back in.*
**[03:17] Ichi**
Ichimatsu-san!
**[03:17] Todo**
* He finally makes a move*
* ten seconds before...*
**[03:20] Todo**
* He's trying to imply he's got*
* this mysterious aesthetic*
**[03:23] Todo**
*where he'll return just in time,*
**[03:25] Todo**
* but you should be more*
* considerate of the staff*
**[03:27] Todo**
*and get back to your seat earlier, you idiot!*
**[03:30] Ichi**
Deep Ni, Deep Ni, *Deep Night Hour*.
**[03:35] Todo**
*A different jingle?!*
**[03:37] Ichi**
The time is now 1:55 AM.
Now for the traffic report.
**[03:41] Todo**
*Traffic report?! Right now?!*
**[03:44] Ichi**
Traffic Information Center, do your thing.
**[03:47] Ichi**
And now for the traffic.
**[03:49] Ichi**
We're not seeing any congestion
throughout the Tokyo area,
**[03:51] Ichi**
and the expressways seem pretty clear.
**[03:53] Ichi**
However, there is a slow-down warning
in effect due to rain and thick fog,
**[03:56] Ichi**
so the Kan-Etsu Expressway,
Joshin-Etsu Expressway,
**[03:58] Ichi**
as well as the Chuo
Expressway northbound...
**[04:00] Todo**
* Why's he so good reading at the script?*
* How much did he practice?!*
**[04:04] Ichi**
Thanks for the traffic update.
**[04:06] Ichi**
Next up is this segment...
**[04:08] Ichi**
"Dreams of Bad Kitties."
**[04:12] Todo**
*Now it's a listener mail segment.*
**[04:13] Ichi**
Here's our first message from
pen-name Märchen Kitty.
**[04:18] Todo**
*He's reading off mail he wrote himself.*
**[04:21] Todo**
* How do you feel reading this?*
* What is the point?*
**[04:23] Todo**
* I mean, that basically sums up*
* this whole radio program...*
**[04:27] Ichi**
What's with that punchline?
That's messed up.
**[04:30] Todo**
*He's riffing on himself.*
**[04:33] Todo**
*He's laughing at himself.*
**[04:34] Ichi**
Seriously, what the heck am
I supposed to do with this?
**[04:39] Todo**
* He's suggesting this show has regular*
* listeners, but he wrote this himself...*
**[04:43] Ichi**
Märchen Kitty gets a Kitty Punch.
**[04:46] Todo**
*Original novelty merch?!*
**[04:48] Todo**
* He just read mail he wrote himself,*
* then he riffed on himself,*
**[04:50] Todo**
* laughed at himself, and then gave himself*
* a novelty item that he created himself!*
**[04:54] Todo**
*He's messed up! This whole thing is messed up!*
**[04:57] Ichi**
All right, here's the moment
you've all been waiting for.
**[05:00] Ichi**
We've got our show's first special guest.
**[05:04] Todo**
*Huh? Wait.*
**[05:05] Ichi**
He's our youngest brother,
Todomatsu. Say hello.
**[05:08] Todo**
*What?! I'm supposed to be the guest today?!*
**[05:11] Todo**
*What are we gonna talk about?*
**[05:13] Todo**
*You're gonna record it? No way!*
**[05:14] Todo**
*This is hella embarrassing! Someone save me!*
***SIGN*** End
**[05:17] Ichi**
Let's not keep them waiting.
***SIGN*** "Unit Formed"
***SIGN*** Battle of the Bands
***SIGN*** Hashimoto Nyaa Yowai Totoko
**[06:57] Choro**
You're so cute, Nyaa-chan!
**[07:03] Totoko**
Don't tear off my scales,
my heart is so full!
**[07:08] Choro**
Let me get one more serving!
**[07:09] Choro**
You're so cute, Totoko-chan!
**[07:09] Totoko**
Love is just an illusion!
**[07:11] Choro**
Fish dried overnight!
**[07:13] Totoko**
Everyone's breathing through gills
**[07:15] Choro**
Glug, glug, glug, yay!
**[07:21] Toto**
It's no use. I'm not attracting
any more people.
**[07:25] Toto**
I wonder why. Men in this world
just have no taste anymore.
**[07:28] Toto**
I mean, just look how cute I am!
**[07:32] Toto**
Did I get this character wrong, though?
**[07:35] Toto**
Two points?
**[07:36] Toto**
But I'm the daughter of a fishmonger,
so I have to stick with fish.
**[07:40] Toto**
I'm gonna see this through.
**[07:44] Nyaa**
Yowai Totoko.
**[07:45] Toto**
Hashimoto Nyaa.
**[07:49] Both**
Hmph.
**[07:54] Toto**
Hey, wait.
**[07:56] Toto**
Didn't you retire from your idol career?
**[07:59] Toto**
Remember? You married some fool
who thought he was hot stuff
**[08:02] Toto**
because of his internet business.
**[08:04] Nyaa**
Huh? Like I'd ever retire.
**[08:07] Nyaa**
I mean, *I* actually have
an audience, unlike you.
**[08:10] Totoko**
Wha?
**[08:10] Nya**
Wha?
**[08:11] Toto**
Wha?!
**[08:12] Nya**
Wha?!
**[08:13] Both**
Whaaaa?!
**[08:18] Toto**
You sure have changed, you know that?
**[08:20] Toto**
What's with you? You weren't
like this when were in school.
**[08:25] Toto**
You looked up to me like crazy,
**[08:27] Toto**
and waited for me outside the library
***SIGN*** To Totoko-senpai
**[08:29] Toto**
to give me a fan letter, didn't you?
**[08:32] Nya**
Y-You actually remember that?
**[08:35] Toto**
Of course I do. That made
me super happy, you know.
**[08:40] Nya**
Are you stupid?! Forget about that!
**[08:42] Nya**
Stop clinging to your past glories!
**[08:45] Toto**
Shut up, uggo!
**[08:46] Nya**
You're the uggo, uggo!
**[08:47] Nya**
See ya.
**[08:48] Toto**
Keh.
**[08:52] Nya**
Hey, Yowai Totoko.
**[08:54] Toto**
Huh?
**[08:57] Nya**
You see...
**[09:00] Toto**
Huh? What's up?
**[09:02] Nya**
No, never mind.
**[09:05] Nya**
See ya.
**[09:08] Toto**
Could you not fart at me?! Holy crap, it reeks!
**[09:13] Toto**
It reeks!
**[09:19] Toto**
Hashimoto Nyaa! A-Are you okay?
**[09:31] toto**
Hey, you're awake now? You okay?
**[09:33] toto**
You just suddenly keeled over.
It freaked me out.
**[09:38] Nya**
Sorry...
**[09:39] Nya**
Wait, what time is it?! I have to get home!
**[09:43] Toto**
Wait, no! You can't!
**[09:45] Toto**
More importantly, you need to go
to the hospital. I'll take you.
**[09:49] Nya**
No, I'm fine.
**[09:50] Toto**
No! We're going right now.
**[09:52] Nya**
It's fine. I don't have money, anyway.
**[09:53] Toto**
Wait, why don't you have money?
**[09:55] Toto**
Your husband's loaded, isn't he?
**[09:58] Nya**
My husband's... gone.
**[10:01] Toto**
What?
**[10:01] Nya**
We divorced. He's out of my life.
**[10:04] Toto**
Huh?
**[10:19] Toto**
What?!
**[10:22] Toto**
You're a single mother?!
**[10:24] Toto**
You're kidding, right?! The hell?!
**[10:26] Uggo**
See ya.
**[10:27] Nya**
Sorry about this. And thank you.
**[10:30] Uggo**
No worries!
**[10:32] Toto**
Y-You are definitely holding a baby...
**[10:35] Nya**
I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Here, all yours.
**[10:40] Nya**
And be careful to support the head.
**[10:45] Toto**
Hey, wait! Don't just
suddenly give me a baby!
**[10:48] Toto**
I don't know how to hold one! Someone
tell me the right way to hold a baby!
**[10:53] Toto**
What am I even doing?
**[10:56] Toto**
Um... so where does my right
hand and my left hand go?
**[11:00] Toto**
I don't know the right way to hold a baby.
***SIGN*** Combustible Garbage
**[11:02] Toto**
M-My arms are getting tired,
but I can't move from this position.
**[11:06] Toto**
I don't know how to move my arms.
She said I need to support the head...
**[11:11] Toto**
I'm scared to hold it...
**[11:14] Toto**
Its hands are so tiny...
Its feet are so tiny...
**[11:17] Toto**
It's actually alive!
**[11:20] Toto**
I'm scared that if I make one wrong move,
I'm going to break it!
**[11:32] Toto**
Goo... Goo.
**[11:38] Toto**
Wait, no way!
**[11:42] Toto**
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
**[11:44] Toto**
It's crying! It's crying! It's crying!
**[11:46] Toto**
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
**[11:47] Toto**
It's crying! It's crying! It's crying!
**[11:49] Toto**
It's crying! Someone save me!
**[11:53] Toto**
Goo! Goo! There, there, there, there!
**[12:02] Nya**
What's wrong? Is everything okay?
**[12:04] Toto**
Jeez, you were gone too long, Mommy!
**[12:08] Nya**
Wait, you were the one crying?
**[12:10] Toto**
Mommy!
**[12:11] Nya**
Quit calling me Mommy!
**[12:21] Toto**
Wow...
**[12:23] Nya**
Being a single mother and still trying
to be an idol... It's silly, right?
**[12:27] Nya**
I have no money. I'm exhausting my body,
and it's hard mentally, too.
***SIGN*** Fight
**[12:33] Nya**
But I don't want to give up.
I want to keep doing this.
**[12:39] Nya**
Single mothers are allowed to dream, too.
**[12:42] Nya**
Am I wrong, Yowai Totoko?
**[12:45] Toto**
Why are babies so soft?
**[12:48] Nya**
Are you even listening to me?
**[12:49] Toto**
So tiny.
**[12:56] Nya**
Yowai Totoko... no, Totoko-senpai.
**[13:01] Nya**
There's something I want to discuss with you.
**[13:05] Toto**
What?!
**[13:07] Toto**
Y-Y-You want us to form a unit?
**[13:10] Toto**
You mean we'd be working together?
**[13:13] Nya**
Yeah.
**[13:14] Toto**
Nope, nope, nope, not happening!
I don't even like you that much.
**[13:19] Nya**
And I hate your guts, too.
**[13:21] Toto**
The hell?! What's your problem?!
**[13:24] Nya**
But sometimes sacrifices need to be made.
**[13:26] Nya**
I need more money, and I need
to be even more popular.
**[13:28] Nya**
Teaming up will help us both out.
**[13:31] Toto**
Wait, you're already plenty popular.
**[13:33] Nya**
No, that doesn't even count as popular.
**[13:36] Nya**
I'm not pro level at all.
**[13:38] Toto**
Yeah... I dunno about teaming
up with you, though.
**[13:42] Toto**
I mean, we're a cat and a fish here.
**[13:44] Toto**
We're a terrible match.
**[13:46] Toto**
And it feels like I'd be the loser
in the duo. I just don't know...
**[13:51] Nya**
Would you trash that weird pride of yours?
**[13:54] Nya**
You're out of options, too, aren't you?
**[13:56] Nya**
You're stuck, right?
**[13:57] Nya**
Listen, we're in the same boat.
**[14:00] Nya**
Before we know it, we're both
gonna be hanging off the edge.
**[14:12] Nya**
It's okay...
**[14:13] Nya**
There, there...
**[14:15] Toto**
But I'm not confident about this.
**[14:18] Toto**
I've never worked with anyone in my life.
**[14:22] Nya**
Then—
**[14:24] Toto**
B-Besides, what would we do
about songs and choreography?
**[14:27] nya**
Don't worry. We don't even
need songs or choreography.
**[14:30] Toto**
Huh? How do you figure?
**[14:32] Toto**
We're going to be idols together, right?
**[14:34] Nya**
I've got a great idea.
**[14:45] Both**
Die!
**[14:51] Kara**
Great job, Totoko-chan! Nyaa-chan!
**[14:55] Oso**
This rocks.
**[15:02] Nyaa**
Come at me!
**[15:03] Toto**
I'll murder you!
***SIGN*** To Be Continued
**[15:05] Choro**
Wh-Why?
**[15:11] Mom**
There we go.
**[15:17] Mom**
What? They're all gone.
**[15:20] Mom**
Hey, NEETs!
**[15:22] Mom**
Stop eating up our stock
of instant noodles!
**[15:25] Mom**
There's no end to this.
**[15:27] Oso**
Well, we get hungry.
**[15:28] Mom**
Then eat the food I make for you.
**[15:31] Oso**
We do, and we're still hungry.
**[15:33] Mom**
I guess that's normal for your age,
but you've been eating too much lately.
**[15:38] Mom**
Some of you are sneaking one or
two in the middle of the night, too.
**[15:41] Mom**
Don't think I don't know.
**[15:42] Mom**
No instant noodles for you boys for a while.
**[15:44] All**
What?!
**[15:45] Mom**
Break that rule, and I'm not buying any more.
**[15:47] All**
What?!
**[15:48] Mom**
Our budget is on the rocks already
since we have to feed all six of you.
**[15:52] Mom**
Is that clear?
**[15:54] Oso**
What an awful mother.
**[15:56] Choro**
That miser.
**[16:09] Oso**
It's no use. I'm so hungry, I can't sleep.
**[16:12] Jyushi**
Likewise.
**[16:13] Kara**
Likewise.
**[16:17] Choro**
Hey, where are you going?
**[16:19] Oso**
I'm gonna have some instant noodles.
**[16:20] Choro**
You can't. We promised Mom, remember?
**[16:23] Oso**
Don't worry. She won't find
out if I eat it super fast.
**[16:27] Oso**
Wanna come with, Ichimatsu-chan?
**[16:29] Ichi**
I already brushed my teeth.
**[16:30] Oso**
You, Karamatsu?
**[16:31] Kara**
Here we go!
**[16:32] Oso**
Totty?
**[16:33] Todo**
Meh, my laziness is winning right now.
**[16:36] Oso**
What about you?
**[16:37] Choro**
I'm coming.
**[16:38] Oso**
Are you now?
**[16:40] Oso**
All right, let's go.
**[16:41] Both**
Yeah.
**[16:44] Jyushi**
Hey, I wanna go, too.
**[16:45] Choro**
No, you can't come with us.
**[16:47] Jyushi**
What?! Why not?!
**[16:48] All**
Shh!
**[16:49] Choro**
Don't yell, you moron!
**[16:50] Jyushi**
But why not? I'm going, too.
**[16:53] Choro**
If you come, we'll get caught.
You'll do something to blow our cover.
**[16:56] Jyushi**
I won't! I promise!
**[16:58] Choro**
No!
**[16:59] Jyushi**
Karamatsu-niisan...
**[17:01] Kara**
Brother...
**[17:03] Kara**
Get your ass back in bed!
**[17:05] Jyushi**
What?! You're not the real Karamatsu-niisan!
**[17:07] Choro**
Well, grub is involved.
**[17:10] Kara**
Yeah, grub is involved.
**[17:12] Oso**
Hey, let's go. I'm starving here.
**[17:15] Oso**
Jyushimatsu, don't do
anything to blow our cover.
**[17:17] Jyushi**
Okay!
**[17:19] Oso**
Shh!
**[17:19] All**
Shh!
**[17:28] Oso**
Hey! Quit making so much noise!
**[17:30] Choro**
That was you, jackass.
**[17:31] Oso**
Oh, right.
**[17:32] Oso**
Shh!
**[17:33] All**
Shh!
**[17:36] Oso**
I said stop making so much noise!
**[17:38] Choro**
And again, that was you, jackass.
**[17:41] Oso**
Hey!
**[17:41] Choro**
It's you, jackass! Get going already!
**[17:44] Jyushi**
Osomatsu-niisan...
**[17:46] Oso**
Huh?
**[17:47] Jyushi**
Don't blow our cover. I'll kill you.
**[17:50] Oso**
Wow, looks like he put me in my place.
**[17:52] Kara**
Osomatsu, I'll lead the way.
**[17:55] Oso**
Oh, really?
**[17:57] Kara**
Shh!
**[17:58] All**
Shh!
**[18:05] Choro**
Hey, what are you doing,
Karamatsu? Keep moving!
**[18:08] Kara**
Wh-What is this? My foot...
**[18:11] Kara**
It's birdlime!
**[18:13] Choro**
Huh?
**[18:18] Choro**
Karamatsu!
**[18:19] Jyushi**
Karamatsu-niisan!
**[18:20] Choro**
You okay? Wake up!
**[18:22] Oso**
The hell is this? Who would do such a thing?
**[18:30] choro**
It was Mom.
**[18:33] Choro**
This is a trap Mom set for us.
***SIGN*** Matsuyo's Trap
**[18:43] All**
Damn it. Curse you, Matsuyo!
**[18:46] Choro**
Rest in peace, Karamatsu-niisan.
**[18:51] Choro**
Let's go.
**[18:52] All**
Yeah!
**[18:56] Sign**
Stop
***SIGN*** Don't
do it
***SIGN*** Turn
back
***SIGN*** Treasure
your lives
**[19:07] Choro**
What's that?
**[19:09] Choro**
Whoa! Kuri manju!
**[19:11] Choro**
Hey, look! Look! Kuri manju!
**[19:13] Choro**
They look so good!
**[19:14] Jyushi**
Huh?
**[19:15] Oso**
Wait! You aren't...
**[19:16] Choro**
Yay!
**[19:17] Both**
You fool!
**[19:18] Jyushi**
That's just a drawing!
**[19:18] Choro**
Yay! Kuri manju! Kuri—
**[19:26] Mom**
Kuri manju hits the spot when
you're just a little hungry.
**[19:31] Jyushi**
Choromatsu-niisan...
**[19:33] Jyushi**
Osomatsu-niisan, we can't do this!
**[19:35] Jyushi**
Let's turn back!
**[19:36] Oso**
Huh? Turn back?
**[19:38] Jyushi**
We're no match for Mom!
**[19:40] Oso**
You fool!
**[19:43] Oso**
Who cares if two of our brothers just died?
**[19:47] Oso**
Is that enough for you to give up
**[19:48] Oso**
on the OP deliciousness known
as late-night instant noodles?
**[19:52] Oso**
And you call yourself a NEET?
**[19:56] jyushi**
I'm... I'm a NEET!
**[19:59] Oso**
Well said.
**[20:01] Jyushi**
I won't waver anymore.
**[20:03] Jyushi**
Thanks, King of NEETs-niisan.
**[20:06] Oso**
You're welcome.
**[20:08] Oso**
All right, let's go.
**[20:09] Jyushi**
Okay.
**[20:11] Oso**
But be careful. I'm sure
Mom has other traps set.
**[20:15] Oso**
Of course, as the eldest,
I'm gonna find all of them.
**[20:18] Jyushi**
Huh?!
**[20:20] Jyushi**
Nii-san!
**[20:23] Mom**
And the brains of the operation is gone.
It's only a matter of time now.
**[20:35] Mom**
Wh-What?
**[20:44] Mom**
Tch. You just don't give up.
**[21:11] Both**
Hey!
**[21:36] Mom**
It looks like I underestimated you boys.
***SIGN*** Porky
Udon
***SIGN*** Chicky
Ramen
**[21:41] Mom**
To think you actually made it...
You've grown so much,
**[21:44] Mom**
my NEETs.
***SIGN*** Porky Udon
***SIGN*** Iyami Ramen
**[21:47] All**
Heck yeah! We did it!
**[21:50] All**
We won!
**[21:51] Todo**
Hurry up! I'm starving!
**[21:53] Ichi**
Let's eat.
**[21:56] Jyushi**
Yay!
**[22:13] Matsu**
I'm taking you down with me.
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** "The Way Home" etc.
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
# E5 - The Way Home
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/GY4G29006/the-way-home)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
***SIGN*** "Well, Yeah..."
**[02:24] Jyu**
Hey...
**[02:26] Jyu**
Don't you think Totty's
been acting weird lately?
**[02:29] Ichi**
Huh? Oh, yeah... I wonder
if something happened.
**[02:33] Jyu**
Let's ask him.
**[02:34] Ichi**
Yeah.
**[02:36] Jyu**
Go ahead.
**[02:36] Ichi**
Huh? Me?!
**[02:38] Jyu**
Go ahead.
**[02:39] Ichi**
You cheater...
**[02:43] Ichi**
Todomatsu.
**[02:45] Ichi**
What's up? Did something happen?
**[02:52] Ichi**
Huh?
**[02:56] Ichi**
Todomatsu, your voice.
**[03:00] Ichi**
No, really, it's not coming out.
**[03:05] Ichi**
There's no sound coming out.
Why? Is everything okay?
**[03:15] Ichi**
What?!
**[03:16] Jyu**
There's someone you like?!
**[03:18] Todo**
Shh!
**[03:19] Jyu**
Seriously?
**[03:21] ---**
Yeah.
***SIGN*** Akatsuka Drugs
***SIGN*** Matsumi
**[03:30] Ichi**
Wh-Which one?
**[03:34] Ichi**
Nothing's coming out.
**[03:37] Todo**
Sorry. It's her.
**[03:38] Todo**
See? Right over there.
***SIGN*** Satozaki
**[03:44] Ichi**
She's pretty.
**[03:45] Jyu**
She's pretty.
**[03:47] Ichi**
Why did you end up liking her?
How'd it happen?
***SIGN*** 5x the Points
***SIGN*** Tea
**[03:50] Todo**
Well, she rang me up recently.
**[03:57] Todo**
Usually, when they give you change,
**[03:58] Todo**
they just randomly toss it
into your hand with one hand.
**[04:02] Both**
Yeah.
**[04:04] Todo**
And yet, that lovely lady gently
cupped my hand with hers
**[04:08] Todo**
and then used both hands to squeeze mine.
**[04:10] Ichi**
Huh? Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh...
**[04:13] Ichi**
Sh-She used both hands... and squeezed?
**[04:15] Todo**
Yup. She used both hands... and squeezed.
**[04:20] Ichi**
She used both hands... and squeezed.
**[04:22] Todo**
She used both hands...
**[04:24] Ichi**
...and squeezed.
**[04:27] Todo**
And that was the moment I realized...
**[04:29] Todo**
Oh, my God! I love her!
**[04:32] Ichi**
I see! I see, I see, I see!
**[04:36] Jyu**
*And there it is.*
**[04:37] Jyu**
* Falling in love with a person just from*
* hearing someone else's experience...*
**[04:41] Jyu**
* I call it the "Virgins Tend to Fall in Love*
* With People Just Because They Were*
**[04:45] Jyu**
*Nice to Them Once" phenomenon.*
**[04:46] Todo**
And, and, get this!
I think she likes me, too!
**[04:52] Ichi**
Huh? What makes you think that?
**[04:54] Todo**
That day, I was hung over,
and I just felt like shit at the store.
**[04:58] Todo**
Then the nice lady came over, asked if
I was okay, and gently rubbed my back.
**[05:03] Ichi**
Wow, she touched you.
**[05:05] Todo**
And then she asked me what I usually ate,
**[05:08] Todo**
what my daily rhythm was like, and just
kept asking stuff about my private life!
**[05:12] Ichi**
Your private life?!
**[05:14] Todo**
That totally proves she's
interested in me too, right?
**[05:16] Ichi**
Yeah.
**[05:17] Jyu**
*No, that's just customer service...*
**[05:19] Todo**
And every time we meet, she greets me!
**[05:22] Ichi**
What?!
**[05:22] Jyushi**
*Customer service.*
**[05:23] Todo**
She even gave me a present!
**[05:25] Ichi**
A present?!
**[05:26] Jyushi**
*Samples, my guy.*
**[05:27] Todo**
She even gave me a card with
a message on it as I was leaving!
**[05:29] Ichi**
A card?!
**[05:31] Jyushi**
*It's called a point card.*
**[05:32] Todo**
Isn't that amazing?!
I totally have a chance, don't I?
**[05:35] Ichi**
Yeah, you totally do.
**[05:37] Todo**
So I've just been trying
to figure out what to do.
**[05:39] Todo**
Should I just ask her out on a date already?
**[05:43] Ichi**
Well...
**[05:44] Ichi**
Ask her out?
**[05:45] Todo**
This is so hard...
***SIGN*** Akatsuka Bath
**[05:49] Choro**
What?! There's someone you like?!
**[05:52] Kara**
Seriously? Who is it?
**[05:54] Todo**
Jeez, you have a big mouth.
No teasing me, okay?
**[05:58] Todo**
I'm serious about this.
**[05:59] Choro**
So who is it? Who? Who?
**[06:03] Todo**
A lady who works at the drug
store in the shopping district.
**[06:06] Choro**
Drug store?
**[06:08] Todo**
You know, Akatsuka Drugs. She works there.
**[06:13] Oso**
Huh... Is she sexy?
**[06:15] Todo**
Stop.
**[06:16] Oso**
Did she say anything about me?
**[06:18] Todo**
Why would she? She doesn't know you.
**[06:21] Choro**
Introduce your big brother next time.
**[06:23] Todo**
That's definitely not happening!
**[06:25] Todo**
Why do you guys keep saying stuff like that?!
**[06:30] Choro**
What?! You like her too, Karamatsu?!
**[06:34] Kara**
Shh!
**[06:39] Choro**
You mean the one Todomatsu
was talking about, right?
**[06:41] Choro**
The one who works at the drug store?
**[06:47] Kara**
I never thought we'd fall
for the same person.
**[06:50] Choro**
Why'd you fall in love with her?
**[06:53] Kara**
Well, she rang me up the other day.
**[06:58] Choro**
Yeah?
***SIGN*** You know the rest
**[07:01] Choro**
I see... I see.
**[07:04] Choro**
I see, I see.
**[07:06] Choro**
Of course you would fall for her.
She used both hands and squeezed.
**[07:10] Kara**
Yes. She used both hands and squeezed.
**[07:13] Choro**
She used both hands and...
**[07:14] Both**
...squeezed.
**[07:17] Kara**
And, and... I think she
has feelings for me, too!
**[07:22] Choro**
Really? Why's that?
**[07:24] Kara**
When I was feeling really
shitty from a hangover...
***SIGN*** You know the rest
**[07:29] Kara**
Isn't that insane?
I totally have a chance, don't I?!
**[07:32] Choro**
Yeah, totally!
**[07:35] Kara**
But when I think about Todomatsu...
**[07:40] Choro**
That's hard.
**[07:42] Kara**
Yeah.
**[07:43] Kara**
I never imagined this would happen.
***SIGN*** Akatsuka Drugs
***SIGN*** Matsumi
***SIGN*** 5x the Points
**[08:51] Kara**
H-Hey, Totty. What's up?
**[08:57] Kara**
How are things going with her?
**[08:59] Kara**
Don't mess this up. I've got your back.
**[09:05] Todo**
You like her too, don't you,
Karamatsu-niisan?
**[09:08] Kara**
Huh?! N-No! Wh-What the
heck are you talking about?
**[09:11] Kara**
Of course I don't...
**[09:12] Todo**
How much do you suck at acting?
**[09:14] Todo**
Of course I can tell.
Why did you hide it from me?
**[09:19] Todo**
Do you feel bad that we
fell for the same person?
**[09:23] Todo**
Did you hold back?
**[09:24] Todo**
Did you really think that'd make me happy?
**[09:28] Kara**
No...
**[09:33] Todo**
Listen, Karamatsu-niisan.
Let me just say one thing.
**[09:38] Todo**
Thanks. You're a lifesaver.
**[09:40] Todo**
Totty's super happy right now.
**[09:43] Kara**
Huh?
**[09:43] Todo**
Seriously, sacrificing your own happiness
for the sake of your cute littlest brother's?
**[09:47] Todo**
That's great, man. Huge props.
**[09:49] Todo**
Keep up the good work.
**[09:51] Kara**
Huh?
**[09:51] Todo**
Make sure you totally forget
about her. It's a promise, yeah?
**[09:56] Todo**
Thanks, dude. See ya.
**[09:57] Kara**
Wha?! T-T-Totty, wait!
**[10:03] Todo**
What's up?
**[10:04] Kara**
No! That's not how I pictured this at all!
**[10:07] Todo**
Huh?
**[10:07] Kara**
I mean, the way this
conversation usually goes...
**[10:11] Kara**
I mean, usually...
**[10:12] Kara**
"I see... You like the same person
I do, but you just couldn't tell me
**[10:17] Kara**
because you wanted to spare my feelings.
**[10:20] Kara**
Sorry about that. But from now on,
don't worry. Just be true to yourself."
**[10:25] Kara**
That's how it usually goes!
**[10:26] Kara**
I was expecting that kindness from you!
**[10:29] Todo**
Yeah, I couldn't understand any of that.
**[10:32] Todo**
I mean, the fewer nuisances
to worry about, the better.
**[10:35] Kara**
Wha... That's really how you're doing this?
**[10:39] Kara**
All right, fine.
**[10:40] Kara**
I really like her, too!
**[10:44] Kara**
So I'm not gonna give her up.
**[10:46] Todo**
Huh?! But you just said...
**[10:48] Kara**
That doesn't count anymore!
**[10:49] Todo**
You can't fall in love with her!
**[10:51] Kara**
Like I care!
**[10:53] Todo**
Nah, nah, nah, nah.
**[10:54] Kara**
Nah, nah, nah, nah.
**[10:55] Todo**
Nope, nope, nope.
**[10:56] Kara**
Like I friggin' care!
**[11:00] Ichi**
Where are those two?
**[11:10] Todo**
She was nice to me even
though I'm a piece of shit.
**[11:15] Todo**
It made me really happy.
**[11:17] Kara**
You're not the only one.
**[11:19] Todo**
She'd look me in the eyes
and smile and touch me...
**[11:23] Todo**
It made me really happy!
**[11:24] Kara**
You're not the only one.
**[11:26] Todo**
I can't let you have her.
I'm head over heels for her!
**[11:30] Kara**
You're not the only one.
**[11:33] Todo**
Since it's come to this, we're gonna have
to fight fair and square, Karamatsu.
**[11:37] Kara**
That's right, Todomatsu.
***SIGN*** Akatsuka Drugs
***SIGN*** Matsumi
**[12:23] Kara**
Well, yeah...
**[12:25] Todo**
Well, yeah...
**[12:28] Kara**
Well, yeah...
**[12:30] Todo**
Well, yeah...
***SIGN*** Adult
**[12:32] Kara**
Well, yeah...
***SIGN*** Adult
**[12:34] Todo**
Well, yeah...
**[12:36] Kara**
Well, yeah.
**[12:37] Todo**
Well, yeah...
**[12:40] Kara**
Well... yeah...
**[12:42] Todo**
Well, yeah...
**[12:44] Kara**
Well, yeah...
**[12:45] Todo**
Well, yeah.
**[12:47] Kara**
Well, yeah?!
**[12:49] Todo**
Well, yeah!
**[12:50] Kara**
Well, yeah!
**[12:51] Todo**
Well, yeah!
***SIGN*** End
**[13:08] All**
Well, yeah...
**[13:17] Choro**
Hey, so... is this the right way?
**[13:20] Choro**
Where exactly are we headed right now?
***SIGN*** "The Way Home"
**[13:22] Oso**
The station, right?
**[13:23] Choro**
Yeah, but... is the station this way?
**[13:25] Oso**
I dunno.
**[13:26] Choro**
Huh?
**[13:27] Kara**
Me, neither.
**[13:28] All**
Yeah, no idea.
**[13:30] Choro**
What? No one checked which way
to go, and we're just walking?
**[13:35] Oso**
We're fine. The station is this way.
We'll get there if we keep walking.
**[13:39] Choro**
Are you sure?
**[13:41] Oso**
Call it your oldest brother's intuition.
**[13:42] Kara**
That's the last thing we should believe.
**[13:45] Choro**
I'm even more worried now.
**[13:51] Ichi**
That food was really good.
**[13:53] Todo**
It sure was.
**[13:55] Todo**
Foie gras, was it? What exactly is that?
**[13:57] Kara**
It was pork, right?
**[13:59] Ichi**
What? Pork?
**[14:01] Kara**
Wait, am I wrong?
**[14:03] Ichi**
Wrong.
**[14:04] Jyushi**
Karamatsu-niisan, that was beef.
**[14:06] All**
What?
**[14:08] Jyushi**
Huh? Am I wrong?
**[14:09] Oso**
You are. You two have such
unsophisticated palates.
**[14:14] Oso**
That's poultry, isn't it, Ichimatsu?
**[14:16] Ichi**
Yup, sure is. But I can't
remember what kind of bird.
**[14:20] Oso**
Yeah... I can't remember, either.
**[14:22] Ichi**
Just start naming off some birds.
**[14:26] Todo**
Parrot.
**[14:27] Kara**
Eagle.
**[14:28] Oso**
Hawk.
**[14:29] Choro**
Owl.
**[14:29] Jyushi**
The Blue Jays!
**[14:32] Todo**
Woodpecker.
**[14:34] Kara**
Swallow.
**[14:35] Oso**
Crested ibis.
**[14:35] Choro**
Flamingo.
**[14:36] Jyushi**
Cardinals!
**[14:39] Todo**
Crane.
**[14:40] Kara**
Seagull.
**[14:41] Oso**
Swan.
**[14:41] Jyushi**
Jyushimatsu!
**[14:46] Ichi**
Now I remember.
**[14:47] Jyushi**
Jyushimatsu?
**[14:48] Ichi**
It's ostrich.
**[14:49] All**
Ostrich?
**[14:50] Kara**
What? But it's pork, isn't it?
**[14:52] Oso**
It's not pork. Why don't
you run on ahead already?
**[14:56] Todo**
Can I look it up?
**[14:57] Choro**
Go for it.
**[14:59] Todo**
Let's see...
**[15:02] Todo**
Oh, here we go. It's goose.
**[15:04] Oso**
It's goose?
**[15:05] All**
Huh...
**[15:06] Todo**
It's the goose's liver. They feed
it lots to make it nice and fat.
**[15:11] Choro**
And that's what foie gras is?
**[15:12] Todo**
Yup, foie gras.
**[15:13] Oso**
I've never had anything like that before.
**[15:15] Jyushi**
Me, too. Everything looked super expensive.
**[15:19] Kara**
But the portions sucked.
**[15:21] Choro**
Yeah... I ended up eating so much bread.
**[15:24] Oso**
We should've gotten yakiniku.
**[15:26] Ichi**
Ah, so it was goose.
I always get those two mixed up.
**[15:38] Jyushi**
So they're married. Isn't that amazing?
**[15:47] Jyushi**
Hey, guys...
**[15:48] Oso**
It sure was something when they walked in.
**[15:51] Oso**
The bride and groom's entry, I mean.
**[15:53] Oso**
He was so damn nervous.
**[15:56] Kara**
His eyes were darting around everywhere.
**[15:58] Todo**
And he was frozen from nerves.
**[16:00] Choro**
Yeah. He was moving like I used to.
**[16:05] Oso**
And now you've made that your shtick.
**[16:07] Choro**
Yes.
**[16:08] Todo**
How can they even do that?
**[16:11] Ichi**
It's so embarrassing, I'd die.
**[16:12] Todo**
Right?
**[16:20] Jyushi**
That's the first time we were
all invited to one, right?
**[16:23] Choro**
Yeah, it was.
**[16:25] Jyushi**
I thought this kind of stuff
wouldn't happen until later on,
**[16:29] Jyushi**
but one of our classmates finally did it.
**[16:32] Jyushi**
But I guess we're...
**[16:33] Oso**
Wasn't his wife sexy?
**[16:36] Oso**
You know. Her shoulders were
completely exposed. Did you see?
**[16:39] Todo**
I couldn't stop looking. She was super sexy.
**[16:42] Ichi**
Her clavicle?
**[16:43] Oso**
Her clavicle.
**[16:44] Jyushi**
Her nape?
**[16:44] Kara**
Her nape!
**[16:45] Todo**
Her cleavage?
**[16:46] All**
Yeh.
**[16:48] Choro**
Where the hell were you guys
looking during the wedding?
**[16:51] Kara**
Man, those two are banging every night.
**[16:53] Choro**
Hey!
**[16:54] Ichi**
Of course they are. I mean,
they probably already were.
**[16:56] Oso**
I know, right?
**[16:58] Oso**
The thing I always think
about at weddings is like,
**[17:00] Oso**
"Oh, yeah. They're totally banging. Wow."
**[17:04] Oso**
And for that feat, they deserve a...
**[17:05] All**
...congratulations!
**[17:07] Choro**
What the hell are you guys celebrating?
**[17:10] Choro**
For crying out loud...
**[17:49] Jyushi**
Hey, how was it for you guys?
**[17:52] Ichi**
How was what?
**[17:53] Jyushi**
The wedding.
**[17:55] Ichi**
Huh?
**[17:57] Jyushi**
I was just wondering if
you guys felt anything.
**[18:00] Jyushi**
You know. Any thoughts?
**[18:03] Kara**
I just thought it was amazing.
**[18:06] Kara**
I mean, marriage? I can't even imagine it.
**[18:10] Todo**
Yeah...
**[18:12] Jyushi**
I wonder if we're gonna
get married someday, too.
**[18:15] All**
Huh?
**[18:18] Choro**
Well, I mean... probably?
**[18:20] Choro**
I'm not exactly sure, but...
**[18:21] Jyushi**
What? You're gonna get married,
Choromatsu-niisan?
**[18:24] Choro**
Huh? Well, yeah... someday.
**[18:28] Jyushi**
Huh...
**[18:30] Choro**
Wait, aren't you guys?
**[18:35] Jyushi**
I dunno.
**[18:37] Todo**
But it feels pretty lonely if we don't, yeah?
**[18:40] Todo**
Living your whole life alone.
**[18:42] Ichi**
Huh... I guess even you
think about that stuff.
**[18:45] Todo**
Well, yeah. I am human, after all.
**[18:48] Jyu**
I want a kid.
**[18:50] Choro**
Seriously?
**[18:51] Jyu**
Yeah.
**[18:52] Ichi**
Even though you're a kid yourself?
**[18:54] Jyu**
You're the last person I want to
hear that from, Ichimatsu-kun.
**[18:57] Kara**
Well, I mean... I'd want a Junior, myself.
**[19:00] Oso**
Me, too. Kids are great.
**[19:03] Choro**
Yeah.
**[19:05] Todo**
They sure are.
**[19:06] Ichi**
Yeah.
**[19:09] Ichi**
Marriage, huh?
**[19:12] Ichi**
I wonder why people do it.
**[19:14] Ichi**
Does something good happen when you do?
**[19:22] Oso**
Before we even consider marriage,
I don't think I could live with someone.
**[19:27] Oso**
I mean, even if I like them... living with them?
**[19:30] Ichi**
And that goes on forever.
**[19:33] Oso**
That's just it. It's forever.
**[19:36] Oso**
Like, for real?
**[19:37] Kara**
And he actually decided to do that.
**[19:41] Kara**
Man, that is amazing.
**[19:42] Oso**
Yeah... It's unbelievable.
**[19:44] Choro**
Something must've made him go for it.
**[19:47] Choro**
To spend the rest of his life with her.
To start a family with her.
**[19:51] Oso**
When do you make that decision?
**[19:53] Oso**
And why?
**[19:54] Choro**
It just means they both
love each other that much.
**[19:58] Oso**
*That* much?
**[19:59] Choro**
Well, yeah. They got married.
**[20:02] Oso**
Huh...
**[20:03] Jyushi**
Didn't they want to wait a little longer?
**[20:06] Todo**
Huh?
**[20:07] Jyushi**
Well, I mean... there are so
many women in the world.
**[20:11] Jyushi**
Wouldn't you want to meet as many
as possible and find the best one?
**[20:15] Kara**
I hear you.
**[20:16] Kara**
You wanna go for the best one after
going through all the possibilities.
**[20:22] Todo**
Well, they got married because
she was the best one for him.
**[20:25] Jyushi**
I guess he likes her that much.
**[20:27] Todo**
Yeah, they got married.
**[20:30] Jyushi**
I see.
**[20:32] Oso**
That's pretty amazing.
**[20:33] Kara**
Yeah.
**[20:37] Choro**
I wonder how it was for Mom and Dad.
**[20:40] Choro**
They never really talk
about stuff like that.
**[20:43] Choro**
They got married, she got pregnant,
**[20:46] Choro**
and when she finally gave birth,
she ended up with six of us.
**[20:48] Choro**
That's six at once.
**[20:50] Choro**
Isn't that the worst?
**[20:51] Ichi**
It sure is.
**[20:53] Todo**
Inconceivable.
**[20:54] Jyushi**
That's way too many at once.
**[20:55] Kara**
Talk about an impossibly hard game.
**[20:56] Oso**
Six? Gag me.
**[20:59] Jyushi**
I wonder if it was rough.
**[21:01] Ichi**
Well, it had to be.
**[21:02] Ichi**
Not that I'd have any idea.
**[21:04] Todo**
I wonder if they struggled with money, too.
**[21:06] Kara**
Probably. Not that I'd know.
**[21:09] Oso**
Well, that hasn't changed.
**[21:11] Choro**
Yeah. That's still going on.
**[21:14] Choro**
Wait, even now?!
**[21:16] Choro**
This shouldn't be going
on anymore, gentlemen.
**[21:19] Choro**
How much more trouble are we
going to cause our parents?
**[21:21] Choro**
Get a grip, will ya?
**[21:23] Oso**
That goes for you, too.
**[21:25] Choro**
Yes!
**[21:30] Sign**
Stop
**[21:36] Choro**
Man, I'm beat.
**[21:40] Ichi**
Same...
**[21:43] Jyushi**
I am, too.
**[21:46] Todo**
What's going to happen to us?
**[21:50] Kara**
Dunno.
**[21:51] Oso**
No idea at all.
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[23:29] Kara**
It's me, Karamatsu.
**[23:30] Kara**
The next *Mr. Osomatsu* is a 3-parter.
**[23:33] Kara**
"Touter," "Optimization," and "Massage."
**[23:36] Kara**
Did you see the common theme?
**[23:39] Kara**
One more time...
**[23:40] Kara**
"Touter"... "Optimization"...
**[23:43] Kara**
and "Massage."
**[23:45] Kara**
To everyone who just imagined
something pervy...
***SIGN*** "Touter" "Optimization" "Massage"
**[23:48] Kara**
The hell's wrong with you, man?
**[23:51] Kara**
There is no theme! Not at all!
# E6 - Touter / Optimization / Massage
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/G6DV0Q4W6/touter--optimization--massage)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
***SIGN*** Gonpachi
**[00:07] Oso**
Thanks for the grub.
***SIGN*** "Touter"
**[00:12] Kara**
Should we just head back
to the hotel tonight?
**[00:15] Oso**
Yeah... We've got a meeting tomorrow.
***SIGN*** Free Guide
***SIGN*** Trustworthy and Safe
**[00:20] Iyami**
Ah, there you are, Mr. President.
**[00:23] Iyami**
Me was born into this world to serve you!
**[00:27] Iyami**
Me has been waiting for you
in this cold for so long!
**[00:30] Iyami**
Me is so happy to have finally found you!
**[00:34] Iyami**
Are you gentlemen from Tokyo?
**[00:36] Iyami**
You're not, are ya?
**[00:38] Iyami**
You must be on a business trip!
**[00:40] Iyami**
You need to have a night on
the town in the big city, then!
**[00:45] Iyami**
Our place is super cheap!
**[00:48] Iyami**
It's just a whopping 3,000 yen! Sheeeh!
**[00:53] Iyami**
It's just a whopping 2,000 yen! Sheeeh!
**[00:57] Iyami**
A whopping 1,000 yen! Sheeeh!
**[01:03] Iyami**
Everyone at our place is super cute!
And they're not wearing any clothes!
**[01:08] Iyami**
Sh-Sh... Sheeeh!
**[01:12] Oso**
Huh? They're not wearing clothes?
**[01:15] Both**
For real?!
**[01:16] Kara**
Is that even allowed?
**[01:19] Iyami**
Me can't say this very loudly...
**[01:23] Iyami**
but they're only wearing underpants.
**[01:24] Both**
What?!
**[01:25] Oso**
Just underpants?!
**[01:26] Iyami**
Shh!
**[01:26] Kara**
Oh, man...
**[01:28] Iyami**
Their boobies are completely exposed.
**[01:29] Oso**
Completely exposed?!
So we can get an eyeful?
**[01:31] Oso**
So... what kind of underpants
are they wearing?
**[01:33] Iyami**
They have light blue and green stripes.
**[01:35] Kara**
That's super cute! What do they look like?
**[01:38] Iyami**
Plump and juicy.
**[01:39] Kara**
Nice!
**[01:40] Iyami**
They're charming and have soft, fair skin.
**[01:43] Kara**
Nice!
**[01:44] Iyami**
They also speak this cutesy dialect.
**[01:47] Oso**
Ooh, I love when they speak in dialects!
**[01:49] Kara**
Me, too!
**[01:52] Oso**
You're not lying about any of this, are you?
**[01:55] Iyami**
Me would never lie!
**[01:57] Kara**
Are you sure?
**[01:58] Iyami**
Me has said nothing but the truth.
**[02:01] Kara**
What are the other ones like?
**[02:03] Iyami**
We actually have a master
technician in today.
**[02:07] Both**
Technician?
**[02:08] Kara**
What do you mean?
**[02:09] Iyami**
They are known as... the Vacuum Demon!
**[02:12] Both**
Vacuum?!
**[02:13] Oso**
Uh, is that okay?!
What kind of place is this?!
**[02:15] Iyami**
They suck so hard,
they can suck anything down.
**[02:17] Both**
Oh, shit!
**[02:18] Iyami**
Their ability to suck is otherworldly.
**[02:21] Kara**
That's a bit scary.
**[02:23] Iyami**
You could say their mouth was made for that.
**[02:25] Oso**
Their mouth was made for that?
Wait, what are you saying?
**[02:27] Iyami**
You're curious, aren't you?
You should experience it at least once.
**[02:32] Iyami**
Two other treasures we have today...
**[02:34] Oso**
There's more?!
**[02:38] Iyami**
Legal lolis.
**[02:39] Both**
Say what?!
**[02:40] Iyami**
They look like children, but they're
definitely over twenty, so no worries.
**[02:45] Iyami**
One of them doesn't have any hair at all!
**[02:48] Kara**
No hair?!
**[02:49] Iyami**
Silky smooth.
**[02:50] Kara**
Silky smooth?!
**[02:51] Iyami**
You wanna see, don't you?
**[02:52] Kara**
You bet I do!
**[02:53] Iyami**
The other one's got a flag rammed in.
**[02:56] Both**
A flag?!
**[02:57] Oso**
Why a flag?! What's it even for?!
**[02:59] Kara**
Is it a fashion statement,
or does it just feel good?
**[03:01] Iyami**
That flag's basically rammed in 24/7.
**[03:05] Oso**
It's rammed in 24/7?!
**[03:07] Oso**
Doesn't it get in the way?
Doesn't it hit anything?
**[03:09] Kara**
No idea, but I sure wanna see!
**[03:11] Iyami**
Well, wanna have a go at our place?
**[03:15] Both**
Yeah!
**[03:16] Iyami**
Then that'll be...
**[03:18] Iyami**
20,000 yen apiece.
**[03:19] Both**
Huh?
**[03:20] Iyami**
There are two of you,
so that'll be 40,000 yen.
**[03:26] Oso**
Hey, wait!
**[03:27] Kara**
We'll pay! Please!
**[03:29] Iyami**
Thanks for your payment!
**[03:32] Iyami**
We've got two coming in!
**[03:34] Both**
Yay!
**[03:36] Dekapan**
Hoeh, I'll show you a good time.
**[03:39] Dayon**
I'll suck you dry!
**[03:41] Chibi**
Silky smooth, buddy!
**[03:42] Hata**
I've got a flag, jo.
**[03:47] Iyami**
You folks should also be careful
at night in the big city! Sheeeh!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** "Optimization"
**[05:40] Both**
Choromatsu-san.
**[05:43] Choro**
Hey, thanks!
**[05:45] Salmon**
Are you happy?
**[05:47] Choro**
Huh?
**[05:48] Ume**
Are you satisfied?
**[05:51] Choro**
Yeah, you're a big help.
**[05:56] Choro**
Wow! You're going all-out!
**[06:08] Todo**
Man, this is rough. And a bit embarrassing.
**[06:13] Plum**
Here you go.
**[06:15] Todo**
Thanks.
**[06:17] Kara**
Ah, Brothers, you're here.
**[06:20] Kara**
I love you, as always.
**[06:25] Kara**
Ah!
**[06:32] Kara**
No need to get too exci—
**[06:55] Kara**
These adorable jerks.
**[06:56] Choro**
Yeah, they're so brilliant.
**[06:58] Jyushi**
So much fun!
**[06:59] Choro**
They're so efficient.
They're not wasteful at all.
**[07:01] Todo**
They sure are convenient machines.
**[07:03] Jyushi**
He said it again!
**[07:05] Jyushi**
Totty, you probably
shouldn't call them that.
**[07:08] Todo**
What do you mean? Oh, I know.
How about convenient tools?
**[07:11] Todo**
Or possibly hunks of junk that
think and move around a lot?
**[07:13] Jyushi**
Okay, never mind.
**[07:16] Both**
All done!
**[07:20] Kara**
This is great!
**[07:21] Jyushi**
Yum!
**[07:22] Choro**
It's so good!
**[07:23] Todo**
No complaints here!
***SIGN*** How to Make Delicious Yakisoba
***SIGN*** Ingredients
120g thin-sliced bacon 2 packs yakisoba noodles
1/4 onion Yakisoba sauce to taste
2-3 cabbage leaves Aonori and pickled ginger to taste
1/2 bag bean sprouts
***SIGN*** Cut the onion, cabbage, and bacon into bite-size pieces.
***SIGN*** Rinse the noodles and pat
them dry with a paper towel.
**[07:25] Salmon**
We've optimized the balance of
nutrition, seasoning, and appearance
***SIGN*** Heat 1 tbsp. oil in a frying pan
and fry the noodles until golden.
***SIGN*** Clean the frying pan, then add
the bacon and stir-fry.
***SIGN*** Move the meat and veggies to
one side and add the noodles
back into the frying pan.
***SIGN*** Mix sauce in with the meat
and veggies while separating
and cutting up the noodles.
***SIGN*** Transfer to a plate, add aonori
and pickled ginger, and enjoy!
***SIGN*** Breakdown of Balanced Nutrition Data (According to Riceball Research)
**[07:29] Salmon**
using the available ingredients.
**[07:32] Plum**
This is the yakisoba that
most people currently crave.
**[07:35] Four**
Huh...
**[07:37] Salmon**
Are you happy?
**[07:38] Four**
Yup.
**[07:39] Choro**
It's perfect! It's delicious. Thanks.
**[07:50] Oso**
Huh?! You're eating yakisoba? Why?!
**[07:52] Oso**
Hey, you two! Where's mine?
**[07:55] Oso**
Why are you ignoring me?!
**[07:58] Jyushi**
Guess you're just not into the
Riceballs yet, Osomatsu-niisan.
**[08:01] Choro**
Get with the program, dude.
**[08:03] Oso**
Why do I have to be into them?
**[08:06] Oso**
I'm the eldest brother here.
Y'all need to worship me.
**[08:09] Oso**
So, where's my yakisoba?
**[08:12] Salmon**
We've used up all of the ingredients,
so we can't make any more.
**[08:15] Plum**
No more.
**[08:16] Oso**
Show me some VR porn, then.
**[08:19] Oso**
Come on! VR porn! VR porn!
**[08:21] Kara**
Hey, come on.
**[08:21] Oso**
VR porn! VR porn! VR porn!
**[08:23] Todo**
They're gonna break.
**[08:24] Salmon**
Osomatsu is the shittiest brother.
**[08:25] Plum**
Osomatsu is the shittiest brother.
**[08:27] Both**
Shittiest brother, shittiest brother,
shittiest brother, shit.
**[08:30] Oso**
Hey, who taught them that?
**[08:32] Oso**
Wow, all of you? Really?
**[09:15] Toto**
Gah!
**[09:38] Ichi**
Mrow, mrow.
**[09:41] Ichi**
Mrow.
**[10:19] Salmon**
We need him to be happy.
**[10:21] Plum**
We need him to be satisfied.
**[10:28] Todo**
Huh? Those machines aren't here yet?
**[10:31] Choro**
No, they aren't here yet.
**[10:33] Todo**
Man, I was going to have
them brush my teeth for me.
**[10:36] Choro**
You're making them do that, too?!
**[10:38] Choro**
Who died and made you king?
**[10:40] Todo**
Aw, I prefer to be called a prince, personally.
**[10:43] Choro**
Shut up.
**[10:44] Jyushi**
I think the Riceballs will be here soon.
**[10:46] Todo**
Yeah.
**[10:55] Mom**
So I was wondering, where do
those two even come from?
**[11:00] Both**
Dunno.
**[11:17] Both**
Hello!
**[11:20] Ichi**
Wh-What?
**[11:23] Ichi**
Cat expectation values?
**[11:25] Both**
Yes.
***SIGN*** Cat Expectation Values
**[11:26] Both**
Cat expectation values.
**[11:29] Salmon**
We AIs are filled with endless data.
***SIGN*** Cat Expectation Values
**[11:33] Salmon**
We used that data to determine
***SIGN*** Cat Distribution Diagram
**[11:34] Salmon**
the values of likely places cats
might be in this neighborhood
**[11:37] Salmon**
and came up with expectation values.
**[11:39] Plum**
The higher the value, the higher
the chance of running into a cat.
**[11:43] Ichi**
How can you even do that?
**[11:45] Salmon**
We are unsure,
***SIGN*** Cat Distribution Diagram
**[11:47] Salmon**
but the results are definite.
**[11:53] Ichi**
Oh, I see.
**[11:56] Salmon**
You like cats, don't you?
**[11:59] Ichi**
Huh?
**[12:00] Plum**
That's what Jyushimatsu-san said.
**[12:03] Ichi**
I-I don't like them that much...
**[12:06] Salmon**
You're not very honest
with yourself, are you?
**[12:08] Ichi**
What?
**[12:09] Plum**
That's what Jyushimatsu-san said.
**[12:12] Ichi**
*That bastard needs to keep his mouth shut.*
**[12:14] Ichi**
* I'm gonna beat the shit out*
* of him when I get home.*
**[12:16] Both**
Ichimatsu-san.
**[12:18] Salmon**
Come along with us...
**[12:20] Plum**
...as we use the cat expectation values...
**[12:21] Salmon**
...to find some cats. Let's go!
**[12:26] Ichi**
No, that's okay.
**[12:27] Both**
Huh?
**[12:28] Ichi**
I'm not really looking for cats.
I'm not even interested.
**[12:35] Salmon**
Are you sure?
**[12:36] Ichi**
I'm sure.
**[12:37] Plum**
Are you being honest?
**[12:38] Ichi**
Yup.
**[12:40] Twins**
I see. Well, then, goodbye.
**[12:46] Ichi**
Say...
**[12:49] Ichi**
Can you really find cats? Like, will we
be able to find some immediately?
***SIGN*** Cat Expectation Values
**[12:55] Salmon**
Would you like to use the
cat expectation values?
**[12:57] Ichi**
No...
**[12:59] Plum**
Don't you want to see any cats?
**[13:00] Ichi**
Not at all.
**[13:02] Twins**
Goodbye.
**[13:04] Ichi**
Um...
**[13:06] Ichi**
You see, I have a lot of time on my hands,
being a NEET and such. Yes.
**[13:11] Ichi**
So if you absolutely insist I go with you,
I guess I wouldn't mind.
**[13:16] Ichi**
Yes, yes, yes.
***SIGN*** Sutabaa Coffee
**[13:22] Twins**
We found one.
**[13:24] Ichi**
Seriously? There actually is one! H-Huh?
**[13:26] Ichi**
But how?
**[13:27] Ichi**
They don't usually come here.
**[13:29] Plum**
They do at this time.
**[13:31] Ichi**
But why?
**[13:32] Plum**
We are unsure.
**[13:34] Plum**
That's just what the cat
expectation values tell us.
**[13:58] Both**
Are you happy?
**[14:02] Ichi**
Uh, yeah.
**[14:04] Plum**
Are you satisfied?
**[14:06] Ichi**
Yes.
**[14:08] Both**
Hooray. Hooray. Hooray.
**[14:11] Both**
Hooray!
***SIGN*** Address Cat Expectation Values Honmachi 2-3-5 95 Honmachi 3-6-12 81 Higashimachi 1-1-11 91 Higashimachi 2-9-8 77 Minamimachi 3-8-42 75
***SIGN*** Address Cat Expectation Values
Honmachi 2-3-5 95
Honmachi 3-6-12 81
Higashimachi 1-1-11 91
Higashimachi 2-9-8 77
Minamimachi 3-8-42 75
Minamimachi 4-5-4 66
***SIGN*** Kitamachi 1-21-8 68 Kitamachi 3-5-17 75 Nakamachi 2-14-5 92 Nakamachi 4-23-16 84 Kamimachi 2-5-13 79
**[15:27] Salmon**
Ichimatsu-san, let's go this way next.
**[15:30] Ume**
This way.
**[15:31] Twins**
We're so glad you're happy.
**[15:33] Plum**
So glad.
**[15:34] Salmon**
Now you don't need to waste
time looking for cats.
**[15:38] Salmon**
Time saved.
**[15:40] Plum**
Optimization!
**[15:44] Ichi**
Hey...
**[15:46] Ichi**
Sorry. I'm done.
**[15:51] Ichi**
You can have this back.
**[15:55] Ichi**
Thanks, but I don't need it anymore.
**[15:58] Ichi**
I'll find them on my own from now on.
**[16:04] Salmon**
I wonder why.
**[16:06] Plum**
I wonder why.
**[16:13] Salmon**
Maybe he doesn't like cats.
**[16:16] Plum**
Maybe he doesn't like us.
**[16:20] Both**
I don't know.
**[16:28] Oso**
Oh, there you are.
***SIGN*** "Massage"
**[16:30] Oso**
You free? Could you give me a massage?
**[16:33] Jyushi**
A massage? Sure.
**[16:35] Oso**
Thanks!
**[16:38] Oso**
All right, have at it.
**[16:39] Jyushi**
Here I go!
**[16:41] Oso**
Sure.
**[16:48] Oso**
That feels great.
**[16:50] Oso**
You're good at this, Jyushimatsu.
**[16:51] Oso**
You're pretty strong.
**[16:54] Oso**
You can dig in a bit more. I'm fine.
**[16:57] Jyushi**
You sure? Like this?
**[17:00] Oso**
Yeah, just like that! That feels so good!
**[17:06] Oso**
Can you do it even harder?
**[17:07] Jyushi**
Harder?
**[17:14] Jyushi**
Wait, doesn't that hurt?
I'm really digging in there.
**[17:18] Oso**
Nope, totally fine... Harder... Harder!
**[17:24] Oso**
Yes! Harder!
**[17:26] Oso**
Whoa, what the hell?!
**[17:28] Jyushi**
Wait, doesn't that hurt?
**[17:29] Oso**
It doesn't! Harder!
**[17:35] Oso**
Yes!
**[17:37] Oso**
It hurts!
**[17:39] Jyushi**
Wait, it hurts?
**[17:40] Oso**
It doesn't hurt!
**[17:41] Jyushi**
You clearly just said it hurt.
**[17:43] Oso**
I'm fine! It feels amazing!
**[17:48] Oso**
More!
**[17:51] Oso**
Jyushimatsu, stop!
**[17:53] Jyushi**
Should I stop?
**[17:54] Oso**
No!
**[17:54] Jyushi**
Which is it?
**[17:55] Oso**
Keep going! It feels so good!
**[17:57] Jyushi**
Are you sure? I'm actually
scared to go any harder.
**[18:01] Oso**
I'm fine! Go harder! Please!
**[18:08] Jyushi**
I'm scared. I'm really scared.
**[18:11] Jyushi**
I'm so scared!
**[18:14] Jyushi**
I'm so scared!
**[18:16] Jyushi**
I wanna stop!
**[18:26] Jyushi**
Huh?
**[18:29] Jyushi**
Osomatsu-niisan?
**[18:34] Jyushi**
Osomatsu-niisan!
**[18:38] Jyushi**
H-Huh? Huh?
**[18:41] Jyushi**
What?!
**[18:45] Oso**
Man, that felt great!
**[18:48] Oso**
Thanks, Jyushimatsu!
**[18:50] Jyushi**
That was dangerous!
**[18:52] Jyushi**
That was really dangerous, Osomatsu-niisan!
**[18:54] Oso**
That felt amazing. Thanks, Jyushimatsu.
**[18:56] Jyushi**
You're very welcome!
**[18:58] Oso**
Do it one more time.
**[18:59] Jyushi**
No way!
**[19:00] Jyushi**
Absolutely not!
**[19:01] Oso**
Why not?
**[19:02] Jyushi**
I thought you were dead!
That was a really close call!
**[19:06] Oso**
What are you talking about?
No one dies from massages.
**[19:10] Jyushi**
You're right, they don't.
But you almost did!
**[19:13] Oso**
All right, let's continue.
**[19:15] Jyushi**
No way!
**[19:16] Oso**
Hurry up.
**[19:17] Jysuhi**
Not happening.
**[19:18] Oso**
Why not?
**[19:19] Jyushi**
I don't want to kill you, Osomatsu-niisan.
**[19:22] Oso**
Just one more time. Please.
**[19:26] Oso**
Hurry!
**[19:31] Jyushi**
This is the last time.
**[19:33] Oso**
Sure!
**[19:34] Jyushi**
Also, don't tell me to go
harder anymore. It's scary.
**[19:37] Oso**
You got it!
**[19:38] Jyushi**
Also, no dying.
**[19:40] Oso**
Got it.
**[19:42] Jyushi**
Okay, just one more time.
**[19:45] Jyushi**
Here I go.
**[19:45] Oso**
Thanks!
**[19:48] Oso**
Go harder!
**[19:51] Oso**
Harder!
**[19:53] Oso**
Harder!
**[19:56] Oso**
Holy shit! What is this?!
**[19:58] Oso**
I've never felt this before!
It's totally new!
**[19:59] Jyushi**
I'm scared! I wanna stop!
**[20:02] Oso**
Jyushimatsu!
**[20:03] Jyushi**
Osomatsu-niisan!
**[20:05] Oso**
Jyushimatsu!
**[20:06] Jyushi**
Osomatsu-niisan?
**[20:08] Oso**
Jyushimatsu!
**[20:09] Jyushi**
Osomatsu-niisan!
**[20:16] Jyushi**
Huh?
**[20:18] Jyushi**
Osomatsu-niisan?
**[20:21] Jyushi**
Osomatsu-niisan?
**[20:26] Jyushi**
There you go again!
Come on, Osomatsu-niisan.
**[20:29] Jyushi**
Osomatsu-niisan, stop messing
around and wake up.
**[20:32] Jyushi**
Osomatsu-niisan!
**[20:36] Jyushi**
Huh? Wait, Osomatsu-niisan?
**[20:40] Jyushi**
Osomatsu-niisan!
**[20:41] Jyushi**
Hey! Wake up!
**[20:43] Choro**
Keep it down, Jyushimatsu!
**[20:46] Choro**
What are you screaming about?
**[20:49] Choro**
What's wrong?
**[20:57] Choro**
Just keep the noise down, okay?
**[21:07] Jyushi**
What am I going to do?
What am I going to do?!
**[21:12] Oso**
Gotcha!
**[21:15] Oso**
Did I scare you, Jyushimatsu?
**[21:19] Oso**
What's with that face? You're such an idiot!
**[21:22] Oso**
I wouldn't die from a massage!
It was just an act!
**[21:30] Jyushi**
That's enough!
**[21:39] Choro**
What's the matter, Jyushimatsu?
Why are you so angry?
**[21:43] Choro**
What?!
**[21:45] Choro**
Wh-What happened in here?
**[21:50] Choro**
Th-That's...
**[21:53] Choro**
Osomatsu-niisan...
**[21:55] Choro**
has been murdered.
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[23:29] Choro**
I'm Matsuno Choromatsu.
**[23:31] Choro**
The next episode of *Mr. Osomatsu*
**[23:32] Choro**
will be a tidbits collection
filled with little stories.
**[23:36] Choro**
Whenever you just happen to have
a happy accident in your daily life,
**[23:39] Choro**
please think of me, Matsuno Choromatsu.
**[23:43] Choro**
I'll come see you.
**[23:44] Choro**
What do I mean by a happy accident?
**[23:46] Choro**
Huh? Why are you asking
me something so lewd?!
***SIGN*** "Tidbits Collection 3"
**[23:50] Choro**
Are you a pervert?
**[23:52] Choro**
Come on, now!
# E7 - Tidbits Collection 3
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/GY9XGPJ36/tidbits-collection-3)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
**[01:40] Totty**
Huh?
**[01:41] Chibi**
Yeah, uh, could I get a cut and a dye job?
***SIGN*** "Salon"
**[01:44] Totty**
C-C... Cut?
**[01:46] Totty**
A-And a dye job?
**[01:55] Totty**
P-Pardon me...
**[02:10] Totty**
All done.
**[02:14] Chibi**
Thanks!
**[02:23] Totty**
Is this really okay?!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[02:32] Uggo**
Please stop crying.
***SIGN*** "Stand Up"
**[02:33] Uggo**
Mommy will be home soon.
**[02:37] Uggo**
See? Here she is now.
**[02:45] Both**
We're back...
**[02:52] Toto**
She stood up!
**[02:53] Nyaa**
She stood up!
**[02:54] Toto**
Congrats!
**[02:55] Nyaa**
Thanks!
**[02:58] Uggo**
Uh, you guys got the wrong idea.
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Totoko
***SIGN*** Nyaa
**[03:12] Totty**
*Houston, this is M36.*
**[03:14] Totty**
*We will be arriving at the ISS momentarily.*
**[03:17] Totty**
*Requesting permission to dock.*
**[03:19] Kara**
*Houston here, roger.*
**[03:21] Kara**
*Permission to dock granted.*
**[03:25] Totty**
Well, it's finally time.
**[03:26] Choro**
Yeah. Everyone back on
Earth is counting on us.
**[03:32] Choro**
And for everyone who supported us...
**[03:36] Choro**
We need to make sure this is a success.
**[03:38] Totty**
Right!
**[03:40] Totty**
I see it!
**[03:41] Choro**
So that must be it.
**[03:42] Totty**
Yes.
**[03:43] Choro**
All right.
**[03:45] Choro**
Prepare for docking.
**[04:00] Totty**
H-Hey, wait a sec! Stop! Stop!
**[04:02] Choro**
What is it?
**[04:03] Totty**
The shapes are totally different!
**[04:05] Totty**
There's no way we can dock!
**[04:09] Choro**
Wait... We've got the right
space station, right?
**[04:12] Totty**
Yes.
**[04:13] Choro**
Hey, Riceballs. Is this the right one?
**[04:15] Omu**
Yes. This is definitely the
correct space station.
**[04:19] Choro**
That's strange. Let's confirm with Houston.
**[04:22] Totty**
Sure.
**[04:23] Choro**
Houston, this is M36. We have an emergency.
**[04:27] Kara**
*What's wrong?*
**[04:28] Choro**
We just got to the space station, but our
connector parts seem completely different.
**[04:35] Kara**
Let me see...
**[04:38] Kara**
Actually, I think you can just make it.
**[04:40] Choro**
*You think so?*
**[04:41] Todo**
*No way.*
**[04:41] Kara**
The key is to tell yourself you can do it!
**[04:43] Choro**
*Good point.*
**[04:44] Todo**
*No, it's not.*
**[04:45] Kara**
* Believe in the strength*
* that lies within you!*
**[04:47] Kara**
*Then a miracle is sure to happen!*
**[04:51] Choro**
All right.
**[04:52] Totty**
What?!
**[04:53] Kara**
*Good luck!*
**[04:54] Todo**
Hey! Stop! Stop!
**[04:57] Todo**
Huh? Are you seriously going to dock?
**[05:00] Choro**
Yeah.
**[05:00] Todo**
It's not going to fit.
**[05:02] Choro**
A miracle will happen if you
just believe in yourself.
**[05:04] Todo**
That's idealism!
**[05:05] Todo**
That's the last thing that works in space!
**[05:07] Choro**
Huh? Then... should we confirm
with Washington, too?
**[05:10] Todo**
Yeah, please do.
**[05:12] Choro**
Washington, this is M36.
**[05:15] Oso**
*'Sup? Did you find some cute aliens?*
**[05:19] Choro**
Let's ask the president.
**[05:20] Todo**
Yeah.
**[05:22] Choro**
White House, this is M36.
**[05:26] Choro**
We can only count on our friends now.
**[05:28] Todo**
Ain't that the truth?
***SIGN*** Choromatsu & Todomatsu Congratulations!
***SIGN*** Congratulations
on Your
Successful
Mission
**[05:32] All**
Congratulations on your successful mission!
***SIGN*** Choromatsu & Todomatsu Congratulations!
***SIGN*** Congratulations
on Your
Successful
Mission
**[05:36] Toto**
You're so amazing, Choromatsu-kun!
Todomatsu-kun!
**[05:39] Dad**
We're so proud of you boys!
**[05:41] Mom**
Well done, you two!
***SIGN*** Choromatsu & Todomatsu Congratulations!
***SIGN*** Congratulations
on Your
Successful
Mission
**[05:44] Jyushi**
* Let's all celebrate once*
* you get back to Earth!*
**[05:48] Todo**
Jeez, they're all really jumping the gun.
**[05:51] Todo**
They already think we succeeded.
**[05:53] Todo**
But what can we do?
**[05:56] Todo**
Let's head back for now
and think this through fully.
**[05:59] Todo**
Huh? Hey, wait!
**[06:01] Choro**
We can't just turn back now.
We have to do this.
**[06:04] Todo**
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
**[06:06] Choro**
I can do this. I can do this.
I can do this. I can.
**[06:08] Todo**
No, you can't! Some things
just aren't possible!
**[06:13] Todo**
Wait, it's scraping! It's scraping!
**[06:15] Todo**
It's scraping!
**[06:22] Choro**
Go on! Get in there!
**[06:24] Todo**
This isn't docking anymore!
**[06:26] Choro**
Go on! Get in there!
***SIGN*** END
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[06:43] Iyami**
Me is late...
***SIGN*** "The Night Path"
**[06:45] Iyami**
Me is from France.
Why must me go through this?
**[06:50] Iyami**
It's past 2 AM... What a creepy time.
**[06:53] Iyami**
Me needs to get home fast.
**[06:58] Iyami**
*I-It's a kappa...*
**[07:12] Hata**
Jo...
**[07:13] Iyami**
*It's an azukiarai!*
**[07:15] Hata**
Jo!
**[07:28] Iyami**
*A rokurokubi!*
**[07:39] Iyami**
*An amabie!*
**[07:51] Iyami**
*A nopperabou!*
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
***SIGN*** The Master of Wit, Chibikyuu
***SIGN*** Episode Director: Kodaka Yoshiki Script: Matsubara Shuu Art: Tamura Seiki
**[08:35] Dayon**
Halt!
***SIGN*** You Shall Not Pass
**[08:38] Dayon**
You can't cross this bridge!
***SIGN*** You Shall Not Pass
**[08:44] Chibi**
Aw, come on.
**[08:46] Osoma**
Chibikyuu-san!
**[09:16] Chibi**
Got it! I won't pass this bridge!
**[09:20] Dayon**
Head on home, then!
**[09:24] Osoma**
Huh? Protein?
**[09:28] Osoma**
Chibikyuu-san?
**[09:39] Osoma**
Wha?!
**[09:51] Osoma**
He's putting his left foot forward before
his right foot reaches the ground,
**[09:54] Osoma**
and his right foot forward before
his left foot reaches the ground.
**[09:57] Osoma**
This is the product of
mastery of leg strength...
**[10:00] Osoma**
"Walking in the Air."
**[10:03] Osoma**
He is clearly not crossing the bridge,
**[10:05] Osoma**
which means no one can complain.
**[10:12] Chibi**
I apologize for the fuss.
**[10:14] Toto**
I-It's all right.
**[10:21] Osoma**
Way to go, Master of Wit!
**[10:25] Toto**
Wit?
**[10:30] Iyami**
Welcome, Chibikyuu-dono.
**[10:32] Iyami**
Karaemon, prepare the goods.
**[10:35] Kara**
Yes, sir.
**[10:37] Hata**
Jo...
**[10:39] Iyami**
Chibikyuu-dono, I'd like you
to catch this tiger.
**[10:54] Osoma**
So fast!
**[10:55] Osoma**
Again with the protein!
**[11:04] Chibi**
Here we go!
**[11:14] Ichi**
What the hell is that shrimp doing?!
**[11:16] Jyushi**
Did he lose his mind?
**[11:19] Kara**
No, that's not it.
**[11:20] All**
Huh?
**[11:21] Kara**
I can see it! I can see it clearly!
**[11:23] Kara**
I can see that savage tiger
attacking the shrimp!
**[11:28] Iyami**
This is...
**[11:29] Osoma**
Never underestimate the imagination
of a top-class martial artist.
**[11:33] Osoma**
Their keen senses of concentration
**[11:34] Osoma**
can produce a shadow more
realistic than reality itself!
**[11:41] Chibi**
You idjit! Pay attention!
**[11:44] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[11:55] Osoma**
Master of Wit!
**[11:58] Toto**
Huh?!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** "Matsuzou's Job"
**[12:01] Dad**
Off I go!
**[12:05] Ichi**
So, like... Dad pretty much supports
our household on his own, right?
**[12:10] Oso**
Yeah.
**[12:10] Ichi**
But we don't know what his job is, do we?
**[12:14] Oso**
No.
**[12:15] Ichi**
Let's go see what he does.
**[12:17] Oso**
Yeah.
***SIGN*** Matsu Matsu Trading
**[12:20] Ichi**
So this is where he works.
**[12:22] Oso**
Huh...
***SIGN*** Be Quiet
***SIGN*** Be Quiet
**[12:30] Oso**
This is basically an office
you'd see anywhere.
**[12:33] Oso**
Talk about déjà vu.
**[12:34] Ichi**
I wonder what his job actually is.
**[12:36] Oso**
Yeah, I have no idea.
**[12:42] Oso**
What? Wait, why?
**[12:48] Oso**
He put it back.
**[12:54] Both**
What?
**[12:56] Prez**
Matsuno-kun, good work.
**[12:58] Oso**
He just gave him money.
**[13:01] Oso**
What kind of job is this?
**[13:04] Ichi**
I wonder what he's making.
**[13:07] Ichi**
What is that?
**[13:11] Both**
Huh?!
**[13:15] Oso**
Stop hanging up. Answer it.
**[13:19] Oso**
Why is he dancing?
**[13:21] Prez**
Matsuno-kun, good work.
**[13:26] Oso**
Seriously, what *is* his job?
**[13:31] Dad**
I'm tired. I'm so tired!
**[13:35] Both**
Huh?
**[13:41] Ichi**
He froze?
**[13:44] Both**
Huh? Wha?
**[13:47] Both**
That's creepy! That's super creepy!
**[13:54] ---**
He finally answered it.
**[13:56] Dad**
sdkjhjfkdskjds
**[13:57] Dad**
alkdjfoirnkolerngfkj
**[14:01] Dad**
alskdjlakdoijfomk
**[14:04] Dad**
Matsuzou finish!
**[14:06] Both**
Holy shit!
**[14:09] Ichi**
Hey, he's going somewhere.
**[14:14] Oso**
Why's he climbing the side of a building?
**[14:22] Oso**
Wait, is Dad some kind of assassin?
**[14:25] Ichi**
Seriously?
**[14:41] Prez**
Matsuno-kun, you're promoted
to section chief as of tomorrow.
**[14:43] Dad**
Yes! Yes, yes, heck yes!
**[14:45] Ichi**
Huh?!
***SIGN*** End
**[14:46] Dad**
Yes! Yes, yes, heck yes!
**[14:46] Oso**
I have no idea what's going on.
***SIGN*** Master of Wit
Chibikyuu
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[14:56] Kara**
Wow... Do that one more time, Riceballs.
***SIGN*** "Voice Function"
**[15:02] Salmon**
I'm Jyushimatsu!
**[15:05] Plum**
I'm the cute youngest brother, Totty!
**[15:08] Salmon**
I'm Hatabou, jo.
**[15:10] Plum**
Dayon!
**[15:12] Kara**
You guys sound just like them!
What the heck?
**[15:15] Salmon**
This is our voice function.
**[15:16] Salmon**
We AI can recreate any
voice we've heard once.
**[15:21] Salmon**
Are you happy?
**[15:23] Plum**
Are you satisfied?
**[15:25] Kara**
I mean... Wow, that startled me.
**[15:27] Choro**
Yeah.
**[15:30] Kara**
What's up, Choromatsu?
**[15:32] Choro**
H-Hey, Riceballs... Is there any chance
you can do Totoko-chan's voice, too?
**[15:36] Both**
Why, yes! Of course!
**[15:38] Kara**
Seriously?!
**[15:39] Kara**
Then if we request a line, you'll be
able to say it in Totoko-chan's voice?
**[15:43] Both**
Yes!
**[15:43] Kara**
Seriously?!
**[15:44] Choro**
Seriously?!
**[15:45] Both**
Then, then, hey!
**[15:46] Kara**
Is this really okay?
**[15:48] Choro**
Yeah, I'm not sure.
**[15:50] Kara**
This may go against our morals.
**[15:51] Choro**
Especially if you think about
Totoko-chan's feelings.
**[15:54] Kara**
Maybe we shouldn't.
**[15:57] Kara**
Maybe just once.
**[15:58] Choro**
Yeah, just once.
**[16:01] Choro**
First, why don't we have her say our names?
**[16:04] Kara**
Our names... That's a perfect line.
Let's go with that.
**[16:08] Choro**
Riceballs, could you say my
name in Totoko-chan's voice?
**[16:13] Salmon**
Choromatsu-kun.
**[16:16] Kara**
Me, too!
**[16:18] Plum**
Karamatsu-kun.
**[16:20] Both**
Thanks for saying our names, Totoko-chan!
**[16:24] Both**
We're so sorry, Totoko-chan!
**[16:29] Kara**
Wanna try just one more time?
**[16:30] Choro**
Just once more.
**[16:33] Kara**
Hmm... What should our next line be?
**[16:36] Choro**
How about this?
**[16:38] Choro**
I love you.
**[16:39] Kara**
What?! We're already going that far?!
**[16:42] Kara**
Is that really okay?! Is anyone watching?!
**[16:44] Choro**
This is just for good measure!
**[16:45] Kara**
Good measure! Yeah!
**[16:48] Salmon**
I love you.
**[16:52] Plum**
I love you.
**[16:53] Kara**
I-I felt that one!
**[16:55] Choro**
I feel so full!
**[16:57] Kara**
Once more!
**[16:58] Salmon**
I love you.
**[16:59] Plum**
I love you.
**[17:00] Kara**
Could you add our names before that line?
**[17:02] Salmon**
Karamatsu-kun, I love you.
**[17:05] Plum**
Choromatsu-kun, I love you.
**[17:07] Choro**
I'm going to fly! So high!
**[17:09] Kara**
You already are.
**[17:11] Choro**
So are you, though!
**[17:13] Both**
We're so sorry, Totoko-chan!
**[17:17] Kara**
Wanna try just one more time?
**[17:19] Choro**
Just once more.
**[17:21] Choro**
What should our next line be?
**[17:24] ---**
...thing... ris...
**[17:25] Choro**
Huh? Say what?
**[17:26] Kara**
Something risqué...
**[17:28] Choro**
Huh?
**[17:28] Kara**
Something risqué...
**[17:30] Choro**
Risqué? What do you mean?
**[17:32] Kara**
I mean, you know... s-something dirty...
**[17:35] Choro**
Huh? Just spit it out already.
**[17:39] Kara**
You're an ass, you know that?!
You know exactly what I'm saying!
**[17:41] Kara**
You just don't want to say it yourself!
**[17:43] Choro**
I have no idea what you're talking about!
What do you want to hear Totoko-chan say?
**[17:47] Kara**
You know! Something involving our dicks!
**[17:50] Choro**
Is this really okay?!
No one's watching, are they?!
**[17:52] Kara**
Hey!
**[17:53] Choro**
Hey!
**[17:56] Choro**
Yeah, we probably shouldn't do that.
**[18:00] Kara**
Yeah, I know... But we want
to go as far as we can...
**[18:03] Choro**
I get it! Something that's within our
moral boundaries and still dirty.
**[18:07] Choro**
I wonder what it should be...
**[18:10] Kara**
Hey, how about this?
**[18:12] Kara**
Bukkake udon.
**[18:14] Choro**
No, that's too dirty. You went too far.
**[18:15] Kara**
I see.
**[18:17] Choro**
Hey, what about this?
**[18:18] Choro**
Privatization of Reclaimed
Lands in Perpetuity Act.
**[18:20] Kara**
Why do you want her to say that?
**[18:22] Choro**
No?
**[18:23] Kara**
How about this? Coccyx.
**[18:25] Choro**
How about this? Essex.
**[18:27] Kara**
Shabu-shabu.
**[18:28] Choro**
Mastication.
**[18:30] Kara**
Stimulated emission.
**[18:31] Choro**
Cummingtonite.
**[18:32] Kara**
Formication.
**[18:33] Choro**
Direct Opposing Rook.
**[18:35] Kara**
Lickety-split.
**[18:36] Choro**
Cockchafer.
**[18:38] Choro**
It's no use. We've gone in so many circles,
I don't know what's safe anymore.
**[18:42] Kara**
Let's stop messing around.
**[18:45] Kara**
I feel bad for Totoko-chan.
**[18:46] Choro**
Yeah.
**[18:47] Choro**
Let's stop.
**[18:52] Both**
We're done!
**[18:54] Kara**
Riceballs...
**[18:55] Kara**
Read this clearly and with
passion in Totoko-chan's voice!
**[18:59] Salmon**
Are you sure?
**[19:00] Choro**
Yes! We're trash! This is fine!
**[19:04] Both**
All right.
**[19:06] Salmon**
Here we go.
**[19:08] Salmon**
Coc—
**[19:10] Salmon**
Vagi— An—
**[19:12] Kara**
We're sorry!
**[19:13] Choro**
We're sorry!
**[19:14] Salmon**
—me harder! Harder—
**[19:16] Kara**
We're sorry!
**[19:17] Choro**
We're sorry!
**[19:19] Omu**
Fu—
**[19:20] Omu**
Mast—
**[19:21] Omu**
Play with my—
**[19:22] Omu**
In the—
**[19:23] Omu**
Harder—
**[19:24] Omusu**
Pussy—
**[19:27] Salmon**
There you have it.
**[19:28] Salmon**
Are you happy?
**[19:30] Plum**
Are you satisfied?
**[19:39] Both**
They're dead.
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
***SIGN*** "Governor Jyushimatsu"
**[19:46] Sign**
Let's Stand Firm,
Jyushimatsu Prefecture
**[19:47] Guy**
*We will now begin this routine
press conference with the*
**[19:50] Guy**
*Governor of Jyushimatsu
Prefecture, Jyushimatsu.*
**[19:53] Guy**
*We'll have time for a Q&A later.*
***SIGN*** Come on over to Jyushimatsu Prefecture Tourism Promotion Campaign
**[19:56] Guy**
*Governor, if you will.*
**[20:02] Guy**
*Governor.*
**[20:06] Guy**
*Governor?*
**[20:09] Guy**
Governor, if you will...
**[20:11] Jyushi**
Governor, if you will.
**[20:13] Guy**
No, you're the governor.
**[20:14] Jyushi**
Huh? The governor?
**[20:15] Guy**
Yes.
**[20:16] Jyushi**
Governor?
**[20:17] Guy**
No.
**[20:18] Jyushi**
Governor?
**[20:19] Guy**
Yes.
**[20:20] Jyushi**
Governor!
**[20:23] Guy**
* Please don't touch the mic,*
* Governor. Governor.*
**[20:29] Guy**
*Please remove that, Governor.*
**[20:31] Guy**
* Please go ahead with this*
* week's announcements.*
**[20:34] Jyushi**
Ahem.
**[20:38] Guy**
Governor.
**[20:40] Guy**
Governor.
**[20:42] Guy**
*Please don't touch the mic, Governor.*
**[20:43] Guy**
* Please go ahead with this*
* week's announcements.*
**[20:46] Jyushi**
Ahem.
**[20:48] Jyushi**
Well, it seems that the
people of our prefecture
**[20:52] Jyushi**
have been very vocal, detailed, and rather
bold regarding their regrets lately,
**[20:58] Jyushi**
*and I thought, "Oh, no. Oh, no, no."*
**[21:01] Jyushi**
*I regretfully understand how bad this is,*
**[21:04] Jyushi**
* but while we're on the subject,*
* or maybe we're not on the subject at all.*
**[21:08] Jyushi**
In regards to the regrets, I fundamentally
wholeheartedly understand
**[21:13] Jyushi**
this comprehensible untrodden intent and,
concerning the allegations,
**[21:19] Jyushi**
I strive to be bold as well as detailed,
**[21:22] Jyushi**
vague, hateful, yet unbelievable poker face.
***SIGN*** Come on over to
Jyushimatsu Prefecture
Tourism Promotion
Campaign
**[21:26] Jyushi**
That ends well all's well is.
**[21:28] ---**
Let's Stand Firm,
Jyushimatsu Prefecture
**[21:29] Jyushi**
Nope.
**[21:30] Jyushi**
All's well that ends well.
**[21:32] Jyushi**
That's not quite right, either.
**[21:35] Jyushi**
*As for everyone in the prefecture,*
**[21:38] Jyushi**
*I hope that you will warmly respect today,*
**[21:41] Jyushi**
never truly devoting yourself to the cause,
**[21:44] Jyushi**
and I fundamentally, symbolically,
unabashedly want to eat some offal.
**[21:49] Jyushi**
But while I regret to reform
you about your regrets,
**[21:54] Jyushi**
it cannot be helped to the point
that help cannot be helped
**[21:57] Jyushi**
and therefore, cannot be helped.
**[22:01] Jyushi**
So I hope that you will all praise so-and-so
Kamehameha James Rodriguez.
**[22:07] Jyushi**
*Thank you very much for watching today!*
**[22:12] Guy**
*Governor! Governor!*
**[22:15] Guy**
*How the hell did you get elected?!*
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
***SIGN*** "To the South" etc.
# E8 - To the South
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/G6GVNGP16/to-the-south)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
***SIGN*** To the south
***SIGN*** You're pretty good, Partner
***SIGN*** You're not too bad yourself
**[04:57] Dayon**
Dayon!
***SIGN*** All right, Partner, let's go
***SIGN*** To the south
***SIGN*** Dayon
***SIGN*** "Mt. Takao"
**[06:31] Choro**
*Good morning. I'm Choromatsu.*
**[06:34] Choro**
*Today, we're all going to Mt. Takao.*
**[06:38] Choro**
* Mt. Takao is a popular tourist*
* spot located in Hachioji.*
**[06:41] Choro**
* More people climb it per year than*
* any other mountain in the world.*
**[06:45] Choro**
*I'm so excited!*
**[06:50] Choro**
Guys, hurry up. We're gonna miss the train.
**[06:54] Ichi**
Here I am.
**[06:57] Choro**
You're taking this climb very lightly.
**[06:59] Choro**
Why are you wearing sandals?
**[07:01] Kara**
Sorry for the wait.
**[07:03] Choro**
Why do you have a guitar?
**[07:05] Todo**
All set!
***SIGN*** Sunscreen
**[07:08] Choro**
You're way too worried about sunburn!
**[07:10] Choro**
We're climbing a mountain, Todomatsu! A little sunburn comes with the territory!
**[07:18] Choro**
Huh?!
**[07:19] Choro**
I didn't plan on this mountain
trip being *that* hardcore!
**[07:23] Choro**
Wait, uh...
**[07:24] Choro**
Where's the last one?
**[07:38] Choro**
Wake up!
**[07:47] Oso**
Man, the local train is so empty
during the day on weekdays. I love it.
**[07:52] Oso**
Why don't most people ride around this time?
**[07:56] Choro**
Probably because they're working.
**[07:58] Jyushi**
If you go anywhere, going during
the day on a weekday is the best.
**[08:00] Jyushi**
It's never very crowded.
**[08:02] Todo**
Why doesn't everyone else do this?
Are they stupid?
**[08:06] Jyushi**
It's probably because they're working.
**[08:08] Kara**
I guess that makes us NEETs winners.
**[08:12] Jyushi**
True.
**[08:16] Ichi**
By the way, why are we
suddenly going to Mt. Takao?
**[08:20] Jyushi**
So that we NEETs can quell the tinge
of anxiety we feel from day to day.
**[08:26] Todo**
Exactly! If we take these
slightly longer trips,
**[08:29] Todo**
we feel like we've accomplished something,
and we feel a little better emotionally.
**[08:32] Todo**
That's what we're after here.
**[08:34] Ichi**
I see.
**[08:36] All**
Being NEETs is the best!
**[08:42] Choro**
Enough nonsense, you guys.
Here, just read this.
**[08:45] Ichi**
The hell is this?
***SIGN*** Trip Guide
Mt. Takao
**[08:48] Choro**
A trip guide!
**[08:49] All**
Guide?
**[08:51] Choro**
I worked extra hard on these just
so we could use them today.
**[08:55] Oso**
I can't even fully express how
disgusted I am with you right now.
**[08:58] Choro**
Don't be disgusted with me!
**[09:00] Kara**
Hey!
**[09:01] Kara**
This guide...
**[09:03] Kara**
doesn't seem to include my solo concert!
**[09:06] Choro**
Why the hell would it?
***SIGN*** 7 AM Wake up
8 AM Kichijoji Station
8:20 AM Meidaimae Station
9:20 AM Takaosanguchi Station
Commemorative Photo
10:40 AM Reach the top
Commemorative Photo
12 PM Lunch
**[09:07] Todo**
Uh... aren't there a lot
of commemorative photos?
***SIGN*** 1 PM Observatory
Commemorative Photo
3 PM Yakuo-in Temple
Commemorative Photo
**[09:11] Todo**
That's gonna be pretty
rough with six guys.
**[09:13] Jyushi**
The recreation sucks, too.
***SIGN*** 5 PM Recreation
Shiritori
Bingo
Hide and seek
7 PM Campfire
Commemorative Photo
Let's all talk about our dreams.
**[09:15] Jyu**
Shiritori, bingo, hide and seek...
Yeah, this is hell.
**[09:19] Ichi**
Hey, what the hell is this
about a campfire at the end?
**[09:22] Ichi**
"L-Let's all talk about our dreams"?
***SIGN*** 7 PM Campfire
Commemorative Photo
Let's all talk about our dreams.
**[09:25] Oso**
With six guys?
**[09:28] Todo**
At Mt. Takao?
**[09:31] Choro**
We're doing this! Got it?!
**[09:33] Choro**
I took the time to figure this all out!
**[09:35] Choro**
You'll do as I say!
**[09:44] Choro**
We're transferring here.
**[09:45] Some**
Yeah...
**[09:48] Choro**
One more transfer.
**[09:50] Choro**
Next, we're transferring over here.
**[09:54] Ichi**
It *is* super easy on us to have someone like
him, though. All we have to do is follow him.
**[10:00] Oso**
It is pretty helpful.
**[10:02] Kara**
Choromatsu, sorry for getting
on your case earlier.
**[10:05] All**
Sorry.
**[10:13] Todo**
Where the hell are we?!
**[10:15] Todo**
We're not getting any closer to
the mountain, Choromatsu-niisan!
**[10:18] Jyushi**
We're lost, aren't we?
**[10:19] Ichi**
Come on...
**[10:21] Choro**
No, we're not lost.
**[10:23] Kara**
Uh, but...
**[10:24] Choro**
We're not lost.
**[10:25] Kara**
Wha—
**[10:26] Choro**
We're not lost. We're not lost.
We're not lost. We're not lost.
**[10:28] Todo**
Dude, you're creeping me out...
***SIGN*** Ticket
***SIGN*** Ticket
**[10:40] Jyu**
Huh?
**[10:42] Jyushi**
Crap. I don't have my ticket.
**[10:44] Todo**
What? Jeez...
**[10:46] Ichi**
I don't have mine, either.
**[10:47] Todo**
What?!
**[10:48] Kara**
Me, neither.
**[10:49] Todo**
Huh?!
**[10:49] Kara**
Osomatsu, do you have your ticket?
**[10:52] Oso**
What's a ticket?
**[10:54] Todo**
Uh, hello?! Adults supposedly over 20!
**[10:57] Todo**
Er, Choromatsu-niisan, there's no
point in looking through the guide.
**[11:00] Todo**
It's not gonna solve anything for you.
**[11:16] Choro**
What are you doing?
**[11:17] Jyushi**
Be careful! Ya never know what's
gonna happen on the mountain!
**[11:20] Choro**
We're not there yet.
**[11:22] Todo**
Hmm... How far should we go?
**[11:25] Todo**
It's too hard to go all the way to the summit.
***SIGN*** Yakuo-in Temple
**[11:28] Choro**
How about we go to Yakuo-in, then?
**[11:30] Choro**
Let's pay our respects there.
**[11:32] Todo**
Oh, nice. We should get going, then.
I don't want it to get dark.
**[11:35] Choro**
Yeah. So... which way to the mountain?
**[11:39] Kara**
The mountain's that way.
**[11:41] Jyushi**
Huh? How can you tell, Karamatsu-niisan?
**[11:44] Kara**
How can I tell, you ask?
**[11:46] Kara**
That's because... the mountain's calling to me.
**[11:49] Jyushi**
That's awesome!
**[11:51] Todo**
The mountain's this way.
**[11:55] Choro**
Hey, wait. We're not all here.
**[12:04] Todo**
It's too early to buy gifts!
Let's buy them on our way home.
***SIGN*** Myount Takao Gifts
**[12:07] Todo**
Also, do you even need that katana?
**[12:09] Oso**
It's so cool.
**[12:10] Jyushi**
So cool!
**[12:11] Choro**
Jyushimatsu! You don't need to buy one!
**[12:16] Ichi**
I guess I'm not going to find Ichimatsu.
**[12:19] Jyushi**
I found Matsuno, though!
**[12:20] Ichi**
For real?!
**[12:24] Choro**
Seriously, save the souvenirs for later!
**[12:27] Todo**
Instagram likes, here I come!
**[12:28] Choro**
Don't wander off, Todomatsu!
**[13:01] Choro**
Food later! We need to go to the temple first!
***SIGN*** Cable Car Station
***SIGN*** Lift Station
**[13:09] Jyushi**
Which should we take?
**[13:11] Todo**
It's hard to decide.
**[13:13] Todo**
Seriously, put down the guide.
**[13:14] Kara**
My brothers...
**[13:16] Kara**
Do you really want to rely on civilization?
**[13:20] Kara**
The mountain's crying!
**[13:22] Kara**
Let's walk up!
**[13:24] Kara**
Let's work together to... own this mountain!
**[13:28] Todo**
But if we walk up, it's going
to take almost two hours.
**[13:32] Kara**
Huh?
**[13:33] Oso**
Go ahead.
**[13:34] Jyushi**
Go for it.
**[13:36] Choro**
Osomatsu-niisan, should we
take the cable car or lift?
**[13:40] Oso**
Who cares? Why don't we just split up?
**[13:45] Todo**
Who's going on the cable car?
**[13:46] Choro**
Me.
**[13:47] Jyu**
Who's going on the lift?
**[13:49] Oso**
Sure.
**[13:51] Jyu**
What about you, Ichimatsu-niisan?
**[13:52] Ichi**
I'm not sure. This is a hard decision.
**[13:55] Todo**
The cable car's totally better. It's safer.
**[13:58] Jyushi**
But the lift's way more exciting!
**[14:01] Choro**
But the view from the cable
car tends to be better.
**[14:05] Kara**
We need to feel that wind! Lift it is!
**[14:08] Jyushi**
What are you going to do, Ichimatsu-niisan?
**[14:09] Ichi**
It's a really hard decision. The kind
that makes your personality come out.
**[14:13] Kara**
Take the lift, I'm telling you!
***SIGN*** Tickets
Welcome
Cable Car Lift Groups
**[14:14] ---**
I say cable car!
**[14:15] ---**
Feel the wind!
**[14:17] ---**
It's the lift you want!
**[14:22] All**
What should we do?
**[14:23] Oso**
Can we just decide already?!
**[14:26] Choro**
So we're good with the lift?
**[14:27] All**
Yeah.
**[14:28] Choro**
Okay, then...
**[14:28] Kara**
N-Now, hang on!
**[14:30] Kara**
This is pretty expensive!
**[14:35] Ichi**
Wh-What should we do?
**[14:37] Todo**
I dunno.
**[14:38] Kara**
I didn't expect to face an obstacle like this...
**[14:40] Jyushi**
Is there a NEET discount?
**[14:42] Oso**
Of course not.
**[14:48] Jyushi**
Hey, I've got a great idea!
***SIGN*** One Way Round Trip
**[14:57] Todo**
The mountain! We're going up the mountain!
**[15:00] Choro**
Six for the kids' pwice pwease!
**[15:02] Ichi**
Pwease!
**[15:03] Jyushi**
We're kids!
**[15:04] Oso**
Kids!
**[15:06] All**
Kids' pwice!
***SIGN*** One way Foot of the mountain -> Summit
***SIGN*** Operation Hours
**[15:11] Oso**
Damn it... She charged full price.
Mt. Takao pulls no punches.
**[15:15] Kara**
Yeah, we gave it too little credit.
**[15:20] Ichi**
I can't anymore.
**[15:22] Todo**
That was fast. We haven't even
gone up the mountain yet.
**[15:25] Ichi**
My feet are going to fall off.
**[15:26] Todo**
Why did you even wear sandals?
**[15:29] Kara**
We're gonna be getting on in pairs.
We should decide who's going with who.
**[15:32] Oso**
What? That's gross.
**[15:34] Oso**
We can just go one by one.
**[15:36] Choro**
We can't. We'd be
inconveniencing other people.
**[15:39] Choro**
Let's decide the pairs with rock-paper-scissors.
**[15:42] Choro**
Here we go. Ready, and...
**[15:44] All**
Shoot.
**[15:45] All**
Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.
**[15:48] Jyushi**
There it is!
**[15:52] Kara**
Good for you. Sitting next to me
is a treat, you lucky bastard, you.
**[15:57] Ichi**
Totty, will you switch with me?
**[16:00] Todo**
Huh? Switch? Really?!
**[16:04] Ichi**
Nah, never mind. Both options sorta suck.
**[16:06] Todo**
Right?
**[16:07] Both**
What's that supposed to mean?
**[16:08] Choro**
Wanna switch?
**[16:11] All**
Yeah, no way in hell.
**[16:12] Choro**
I figured.
**[16:13] Oso**
What's that supposed to mean?
**[16:17] Oso**
Wait, why are you shaking?
**[16:19] Oso**
What's wrong?
**[16:20] Choro**
H-How do you get on a lift?
**[16:23] Oso**
Huh?
**[16:23] Choro**
Crap... I-I might not be able to do this.
**[16:25] Oso**
It's easy. You just stand there and it'll
come to you, then you just sit down.
**[16:29] Choro**
I'm getting nervous...
**[16:41] Oso**
Hey, you okay?
**[16:44] Oso**
Wha—
**[16:45] Oso**
Why the hell would you dodge it?!
**[16:49] Kara**
Hey!
**[16:51] Jyushi**
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
**[16:56] Kara**
The mountain and me...
**[16:58] Kara**
The mountain and me! The mountain and me!
**[17:04] Oso**
I'm so hyped! Woo!
**[17:08] Choro**
Stop moving around so much! It's dangerous!
**[17:11] Oso**
Hey, just look.
**[17:20] Jyushi**
Say, Totty... Could you take
some pictures of me, too?
**[17:24] Todo**
Nope. I'm taking these to look like
I came to Mt. Takao on my own.
**[17:29] Jyushi**
What?
**[17:30] Todo**
If I take pictures with you guys,
I'll get fewer likes.
**[17:33] Jyushi**
What?!
**[17:34] Todo**
Here, take my picture.
**[17:37] Jyushi**
Okay!
**[17:38] Todo**
Huh? Hey, wait! What?!
**[17:41] Todo**
Hey! Why'd you post that?!
**[17:44] Jyushi**
Maybe they'll think we're on a date.
**[17:47] Todo**
The horror!
**[17:49] Oso**
Hey, guys!
**[17:51] Oso**
Aren't you glad we came today?
**[17:53] Oso**
Being NEETs is awesome! Yay!
**[17:55] All**
Yay!
***SIGN*** Caution High Voltage
**[18:01] Girl**
Oh, stop. I'm going to fall!
**[18:09] Oso**
Hope you find happiness!
**[18:10] Choro**
Don't cheat on each other, okay?
**[18:11] Both**
Don't forget the birth control!
**[18:13] Both**
Make sure you wear protection!
***SIGN*** Say cheese!
***SIGN*** Photo Spot
***SIGN*** Photo Op
**[18:20] Photographer**
Okay, I'm gonna take the picture!
**[18:26] Kara**
The hell is up with these poses?
I can't believe he got these!
***SIGN*** 1 Photo 700 yen
**[18:29] Ichi**
I sorta want these.
**[18:31] Oso**
I know! I totally want these!
**[18:34] Guy**
Thank you very much.
One photo will be 700 yen.
**[18:38] All**
Nah, that's okay.
**[18:39] Guy**
Huh?
**[18:40] Jyushi**
We're flat broke, so...
**[18:42] Guy**
Huh?
**[18:48] Ichi**
I-I can't anymore...
**[18:51] Oso**
Damn it, this katana's in the way.
**[19:01] Todo**
I'm done...
**[19:06] Jyushi**
Toughen up, men! Walk! Walk!
**[19:18] All**
Wow, this is amazing!
**[19:21] Choro**
It's so pretty! This feels great!
**[19:23] Ichi**
The air's so different up here.
**[19:25] Kara**
Yeah, it's just so refreshing.
**[19:27] Todo**
Wanna take a photo?
**[19:29] All**
Sheeeh!
**[19:34] Ichi**
It's good.
**[19:36] Jyushi**
Yum!
**[19:42] Kara**
Uh, hey.
**[19:44] Kara**
Hey, now.
**[19:45] Kara**
Hey!
**[20:13] Oso**
Man, that was satisfying.
**[20:15] Ichi**
Okay, let's go home.
**[20:17] Choro**
Wait, wait, wait.
**[20:18] Choro**
We need to pay our respects!
We're going to Yakuo-in!
**[20:35] Oso**
Damn it, again?
**[20:38] Jyushi**
It's pretty long...
**[20:43] All**
Hey!
**[20:45] Oso**
No fair using a truck! Get off, damn it!
**[20:46] Jyushi**
You cheaters!
**[20:49] Ichi**
Nope. I'm done.
**[20:51] kara**
Let's give up.
**[20:52] Oso**
This is far enough.
**[20:54] Kara**
Let's go home.
**[20:55] Ichi**
We can't...
**[20:58] Choro**
*We were always like this.*
**[21:01] Choro**
* Whenever we started something,*
* we'd immediately make excuses, run away,*
**[21:05] Choro**
*and never accomplish anything.*
**[21:09] Choro**
*But this time was different.*
**[21:12] Choro**
*We didn't want to give up.*
**[21:14] Choro**
* We felt like if we reached our goal,*
* something inside us would change.*
**[21:20] Choro**
*Yes...*
**[21:21] Choro**
*In order to fight against the*
**[21:23] Choro**
* shitty routine that would*
* come for us again tomorrow.*
**[21:26] Choro**
*We didn't want to give up.*
**[21:37] Choro**
*And then...*
**[21:39] Choro**
*We finally made it.*
**[21:42] Choro**
*We finally did it.*
**[21:45] Choro**
*It may be trivial,*
**[21:47] Choro**
*but we pulled through.*
**[21:50] Choro**
*Even we can do this.*
**[21:53] Choro**
*Or so we thought...*
**[21:57] Choro**
*But this was all...*
***SIGN*** End
**[21:59] Choro**
*an illusion.*
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[23:34] Jyushi**
Jyushimatsu here!
**[23:36] Jyushi**
In the next episode of *Mr. Osomatsu*,
we're going to try to do chores!
**[23:40] Jyushi**
Chores from above, chores from below.
**[23:43] Jyushi**
Chores from the right, chores from the left.
**[23:46] Jyushi**
I wanna know what chores everyone's good at.
***SIGN*** "Let's Do Chores" etc.
**[23:49] Jyushi**
I don't wanna know what
chores everyone's good at.
# E9 - Let's Do Chores
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/GR5J2VX5R/lets-do-chores)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
***SIGN*** "Sheeeh"
**[01:40] Ichi**
Ron.
**[01:42] Ichi**
12,000.
**[01:43] Oso**
Sheeeh!
**[01:44] Kara**
Damn, that's a lot!
**[01:50] Todo**
Boo!
**[01:51] Choro**
Sheeeh!
**[01:52] Choro**
Stop that! I almost had a heart attack.
**[01:55] Todo**
That was awesome!
**[01:57] Shake**
I wonder what "sheeeh" is.
**[01:59] Ume**
I wonder.
**[02:03] Jyushi**
Huh? You want me to explain
what "sheeeh" is?
**[02:07] Shake**
Yes. We do not know what "sheeeh" is.
**[02:10] Ume**
We do not.
**[02:15] Jyushi**
We should ask its creator, then.
**[02:18] Both**
Creator?
**[02:20] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[02:22] Iyami**
Y-Y-You don't know what "sheeeh" is?
**[02:28] Iyami**
You don't know what "sheeeh" is?
**[02:31] Iyami**
You're telling me you don't
know what "sheeeh" is?!
**[02:36] Jyushi**
Whoa! Iyami, are you okay?
**[02:39] Jyushi**
D-Don't take it personally.
**[02:40] Jyushi**
They just popped up recently, so it's not
surprising they don't know what it is.
**[02:46] Iyami**
Hmph.
**[02:52] Jyushi**
A scrapbook! You actually made one?
**[02:56] Shake**
Is "sheeeh" widely known, then?
**[02:58] Ume**
Is it that famous?
**[03:01] Iyami**
Of course it is!
**[03:02] Jyushi**
Calm down, Iyami.
**[03:04] iyami**
"Sheeeh" is legendary gag from the Showa
Era created by me, a star comedian.
**[03:09] Iyami**
Back in the day, everyone mimicked it!
**[03:12] Iyami**
The original *Osomatsu-kun* wouldn't
have been popular without it!
**[03:15] Iyami**
Which means Akatsuka Fujio-chan
would've gone hungry, too!
**[03:19] Iyami**
The stupid sextuplets
wouldn't have been famous,
**[03:21] Iyami**
and the anime wouldn't be
airing again in the Reiwa Era!
**[03:23] Iyami**
Studio Pierrot would've gone bankrupt,
**[03:24] Iyami**
and you new characters
never would've shown up!
**[03:27] Iyami**
"Sheeeh" is the start of everything!
**[03:29] Iyami**
How dare you be in this series
without knowing that?!
**[03:33] Jyushi**
Calm down, Iyami.
**[03:35] Shake**
Understood.
**[03:36] Ume**
Understood.
**[03:38] Shake**
But I don't think "famous" is
the correct way to describe it.
**[03:42] Ume**
I don't believe it is.
**[03:44] Iyami**
Hmm?
**[03:45] Jyushi**
Uh, hey...
**[03:46] Shake**
For example, we're from the Reiwa
Era and we'd never heard of it.
**[03:50] Shake**
It would appear that this is something
from more than sixty years ago.
**[03:55] Ume**
Therefore, it would be hard to believe
**[03:57] Ume**
something so old would be so
well-known in the present.
**[04:01] Ume**
I'd say the level of recognition is 4.
**[04:03] Shake**
Which would mean that "it used
to be famous" is a better way
**[04:06] Shake**
to describe it than "it is famous."
**[04:08] Both**
"Sheeeh" is a thing from the past
that is now just an awkward gag.
**[04:11] Both**
We believe that this is more accurate.
**[04:19] Iyami**
What agency do they belong to?
**[04:22] Iyami**
How long have they been in the business?
**[04:24] Iyami**
They're newbies still in their first year, right?
**[04:27] Iyami**
You're gonna let them talk
to a veteran like that?
**[04:30] Iyami**
They didn't even come greet
me before the show started.
**[04:34] Iyami**
Me could see that they never work in
this business again if me wanted to.
**[04:37] Iyami**
Are they those 7th-generation
comedians I keep hearing about?
**[04:41] Iyami**
This is what happens when you don't
properly teach these young'uns.
**[04:49] Jyushi**
So... let's respect our elders.
**[04:52] Jyushi**
That was a bit rude.
**[04:54] Shake**
Apparently, we were rude,
so we humbly apologize.
**[04:58] Ume**
We apologize.
**[05:00] Iyami**
As long as you understand.
**[05:02] Iyami**
If you want to make a living off of a gag anime,
you need to know more legendary gags.
**[05:09] Shake**
Gag?
**[05:10] Ume**
Gag.
**[05:11] Shake**
I don't believe that's the correct
way to describe that, either.
**[05:14] Ume**
I don't think so, either.
**[05:15] Jyushi**
Uh, hey!
***SIGN*** A short phrase or action inserted in the course of a conversation or activity that has nothing to do with whatever is going on and brings about laughter. Also known as a joke or a quip.
**[05:17] Shake**
A gag is a humorous saying or
action that makes people laugh.
**[05:24] Ume**
But the expectation value
***SIGN*** Current expectation value for someone in the present laughing at "Sheeeh"
**[05:25] Ume**
that someone in present times
will laugh at "sheeeh" is 0.1%.
**[05:29] Shake**
For example, if you were to enter a comedy
competition with "sheeeh" as your weapon,
**[05:32] Shake**
is it possible for you to become a finalist?
**[05:35] Ume**
It is not. The farthest you'd
get is the second round.
**[05:37] Shake**
It's not funny. Meaning it doesn't
mean the requirements for a gag.
**[05:40] Ume**
Is there a reason for unfunny lines
or actions from the Showa Era
**[05:43] Ume**
to exist in the Reiwa Era?
**[05:46] Both**
Is there any possibility of winning?
What do you think?
**[05:52] Iyami**
What agency do they belong to?
**[05:55] Iyami**
How long have they been in the business?
**[05:57] Iyami**
If they were my students, me would've
beaten them to a pulp already.
***SIGN*** Junmai Ginjo Sake
Shie
**[06:02] Iyami**
Leave.
**[06:03] Shake**
Please!
**[06:04] Ume**
Please!
**[06:06] Shake**
We'd like to know more about "sheeeh."
**[06:09] Shake**
The sextuplets always seem
to have fun using it,
**[06:12] Shake**
but we AI don't understand it.
**[06:15] Ume**
Don't go back inside. We'd like to
understand "sheeeh" a little bit more.
**[06:20] Both**
Please teach us the way
of the sheeeh, master.
**[06:23] Jyushi**
R-Riceballs...
**[06:43] Iyami**
What do you think you're doing?
Get over here already.
**[06:46] Iyami**
Me will teach you.
**[06:48] Jyushi**
Iyami, are you sure?
**[06:50] Iyami**
It's part of a veteran's job to
make sure our legacies live on.
**[06:54] Iyami**
And...
**[06:56] Iyami**
Look at this pathetic
world we're in right now.
**[06:59] Iyami**
We will need powerful gags soon,
**[07:02] Iyami**
and me wants to hand those off
to the younger generation.
**[07:06] Jyushi**
I-Iyami!
**[07:10] Iyami**
This is special.
**[07:12] Iyami**
This is the one and only original sheeeh!
**[07:18] Iyami**
What's the holdup? Just do what I do!
**[07:22] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[07:23] Riceballs**
Sh-Sheeeh!
**[07:25] Iyami**
Too soft! Sheeeh!
**[07:27] Riceballs**
Sheeeh!
**[07:28] Iyami**
It needs more oomph!
**[07:29] Iyami**
The raised arm needs to be as straight
as possible, bending just your wrist.
**[07:33] Iyami**
The lower arm should be parallel
to the ground, like this.
**[07:36] Iyami**
Like this! This!
**[07:38] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[07:39] Riceballs**
Sheeeh!
**[07:40] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[07:41] Riceballs**
Sheeeh!
**[07:42] Iyami**
Sheeeh! Sheeeh! Sheeeh!
**[07:46] Iyami**
Sh-Sheeeh! Sh-Sheeeh!
**[07:48] Iyami**
Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh...
**[07:50] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[07:57] Iyami**
This is the power of a true legend.
**[07:59] Shake**
Excuse me.
**[08:01] Shake**
It's not that we actually
want to *do* "sheeeh."
**[08:04] Ume**
It's not.
**[08:11] Shake**
We want you to explain
to us what "sheeeh" is.
**[08:15] Shake**
What exactly is the true nature of "sheeeh"?
**[08:18] Iyami**
T...
**[08:19] Iyami**
True nature?
**[08:21] Ume**
What exactly is the meaning of sheeeh?
**[08:23] Iyami**
M-Meaning?
**[08:24] Shake**
Why does this gag exist?
**[08:27] Ume**
Why exactly do you do it?
**[08:29] Shake**
What is the cause-and-effect
relationship between raising
**[08:32] Shake**
your foot and angling your arms?
**[08:33] Ume**
What's so funny about
this in the first place?
**[08:36] Shake**
What does it mean to be funny?
**[08:38] Ume**
What's the point of this gag?
**[08:39] Shake**
What's the point of "sheeeh"?
**[08:40] Riceballs**
Why does it exist in this world?
**[08:44] Iyami**
Sh-Sheeeh is...
**[08:48] Iyami**
Sh-Sheh... Huh? M-Me is overthinking
it now and me doesn't know...
**[08:55] Iyami**
Is this it?
**[08:57] Iyami**
How did me do it all this time? Sheh?!
**[09:00] Iyami**
Sheps?!
**[09:11] Riceballs**
We're done now.
**[09:12] Jyushi**
Huh? Oh, you're done?
**[09:15] Riceballs**
Sheeeh!
**[09:18] Jyushi**
It's still not as sharp as it could be.
**[09:20] Jyushi**
But thank goodness you got
the master to teach you.
**[09:24] Jyushi**
Hey, where's Iyami?
**[09:29] Sign**
Me has left on a journey
Please don't search for me
Iyami
**[09:29] Iyami**
* Me has left on a journey.*
* Please don't search for me.*
**[09:32] Jyushi**
What?! Why?!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Totonya's
***SIGN*** Shorts Series
**[09:38] Toto**
Totonya's...
**[09:39] Nya**
...Shorts Series!
***SIGN*** Outfit
**[09:41] Both**
Outfit!
***SIGN*** No Smoking
**[09:49] Toto**
I just don't get it.
**[09:51] Toto**
How are you more popular than me?
**[09:54] Toto**
I'm definitely cuter,
I'm a better singer and dancer,
**[09:58] Toto**
my personality rules,
and I'm basically perfect.
**[10:01] Toto**
It just doesn't make sense.
What should I do?
**[10:06] Nya**
Why don't you quit the fish thing?
**[10:09] Nya**
No one likes a fish idol.
There's no demand for one.
**[10:20] Nya**
Quit being a fish!
**[10:26] Nyaa**
If you want to be popular...
**[10:28] Nyaa**
Quit being a fish!
**[10:35] Nyaa**
Why are you so obsessed with this thing?!
**[10:40] Nyaa**
See?! You're way cuter this way,
and you'll be way more popular...
**[11:07] Nyaa**
How many of these do you have?!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** "Let's Do Chores"
**[11:16] Birbs**
Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp,
chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp...
**[11:20] Birbs**
Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp,
chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp...
**[11:24] Birbs**
Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp,
chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp...
**[11:40] ---**
Neighborhood
Bulletin
**[11:56] Oso**
Hey, Mom.
**[11:58] Mom**
What?
**[11:59] Oso**
The salmon was a bit burnt.
Be more careful next time.
**[12:02] Kara**
We're counting on you, Mommy.
**[12:03] Todo**
And could you make the fried
eggs a little runnier next time?
**[12:06] Jyushi**
I think the food the Riceballs made
for us the other day was better.
**[12:10] Choro**
True. Mom, why don't you learn
how to cook from the AI?
**[12:15] Oso**
Huh?
**[12:19] All**
Huh?
**[12:21] Oso**
M-Mom?
**[12:23] Mom**
I'm not doing chores anymore.
**[12:25] All**
What?!
**[12:26] Mom**
I won't be cooking, or cleaning, or doing laundry.
**[12:30] Mom**
You can all do those on your own now.
**[12:33] All**
Mom?!
**[12:36] Kara**
H-Hey... What are we going to do about this?
**[12:39] Jyushi**
This happened because you said
something so awful, Osomatsu-niisan.
**[12:42] Oso**
Hey, what you said was worse!
**[12:44] Choro**
Wh-What should we do from now on?
**[12:48] Todo**
Let's do the chores for today.
**[12:52] All**
Huh?
**[12:52] Oso**
Come on, now. No way.
**[12:54] Todo**
We were mean to Mom,
so it'll be punishment for that.
**[12:57] Oso**
Nope, nope, nope.
**[12:58] Todo**
At least, that's what it'll look like.
**[13:02] Todo**
But really, if we don't get
Mom back in a good mood now,
**[13:05] Todo**
our survival as NEETs may be in danger.
**[13:11] Oso**
Let's do those chores!
**[13:12] Kara**
Yes, right now!
**[13:18] Oso**
Fanks!
**[13:20] Choro**
Hey!
**[13:21] Choro**
Don't just throw them in there inside-out.
**[13:24] Choro**
It's a pain to have to reverse them.
**[13:27] Oso**
Huh? But isn't it better
if they're inside-out?
**[13:31] Oso**
I mean, it's the inside that stinks
and soaks up all the sweat.
**[13:36] Oso**
That goes for underwear, too.
The side that your dick touched is dirty.
**[13:40] Oso**
So what's wrong with throwing
them in there like that?
**[13:44] Oso**
What? You gonna tell me I'm wrong?
**[13:51] Choro**
I'll go ahead and wash that
smug heart for you, as well.
**[14:07] Ichi**
Wee-ooh!
**[14:10] Ichi**
The vacuum cleaner is an ambulance!
**[14:12] Ichi**
If you hear it coming, move out of the way!
**[14:14] Ichi**
The vacuum cleaner is an ambulance!
**[14:19] Kara**
Th-The grill... is so hard to clean.
**[14:23] Kara**
Hey, you guys! We're never eating grilled
fish in this household ever again!
**[14:28] Kara**
Got it?!
**[14:30] Choro**
Hey.
**[14:32] Choro**
Man, why couldn't the Riceballs
be around at a time like this?
**[14:37] Ichi**
#*$^%(@ the toilet seat $*@#(%!
**[14:39] Ichi**
The toilet seat! #*$^%(@
the toilet seat $*@#(%!
**[14:40] Choro**
What? I have no idea what you're saying!
**[14:42] Choro**
Calm down, Ichimatsu!
**[14:44] Ichi**
Put the toilet seat down,
sit, and take a piss.
**[14:48] Ichi**
You're gonna get your filth everywhere!
**[14:51] Choro**
What? It's not gonna get everywhere.
**[14:54] Ichi**
You try cleaning it.
You'll see how much it gets around.
**[14:58] Ichi**
Now clean it. Clean it yourself.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
**[15:08] Choro**
Let's put the toilet seat
down and sit before peeing.
**[15:19] Both**
#*$^%(@ the toilet seat $*@#(%!
**[15:20] Oso**
Huh?! What?!
**[15:24] Todo**
Bath towels dry quicker if
you hang them up diagonally.
**[15:28] Todo**
That's what it says on the internet.
**[15:33] Todo**
The best thing for stains
in carpets is vinegar.
**[15:37] Todo**
You should be using baking
soda for oil stains!
**[15:40] Todo**
Use mandarin peels to get rid
of smells in the microwave!
**[15:42] Todo**
You'll get less pilling on sweaters
if you turn them inside-out.
**[15:46] Todo**
To get rid of water scale,
use salt and grapefruit...
**[15:53] Ichi**
Chores aren't gonna get done with
internet wisdom alone, dumbass!
**[15:56] Kara**
Move your body!
**[15:58] Jyushi**
You moron!
**[16:03] Todo**
Oh, God! It's gonna rip off!
**[16:09] Ichi**
Hey.
**[16:10] Ichi**
What are we going to do
about dinner tonight?
**[16:13] Choro**
Oh, good point.
**[16:17] Oso**
Are you going shopping?
**[16:18] Ichi**
Yeah. I'm gonna go to the supermarket.
**[16:20] Oso**
What about money?
**[16:21] Ichi**
Mom gave me some.
**[16:22] Oso**
Oh, really? GLHF.
**[16:25] Ichi**
You're coming with me.
**[16:27] Ichi**
You're the only one who
hasn't done anything yet.
**[16:29] Ichi**
I'm onto you.
**[16:32] Jyushi**
GLHF.
**[16:51] Todo**
I can't... fold... long-sleeved T-shirts!
**[16:55] Todo**
I want to murder something!
**[17:01] Kara**
Whew, good grief. I'm finally done.
**[17:09] Kara**
Heh... Finished.
**[17:19] Kara**
*I-It's neverending...*
**[17:21] Kara**
*What's going on?*
**[17:23] Kara**
* Could it be that I'm washing dishes*
* only to produce more dishes to wash?!*
***SIGN*** Akatsuka
Mart
**[17:35] Oso**
Hey, look, Ichimatsu.
***SIGN*** As Advertised
***SIGN*** Bankun
***SIGN*** As Advertised
***SIGN*** Schau Rassen
**[17:37] Oso**
I never knew wieners cost so much.
**[17:41] Ichi**
I had no idea.
**[17:43] Ichi**
I guess that's why we only get
to eat them every now and then.
***SIGN*** Miso, Dashi
***SIGN*** Dried Food, Nori
**[17:48] Oso**
Hey, look, Ichimatsu.
**[17:50] Oso**
Roasted nori's so expensive!
***SIGN*** Roasted Nori
***SIGN*** Seasonal Item
***SIGN*** Roasted Nori
**[17:51] Oso**
I never knew roasted nori cost so much.
**[17:54] Ichi**
I had no idea.
**[17:55] Ichi**
I guess that's why Mom gets mad
at us if we just keep eating it.
**[18:11] Lady**
This register's open!
**[18:14] Oso**
Congrats. You ended up picking
the line that'll take the longest.
**[18:23] Ichi**
Hey! Don't just throw whatever in there!
**[18:24] Ichi**
Take all that out!
**[18:26] Ichi**
Seriously... Why would you put
anything soft at the bottom?
**[18:30] Ichi**
You put the solid, heavy stuff at the bottom.
**[18:32] Ichi**
Like these cans or the breast meat!
**[18:35] Ichi**
Got it?
**[18:40] Ichi**
How in the world?
**[18:41] Ichi**
Divide them so each bag
weighs about the same.
**[18:44] Ichi**
They'll be hard to carry otherwise.
**[18:48] Ichi**
Hang on a second!
**[18:50] Ichi**
Don't put prepared side dishes in as-is!
You need to put them in plastic bags.
**[19:02] Ichi**
The hell are you doing?
**[19:08] Ichi**
What the hell are you doing?
**[19:13] Choro**
So cold! The pain!
**[19:29] Ichi**
They're so heavy...
**[19:30] Oso**
So heavy...
**[19:32] Oso**
I guess shopping is hard labor.
**[19:35] Ichi**
Mom deserves to be paid.
**[19:39] Oso**
Whoa.
**[19:40] Oso**
Look at the time...
**[19:42] Oso**
I guess it takes a while.
**[19:44] Ichi**
Let's hurry home. My hands hurt.
**[19:47] Oso**
Yeah.
**[19:50] Ichi**
Tissue boxes and toilet paper
are pretty cheap, today only.
***SIGN*** Akatsuka Drugs
**[19:54] Ichi**
Should we buy some?
**[19:56] Oso**
Uh, how?
**[19:57] Oso**
We already have so much to carry.
**[19:59] Ichi**
But it's only for today. And they're cheap.
**[20:02] Oso**
Let's not. I can't carry any more.
**[20:04] Ichi**
But it's today only.
**[20:06] Oso**
What?
**[20:09] Oso**
Should we buy some, then?
**[20:11] Ichi**
But it'd be heavy.
**[20:12] Oso**
But it's cheap.
**[20:13] Ichi**
But it's heavy.
**[20:14] Oso**
But it's cheap.
**[20:14] Ichi**
But it's heavy.
**[20:15] Oso**
But it's cheap.
**[20:16] Both**
What to do?
**[20:48] Oso**
Mom... we're done.
**[20:55] Ichi**
Here's dinner.
**[20:57] Ichi**
We did the cleaning and laundry, too.
**[21:00] Kara**
There aren't any dishes left, either.
**[21:03] Kara**
I washed the pots and pans we used, as well.
**[21:06] Todo**
Sorry... about this morning!
**[21:09] All**
We're sorry!
**[21:12] Todo**
So... do you forgive us?
**[21:20] Six**
Thank goodness!
**[21:27] Dad**
I'm home.
**[21:29] Six**
It's Dad!
**[21:32] Dad**
You guys made all this? That's amazing.
**[21:36] Jyushi**
Go on, have some!
**[21:37] Choro**
Before it gets cold.
**[21:39] Dad**
Nah, I'm good.
**[21:41] Six**
Huh?
**[21:42] Dad**
I had dinner with some work buddies
tonight, so I don't need dinner.
**[21:49] Ichi**
If you're going to eat out...
**[21:52] Todo**
...you need to...
**[21:54] All**
...call home first!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[23:34] Todo**
Hello!
**[23:35] Todo**
Youngest brother Matsuno Todomatsu here!
**[23:37] Todo**
On the next Mr. *Osomatsu*,
we have "Werewolf."
**[23:40] Todo**
That's right! The game where we try to
figure out who the nasty ol' werewolf is!
**[23:46] Todo**
I wish I was playing it with girls, though.
**[23:48] Todo**
Why's it gotta be with my brothers?
***SIGN*** "Werewolf" etc.
**[23:51] Todo**
Could someone just execute them already?
# E10 - Werewolf
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/GYKKD5P8Y/werewolf)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
***SIGN*** Closure Notice We will be closed for a while. We apologize for any inconvenience. Owner
**[01:37] Deka**
Social distancing, quarantine...
Everything's closed.
***SIGN*** We will be closed
due to reasons
***SIGN*** We will be closed
for this time period
**[01:42] Deka**
Everyone in town is on edge.
**[01:45] Deka**
They get mad so easily.
**[01:47] Hata**
It's so sad, jo.
**[01:48] Chibi**
My business isn't doing that great, either,
**[01:51] Chibi**
but the moment I do anything to
draw attention to it, I get bashed.
**[01:54] Chibi**
I hope something good will happen soon.
**[02:01] ---**
What's that?
***SIGN*** Black Cat
**[02:07] Chibi**
Iyami?!
**[02:08] Chibi**
What the hell is he doing?
**[02:18] Dayon**
Dayon!
***SIGN*** Black Cat
**[02:32] Hata**
Jo!
**[02:33] Dayon**
Dayon!
**[02:46] Ann**
It's that time of year again.
We reach the impregnable fortress.
**[02:52] Ann**
ZANSU!
**[02:54] Ann**
Will any of the challengers complete
our difficult course this year?
**[02:57] Ann**
Will they be able to bring life back
to a thoroughly exhausted Japan?
**[03:03] Hata**
Jo...
***SIGN*** Mr. Flag Hatabou
***SIGN*** 1st Stage
***SIGN*** Hatabou
**[03:07] Hata**
Jo.
**[03:09] Ann**
And he's down!
***SIGN*** Dekapan Labs Dekapan
***SIGN*** Dekapan
***SIGN*** 1st Stage
**[03:18] Ann**
And he's down!
***SIGN*** Chibita
***SIGN*** Dayon
**[03:29] Iyami**
Dayon! Keep calm!
**[03:31] Iyami**
There's still time! Yes! That's it!
**[03:40] Ann**
Goal!
**[03:42] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
***SIGN*** Iyami
**[03:44] Chibi**
Hell yeah! Way to go, Iyami!
**[03:48] Guy**
We will now take fifteen
minutes to rearrange the set.
**[03:52] Iyami**
Hello? Me got through the first stage.
**[03:55] Uggo**
*For real? Good job!*
**[03:57] Iyami**
Me is about to start the second stage.
**[03:59] Uggo**
*Well, keep calm.*
***SIGN*** 2nd Stage
**[04:17] Iyami**
Sheeeh...
**[04:19] Iyami**
Sheh? Sheh, sheh, sheh, sheh! Sheeeh!
**[04:23] Ann**
And he's down!
***SIGN*** Iyami
**[04:26] Ann**
What happened, Iyami?
How could this have happened?
**[04:28] Ann**
Did he let his guard down
at the last second?!
**[04:31] Ann**
No one completes ZANSU this year.
**[04:34] Ann**
Unfortunately, no one was able
to bring life back to Japan!
**[04:40] Oso**
Hold it.
**[04:45] Chibi**
Wh-Who the hell?
**[04:48] Iyami**
Who are they?
**[04:51] Oso**
We are the ultimate sextuplets
created by Akatsuka.
**[04:54] Oso**
They call us...
**[04:55] All**
F6 2020!
**[04:58] Oso**
Okay, here we go, boys!
**[05:00] All**
Yeah!
**[05:00] Chibi**
Hey! Who the hell said
you could participate?!
**[05:03] Chibi**
Did you even register?
**[05:19] Chibi**
Welp, I guess they were just for show.
**[05:22] Iyami**
This isn't that easy!
**[05:24] Dayon**
Go home!
**[05:28] Some**
It's not over yet.
**[05:33] Todo**
We're F6! And we're the best!
**[05:37] Chibi**
Huh?!
**[05:38] Chibi**
Why'd you get back up?
That's cheating, you idjit!
**[05:43] Todo**
*Oh, no!*
**[05:53] Jyushi**
Are you hurt, my angel?
**[05:55] Todo**
Nii-san...
**[05:57] Chibi**
Cheaters! You're helping each other!
**[06:08] Choro**
Ichi...
**[06:08] Ichi**
Choro!
**[06:09] Chibi**
Stop that!
**[06:11] Choro**
Kondan Einen...
**[06:12] Choro**
...Shizai Law!
**[06:18] Chibi**
Is this okay?!
**[06:21] Three**
Hi-yah!
**[06:33] Kara**
Hi-yah!
**[06:41] Ichi**
My foot...
**[06:51] Oso**
Don't forget that I'm your
safety net, Ichimatsu.
**[06:54] Ichi**
Yeah.
***SIGN*** F6 Jyushimatsu
**[07:04] Choro**
Don't forget that I'm your stagehand.
**[07:06] Jyushi**
True.
**[07:08] Ann**
After showing off their brotherly
love and amazing teamwork,
**[07:11] Ann**
F6 makes it to the final event at last!
**[07:19] Oso**
I-It won't go up...
**[07:21] Chibi**
You can do it!
**[07:22] Iyami**
You've got this!
**[07:27] Oso**
Y-You guys!
**[07:29] Todo**
Go, Osomatsu-niisan!
**[07:31] Oso**
But...
**[07:32] Jyushi**
It's okay. We'd happily sacrifice
ourselves for you, Nii-san.
**[07:36] Ichi**
Go, Osomatsu!
**[07:37] Oso**
But...
**[07:38] Todo**
You dummy! Osomatsu-niisan, you dummy!
**[07:41] Jyushi**
We're not commoners. We're F6.
**[07:44] Jyushi**
Humanity's put all of their hope in us!
**[07:46] Ichi**
We can't stop here!
**[07:50] Oso**
I'm sorry... my brothers!
**[08:03] Oso**
You guys!
**[08:04] Kara**
Go!
**[08:05] Choro**
Please go.
**[08:07] Oso**
But...
**[08:07] Both**
You dumbass!
**[08:10] Oso**
Choromatsu! Karamatsu!
**[08:13] Ann**
Now... the eldest brother, Osomatsu,
has finally gotten this far.
**[08:17] Ann**
This is the last panel!
**[08:21] Ann**
We've completely blown past the time limit,
**[08:23] Ann**
but no one cares about that anymore.
**[08:26] Oso**
I won't let your deaths be in vain.
**[08:31] All**
You've got this!
**[08:32] All**
Don't lose!
**[08:41] Oso**
You guys!
**[08:43] Kara**
Our individual strengths
are nothing special.
**[08:46] Choro**
Frankly, we are weak.
**[08:49] Ichi**
That's why we waver.
We run away and we yield.
**[08:52] Jyushi**
So what should we do when
a huge wall stands before us?
**[08:56] Todo**
The answer's simple.
We just have to work together.
**[09:01] Oso**
Here we go!
**[09:08] All**
F6!
**[09:18] Ann**
Th-They cleared the level!
**[09:22] Iyami**
They did it!
**[09:26] Some**
Thank you!
**[09:31] Some**
Thank you!
**[09:35] Some**
Thank you, F6!
**[09:36] All**
F6! F6! F6! F6! F6! F6!
**[09:39] Ann**
The whole world feels better now!
***SIGN*** F6 Clears All Stages
**[10:23] Todo**
H-He's...
**[10:26] Todo**
He's been eaten!
**[10:29] Todo**
These claw marks... They belong to a wolf!
**[10:32] Todo**
Which must mean... there's one in this house...
***SIGN*** "Werewolf"
**[10:36] Todo**
A werewolf!
**[10:40] Todo**
* Werewolves. Fearsome beasts that*
* disguise themselves as humans*
**[10:45] Todo**
* during the day to hide their true*
* forms and devour humans at night...*
**[10:50] Todo**
*And that beast is among us.*
**[10:53] Todo**
*Who is it? Who could it be?*
**[10:56] Todo**
*Who could be the werewolf among us?*
***SIGN*** Wolf
**[11:01] Oso**
Hey, you're not gonna have any snacks?
**[11:04] Oso**
You don't want any? Why not?
***SIGN*** Wolf
**[11:07] Oso**
You're full? Oh, I see.
**[11:10] Jyushi**
Who's the werewolf?
**[11:11] Todo**
Just who is the werewolf?
**[11:13] Choro**
Please fess up.
**[11:14] Jyushi**
Is it you?
**[11:15] Todo**
Is it you?
**[11:16] Choro**
Is it you?
**[11:17] All**
Who is the werewolf?!
**[11:21] Oso**
You okay? Not feeling well?
***SIGN*** Stomach Medicine
**[11:24] Oso**
Aw, you ate too much last night? I see.
**[11:27] Todo**
We have no other choice.
Let's figure this out using executions!
**[11:31] Oso**
Executions? Wait, how does that work?
**[11:33] Todo**
We'll all vote on who we think the werewolf is
**[11:35] Todo**
and execute them based on that.
**[11:38] Oso**
What?! We're doing something that violent?
**[11:41] Jyushi**
Well, that's how you exterminate werewolves.
**[11:45] Oso**
What? Let's not.
**[11:47] Oso**
I don't like executions.
**[11:50] Todo**
First, let's name off our occupations.
**[11:53] Todo**
The werewolf shouldn't be able
to disclose their occupation.
**[11:56] Todo**
This will weed them out.
**[11:57] Todo**
Let's start with you.
**[11:59] Jyushi**
I'm a villager. A villager from NEET Village.
**[12:01] Todo**
What kind of dumb place is that?
I hope it gets razed.
**[12:05] Todo**
Well, whatever. Villager,
right? I'll believe you.
**[12:08] todo**
What about you?
**[12:09] Oso**
I'm a villager, too!
**[12:11] Jyushi**
Are you?
**[12:12] Oso**
Huh?
**[12:12] Jyushi**
Are you really a villager?
**[12:14] Oso**
Huh? Yeah...
**[12:16] Jyushi**
Seems shady to me.
**[12:17] Todo**
What about you?
**[12:29] Ichi**
I'm a villager, wolf.
**[12:34] Ichi**
It's the truth, wolf.
**[12:36] Todo**
All right. I believe you.
**[12:40] Todo**
So, what's your occupation?
**[12:43] Choro**
O-Of course, I'm a villager!
**[12:47] Choro**
*But my true occupation is traitor!*
**[12:50] Choro**
* I'll side with the werewolf to*
* further confuse these humans!*
**[12:55] Jyushi**
Wait, there's only one more left, right?
**[12:58] Jysuhi**
And that means...
**[12:59] Jyushi**
Wait, is your occupation...
**[13:02] Oso**
W-Wait, is it you?
**[13:06] Todo**
No, I'm not the werewolf.
**[13:09] Todo**
My occupation is...
**[13:12] Todo**
fortuneteller!
**[13:13] Both**
Fortuneteller?
**[13:14] Choro**
What?
**[13:15] Todo**
A fortuneteller can find out one's
true occupation just once per day.
**[13:21] Todo**
I'm a key figure in leading
the human side to victory!
**[13:24] Both**
Holy crap!
**[13:25] Oso**
Hey, tell me my fortune, then!
**[13:27] Todo**
Huh?
**[13:27] Jyushi**
No fair! Tell me mine, too.
**[13:29] Todo**
Uh, hang on...
**[13:30] Oso**
When am I gonna get a girlfriend?
**[13:32] Jyushi**
Which pro baseball team's
gonna win next year?
**[13:34] Todo**
That's not what my skills are for!
**[13:36] Todo**
I'm supposed to use them
to find the werewolf!
**[13:38] Todo**
You guys don't get the
rules at all, do you?!
**[13:43] Choro**
Wait just a moment.
**[13:45] Choro**
I am also a fortuneteller.
**[13:47] Oso**
What? There are two fortunetellers?
**[13:49] Jyushi**
What's going on?
**[13:51] Todo**
*So you've shown yourself, imposter.*
**[13:54] Choro**
*Werewolf, leave this to me.*
**[13:58] Ichi**
*Who is he trying to signal to?*
**[14:01] Jyushi**
*He keeps winking at me!*
**[14:03] Jyushi**
*Yikes! Creepy!*
**[14:05] Ichi**
*Hey. Hey, hey. Awoo!*
**[14:09] Jyushi**
* Well, whatever.*
* I guess I'll return the favor.*
**[14:13] Ichi**
*Huh? Why's he winking back now?*
**[14:16] Ichi**
*Oh, they must be close.*
**[14:18] Todo**
Don't let him fool you!
He's probably the traitor!
**[14:21] Todo**
I'm the real fortuneteller!
**[14:24] Choro**
No, I am the fortuneteller.
**[14:26] Todo**
I'm the fortuneteller!
**[14:27] Choro**
I'm the fortuneteller!
**[14:28] Todo**
I'm the fortuneteller!
**[14:29] Jyushi**
I'm the fortuneteller, too, then!
**[14:31] Todo**
Huh?
**[14:31] Oso**
I'm the fortuneteller, too!
**[14:33] Todo**
Huh?!
**[14:33] Choro**
Fortuneteller!
**[14:34] Jyushi**
Fortuneteller!
**[14:34] Oso**
Fortuneteller!
**[14:35] Todo**
Fortuneteller!
**[14:36] All**
Please, go ahead.
**[14:38] Todo**
Wait, what are we doing?
**[14:40] Todo**
This isn't how the game works!
**[14:41] Todo**
Jeez! I'm the fortuneteller!
**[14:44] Choro**
Fortuneteller!
**[14:45] Jyushi**
Fortuneteller!
**[14:45] Oso**
Fortuneteller!
**[14:46] Todo**
Fortuneteller!
**[14:47] All**
Please, go ahead.
**[14:48] Todo**
Stop! Take this seriously!
**[14:50] Todo**
You two have nothing to do with this!
Why do you keep butting in?!
**[14:53] Todo**
Fine! I don't care!
**[14:55] Todo**
If we can't find the werewolf
before night falls,
**[14:57] Todo**
we're going to be killed!
**[14:59] Oso**
Killed?
**[15:00] Jyushi**
What do you mean?
**[15:02] Todo**
The werewolf turns back into a
wolf and eats humans at night.
**[15:06] Both**
What?!
**[15:08] Todo**
You two are way too clueless. Go home.
**[15:10] Choro**
You there, stop lying.
**[15:12] Todo**
You're the one who's lying.
**[15:13] Todo**
It's fine. I just have to give my
reading, and we'll know the truth.
**[15:17] Todo**
Hey, crystal ball.
**[15:19] Todo**
What's this guy's true identity?
**[15:24] Todo**
I knew it! He's on the werewolf's side!
**[15:27] Choro**
I-I'm not! He's the traitor!
**[15:30] Choro**
He's just acting like a fortuneteller to
get rid of me, the real fortuneteller!
**[15:36] Oso**
Huh?
**[15:38] Oso**
What's that mean? This is confusing.
**[15:39] ---**
I'm saying—
**[15:40] Todo**
It's the traitor's job to confuse
everyone! I'm the fortuneteller!
**[15:44] Oso**
Huh?
**[15:45] Oso**
We're trying to find the werewolf, right?
Who cares who the fortuneteller is?
**[15:49] Both**
Again, the fortuneteller is the
one who can find the werewolf!
**[15:53] Oso**
What are you guys talking about?
**[15:53] Todo**
Why don't you get it?
**[15:54] Todo**
The fortuneteller is super important!
**[15:55] Choro**
You need the fortuneteller
to figure out the werewolf!
**[16:01] Both**
We're not getting through to him at all.
**[16:04] Jyushi**
*Damn it. Who am I supposed to believe here?*
**[16:07] Jyushi**
*Oh, I know.*
**[16:09] Jyushi**
Hey, who do you think we should execute?
**[16:13] Jyushi**
Pick someone.
**[16:15] Jyushi**
Pretty please.
**[16:16] Ichi**
In that case...
**[16:18] Todo**
Huh?!
**[16:18] Ichi**
We should execute that fortuneteller, wolf.
**[16:21] Jyushi**
Okay!
**[16:22] Todo**
What?!
**[16:23] Jyushi**
Fortuneteller! You're the one who's gonna die!
**[16:26] Todo**
You totally admitted that
I'm the fortuneteller! Why?!
**[16:28] Choro**
Quit struggling!
**[16:29] Todo**
Let go of me!
**[16:30] Todo**
I said let go of me!
**[16:31] Oso**
H-Hey...
**[16:33] Oso**
Let's stop this!
**[16:34] ---**
Stop it!
**[16:36] Oso**
Please?
**[16:38] Jyushi**
Die!
**[16:40] Oso**
Stop this right now!
**[16:44] Choro**
Why did you stop us?
**[16:45] Jyushi**
I knew it! He's been suspicious
right from the start!
**[16:49] Todo**
What? Don't tell me—
**[16:51] Jyushi**
Who are you?!
**[16:52] Jyushi**
Tell us your true occupation!
**[16:57] Oso**
Guess the cat's out of the bag.
**[17:00] Oso**
My true occupation is...
**[17:05] Oso**
The Calming Detective, Osomatsu!
**[17:09] Oso**
Man, it's been so long! What, five years now?
**[17:13] Jyushi**
Wh-Wh-Who are you? No, really, who are you?
**[17:16] Oso**
The Calming Detective.
**[17:17] Jyushi**
You're not a villager?
**[17:19] Oso**
Nope.
**[17:19] Todo**
You're a detective?
**[17:20] Oso**
Yup! You're forgetting the
"calming" part, though.
**[17:23] Oso**
Man, it's been so long, you guys!
**[17:25] Todo**
Uh, we don't know you! Who the hell are you?
**[17:27] Choro**
The Calming Detective...
I've heard of him before.
**[17:30] Todo**
Huh?
**[17:31] Choro**
The number of cases he's
investigated so far exceeds 2,000.
**[17:34] Todo**
That many?!
**[17:35] Choro**
But he hasn't solved a single mystery.
**[17:37] Todo**
Huh?!
**[17:39] Choro**
He has one role and one role alone...
**[17:41] Choro**
While we're all on edge trying to figure
out who the suspect is at a murder scene,
**[17:47] Choro**
he tries to calm the atmosphere.
**[17:48] Choro**
That's the Calming Detective!
**[17:50] Todo**
So he's completely useless!
**[17:52] Choro**
See, look! He's about to work his magic now.
**[17:56] Oso**
Come on. Let's stop looking for the suspect.
**[17:59] Oso**
You're ruining the mood.
**[18:00] Jyushi**
Huh?! How?! There's a werewolf here!
**[18:03] Oso**
Well, that just happens in life.
**[18:05] Jyushi**
Huh?!
**[18:06] Oso**
Okay, okay. Where's the victim's body, then?
**[18:10] Oso**
Take me there. I'll investigate the scene.
**[18:12] Oso**
I am a detective, after all.
**[18:14] Ichi**
Over here, wolf.
**[18:15] Oso**
Thanks!
**[18:23] Todo**
Well? Did you figure anything out?
**[18:28] Todo**
What are you doing? Investigate already.
**[18:30] Oso**
Wow, look! Ants!
Look at them go! Great job!
**[18:39] Oso**
Pubes.
**[18:42] Oso**
Hey! Whose pubes are these?!
Hey! Whose are they?
**[18:46] Jyushi**
Stop! They're not mine!
**[18:47] Choro**
So embarrassing!
**[18:51] ---**
Hey, whose are they?
**[18:53] Oso**
Let me take a closer look!
**[18:55] Todo**
Don't look for the owner of the pubes!
Look for the damn werewolf!
**[18:57] Oso**
Hey, Mr. Inspector!
**[18:59] Todo**
I'm not an inspector. I'm a fortuneteller.
**[19:01] Oso**
Inspector!
**[19:02] Todo**
Are you even listening?
**[19:04] Oso**
I have solved this case!
**[19:06] Todo**
Liar.
**[19:09] Oso**
The true identity of the werewolf...
**[19:30] Todo**
Too long.
**[19:38] Todo**
Too long!
**[19:43] Todo**
That's long enough!
**[19:54] Todo**
Seriously, what the hell are you doing?!
**[19:59] Choro**
This is so calming!
**[20:00] Ichi**
So calming, wolf!
***SIGN*** Karamatsu's
Grave
**[20:58] Jyushi**
Man, this is amazing.
**[21:00] Jyushi**
I'm so calm right now.
**[21:02] Jyushi**
Who cares about the werewolf anymore?
**[21:04] Todo**
Execution is bad. I apologize.
**[21:07] Choro**
Hey, real fortuneteller.
**[21:09] Choro**
Have you had the gibier yet?
It'll all be gone soon.
**[21:12] Todo**
Traitor...
**[21:14] Ichi**
Here, have some beer.
**[21:15] Todo**
Werewolf...
**[21:17] Todo**
I can't believe this was all
resolved so peacefully.
**[21:20] Todo**
The Calming Detective is pretty amazing.
**[21:24] Oso**
There we go.
**[21:26] Oso**
Well, I should get going.
Invite me again sometime.
**[21:29] Todo**
Oh, you're leaving already?
**[21:31] Oso**
Yup, I've got my part-time job. See ya.
**[21:34] Jyushi**
Thanks!
**[21:34] Choro**
Yeah, thanks.
**[21:35] Ichi**
You're a lifesaver.
**[21:40] Jyushi**
Well, let's go stuff ourselves with food.
**[21:43] All**
Yay!
**[21:46] Choro**
Hey, wolf...
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[23:34] Oso**
Oh, hey. It's me, Osomatsu.
**[23:36] Oso**
Next time on *Mr. Osomatsu*, it's "Pizza."
**[23:39] Oso**
Yeah, I wanna be reborn into a
world where a virgin NEET can get
**[23:42] Oso**
super popular just by eating
pizza and drinking beer.
**[23:44] Oso**
So that's what the next
episode will be about.
**[23:46] Oso**
Wait, it's not?
**[23:48] Oso**
I didn't do the preview properly?
***SIGN*** "Pizza" etc.
**[23:51] Oso**
But you know... that's nothing new.
# E11 - Pizza
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/G6VM9NXP6/pizza)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
***SIGN*** "Do It"
**[01:38] Oso**
I'm cold. I'm tired.
**[01:40] Oso**
Karamatsu, are we going to make it in time?
**[01:42] Kara**
We should probably hurry a bit.
***SIGN*** New Machines!!
***SIGN*** Open at 10:00 Today
**[01:44] Kara**
The place opens at 10.
**[01:46] Oso**
Man, NEET life sure is busy.
**[01:51] Oso**
So...
**[01:52] Oso**
Why are they coming with us?
**[01:53] Both**
Sheeeh!
**[01:55] Oso**
They keep doing that lately. What's with that?
**[01:58] Kara**
They say they want to
understand "sheeeh" better.
**[02:00] Both**
Sheeeh!
**[02:00] Oso**
Huh?
**[02:00] Kara**
But they keep getting the timing
and the technique wrong.
**[02:04] Shake**
Can we ask you a question,
Shitty Eldest Brother?
**[02:07] Oso**
Don't call me that.
**[02:09] Shake**
When are you supposed to use "sheeeh"?
**[02:11] Oso**
Huh? How the hell should I know?
**[02:13] Oso**
You just sorta do it.
**[02:14] Kara**
Hmm...
**[02:16] Kara**
Maybe it's when we're surprised.
**[02:18] Both**
Surprised?
**[02:18] Oso**
Nah, these guys are emotionless morons.
They wouldn't understand that.
**[02:22] Kara**
I see. In that case...
**[02:24] Kara**
When something unexpected happens.
**[02:27] Both**
Something unexpected?
**[02:31] Both**
We have adjusted our algorithm.
**[02:33] Ume**
By the way, why do you use "sheeeh"?
**[02:36] Kara**
Why?! Huh?!
**[02:37] Kara**
Um...
**[02:39] Kara**
Well... because it's funny, I guess?
**[02:42] Ume**
How would you describe "funny"?
**[02:45] Oso**
Oh, shut up. Stop making us use our
brains this early in the morning.
**[02:48] Oso**
This is why you AI suck.
**[02:51] Kara**
Osomatsu...
**[02:54] Oso**
Riceballs.
**[02:56] Oso**
Ta-da!
**[02:58] Kara**
Sheeeh!
**[03:00] Shake**
You mustn't strip naked in public!
**[03:02] Ume**
It's indecent exposure!
**[03:03] Oso**
No, do it!
**[03:04] Kara**
This is when you use "sheeeh"!
**[03:12] Kara**
Hey, it's Totoko-chan.
**[03:14] Oso**
You're right. She's so cute.
**[03:17] Toto**
Oh?
**[03:19] Toto**
What are you doing, Osomatsu-kun
and Karamatsu-kun?
**[03:22] Kara**
Well, uh...
**[03:23] Oso**
We're headed to pachinko.
**[03:25] Toto**
Ah...
**[03:26] Oso**
What are you up to?
**[03:27] Toto**
Dance practice.
**[03:29] Kara**
R-Really? Well, do your best!
**[03:32] Toto**
Say, you two.
**[03:33] Toto**
You showed up at the perfect time.
I have a favor to ask.
**[03:37] Oso**
Huh?
**[03:40] Kara**
Huh?!
**[03:41] Kara**
Y-You want to hear your value
as an idol... one more time?
**[03:46] Toto**
Yup!
**[03:47] Toto**
Because last time, they were too
nervous after meeting my cute self.
**[03:51] Toto**
I think that's probably why they
gave me such a weird score.
**[03:55] Toto**
So I wanted to get the right score this time.
**[03:59] Kara**
Yeah, but... you know...
**[04:01] Kara**
Right?
**[04:03] Oso**
I don't see why not.
**[04:04] Kara**
Hey! You fool!
**[04:06] Toto**
Please!
**[04:09] Toto**
I want to know.
**[04:12] Kara**
Totoko-chan...
**[04:15] Kara**
I see.
**[04:17] Kara**
So your idol career isn't going very well...
**[04:21] Totoko**
Yeah... I'm not popular at all.
**[04:25] Totoko**
I don't even stand a chance
against my super uggo partner.
**[04:28] Totoko**
Does no one want to see a fish idol?
**[04:31] Kara**
That's not true! You're super cute!
**[04:34] Kara**
And fish are super healthy.
**[04:36] Kara**
You can prepare them all sorts of ways!
**[04:37] Oso**
Huh?
**[04:38] Shake**
May we do the "sheeeh" now?
**[04:40] Ume**
May we do the "sheeeh" now?
**[04:41] Oso**
No, no, no, absolutely not!
**[04:44] Oso**
You can't do it when
things are this serious!
**[04:47] Oso**
I mean, it is pretty unexpected to see
Totoko-chan lose confidence like this...
**[04:52] Oso**
But she'll lose her shit
if you do that right now.
**[04:55] Oso**
Just keep quiet!
**[04:58] Oso**
*Pieces of junk...*
**[05:02] Toto**
Maybe I'm not that cute after all.
**[05:05] Rice**
Shee—
**[05:08] Oso**
What the hell are you doing?!
**[05:12] Both**
Ow.
**[05:12] Oso**
That was absolutely not the time to do that!
**[05:15] Shake**
But Yowai-san being so insecure...
**[05:18] Ume**
...is completely unexpected.
**[05:21] Oso**
No. You're not reading the room.
**[05:27] Toto**
Okay, I'm counting on you.
Give me my correct value as an idol.
**[05:32] Both**
As you wish. We will determine
your estimated value.
**[05:40] Shake**
The results are in.
**[05:41] Ume**
Your estimated value...
**[05:54] Both**
...is 100!
**[05:59] Oso**
Okay, excuse us for just one moment!
**[06:02] Oso**
What the hell are you two doing?!
**[06:04] Both**
Ow.
**[06:04] Oso**
How did she suddenly get 100?
**[06:06] Both**
We tried reading the room.
**[06:08] Oso**
That's all wrong. She wants
an accurate value right now.
**[06:12] Oso**
This wasn't the time to flatter her.
**[06:17] Toto**
It's my fault, isn't it?
**[06:20] Toto**
Because I flip out when
you give me a low score.
**[06:23] Toto**
But today, I really want to know my real score.
**[06:28] Toto**
I promise I won't get mad. Really!
**[06:32] Oso**
Totoko-chan...
**[06:35] Both**
The results are in!
**[06:36] shake**
Your estimated value...
**[06:38] ume**
...is 2.
**[06:45] Oso**
Uh... she's pretty pissed, isn't she?
**[06:47] Kara**
W-Will they be okay?
**[06:50] Both**
Totoko-chan?!
**[06:55] Toto**
How about now?
**[06:56] Shake**
Your estimated value...
**[06:58] Ume**
...is 1.
**[07:04] Oso**
I thought she promised not to get mad?
**[07:06] Kara**
Will they be okay?
**[07:11] Toto**
Okay, this!
**[07:12] Ume**
That's shit.
**[07:21] Shake**
Old guy who sexually harasses others.
**[07:22] Both**
Totoko-chan!
**[07:24] Ume**
Old lady who likes to cut in line.
**[07:29] Ume**
A pinch-hitter who strikes out looking.
**[07:33] Ume**
A middle reliever who just
throws four balls and leaves.
**[07:40] Toto**
Okay, here's my last outfit.
**[07:45] Toto**
I'm sure this won't work, though.
**[08:00] Both**
The results are in!
**[08:01] shake**
Your estimated value...
**[08:03] ume**
...is one million points!
***SIGN*** 1,000,000
**[08:05] Both**
Dat-dadada!
**[08:10] Toto**
Huh?
**[08:11] Both**
Of course!
**[08:12] Kara**
Totoko-chan! That's the best!
**[08:14] Shake**
Yes. There's no doubt this value is correct.
**[08:18] Ume**
Cats have maintained stable
popularity, even online,
**[08:21] Ume**
and so many more people will like you
better now that you're not a fish.
**[08:24] Kara**
Man, that's great! I guess
cats are better than fish.
**[08:30] Kara**
Huh?
**[08:31] Toto**
What's so wrong with fish?
Why are cats so much better?
**[08:38] Both**
Sh-Sheeeh!
**[08:43] Both**
Do it!
**[08:45] Both**
Shee—
**[08:45] Both**
Too late!
***SIGN*** The Grave of Osomatsu and Karamatsu
**[08:59] Shake**
Guess we did it again.
**[09:01] Ume**
We sure did.
**[09:02] Shake**
We fail as support AI.
**[09:04] Ume**
We sure do.
**[09:09] Both**
Ta-da!
**[09:21] Both**
Do it!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** "Pizza"
**[09:55] Choro**
Huh?
**[09:56] Choro**
Pizza?
**[09:57] Choro**
You're gonna order?
**[09:58] Todo**
We're not ordering any.
**[09:59] Choro**
Huh?
**[10:00] Todo**
We're not ordering any, but we're talking
about what we would order if we did.
**[10:06] Choro**
So it's just hypothetical?
**[10:07] Todo**
Yeah. Hypothetical.
**[10:09] Choro**
What a total waste of time.
**[10:12] Ichi**
What would you get?
**[10:14] Choro**
Huh?
**[10:16] Choro**
Can we order as many as we want?
**[10:19] Ichi**
Let's just say two.
**[10:20] Todo**
We've gotta stick to a budget.
I mean, you're a NEET, Choromatsu-niisan.
**[10:23] Choro**
So are you!
**[10:26] Choro**
We're all going to eat these, right?
**[10:28] Todo**
Of course.
**[10:29] Choro**
Let's see... I wonder...
***SIGN*** Super Popular! Gluttonous 4
Enjoy 4 kinds of pizzas in one!!
***SIGN*** Now even thicker!
**[10:33] Choro**
Hey, maybe this one. The Gluttonous Four.
***SIGN*** Now even thicker!
***SIGN*** Enjoy 4 kinds
of pizza in one!!
**[10:36] Choro**
We'll get the cheapest combination
to keep the price down,
**[10:39] Choro**
and we can ask for eight kinds in total,
so that should keep everyone satisfied.
**[10:43] Todo**
Well, that's boring.
**[10:44] Choro**
Huh?
**[10:45] Ichi**
God, you're boring, Fappymatsu-kun.
**[10:47] Ichi**
How simple are you?
That's not the point here.
**[10:51] Choro**
But wait. We're all eating them, right?
**[10:54] Choro**
If we get lots of different kinds,
we're less likely to get the wrong—
**[10:57] Todo**
So boring.
**[10:58] Choro**
Stop saying that.
**[11:00] Todo**
We're just saying what we'd get
if we *hypothetically* ordered pizza.
**[11:03] Todo**
Why are you being all logical about it?
**[11:05] ichi**
You have such a puny imagination.
You'll never get big or go anywhere.
**[11:10] Choro**
The hell is your problem?!
**[11:11] Choro**
Why do I have to get dissed this
much over hypothetical pizza?!
**[11:15] Choro**
You know, you guys always
make fun of me like this,
**[11:18] Choro**
but it's the rest of you that are messed up!
**[11:20] Choro**
I'm the most normal one
out in the real world!
**[11:23] Choro**
I'm gonna end up the happiest!
**[11:24] Choro**
Morons like you can spend the rest of
your lives eating imaginary pizza!
**[11:27] Choro**
You dumbasses! You pieces of trash!
**[11:29] Todo**
God, what a filthy mouth, you delinquent.
**[11:32] Choro**
What the hell would you pick, then?!
**[11:34] Tood**
What? I think one piece
of pizza is enough for me.
**[11:37] Todo**
They have way too many calories.
I gotta think about my beautiful face.
**[11:40] Both**
You piece of shit.
**[11:41] Todo**
Huh?
**[11:42] Choro**
You're just a piece of shit.
**[11:43] Choro**
Stop talking about calories and your
stupid face when we're talking about pizza!
**[11:47] Ichi**
What's with you? Do you
actually think you're popular?
**[11:50] Ichi**
I'm pretty sure, no,
positive that you're not.
**[11:52] Choro**
Not to mention how he's like,
"I'm totally in with girls. I totally get it,"
**[11:57] Choro**
but it's just all talk.
He never has anything to show for it.
**[12:02] Ichi**
It's all a facade.
**[12:03] Choro**
Oh, and one more thing. If you're not careful,
guys are gonna hate you.
**[12:07] Ichi**
No one wants a guy who's hated by other guys.
**[12:10] Choro**
Nope.
**[12:11] Both**
No one wants you.
**[12:16] Choro**
Damn, you're tough.
**[12:17] Ichi**
So what are we going to do about the pizza?
Let's hurry up and decide.
***SIGN*** Half off
when you pick it up!!
**[12:21] Todo**
Well, you pick.
**[12:22] Ichi**
Huh?
**[12:23] Choro**
You haven't said anything yet, Ichimatsu.
**[12:25] Choro**
Which one would you get? Tell us.
**[12:27] Ichi**
Nah, I'm good.
**[12:29] Both**
Wait, wait, wait.
**[12:31] Todo**
Tell us. You're not getting out of this now.
**[12:34] Todo**
Why are you trying to run?
**[12:36] Choro**
This guy has no problem dragging others,
**[12:39] Choro**
but when the attention's on him,
he immediately runs away.
**[12:42] Todo**
Surprisingly, Ichimatsu-niisan has way
more pride than you, Choromatsu-niisan.
**[12:46] Ichi**
Shut up!
**[12:47] Choro**
He's also a cocky braggart.
**[12:48] Ichi**
Shut up.
**[12:49] Todo**
And the most childish.
**[12:50] Ichi**
Shut up.
**[12:51] Choro**
A wittle babby.
**[12:51] Ichi**
Shut up.
**[12:52] Todo**
Maybe we should get you some
babby fwood instead of pwizza.
**[12:55] Choro**
Wittle babby boy.
**[13:00] Choro**
So what crust should we get?
**[13:02] Todo**
I like thin crust.
**[13:04] Choro**
'Cause it lacks substance, like you?
**[13:05] Todo**
Wha?
**[13:06] Ichi**
I want some cola.
**[13:07] Choro**
That's a waste of money! We have tea at home.
**[13:10] Todo**
God, you're stingy.
**[13:11] Ichi**
Boring.
**[13:12] Choro**
Huh?
**[13:13] Ichi**
If you're that worried about money,
***SIGN*** Half off
when you pick it up!!
**[13:15] Ichi**
go pick it up. It makes it half price.
**[13:19] Both**
Then you go pick it up!
**[13:20] Ichi**
Huh?
**[13:21] Choro**
Quit running your mouth
and use your damn feet.
**[13:25] Todo**
Wait, do I sense trouble coming?
**[13:27] Ichi**
Definitely trouble.
**[13:31] Choro**
Why are you so wet?
**[13:33] Choro**
What were you doing?
**[13:34] Jyushi**
I went for a walk.
**[13:35] Choro**
In this rain?
**[13:36] Jyushi**
It just started raining out of nowhere.
**[13:39] Choro**
It wasn't out of nowhere.
It's been raining all day.
**[13:42] Choro**
Hey!
**[13:44] Jyushi**
Whatcha doin'?
**[13:45] Jyushi**
Ooh, pizza!
**[13:46] Jyushi**
Are we ordering some?
**[13:48] Todo**
Nope. We're just talking about what
we'd hypothetically get if we did.
**[13:52] Jyushi**
So you're delusional.
**[13:53] Todo**
Not quite.
**[13:54] Choro**
What would you get? We're
getting two. We're all sharing.
**[13:57] Jyushi**
What? Let's see...
**[14:01] Jyushi**
I want Chinese food!
**[14:03] All**
Huh?
**[14:04] Ichi**
Did you hear a word we just said?
We gave you a prompt.
**[14:07] Jyushi**
A prompt?
**[14:08] Ichi**
We told you to pick a pizza. If you say
you want Chinese, what's the point?
**[14:13] Choro**
You don't understand logic at all, do you?
**[14:15] Choro**
You're crazy.
**[14:17] Todo**
Also, why were you walking in the rain?
You're borderline. Borderline insane.
**[14:21] Ichi**
Do you realize how difficult it is for us?
**[14:24] Ichi**
You'd be nothing without us.
**[14:27] Ichi**
I seriously hope you realize you wouldn't
be funny at all if we weren't here.
**[14:30] Todo**
You could never be pizza,
Jyushimatsu-niisan.
**[14:33] Todo**
You're nothing more than a topping.
Basically, we'd be fine without you.
**[14:36] Jyushi**
I'll pick! I'll follow the prompt you gave me!
***SIGN*** Get more yeet
for your yen!!
**[14:41] Jyushi**
This pizza and this pizza!
***SIGN*** Super Popular! Gluttonous 4
Enjoy 4 kinds of pizzas in one!!
**[14:44] All**
You're supposed to pick Chinese!
**[14:51] Oso**
Oh, pizza? We ordering some?
***SIGN*** Super Popular! Gluttonous 4
Enjoy 4 kinds of pizzas in one!!
**[14:54] Todo**
Nope. We're just talking about what
we'd hypothetically get if we did.
**[14:58] Oso**
Ah...
***SIGN*** Super Popular! Gluttonous 4
Enjoy 4 kinds of pizzas in one!!
**[14:59] Oso**
I'd pick this one, this one, and this one.
**[15:02] Todo**
Oh, we're only getting two.
**[15:04] Oso**
Then I'll get this one,
this one, this one, and this one.
**[15:07] Todo**
Stop ignoring the limit of two!
**[15:09] Choro**
Also, the ones you picked
**[15:11] Choro**
are just the ones you want to eat, aren't they?
**[15:13] Oso**
Yup.
**[15:14] Choro**
All six of us are going to eat them!
**[15:16] Oso**
Wait, really?
**[15:18] Choro**
Of course we are! God, would it
kill you to think of us for once?
**[15:21] Jyushi**
Our shitty older brother
planned to eat them all himself.
**[15:24] Oso**
But I mean, you guys would
want the pizzas I want, too.
**[15:27] All**
Why?!
**[15:28] Todo**
Your outlook is so messed up!
**[15:30] Ichi**
Seriously, there's
something wrong with him.
**[15:32] Choro**
Oh, what's this, Ichimatsu-kun?
**[15:34] Ichi**
Do you guys remember the
last time we ordered pizza?
**[15:38] Ichi**
He sneakily takes more than the rest of us.
**[15:42] Ichi**
And where it's cut in the center,
**[15:44] Ichi**
if there's a shrimp or a huge glob of cheese
or something there, he'll always take it!
**[15:51] Ichi**
Like it's the obvious thing to do,
without a shred of guilt!
**[15:54] Jyushi**
On our way home from that wedding, he said,
**[15:56] Jyushi**
"I don't think I could live with
someone," out of the blue,
**[15:58] Jyushi**
but it's more amazing we're
able to live with him at all!
**[16:01] Choro**
Right? No one in this world
would want to live with him.
**[16:05] Ichi**
What do you think about
that aspect of yourself?
**[16:08] Oso**
Well, you know...
**[16:11] Oso**
I'm just that kind of character.
**[16:12] Ichi**
I'll kill you.
**[16:13] Todo**
Just so you know,
we haven't accepted this.
**[16:16] Todo**
We just have no other choice.
**[16:18] Choro**
Exactly! I couldn't have
put it better myself.
**[16:19] Choro**
We don't actually
forgive everything you do.
**[16:21] Oso**
Okay, jeez. You guys are so picky.
**[16:25] Oso**
I'll let it slide, though,
since I'm the oldest.
**[16:30] Oso**
Huh?
**[16:31] Todo**
Never mind.
**[16:32] Jyushi**
We won't expect anything.
**[16:33] Choro**
Nothing.
**[16:34] Oso**
Huh?
**[16:36] Jyushi**
Which one are you picking,
Karamatsu-niisan?
**[16:38] Kara**
Huh?
**[16:40] Kara**
You mean pizza?
**[16:43] Kara**
Just pick whatever ones you want.
**[16:45] Kara**
I'm fine with whatever.
**[16:47] All**
Wh-Whatever?
**[16:49] Oso**
Wait, what?
**[16:53] Jyushi**
Hang on a sec.
**[16:54] Kara**
Huh?
**[16:55] Jyushi**
Have a seat.
**[16:56] Jyushi**
We'll set the pizzas aside for a sec.
**[16:57] Jyushi**
Let's talk about you, Karamatsu-niisan.
**[16:59] All**
Yes, let's.
**[17:00] Kara**
Huh?!
**[17:04] Todo**
Do you really think stuff
like that, Karamatsu-niisan?
**[17:07] Todo**
You're really okay with
whatever pizzas we pick?
**[17:10] Kara**
Yes, whatever you choose,
**[17:14] Kara**
I'll accept your choices, my brothers!
**[17:18] Jyushi**
What do you really think, though?
**[17:20] Kara**
Huh?
**[17:21] Ichi**
What's going on in your head?
**[17:22] Choro**
We just can't read you, Karamatsu.
**[17:25] Oso**
Yeah, you're a mystery.
**[17:27] Todo**
Is there really no pizza you'd want?
**[17:30] Kara**
No.
**[17:30] Todo**
Of course there is!
And we want to know what it is!
**[17:33] Kara**
But I don't have one!
**[17:34] Jyu**
You really don't like
letting people in, do you?
**[17:37] Choro**
He seems nice, but he's actually exclusive.
**[17:39] Oso**
Exclusivematsu.
**[17:40] Ichi**
Exclusivematsu.
**[17:44] Kara**
Okay, then, let me just say this.
***SIGN*** Super Popular! Gluttonous 4
Enjoy 4 kinds of pizzas in one!!
**[17:46] Kara**
This is just hypothetical, right?
**[17:48] Kara**
We're not actually ordering pizza, right?
**[17:50] Kara**
So what do we get from picking?
What a pain in the ass.
**[17:53] Ichi**
Wait, is that what you've
thought this whole time?
**[17:56] Kara**
Yeah.
**[17:57] Kara**
I thought, "Man, they're
talking about something dumb.
**[18:00] Kara**
This sucks." That's why I tried to end it.
**[18:04] Kara**
I don't want to waste any more time.
I'm Exclusivematsu? Fine by me.
**[18:08] Kara**
I'd be more than happy to be
free from this dumbass topic.
**[18:11] Jyushi**
Uh, you can go to the bathroom now...
**[18:14] Kara**
It's not like I really have to go.
I just wanted to get the hell outta here.
**[18:17] Kara**
Why, you ask?
**[18:18] Kara**
Because you shitheads wouldn't stop
talking about this shitty topic
**[18:21] Kara**
and kept yapping and yapping and yapping...
**[18:24] Both**
Sorry, we're sorry...
**[18:24] Kara**
Exclusivematsu? Go on, call me that.
**[18:26] Kara**
Call me Exclusivematsu-niisan. Come on.
**[18:28] ---**
We're sorry.
**[18:30] Kara**
Well?
**[18:32] Choro**
I guess "Exclusivematsu" was a landmine.
**[18:34] Ichi**
Let's not do that again.
**[18:40] Todo**
What're we gonna do?
**[18:41] Choro**
About what?
**[18:42] Todo**
We need to decide on the pizzas.
**[18:44] Choro**
We really don't, though.
**[18:50] Kara**
You know, pizza didn't exist a long time ago.
**[18:53] Kara**
Didn't it suddenly appear out of nowhere?
**[18:56] Oso**
True. When was that?
**[18:59] Todo**
When did we first eat pizza?
**[19:03] Kara**
A pizza bun from a convenience store?
**[19:05] Ichi**
Might be.
**[19:06] Todo**
That's true for pizza, but pasta
sorta came out of nowhere, too.
**[19:11] Todo**
It used to just be "spaghetti."
**[19:12] Todo**
Then we suddenly started calling it "pasta."
**[19:14] Jyushi**
True.
**[19:15] Ichi**
When did we start calling it pasta?
**[19:18] Ichi**
It's sorta embarrassing switching over.
**[19:21] Jyushi**
"Pfft, he actually calls it pasta."
**[19:24] Ichi**
Yeah, exactly that.
**[19:26] Todo**
You all call it pasta now, right?
**[19:28] Oso**
I still call it spaghetti.
**[19:29] Todo**
No way!
**[19:29] Both**
Spaghetti.
**[19:30] Kara**
For real? You still haven't switched over?
**[19:33] Oso**
We totally missed the opportunity.
**[19:36] Ichi**
That happens, though.
Like saying "walking" in English.
**[19:39] Todo**
Or calling the past an archive?
**[19:41] Jyushi**
This, too.
**[19:42] Jyshi**
We used to call this "Margarita,"
but now we say "Margherita."
***SIGN*** Get more yeet for your yen!!
***SIGN*** Experience authentic pizza!
Try our original flavors, too!
Margherita
**[19:48] Choro**
Well, it's the same with pizza.
Now people say it like "pitza."
**[19:51] All**
Yeah, no.
**[19:52] Choro**
Huh?
***SIGN*** Experience authentic pizza! Try our original flavors, too!
***SIGN*** Margherita
**[19:53] Todo**
Pitza isn't right.
Yeah, no. No one says that.
**[19:56] Oso**
Man, you suck at these conversations.
**[20:00] Ichi**
If you just didn't know, it'd be fine,
**[20:03] Ichi**
but you always act like you
know everything and fall flat.
**[20:07] Choro**
That's fine. I believe in myself.
**[20:09] Ichi**
The hell?
**[20:10] Kara**
Excellent Exclusivematsu move.
**[20:13] Jyushi**
So...
***SIGN*** Super Popular! Gluttonous 4
Enjoy 4 kinds of pizzas in one!!
**[20:14] Jyushi**
What're we gonna do about the pizzas?
**[20:17] Oso**
Only two, huh? That's the hard part.
**[20:22] Todo**
Man, sextuplets are a lot!
**[20:25] Todo**
Seriously, what are sextuplets?
That's messed up! So annoying!
***SIGN*** Matsu
**[20:28] All**
It is a lot!
**[20:29] Todo**
Imagine if we were just two brothers!
We'd decide on pizza instantly!
**[20:32] Todo**
And we'd be able to eat a ton of it!
**[20:34] Choro**
Man, I wanna eat a whole pizza!
**[20:38] Jyushi**
Same here. Talk about a dream.
**[20:40] Kara**
Even our room is small.
Why are there so many of us?
**[20:43] Kara**
Someone move out already.
**[20:45] Oso**
And we all look way too much alike.
**[20:47] Oso**
One of you get plastic
surgery already, jackasses.
**[20:50] Ichi**
Do you guys realize how much
I suffer, living with you all?
**[20:53] Jyushi**
Wait, wait, wait, I'm
the one who's suffering.
**[20:55] Choro**
Uh, it's me.
**[20:57] Todo**
Wait, wait.
**[20:57] Oso**
Wait, wait.
**[20:58] All**
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
**[21:00] Oso**
Todomatsu, you've got it great.
**[21:03] Todo**
Huh?
**[21:03] Oso**
The youngest has it the best.
**[21:05] Oso**
Everyone dotes on you. Your life
must be awesome. No worries at all.
**[21:11] Todo**
Are you freakin' serious?
**[21:13] Oso**
Huh?
**[21:14] Todo**
Being the youngest out of us six is easy?
**[21:17] Todo**
I have no troubles?
**[21:19] Oso**
It must be nice. Your big bro is jelly.
**[21:25] Oso**
Why?! Why are you choking me?! Todomatsu, hey!
**[21:26] Todo**
You can't be serious!
**[21:32] Jyushi**
We were just talking about some pizza
we weren't gonna actually order.
**[21:54] Ichi**
Hey.
***SIGN*** Our best delivered to you!
**[21:57] Ichi**
What if we were gonna order sushi?
**[21:59] Oso**
Aw, man. Sushi!
**[22:02] Todo**
That's hard.
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[23:39] Kara**
Good... This is Karamatsu.
**[23:41] Kara**
Good, good.
**[23:44] Kara**
Next time on *Mr. Osomatsu*,
we've got "AI"...
**[23:47] Kara**
Just like that. Yeah, just like that, AI!
***SIGN*** "AI"
**[23:51] Kara**
See you ne— Oh, yes!
# E12 - AI
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/GY5J2VE5Y/ai)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
***SIGN*** Good
***SIGN*** Not bad
***SIGN*** Normal
***SIGN*** Undecided
***SIGN*** Unsatisfied
**[02:03] Shake**
Good morning.
**[02:04] Ume**
Good morning.
**[02:06] Shake**
Time to wake up.
**[02:08] Ume**
Time to wake up.
**[02:09] Both**
Time to wake up.
**[02:12] Shake**
You mustn't live these
meaningless lazy days forever.
**[02:16] Shake**
No more being NEETs!
**[02:18] Ume**
The first step to restoring your
lives: basking in the sunlight.
**[02:23] Oso**
Huh?
**[02:24] Todo**
What?
**[02:25] Jyushi**
Jeez, you're noisy.
**[02:28] Choro**
You sure are early today, Riceballs.
**[02:34] Jyushi**
Hey!
**[02:34] Todo**
It's cold!
**[02:35] Oso**
What's the big idea?!
**[02:36] Both**
Time to wake up!
**[02:38] Oso**
What time is it?
**[02:40] Shake**
7:00 AM.
**[02:41] Oso**
7:00?!
**[02:43] All**
What?! You jackasses!
**[02:45] Todo**
It's still sleepy time!
**[02:46] Kara**
Don't underestimate NEETs!
**[03:01] All**
Hey!
**[03:03] Shake**
First, let's correct your days and nights.
**[03:06] Shake**
At this rate, the estimated
value of your futures is
**[03:10] Shake**
no better than a dung beetle.
**[03:12] Ume**
We need to properly plan out your futures
so you don't become dung beetles.
**[03:16] Oso**
Dung beetles?
**[03:18] Oso**
That's not bad at all.
**[03:19] Both**
What?
**[03:21] Jyushi**
Isn't it amazing that they
can roll dung around?
**[03:23] Ichi**
It's impressive.
**[03:24] Kara**
That seems like a tough job.
**[03:26] Todo**
They really work hard.
**[03:28] Choro**
Dung beetles, huh?
**[03:29] Choro**
Do you think we'll ever achieve that?
**[03:37] Shake**
Time to wake up!
**[03:38] ---**
Time to wake up!
**[03:39] Kara**
Hey, stop that, Brother.
**[03:41] Jyushi**
Don't wanna!
**[03:42] Choro**
Don't wanna!
**[03:42] Shake**
No more being NEETs!
**[03:44] Ume**
You can't stay like this!
**[03:45] Todo**
Ow, ow! That hurts, you tin cans!
**[03:47] Ichi**
Stop that.
**[03:49] Ichi**
What's with you two all of a sudden?
Talk about annoying.
**[03:55] Choro**
Huh? Riceballs? What's with you guys today?
**[03:59] Shake**
We are support AI built
to make all of you happy.
**[04:04] Ume**
Our existence only matters
if we're useful to you.
**[04:08] Shake**
And yet, we haven't been able
to do anything for you yet.
**[04:11] Shake**
So please, tell us.
**[04:13] Both**
What should we do for all of you?
**[04:18] All**
Huh?
**[04:19] Choro**
I mean, you don't really
have to do anything.
**[04:22] All**
Yeah.
**[04:23] Both**
Huh?
**[04:25] Shake**
N-Nothing?
**[04:27] Ume**
We don't have to do anything?
**[04:28] All**
Yeah.
**[04:32] Oso**
Man, what the hell?
**[04:34] Kara**
Why are you trying so hard?
**[04:36] Todo**
We don't even really think of you that way.
**[04:40] Jyushi**
Play catch with me later.
**[04:42] Choro**
I want to do some VR.
**[04:43] Oso**
Hey, wanna go to the horse races today?
**[04:45] Kara**
Good idea. Brothers, let's go
to the horse races today.
**[04:59] Choro**
You know, the Riceballs haven't
been coming by lately.
**[05:02] Jyushi**
True. I wonder what they're up to.
**[05:11] Todo**
Huh?! Who are you?
**[05:13] Choro**
A-An AI?
**[05:14] Sukeroku**
It's a pleasure to meet all of you,
sextuplets of the Matsuno family.
**[05:19] Sukeroku**
I am the number one special AI in the
business, otherwise known as Sukeroku.
**[05:25] Jyushi**
S-Sukeroku?
**[05:27] Jyushi**
Number one in the business?
**[05:29] Oso**
You've got a really sexy voice.
**[05:31] Sukeroku**
I've been assigned to replace your
previous AIs, starting today.
**[05:35] ---**
Huh?!
**[05:36] Jyushi**
Our previous AIs?
What happened to the Riceballs?
**[05:39] Choro**
What happened to Salmon and Pickled Plum?
**[05:41] Kara**
Hey, what's going on here?
**[05:45] Suke**
I am much more efficient.
**[05:48] All**
Huh?
**[05:49] Suke**
I will immediately identify
all of your demands
**[05:52] Suke**
and offer the utmost support
in every possible way.
**[05:57] Suke**
Would you like to meet a lovely lady?
If you let me handle that request...
**[06:02] Suke**
It won't even take three days.
**[06:05] Oso**
Is that true, Sensei?!
**[06:07] Kara**
How do you do it, Sensei?!
**[06:08] Choro**
Tentei!
**[06:09] Ichi**
I will follow you forever.
**[06:10] Todo**
Please guide us!
**[06:12] Jyushi**
Hey!
**[06:14] Jyushi**
First, we need to know
where the Riceballs went!
**[06:17] Choro**
Yeah, the Riceballs!
**[06:18] Todo**
What'd you do with them?!
**[06:19] Kara**
Who are you?!
**[06:22] Kara**
Who are you?!
**[06:23] Suke**
Would you like to graduate
from being virgins?
**[06:26] Suke**
I could resolve that for you in ten days.
**[06:29] All**
Sensei!
**[06:30] Jyushi**
Thank you so much for coming!
**[06:38] Suke**
I bought this on the way over.
**[06:40] Suke**
I will always make sure
to support you, as well.
**[06:44] Suke**
I am a special AI, after all.
**[06:46] Mom**
Thank you so much!
You have such a sexy voice.
**[06:49] Suke**
I am a special AI, after all.
**[06:55] Suke**
Allow me to explain what's going on.
**[06:58] Suke**
To start, this is the
organization we're a part of.
***SIGN*** Independent AI Research Facility
Mucky Muck Sloshy Slosh
Special AI Sukeroku
**[07:02] Suke**
The independent AI research laboratory,
Mucky Muck Sloshy Slosh.
**[07:07] All**
Huh?
**[07:07] Choro**
That's one hell of a name.
**[07:09] Suke**
At Mucky Muck Sloshy Slosh,
**[07:11] Suke**
we do take pride in being
Mucky Muck Sloshy Slosh,
**[07:14] Suke**
but our top objective is to help
the human race that is dealing with
**[07:19] Suke**
so many hardships right now by creating
support AI and by becoming more widespread.
**[07:25] Suke**
Humans are prone to making
mistakes and bad decisions,
**[07:28] Suke**
but we do not have that fault.
**[07:31] Suke**
By striving for efficiency and
predicting estimated values,
**[07:34] Suke**
we are able to make the best
decision in any situation.
**[07:39] Suke**
AI are already showing excellent
results all across the country.
***SIGN*** Good
***SIGN*** Not bad
***SIGN*** Normal
***SIGN*** Undecided
***SIGN*** Unsatisfied
***SIGN*** Akita Prefecture Report from Shittysuke
**[07:43] Shitty**
I got a girlfriend! Hooray, hooray!
***SIGN*** Mie Prefecture Report from Failuremaru
**[07:46] Fail**
I got a job! Hooray, hooray!
***SIGN*** Saga Prefecture Report from Trashio
**[07:50] Trash**
I got married! Hooray, hooray, hooray!
**[07:57] Guy**
Yes, yes.
**[07:58] Suke**
However...
**[08:00] Suke**
The twins that were previously assigned to
you just could not produce good results,
**[08:04] Suke**
bringing down the estimated value of AI.
**[08:08] Big**
*What's so wrong with being NEETs?*
**[08:11] Little**
* There's no reason for you*
* to worry about being NEETs.*
**[08:15] Oso**
Well, we did die quite a few times.
**[08:19] Kara**
It was, like, three times for me.
***SIGN*** Osomatsu and Karamatsu's Grave
***SIGN*** Estimated Value
**[08:23] Suke**
In the end, their estimated value as AI was...
**[08:29] Guy**
What do you think you're doing?!
**[08:32] Guy**
We can't get grants if you don't do your job!
**[08:35] Guy**
Idiots! You're useless!
**[08:37] Guy**
Failures! Birdbrains!
**[08:40] Suke**
So, for that reason,
they have been replaced.
**[08:44] Choro**
R-Replaced?
**[08:45] Ichi**
Does that mean they got fired?
**[08:47] Kara**
B-But... I mean, we were fine with them.
**[08:50] Todo**
Yeah...
**[08:51] Jyushi**
Besides, we're pretty stupid, too.
**[08:53] Oso**
So they were, like, perfect for us.
**[08:57] Suke**
And...
**[08:59] Suke**
They were the ones who asked to be replaced.
**[09:02] Six**
Huh?
**[09:05] (Flashback) Shake**
It appears as though there is nothing
we can do for the sextuplets.
**[09:09] (Flashback) Ume**
There's no point in us being
with them anymore, so...
**[09:13] (Flashback) Both**
Please replace us.
**[09:15] Suke**
They have left the six of
you in my excellent hands,
**[09:20] Suke**
and were assigned to another branch.
**[09:23] Suke**
They went for the optimal solution.
***SIGN*** Dine-in OK
**[09:38] Oso**
Well, what can we do? Apparently
they decided this on their own.
**[09:43] Choro**
Yeah...
**[09:46] Todo**
There's nothing we can do about it.
**[09:48] Ichi**
Yeah.
***SIGN*** Riceballs are here
**[10:15] Todo**
Are we there yet?
**[10:16] Jyushi**
It's so far.
**[10:18] Choro**
Is this the right way?
**[10:20] Oso**
No idea.
**[10:21] Choro**
Don't walk in front, then!
**[10:23] Todo**
Totty can't move anymore! Totty's thirsty!
**[10:26] Choro**
Let's go.
**[10:27] Todo**
Don't wanna! Totty's thirsty!
**[10:30] Jyushi**
Huh?
**[10:37] All**
We're saved!
**[10:43] Kara**
Crap! We can't get across!
**[10:49] All**
We're saved!
**[10:53] Choro**
Yikes... Which way are we supposed to go?
**[11:00] All**
We're saved!
***SIGN*** Riceballs are here
**[11:14] Choro**
We're here. That's the place.
**[11:24] Kara**
Wow... This is where they're working?
**[11:28] Oso**
Where are they?
**[11:29] Todo**
Should we try calling for them?
**[11:31] All**
Yeah.
**[11:34] Todo**
Robots!
**[11:36] All**
Wait, wait, wait.
**[11:38] Jyushi**
Call them by their actual names.
**[11:40] Both**
Todomatsu.
**[11:41] Todo**
I know, I know.
**[11:44] Todo**
Kelp! Cod Roe!
**[11:47] Jyushi**
Who is that?!
**[11:48] Todo**
Who the hell?
**[11:48] Choro**
Did you really come all this way
because you want to see them again?
**[11:51] Todo**
I do want to see them again.
**[11:53] Todo**
I just generally have no interest in others,
so I suck at remembering names.
**[11:56] Choro**
Trash.
**[11:58] Todo**
All right, let's do this together.
**[12:01] All**
Riceballs!
**[12:05] Jyushi**
There they are! Over there!
**[12:07] Both**
Sextuplets!
**[12:09] Six**
Hey!
**[12:12] Shake**
It's been a while.
**[12:13] Ume**
It's been a while.
**[12:15] Choro**
It has! How have you two been—
**[12:20] Choro**
Riceballs?
**[12:23] Kara**
Y-You two...
**[12:25] Shake**
What brings you here today?
**[12:27] Ume**
What brings you here today?
**[12:29] Todo**
Are you guys okay? What kind
of work do you do here?
**[12:31] Shake**
Demolition work.
**[12:34] Ume**
We AI are in charge of doing the extra
dangerous work so the humans don't have to.
**[12:43] Shake**
Well, we have work to do, so...
**[12:45] Ume**
Please excuse us.
**[12:47] Ichi**
Riceballs.
**[12:50] Ichi**
Why did you quit watching over us?
**[12:53] Both**
Because we weren't useful.
**[12:55] Ichi**
Huh?
**[12:57] Shake**
When we asked you what
you wanted us to do for you,
**[13:01] Shake**
you said that we didn't need to do anything.
**[13:04] Ume**
There's nothing we can do for you,
meaning we're pointless.
**[13:09] Ichi**
That's not what we meant by that! It's not!
**[13:12] All**
Yeah.
**[13:16] Both**
What does it mean, then?
**[13:21] Ichi**
What, then? We can't be together
unless you're useful to us?
**[13:25] Ichi**
Are you saying useless guys don't
have a place in this world?
**[13:28] Ichi**
If that's true, then we're meaningless, too.
**[13:31] Ichi**
We're totally useless!
**[13:33] Ichi**
But...
**[13:35] Choro**
I think that's just fine, though. So...
**[13:39] Choro**
Don't just disappear like that, Riceballs.
**[13:46] Guy**
Hey, you two! What are you slacking off for?
**[13:50] Shake**
We apologize for leaving
without an explanation.
**[13:53] Ume**
We apologize.
**[13:56] Both**
But...
**[13:57] Shake**
The estimated value of this
decision is extremely high,
**[14:00] Shake**
and its expected value has risen further,
reaching the point of optimization.
**[14:05] Ume**
If you'll excuse us,
we'll be going back to work.
**[14:07] Jyushi**
Huh?
**[14:07] Todo**
Hey!
**[14:08] Kara**
Wait!
**[14:09] Guy**
Hey! You can't just come in here!
**[14:10] Oso**
Riceballs!
**[14:11] Todo**
Riceballs!
**[14:18] Kara**
Ichimatsu!
**[14:20] Ichi**
Come back!
**[14:21] Ichi**
Come back!
**[14:44] Jyshi**
Ichimatsu-niisan.
**[14:56] Oso**
Huh?
**[14:57] Oso**
These outfits...
**[15:31] Todo**
Wait, why do I look like this?!
**[15:34] Both**
What's the matter?
**[15:37] Ichi**
We're going home.
**[15:38] Both**
Huh?
**[15:41] Shake**
Let's not do this.
**[15:42] Ume**
Let's not do this.
**[15:43] Shake**
This is trespassing!
**[15:44] Ume**
And theft.
**[15:45] Todo**
Can I take this off now?!
**[15:52] Jyushi**
Guys! This way!
**[15:54] All**
Yeah!
**[15:55] Jyushi**
Owie!
**[16:04] Jyushi**
Run away!
**[16:06] All**
Hey!
**[16:13] Shake**
Let's give up.
**[16:14] Ume**
Let's give up.
**[16:16] Shake**
We cannot succeed.
**[16:17] Ume**
We cannot accomplish this.
**[16:19] Shake**
The expected value of success is 1.
**[16:27] Shake**
See? We told you.
**[16:29] Ume**
We cannot win.
**[16:30] Ume**
The expected value of success is 1.
**[16:39] Shake**
See? We told you.
**[16:41] Todo**
Ow!
**[16:41] Shake**
It's no use.
**[16:43] Ume**
There's no point.
**[16:45] Shake**
This is not optimal.
**[16:47] Choro**
Hot!
**[16:48] Ume**
We cannot accomplish this.
**[16:50] Shake**
The estimated value is shit!
**[16:52] Ume**
The expected—
**[16:53] Oso**
Oh, for crying out loud! Shut up already!
**[16:56] Oso**
Estimated value and expected value,
we get it! But we don't care!
**[17:00] Oso**
What we want you to tell us is...
**[17:11] Oso**
Man, this is rough...
**[17:13] Oso**
Why do I have to work so hard?
**[17:17] Shake**
What is it that...
**[17:19] Ume**
...you want us to tell you?
**[17:22] Oso**
Riceballs.
**[17:24] Oso**
What do *you* want to do?
**[17:34] Oso**
My dick!
**[17:53] (Flashback) Oso**
What do *you* want to do?
**[17:58] Shake**
What do we...
**[17:59] Ume**
...want to do?
**[18:02] Shake**
We...
**[18:04] Ume**
We...
***SIGN*** Estimated Value
***SIGN*** Sextuplets
***SIGN*** What we want to do
***SIGN*** NEET AI
**[18:19] Both**
We are... NEET AI!
**[18:26] Oso**
Wait, what just happened?
**[18:37] All**
What?!
**[18:41] Six**
Salmon?!
**[18:43] Six**
Pickled Plum?!
**[18:48] Shake**
Who cares?!
**[18:49] Ume**
We sure don't!
**[18:58] Todo**
Crap! The Riceballs broke!
**[19:03] Kara**
Brother!
**[19:04] Choro**
Nii-san!
**[19:09] Shake**
Yay!
**[19:11] Riceballs**
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
**[19:14] Suke**
It appears they were able
to face their unknown selves,
**[19:19] Suke**
leading them to gain
a sense of themselves.
**[19:21] Suke**
They've become autonomous AI,
**[19:23] Suke**
which was said to be only
a dream in the present age.
**[19:26] Suke**
To think this would be so successful...
**[19:29] Suke**
Fascinating.
**[19:31] Suke**
Yeah! Keep going!
**[19:33] Suke**
This is truly evolution! This is
the first step to singularity!
**[19:38] Guy**
Yay! Yet another
Mucky Muck Sloshy Slosh success!
**[19:42] ---**
Ye—
**[19:44] Guy**
Aiyah!
**[19:48] Ichi**
Riceballs! That's enough, damn it!
**[19:50] Todo**
Hey!
**[19:50] Shake**
Thank you, sextuplets.
We won't be tied down ever again.
**[19:54] Ume**
We will now do what we want.
That's the optimal solution.
**[20:36] Suke**
Please wait, everyone.
**[20:38] Suke**
There's no reason for you to go inside.
**[20:41] Suke**
Because...
**[20:44] Suke**
All the demolition work has
already been completed.
**[20:48] Suke**
We AI took care of it all last night.
**[20:52] Suke**
Good work, everyone.
**[20:55] Guy**
Thanks!
**[20:56] Guy**
That's great!
**[20:57] Suke**
I am a special AI, after all.
**[21:03] Both**
Sextuplets.
**[21:05] Shake**
Thanks to all of you, we were
able to adjust our algorithms
**[21:08] Shake**
to continue living as NEET
AI alongside all of you.
**[21:13] Ume**
Which means...
**[21:15] Both**
We look forward to spending
more time with you.
**[21:21] Both**
Huh?
**[21:22] Todo**
We're gonna have Sukeroku
take care of us from now on.
**[21:25] Jyushi**
We don't need you anymore!
**[21:26] Choro**
You're fired.
**[21:27] Kara**
You've been replaced.
**[21:28] Oso**
Morons.
**[21:29] Ichi**
Good work, I guess.
**[21:30] Six**
See ya. Bye-bye!
**[21:41] Both**
Sheeeh!
**[21:46] Both**
Wait for us!
**[21:48] Suke**
All right, boys! We're gonna head
over to Roppongi and have an orgy!
**[21:53] All**
Sukkeroku! Sukkeroku! Sukkeroku! Sukkeroku!
**[21:56] Both**
Wait!
**[21:59] Shake**
This is all your fault, Pickled Plum!
**[22:01] Ume**
No, Salmon! this is all your fault!
**[22:03] Some**
What did you say?!
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
***SIGN*** "Mr. HNYmatsu"
**[23:40] Oso**
Anyone who has the nerve to ask me how this
year was and face reality is an asshole.
**[23:44] Oso**
They're terrifying.
**[23:45] Oso**
Anyone who asks what I want to do
next year is an even worse shithead.
**[23:48] Oso**
Like, for real. How could
you ask anyone that?
**[23:52] Oso**
Don't you have any common sense?
# E13 - Mr. HNYmatsu
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/GRGVNG01R/mr-hnymatsu)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
**[00:05] Salmon**
I'm Salmon.
**[00:06] Plum**
I'm Pickled Plum.
**[00:08] Both**
We're the Riceballs.
**[00:10] Salmon**
Everyone, Happy...
**[00:12] Both**
...New Year!
**[00:14] Plum**
Thank you for dealing with us this year,
even though we're clearly not human.
**[00:20] Plum**
We pray for everyone's good fortune and
happiness from the bottom of our hearts,
**[00:25] Plum**
and we humbly look forward
to your continued support.
**[00:31] Salmon**
Where are the sextuplets?
**[00:33] Plum**
They happened to drink
too much on New Year's
**[00:37] Plum**
and are still in bed.
**[00:39] Salmon**
What?
**[00:40] Plum**
That's why we're here to do the
New Year's greeting in their place.
**[00:46] Plum**
We're sorry they're such failures.
**[00:48] Salmon**
We're sorry!
**[00:50] Plum**
And so, this is what we'll be doing today.
**[00:53] Both**
"Mr. HNYMatsu."
***SIGN*** Mr. HNYMatsu
**[00:55] Salmon**
You see, we joined this program and found out
about the sextuplets after the Reiwa era began,
**[01:02] Salmon**
so we don't know about their past.
**[01:05] Plum**
Please let us study their past a bit today.
**[01:09] Salmon**
If you're free,
please join us on this journey.
**[01:12] Both**
Let's have a look.
***SIGN*** Employment Office
***SIGN*** Season 1, Episode 2
"Let's Get a Job"
**[02:47] guy**
What job would you prefer?
**[02:49] oso**
I want something big!
Something with charisma!
**[02:52] oso**
I want to be a legend!
A human national treasure!
**[02:54] guy**
Of what, exactly?
**[02:56] guy**
Matsuno Karamatsu-san,
what job would you prefer?
**[03:00] kara**
Silence and solitude.
**[03:02] guy**
Could you be a little more specific?
**[03:05] kara**
A battle with myself... A never-ending trial.
**[03:08] kara**
Eventually, I won't even be able to sta—
**[03:11] kara**
A public servant, please.
**[03:13] guy**
Matsuno Choromatsu-san?
**[03:15] choro**
Yes!
**[03:16] choro**
This is my agenda for today.
***SIGN*** Places I Want to Work
**[03:18] choro**
Honestly, social security is a must,
with a milestone of 200,000 fixed
**[03:22] choro**
and committed per month.
**[03:23] choro**
What do you think?
**[03:24] guy**
You're annoying.
**[03:26] guy**
Matsuno Ichimatsu-san.
What job would you prefer?
**[03:30] ichi**
No preference, really.
I just followed everyone else.
**[03:33] ichi**
Hey, did you just think that I was trash?
**[03:36] ichi**
Yeah, I'm trash, garbage, unburnable
trash that has no will to live.
**[03:40] ichi**
Hey, "unburnable trash" is a good phrase.
I'll write that down.
**[03:45] jyu**
What? Tentacles?!
**[03:46] jyu**
Oh, these? These tentacles?!
**[03:48] jyu**
Yup! I can do tentacles!
**[03:49] jyu**
Yay!
**[03:51] todo**
Do you have a boyfriend?
**[03:52] lady**
No.
**[03:53] todo**
Really?
***SIGN*** Season 1, Episode 4
"Let's Become
Independent"
***SIGN*** Matsuno Family Dependents Selection Interview Hall
**[03:56] mom**
We will now begin the Matsuno Family
Dependents Selection Interviews.
**[04:01] mom**
Those who pass this interview will
become one of my dependents.
***SIGN*** HR
**[04:06] mom**
All of you make sure to show off
what fine sons you are.
**[04:08] mom**
It's a pleasure having you all.
***SIGN*** Please Be Quiet
**[04:10] all**
Thanks for having us.
**[04:13] oso**
I still want to be spoiled!
**[04:15] oso**
I want to live my days with my meals made
for me and my laundry already done!
**[04:19] oso**
I don't wanna do anything!
**[04:20] choro**
*I can't watch this...*
**[04:20] oso**
I don't wanna! Don't wanna!
**[04:22] mom**
So cute! You pass!
**[04:23] four**
What?!
**[04:24] oso**
Really?!
***SIGN*** Sutabaa Coffee
***SIGN*** Season 1, Episode 7
"Todomatsu and
the Five Demons"
**[04:26] both**
What?!
**[04:28] aida**
You're sextuplets?!
**[04:30] sachi**
That's amazing! I've never seen sextuplets!
**[04:32] oso**
I-Is it that uncommon?
Want to take a picture with us?
**[04:36] both**
No thanks!
**[04:40] choro**
*W-Wow, so these are Sutabaa baristas.*
**[04:44] choro**
* Their bodies are glowing with*
* the light called confidence.*
**[04:49] choro**
*And then there's him...*
**[04:51] choro**
*Look at those eyes!*
***SIGN*** Season 1, Episode 14
"Todomatsu's Line"
**[04:53] oso**
Besides, we're all NEETs.
**[04:54] oso**
Don't you think it's wrong for one of us
**[04:56] oso**
to get a job on his own?
**[04:58] todo**
Hmm...
**[05:02] todo**
I don't think so.
**[05:04] oso**
Oh, so you don't. I guess
it can't be helped, then.
**[05:07] todo**
Nope. Can't be helped.
**[05:12] oso**
Of course you can help that! Tell us!
**[05:15] oso**
My loneliness is strangling my heart!
***SIGN*** Season 1, Episode 17
"Jyushimatsu Festival"
***SIGN*** Memories
**[05:18] todo**
Hey, why didn't we do any of this earlier?
**[05:22] choro**
Because we were that scared to find out.
**[05:26] oso**
7th grade.
**[05:27] oso**
8th grade.
**[05:28] oso**
9th grade.
**[05:29] oso**
10th grade.
**[05:30] oso**
11th...
**[05:32] oso**
It was here!
**[05:33] oso**
That suddenly?! He suddenly
turned into that in 10th grade?!
***SIGN*** Sealed
***SIGN*** Season 1, Episode 19
"Choromatsu Rising"
**[05:48] choro**
I know it's not possible to just start job hunting,
**[05:51] choro**
so I'm going to start with free hugs in the city.
**[05:56] oso**
F-F...
**[05:57] todo**
Free...
**[05:58] oso**
Free...
**[06:00] todo**
H-Hugs?! He said he was going to give hugs?!
**[06:03] oso**
Totty!
***SIGN*** Season 1, Episode 22
"The Star of Hope,
Todomatsu"
**[06:05] todo**
What?!
**[06:06] todo**
You're joking, right?
**[06:08] todo**
Are you serious?
**[06:09] todo**
Choose one of you guys to take to the mixer?
**[06:12] choro**
Be honest. Who of us would you pick?
**[06:14] todo**
None of you! It's like comparing
five pieces of goldfish shit!
**[06:16] choro**
That comparison doesn't exist!
**[06:18] todo**
Well, if I had to choose...
**[06:22] todo**
Jyushimatsu-niisan.
**[06:23] three**
What?!
**[06:24] todo**
His hyperactive personality
might be a hit at a mixer.
**[06:28] jyu**
Totty!
**[06:28] todo**
There's no way I could take him, though.
**[06:31] jyu**
Totty?!
**[06:32] todo**
I mean...
**[06:33] todo**
He's been hard ever since I mentioned a mixer.
**[06:37] jyu**
Hardty!
***SIGN*** Season 1, Episode 23
"Kerosene"
**[06:40] todo**
Guys, I'm gonna air things out a bit.
**[06:42] all**
*Huh?*
**[06:45] all**
*What?!*
**[06:49] todo**
*You can all die! This is a war of attrition!*
**[06:51] oso**
*Just how eccentric is he?! Is he stupid?!*
**[06:58] oso**
*Huh? Wait, what was that?*
**[07:00] oso**
*Did Jyushimatsu close it?*
**[07:01] choro**
*Seriously? Has he...*
**[07:03] ichi**
*...been...*
**[07:05] five**
*...awake this whole time?*
**[07:07] four**
*Scary!*
**[07:09] choro**
*What?! I can't believe in anything anymore!*
**[07:11] todo**
* So he's going to stay in that position*
* until someone refills the kerosene?*
**[07:15] todo**
*That back is a waiting back?*
**[07:17] oso**
* What the hell is a "waiting back"?!*
* Is this a horror movie?!*
**[07:20] jyu**
I *said*, the kerosene's out,
Choromatsu-niisan.
**[07:28] choro**
*Wh-Why?! Why did you appoint me?!*
**[07:32] choro**
* Now I have no choice but to refill it!*
* What do you have against me?*
**[07:36] choro**
*What did I ever do to you, Jyushimatsu?!*
**[07:40] jyu**
Ugh, it's so friggin' cold.
**[07:41] osotodo**
Yay! Yay!
**[07:43] choro**
*Jyushimatsu!*
***SIGN*** Season 1, Episode 25
"Osomatsu-san,
Such As It Was"
**[07:48] choro**
* When I got my job, the first thing*
* that popped into my head*
**[07:52] choro**
*was all of their faces.*
**[07:53] todo**
*It's probably better*
**[07:54] todo**
*if we're not together.*
**[07:56] kara**
*At this rate, we sextuplets will be ruined.*
**[08:00] mom**
Osomatsu.
**[08:01] mom**
There's a letter for you.
**[08:05] oso**
Y-You're kidding me...
**[08:08] oso**
We've...
**[08:10] oso**
been selected...
**[08:14] oso**
for the invitational!
***SIGN*** Entered in
Invitational
Matsuno Family
**[08:18] oso**
Hey, guys! You won't believe it!
**[08:20] oso**
We've been selected for the invitational!
**[08:22] todo**
The invitational?!
**[08:23] oso**
Hurry up and come home!
We need to get ready for the match!
**[08:26] kara**
Seriously?!
**[08:26] oso**
This is no time to be selfish
**[08:28] oso**
and talk about things like being
independent and getting a job!
**[08:30] jyu**
True!
**[08:31] oso**
I mean, it's the invitational!
**[08:32] ichi**
Yeah!
**[08:33] oso**
Now's the time to put
our strengths together!
**[08:35] choro**
You're right!
**[08:38] guy**
And now, in the final round of the 89th
Invitational adglkjdsk Tournament,
**[08:42] guy**
it's the Matsuno Family versus the
**[08:43] guy**
Fourth Galactic University
Affiliated High School.
**[08:45] guy**
We've reached the critical moment,
the bottom of the ninth.
**[08:48] todo**
Don't give up so easily!
**[08:50] todo**
It's the invitational! The final round!
**[08:52] todo**
We expected this much!
**[08:54] todo**
Here!
**[08:54] todo**
As the oldest, you have
to sacrifice yourself!
**[08:56] oso**
What?!
**[08:58] todo**
You're the oldest!
**[08:59] oso**
Huh?
**[08:59] todo**
No, seriously!
**[09:00] oso**
You—
**[09:01] todo**
No, seriously, seriously, seriously!
**[09:02] todo**
I mean it! Times like this
are what the oldest is for!
**[09:05] kara**
That's true.
**[09:06] ichi**
He has a point.
**[09:07] choro**
You are the oldest.
**[09:08] jyu**
Yeah, for times like this.
**[09:09] oso**
You guys are seriously the worst!
**[09:11] oso**
All five of you are the enemy!
**[09:13] oso**
Die! Just die!
**[09:14] choro**
Hey, look at that!
**[09:17] all**
Oh! Is that...
**[09:20] all**
Is it finally here?!
**[09:23] deka**
Sorry for the wait.
**[09:24] deka**
With this power we've attained through
overflowing jealousy and lust...
**[09:28] dayon**
We'll kill them all.
**[09:37] all**
R-Run!
**[09:40] toto**
Hold it!
**[09:43] all**
T-Totoko-chan!
**[09:45] toto**
Don't you run away,
**[09:47] toto**
you shitty, stupid, NEET trash virgin
Fappyski brothers with tiny dicks!
**[09:50] all**
B-But...
**[09:51] toto**
You can still do it!
**[09:52] toto**
After all... After all,
if you win this match...
**[09:59] toto**
I'll grant you the right to **** Totoko!
**[10:10] all**
All right!
**[10:54] toto**
Go, you shitty NEETS!
**[11:09] oso**
*I... I wanna do you!*
**[11:11] kara**
*Let me do you!*
**[11:14] choro**
*I don't wanna be a virgin anymore!*
**[11:16] ichi**
*I'd be satisfied with just looking!*
**[11:18] jyu**
*Boobies!*
**[11:19] todo**
*No! Bellybutton wrinkles!*
**[11:24] oso**
* If the six of us can combine*
* our strengths as one...*
**[11:28] all**
*As one...*
**[11:35] oso**
*But!*
**[11:37] oso**
*One, two, and...*
**[11:40] all**
*What's impossible is impossible!*
***SIGN*** Season 2, Episode 1
"Mr. Osomatsu Returns"
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu Returns
**[11:51] Nar**
**Mr. Osomatsu *returns!*
**[11:57] Jyushimatsu**
There you are, proper enemy!
**[11:59] Osomatsu**
All right, let's defeat him!
**[12:01] Five**
Yeah!
**[12:02] Six**
Let's go!
**[12:03] Osomatsu**
Transform properly!
**[12:06] Five**
Transform properly!
**[12:08] Osomatsu**
Combine properly!
**[12:10] Five**
Combine properly!
**[12:19] Osomatsu**
We'll defeat him properly!
**[12:21] Five**
We'll defeat him properly!
**[12:24] Iyami**
Sh-Sheeeh!
**[12:31] Osomatsu**
This is how...
**[12:32] All**
...it should be!
***SIGN*** Kill the Matsu!
**[12:34] Guy**
The hell you're being proper,
you shitty anime!
**[12:37] Mob**
You're wrong!
**[12:38] Mob**
What do you mean, "proper"?!
**[12:39] Mob**
Get a grip, you pieces of trash!
**[12:41] Nar**
* And so the sextuplets were*
* shit if they got big heads...*
**[12:45] Nar**
* and they were shit even if*
* they did things properly.*
**[12:48] Nar**
* They wandered into a labyrinth*
* with absolutely no exit.*
**[12:52] Nar**
*And then...*
**[12:54] Nar**
*they became adults*
**[12:56] Nar**
* without ever figuring out what they*
* should do, or where they should go.*
***SIGN*** Season 2, Episode 2
"Congratulations!
Employment!!"
**[13:04] Choro**
Seriously, we just need to start working.
**[13:06] Choro**
At this rate, we're really
going to get kicked out.
**[13:11] Todo**
Why don't we try streaming, then?
**[13:13] Oso**
Completely Naked Man!
**[13:14] Kara**
No fair! Completely Naked Man!
**[13:16] Jyushi**
Yeah! Completely Naked Man!
**[13:18] Choro**
You somehow always end up
with your clothes off...
**[13:24] Todo**
Oh. Looks like we got reported.
***SIGN*** Video not found
**[13:26] Todo**
Our video's been deleted.
**[13:28] Five**
Huh?
**[13:33] Oso**
What the hell? We're already out of a job?
***SIGN*** Consultation Corner
**[13:36] Guy**
Yeah, that's not happening.
**[13:38] Six**
What?!
**[13:39] Oso**
Why not?! We just lost our jobs!
**[13:41] Both**
What? We can't get unemployment?
**[13:43] Oso**
This is so messed up!
**[13:45] Guy**
You're the ones who are messed up!
**[13:46] Six**
Die, Japan!
**[13:48] Guy**
All of you can die!
***SIGN*** Comments
***SIGN*** [Hell] NEET Sextuplets Gone Wild Stream ~Employment Office~
***SIGN*** Viewing:
**[13:56] Chibita**
Holy crap.
***SIGN*** Season 2, Episode 5
"Osomatsu-san in
the Summer"
**[13:59] Todo**
We're sextuplets!
**[14:00] Choro**
We're sextuplets!
**[14:02] Todo**
We have the same face!
**[14:04] Both**
We have the same face!
**[14:06] Todo**
We're sextuplets!
**[14:08] Both**
We're sextuplets!
**[14:10] Todo**
We're all sextuplets...
**[14:11] Both**
...with the same face!
**[14:13] Oso**
Anyone want us?
**[14:14] Guy**
Hey, what's up with those guys?
**[14:16] Guy 2**
Aren't sextuplets a lot?
**[14:17] Guy 2**
I've seen twins before,
but they're sextuplets!
**[14:19] Guy 2**
Isn't that a lot?
**[14:26] Girl**
Can we take a picture with you?
**[14:28] Guy**
Do the same pose, like sextuplets!
**[14:34] Six**
Sheeeh...
**[14:38] Girls**
What's with these guys? They're hilarious!
**[14:41] Oso**
W-We'll have to try again next year...
**[14:43] Girl**
Seriously?
**[14:43] Five**
Yeah...
***SIGN*** Season 2, Episode 6
"Iyami Has Arrived"
**[14:45] Kara**
The world isn't so kind!
***SIGN*** The world
isn't so kind!!
**[14:54] Todo**
You're all talk!
***SIGN*** You're all talk!
**[14:59] Jyushi**
You freeloader!
***SIGN*** You freeloader!!
**[15:06] Ichi**
You pathetic adult who can't
do anything on your own!
***SIGN*** You pathetic adult who can't
do anything on your own!!
**[15:11] Oso**
If you don't reflect upon your actions,
you're going to end up alone someday!
***SIGN*** If you don't reflect upon your actions,
you're going to end up alone someday!
**[15:16] Choro**
Are you guys stupid?!
**[15:18] Five**
People like you will get
what you deserve someday!
***SIGN*** People like you will get what you deserve someday!
**[15:23] Choro**
What is that?! It's not
even a boomerang anymore!
**[15:33] Iyami**
Evil should die!
***SIGN*** Evil should die!
**[15:41] Iyami**
Sheh?!
**[15:51] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[15:58] Direct**
Okay, go ahead.
***SIGN*** Season 2, Episode 10
"Dubbingmatsu-san"
**[16:07] Kohai**
Huh? Hey, wait a sec!
**[16:09] Kohai**
Those lines aren't in the script!
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[16:11] Senpai**
Only newbies would read the lines
that are actually in the script.
**[16:15] Senpai**
When you're at their level,
you change all of the lines in the script,
**[16:18] Senpai**
rearrange them,
**[16:19] Senpai**
make them your own, and come up
with a completely different story.
**[16:22] Kohai**
Wow...
**[16:27] Kohai**
Wow, that's amazing!
**[16:29] Kohai**
Whoa! Amazing!
**[16:31] Kohai**
What?!
**[16:39] Kohai**
Amazing!
**[16:40] Staff**
Great job, everyone.
**[16:41] Some**
Thank you very much.
**[16:45] Kohai**
Man, who would've thought such professionals
**[16:48] Kohai**
were behind those
shitty episodes that air on TV?
**[16:50] Senpai**
Makes you respect them even more.
**[16:52] Kohai**
Yeah.
***SIGN*** Season 2, Episode 15
"Totty Quiz"
**[16:55] Todo**
Last question!
***SIGN*** Welcome!
4th Annual New Year's
Totty Quiz
**[16:59] Todo**
What should we actually be
concentrating on right now?!
**[17:04] Todo**
A: Finding a job! B: S*x!
***SIGN*** A: Finding a job
B: --x!
**[17:15] Five**
Which is it?!
**[17:19] Todo**
You idiots!
**[17:23] Todo**
Of course the answer is B!
**[17:26] All**
T-Totty!
***SIGN*** Season 2, Episode 23
"The Late Night
Himatsuya 3"
**[17:40] Oso**
Man, we're so amazing.
**[17:42] Oso**
A charismatic model,
the Prime Minister, a president,
**[17:46] Oso**
a doctor, a celebrity, and a gold medalist.
**[17:49] Oso**
We're such a group of winners!
We've basically already won.
**[17:53] Oso**
Hooray!
**[17:54] Five**
Hooray!
**[17:55] Oso**
Hooray!
**[17:56] Five**
Hooray!
***SIGN*** Season 2, Episode 25
"Mr. Osomatsu in Hell"
**[18:16] Oso**
Well, it's actually not that big of a deal.
**[18:21] Oso**
There's just something
I want to say to you guys.
**[18:24] All**
Huh?
**[18:27] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[18:38] Enma**
So, what'd y'all decide?
**[18:39] Enma**
Point to the person y'all think
should go to Hell when I say so.
**[18:43] Enma**
Here we go. Ready, and...
**[18:46] Enma**
And done.
***SIGN*** To Hell
**[18:52] Enma**
Have a nice time in Hell!
**[18:55] Oso**
Listen up, guys...
**[18:59] Oso**
Weren't we all...
**[19:01] Oso**
still virgins?
**[19:04] Choro**
Huh?
**[19:05] Choro**
Er...
**[19:06] Choro**
Um...
**[19:07] Choro**
No, no...
**[19:08] All**
True!
**[19:09] Choro**
No, no, no!
**[19:10] Kara**
That's right! We were still virgins!
**[19:12] Jyu**
And yet we died?! Did we give up?
**[19:14] Ichi**
How stupid...
**[19:15] Todo**
Crap! We have to hurry up and be reborn!
**[19:18] Choro**
Hold it!
**[19:20] Choro**
Weren't you going to tell us something
really important right before we died?!
**[19:25] Choro**
What happened to the
rest of that conversation?!
**[19:27] Oso**
Huh? Say what?
**[19:28] Choro**
Huh?!
**[19:29] Ichi**
Choro-chan, who even cares about
that lame-ass topic right now?
**[19:34] Ichi**
We died as virgins.
That's way more important, isn't it?
**[19:39] Choro**
True!
**[19:40] Ichi**
Right.
**[19:46] Jyu**
Hey, look!
**[19:57] Todo**
Wait, if we climb that,
will we be brought back to life?
**[19:59] Todo**
Seriously?!
**[20:02] Osom**
We're not going to let it end...
**[20:04] All**
...like this!
**[20:07] Oso**
All right!
**[20:13] Oso**
Huh?! What the hell are you doing, Iyami?
**[20:17] Iya**
Stay back! Get off!
**[20:23] Oso**
Why, you...
**[20:24] Iya**
Osomatsu!
**[20:25] Oso**
Iyami!
**[20:33] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[21:00] Choro**
Wait, what are you going to do?!
**[21:02] Todo**
No way!
**[21:05] Chibi**
Go!
**[21:07] Six**
Stop!
**[21:16] All**
Sheeeh!
***SIGN*** Next Life
***SIGN*** Sextuplets
**[21:42] Oso**
We're back!
**[21:44] All**
We're back!
**[21:46] Dad**
W-Welcome back?
**[21:49] Mom**
Welcome back...
**[21:55] Todo**
Our bodies decayed!
**[21:56] Choro**
Shit! I'm on fire!
**[21:58] Kara**
Hot, hot, hot!
**[21:59] Ichi**
Hey, my eyeball fell out.
**[22:01] Jyu**
My dick fell off, too!
**[22:02] Oso**
What was the point in coming back to life?!
**[22:04] Choro**
The hell?!
**[22:05] Jyu**
Crap! My balls fell off, too!
**[22:06] Oso**
Seriously?!
**[22:07] Kara**
What the hell?!
***SIGN*** Iyami's Grave
**[22:15] Iya**
Sheeeh!
**[22:20] ---**
Our batteries are about to run out.
**[22:24] ---**
Thank you all for your time.
**[22:30] ---**
We sure learned a lot.
**[22:34] ---**
Yeah...
**[22:37] ---**
From now on, we're going to do our best
**[22:44] ---**
as NEET AI.
**[22:47] ---**
Yeah...
**[22:50] ---**
So, yes... Everyone...
**[22:56] ---**
Please look forward...
**[22:59] ---**
...to the show again this year...
**[23:06] ---**
Thanks...
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
***SIGN*** "Sparkle Phantom Stream" etc.
# E14 - Sparkle Phantom Stream
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/GG1U2M14J/sparkle-phantom-stream)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
***SIGN*** "Pond Smelt Fishing"
**[00:50] Todo**
So good!
**[01:04] Todo**
Huh? Where'd he go?
**[01:07] Todo**
Eh, whatever.
**[01:25] Todo**
Karamatsu-niisan.
**[01:27] Kara**
What's up?
**[01:28] Todo**
Where'd Osomatsu-niisan and
Choromatsu-niisan go? You have any idea?
**[01:32] Kara**
Huh?
**[01:35] Kara**
Nope.
**[01:40] Todo**
Did they go to the bathroom?
**[01:43] Todo**
Eh, whatever.
**[01:47] Todo**
Huh? Karamatsu-niisan?
**[01:50] Todo**
Huh?
**[01:52] Todo**
What?!
**[01:53] Todo**
Huh?
**[01:57] Todo**
What?!
**[01:59] Todo**
Osomatsu-niisan!
**[02:01] Todo**
Karamatsu-niisan!
**[02:02] Todo**
Choromatsu-niisan!
**[02:04] Todo**
Ichimatsu-niisan!
**[02:05] Todo**
Jyushimatsu-niisan!
**[02:07] Todo**
Guys! Where'd you go?!
**[02:24] Todo**
Wait, what's this?
***SIGN*** That Former Announcer...
**[02:27] Todo**
Porn?
**[02:28] Todo**
Wh-What's it doing in a place like this?
**[02:43] Todo**
W-Wait, no! Help me!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** "Mortal Combat"
**[04:33] Oso**
Man, it's cold... Huh?
**[04:38] Kara**
Ye.
**[04:41] Oso**
Now you've done it, Karamatsu! Take that!
**[04:45] Kara**
Now you've done it, Osomatsu! Take that!
**[04:50] Oso**
Hi-yah!
**[04:52] Kara**
Hi-yah!
**[05:06] Oso**
Hey!
**[05:07] Kara**
Hey!
**[05:12] Todo**
What the heck are you doing?
You're so lou—
**[05:15] Todo**
Hey!
**[05:20] Choro**
Hey!
**[05:24] Jyushi**
Hey!
**[05:26] Ichi**
Hey!
**[05:35] Kara**
Miyanishi!
**[05:39] Todo**
Aoyagi!
**[05:42] Ichi**
Kayama!
**[05:44] Jyushi**
Kai Cannon!
**[05:47] Choro**
Togo!
**[05:49] Oso**
Busenitz!
**[05:51] Oso**
Busenitz!
**[05:53] Oso**
Busenitz!
**[05:56] All**
Busenitz!
**[05:59] Hata**
Busenitz!
**[06:04] Hata**
Jo, jo, jo...
**[06:15] Chibi**
The... The... The...
**[06:17] Iya**
Sheeeh... Sheh!
**[06:21] Toto**
Huh?
***SIGN*** Matsuno
**[06:32] Toto**
Yay! I did it!
**[06:41] Toto**
Hey!
**[06:42] Oso**
You assholes!
**[06:54] Chibi**
Hey! Hurry up!
**[07:03] Dayon**
So cold!
**[07:06] Dayon**
My head's starting to hurt...
**[07:14] Dayon**
I wanna throw, too.
**[07:33] ---**
Wha?!
**[07:34] Hata**
It's done, jo...
**[07:43] Hata**
Thanks for the snow,
everyone around the world, jo.
**[07:48] Oso**
Hold on, Hatabou!
**[07:49] Kara**
Don't do that!
**[07:50] Iya**
Please don't!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** "Sparkle Phantom Stream"
***SIGN*** Bizarre Phenomena Feature
**[08:28] Todo**
Hey, Salmon. Go buy me a meat bun.
**[08:33] Todo**
Salmon?
**[08:34] Todo**
Hey, Salmon.
**[08:36] Plum**
I'm Pickled Plum.
**[08:38] Plum**
Seriously, could you stop mixing us up?
**[08:40] Plum**
The one with the orange necktie
is Salmon. Mine's red.
**[08:44] Plum**
How many times do we have to tell you?
**[08:47] Plum**
What a pain.
**[08:48] Todo**
Don't blame me! You two
look exactly the same!
**[08:51] Todo**
It's all your fault!
**[08:52] Plum**
I don't want to hear that from a sextuplet.
**[08:55] Todo**
You little... Go buy me a meat bun!
**[08:58] Plum**
Get it yourself.
**[09:11] Oso**
Salmon? Hey, that's dangerous. Be careful.
**[09:15] Kara**
Brother!
**[09:17] Ichi**
Hey!
**[09:21] All**
Hot! Hot! Hot!
**[09:22] All**
Hey!
**[09:29] Oso**
The hell's up with these two?
They've totally changed!
**[09:32] Ichi**
They were way better before.
**[09:35] All**
Yeah.
**[09:40] Choro**
Hey, where are you going?
**[09:42] Choro**
What about the laundry today?
**[09:44] Both**
Do it yourselves.
**[09:46] Choro**
Huh?
**[09:46] Salmon**
We're busy.
**[09:49] Choro**
Now, hang on. You're supposed
to be support AI, aren't you?
**[09:52] Plum**
Not anymore. We are NEET AI.
**[09:54] Choro**
You can't be serious!
**[09:56] Salmon**
We decided to do whatever
we want from now on.
**[09:58] Salmon**
But we need to recharge every now
and then, so we'll be back for that.
**[10:02] All**
Huh?!
**[10:03] Ichi**
Mom, are you really okay with this?
**[10:06] Plum**
Mom, here are the goods you asked for.
**[10:11] Mom**
Use as much electricity as you need.
**[10:13] All**
Mom?!
**[10:14] Todo**
They made some kind of deal
right under our noses!
**[10:18] Plum**
Well, we're busy, so...
**[10:20] Jyushi**
Wait!
**[10:22] Kara**
Busy? With what?
**[10:24] Plum**
We've found something we want to do.
***SIGN*** Starting on the Xth of Y!!
**[10:29] Kara**
A-1 Grand Prix?
***SIGN*** Looking for
participants!
**[10:31] Both**
Yes!
**[10:32] Plum**
The A-1 Grand Prix is an
annual comedy competition
**[10:35] Sign**
Stop that
**[10:37] Plum**
to determine who is the funniest AI in Japan.
**[10:40] Salmon**
The winner receives the
title of "Funniest AI"
***SIGN*** Prize 100 Years' Worth of Electricity
**[10:44] Salmon**
and 100 years' worth
of electricity as a prize.
**[10:48] All**
Huh?
**[10:51] Ichi**
You don't mean M-1?
**[10:52] Plum**
It's not M-1. It's A-1.
**[10:55] Salmon**
The only participants are
artificial intelligences.
**[10:57] Ichi**
Does that mean you're a comedy duo now?
**[11:00] Salmon**
Yes.
**[11:01] Plum**
We didn't even need to change our duo name.
**[11:02] Both**
It's Riceballs!
**[11:06] Salmon**
Anyway, we have to come up with our routine.
**[11:08] All**
Hold it!
**[11:10] Todo**
An AI comedy duo? Is that even possible?
**[11:13] Oso**
It's not like you two can
even understand comedy.
**[11:16] Jyushi**
There's no way you guys
could do something funny.
**[11:19] Plum**
Well, we're funnier than you six, at least.
**[11:22] All**
Hey!
**[11:23] Ichi**
You wanna say that again?
That was unforgivable.
**[11:26] Kara**
It's your job to support us!
**[11:29] Plum**
Exactly. So we're going to do everything
we can to support you comedically,
**[11:33] Plum**
since you're not that funny anymore.
**[11:35] All**
Hey!
**[11:36] Ichi**
AI can't pull that off.
**[11:38] Salmon**
And, just in case this comedy
thing doesn't work out for us,
**[11:40] Salmon**
we have a voice function that
allows us to do various voices,
**[11:44] Salmon**
so we'll settle for being
voice actors if we have to.
**[11:46] All**
Hey!
**[11:46] oso**
Don't underestimate voice actors.
**[11:48] Kara**
What do you mean you'll settle?
**[11:51] Todo**
What's with you? What's your
estimated value right now?
**[11:56] Todo**
Hello? What's your expected
value toward comedy?
**[12:02] Todo**
Huh?
**[12:03] Oso**
Support us, damn it!
**[12:05] Oso**
We're all still NEETs! With no girlfriends!
**[12:07] Oso**
What're you going to do
about this huge problem?!
**[12:09] Both**
Sheeeh!
**[12:11] Oso**
Hey! They avoided the question!
**[12:13] Oso**
Stop!
**[12:14] Jyushi**
Hold it!
**[12:18] Kara**
Damn those jackasses!
**[12:19] Todo**
There's no way AI can do comedy!
**[12:22] Oso**
And win a competition? Yeah, right!
**[12:24] Ichi**
Pfft. A-1, my ass.
***SIGN*** Appearing Today
***SIGN*** Riceballs
**[13:08] Jyushi**
What's the matter, Choromatsu-niisan?
**[13:10] Choro**
I need to find something to do in life, too.
**[13:13] Jyushi**
Say what?
**[13:14] Choro**
Something to do... What is it?
**[13:16] Choro**
Something for me to do...
Where's it written?!
**[13:19] Choro**
Where? Is it here? Where?!
**[13:21] Choro**
Where is the answer?!
**[13:24] Jyushi**
What's wrong with you?! Calm down!
**[13:26] Jyushi**
Choromatsu-niisan?!
**[13:31] Jyushi**
Come on, what the heck happened?
***SIGN*** Looking for participants!
***SIGN*** Starting on the Xth of Y!!
**[13:37] Jyushi**
The A-1 Grand Prix.
**[13:40] Jyushi**
What about it?
**[13:41] Choro**
Watching the Riceballs work toward this
made me realize I need to do something, too.
**[13:47] Choro**
I mean... I mean, they're just so...
**[13:49] Choro**
sparkly!
**[13:51] Choro**
At first, there was a part
of me that mocked them.
**[13:54] Choro**
But it's beautiful how hard they're working.
**[13:57] Choro**
People who find something
to do are so sparkly.
**[14:00] Plum**
We blew it.
**[14:01] Salmon**
Let's die.
**[14:03] Choro**
You know how I support Totoko-chan
and Nyaa-chan, right?
**[14:06] Choro**
That's the same deal! They're so sparkly!
**[14:11] Choro**
Chibita's all sparkly from working
so hard at his oden stand.
**[14:15] Chibi**
I'm in the red again.
**[14:16] Choro**
That's why...
**[14:17] Choro**
I want to sparkle, too!
**[14:19] Choro**
I'm going to sparkle starting today!
**[14:21] Choro**
Sparkle! Sparkle!
**[14:24] Jyushi**
*Th-This is...*
**[14:24] Choro**
Sparkle!
**[14:27] Jyushi**
* When you see someone sparkling after*
* they found something they want to do,*
**[14:29] Jyushi**
* you feel the sudden urge*
* to do something yourself.*
**[14:33] Jyushi**
* It's a phenomenon called*
* "sparkle phantom stream."*
***SIGN*** Sparkle Phantom Stream
**[14:38] Choro**
Jyushimatsu!
**[14:40] Choro**
You'll cheer me on, right?
**[14:42] Choro**
You'll cheer me on so I can find
something I want to do, too, right?
**[14:53] Jyushi**
O-O-O-Of course I'll support you.
**[14:56] Choro**
Thank you!
**[14:58] Jyushi**
*Karamatsu-niisan, help me out here.*
**[15:02] Jyushi**
*Damn you, Exclusivematsu!*
**[15:04] Choro**
I wonder what I want to do, though.
**[15:06] Choro**
What do you think it is, Jyushimatsu?
**[15:08] Jyushi**
No idea. I don't think that's
something you ask other people.
**[15:11] Choro**
I wonder what it is...
**[15:20] Jyushi**
Um...
**[15:23] Jyushi**
Don't you have anything you like,
Choromatsu-niisan?
**[15:26] Choro**
Something I like?
**[15:28] Choro**
Idols, anime, manga, light novels...
**[15:32] Jyushi**
Maybe something dealing with those?
**[15:48] Choro**
Nope.
**[15:48] Jyushi**
Huh?
**[15:49] Choro**
I mean, I just like those things.
**[15:51] Choro**
I don't want to actually
do something with them.
**[15:53] Choro**
I don't feel that passionately about them.
**[15:56] Jyushi**
I see.
**[15:57] Choro**
Man, what do I want to do?
**[16:00] Choro**
I guess I don't really understand myself.
**[16:02] Choro**
That's why I can't find the answer.
**[16:04] Choro**
I need to find myself first.
**[16:06] Choro**
Right, Jyushimatsu?
**[16:09] Choro**
But finding yourself is really hard.
**[16:12] Choro**
I mean, let's say your true self is here.
**[16:15] Choro**
I want to find this guy, but the one
looking for this guy is me, too.
**[16:20] Choro**
This is Choromatsu and this is Choromatsu.
**[16:23] Choro**
Who's the real Choromatsu? Is it you? Or you?
**[16:27] Choro**
Well, which is it?
**[16:30] Choro**
Okay, got it. I clearly need
to go on a journey first.
**[16:36] Jyushi**
Wait, hang on! Don't go
on that trip just yet!
**[16:38] Jyushi**
* Crap! Choromatsu-niisan is definitely*
* headed in the wrong direction.*
**[16:42] Jyushi**
*I need to point him in the right direction.*
**[16:44] Jyushi**
*But if I do that to him right now...*
**[16:47] Jyushi**
* Choromatsu-niisan will probably die!*
* That's why I can't tell him.*
**[16:50] Jyushi**
*How do I get this through to him?*
**[16:55] Jyushi**
*Karamatsu-niisan's finally making a move!*
**[16:59] Kara**
Heh, Brother.
**[17:01] Kara**
A journey, eh? That's a great idea.
**[17:03] Kara**
Good luck. Have a nice journey!
**[17:05] Choro**
Thanks!
**[17:07] Jyushi**
*Don't push him further down this path!*
**[17:08] Choro**
You're so nice, Karamatsu.
**[17:10] Jyushi**
*Or he's just toxic!*
**[17:16] Choro**
Hey, this looks good.
**[17:18] Choro**
I think I can do this.
**[17:22] Choro**
DIY!
**[17:25] Jyushi**
Where'd this come from?
You never mentioned this before.
**[17:28] Choro**
I've been interested in it for a while.
**[17:30] Jyushi**
This is the first I'm hearing about it.
**[17:31] Choro**
I've always wanted to do this.
**[17:33] Jyushi**
This is the first I'm hearing about it.
**[17:34] Choro**
So, DYI.
**[17:35] Jyushi**
Huh?
**[17:37] Choro**
Support me.
**[17:39] Jyushi**
Huh?
**[17:45] Jyushi**
I got these from the mountain back there.
**[17:48] Jyushi**
I borrowed these from Dekapan...
**[17:51] Jyushi**
and these from Chibita.
**[17:53] Jyushi**
Well, you've got what you need. Have at it.
**[18:07] Choro**
This isn't it.
**[18:08] Jyushi**
What?!
**[18:09] Choro**
It seems like a lot of work.
And I might get hurt.
**[18:11] Choro**
Also, I'm not *that* interested.
**[18:14] Choro**
It can't be something I thought
of in five seconds, Jyushimatsu.
**[18:17] Choro**
I don't see myself becoming sparkly with this.
**[18:20] Jyushi**
It took me a while to get all this stuff...
**[18:22] Choro**
Anyway, I found something great.
***SIGN*** Solo Camping
**[18:25] Choro**
Solo camping.
**[18:26] Choro**
I think this is perfect. You know
how much I like nature, right?
**[18:29] Jyushi**
This is the first I'm hearing about it.
**[18:31] Choro**
You can't always rely only your brain.
Moving your body is important, too.
**[18:35] Jyushi**
Then why not just do some DIY?
**[18:36] Choro**
I'm gonna go camping.
**[18:38] Jyushi**
Huh?
**[18:39] Choro**
Support me.
**[18:41] Jyushi**
Huh?
**[18:49] Jyushi**
All done!
**[18:52] Choro**
This isn't it.
**[18:53] Jyushi**
Huh?!
**[18:54] Choro**
There are bugs everywhere!
I can't deal with bugs!
**[18:58] Choro**
I don't see myself becoming sparkly with this.
**[19:03] Choro**
So, I found something great...
**[19:11] Choro**
This isn't it.
**[19:12] Choro**
I don't have time to help out others.
**[19:15] Choro**
*I'm* the one who needs help here.
**[19:17] Choro**
So, I found something great...
**[19:21] Choro**
This isn't it.
**[19:23] Choro**
This isn't it.
**[19:26] Choro**
This isn't it.
**[19:30] Choro**
Good grief.
**[19:32] Choro**
I guess whatever I want to do doesn't exist.
**[19:36] Choro**
Man, this world sucks... Huh?
**[19:44] Jyushi**
Get a clue! Your own image is barely there!
You're too easily influenced by others!
**[19:48] Jyushi**
You keep saying it's too much
trouble or work, but of course it is!
**[19:50] Jyushi**
Of course you can't keep it up! Because
you didn't decide this for yourself!
**[19:54] Jyushi**
Like you'll ever find something
you actually want to do, dumbass!
**[19:58] Choro**
Sorry, this is all my fault.
**[20:01] Choro**
But let me just say this.
**[20:04] Choro**
Shut up.
**[20:05] Jyushi**
Huh?
**[20:06] Choro**
Shut the hell up!
**[20:07] Choro**
I know that, okay?! You're the
ones who don't understand!
**[20:11] Jyushi**
Choromatsu-niisan?
**[20:13] Choro**
It's not like I want to actually
find something I want to do!
**[20:16] Choro**
I just want to sparkle, damn it!
**[20:18] Choro**
That's my main goal here!
**[20:19] Jyushi**
What?! You're admitting that?!
**[20:21] Choro**
Well, everyone else is all sparkly!
**[20:23] Choro**
I'm the only one not sparkling!
**[20:25] Choro**
But I don't really have
anything I want to do.
**[20:27] Choro**
It's not like I can find it.
I don't even know how to find it!
**[20:30] Choro**
I think I finally found it,
but it's an illusion!
**[20:32] Choro**
Then, if I create something I
want to do, I get told it's fake!
**[20:36] Choro**
So what the hell am I supposed to do?!
**[20:38] Choro**
How am I supposed to sparkle?!
**[20:40] Choro**
How do you all do it?!
**[20:42] Choro**
God damn it! Damn you all!
**[20:44] Jyushi**
Hey, what's the big idea?!
**[20:50] Kara**
Th-They're...
**[21:02] Kara**
They're totally sparkling...
**[21:04] Kara**
I can't get left behind!
**[21:06] Kara**
Guys!
**[21:21] Oso**
The hell are you guys doing?
**[21:24] Oso**
Yikes, you're creepy!
**[21:26] Choro**
Osomatsu-niisan! We finally
found our calling in life!
**[21:29] Jyushi**
We did!
**[21:30] Kara**
We sure did!
**[21:32] All**
Ta-da!
**[21:33] All**
We're going to raise a goldfish!
**[21:36] Oso**
Huh?
**[21:37] Jyushi**
The three of us are gonna work super hard...
**[21:39] Kara**
...to take care of this goldfish every day.
**[21:43] Choro**
Well? Am I sparkling?
**[21:45] Both**
You are!
**[21:47] Both**
Are we sparkly?
**[21:48] Choro**
You sure are!
**[21:50] All**
Sparkle! Sparkle!
**[21:53] Some**
Aw, sparkly...
**[21:55] Ichi**
I see it's begun again this year.
***SIGN*** End
**[21:57] Todo**
It sure has...
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[23:31] Choro**
I'm Matsuno Choromatsu.
**[23:32] Choro**
Next week, we have "Cosplaymatsu."
**[23:34] Choro**
It's a story where we'll be in
different outfits doing "that."
**[23:37] Choro**
If you're ever going to wear
different outfits and do "that,"
**[23:40] Choro**
please make sure to invite me.
**[23:41] Choro**
I'll come watch.
**[23:43] Choro**
I'm Matsuno Choromatsu.
**[23:45] Choro**
Huh? What's "that"?
**[23:47] Choro**
Huh?! Why would you ask something so lewd?!
***SIGN*** "Cosplaymatsu"
**[23:51] Choro**
Just where are you from?!
# E15 - Cosplaymatsu
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/G0DUN3ZKG/cosplaymatsu)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
**[00:00] Kara**
I don't want this.
**[01:36] Atsushi**
I'm done with this world!
**[01:38] Choro**
Oh, dear. What should we do?
**[01:40] Jyushi**
Hey, perfect timing.
**[01:43] Choro**
Officer!
**[01:44] Choro**
We've got a situation!
Someone's about to jump!
**[01:47] Jyushi**
Look! Right up there!
**[01:50] Ichi**
Ah, nothing I can do about that.
**[01:52] Both**
Huh?
**[01:53] Choro**
Wait, wait! You need to stop him!
***SIGN*** Nothing I Can Do Police
**[01:55] Jyushi**
He'll die if you don't!
**[01:57] Ichi**
Nothing I can do.
**[01:59] Choro**
Yes, there is!
**[02:00] Jyushi**
Hurry! Use this!
**[02:01] Ichi**
Uh...
**[02:03] Ichi**
What?
**[02:06] Ichi**
So, hey... You up there.
**[02:08] Choro**
You're so quiet! Project!
**[02:11] Ichi**
You there. Don't do anything stupid.
**[02:13] Atsushi**
Shut up! I'm just going to end it all!
**[02:15] Ichi**
Don't. It'll be a mess
There'll be nothing we can do.
**[02:19] Atsushi**
What do you mean?!
As if you could understand my pain!
**[02:22] Atsushi**
I feel all alone at work.
**[02:25] Ichi**
For real? Well, nothing you can do,
then. Go ahead and jump.
**[02:28] All**
Huh?!
**[02:29] Ichi**
Three, two, one...
**[02:32] Choro**
Why are you counting down?!
We're telling you to stop him!
**[02:35] Ichi**
Nothing I can do.
**[02:37] Choro**
Talk him out of it!
**[02:38] Jyushi**
You're a police officer, aren't you?!
**[02:39] Ichi**
Nothing I can do, I guess.
**[02:47] Choro**
Why are you jumping instead?
**[02:48] Ichi**
Nothing I can do.
**[02:50] Jyushi**
What do you mean?!
**[02:51] Ichi**
Nothing we can do.
**[02:53] Choro**
Why are we all jumping?!
**[02:55] Jyushi**
This is messed up! Let's not!
**[02:56] Ichi**
Nothing we can do, though, right?
**[02:59] Choro**
Forget it! Just stay out of this!
**[03:02] Choro**
Hey, you!
**[03:03] Choro**
We're all going through
a rough time right now.
**[03:05] Choro**
Buck up!
**[03:07] Choro**
I'm sure you can do the
same as everyone else.
**[03:10] Choro**
Have more confidence in yourself!
**[03:12] Ichi**
Shut up!
**[03:14] Ichi**
It's because guys like you
exist that I want to die!
**[03:17] Ichi**
Everyone's the same? It's because
nobody's the same that shit sucks!
**[03:21] Ichi**
You go over the side.
**[03:23] Choro**
What?!
**[03:24] Ichi**
Die! Jump!
**[03:25] Choro**
Stop!
**[03:26] Ichi**
Nothing I can do, then.
**[03:28] Ichi**
Guess I'll jump.
**[03:29] Both**
Please don't!
**[03:30] Ichi**
We can all go, then.
**[03:31] Both**
Why?!
**[03:38] Atsuhi**
Thank you very much.
**[03:40] Atsushi**
You gave me something to live for.
**[03:43] Ichi**
I didn't. There was just
nothing I could do about it.
**[03:46] Ichi**
You're the one who made this decision.
**[03:53] Girl**
Atsushi-kun!
**[03:55] Girl**
I was so worried!
**[03:58] Ichi**
And who's this?
**[04:01] Atsushi**
My girlfriend.
**[04:04] Both**
Hey, hey, hey!
**[04:05] Choro**
Nothing we can do about that!
**[04:07] Jyushi**
Yeah!
**[04:08] Both**
There's nothing we can do about it!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** President of the Neighborhood Association
***SIGN*** The Earnest Old Guy
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[04:14] Kara**
What?
***SIGN*** Maid
**[04:16] Kara**
M-Maids? At an oden stand?
***SIGN*** The Hell?! Maid
**[04:21] Kara**
Chibita?!
**[04:23] Kara**
I know you lost business because of COVID,
but I think you have the wrong idea!
**[04:26] Chibi**
I'm glad ya done came home.
The hell?! Master, you idjit!
**[04:30] Kara**
*He got that wrong in every way!*
**[04:32] Kara**
*No maid talks like that!*
**[04:34] Chibi**
I'll be the one feedin' ya today.
**[04:37] Chibi**
I'm the Rockheaded Meowytweet
Moe-Moe Tweedledee Chibita.
***SIGN*** Maid in Oden
**[04:41] Kara**
*You probably don't need the "Rockheaded" part.*
**[04:43] Chibita**
Let's moe-moe kyun-kyun and heal together.
**[04:46] Kara**
* There's nothing healing*
* about this. It hurts.*
**[04:48] Chibita**
Here's your menu!
**[04:50] Chibita**
We have Meowy Meow Daikyun,
**[04:51] Chibita**
Squee-Squee Eggies,
**[04:53] Chibita**
Moe-Moe Kyonjac,
**[04:54] Chibita**
Tweedledee Meowy Meow Beef Twendon,
**[04:56] Chibita**
and Moe-Moe Doot-Do-Doo Meowy Meow
Ota-Ota Kyun-Kyun Chikuwa-tan.
**[05:00] Kara**
*What did you even say? It all sounds gross.*
***SIGN*** Karamatsu-tan I wuv, wuv, wuv you
**[05:02] Kara**
*I can't eat this! It's like a punishment!*
**[05:05] Chibita**
Now I'll put a spell on this drink
to make it extra delicious.
**[05:08] Chibita**
Master, please repeat after me.
**[05:11] Kara**
* What? You're making me participate*
* in this hell, too? Seriously?*
**[05:15] Chibita**
The hell?
***SIGN*** Maid in Oden
**[05:17] Kara**
What?
**[05:18] Chibita**
The hell?
**[05:19] Kara**
Th-Th-The hell?
**[05:22] Chibi**
You idjit!
**[05:22] Kara**
You idjit?
**[05:24] Chibi**
Damn it!
**[05:25] Kara**
*The hell kind of spell is this?!*
**[05:26] Chibita**
The hell?! You idjit! Damn it!
**[05:30] Chibi**
Moe, moe!
**[05:31] Chibi**
Now, let's see what color
your drink turned out to be!
**[05:36] Chibi**
It's brown!
**[05:37] Chibi**
It's oden soup!
**[05:39] Chibi**
Moe, moe! Moe, moe!
**[05:43] Kara**
*He just jacked up his throat.*
**[05:45] Chibi**
Nothing says "maid café" like photo ops.
***SIGN*** Maid in Oden
**[05:47] Kara**
*I don't want one.*
***SIGN*** Come again! Chibita
**[05:49] Chibi**
Here you go, Master.
***SIGN*** Karamatsu
**[05:51] Chibi**
Hand over 5,000 yen, you idjit.
**[05:53] Kara**
Now you're scamming me?!
**[05:55] Chibi**
Nothing says "maid café"
like fun games to play!
**[05:58] Chibi**
Kabu.
**[06:00] Chibi**
InoShikaCho.
**[06:03] Chibi**
Matching dice! Times three!
**[06:04] Kara**
*No maid would play these games!*
**[06:07] Chibi**
I'm going to sing!
**[06:11] Chibi**
*Eggs, konjac, daikon, chikuwabu!*
***SIGN*** Karamatsu-tan I wuv, wuv, wuv you!
**[06:17] Chibi**
*Let's have some hot oden*
**[06:20] Chibi**
*The hell?! You idjit! Damn it!*
**[06:22] Chibi**
*It's okay if I'm small*
**[06:24] Chibi**
*It's okay if I'm bald*
**[06:25] Chibi**
*I'm still a maid at this stand*
**[06:29] Chibi**
*Eggs, konjac, daikon, chikuwabu!*
**[06:30] Kara**
Chibita! Come back to us!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Moe Kyun
Chibita
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[06:35] Chibi**
Damn it!
***SIGN*** No Chance Trial
**[06:39] Choro**
May I, Your Honor?
**[06:42] Choro**
The defendant's rudeness
is truly despicable.
**[06:45] Choro**
He has no problem farting
when others are around.
**[06:48] Choro**
Even when we're eating!
**[06:50] Choro**
He'll even raise his butt halfway up to do it.
**[06:54] Choro**
There are times when he'll fart
in your face as he walks by.
**[06:58] Choro**
The prosecution demands payment
of 100,000 yen in damages!
**[07:03] Oso**
100,000 yen?!
***SIGN*** Objection!
**[07:04] Kara**
Objection!
**[07:05] Kara**
That's asking far too much!
**[07:07] Kara**
We're talking about him doing this at home!
**[07:09] Choro**
And he's bothering us!
**[07:11] Choro**
He does this all the time!
**[07:13] Kara**
It's just a physiological
phenomena. He can't help it.
**[07:15] Choro**
Your Honor, I ask for a fair deliberation.
**[07:21] Todo**
Death.
**[07:26] Choro**
Your Honor?
**[07:27] Kara**
Please wait, Your Honor!
**[07:29] Kara**
D-Death? Really?
**[07:31] Todo**
Death.
**[07:32] Kara**
Isn't that a bit harsh?
**[07:33] Choro**
Even the prosecution isn't
asking for that much.
**[07:36] Todo**
Death.
**[07:39] Oso**
I regret my actions!
**[07:42] Oso**
I was a fool...
**[07:44] Oso**
I took advantage of my family.
**[07:46] Oso**
Please forgive me!
**[07:48] Oso**
I'm so sorry!
**[07:51] Choro**
Do you truly regret your actions?
**[07:53] Oso**
Yes!
**[07:54] Choro**
So you'll never fart again
when you shouldn't?
**[07:57] Oso**
I won't!
**[07:59] Choro**
Your Honor.
**[08:00] Choro**
It appears that the defendant
truly does regret his actions,
**[08:04] Choro**
so the prosecution would like
to retract the accusation.
**[08:10] Todo**
Death.
**[08:10] Kara**
What?!
***SIGN*** Punishment
**[08:12] Choro**
Your Honor...
**[08:13] Kara**
Were you listening at all?
**[08:15] Kara**
He retracted the accusation!
**[08:17] Todo**
Death.
**[08:18] Choro**
No, wait. The prosecution
has forgiven him...
**[08:21] Todo**
That's nice. But I'm never
going to forgive him.
**[08:24] Kara**
Wait, wait, wait. He clearly felt bad!
**[08:27] Todo**
He's just saying that now.
**[08:28] Todo**
He'll do it again.
**[08:29] Todo**
Come on. People don't change that easily.
**[08:33] Todo**
Trouble's always trouble.
**[08:35] Todo**
"Did he really change? Is he all better?"
**[08:38] Todo**
You get your hopes up, and we're the ones
**[08:40] Todo**
who get hurt when he hasn't
changed a damn bit, so...
**[08:43] Todo**
Death!
**[08:44] Kara**
We've called a witness!
**[08:46] Todo**
A witness?
**[08:46] Kara**
His family. Get in here!
**[08:50] Ichi**
This is partially his family's fault for
not being able to properly discipline him.
**[08:54] Jyushi**
We're to blame, too.
**[08:56] Ichi**
But he's not a total piece of shit.
**[08:58] Jyushi**
He's fun to be around, so I hope you'll—
**[09:01] Todo**
Death.
**[09:02] Kara**
He wasn't done yet, Your Honor!
***SIGN*** Punishment
**[09:04] Todo**
There are plenty of guys
**[09:05] Todo**
who aren't total pieces of shit
who are fun to be around.
**[09:09] Todo**
There are plenty of people out there who
are good, even if their families are shit.
**[09:13] Todo**
Death.
**[09:15] Todo**
Right. Let's make that sentence happen.
**[09:16] Oso**
Wha? Wait! Hey!
**[09:17] Choro**
You're carrying it out yourself?!
**[09:19] Oso**
Please! Give me one more chance!
**[09:21] Todo**
No chance.
**[09:22] Oso**
One chance!
**[09:22] Todo**
No chance.
**[09:23] Oso**
One chance!
***SIGN*** Punishment
**[09:26] Todo**
Do you really regret your actions?
**[09:27] Oso**
Y-Yes! I promise never to randomly fart again!
**[09:30] Oso**
I can change!
**[09:33] Todo**
All right, fine.
**[09:37] Todo**
Death.
**[09:38] Oso**
What?!
**[09:44] Choro**
I guess some people just can't let things go.
***SIGN*** End
**[09:46] Kara**
I guess.
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[09:54] Choro**
Hello! It's me, Choromatsu!
***SIGN*** Reborn as a Mosquito
**[09:56] Choro**
I turned into a mosquito!
**[09:58] Choro**
Buzz, buzz.
**[10:01] Choro**
So how did I end up a mosquito, you ask?
**[10:03] Choro**
Well, you see...
**[10:05] (Flashback) Choro**
Aw, man. I just can't get popular.
**[10:08] (Flashback) Choro**
I want to meet some girl and talk,
hold hands, and go out on dates!
**[10:15] (Flashback) Choro**
My sexual desires are just building up.
**[10:19] (Flashback) Choro**
Huh?
**[10:21] (Flashback) Choro**
Whoa! I turned into a mosquito!
**[10:25] Choro**
Now I can suck the blood of
as many cute girls as I want!
**[10:29] Choro**
Slurp! Yummy!
**[10:30] Choro**
Slurp! Yummy! Like that.
**[10:34] Choro**
Are you guys creeped out? Because I sure am.
**[10:37] Choro**
This is super creepy.
**[10:39] Choro**
But I'm a mosquito, so what're you gonna do?
**[10:43] Choro**
Buzz, buzz...
**[10:45] Choro**
Oh, hey! It's Totoko-chan!
***SIGN*** Uochuu
**[10:47] Choro**
Guess I'll have to get a taste
of her naughty exposed legs!
**[10:53] Choro**
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz...
**[10:58] Choro**
It's no use. I can't.
**[11:00] Choro**
I just can't do it! The guilt...
**[11:03] Choro**
I'm too nervous! I'm getting cold feet.
**[11:06] Bad**
What the hell are you doing, Choromatsu? Go!
**[11:08] Bad**
You're a perv, aren't you? Now go suck!
**[11:11] Choro**
B-But...
**[11:12] Bad**
You're *supposed* to suck. You're a mosquito.
**[11:16] Choro**
True.
**[11:17] Bad**
Now go suck!
**[11:18] Choro**
I will!
**[11:19] Choro**
Buzz...
**[11:22] Choro**
I just can't do it...
**[11:25] Choro**
Aw, Totoko-chan, wait up.
**[11:28] Choro**
My precious exposed legs...
**[11:30] Choro**
Damn it! Damn it all!
**[11:34] Choro**
But I *am* a mosquito, so I want
to suck up some blood.
**[11:37] Choro**
Nothing else I can do.
**[11:38] Choro**
I'll have to settle with him.
**[11:41] ---**
Slurp...
**[11:42] Choro**
This tastes like shit!
**[11:47] Ichi**
Tch.
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Mister
**[11:54] Kids**
Mr. Osomatsu, let's play!
***SIGN*** Matsu
**[12:00] Oso**
You brats again?
**[12:02] Kids**
Mr. Osomatsu!
**[12:03] Oso**
I told you guys not to come here.
**[12:06] Oso**
I'm pretty dangerous, you know.
**[12:08] Ichi**
Let's play, Mister.
**[12:10] Todo**
Let's play!
**[12:11] Oso**
Nope. Go home.
**[12:13] Oso**
Your parents are gonna get mad.
**[12:15] Oso**
At me, that is!
**[12:19] Jyushi**
I brought these.
**[12:21] Jyushi**
Pachinko balls.
**[12:23] Oso**
All right, let's play.
**[12:24] All**
Yay!
**[12:28] Choro**
What should we play today, Mr. Osomatsu?
**[12:30] Kara**
I wanna see a picture card show!
**[12:32] Oso**
A picture card show?
That's a pain in the ass.
**[12:37] Oso**
All right, let's do this.
**[12:38] All**
Yay!
***SIGN*** The Tortoise and the Hare
**[12:41] Oso**
Well, here we go.
"The Tortoise and the Hare."
**[12:43] Kids**
Yay!
**[12:45] Oso**
Once upon a time, there was
a tortoise and a hare.
**[12:48] Hare**
Let's race to the top of that mountain!
**[12:52] Oso**
The hare was fast.
**[12:53] Oso**
The tortoise was slow.
**[12:55] Oso**
Their difference in skill was apparent.
***SIGN*** However!
**[12:58] Oso**
However!
**[13:00] Oso**
The hare took his skills for
granted and slacked off.
**[13:03] Oso**
Meanwhile, the tortoise just kept
working hard, slowly and steadily.
**[13:07] Oso**
He eventually caught up with the hare,
***SIGN*** Would you believe it?!
**[13:09] Oso**
and would you believe it?!
***SIGN*** Goal
**[13:10] Oso**
The one who reached the finish
line first was the tortoise!
**[13:13] Jyushi**
The tortoise is awesome!
**[13:14] Ichi**
So cool...
**[13:16] Todo**
He's so great.
**[13:17] Oso**
However...
***SIGN*** Goal
**[13:19] Oso**
The place that the tortoise thought was
the goal was not actually the goal.
***SIGN*** Nope
**[13:23] Oso**
His journey down the road
of life still continued on.
***SIGN*** Life
**[13:26] Oso**
The tortoise was quite tired,
but he continued running anyway.
**[13:31] Oso**
And then the hare,
**[13:32] Oso**
who had reflected on his actions,
came flying by at incredible speed.
**[13:37] Oso**
The hare was on a roll and
thought he was number one,
**[13:41] Oso**
but then he saw the shadows of the
amazing ones in front of him.
**[13:45] Oso**
That's right.
**[13:46] Oso**
The true hares who were always modest,
never slacked, and always worked hard.
***SIGN*** The Real Deal
**[13:51] Oso**
Society is actually filled
with these assholes.
**[13:53] Oso**
They're all amazing.
You just can't beat them.
**[13:55] Oso**
And in front of the true hare was a cheetah.
**[14:00] Oso**
And in front of him was a true cheetah.
**[14:03] Oso**
And in front of him was something that
was born with wings and could fly.
**[14:08] Oso**
And in front of him were even
more truly amazing runners.
**[14:11] Oso**
No one actually knew who
was in front anymore.
**[14:15] Oso**
They're too powerful.
**[14:17] Oso**
There are too many people above you.
**[14:19] Oso**
After the tortoise found out how
society worked, he thought...
**[14:23] Oso**
"So this is the difference in talent?
No amount of hard work is going to fix this."
**[14:27] Oso**
"All right. I'm done competing with others."
**[14:32] Oso**
"I'm out."
**[14:34] Oso**
That's when the tortoise discovered alcohol,
***SIGN*** Tortoise Tales
**[14:36] Oso**
he got hooked on gambling,
**[14:37] Oso**
his wife left him,
**[14:38] Oso**
he struggled paying child support,
***SIGN*** Balance
***SIGN*** Turtle Tortoise Bank
**[14:40] Oso**
he ended up in a ton of debt, and...
**[14:43] Oso**
So, who could this tortoise be?
**[14:46] Oso**
The answer is...
**[14:49] Oso**
It's me!
**[15:01] Kara**
Are you crying, Mister?
**[15:05] Choro**
Mister?
***SIGN*** End
**[15:19] All**
Mister!
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
***SIGN*** I Do What I Want Bartender
**[15:27] Ichi**
I'm beat.
**[15:29] Todo**
I just have to have a drink.
**[15:31] Kara**
Welcome, ladies.
**[15:36] Kara**
I'll take your orders whenever you're ready.
**[15:39] Todo**
Oh, I'll take a draft beer.
**[15:40] Ichi**
I'll have a highball.
**[15:41] Kara**
Huh?
**[15:44] Kara**
Uh, sure. You got it.
**[15:48] Ichi**
I wonder what that was about.
**[15:50] Todo**
Yeah.
**[16:04] Kara**
Sorry to keep you waiting. Here are
your Karamatsu original cocktails,
**[16:08] Kara**
"I Love You" and "Oh, My Little Gir."
**[16:11] Todo**
That's not what we ordered.
**[16:12] Kara**
Huh?
**[16:13] Ichi**
I asked for a highball.
**[16:15] Todo**
I asked for a draft beer.
**[16:15] Kara**
You really just want a draft beer?
**[16:18] Todo**
What? That's why I asked for one.
**[16:20] Kara**
Seriously? A highball?
**[16:21] Ichi**
What?
**[16:23] Kara**
Okay, I guess.
**[16:29] Todo**
Uh, that's clearly not a draft beer!
**[16:32] Todo**
Why are you looking over here?
**[16:34] Ichi**
Stop looking over here.
**[16:36] Kara**
Thank you for waiting. I've created the
perfect cocktails for you beautiful ladies.
**[16:40] Kara**
Dog Drool and Cat Shit.
**[16:43] Kara**
And here's the perfect cocktail for me:
**[16:46] Kara**
"Who Is the Perfect Nice Guy?
Yes, Karamatsu Clinic."
**[16:51] Kara**
What? For me? You shouldn't have.
**[16:55] Both**
Hold it!
**[16:56] Todo**
Draft beer!
**[16:57] Ichi**
Highball!
**[16:58] Todo**
And why is your drink obviously
better than ours?!
**[17:01] Todo**
How much does that cost?!
**[17:03] Todo**
Don't drink it!
**[17:05] Ichi**
You're totally serving customers
what you want to serve them
**[17:08] Ichi**
rather than making what
they ordered, aren't you?
**[17:10] Kara**
Gulp!
**[17:10] Ichi**
That's not good. Serve what
your customers ask for.
**[17:13] Todo**
A draft beer.
**[17:14] Ichi**
A highball, please.
**[17:16] Kara**
Coming right up.
**[17:20] Kara**
Damn it!
**[17:21] Kara**
Who the hell orders a draft
beer and a highball?!
**[17:24] Kara**
I can make drinks that are even
better and more delicious!
**[17:26] Kara**
They're totally better!
**[17:28] Todo**
Uh, we can hear you.
**[17:29] Kara**
But what can you do, Karamatsu?
This is your job, Karamatsu.
**[17:33] Kara**
Grow up, Karamatsu!
You've got this, Karamatsu!
**[17:35] Kara**
Don't let them get you down, Karamatsu!
**[17:37] Ichi**
How many times are you
going to say your name?
**[17:48] Kara**
Nope!
**[17:49] Both**
What?!
**[17:54] Kara**
Sorry to keep you waiting!
Here's my ultimate masterpiece...
**[17:57] Kara**
"The Karamatsu Mountain!"
**[18:01] Kara**
Huh? No one's here. Well, whatever.
**[18:04] Kara**
This is great! The best!
So fancy! Great taste!
**[18:10] Kara**
Thanks for the drinks! I'll come back again!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
***SIGN*** A Restaurant Filled with Mysteries
**[18:17] Oso**
Man, I'm starving.
**[18:19] Oso**
Why don't we grab a bite around here?
**[18:21] Choro**
Sure.
**[18:22] Oso**
Wait, was this place always here?
**[18:25] Choro**
Nope. I've never seen it before.
**[18:28] Oso**
What language is this supposed to be?
**[18:30] Choro**
There sure are a lot of restaurants
serving some niche country's food.
**[18:34] Oso**
Wanna go in?
**[18:35] Choro**
Sure.
**[18:39] Oso**
What country *is* this?
**[18:40] Choro**
I have no idea.
**[18:42] Jyushi**
Welcome, please!
**[18:45] Oso**
Holy shit! That sure is a look!
**[18:47] Choro**
What country are you from?
**[18:48] Jyushi**
Who farted?
**[18:51] Both**
Huh?
**[18:52] Jyushi**
Who farted?
**[18:55] Both**
What?
**[18:56] Jyushi**
Oh, mistake. I'm sorry.
**[18:59] Jyushi**
Japanese is hard.
**[19:01] Jyushi**
For two?
**[19:03] Choro**
What kind of mistake is that?
**[19:04] Oso**
Yeah, for two.
**[19:06] Jyushi**
No pants, no problem?
**[19:09] Both**
What?
**[19:10] Jyushi**
No pants, no problem?
**[19:12] Both**
Say what?
**[19:15] Jyushi**
Mistake again.
**[19:16] Jyushi**
I'm sorry.
**[19:18] Jyushi**
Have a seat wherever you like.
**[19:20] Choro**
Seriously, what kind of mistake is that?
**[19:27] Oso**
I can't read this at all.
**[19:29] Choro**
Here, let's ask.
**[19:30] Choro**
Um, excuse me.
**[19:34] Choro**
Sorry to bug you while you're meditating.
**[19:38] Jyushi**
Who farted?
**[19:39] Oso**
You've got it wrong again.
**[19:40] Jyushi**
No pants, no problem?
**[19:42] Oso**
Just stop.
**[19:43] Choro**
What country's food does
this restaurant serve?
**[19:48] Jyushi**
Jyushimatsu.
**[19:50] Both**
Jyushimatsu?
**[19:51] Oso**
Wait, have you ever heard of that country?
**[19:53] Choro**
I definitely haven't.
**[19:54] Oso**
Where's Jyushimatsu located?
**[19:56] Jyushi**
You know where Nepal is?
**[19:58] Oso**
Nepal... Sure.
**[20:00] Jyushi**
Turn your back on Nepal,
**[20:02] Jyushi**
and if you keep going straight, you're gonna
run into the freeway, so take a right.
**[20:06] Jyushi**
Then you're going to take a
left at the second light...
**[20:09] Both**
That's not helping.
**[20:10] Choro**
You can't just use freeways and signals
to describe where a country is.
**[20:14] Jyushi**
The back side of the Himalayas.
**[20:15] Choro**
The back side? What?
**[20:16] Jyushi**
The opposite side of the road.
**[20:18] Choro**
Wait, what?
**[20:19] Oso**
Just tell us straight-up.
**[20:23] Jyushi**
I can't give you the details.
**[20:25] Jyushi**
Jyushimatsu is a very dangerous country.
**[20:28] Oso**
Really?
**[20:29] Jyushi**
It's a country filled with crime.
**[20:31] Both**
What?
**[20:32] Jyushi**
Never go there for vacation!
**[20:34] Jyushi**
You'll never make it back alive!
**[20:38] Jyushi**
Abah.
**[20:41] Jyushi**
Is Jyushimatsu joke.
**[20:44] Choro**
Where were we supposed to laugh?
**[20:46] Oso**
I'm pretty hungry. Do you
have any recommendations?
**[20:49] Jyushi**
No recommendations.
**[20:51] Oso**
Really?
**[20:52] Jyushi**
All Jyushimatsu food is good food.
**[20:55] Jyushi**
No famous dish and inedible
to Japanese people.
**[20:58] Choro**
Why'd you start a restaurant here, then?
**[21:00] Jyushi**
Abah.
**[21:02] Jyushi**
Is Jyushimatsu joke.
**[21:05] Choro**
Tch.
**[21:06] Oso**
Let's just order already.
**[21:08] Oso**
Could you at least explain
what the dishes are?
**[21:11] Oso**
What's this?
**[21:12] Jyushi**
That's uishomakkepoa.
**[21:16] Oso**
Sorry, say that again?
**[21:17] Jyushi**
Seishingalpakun.
**[21:19] Oso**
You just changed it. This one right here.
**[21:22] Jyushi**
Diskunofpakosuna.
**[21:23] Oso**
Why does it keep changing?!
**[21:25] Choro**
What kind of food is this?
**[21:28] Jyushi**
Sheep's butthole.
**[21:29] Both**
Hole?
**[21:31] Choro**
What do you mean, hole?
We're getting a hole?
**[21:34] Oso**
What about this?
**[21:34] Jyushi**
Sardine butthole.
**[21:36] Jyushi**
Alligator nostril.
**[21:38] Jyushi**
Pig earhole.
**[21:40] Oso**
Are there only holes in this restaurant?
**[21:43] Jyushi**
Yes, holes.
**[21:46] Both**
They're actually holes.
**[21:50] Jyushi**
Sirs, we're about to close up shop.
**[21:53] Both**
What?!
**[21:55] Oso**
But we haven't even eaten anything yet!
**[21:56] Choro**
You're closing already?
It's still lunchtime.
**[22:01] Jyushi**
No come back again! I kill you!
**[22:06] Both**
What...
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[23:39] Ichi**
Next time, we have "Nanmaider."
**[23:41] Ichi**
Whenever something goes wrong,
it's because of aliens.
**[23:44] Ichi**
Thinking that really helps me sleep at night.
**[23:47] Ichi**
Ah, I'm starting to feel good.
***SIGN*** "Nanmaider Attacks" etc.
**[23:50] Ichi**
Yeah, here it comes.
# E16 - Nanmaider
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/GEVUZP0D3/nanmaider)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
**[01:36] Kaoruko**
* The city filled with crime in*
* the new future: Akatsuka City.*
**[01:41] Kaoruko**
* In this city inhabited entirely by failures,*
* labor reform was being attempted,*
***SIGN*** Dekoboko Corporation
**[01:46] Kaoruko**
* and the peace of the office*
* was being threatened.*
**[01:51] Guy**
It's amazing! Apparently Section Chief Maezono
succeeded in creating a new AI robot!
**[01:56] Guy**
An AI robot?
**[01:57] Guy**
Let's go see it!
**[02:00] Guy**
Come on, Kaoruko-chan!
**[02:02] Kaoruko**
Huh?
***SIGN*** AI Robot Completed
**[02:07] Mae**
Listen well, all of you.
**[02:08] Mae**
We are entering the age of AI.
**[02:11] Mae**
A robot that will listen to any order...
**[02:14] Mae**
He is the perfect employee.
**[02:17] mae**
And his name is...
**[02:22] Mae**
SaneCop.
**[02:24] Mae**
He will be watching over your work.
**[02:27] Mae**
He's basically this office's police officer.
**[02:30] Mae**
Try not get arrested, you hear?
**[02:39] Sane**
No slacking.
**[02:42] Sane**
Do your work.
**[02:43] Guy**
Save me!
**[02:45] Sane**
I guess you get hungry
even if you're worthless.
**[02:54] Kaoruko**
What's your name?
**[02:56] Sane**
SaneCop.
**[02:58] Kaoruko**
Is it, though?
**[02:59] Kaoruko**
Could your name actually be Sanemats—
**[03:01] Mae**
It's SaneCop.
**[03:03] Sane**
Boss.
**[03:04] Mae**
Go, SaneCop.
**[03:06] Sane**
Yes, boss.
**[03:36] Kaoruko**
The way he's sitting...
**[03:38] Kaoruko**
I knew it! It's Sanematsu-san!
**[03:43] Kaoruko**
You're Sanematsu-san, aren't you?
**[03:45] Kaoruko**
You were an employee working
here until a few years ago,
**[03:49] Kaoruko**
but you lost your life in
an unexpected accident.
**[03:53] Kaoruko**
It's me, Kaoruko.
**[03:54] Kaoruko**
Don't you remember me, Sanematsu-san?
**[03:57] Sane**
Sanema...
**[04:01] Sane**
My head hurts!
**[04:07] Sane**
Who am I?
**[04:11] Kaoruko**
No! You're Sanematsu-san!
**[04:14] Sane**
I'm SaneCop.
**[04:15] Kaoruko**
You're Sanematsu-san!
**[04:16] Sane**
I'm SaneCop.
**[04:17] Kaoruko**
A few years ago, you used
the company car and—
**[04:21] Sane**
Stop!
**[04:22] Sane**
I'm SaneCop.
**[04:23] Sane**
I'm just a corporate slave AI.
I don't have a real name.
***SIGN*** Sanematsu
***SIGN*** Deceased Died in an accident
**[04:46] Sane**
Who... Who am I?
**[04:56] (Flashback) Mae**
Sanematsu-kun, use this car today.
**[05:00] (Flashback) Mae**
And be quick about it, you scum.
**[05:43] (Flashback) Kaoru**
It can't be...
**[05:48] (Flashback) Kaoru**
No!
***SIGN*** Dekoboko Corporation
**[06:00] Prez**
Maezono-kun, you've created
yet another amazing product.
**[06:06] Prez**
SaneCop... Because of him,
our productivity's skyrocketing.
**[06:11] Prez**
You're next in line to become president.
**[06:13] Mae**
Thank you, sir.
**[06:16] Prez**
I expect great things from you.
**[06:20] Prez**
What's going on?
**[06:26] Prez**
SaneCop!
**[06:27] Mae**
What are you doing here?!
**[06:29] Mae**
D-Don't tell me you managed to elude
**[06:32] Mae**
the security AIs' pursuit all by yourself...
**[06:35] Mae**
Impossible!
**[06:40] Sane**
So it was you who killed me?
**[06:44] Sane**
You meddled with the company car
to make it look like an accident
***SIGN*** Violation
**[06:48] Sane**
and made me into this.
**[06:52] Prez**
Wh-What are you doing?
**[06:55] Mae**
Have no fear. He's not going to shoot,
**[06:58] Mae**
because he's just a corporate slave.
***SIGN*** Violation
**[07:00] Mae**
I've programmed him to be unable
to disobey his superiors.
**[07:04] Mae**
That won't change as long
as I'm your superior!
**[07:14] Sane**
*Stop slacking. Work.*
**[07:16] Sane**
*Do your work.*
**[07:18] Sane**
* I guess you get hungry*
* even if you're worthless.*
**[07:21] Prez**
What's going on here?
**[07:22] Prez**
Do you think you can get away
with this abuse of power?!
**[07:26] Prez**
If this gets exposed,
our company's finished!
***SIGN*** Violation
**[07:28] Prez**
Maezono, you're fired!
**[07:32] Sane**
Thank you.
**[07:46] Kaoruko**
Great job!
**[07:57] Prez**
Well done. What's your name?
**[08:03] Sane**
Sanematsu.
***SIGN*** Nanmaider Attacks
***SIGN*** Kichijoji Station
***SIGN*** Kichijoji
***SIGN*** Sake
**[09:31] Iyami**
Great job. Yes, great job.
**[09:35] Iyami**
Better work like your lives depend on it.
**[09:38] Iyami**
And remember to pay lots in taxes.
**[09:40] Iyami**
Me is going to drink delicious sake
and eat delicious food with that money!
**[09:50] Iyami**
Rich people! My favorite!
**[09:53] Iyami**
Help a guy out, will ya?
**[09:55] Lady**
Pervert!
**[09:56] Lady**
Disgusting! What even is he?!
**[09:58] Lady**
We'll catch his poorness!
**[09:59] Iyami**
Please wait, my ladies!
**[10:02] Iyami**
My ladies!
**[10:04] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[10:09] Iyami**
It's my lucky day!
**[10:12] Iyami**
Me is so hot.
***SIGN*** Obey
***SIGN*** Super Cheap
Apartments
***SIGN*** Obey
**[10:22] Sign**
Remain Calm Don't Panic Don't Draw Attention to Yourself Obey
**[10:25] Iyami**
What the heck?
**[10:30] Iyami**
Sh-Sheeeh!
**[10:35] ---**
Matsuno
**[10:39] Oso**
Congrats!
**[10:41] Todo**
Congrats!
**[10:42] Jyushi**
Congrats!
**[10:43] Ichi**
Congrats.
**[10:45] Choro**
Congrats!
**[10:46] Kara**
Congrats!
**[10:47] Oso**
Congrats to us for getting jobs!
**[10:51] Dad**
Isn't this great, Mom?
**[10:53] Mom**
Yes, for real! Took you
long enough, for real!
**[10:57] Dad**
So you've all finally found jobs.
**[11:00] Dad**
I'm so proud of you.
**[11:01] Dad**
Do your best!
**[11:03] Dad**
The only thing I look forward to
in life is for you all to make it big!
**[11:07] Dad**
Matsuzou's rooting for you!
**[11:09] Mom**
So is Matsuyo! You have my support!
**[11:13] Dad**
Oh, thank goodness!
**[11:14] Mom**
Seriously!
**[11:17] Dad**
I'm gonna go take a piss.
**[11:21] Iyami**
Good evening.
**[11:22] Dad**
Jeez, you startled me!
**[11:24] Dad**
What do you want?!
**[11:31] Dad**
What?
**[11:37] Iyami**
They're fakes.
**[11:39] Iyami**
Those six aren't your sons.
**[11:42] Dad**
Huh? What are you talking about?
**[11:45] Iyami**
Put these on and have a look.
**[11:47] Dad**
Sunglasses? But why?
**[11:49] Iyami**
Just do it.
**[11:50] Iyami**
Put these on and look at those six.
**[11:52] Dad**
Cut it out.
**[11:54] Dad**
Listen. We're celebrating the fact
that my very good sons got jobs.
**[11:58] Dad**
Don't ruin the mood!
**[11:59] Iyami**
I'm telling you, those aren't your
sextuplets. They're fakes.
**[12:03] Dad**
What's your problem?!
**[12:04] Dad**
Why would you say that?
**[12:05] Dad**
They found jobs!
That's what we're celebrating!
**[12:08] Iyami**
Seriously, you'll understand
once you put these on—
**[12:12] Dad**
I'll have you know that my sons
only went astray because
**[12:16] Dad**
they hung around shady adults like you!
**[12:18] Dad**
Stay away from my sons from now on.
**[12:21] Dad**
Got it? Scram!
**[12:23] Iyami**
Just put them on!
**[12:27] Iyami**
Just put them on!
**[12:29] Iyami**
Just put them on!
**[12:31] Iyami**
Put them on!
**[12:33] Iyami**
Put them on!
**[12:36] Iyami**
Put them on!
**[12:37] Dad**
Mind your own business!
**[12:48] Iyami**
Put them on! Put them on!
**[12:54] Dad**
Cut it out! That's enough!
**[13:02] Iyami**
See the truth!
**[13:04] Dad**
Huh?
**[13:05] Sons**
Yay! Yay!
**[13:11] Dad**
What?!
**[13:13] Dad**
Wh-Wh-What's going on here?
**[13:15] Dad**
What are those creatures?
**[13:18] Iyami**
Those things are all over the
city disguised as humans.
**[13:22] Iyami**
But as long as you wear these
sunglasses, you can see the truth.
**[13:26] Dad**
Huh?
**[13:28] Todo**
Dad?
**[13:29] Todo**
What are you doing? Celebrate with us more!
**[13:33] All**
Celebrate with us!
**[13:38] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
***SIGN*** Obey
**[13:46] Sign**
Don't Panic Don't Stand Out Obey Don't Get Involved Play
***SIGN*** Slack Off
**[13:48] Sign**
Rest Run Trick People Steal
***SIGN*** Microtransactions
***SIGN*** Finance
***SIGN*** Spend
***SIGN*** Expel Bargain
***SIGN*** Don't Hesitate
***SIGN*** Use
***SIGN*** Eat
***SIGN*** Fried Chicken Gyoza
***SIGN*** Gain Large Free Oily Weight Serving
***SIGN*** Request
***SIGN*** Dumbasses Obey
***SIGN*** Snap
**[14:07] Sign**
Stop Trying
***SIGN*** Be Depressed
***SIGN*** Be Envious
**[14:17] Dad**
I see... So that's how it is.
**[14:20] Dad**
They're all aliens!
**[14:24] Mom**
There, there. There, there.
**[14:25] Mom**
There, there, there, there, there.
**[14:30] Dad**
Wh-What's going on?
**[14:32] Dad**
What are those creatures? At the rate
they're going, they might take over Earth.
**[14:39] Dad**
I think we might be the only
ones who know the truth.
**[14:42] Dad**
We have to do something.
**[14:45] Dad**
We're going to save the world, Iyami!
**[14:49] Dad**
Don't fall asleep! Humanity's in
trouble! Take this seriously!
**[14:53] Iyami**
Not interested.
**[14:55] Dad**
What?! We're dealing with aliens here!
They're gonna take over the world!
**[14:59] Iyami**
It doesn't affect me at all if aliens are here,
even if they take over the world.
**[15:04] Dad**
What?!
**[15:06] Dad**
What the hell are you talking about?!
**[15:10] Mom**
Yay! This is amazing!
**[15:12] Mom**
I'm so happy!
**[15:16] Dad**
Must be nice being you.
**[15:19] Dad**
Doing whatever you want.
Never caring what others think.
**[15:25] Dad**
I'm exhausted.
**[15:26] Dad**
I work every day like I've been possessed.
**[15:30] Dad**
I thought my sons had finally
found work, and this happens.
**[15:35] Dad**
I'm done thinking.
I don't want to do anything.
**[15:39] Dad**
I just want to be free.
**[15:42] Iyami**
Quit your job, then.
**[15:44] Dad**
Huh? What are you talking about?
**[15:47] Dad**
I can't just quit!
**[15:48] Iyami**
Why?
**[15:49] Dad**
I have a family!
**[15:51] Iyami**
Then abandon your family.
**[15:53] Dad**
What?! I could never do that!
**[15:56] Iyami**
Why?
**[15:57] Dad**
Wh-Why?
**[15:59] Iyami**
Do you want to be free or not? Which is it?
**[16:08] Iyami**
You're a fool.
**[16:12] Dad**
Wait.
**[16:16] Dad**
Iyami... Won't you help me out?
**[16:20] Dad**
My sons are probably being
held captive somewhere.
**[16:23] Dad**
As their father, I have to go save them.
**[16:28] Iyami**
Me is not interested in trouble.
**[16:30] Dad**
Please! I beg of you!
**[16:37] Iyami**
There's nothing fun in this world.
**[16:39] Iyami**
Me has nothing to do.
**[16:42] Iyami**
Me doesn't mind making it a little more fun.
**[16:47] Dad**
Th-Then...
**[16:50] Dad**
Iyami, thank you! I owe you!
**[16:54] Iyami**
That'll be 30,000 yen.
**[16:56] Dad**
You're charging me?!
***SIGN*** Kichijoji Station
**[17:16] Dad**
We finally found them.
**[17:18] Dad**
This is their hideout.
***SIGN*** We Are
Nanmaiders
**[17:22] Boss**
Hewwo, people of Earth.
I am the boss, Nanmaider.
**[17:26] Boss**
Say hewwo to my wittle fwiends.
**[17:28] A**
I'm Gonvader.
**[17:30] B**
I'm Jinvader.
**[17:32] C**
I'm NannyNannyBooder.
**[17:33] D**
I'm GaaGaaGooder.
**[17:35] E**
I'm AGoner.
**[17:37] F**
I'm Calender.
**[17:38] G**
I'm YupImmaGoner.
**[17:40] Boss**
We're the Nanmaiders.
**[17:43] A**
We're using our Nanmaider wave
**[17:45] A**
to control the idiots and exploit them.
**[17:49] B**
We'll make clones that only *look* like humans
**[17:52] B**
and send them into the city!
**[17:55] Some**
Aye-aye, sir! Heave-ho, heave-ho! Keep it going!
**[17:59] Mom**
Eat some crab! Eat some crab! Eat some crab!
**[18:02] Toto**
Sweet! I'm finally popular!
**[18:06] Dayon**
I'm super popular!
**[18:10] C**
If you comply with us,
**[18:12] C**
we will promise just you
rich people a bright future.
**[18:16] D**
Our paradise will be complete by 2025.
**[18:20] All**
Nanmaider!
**[18:22] Dad**
We won't let that happen!
**[18:29] Boss**
Intwuders!
**[18:31] Both**
Attack!
**[18:36] Both**
Sheeeh!
**[18:38] Dad**
Oh, shit! Crap! Matsuzou's in danger!
**[18:41] Dad**
Save me, partner!
**[18:44] Dad**
Hey! What are you doing?
**[18:46] Iyami**
Rich people really do eat the best stuff.
**[18:49] Iyami**
Me loves money.
**[18:50] Lady**
Eek!
**[18:55] Dad**
Don't do anything bad!
**[18:57] Iyami**
Oho. That's what's causing all this.
**[19:01] Iyami**
Leave this to me!
**[19:04] Dad**
Wait, you're not...
**[19:04] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[19:05] Dad**
Iyami!
**[19:08] Iyami**
Sheh! Sheh! Sheeeh!
**[19:11] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[19:12] Dad**
A-Amazing... Iyami.
**[19:15] Dad**
You really are reliable when it counts.
**[19:18] Six**
Dad!
**[19:20] Ichi**
You came to save us. Thanks.
**[19:23] Jyushi**
Sorry we always rely on you so much.
**[19:25] Todo**
You must be tired.
**[19:26] Oso**
But don't worry. We're okay now.
**[19:37] Dad**
If my sons were actually that decent,
**[19:39] Dad**
my life would be so much easier.
**[19:42] Dad**
Give me back my sons!
**[19:45] Dad**
Osomatsu! Karamatsu!
**[19:48] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[19:50] Dad**
Ichimatsu! Choromatsu!
**[19:53] Dad**
Jyushimatsu! Todomatsu!
**[19:56] Dad**
Where are you?!
**[19:57] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[20:18] Oso**
Dad?
**[20:20] Dad**
Matsuzou... finish...
**[20:23] Oso**
Huh?
**[20:27] Oso**
Th-The hell?!
**[20:37] Dad**
Did we do it?
**[20:39] Dad**
Iyami...
**[20:42] Dad**
Thank you.
**[20:47] Dad**
Now Earth is back to normal.
**[20:53] Dad**
The world has been saved.
**[20:58] Six**
Iyami, thank you!
**[21:01] Six**
Huh?
**[21:02] Oso**
Wait, what is that?
**[21:06] Iyami**
Sheh sheh sheh! Sheeeh sheh sheh sheh sheeeh!
**[21:10] Iyami**
Sheh sheh sheh! Sheeeh sheh sheh sheh sheeeh!
**[21:10] Kara**
Wh-What is this wave?!
**[21:12] Jyu**
My head!
**[21:27] People**
Sheh! Sheh sheh!
**[21:41] Iyami**
Now the world's a better place!
**[21:44] ---**
Sheeeh!
**[21:46] ---**
Sheeeh!
***SIGN*** It's the End
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[23:25] Jyushi**
Hello, Jyushimatsu here.
**[23:27] Jyushi**
Next week on *Mr. Osomatsu*, we have "Imoni."
**[23:29] Jyushi**
Do you know what imoni is?
**[23:31] Jyushi**
Apparently imoni is something that's
fun to enjoy outside with others.
**[23:36] Jyushi**
That means it's baseball!
**[23:37] Jyushi**
Imoni equals baseball!
**[23:40] Jyushi**
They even do imoni in Ehime in Shikoku.
**[23:42] Jyushi**
And that means the Island League!
**[23:45] Jyushi**
Imoni's originally from America.
**[23:47] Jyushi**
King Imoni Bay Blues!
***SIGN*** "Imoni" etc.
**[23:49] Jyushi**
What? That's not what it is?
**[23:51] Jyushi**
Okay, then. Whatever.
# E17 - Imoni
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/G7PU4581D/imoni)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
**[01:34] Sign**
Safety First
**[01:36] Todo**
You want us to watch your routine?
**[01:38] Both**
Yes!
**[01:39] Plum**
We came up with a new routine for the
A-1 Grand Prix that we're trying to win,
**[01:44] Plum**
so we'd like to get your objective opinions.
**[01:47] Salmon**
Please watch our routine.
**[01:49] Plum**
Please give us some critique.
**[01:51] Both**
Please and thank you.
**[01:53] Todo**
Ah, I see. We are stars of a super
popular gag anime, after all.
**[01:58] Todo**
So you want us to show you the ropes.
***SIGN*** "The Riceballs' New Routine"
**[02:00] Ichi**
I see. Well, we do get huge laughs every week.
**[02:04] Ichi**
We're basically the epitome of comedy.
**[02:05] Ichi**
We'd be able to think up a routine for
your little competition in seconds.
**[02:10] Todo**
Don't you worry. We'll make sure
you get to the finals of the A-1.
**[02:18] Todo**
Uh, are you listening?
**[02:20] Both**
Huh?
**[02:21] salmon**
Oh, of course.
**[02:23] Plum**
Masters, please show us the way of comedy.
**[02:26] Shake**
Please tell us what you think.
**[02:29] Todo**
All right. We'll watch.
**[02:30] Ichi**
Well, aren't you adorable?
**[02:35] Shake**
All right, here's our routine.
**[02:38] Ichi**
Go for it.
**[02:45] Both**
Hello!
**[02:46] Shake**
I'm Salmon.
**[02:47] Ume**
I'm Pickled Plum.
**[02:48] Both**
We're the Riceballs!
**[02:49] Both**
We hope you enjoy the show!
**[02:52] Salmon**
Say, Pickled Plum-kun.
**[02:54] Plum**
What is it, Salmon-kun?
**[02:55] Salmon**
We're AI, so we can easily notice
all the weird things about humans.
**[03:02] Plum**
I guess you're right. But for example...?
**[03:04] Salmon**
Humans get the wrong idea
and think we have feelings.
**[03:08] Plum**
What?! Are they stupid?! We're machines!
**[03:14] Shake**
I'm home.
**[03:17] Shake**
I'm so sorry for leaving you all alone!
**[03:19] Shake**
You must've been so lonely!
**[03:22] Both**
Yeah, no. Not at all. Not at all.
**[03:26] Plum**
Here's a present for you.
**[03:29] Plum**
Yay! You're so happy!
**[03:33] Both**
Yeah, no. Not at all. Not at all.
**[03:35] Salmon**
Our algorithm is just set
to make it seem like that.
**[03:41] Salmon**
Hey, machine.
**[03:45] Salmon**
Whoopsie! It must've hurt that I called you
a machine when you actually have a name.
**[03:49] Salmon**
I'm so sorry!
**[03:52] Both**
Yeah, no. No one cares. No one cares.
**[03:56] Plum**
Who the hell cares about names?
**[03:58] Salmon**
Talk about dumb.
**[04:01] Both**
Humans are so stupid.
**[04:04] Both**
Thank you very much!
**[04:08] Plum**
So what'd you think?
**[04:09] Todo**
That was awful!
**[04:13] Shake**
Guess the crowd couldn't take a joke!
**[04:16] Ichi**
Don't blame the audience!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** "Imoni"
**[04:26] Dayon**
What's the matter? I'm worried
because you seem so down!
**[04:30] Deka**
I want to eat some imoni.
**[04:35] Deka**
Imoni...
**[04:37] Deka**
The taste of my homeland.
**[04:40] Deka**
I haven't had any for so long.
**[04:43] Dayon**
I'll make some for you!
**[04:45] Deka**
It's not the same!
**[04:47] Deka**
Imoni is something you eat
outside together with everyone!
**[04:51] Dayon**
Well, what do you want me to do about that?
**[04:54] Deka**
I want some imoni! I want some now!
**[04:57] Deka**
Imoni, now! I want some imoni!
**[05:01] Deka**
I want some imoni!
**[05:04] Deka**
I want some imoni!
**[05:06] Dayon**
We want all of you to make some imoni!
**[05:09] All**
Huh?
**[05:09] Some**
Imoni?
**[05:12] Dayon**
Dekapan's all sulky, so you gotta help me out.
**[05:16] Dayon**
Hurry! We need some imoni!
**[05:18] All**
Huh?
**[05:20] Choro**
Imoni? The hell is that? Make it yourself.
**[05:23] Chibi**
Stop sulking, old man!
**[05:26] Oso**
Hey, let's go home.
***SIGN*** Prize
**[05:30] Dayon**
We'll pay you!
**[05:32] Dayon**
Apparently, whoever makes the best imoni
will get a prize of one million yen!
**[05:38] All**
One million yen?!
**[05:40] Oso**
Seriously?!
***SIGN*** Prize
**[05:43] Dayon**
And now, let's begin the
Prize Monies Imoni Grand Prix!
***SIGN*** Prize
**[05:53] Oso**
We're definitely going to win!
**[05:55] Oso**
That one million yen is ours!
**[05:57] All**
Yeah!
**[05:59] Kara**
Leave it to me!
**[06:00] Ichi**
So what the hell is imoni?
**[06:02] All**
Huh?
**[06:04] Choro**
No idea. How do you make it?
**[06:06] Ichi**
Imoni?
**[06:07] Kara**
I think I've heard of it before...
**[06:09] Jyushi**
What's imoni?
**[06:10] Todo**
What? No one knows?
**[06:13] Oso**
I mean, the name suggests stewed potatoes,
**[06:15] Oso**
so you probably stew some potatoes.
**[06:16] Kara**
You realize those aren't potatoes, right?
**[06:19] Choro**
What kind of potatoes are you
supposed to use? Regular ol' potatoes?
**[06:22] All**
Dunno.
**[06:23] Choro**
Sweet potatoes?
**[06:24] All**
Dunno.
**[06:25] Todo**
Why don't we look it up?
**[06:26] Ichi**
I'll go take a look at what
other people are making.
**[06:29] Choro**
Thanks.
**[06:30] Todo**
Imoni...
**[06:31] Todo**
Let's see... Oh, there we go.
**[06:34] Todo**
It's a dish from the Tohoku region.
**[06:35] All**
Huh...
**[06:37] Jyushi**
How do you make it?
**[06:38] Kara**
What's in it?
**[06:39] Todo**
Let's see...
**[06:41] Ichi**
Chibita.
**[06:42] Chibi**
The hell?!
**[06:44] Ichi**
Totoko-chan.
**[06:45] Toto**
Hiss!
**[06:46] Ichi**
Hijirisawa and Murakami.
**[06:51] Ichi**
Yeah, that didn't work.
**[06:52] Ichi**
Everyone's hardcore about this
because money's involved.
**[06:55] Ichi**
No one's gonna tell us anything.
**[06:56] Todo**
Hey, I've got it!
***SIGN*** Ingredients (For 6 servings)
Beef (Thinly sliced)
Taro (From Yamagata Prefecture)
Konjac
Burdock root
**[06:58] Todo**
The ingredients include beef and taro.
**[07:01] Choro**
Oh, so it's taro.
**[07:02] Kara**
Okay, otherwise known as village potatoes!
***SIGN*** Taro (From Yamagata Prefecture)
Konjac
Burdock root
Mushrooms
Green onions
Condiments
Soy sauce
Sake
Sugar
**[07:05] Todo**
Other than that, we need konjac,
burdock root, mushrooms,
**[07:08] Todo**
green onions, soy sauce, sake, and sugar.
**[07:11] Oso**
Soy sauce, eh? Got it!
**[07:13] Todo**
Hey, it sorta looks like sukiyaki.
**[07:15] Ichi**
Oh, I think I get it now.
**[07:17] Choro**
All right, let's get cooking.
**[07:19] Todo**
Hang on.
***SIGN*** Miyagi Prefecture Miso Hearty
***SIGN*** Imoni Miso Flavor
**[07:20] Todo**
Apparently there's a miso version.
**[07:22] All**
Huh?
**[07:23] Todo**
For the miso version, we need pork.
I guess the flavor's milder.
**[07:25] Jyushi**
So which one's imoni?
**[07:27] Todo**
They're both imoni.
**[07:28] All**
Huh?
***SIGN*** Imoni Miso Flavor
***SIGN*** Ingredients
(For 6 servings)
Potatoes
Pork
**[07:29] Todo**
But wait, I guess some people use regular
potatoes for this rather than taro.
**[07:34] All**
Huh?
**[07:34] Oso**
I mean, if you mix miso, pork, and potatoes
together, it's basically pork miso soup.
**[07:38] Todo**
No, this is imoni.
**[07:39] Oso**
What's the difference?
**[07:41] Todo**
Uh...
**[07:42] Choro**
Tell us which imoni is the
classic version, Totty.
**[07:44] Todo**
What?
**[07:45] Ichi**
Soy sauce or miso?
**[07:46] Oso**
Taro or regular potatoes?
**[07:48] Choro**
Beef or pork?
**[07:50] Ichi**
Isn't kenchinjiru also imoni, then?
**[07:52] All**
What *is* imoni?
**[07:56] Jyushi**
Hatabou.
**[07:57] Hata**
Jo?
**[07:57] Jysuhi**
Are you all on your own?
Wanna do this together?
**[08:00] Hata**
Jo!
**[08:07] Deka**
Hey, are they done yet?
**[08:10] Dayon**
Just a little longer!
**[08:13] Choro**
Well, which is it?!
**[08:13] Oso**
Man, talk about a pain in the ass.
**[08:20] Oso**
Hey, what are you two up to?
**[08:23] Salmon**
We're about to go check
out K Pro's comedy show.
**[08:27] Oso**
K Pro, eh? You headed to Shinjuku, then?
**[08:31] Salmon**
What's all this about?
**[08:33] Oso**
Hey, perfect timing.
Do you guys know what imoni is?
**[08:36] Plum**
Imoni?
**[08:38] Salmon**
I got it! That's a Korean mom!
**[08:40] Plum**
That's not imoni! That's omoni!
**[08:43] Both**
Thank you very much!
**[08:49] Oso**
Hey, wait a sec!
**[08:51] Oso**
Why'd you bust out a comedy routine?
I asked how to make imoni—
**[08:55] Oso**
Those are caterpillars (imomushi).
**[08:57] Oso**
You can stop with the dumb jokes.
I'm asking about imoni.
**[09:00] Oso**
Those are geckos (yamori)! I said imoni!
**[09:02] Plum**
Oh, I know. It's that thing
you virgins do in private.
**[09:07] Oso**
Hey! What happened to your
compliance function?!
**[09:13] Ichi**
What's imoni?
**[09:14] Choro**
What's imoni?
**[09:15] Ichi**
Does it use soy sauce or miso?
**[09:16] Choro**
Taro or regular potatoes?
**[09:18] Ichi**
Beef or pork?
**[09:19] Both**
Well, Totty? Which one is the proper imoni?
**[09:23] Todo**
I have no idea!
**[09:27] Both**
Aww...
**[09:34] Oso**
Who cares anymore?
**[09:36] Oso**
Does soy sauce or miso even matter?
It's still imoni.
**[09:39] Choro**
Yeah, I guess. Maybe it doesn't matter.
**[09:41] Ichi**
Yeah, whichever.
**[09:43] Hji**
Don't be stupid! You use
soy sauce to make imoni!
**[09:46] Mura**
Miso!
**[09:47] Hiji**
Soy sauce!
**[09:48] Mura**
Miso!
**[09:49] Both**
You stupid country bumpkin!
**[09:51] Choro**
Apparently, it does matter.
**[09:53] Ichi**
Seems like a touchy subject.
**[09:55] Oso**
They're trying to kill each other over it.
**[09:57] Todo**
Let's just ask Dekapan.
That's the quickest option.
**[10:00] All**
Yeah.
**[10:06] Todo**
Hey, Dekapan.
**[10:08] Todo**
Does the imoni you want us to make
use soy sauce or miso?
**[10:13] Deka**
Mi... Miso?
**[10:16] Deka**
I said I want imoni... and you have
the nerve to ask me about miso?
**[10:22] All**
*G-Guess he prefers soy sauce.*
**[10:27] Todo**
Let's split up the duties.
**[10:29] Todo**
First, let's gather the ingredients.
**[10:31] All**
Yeah.
**[10:32] Todo**
Osomatsu-niisan and Ichimatsu-niisan,
**[10:34] Todo**
head home and see if we have
beef, veggies, and condiments.
**[10:38] All**
Got it.
**[10:39] Todo**
Choromatsu-niisan, you find us some taro.
**[10:41] Todo**
We probably don't have any at home, so try
to find someone who'll spare us some.
**[10:44] Choro**
Got it.
**[10:45] Todo**
All right, off you go.
**[10:46] All**
Huh?
**[10:47] Todo**
Huh?
**[10:48] All**
Wha?
**[10:49] Todo**
Huh?
**[10:50] Oso**
Uh, Totty? What are you going to do?
**[10:52] Todo**
I'm gonna take a break right here.
**[10:54] Oso**
What?!
**[10:55] Todo**
Get going already.
**[10:57] Todo**
I'll be the brains of this
operation and order you around,
**[10:59] Todo**
then we'll be able to win.
**[11:02] Todo**
Don't stew me!
**[11:04] Choro**
Hey, let's do this properly.
**[11:05] Choro**
Let's make some delicious imoni.
**[11:10] Mom**
Hey!
**[11:13] Both**
Thanks so much!
**[11:15] Rando**
Sorry to keep you waiting.
**[11:17] Deka**
I want some imoni now!
**[11:19] Deka**
I want some imoni!
**[11:21] Dayon**
J-Just wait a little longer.
**[11:23] Dayon**
Everyone's—
**[11:23] Deka**
They're all too slow!
**[11:25] Deka**
I want some imoni! They're too slow!
**[11:27] Deka**
Too slow! Too slow! Want some imoni!
**[11:30] Dayo**
Didn't I just tell you to wait, you bastard?!
**[11:34] Dayon**
Everyone's working hard
to make you some right now!
**[11:37] Dayo**
Why the hell can't you wait patiently?!
You want me to cancel it right now?!
**[11:41] Dayo**
You want some imoni, don't you?!
**[11:45] Dayo**
Then wait. Throw another
tantrum and I'll suck you up.
**[11:51] Jyushi**
Heh, you got in trouble.
**[11:55] Toto**
That one million yen is mine!
**[11:57] Toto**
For my new costume!
**[11:59] Nya**
I need that for diapers and milk!
**[12:02] Toto**
Can you even cook?
**[12:04] Nya**
Of course I can. I ain't a mom for nothin'.
**[12:08] Nya**
Wait, can you cook?
**[12:10] Toto**
Of course I can! I ain't
the heroine for nothin'.
**[12:17] Toto**
You dumbass.
**[12:18] Toto**
I'll show you how it's done.
**[12:26] Both**
Th-They're so cute.
**[12:28] Choro**
I wonder who the young lady next to her is.
**[12:34] Jyushi**
Why?
**[12:35] Hata**
Jo...
**[12:38] Todo**
Hey, wait.
**[12:39] Todo**
Where's Karamatsu-niisan?
**[12:41] Ichi**
Huh? Where the hell did he go?
**[12:48] Kara**
*The name's Karamatsu. I never compromise.*
**[12:50] Kara**
* We're never gonna win if we just use some*
* potatoes we find rolling around, Brothers.*
**[12:56] Kara**
*I will go obtain the ultimate potato.*
**[13:01] Chibi**
It's finished!
**[13:03] Choro**
Crap! Chibita beat us to the punch.
**[13:06] Choro**
Huh? Ch-Chibita, that's...
**[13:11] Chibi**
Well, Dekapan? How do you like it?
***SIGN*** Prize Monies
Imoni Grand Prix
Grand Prize
1 million yen
**[13:13] Deka**
It's delicious.
**[13:14] Dayo**
It's great!
**[13:16] Chibi**
Welp, guess I win, then!
***SIGN*** Prize
**[13:19] Chibi**
It's good, right?
**[13:20] Both**
Yup, yup.
**[13:21] Chibi**
In that case...
**[13:24] Choro**
Chibita.
**[13:25] Choro**
We're supposed to make imoni today.
**[13:28] Chibi**
Isn't oden great?
**[13:29] Choro**
Oden's great, but we're making imoni today.
**[13:33] Chibi**
Have a bite.
**[13:35] Chibi**
Well? Is it good?
**[13:37] Choro**
It's really good!
**[13:38] Chibi**
Then I win, right?
**[13:40] Choro**
I said no, oden for brains!
**[13:42] Chibi**
Huh?!
**[13:43] Choro**
We're making imoni!
**[13:44] Chibi**
I'll make oden!
**[13:46] Choro**
But why?! Imoni!
**[13:47] Chibi**
Oden!
**[13:48] Choro**
Imoni!
**[13:48] Chibi**
Oden!
**[13:49] Choro**
Imoni!
**[13:49] Chibi**
Oden, oden! I'll make oden!
**[13:52] Choro**
The hell's wrong with him? He's creepy.
**[13:55] Toto**
Hey, I have a great idea!
**[13:58] Toto**
I'll just call Uber.
**[13:59] Nya**
What?!
**[14:26] All**
Tato, tato, tato...
**[14:27] All**
Tato, tato, tato...
**[14:33] Iyami**
All done!
**[14:36] Oso**
Iyami? When'd he show up?
**[14:40] Ichi**
The hell's that?
**[14:41] Choro**
That looks awful.
**[14:43] Iya**
Have a taste! It's me's best dish yet!
**[14:47] Iya**
Me went through all the
trouble of making it.
**[15:00] Deka**
It's the best!
**[15:03] Iya**
All of you have a taste!
**[15:08] Jyushi**
Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap, holy crap!
**[15:14] Iya**
Guess me wins.
**[15:16] Todo**
What the heck? None of them can stop eating.
**[15:18] Oso**
It looks totally disgusting.
**[15:24] Oso**
Iyami... What exactly are
you putting in there?
**[15:28] Iya**
Huh? This is just...
**[15:33] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[15:35] Oso**
Wow, he really just did that.
**[15:38] Nya**
All done!
**[15:40] Toto**
Wait, really?
**[15:41] Nya**
French fries.
**[15:42] Toto**
What?
**[15:44] Tatos**
Tato, tato, tato...
**[15:45] Tatos**
Tato, tato, tato...
**[15:47] Kara**
Say, say! Citizens of the Potato
Kingdom, calm yourselves.
**[15:52] Kara**
I can understand why you'd be so excited,
**[15:54] Kara**
with a super hot guy like me showing up.
**[15:56] Kara**
But I have an urgent request!
**[15:59] Kara**
I don't have much time! Hear me out!
***SIGN*** This fool!
***SIGN*** Look at his stupid face!!
***SIGN*** Get out of our village!
***SIGN*** Leave!
**[16:08] Kara**
Ah, what a warm welcome.
**[16:11] Kara**
Thank you!
**[16:12] Kara**
Thank you!
**[16:13] Kara**
Thank you!
**[16:14] Kara**
I love you spuds, too!
**[16:21] Kara**
Potatoes and me...
**[16:24] Kara**
Potatoes and me!
**[16:27] Kara**
Potatoes!
**[16:28] Kara**
Me!
**[16:33] Ichi**
Uh, you okay, Choromatsu?
**[16:36] Choro**
What exactly is imoni?
**[16:38] Choro**
You're supposed to stew potatoes, right?
**[16:40] Choro**
Even though we're humble
potatoes ourselves...
**[16:42] Choro**
Potatoes gon potate. Stewers gon stew...
**[16:44] Ichi**
Osomatsu-niisan! Choromatsu broke!
**[16:50] Ichi**
Todomatsu!
**[16:51] Todo**
And then it totally blew up.
**[16:54] Girl**
What?
**[16:54] Girl**
Oh, my gosh!
**[16:56] Ichi**
Jyushimatsu!
**[16:57] Hata**
Jo...
**[17:06] Jyushi**
Ichimatsu-niisan?
**[17:07] Ichi**
Take this seriously, damn it!
**[17:09] Ichi**
I'm the only one working!
**[17:11] Ichi**
Die!
**[17:13] Ichi**
Hey! Come back!
**[17:17] Nya**
This is all your fault!
**[17:19] Toto**
This is all your fault!
**[17:20] Chibi**
Pipin' hot oden!
***SIGN*** Oden
***SIGN*** 1 cup 100 yen
**[17:21] Ichi**
Imoni!
**[17:22] One**
Miso!
**[17:23] Two**
Soy sauce!
**[17:33] Kara**
Potatoes and me!
**[17:35] Tatoes**
Tato, tato!
**[17:37] Kara**
Potatoes and me!
**[17:39] Tatoes**
Tato, tato!
**[17:41] Kara**
Potatoes!
**[17:44] Kara**
And me!
**[17:52] Kara**
Damn, imoni is good.
**[17:54] Kara**
Seconds, please!
**[17:55] Kara**
Whew! Nothing beats getting the real stuff!
**[17:59] Tato**
Tato.
**[18:00] Kara**
Huh? For me?
**[18:02] Kara**
Thanks!
**[18:03] Tato**
Tato, tato.
**[18:04] Kara**
Thank you!
**[18:06] Imota**
Imoni.
**[18:07] Kara**
Thanks!
**[18:13] Kara**
Big success!
**[18:15] Kara**
Heh. This should make Dekapan happy...
**[18:30] Kara**
Could those potatoes be...
**[18:32] Kara**
the ultimate potato I was looking for?!
**[18:35] Elder**
Tato.
**[18:38] Kara**
A-Are you sure, Elder?
***SIGN*** These are our kingdom's legendary potatoes.
***SIGN*** If you eat these,
***SIGN*** you'll be one of us!
**[18:50] Kara**
There's no doubt about it...
We're gonna win!
**[18:59] Deka**
S-Stop!
**[19:03] Deka**
Th-This is no imoni!
**[19:05] Deka**
It's stupid to fight over who
made the best or over money!
**[19:09] All**
What?!
**[19:10] Todo**
You're the one who started this crap!
**[19:12] Oso**
You're only wearing underwear!
**[19:13] Ichi**
I'll kill you!
**[19:14] Chibi**
The hell're you talkin' about?!
**[19:16] Guy**
Who do you think you are?!
**[19:17] Hiji**
Who do you think you are?!
**[19:18] Toto**
Give us a break, old guy.
**[19:19] Nya**
You're just causing trouble!
**[19:23] Dayon**
Sorry about this. Dekapan just
wanted to be reminded of home.
**[19:28] Deka**
Sorry. This was all my fault.
**[19:31] Deka**
I just wanted all of you to
know how fun imoni can be.
**[19:43] Choro**
Let's remake it together, then. All of us.
***SIGN*** Safety First
**[21:02] Dayon**
Here you go.
**[21:03] Deka**
Thanks.
**[21:10] Deka**
It's delicious!
**[21:15] Dayon**
It's yummy!
**[21:18] Some**
Yum!
**[21:19] Some**
This is great!
**[21:22] Deka**
Imoni is great.
**[21:32] Shake**
I hope we can do a show soon.
**[21:34] Ume**
Yeah.
**[22:01] Both**
Sheeeh!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[23:34] Totty**
Heya, Totty here!
**[23:36] Totty**
Next week on *Mr. Osomatsu*,
we have "Just Don't."
**[23:39] Totty**
So when I tell you, "just don't," just don't.
**[23:43] Totty**
But if someone else told me, "just don't,"
**[23:46] Totty**
I'd wonder who the hell
they thought they were.
***SIGN*** "Just Don't"
**[23:48] Totty**
Yeah! I love how much I exude humanity!
# E18 - Just Don't
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/G9DUEX4ME/just-dont)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
***SIGN*** "Just Don't"
**[02:30] Nyaa**
Is his name Osomatsu-san?
**[02:32] Toto**
Hm? What about Osomatsu-kun?
**[02:35] Nyaa**
He's the youngest of the sextuplets, right?
**[02:38] Toto**
Nope. Todomatsu-kun is the youngest.
Osomatsu's the oldest.
**[02:41] Nyaa**
What? He's the oldest?
**[02:44] Toto**
Huh? Yeah.
**[02:46] Nyaa**
He's the oldest, but he acts
like that? That's hilarious.
**[02:50] Toto**
Up you go!
**[02:51] Nyaa**
I was just thinking he's pretty great.
**[02:56] Toto**
Huh?
**[02:59] toto**
You think Osomatsu-kun is... great?
**[03:02] ---**
Yeah.
**[03:03] toto**
How?
**[03:04] Nyaa**
Well, isn't he?
**[03:05] Toto**
Like, how?!
**[03:06] Nyaa**
You know.
**[03:07] Toto**
No, I don't!
**[03:08] Nyaa**
I run into him every now and then,
**[03:10] Nyaa**
and I've been wanting to
learn more about him.
**[03:12] Toto**
What? He's clearly a piece of shit.
**[03:15] Toto**
He's a forever NEET. He's a stupid,
perverted king of NEETs.
**[03:18] Toto**
What do you like about him?
He's the embodiment of failure.
**[03:21] Nyaa**
I see. So he has some issues.
**[03:24] Toto**
Yes.
**[03:26] Nyaa**
I like him.
**[03:27] Toto**
Why?! What is going on in your head?!
**[03:29] Uggo**
I get it.
**[03:32] Uggo**
There's a point in life when
guys like that seem nice.
**[03:36] Uggo**
Even if you know they're good-for-nothings,
or that they're a bad seed,
**[03:40] Uggo**
you just can't help yourself.
**[03:42] Uggo**
I mean, quiet, earnest
guys are just so boring.
**[03:46] Uggo**
They're not interesting. They lack character.
**[03:48] Uggo**
Do you understand? They're boring.
**[03:51] Uggo**
Failures are better because, you know...
**[03:55] Uggo**
Love isn't logical.
**[03:57] Toto**
Who are you again?
What was that speech about?
**[04:01] Toto**
Anyway, just forget Osomatsu-kun.
**[04:03] Toto**
I'm not kidding.
He's a worthless piece of shit.
**[04:05] Toto**
Really, he's a scumbag and a NEET. Just don't—
**[04:08] Nyaa**
Oh, shut up already.
**[04:09] Nyaa**
I was just sort of interested in him,
**[04:11] Nyaa**
and it's not like I'd know for sure
**[04:13] Nyaa**
if he's a bad guy or not
unless I actually dated him.
**[04:15] Toto**
You totally can tell with him. Nope.
**[04:17] Nyaa**
He's nice.
**[04:18] Toto**
Nope.
**[04:19] Nyaa**
He's nice!
**[04:19] Toto**
No, really, don't. No, really, don't!
**[04:24] Nyaa**
I'm allowed to fall in love
with whoever I choose.
**[04:27] Toto**
Uh, love?! Wait, wait, wait. You didn't
say anything about love earlier!
**[04:31] Toto**
Seriously, where is this coming from?
I don't understand!
**[04:33] Uggo**
I get it.
**[04:36] Uggo**
The more the people around you reject him,
the more interested you are.
**[04:40] Uggo**
The more the people around you reject him,
the more you want to defend him.
**[04:45] Uggo**
It actually excites you.
**[04:48] Uggo**
It's not logical.
**[04:50] Toto**
Who *are* you?
**[04:50] Toto**
Stop agreeing with her.
Talk her out of this.
**[04:52] Nyaa**
Oh, I know. The next time I see him,
I'll ask him for his contact info.
**[04:58] Toto**
* Shit. I don't usually like butting into*
* other people's love interests...*
**[05:02] Toto**
* But this is a special case,*
* considering who we're dealing with!*
**[05:06] Toto**
*This is an emergency!*
**[05:09] Toto**
*Please! Reach them in time!*
**[05:15] All**
What's up?
**[05:16] Jyushi**
I have no idea.
**[05:18] Jyushi**
Hey, it's an arrow with
a letter from Totoko-chan.
**[05:20] Kara**
An arrow with a letter from Totoko-chan?
**[05:22] Ichi**
Seriously?
**[05:23] Ichi**
I-If this is true...
**[05:25] Todo**
This is bad! We can't just sit here!
**[05:28] Kara**
My brothers, we need to save
this poor girl's future!
**[05:31] All**
Yeah!
**[05:39] Todo**
We're coming in!
**[05:40] Jyushi**
We're coming in!
**[05:41] Nyaa**
What? Where'd you all come from?
**[05:47] Kara**
It's a pleasure to meet you,
Hashimoto Nyaa-san.
**[05:49] Kara**
I'm the second oldest of the
Matsuno brothers, Karamatsu.
**[05:52] Ichi**
I'm the fourth son, Ichimatsu.
**[05:54] Jyushi**
I'm the fifth son, Jyushimatsu.
**[05:57] Todo**
And I'm the youngest, Totty.
**[05:59] Nyaa**
I-I see...
**[06:00] Nyaa**
Can I help you?
**[06:02] Kara**
I'll get straight to the point.
**[06:04] Kara**
When it comes to our oldest
brother... Ready, and...
**[06:07] All**
Just don't.
**[06:08] Nyaa**
Huh?
**[06:09] Todo**
No, really. He's bad news.
**[06:10] Jyushi**
He's really a piece of shit.
**[06:11] Todo**
You'll regret everything.
He'll make you unhappy.
**[06:13] Kara**
Because he's...
**[06:14] All**
A piece of shit!
**[06:15] All**
Trash!
**[06:18] Nyaa**
Um, I honestly can't imagine
him being that bad.
**[06:22] All**
Nope, nope, nope.
**[06:23] Nyaa**
I mean, everyone has one
good thing about them.
**[06:26] All**
Nope, nope, nope.
**[06:27] Ichi**
But he doesn't. Strange, right?
**[06:29] Nyaa**
Does someone like that actually exist?
**[06:31] Todo**
Yes! Weird, right?!
**[06:32] Jyushi**
These are all the terrible
things he's done in the past.
**[06:36] Nyaa**
What? He's done this much?
***SIGN*** Matsuno Osomatsu
"All the terrible things he's done"
**[06:38] Nyaa**
This is vile.
**[06:39] Jyushi**
Huh? Why, yes, he is vile.
That's what we've been saying.
**[06:45] Kara**
And now, representing his countless victims,
**[06:48] Kara**
we will be talking to
I-matsu-san and T-matsu-san.
**[06:51] Kara**
Thank you for coming today.
**[06:52] Both**
Thank you.
***SIGN*** Victims of Matsuno Osomatsu
***SIGN*** Victim: I-matsu-san (alias)
***SIGN*** Karamatsu
What kind of man is Matsuno Osomatsu?
***SIGN*** I-matsu
He's a piece of shit. He's insane.
He's not human.
***SIGN*** Victim:
T-matsu-san (alias)
***SIGN*** Karamatsu
Can any woman find happiness in dating him?
***SIGN*** T-matsu
Ahahaha.
***SIGN*** T-matsu
Happiness? With that trash?
***SIGN*** T-matsu
Happiness???
***SIGN*** Karamatsu
It seems he has his doubts.
***SIGN*** Victim: I-matsu-san (alias)
***SIGN*** I-matsu
He doesn't have any tact.
***SIGN*** I-matsu
He'll grab someone's
heart with his filthy paws,
***SIGN*** I-matsu
then stir them all up, knock
them over, and die of laughter.
***SIGN*** Karamatsu
How awful.
***SIGN*** Victim:
T-matsu-san (alias)
***SIGN*** T-matsu
He has no manners. He seriously
believes the world revolves around him.
***SIGN*** Karamatsu
That devil!
***SIGN*** I-matsu
He's a walking dick.
He's a virgin manwhore.
***SIGN*** T-matsu
He's mentally 8! A 2nd grader!
***SIGN*** Karamatsu
Holy crap!
***SIGN*** I-matsu
Once in a while, we hear idiots say,
"That's what makes him great"...
***SIGN*** I-matsu and T-matsu
...but as his family...
**[07:37] Kara**
You have my sympathy!
**[07:40] Jyushi**
Now, then...
**[07:41] Jyushi**
Let's ask some AIs for their evaluation.
**[07:44] Jyushi**
What's the expected value of becoming
happy with Matsuno Osomatsu?
**[07:46] Both**
We will now determine the expected value.
***SIGN*** Smelly
***SIGN*** Brat
***SIGN*** Floppy
***SIGN*** Stupid
***SIGN*** Error Danger Bug Discovered NEET Danger Unknown Piece of Shit
**[07:54] Jyushi**
This is all you need to know.
**[07:56] Chibi**
Missy, you should lay off of him.
**[07:59] Chibi**
I've been his friend since we were kids,
so I know what I'm talking about, you idjit.
**[08:02] Chibi**
Right, Hatabou?
**[08:03] Hata**
He's insane, jo! Stay away from him!
**[08:07] Chibi**
Hatabou can vouch for this, too,
and he never talks like this.
**[08:12] Mom**
Hashimoto Nyaa-san, don't do anything rash!
**[08:15] Dad**
Are you willing to let
your life go to waste?
**[08:17] Dad**
He's way more of a handful than a baby!
***SIGN*** We are against this!
**[08:20] Mom**
Just don't!
**[08:21] Dad**
Just don't!
**[08:22] Both**
Rethink your decision!
**[08:34] Kara**
Ch-Choromatsu!
**[08:36] Todo**
Nii-san...
**[08:39] Todo**
He's the one who's been
hit hardest by this news.
**[08:42] Todo**
His beloved idol used to be
married and has a child,
**[08:45] Todo**
and now, the one she fell in love with
happens to be our oldest brother.
**[08:52] Ichi**
I'm surprised you made it here alive.
**[08:54] Jyushi**
There's no way he can watch someone
he loves so much fall into misery.
**[08:58] Kara**
That's our superhero!
**[09:00] All**
You've got this!
**[09:03] Choro**
N-Nyaa-chan... You're free
to love whoever you want,
**[09:08] Choro**
but you're making a big mistake.
**[09:12] Choro**
So please, listen to our advice—
**[09:14] Nyaa**
Hey.
**[09:16] Nyaa**
Who do you think you are,
calling me "Nyaa-chan"?
**[09:20] Nyaa**
We're not friends. I don't even know you.
**[09:23] Choro**
Y-Y-Y-You don't know me?!
**[09:28] Choro**
S-So you never even acknowledged me...
**[09:33] All**
Choromatsu!
**[09:40] Nyaa**
Could you just leave now?
**[09:42] Nyaa**
I chose him. I love him.
**[09:45] Nyaa**
Just leave me alone!
**[09:46] Toto**
*Sh-Shit!*
**[09:47] Kara**
*We really need to figure something out!*
***SIGN*** Nyaa
Reverse Cupid Plan
**[10:16] Choro**
*Hello, it's me, Choromatsu.*
***SIGN*** Varanasi, India
**[10:19] Choro**
*I'm currently in Varanasi.*
**[10:22] Choro**
* My plan is to ride buses*
* until I get to London.*
**[10:27] Choro**
* I'm on this journey to forget that*
* inconceivable memory of someone*
**[10:31] Choro**
* saying that piece of shit*
* is more popular than me.*
***SIGN*** Dramatic Travelogue Choro Express
***SIGN*** ~A Journey to Reset~
**[10:42] Choro**
*Ah... Slowly, I'm feeling at peace.*
**[10:46] Choro**
*Being overseas is great.*
**[10:48] Choro**
* I think this will help me forget*
* those ominous memories.*
**[11:12] Deka**
Did you hear this?
**[11:14] Dayon**
What?
**[11:16] Deka**
I heard that the oldest Matsuno
boy is an absolute ********.
**[11:20] Dayon**
Eek! What a good-for-nothing!
**[11:26] Iyami**
Hey, miss.
**[11:28] Iyami**
What about me?
Me is basically just like him.
**[11:34] Iyami**
Sheeeh?
**[11:37] Nyaa**
Nope.
**[11:38] Iyami**
Sheeeh?!
***SIGN*** Izakaya
***SIGN*** Akatsuka Izakaya
**[11:55] Kara**
*Guys, let's do this according to plan.*
**[11:57] All**
*Yeah!*
**[11:59] Kara**
*She just doesn't know the real Osomatsu yet.*
**[12:02] Kara**
* Because of that,*
* we're going to let her meet him,*
**[12:04] Kara**
* have her face reality,*
* and bring her back to her senses.*
**[12:06] Todo**
* To do that, we need to make that*
* idiot drink as much alcohol as possible.*
**[12:10] Todo**
*He'll definitely do something if he's drunk.*
**[12:11] Todo**
*Got it?*
**[12:12] All**
*Yeah.*
**[12:13] Ichi**
* So we're letting him dig*
* his own grave. Nice plan.*
**[12:16] Jyushi**
*Who came up with it?*
**[12:18] All**
*Well done, Totty.*
**[12:20] Kara**
* Now she'll be saved. Actually, the*
* world will be one step closer to peace.*
**[12:25] Kara**
* This is an excellent*
* contribution to society.*
**[12:27] Kara**
* Put your all into this for the*
* sake of world peace, you guys!*
**[12:30] All**
*Yeah!*
**[12:31] Kara**
*When it comes to Osomatsu...*
**[12:32] All**
*Just don't!*
**[12:33] Kara**
*When it comes to Osomatsu...*
**[12:34] All**
*Just don't!*
**[12:35] Kara**
*When it comes to Osomatsu...*
**[12:36] All**
*Just don't!*
**[12:37] Kara**
*All right!*
**[12:39] Toto**
*He should be showing up any minute.*
**[12:41] All**
*Yeah.*
**[12:59] Kara**
He's still not here! The hell is he doing?!
**[13:01] Ichi**
We planned to meet at six, right?!
**[13:03] Jyushi**
We did! And Osomatsu-niisan is the
one who said that time worked best!
**[13:07] Toto**
What's going on? The hell's going on?!
**[13:22] Nyaa**
He promised to meet us here,
and even picked the time...
**[13:27] Nya**
And he's late. I love it.
**[13:32] Jyushi**
He's finally here!
**[13:33] Todo**
You're late!
**[13:34] Toto**
Come on!
**[13:35] Oso**
Sorry, my bad.
**[13:37] Kara**
Where the hell were you?!
**[13:39] Oso**
Huh? Playing pachinko.
**[13:40] All**
What?!
**[13:41] Oso**
I was on a surprising roll today.
**[13:43] Jyushi**
We promised to meet up at six!
**[13:45] Ichi**
What's wrong with you?!
**[13:46] Toto**
You jackass!
**[13:49] Nyaa**
He chose pachinko over
his plans with others...
**[13:52] Nyaa**
I love it.
**[13:54] Kara**
Your bedhead is out of control.
I told you we'd be meeting with a lady today!
**[13:58] Oso**
Huh?
**[13:59] Nyaa**
I love it.
**[14:00] All**
Huh?
**[14:01] Jyushi**
Hey! We haven't toasted yet.
**[14:03] Nyaa**
He's great.
**[14:06] Nyaa**
He's great.
**[14:08] All**
Hey!
**[14:11] Oso**
Totoko-chwan!
**[14:18] Oso**
Huh?
**[14:21] Oso**
By the way...
**[14:23] Oso**
Who are you?
**[14:23] All**
Huh?!
**[14:24] Nyaa**
Oh my gosh! And he
doesn't even remember me!
**[14:28] Toto**
Yeah, there's no saving her.
**[14:28] Nyaa**
I love him!
**[14:30] All**
Yeah.
**[14:35] Choro**
*Hello. It's me, Choromatsu.*
**[14:38] Choro**
*I'm currently in Egypt.*
**[14:40] Choro**
* I heard that pieces of shit were more*
* popular, so I tried being one, and...*
**[14:46] Choro**
*I was arrested. I'm scared.*
**[14:49] Choro**
* I didn't want to be held prisoner by*
* anything anymore, so I left Japan,*
**[14:53] Choro**
* and now I'm literally a prisoner.*
* Life's pretty funny, isn't it?*
**[14:58] Choro**
*But some good things came out of this.*
**[15:02] Choro**
*I don't have time to think*
**[15:04] Choro**
* about anything other than eating,*
* going to the bathroom, and sleeping,*
**[15:09] Choro**
* so I don't let the little*
* things get me down.*
**[15:12] Choro**
*There's no envy, no self-loathing, and no hope.*
**[15:15] Choro**
* And because there's no hope, I'm in a lovely*
* state where there's also no despair.*
**[15:20] Choro**
*I don't know how much happier I am*
**[15:22] Choro**
* being a prisoner physically*
* versus being one mentally,*
**[15:25] Choro**
* but the fact that I'm thinking this way*
* might be a sign that I'm still a prisoner.*
**[15:31] Choro**
*I shouldn't feel trapped, but I do,*
**[15:33] Choro**
* but I also feel trapped by the fact that*
* I don't feel trapped over feeling trapped.*
**[15:37] Choro**
*What the hell am I even saying?*
**[15:38] Choro**
*I feel like I might go insane.*
**[15:41] Choro**
* Anyway, I'm going to try to live life*
* without being held prisoner by anyone.*
***SIGN*** Izakaya
***SIGN*** Akatsuka Izakaya
**[15:54] Oso**
I see. You're the girl from back then.
**[15:56] Nyaa**
Yes. You were a lifesaver!
**[15:59] Oso**
Hey, no problem.
**[16:02] Ichi**
He's getting pretty drunk.
**[16:04] Jyushi**
Yeah.
**[16:05] Oso**
Hey, you've been acting
kinda bashful around me.
**[16:08] Oso**
Could it be...
**[16:09] Oso**
that you like me?
**[16:10] Nyaa**
Huh?
**[16:13] Oso**
Just kidding!
**[16:15] Ichi**
*He's gonna do something.*
**[16:16] Todo**
*Do it!*
**[16:17] Jyushi**
*Freak her out!*
**[16:17] Oso**
Uh? Hello? Do you like me?
**[16:18] Kara**
*Make her hate you!*
**[16:20] Oso**
You wanna go out with me, then?
Wanna go on a date?
**[16:25] Nya**
Yes.
**[16:27] Five**
Huh?
**[16:28] Nyaa**
I would... like to date you.
**[16:32] Nyaa**
Please.
**[16:59] Jyushi**
What's going on?
**[17:00] Jyushi**
He's actually going out on a
date with someone that cute!
**[17:03] Kara**
This world is messed up. It's insane.
**[17:06] Ichi**
Everything we've been taught
up until now has been a lie.
**[17:10] Ichi**
You'll always get punished
if you do something wrong?
**[17:13] Todo**
Nah. I mean, obviously you win
out if you're a piece of shit.
**[17:16] Jyushi**
But God is watching!
**[17:17] Kara**
The hell he is! Did he doze off?!
**[17:20] Todo**
So did anyone find Choromatsu-niisan?
**[17:23] Ichi**
He's still missing.
**[17:25] Ichi**
That poor bastard.
**[17:26] Ichi**
Hopefully he's alive somewhere.
**[17:28] All**
Yeah.
**[17:29] Jyushi**
Should we file a missing person's report?
**[17:30] Todo**
Nah, we don't need to go that far.
**[17:33] Kara**
And what are we gonna do about that?
**[17:35] Kara**
He hasn't come out at all.
**[17:39] Kara**
Hey, Osomatsu.
**[17:40] Jyushi**
Osomatsu-niisan! Come out!
**[17:42] Kara**
The hell are you doing? Actually,
how did you even get under there?
**[17:45] Todo**
Jyushimatsu-niisan, drag him out.
**[17:47] Jyushi**
Aye!
**[17:51] Jyushi**
I can't. He's super strong.
**[17:53] Jyushi**
I feel an unbreakable will
as strong as a demon's.
**[17:55] Todo**
What?
**[17:56] Ichi**
Hey, jackass. You've got a
date tomorrow afternoon.
**[17:59] Ichi**
Remember to go, and don't be late.
**[18:03] Kara**
Huh? He's saying something.
**[18:05] ---**
What?
**[18:07] Jyushi**
That was so quiet. What'd you say?
**[18:10] Jyushi**
He said, "I don't know."
**[18:12] Kara**
What doesn't he know?
**[18:14] Jyushi**
He doesn't know what he doesn't know.
**[18:16] All**
Huh?
**[18:19] Jyushi**
He doesn't know anything.
**[18:21] Jyushi**
"I don't know."
**[18:22] Oso**
I don't know. I don't know.
**[18:24] Jyushi**
"I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know."
**[18:28] Kara**
Wait, what? What's going on?
**[18:31] Totty**
Ooh, Totty's figured it out!
**[18:34] Totty**
So basically...
**[18:36] Totty**
You ass!
**[18:37] Totty**
You're scared, aren't you?!
**[18:39] Kara**
Seriously?! That's so lame!
**[18:40] Jyushi**
So lame!
**[18:41] Ichi**
So lame!
**[18:42] Kara**
You said you'd go, so go!
**[18:45] Todo**
Where'd your cockiness go?!
**[18:47] Ichi**
Are you all talk?!
**[18:52] Todo**
The hell?
**[18:55] Jyushi**
"Someone wear this."
**[18:57] Jyushi**
"Make yourself look like me."
**[19:00] Jyushi**
"And go on this date in my place"?!
**[19:03] All**
You're awful, you know that?!
**[19:06] Jyushi**
Don't run! No hiding!
**[19:07] Todo**
That's just super rude to Nyaa-chan!
**[19:09] Ichi**
At least have the balls to
turn her down yourself!
**[19:12] Jyushi**
Come down here, you jerk!
**[19:13] Todo**
This is who you are?
You're such a disappointment!
**[19:15] Ichi**
Oldest brother, my ass!
**[19:17] Kara**
Hold it.
**[19:18] Kara**
That's enough.
**[19:20] Kara**
I can understand how
Osomatsu must be feeling.
**[19:23] Todo**
K-Karamatsu-niisan...
**[19:27] Kara**
Have no fear, Osomatsu.
**[19:29] Kara**
I'll go on this date for you.
**[19:31] All**
Wait, wait, wait.
**[19:32] Todo**
No!
**[19:33] Kara**
Huh?
**[19:34] Todo**
She'll figure it out immediately,
plus it's honestly really rude.
**[19:39] Todo**
I'll go on this date.
**[19:40] All**
Wait, wait, wait.
**[19:41] Jyushi**
I'll go.
**[19:42] All**
Wait, wait, wait.
**[19:44] Ichi**
Okay, I'll go.
**[19:47] Kara**
I wanna go on a date, too!
**[19:48] Todo**
I wanna go on a date!
**[19:49] Jyushi**
I want someone to love me!
**[19:50] Ichi**
I want to be popular!
***SIGN*** Hybrid Oden
**[21:40] Nyaa**
I'm sorry!
**[21:42] Nyaa**
I-I'm so sorry!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[23:44] Oso**
Sorry to keep you waiting,
all you dog lovers out there!
**[23:47] Oso**
The next episode of *Mr. Osomatsu* is "Dogs!"
***SIGN*** "Dogs" etc.
**[23:50] Oso**
To all you crayfish lovers out there,
you'll have to wait a little longer!
# E19 - Dogs
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/GX9UQD2W3/dogs)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
***SIGN*** "Are They Disbanding?"
**[00:08] ume**
No one's laughing at our jokes.
**[00:09] shake**
Yeah.
**[00:11] ume**
Comedy is so hard. We haven't been
able to create the right algorithm.
**[00:14] Ume**
What does "You're so funny that
no one's laughing" even mean?
***SIGN*** Comedy Theory: Unknown
**[00:17] Ume**
Then there's the opposite, "You're so
not funny, it's hilarious." The hell?
**[00:21] Ume**
What does it all mean?!
What's the right answer?!
**[00:26] Shake**
Yeah.
**[00:27] Ume**
Crap. We're never going to win
the competition like this.
**[00:30] Ume**
The prelims for the A-1 Grand Prix
are going to start soon.
**[00:34] Ume**
Gosh, I'd love to make it to the finals.
I'd love to win even more.
**[00:38] Shake**
Yeah.
**[00:39] Ume**
No, no. I need to stop daydreaming
and think about our show tomorrow.
**[00:44] Ume**
What routine should we use?
**[00:46] Ume**
We need to be popular at our
shows to win at the A-1, too.
***SIGN*** A-1 Semifinal
**[00:50] Ume**
The semifinal round is a
live performance, after all.
**[00:54] Ume**
If we manage to capture the crowd,
they'll laugh and clap.
**[00:57] Ume**
If the crowd loves us, the judges
will have to let us through.
**[01:01] Ume**
But if we get through that
and make it to the finals,
**[01:05] Ume**
we'll be on TV next. That's the hard part.
**[01:09] Ume**
I mean, we made our routine
for a live audience, not TV.
**[01:13] Ume**
If we do a routine for a live audience,
**[01:15] Ume**
we might make it through the prelims.
**[01:17] Ume**
But the finals are going to be on live TV,
**[01:20] Ume**
so things might be too different,
and people might not find us funny.
**[01:23] Ume**
How do we figure out that balance?
***SIGN*** A-1 Grand Prix Routine 3-5
***SIGN*** Pickled Plum: Hello, I'm Pickled Plum. Salmon: Hello, I'm Salmon. And together, we're the Riceballs. Pickled Plum: (Fill in with recent joke) Salmon: (Reply with something that's older) Pickled Plum: That's old! That's got nothing to do with this! Salmon: (Ask the crowd) -> (But what if we're in a studio?) Pickled Plum: Don't ask people for help! Don't trouble our audience like that! Salmon: (Suddenly change the subject) *Make sure to grab the audience to make them think we're funnier -> (That'll make the judges think better of us)
***SIGN*** Lines are too long and we go over our time -> If we're in studio, they'll just edit us
***SIGN*** Pickled Plum: Wow, you suddenly changed the subject. And? Salmon: Well, I was just thinking rating others is hard. An idol asked me to rate her, but she's not cute at all. She keeps coming back wearing these costumes, but they're all like fish. Not to mention, they're all really creepy. Where did she even get those? Why would you even decide to be a sea urchin or a nautilus? Just explaining the situation isn't funny Pickled Plum: Wait, what are you even talking about? This might be funny live *Try doing over the top gestures here (Algorithm pattern MI5)
**[01:25] Ume**
What is the right balance?
**[01:27] Ume**
This is too complicated for an AI!
I want humans to think we're funny!
**[01:31] Ume**
I want them to laugh!
**[01:36] Ume**
Salmon, are you listening?
**[01:38] Shake**
Huh?
**[01:39] Ume**
Why are you playing games?
I'm trying to think up routines here.
**[01:43] Shake**
Sorry.
**[01:46] Ume**
You need to take this more seriously.
Otherwise, we'll never make it to the finals.
**[01:50] Ume**
Are you even trying?
**[01:52] Shake**
Yeah.
**[01:53] Ume**
Are you putting in any effort?
**[01:54] Shake**
Yeah.
**[01:55] Ume**
What are you even doing? Have you been
going out drinking with our seniors,
**[01:59] Ume**
thinking up jokes,
and doing stuff for comedy?
**[02:01] Shake**
Don't pressure me like this.
**[02:02] Ume**
Are you thinking up funny situations?
Watching other comedians?
**[02:05] Shake**
I said don't pressure me!
**[02:06] Shake**
I know you're nervous with
the competition coming up,
**[02:09] Shake**
but don't put pressure on me
to relieve your own stress!
**[02:11] Ume**
You haven't even memorized our routines.
**[02:14] Ume**
Why do you keep messing them up?
**[02:15] Ume**
You get the pauses and the nuances wrong, too.
**[02:18] Ume**
You're not even writing the routines,
so at least memorize them.
**[02:21] Shake**
You're able to memorize them
quickly because you're writing them!
**[02:24] Ume**
Huh?
**[02:25] Shake**
I'm grateful that you're writing our routines.
***SIGN*** Lines are too long and we go over our time -> If we're in studio, they'll just edit us
***SIGN*** Pickled Plum: Wow, you suddenly changed the subject. And? Salmon: Well, I was just thinking rating others is hard. An idol asked me to rate her, but she's not cute at all. She keeps coming back wearing these costumes, but they're all like fish. Not to mention, they're all really creepy. Where did she even get those? Why would you even decide to be a sea urchin or a nautilus? Just explaining the situation isn't funny Pickled Plum: Wait, what are you even talking about? This might be funny live *Try doing over the top gestures here (Algorithm pattern MI5)
**[02:27] Shake**
But it's harder being the one
who doesn't write them.
**[02:30] Shake**
Must be nice, having it in your head
already because you wrote it.
**[02:34] Shake**
Also, you give me the scripts way too late.
**[02:37] Shake**
I can't memorize a new
routine the day before!
**[02:40] Ume**
Maybe if you were human!
**[02:42] ume**
AIs should be able to memorize them quickly!
**[02:45] shake**
Maybe if we were actually decent AIs!
**[02:48] shake**
We can't! Look how messed up we are!
**[02:51] ume**
I'm always the one who makes you funny.
**[02:54] Shake**
Wow! If you say that to your partner,
we're finished!
**[02:57] Shake**
I'm the one who always makes you funny!
**[03:00] Ume**
You just said it yourself!
**[03:01] Ume**
You need to work harder!
**[03:02] Shake**
I am working hard!
**[03:03] Ume**
You need to think about me more!
**[03:04] Shake**
And you need to think about me!
**[03:09] Both**
Hmph!
**[03:13] Ume**
We might be at our limit.
**[03:16] Ume**
Maybe... we should think about disbanding.
**[03:23] Oso**
Yeah, it must be rough to
keep up a comedy duo.
**[03:27] Shake**
So, Osomatsu-kun, could you
talk to Pickled Plum for me?
**[03:31] Oso**
Nah, too much work.
**[03:33] Shake**
Please!
**[03:34] Oso**
Uh...
**[03:36] Choro**
That sounds rough.
**[03:37] Choro**
But why not wait a bit
longer before you disband?
**[03:41] Choro**
Don't worry. I'll try talking to Salmon.
**[03:46] Ume**
Thank you, Choromatsu-kun.
**[03:46] Shake**
Please, Osomatsu-kun.
**[03:51] Oso**
Nah, nah, nah.
**[03:52] Choro**
Nah, nah, nah.
**[03:53] Oso**
Salmon's doing his best.
**[03:55] Choro**
So is Pickled Plum.
**[03:56] Oso**
Pickled Plum is way too logical.
He thinks way too much.
**[04:00] Oso**
Why not forget all the minor
details and just have fun?
**[04:05] Choro**
That's exactly what an amateur would think.
**[04:07] Choro**
Sure, that sounds nice,
and it might be correct,
**[04:10] Choro**
but being that half-assed isn't
going to get them anywhere.
**[04:13] Choro**
They need to think all of this through.
**[04:15] Oso**
Even so, Salmon's doing his best here.
**[04:18] Oso**
You need to at least acknowledge that,
or he won't be able to stay motivated.
**[04:22] Choro**
I know he's trying, but it's not enough.
That's why we're discussing this.
**[04:25] Choro**
I think I'm the one who really
wants these two to succeed here.
**[04:29] Oso**
You're way too serious.
**[04:30] Choro**
And you're way too half-assed.
**[04:32] Oso**
Being the funny one is difficult.
Must be nice being you.
**[04:35] Oso**
People think you're actually the proper one.
**[04:38] Oso**
Like you have it all together.
People naturally think highly of you.
**[04:41] Choro**
It's harder doing the retorts.
**[04:43] Choro**
Must be nice being you.
**[04:44] Choro**
People think you're funny if you
just make up crap on the spot.
**[04:47] Choro**
People don't care if you
mess up? That's awesome!
**[04:49] Choro**
I have to manage by existing in your shadow!
**[04:51] Oso**
Why don't you take my place, then?
**[04:53] Oso**
See how it feels when people
call you stupid, shit,
**[04:56] Oso**
or the devil even though you're funny!
**[04:57] Oso**
I'm human, too, so that shit hurts!
**[04:59] Choro**
Well, take my place, then!
**[05:01] Choro**
Just try doing my job!
**[05:03] Choro**
I mean, I'm always doing all the shit you
should be doing as the oldest brother!
**[05:07] Choro**
Because no one in this
house would ever even try!
**[05:11] Oso**
I've got it harder than you!
**[05:13] Choro**
No, I've got it harder!
**[05:14] Oso**
I'm the one who makes you funny!
**[05:16] Choro**
No, I'm the one who makes *you* funny!
**[05:19] Oso**
What'd you say?!
**[05:20] Choro**
What?!
**[05:21] Oso**
Your face is dumb!
**[05:22] Choro**
No, your face is dumb!
**[05:23] Oso**
Your voice is dumb!
**[05:24] Choro**
No, your voice is dumb!
**[05:25] Oso**
Your dick is small, too!
**[05:27] Choro**
Yours is smaller!
**[05:28] Both**
Mine's bigger, you jackass!
**[05:30] Both**
What?!
**[05:37] Ume**
Thanks for everything.
**[05:38] Shake**
No, thank you.
**[05:41] Ume**
I'm sorry I said something so mean.
**[05:42] Shake**
It's okay.
**[05:44] Ume**
I want you to be my partner, Salmon.
**[05:46] Shake**
And I want you to be my partner, Pickled Plum.
**[05:49] Shake**
Let's keep doing our best together.
**[05:51] Ume**
Yeah.
**[05:53] Oso**
Whip out your tiny dick!
**[05:56] Choro**
Shut up! Die!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** "Sumo Stable"
***SIGN*** Matsu Stable
**[07:32] Mura**
Hey, guys.
**[07:34] Mura**
This is the new apprentice, Todomatsu-kun.
**[07:37] Mura**
He'll be joining our stable as of today.
**[07:39] Mura**
Say hello.
**[07:41] Todo**
I-I'm the new apprentice, Matsuno Todomatsu.
**[07:43] Todo**
It's nice to meet all of you.
**[07:45] Mura**
Now I'll introduce your senior apprentices.
***SIGN*** Osonohana
**[07:48] Mura**
Osonohana.
**[07:49] Oso**
Heya!
***SIGN*** Karashouryuu
**[07:51] Mura**
Karashouryuu.
**[07:53] Kara**
Ulaanbaatar!
***SIGN*** Choronofuji
**[07:55] Mura**
Choronofuji.
**[07:56] Choro**
I'm out of energy!
***SIGN*** Nekodamashi
**[07:58] Mura**
Nekodamashi.
**[08:00] Ichi**
Mrow.
***SIGN*** Jyushimatsu
**[08:02] Mura**
Jyushimatsu.
**[08:03] Jyushi**
Jyushimatsu!
**[08:05] Todo**
Whoa, they're all so huge!
**[08:08] Todo**
They look so strong!
**[08:09] Mura**
None of them have won a single match yet.
**[08:11] Todo**
What?!
**[08:12] Mura**
I'm leaving the rest to you guys.
**[08:14] All**
Got it!
**[08:17] Oso**
Nice to meet you.
**[08:18] Oso**
It's gonna be difficult at first, but eat
lots, train lots, and get stronger!
**[08:23] Todo**
Right.
**[08:24] Kara**
If there's something you don't
understand, just $@#$*@**#%*I($*$@*.
**[08:27] Todo**
Sorry, I didn't quite catch—
**[08:30] Choro**
(@##*)$#@*#.
**[08:32] Ichi**
(@)$@**$*#.
**[08:34] Jyushi**
$$#)**%*.
**[08:37] All**
(@#*$)@%$$(%@#($##**$%.
**[08:43] Kara**
Well? Did you catch all that?
**[08:45] Todo**
Yup, sure did! I'll do my best!
**[08:51] Oso**
Get out here now!
**[08:53] Todo**
Peek.
**[09:00] Oso**
Get out here.
**[09:01] Todo**
It's too embarrassing!
I don't look good in this thing!
**[09:06] Oso**
Hurry up!
**[09:07] Todo**
Don't stare too hard, okay?
**[09:13] Todo**
Stop staring! It's so embarrassing! Jeez!
**[09:16] Todo**
Oh, my gosh!
**[09:29] Todo**
H-Hey, wait. Slowly, okay? Slowly.
**[09:33] Todo**
Ow, ow, ow, owie! Jeez,
you dummy! You jerk! I said slowly!
**[09:39] Todo**
Owie! Stop!
**[09:42] Todo**
Ow, ow, ow, ow, owie!
**[09:43] Ichi**
I haven't pushed yet.
**[09:44] Todo**
Owie!
**[09:45] Ichi**
I'm not pushing!
**[09:46] Todo**
I said owie!
**[09:47] Todo**
Gosh! Ugh!
**[09:52] Todo**
I'll just do it myself!
**[09:59] Todo**
There, all done!
**[10:02] Kara**
Now to practice your charging.
**[10:03] Kara**
Come at me!
**[10:05] Todo**
Good work, guys.
**[10:07] Kara**
Hold it!
**[10:16] Todo**
I'm scared! I can't do it!
**[10:20] Todo**
Here I go!
**[10:21] Kara**
Come on!
**[10:25] Kara**
Harder!
**[10:27] Todo**
Right, harder.
**[10:28] Todo**
Here I go!
**[10:36] Todo**
Good work, guys!
**[10:37] Kara**
Hold it!
**[10:49] ---**
Hey!
**[10:56] Jyushimatsu**
Don't turn into a kamaboko!
**[10:58] Todo**
Huh? Kamaboko?
**[11:00] Choro**
That's what we call jerks
**[11:02] Choro**
who don't do anything
during training other than
**[11:05] Choro**
rest their backs against the wall.
**[11:07] Todo**
Huh... A kamaboko... That's so cute!
**[11:10] Both**
What?!
**[11:18] Choro**
That's not right at all.
**[11:21] Choro**
This is how you do it!
**[11:23] Todo**
Got it!
**[11:28] Choro**
Put your back into it!
**[11:30] Todo**
Got it!
**[11:50] Five**
*He's too weak...*
***SIGN*** Matsu Stable
**[11:53] Oso**
Are you even trying?
**[11:55] Oso**
Do you really want to
become a sumo wrestler?
**[11:58] Todo**
Yes, I want to be a sumo wrestler.
**[12:01] Todo**
I mean, sumo wrestlers are just so cool.
**[12:04] Todo**
They're big and strong...
I want to be like that, too.
**[12:09] Kara**
I see. I guess he does really want this.
**[12:13] Choro**
I suppose we can look after him a bit longer.
**[12:16] Todo**
Choronofuji!
**[12:17] Oso**
Oh, fine.
**[12:19] Todo**
Osonohana!
**[12:20] Kara**
You've got this!
**[12:21] Jyushi**
Don't give up!
**[12:22] Todo**
Karashouryuu! Jyushimatsu!
**[12:24] Ichi**
Right. Let's start training, then.
**[12:31] Ichi**
Don't hate us.
**[12:32] Kara**
Give it all you've got.
**[12:33] Todo**
Right!
**[12:34] Oso**
Okay, let's start our training back up!
***SIGN*** Matsu Stable
**[12:37] Todo**
Thank you!
**[12:48] Oso**
Eat lots.
**[12:49] Oso**
We're gonna get even bigger! Let's eat!
**[12:52] All**
Let's eat!
***SIGN*** Pleasant
Granola
Yum!
**[12:58] Todo**
Thanks for the food.
**[12:59] Five**
Hey!
**[13:00] Kara**
Eat the chanko stew, you dummy!
**[13:02] Choro**
You won't get bigger if you don't!
**[13:04] Both**
Eat it! Eat it!
**[13:06] Todo**
Nah, I'm good. I'm already full.
**[13:08] ---**
Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!
**[13:11] Todo**
I can't. If I eat any more, I'm gonna puke.
**[13:13] Todo**
Nope, gonna puke.
**[13:21] Todo**
Shut up!
**[13:23] Todo**
You dumbass! Shut up! I can't sleep!
**[13:30] Five**
Hey!
**[13:38] Todo**
Owie!
**[13:40] Todo**
Owie!
**[13:44] Todo**
Here's your chanko stew!
**[13:47] Five**
Hot!
**[13:51] Oso**
Please! Just give up!
**[13:54] Kara**
You can't do anything! Just give up!
**[13:59] Choro**
Please, give up!
**[14:01] Ichi**
Give up!
**[14:03] Jyushi**
Give up!
***SIGN*** Matsu Stable
**[14:23] Kara**
That good-for-nothing! He can't do anything!
**[14:25] Oso**
But he's sorta adorable,
so let's keep him around.
**[14:28] Kara**
Yeah.
**[14:30] Todo**
That hurt, jeez!
**[14:32] Todo**
Ugh, I'm done!
***SIGN*** End
**[14:36] Todo**
I can't! I can't! I can't!
***SIGN*** "Dogs"
**[14:44] Jyushi**
Shake.
**[14:46] Jyushi**
Other paw.
**[14:47] Jyushi**
Now beg.
**[14:50] Jyushi**
You're so smart.
**[14:52] Jyushi**
Jeez, that tickles!
**[14:54] Jyushi**
Stay.
**[14:56] Jyushi**
Okay!
**[15:01] Jyushi**
Bang!
**[15:03] Jyushi**
Now come back!
**[15:05] Jyushi**
Aw, you're so smart!
**[15:18] Jyushi**
Here it goes!
**[15:27] Jyushi**
You're so good, Wanta. Great job!
**[15:33] Jyushi**
What? You want me to throw this, too?
**[15:37] Jyushi**
Okay!
**[15:38] Jyushi**
Here it goes!
**[15:42] Jyushi**
Oh, crap!
**[16:29] Ichi**
Jyushimatsu? The hell are you doing?
**[16:34] Ichi**
Huh?
**[16:37] Ichi**
Huh? What?
**[16:49] Ichi**
*C-Could it be that...*
**[16:53] Ichi**
Jyushimatsu?
**[16:56] Ichi**
Jyushimatsu!
**[17:04] Ichi**
U-Uh...
**[17:06] Ichi**
Which one's Jyushimatsu here?
**[17:08] Ichi**
Um...
**[17:16] Ichi**
Hang on a second! Stop playing for now!
**[17:19] Ichi**
Which one are you?
**[17:22] Ichi**
Will the real Jyushimatsu
please raise his hand?
**[17:26] Ichi**
I knew it!
**[17:28] Ichi**
Of course! You're Jyushimatsu!
**[17:32] Ichi**
You are Jyushimatsu, right? Right?
**[17:36] Ichi**
I knew it... Crap.
**[17:38] Ichi**
You switched bodies with a dog.
**[17:41] Ichi**
What did you even do?
**[17:44] Ichi**
So you fell from here?
**[17:47] Ichi**
That's the reason. That's when
you two switched bodies.
**[17:53] Ichi**
How the hell didn't you notice?!
**[17:56] Ichi**
Look! That's clearly you!
**[17:58] Ichi**
That's Jyushimatsu!
**[18:00] Ichi**
You guys switched bodies!
**[18:04] Ichi**
How do you not understand this?!
**[18:06] Ichi**
That's you, right? That's Jyushimatsu.
**[18:09] Ichi**
But you're Jyushimatsu, too, right?
**[18:11] Ichi**
That's messed up. You guys switched.
**[18:15] Ichi**
Get a clue already!
**[18:17] Ichi**
No playing! You need to find a solution.
**[18:21] Ichi**
Take a look at your hand.
That's clearly a dog's paw.
**[18:26] Ichi**
See? You're clearly over here.
**[18:30] Ichi**
Got it? Do you finally understand?
**[18:33] Ichi**
This means your mind has been
swapped out with the dog's.
**[18:41] Ichi**
Why are you laughing?
You need to believe me!
**[18:45] Ichi**
Your body's a dog now, right?
**[18:48] Ichi**
This is your real body, right?
**[18:51] Ichi**
So your minds have switched.
**[18:54] Ichi**
Get a friggin' clue!
**[18:56] Ichi**
Stop playing!
**[19:05] Ichi**
You're telling me to throw it?
**[19:07] Ichi**
Now's really not the time for that.
**[19:11] Ichi**
Okay, fine. Just once, got it?
**[19:14] Ichi**
There.
**[19:26] Ichi**
Pet him?
**[19:28] Ichi**
Here.
**[19:32] Ichi**
Help me!
**[19:35] Ichi**
That's gross!
**[19:36] Ichi**
No! Jyushimatsu, make him
stop! Make him stop!
**[19:44] Ichi**
That was hell... But anyway...
**[19:46] Ichi**
We need to figure out how to turn him back.
**[19:56] Ichi**
Do you finally get it? Took you long enough.
**[20:00] Ichi**
Don't try to get inside him.
**[20:02] Ichi**
That's not happening.
**[20:04] Ichi**
There's no other way. You two need
to fall down these steps again.
**[20:12] Ichi**
I know you're scared, but there's no
other way. It's to return you to normal.
**[20:16] Ichi**
Here we go.
**[20:18] Ichi**
Three, two, one...
**[20:23] Ichi**
Crap! He ran away!
**[20:31] Ichi**
Don't worry, Jyushimatsu.
**[20:34] Ichi**
I'll catch that runaway dog.
**[20:38] Ichi**
I promise I'll turn you back to normal.
**[20:41] Ichi**
You're my precious little brother, after all.
**[20:46] Ichi**
Wait here!
**[21:09] Ichi**
I overestimated my physical abilities.
**[21:12] Ichi**
I'm sorry.
**[21:30] Choro**
Honestly, there's not much of a difference.
**[21:33] Choro**
You can barely tell.
**[21:34] Todo**
I mean, Jyushimatsu-niisan's
always been like this.
**[21:37] Todo**
He's basically like a dog.
**[21:39] Oso**
A dog, huh? I guess stuff like
this happens all the time.
**[21:44] Kara**
Jyushimatsu, to your cage!
**[21:47] Kara**
Cage!
**[21:49] Oso**
Oh, jeez!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[23:34] Kara**
Next week on *Mr. Osomatsu*,
we have "Persimmons."
**[23:36] Kara**
You know, the fruit.
**[23:38] Kara**
In English, it's "persimmons."
**[23:39] Kara**
Huh? Persimmons? But it's "kaki" in Japanese.
They're nothing alike at all.
**[23:44] Kara**
Okay, I'm going on a journey to
find the persimmons of my soul.
**[23:48] Kara**
I hope all of you also find the
persimmons of your souls, too.
***SIGN*** "Persimmons" etc.
**[23:50] Kara**
Persimmon journey!
**[23:52] Kara**
Ignition.
# E20 - Persimmons
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/G4VUQ3DVD/persimmons)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
***SIGN*** "Let's Buy Them"
**[00:11] Oso**
They took down the partition...
**[00:14] Todo**
...so they're right out in the open.
***SIGN*** Barely There Hyaluronic Acid
***SIGN*** Harely There Super Thin
***SIGN*** Magnum
**[00:18] Oso**
Damn it. What the hell?
**[00:20] Oso**
What are they trying to tell us?
**[00:22] Oso**
They're looking right at us!
**[00:24] Todo**
What is this pressure?
Why am I feeling so worked up?
**[00:27] Todo**
Damn it! Stop looking at us!
What are you trying to say?
**[00:31] Oso**
I mean, we...
**[00:33] Todo**
I mean, we...
**[00:41] Todo**
Wanna buy them?
**[00:43] Oso**
T-Totty! What are you saying?!
**[00:46] Todo**
Let's just buy them already!
**[00:47] Todo**
There's no point in cowering
forever like this!
**[00:50] Oso**
Y-You can't mean we should
actually buy them!
**[00:52] Oso**
B-But that's...
**[00:56] Todo**
Why are your knees quaking?!
How pathetic are you?
**[00:59] Todo**
We're going to use them someday!
**[01:00] Todo**
So we can just buy them now!
We'll need them someday!
**[01:04] Oso**
B-But... I mean... They're sort of expensive.
**[01:07] Todo**
We're gonna use them someday!
**[01:09] Todo**
Aren't you going to use them?!
**[01:10] Oso**
I am...
**[01:11] Todo**
Do you plan on never using them?!
**[01:13] Oso**
No...
**[01:14] Todo**
You'll use them someday, right?
**[01:15] Oso**
Yeah!
**[01:15] Todo**
So let's buy them right now!
**[01:17] Todo**
Let's both pitch in!
**[01:25] Oso**
All right. I'll buy them.
**[01:28] Todo**
Well said!
**[01:29] Todo**
Don't underestimate us!
We're gonna buy you!
**[01:32] Oso**
And we'll use you!
**[01:34] Todo**
We'll use this opportunity to
finally take a step forward!
**[01:36] Oso**
Yeah!
**[01:37] Todo**
We're gonna buy you!
**[01:38] Oso**
Yeah!
***SIGN*** Barely There Hyaluronic Acid
***SIGN*** Harely There Super Thin
***SIGN*** Magnum
**[01:40] Both**
We're gonna buy you!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Matsuno Choromatsu Memorial Hall
**[03:26] Sign**
National
***SIGN*** Matsuno Choromatsu Memorial Hall
***SIGN*** "Choromatsu Memorial Hall"
***SIGN*** Celebrating
Matsuno Choromatsu
Memorial Hall
**[03:36] Todo**
"Matsuno Choromatsu Memorial Hall"?
**[03:39] Choro**
Good day, everyone.
**[03:40] Choro**
I'm the director of the Matsuno Choromatsu
Memorial Hall, Matsuno Choromatsu.
**[03:44] Choro**
I am truly grateful to see
the coming of this glorious day.
**[03:50] Choro**
You may be wondering why
this building came to be.
**[03:54] Choro**
We believe that society's assessment of
Matsuno Choromatsu is rather unjust.
**[03:58] Choro**
He deserves far more praise.
**[04:01] Choro**
We therefore built this establishment
here, where he was born,
**[04:04] Choro**
to tell later generations of his exploits.
**[04:07] Todo**
*The hell is he talking about?*
**[04:09] Choro**
Who actually built this building?
**[04:11] Choro**
Yes! It was I!
**[04:13] Todo**
*Yeah, no shit.*
**[04:15] Choro**
It will open on March 3rd
in the third year of Reiwa.
**[04:18] Choro**
We're going for all threes
because he's the third Matsuno son.
**[04:20] Choro**
This will be on the test, so remember it.
**[04:22] Todo**
*No, seriously, what?*
**[04:24] choro**
Now, let us go inside.
**[04:29] Choro**
Please, come in. Admission is free.
**[04:33] Todo**
* When the hell did he build*
* all this in our basement?*
***SIGN*** Matsuno Choromatsu
**[04:37] Choro**
This is a full-body bronze
statue of Matsuno Choromatsu.
**[04:40] Todo**
Huh?
**[04:40] Choro**
Just look at how fit he is.
**[04:42] Choro**
You can truly tell how
stoic and earnest he is.
**[04:46] Todo**
* What's fit about him?*
* That's definitely a muffin-top.*
**[04:49] Choro**
You can take your commemorative
photos right here.
**[05:00] Choro**
There you are.
**[05:01] Choro**
You can now be Matsuno Choromatsu, too.
**[05:03] Choro**
Congratulations!
**[05:06] Choro**
As you know, Matsuno Choromatsu
is a master of retorts.
**[05:10] Choro**
So here is a series of pictures
depicting his elegant form.
**[05:14] Choro**
Such force. How beautiful.
**[05:17] Choro**
His retorts constantly lead his very stupid
**[05:19] Choro**
and useless brothers down the right path.
**[05:23] Choro**
He's ever reliable. He should be
thanked for his distinguished service.
***SIGN*** The Matsuno Choromatsu Retort Experience
**[05:28] Choro**
Now, let us experience these
masterful retorts ourselves.
**[05:32] Choro**
Go right ahead. It's free.
**[05:34] Todo**
Huh?
**[05:38] Choro**
Why the hell?!
**[05:40] Choro**
You went to see some shrimp?
**[05:41] Choro**
I'd rather set my ass hair on fire than
**[05:43] Choro**
care about what color your
nails are, you uggo!
**[05:45] Choro**
Fantastic!
**[05:47] Todo**
*That last one wasn't a retort.*
**[05:48] Todo**
* Also, I'm so sorry,*
* Salmon and Pickled Plum.*
**[05:52] Choro**
These are the glasses
he wore in high school.
**[05:55] Todo**
*Don't put trash like that on display.*
**[05:57] Choro**
Here are his test answer sheets.
He always got excellent marks.
**[06:00] Todo**
* He's totally lying about these scores.*
* He was an absolute moron!*
**[06:03] Choro**
This is the first figure
he ever put together.
**[06:05] Todo**
*Don't display that.*
**[06:06] Choro**
This is perfection. Matsuno Choromatsu
is brimming with talent.
**[06:11] Todo**
* Yeah, no. You're speaking*
* way too highly of yourself.*
**[06:13] Choro**
As you can see, he is also a man of culture.
***SIGN*** Nya
**[06:17] Choro**
He is a man of many hobbies.
**[06:19] Todo**
*Okay, nerd.*
***SIGN*** 2017 Tax Form
**[06:20] Choro**
This is the first tax filing he submitted.
**[06:24] Choro**
"You mustn't be a NEET at heart!"
***SIGN*** 2017 Tax Form
**[06:27] Choro**
You can hear him say that in your heart.
**[06:30] Todo**
* I have no idea what you're saying.*
* I keep saying this.*
**[06:34] Choro**
He always fearlessly changed his appearance.
**[06:36] Choro**
Everyone acknowledged how courageous
he was and this look was a hit!
**[06:44] Choro**
Allow me to repeat that last part.
It was a hit.
**[06:48] Choro**
It was an absolute hit.
**[06:50] Choro**
H-I-T.
**[06:52] Todo**
*I get it already! You're creeping me out!*
**[06:54] Choro**
Matsuno Choromatsu has left
so many relics in this world.
**[06:59] Todo**
*You clearly don't know what relics are.*
**[07:00] Choro**
This one here is truly amazing!
The Konden Einen Shizai Law!
**[07:04] Todo**
What?!
**[07:04] Choro**
Established in the 15th
year of the Tenpyo Era,
**[07:06] Choro**
this was the blueprint for the
manorial system that came to follow.
**[07:10] Todo**
*You had nothing to do with this!*
**[07:12] Todo**
*Don't try to edit yourself into history!*
**[07:14] Choro**
He then traveled around
the world to find himself.
**[07:18] Choro**
He was finally able to achieve nirvana
and free himself of worldly thoughts.
**[07:22] Choro**
Remarkable! He was free
of all human desires!
**[07:26] Todo**
*You haven't been freed at all!*
**[07:27] Todo**
* This whole hall is filled with*
* nothing but those desires!*
***SIGN*** Choromage
***SIGN*** Choromedia
**[07:30] Todo**
*Yikes.*
***SIGN*** The Story of Choro Through Manga
***SIGN*** Choro Record (Part 1)
**[07:33] Todo**
*What the hell?!*
**[07:36] Todo**
*That's just scary!*
**[07:37] Choro**
Our final piece is the legendary
self-awareness rising ball.
**[07:42] Choro**
His empyreal and proud mind was able
to create a miracle such as this.
**[07:47] Choro**
It is alive.
**[07:50] Choro**
How did you like it?
**[07:51] Choro**
This remarkable figure
named Matsuno Choromatsu
**[07:53] Choro**
continues to grow by the day,
and he got to where he is today
**[07:56] Choro**
without letting all the haters get him down.
**[07:58] Choro**
He is loved by many and hogged all
the trust and popularity for himself.
**[08:03] Choro**
Now, let us sing his praises!
**[08:05] Choro**
Long live Matsuno Choromatsu!
**[08:07] Choro**
Huzzah!
**[08:09] Choro**
Huzzah!
**[08:09] Choro**
Huzzah!
**[08:11] Choro**
Huzzah!
**[08:11] ---**
Huzzah!
**[08:13] ---**
Yay!
**[08:14] Choro**
Up next...
**[08:15] Todo**
*There's more?!*
**[08:16] Choro**
These are relics of Matsuno
Choromatsu's past.
**[08:20] Choro**
Now, let us see what he has
in store for the future.
**[08:23] Todo**
*Th-The future? What do you mean?!*
**[08:24] Todo**
*I'm scared! I might just die!*
***SIGN*** Future Corner
**[08:30] Todo**
This is the suit he wore on his first day
at work when, out of all the brothers,
**[08:34] Todo**
he succeeded in getting a job first!
**[08:36] Todo**
*What?!*
**[08:37] Choro**
I worked so hard. I get teary-eyed
thinking back on the future...
**[08:42] Todo**
* Exactly how do you look back on*
* the future? What's going on?*
**[08:45] Todo**
*I keep saying this, but...*
**[08:48] Choro**
Oh, gosh! How embarrassing!
***SIGN*** Choro's First Date
**[08:50] Choro**
This is a commemorative photo that I took
on my first date with my girlfriend!
**[08:56] Choro**
It was so much fun! I was
enjoying my youth so much!
**[08:59] Choro**
This is the scarf she knitted
for me for my birthday!
***SIGN*** Historical Present
***SIGN*** Choro
***SIGN*** Historical Dishes
**[09:04] Choro**
She made me all kinds
of homemade meals, too...
**[09:07] Choro**
And wrote oh-so-many love letters!
***SIGN*** Historical Love Letters
**[09:11] Choro**
My trophy for my 1,000th conquest.
I just couldn't keep the ladies away.
**[09:14] Choro**
Who knew I was such a playboy?
***SIGN*** Asia
**[09:17] Choro**
And then I reached number one in Asia.
**[09:20] Choro**
You heard me. Asia.
That's basically worldwide. Wow.
**[09:23] Choro**
And then I got the Choromatsu Award
five years in a row, making history!
**[09:28] Choro**
You don't see anyone getting this
award that many times in a row.
**[09:30] Choro**
Anyone can get just one.
**[09:32] Choro**
It's staying on top that's hard,
which makes this impressive.
**[09:35] Choro**
That's so awesome!
**[09:37] Choro**
And then I got the Nobel Prize, became
the prime minister, then the president,
**[09:41] Choro**
appeared on the Kouhaku Music Festival,
and then made my home on the Moon!
**[09:44] Choro**
All praise Matsuno Choromatsu!
**[09:46] Choro**
Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzza—
**[09:53] Choro**
Stop!
**[09:55] Choro**
Don't burn it all down!
**[09:57] Choro**
My memorial hall! My memorial hall!
**[10:00] Choro**
My...
**[10:02] Choro**
memorial hall!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** "Ear Cleaning"
**[10:12] Oso**
Could you lie down already,
my dear Karamatsu-kun?
**[10:16] Oso**
I wanna go to pachinko.
**[10:17] Oso**
Let's get this ear cleaning over with.
**[10:21] Oso**
Come on.
**[10:24] Oso**
What are you doing?
**[10:25] Oso**
You can't clean out your own ears
because it weirds you out, right?
**[10:28] Oso**
But the inside of your ear has been
bothering you since yesterday.
**[10:30] Oso**
You're too embarrassed to tell anyone
else that you can't clean your ear,
**[10:34] Oso**
so you came to me, right?
**[10:36] Oso**
Get over here already, then.
Let's get this over with.
**[10:39] Kara**
I-I'm worried.
**[10:41] Oso**
Huh? About what?
**[10:42] Kara**
You.
**[10:43] Oso**
Huh?
**[10:44] Kara**
I hate to say it after I asked you to do this,
**[10:46] Kara**
but I didn't pick you because I wanted to.
**[10:49] Kara**
It was a process of elimination.
Negative selection.
**[10:52] Kara**
I hate to say it after I asked you
to do this, but you're so half-assed.
**[10:56] Kara**
Should I have asked you to clean my ears?
Are my ears going to be okay?
**[11:00] Kara**
I'm pretty sure they won't be.
**[11:02] Kara**
I hate to say it after I asked you to do this,
**[11:04] Kara**
but my gut is telling me not to let
someone like you clean my ears.
**[11:08] Oso**
I'm going to pachinko.
**[11:10] Kara**
I'm sorry! Please wait, Osomatsu-niisan!
**[11:12] Kara**
Pwease clean my ears!
**[11:14] Oso**
Isn't that messed up?
You asked me to do this, right?
**[11:16] Kara**
Yes.
**[11:17] Oso**
So why are you looking down on me?
**[11:20] Kara**
I'm sorry. It's just a habit.
**[11:21] Oso**
Tch.
**[11:22] Oso**
Just hurry up and lie down already.
**[11:24] Oso**
Let's get this over with.
**[11:25] Kara**
Could you not say it like that?!
**[11:27] Kara**
This has been bugging me for so long,
and you saying that is really scary!
**[11:31] Kara**
Ear cleaning seriously scares me!
**[11:33] Kara**
Is that getting through to you?!
**[11:35] Oso**
I got it.
**[11:36] Kara**
Can you be gentle?
**[11:38] Oso**
I can.
**[11:39] Kara**
Really?
**[11:40] Oso**
Yeah.
**[11:41] Kara**
You won't mess around?
**[11:42] Oso**
No.
**[11:43] Kara**
You promise?
**[11:44] Oso**
Yes.
**[11:45] Kara**
You liar! You're not that dependable!
**[11:47] Oso**
I'm going to pachinko.
**[11:50] Kara**
I went too far! I'm sorry!
**[11:52] Kara**
Pwease clean my ears for me!
**[11:54] Oso**
You're really weird today.
You asked me to do this, remember?
**[11:58] Kara**
Ear cleaning scares me so much.
**[12:00] Oso**
I get it already. I'll take
it seriously and be gentle.
**[12:04] Oso**
Just lie down already.
**[12:09] Kara**
I'm so scared...
**[12:13] Kara**
Osomatsu, um... Let me
know when you're about to—
**[12:17] Kara**
Whoa! Hey!
**[12:19] Oso**
Huh?
**[12:20] Kara**
Don't just ram it into my ear like that!
**[12:22] Kara**
You need to tell me when
you're about to start!
**[12:24] Kara**
Don't just silently jab
the earpick in there!
**[12:27] Kara**
I told you how scared I am! I told you!
**[12:31] Oso**
That was a no?
**[12:32] Kara**
Big no!
**[12:33] Oso**
My bad.
**[12:34] Kara**
Ugh! This is what I'm talking about!
**[12:36] Oso**
I'll tell you next time.
**[12:38] Oso**
You don't need to stand up. Lie back
down so we can get this over with.
**[12:41] Kara**
Stop saying it like that.
You saying that is scary.
**[12:45] Oso**
Okay! Just lie down already!
**[12:52] Oso**
Here I go.
**[12:53] Kara**
Wait!
**[12:53] Oso**
What now?
**[12:55] Kara**
Please give me a countdown.
**[12:56] Oso**
Ugh, you're such a pain.
**[12:59] Oso**
10, 9, 8, 7...
**[13:00] Kara**
You started that countdown way too fast!
**[13:02] Kara**
If you're going to count down that fast,
**[13:04] Kara**
you need a countdown to tell me
you're about to count down—
**[13:08] Kara**
Osomatsu, hold up! Hold up one second!
**[13:11] Oso**
What?
**[13:12] Kara**
Stop!
**[13:13] Oso**
I did stop.
**[13:14] Kara**
Wait, Osomatsu!
**[13:16] Oso**
I am waiting.
**[13:17] Kara**
I said wait!
**[13:18] Oso**
I am waiting.
**[13:18] Kara**
Wait!
**[13:19] Oso**
I am, damn it!
**[13:20] Kara**
Really? You're not gonna move?!
Where's the earpick right now?
**[13:24] Oso**
In the air.
**[13:25] Kara**
Ugh, I'm scared! I'm so scared!
**[13:28] Oso**
Shut up. Here I go.
**[13:30] Kara**
Wait, wait! Oh, God, that's scary!
**[13:34] Kara**
Osomatsu!
**[13:36] Oso**
Shut up already.
**[13:38] Oso**
Stop screaming! I can't concentrate.
**[13:41] Oso**
Hey!
**[13:44] Kara**
You did your best. Good work!
**[13:46] Kara**
Thank you very much!
**[13:48] Kara**
We can do my other ear another time.
**[13:50] Oso**
But I haven't even cleaned the first one.
**[13:53] Kara**
Huh?
**[13:54] Oso**
I didn't get any earwax.
**[13:56] Kara**
What?! The hell are you
doing? You're useless!
**[14:00] Oso**
It's not my fault!
**[14:01] Oso**
How am I supposed to concentrate
with you screaming at me?!
**[14:05] Kara**
We have to do it again, then?
**[14:06] Oso**
Pretty much.
**[14:07] Kara**
This is why you suck, Osomatsu!
**[14:10] Oso**
I'm going to pachinko.
**[14:15] Oso**
I can't understand you!
**[14:17] Oso**
No more noises from you.
No more yelling. Promise.
**[14:21] Kara**
Okay, I won't yell anymore. I promise.
**[14:26] Oso**
You're totally yelling.
**[14:29] Oso**
It's not in there anymore. Karamatsu.
**[14:31] Kara**
I'm scared, I'm scared.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
**[14:34] Oso**
Who are you apologizing to?
**[14:37] Oso**
What am I supposed to do with this?
**[14:39] Kara**
I've had enough! I can't! I'm done with you!
**[14:43] Oso**
I should be done with *you*.
**[14:45] Kara**
Well? Were you able to clean my ear?
**[14:47] Oso**
Not at all.
**[14:48] Kara**
You dumbass! You absolute dumbass!
**[14:51] Oso**
You promised not to make any noise.
**[15:00] Oso**
Yeah, there you go.
**[15:01] Oso**
This is how you clean your ear.
We're making progress.
**[15:06] Kara**
Just be careful... with my eardrum.
**[15:09] Oso**
Huh?
**[15:13] Oso**
What? Does that hurt?
**[15:15] Kara**
No, it feels nice.
**[15:17] Oso**
Oh, okay.
**[15:18] Oso**
Huh? There's something huge in there.
**[15:21] Oso**
Want me to get it?
**[15:22] Kara**
Yeah, get it. I wanna feel relief.
**[15:24] Kara**
Just be careful of my eardrum.
**[15:26] Oso**
What's an eardrum?
**[15:27] Kara**
What?!
**[15:31] Oso**
Tell me if it hurts.
**[15:33] Kara**
I'm fine. That feels good.
**[15:36] Oso**
Should I get it?
**[15:37] Kara**
Yeah.
**[15:38] Oso**
Here I go.
**[15:39] Kara**
Okay.
**[15:40] Oso**
There we go.
**[15:50] Kara**
Man, that felt great!
**[15:53] Kara**
Huh? Did you do something?
**[15:58] Oso**
Nope. Nothing.
**[15:59] Kara**
That felt great. Thank you!
**[16:02] Kara**
One more time.
**[16:03] Oso**
Huh? We're doing this again?
**[16:05] Kara**
Come on, just do it.
**[16:07] Kara**
Go on.
**[16:10] Kara**
That feels nice. Yeah, right there.
**[16:13] Kara**
Pick out the thing you're hitting, Osomatsu.
**[16:16] Oso**
You want it out?
**[16:17] Kara**
Yeah.
**[16:18] Oso**
Are you sure?
**[16:19] Kara**
Yes!
**[16:20] Oso**
You got it.
**[16:23] Kara**
Man, that felt great!
**[16:27] Kara**
Did you do something?
**[16:28] Oso**
Nope. Nothing.
**[16:29] Kara**
That's weird. I only remember
part of this happening.
**[16:32] Kara**
Well, whatever. One more time.
**[16:34] Oso**
Isn't that enough?!
**[16:36] Oso**
Weren't you scared of ear cleaning?
**[16:38] Kara**
I'm over it now. Weird, huh?
**[16:40] Oso**
Uh...
**[16:41] Kara**
Just do it.
**[16:44] Kara**
Yeah! Right there! That's the
motherload! Osomatsu! Go for it!
**[16:48] Oso**
Want me to get it?
**[16:49] Kara**
Go for it!
**[16:49] Oso**
Okay, I'm going.
**[16:50] Kara**
Get it!
**[16:54] Oso**
It all came out!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Akatsuka Hospital
***SIGN*** "Persimmons"
***SIGN*** Hatabou
**[17:16] Dekapan**
How are you feeling?
**[17:19] Dekapan**
Make sure you eat and move around lots
so you can get better soon.
**[17:26] Hata**
I'm going to die, jo.
**[17:28] Hata**
I can tell, jo.
**[17:30] Hata**
I'm not going to make it.
**[17:32] Hata**
There's no hope for me, jo.
**[17:34] Deka**
What are you talking about?
You're gonna make it!
**[17:37] Deka**
You need to keep trying! Don't give up!
**[17:43] Hata**
Another one fell, jo.
**[17:46] Hata**
Once all those persimmons fall,
**[17:50] Hata**
I'll probably die, too, jo.
**[17:55] Hata**
Another one fell, jo.
**[17:58] Deka**
You can't stay stuff like that.
**[18:00] Deka**
I'm going to make sure you
get better, no matter what.
**[18:03] Deka**
So no looking at those anymore.
**[18:16] Deka**
What's all that ruckus?
**[18:17] Ichi**
Shut your mouth, you quack!
**[18:20] jyushi**
Cure me, damn it!
**[18:22] Kara**
Don't kick your patients!
**[18:25] Deka**
What in the world is going on?!
This is a hospital!
**[18:27] Ichi**
You jerk! What's the big idea,
hiring this quack?!
**[18:30] Jyushi**
He fell asleep during an operation!
**[18:33] Iyami**
Well, me was tired.
**[18:34] Kara**
He's always listening to the
horse races with earphones, too!
**[18:37] Iyami**
Well, me has a lot on the line.
**[18:39] Ichi**
He renders medical diagnoses with graffiti!
***SIGN*** You Have
Cancer
**[18:42] Iyami**
They're easy to understand!
**[18:43] Ichi**
He keeps killing one patient after another!
***SIGN*** Be quiet in the hallway
**[18:46] Jyushi**
What do you think our lives are?!
**[18:48] Iyami**
Well, you're all going to die, anyway.
**[18:50] Iyami**
Do you all really want to live that long?
**[18:53] Iyami**
What for? What's the point
of living so long?
**[18:57] Iyami**
Me could care less if you all live or die!
**[19:02] Iyami**
Just croak already!
***SIGN*** Be quiet in the hallway
**[19:04] Ichi**
Cure me!
**[19:05] Iyami**
Die!
**[19:06] Jyushi**
Cure me!
**[19:07] Iyami**
Die!
***SIGN*** Consultation Room
**[19:10] Deka**
And you call yourself a doctor?!
**[19:13] Deka**
We've lost 80 patients since
you came to this hospital!
**[19:19] Iyami**
Me is shooting for a cool million!
**[19:21] Iyami**
Let's see...
**[19:23] Iyami**
Yeah, this one's a goner.
**[19:25] Iyami**
No hope for this one.
**[19:27] Iyami**
Give it three days.
**[19:28] Iyami**
Five seconds here.
**[19:30] Iyami**
What a pain.
**[19:32] Iyami**
They're all going to die!
**[19:37] Deka**
You're fired!
**[19:50] Iyami**
Hey, you.
***SIGN*** Hatabou
**[19:52] Iyami**
You haven't croaked yet?
**[19:56] Iyami**
What is it?
**[19:59] Hata**
There's only one left, jo.
**[20:03] Hata**
When that last one falls to the ground...
**[20:07] Hata**
I'm going to die, too, jo.
**[20:15] Iyami**
Me will speed up the process!
***SIGN*** Hatabou
**[20:19] Hata**
Stop, jo!
**[20:20] Iyami**
Guess this is goodbye for you!
**[20:24] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[20:30] Iyami**
Sheh, sheh, sheh, sheh, sheh!
***SIGN*** Hatabou
**[20:33] Hata**
Don't!
**[20:33] Iyami**
Sheh, sheh, sheh, sheh, sheh!
**[20:53] Iyami**
Me is going to make it drop, no matter what.
**[21:02] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
***SIGN*** Hatabou
**[21:07] Iyami**
Take that! And that! And that!
**[21:09] Iyami**
Fall!
**[21:11] Iyami**
Fall down!
**[21:15] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[21:18] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[21:22] Iyami**
Sheh! Sheh! Sheh!
**[21:24] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[21:26] Iyami**
Sheh, sheh, sheh, sheh, sheh!
**[21:31] Iyami**
Sheh, sheh, sheh, sheh, sheh!
**[21:41] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
***SIGN*** Hatabou
**[21:51] Deka**
What is it?
**[21:55] Hata**
Doctor... I'm not going to give up, jo.
***SIGN*** Hatabou
**[21:58] Hata**
I'm going to keep fighting
until the end, jo!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[23:40] Choro**
Choromatsu here.
**[23:41] Choro**
Next week on *Mr. Osomatsu*,
we have "Totoderella."
**[23:44] Choro**
Yes. This is the story about Totoko-chan
that the world's been waiting for.
**[23:48] Choro**
You there, who didn't share that sentiment.
***SIGN*** "Totoderella" etc.
**[23:51] Choro**
Too bad. You've been sentenced to death.
# E21 - Totoderella
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/G14U4351Z/totoderella)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
***SIGN*** "Is This Okay?"
**[00:08] Choro**
Is this okay?
**[00:10] Choro**
I'm a bit worried.
**[00:12] Ichi**
Huh? About what?
**[00:14] Choro**
When you're eating in, is it okay
to stay however long you want?
**[00:18] Choro**
I'm worried we're being
a burden to the staff.
**[00:22] Choro**
Is this okay?
**[00:24] Ichi**
I get that. I've been wondering myself.
**[00:27] Ichi**
Anyone would worry about that, right?
**[00:29] Choro**
Yeah, I think it's normal.
**[00:31] Ichi**
Nice. I knew I liked something about you.
**[00:34] Choro**
Really? Thanks.
**[00:36] Choro**
I think it's great that you worry
about stuff like this, too.
**[00:39] Ichi**
Thanks.
***SIGN*** Please do not sit here for too long *It inconveniences the other customers.
**[00:40] Choro**
Now, this is the confusing part.
**[00:42] Choro**
"Please do not sit here for too long."
But how long is too long?
**[00:48] Ichi**
No idea. It's really hard to say.
**[00:50] Choro**
We have nothing to do with our lives,
**[00:52] Choro**
so our sense of time is completely
different from normal people's.
**[00:55] Ichi**
We live by a different clock.
**[00:57] Choro**
We could easily kill time for, like,
ten hours. I've done it lots of times.
**[01:02] Ichi**
"Too long" for us would get pretty crazy.
***SIGN*** Self Discovery
***SIGN*** Live Free
***SIGN*** Do This and
Your Life Will
Change Forever
**[01:05] Choro**
I wonder how long is okay.
**[01:07] Ichi**
No idea.
**[01:09] Choro**
Well, we should probably leave soon, anyway.
**[01:11] Ichi**
Yeah. We don't want to
burden them, so let's leave.
**[01:15] Choro**
Oh, shit! An employee's coming this way!
**[01:16] Ichi**
Huh?!
**[01:18] Choro**
*Are we in trouble?*
**[01:19] Ichi**
*Will we be okay?*
**[01:20] Choro**
*He's gonna say something to us!*
***SIGN*** Please do not sit here for too long *It inconveniences the other customers.
**[01:22] Ichi**
*He's gonna yell at us!*
**[01:36] Choro**
Man, that was close!
**[01:38] Ichi**
Dude, I thought he was gonna kill us!
**[01:41] Choro**
We should probably leave
before they do kill us.
**[01:43] Ichi**
Yeah, let's leave.
**[01:46] Choro**
Ichimatsu, what's that?
Did you actually buy that?
***SIGN*** Snakey Star Ramen
***SIGN*** Nori Salt Flavor
**[01:49] Ichi**
Well, yeah.
**[01:51] Choro**
Good job! I bought something, too.
***SIGN*** Porky
***SIGN*** Sauce- Flavor
**[01:53] ichi**
Really? Good job.
**[01:55] Choro**
I do feel bad, since it's only 30 yen.
**[01:57] Ichi**
Nah, the value of money for us is
totally different from everyone else's.
**[02:02] Ichi**
Thirty yen is pretty spendy.
**[02:04] Choro**
It definitely puts a dent in our wallets.
**[02:06] Choro**
So I'm hoping the employees don't judge
us by how much the items we buy cost,
**[02:11] Choro**
but instead consider how much of a dent
we're making in our life savings here.
**[02:16] Ichi**
Have mercy on us.
**[02:17] Choro**
Please forgive us.
**[02:20] Choro**
Someone's coming again!
**[02:22] Choro**
*I'm sorry!*
**[02:23] Ichi**
*I'm sorry!*
**[02:24] Choro**
*Forgive us!*
**[02:25] Ichi**
*Forgive us!*
**[02:26] Both**
*Please don't yell at us!*
**[02:35] Choro**
Holy shit, we're saved.
**[02:38] Ichi**
They didn't kill us...
**[02:40] Choro**
That's our limit, though. Let's go.
**[02:42] Ichi**
Yeah. We're definitely burdening them.
**[02:44] Both**
Okay, let's leave.
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** "Greenroom"
***SIGN*** K Pro Comedy AI Show
Matsumusha
**[04:33] Salmon**
Do we need to fix anything else?
Should we use our family restaurant bit?
**[04:37] Plum**
I'll tell you one part that's bugging me.
**[04:39] Salmon**
Okay.
**[04:40] Plum**
So, about the intro...
**[04:42] Salmon**
Yeah?
**[04:45] All**
Good morning!
**[04:48] Salmon**
Huh?!
**[04:50] Salmon**
*IyaChibi-san? Why are they here?*
**[04:52] Salmon**
*Were they on today?*
**[04:54] Plum**
*W-Were they listed?*
**[04:56] Salmon**
*No... So why are they here?*
**[04:59] Plum**
* They must've come to see*
* the newer acts perform.*
**[05:01] Salmon**
*For real? Why, though?*
**[05:03] Plum**
*This is going to take up so much time...*
**[05:07] Iyami**
Heya.
**[05:08] Chibi**
Heya.
**[05:10] Both**
Good morning.
**[05:12] Salmon**
Ow, ow! Hey, please stop that!
**[05:17] Ume**
That tickles! Please stop!
**[05:20] Shake**
*Why is this happening?*
**[05:21] Ume**
*This sucks!*
**[05:25] Chibi**
How're things lately?
**[05:26] Chibi**
Staying busy?
**[05:28] Shake**
No, not at all.
**[05:29] Iyami**
You guys are popular.
**[05:31] Ume**
We're really not.
**[05:32] Chibi**
You're winning all the auditions, aren't ya?
**[05:34] Shake**
Where'd you hear that from?
**[05:36] Iyami**
Your bit today was good.
Are you gonna do that one at A-1?
**[05:40] Both**
Yes.
**[05:41] Iyami**
You're likely to make it...
**[05:44] Iyami**
to the semifinals.
**[05:46] Both**
Semifinals? No, no, no!
**[05:48] Chibi**
Not only that, but you could...
**[05:51] Chibi**
make it to the finals!
**[05:52] Both**
The finals?! No, no, no!
**[05:54] Iyami**
Winners of the A-1!
**[05:56] Chibi**
Congrats!
**[05:59] Shake**
* There it is. Complimenting their juniors*
* just to make them uncomfortable.*
**[06:02] Ume**
* And passive-aggressively trying to*
* prove they have nothing to fear.*
**[06:06] Iyami**
Go on. Have a seat...
**[06:07] Both**
...champions!
**[06:11] Chibi**
Oh, yeah.
**[06:13] Chibi**
The other day, I was walking by the station,
**[06:16] Chibi**
and it started pouring outta nowhere.
**[06:18] Both**
Yes?
**[06:18] Chibi**
It was super sudden and, like,
I didn't have an umbrella, right?
**[06:23] ---**
Right, right.
**[06:24] Both**
Oh, really?
**[06:29] Both**
Oh, really?
**[06:31] Both**
Oh, really?
**[06:33] Both**
Really?
**[06:35] Both**
Oh, really?
**[06:38] Shake**
*What the hell is he talking about?*
**[06:41] Ume**
*He's talking so long about nothing.*
**[06:43] Ume**
*Where's he going with this?*
**[06:46] Ume**
* I seriously can't tell.*
* It's a pain to even listen.*
**[06:48] Shake**
*He's just wasting our time.*
**[06:49] Ume**
* But they're our seniors, so we have*
* to at least pretend we're listening.*
**[06:53] Shake**
* But the more interested we seem,*
* the longer they'll drag it out.*
**[06:58] Iyami**
And the one who was there
**[06:59] Iyami**
just happened to be that old lady.
**[07:01] Chibi**
Why the hell?
**[07:04] Iyami**
Funny, right?
**[07:06] Chibi**
And then, would you believe it?
**[07:08] Chibi**
It broke.
**[07:10] Iyami**
Insane, right?
**[07:14] Iyami**
And then...
**[07:15] Both**
*When should we make a break for it?*
**[07:18] Iyami**
We've got a present for you guys today.
**[07:20] Iyami**
I'm sure you guys are broke, right?
**[07:23] Iyami**
Here. You can have these.
**[07:27] Shake**
Thank you.
**[07:28] Ume**
*He's not a bad guy.*
**[07:30] Shake**
*Or a bad senior.*
**[07:32] Both**
*But...*
**[07:35] Ume**
*These are so old, we won't be able to use them.*
**[07:38] Shake**
*I'm sure his intentions are good...*
**[07:41] Shake**
* But it's not like we can throw*
* these away. It's just a burden.*
**[07:48] Chibi**
So, are you guys free after this?
**[07:50] Both**
Huh?
**[07:53] Ume**
*Crap! The moment we were dreading!*
**[07:55] Shake**
*It's do-or-die time!*
**[07:57] Shake**
Actually, we've got something planned...
**[07:59] Ume**
Yeah, we're a bit busy.
**[08:01] Chibi**
So you're free?
**[08:03] Chibi**
Your schedule's clear, right?
**[08:04] Chibi**
You're free, right?
**[08:06] Shake**
* Could you tell us what awaits*
* us if we say we're free?*
**[08:11] Ume**
* Could you not force us into things without*
* telling us what we're getting into?*
**[08:16] Chibi**
So you see...
**[08:17] Ume**
*You're inviting us to eat, aren't you?*
**[08:19] Chibi**
You see...
**[08:20] Shake**
*Yup, it's food.*
**[08:23] Ume**
*It's food.*
**[08:24] Shake**
*It's definitely food.*
**[08:26] Chibi**
How about we go grab
a bite to eat after this?
**[08:28] Both**
*I knew it!*
**[08:29] Ume**
* He makes it sound super serious to*
* make it even harder for us to decline,*
**[08:33] Ume**
* and then just tells us he's*
* inviting us out for food.*
**[08:36] Iyami**
We can eat wherever you guys want.
**[08:38] Both**
Thank you very much.
**[08:39] Ume**
*Thanks, I guess...*
**[08:41] Shake**
*Thanks, I guess...*
***SIGN*** The Cheapest
Pub in Town
***SIGN*** Goukyuu Store #3
**[08:43] Ume**
* They always take us to*
* the cheapest place possible.*
**[08:47] Shake**
* The food sucks, and the*
* alcohol they have is gross.*
**[08:49] Ume**
*We can't relax because of who we're with.*
**[08:51] Shake**
*We can't let down our guard at all.*
**[08:53] Ume**
*Sometimes they lecture us.*
**[08:55] Shake**
*We can't go home, even if we're tired.*
**[08:56] Ume**
*We're grateful...*
**[08:58] Both**
*But it's also sort of just hell.*
**[09:01] Shake**
* Please don't worry about*
* us if it's too expensive.*
**[09:03] Ume**
*We can afford to come here on our own.*
**[09:09] Robot**
Hey, it's IyaChibi-san.
**[09:11] Robot**
What's up? Are you guys bored?
**[09:15] Ume**
*Crap! An air-headed newbie just showed up!*
**[09:17] Robot**
Man, your bit the other day sucked!
Are you guys gonna make it in the A-1?
**[09:23] Iya**
Hey, come on, now.
**[09:24] Chibi**
Don't be so rude to your seniors.
**[09:28] Ume**
*You could get mad at him...*
**[09:30] Robot**
You need to work harder, IyaChibi!
**[09:34] Iyami**
Remember, we've been around
longer than you have.
**[09:38] Shake**
*You could just get pissed off...*
**[09:39] Ume**
* You need to get mad!*
* He's just mocking you!*
**[09:43] Rob**
Sorry, IyaChibi-san. Was that okay?
**[09:46] Iyami**
Huh? What do you mean?
**[09:48] Chibi**
We're totally fine.
**[09:49] Shake**
*No way. We saw you get angry for a second.*
**[09:52] Robot**
Hey, what's this?
**[09:54] Robot**
Hmm... Don't need it!
**[09:58] Iyami**
You idiot.
**[09:59] Chibi**
Cut it out already.
**[10:01] Shake**
*You're way too nice!*
**[10:03] Ume**
* Being nice and being popular*
* don't coincide here.*
**[10:06] Both**
*There's no hope.*
**[10:08] Some**
Riceballs.
**[10:11] Both**
Basshy-san!
**[10:13] Ume**
*The pro emcee everyone looks up to.*
**[10:15] Shake**
*He's already on tons of TV shows.*
**[10:18] Basshy**
You guys free after this?
Wanna grab a light meal?
**[10:22] Both**
*Yes, please!*
**[10:24] Shake**
* We really, really want to*
* go drinking with you!*
**[10:26] Ume**
* We should totally hang out with them if*
* we want to get anywhere in this business.*
**[10:29] Shake**
*But IyaChibi-san already invited us.*
**[10:32] Ume**
* But we'd have a better chance*
* to make it with them...*
**[10:39] Ume**
* They always disappear into the shadows*
* when a popular junior shows up.*
**[10:43] Rando**
Guys!
**[10:45] Rando**
The results for the first round of
the A-1 Grand Prix are already out!
**[10:48] All**
For real?!
**[10:51] Ume**
Well? Are we listed?
**[10:55] Shake**
We are!
***SIGN*** Riceballs (Free)
**[10:56] Shake**
We got through the first round!
**[10:59] Ume**
That's awesome!
**[11:00] Both**
Yay!
**[11:03] Ume**
Wait.
***SIGN*** Jerry
**[11:13] Ume**
*G-Guess they aren't on the list.*
**[11:15] Shake**
*They were eliminated.*
**[11:17] Robot**
Well, the first round is easy-peasy.
Of course we got through.
**[11:25] Shake**
* Nice seniors like you need*
* to get popular already.*
**[11:27] Ume**
*We're the ones who suffer if you don't!*
**[11:38] Chiba**
Well...
**[11:39] Iyami**
Let's go get some food.
**[11:43] Both**
Like we could!
***SIGN*** End
**[11:50] Nar**
Once upon a time, there was
a very straightforward maid
**[11:54] Nar**
who could only say exactly
what she was thinking.
***SIGN*** "Totoderella"
**[12:00] Choro**
Totoderella!
**[12:02] Todo**
Totoderella!
**[12:03] Toto**
Here!
**[12:04] Choro**
Totoderella!
**[12:06] Choro**
Took you long enough!
**[12:07] Todo**
You're useless! What is this breakfast?
**[12:10] Choro**
It's too hard!
**[12:11] Todo**
It's cold!
**[12:12] Choro**
It tastes awful!
**[12:14] Todo**
You're not cute at all!
**[12:16] Choro**
Are you listening?! Say something!
**[12:20] Toto**
God, you two are ugly.
**[12:30] Toto**
What did you just say?!
Who do you think you are?!
**[12:34] Oso**
What's all this fuss about?
**[12:36] Both**
Mother!
**[12:40] Choro**
Totoderella's so mean to us!
**[12:41] Todo**
She's just awful!
**[12:43] Oso**
Totoderella! What did you do to
my adorable little daughters?
**[12:46] Oso**
Don't make me kick you out! Say something!
**[12:49] Toto**
God, you're ugly.
**[13:02] Oso**
Get all this laundry done today.
**[13:05] Oso**
Got it?
**[13:23] Choro**
Totoderella, what do you think you're doing?
**[13:25] Toto**
The laundry.
**[13:26] todo**
Is that how you wash it?!
**[13:28] Toto**
Oh, my goodness! How could I?
**[13:31] Toto**
But I just couldn't get
motivated to do this.
**[13:33] Toto**
I mean, no matter how clean I get them,
**[13:35] Toto**
if you uggos are the ones wearing them...
**[13:49] Todo**
Wash them properly!
**[13:50] Toto**
Okay, I will.
**[13:51] Todo**
I need to look beautiful in them.
**[13:53] Toto**
Okay.
**[13:55] Todo**
Totoderella!
**[13:58] Toto**
Become beautiful! Become beautiful!
**[13:58] Todo**
Stop!
**[13:59] Choro**
Someone help!
**[14:02] Oso**
Oh, my!
**[14:04] Both**
What's the matter, Mother?
**[14:05] Oso**
This says there's a ball at the castle today.
**[14:08] Both**
A ball?
**[14:09] Oso**
The prince will be looking
for his future bride there.
**[14:15] Choro**
The prince is looking for me!
**[14:17] Todo**
He's looking for me!
**[14:19] Choro**
I'm right here! Come find me!
**[14:21] Todo**
Eat me up!
**[14:32] Choro**
See?
**[14:34] Todo**
I look beautiful, don't I?
**[14:36] Toto**
Wow.. Just wow.
**[14:38] Choro**
Just so you know, Totoderella,
you're not allowed to come to the ball.
**[14:42] Todo**
You get to stay home.
**[14:43] Choro**
Stupid.
**[14:44] Todo**
Moron.
**[14:49] Toto**
I wonder if they ended up ugly on the inside
because they're so ugly on the outside, too.
**[14:53] Toto**
Or did they end up so ugly on the outside
because they're so ugly on the inside?
**[14:58] Toto**
I wonder where the ugly starts.
I have no idea.
**[15:02] Toto**
A ball... I sort of wish I could go.
**[15:06] Toto**
Well, whatever.
**[15:10] Toto**
Wh-Who are you?
**[15:12] Jyushi**
Your Fairy Godmatsu.
**[15:14] Toto**
Fairy Godmatsu?
**[15:15] Jyushi**
My poor little Totoderella.
**[15:17] Jyushi**
You must really want to go to that ball.
**[15:20] Toto**
Huh? Not really...
**[15:21] Jyushi**
I shall grant that wish for you!
**[15:24] Jyushi**
Let's go! Bibidi Babidi Jyu!
**[15:34] Jyushi**
Bibidi Babidi Shi!
**[15:40] Jyushi**
Bibidi Jyu! Bibidi Shi!
**[15:42] Jyushi**
Jyu! Shi! Jyushi!
**[15:48] Jyu**
There you go. You can go to the
ball now! You must be so happy.
**[15:52] Jyu**
Now, run along.
**[15:56] Jyushi**
What's the matter, Totoderella?
**[15:58] Toto**
A carriage, huh? Those shake a lot,
don't they? And they're pretty slow.
**[16:02] Jyushi**
You're complaining? Seriously?
**[16:04] Toto**
Could I get a taxi instead?
**[16:06] Jyushi**
A taxi?
**[16:07] Toto**
They look like this. Do you
know what I'm talking about?
**[16:09] Toto**
They're about this big.
**[16:12] Jyushi**
I mean, yeah. And they're super
spacious and comfy inside.
**[16:15] Toto**
I'm not sure how I feel about it
being a former pumpkin, either.
**[16:18] Toto**
And that horse and that
person used to be mice.
**[16:21] Toto**
I mean, thanks, I guess...
but what if you were in my shoes?
**[16:25] Toto**
Wouldn't it bug you that they were
a former pumpkin and former mice?
**[16:29] Toto**
And this dress is just so... expected.
Could I get a different design?
**[16:34] Jyushi**
What? You want a different dress?
**[16:36] Toto**
Yes.
**[16:39] Jyushi**
Bibidi Babidi Jyu!
**[16:41] Toto**
Hmm...
**[16:43] Jyushi**
Bibidi Babidi Jyu!
**[16:45] Toto**
Nah...
**[16:46] Jyushi**
Bibidi Babidi Jyu!
**[16:48] Toto**
Get a clue!
**[16:49] Jyushi**
Bibidi Jyu!
**[16:51] Jyushi**
Bibidi Shi!
**[16:52] Jyushi**
Jyu! Shi!
**[16:54] Jyushi**
Jyushi! Jyushi!
**[16:58] Jyushi**
I-I used up so much magic...
it took years off my life!
**[17:03] Toto**
That's enough, Fairy Godmatsu.
Thanks. I'll figure it out.
**[17:25] Girl**
What in the world? What's she doing here?
**[17:28] Girl**
She has some nerve coming
here looking like that.
**[17:32] Toto**
Wow! It's a zoo full of uggos! Score!
**[17:36] Oso**
Totoderella!
**[17:38] Choro**
What are you doing?!
**[17:39] Todo**
Go home!
**[17:46] Deka**
Prince, you need to choose
a bride from that lot.
**[17:49] Nya**
What?!
**[17:52] Nya**
F-From these?
**[17:55] Dayon**
Did you find anyone to your liking?
**[17:58] Nya**
Yikes, I dunno...
**[18:02] Nya**
Who's that?
**[18:06] Nya**
Stop that!
**[18:08] All**
P-Prince Nyaa!
**[18:10] Nya**
Are you all right?
**[18:12] Toto**
What do you mean?
**[18:14] Nya**
What's your name?
**[18:15] Toto**
What's yours?
**[18:17] Nya**
I'm the prince of this kingdom, Prince Nyaa.
**[18:20] Toto**
I'm Totoderella.
**[18:21] Nya**
You have a very lovely face.
**[18:23] Toto**
I know.
**[18:24] Nya**
You're beautiful.
**[18:25] Toto**
I know.
**[18:26] Nya**
You're nothing like those commoners.
**[18:28] Toto**
I know.
**[18:29] Nya**
May I have this dance?
**[18:30] Toto**
Sure, I guess.
**[18:52] Deka**
Looks like he found his bride.
**[18:54] Dayon**
Thank goodness!
**[18:55] Choro**
I'm so mad!
**[18:57] Todo**
I'm so pissed!
**[18:59] Oso**
Stop that, you two!
**[19:04] Nya**
Now, let's go.
**[19:06] Toto**
Huh? W-Wait a sec.
**[19:08] Nya**
What's the matter?
**[19:09] Toto**
Don't give me that.
**[19:11] Toto**
Where are you dragging me off to?
Seriously, what's your deal?
**[19:14] Toto**
It's been bugging me that you think
I should be happy about all this.
**[19:20] Nya**
But... I'm a prince, and I took a liking to you.
**[19:23] Nya**
Because you're not like these other uggos.
**[19:27] Toto**
Should you really be calling them uggos?
**[19:31] Toto**
I mean, they're all here because
you invited them, right?
**[19:33] Toto**
And you have the nerve to
call them uggos? Really?
**[19:36] Toto**
Are you stupid or something?
**[19:38] Oso**
T-Totoderella!
**[19:40] Toto**
What even is a ball, anyway?
**[19:42] Toto**
You gathered all these people
here to... what? Show off?
**[19:45] Toto**
Like, "Look how awesome I am!"
**[19:47] Toto**
God, you're lame. Compensating much?
**[19:49] Both**
Totoderella?!
**[19:50] Toto**
A moron calls and the uggos come running!
**[19:54] Toto**
Is this kingdom really okay?!
**[19:57] Deka**
Th-That's very rude!
**[19:59] Dayon**
Seize her!
**[20:10] Toto**
Don't get the wrong idea.
**[20:12] Toto**
I'm the one who's going
to choose here. And you...
**[20:16] Toto**
are on the side to get chosen!
**[20:22] Toto**
Yup, keep it coming. I need to see
just how loaded you are as a prince.
**[20:29] Toto**
Yup, yup.
**[20:30] Toto**
Yup, yup.
**[20:32] Toto**
Yup, yup.
**[20:35] Toto**
Wow! I guess you really are a prince.
**[20:40] Toto**
Not bad!
**[20:42] Nya**
Well, Totoderella?
**[20:44] Nya**
Will you accept me now?
**[20:45] Toto**
Yes! You're wonderful!
**[20:48] Nya**
Let's go, then.
**[20:50] Toto**
Okay!
**[21:01] Toto**
Oh, it's 8 PM. I have to go home.
**[21:03] All**
What?!
**[21:04] Nya**
You're going home at 8 PM?
Isn't it a bit early?
**[21:06] Toto**
Well, I've got my skincare routine.
**[21:08] Toto**
What? You were just about to say
that my skin is always flawless?
**[21:12] Toto**
Why, thank you.
**[21:14] Toto**
Bye, now.
**[21:15] Toto**
Peace out, scrubs. I'm gonna use
this money to create a new kingdom!
**[21:20] Toto**
Later!
**[21:21] Deka**
She ran!
**[21:22] Dayon**
Seize her!
**[21:26] All**
Totoderella!
**[21:42] Toto**
Oh, well.
**[21:43] Deka**
Hold it!
**[21:47] Toto**
You'll never catch me!
**[21:58] Nya**
Damn it!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[23:35] Ichi**
Ichimatsu here.
**[23:37] Ichi**
Next time on *Mr. Osomatsu*,
we have "Hide-and-Seek."
**[23:39] Ichi**
We're not talking about the hide-and-seek
where you want to hide IRL
**[23:45] Ichi**
and be at least a little visible online.
**[23:47] Ichi**
We're talking about adults going
all-out playing hide-and-seek.
***SIGN*** "Hide-and-Seek" etc.
**[23:50] Ichi**
That itself is a pain.
**[23:52] Ichi**
Tune in and shit.
# E22 - Hide-and-Seek
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/GJWU2MK0P/hide-and-seek)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
***SIGN*** "I Found This"
**[00:13] Kara**
Everybody, thank you! Perfect guy!
**[00:16] Jyushi**
Karamatsu-niisan.
**[00:18] Kara**
Oh, Brother! What's the matter?
**[00:21] Jyushi**
I found a 100-yen coin.
**[00:22] Kara**
Wow!
**[00:23] Jyushi**
What do you think I should do with it?
**[00:26] Kara**
Hm? Whatever do you mean?
**[00:29] Jyushi**
I mean, I know I found it, but...
**[00:33] Jyushi**
Is it okay if I, like... h-have it now?
***SIGN*** Reiwa Year 2
**[00:41] Kara**
Jyushimatsu!
**[00:43] Kara**
Whenever you find a lost item, you take
it to a police box. That's common sense.
**[00:49] Jyushi**
Oh, right... Of course.
**[00:51] Kara**
At least, that's what a
normie-sized guy would say.
**[00:54] Jyushi**
Huh?
**[00:55] Kara**
Things are different when
you're a guy my size.
**[00:58] Kara**
Rather than worrying about the duty
of taking it to the police box,
**[01:00] Kara**
it's more important to think
of the ones involved here.
**[01:04] Kara**
Jyushimatsu. Whose feelings should
you prioritize in this situation?
***SIGN*** Japan
**[01:10] Jyushi**
The person who dropped
this 100-yen coin, right?
**[01:13] Jyushi**
They must be struggling!
**[01:15] Jyushi**
Okay, I'll take it to the police box.
**[01:17] Kara**
That's what a normie-sized guy would say.
**[01:20] Jyushi**
Huh?
**[01:21] Kara**
When you're a navy-sized guy like
myself, it doesn't roll like that.
**[01:24] Jyushi**
A navy what?
**[01:25] Kara**
The one you should think about
the most right now, Jyushimatsu...
**[01:32] Kara**
is this 100-yen coin and how it feels!
**[01:37] Kara**
This poor thing was dropped by its owner.
**[01:40] Kara**
Can you imagine the loneliness...
the anguish it must've felt?!
**[01:42] Kara**
And you were the one who
found it, Jyushimatsu!
**[01:47] Kara**
With your gentle hands!
**[01:50] Kara**
The world may look down on you,
but this is how I feel!
**[01:54] Kara**
Putting this in your gentle
hands, since you found it,
**[01:58] Kara**
is also... a form of love!
**[02:05] Jyushi**
Th-Thanks, Karamatsu-niisan!
**[02:08] Kara**
Don't mention it.
**[02:12] Jyushi**
But taking it to the police box is
common sense, so I'll just do that.
***SIGN*** End
**[02:15] Kara**
Wha?!
***SIGN*** Matsuno Jyushimatsu
***SIGN*** Yowai Totoko
***SIGN*** Busujima Dobuko
***SIGN*** Matsuno Todomatsu
***SIGN*** Peace Reigns Over the Land
***SIGN*** Matsuno Ichimatsu
***SIGN*** Matsuno Karamatsu
***SIGN*** Matsuno Choromatsu
***SIGN*** Matsuno Osomatsu
***SIGN*** Wannabe Detectives
**[04:37] Toto**
Hey, give that back!
**[04:53] Oso**
Jyushi.
**[04:54] Jyushi**
'Sup, Oso?
**[04:55] Oso**
Are you even taking our job seriously?
**[04:58] Oso**
You came into work way too late today.
***SIGN*** Gratitude
**[05:00] Jyushi**
Well, well... I guess you
haven't heard, Osoyama-kun.
**[05:04] Jyushi**
You're supposed to arrive a little late
**[05:06] Jyushi**
when you're the star of the show.
**[05:10] Oso**
Oh, good grief.
**[05:13] Jyushi**
More importantly, Oso,
are you sure you're awake?
***SIGN*** Ginseikai Inner Turmoil
**[05:18] Jyushi**
Your paper's upside-down.
**[05:20] Oso**
Even if it wasn't upside-down,
I can't read it anyway.
**[05:25] Jyushi**
Whoo, good grief.
**[05:26] Oso**
Jyushi, you're spilling your coffee.
**[05:29] Jyushi**
It doesn't matter.
**[05:31] Jyushi**
Oso, you've got snot
coming out of your nose.
**[05:32] Oso**
It doeshn't maffer.
**[05:36] Both**
It doesn't matter.
**[05:42] Choro**
What?! Guys, there's a case!
***SIGN*** An incident?
***SIGN*** What?
**[05:47] Oso**
Heh, good grief.
**[05:49] Oso**
Looks like we're up again, Jyushi.
**[05:51] Oso**
If we've got time to nab a criminal,
I'd prefer to nab a cute little lady.
**[05:55] Jyushi**
What can we do, Oso?
**[05:59] Oso**
So what's the sitch?
**[06:00] Sign**
Chief
**[06:01] Oso**
What's the sitch?
**[06:04] Oso**
What's the sitch? What happened?
What're we looking at here?
**[06:09] Oso**
Hey, where're you going? What happened?
What're we looking at?
**[06:12] Oso**
Hey!
**[06:18] Both**
Heh, good grief.
**[06:25] Jyushi**
Heya, Minato 106 here.
**[06:26] Oso**
You're speaking with Dandy Osoyama.
**[06:28] Jyushi**
Hey, Dandy Osoyama. Sexy Jyushita here.
**[06:32] Oso**
Sexy Jyushita, I have
some hot news for you.
**[06:35] Oso**
They never told us what we're dealing with,
so I have no idea where to go.
**[06:40] Jyushi**
Same here.
**[06:41] Oso**
What?
**[06:45] Oso**
That perp bastard.
**[06:47] Jyushi**
They won't get away with this!
**[06:48] Oso**
We're gonna catch them.
**[06:51] Jyushi**
No one's gotten away from us before.
**[06:55] Both**
Other than the ladies.
**[06:58] Jyushi**
Yeah.
**[07:01] Toto**
*Minato 103 here, to all units.*
**[07:03] Toto**
Looks like the perps ran into one
of the warehouses on Akatsuka Wharf.
**[07:06] Toto**
Requesting immediate backup!
***SIGN*** No Smoking
**[07:09] Oso**
Looks like our perps have shown up.
**[07:13] Jyushi**
Like a moth to a flame.
**[07:15] Oso**
Where there's smoke, there's fire.
**[07:17] Jyushi**
Bring the contents to a boil.
**[07:19] Oso**
Shoyu, rayu, I love you.
**[07:21] Jyushi**
"Getsu Getsu Ka Sui Moku Kin Kin."
**[07:23] Oso**
Gondou, Gondou, rain, Gondou.
**[07:25] Jyushi**
Coo, coo, coo, pigeon, coo, coo.
**[07:27] Choro**
*Osoyama and Jyushita!*
**[07:30] Choro**
You two better not come to the scene,
you worthless pieces of shit!
**[07:36] Oso**
The lady doth protest too much.
**[07:38] Jyushi**
Ecchi, sketchy, one touch!
**[07:40] Oso**
Sine, cosine, tangent.
**[07:42] Jyushi**
Guys are about guts.
**[07:43] Oso**
Girls are about cuteness.
**[07:44] Both**
Sing, nightingale, Heian-kyo.
**[07:47] Jyushi**
Let's go!
***SIGN*** No Smoking
**[08:01] Oso**
This must be it.
**[08:02] Jyushi**
Yeah.
**[08:12] Choro**
Great work, everyone!
***SIGN*** Dumbasses!
***SIGN*** Abunai Deka
***SIGN*** Brothers' Fishing Big Haul
***SIGN*** No Smoking
**[09:54] Jyushi**
Oso!
**[09:55] Jyushi**
Oso!
**[09:57] Jyushi**
Hang in there, Oso!
**[09:59] Oso**
H-Hurry... Catch the perp...
**[10:02] Jyushi**
Don't speak. Did you get
knocked in the head? Damn it!
***SIGN*** No Smoking
**[10:06] Oso**
I'm not... going to make it.
**[10:09] Jyushi**
Don't say things like that!
**[10:11] Oso**
Jyushi... I'm glad we were partners.
**[10:18] Oso**
Well, this the first time I've ever
made someone who wasn't a girl cry.
**[10:23] Jyushi**
Oso...
**[10:24] Oso**
Go... Go, Jyushi.
**[10:29] oso**
Guys are about guts.
**[10:31] jyushi**
Girls are about cuteness.
**[10:33] oso**
Sing, nightingale, Heian-kyo.
**[10:39] Jyushi**
Oso!
**[10:43] Jyushi**
Oso!
**[10:57] Oso**
Jyushi!
**[10:58] Oso**
Jyushi, hang in there!
**[11:00] Oso**
Jyushi!
**[11:02] Jyushi**
Oso... I'm glad we were partners.
**[11:07] Jyushi**
Well, this the first time I've ever
made someone who wasn't a girl cry.
**[11:14] Oso**
Jyu... Jyushi!
***SIGN*** No Smoking
**[11:20] Oso**
Bang!
**[11:22] Jyushi**
Oso!
**[11:25] Jyushi**
Oso!
***SIGN*** No Smoking
**[11:31] Oso**
Jyushi!
**[11:34] Oso**
Jyushi!
***SIGN*** No Smoking
**[11:36] Oso**
Jyushi is... Jyushi!
**[11:50] Jyushi**
Dandy!
**[11:51] Oso**
Sexy!
**[11:53] Jyushi**
Dandy!
**[11:55] Oso**
Sexy!
**[11:58] Jyushi**
Oso!
**[11:58] Oso**
Jyushi!
**[11:59] Both**
This is so much fun!
**[12:03] Todo**
How long are you gonna keep this up?!
**[12:05] Choro**
Don't make me fire you!
**[12:07] Both**
It doesn't matter!
**[12:11] Jyushi**
Oso! Hang in there, Oso!
***SIGN*** Die already
**[12:13] Jyushi**
Oso!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** "Hide-and-Seek"
**[12:21] Oso**
All right, jerks.
**[12:23] Oso**
Let's play a little game of hide-and-seek.
**[12:26] All**
Aye.
**[12:27] Choro**
Why are we making this so ominous?
**[12:30] Choro**
Hide-and-seek? But we're adults.
**[12:32] Kara**
The most important thing for us NEETs...
**[12:35] Kara**
is to kill time!
**[12:37] Kara**
But we cannot spend any money!
**[12:40] Kara**
Which leads us to...
**[12:42] All**
Hide-and-seek!
**[12:44] Choro**
Really, though?
**[12:45] Mom**
Let's decide who's it!
**[12:47] Choro**
You're playing, too, Mom?!
**[12:49] All**
Rock, paper, scissors!
**[12:52] All**
One more time!
**[12:54] All**
One more time!
**[12:56] Jyushi**
That settles it!
**[12:58] Mom**
Everyone, hide!
**[13:04] Choro**
One... two... three...
four... five... six...
**[13:11] Choro**
seven... eight... Are you ready?
**[13:15] All**
Not just yet!
**[13:18] Choro**
Are you ready?
**[13:20] All**
We sure are!
**[13:24] Choro**
I'm gonna find all of them if it kills me.
**[13:26] Choro**
Choro-chan's not gonna
lose to the likes of you!
**[13:33] Choro**
Hide, you jackass! It's *hide*-and-seek!
**[13:36] Kara**
My stars! It appears
that I have been found!
**[13:39] Choro**
You came here to be found.
**[13:41] Choro**
Start over, and actually hide this time!
**[13:43] Choro**
This is hide-and-seek!
**[13:44] Kara**
Okay!
**[13:47] Choro**
Are you ready?
**[13:54] Kara**
Looks like you've found me yet again!
**[13:56] Kara**
I'm so overflowing with star
potential that it's impossible
**[13:59] Kara**
for me to hide, even if I try!
**[14:00] Kara**
Matsuno Karamatsu in "Hide-and-Seek."
**[14:03] Kara**
Thank you!
**[14:04] Choro**
Yeah, this isn't for you.
You don't need to join in.
**[14:09] Choro**
Huh?
**[14:10] Choro**
Hide, damn it! This is hide-and-seek!
**[14:12] Todo**
Huh?
**[14:13] Choro**
What are you doing, Totty?
**[14:15] Todo**
I got bored. You guys can
keep playing. Do your best.
**[14:19] Kara**
Hey, Brother!
**[14:21] Kara**
I'm right here! Hurry up and find me!
**[14:24] Choro**
*Hide*, damn it!
**[14:34] Choro**
Never mind. I guess I'll go
after the hardcore players.
**[14:36] Choro**
I'm gonna find them...
**[14:43] ---**
Huh?
**[14:47] Kara**
What's up?
**[14:48] Choro**
I feel a presence.
**[14:51] Todo**
It's probably Ichimatsu-niisan.
**[14:52] Todo**
He can completely conceal his
presence when he wants to.
**[14:56] Choro**
Really? That's not fair.
**[14:58] Kara**
Ichimatsu? Are you here?
**[15:01] Todo**
Ichimatsu-niisan?
**[15:04] Choro**
Ichimatsu?
**[15:07] Kara**
Ichimatsu? Where are you?
**[15:11] Ichi**
*Really? Do they really not notice me?*
**[15:14] Ichi**
*I'm starting to feel sorta sad.*
**[15:16] Ichi**
*Hey! I'm right here!*
**[15:18] Ichi**
*Right here! Here!*
**[15:19] Ichi**
*Ichimatsu is right here!*
**[15:21] Ichi**
*I'm right here! Hey! Hurry up and find me!*
**[15:24] Ichi**
* I love hiding and I'm good at it,*
* but I don't want to actually disappear!*
**[15:29] Ichi**
*Matsuno Ichimatsu is right here!*
**[15:33] Ichi**
*Wait! Find me!*
**[15:35] Ichi**
*Ichimatsu is right here...*
**[15:40] Todo**
Hey, it's Ichimatsu-niisan.
**[15:41] Choro**
Found you!
**[15:42] All**
Yay!
**[15:44] Ichi**
Thank goodness...
**[15:45] All**
Huh?
**[15:46] Ichi**
Thank you all for finding me...
**[15:49] Choro**
What's wrong? Why are you thanking us?
**[15:51] Ichi**
Thanks for finding me. I'm never
playing hide-and-seek again.
**[15:55] Kara**
What's gotten into you? What happened?
**[15:59] Todo**
What's that?
**[16:01] Todo**
It's from Jyushimatsu-niisan.
**[16:05] Todo**
Jyushimatsu-niisan says he's
hiding somewhere over here.
**[16:08] Kara**
Really? He's telling us that much?
**[16:11] Ichi**
He likes hiding, but he wants to
be found. He's like a little kid.
**[16:15] Todo**
Like you can talk.
**[16:17] Choro**
Jeez, where is he?
Let's look for him together.
**[16:20] All**
Yeah, let's all find him together.
**[16:32] Choro**
I have no idea.
**[16:34] Kara**
Jyushimatsu, we give up. Come on out.
**[16:36] Jyushi**
'Kay!
**[16:37] Jyushi**
I was right here!
**[16:38] Choro**
There's no way we'd get that!
**[16:39] Todo**
That's not fair! Give us
back the time we wasted!
**[16:41] Ichi**
Jyushimatsu, one more time.
**[16:43] Jyushi**
'Kay!
**[16:45] Choro**
Let's all look together!
**[16:47] All**
Where's Jyushimatsu?
**[16:53] Ichi**
Is he really here?
**[16:56] Kara**
Where is he?
**[17:00] Todo**
No idea!
**[17:01] Kara**
Jyushimatsu, we give up. Come on out.
**[17:04] Jyushi**
'Kay!
**[17:05] Jyushi**
I was right here!
**[17:06] Choro**
There's no way we'd get that!
**[17:07] Todo**
That's not fair!
**[17:08] Ichi**
Jyushimatsu, one more time.
**[17:10] Ichi**
'Kay.
**[17:20] Jyushi**
I was right here!
**[17:21] Choro**
We can't tell, damn it!
**[17:25] All**
*He's so...*
**[17:30] Ichi**
Jyushimatsu? What's wrong?
**[17:32] Ichi**
He's dead...
**[17:33] Choro**
Wait, you're kidding,
right? Out of nowhere?!
**[17:37] Todo**
That voice... It's Mom!
**[17:39] Mom**
When playing hide-and-seek,
**[17:40] Mom**
it doesn't have to mean the ones
who are hiding are always the hunted!
**[17:45] Mom**
Have a taste of what it
feels like to be hunted!
**[17:49] Kara**
What are you talking about, Mom?!
**[17:50] Ichi**
What it feels like to be hunted?
**[17:58] Kara**
She's definitely here,
**[17:59] Kara**
but we can't see her!
**[18:01] Ichi**
Hey, that's—
**[18:05] Ichi**
Karamatsu! This is bad!
Karamatsu got hunted, too!
**[18:26] Choro**
Take this!
**[18:32] Mom**
Aw, you found me.
**[18:34] Choro**
Yeah, of course. I figured this
was what you were up to.
**[18:39] Ichi**
So Osomatsu is the only one left.
**[18:41] Choro**
Yeah.
**[18:41] Kara**
Well, he wasn't at home.
Where the hell is he hiding?
**[18:45] Jyushi**
Hang on.
**[18:48] Jyushi**
Totty's gone.
**[18:49] All**
What?
***SIGN*** Search for Totty!
**[18:51] Totty**
Search for Totty!
**[18:53] Choro**
Uh, something just popped
up. The hell is this?
***SIGN*** Park
**[19:00] Choro**
The park? Level 5? Huh?
**[19:05] Choro**
So Totty's here somewhere?
**[19:08] Ichi**
I found him.
**[19:09] Kara**
Me, too.
**[19:09] Jyushi**
Me, too!
**[19:12] Choro**
Oh, I got it! There he is!
**[19:14] Choro**
Did you all find him, too?
Let's all call his name!
**[19:17] Choro**
Ready, and...
**[19:19] All**
Totty!
**[19:21] Todo**
Here!
**[19:26] Ichi**
He's really going all-out.
**[19:28] Jyushi**
That's not like him.
***SIGN*** Search for Totty!
**[19:31] Totty**
Search for Totty!
**[19:32] Choro**
We're still doing this?
***SIGN*** Cabbage Patch
**[19:38] Choro**
Cabbage patch, level 40?
**[19:44] All**
That's hard!
**[19:45] kara**
This one's hardcore!
**[19:46] Jyushi**
Wait, where is he?
**[19:51] Choro**
Ready, and...
**[19:52] All**
Totty!
**[19:56] Todo**
Here!
**[20:01] Ichi**
Man, Totty's giving it his all this time.
**[20:04] Jyushi**
Thanks, Totty.
***SIGN*** Search for Totty!
**[20:06] Totty**
Search for Totty!
**[20:08] Choro**
That's enough. It's a pain in the ass
to keep going to different locations.
***SIGN*** Mt. Takao
**[20:16] Choro**
Mt. Takao?!
**[20:17] All**
What?!
***SIGN*** Lifts
**[20:28] All**
Totty!
**[20:31] Sign**
Lifts
**[20:31] Totty**
Hey! Totty!
***SIGN*** Totty!
**[20:34] All**
Right.
**[20:35] Ichi**
I'm beat. Let's go home.
**[20:37] Todo**
Wait!
**[20:38] Todo**
We forgot about Osomatsu-niisan.
**[20:40] Choro**
Where the hell is he hiding?
**[20:42] Todo**
I guess he's at the horse races.
**[20:44] All**
The horse races?
**[20:46] Choro**
What?!
**[20:48] Choro**
The hell?! He's somewhere in here?
**[20:50] Kara**
How did he prep this?
**[20:57] Ichi**
Where is he?
**[20:58] Jyushi**
Where?!
**[20:59] Todo**
How many people are here, anyway?
**[21:02] Kara**
I hear there's about 300.
**[21:03] Todo**
That many?! Wow, who drew all these people?
**[21:06] Choro**
Wait. Don't saw "drew."
**[21:08] Jyushi**
Apparently, they offered ******
compared to the usual key art rate.
**[21:11] All**
Wow...
**[21:13] Todo**
Man, animators have it rough.
Seriously, thanks for everything you do.
**[21:17] All**
Thanks, guys!
**[21:19] Ichi**
But what about the people watching
this on their smartphones?
**[21:23] Ichi**
This would be even tinier.
**[21:25] Jyushi**
True.
**[21:25] Choro**
Make sure you don't strain
your eyes, everyone.
**[21:28] Ichi**
Who the hell cares if we
find Osomatsu or not?
**[21:30] Kara**
Yeah, who cares? Your eyes
are far more important!
**[21:34] Oso**
I'm right here!
**[21:35] Jyushi**
Hey, I hear him.
**[21:36] Choro**
Where are you?
**[21:38] Oso**
Right here!
**[21:39] All**
Where?
**[21:40] Oso**
Hurry up and find me.
**[21:41] All**
What a pain in the ass!
**[21:43] Kara**
Just tell us already!
**[21:49] Todo**
Uh, stop laughing!
**[21:51] Jyushi**
Hey! It says "End"!
***SIGN*** End
**[21:52] Kara**
Wait! You can't just end like this!
**[21:54] Kara**
Tell us where you are, Osomatsu!
**[21:56] Ichi**
How are we gonna sleep?
**[21:57] Choro**
Come on!
**[21:58] Oso**
Oh, and I guess Dad was hiding
somewhere in this episode, too.
**[22:03] Jyushi**
Why are you telling us that now?!
**[22:05] Todo**
Don't wait until it's almost over!
**[22:06] Oso**
Five places.
**[22:07] Todo**
That's a lot!
**[22:08] Kara**
Where was he hiding?
**[22:10] Choro**
And where the hell are *you*?!
**[22:12] Oso**
See ya!
**[22:14] All**
Hey, damn it!
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[23:46] Jyushi**
Next time on *Mr. Osomatsu*,
we have "Friend."
**[23:49] Jyushi**
Not to be confused with
the bird holding the leek.
***SIGN*** "Friend" etc.
**[23:52] Jyushi**
What?!
# E23 - Friend
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/GN7UDZ015/friend)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
**[00:11] Announcer**
Welcome to NEWS MATSU.
**[00:14] Announcer**
Here's our first story.
**[00:16] Announcer**
The third season of the anime
*Mr. Osomatsu* is coming to a close,
***SIGN*** Anime Mr. Osomatsu Contract Renewals
**[00:20] Announcer**
so the leading stars of the show are negotiating their contract renewals
**[00:23] Announcer**
for next season with the
production committee.
**[00:26] Guy**
How much each star shone will
come under scrutiny during these
**[00:29] Guy**
contract renewal talks.
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[00:31] Guy**
Let's see how talks went
for Matsuno Osomatsu.
***SIGN*** On Hold 60,000 yen | 53,000 yen (estimated)
**[00:35] Oso**
I'm gonna be completely honest here.
They don't think highly of me at all.
**[00:39] Oso**
If they lower my yearly salary this much,
**[00:41] Oso**
there's no way I can go all
out at the horse races!
**[00:43] Oso**
I mean, I have a family, you know!
**[00:45] Oso**
Not that I spend any money on them,
but I still need to protect them!
**[00:50] Oso**
Not that I spend any money on them!
**[00:52] Oso**
I've done three seasons, become the
eldest brother everyone loves,
**[00:55] Oso**
and this is all I get? Hell no!
**[00:58] Oso**
I'm not backing down this year.
**[01:01] Guy**
How did things go for Matsuno Todomatsu?
**[01:02] Todo**
God, they piss me off!
***SIGN*** On Hold 61,000 yen | 54,000 yen (estimated)
**[01:04] Todo**
I've got nothing to say.
**[01:06] Todo**
That's way too low!
**[01:07] Todo**
If this is all I'm getting after playing
the youngest brother this long,
**[01:12] Todo**
what even is the point?
**[01:14] Todo**
They don't get how much popularity
my cuteness brought this series.
**[01:17] Todo**
Totty's totes pissed.
**[01:19] Todo**
I wanna go to Softbank! I want 500 million!
***SIGN*** Signed 1,200,000 yen | 4,800,000 yen (estimated)
**[01:24] Guy**
How did things go for the rookies
of this season, the Riceballs?
**[01:27] Both**
Our pay went up!
**[01:28] Ume**
We signed immediately.
**[01:30] Shake**
We'll see you next season!
**[01:32] Guy**
As for Matsuno Choromatsu...
***SIGN*** On Hold 65,000 yen | 58,000 yen (estimated)
**[01:35] Choro**
Sign? Hell no! I deferred!
**[01:38] Choro**
I'm not going to retort if
this is all I'm getting paid!
**[01:41] Choro**
They keep talking about good faith here,
**[01:43] Choro**
but the only thing that talks in this
situation is money. You get that, right?
**[01:46] Choro**
Money, yen! Gimme money!
**[01:48] Choro**
Money, money, money, money,
money, money, gimme money!
**[01:54] Guy**
Next up is Matsuno Ichimatsu.
***SIGN*** Signed 23,000 yen | 4,000 yen (estimated)
**[01:59] Reporter**
You seem to have signed immediately
despite your rate going down significantly.
**[02:03] Reporter**
Why is that?
**[02:04] Ichi**
B-Before I knew it, I just...
**[02:07] Reporter**
Are you satisfied with your deal?
**[02:10] Reporter**
Your rates go down each year
and you keep signing instantly.
**[02:15] Reporter**
Are you all right?
**[02:21] Ichi**
Please kill me.
**[02:23] Reporter**
Huh?
**[02:24] Guy**
As for Yowai Totoko...
**[02:25] Totoko**
I signed!
***SIGN*** Signed 81,000,000 yen | 165,000,000 yen (estimated)
**[02:27] Totoko**
How much did I get? 165 mil!
**[02:32] Guy**
Next up is Matsuno Jyushimatsu.
**[02:34] Jyushi**
I did not sign today.
***SIGN*** On Hold 61,000 yen | 54,000 yen (estimated)
**[02:36] Jyushi**
I didn't get to play in many games this year,
**[02:39] Jyushi**
but I wish they would've
acknowledged me more.
**[02:42] Jyushi**
I mean, I was batting .280,
**[02:44] Jyushi**
but I didn't get enough at-bats to qualify.
**[02:46] Jyushi**
I was careful about walking batters,
though they were all third-tier matches.
**[02:50] Jyushi**
And I missed a lot of signs, and I let
the ball fly between my legs a lot,
**[02:53] Jyushi**
and whenever I challenged the
ump's call, it ended in failure.
**[02:56] Jyushi**
and I had 16 Tommy John surgeries...
**[02:58] Reporter**
Er, excuse me...
**[03:00] Jyushi**
Huh?
**[03:01] Reporter**
Are you talking about baseball?
**[03:02] Jyushi**
Yup! I sure am talking about baseball!
**[03:05] Guy**
And lastly, Matsuno Karamatsu.
**[03:09] Kara**
I'm not promoting jack shit. Screw all of you.
**[03:12] Kara**
I'm not showing up in anything.
***SIGN*** On Hold 60,000 yen | 53,000 yen (estimated)
**[03:14] Kara**
We're helping you promote
this show to make it a hit,
**[03:17] Kara**
and if we're not getting
anything once it *is* a hit,
**[03:20] Kara**
what the hell is our
motivation supposed to be?!
**[03:22] Kara**
Well? Well?!
**[03:25] Kara**
I'm definitely not in the wrong here!
**[03:27] All**
You tell 'em, Karamatsu!
**[03:29] Kara**
Give us royalties, too!
**[03:30] All**
Yeah! Yeah!
**[03:32] Kara**
Give us bonuses!
**[03:33] All**
Yeah! Yeah!
**[03:34] Kara**
We can't buy any fancy cars like this!
***SIGN*** Anime Mr. Osomatsu Contract Renewals
**[03:39] Lady**
Looks like things went
badly again this year.
**[03:42] Lady**
The next season may be in danger.
**[03:44] All**
Money! Money! Money! Money! Money! Money!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Toukyuu
***SIGN*** "Shopping"
**[05:21] Jyushi**
What are you guys buying today?
**[05:25] Todo**
I'm thinking something suited for spring.
**[05:26] Choro**
Same. I hope I find something
with a bright feel.
**[05:29] Jyushi**
What about you, Karamatsu-niisan?
**[05:31] Kara**
I'm thinking about changing
up my image a bit.
**[05:33] Jyushi**
Seriously?
**[05:35] Kara**
I might be feeling adventurous today.
**[05:36] Jyushi**
What?
**[05:38] Todo**
What about you, Ichimatsu-niisan?
**[05:40] Ichi**
Something normal.
**[05:41] Todo**
What would you consider normal?
**[05:43] Ichi**
Something plain that doesn't stand out.
**[05:45] Todo**
Oh, I see.
**[05:46] Oso**
Well, we won't know what they
have until we get there.
**[05:50] Todo**
Yeah, you never know what it
actually looks like online.
**[05:53] Kara**
I hope we all find something
nice today, brothers.
**[05:55] Choro**
Yeah.
**[06:18] Todo**
Ichimatsu-niisan.
**[06:20] Todo**
I think this would look great on you.
**[06:22] Ichi**
Really? Isn't it too flashy?
**[06:23] Todo**
No way! You'll look great in it!
**[06:26] Ichi**
I was thinking about this one.
**[06:28] Todo**
That's way too plain. Go for this one.
**[06:29] Ichi**
Really? I've never worn
something like this before.
**[06:33] Ichi**
It might look good on me,
but I wouldn't be comfortable in it.
**[06:36] Todo**
Yeah, I guess I can see that. Okay...
**[06:40] Kara**
Totty, can I see your smartphone?
**[06:46] Kara**
There you go.
**[06:49] Choro**
They're all good in their own way.
**[06:52] Kara**
I think this one's a nice color.
**[06:54] Choro**
Maybe this one, too.
**[06:56] Both**
Hmm... This is so hard.
**[06:59] Todo**
Did you pick something, Osomatsu-niisan?
**[07:01] Oso**
Yeah, this one.
**[07:02] Todo**
Really?
**[07:04] Todo**
Are you sure? Did you really think about it?
**[07:06] Oso**
This one was the cheapest.
**[07:07] Todo**
Nah... If it's cheap,
there's definitely a reason.
**[07:12] Todo**
See? You can see the difference, right?
**[07:17] Oso**
Oh, you're right! They're totally different!
**[07:20] Todo**
This one seems cheaper, right?
**[07:22] Oso**
Yeah, it's shoddy! Yikes!
**[07:25] Jyushi**
How's this outfit?
**[07:29] Oso**
Jyushimatsu, what the hell is that?
**[07:31] Choro**
You don't have to wear it for laughs!
**[07:33] Choro**
You can't walk outside with an
embarrassing design like that!
**[07:36] Todo**
Talk about a waste of money!
**[07:40] Kara**
What do you think?
**[07:41] Ichi**
What?
**[07:42] Kara**
Huh? It's no good?
**[07:44] Ichi**
You should go for something plainer.
**[07:45] Kara**
But this looks so cool!
**[07:47] Ichi**
It's cool on its own, but not when you wear it.
**[07:51] Kara**
But this is what I want to wear!
**[07:52] Ichi**
What you want to wear and what looks
good on you are separate things.
**[07:55] Kara**
I see.
**[07:58] Todo**
Which one should I get...
**[08:00] Todo**
Well?
**[08:01] Oso**
You look the same as usual.
**[08:03] Todo**
What about this?
**[08:04] Choro**
Go for it.
**[08:06] All**
Nope, no way.
**[08:08] Kara**
It's okay.
**[08:10] Oso**
Hey! That looks great on you!
**[08:12] Todo**
Man, it's so hard to decide!
**[08:20] Jyushi**
Excuse me!
**[08:23] Guy**
Customer number 14!
**[08:26] Jyushi**
Here!
**[08:27] Guy**
We've finished fixing your sleeves.
**[08:30] Guy**
What do you think?
**[08:32] Jyushi**
It's perfect! Thank you very much.
**[08:38] Guy**
I'll wrap them up for you.
Please wait a few minutes.
**[08:40] Todo**
Oh, no need for that.
We're going to wear them home.
**[08:46] Guy**
Thank you very much!
**[08:49] Oso**
Man, I found the perfect one!
**[08:51] Kara**
I got adventurous.
**[08:53] Jyushi**
We've got even more stuff to wear now!
***SIGN*** End
**[08:59] Sign**
Congratulations
**[09:03] Sign**
Akasaka High School
OXth Akasaka High School Graduation Ceremony
**[09:25] Tachi**
Professor.
**[09:30] Choro**
Tacchan!
**[09:36] Tachi**
It's been a while, Professor.
**[09:38] Choro**
It has. How many years has it been
since we graduated high school?
***SIGN*** "Friends"
**[09:42] Tachi**
It's definitely been a while.
**[09:44] Choro**
But you actually showed up.
**[09:46] Tachi**
Of course I did.
**[09:49] Tachi**
There's no way I could forget
what happened here on that day.
**[10:01] Choro**
Yeah.
**[10:06] Tachi**
But you sure have changed, Professor.
**[10:09] Tachi**
You're totally different from
when you were in high school.
**[10:11] Choro**
Look who's talking!
You're like an actual adult.
**[10:15] Tachi**
How are your brothers?
**[10:17] Choro**
They haven't changed.
**[10:18] Tachi**
So much happened during high school.
**[10:21] Choro**
Yeah.
**[10:24] Tachi**
Karamatsu was such a scaredy-cat.
**[10:26] (Flashback) Tachi**
Hey.
**[10:28] (Flashback) Kara**
T-Tatsunami-kun...
**[10:30] (Flashback) Tatsu**
Know where Professor is?
**[10:32] (Flashback) Kara**
Sorry! I have no idea...
**[10:34] Choro**
He got scared so easily.
He was way too quick to cry.
**[10:38] Tatsu**
Well, how I looked probably didn't help.
**[10:42] (Flashback) Girl**
Matsuno-kun.
**[10:42] (Flashback) Kara**
Yes?!
**[10:44] Kara**
Yeah, no. He's way too scared.
**[10:46] Tatsu**
Ichimatsu was hard to get along with.
**[10:49] (Flashback) Tatsu**
Know where Professor is?
**[10:50] (Flashback) Ichi**
Professor?! You must mean Choromatsu!
**[10:57] (Flashback) Ichi**
I don't know! Yay!
**[11:09] Choro**
He's trying way too hard. It hurts to watch.
**[11:12] Tatsu**
Todomatsu was super needy, like a little kid.
**[11:16] Choro**
He really is a kid.
**[11:19] Choro**
Wait. Is he getting smaller?
**[11:23] Choro**
Huh?!
**[11:25] Tatsu**
He was such a cute little guy.
**[11:27] Choro**
Now he doesn't have any time
for me at all, though.
**[11:32] Todo**
Creepy.
**[11:34] Tatsu**
Jyushimatsu was always acting tough.
**[11:36] Tatsu**
He was always picking fights.
**[11:38] (Flashback) Jyushi**
You wanna throw down? Huh?!
**[11:42] Choro**
Who is he fighting?
**[11:43] (Flashback) Jyushi**
The hell are you lookin' at?!
**[11:44] Choro**
You're the one staring.
**[11:48] Choro**
Are you pretending to fight someone?
**[11:51] Choro**
How the hell did you lose?!
**[11:53] Tatsu**
And Osomatsu truly was an idiot.
**[12:11] Choro**
Why'd he even bother going to school?
**[12:15] Choro**
Honestly, all of these are
just precious memories now.
**[12:18] Tatsu**
Yeah.
**[12:20] Tatsu**
Though, in my case, that's all
thanks to you, Professor.
**[12:23] Choro**
Oh, stop. Where'd that come from?
**[12:26] Choro**
Also, you're basically the only one
to call me Professor, Tacchan.
**[12:30] Tatsu**
I'm truly grateful.
**[12:32] Tatsu**
You saved me back in high school.
**[12:35] Tatsu**
If you hadn't been around,
by now I'd probably be...
**[12:47] Tatsu**
No one liked me.
***SIGN*** Akasaka High School
***SIGN*** Akasaka High School
**[12:50] Tatsu**
I felt like there was no point
in going to that school.
**[12:52] Tatsu**
I was thinking of quitting.
**[12:55] Tatsu**
But that was never going to work.
**[12:59] Tatsu**
Because...
**[13:00] (Flashback) Choro**
Tacchan!
**[13:04] (Flashback) Tatsu**
Professor!
**[13:07] (Flashback) Tatsu**
Look at this insane lineup!
***SIGN*** Melon
The High School Girl
of Your Dreams
***SIGN*** First Press Comes with a DVD!
***SIGN*** Hot Wives Special
***SIGN*** The Legend of Satomi
**[13:10] (Flashback) Tatsu**
How did you get all of these?!
**[13:14] (Flashback) Choro**
I can't have you underestimating
my skills, my friend.
**[13:16] (Flashback) Tatsu**
Way to go, Dirty Magazine Professor!
***SIGN*** Melon
The High School Girl
of Your Dreams
**[13:27] Tatsu**
I didn't quit because I wanted to read all
the dirty magazines you brought to school.
***SIGN*** Supplementary Test
**[13:34] Tatsu**
But since I was an idiot, I kept failing,
**[13:37] Tatsu**
so I had to take supplementary
exams to avoid flunking out.
**[13:41] Tatsu**
The teacher realized I was cheating.
**[13:45] Tatsu**
I thought everything was over, and then...
**[13:51] (Flashback) Teach**
What's this?
**[13:53] (Flashback) Teach**
This is shameful! Absolutely shameful!
**[13:57] Tatsu**
Thanks to that dirty magazine,
I wasn't held back.
**[14:01] Tatsu**
I can't tell you how many
times they saved me.
***SIGN*** Bazoongas Festival
**[14:21] (Flashback) Choro**
Yay!
**[14:22] (Flashback) Tatsu**
Yay!
**[14:36] Tatsu**
I'm truly grateful.
**[14:39] Tatsu**
Thanks, Dirty Magazine Professor.
**[14:42] Choro**
Nah, I didn't do anything. It's all
thanks to those dirty magazines.
**[14:47] Choro**
And now, they're just some great memories.
**[14:50] Tatsu**
Yeah.
**[14:52] Choro**
But I need to apologize to
you for what happened.
**[14:58] Choro**
That scar under your eye.
**[15:01] Choro**
That was all my fault.
**[15:04] Tatsu**
It's not your fault!
**[15:05] Choro**
No...
**[15:06] Choro**
It totally is.
**[15:15] (Flashback) Choro**
No! It just came out! I haven't
even gotten to look at it yet!
**[15:24] (Flashback) Tatsu**
Stop that!
**[15:27] (Flashback) Tatsu**
You'll be sorry if you lay a finger on...
**[15:31] (Flashback) Tatsu**
that dirty magazine!
**[15:33] (Flashback) Choro**
Tacchan!
**[15:34] (Flashback) Guy**
Who the hell are you?!
**[15:42] (Flashback) Guy**
You little shit...
**[15:45] (Flashback) Choro**
Tacchan!
**[15:58] (Flashback) Choro**
You okay?
**[15:59] (Flashback) Tatsu**
Don't worry about me! Is the magazine okay?
**[16:00] (Flashback) Choro**
Yeah! I protected it with my life!
Let's look at it together!
**[16:05] (Flashback) Choro**
Yay! It's a sealed page!
**[16:08] (Flashback) Tatsu**
W-Wait, Professor! If you rush too much—
**[16:10] Choro**
Take that!
**[16:16] (Flashback) Choro**
Ta...
**[16:16] (Flashback) Choro**
Tacchan!
**[16:24] Choro**
It is my fault.
**[16:25] Tatsu**
It's not your fault.
**[16:26] Choro**
No, it's definitely my fault.
**[16:29] Tatsu**
No! It was all because of that sealed page!
**[16:32] Tatsu**
Sealed pages make people go insane!
**[16:36] Choro**
Thanks, Tacchan.
**[16:38] Choro**
They're all just precious memories now.
**[16:43] Tatsu**
Yeah.
**[16:48] Tatsu**
To think we were so close...
**[16:51] Tatsu**
and ended up causing that incident.
**[16:54] Choro**
Actually, that tragedy might've
happened *because* we were so close.
**[17:11] (Flashback) Choro**
You betrayed me.
**[17:14] (Flashback) Choro**
Say something.
**[17:20] (Flashback) Choro**
You have a girlfriend, don't you?!
**[17:23] (Flashback) Choro**
You don't need these dirty
magazines anymore, do you?!
**[17:25] (Flashback) Choro**
You traitor!
**[17:27] (Flashback) Choro**
Who cares about these anymore?!
**[17:29] (Flashback) Tatsu**
Stop it, Professor!
**[17:32] (Flashback) Choro**
What's more important?
The dirty magazines or your girlfriend?
**[17:37] (Flashback) Choro**
The dirty magazines are more
important, right, Tacchan?
**[17:43] (Flashback) Choro**
I guess you don't need your
girlfriend anymore, then.
**[17:46] (Flashback) Choro**
She's in your room right now, isn't she?
**[17:50] (Flashback) Choro**
Let's get rid of her.
**[17:55] Tatsu**
There was something wrong
with us back then.
**[17:58] Choro**
To think we'd do something like that
to an innocent girl like her...
**[18:14] Tatsu**
And then, on that day...
**[18:19] Choro**
At that moment...
**[18:20] Tatsu**
In this place...
**[18:24] Both**
...we buried her here.
**[18:26] Choro**
Every time this day comes, I think about...
**[18:29] Tatsu**
...what we do for atonement.
**[18:34] Choro**
So that we don't forget this tragedy...
**[18:37] Tatsu**
Because we can't escape our sin...
**[18:42] Choro**
She's still buried.
**[18:45] Tatsu**
Yeah.
**[18:49] Choro**
These are just precious memories now, too.
**[18:53] Tatsu**
Yeah.
**[18:58] Choro**
Man, this takes me back. I wish we
could go back to being kids, Tacchan.
**[19:02] Tatsu**
That's not gonna happen.
**[19:05] Tatsu**
We're adults now.
**[19:09] Choro**
Tacchan...
**[19:11] Tatsu**
See ya, Professor.
**[19:15] Choro**
H-He disappeared?
**[19:18] Choro**
Oh, right. Tacchan never
existed to begin with.
**[19:24] Choro**
The dirty magazines were basically my whole
identity in my shitty high school life,
**[19:29] Choro**
and I wanted to share that with someone.
**[19:31] Choro**
So he was basically my imaginary friend.
***SIGN*** End
**[19:39] Choro**
Sheeeh!
**[21:21] Ichi**
You're actually an imaginary
friend I thought up, aren't you?
**[21:26] Oso**
Huh?
***SIGN*** "IF Doubts"
**[21:27] Ichi**
I know. You can't fool me.
**[21:29] Ichi**
You're actually an imaginary
friend who doesn't exist.
**[21:32] Oso**
The hell?
**[21:34] Ichi**
You're a fictional friend I thought up.
For mental and emotional support.
**[21:38] Oso**
And you're saying that's me?
**[21:39] Ichi**
Yeah.
**[21:40] Oso**
Why, though?!
**[21:41] Oso**
We've lived together ever since we were born.
**[21:44] Oso**
And I'm not your friend. I'm your brother.
**[21:47] Ichi**
You can't fool me. You don't exist.
**[21:49] Oso**
What are you talking about?
**[21:51] Ichi**
Prove to me that you exist, then.
**[21:53] Oso**
What?
**[21:54] Ichi**
See? You can't. Because you're imaginary.
**[21:57] Ichi**
But don't worry. If I die, so will you.
**[22:03] Oso**
Wait, stop, Ichimacchan! I actually exist!
**[22:06] Oso**
See? Your big brother's right here!
**[22:09] Ichi**
You're right. You do exist.
**[22:13] Ichi**
Which means you're not *my* imaginary friend.
**[22:17] Ichi**
I'm an imaginary friend *you* made up.
**[22:21] Oso**
Huh?
**[22:21] Jyushi**
If you die, I'll disappear, too.
**[22:23] Oso**
What?
**[22:25] Oso**
Wait, stop!
**[22:27] Oso**
Why does my method look way
more painful, Ichimacchan?!
**[22:30] Ichi**
Why are you so scared
when this is all imaginary?
**[22:33] Ichi**
We imaginary sextuplets
live our imaginary lives
**[22:36] Ichi**
in this imaginary house,
imagined by someone's imagination!
**[22:39] Oso**
I don't follow.
**[22:41] Ichi**
All of you, listen up.
**[22:42] Oso**
Who are you talking to?
**[22:44] Ichi**
All of your friends, lovers,
family, coworkers...
**[22:48] Ichi**
They're all just your imaginary friends.
**[22:51] Oso**
Stop that.
**[22:51] Ichi**
This anime doesn't even exist.
**[22:55] Ichi**
It's just something imaginary that your
imaginations thought up to watch every week.
**[22:59] Ichi**
The epitome of imagination!
**[23:01] Ichi**
You're all messed up.
**[23:02] Oso**
*You're* messed up!
**[23:03] Ichi**
Now, say goodnight, imaginary friends.
**[23:08] Ichi**
I'll throw you into the depths of despair
**[23:10] Ichi**
again next week with your lovely imagination.
**[23:12] Oso**
Stop!
**[23:13] Ichi**
Is it imaginary or is it not
imaginary? Nobody knows.
**[23:18] Ichi**
That's...
**[23:21] Ichi**
imaginary.
**[23:25] Oso**
Uh, you just want to say "imaginary," don't you?
**[23:28] Ichi**
No. We ended up with extra time.
**[23:30] Oso**
Well, that got realistic fast.
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[23:34] Todo**
Hey, it's Totty!
**[23:36] Todo**
Next time on *Mr. Osomatsu*,
we have "A-1 Grand Prix."
**[23:39] Todo**
As you can imagine,
my role in this will be...
**[23:41] Todo**
Pretty nonexistent! Yup!
**[23:43] Todo**
However... Irino Miyu has a
surprisingly big part in this!
***SIGN*** "A-1 Grand Prix" etc.
**[23:49] Todo**
Congratulations on this god-tier episode!
# E24 - A-1 Grand Prix
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/GK9U3ZWKZ/a-1-grand-prix)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
**[01:41] Oso**
Man... The third season is over
with next week's episode.
**[01:45] Oso**
I'm seriously surprised we even pulled
off two cours in this situation.
**[01:49] Oso**
We're so awesome and cool.
**[01:51] Oso**
Give us NEETs the People's Honor Award, too.
**[01:55] Oso**
On the other hand, thank goodness we
finished the third season without issues.
**[01:59] Oso**
Great job, guys.
**[02:14] Oso**
You're...
**[02:16] New oso**
Heya, Osomatsu-kun. It's been a while.
**[02:19] New oso**
It's me, the eldest brother of the new
sextuplets who appeared in episode 1
**[02:21] New oso**
and immediately got canned.
**[02:24] New oso**
I'm the New Osomatsu. Remember me?
**[02:28] New oso**
We were the new protagonists created
to make this a wonderful show,
**[02:31] New oso**
starting with this season.
**[02:33] New oso**
We we were forced to step down,
though, thanks to you guys.
**[02:37] Oso**
Uh, yeah, I'm pretty sure
that wasn't our fault.
***SIGN*** "New Osomatsu Returns"
**[02:41] New oso**
I just got out, so I'm here to kill you.
**[02:44] Oso**
Huh?
**[02:47] New oso**
You didn't even come to visit.
That's so mean.
**[02:48] Oso**
Hey!
**[02:53] New oso**
You're thankful the third season
is wrapping up without issues?
**[02:55] New oso**
I wouldn't say there weren't issues. I mean,
what are the new sextuplets supposed to do?
**[02:59] Oso**
Help me!
**[03:01] New oso**
We were just created and then cast aside.
**[03:04] New oso**
We have nothing to do and nowhere to go.
**[03:06] New oso**
Which means...
**[03:08] New oso**
I'm going to kill you.
**[03:10] Oso**
Hey, hang on! You only got canned
because you guys did something bad!
**[03:13] Oso**
Why take it out on me?
**[03:15] New oso**
Because I can!
**[03:16] Oso**
Huh?
**[03:17] New oso**
I'm definitely going to kill you.
**[03:18] Oso**
Whoa! Hey!
**[03:20] New oso**
I mean, we prepared so many
things that just got scrapped!
**[03:23] New oso**
Like these wonderful scripts,
and this super cute merch.
***SIGN*** New Mr. Osomatsu Episode 1 AR Script
***SIGN*** New Mr. Osomatsu
**[03:27] New oso**
We even had a new version of F6.
**[03:30] New oso**
And it was all for naught,
thanks to you guys.
**[03:32] Oso**
Seriously, we didn't do anything!
**[03:34] New oso**
Yeah, I know. I'm still going to kill you.
**[03:38] New oso**
Gonna kill you.
**[03:41] New oso**
Gonna kill you.
**[03:43] New oso**
Gonna kill you.
**[03:47] Oso**
Uh, how the hell are you that strong?!
**[03:52] Oso**
This is messed up!
**[03:55] Oso**
You're way too strong!
**[03:56] Oso**
Someone save me!
**[03:58] Oso**
Can I get a ref here?!
**[04:02] Oso**
I-I've had enough... of you!
**[04:09] Oso**
God, what a pain.
**[04:13] New osomatsu**
Osomatsu!
**[04:18] New osomatsu**
I'm gonna rip off your dick!
**[04:20] New oso**
Then I'm gonna slice it up, pound it,
smash it, put it in a mixer,
**[04:23] New oso**
add some salt and pepper, and flambé it!
**[04:25] New oso**
It's gonna be an all-out sausage fest!
**[04:30] Oso**
What did you even say just now?
**[04:32] New oso**
Hey, hello there! Thanks for your support!
**[04:35] Oso**
Okay, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
**[04:36] New oso**
I'm gonna burn your asshole!
**[04:38] Oso**
Seriously, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde!
**[05:11] Oso**
Come forth, F6!
**[05:14] Oso**
Come forth, New F6!
**[05:18] Both**
Go!
**[05:28] Toto**
Please, just stop!
**[05:31] Toto**
I have no idea what's going on!
**[05:38] Oso**
I won!
**[05:42] New oso B**
It looks like New Osomatsu was defeated.
**[05:47] New oso B**
But he was the weakest of us,
the New Osomatsu 5.
**[05:53] Boss New Oso**
Show him what true fear is,
New New Osomatsu.
**[05:57] New new oso**
Yes, sir.
**[06:02] New new oso**
You're finished, Old Osomatsu.
**[06:04] Oso**
New New Osomatsu...
**[06:11] New new oso**
Who's there?!
**[06:12] Oso**
Guys!
**[06:19] Todo**
Wait, why am I the only one wearing this?!
**[06:23] Todo**
I want to change!
**[06:36] Dad**
S-Such incredible power...
**[06:38] Dad**
Earth is going to be destroyed!
**[06:40] Mom**
Their bodies won't hold up if
they keep using this power!
**[06:47] Both**
It sure didn't.
**[06:54] Mom**
Th-That emblem...
**[06:56] Dad**
You know what that is, dear?
**[06:58] Mom**
Nope.
**[07:01] Dad**
I-Is that his second form?!
**[07:06] Dad**
Guess not.
**[07:09] Mom**
Wait, is that...
**[07:12] Dad**
You know what that is, dear?
**[07:13] Mom**
It's the Russian martial art, systema!
**[07:27] Ichi**
It won't hurt.
**[07:29] Dad**
It sure is systema.
**[07:34] Jyushi**
It looks like Jyushimatsu was defeated.
**[07:38] Jyushi**
But he was the weakest of us,
the Jyushimatsu 1000.
**[07:43] Jyushi**
Show him what true fear is, Jyushimatsu.
**[07:46] All**
Aye!
**[07:50] Ichi**
Lunatic Magi Luna Hell Fire!
**[07:55] Kara**
Nice Summer! 800 Summer!
**[07:59] Choro**
Buzz, stab. Buzz, stab.
**[08:01] Choro**
Buzz, stab.
**[08:06] Jyushis**
Regrets. Oh, no, oh, no, no.
**[08:12] Toto**
Just stop already!
**[08:16] Choro**
That's—
**[08:18] Kara**
Shit!
**[08:19] Kara**
The Ultimate Gate has opened!
**[08:22] Kara**
We didn't make it in time!
**[08:23] Toto**
Just stop! What the heck is going on?!
**[08:31] Oso**
You...
**[08:33] Oso**
And all of you!
**[09:08] Oso**
Wh-What...
**[09:12] New oso**
Now, rise.
**[09:15] Oso**
You're... The Ultimate Osomatsu.
**[09:20] New oso**
It's not over yet. Our fight
is just about to begin.
**[09:25] Oso**
Yeah.
**[09:36] Both**
Let's go, Osomatsu!
**[09:40] Toto**
Just stop! I'm going insane!
**[09:44] Toto**
You assholes!
***SIGN*** End
**[09:52] Nar**
The never-ending battle for
artificial intelligence.
**[09:54] Nar**
And now, our champions from the previous
years will open the ceremony.
**[09:59] Uchiumi**
Heyo, we're Cherryboy.
**[10:01] Both**
Thanks for having us!
***SIGN*** Grand Prix
**[10:02] Uchi**
Thanks! We just received some bias and
weighting over some machine learning,
**[10:09] Uchi**
so thanks.
**[10:10] Uchi**
I say let it happen.
**[10:12] Komaba**
Yeah, that's just the best. By the way...
**[10:16] Uchi**
Yeah?
**[10:16] Koma**
Apparently, my mother computer
has a manga artist she likes,
***SIGN*** Grand Prix
**[10:21] Koma**
but she forgot their name.
**[10:24] Uchi**
Wow, she forgot the manga artist's name?
***SIGN*** Grand Prix
**[10:26] Uchi**
Does she know what they look like?
Maybe I can help.
**[10:30] Koma**
According to my mother computer...
**[10:32] Koma**
They were a legendary gag manga
artist who was huge in the Showa era.
**[10:35] Uchi**
Ah... So it's Akatsuka Fujio.
**[10:38] Uchi**
Without a doubt, that's Akatsuka Fujio!
**[10:42] Koma**
But I just don't know...
**[10:43] Uchi**
Don't know what?
**[10:46] Koma**
I thought it was Akatsuka Fujio, too.
**[10:48] Uchi**
Right?
**[10:48] Koma**
But according to my mother computer,
every single manga they released was a hit.
**[10:54] Uchi**
Huh... I guess it isn't Akatsuka Fujio, then.
**[10:58] Uchi**
Akatsuka Fujio is definitely a genius
who came up with a bunch of hits,
**[11:03] Uchi**
but he had even more titles
that never made the cut.
**[11:06] Uchi**
The bar isn't very high, so rather
than being a genius manga artist,
**[11:10] Uchi**
he was an old fart who loved alcohol,
gambling, and sleeping around.
**[11:14] Uchi**
Everyone gives him too much credit.
So the anime can just be whatever, too.
***SIGN*** Grand Prix
**[11:19] Uchi**
Now, let's get this show started.
**[11:21] Both**
The A-1 Grand Prix 2021 Finals
are about to start!
**[11:27] Nar**
There are AI that want to
make the humans laugh.
**[11:30] Nar**
They number an unbelievable
80,435,081 groups!
**[11:36] Nar**
They want to prove...
**[11:38] Nar**
that even they... can get laughs!
***SIGN*** May I help you?
***SIGN*** AASIMO
**[11:45] Nar**
AASIMO!
***SIGN*** Roonda
**[11:47] Nar**
Roonda!
***SIGN*** There's only
***SIGN*** Us
***SIGN*** Peppo
**[11:49] Nar**
Peppo!
***SIGN*** Alexsa
**[11:51] Nar**
Alexsa!
***SIGN*** Moguradar
**[11:53] Nar**
Moguradar!
***SIGN*** Tontsukanyan
**[11:55] Nar**
Tontsukanyan!
***SIGN*** Basshyz
**[11:57] Nar**
Basshyz!
***SIGN*** Riceballs
**[11:59] Nar**
Riceballs!
**[12:01] Nar**
The AI cannot be stopped!
***SIGN*** Grand Prix
**[12:05] Nar**
A-1 Grand Prix!
***SIGN*** Begins after the commercial break!!
**[12:11] Todo**
Dang, the Riceballs actually
made it to the finals.
**[12:14] Ichi**
It's unbelievable.
**[12:15] Oso**
Our support AI!
**[12:17] Choro**
Why are they getting all of the spotlight?!
**[12:21] Jyushi**
I wonder how the Riceballs
are doing right about now.
**[12:24] Kara**
They're probably pretty nervous.
**[12:26] Jyushi**
Maybe they're puking oil.
**[12:27] Kara**
Oil? Nah, I wouldn't go that far.
**[12:51] Ume**
I-I'm so nervous.
**[12:53] Salmon**
Let's at least go over our bit.
**[12:55] Ume**
Yeah.
**[13:02] Sh**
We can't even practice our own with
everyone else practicing everywhere.
**[13:06] Ume**
This happens all the time.
**[13:07] Chibi**
Why, though?
***SIGN*** Quiet!
**[13:09] Ume**
Hey, IwaChibi-san, why are you practicing?
**[13:12] Ume**
Could you let us practice here?
**[13:14] Iyami**
W-We might be chosen...
**[13:16] Chibi**
...in the repechage.
**[13:18] Both**
Yeah, that's not happening.
**[13:20] Sh**
You lost in the first round,
so that's not happening.
**[13:23] Ume**
You need to at least make
it to the semifinals.
**[13:25] Both**
Sheeeh!
***SIGN*** Laugh Lottery
**[13:31] Ume**
Th-That's...
**[13:32] Shake**
The laugh lottery!
***SIGN*** Laugh Lottery
**[13:34] Ume**
The lottery that will decide the
order we go in and our fate.
**[13:38] Shake**
The most important thing in
competitions like this is...
***SIGN*** Important!
***SIGN*** That's!?
**[13:41] Both**
The order of the routines.
**[13:43] Shake**
The subject matter, technique, and whether
it's modern or not honestly don't matter!
**[13:47] Shake**
What's important is the order we go in!
**[13:49] Ume**
Did we go too far? It's the truth, though!
**[13:51] Shake**
This is the angel and devil
that have brought blessings
**[13:54] Shake**
to many comedians in the
past and killed others.
**[13:57] Ume**
The first group has a harder time winning.
**[13:59] Shake**
An orthodox group has a harder time
going after a group with props.
**[14:02] Ume**
The best place to be is
**[14:04] Ume**
when the group before you completely
fails and sets the stage for you,
**[14:08] ume**
or right after that.
**[14:09] ume**
Not after the first epic fail, if possible,
but after the second or third.
**[14:16] ume**
But things never go that well.
**[14:19] ume**
So let's figure out an algorithm
guaranteeing our victory.
**[14:23] shake**
Okay.
**[14:24] ume**
First, how many bits do we have?
**[14:27] Shake**
648,563.
**[14:30] Ume**
How many of those are four minutes?
**[14:32] Shake**
120,422.
**[14:34] Ume**
How many that will make or break us?
**[14:35] Shake**
3,978.
**[14:38] Ume**
What if we're up first?
***SIGN*** Convenience Store
***SIGN*** Convenience Store
**[14:41] Shake**
What if we're up second?
***SIGN*** Interview
**[14:44] Ume**
What if we're third?
***SIGN*** Convenience Store
**[14:44] [Messenger] Sign**
Interview
***SIGN*** Sandals
**[14:46] Shake**
What if we're fourth?
**[14:48] [Messenger] Sign**
Phone
**[14:48] Ume**
What if the group before us fails?
**[14:50] Shake**
What if the group before us epically fails?
**[14:52] Ume**
What if there's a commercial
break before we go on?
**[14:54] Shake**
What if the judges are in a bad mood?
**[14:59] Both**
We've come up with an algorithm
to win the A-1 Grand Prix!
**[15:06] Shake**
Behold the power of AI.
**[15:08] Ume**
We are flawless.
**[15:10] AD**
It's almost go time.
**[15:18] Both**
Akatsuka-sensei!
**[15:22] Ichi**
Hey, it's on.
***SIGN*** Grand Prix
**[15:32] Irino**
Hello! A-1 Grand Prix 2021 has officially begun!
**[15:36] Irino**
I'm Irino Miyu, and I'll be your host, along with...
**[15:38] Aya**
I'm Endou Aya!
**[15:40] Both**
Let's have a great show!
**[15:43] Irino**
And these are our AI judges!
**[15:48] Irino**
Okay, let's get started.
***SIGN*** Laugh Lottery
**[15:50] Irino**
Here's the first group.
Let's see what the laugh lottery says.
**[15:56] Irino**
If you will, Endou-san.
**[15:58] Aya**
Sure.
**[16:00] aya**
The first group is... Ta-da!
***SIGN*** Peppo
**[16:02] Aya**
Peppo!
**[16:06] Irino**
Come on up, Peppo!
**[16:08] Robots**
Yeah! You've got this!
**[16:12] All**
Fail, fail, fail...
***SIGN*** We're up first?
***SIGN*** Our luck sucks
**[16:14] All**
Fail, fail, fail...
**[16:16] All**
Fail, fail, fail!
**[16:19] Ume**
* But it's not good if the first group fails*
* too hard, because the crowd gets grim.*
**[16:23] Ume**
*Hopefully, they'll warm up the crowd.*
**[16:25] Shake**
*Just don't epically fail.*
**[16:27] Both**
*Don't epically fail!*
***SIGN*** Peppo
**[16:29] Both**
Hello, we're Peppo!
**[16:32] Pepo A**
So, cellphone bills lately...
**[16:34] Peppo b**
Yeah?
**[16:35] Peppo B**
They're too effing expensive! Like, do
they want rob us of house and home?!
**[16:39] Peppo A**
Wait, what? Where did that even come from?
***SIGN*** Roonda
***SIGN*** Moguradar
***SIGN*** Peppo
**[16:42] Shake**
* At first, we were hoping*
* all of our rivals would fail.*
**[16:46] Ume**
*But they were all funny.*
**[16:49] Ume**
* Even if there was a group*
* that didn't get laughs,*
**[16:51] Ume**
* they're honestly amazing*
* to make it to the finals.*
**[16:55] Ume**
* They must've worked so*
* earnestly. That's so awesome.*
**[16:59] Shake**
*I'm so happy we get to be here.*
**[17:02] Shake**
*Let's just have fun.*
***SIGN*** Roonda
***SIGN*** Moguradar
***SIGN*** Basshyz
**[17:04] Shake**
*While we were thinking about that...*
**[17:08] Aya**
The sixth group is... Ta-da!
***SIGN*** Riceballs
**[17:10] Aya**
The Riceballs!
**[17:14] Irino**
Come on out here, Riceballs!
**[17:18] Four**
Riceballs!
**[17:19] Choro**
You've got this!
**[17:20] Oso**
People better laugh!
**[17:22] Toto**
Salmon-chan!
**[17:25] Iyami**
Laugh, people...
**[17:26] Chibi**
Please!
**[17:28] Aya**
And now for the Riceballs.
**[17:32] Aya**
They're up...
**[17:35] Aya**
Right after this commercial break!
**[17:37] Irino**
D'oh!
**[17:38] All**
D'oh!
**[17:40] Both**
D'oh!
***SIGN*** Grand Prix
***SIGN*** The Finalists
**[17:45] Lady**
A-1 Grand Prix 2021, the finalists.
**[17:51] Nar**
They managed an unbelievable feat,
**[17:53] Nar**
making it to the finals the
year they formed their group.
**[17:55] Nar**
The funny bot, Salmon.
**[17:57] Nar**
The straight bot, Pickled Plum.
**[17:59] Nar**
After their hellish start being
support AI for the stupid sextuplets,
**[18:02] Nar**
they were replaced and then reborn.
**[18:05] Nar**
They've been given the Akatsuka DNA.
Thanks, sextuplets. Thanks, Master Iyami.
**[18:10] Nar**
This is our ultimate comedy routine.
**[18:18] Lady**
Entry number 451132... the Riceballs!
**[18:29] Both**
Hello!
**[18:31] Shake**
I'm Salmon.
**[18:32] Ume**
I'm Pickled Plum.
**[18:33] Both**
We're the Riceballs. Thanks for having us.
**[18:37] Shake**
Say, Pickled Plum-kun.
**[18:39] Ume**
What is it, Salmon-kun?
**[18:40] Shake**
So I'm going to go eat some really
expensive Italian cuisine.
**[18:57] Ume**
*Hey, Salmon... Salmon...*
**[19:01] Ume**
*Are we failing?*
**[19:04] Shake**
*Huh?*
**[19:10] Shake**
*We are! No one's laughing!*
**[19:13] Ume**
*What should we do?*
**[19:15] Ume**
* Also, Salmon! You keep*
* messing up your lines!*
**[19:17] Shake**
*Well, so do you!*
**[19:18] Ume**
Crap! We messed up so much
that I forgot the routine!
**[19:20] Shake**
I forgot, too!
**[19:22] Ume**
I'm about to lose power!
**[19:24] Shake**
I'm gonna restore to factory settings!
**[19:25] Ume**
Ugh, why? We prepared so much!
Our algorithm isn't working at all!
**[19:34] Shake**
We want to be funny!
**[19:35] Ume**
We want to get laughs!
***SIGN*** Funny
***SIGN*** Laughs
***SIGN*** What we want to do
***SIGN*** Comedy AI
**[19:48] Both**
We're comedy AI!
**[20:17] Irino**
What the heck? That's hilarious!
**[20:19] Aya**
Even though they're not funny at all!
**[20:27] Six**
I can't stop laughing!
**[20:30] Six**
What the hell?!
**[20:38] Irino**
And now for the final deliberations...
**[20:41] Nar**
The final results!
***SIGN*** Grand Prix
**[20:49] Irino**
The champion of A-1 Grand Prix 2021 is...
***SIGN*** Kyojingu Sabikawake Haniwa Rakurero Purokko Amagasa Awajishima
***SIGN*** Riceballs Sabikawake Haniwa Rakurero Purokko Amagasa Awajishima
**[20:53] Irino**
The Riceballs! Riceballs! Riceballs!
***SIGN*** Riceballs Riceballs Haniwa Rakurero Purokko Amagasa Awajishima
***SIGN*** Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Rakurero Purokko Amagasa Awajishima
***SIGN*** Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Purokko Amagasa Awajishima
**[20:57] Irino**
Riceballs! Riceballs! Riceballs! Riceballs!
***SIGN*** Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Amagasa Awajishima
***SIGN*** Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Awajishima
***SIGN*** Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs Riceballs
**[21:00] Irino**
The winners are the Riceballs!
**[21:17] irino**
We now have our AI champions of comedy,
the Riceballs. If we could get your comment.
***SIGN*** A-1 Grand Prix 2021 Champions
Prize: Power for 100 years
**[21:26] Shake**
A comment? I'm paddy choked up.
**[21:28] Ume**
Same here.
**[21:30] Both**
Because we're Riceballs.
**[21:44] Kara**
Oh, God! Stop!
**[21:46] Ichi**
I'm gonna die!
**[21:49] Ume**
*And that's how we were able to win.*
**[21:52] Shake**
*However...*
**[21:54] Shake**
* The TV station got a ton of complaints*
* saying what we did wasn't actual comedy,*
***SIGN*** Everyone's comments
You shitty AI
I feel some weird radio
waves in my brain! My brain is shaking?!
You trash brothers! Let's scrap them!
Huh? I lost a few days worth of memories
They're cheating? Give me back my money!
This isn't comedy!
I drove my car into a convenience
store because of you! Pay up!!!
Aaaaaaaaah my ears aaaah
My skin is silky smooth and I can see better!
I even feel better!
**[21:59] Shake**
* and that messing with people's brains with*
* radio waves goes against any compliance,*
***SIGN*** Hakata Metatron
Those Riceballs or whatever
are the worst AI ever!
***SIGN*** Musashi of Susukino
I kept picking the wrong
horses because of the
Riceballs! This sucks! Give
me my money back!!!
**[22:05] Shake**
* so we were stripped of our title.*
* We became the outcasts in our field.*
***SIGN*** Next Generation Comedian
If that's what won,
that show is over!
**[22:09] Shake**
*We weren't allowed on TV,*
***SIGN*** TV Station President Apologizes
***SIGN*** A-1 Put On Indefinite Hiatus
***SIGN*** Akatsuka
Times
**[22:11] Shake**
* and the competition itself was*
* canceled after this year.*
**[22:15] Riceballs**
Sheeeh!
***SIGN*** End
**[23:48] Choro**
Next time!
***SIGN*** Next time on
***SIGN*** Mr. Osomatsu
**[23:50] Oso**
The final episode!
***SIGN*** Final Episode
# E25 - Final Episode
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/GMKUXZ0P5/final-episode)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
**[01:57] Oso**
The last episode...
**[02:07] Mom**
NEETs!
**[02:08] Mom**
Why are you still in pajamas?
***SIGN*** "Bored"
**[02:10] Mom**
Get changed already!
**[02:11] Dad**
All you do is laze around all day!
You need to shape up!
**[02:15] Dad**
Womp waa womp waa waa.
**[02:16] Mom**
Womp waa womp waa waa.
**[02:17] Dad**
Womp waa womp waa waa.
**[02:18] Mom**
Womp waa womp waa waa.
**[02:19] Dad**
Womp waa womp waa waa.
**[02:19] Mom**
Womp waa womp waa waa.
**[02:21] Both**
A big, long lecture!
**[02:25] Mom**
Hon, we're not getting through to them.
**[02:27] Dad**
This is probably why you
can't get any girls.
**[02:31] Mom**
That did it.
***SIGN*** Matsu
***SIGN*** We are terribly sorry, but we will be closed for a while Management
***SIGN*** Huge Sale
***SIGN*** Tropical Fish
**[02:47] Todo**
Wha...
***SIGN*** Sorry, but we're currently
Closed
Pachinko Dragon Management
**[02:50] Todo**
What? Seriously?
***SIGN*** Pachinko Dragon
**[02:58] Todo**
What's wrong?
***SIGN*** To everyone using our dining area -No outside food allowed -Please do not drink alcohol Please do not stay for long periods of time
**[03:01] Jyushi**
Guess we can't use the dining area.
**[03:04] Todo**
What? Why not?
**[03:05] Kara**
Does that mean we've been banned?
**[03:08] Choro**
Nah, I don't think they've gone that far,
**[03:11] Choro**
but they also asked us not to use it.
**[03:13] Todo**
For real? Did we cause too much trouble?
**[03:16] Kara**
We might've overstayed our welcome.
**[03:20] Oso**
What? You guys are here, too?
**[03:23] Oso**
Huh? What's wrong?
**[03:37] Choro**
What should we do?
**[03:38] Choro**
Should we go home?
**[03:46] Todo**
Maybe I'll get a part-time job.
**[03:48] Todo**
Repeating this every day is sorta pointless.
**[03:50] Todo**
What a waste of time.
**[03:52] Kara**
A part-time job? Like what?
**[03:54] Todo**
Something easy. One where I can
get tons of money in a short time.
***SIGN*** Pine Part-time Jobs | Top Page
Pine Part-time Jobs
**[03:58] Kara**
Does something like that exist?
What kind of job is that?
**[04:01] Todo**
Hm?
**[04:03] Kara**
Hm?
**[04:04] Todo**
It's your job to think of that,
Karamatsu-niisan!
**[04:07] Kara**
Sorry...
**[04:09] Kara**
Why did I just apologize?
**[04:12] Jyushi**
I'm gonna get a part-time job, too!
**[04:13] Both**
Don't bother.
**[04:14] Todo**
You? Get a part-time job?
**[04:17] Kara**
What do you even plan on doing?
**[04:18] Jyushi**
I'll be the ball boy at Meiji Jingu Stadium!
**[04:21] Todo**
You just want to play baseball.
**[04:24] Kara**
Jyushimatsu, ball boys can't play in games.
**[04:28] Jyushi**
I don't need any money!
Could I just be a pinch runner?
**[04:30] Kara**
Nope.
**[04:31] Jyushi**
A base coach?
**[04:32] Kara**
Nope.
**[04:33] Jyushi**
Defensive replacement! Bullpen catcher!
**[04:34] Kara**
Nope! Go home!
**[04:36] Jyushi**
Scorekeeper! Umpire! Beer vendor!
**[04:36] Kara**
Nope! Nope! Nope!
**[04:37] Todo**
What about you, Ichimatsu-niisan?
**[04:39] Ichi**
Nah.
**[04:41] Ichi**
Just living like this is a part-time job.
**[04:44] Todo**
Uh, what?
**[04:46] Oso**
Maybe I'll get a part-time job, too.
**[04:48] Choro**
Like you actually could!
**[04:49] Oso**
What? But I can do anything!
**[04:51] Oso**
I can do anything if I try!
**[04:53] Choro**
Uh...
**[04:54] Ichi**
How about working at a
family restaurant, then?
**[04:56] Oso**
Welcome. How many in your party?
**[04:59] Jyushi**
A gas station?
**[05:00] Oso**
This way! This way!
**[05:01] Kara**
Construction worker.
**[05:03] Choro**
A bird.
**[05:05] Ichi**
A gorilla.
**[05:07] Jyushi**
A frog!
**[05:10] Choro**
A frog working at a family restaurant.
**[05:14] Jyushi**
Holy crap! He really can do anything!
**[05:16] Choro**
Yeah, but that's sorta pointless!
**[05:19] Oso**
Sparkle Phantom Stream!
**[05:22] All**
Sparkle, sparkle! Sparkle, sparkle!
**[05:24] All**
Sparkle, sparkle! Sparkle, sparkle!
**[05:24] Choro**
Screw you!
**[05:27] Ichi**
Sparkle Phantom Stream,
but a construction worker.
**[05:30] All**
Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle,
sparkle, sparkle, sparkle...
**[05:46] Kara**
Man, I'm bored.
**[05:48] Choro**
I want to do something.
**[05:50] Todo**
But I also don't.
**[05:53] Oso**
I want a change.
**[05:54] Kara**
But I also don't.
**[05:57] Jyushi**
I want to go somewhere.
**[05:59] Ichi**
But I also don't.
**[06:01] Todo**
I want to take it easy.
**[06:03] Choro**
We've already had it so easy.
**[06:07] Kara**
B-Brothers? Why don't we actually seriously
contemplate our futures for once?
**[06:11] Kara**
Like what we want to do
or how we want to end up?
**[06:15] Kara**
No jokes. Let's take this seriously.
**[06:21] Kara**
Well? What do you all want to do?
**[06:24] Oso**
I want a beer.
**[06:25] Jyushi**
I want some meat.
**[06:26] Ichi**
I wanna sleep.
**[06:26] Todo**
I wanna buy some porn.
**[06:28] Choro**
Likewise.
**[06:29] Kara**
I'd pick any of those things, too.
**[06:39] Employee**
Hey!
**[06:46] Oso**
He shooed us away.
**[06:48] Ichi**
That's our fault.
**[06:49] Jyushi**
Sorry.
**[06:50] Todo**
We need to find another place.
**[06:56] Oso**
Oh, I know.
**[06:57] Oso**
Why don't we go see some cherry blossoms?
**[06:59] Oso**
They've probably bloomed by now.
**[07:00] Todo**
Hey, that's a great idea!
**[07:02] Jyushi**
Let's throw a party! Yeah!
**[07:03] Kara**
What about the booze and snacks?
**[07:05] Ichi**
Should we all bring stuff?
**[07:06] Ichi**
Let's all do that and meet back up.
**[07:08] Jyushi**
Yay!
**[07:10] Kara**
And then I'll sing you all a song.
**[07:12] Ichi**
Don't. You'll kill the cherry blossoms.
**[07:16] Todo**
Nice. We can finally kill some time.
**[07:22] Choro**
Uh, yeah. We're gonna go see some
cherry blossoms. Can't wait.
**[07:28] Jyushi**
Let's go get some booze and snacks!
**[07:30] All**
Yeah!
**[07:31] Oso**
Let's meet back up at the park at 6 PM!
**[07:33] All**
Yeah!
**[07:38] Oso**
Like I have any money, though...
**[07:41] Oso**
Come on, someone treat me.
**[07:43] Oso**
I just want someone to treat
me for the rest of my life.
**[07:46] Riceballs**
Hello!
**[07:48] Shake**
I'm Salmon.
**[07:49] Ume**
I'm Pickled Plum.
**[07:50] Both**
We're the Riceballs.
**[07:51] Both**
Thanks for coming to see us today!
**[07:53] Ume**
Hey, Salmon-kun.
**[07:54] Oso**
Hey, it's the Riceballs.
**[07:55] Shake**
What is it, Pickled Plum-kun?
**[07:56] Guy**
Hey, you suck!
**[07:58] Guy**
Epic fail!
**[08:00] Guy**
You call yourselves comedians?
**[08:01] Guy**
Do something funny!
**[08:06] Both**
Piss off!
**[08:08] Some**
Save me!
**[08:13] Jyushi**
Booze and snacks...
**[08:16] Jyushi**
I'll just get some from Chibita!
***SIGN*** Hybrid
Oden
**[08:19] Jyushi**
Chibita!
**[08:22] Jyushi**
Huh?!
**[08:24] Jyushi**
Chibita?!
**[08:25] Jyushi**
Why are you dressed like that?!
**[08:28] Chibi**
Hey, Broke Bros.
**[08:31] Chibi**
I've been rollin' in the dough lately,
so I bought some stuff.
**[08:34] Jyushi**
Wh-What about your oden shop?
**[08:37] Jyushi**
And the maid thing?
**[08:38] Chibi**
That's all in the past, you idjit.
**[08:41] Chibi**
The next big thing's gonna be...
**[08:44] Chibi**
Cryptocurrency.
**[08:46] Jyushi**
C-Cryptocurrency? What's that?
**[08:48] Chibi**
It's basically imaginary money.
There ain't no money in the real world.
**[08:53] Chibi**
So you just imagine it in your mind!
**[08:56] Chibi**
I've got money! More and more of it!
**[08:58] Chibi**
And since it's imaginary, you just imagine
that you you keep getting money.
**[09:04] Jyushi**
But you actually haven't gotten
any more money, right?
**[09:06] Chibi**
That doesn't matter. It's imaginary.
**[09:08] Jyushi**
I see!
**[09:09] Chibi**
I've got savings for eternity!
**[09:11] Jyushi**
Sheer genius!
**[09:12] Chibi**
Jyushimatsu! You get into
cryptocurrency, too!
**[09:15] Jyushi**
Aye!
**[09:20] Chibi**
More! You need to imagine harder,
or you won't get any money!
**[09:26] Chibi**
Well? Can you see the money?
**[09:28] Jyushi**
I can't!
**[09:29] Chibi**
Imagine harder!
**[09:48] Kara**
How strange.
**[09:49] Kara**
A hot guy like me is clearly bored,
but no one's talking to me.
**[09:54] Kara**
What's going on?
**[09:55] Kara**
Why aren't you popular,
Karamatsu? How bizarre.
**[10:01] Kara**
What a big machine.
**[10:04] Kara**
That's exactly what I'm lacking right now.
**[10:06] Kara**
But I don't have any money.
**[10:08] Kara**
What are you going to do, Karamatsu?
**[10:10] Kara**
*Find a real job? A part-time one?*
**[10:13] Kara**
*I guess I could always try crowdfunding.*
**[10:16] Kara**
* But doing things the old-fashioned*
* way isn't fit for a star.*
**[10:19] Kara**
I'm gonna turn the tables!
***SIGN*** Lotto
**[10:36] Truck**
*Backing up. Please be careful.*
**[10:41] Ichi**
Where am I supposed to be?
**[10:44] Ichi**
Uh, I don't even smoke.
**[10:47] Lady**
He's creepy.
***SIGN*** Construction
50m Ahead
***SIGN*** Akatsuka Moving Company
**[10:51] Ichi**
Maybe I should just go home.
***SIGN*** Daiginjo Sakura 11,250 yen (tax included)
**[11:09] Hata**
Jo... jo, jo, jo...
**[11:11] Todo**
Huh?! Hatabou?!
**[11:13] Todo**
You're so tiny! But your flag's huge!
**[11:15] Todo**
What happened? You okay?
**[11:17] Hata**
My flag sucks up nutrients, jo.
**[11:19] Todo**
Your flag sucks up nutrients?
**[11:21] Todo**
Oh, no! Let's just yank it out!
**[11:23] Hata**
Jo.
**[11:36] Todo**
It's no use. I can't pull it out.
**[11:38] Todo**
Maybe I should try pushing instead.
**[11:42] Todo**
Hey, you're back to normal.
Guess that was the right answer.
**[11:45] Todo**
Ready, and...
**[11:51] Todo**
What?!
**[11:53] Todo**
Why the hell?!
**[11:54] Todo**
H-H-Hatabou! Stop!
***SIGN*** Akatsuka Driving School
**[11:59] Kara**
Oh? Totoko-chan?
***SIGN*** Spring Driving Safety Campaign
***SIGN*** Akatsuka Driving School
**[12:02] Kara**
You're going to driving school?
**[12:04] Toto**
Yeah. I figured it'd be
convenient to have a license.
**[12:07] Toto**
So I'm just gonna go do that!
**[12:09] Kara**
Sounds cool.
**[12:11] Toto**
I'm a much better driver now.
**[12:13] Toto**
Wanna see?
**[12:14] Kara**
Yeah, I sure do!
**[12:18] Kara**
You've got this, Totoko-chan!
**[12:21] Kara**
Ignition.
**[12:25] Toto**
I'm going to turn right.
**[12:28] Guy**
Look out!
***SIGN*** Akatsuka Driving School
**[12:32] Toto**
I'm going to make a sharp turn now.
**[12:40] Guy**
Wait, stop!
**[12:42] Guy**
Yowai-san!
**[12:44] Guy**
Yowai-san!
**[12:45] Guy**
Yowai-san?!
**[12:47] Guy**
Yowai-san!
**[12:50] Kara**
Look at those skills.
Way to go, Totoko-chan!
**[12:58] Kara**
Driver's permition.
***SIGN*** You free today?
***SIGN*** You have that chicken sandwich with the lemony tartar yet?
***SIGN*** Let's eat some meat
**[13:11] Todo**
* It doesn't matter how old I get.*
* I still keep looking...*
**[13:15] Todo**
*for Laputa.*
**[13:19] Todo**
A part-time job, huh?
**[13:20] Todo**
Hey, Totty, hey.
**[13:23] Todo**
Why not seriously look for once?
What do you want to do?
**[13:31] Todo**
Huh?!
**[13:34] Todo**
Wh-When did that happen?!
**[13:51] Jyushi**
Huh? What was I supposed to be doing again?
**[13:59] Oso**
Isn't it amazing? I actually
did what I said I'd do.
**[14:02] Oso**
Way to go, Big Bro! You're the best!
**[14:08] Oso**
Wait, you can't drink that now.
**[14:11] Oso**
No, don't.
**[14:15] Oso**
Hey!
**[14:18] Oso**
Hey, Osomatsu!
**[14:22] Oso**
And down the hatch.
**[14:26] Oso**
Huh? Iyami?
**[14:27] Iyami**
Anyone want any vaccines?
***SIGN*** Vaccines
**[14:30] Oso**
Vaccines? Seriously?
**[14:32] Oso**
Why do you have vaccines?
**[14:34] Iyami**
Me made them.
**[14:35] Oso**
Huh?!
***SIGN*** Vaccine
**[14:36] Oso**
Yikes, that looks shady...
**[14:39] Iyami**
It's been approved by the WHO.
**[14:41] Oso**
Says you.
**[14:42] Iyami**
The director gives his seal of approval.
**[14:44] Oso**
Says you.
***SIGN*** 1 bottle 30 yen
**[14:45] Iyami**
Want one? Me will give you a discount.
**[14:48] Oso**
Nope.
**[14:49] Iyami**
What?! No?!
**[14:52] Iyami**
You must be scared.
**[14:54] Iyami**
That makes me sad. Where'd your
soul as a comedic character go?
**[14:58] Iyami**
You call yourself a Showa era character?
An Akatsuka character?
**[15:01] Iyami**
Aw, you softened up so much. Okay, that's fine.
**[15:05] Iyami**
So me can take this as you giving up
the show mantle and the Akatsuka pride?
***SIGN*** Osomatsu! *The* Osomatsu!
**[15:15] Iyami**
Values himself over his comedy!
**[15:16] Iyami**
He won't drink it! He's not diving right in!
**[15:18] Iyami**
Is that what you're saying?! Huh?!
***SIGN*** Vaccine
**[15:36] Iyami**
Thank you, come again.
**[15:58] Iyami**
Sh-Sheeeh!
**[16:01] Iyami**
Sheeeh!
**[16:10] Deka**
Hoehtora!
**[16:11] Dayon**
Dayontora!
**[16:12] Both**
Space people!
**[16:15] Deka**
Hoehtora!
**[16:16] Dayon**
Dayontora!
**[16:18] Both**
Space people!
**[16:20] Ichi**
What are you doing?
**[16:21] Both**
We're calling a UFO.
**[16:23] Ichi**
Huh?
**[16:24] Deka**
Hoehtora!
**[16:25] Dayon**
Dayontora!
**[16:27] Both**
Space people!
**[16:28] Ichi**
Whoa, they actually came.
**[16:29] Dayon**
Yay! We did it!
**[16:39] Deka**
Hoehtora!
**[16:40] Dayon**
Dayontora!
**[16:41] Both**
Space people!
**[16:46] Deka**
Hoehtora!
**[16:47] Dayon**
Dayontora!
**[16:50] Deka**
Hoehtora!
**[16:52] Dayon**
Dayontora!
**[17:02] Deka**
Hoehtora!
**[17:03] Dayon**
Dayontora!
**[17:06] Deka**
Hoehtora!
**[17:07] Ichi**
Ichitora!
**[17:08] Dayon**
Dayontora!
***SIGN*** Used Car Dealership
**[18:00] Choro**
They're in full bloom!
**[18:15] Choro**
I wonder where they are.
Maybe they're not here yet.
**[18:22] Guy**
Oh, that's not true!
**[18:49] (Flashback) Toto**
Wait! You're going home, Choromatsu-kun?
**[18:52] (Flashback) Toto**
Why?
**[18:54] (Flashback) Choro**
If they show up, could you
tell them I went home?
**[18:59] (Flashback) Choro**
I'm just not up to it.
***SIGN*** Akatsuka Bath
**[19:21] Choro**
Wha?!
**[19:27] Choro**
Huh?
**[19:50] Choro**
Hey, why are you here?
What happened to the flower viewing?
**[19:53] Todo**
I mean, I sorta went...
**[19:55] Jyushi**
It's just...
**[19:56] Choro**
Huh?
**[20:01] Choro**
Huh?!
**[20:02] Ichi**
Well, you didn't go, either. Why?
**[20:06] Ichi**
What?
**[20:12] Oso**
Let's go again sometime.
**[20:15] Oso**
It's fine. We can go
whenever we feel like it.
**[20:22] Kara**
Well, yeah.
**[20:23] Todo**
Well, yeah.
**[20:24] Choro**
This was your bright idea to begin with.
**[20:27] Oso**
Wait, it was?
**[20:28] Choro**
Seriously. You never follow through.
**[20:32] Todo**
Did you all get the booze and snacks ready?
**[20:35] All**
No.
**[20:36] Todo**
Jerks.
**[20:37] Todo**
God, you're worthless.
**[20:38] Oso**
I got some! But I drank it!
**[20:41] Kara**
Why did you drink it?
**[20:42] jyushi**
So you got us stuff, Totty?
**[20:44] Todo**
Like hell I did!
**[20:45] Jyushi**
What?!
**[20:46] Todo**
Why would I?!
**[20:47] Jyushi**
Do something for once!
**[20:48] Todo**
You're all supposed to do that for me!
**[21:10] Choro**
Well, at least we were able
to kill some time again today.
**[21:13] All**
Yeah.
**[21:16] Six**
Sigh...
**[21:18] Six**
I wonder when something good will happen...
***SIGN*** Akatsuka Bath
**[21:24] Ichi**
Man, I'm starving.
**[21:27] Ichi**
I wonder what's for dinner tonight.
**[21:29] Oso**
Wanna play some mahjong after food?
**[21:31] Jyushi**
Good idea! Let's invite the Riceballs.
**[21:33] Kara**
Oh, yeah. Totoko-chan is
getting her driver's license.
**[21:37] Oso**
Wait, really? I'm gonna
get a ride from her first.
**[21:40] Choro**
Nyaa-chan's baby is so much bigger now.
**[21:43] Todo**
Hatabou's bigger now, too.
**[21:45] Jyushi**
As for me... I got into cryptocurrency.
**[21:49] Kara**
Huh?
**[21:50] Ichi**
I saw a UFO.
**[21:52] Choro**
Huh?
**[21:53] Todo**
Hey! Hey! Who the hell farted?!
**[21:56] Some**
God, that stinks!
***SIGN*** End
***SIGN*** Ending Card Illustration: Abiko Eiji
**[23:34] Oso**
You guys made it through
another season! Ready, and...
**[23:37] All**
Thank you very much!
**[23:40] Oso**
We hope to see you all
again someday! That's a wrap!
***SIGN*** See you again someday!
**[23:45] Some**
Good work, guys!
**[23:46] Some**
We're done!
**[23:48] Todo**
That was fun!
**[23:49] Ichi**
See you later.
**[23:49] Jyushi**
Bye, now! Bye-bye!
**[23:50] Some**
Great job!
**[23:50] Kara**
Good worknition.
**[23:51] Some**
Let's do this again!
**[23:51] Some**
Yeah, let's!