Season 2

E1 - Mr. Osomatsu Returns

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu Returns
[00:05] Nar
    Mr. Osomatsu returns!
[00:10] Osomatsu**
    It's an emergency!
[00:13] Osomatsu
    It's an emergency, I tell you!
[00:14] Osomatsu
    Karamatsu!
[00:15] Karamatsu
    Huh?
[00:16] Osomatsu
    Choromatsu!
[00:16] Choromatsu
    Hm?
[00:17] Osomatsu
    Ichimatsu!
[00:18] Ichimatsu
    Huh?
[00:18] Osomatsu
    Jyushimatsu!
[00:20] Jyushimatsu
    Huh?
[00:20] Osomatsu
    Todomatsu!
[00:21] Todomatsu
    Hm?
[00:22] Five
    What's the matter, Osomatsu-niisan?
[00:25] Osomatsu
    It's an emergency!
[00:26] Osomatsu
    Our anime that ended in March last year
[00:30] Osomatsu
    is starting up again today!
[00:31] Five
    What?!
[00:33] Karamatsu
    Is that really true, Osomatsu-niisan?!
[00:35] Osomatsu
    It is! Actually, it's already started!
[00:37] All
    Huh?
[00:40] Karamatsu
    He's right! We're on TV again!
[00:44] Todomatsu
    It's a miracle!
[00:45] Four
    Yay!
[00:47] Choromatsu
    I'm worried...
[00:48] Osomatsu
    What's the matter, Choromatsu?
[00:50] Choromatsu
    Well, our anime aired two years ago.
[00:54] Choromatsu
    I wonder if anyone even remembers us now.
[00:56] Choromatsu
    Did people actually wait for us?
[00:59] Osomatsu
    It'll be fine!
[01:00] Four
    Don't worry about it!
[01:02] Osomatsu
    If you're that worried, want to use this TV
    to see what our future selves are like?
[01:07] Choromatsu
    What? We can actually do that?
[01:09] Jyushimatsu
    Yeah! I wanna see!
[01:10] Todomatsu
    I can't wait to see what
    we're like as adults!
[01:13] Karamatsu
    It's so exciting!
[01:14] Osomatsu
    All right, guys, group up!
[01:17] Osomatsu
    All right, here we go. You guys ready?
[01:19] All
    Yeah!
[01:20] Osomatsu
    There! Our anime returns!
[01:24] All
    Returns!
[01:29] Nar
    Mr. Osomatsu, the TV anime.*
[01:32] Nar*
    It temporarily finished
    broadcasting in March, 2016,
[01:35] Nar
    having created a slight buzz
    and become slightly popular.
[01:39] Nar
    Now, a year and six months have passed.
[01:43] Chibita
    The hell... It's been so long.
[01:46] Chibita
    What've you been up to?
[01:49] Iyami
    What else?
[01:51] Iyami
    Me was vacationing in France.
[01:55] Chibita
    Huh... I see.
[01:57] Iyami
    Me is not a commoner like you.
[01:59] Chibita
    Really.
[02:00] Iyami
    You don't believe me, do you?!
[02:02] Iyami
    Here's the proof! Look, Trump Tower.
[02:05] Chibita
    That's not even France!
[02:07] Chibita
    Come to think of it, what are those idiots up to?
    Why don't we stop by their place?
[02:12] Iyami
    Knowing those idiots,
    me is sure nothing has changed.
SIGN    Matsuno Monthly Parking
[02:16] Iyami
    They're probably just lazing around with
    nothing to do and living meaningless lives—
[02:20] Iyami
    What?
[02:22] Chibita
    What?! What is this?!
[02:25] Chibita
    Is their house a lot bigger than it used to be?
[02:28] Chibita
    Has it been completely remodeled?!
[02:29] Iyami
    Seriously?!
[02:30] Chibita
    Look! Their front door has
    an automatic lock on it!
SIGN    Matsu
[02:33] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[02:34] Chibita
    Their house is solar-powered, you idjit!
[02:36] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
SIGN    Please Use Freely
[02:37] Chibita
    They even have Wi-fi!
[02:38] Iyami
    Sh-Sh-Sh-Sheeeh...
[02:40] Chibita
    Wh-What's going on with these changes?
[02:42] Chibita
    When the hell did they
    become this rich, you idjit?!
[02:45] Iyami
    Chibita, this must be it!
SIGN    66 Hour TV
[02:48] Chibita
    Huh? Wha...?
SIGN    Talk Show
SIGN    Special Guests: Matsuyo, Matuzou
[02:50] Chibita
    What the heck's going on?!
[02:51] Iyami
    Look over there, too!
[02:54] Chibita
    Could those people be their fans?
    Are they here to see them?
[02:57] Chibita
    The heck's going on?
    What in the world happened?
[03:00] Chibita
    This almost makes it seem like
    they're actually popular!
[03:03] Chibita
    What the hell's going on in this world?!
[03:05] Chibita
    Get a grip, world! Seriously, what the hell?!
[03:08] Chibita
    You idjits! Damn it!
[03:09] Iyami
    Wake up! We're talking about NEETs here!
[03:12] Chibita
    They're virgins!
[03:13] Iyami
    They're scum!
[03:13] Chibita
    Trash!
[03:14] Iyami
    Filth!
[03:14] Chibita
    Shi—
[03:19] Chibita
    I-It's no use... Their eyes
    are completely soulless.
[03:23] ---
    Sheeeh...
[03:24] Old
    What've we got here?
[03:26] Old
    What, you guys wanna go see them
    honorable Matsuno sextuplets?
[03:30] Iyami
    H-Honorable sextuplets?!
[03:32] Old
    Them honorable sextuplets
    got their one hit.
[03:35] Old
    Because they got their one hit,
    they were granted half-assed wealth and fame.
[03:40] Old
    Because of that, they're living the good
    life in an awfully half-assed way.
[03:43] Old
    Wanna go see them?
[03:55] Old
    Hey, whatcha doin'? Hurry it up.
[03:59] Old
    The honorable sextuplets are in
    the middle of their meet and greet.
[04:02] Old
    Make sure you don't get in their way.
[04:03] Iyami
    Meet and greet?
[04:07] Old
    Well, see ya.
[04:12] Chibita
    H-Hey, Osomatsu? Karamatsu?
[04:15] Chibita
    You here? Hey!
[04:18] Iyami
    Th-That's...
[04:19] Chibita
    Huh? The hell is that?!
[04:33] Osomatsu
    Hi. Here ya go.
[04:35] Osomatsu
    Yup. There.
SIGN    1 Handshake 200 yen
[04:37] Both
    Sheeeh!
[04:43] Karamatsu
    Yeah.
[04:44] Karamatsu
    There ya go. Yeah.
SIGN    1 Handshake 200 yen
[04:51] Choromatsu
    Yes, I see.
[04:52] Choromatsu
    Yes, indeed. Yup.
SIGN    1 Handshake 200 yen
[05:01] ---
    Keep your filthy hands away.
SIGN    1 Handshake 200 yen
[05:07] Jyushimatsu
    Yarp.
[05:10] Jyushimatsu
    Hi. Thanks.
[05:12] Jyushimatsu
    Hi.
SIGN    1 Handshake 200 yen
[05:17] Totty
    I'm Totty!
[05:19] Totty
    Aren't I cute?
SIGN    1 Handshake 200 yen
[05:23] Chibita
    They're so gross...
[05:25] Iyami
    Sheeeh...
[05:27] Osomatsu
    Hey, guys!
[05:32] Osomatsu
    It's been a while.
    You should've told us you were coming.
[05:35] Osomatsu
    We got, like, our one hit.
    I don't really get it, but we got super rich.
[05:42] Osomatsu
    So working is pretty much
    out of the question.
[05:45] Osomatsu
    We're living the high life.
    It's so much fun being alive.
[05:50] Choromatsu
    Yeah, like, sorry and stuff.
    We got super rich and became popular.
[05:55] Choromatsu
    It's so much fun being alive right now.
[05:57] Karamatsu
    Hey, here's Karamatsu-sama's
    new single. Take it.
SIGN    Jyushimatsu's Nummy Nums Gourmet
[06:04] Jyushimatsu
    Here. This is a cookbook I released.
[06:06] Jyushimatsu
    Want an autograph?
[06:08] Totty
    Ugh, this is so exhausting.
[06:10] Totty
    We have money, we're popular.
    It's exhausting to even breathe.
[06:18] Osomatsu
    Oh, yeah. Why don't we order
    some sushi for them?
[06:22] Choro
    Sushi? Sounds good. Yeah, it'll be our treat.
[06:24] Totty
    Here. Which set should we get?
[06:26] Osomatsu
    Well, the Matsu set, of course.
[06:30] Osomatsu
    We are Matsus, after all.
[06:36] Choromatsu
    B-Because we're Matsus!
[06:38] Totty
    The sushi set is called Matsu
    and we're Matsus, too!
[06:41] Karamatsu
    That's too funny!
[06:42] Jyushimatsu
    Your jokes are so funny!
[06:43] Ichimatsu
    No wonder we hit it big.
    No wonder we're popular.
[06:50] Mom
    What? Of course that won't do.
SIGN    Collaboration Proposal Room
[06:53] Mom
    There's no way our adorable sextuplets
    would do something so vulgar.
[06:58] Dad
    They're national stars now.
    What if that'll make people hate them?
SIGN    Proposal
[07:02] Mom
    No dirty jokes!
[07:02] Dad
    No being vulgar!
[07:03] Mom
    Nothing grotesque!
[07:04] Dad
    No more parodies!
SIGN    King General
[07:05] Mom
    Cuteness prevails!
[07:07] Dad
    Cuteness prevails!
SIGN    Matsu
[07:08] Mom
    My little sextuplets!
[07:09] Dad
    Our cute little sextuplets!
SIGN    Merchandise Production Room
[07:15] Totoko
    Okay! We've made some new merchandise
    for the little sextuplets!
[07:20] Totoko
    First... Ta-da!
[07:23] Totoko
    An Osomatsu-kun keyholder for 5,000 yen!
[07:25] Hatabou
    It's cute, jo.
[07:27] Totoko
    Next... Ta-da!
SIGN    Karamatsu
[07:29] Totoko
    A Karamatsu-kun sweatshirt for 10,000 yen!
[07:32] Hatabou
    Very well-made, jo.
[07:34] Totoko
    Ta-da! A Choromatsu-kun
    plushie for 30,000 yen!
[07:38] Hatabou
    I totally want it, jo.
[07:40] Totoko
    Ta-da! An Ichimatsu-kun
    figure set for 100,000 yen!
[07:43] Hatabou
    It'll be sold at a premium, jo.
[07:45] Buyer 1
    P-Pardon me.
[07:47] Buyer 1
    Er, uh... I have to wonder
    about the quality...
[07:52] Totoko
    Tch. Quality?
[07:55] Totoko
    Who the hell cares about quality?!
    If we put this crap out, it sells!
[07:59] Totoko
    Just put this crap out and sell it!
[08:01] Totoko
    We're just here to make a buck!
     Ain't nothin' better!
SIGN    Money
[08:05] Totoko
    I'm filthy rich because of those sextuplets!
[08:07] Hatabou
    Cash cows, jo.
[08:12] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[08:12] Chibita
    The hell?! You idjits! Damn it!
SIGN    A Dingy Cabaret
SIGN    Sake
[08:15] Dekapan
    We'll let you all in on a little secret.
[08:19] Dekapan
    Believe it or not, we're the ones who
    made that anime about those sextuplets.
[08:24] Dayon
    That was our achievement!
[08:29] Dekapan
    Do you want to meet the sextuplets?
[08:31] Dayon
    Well?
[08:40] Osomatsu
    Bring me more sake!
[08:48] Jyushimatsu
    Tastes great.
[08:52] Totty
    You're cute!
[08:54] Totty
    Oh, uggos can leave. Seriously.
SIGN    Choromatsu's Animation School
SIGN    Special Instructor
SIGN    Choromatsu-sensei has arrived!!
[09:02] Choromatsu
    Everyone, pay attention to me!
SIGN    The importance of bishojo in anime -What is "moe"? -The possibility of cowlicks Glasses-chans are... Younger...
SIGN    I'm late, I'm late!
[09:04] Choromatsu
    So with proper anime...
    the popular characters... Do you understand?
[09:11] Ichimatsu
    I'll think positively with
    peaceful love vibes, man...
[09:30] Osomatsu
    Man, we totally took over the whole country.
[09:33] Five
    Right?
[09:34] Osomatsu
    No one complains anymore.
[09:36] Five
    Right?
[09:37] Osomatsu
    Now our future is...
[09:39] Osomatsu
    secure!
[09:41] Five
    Secure!
[09:42] Osomatsu
    It's secure!
[09:44] Five
    Secure!
[09:45] Six
    This is how it should be!
[09:51] Mob
    The hell it is!
SIGN    Don't forgive those sextuplets!
SIGN    Die!
SIGN    Death to vulgar anime!
[09:53] Mob 2
    Who do you NEET virgins think you are?!
SIGN    KILL
SIGN    Divine punishment
[09:56] Mob 3
    Osomatsu-san, my ass!
SIGN    Vulgarity
[09:58] Mob
    Stop getting carried away!
[10:00] Mob 2
    Who do you think you are?!
[10:01] Karamatsu
    Hot! Hot!
[10:01] Mob 3
    Divine punishment!
[10:04] Mob 4
    How about you die?
[10:13] Chibita
    Well, yeah... We saw that coming.
[10:16] Chibita
    Aw, man... It's all over, you idjits.
[10:19] Iyami
    Over.
[10:26] Osomatsu
    Huh?
[10:28] Karamatsu
    Wha...?
[10:29] Todomatsu
    What was that?
[10:30] Choromatsu
    That's what our future's
    supposed to be like?
[10:33] Jyushimatsu
    We were all scum.
[10:35] Ichimatsu
    Yeah, there was only trash.
[10:39] Six
    What?!
[10:41] Choromatsu
    What was that?! Is that how we're
    going to end up in the future?!
[10:44] Jyushimatsu
    No!
[10:45] Jyushimatsu
    Anime over! It's over!
[10:47] Todomatsu
    We totally shouldn't do it anymore!
[10:49] Five
    Someone save us!
[10:50] Osomatsu
    C-Calm down, guys!
[10:52] Five
    Huh?
[10:53] Osomatsu
    We still have time!
[10:54] Osomatsu
    If we start working hard now,
[10:56] Osomatsu
    we can become a great anime
    that's loved by everyone!
[11:00] Ichimatsu
    Really, Osomatsu-niisan?
[11:02] Osomatsu
    Yeah, let's do our best.
[11:03] Osomatsu
    We're going to be reborn! Starting now!
[11:05] Five
    Got it!
[11:08] Nar
    And so the sextuplets decided to
    work hard and have a proper future.
[11:14] Osomatsu
    Let's do this properly...
[11:15] Choromatsu
    Properly.
[11:17] Ichimatsu
    We'll do this right.
[11:18] Jyushimatsu
    We'll work hard...
[11:20] Jyushimatsu
    ...and change...
[11:21] Karamatsu
    ...into a great anime...
[11:23] Todomatsu
    ...so that everyone will love us.
[11:25] Nar
    Then ten-odd years passed,
    and in the end...
[11:57] Wife
    Oh, good morning, darling.
[11:59] Daughter
    Morning, Daddy!
[12:01] Osomatsu
    Good morning.
[12:03] Wife
    Oh, goodness.
    You're spilling food everywhere.
[12:14] Osomatsu
    All right, I'll be off.
[12:16] Wife
    Osomatsu?
[12:20] Wife
    Have a good day.
[12:21] Osomatsu
    I will.
[12:27] Daughter
    Bye-bye, Daddy!
[12:31] Osomatsu
    I became... proper.
[12:34] Osomatsu
    Ever since then, I've worked properly
    and properly became great.
[12:37] Junior
    Chief Matsuno! Good morning!
[12:40] Osomatsu
    See? I'm doing this properly.
[12:43] Osomatsu
    Look. Properly.
[12:46] Osomatsu
    Yup.
[12:47] Osomatsu
    I'm doing it properly.
[12:51] Osomatsu
    I'm so proper.
[12:53] Osomatsu
    I'm doing it properly. This is amazing.
[12:57] Bg
    You can do it!
[12:58] Osomatsu
    I'm doing this properly!
[13:00] Osomatsu
    Go, me!
[13:05] Osomatsu
    And today, after so long,
    I'm finally reuniting with the other guys.
[13:11] Osomatsu
    I'm sure that they've become
    even more proper than I have.
[13:15] Karamatsu
    Yo, Osomatsu.
[13:17] Osomatsu
    You're... Karamatsu!
[13:21] Karamatsu
    It's been a while, Osomatsu.
[13:23] Osomatsu
    Wow, that's amazing! You grew up properly!
[13:27] Karamatsu
    Well, this isn't all.
[13:29] Osomatsu
    Huh?
[13:32] Osomatsu
    Wh-Who are those guys?
[13:37] Osomatsu
    What?!
[13:59] Karamatsu
    Mission complete.
[14:01] Osomatsu
    You're doing it properly!
    You're sci-fi now, Karamatsu?
[14:05] Osomatsu
    So you went that direction!
[14:06] Osomatsu
    Man, you've grown up so much!
[14:08] Karamatsu
    Well, I worked hard.
[14:10] Osomatsu
    I see! You're doing it properly!
[14:12] Totoko
    Osomatsu-niisan! Karamatsu-niisan!
[14:14] Choro
    It's been a while.
[14:16] Osomatsu
    Choromatsu! Totoko-chan!
[14:19] Karamatsu
    Oh, so you guys also properly...
[14:22] Choro (totoko)
    Have you been well, Osomatsu-kun?
[14:24] Osomatsu
    Huh?
[14:24] Totoko (choromatsu)
    How have you been, Karamatsu-niisan?
[14:26] Karamatsu
    Huh?
[14:28] Karamatsu
    C-Could it be that you two...
[14:30] Totoko
    That's right. My body and Totoko-chan's
     have been switched.
[14:35] Both
    They're doing it properly!
[14:37] Osomatsu
    Boys and girls switching bodies?
    You guys are doing it so properly!
[14:41] Karamatsu
    That'll be a hit! It'll be so popular!
[14:44] Karamatsu
    How'd you even switch bodies?
[14:46] Totoko
    We worked hard.
[14:47] Karamatsu
    Well done!
[14:48] Choromatsu
    We worked real hard.
[14:49] Karamatsu
    I see! That's great!
[14:50] Ichimatsu
    Guys!
[14:52] Four
    Ichimatsu?!
[14:56] Ichimatsu
    Guys, I'm going on a quest
    to find the mysterious temple
[15:01] Ichimatsu
    called Under the Pulse
    that's said to be under the sea.
[15:04] Ichimatsu
    But none of the adults in Heaven believe me.
    That's why I'm going to find it.
[15:09] Ichimatsu
    With my sword and my undying passion,
[15:11] Ichimatsu
    I'll put an end to this battle of the gods!
[15:14] Choro and totoko
    He's doing it properly!
[15:16] Choromatsu
    An adventure fantasy!
    There's no doubt about it!
[15:18] Choromatsu
    That's a hit in every generation!
[15:20] Totoko
    You've grown up so much!
[15:22] Ichimatsu
    Well, I worked hard.
[15:23] Totoko
    I see.
[15:24] Jyushimatsu
    Hey, guys!
[15:27] Five
    Jyushimatsu!
[15:44] Ichimatsu
    He's doing it properly!
[15:46] Ichimatsu
    You went 3D? That's so great!
[15:50] Jyushimatsu
    I worked hard!
[15:51] Ichimatsu
    I see.
[15:53] Todomatsu
    Hey, hey!
[15:54] Six
    Todomatsu!
[15:58] Jyushimatsu
    He's doing it properly!
[16:01] Totty
    I'm Totty.
[16:02] Totty
    Sorry to keep you all waiting!
[16:04] Jyushimatsu
    Live action, huh?
    So that's the final form...
[16:07] Karamatsu
    We've developed in so many ways.
[16:09] Osomatsu
    You're all amazing!
    I almost didn't recognize you!
[16:12] Osomatsu
    We're all doing this properly!
[16:19] Bg
    We're doing it properly!
[16:21] ---
    We're proper, all right!
[16:24] Iyami
    Sheeeh! It's not over yet!
[16:28] Osomatsu
    That's...
[16:33] Iyami
    I'll be the one to rule over this world!
[16:36] Chibita
    Everyone who resists will be killed, you idjits.
[16:42] Jyushimatsu
    There you are, proper enemy!
[16:44] Osomatsu
    All right, let's defeat him!
[16:46] Five
    Yeah!
[16:47] Six
    Let's go!
[16:56] Osomatsu
    Take off properly!
[16:58] Five
    Take off properly!
[17:00] Osomatsu
    A proper mecha!
[17:02] Five
    A proper mecha!
[17:04] Song
    We still can't get enough
[17:07] Song
    Of dreams, love, and desires
[17:09] Song
    It's not just all about justice and courage
[17:13] Osomatsu
    Transform properly!
[17:15] Five
    Transform properly!
[17:15] ---
    The established regularity
    of the world will sustain us
[17:18] Osomatsu
    Combine properly!
[17:21] Five
    Combine properly!
[17:21] ---
    Unleash the proper power of the future
[17:32] ---
    Properly combine
[17:35] Osomatsu
    A proper ultimate attack!
[17:35] ---
    Properly, yeah, yeah
[17:37] ---
    We'll change everything
    ourselves if we have to
[17:37] Five
    A proper ultimate attack!
[17:41] Chibita
    The hell?! You idjits! Damn it!
[17:43] ---
    We're going to get our hands on a proper future
[17:49] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[17:49] ---
    With our proper lives
[17:51] Osomatsu
    We're having a proper momentary crisis!
[17:54] Five
    We're having a proper momentary crisis!
[17:56] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[18:02] Osomatsu
    But... we'll defeat him properly!
[18:03] ---
    Properly transform
[18:04] Five
    We'll defeat him properly!
[18:05] ---
    Properly run
[18:07] ---
    So we can take hold of our proper future
[18:08] Iyami
    Sh-Sheeeh!
[18:23] Osomatsu
    And then...
[18:25] Osomatsu
    We linger properly.
[18:28] Five
    We linger properly.
[18:34] Osomatsu
    We're so great!
[18:37] Five
    We're so great!
[18:40] Osomatsu
    We're perfect!
[18:42] Five
    We're perfect!
[19:02] Nar
    And so the sextuplets
    successfully became proper,
[19:06] Nar
    and were reborn into a proper,
    wonderful anime.
SIGN    To Be Continued
[19:11] Nar
    Please look forward to
    next week's episode, too.
[19:25] Osomatsu
    All right! Let's continue to work hard!
[19:27] Osomatsu
    That way, our future will be...
[19:29] Osomatsu
    secure!
[19:31] Five
    Secure!
[19:32] Osomatsu
    Secure!
[19:34] Five
    Secure!
[19:35] Osomatsu
    This is how...
[19:36] All
    ...it should be!
SIGN    Kill the Matsu!
[19:38] Guy
    The hell you're being proper,
    you shitty anime!
[19:41] Mob
    You're wrong!
[19:42] Mob
    What do you mean, "proper"?!
[19:44] Mob
    Get a grip, you pieces of trash!
[19:46] Nar
    And so the sextuplets were
    shit if they got big heads...
[19:49] Nar
    and they were shit even if
    they did things properly.
[19:52] Nar
    They wandered into a labyrinth
    with absolutely no exit.
[19:56] Nar
    And then...
[19:58] Nar
    they became adults
[20:00] Nar
    without ever figuring out what they
    should do, or where they should go.
[20:08] Todomatsu
    No, no, no...
[20:09] Jyushimatsu
    No, no, no...
[20:10] Ichimatsu
    No, no, no, no, no...
[20:11] Choromatsu
    No, no, no...
[20:12] Karamatsu
    No, no, no...
[20:13] Osomatsu
    No, no, no, no...
[20:19] Choromatsu
    No, seriously! What are we supposed to do?!
[20:21] Choromatsu
    We didn't change at all in the end!
[20:23] Choromatsu
    There's an episode next week, too!
[20:25] Osomatsu
    Well, um, you know...
[20:29] Osomatsu
    We basically don't have a future.
[20:34] Nar
    After this and that,
[20:37] Nar
    their story is about to begin once again.
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Super Detergent" etc.
[23:44] Osomatsu
    Heya! We should at least do the
    next episode preview properly.
[23:46] Osomatsu
    Here's the first one for next week!
    It's finally g—
SIGN    Please Watch Again!!

E2 - Super Detergent

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "Congratulations!
    Employment!!"
[01:47] Osomatsu
    U-Um...
[01:48] Dad
    NEETS!
[01:50] Dad
    Do you understand what's going on?
    Your mother and I are very angry with you.
[01:54] Mom
    Yes, we're getting annoyed.
[01:56] Dad
    Yes, we're getting annoyed.
[01:59] Dad
    Osomatsu!
[02:01] Dad
    Tell us why we're so angry.
[02:04] Osomatsu
    Huh? Uh, well...
[02:07] Osomatsu
    Did we do anything to make you mad?
[02:11] Osomatsu
    Um... Oh! Because we're virgins?
[02:14] Dad
    Dear?
[02:15] Mom
    Yup.
[02:27] Mom
    Your nipples are gone, Osomatsu.
[02:29] Dad
    I'm beginning to like this, dear.
[02:30] Mom
    I am, too, dear.
[02:32] Dad
    Ichimatsu.
[02:33] Dad
    What about you?
[02:35] Dad
    Have you done anything to upset us?
[02:40] Mom
    Well? Can you think of anything?
[02:44] Ichi
    Oh, I got it.
[02:46] Ichi
    The tuna cans.
[02:48] Ichi
    The cans of tuna stocked under the sink.
[02:50] Ichi
    You must be mad because I gave one
    of them to a stray cat without asking.
[02:55] Ichi
    Sorry.
[02:55] Dad
    Dear?
[02:56] Mom
    Yup.
[03:00] Mom
    No, that's not it at all.
[03:01] Dad
    Definitely not it. Next, Jyushimatsu.
[03:05] Dad
    What about you?
[03:08] Jyushimatsu
    B-Because we aren't working.
[03:10] Dad
    Oyo?
[03:10] Mom
    Oyoyo?
[03:11] Jyushimatsu
    Because even though we're adults
    well over twenty, we're still unemployed.
[03:16] Jyushi
    Sorry! So sorry!
[03:17] Jyushi
    So sorry about that!
[03:19] Dad
    So long as you understand, Jyushimatsu.
[03:22] Mom
    Thank goodness. I'm relieved.
[03:25] Choro
    Thank goodness.
[03:27] Kara
    You saved us.
[03:28] Todo
    Nice, Jyushimatsu-niisan.
[03:29] Dad
    And?
[03:30] Four
    Huh?
[03:30] Dad
    And when are you going to start working?
[03:33] Jyushimatsu
    Oh... Uh...
[03:35] Jyushi
    In about five years, I think.
[03:37] Dad
    Dear?
[03:37] Mom
    Yup.
[03:40] Three
    No!
[03:42] Mom
    So close.
[03:43] Dad
    Karamatsu.
[03:45] Dad
    What about you? When are you
    going to start working?
[03:47] Kara
    I'm going to start today, of course.
[03:49] Dad
    Oyo?
[03:50] Mom
    Oyoyo?
[03:51] Kara
    But of course.
[03:53] Kara
    We've lived so long in obscurity...
[03:55] Kara
    But it appears the time has come to show
    the world what we're truly made of!
[03:59] Kara
    Job hunting? Very well, I accept!
[04:02] Kara
    I won't run away! Nay, I will not run away!
[04:05] Kara
    Behold my awakened form and watch
    over me, Mommy and Dadd—
[04:11] Mom
    I respect your resolve,
    but the way you talk pisses me off.
[04:15] Dad
    What about you, Todomatsu?
[04:17] Dad
    What kind of job are you
    going to be starting today?
[04:20] Dad
    Todomatsu.
[04:23] Mom
    Totty.
[04:28] Todo
    Hell if I know, you morons.
[04:31] Todo
    I don't know!
[04:33] Todo
    I don't want to experience anything
    bothersome ever in my whole life.
[04:37] Todo
    Bye.
[04:39] Choro
    He did it himself?!
[04:41] Choro
    How beautiful!
[04:42] Dad
    Well, see you, Choromatsu.
[04:45] Dad
    We're leaving the rest up to you.
[04:47] Mom
    We're counting on you, Choromatsu.
[04:57] Oso
    The hell? What the hell was all that about?
[05:00] Oso
    Is the fact that we aren't
    looking for jobs that bad?
[05:03] Todo
    Our parents are so selfish! They could
    afford to take care of us a little longer!
[05:07] Jyushi
    Give us back our nipples!
[05:09] Oso
    What's the matter, Choromatsu?
[05:11] Choro
    Why was I the only one spared?
[05:13] Oso
    Ah, the violence known as
    "expectation." Must be rough.
[05:19] Choro
    This is all your fault!
[05:20] Oso
    Huh?
[05:21] Choro
    It's because you, the eldest,
    can't get his shit together
[05:24] Choro
    that it's all come down to me!
[05:26] Oso
    Oh, no. I've successfully kept running
    away from all that stuff this whole time.
[05:30] Oso
    Things are finally starting to pan out.
[05:33] Oso
    Our parents are starting to give up on me.
[05:35] Choro
    Huh?!
[05:35] Todo
    That's some way to look at it...
[05:37] Oso
    Let me tell you that anyone
    can become a failure...
[05:41] Oso
    but it takes hard work to
    become a piece of shit.
[05:43] Choro
    The hell are you talking about?!
[05:44] Oso
    Ow! I'm against violence!
[05:46] Todo
    Ow! Why me?!
[05:48] Kara
    Why you?!
[05:53] Choro
    Seriously, we just need to start working.
[05:55] Choro
    At this rate, we're really
    going to get kicked out.
[05:58] Ichi
    Let's die.
[06:02] Todo
    Then why don't we try streaming?
[06:04] Five
    Streaming?
[06:05] Todo
    Yup. We'll all take videos of something
    and upload them to the internet.
SIGN    Totty
     Channel
[06:08] Todo
    If we can get enough views,
    it'll turn into money.
[06:10] Five
    Huh...
[06:11] Todo
    Wait, you've never heard of it? I'm shocked.
[06:13] Oso
    Uh, I'm more amazed that
    you have your own channel.
[06:17] Choro
    Streaming, huh...
    That might not be a bad idea.
[06:20] Kara
    That sounds like something we can do.
[06:22] Jyushi
    Easy peasy!
[06:23] Oso
    Let's give it a shot.
[06:25] Ichi
    No, let's die.
[06:27] Todo
    Okay. You can start at any time.
[06:30] Choro
    It's already going?
[06:32] Todo
    Yup. We're currently streaming worldwide.
[06:36] Oso
    Hey, I'm Osomatsu!
[06:38] Oso
    Let's have some oden with a ton of mustard!
[06:40] Todo
    Wait, seriously?!
[06:41] Oso
    Let's dig... in!
[06:46] Jyushi
    I'm Jyushimatsu!
    I'm gonna do something funny.
[06:50] Jyushi
    I'm Odenman!
[06:52] Kara
    So you've shown yourself,
    Odenman! Take this!
[06:55] Kara
    Nipple Beam!
[06:57] Jyushi
    Aiyee! Stop!
[06:58] Jyushi
    Save me, Completely Naked Man!
[06:59] Ichi
    Huh?
[07:00] Ichi
    You called?
[07:01] Oso
    Hey, no fair! I'm gonna be
    Completely Naked Man too, then!
[07:04] Kara
    No fair! Completely Naked Man!
[07:06] Jyushi
    Yeah! Completely Naked Man!
[07:08] Choro
    You somehow always end up
    with your clothes off...
[07:14] Totty
    Hey, everyone! I'm Totty!
[07:16] Totty
    I'm currently looking for a girlfriend!
[07:17] Oso
    Hey! Why are you trying to be all popular?!
[07:21] Totty
    I have no idea who these people are.
[07:23] Oso
    Hey!
[07:24] Kara
    Hey, do something, Choromatsu.
[07:25] Ichi
    What? You're gonna eat
    oden through your ass?
[07:28] Oso
    Seriously?!
[07:28] Choro
    Like I could! Wait, stop, hey!
[07:30] Choro
    It's not possible! Hey!
[07:36] Oso
    Cheers!
[07:38] All
    Cheers!
[07:40] Oso
    Man... We finally got a job.
[07:43] Choro
    Yeah, we totally did.
[07:45] Kara
    So starting today,
    our job will be streaming. Not bad.
[07:49] Todo
    We finally found a steady job!
[07:50] Jyushi
    We're gonna make money!
[07:51] Ichi
    We'll show them...
[08:09] Choro
    So cold.
[08:11] Choro
    Hey, guys. Hey!
[08:14] Ichi
    I'm thirsty...
[08:16] Oso
    Totty.
[08:18] Oso
    How many views did we get?
[08:20] Oso
    100K? A million?
[08:23] Todo
    Let's see...
[08:24] Todo
    Oh. Looks like we got reported.
SIGN    Video not found
[08:27] Todo
    Our video's been deleted.
[08:28] Five
    Huh?
[08:33] Oso
    What the hell? We're already out of a job?
[08:37] Kara
    And after we finally found a job, too...
[08:43] Todo
    Well, you know. Working is hard and stuff.
[08:46] Choro
    It's not something you can
    do so easily after all.
[08:54] Oso
    Guess we have no choice.
    We're gonna have to do this for real.
[08:57] All
    Huh?
[08:58] Oso
    Let's show them...
    exactly what we're made of.
[09:04] All
    Yeah!
SIGN    Employment Office
SIGN    Consultation Corner
[09:47] Guy
    Yeah, that's not happening.
[09:49] Six
    What?!
[09:50] Oso
    Why not?! We just lost our jobs!
SIGN    Let's live happily!
[09:53] Oso
    You get unemployment when
    you lose your job, right?!
[09:55] Guy
    Please leave.
[09:56] Choro
    It's true! We got a job yesterday,
    and lost it this morning!
[10:00] Guy
    Leave.
[10:01] Kara
    That's messed up, Japan!
[10:02] Guy
    You're the ones who are messed up.
[10:03] Todo
    The heck's wrong with you, Japan?!
[10:05] Guy
    What's wrong with all of you?
[10:06] Both
    What? We can't get unemployment?
[10:09] Oso
    This is so messed up!
[10:10] Guy
    You're the ones who are messed up!
[10:11] Six
    Die, Japan!
[10:13] Guy
    All of you can die!
SIGN    Comments
SIGN    [Hell] NEET Sextuplets Gone Wild Stream Employment Office
SIGN    Viewing:
SIGN    End
[10:21] Chibita
    Holy crap.
SIGN    "Super Detergent"
[10:32] Iyami
    There's a party today!
[10:34] Iyami
    Me wonders if there's a cutie
    there befitting of me.
[10:37] Iyami
    Bonjour, mademoiselle!
[10:40] Iyami
    Beautiful flowers have thorns...
[10:42] Iyami
    It appears that me has been
    pricked by one of those thorns.
[10:44] Iyami
    "Oh, Iyami-san!" Just kidding!
[10:54] Boy
    Sorry, Mister.
[10:55] Boy
    Could you get our ball?
[10:57] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[11:03] Boy
    What the heck was that for?
[11:05] Iyami
    This is how the world works.
    Me hopes you learned something.
[11:10] Iyami
    Sh-Sh-Sheeeh!
[11:13] Iyami
    Me can't go to the party now...
[11:16] Iyami
    It won't come off. Me won't make it in time.
[11:20] Deka
    No need to worry.
[11:23] Deka
    Just a moment.
[11:24] Deka
    That's strange... I'm sure I put
    it next to this gold ball...
[11:27] Deka
    Oh, I remember!
[11:30] Iyami
    It stinks!
[11:31] Deka
    This is a magical detergent that gets rid
    of any stubborn stain in an instant.
[11:37] Deka
    It's super detergent.
[11:39] Iyami
    Super detergent?
[11:41] Deka
    You pour this on a stain,
    like this, and then...
[11:44] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[11:47] Deka
    And just like that, it's gone!
[11:49] Deka
    Nothing on the market can compare!
[11:52] Deka
    But you need to be careful.
    It's very potent.
[11:56] Deka
    If you use it the wrong way,
    it could be very dangerous...
[11:59] Deka
    Oh?
[12:03] Iyami
    Now me will make it in time for the party!
[12:05] Iyami
    This must be because me
    is always such a good boy!
[12:07] Oso
    Hey, it's Iyami.
[12:09] Iyami
    Sheeeh! Of all people...
[12:11] Oso
    Whatcha doin'?
[12:12] Iyami
    Oh, hello, Todomatsu.
[12:14] Oso
    I'm Osomatsu.
[12:15] Iyami
    Ah, hello, Jyushimatsu.
[12:17] Oso
    I said I'm Osomatsu.
    You seriously don't remember, do you?
[12:20] Todo
    Are you headed somewhere?
    You look fancy today.
[12:24] Iyami
    M-Me is just on a walk.
[12:26] Kara
    A walk? Are you sure?
[12:29] Iyami
    Just on a walk...
SIGN    Matsu
[12:30] Ichi
    Really?
[12:31] Iyami
    A walk! Me is very busy, you know!
[12:42] Iyami
    Sheeeh! Stop following me!
[12:45] Choro
    You're acting suspicious.
    You're going somewhere, aren't you?
[12:47] Ichi
    You said yourself that you're busy,
    so you're not on a walk.
[12:53] Oso
    Well? Iyami-kun?
[12:59] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[13:00] Six
    Hey! Wait up!
SIGN    Crystal
SIGN    All Japan
    Overbite General Meeting
[13:12] Iyami
    Wow, you must be rich!
[13:14] Ichi
    So good.
[13:15] Jyushi
    So good! This salmon is awesome!
[13:18] Kara
    There's even champagne, Totty.
[13:19] Totty
    Thanks.
[13:20] Choro
    What the heck? I guess we don't
    need to work to eat like this.
[13:24] Oso
    Yeah, no kidding.
[13:26] Iyami
    Sheeeh...
[13:30] Iyami
    Wh-Where's the bathroom?
[13:32] Kara
    Oh? I've spotted a tasty-looking adult beverage.
[13:35] Jyushi
    Wanna try it?
[13:40] Ichi
    Come on, you maggots.
    You want to drink mine, don't you?
[13:44] All
    Yes, sir, we do!
[13:46] Ichi
    What are we drinking, anyway?
[13:47] Kara
    I'm too drunk to tell.
[13:53] Oso
    Well, see ya, Iyami.
[13:54] All
    Bye-bye!
[13:57] Iyami
    They aren't human...
[14:01] Iyami
    Where's the detergent?! Where'd it go?
[14:04] Iyami
    Sh-Sh-Sheeeh?
SIGN    Crystal
[14:10] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[14:13] Oso
    Man, we're drunk.
[14:15] Choro
    We sure are.
[14:16] Jyushi
    It was yummy!
[14:17] Ichi
    I'm glad to be alive.
[14:19] Kara
    I'm so full.
[14:20] Totty
    What am I going to do if I get fat?
[14:22] Kara
    Hey, come on, Jyushimatsu.
    You're way too drunk.
[14:25] Jyu
    Huh?
[14:26] Kara
    You're so drunk, look...
[14:27] Kara
    You're becoming see-through.
[14:29] Jyu
    Huh? Oh, you're right.
    I'm becoming see-through.
[14:33] Todo
    Well, so are you, Karamatsu-niisan.
[14:36] Ichi
    You are, too, Totty.
[14:37] Todo
    Huh?
[14:38] Todo
    What?! When did this happen?!
[14:46] Kara
    What the hell? What's going on?
[14:48] Jyushi
    Why? Why's my body see-through?!
[14:51] Oso
    Huh?! What is this?
[14:53] Ichi
    What's going on?
[14:55] Choro
    We're becoming even more invisible!
    We're becoming even more invisible!
[14:58] Jyu
    Are we just going to disappear like this? No!
[15:02] Kara
    We're becoming invisible!
[15:03] Oso
    We're becoming invisible!
[15:04] Ichi
    We're becoming invisible!
[15:05] Todo
    We're becoming invisible!
[15:11] Six
    Huh?
[15:13] Both
    We didn't become completely invisible!
[15:15] Kara
    Why?! It just stopped!
[15:17] Todo
    What's going on?!
[15:18] Todo
    Shouldn't this end up with us
    becoming completely invisible,
[15:21] Todo
    spying on some girl in the bath,
SIGN    Hot Springs
[15:23] Todo
    the invisibility suddenly wearing off,
    and us panicking?
[15:25] Todo
    Isn't that the usual pattern?!
[15:28] Ichi
    Why did it stop halfway?
    This is just inconvenient.
[15:32] Oso
    Holy crap, this is annoying!
[15:34] All
    So annoying!
[15:36] Todo
    Not to mention gross!
[15:37] Both
    Gross!
[15:39] Todo
    Hey, look! Osomatsu-niisan's organs...
[15:42] Todo
    Don't they look super sloppy?
    It's like they're not even trying...
[15:46] All
    Wow, you're right.
[15:48] Oso
    Hey! Stop looking at my organs!
[15:50] Oso
    It's embarrassing somehow...
[15:51] Choro
    Now look at my excellent
    organs in comparison!
[15:56] Todo
    Wow! They're really well-arranged!
[15:58] Todo
    They almost look like a display.
[16:00] Ichi
    But isn't that kinda boring?
[16:02] Choro
    Huh?
[16:03] Jyushi
    Yeah. Your organs are really
    boring, Choromatsu-niisan.
[16:06] Choro
    I'm not quite sure why
    I'm being attacked here...
[16:09] Kara
    Here's how mine look.
[16:11] Oso
    Why is your heart a disco ball?!
[16:13] Todo
    What the hell?!
[16:14] Kara
    Haha!
[16:16] Choro
    What about you, Jyushimatsu?
[16:17] Jyushi
    Me?
[16:18] Jyshi
    This is what mine look like.
[16:20] Todo
    Whoa! His organs are laughing!
[16:22] Kara
    What's going on?!
[16:23] Choro
    Even his organs are Jyushimatsu!
[16:24] Kara
    What's going on?!
[16:26] Jyushi
    I wonder what that means!
[16:27] Todo
    Mine are normal.
[16:29] Ichi
    Oh. You're right.
[16:32] Choro
    No, wait! He doesn't have a heart!
[16:34] Four
    What?!
[16:36] Oso
    He has no heart!
[16:37] Oso
    Where did you drop your
    precious heart, Todomatsu?!
[16:40] Todo
    Oh, you're right!
[16:41] Todo
    This is hilarious!
[16:42] Ichi
    H-He's smiling...
[16:43] Choro
    I knew he was heartless, but...
[16:46] Oso
    What about Ichimatsu?
[16:47] Ichi
    Huh? Don't worry about mine...
[16:49] Choro
    No! Show us!
[16:51] Todo
    Ichimatsu-niisan!
[16:51] Oso
    Show us, Ichimatsu!
[16:55] Ichi
    S-Stop...
[16:57] Todo
    Whoa, what is this?
SIGN    Caution: Fragile
[17:00] Todo
    So delicate...
[17:02] Oso
    He's always emitting a dark aura,
[17:04] Oso
    but maybe he just gets hurt really easily.
SIGN    Caution: Fragile
[17:07] Oso
    Holy crap, it cracked! I'm so sorry!
[17:11] Oso
    But, man... I know we're sextuplets,
    but I guess we really are all different.
[17:17] Todo
    Yeah...
[17:18] Four
    Yeah...
[17:22] Choro
    Wait, seriously! What are we gonna do?!
[17:24] Choro
    "We really are all different," my ass!
[17:26] Choro
    What are we going to do?
    We can't live like this!
[17:28] Todo
    Well, we can't go out looking like this.
[17:31] Kara
    I don't mind going out looking like this.
[17:33] Choro
    You don't.
[17:35] Oso
    What should we do?
[17:37] Jyushi
    Hey, guys.
[17:39] Jyushi
    Wanna paint ourselves with paint?
[17:41] All
    Good idea!
[17:44] Jysuhimatsu
    Do a good job.
[17:45] Oso
    Stay still.
[17:46] Todo
    We need to paint his clothes, too.
[17:48] All
    There! All done!
[17:53] Jyushi
    Huh?! Do I look this bad?!
[17:55] Five
    Yeah.
[17:57] Jyushi
    I look like this?!
[17:58] Five
    Yup.
[17:59] Jyushi
    This bad?!
[18:00] Five
    That bad.
[18:01] Jyushi
    That's not good!
[18:02] Five
    Nope.
[18:03] Ichi
    I-If you would...
[18:04] Jyushi
    Ichimatsu-niisan is so easy to draw!
[18:07] Kara
    He's got something that stands out.
[18:09] Five
    Okay! All done!
[18:13] Ichi
    Wait, do I seriously look this bad?
[18:15] Five
    Yeah.
[18:16] Ichi
    I look like this?
[18:17] Five
    Yup.
[18:19] Ichi
    This bad?
[18:19] Five
    That bad.
[18:21] Ichi
    That's not good.
[18:22] Five
    Nope.
[18:24] Kara
    I'm counting on you, Totty.
    Recreate my coolness.
[18:27] Todo
    Yeah, sure.
[18:29] Todo
    I'm done.
[18:32] Kara
    Totty! Draw me properly!
[18:35] Todo
    Well, we can tell it's you,
    right? That's plenty, isn't it?
[18:37] Kara
    You need to have more interest in others!
[18:39] Oso
    Todomatsu! You need to draw him properly.
[18:41] Oso
    Look at how I drew Choromatsu!
    Isn't it perfect?
SIGN    Fappy
[18:46] Todo
    It's perfect! That's totally Choromatsu-niisan!
[18:50] Choro
    Hey! You shitty eldest brother!
[18:53] Jyushi
    Who's next? Totty?
[18:55] Totty
    Oh, I'm fine. I'll draw myself.
[18:57] Kara
    Don't be like that. I'll draw you.
[18:59] Totty
    Don't touch me. I'll do it.
[19:01] Kara
    Huh?
[19:03] Totty
    Okay, all done!
[19:06] Totty
    I'm Totty!
[19:07] All
    Gross!
[19:09] Choro
    Did your eyelashes always look like that?
[19:10] Totty
    My potential is on another level.
[19:12] Kara
    Good grief. You love yourself
    entirely too much, Todomatsu.
[19:15] Ichi
    Did that just come out of your mouth?!
[19:17] Jyushi
    Osomatsu-niisan is the only one left.
[19:19] Oso
    Hurry, hurry! Why am I last, anyway?
[19:22] Jyu
    Here we go.
[19:23] Oso
    Okay!
[19:26] Oso
    Huh? What's wrong?
[19:28] Oso
    Hurry up and draw me.
SIGN    Fappy
[19:30] Todo
    Well...
SIGN    Fappy
[19:33] Todo
    We can't remember what your face looks like.
[19:35] Four
    Yeah...
[19:36] Oso
    What?! What's that supposed to mean?
[19:38] Todo
    Wait, what did Osomatsu-niisan look like?
[19:42] Oso
    Wait, wait, wait, wait!
[19:43] Choro
    He's too normal...
SIGN    Fappy
[19:46] Oso
    Hey! Don't call me normal!
[19:46] Kara
    He doesn't have any distinguishing features.
[19:48] Oso
    Hey!
[19:49] Ichi
    He's so obscure...
[19:50] Oso
    Hey!
[19:51] Todo
    He's just so plain...
[19:52] Oso
    Don't use the word "plain"!
[19:54] Jyushi
    Basically, he doesn't stand out.
[19:56] Oso
    Stop it!
[19:57] Oso
    Just hurry up and draw me, damn it!
[19:59] Todo
    Well, I guess anything works.
[20:00] Oso
    No, it doesn't work! Draw me properly!
[20:02] Choro
    Okay, okay. I guess when
    it comes down to it,
[20:04] Choro
    we just have to draw him to look
    like a stupid, pervy piece of shit, right?
[20:08] Todo
    Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
    Not a failure, but a piece of shit.
[20:11] Oso
    No, really. You don't need to
    joke right now. Just draw me!
[20:15] Five
    We're done!
SIGN    Fappy
[20:18] Todo
    Yeah, he definitely looks like a
    stupid, pervy, trashy, piece of shit.
[20:21] Oso
    Just you wait, you bastards...
[20:26] Oso
    Wait, this actually looks like me!
SIGN    Fappy
[20:29] Oso
    This isn't even a punchline!
[20:30] Oso
    I actually look like this!
[20:32] Choro
    Huh? Is that what you look like,
    Osomatsu-niisan?
[20:34] Oso
    Yeah, this is pretty much what I look like!
[20:36] Oso
    Why is it that when you draw
    me as a stupid, pervy
[20:38] Oso
    piece of shit, it actually looks like me?!
[20:40] Ichi
    Spitting image? Thank goodness.
[20:42] Oso
    Screw you guys!
[20:46] Mom
    Shut up, you stupid NEETS!
    What do you think you're doing?!
SIGN    Fappy
[20:50] Mom
    I'm watching my DVDs right now. Quiet down!
[20:54] Mom
    Honestly...
[20:55] Choro
    Huh? Mom?
[20:57] Mom
    What?
SIGN    Fappy
[20:58] Choro
    Er, uh... Haven't you noticed anything?
[21:02] Choro
    Isn't there something strange about us?
SIGN    Fappy
[21:05] All
    Yeah, yeah.
[21:09] Mom
    Not really.
SIGN    Fappy
[21:10] All
    Huh?
[21:11] Dad
    Hey, what's the matter?
[21:13] Six
    Dad!
[21:14] Choro
    Hey, do you notice anything
    strange about us?
[21:20] Dad
    What do you mean?
[21:23] Totoko
    What? Something different?
[21:26] Totoko
    Not really.
[21:28] Hata
    Jo? You're the same as usual, jo.
[21:31] Dayon
    Nothing's strange at all!
SIGN    Fappy
[21:36] Iyami
    Huh?
[21:37] Iyami
    You're the same as usual.
[21:39] Iyami
    From the right, Jyushimatsu,
    Ichimatsu, Karamatsu,
SIGN    Fappy
[21:43] Iyami
    Choromatsu, Todomatsu, and Osomatsu.
[21:47] Iyami
    Honestly...
[21:49] Kara
    Hey... No one's noticing...
[21:52] Jyushi
    Even though we look like this...
[21:53] Oso
    Which means this is how
    everyone usually sees us...
[21:58] Choro
    Hey! Don't say that!
SIGN    Fappy
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Totoko's Challenge" etc.
[23:49] Ichi
    Apparently they're airing
    this thing again next week.
[23:51] Ichi
    This anime just doesn't know
    when to give up, does it?

E3 - Totoko's Challenge

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Cavematsu-san
[00:08] All
    Cavematsu-san!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Choromatsu and Ichimatsu"
[05:00] Kara
    I'm gonna die.
[05:02] ---
    So gonna die.
[05:04] Jyu
    So hungry...
[05:06] Todo
    Hungry...
[05:07] Oso
    I'm starving. Someone make me some food.
[05:11] Kara
    Looks like this is the end of the line.
[05:14] Kara
    Goodbye, Karamatsu Girls.
[05:17] Choro
    Shut up!
[05:20] Choro
    This household is seriously
    the lowest of the low.
[05:24] Todo
    Hey, Choromatsu-niisan, I'm hungry.
[05:27] Choro
    Then go make something.
[05:29] Kara
    Where's Mommy?
[05:30] Choro
    Probably out somewhere.
[05:32] Jyushi
    Aw, but I'm hungry.
[05:34] Oso
    Oh, hey. I've got a great idea.
[05:36] Both
    Huh?
[05:38] Oso
    Why don't we go play some pachinko instead?
[05:41] ---
    Oh, I get it. Instead!
[05:43] Kara
    Pachinko instead, huh?
[05:45] Oso
    Isn't that more awesome instead?
[05:46] Jyushi
    It is awesome instead.
[05:48] Jyushi
    Huh?
[05:50] Jyu
    What about you, Ichimatsu-niisan?
[05:51] Ichi
    Not going.
[05:52] Jyu
    Why?
[05:53] Ichi
    I'll pass for today. Besides,
    if I go, you're going to lose.
[05:57] Ichi
    You want that?
[05:57] Jyu
    Keep an eye on the house.
[06:00] Choro
    Honestly...
[06:08] Choro
    Wait, is Ichimatsu the only one left?
[06:10] Ichi
    I'm stuck with him? Seriously?
[06:13] Choro
    I let my guard down. This is a rare
    pairing that never really happens.
[06:18] Ichi
    I don't know what to say.
    I don't hate him or anything, but like...
[06:24] Ichi
    It's just super awkward.
[06:26] Choro
    This is like that one pattern...
[06:30] Choro
    When we're all together, we can joke
    around about the dumbest things.
[06:37] Choro
    And then suddenly... It's just me and him?
[06:41] Choro
    It's fine when we're all together,
    but when it's just us two, it's a bit weird.
[06:43] Choro
    I don't know what to say.
    What is there to say?
[06:45] Choro
    What do we have in common?
[06:46] Choro
    How many stations are left?
    And stuff like that...
[06:49] Choro
    That's the situation we're in now...
[06:51] Ichi
    Since we're brothers...
    No, it's the opposite.
[06:54] Ichi
    It's because we're brothers
    that it stands out so much...
[06:56] Ichi
    This...
[06:57] Choro
    ...awkward feeling.
SIGN    Glare
SIGN    Stare
[07:17] Both
    It's no use... I can't think of anything to say.
[07:22] Choro
    And everyone was so rowdy
    just a minute ago...
[07:24] Ichi
    Everything was so peaceful,
[07:26] Ichi
    but this awkwardness just
    sets in out of nowhere.
[07:29] Choro
    I wonder how he feels...
[07:32] Ichi
    Hey.
[07:34] Ichi
    Mind if I turn on the TV?
[07:36] Choro
    Huh? Oh, uh, yeah, sure.
[07:40] Choro
    You can turn on the TV.
[07:42] Ichi
    Thanks.
[07:46] Choro
    He's actually being considerate!
[07:48] Choro
    He actually asked if it was
    okay to turn on the TV!
[07:51] Choro
    Do people usually even ask that?!
[07:54] Ichi
    Crap. Why did I ask him if it
    was okay to turn on the TV?
[07:59] Ichi
    You don't ask friends that,
    let alone brothers.
[08:03] Ichi
    Wait, I don't have any friends.
[08:05] Ichi
    I'm just a loner who's always by himself...
[08:07] Ichi
    Who are you calling a loner?! Shut up!
[08:09] Ichi
    No... Talking to myself won't help.
[08:12] Ichi
    I need to talk to him right now.
[08:14] Choro
    Hey.
[08:15] Ichi
    Huh?
[08:15] Choro
    How are things lately?
[08:17] Ichi
    Huh? Lately?
[08:19] Choro
    Yeah, lately.
[08:21] Ichi
    What do you mean?
[08:22] Choro
    What do you mean, what do I mean?
[08:24] Ichi
    Huh?
[08:24] Choro
    Huh?
[08:26] Ichi
    Hmm?
[08:27] Choro
    Huh?
[08:29] Both
    Huh?
[08:33] Ichi
    Hey.
[08:34] Choro
    Huh?
[08:35] Ichi
    So, today... is a really nice day, huh?
[08:38] Choro
    Oh... yeah...
SIGN    Low
SIGN    High
[08:40] Ichi
    I wonder if it'll be sunny tomorrow, too.
[08:42] Choro
    Not sure...
[08:44] Ichi
    What about the day after?
SIGN    Tomorrow
[08:45] Choro
    Not sure...
[08:47] Ichi
    The weather is like... so... weathery.
[08:52] Choro
    Yeah.
[08:57] Ichi
    It's no use. This whole
    conversation's messed up.
[08:59] Ichi
    I've reached my limit.
    I'm going to retreat upstairs.
SIGN    Manga
[09:16] Ichi
    What the hell is this?!
    I said I was at my limit already!
[09:19] Choro
    Someone, anyone, come home already!
[09:21] Choro
    A joke... Someone say some stupid-ass joke!
[09:25] Choro
    Change the flow of things! The flow!
[09:30] Choro
    I'm sorry, Ichimatsu.
    I can't even retort right now.
[09:33] Choro
    I'm so sorry.
[09:35] Ichi
    Look... I think that's enough.
[09:37] Choro
    Huh?
[09:38] Ichi
    I'm just gonna come out and say it.
    This is really awkward, right?
[09:42] Choro
    Yeah, it's really awkward.
[09:44] Ichi
    It's creepy, right?
[09:45] Choro
    It is.
[09:46] Ichi
    Let's stop this.
[09:47] Choro
    Yeah, let's stop.
[09:51] Both
    So exhausted...
[09:53] Ichi
    Why does it end up like this?
     We're brothers.
[09:56] Choro
    No idea. We might've turned a blind
    eye to each other for too long.
[10:01] Choro
    Hey, why don't we try
    distancing ourselves a bit?
[10:04] Ichi
    Distancing?
[10:05] Choro
    Yeah. Like, put physical distance between us.
[10:08] Ichi
    I see.
[10:12] Choro
    Can you try talking like you usually
    do from there? And be honest.
[10:16] Ichi
    Be honest?
[10:19] Ichi
    Hey, you, Fappymatsu!
    You fapping piece of shit!
[10:22] Ichi
    Stop chasing all that underground
    idol tail, you virgin among virgins!
[10:25] Ichi
    Ooh... I can be honest at this distance.
[10:28] Choro
    Hey, you, Darkmatsu! Stop being
    so insane, you reserve criminal!
[10:31] Choro
    And despite that, your heart is fragile
    as glass! Just how annoying are you?!
[10:35] Choro
    Oh, I can be honest.
[10:37] Ichi
    All right. Let's try moving closer.
[10:39] Choro
    Okay.
[10:44] Choro
    Well, this is a bit uncomfortable.
[10:46] Ichi
    Indeed.
[10:47] Choro
    Actually, I'm sorry for saying
    that mean stuff before.
[10:50] Ichi
    No, no. I'm sorry.
[10:52] Ichi
    Please forget everything I just said.
[10:57] Choro
    Wait, do you hate me?
[10:58] Ichi
    Huh?
[11:00] Choro
    Do you hate me?
[11:02] Ichi
    You don't mince words, huh?
[11:03] Choro
    Yeah, let's just be straightforward.
    Do you hate me?
[11:06] Ichi
    Hate? Nah...
[11:08] Choro
    You hesitated, didn't you? I was slightly
    hoping you'd deny that instantly...
[11:13] Ichi
    It's not that I hate you.
    I mean, we're brothers.
[11:16] Ichi
    I cannot say I have such feelings.
[11:18] Choro
    And now you're talking overly formally.
[11:20] Ichi
    Maybe I'm scared.
[11:21] Choro
    Scared? Why?
[11:23] Ichi
    Because you actually try to be proper.
[11:25] Ichi
    You actually go job hunting
    and get angry at us.
[11:28] Ichi
    Even if you aren't completely proper,
    the fact that you actually try to be proper?
[11:32] Ichi
    Seeing that makes me feel
[11:33] Ichi
    like I'm a completely different species.
[11:36] Choro
    What? That's not true.
[11:38] Choro
    I'm also a good-for-nothing.
[11:39] Ichi
    Nah...
[11:41] Choro
    See? I'm not scary!
[11:43] Ichi
    Nah, nah, nah...
[11:43] Choro
    We're brothers, so let's just get along!
[11:46] Ichi
    Scary! How can you say stuff
    like that so naturally?!
[11:50] Ichi
    And what was that book you
    were reading earlier?
[11:52] Choro
    Oh, this? A book on how
    to get various qualifications.
SIGN    Qualifications
[11:55] Ichi
    Whoa, scary! Qualifications?!
[11:58] Ichi
    You're just some serious person!
[11:59] Ichi
    Serious people are scary!
[12:01] Choro
    Well, if you're going to be like that,
    you scare me, too.
[12:04] Ichi
    Huh? Why?
[12:06] Choro
    The way you're, like... super dark?
    Your aura of everlasting darkness?
[12:09] Choro
    You live every day loathing all
    happiness in this world, don't you?
[12:12] Ichi
    Yeah.
[12:12] Choro
    You don't even have anyone to swear revenge on,
[12:14] Choro
    but you live for revenge, don't you?
[12:16] Ichi
    Yeah.
[12:17] Choro
    What's your favorite phrase?
[12:19] Ichi
    I'll kill you all.
[12:20] Choro
    What do you want to be?
[12:21] Ichi
    A prison guard.
[12:22] Choro
    You know that's scary, right?
[12:24] Ichi
    You've got me all wrong. I'm pretty normal.
[12:26] Choro
    Nah...
[12:28] Ichi
    Come on. I'm not scary at all...
[12:30] Choro
    No, no, no, no...
[12:31] Choro
    See? That right there!
[12:33] Ichi
    Let's work together
[12:34] Ichi
    and kill those bastards someday.
[12:37] Choro
    That's scary! Who are "those bastards," exactly?
[12:40] Choro
    I can't shake the feeling that it
    includes me, and it's scary as hell!
[12:46] Choro
    What should we do?
[12:48] Ichi
    I don't know...
[12:49] Choro
    But you're mistaken about one thing.
[12:51] Choro
    To be honest, I don't care
    at all about qualifications.
[12:54] Ichi
    Huh?
[12:55] Choro
    Truthfully, I want to become
    a manager for an idol.
[12:59] Choro
    I want to get as close to them as I can,
[13:02] Choro
    and then somehow get them to go out with me.
[13:04] Ichi
    You really are a shitty
    virgin bastard, huh?
[13:06] Choro
    Yeah, I am. Do you feel better now?
[13:08] Ichi
    I do.
[13:10] Ichi
    Actually...
[13:11] Ichi
    I have something like the thing I showed you
    earlier, but it's really a Halloween prop.
[13:16] Choro
    Huh?
[13:17] Ichi
    I wouldn't be able to go
    to Shibuya or anything,
[13:19] Ichi
    but I thought about doing
    something at home.
[13:21] Choro
    You're actually interested in Halloween?
    You're a totally normal young person.
[13:26] Ichi
    I'm a domestic party peep.
[13:28] Choro
    What kind of cheesy-ass title is that?
[13:30] Ichi
    Do you feel better now?
[13:31] Choro
    Yeah.
[13:33] Choro
    Oh, and actually...
[13:34] Choro
    I want an idol to write "I love you"
    in ketchup on omelet rice for me.
[13:38] Ichi
    I want to have fun with those things you
    call "friends" on that thing you call "Insta."
[13:42] Choro
    I'm not even interested in their music.
[13:44] Choro
    I just ogle them.
[13:45] Ichi
    I want to have a fateful
    encounter while snowboarding.
[13:47] Choro
    I'm a nice guy.
[13:49] Ichi
    I'm an even nicer guy.
[13:50] Choro
    You're too much.
[13:51] Ichi
    You, too.
[14:02] Choro
    I think we were a bit too honest.
[14:04] Ichi
    We should've held back.
[14:07] Choro
    What do you want to do?
    Wanna go out drinking once?
[14:09] Ichi
    Just the two of us?
[14:11] Choro
    Yeah.
[14:14] Both
    Nope, nope, nope, nope!
[14:15] Ichi
    It's too soon for that.
[14:17] Choro
    And with just the two of us...
[14:19] Ichi
    We only just met today.
[14:21] Choro
    Yeah, it's our first day...
[14:23] Ichi
    Do you want to go for a walk, then?
[14:26] Choro
    Huh?
[14:27] Both
    Nope, nope, nope, nope!
[14:29] Choro
    Why don't we play some cards?
[14:31] Ichi
    Want to watch a DVD?
[14:34] Both
    Nope, nope, nope, nope!
[14:37] Ichi
    What should we do?
    I'm only interested in cats...
[14:41] Choro
    Cats! Oh, so you like cats.
[14:43] Ichi
    Yes.
[14:44] Choro
    The idol I like is going for a "cat" image, too.
[14:48] Ichi
    I see... Looks like we
    have something in common.
[14:50] Choro
    Yes.
[14:52] Choro
    Why don't we go to a concert
    together sometime?
[14:54] Ichi
    No, that's okay. Would you like to
    play with some cats in an alleyway?
[14:59] Choro
    No, that's okay.
[15:01] Ichi
    We don't have anything in common at all.
[15:03] Choro
    And we're brothers, too... We're going to
    be spending quite a long time together...
[15:08] Ichi
    This is going to be hell for both of us.
[15:15] Oso
    We're back.
[15:16] Oso
    We gave it some thought and
    realized we had no money.
[15:18] Both
    Welcome home!
[15:20] Oso
    Huh? Wh-What the heck?
[15:22] Both
    Welcome home!
[15:23] Kara
    Hey...
[15:24] Jyushi
    What's wrong?
[15:27] Todo
    What?
[15:28] Both
    Welcome home!
SIGN    End
[15:31] Todo
    Huh? Wow, you're creepy...
SIGN    "Totoko's Challenge"
[15:36] Toto
    Finally... Finally, this day has come.
SIGN    Yowai
[15:40] Toto
    This fight that I can't lose,
    where my pride is on the line...
[15:45] Toto
    Yes.
SIGN    Competitive Eating Queen
[15:46] Toto
    This Competitive Eating Queen Contest!
[15:48] Toto
    It's fine... I should be able to win.
[15:51] Toto
    I mean, I practiced so much
    and said so many prayers!
[15:55] Toto
    It's true that I'm surrounded
    by ugly commoners...
SIGN    Sono
SIGN    Aosaka
SIGN    Judy
[15:58] Toto
    Oh, I said that wrong.
    I meant powerful opponents.
[16:01] Toto
    But I'm the one who's going to win.
[16:02] Toto
    My mom and dad are here
    cheering me on, too.
[16:05] Dad
    Totoko!
[16:07] Mom
    Give it all you've got!
[16:09] Totoko
    And those guys are here, too.
[16:11] Jyushi
    Totoko-chan!
[16:13] Kara
    We've come to cheer you on, honey!
[16:14] Todo
    You can do it!
[16:15] Choro
    You're super cute!
[16:17] Toto
    And, most importantly,
    Shouei-san has my back.
SIGN    Chinese Food
[16:22] Hata
    It's the MC, Shouei-san, jo.
[16:25] Shouei
    Yes, hello, hello!
[16:28] Shouei
    Hello, everyone! I'm Shouei!
[16:36] Shouei
    With the power of love and passion,
    I'll make this the best show in Japan...
SIGN    Shouei
[16:39] Shouei
    no... in the world, with all of you!
[16:42] Shouei
    I'm Shouei!
[16:45] Iyami
    Shoueeeh!
[16:47] Toto
    That's Shouei-san for you...
    He's so passionate.
SIGN    Food
[16:50] Toto
    Okay! Shouei-san's passion can't top mine!
    I'm going to eat everything!
SIGN    Cafeteria
[16:56] Shouei
    Hello, everyone!
[16:59] Todo
    It's really him!
[17:00] Jyushi
    Can I have your autograph?
[17:01] Kara
    Come on, Shouei!
[17:03] Toto
    Ugh! What are you doing, you sextuplets?
[17:05] Toto
    Stop bothering my Shouei-san!
[17:08] Chibi
    Hey, we're about to go live,
    so give us a break, you idjit.
[17:12] Todo
    What?
[17:12] Shouei
    I don't mind signing autographs.
[17:14] Both
    Huh?
[17:14] Chibi
    Shouei-san...
[17:16] Shouei
    The audience is part of the show.
[17:18] Shouei
    To me, they're my precious friends...
[17:20] Shouei
    No, they're my family, who share my blood.
[17:22] Shouei
    That's me... Shouei!
[17:26] Iyami
    Shoueeeh!
[17:27] Toto
    So passionate! So kind!
[17:29] Toto
    He's actually going to sign autographs!
[17:31] Toto
    But the show's about to start.
[17:33] Shou
    Yup, yup, yup. Here you go.
[17:36] Choro
    Thanks!
[17:37] Oso
    Hey, give us one of your belongings, Shouei.
[17:40] Jyushi
    Belongings, please.
[17:41] Ichi
    Like your watch there.
[17:43] Toto
    Who the hell do you think
    you are, you sextuplets?!
[17:46] Chibi
    Hey, that's enough of...
[17:48] Shouei
    It's okay. I'll give them something.
[17:49] Chibi
    Shouei-san...
[17:51] Shouei
    What's mine is everyone's.
[17:52] Shouei
    And for everyone to be happy...
[17:54] Shouei
    That's me... Shouei.
[17:58] Iyami
    Shoueeeh!
[18:00] Toto
    No, wait. You're too nice!
[18:01] Toto
    And the show's about to start!
[18:03] Oso
    You know... We're actually all still NEETs.
[18:06] Shouei
    What? Really?
[18:07] Todo
    We're trying really hard,
    but haven't been able to find jobs.
[18:11] Shouei
    I see...
[18:12] Choro
    Not to mention, we're still virgins.
[18:14] Shouei
    What?!
[18:15] Ichi
    We basically hate life.
[18:17] Shouei
    I see...
[18:18] Toto
    What the hell, you sextuplets?!
    Making yourselves sound so pitiful!
[18:22] Toto
    Don't believe them, Shouei-san!
[18:24] Toto
    They've never tried hard in their lives!
[18:28] Shouei
    I see... You guys must have it rough!
[18:31] Toto
    He's crying! We haven't even started
    eating yet, and he's crying!
[18:34] Shouei
    You're NEETs and virgins...
    But don't give up!
[18:37] Shouei
    I'll be cheering you on!
[18:39] Shouei
    I'm Shouei!
[18:41] All
    Shouei!
[18:42] Chibi
    Um... We'd like to start the show now...
[18:44] Shouei
    Oh, sorry about that.
[18:49] Hata
    All right, let's start rolling, jo.
[18:54] Toto
    I'm going to win, no matter what!
[18:57] Toto
    That title will be mine!
[18:59] Chibi
    All right, here we go. Live in five...
[19:02] Chibi
    four, three, two...
[19:07] Shouei
    Welcome to the Competitive
    Eating Queen Contest 2017!
[19:10] Shouei
    Let's give it our all!
[19:12] Shouei
    Ready...
[19:14] Shouei
    Start!
[19:18] Crowd
    You can do it!
[19:21] Oso
    Whoa! Holy crap, Totoko-chan!
[19:23] Kara
    She's so fast!
[19:26] Toto
    I guess all that practice paid off.
[19:27] Toto
    I'm not so shallow that I
    get lost in my own beauty.
[19:31] Toto
    Right, Shouei-san?
[19:33] Toto
    Huh? He's gone?
[19:35] Kara
    Guys like us will never be able to find jobs...
[19:38] Shouei
    Don't say that!
[19:40] Toto
    You went over there again?!
[19:41] Toto
    But the show's started!
    Shouldn't you be MCing?
[19:43] Jyushi
    We're just going to be virgins forever.
[19:46] Shouei
    Don't give up!
[19:48] Shouei
    Are you guys zeroes?
    Are you absolute zeroes?!
[19:48] Toto
    Huh? Are they arguing?
[19:51] Toto
    Er, wait, no... I need
    to concentrate or I'll lose.
[19:54] Oso
    Shut up, Teruhide! You're too passionate!
[19:57] Shouei
    How dare you speak to me like that?
[19:59] Todo
    More importantly, introduce
    me to Moemoe, Teruhide.
[20:02] Todo
    You're being rude.
[20:03] Choro
    The hell? You picking a fight?!
[20:07] Oso
    What's up, Hide?
[20:08] All
    Come at me, bro!
[20:10] Toto
    Those idiots!
[20:11] Toto
    No! I need to concentrate...
[20:14] Shouei
    All right! Bring it on!
[20:18] Toto
    Shouei-san!
[20:29] shouei
    How'd you like that?!
[20:30] Toto
    Shouei-san's amazing!
[20:32] Toto
    Huh?
[20:35] Shouei
    Ow, ow, ow, ow...
[20:37] Toto
    Are you okay, Shouei-san?
[20:40] Shouei
    Behold!
[20:43] Jyushi
    Hurgh!
[20:46] Jyushi
    Not done yet!
[20:48] Toto
    Hey!
[20:50] Shouei
    You're not bad. How about this, then?
[20:55] Oso
    Huh? What?
[20:57] Choro
    Wh-What the...
[20:58] Jyushi
    I-Is this...
[21:19] Six
    Bless!
[21:20] Toto
    No, no, no...
[21:22] Oso
    Thanks, Shouei-niisan!
[21:25] Shouei
    Don't sweat it. Thanks to you guys, too.
[21:27] Ichi
    Nii-san!
[21:28] Todo
    Nii-san!
[21:30] Toto
    Why?
[21:32] Shouei
    Well? Don't they taste great?
[21:34] Jyushi
    They're great, Shouei-niisan!
[21:36] All
    Yummy!
[21:37] Toto
    Seriously...
[21:40] Shouei
    Who said you could eat those?
[21:41] Oso
    Uh, you told us we could eat them!
[21:43] Shouei
    I'm allowed to since I'm the MC!
[21:45] Todo
    The MC shouldn't be eating them, either!
[21:48] Toto
    Ugh! And I'm about to win, too!
[21:52] Toto
    I can't concentrate!
SIGN    End
[22:02] Shouei
    I'm so happy!
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
[23:34] Choro
    Choromatsu here.
[23:35] Choro
    Man, Shouei-san this week
    was so ripped and hard.
[23:39] Choro
    I'm not sure if I was ripped this week,
[23:41] Choro
    but I sure was hard.
[23:43] Choro
    I want to continue being hard next week,
[23:45] Choro
    and hope I will be for the rest of my life.
[23:48] Choro
    Next week's episode will
    be something like that, too.
[23:50] Choro
    "Matsuzou and Matsuyo." I hope you'll be
    ripped and rock-hard when you tune in!
SIGN    "Matsuzou and Matsuyo" etc.

E4 - Matsuzou and Matsuyo

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Cavematsu-san
[00:06] All
    Cavematsu-san!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Matsuzou and Matsuyo"
SIGN    Milk
[02:43] Jyushi
    Muscle, muscle... Huh?!
[02:46] Jyushi
    Dad! You're spilling it!
[02:48] Dad
    Huh? Oh, yeah. Sorry.
[02:52] Dad
    I'm heading out.
[02:56] Todo
    Dad, you have to open the door first.
[02:58] Dad
    Huh? Oh.
[03:01] Todo
    Huh?
[03:03] Dad
    I'm home.
[03:05] Kara
    Daddy! What happened to your clothes?!
[03:07] Dad
    Huh?
[03:20] Todo
    What do you think is up with that,
    Osomatsu-niisan?
[03:22] Oso
    Huh?
[03:23] Todo
    I mean the way Dad's acting.
[03:24] Oso
    Is something wrong?
[03:25] Todo
    Wait, really? You haven't noticed?
[03:31] Oso
    Isn't your popsicle about
    two millimeters bigger than mine?
[03:34] Todo
    Yet you notice things like that right off
    the bat?! It's only two millimeters!
[03:37] Todo
    Here, I'll just trade you.
[03:38] Todo
    It's just gonna be a pain if we
    stay on this topic any longer.
[03:41] Oso
    Thanks!
[03:42] Jyushi
    But I wonder what's going on with Dad.
[03:45] Ichi
    Maybe something's troubling him.
[03:47] All
    Huh?
[03:49] Ichi
    Like, something is emotionally bothering him.
[03:52] Oso
    Huh? What are you talking about?
    You're scaring me.
[03:55] Choro
    Scaring you?
[03:56] Oso
    Well, I mean, think about it!
    What could actually be bothering Dad?
[04:00] Oso
    Nine times out of ten,
    we're the reason for his troubles!
[04:03] Oso
    We're all over twenty and spend
    every day just lazing around...
[04:06] Oso
    And there are six of us.
    His future's just bleak.
[04:09] Jyushi
    True.
[04:10] Oso
    The only thing waiting for him is getting old
    as part of the lowest caste in his generation.
[04:14] Oso
    Of course he's troubled.
[04:16] Jyushi
    True.
[04:18] Choro
    Don't you feel sad saying
    all that about yourself?
[04:20] Jyushi
    True.
[04:23] Todo
    And then Dad's finally going to
    reach his limit and tell us...
[04:27] Todo
    "I can't provide for our
    family alone anymore,
[04:30] Todo
    so I need all of you...
[04:32] Todo
    to work!"
[04:35] Both
    No!
[04:36] Choro
    Shut up!
[04:37] Kara
    All right. Let's never speak of this again.
[04:40] Kara
    There's nothing troubling Dad at all.
    He's perfectly fine.
[04:43] Choro
    Hey!
[04:44] Ichi
    Down with being forced to find a job.
[04:47] All
    Yeah!
[04:48] Ichi
    Don't wanna think about our parents' problems.
[04:50] All
    Nope!
[04:52] Oso
    No way!
[04:54] Jyushimatsu
    True.
[04:55] Kara
    Let's have fun in life.
[05:14] Choro
    Dad.
[05:21] Dad
    Troubles?
[05:22] Dad
    Choromatsu, who do you think you are,
    worrying about stuff like that?
[05:27] Choro
    No, there's definitely
    something troubling you.
[05:29] Dad
    Nope.
[05:30] Choro
    But you've been acting strange for a while.
[05:32] Dad
    I'm my usual self.
[05:33] Choro
    Why haven't you noticed the flying
    squirrel clinging to your back, then?
[05:40] Choro
    Go back to the forest.
[05:41] Dad
    I had no idea...
[05:45] Dad
    Actually... it's about your mother.
[05:48] Choro
    Mom?
[05:49] Dad
    Yeah.
[05:50] Choro
    Wait, what about Mom?
[05:54] Dad
    You see, your mother...
[06:02] Dad
    Your mother's been cold
    toward me for some reason!
[06:07] Dad
    She hasn't been kissing me goodnight
    or anything like that at all lately!
[06:11] Dad
    Is the spark gone?
    Does she not love me anymore?
[06:14] Dad
    I mean, we don't even do this or that anymore...
    What do you think, Choromatsu-kun?
[06:19] Choro
    Huh?
[06:21] Six
    Who the hell cares?!
[06:23] Dad
    Huh?! What do you mean, who cares?
[06:26] Dad
    Your father's shocked!
[06:27] Oso
    No, really, who cares?
[06:28] Jyushi
    Not our problem!
[06:29] Dad
    But we're husband and wife!
    We're supposed to be lovey-dovey forever!
[06:33] Kara
    Think about your damn age!
[06:35] Dad
    No. I don't want to think about my age.
[06:38] Dad
    I want to have a pervy relationship
    with your mother forever!
[06:41] Dad
    I'm so done... I don't
    even want to live anymore.
[06:45] Dad
    I'm gonna be a NEET, too.
[06:46] Three
    Wait, wait, wait, wait!
[06:49] Jyushi
    Wait a sec, Dad!
[06:50] Kara
    Just calm down.
[06:51] Dad
    No...
[06:52] Dad
    I'm done. I'm so done!
[06:53] Ichi
    So what are we going to do about this?
[06:54] Three bg
    Oh, come on...
[06:55] Three bg
    Get your face out of the sofa.
[06:56] Todo
    This is why I said we should leave it be.
[06:58] Ichi
    You just had to meddle.
[07:00] Choro
    Wait, wait, wait. It's not like I could've
    ever imagined this would be the problem!
[07:03] Choro
    I mean... I hear there are a lot more
    sexless married couples lately, but...
[07:07] Oso
    Hey! I don't want to hear that
    kind of stuff about our parents!
[07:10] Jyushi
    Nope! Can't!
[07:11] Kara
    Shut up!
[07:12] Todo
    But it's not like we can just
    ignore this now, right?
[07:15] Both
    Huh?
[07:16] Todo
    I mean, if Dad ends up quitting his job or,
    even worse, ends up moving out...
[07:22] Todo
    We NEETs will have no choice but to die.
[07:28] Todo
    All right. We've gotta do something.
[07:31] Todo
    Let's somehow help out Dad,
[07:33] Todo
    so we can prolong our lives as NEETs!
[07:36] Todo
    You're such a good boy, Totty!
    You're so cute and honest, Totty!
[07:41] Todo
    Dad!
[07:42] Dad
    Huh?
[07:43] Todo
    Don't worry. We'll do something
    about your relationship with Mom.
[07:47] Dad
    Huh? Nah, it's okay.
[07:49] Todo
    Don't worry!
[07:51] Dad
    It's okay.
[07:52] Todo
    But why?
[07:53] Dad
    Well, none of you...
[07:56] Dad
    have ever had a girlfriend.
[08:00] Dad
    You're all virgins.
[08:03] Dad
    It's not like you guys can help if you
    haven't even had any experience yet.
[08:07] Dad
    Shouldn't you guys be
    worrying about yourselves?
[08:10] Six
    Huh?!
[08:12] Oso
    So what if we've never girlfriends?!
[08:14] Todo
    So what if we're virgins?!
    Does that even matter right now?!
[08:17] Dad
    Actually, it matters quite a bit, doesn't it?
[08:20] Dad
    It's probably the most
    important thing, in fact.
[08:22] Ichi
    But at least we're
    knowledgeable about it!
[08:24] Choro
    We can give you advice!
[08:26] Dad
    You mean knowledge from dramas,
    light novels, and porn, right?
[08:29] Dad
    You can't actually use any
    of that in real life.
[08:31] Kara
    What the hell?! And here we
    were offering to help you!
[08:34] Dad
    And I'm telling you that you can't.
[08:36] Kara
    Why?!
[08:48] Dad
    What the heck are you guys doing?!
[08:50] Oso
    Pull it out, you piece-of-shit dad!
    We'll chop it off for you!
[08:51] Jyushi
    True.
[08:52] Oso
    You don't need it anymore, do you?!
[08:54] Dad
    Speak for yourselves, you damn virgins!
[08:55] Jyushi
    True!
[08:56] Oso
    Shut up!
[08:59] Todo
    So, what happened to the spark
    between you and Mom?
SIGN    Akatsuka Bathhouse
SIGN    Bath
[09:03] Todo
    Know what might've caused it?
[09:04] Dad
    No idea.
[09:05] Todo
    How can you not know?
    Man, your attitude pisses me off.
[09:08] Dad
    No idea! As we got older, those kinds
    of feelings naturally declined,
[09:13] Dad
    and before I knew it,
    they were totally gone.
[09:16] Dad
    She's so heartless...
[09:20] Kara
    Hang on a sec.
[09:22] Kara
    Why does it sound like you've just been
    blaming this on Mom this whole time?
[09:26] Dad
    Huh?
[09:27] Oso
    Yeah, that's what I thought, too.
[09:29] Oso
    You're making it sound like Mom's the one
    who's in the wrong for denying you.
[09:32] Dad
    Well, we're husband and wife.
[09:33] All
    See? There you go!
[09:34] Dad
    Huh?
[09:35] Ichi
    Look, you...
[09:36] Dad
    "You"?
[09:37] Ichi
    Why do you just naturally assume
    that she'll always love you?
[09:39] Ichi
    Get off your high horse.
[09:40] Ichi
    Who do you think you are, huh?
[09:42] Todo
    You gotta be more humble, Dad. You weren't
    like this when you were young, were you?
[09:46] Choro
    Remember those days when you were still pure.
[09:48] Jyushi
    Then Mom will too, probably.
[09:50] Oso
    You gotta be more humble.
[09:52] Kara
    Take back your youth!
[09:53] Choro
    So why don't you return to being a virgin, Dad?
[09:56] Dad
    Uh, h-how?
[09:57] Oso
    Don't worry, Dad. Because you have us...
[10:02] All
    ...six actual virgins on your side!
[10:05] Dad
    Huh?
[10:09] Six
    Such a virgin!
[10:11] Jyushi
    Hello, Cherryzou-kun!
[10:13] Ichi
    Hello, Cherryzou-kun.
[10:15] Dad
    Huh?
[10:16] Kara
    Right-o, Cherryzou! We're gonna
    turn you back into a virgin!
[10:19] Jyushi
    Yeah!
[10:20] Dad
    Huh?
SIGN    Virgin five-step conjugations
[10:22] Kara
    Here we go! Virgin five-step conjugations.
[10:25] ---
    Let's do this!
SIGN    Boobs
[10:27] Kara
    Boobs.
[10:27] six
    Boobn't! Boobed! Boobing!
    Get boobed! Boob it!
SIGN    Pantyshot
[10:32] Kara
    Pantyshot.
[10:33] Six
    Pantynot! Pantyshotted! Pantyshotting!
    Pantyshoot! Pantyism!
SIGN    Kiss
[10:37] Kara
    Kiss.
[10:37] Six
    Wanna kiss! Wanna kiss!
    Wanna kiss! Wanna kiss!
[10:40] Six
    If all else fails,
    wanna see someone else kiss!
[10:41] Kara
    Perfect!
[10:43] Dad
    Huh?
[10:45] Totty
    All right. Go buy a dirty book.
SIGN    We now carry oden
[10:47] Dad
    Huh?
[10:48] Oso
    Move it!
[10:54] Dad
    I bought one.
[10:58] Dad
    Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
[11:00] Oso
    The hell are you doing, Cherryzou?!
[11:02] Todo
    That's not how a virgin buys
    those at all, Cherryzou!
[11:04] Dad
    Huh?
[11:05] Todo
    Why did you pay at the girl's register?
[11:09] Todo
    You're supposed to go to the
    old man's register! He's our ally!
[11:12] Oso
    And when you take out the dirty book,
SIGN    Rububbu
    Hakone
[11:14] Oso
    you put it between normal
    magazines to hide the cover!
[11:16] Todo
    Then you hide them in your shirt
    and sneak as hard as you can sneak
[11:19] Todo
    all the way home!
[11:20] Both
    Those are basics!
[11:23] Choro
    Well, if it were me...
[11:26] Choro
    When I go to put it in my basket,
[11:27] Choro
    I'd make it look like it just happened
    to fall in with another magazine.
[11:33] Oso
    That's our Fappymatsu-san!
    I've been enlightened!
[11:35] Choro
    Swipe.
[11:37] Five
    We've been enlightened!
SIGN    Visible bras
[11:40] Kara
    Visible bras.
[11:41] Six
    Uh, they're underwear! Uh, they're underwear!
[11:43] Six
    Uh, they're underwear! They're super sexy!
[11:44] Six
    Thanks!
SIGN    Ririko
SIGN    Graduation Album
SIGN    Young Chample
SIGN    Shigebu Mobuko
[11:46] Ichi
    All right. Which of these would you pick?
[11:48] Dad
    Huh?
SIGN    Ririko
[11:50] Dad
    This one?
[11:51] Ichi
    Of course you should pick
    the graduation album!
[11:53] Jyushi
    Everyone knows that!
SIGN    Tattoos
[11:56] Kara
    Tattoos!
[11:56] Five
    Nope...
[11:57] Five
    Scary...
[11:58] Five
    Too bold...
SIGN    Fuwari Ecchi
SIGN    Konai Shasei
[12:00] Jyushi
    How about out of these two, then?
[12:02] Dad
    Huh?
[12:03] Dad
    This one.
[12:04] Dad
    What?! I seriously don't know anymore!
[12:06] Jyushi
    You're supposed to pick both!
[12:07] Ichi
    You're supposed to be greedy here!
[12:09] Dad
    How would I know?!
SIGN    Ultra
    Sexy
[12:24] Totty
    W-Well, Dad? Were you able
    to regain your virgin heart?
[12:29] Dad
    No.
[12:29] Kara
    Wh-What do you think when you see this?
[12:33] Dad
    Nothing, really.
[12:36] Oso
    Then I'm completely out of ideas.
[12:38] Dad
    Huh?
[12:39] Choro
    We can't help you.
[12:41] Choro
    You'll have to figure it out yourself.
[12:43] Dad
    Huh?
[12:44] Six
    See ya.
[12:45] Dad
    What?! You're just going to
    abandon me after all that?!
[12:48] Dad
    Don't abandon Cherryzou! Hey!
[12:52] Guy 1
    So about the corn soup...
[12:55] Guy 1
    Say something.
[12:56] Guy 2
    I forgot.
[12:57] Guy 1
    But this is your job.
[12:58] ---
    No, it's not.
[13:00] Dad
    Why? Why won't she fall
    in love with me again?
[13:07] Dad
    I spent so much time and money...
    That's so messed up.
[13:11] Totty
    Yeah, I'd say that looks pretty messed up!
[13:13] Todo
    How did you end up like that?
    What made you think it was even acceptable?
[13:17] Dad
    How about this, Dad?
[13:22] Dad
    Sorry to drag you guys out here like this.
[13:24] Dad
    To be completely honest,
    I might've just been lonely.
[13:29] Dad
    You guys were born and became adults...
[13:33] Dad
    Even though you're all still unemployed.
[13:36] Dad
    I did feel somewhat like we were
    finally liberated as parents...
[13:42] Dad
    And then, suddenly, I started to worry.
[13:45] Dad
    I wondered why she was still with me, then.
[13:49] Dad
    I wondered if it was actually
    because she still loved me.
[13:54] Dad
    What am I saying at my age?
    What am I, a virgin?
[14:01] Jyushi
    What about your oden?
[14:03] Dad
    It's fine. I'll eat at home.
[14:05] Ichi
    Dad...
[14:08] Ichi
    Are you sure you're done?
    Is that how you really feel?
[14:11] Dad
    Yeah... The old man's gonna retire, boys.
[14:13] Dad
    Keep doing your best, you Cherrymatsus.
[14:16] Ichi
    Shut up.
[14:18] Dad
    See ya.
[14:20] Chibi
    Wait, old man!
[14:22] Todo
    Whoa, he's bawling! What got into you?!
SIGN    Hybrid Oden Cards accepted
[14:24] Chibi
    Try talking to Dekapan!
[14:27] Todo
    Dekapan?
[14:28] Chib
    You know... He might have some
    useful item he'll let you borrow.
[14:31] Todo
    What kind of useful item?
[14:35] Chibi
    Maybe a love potion or something?
[14:37] Todo
    Love potion?
[14:39] Todo
    Nah, there's no way
    Dad would use that on Mo—
[14:41] Dad
    Love potion! Of course!
[14:43] Todo
    Dad?!
[14:44] Dad
    Why didn't I think of that?!
[14:46] Six
    Dad!
[14:49] Deka
    Of course I have some.
[14:51] Dad
    He actually has some!
[14:52] Dad
    Seriously? Yay!
[14:54] Both
    Unparalleled hustle! Unparalleled hustle!
[14:56] Choro
    He hadn't given up at all...
[14:59] Todo
    What was that bit of gloom even for?
[15:02] Deka
    Huh? But it's...
[15:04] Dad
    Huh?!
[15:05] Deka
    That's strange... How can that be?
[15:07] Dayon
    I didn't do it!
[15:09] Dayon
    I didn't use it!
[15:12] Dayon
    I'm telling the truth!
[15:14] Ichi
    Must be him.
[15:16] Oso
    Yup.
[15:17] Deka
    Well, this is a problem.
[15:20] Deka
    I have the recipe,
[15:21] Deka
    but the flower included in the ingredients
    only grows beyond the sea.
[15:24] Deka
    In one of the most secluded—
[15:25] Dad
    Give me that!
[15:26] Six
    Dad!
[15:40] Dad
    I-I'm...
[15:43] Dad
    finished...
[15:45] Dad
    Karamatsu?!
[15:48] Kara
    I've come to save you.
[15:56] Both
    We're finished!
[15:58] Oso
    Leave this...
[15:59] Jyushi
    ...to us!
[16:04] Oso
    Damn it!
[16:06] Jyushi
    Damn it!
[16:07] Both
    We're finished!
[16:09] Dad
    Hey, look.
[16:13] Oso
    Choromatsu!
[16:14] Jyushi
    Ichimatsu-niisan!
[16:16] Choro
    Wh-What should we do?
[16:18] Ichi
    What should we do?
[16:19] Choro
    You decide.
[16:21] Ichi
    No, no. You go right ahead.
[16:23] Oso
    Hey, over here!
[16:24] Jyushi
    Over here!
[16:25] Four
    Hey!
[16:32] Ichi
    Oh, it's Totty. Hey!
[16:39] Choro
    Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
[16:41] All
    Hold it, Todomatsu!
[16:41] All
    Hey!
[16:42] Six
    It hurts!
[16:43] Six
    It's heavy!
[16:45] Six
    It's hot!
[16:47] Six
    It's cold!
[16:48] Six
    It's cramped!
[16:50] Six
    It's dark!
[16:51] Six
    It stinks!
[16:53] Six
    It's loud!
[16:55] Oso
    Here we go!
[16:56] Five
    Yeah!
[17:42] Deka
    It's finished.
[17:48] Dad
    I-It's finally...
[17:51] Six
    D-Dad!
[17:53] Dad
    Yeah.
[17:54] All
    Yay!
[17:56] Jyushi
    Mom won't know what hit her!
    She'll fall in love with you again!
[17:59] All
    Hustle, hustle! Muscle, muscle!
[18:02] All
    Hustle, hustle! Muscle, muscle!
[18:08] Oso
    Well, goodnight.
[18:11] Kara
    We did good.
[18:13] Todo
    Who knew it felt so good to
    work up a sweat like that?
[18:16] Choro
    We've done our job as sons.
[18:18] Five
    Right?
[18:21] Oso
    Oh, yeah.
[18:23] Oso
    Once this is over, let's have Dad
    share some of that potion with us.
[18:27] Todo
    Good idea. Then maybe we'll finally
    graduate from being virgins?
[18:30] Jyushi
    Awesome!
[18:33] Jyushi
    I can't wait!
[18:33] Oso
    Yeah.
SIGN    Matsuno
SIGN    In Use
SIGN    Delivery Room
[20:19] Mom
    Takes you back, doesn't it?
[20:26] Dad
    Yeah.
[20:28] Mom
    Do you remember? A long time ago,
    you shouted at me.
[20:33] Mom
    From here.
[20:34] Dad
    Huh?
[20:37] Dad
    I love you!
[20:44] Mom
    Did you actually forget?
[20:47] Dad
    I forgot. I don't have time to
    remember stuff from that long ago.
[20:53] Mom
    I see.
[20:56] Mom
    But I'll never forget...
    No matter how long it's been.
[21:00] Dad
    I see.
[21:06] Mom
    Sure is cold.
[21:14] Mom
    Someday, we're going to be alone like this.
[21:19] Dad
    Yeah.
[21:25] Dad
    What's going on?
[21:34] Hata
    Jo, jo, jo...
[21:35] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[21:36] Chibi
    The hell?! You idjits! Damn it!
[21:37] Iyami
    Sh-Sh-Sheeeh!
[21:37] Chibi
    The hell?! You idjits! Damn it!
[21:40] Oso
    T-Totoko-chan... We've been sexless
    ever since the day we were born.
[21:45] Five
    Completely sexless.
[21:47] Six
    Totoko-chan!
[21:49] Toto
    No one wants you,
[21:51] Toto
    you NEET virgins!
[22:03] Mom
    Do you think we'll ever be alone?
SIGN    End
[22:07] Dad
    I'm not so sure.
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
[23:39] Kara
    It's me, Karamatsu.
[23:40] Kara
    I'm not so bad in the fall,
    but you should see me in summer.
[23:44] Kara
    Now I'd like to present to you
[23:46] Kara
    something that summer left behind.
[23:48] Kara
    Next time, "Osomatsu-san in the Summer"
    will bring you those sexy hips.
SIGN    "Osomatsu-san in the Summer"
[23:52] Kara
    What time is it?

E5 - Osomatsu-san in the Summer

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "Cicadas"
[00:23] Nanami
    Takkun...
[00:25] Takkun
    Nanami...
[00:27] Nanami
    I... worked really hard to make this.
[00:31] Nanami
    Please take it.
SIGN    Good Luck Charm
[00:33] Takkun
    Th-Thanks...
[00:45] Nanami
    Takkun... Take me to the Koushien!
[00:53] Takkun
    Nanami...
[00:56] Takkun
    I, Uebayashi Tatsuo,
[00:59] Takkun
    want you, Asaoka Nanami, to know...
[01:01] Nanami
    What? I can't hear you, Takkun.
[01:03] Nanami
    The cicadas are so loud
    that I can't hear you.
[01:05] Takkun
    I, Uebayashi Tatsuo...
[01:07] Nanami
    What?!
[01:07] Takkun
    I, Uebayashi Tatsuo...
[01:09] Nanami
    Say what?!
[01:09] Takkun
    I, Uebayashi Tatsuo, want you,
    Asaoka Nanami, to know...
[01:12] Nanami
    What?! I can't hear you at all!
[01:14] Takkun
    That I love you!
[01:15] Nanami
    Huh?
[01:15] Takkun
    I love you!
[01:17] Nanami
    Wha?!
[01:17] Takkun
    I said I love you!
[01:18] Nanami
    What?!
[01:19] Takkun
    I want you to go out with me!
[01:20] Nanami
    Huh?!
[01:21] Takkun
    Please be my girlfriend!
[01:22] Nanami
    Ugh. I can't hear you at all!
[01:25] Nanami
    Takkun, you idiot!
[01:27] Takkun
    Nanami!
SIGN    "Jyushimatsu
    Calisthenics"
[03:16] radio
    Raise your arms up high.
    We'll start with stretches!
[03:20] Radio
    One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...
[03:21] Jyushi
    Hup!
[03:23] Jyushi
    Hup!
[03:25] Radio
    Now your arms and legs.
[03:26] Jyushi
    Hup!
[03:26] Radio
    One, two, three, four,
    five, six, seven, eight.
[03:28] Jyushi
    Hup!
[03:30] Jyushi
    Hup!
[03:30] Radio
    Two, two, three, four,
    five, six, seven, eight...
[03:33] Jyushi
    Hup!
[03:35] Jyushi
    Hup!
[03:35] ---
    Three, two, three, four,
    five, six, seven, eight...
[03:36] Jyushi
    Take that!
[03:39] Jyushi
    And that!
[03:40] Jyushi
    Hup, two!
[03:40] ---
    Four, two, three, four,
    five, six, seven...
[03:42] Jyushi
    Yeah, exercise!
[03:44] Radio
    Swing your arms.
[03:45] Radio
    One, two, three, four,
    five, six, seven, eight...
[03:50] Radio
    Two, two, three, four, five, six, seven...
[03:50] Jyushi
    How's that?
[03:53] Radio
    Next, chest exercises.
[03:54] Radio
    One, two, three, four,
    five, six, seven, eight...
[03:55] Jyushi
    Oh, man. Oh, man!
[03:59] Radio
    Two, two, three, four,
    five, six, seven, eight...
[03:59] Jyushi
    Boeh!
[04:01] Jyushi
    Boeh!
[04:03] Jyushi
    Boeh!
[04:03] ---
    Three, two, three, four,
    five, six, seven, eight...
[04:05] Jyushi
    Boehba!
[04:07] Jyushi
    Boehba!
[04:07] ---
    Four, two, three, four,
    five, six, seven...
[04:09] Jyushi
    Boehba!
[04:11] Radio
    Next, side stretches.
[04:12] Jyushi
    Boehba!
[04:13] Radio
    One, two, three...
SIGN    Well Done
[04:19] Jyushi
    Just 39 more days.
[04:21] Jyushi
    I'll do my best!
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Joozu"
SIGN    Look out for sharks!
SIGN    Beware of Sharks
SIGN    Danger! Sharks!
SIGN    No Swimming!
[05:13] Hata
    Joo...
[05:15] Hata
    zu.
[05:19] Jyushi
    Huh?
[05:27] Both
    Oh.
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "It's Hot"
[05:36] Iyami
    It's hot...
[05:40] Iyami
    It's hot...
[05:43] Iyami
    It's hot...
[05:46] Iyami
    It's hot...
[05:49] Chibi
    Hey! Stop saying "It's hot" so much!
[05:52] Chibi
    You're making it worse!
[05:54] Chibi
    Hot!
[05:56] Iyami
    Chibita, we have no choice now.
[06:00] Chibi
    Oh, that. Whenever we're in trouble...
[06:04] Both
    ...we go see Professor Dekapan!
[06:08] Deka
    Unfortunately, my air conditioner is broken.
[06:12] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[06:12] Both
    But why?
[06:15] Dayon
    It wasn't me.
[06:17] Dayon
    I didn't touch it. Honest.
[06:27] Deka
    Well, no need to feel down.
    Summer is meant to be hot.
[06:31] Deka
    I believe you're meant to take
    in that heat and enjoy—
[06:35] Chibi
    You idjit!
[06:38] Deka
    Stop!
[06:39] Deka
    O-Okay! I'll make something good!
[06:44] Deka
    It's finished.
[06:45] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[06:48] Iyami
    It's so nice and cool!
[06:50] Chibi
    It's not hot at all! It's nice and cool!
[06:53] Both
    Yay!
[06:54] Iyami
    It's so cool!
[06:55] Chibi
    It's so cool, you idjit! Damn it!
[06:56] Deka
    Good, good.
[06:57] Iyami
    It's so cool, isn't it, Chibita?
[06:58] Dayon
    This is the ultimate VR!
[06:59] Chibita
    It's so cool, Iyami!
[07:05] Chibi
    This is the best, you idjit! It's heaven!
[07:10] Iyami
    It's so cool!
[07:12] Chibi
    So cool! Yay!
[07:14] Iyami
    It's so friggin' cool!
[07:16] Chibi
    It's cool, you idjit! Damn it!
[07:19] Chibi
    Yay!
[07:21] Iyami
    So cool!
[07:22] Chibi
    It's so cool!
[07:25] Iyami
    It's too cool!
[07:28] Chibi
    It's too cool!
[07:29] Iyami
    Sheeeh! It's so cool!
[07:30] Chibi
    It's cool, you idjit! Damn it!
[07:33] Iyami
    It's cool.
[07:34] Chibi
    It's cool, you idjit!
[07:38] Both
    So cool!
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Exiled"
[07:50] Girl
    What? Oh, really?
[07:53] Aida
    Hey, Totty.
[07:56] Sachiko
    Want to take a picture with us?
[07:58] Todo
    A picture? Sure!
[08:00] Sachiko
    Okay, here we go!
[08:02] Todo
    So very awesome!
[08:03] Sachi
    Okay, say cheese!
SIGN    He is a criminal. Please do not save him.
[08:16] Oso
    Exiled.
[08:17] Ichi
    Yup, exiled.
[08:18] Todo
    What?!
[08:18] Todo
    Hey! Hey, wait! Hey!
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Exiled 2"
[08:28] Aida
    Wow, a deserted island.
[08:32] Aida
    Wow, I've never been to
    a deserted island before.
[08:36] Sachi
    Hey, Totty, what are you doing? Hurry up.
[08:44] Sachi
    Hey, Totty, we're talking to you.
[08:46] Todo
    Yeah, I'll be right there.
[08:48] Todo
    Okay, looks like we're good.
    They wouldn't come this far...
[08:52] Todo
    This is amazing! Are we the only ones here?
[08:54] Todo
    Deserted islands are awesome!
[08:58] Todo
    Huh? What?!
SIGN    He is a criminal. Please do not save him.
[08:59] Todo
    Hey!
[09:01] Todo
    What?! Wait!
[09:02] Jyushi
    Exiled!
[09:03] Choro
    Yup, exiled.
[09:04] Kara
    Recite some Japanese poetry
    alone, or something.
[09:04] Todo
    W-Wait!
[09:05] Todo
    Hey! Hey!
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Exiled 3"
SIGN    Southern
[09:20] Aida
    Totty? Aren't you coming to the beach?
[09:22] Totty
    No. I'm never going near the ocean again.
[09:26] Aida
    Aww...
[09:27] Totty
    Sorry. Let's play on land next time.
[09:31] Totty
    Hey, I know. Wanna exchange
    contact information?
[09:33] Aida
    Sure.
[09:36] Todo
    Let's see... Oh, here we go.
[09:41] Todo
    Huh?
[09:42] Todo
    What?!
[09:44] Todo
    Come on!
[09:49] Todo
    Hey! Hey!
[09:51] Todo
    Hey!
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Fireworks"
[10:08] Oso
    Say, Choromatsu.
[10:10] Oso
    Wanna trade your grilled
    squid for my skewer
[10:12] Oso
    that had the grilled squid
    I finished eating on it?
[10:16] Choro
    When are the fireworks gonna start?
[10:18] Todo
    It's still not time?
[10:20] Jyushi
    Fireworks! Fireworks!
[10:21] Jyushi
    Yay!
[10:23] Oso
    Foo! Yeah!
[10:26] Announce
    Thank you for waiting.
[10:28] Announce
    Please enjoy the fireworks.
[10:42] Choro
    Oh, here it comes!
[10:44] Oso
    It's about time!
SIGN    Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    Summer Kamen
[11:55] Kara
    Summer Kamen!
[12:00] Girl
    It's so hot.
[12:01] Guy
    It is. Look, I'm sweating like crazy.
[12:04] Girl
    You're right.
SIGN    Young-Wife- Apartments
[12:10] Kara
    Nice summer!
[12:15] Guy
    I feel alive again!
[12:16] Kara
    Good summer!
[12:19] Boy
    Yay! I caught a rhinoceros beetle!
[12:20] Kid
    Awesome!
[12:21] Kara
    800 summer!
[12:24] Mom
    So close! Too bad.
[12:26] Kara
    Perfect summer!
[12:29] Man
    Look at your farmer's tan!
[12:31] Kara
    20,000 summer!
SIGN    Oh, Summer Vacation
[12:41] Kara
    Summer!
[12:44] ---
    It's summer!
[12:47] Kara
    Summer!
[12:52] Kara
    The name's Summer Kamen!
[12:54] Kara
    Every year when summer rolls around,
    I walk around town looking for summer,
[12:57] Kara
    inject even more summer,
[12:59] Kara
    and watch everyone enjoy summer even
    more while I enjoy the rest of summer.
[13:04] Kara
    That is me, summer.
[13:06] Kara
    Hmm? You don't understand?
[13:07] Kara
    You don't have to.
[13:09] Kara
    My season is here. Thank you.
[13:14] Kara
    Now, my problem is the spineless
    boys who live here.
[13:21] Jyushi
    It's hot...
[13:23] Jyushi
    I can't.
[13:25] Kara
    Oh, bad summer.
[13:28] Choro
    I love you, air conditioner.
[13:29] Kara
    Eleven summer.
[13:31] Totty
    This sucks. I don't want to get burnt.
[13:33] Kara
    Six summer.
[13:36] Ichi
    Drinking hot tea in an
    air-conditioned room...
[13:39] Kara
    No good summer.
[13:41] Oso
    Eating ramen in an air-conditioned
    room is great, too.
[13:44] Kara
    Oh, too bad summer.
[13:46] Both
    Shut up!
[13:48] Oso
    What's your deal, barging in here
    saying "summer, summer"?
[13:50] Oso
    It's creepy as hell.
[13:52] Ichimatsu
    Who the hell are you?
[13:54] Kara
    Me?
[13:56] Kara
    I'm Summer Kamen.
[13:57] Both
    Who?!
[13:59] Kara
    What's wrong with all of you?
    You're pathetic!
[14:01] Kara
    You're letting the heat
    of summer get to you!
[14:04] Choro
    I'm pretty sure it's your head
    that the heat got to.
[14:07] Kara
    Wow, wow, wow! 4,000 summer!
[14:10] Choro
    I don't get how this works.
    Why did he give me summers just now?
[14:14] Kara
    All of you lack summer! You need to
    inject more summer into your lives!
[14:17] Kara
    I'm telling you to brush up on your own
    summers for the impending real summer.
[14:22] Todo
    What are you talking about?
[14:23] Jyushi
    Get lost!
[14:24] Ichi
    Scram.
[14:25] todo
    What's so good about summer anyway?
[14:26] Choro
    It's hot, and you just sweat.
[14:27] Oso
    The beach gets crowded, too.
[14:29] Ichi
    Plus fireworks, packed trains...
[14:29] Kara
    Good grief. I guess I have no choice
    but to use this technique.
[14:30] Oso
    I hate it.
[14:31] Choro
    Hurry up and end, summer.
[14:32] Kara
    You tiny d*cks that lack
    summer... Take this!
[14:37] Kara
    Summer Flash!
[14:40] Kara
    Summer!
[14:42] Kara
    Summer!
[14:44] Kara
    Summer!
[14:47] Kara
    Oh, summer!
[14:49] Kara
    Changing Summer!
[15:03] Five
    It's summer!
[15:05] All
    Wow!
[15:08] All
    It's so fun!
[15:08] Kara
    Well? How do you like the rays? The location?
[15:09] Bg
    It's summer! It's summer!
[15:12] Kara
    Well?!
[15:13] Five
    Nice summer!
[15:15] Kara
    Hmm?
[15:15] Five
    Good summer!
[15:17] Kara
    What was that?
[15:19] Five
    King of Summer!
[15:22] Kara
    Good.
[15:23] Five
    Summer!
[15:26] Oso
    Thank you, Summer Kamen!
[15:28] Choro
    Now we can have a great summer.
[15:30] Totty
    Thanks!
[15:32] Kara
    Summer, summer is here.
[15:36] Kara
    Melt your brain, it's 2,000 summer.
[15:39] Kara
    Brush up on your own summer.
SIGN    Summer Kamen
[15:43] Kara
    Aah, 50,000 summer!
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    Summer Kamen
[15:48] Kara
    50,000, 50,000 summer!
[15:56] Toto
    It's summer!
[15:57] Toto
    It's the ocean! Yay!
SIGN    "Totoko in
    the Summer"
[16:03] Toto
    Oh, there they are!
[16:05] Toto
    Take that!
[16:08] Toto
    And that!
[16:13] Toto
    Snipe!
[16:15] Girl
    There!
[16:17] Toto
    Kaboom!
[16:18] Toto
    Not done yet!
[16:30] Toto
    It's summer!
[16:44] Toto
    Ah, I feel so much better.
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "This Year,
    We'll Finally..."
[17:02] Girl
    Hey!
[17:03] Girl
    Jeez.
[17:14] Oso
    Man, these sunglasses are so convenient.
[17:18] Choro
    They are. We're boldly staring at girls'
    boobs and butts, and no one's getting angry.
[17:25] Kara
    The most important factor in girl
    watching is calm, Choromatsu.
[17:31] Choro
    That's really helpful!
[17:32] Four
    Thanks!
[17:37] Kara
    I don't mind taking back my
    sunglasses right now, you know.
[17:41] Ichi
    Thanks!
[17:43] Oso
    Now then, which one should we choose?
[17:45] Choro
    Which girl should we pick?
[17:47] Oso
    What about her?
[17:48] Oso
    Isn't she cute?
[17:49] Todo
    She's super cute!
[17:50] Jyushi
    Cute!
[17:51] Oso
    And she's got huge boobs!
[17:52] Five
    Yeah.
[17:53] Oso
    She's with other girls,
    so she might not have a boyfriend.
[17:56] Five
    Yeah!
[17:56] Oso
    That's awesome!
[17:58] Five
    It is!
[17:59] Oso
    All right, someone go talk to her.
[18:07] Oso
    Man, these sunglasses are so convenient.
[18:10] Choro
    They are. We're boldly staring at girls'
    boobs and butts, and no one's getting angry.
[18:15] Totty
    Hang on. Are we stuck in some infinite loop?
[18:18] Totty
    You guys keep talking, but not acting.
[18:25] Oso
    All right, I'll go.
[18:27] Oso
    I'm gonna do this! The eldest is
    going to show you how it's done!
[18:30] Todo
    So cool!
[18:31] Choro
    Idiots are so amazing.
[18:33] Jyushi
    I'm not an idiot!
[18:34] Choro
    Uh, I wasn't talking about you.
[18:37] Choro
    Huh?
[18:50] Oso
    Man, talk about awesome.
[18:53] Five
    Hey!
[18:53] Oso
    They're all so plump.
SIGN    Fancy Ice
[18:55] Todo
    What are you doing?
[18:56] Oso
    So plump.
[18:57] Kara
    You're all talk. Pathetic.
[18:59] Oso
    Seriously, extremely plump.
[19:00] Choro
    Did you see some shrimp or something?!
[19:02] Choro
    Would you shut up about things being plump?!
[19:04] Oso
    Well, can you go do it?
    Stop acting all high and mighty.
[19:07] Choro
    No, no. I'm not interested
    in things like this.
[19:10] All
    Grr.
[19:11] Choro
    I mean, even if it worked out,
    it'd all be over once summer ended.
[19:14] Choro
    Since we're all adults here,
[19:16] Choro
    I don't see any point in pursuing
    pointless relationships like—
[19:19] Jyushi
    Up we go!
[19:23] Todo
    He went flying.
[19:24] Oso
    So, who's gonna go next?
[19:27] Kara
    Very well, I accept. I'll go round up
    all the Karamatsu girls on the beach!
[19:39] Ichi
    All right. I'll go.
[19:40] Five
    What?!
[19:42] Todo
    Wait, wait, wait, wait, what?
[19:44] Todo
    You're going to go, Ichimatsu-niisan?
[19:45] Ichi
    Yeah.
[19:46] Oso
    You don't need to push yourself like that.
[19:47] Kara
    Don't push yourself, Ichimatsu.
[19:49] Jyushi
    Ichimatsu-niisan.
[19:50] Todo
    Really, it's okay. We won't force you.
[19:52] Oso
    You don't have to go along with us.
[19:54] Kara
    I'm worried.
[19:55] Jyushi
    Ichimatsu-niisan.
[19:56] Todo
    Just sit down, okay? No, really.
[19:57] Ichi
    Shut up!
[19:59] Ichi
    Why am I the only one you treat like that?!
[20:01] Ichi
    Are you trying to be nice?
    It just pisses me off!
[20:03] Ichi
    I can be a man when it comes to it!
[20:06] Todo
    I-I'm sorry...
[20:07] Oso
    Don't get so angry.
[20:13] Both
    Now you're not gonna go?!
[20:14] Oso
    Really? You're not going after all that?!
SIGN    Hard Rock Kiyoshi
[20:16] Oso
    Why'd you get mad, then?!
[20:17] Ichi
    A guy like me is here at the beach in summer.
    You can't ask any more of me.
[20:22] Oso
    We know! That's why we tried to stop you!
[20:25] Kara
    Which means it's finally my turn, brothers!
[20:33] Oso
    Jyushimatsu?
[20:34] Oso
    You're going? Seriously?
[20:35] Todo
    Well, he is the dark horse out of all of us
[20:37] Todo
    who's actually had somewhat of a girlfriend.
[20:40] Ichi
    Is he going to show us his skills now?
[20:42] Kara
    Are you finally going to move forward
    to find a new love, Jyushimatsu?
[20:48] Kara
    You just needed to relieve
    yourself, Jyushimatsu?
[20:52] Todo
    I guess there's no other choice.
[20:53] Todo
    Totty, you'll just have to
    use the ace up your sleeve.
[20:56] Oso
    Huh?
[20:58] Todo
    Listen. If we keep trying this by one by one,
[21:01] Todo
    we virgin NEETs stand no chance
    against the summer beach.
[21:04] Totty
    We all have to go at once.
[21:05] Five
    All of us?!
[21:06] Totty
    That's right. The sextuplets push.
[21:08] Five
    Sextuplets push?!
[21:09] Todo
    That's our one and only weapon.
[21:11] Todo
    We flaunt the special trait we have
    that no one else has to draw interest.
[21:15] Todo
    I don't know if it'll make girls like us, though.
[21:16] Choro
    I see. So we're going to bet
    on our numbers, right, Sensei?
[21:20] Todo
    No. But it'll at least
    create an opportunity.
[21:24] Todo
    You guys ready?
[21:25] Five
    Yeah...
[21:27] Todo
    We're sextuplets!
[21:29] Choro
    We're sextuplets!
[21:31] Todo
    We have the same face!
[21:33] Both
    We have the same face!
[21:35] Todo
    We're sextuplets!
[21:37] Both
    We're sextuplets!
[21:39] Todo
    We're all sextuplets...
[21:40] Both
    ...with the same face!
[21:42] Oso
    Anyone want us?
[21:43] Guy
    Hey, what's up with those guys?
[21:44] Guy 2
    Aren't sextuplets a lot?
[21:46] Guy 2
    I've seen twins before,
    but they're sextuplets!
[21:48] Guy 2
    Isn't that a lot?
[21:55] Girl
    Can we take a picture with you?
[21:57] Guy
    Do the same pose, like sextuplets!
[22:03] Six
    Sheeeh...
[22:07] Girls
    What's with these guys? They're hilarious!
[22:09] Oso
    W-We'll have to try again next year...
[22:12] Girl
    Seriously?
[22:12] Five
    Yeah...
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
[23:44] Iyami
    There's always someone better than you.
[23:46] Iyami
    The sextuplets don't
    understand that at all!
[23:50] Iyami
    Observe me, and get a clue.
    Sheeeh, sheeeh, sheeeh!
SIGN    "Iyami Has Arrived" etc.

E6 - Iyami Has Arrived

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "Iyami Has Arrived"
[01:34] Oso
    What? Seriously?
[01:36] Oso
    Mom and Dad left on a trip?
[01:38] Choro
    Yeah. Apparently.
[01:40] Todo
    They didn't tell us, did they?
[01:42] Kara
    Nope.
[01:43] Jyu
    Didn't hear a thing.
[01:44] Choro
    When I woke up, I found this letter.
SIGN    To our beloved NEETs, Your parents will be going on a trip by themselves. Well? Aren't you jealous? Aren't adults who actually work for a living great, NEETs? We get to go to a hot spring if we randomly feel like it.
[01:48] Ichi
    "To our beloved NEETs.
[01:50] Ichi
    Your parents will be going
    on a trip by themselves.
[01:54] Ichi
    Well? Aren't you jealous?
[01:56] Ichi
    Aren't adults who actually work
    for a living great, NEETs?
[01:59] Ichi
    We get to go to a hot spring
    if we randomly feel like it.
[02:02] Ichi
    We won't be back for a few days, so kthnxbye."
[02:07] Kara
    Well, that's not nice.
[02:09] Todo
    It's not. Our parents totally
    tried to egg us on.
[02:11] Ichi
    "PS: Allow us to yell at you in advance.
[02:15] Ichi
    What are you talking about?!
    Who do you think you are?!
[02:17] Ichi
    Just because your parents
    left for a couple of days!
[02:20] Ichi
    You should be ashamed
    of yourselves, you assholes!
[02:22] Ichi
    That is all. Love, Mom and Dad."
[02:24] Todo
    Was that even necessary?
    They just went off on us as a PS!
[02:27] Oso
    And why are they yelling at us in advance?!
[02:29] Jyu
    Yeah!
[02:30] Choro
    So, yeah. That's apparently what's going on,
    so let's try to survive for a couple of days.
[02:36] Choro
    Look, it seems like they left
    us a little bit of money.
[02:40] Choro
    I'm sure nothing too bad will happen.
[02:43] Todo
    Looks like something already did.
[02:45] Oso
    Huh? It's gone!
[02:46] Oso
    There's nothing in here!
[02:49] Todo
    Way to go, Choromatsu-niisan!
[02:52] Oso
    That's mine!
[02:55] Oso
    That's my money!
[02:57] Kara
    Go, Choromatsu! Leave this to us!
[02:59] Jyu
    Go, Choromatsu-niisan! Don't worry about us!
[03:02] Ichi
    Hurry!
[03:03] Todo
    That money's basically our lifeline,
    so make sure you hide it somewhere safe.
[03:08] Choro
    Got it.
[03:12] Todo
    What now?
[03:13] Todo
    What's—
[03:20] Todo
    I-Iyami?
[03:22] Iyami
    Sheeeh...
[03:25] Iyami
    Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh-Sheeeh...
[03:26] Choro
    Hey, don't come in here!
[03:27] Choro
    Don't come in here! Hey!
[03:29] Oso
    Wait, why are you so beat up?
[03:32] Iyami
    H-Help me, Osomatsu...
[03:36] Todo
    Stop!
[03:39] Iyami
    Me hasn't eaten anything in so long...
[03:42] Oso
    Oh, really? Go home.
[03:43] Iyami
    Me is going to die.
[03:44] Oso
    Go home.
[03:45] Iyami
    Going to die...
[03:46] Oso
    Leave.
[03:50] Iyami
    There's something wrong with this world.
[03:53] Iyami
    Me worked so hard, and yet look at me!
[03:56] Iyami
    Me hasn't been able to
    save any money at all!
[03:58] Iyami
    Me worked...
[04:00] (Flashback) Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[04:02] Iyami
    And worked...
SIGN    Here's your box
[04:04] (Flashback) Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[04:05] Iyami
    And worked...
SIGN    Redo!! Go back to
    the country! You suck!
[04:07] (Flashback) Iyami
    Sheeeh!
SIGN    Now hiring!
SIGN    Totally free!! Pink Salon Iyami
SIGN    Totally free
[04:08] Iyami
    Worked, worked, and worked some more...
[04:12] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[04:15] Iyami
    Ah, this is the true meaning
    of social polarization.
[04:18] Choro
    Society has nothing to do with this, does it?
[04:20] Choro
    It's just that you sucked
    at your jobs, right?
[04:22] Iyami
    And so me is going to let you all save
    a poor victim of society like myself.
[04:31] Iyami
    Me is going to let you save—
[04:36] Choro
    Let's throw him into the ocean.
[04:38] Oso
    Roger!
[04:40] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[04:43] Iyami
    What's the big idea? Me almost died!
[04:46] Oso
    Don't worry. You'll live to be 4,000.
[04:49] Iyami
    Damn it. Don't you have a conscience at all?
[04:52] Choro
    Not in the least, surprisingly.
[04:54] Iyami
    What about compassion?!
[04:55] Ichi
    Nope, surprisingly.
[04:58] Iyami
    Don't say that! We're old friends!
[05:01] Iyami
    Just feed me a little!
[05:03] Iyami
    Take care of me!
[05:04] Iyami
    Please? Please?
[05:08] Todo
    No!
[05:12] Kara
    We get that you've hit some hard times,
[05:15] Kara
    but we're also in a crisis
    ourselves because we're stuck
[05:20] Kara
    with our stupid, useless, piece of
    shit eldest brother for a few days
[05:23] Kara
    without our parents.
[05:24] Oso
    Yeah!
[05:28] Choro
    We don't have any money to give you.
[05:30] Choro
    So go on, get lost.
[05:32] Iyami
    Money? Food?
[05:33] Iyami
    What are you talking about?
[05:36] Iyami
    Me doesn't need anything so luxurious.
[05:41] Iyami
    Let's see...
[05:43] Iyami
    Th-These are... losing horse race tickets!
[05:46] Iyami
    Are you going to throw them away?
[05:48] Oso
    Of course. They're losing tickets.
[05:51] Iyami
    What do you think?
[05:54] Iyami
    They're safe!
[05:59] Oso
    Hey! What the heck are you doing?!
[06:01] Iyami
    I can get a really good stock from these.
[06:03] Oso
    Huh?!
[06:04] Iyami
    Are you going to get rid of this?
[06:06] Jyu
    Yeah, we are. Because that's
    last week's horse race paper.
[06:13] Iyami
    It's safe!
[06:15] Jyu
    What are you doing?!
SIGN    With DVD Pachinko Winning Guide
SIGN    Kokko-chan Osomatsu-sama
SIGN    This might be okay!
[06:18] Kara
    They're old magazines.
    Of course we're pitching them.
[06:21] Iyami
    Me is going to try deep-frying these.
[06:24] Kara
    What?! Why?!
[06:25] Todo
    We're tossing those.
[06:26] Ichi
    We're tossing them.
SIGN    Canned Bonito
SIGN    Tuna
SIGN    Job Hunting
[06:27] Choro
    Tossing.
[06:28] Kara
    Tossing.
[06:29] Oso
    Tossing.
[06:30] Kara
    Tossing.
[06:31] Choro
    Tossing.
[06:32] Ichi
    Tossing.
[06:33] Jyushi
    Tossing.
[06:34] Todo
    Tossing.
[06:38] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[06:42] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[06:43] Iyami
    Iyami's full-course meal is complete.
[06:46] Iyami
    Me hasn't been able to
    splurge this much in ages.
[06:49] Iyami
    Me is going to dig right in!
[06:57] Iyami
    Delicious! The zero-yen cost as the
    secret ingredient sure hits the spot.
[07:03] Iyami
    So good!
[07:04] Ichi
    Seriously?
[07:05] Choro
    He's not human...
[07:07] Todo
    Go home! Please!
[07:09] Oso
    Don't end up like this in
    the future, Karamatsu.
[07:11] Kara
    Don't end up like this in
    the future, Osomatsu.
[07:14] Oso
    Be careful.
[07:15] Kara
    You better be careful.
[07:16] Ichi
    Hey, Jyushimatsu.
[07:25] Choro
    What's wrong with him?
[07:27] Oso
    I-Iyami?
[07:28] Iyami
    Sh-Sheeeh!
[07:29] Oso
    What's wrong?
[07:30] Iyami
    My stomach... My stomach!
[07:32] Both
    Your stomach?
[07:33] Iyami
    My stomach hurts! Sheeeh!
[07:35] Iyami
    It's coming out!
[07:37] Oso
    Hey, you can't be serious!
[07:40] Iyami
    It's coming out!
[07:41] Kara
    The bathroom's over there!
[07:42] Iyami
    It's coming out!
[07:44] Jyushi
    The bathroom's over there!
[07:45] Iyami
    It's coming out!
[07:46] Choro
    What the hell is he doing?
[07:47] Iyami
    It's coming out!
[07:48] Choro
    What is this ridiculousness?!
[07:48] Iyami
    It's coming out!
[07:51] Oso
    We're telling you the bathroom's over there!
[07:53] Iyami
    B-But using the bathroom
    would be such a waste!
[07:55] Oso
    Huh?
[07:56] Iyami
    It's a waste of paper and water!
[07:58] Oso
    Just hurry up and go, you idiot!
[07:59] Oso
    It'll be 100 times worse
    if you shit yourself!
[08:01] Iyami
    It's all right. As long as me has this.
[08:05] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[08:12] Six
    Hey!
[08:14] Iyami
    Surprisingly, me loves cleanliness.
[08:19] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[08:27] Iyami
    This is my special technique: Washeeehlet!
[08:30] Iyami
    Me took care of business
    without spending any money.
[08:32] Six
    How?!
[08:34] Six
    What are we going to do with him?!
[08:35] Six
    At this rate, our house
    is going to be destroyed.
[08:38] Six
    Let's just treat him for the
    meal and get him out of here.
[08:42] Todo
    Here, wipe.
[08:43] Iyami
    Thank you kindly.
[08:45] Jyushi
    Hide your front.
[08:46] Iyami
    Thanks.
[08:48] Ichi
    Here.
[08:50] Iyami
    Me gladly accepts.
[08:54] Iyami
    Sheeeh! So good!
[08:56] Iyami
    This is much easier to eat than trash.
[09:00] Oso
    So he was really just trying
    to get a meal out of us.
[09:03] Kara
    Don't end up like this, Osomatsu.
[09:05] Oso
    Don't be like this, Karamatsu.
[09:07] Choro
    Iyami.
[09:09] Choro
    After you eat that, go home.
[09:11] Iyami
    But of course.
[09:13] Choro
    I'm serious.
[09:14] Iyami
    Oh, come now. Even me wouldn't
    overstay my welcome.
[09:25] Iyami
    Me is sorry for all the trouble.
[09:27] Kara
    Leave after you eat that.
[09:29] Iyami
    But of course.
[09:31] Kara
    It's a promise.
[09:32] Iyami
    Of course!
[09:32] Iyami
    You know, you six are actually really nice.
[09:37] Iyami
    Despite saying no, you ended
    up feeding me anyway.
[09:41] Iyami
    That proves you're all pure-hearted.
[09:45] Kara
    But you're still going home today.
[09:47] Kara
    Got it?
[09:48] Iyami
    Of course.
[09:52] Jyu
    Here, Iyami.
[09:54] Iyami
    Sheeeh! Are you sure?!
[09:56] Jyu
    Just once. Since you're here.
[09:58] Iyami
    Me can feel the love.
[10:02] Ichi
    Here. Have this.
[10:04] Iyami
    Oh, you shouldn't have!
[10:07] Ichi
    It's nothing.
[10:08] Iyami
    You're so kind!
[10:12] Iyami
    Everyone! Allow me to
    introduce these gentlemen.
[10:16] Iyami
    These blessed, honorable sextuplets here
    are the true saviors of the world!
[10:20] Iyami
    These godly sextuplets saved my life!
[10:23] Iyami
    Worship them! Worship them!
[10:25] Iyami
    Sheeeh! The exalted six are coming through!
[10:28] Iyami
    They are so bright, me can't see!
[10:33] Iyami
    This futon's so warm.
    Me is so glad to be alive.
[10:36] Iyami
    Me is blessed.
[10:40] Todo
    Hey, Iyami.
[10:43] Todo
    You can stay here forever.
[10:45] Iyami
    B-But that's...
[10:47] Todo
    I said it's fine.
    Just let us take care of you.
[10:51] Iyami
    Y-You guys...
[10:54] Iyami
    Me will follow you six until my death.
[10:58] Iyami
    And me will repay you for
    your kindness one day.
[11:05] Todo
    Oh, you idiot.
[11:06] Choro
    I'm not sure why, but I feel like
    I'll sleep really well today.
[11:09] Jyu
    Yup.
[11:11] Iyami
    Well, everyone, me bids you goodnight
    with hopes of a hopeful tomorrow.
[11:16] Six
    Night.
[11:25] Oso
    What the hell is this?!
[11:27] Five
    What?
[11:30] Oso
    The money's gone, too!
[11:32] Oso
    That bastard!
[11:33] Oso
    Hey, Iyami! Where are you?!
[11:35] Oso
    Come out!
[11:37] Iyami
    What's the matter?
[11:41] Oso
    Hey! Why are you wearing my shirt?!
[11:45] Iyami
    Doesn't it look great on me?
[11:46] Oso
    Take it off!
[11:47] Iyami
    This belongs to me.
[11:49] Iyami
    Social media games are so much fun!
[11:52] Todo
    That's my smartphone!
    No one said you could touch it!
[11:56] Todo
    Level 520...
[11:57] Todo
    How much real money did you spend on this?!
[11:59] Iyami
    Me doesn't remember.
[12:03] Oso
    You bastard, Iyami!
[12:04] Oso
    What is your deal?
    You said so yourself, didn't you?
[12:07] Oso
    That you'd follow us until you
    die and repay us someday?
[12:11] Iyami
    Did me say anything like that?
[12:13] Six
    Yes!
[12:14] Iyami
    It doesn't matter anymore.
[12:17] Iyami
    Me almost died yesterday,
    and that's why me asked for help.
[12:21] Iyami
    But now that me has had my fill and lots
    of sleep, me is completely better!
[12:24] Iyami
    Who cares about all of you?
[12:26] Jyu
    But we helped you!
[12:28] Iyami
    Oh? Is it really called helping when you're
    just looking for something in return?
[12:33] Ichi
    I knew we should've just abandoned you.
[12:36] Iyami
    Abandoned? You're such heartless people!
[12:42] Six
    Iyami...
[12:45] Iyami
    Stop it! M-M-M-Me is sorry!
[12:47] Iyami
    Forgive me!
[12:50] Iyami
    It was just a whim!
[12:52] Iyami
    Me will never do it again!
[12:54] Iyami
    Me promises!
[12:56] Oso
    Stop attacking us while you
    say all that, you dumbass!
[12:59] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[13:00] Iyami
    You six grew up living too comfortably!
    You're no match for me!
[13:04] Iyami
    Me is a true pro.
[13:07] Oso
    Choromatsu!
[13:08] Iyami
    Me let my guard down...
[13:10] Choro
    Do it!
[13:11] Choro
    Even if I have to go with him!
[13:13] Choro
    Kill him!
[13:14] Iyami
    N-Now let's not get hasty!
    We can talk this out!
[13:18] Choro
    You're finished, Iyami.
[13:23] Kara
    It's finally time to meet your maker.
[13:25] Kara
    You're going to learn that
    the world isn't so kind!
SIGN    The world isn't so kind!!
[13:35] Choro
    Huh?
[13:36] Todo
    Why, you little... You're all talk!
SIGN    You're all talk!
[13:43] Choro
    Huh?
[13:44] Jyushi
    That's enough, you freeloader!
SIGN    You freeloader!!
[13:50] Choro
    Hey!
[13:51] Choro
    All the words you're saying are turning into
    boomerangs and coming back to stab you!
[13:55] Choro
    You need to choose your
    words wisely, or we're finished!
[13:58] Ichi
    You pathetic adult who can't
    do anything on your own!
SIGN    You pathetic adult who can't do anything on your own!!
[14:04] Choro
    I told you to choose your words wisely!
[14:06] Oso
    If you don't reflect upon your actions,
    you're going to end up alone someday!
SIGN    If you don't reflect upon your actions, you're going to end up alone someday!
[14:11] Choro
    Are you guys stupid?!
[14:12] Kara
    Piece of shit!
[14:13] Todo
    Trash!
[14:13] Jyushi
    Filth!
[14:14] Ichi
    You're awful!
[14:15] Oso
    The worst!
[14:16] Five
    People like you will get
    what you deserve someday!
SIGN    People like you will get what you deserve someday!
[14:22] Choro
    What is that?! It's not
    even a boomerang anymore!
[14:37] Iyami
    Huh? What happened?
[14:41] Iyami
    Me apparently won. Me is so blessed!
[14:45] Iyami
    Well, thanks for everything.
[14:53] Iyami
    Of course the person who says
    what's right is going to win.
[14:56] Iyami
    That's how the world works.
[14:58] Iyami
    Evil should die!
SIGN    Evil should die!
[15:06] Iyami
    Sheh?!
[15:16] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "I Want Some Friends, Jo"
[15:31] Chibi
    Oh, hey, Hatabou.
    Whaddya got on your face there?
[15:35] Hata
    This is a robbery, jo.
[15:36] Chibi
    Huh?
[15:37] Hata
    This is a robbery, jo.
[15:39] Hata
    Don't try anything funny,
    and bring out your friends, jo.
[15:44] Chibi
    Friends?
[15:45] Chibi
    What are you even saying with
    that toy pistol in your hand?
[15:50] Chibi
    Huh?
[15:55] Chibi
    Here.
[15:58] Chibi
    Don't look so down, you idjit.
    You're gonna bring me down, too.
[16:07] Chibi
    Committing a robbery
    because you want friends?
[16:09] Chibi
    Trying to scare me with this so
    I'd bring out my friends, huh...
[16:12] Chibi
    Are you dumb?
[16:17] Chibi
    Do you really not have any friends?
[16:19] Chibi
    You have at least one,
    don't you? Think really hard.
[16:25] Chibi
    Remember your friend!
[16:28] Chibi
    You have one, right?
[16:33] Hata
    Nope, jo.
[16:34] Chibi
    What?!
[16:35] Chibi
    That hurt! I don't count
    as one of your friends?!
[16:40] Hata
    Everyone is nice, jo.
    Everyone talks to me lots.
[16:45] Chibi
    Right?
[16:46] Hata
    But...
[16:51] Chibi
    Well, whatever. You want friends, right?
[16:53] Chibi
    All right. Then let's go
    find you some friends.
[16:57] Hata
    Jo?
[16:58] Chibi
    Come on, let's go, you idjit.
[17:04] Toto
    Don't tear off my scales, my heart is full.
[17:08] Crowd
    One serving of squid!
[17:10] Toto
    Love is an illusion.
[17:11] Crowd
    Fish dried overnight!
[17:13] Toto
    All people breathe through gills!
[17:22] Toto
    So jealous...
[17:24] Toto
    That just slipped out naturally! Scary!
[17:26] Chibi
    Totoko-chan.
[17:30] Toto
    Huh? Friends?
[17:31] Chibi
    Yeah. He says he wants some.
[17:34] Toto
    Huh... But I don't have any friends, either.
[17:38] Chibi
    Wait, you don't?!
[17:39] Toto
    No. I only have enemies.
[17:43] Toto
    Okay, Hatabou, I'll be your friend.
[17:47] Toto
    Huh? Wait, he doesn't want that?
[17:49] Toto
    What's with that reaction, huh?
[17:51] Chibi
    N-No, no, no, no, no... That's not...
[17:54] Toto
    Then what's it supposed to mean?
[17:55] Chibi
    M-Maybe he's being shy...
[17:57] Toto
    Really?!
[17:58] Chibi
    Ow, ow, ow, ow!
[18:00] Toto
    Oh, I know.
[18:01] Toto
    Want to ask someone else, then?
[18:03] ---
    Jo?
[18:05] Todo
    Huh? You want friends?
SIGN    Akatsuka Bath
[18:10] Todo
    Wait. What are friends, anyway?
[18:13] Chibi
    What?!
[18:14] Toto
    I see. So "friend" doesn't even exist
    in Todomatsu-kun's vocabulary.
[18:19] Todo
    That's some kind of folktale, right?
[18:20] Todo
    It's some kind of institution
    that existed in the Edo period.
[18:23] Chibi
    No, you idjit! They exist now, too!
[18:25] Todo
    What? It still exists?
[18:26] Todo
    This institution called "friends"?
[18:27] Chibi
    It's not an institution!
[18:28] Toto
    Todomatsu-kun, you know a lot
    of people, so do you know
[18:31] Toto
    anyone who might be Hatabou's friend?
[18:36] Todo
    Honestly, isn't that pretty hard?
[18:38] Todo
    Becoming Hatabou's friend
    seems pretty difficult.
[18:41] Chibi
    Hey!
[18:42] Todo
    Well, I'll see if I can find anyone.
[18:44] Toto
    Thanks.
[18:46] Jyu
    Huh? Hatabou?
[18:48] Jyu
    Roger!
[18:49] Ichi
    Friends? Oh, really?
[18:53] Choro
    He wants friends? Hatabou?
[18:56] Kara
    Friend.
[18:58] Kara
    It has a nice ring to it. Leave it to me!
[19:01] Oso
    Too tired. Too much work.
[19:03] Deka
    Friends? Well, they're very important.
[19:07] Dayon
    I want some, too.
[19:14] Ichi
    A friend for Hatabou... Who'd be best?
[19:18] Toto
    Probably someone nice?
[19:20] Jyushi
    Well, Hatabou is pretty timid.
[19:22] Ichi
    You really don't have even one?
[19:25] Hata
    Nope, jo.
[19:26] Kara
    Can you think of someone
    who might be your friend?
[19:29] Deka
    What kind of person do you consider a friend?
[19:34] Dayon
    Take your time.
[19:37] Todo
    Yeah, think it through.
[19:43] Hata
    No idea, jo.
[19:44] Oso
    What?! Seriously?
[19:46] Oso
    How are we supposed to find one, then?
    What's wrong with you?
[19:52] Group
    What's wrong with you?
[19:54] Group
    Come on, Hatabou.
[19:56] Ichi
    Where do friends exist, anyway?
    This is hard, Hatabou.
[20:00] Hata
    It is, jo.
[20:02] Todo
    You know, this is all up to you, Hatabou.
[20:05] Todo
    Do you want someone cheerful
    or someone funny?
[20:07] Oso
    Or someone to lend you money
    when you're in trouble?
[20:09] Choro
    That's what you want.
[20:11] Jyushi
    What kind of friend do you want, Hatabou?
[20:15] Hata
    I don't know, jo.
[20:16] Todo
    Yeah, it's hard. If we could figure
    that out, it'd make things way easier.
[20:20] Ichi
    Oh, then...
[20:22] Ichi
    Want to go look for one somewhere tomorrow?
[20:24] Jyu
    Huh? A friend?
[20:25] Ichi
    Yeah.
[20:26] Hata
    That sounds like fun, jo.
[20:27] Deka
    Or I could make you a robot
    friend at my laboratory.
[20:32] Hata
    Jo?
[20:32] Oso
    Hey, that's a good idea.
[20:35] Kara
    Nice one, Dekapan.
[20:36] Dayon
    I'll help!
[20:38] Toto
    Wait, you guys. Hatabou doesn't
    look too happy about that.
[20:44] Oso
    We're just kidding, Hatabou.
[20:45] Kara
    Don't take it seriously.
[20:47] Choro
    You dummy.
[20:55] Six
    Come on.
[20:57] Six
    What's wrong with you, man?
[21:03] Chibi
    Hey, Hatabou. So, did you find some friends?
[21:07] All
    Oden!
[21:09] All
    We were waiting for this!
[21:13] Hata
    Everyone, thanks for everything today, jo.
[21:15] Hata
    See you later, jo.
[21:17] Ichi
    Yeah, see ya later.
[21:19] Hata
    Bye-bye, jo.
[21:20] All
    Bye!
[21:24] Chibi
    Sheesh... Saying he wants friends,
    after all we've been through?
[21:28] Deka
    He might've just gotten a little insecure.
[21:31] Choro
    Insecure?
[21:33] Dayon
    An unidentified loneliness.
[21:35] Toto
    I see...
[21:39] Chibi
    I guess you six wouldn't understand.
[21:46] Chibi
    I'm sure you've gotten through to him.
[21:48] Chibi
    Everything should be okay now.
[21:53] Man
    It's an emergency!
    There's been a bank robbery!
[21:57] Hata
    Bring it out, jo.
[21:59] Hata
    A sweet, cute girlfriend with a great
    personality who only has eyes for me, jo.
[22:07] Hata
    Hand over a girlfriend, jo! I'm Hatabou!
[22:10] Chibi
    This is beyond me, you idjit.
[22:12] Chibi
    Now, jo! Give me a girlfriend!
SIGN    End
[22:14] Chibi
    You're on your own.
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
[23:47] Todo
    Flirting, mixers, having
    encounters, and using apps.
[23:49] Todo
    A meeting between a boy and girl...
    Talk about troubled times!
SIGN    "Osomatsu and Todomatsu" etc.
[23:51] Todo
    Totty wants to get better at all of that!

E7 - Osomatsu and Todomatsu

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Cavematsu-san
[00:05] All
    Cavematsu-san!
SIGN    Museum
[00:52] Lady
    And this is the biggest
    exhibit at our museum,
[00:55] Lady
    a petrified mammoth.
[00:58] Lady
    For some reason, there were
    dead cavemen in its body.
[01:01] Lady
    How did this happen?
[01:03] Lady
    Experts are still unable to explain it.
SIGN    End
SIGN    Sangokushi-san
[02:45] Nar
    So for whatever reason,
[02:47] Nar
    we're doing The Romance of
    the Three Kingdoms this time.
SIGN    Wu
SIGN    Wei
SIGN    Shu
[02:51] Nar
    Around 2000 AD, the Chinese
    kingdoms of Wei, Wu, and Shu
[02:56] Nar
    opposed each other and were
    fighting hard for supremacy.
[03:00] Nar
    However, did you know there
    was actually a fourth force
[03:04] Nar
    that also existed around this time?
SIGN    Matsu
[03:06] Nar
    Its name was... Matsu.
SIGN    Nihao
SIGN    Matsu Castle
SIGN    Unify
    the Country
[03:10] Nar
    What kind of kingdom was Matsu?
SIGN    Emperor
SIGN    Sake
[03:14] Nar
    This was Matsu.
[03:16] Oso
    We're going to win!
[03:18] Five
    As you wish! Yes, yes!
[03:19] Oso
    We're going to attack!
[03:20] Five
    As you wish! Yes, yes!
[03:22] Oso
    Let's take over the country!
[03:23] Five
    As you wish! Yes, yes!
[03:27] Oso
    Man, it's so fun being me.
    Everything is so merry.
[03:30] Oso
    Let's hurry up and take
    over the country, ‘kay?
[03:32] Choro
    Emperor.
[03:33] Choro
    Our empire is small, yet very powerful.
[03:35] Choro
    With our numbers, we'll have no
    problem taking over the country.
[03:39] Oso
    Really? You sound pretty shady.
[03:41] Choro
    First, there is something called a
    strategist that you need in any battle.
[03:46] Oso
    Strategist?
[03:49] Oso
    That's the strategist?
[03:49] Oso
    He's got snot dripping from his nose.
    Can he be trusted?
[03:53] Oso
    He's eating peaches now.
    Does he like peaches or something?
[03:55] Jyu
    I love them!
[03:56] Jyu
    Love them! Love them!
[03:56] Oso
    And he's speaking pretty
    casually to the emperor.
[03:58] Jyu
    I love peaches!
[03:58] Choro
    Then we have the brave general.
[04:00] Oso
    Brave general?
[04:05] Choro
    He's filled with loyalty and combative
    spirit. He's extremely reliable.
[04:08] Kara
    Emperor! Emp'ror!
[04:13] Oso
    Huh? What's he saying?
[04:15] Kara
    Em'ror!
[04:16] Oso
    Isn't he taking his title a bit far?
    Brave seems to have turned into crazy.
[04:22] Oso
    Yeah, I can't hear him at all.
[04:29] Oso
    Uh, he died? What?!
[04:30] Choro
    And then we have the barbarian king.
[04:32] ---
    What's a barbarian king?
[04:34] Choro
    He usually doesn't work under any authority,
    but if you can tame him,
[04:37] Choro
    he's sure to prove useful.
[04:39] Choro
    He's absolutely necessary
    to establish a kingdom.
[04:41] Oso
    Uh, but he just took a dump.
SIGN    Lord
SIGN    Sake
[04:44] Oso
    Do people usually poop
    this much? Is he okay?
[04:48] Oso
    You're still not done?
    You can seriously stop.
[04:50] Oso
    I don't want any of this!
[04:51] Choro
    Then we have the youthful talent.
[04:54] Choro
    A hundred generals, a thousand...
    Who knows how much he'll grow?
[04:57] Kara
    Hey, you! You need to train properly!
[05:00] Todo
    What? I just got yelled at.
[05:02] Todo
    Yeah, I quit. I'm going to another kingdom.
[05:05] Oso
    He's a millennial. Don't need him.
[05:07] Oso
    So, who are you?
[05:09] Choro
    I am a civil servant who aids
    in governing the empire.
[05:12] Choro
    I'll use my intelligence and experience
    to one day cause a coup d'état
SIGN    Totoko
[05:15] Choro
    and steal the position of emperor.
[05:17] Oso
    You're the most worthless one here!
    Who do you think you are?!
[05:19] Choro
    Now, my emperor.
[05:20] Choro
    You should stop yapping so we can
    hurry up and attack our enemies!
[05:23] Oso
    You're the one who started yapping.
[05:26] Oso
    Well, I guess we can give it a try.
    Hey, someone get a map!
SIGN    Emperor
[05:29] All
    As you wish! Yes, yes!
SIGN    Wei
SIGN    Shu
SIGN    Wu
[05:43] Oso
    By the way, how do you even
    read this? I can't read it.
[05:47] Kara
    Strategist! How do you read this?
[05:49] Jyu
    Huh?
SIGN    Wei
[05:49] Choro
    Well, this place looks strong,
    so let's not go here.
[05:52] Choro
    It has the character for "ogre" in it.
[05:54] All
    Yeah, yeah.
[05:55] Ichi
    I don't wanna go here.
    It has "bug" in it. I don't like bugs.
SIGN    Shu
[05:59] All
    Yeah, yeah.
[06:01] Jyushi
    Then that leaves...
SIGN    Wu
[06:02] Jyushi
    this one, "Kure."
[06:05] Oso
    Okay. We're going to kick Kure's ass!
[06:07] All
    As you wish! Yes, yes!
[06:09] Oso
    We're going to attack!
[06:10] All
    As you wish! Yes, yes!
[06:12] Oso
    Let's take over the country!
[06:13] All
    As you wish! Yes, yes!
SIGN    Welcome
SIGN    Matsu Castle
[06:15] Oso
    Go!
SIGN    Matsu Castle
SIGN    Unify the Country
[06:28] Todo
    It's too far! We're never going
    to get there by running!
[06:32] Choro
    Where is Kure? I'm beat.
[06:34] Kara
    This is where the strategist comes in.
    Do you have any good strategies?
[06:38] Jyushi
    Peaches!
[06:39] Ichi
    So good.
[06:40] Jyushi
    Strategist!
[06:42] Todo
    Wanna quit taking over the country, then?
[06:44] Oso
    Huh?
[06:46] Todo
    I'm honestly not too serious about this.
[06:49] Todo
    I just sorta wanted to yell, "As you wish!
    Yes, yes," along with everyone else.
[06:51] Oso
    Huh?
[06:53] Ichi
    Me, too.
[06:53] ---
    Huh?
[06:54] Choro
    Same goes for me.
[06:55] Oso
    Huh?!
[06:56] Choro
    Me, too.
[06:57] Jyushi
    Me, too!
[06:57] Oso
    What?! All of you?!
[06:58] Ichi
    I just wanted to have fun with everyone.
[07:02] Choro
    Shouldn't make this a job.
    Should just keep this a hobby.
[07:06] Oso
    You guys can't be serious!
    That's not what you said earlier!
[07:09] Kara
    Shut up!
[07:13] Kara
    Who's there?
[07:21] Guy
    I'm fine now.
[07:24] Oso
    May I ask you for your name?
[07:26] Guy
    My name is Sousou.
[07:29] All
    S-Sousou?
[07:32] Jyu
    Who's that?
[07:32] Ichi
    No idea. What a weird name.
[07:35] Todo
    Such a weird name.
[07:38] Sou
    I am the prime minister of
    the great country of China!
[07:41] All
    Th-The prime minister of China?
[07:43] Jyushi
    What's China? Some kind of kingdom?
[07:45] Ichi
    No idea. What a weird name.
[07:46] Todo
    Such a weird name.
[07:51] Oso
    More importantly, doesn't your attitude
    sort of suck, considering we just saved you?
[07:54] Kara
    Yeah, I thought that, too.
    Sousou-dono should be thanking us first.
[07:58] Oso
    Yup, yup.
[08:02] Oso
    I didn't mean that as a pun on your
    name. It was just a coincidence.
[08:06] Oso
    It was! Come on, you're embarrassing me.
[08:10] Sou
    Wh-What are all of you doing here?
[08:14] Jyushi
    Huh? We're getting ready
    to take over the country.
[08:16] Sou
    With your numbers?
[08:17] Jyushi
    What about you, old man? Whatcha doin'?
[08:19] Jyushi
    Were you fighting?
[08:22] Sou
    I was at the Battle of the Red Cliffs.
[08:24] Six
    Red Cliffs?
[08:25] Sou
    It's a crucial battle that may decide
    who will rule over the country.
[08:29] Sou
    I've been slightly delayed,
    but I can't continue to sit here.
[08:32] Kara
    Hey, what are you doing?
[08:34] Choro
    You're going back with those wounds?
[08:36] Sou
    Yes.
[08:37] Ichi
    Well, that's stupid. You really shouldn't.
[08:39] Jyushi
    There's no way you can win
    when you're that beat up.
[08:41] Sou
    But this battle will decide
    the fate of the country!
[08:45] Oso
    Well, who cares about the country?
[08:48] Oso
    We're more worried about your health.
[08:51] Todo
    There's no point if you die.
[08:53] Choro
    It's probably better to run right now.
[08:55] Kara
    Rest.
[08:56] Ichi
    There are just some things you can't do.
[08:58] Oso
    Just give it up.
[09:00] Jyushi
    Go home, go home.
[09:11] Sou
    It could be that it is men
    like you who are honest,
[09:16] Sou
    earnest, and without malice who will
    lead these troubled times to peace.
[09:23] Sou
    Hopefully we'll meet again.
[09:26] Sou
    Thanks for everything.
[09:32] Jyushi
    Did he just compliment us?
[09:33] Choro
    Apparently.
[09:35] Ichi
    I feel good.
[09:36] Todo
    Yeah.
[09:38] Oso
    Come to think of it, I think I've
    heard the name "Sousou" before.
[09:41] Kara
    Is he someone important?
[09:42] Oso
    Yup, yup.
SIGN    Wei
SIGN    Wu
[09:58] Oso
    So these are the Red Cliffs...
[10:00] Kara
    I'm sure we can do it if we try.
[10:02] Todo
    Let's do this!
[10:03] Jyushi
    We can do it.
[10:05] Ichi
    Yeah.
[10:05] Choro
    I won't let this end as a hobby.
[10:07] Oso
    Let's win!
[10:09] Five
    As you wish! Yes, yes!
[10:10] Oso
    Let's attack!
[10:11] Five
    As you wish! Yes, yes!
[10:13] Oso
    Let's take over the country!
[10:14] Five
    As you wish! Yes, yes!
[10:21] Oso
    Charge!
[10:38] Jyu
    B-B-Boehba!
[10:59] Sou
    I placed my hope in them, but...
[11:04] Sou
    I was wrong!
SIGN    Fin
[11:09] oso
    Yay!
SIGN    "Osomatsu and Todomatsu"
[11:10] oso
    It's a mixer! It's a mixer festival!
[11:14] Oso
    Mix-er! Mix-er! Mix-er! Mix-er!
[11:16] Todo
    Uh, Osomatsu-niisan.
[11:18] Todo
    What's with that dance? Weirdo.
[11:20] Todo
    And if you go to a mixer hyped up like that,
    you're gonna fail for sure, so just stop.
[11:24] Oso
    Everyone! Today's the day I get a girlfriend!
[11:26] Todo
    A girlfriend? As if.
[11:28] Oso
    I might actually graduate
    from being a virgin!
[11:31] Todo
    You know, Osomatsu-niisan,
    we've never even met these girls before.
[11:35] Oso
    Thank you so much, Totty!
[11:36] Todo
    Close, close, close, way too close!
[11:37] Oso
    I mean, you have five older brothers, right?
SIGN    Please throw away your garbage here
[11:40] Oso
    You made the right choice by choosing me.
[11:43] Oso
    I'm the funniest and the most popular. Nice!
[11:46] Todo
    Uh, it's not like I actually picked you.
[11:48] Todo
    You said you won at the horse races,
[11:50] Todo
    so as long as you pay for stuff, it's all good.
[11:51] Oso
    Mix-er! Mix-er! Mix-er!
[11:53] Todo
    He's not even listening!
    He's a total weirdo today!
[11:56] Oso
    Say it with me!
[11:58] todo
    Let's review this mixer.
SIGN    Atsushi
SIGN    Introduced
[12:00] Todo
    There'll be two girls.
[12:02] Todo
    They're two girls that my friend,
    Atsushi-kun, hooked us up with.
[12:05] Todo
    They're around our age and are employed.
SIGN    No Boyfriends
[12:07] Todo
    No boyfriends.
[12:08] Todo
    Again, I haven't met them yet, so I won't
    know more details until we meet them.
[12:12] Todo
    Okay?
[12:12] Oso
    Man, it's starting to feel real all of a sudden.
    This is totally different from porn.
[12:17] Todo
    This part's really important.
[12:19] Todo
    This is an important factor for you
    to make this mixer work out:
[12:22] Todo
    to try to restrain your lust.
[12:24] Oso
    My lust?
[12:25] Todo
    Yeah. That's your worst enemy.
[12:29] Oso
    Oh, true. I guess I am a bit
    pervier than other people.
[12:33] Todo
    You're not pervy, you're just gross.
[12:35] Oso
    Wow, you're not holding back, baby bro.
[12:37] Todo
    So, for today, get rid of any dreams of
    wanting to do something pervy to them,
[12:41] Todo
    hitting them with dirty jokes, or telling them
    what you want to do with them later tonight.
[12:45] Todo
    Eradicate all those thoughts!
[12:48] Todo
    This is to make them like you! Promise me!
[12:57] Todo
    Hey, Jyushimatsu-niisan.
    Are you free right now?
[13:00] Oso
    Totty!
[13:00] Oso
    I got it, Totty! I promise, Totty!
[13:04] Oso
    But if you tie me down too much,
    all my charm is going to disappear.
[13:20] Oso
    Todomatsu.
[13:22] Todo
    Welcome back.
[13:23] Oso
    Here's your smartphone. Thanks.
[13:26] Todo
    Well? Have you calmed down?
[13:28] Oso
    Yeah. I have.
[13:32] Oso
    You don't need to scrub it that hard.
    I didn't get it dirty.
[13:37] Todo
    I just got a message.
    They say they'll be here in a bit.
[13:42] Oso
    Okay. I'm going to do my best,
    and no joking around.
[13:45] Oso
    I'll do everything you said,
    and I'll make it a great mixer.
[13:48] Oso
    This is our chance to meet girls.
[13:50] Todo
    Yes, so get those evil
    thoughts out of your head.
[13:52] Oso
    Got it. Let's do our best.
[13:55] Todo
    But you don't have to get
    that worked up about it.
[13:57] Todo
    Just relax and drink like you normally do.
[13:59] Oso
    Todomatsu.
[14:01] Oso
    Here.
[14:02] Todo
    Huh? Come on, Osomatsu-niisan.
[14:06] Todo
    It's not like two brothers over
    twenty are going to share
[14:08] Todo
    a passionate handshake at a mixer
    before the girls get here...
[14:12] ---
    Let's do this!
[14:13] Todo
    Let's make this the best!
[14:15] Oso
    We're gonna be popular!
[14:23] Both
    They're here!
[14:31] Guy
    I've brought your appetizers.
[14:33] Both
    It's just an employee?!
[14:37] Three
    Cheers!
[14:41] Miwa
    So good. Beer is the best.
[14:45] Todo
    You like beer?
[14:46] Kumi
    Yeah. We can drink it forever.
[14:49] Todo
    Yeah?
[14:50] Miwa
    This is the stuff.
[14:52] Todo
    You sound like some old guy.
[14:54] Miwa
    I get that all the time.
[14:55] Kumi
    Well, you are an old guy on the inside.
[14:57] Miwa
    Don't say that.
[14:59] Todo
    I think it's because of the contrast.
[15:02] Todo
    You look so cute, so I bet
    that just surprises everyone.
[15:05] Miwa
    Listen to him, sneaking a compliment in.
[15:08] Kumi
    I'm gonna blush.
[15:10] Oso
    I can't do it!
[15:12] Oso
    There's no way I can drink and have
    a normal conversation with a real girl!
[15:17] Oso
    How's he acting normal, anyway?
    Why's he so used to this?
[15:19] Oso
    So gross!
[15:20] Oso
    I mean, she's wearing a one-piece
    dress and has big boobs.
[15:23] Oso
    How can he have a conversation without any
    dirty jokes when he's faced with that?
[15:27] Oso
    And the girl next to her has no sleeves!
[15:29] Oso
    She's wearing a no-sleeve sweater!
[15:31] Oso
    She was wearing a coat when she came in!
[15:33] Oso
    Is it winter magic when she takes
    it off and is suddenly wearing less?
[15:35] Oso
    What the hell is winter magic?
    That doesn't exist!
[15:38] Oso
    All their mannerisms are cute.
[15:40] Oso
    She nonchalantly showed off her armpit!
[15:42] Oso
    Plus they keep playing
    footsie with me down here.
[15:44] Oso
    When they go to the bathroom,
    their bare legs are super close!
[15:48] Oso
    I can't...
[15:50] Oso
    This situation is brutal for virgins!
[15:52] Oso
    Sage mode is going to be
    undone in two seconds!
[15:54] Oso
    Isn't this sexual harassment towards virgins?
[15:56] Oso
    This is cherry harassment, isn't it?
[15:58] Oso
    Ugh!
[16:02] Oso
    I'm so happy I came here today.
[16:05] Oso
    I'll stop fighting it now.
    I've always lived true to myself.
[16:11] Todo
    Hey.
[16:11] Todo
    Hey, are you listening?
SIGN    Izakaya Nen
[16:13] Todo
    Kumi-chan and Miwa-chan asked
[16:14] Todo
    what you think about this ultra
    super spicy habanero soup.
SIGN    Ultra Super Spicy Habanero Soup
[16:17] Kumi
    Doesn't that sound like fun?
[16:18] Miwa
    Do you like spicy food?
[16:24] Oso
    Boobs.
[16:25] Todo
    Huh?
[16:26] Oso
    Boobs.
[16:30] Todo
    You idiot! How many times did I tell
    you not to say stuff like that?!
[16:34] Todo
    You can't even last ten
    minutes since we started?!
[16:36] Miwa
    Wait, what?
[16:37] Kumi
    Boobs?
[16:38] Todo
    What?! No, no, no!
[16:40] Todo
    He didn't say boobs!
[16:41] Todo
    A bunch! You said that they should
    try a bunch of that soup, right?
[16:46] Todo
    Thanks! I actually love spicy stuff!
[16:49] Kumi
    I-I see.
[16:51] Miwa
    Should we get more drinks?
[16:52] Oso
    I want to kiss you (chuu shitai).
[16:53] Both
    Huh?
[16:54] Todo
    No, no, no, no! That's not what he said!
[16:56] Todo
    He said he wanted chuhai! That's just what
    he says when he wants to drink chuhai.
[17:00] Todo
    You've heard that before, right?
[17:02] Miwa
    S-Sure...
[17:04] Kumi
    Wh-What else should we get?
[17:05] Oso
    I want to become one (ketsugou) at a hotel.
[17:06] ---
    Huh?
[17:07] Todo
    No! He didn't say he wanted to
    become one with you at a hotel!
[17:11] Todo
    He said he wanted to rub his ass
    (ketsu goshi) with scallops (hotate).
[17:14] Todo
    Everyone feels like that, right?
    Especially when they drink.
[17:17] Todo
    Right?
[17:19] Guy
    Thanks for waiting.
[17:24] Todo
    Chuhai! Chuhai is the best!
[17:27] Todo
    And then...
[17:30] Todo
    So spicy!
[17:32] Todo
    And then...
[17:33] Todo
    Scrubbing my butt with scallops.
    Scrubbing my butt with scallops.
[17:37] Todo
    Scrubby scrub. Scrubby scrub.
[17:39] Todo
    You can't help doing this
    when you drink, right?
[17:43] ---
    Scrubby scrub, scrubby scrub.
[17:46] Todo
    Why are you looking at me like that?!
    It's all your fault this happened!
[17:51] Todo
    Oh, sorry. Did I hype things
    up too much on my own?
[17:55] Todo
    I'll go cool my head in the bathroom.
[17:57] Todo
    Excuse us.
[17:59] Todo
    You friggin' dumbass!
[18:02] Todo
    I told you not to do that! Why did you
    have to lose to your lust, Osomatsu?
[18:06] Todo
    Get your act together, Osomatsu!
[18:08] Todo
    Osomatsu...
[18:10] Oso
    I-I can't...
[18:12] Todo
    Huh?
[18:13] Oso
    Please understand, Totty.
[18:14] Oso
    I know I should control it.
[18:17] Oso
    But the more you tie me down,
    the more my charm disappears.
[18:21] Todo
    Uh, you don't have any charm.
    That's something you totally lack!
[18:24] Oso
    Let's just do what we want.
    Who cares if we fail?
[18:27] Oso
    I mean, this is our first
    time meeting them.
[18:28] Oso
    If they don't like us,
    there's nothing we can really do.
[18:30] Todo
    Huh? Where's that attitude coming from?
[18:33] Oso
    Arguing with you over this is worse.
[18:36] Tood
    Wha...
[18:37] Oso
    Also, I don't think I can
    just somehow make it work.
[18:40] Oso
    I don't think I have that talent.
[18:44] Todo
    Okay, fine. Whatever.
[18:46] Todo
    Just do what you want.
[18:47] Oso
    Seriously?
[18:48] Oso
    Yahoo!
[18:49] Todo
    You owe me pachinko.
[18:50] Oso
    Sure!
[18:53] Oso
    Sorry to keep you two waiting!
[18:54] Oso
    Er, huh? What are you doing?
[18:56] Kumi
    We're going home.
[18:57] Oso
    Huh?
[18:58] Todo
    You're kidding, right?
[18:59] Miwa
    Well, what were you two
    doing in the bathroom?
[19:02] Miwa
    That was pretty rude.
[19:04] Oso
    Oh, that was nothing.
[19:06] Todo
    Yeah, nothing.
[19:07] Oso
    We were just discussing some things.
[19:08] Oso
    Like which one of you guys
    we were each going to screw.
[19:11] Todo
    Yeah, yeah... wait, what?!
[19:13] Kumi
    What? Gross.
[19:14] Miwa
    Gross.
[19:15] Todo
    Gross!
[19:18] Oso
    Well, you guys are dressed so sexy.
[19:20] Oso
    Of course the conversation's
    gonna head in that direction.
[19:22] Kumi
    Ugh, this guy's the worst.
[19:23] Miwa
    You've been staring at my chest
    this whole time, haven't you?
[19:26] Oso
    I have. Thanks!
[19:29] Oso
    Who cares if I look?
[19:30] Oso
    I mean, I've only been thinking
    about dirty things all day today.
[19:34] Miwa
    Die, Osomatsu.
[19:35] Oso
    Huh? You prude.
[19:36] Oso
    You die.
[19:37] Miwa
    You can die!
[19:38] Oso
    Stare...
[19:39] Miwa
    I told you to stop staring!
[19:41] Oso
    What's the problem?
[19:43] Kumi
    What do you mean? You can't be serious!
[19:45] Todo
    It's over... I'm so sorry, Atsushi-kun.
[19:49] Todo
    No!
[19:56] Miwa
    I'm drunk. So sleepy.
[20:00] Oso
    Then go home. You have a boyfriend.
[20:02] Miwa
    Shut up, you virgin NEET.
[20:05] Miwa
    You creepo that came to
    a mixer with your brother.
[20:07] Oso
    You knew! I have no reply to that.
[20:13] Miwa
    Jeez.
[20:14] Kumi
    More importantly,
    Daddy's not replying at all.
[20:17] Kumi
    So annoying.
[20:18] Oso
    Ow! Hey, what do you think you're
    doing to this hot guy, you uggo?
[20:21] Kumi
    Who're you calling uggo?!
[20:22] Oso
    Huh? Your face is only about 30 points.
[20:24] Oso
    Your personality covers it up some, that's all.
[20:26] Kumi
    You knew! I have no reply to that.
[20:36] Miwa
    You're a funny guy.
[20:38] Kumi
    You might not be so bad.
[20:39] Oso
    Oh, yeah? Then go out with me.
[20:41] Both
    Yeah, that's not happening.
[20:43] Oso
    What the hell? Get out!
[20:46] Todo
    Um... I'm gonna head home...
[20:50] Todo
    Um, I'm going home... I'm...
[20:58] Todo
    Huh? What is this?
[21:01] Todo
    What's going on?
[21:04] Todo
    I did my best today, right? Yeah, I did.
[21:08] Todo
    I'm a good boy.
[21:10] Todo
    I love you, Totty.
[21:12] Todo
    Really? Thank you!
[21:14] Todo
    Yeah! Um... you've got a nice voice!
SIGN    Akatsuka Station
[21:20] Oso
    Man, I've gotta make more
    at the races again.
[21:25] Oso
    It's those girls!
[21:27] Oso
    Hey, Kumi-chan! Miwa-chan!
[21:31] Oso
    It is you two! Hey,
    it's me from the other day!
[21:33] Oso
    Osomatsu! Remember me?
[21:35] Oso
    Man, wasn't that a lot of fun?
    I never thought it'd get that wild.
[21:38] Oso
    Let's go drinking again!
    Just give Todomatsu a call.
[21:41] Oso
    I'm always free.
[21:42] Kumi
    No, that's okay.
[21:44] Oso
    Huh?
[21:45] Kumi
    Considering the situation we were in,
    we just acted that way so we'd have fun.
[21:50] Miwa
    Well, if the opportunity presents itself
    again... Though I don't think it will.
[21:55] Girl
    Bye.
[22:00] Oso
    Huh? But what about...
[22:02] Oso
    Huh? What was all that, then?
[22:05] Oso
    Huh?
[22:05] Oso
    But... wait... huh?
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
[23:47] Jyushi
    Jyushimatsu and a dolphin!
[23:49] Jyushi
    A dolphin for you!
[23:50] Jyushi
    Nothing's better than dolphins!
SIGN    "Jyushimatsu and the Dolphin" etc.
[23:52] Jyushi
    Mammals!

E8 - Jyushimatsu and the Dolphin / Totoko and Nyaa

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "Synthesis"
[01:36] Deka
    It's finally complete!
[01:39] Deka
    This is the invention of the century!
    It will instantly combine any two things.
SIGN    Knock First
[01:44] Deka
    Right Outta Nowhere-chan No. 1.
[01:50] Deka
    First, we'll do this,
[01:53] Deka
    then this...
[01:56] Deka
    Here we go!
SIGN    In Use
SIGN    In Use
[02:31] Deka
    It's a success!
[02:33] Deka
    Curry rice right outta nowhere!
[02:36] Deka
    This is going to make me rich!
    All my hard work's finally paying off!
[02:43] Deka
    I'm so happy!
SIGN    In Use
SIGN    In Use
[03:21] Deka
    My name is Flypan.
[03:27] Deka
    Pleasure doing business with you.
SIGN    Uochuu
[03:30] Oso
    One, two... One, two...
[03:33] Toto
    Stop peeking, you dumbass! Get outta here!
[03:36] Oso
    Ow...
[03:38] Iyami
    Sheeeh! What are you
    going to do about this?!
[03:41] Iyami
    I demand compensation! This is slander!
[03:45] Iyami
    Hand over reparations!
[04:04] Iya
    Sheeeh! My name is Iyamatsu!
[04:11] Iya
    Pleasure doing business with you.
[04:27] Chibi
    My name is Chibibou, jo!
[04:30] Chibi
    The hell?! You jerks! Dammit!
[04:33] Chibi
    Pleasure doing business with you.
[04:45] Kara
    I'm Karachoro!
[04:47] Choro
    Hey, hey, hey!
[04:49] Kara
    Come at me, bro!
[04:50] Choro
    Bring it on, bro!
[04:54] Both
    Pleasure doing business with you.
[05:06] Jyushi
    Boeh!
[05:10] Ichi
    We're a monster.
[05:14] All
    Pleasure doing business with you.
[05:26] Thing
    My name is Hashimoto Nyaanosuke, meow.
[05:28] Thing
    Meow.
[05:30] Thing
    Pleasure doing business with you.
[05:46] Toto
    Pleasure doing business with you.
[06:31] Dayon
    Gonna combine even more!
SIGN    Bakery
SIGN    Ramen
[06:44] Dayon
    Even more!
[06:53] Dayon
    Now God will be complete.
[07:35] Dayon
    I've done something horrible!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Akatsuka Sealand
SIGN    Akatsuka Sea
    Dolphin Show
SIGN    Jyushimatsu and
    the Dolphin
SIGN    Dolphin Trainer Office
[08:16] Kara
    You can't be serious!
SIGN    Dolphin Trainer Office
[08:21] Kara
    Are you mocking this job?
    You must be, to say something like that!
[08:26] Jyu
    No, I'm not! I just want to do this job.
[08:30] Jyu
    So, please!
[08:33] Kara
    It's impossible.
[08:34] Jyu
    Please!
[08:35] Kara
    Nope.
[08:36] Jyu
    Please!
[08:39] Ichi
    Go on home. There are things
    in this world that work out if you try,
[08:44] Ichi
    but there are some that don't.
[08:45] Choro
    And this case would be the latter.
    You're not cut out for this job.
[08:49] Jyu
    Please don't say that!
[08:51] Choro
    Well, it's true.
[08:52] Jyu
    But why?!
[08:54] Choro
    I mean, I could understand if you wanted
    to become a dolphin trainer like us,
[08:59] Choro
    but you want to become a dolphin, right?
[09:01] Choro
    You mean an actual dolphin, right?
[09:05] Choro
    It's not possible.
[09:08] Jyu
    No. As long as I do my best,
    it'll work out somehow!
[09:11] All
    No, it won't!
[09:13] Todo
    It's impossible, no matter
    how you think about it!
[09:14] Jyu
    And I ask you not to say that!
[09:16] Oso
    Seriously, why a dolphin?!
    Why would you choose a dolphin?
SIGN    Now Hiring
SIGN    Become Friends
    with the Dolphins
[09:19] Oso
    If you want to be a trainer,
    we're short-staffed so we're definitely looking!
[09:23] Jyu
    No. I have no interest
    in becoming a trainer, so I can't.
[09:27] Oso
    You seriously piss me off.
[09:29] Kara
    How are you even going to become a dolphin?
[09:32] Jyu
    I'll work hard.
[09:33] Choro
    You're a human! You're not going to be able
    to swim backstroke or do high jumps!
[09:36] Jyu
    But I can!
[09:38] Ichi
    Why? Why do you want
    to be a dolphin so badly?
[09:42] Jyu
    Well, you see...
[09:44] Jyu
    I'm a NEET.
[09:47] Jyu
    B-Because I'm a NEET,
     I wanted to find a job.
[09:51] Jyu
    I want to be able to make money on my own...
[09:54] Choro
    Yeah, uh, we're not feeling sorry for you.
[09:56] Ichi
    You're a NEET, so you want a job?
[09:59] Ichi
    Seriously, why do you want
    to become a dolphin, then?
[10:01] Ichi
    If that's your goal,
    you should get a real job first.
[10:04] Ichi
    Though it's still impossible
    for you to become a dolphin!
[10:06] Jyu
    It's not impossible!
[10:07] All
    Get lost!
[10:08] Jyu
    No!
[10:11] Girl
    Please wait!
[10:14] Girl
    Leader, would you let me
    handle him for a while?
[10:18] Kara
    Huh? What do you mean?
[10:21] Girl
    I'll train him responsibly,
[10:24] Girl
    and I'll help him appear
    in the dolphin show as a dolphin.
[10:28] Kara
    Wh-What?
[10:38] Choro
    Come on, out of the way!
[10:39] Oso
    Move!
[10:41] Ichi
    The Dolphin Sisters are coming through!
[10:43] Kara
    Clear a path!
[10:46] Todo
    Ew, the pool reeks of human today, Sissies.
[10:52] Four
    How gross.
[10:54] Girl
    It's okay, Jyushimatsu-kun.
[10:57] Girl
    Let's practice together over here.
[11:00] Jyu
    ‘Kay.
[11:04] Girl
    You can do it, Jyushimatsu-kun!
[11:06] Girl
    Dolphins hold their breath for about
    fifteen minutes under the water.
[11:09] Girl
    Just twelve more minutes!
[11:12] Jyu
    I can't... I can't breathe!
[11:14] Girl
    What? You can't hold out?
[11:16] Girl
    Let's have you come
    up for air real quick, then.
[11:18] Girl
    Dolphins can fill their lungs 90% full
    of fresh air with a single breath.
[11:24] Girl
    Ready? Go!
[11:27] Girl
    Jyushimatsu-kun!
[11:30] Girl
    Jyushimatsu-kun!
[11:37] Gil
    And go!
[11:43] Girl
    Swim in that position, Jyushimatsu-kun.
[11:46] Girl
    Use your inner dolphin! Dolphin kick!
[11:48] Girl
    Feel the dolphin with
    every part of your body!
[11:51] Girl
    You're a dolphin!
    You're a dolphin, Jyushimatsu-kun!
[11:55] Girl
    Jyushimatsu-kun!
[12:00] Girl
    Okay, ready?
[12:01] Girl
    Here.
[12:05] Girl
    Come on, you have to
    swallow it whole. Ready?
[12:09] Girl
    Here.
[12:11] Girl
    Here.
[12:12] Girl
    Here.
[12:14] Girl
    Here, here, here, here.
[12:22] Girl
    Jeez! Why can't you even do that much?
[12:25] Girl
    Hurry up and let out an ultrasonic squeak.
[12:30] Girl
    Come on, hurry!
    You're a dolphin, aren't you?
[12:32] Girl
    Where's your whistling? Your barking?
[12:34] Girl
    Why can't you make those sounds? Ugh!
[12:37] Girl
    Jyushimatsu-kun, you idiot!
[12:41] Girl
    There!
[12:43] Girl
    Hup!
[12:46] Girl
    Here's your reward.
[12:48] Girl
    Hey! Straighten up, Jyushimatsu!
[12:52] Girl
    Jyushimatsu!
[12:54] Girl
    Jyushimatsu!
[12:55] Jyu
    You're tougher than I thought you'd be!
SIGN    Closed
[13:01] Iyami
    Sheeeh! Are you all training hard?
[13:05] Iyami
    If you mess up in front of the director,
    you'll have to deal with me.
SIGN    Director
[13:10] Kara
    Don't worry. We've got this down.
[13:12] Choro
    Please start the test whenever.
[13:14] Iyami
    Are you sure?
[13:16] Jyushi
    Thanks for your time!
[13:21] Deka
    Start the test.
[13:24] Todo
    I'll go first!
[13:26] Todo
    Jump!
[13:28] Iyami
    Very good.
[13:30] Oso
    There!
[13:30] Choro
    Go!
[13:35] Iyami
    Sheeeh! Fabulous!
[13:39] Deka
    Very good. You're all very skilled.
[13:42] Iyami
    We'll make a killing again
     won't we, sir?
[13:44] Girl
    Jyushimatsu, go!
[13:48] Iyami
    Huh?
[13:50] Girl
    Now's the time to show off all
    your hard work, Jyushimatsu!
[14:06] Girl
    Go!
[14:17] Deka
    I will now announce the results.
[14:20] Deka
    You're the only one that failed.
[14:22] Both
    What?!
[14:23] Girl
    No way!
[14:24] Jyushi
    Why?!
[14:25] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[14:29] Jyushi
    I'm going to drown! This pool is deep!
[14:33] Deka
    No dolphin looks like that.
[14:34] Iyami
    You're fired!
[14:41] Jyushi
    Why? But I worked so hard...
    I did my absolute best.
[14:46] Girl
    No, Jyushimatsu-kun. To be honest,
    I think you failed, too.
[14:52] Jyushi
    Huh?
[14:53] Girl
    You're not a dolphin at all.
[14:55] Girl
    I thought I was watching a grade
    schooler learning how to swim.
[15:00] Jyushi
    But wasn't the training a bit weird, too?
[15:03] Girl
    That's true, too.
[15:07] Girl
    It's just impossible. I was moved by
    your passion, so I tried to help, but...
[15:12] Girl
    It's just not possible for
    you to become a dolphin.
[15:16] Girl
    Let's go home.
[15:17] Jyushi
    No, I'm going to practice.
[15:19] Girl
    It's no use.
[15:20] Jyushi
    I've only failed the test once!
[15:22] Girl
    It's impossible! You're just not a dolphin!
[15:25] Jyushi
    Shut up! I'm going to do this!
[15:27] Girl
    Give it up!
[15:28] Jyushi
    No!
[15:29] Girl
    Just accept it!
[15:30] Jyushi
    No! I'll never give up on my dreams!
[15:37] Girl
    You blockhead.
[15:39] Girl
    Do what you want!
[16:07] Choro
    Having to work on your day off sucks.
[16:09] Oso
    So tired.
[16:10] Kara
    Who are we seeing at the mixer tonight?
[16:12] Todo
    Doctors.
[16:13] Kara
    Seriously?!
[16:16] Ichi
    Hey, what's that?
[16:20] kara
    Huh? What are they doing?
[16:24] Choro
    They're jumping... but there's no audience.
[16:31] Todo
    Go!
[16:32] Choro
    Here!
[16:36] Oso
    Go!
[16:48] Kara
    And that's a wrap on the Sealand
    dolphin show! Thank you very much!
[16:56] Jyu
    We're not done yet!
[16:58] Girl
    Huh?
[17:01] Jyu
    Here I go!
[17:04] Kara
    What do you think you're doing?!
[17:08] Iyami
    Sheeeh! Stop him immediately!
[17:11] Kara
    Right! Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
    the show is now over.
[17:15] Choro
    P-P-P-P-Please just ignore everything
    you see from here on out.
[17:18] Girl
    Move!
[17:19] Girl
    Everyone! This is a special program
    by our new dolphin, Jyushimatsu!
[17:25] Girl
    He's new, so he might not be the best,
    but please give him a warm welcome!
SIGN    Akatsuka
[17:37] Girl
    Go, Jyushimatsu-kun. Do everything
    you can possibly do now!
[17:58] Girl
    Huh?
[18:03] Girl
    H-He actually did it! Wh-What's going on?
[18:11] Girl
    A-Amazing! You look like one.
[18:13] Girl
    You look like a dolphin, Jyushimatsu-kun!
[18:21] Todo
    Wait, wait, what?!
[18:24] Oso
    What the heck is that?
[18:29] Ichi
    Hey, stop that! Stop!
[18:31] Choro
    Stop!
[18:33] Kara
    It's no use.
[18:34] Kara
    They aren't listening to us at all. Why?!
[18:39] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[18:43] Girl
    Go...
[18:48] Girl
    Go!
SIGN    The endless sea
SIGN    Beyond the horizon
SIGN    Jyushimatsu became
SIGN    a dolphin and is laughing
SIGN    If you feel like you've reached your limits
SIGN    Go to the sea and call out his name
SIGN    He'll be sure to come for you right away
SIGN    Jyushimatsu who became a dolphin
SIGN    Flip flop, splish splash
SIGN    Full Monty
SIGN    Flip flop, splish splash
SIGN    Ah, full Monty
SIGN    With you, with you
SIGN    So that I can smile with you
SIGN    I'll swim with my ass out
SIGN    It's just stupid to be depressed anymore
SIGN    Everybody let's...
SIGN    Jyushiolphin
SIGN    Completely naked, let's Jyushiolphin
SIGN    Jyushiolphin
SIGN    Jyushiolphin
SIGN    Fin
[21:45] ---
    Hybrid Oden
SIGN    "Totoko and Nyaa"
[21:53] Toto
    Good evening, Chibita-kun.
[21:55] Chibi
    Oh, Totoko-chan! You came!
[21:58] Chibi
    Thanks!
[22:01] Toto
    Huh?!
[22:17] Toto
    So good!
[22:21] Nya
    So good!
[22:25] Toto
    Well, this is a surprise.
    I didn't think I'd see you drinking by yourself.
[22:30] Nyaa
    Yeah, sometimes. I guess I never told you.
[22:35] Toto
    Yeah, you never told me.
[22:37] Nya
    Well, because I never told you.
[22:42] Toto
    Oh, hey. So, how much do you usually drink?
[22:46] Toto
    How much alcohol?
[22:47] Nya
    Oh, you know. The usual.
[22:50] Toto
    Huh? What's usual?
[22:52] Nya
    I told you, usual.
[22:53] Toto
    And I'm asking you what you mean by "usual."
[22:55] Nya
    Usual.
[22:56] Toto
    "Usual" isn't an answer.
    I'm asking you how much.
[22:59] Nya
    The usual amount.
[23:01] Toto
    And I'm telling you, "usual"
    doesn't make any sense!
[23:04] Nya
    Huh?!
[23:06] Nya
    I'm telling you, it's usual!
[23:08] Toto
    Just tell me an actual amount!
[23:10] Nya
    Usually people can tell what
    a usual amount is!
[23:13] Toto
    Would you stop saying "usual"?!
    People usually don't say "usual" that much!
[23:18] Nya
    What?!
[23:19] Nya
    What?
[23:20] Toto
    What?!
[23:21] Chibi
    Hey, hey, hey, hey...
[23:23] Toto
    You wanna piece of me, dumbass?!
[23:25] Toto
    Come on, you dumbass!
[23:26] Nyaa
    Die!
SIGN    To Be Continued
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
[23:32] Oso
    Heya! It's Osomatsu!
[23:34] Oso
    A hedge between keeps friendship green?
[23:37] Oso
    A hedge between keeps friendship green?
[23:41] Oso
    Yeah, I know. How long do you
    think I've been a sextuplet?
[23:45] Oso
    A hedge between keeps friendship green?
[23:49] Oso
    A hedge between keeps friendship...
SIGN    "Campaign Starting Now!" etc.
[23:51] Oso
    Yeah, yeah, I know.

E9 - Campaign Starting Now!

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "Campaign Starting Now!"
[01:42] Choro
    Ow! Jeez, Jyushimatsu!
[01:45] Jyushi
    Sorry.
[01:46] Jyushi
    Karamatsu-niisan,
    could you get my ball for me?
[01:49] Kara
    Huh? Oh...
SIGN    Currently 76 boxes
[01:54] Sign
    How many boxes will it take
    for the golden angel to show up?
[01:56] Oso
    How stupid is he?
[01:59] Todo
    It's way more fun to watch
    streams than do them.
[02:02] Kara
    I see... I'll be sure to incorporate that.
SIGN    Become drunk on our beauty
    under these neon lights
[02:40] Todo
    He's amazing.
[02:42] Oso
    It's so funny.
[02:45] Todo
    He's so awesome.
[02:46] Ichi
    Hey, guys...
[02:50] Ichi
    I said hey.
[02:51] Oso
    Want to watch a few more?
[02:52] Todo
    Yeah, a little more.
[02:53] Ichi
    Hey!
[02:54] Oso
    Really?
[02:54] Choro
    What's the matter, Ichimatsu?
[02:56] Ichi
    Aren't you going to sleep? It's past 1 AM.
[02:59] Choro
    Oh. All right.
[03:01] Choro
    I'll go to sleep after this chapter.
    Sorry about that.
[03:04] Todo
    Yeah, I'll go to sleep soon, too.
[03:07] Todo
    Osomatsu-niisan, let's make this the last one.
[03:08] Oso
    Yup.
[03:10] Kara
    What's the matter, brother? You can't sleep?
[03:13] Kara
    Then I'll sing you my famous lullaby—
SIGN    Wild vs Formal
[03:50] Choro
    Wow, so good. That was amazing!
[03:59] Ichi
    You're not going to sleep, are you?!
[04:01] Three
    Huh?
[04:03] Ichi
    How long are you going to keep this up?
    It's already past 2 AM!
[04:06] Choro
    Oh, sorry. I'll go to sleep as
    soon as I'm done reading this.
[04:09] Ichi
    Why did you start a new volume?!
[04:11] Ichi
    Don't start a new volume of
    a light novel at 2 AM, you idiot!
[04:15] Oso
    Oh, shut up already. Just go to sleep, then.
[04:18] Oso
    You don't have to wait for us to get tired.
[04:20] Ichi
    It's not that I'm waiting for you.
    I can't sleep.
[04:24] Oso
    You can't sleep? Why?
[04:26] Ichi
    The light's too bright.
    I want to turn off the light.
[04:29] Oso
    Ah... Yeah, that's not happening.
[04:32] Choro
    Well, I'm still reading.
[04:34] Todo
    And we're still watching.
[04:35] Ichi
    Wait, wait, wait. But it's past 2 AM!
[04:37] Ichi
    It's time to sleep!
[04:38] Todo
    So just go to sleep, then.
[04:40] Ichi
    I'm telling you I can't!
[04:42] Todo
    Wait, why can't you sleep? Do you have
    some kind of p***logical disorder?
[04:46] Ichi
    I can't sleep because the light's too bright!
[04:48] Oso
    Then use an eye mask or something.
[04:51] Ichi
    We don't have any of the latest
    fashion items with an
[04:53] Ichi
    English name in this house.
[04:55] Oso
    Are eye masks one of
    the latest fashion items?
[04:58] Choro
    Okay, Ichimatsu, why don't you use this?
[05:00] Ichi
    Huh?
[05:01] Choro
    If you cover your eyes with this towel,
    it's not bright, right?
[05:04] Ichi
    No, a little bit of light still
    gets through that way.
[05:07] Ichi
    Also, there's pressure from the fact
    that I can't let it fall off my face,
[05:10] Ichi
    so it's even harder to sleep.
[05:12] Todo
    Why don't you use your arm?
[05:15] Todo
    Your arm should be a perfect
    fit and it won't shift.
[05:19] Ichi
    Are you stupid?
[05:20] Todo
    Huh?
[05:20] Ichi
    You try sleeping in that position.
[05:22] Ichi
    When you wake up,
[05:23] Ichi
    you'll suffer from an unknown pain that
    could be either muscle pain or numbness.
[05:28] Oso
    Then just dive under your futon.
    That basically solves everything.
[05:32] Oso
    You're so annoying.
[05:33] Ichi
    Are you total trash?
[05:34] Oso
    Huh?
[05:35] Ichi
    That only works in the beginning.
[05:37] Ichi
    Why would I put myself in an even
    more uncomfortable situation
[05:39] Ichi
    where I can't breathe nor sleep
    just so it's not bright anymore?
[05:42] Oso
    Then just go buy an eye mask
    at the hundred yen shop.
[05:44] Ichi
    They're closed at this hour.
[05:46] Oso
    Convenience store, then?
[05:47] Ichi
    There's no guarantee
    there'll be an eye mask there.
[05:50] Oso
    Then just use a towel or
    something to cover your eyes.
[05:54] Ichi
    Didn't I just reject that idea?
[05:56] Ichi
    Seriously? Are you stupid?
[05:57] Oso
    Ugh! I can't think of any good solutions!
[06:00] Todo
    I see... You can't sleep because
    the light's too bright.
[06:05] Three
    What to do?
[06:10] Ichi
    Uh, can't we just turn off the light?
[06:12] Ichi
    Why can't you get to that conclusion?
[06:15] Choro
    I know! We can just make the light
    dimmer by using the tiny light!
[06:17] Both
    Oh, I see!
[06:19] Ichi
    Uh, let's just turn off the light.
[06:21] Choro
    See? Now you can sleep, too, right?
[06:24] Todo
    But can you read your book
    like this, Choromatsu-niisan?
[06:27] Choro
    I think once I got used to it, I could.
[06:29] Todo
    Yeah?
[06:30] Jyushi
    You can't!
[06:31] Todo
    When did you wake up?
[06:33] Jyushi
    I can't sleep with the tiny light on.
    I'll keep thinking about it.
[06:36] Kara
    Same here, brother.
    The tiny light is too bad.
[06:40] Oso
    I guess we have those against
    the tiny light, too.
[06:45] Todo
    Well, goodnight.
[06:46] Both
    Goodnight.
[06:50] Ichi
    Could you at least not be noisy? Promise me.
[06:53] Oso
    Yup.
[06:54] Todo
    Got it.
[06:55] Choro
    We promise.
[07:03] Choro
    I see... It's fate...
[07:06] Todo
    What is this?
[07:07] Choro
    Now this is happening? Seriously?
[07:09] Todo
    Look, look, look, look!
[07:11] Choro
    What?! What's going to happen next?
[07:15] Todo
    Man, this guy really is stupid!
[07:18] Choro
    So good! I can't stop!
[07:20] Choro
    Someone stop my eyes and hands!
[07:22] Oso
    This is too funny!
[07:24] Todo
    Online videos are the best!
[07:26] Ichi
    I-I want to kill them...
[07:30] Ichi
    No... I'll just count some cats.
[07:34] Ichi
    One cat.
[07:35] Ichi
    Two cats.
[07:37] Ichi
    Three cats.
[07:39] Ichi
    Four cats.
[07:40] Ichi
    Five cats.
[07:42] Ichi
    Six cats.
[07:43] Ichi
    Seven cats.
[07:45] Ichi
    Eight cougars.
[07:46] Ichi
    Eight cougars?!
[07:48] Oso
    There's something so hot about cougars.
[07:51] Todo
    Yeah, cougars.
[07:53] Choro
    True.
[07:55] Ichi
    One cat.
[07:57] Ichi
    Two cats.
[07:59] Ichi
    Three cats.
[08:01] Ichi
    Four cats.
[08:02] Ichi
    Five Shoueis.
[08:04] Ichi
    Why?!
[08:05] Choro
    It's Shouei-san!
[08:06] Todo
    I want to see Shouei again.
[08:09] Oso
    Hey. Let's watch that cougar again.
[08:11] Todo
    What? Let's watch Shouei a little longer.
[08:12] Ichi
    One cat.
[08:14] Ichi
    Two cats.
[08:16] Ichi
    Three cougar Shoueis...
[08:18] Ichi
    I can't sleep like this!
[08:20] Ichi
    That was freaky... Talk about trauma.
[08:23] Ichi
    That's going to change my fetish...
[08:24] Oso
    What? You're still complaining?
[08:27] Ichi
    You guys promised you'd
    be quiet, didn't you?
[08:30] Todo
    We can't help it. We're not tired yet.
[08:34] Choro
    Seriously. You're so selfish.
[08:36] Ichi
    Selfish?!
[08:37] Ichi
    S-S-S-Selfish?! Me?!
[08:40] Three
    Huh?
[08:41] Ichi
    It's past two in the morning!
[08:43] Ichi
    I've gone to the bathroom, brushed
    my teeth, gotten into my futon,
[08:46] Ichi
    and me asking for the lights to be turned
    off makes me selfish in this household?!
[08:50] Ichi
    Where do we live?!
[08:51] Ichi
    What country? Do we live overseas?
[08:53] Ichi
    Is that it?!
[08:54] Jyushi
    So noisy. Are you guys arguing?
[08:59] Ichi
    It's nothing, Jyushimatsu.
[09:00] Ichi
    Just go to sleep. Sorry.
[09:03] Kara
    What's wrong, brother?
[09:04] Ichi
    No problem, brother.
[09:06] Ichi
    Goodnight. Bye-bye forever.
[09:08] Ichi
    That was close. 3 versus 3 was
    about to turn into 5 versus 1.
[09:12] Ichi
    They finally went to sleep, so don't get all
    riled up and wake them by shouting.
[09:15] Choro
    Uh, you're the one who's
    getting riled up and shouting.
[09:18] Todo
    Jeez... Then just go sleep
    downstairs, Ichimatsu-niisan.
[09:22] Ichi
    Huh?
[09:23] Todo
    It's too bright in here,
    right? Then go downstairs.
[09:26] Ichi
    Huh? Why do I have to move?
[09:29] Oso
    Actually, just don't sleep, Ichimatsu.
    Just wait until we get sleepy.
[09:33] Ichi
    What are you saying?
[09:35] Choro
    Oh, I know. What about the balcony?
[09:37] Choro
    I think that'd be perfect.
[09:40] Ichi
    What brought you to that conclusion?
[09:43] Todo
    I wonder where would be best...
[09:44] Oso
    Where should we have him move?
[09:47] Choro
    That's a tough one.
[09:50] Ichi
    Seriously, the light...
[09:53] Ichi
    No, really, the light...
[10:04] Ichi
    There's something wrong with this,
    right? How did this happen?
[10:07] Ichi
    Hey, why do I have to go
    sleep on the roof by myse—
[10:17] Ichi
    Wake up!
[10:19] Ichi
    Wake up, wake up, wake up,
    wake up, wake up!
[10:22] Ichi
    Wake up!
[10:24] Kara
    Wh-Wh-What's wrong, brother?
[10:26] Jyushi
    Ichimatsu-niisan?
    Did your fetish change?
[10:31] Ichi
    Listen up. Let me just confirm one thing.
[10:34] Ichi
    Is each of us an only child, huh?
[10:37] Todo
    Huh? What do you mean?
[10:39] Ichi
    Answer me! Is each of us an only child?
[10:41] Choro
    No, we aren't.
[10:43] Ichi
    We aren't, right? Then are we twins?
[10:45] Ichi
    Triplets?!
[10:46] Oso
    We're sextuplets.
[10:47] Ichi
    Sextuplets! We're sextuplets!
[10:51] Jyushi
    Did he go insane?
[10:54] Ichi
    Listen up. That basically means
    there are six guys with
[10:57] Ichi
    six smelly dcks hanging down
    living in this tiny room.
[11:00] Ichi
    Do you think the miracle of
    all six of us getting sleepy
[11:02] Ichi
    at the same time would
    really happen? Of course not.
[11:04] Ichi
    When one of us is sleepy,
    the others won't be as sleepy.
[11:07] Ichi
    That kind of situation is only natural, right?
[11:09] Ichi
    But at a certain time,
    the light should go off!
[11:11] Ichi
    Even those who weren't that tired
    should try their best to fall asleep!
[11:15] Ichi
    We have no choice but
    to live by giving a little!
[11:17] Ichi
    Because there are six of us, meow!
[11:23] Ichi
    An oath. As of 3:16 AM on November 28th,
[11:27] Ichi
    I, Matsuno Ichimatsu,
    will put the "We Are Brothers,
[11:30] Ichi
    So We Should Be More Considerate Toward
    Each Other Campaign" into effect.
[11:33] Ichi
    So, from now on, since we're brothers,
    let's be more considerate of each other.
[11:36] Ichi
    Meow!
[12:17] Kara
    H-Hey! What is he doing?
[12:20] Choro
    He's monitoring us.
[12:21] Kara
    Monitoring us?
[12:22] Choro
    He's checking to make sure
    we're compromising and being
[12:26] Choro
    considerate of each other.
[12:27] Todo
    What? Seriously? That's so annoying.
[12:30] Ichi
    Why, hello, Jyushimatsu-san.
[12:33] Jyushi
    Hello. Thank you for everything you do.
[12:35] Todo
    Uh, they're total strangers now!
[12:36] Todo
    They've gone beyond being considerate!
[12:38] Choro
    This sure turned out weird.
[12:41] Oso
    Eh, who cares? Let's see how this plays out.
[12:44] Oso
    It actually seems sorta fun.
[12:45] Choro
    Huh? What's so fun about it?
[12:53] Ichi
    Hold it.
[12:55] Ichi
    Why did you put the soy sauce
    back in front of you?
[12:58] Ichi
    You know other people will use it, right?
[12:59] Ichi
    With that in mind, you should
    return it to where it was, right?
[13:02] Oso
    Huh? S-Sure...
[13:09] Ichi
    Seriously! Why would you put
    it back in front of you?
[13:12] Ichi
    Choromatsu's going
    to use it next, isn't he?
[13:15] ---
    Here.
[13:17] Ichi
    How is this right?
[13:18] Ichi
    We both paid half for that,
    and yet about two-thirds is gone.
[13:22] Ichi
    That's not considered half, is it?
[13:27] Ichi
    Why are you only eating all
    the yellow Tunapiro pieces?
[13:30] Ichi
    If you don't eat them equally
    with the silver pieces,
[13:32] Ichi
    someone's going to have to eat
    only the silver pieces later!
[13:36] Ichi
    Seriously...
SIGN    Vanilla
[13:37] Ichi
    Why are you only eating the vanilla ones?
[13:40] Ichi
    Eat a vanilla one, then a chocolate one!
    Think about the balance!
[13:43] Ichi
    How is this right?
[13:44] Ichi
    You should take good care
    of things you borrow, right?
[13:47] Ichi
    How is this right?
[13:48] Ichi
    You should probably pay for that now, right?
[13:51] Ichi
    Yeah, no. That's unforgivable.
SIGN    Pawn Shop
SIGN    Pawn Shop
[13:54] Ichi
    Out.
SIGN    Pawn Shop
[13:55] Ichi
    Yeah, that's out.
SIGN    Pawn Shop
SIGN    Dried Fish
[13:57] Ichi
    I'll kill you.
[13:59] Ichi
    Seriously, stop.
[14:00] Ichi
    Stop that, you shitty eldest.
[14:02] Ichi
    Stop. Seriously, stop being a menace.
[14:04] Ichi
    Not that, either. Or that!
[14:05] Ichi
    Stop!
[14:06] Ichi
    Out!
[14:07] Ichi
    That's out! I already told you no on that!
[14:09] Oso
    Hold it!
[14:11] Oso
    Wait! Why am I the only one
    getting caught so much?!
[14:14] Oso
    He's seriously after me!
    Isn't that messed up?!
[14:19] Oso
    Come on, guys! Let's be honest!
[14:21] Oso
    Being monitored like this
    is suffocating! It's no fun!
[14:26] Oso
    Majority rules! Ready?
[14:28] Oso
    All those opposed to the
    bullshit campaign called
[14:30] Oso
    "We Are Brothers, So We Should Be Toward
    Considerate About Each Other Campaign"!
[14:33] Oso
    Me!
[14:39] Oso
    What?!
[14:41] Ichi
    Those who wish to continue this campaign.
[14:43] Four
    Me.
[14:44] Oso
    What?! Well, that's surprising!
[14:47] Choro
    How is that surprising?
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Arcade Iyami"
[15:01] Iyami
    Me knew it!
[15:04] Iyami
    This is because of how virtuous me is
    on a daily basis! Let's go straight away!
SIGN    Aka Arcade
SIGN    Whack-a-Komodo
SIGN    Almost a Master
[15:24] Kid 1
    Yes! I've never gotten 80 points before!
[15:28] Kid2
    Good for you.
[15:29] Iyami
    Out of the way.
[15:33] Kid 2
    Uh, where did this guy that we kids should
    definitely stay away from come from?
[15:41] Kid 1
    Y-You're doing it on the highest level?
[15:46] Kid 1
    What?! There are even more
    Komodo dragon holes now!
[15:49] Kid 1
    What is this?
[15:51] Game
    3... 2... 1... Start!
[15:57] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[16:01] Kid 1
    What?!
[16:03] Iyami
    Sheh! Sheh! Sheh! Sheh! Sheh! Sheh! Sheh!
[16:06] Iyami
    Secret Technique: Ridiculously Void
    of Any Joints Asura Spinning Top!
SIGN    Secret Technique: Ridiculously Void of Any Joints Asura Spinning Top
SIGN    You Should've Come the Day Before
SIGN    Almost a Master
SIGN    You Don't Even Need a Shotgun
[16:32] Kid 2
    He got the highest rank!
[16:34] Kid 1
    Th-That's amazing!
[16:45] Kid 1
    No way...
[16:47] Kid 2
    H-How's he supposed to deal with all that?
[16:50] Game
    3... 2... 1... Start!
[16:56] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[17:05] Iyami
    Special Move: Moon Saltic No Gravity My Star
    Dreaming Journey Panic Sealing Farce!
SIGN    Special Move: Moon Saltic No Gravity My Star Dreaming Journey Panic Sealing Farce
[17:14] Kids
    Huh? Say what?
[17:16] Iyami
    Sheeh, sheh, sheh, sheh, sheeeh!
[17:28] Kid 1
    A-Amazing... The ones that went into
    a panic were the Komodo dragons.
[17:33] Kid 2
    H-How can you hit them
    so fast, mister? Tell us!
[17:38] Iyami
    I can see what moves the Komodo
    dragons will make two seconds ahead.
[17:42] Iyami
    That's why I can hit them in time.
[17:44] Kid 2
    Y-You can see their moves two seconds ahead?
[17:46] Kid 1
    Oh, crap! I can't tell if
    he's amazing or just insane!
[17:51] Kid
    Hey, Master!
[17:52] Kid 3
    Do this one!
SIGN    Loser
SIGN    Tie
[17:54] Kid 2
    What? A rock-paper-scissors game?
[17:56] Kid 1
    Come on. It's impossible for even the
    master to continue winning on this game.
[17:58] Game
    Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!
[18:00] Game
    You win!
[18:01] Game
    Rock, paper, you win!
[18:02] Kid 1
    There's no way to strategize
    at rock-paper-scissors...
[18:03] Game
    Rock, paper, you win!
[18:05] Game
    Rock, paper, you win!
[18:07] Game
    Rock, paper, you win!
[18:08] Game
    Rock, paper, you win!
[18:08] Kid
    How?
[18:09] Game
    Rock, paper, you win!
[18:09] Kid
    How?!
[18:10] Game
    Rock, paper, you win!
[18:12] Kid 1
    That's awesome!
[18:13] Kid 1
    He won all the tokens!
    Is this even possible?
[18:16] Kid 3
    But there's no strategy for this!
[18:18] Kid 3
    He didn't even use a secret
    technique or special move!
[18:20] Iyami
    Sheeeh. Using secret techniques
    or special moves is second rate.
[18:24] Iyami
    What's important is exact preparation.
[18:26] Kid 3
    Preparation?
[18:28] Iyami
    All the top athletes say this...
[18:30] Iyami
    How much preparation they're
    able to do before their match
[18:33] Iyami
    will determine if they win or lose.
[18:35] Iyami
    Which means...
[18:35] Iyami
    I played rock-paper-scissors and kept losing
    as much as possible before coming here,
[18:39] Iyami
    and raised the probability
    of me winning over and over!
[18:42] Kid 1
    What? Seriously?!
[18:44] Kid 2
    So the master was already playing games
    before coming to the arcade!
[18:49] Kid 1
    Please adopt me, Master!
[18:50] Kid 2
    Please adopt me, too!
[18:53] Iyami
    Sheeeh. Me will be taking my leave now.
[18:57] Chibi
    Hold it.
[18:59] Chibi
    The hell? If we let you go now,
    our reputation will be ruined, you idjit.
[19:04] Chibi
    You got enough guts to play
    this impregnable game?
[19:09] Kid 2
    A claw machine?
[19:11] Kid 1
    You idiot. That game ain't nothing
    if you let our dad play it.
[19:15] Kid 3
    No, wait.
SIGN    Ultra C Rating
[19:16] Kid 3
    Th-This claw machine...
    is no ordinary claw machine.
[19:19] Kid 3
    Look!
[19:21] Kid 1
    The plushies are all completely
    out of reach of the crane!
[19:25] Kid 1
    This isn't good, Dad!
[19:28] Hata
    Jo.
[19:29] Kid 2
    And the crane doesn't even have a claw!
[19:31] Kid 1
    What?!
[19:32] Hata
    Jo.
[19:33] Kid 2
    Plus, the button to operate
    the machine's been taken off!
SIGN    1 Play 6 Plays
[19:36] Kid 3
    There isn't even a place to put money in!
    You can't even start the game!
[19:41] Hata
    Jo!
[19:42] Kid
    I-It's no use. Even our dad
    can't beat a game like this...
[19:47] Iyami
    Final Secret Technique...
[19:50] Iyami
    Iyami's Pose of Darkness...
SIGN    Iyami's Pose of Darkness
[19:52] Iyami
    You are not playing the game.
[19:55] Iyami
    The fact you are playing a game is proof
    you're being played by the game.
[20:01] Iyami
    Meaning the game is me.
[20:03] Iyami
    Me is the game. Nay!
[20:05] Iyami
    Me is the arcade itself!
[20:14] Plushies
    I want out.
[20:15] Plushies
    Please catch me.
[20:16] Plushies
    Catch me.
[20:18] Plushies
    Let us out.
[20:19] Kid 1
    H-Hey, look. The plushies!
[20:28] Plushies
    Thank you.
[20:29] Plushies
    Thank you.
[20:29] Plushies
    Thank you.
[20:30] Plushies
    Thank you.
[20:32] Kid 1
    They're all coming out on their own!
    We won without any bloodshed!
[20:36] Plushies
    Thank you!
[20:52] Iyami
    Me got another one!
[20:56] Iyami
    Sheeeh! Me got another one!
[21:00] Chibi
    G-Go home...
[21:02] Iyami
    Thank you! Thank you! Sheeeh!
[21:06] Chibi
    Just go home! Jeez!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Totoko and Nyaa 2"
[22:46] Chibi
    Here you go.
[22:49] Nya
    Thanks, meow!
[22:56] Nya
    I'm having drinks today
    with some oden, meow!
[22:58] Nya
    Hashtag late night snack terrorism.
    Hashtag drinking by myself.
[22:58] Sign
    Likes: 57
    nyanyanya_28 I'm having drinks today with some oden, meow~
    #LateNightSnackTerrorism #DrinkingByMyself #Suffering
    #OldMan #AlwaysDrunk
    #I'mReallyLonely #HowManyTimesIsThis
[23:00] Nya
    Hashtag suffering. Hashtag old man.
[23:02] Nya
    Hashtag always drunk.
    Hashtag I'm really lonely.
[23:05] Nya
    Hashtag how many times is this?
[23:21] Totoko
    Take that!
[23:22] Nya
    Hot!
[23:28] Sigh
    Yowai Totoko
    Found a funny cat!!
    #PleaseRetweet #PleaseRetweetLots
    #PleaseRetweetSuperLots #LookAtThisWhenYou'reDepressed
[23:28] Toto
    Found a funny cat!
[23:29] Toto
    Hashtag please retweet.
    Hashtag please retweet lots.
[23:32] Toto
    Hashtag please retweet super lots.
    Hashtag look at this when you're depressed.
[23:35] Nyaa
    What the hell are you doing, you bitch?!
[23:37] Toto
    You wanna fight?!
[23:38] Chibi
    Hey, hey, hey...
SIGN    To Be Continued
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Karamatsu and Brother" etc.
[23:49] Kara
    Too bad. Apparently there isn't much time
    for the next episode preview this week.

E10 - Karamatsu and Brother

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "Karamatsu and Brothers"
[01:34] Todo
    Come on, Choromatsu-niisan.
[01:38] Choro
    Huh?
[01:38] Todo
    Buy me a fizzy drink.
    I want something fizzy.
[01:42] Choro
    Why should I care?
[01:43] Choro
    If we don't have any,
    just drink some tea and shut up.
[01:46] Choro
    Besides, why should I have to go buy
    something you want to drink, huh? Tell me.
[01:50] Todo
    O-Okay, jeez...
[01:53] Choro
    That's messed up, damn it!
[01:55] Todo
    Did you have to add that last part? Scary...
[01:57] Todo
    You seem like such an honor student,
    but you're really a delinquent.
[02:01] Choro
    Give it up.
[02:01] Todo
    Uh, no. I really want to drink
    something fizzy right now.
[02:05] Choro
    Then go buy it yourself.
[02:07] Kara
    Want me to go buy it for you?
[02:09] Kara
    I was heading out anyway.
[02:11] Kara
    Want me stop by a convenience store?
[02:15] Todo
    Huh?
[02:17] Kara
    Here.
[02:19] Todo
    Thank you, Karamatsu-niisan!
[02:21] Todo
    You're so reliable! So kind!
[02:23] Todo
    I'm so glad you're here, Karamatsu-niisan.
[02:27] Kara
    Is that so, Todomatsu?
    Am I reliable? Am I kind?
[02:33] Kara
    Nothing has ever felt so right to me before!
[02:35] Kara
    Just keep relying on me.
    I'll do anything for my brothers.
[02:40] Kara
    This love! This kindness!
[02:42] Kara
    I'm prepared to shower you
    guys with either at any time!
[02:46] Kara
    It appears I shouted too much
    and made myself thirsty.
[02:50] Kara
    Could you share some of
    your fizzy drink, brother?
[02:54] Kara
    Wait, huh?
[02:58] Oso
    Oh, there you are. Hey, Karamatsu.
[03:01] Oso
    I wanted to ask you for a favor.
    Do you have a sec?
[03:04] Oso
    Really? Thanks!
[03:06] Kara
    Uh, I didn't answer yet.
[03:08] Oso
    Mom asked me to do the laundry,
    but could you do it for me instead?
[03:12] Kara
    Huh?! Er, I...
[03:14] Oso
    The horse races are starting on TV soon,
    and you're the only one I can ask.
[03:21] Kara
    Wow, wow, wow!
    So that's how it is, Osomatsu.
[03:24] Kara
    I'm the only one you could ask?
[03:26] Kara
    Nothing has ever felt so right to me before!
[03:33] Kara
    Leave it to me!
[03:34] Oso
    Thanks!
[03:35] Jyushi
    Hey, Karamatsu-niisan.
[03:37] Jyushi
    I'm about to leave,
    so could you do the dishes for me?
[03:42] Kara
    Yeah, that's fine.
[03:47] Ichi
    Hey, Karamatsu. Could you get the phone?
[03:49] Kara
    Very well.
[03:50] Todo
    Karamatsu-niisan, could you also
    pass this community notice along?
[03:53] Kara
    Okay.
SIGN    Adult
[03:55] Oso
    While you're at it,
    could you take care of this, too?
[03:57] Kara
    Sure.
[03:57] Jyushi
    This and this, too, please.
[03:59] Kara
    Very well. I accept.
[04:01] Ichi
    Sorry. Could you take care of this, too?
[04:02] Kara
    Oh, I suppose.
[04:04] Todo
    This, too.
[04:05] Kara
    Okay.
[04:05] Oso
    Could you take care of this for me, too?
SIGN    Invoice
[04:07] Kara
    But of course.
[04:09] Jyushi
    Could you do this, too?
[04:09] Kara
    Okay.
[04:10] Ichi
    This, too.
[04:11] Kara
    Fine.
[04:11] Todo
    While you're at it, could you go have
    Mom and Dad yell at you in my place?
[04:15] Kara
    Got it.
SIGN    Résumé
[04:16] Oso
    Could you go job hunting in my place, too?
[04:18] Kara
    Sure.
[04:18] Jyushi
    Could you bat for me in the next inning?
[04:20] Kara
    But of course.
[04:24] Choro
    H-H-Hey.
[04:25] Choro
    Hold up. Wait!
[04:27] Choro
    What's wrong here?
[04:28] Choro
    Don't you guys think you're
    asking Karamatsu for too much?
[04:31] Choro
    Also, "Could you go job hunting in my place?"
[04:34] Choro
    Isn't that going a bit far?
[04:35] Choro
    And Karamatsu. Why would you agree to that?
[04:38] Choro
    You need to just say no.
    You don't want to go, do you?
[04:42] Todo
    Huh? I-Is that true?
[04:45] Todo
    Sorry, Karamatsu-niisan!
[04:46] Kara
    Huh?!
[04:47] Jyushi
    Sorry.
[04:48] Kara
    No, no, no, no, no...
[04:49] Oso
    You always agree, so we just...
[04:52] Ichi
    We went overboard. Sorry.
[04:54] Kara
    No, no!
[04:55] Todo
    Yeah, maybe it's not the best idea.
[04:57] Todo
    I won't ask you to do anything
    anymore, Karamatsu-niisan.
[05:00] Three
    Yeah, let's not.
[05:01] Kara
    What?! Come on, brother!
[05:03] Kara
    What are you saying? I'm fine!
[05:05] Kara
    I'm no stress!
[05:07] Todo
    But you really don't want to do it, right?
[05:08] Kara
    That's not true!
[05:10] Kara
    Jeez, Choromatsu. Why'd you
    have to go and say that?
[05:12] Kara
    As I said, I'll do anything for
    you guys. I'll help you out.
[05:16] Kara
    So ask away! It's worse for me
    when you guys hold back!
[05:21] Ichi
    R-Really?
[05:22] Kara
    Yes, really!
[05:23] Jyushi
    You don't get tired of us asking
    you to do everything?
[05:26] Kara
    Not at all!
[05:27] Todo
    Thank goodness. So, as I was saying,
    I also wanted to ask you to do this.
[05:32] Kara
    Sure! Bring it on!
[05:34] Jyushi
    Then this, too.
[05:34] Oso
    And also this.
[05:35] Kara
    Come on!
[05:36] Ichi
    And this, too.
[05:37] Kara
    Come on, brother!
[05:41] Choro
    Well, if you're okay with it, it's fine, I guess...
[05:47] Kara
    So, Choromatsu. This is just
    between you and me, okay?
[05:51] Kara
    To tell you the truth,
    when they ask me to do whatever...
[05:56] Kara
    I hate it so much, I could die!
[05:57] Choro
    What?!
[05:58] Kara
    They'd really go that far?
[06:00] Kara
    It's so annoying! Kill me!
[06:01] Choro
    What? Huh?!
[06:02] Choro
    Seriously? You're kidding, right?
[06:03] Kara
    They know I won't refuse, so they...
[06:06] Choro
    I'm actually shocked here.
[06:07] Kara
    Why do they keep asking me for so much?
[06:10] Choro
    Uh, I'm pretty sure you brought
    this upon yourself...
[06:13] Kara
    It's so hard! I'm so done!
[06:15] Choro
    Uh, wait, wait!
[06:18] Choro
    I mean, of course this is mostly their fault,
    but you're acting weird, too.
[06:24] Kara
    Weird?
[06:25] Choro
    Yeah. I mean, you're that sick
    of doing all this, right?
[06:28] Choro
    So much that you want to kill them, right?
[06:29] Kara
    Yeah, I do.
[06:31] Choro
    They why don't you just say no?
    Why do you keep agreeing?
[06:34] Kara
    The option of saying no
    doesn't exist, brother.
[06:38] Choro
    Why not?
[06:38] Kara
    Because I'm the nicest
    man in the world!
[06:43] Choro
    Uh, I'm pretty sure you're just timid?
[06:46] Kara
    I keep accepting the most difficult tasks...
[06:49] Kara
    because I'm just so nice!
[06:51] Choro
    You're just timid.
[06:52] Kara
    And I let anything go...
[06:55] Kara
    because I'm so nice!
[06:58] Choro
    You're too timid to say anything back, right?
[07:00] Choro
    What the hell? You're such a wimp.
[07:03] Kara
    What are you saying,
    Choromatsu? That's not true.
[07:05] Choro
    I mean, if we're being
    honest, that's it, right?
[07:06] Choro
    If the one asking gets
    even a little aggressive,
[07:09] Choro
    you get too scared to say anything back.
[07:11] Kara
    Th-That's not true...
[07:12] Choro
    Oh, I think it is!
[07:15] Kara
    Yeah, it is.
[07:16] Choro
    That's exactly it right there!
    You just proved my point!
[07:20] Choro
    Come on. You need to grow a spine
    and tell them no sometimes.
[07:24] Kara
    T-Tell them no, huh?
[07:25] Choro
    Yeah. Why don't we practice?
[07:28] Choro
    Practice saying no for the next time
    they ask you to do something.
[07:34] Choro
    Listen. I'm going to act like I'm one
    of them and ask you for something,
[07:37] Choro
    so you need to decline.
[07:38] Kara
    O-Okay, got it.
[07:40] Choro
    Okay, here we go.
[07:44] Kara
    All right, bring it!
[07:48] Choro
    Horse racing!
[07:48] Choro
    Pachinko! Boobs, boobs!
[07:52] Kara
    Choromatsu... Who is that?
[07:57] Kara
    Really, who is that?
[07:59] Kara
    Choromatsu!
[08:01] Kara
    Who's that supposed to be?
[08:03] Choro
    Osomatsu-niisan.
[08:04] Kara
    Just how do you see him, anyway?
[08:07] Kara
    You're making this hard. Try someone else.
[08:09] Choro
    Got it!
[08:10] Choro
    Ugh, everyone die.
[08:13] Choro
    If you're not a cat, die.
[08:15] Kara
    Choromatsu?
[08:18] Kara
    Choromatsu!
[08:20] Kara
    Seriously, who is that?
[08:21] Kara
    You're making this hard. Try someone else.
[08:24] Choro
    Got it.
[08:25] Choro
    Boeh, boeh, boeh!
    Baseball, baseball, baseball!
[08:29] Choro
    Boeh, boeh, boeh!
    Baseball, baseball, baseball!
[08:30] Kara
    Seriously, you're not helping!
[08:32] Choro
    Boeh!
[08:33] Todo
    What the heck are you guys doing?
[08:36] Todo
    What? Really?
[08:38] Oso
    So you didn't want to do it?
    Then just say so.
[08:42] Ichi
    Well, we did ask you to do a lot of things
    because we knew you wouldn't say no.
[08:47] Ichi
    Like running errands.
[08:48] Jyushi
    Or asking you to replace the kerosene.
[08:50] Oso
    Yeah... We won't do it anymore.
[08:53] Oso
    Sorry, Karamatsu.
[08:54] Kara
    Huh? No, uh...
[08:56] Kara
    Well...
[09:01] Todo
    But if Karamatsu-niisan doesn't take that
    position, who's going to take his place?
[09:06] Todo
    That's the real issue here.
[09:08] Ichi
    Yeah. Who's going to take Karamatsu's place?
[09:11] Todo
    Yeah.
[09:11] Jyushi
    Shouldn't the oldest do it?
[09:13] Oso
    No, no. Why would I do that?
[09:16] Oso
    I mean, I'm the Osomatsu.
[09:18] Oso
    Osomatsu doesn't do stuff like that.
[09:20] Jyushi
    True.
[09:21] Choro
    What kind of reasoning is that?
[09:22] Todo
    What about Ichimatsu-niisan?
[09:24] Oso
    Ichimatsu's scary. He'd probably let
    his resentment build up and stab us.
[09:28] Ichi
    True.
[09:29] Choro
    Why did you agree with that?
[09:30] Ichi
    What about Jyushimatsu?
[09:32] Jyushi
    What? But if you ask me to do anything,
    it probably won't turn out very good.
[09:36] Oso
    What about Totty, then?
[09:38] Todo
    Uh, you know I won't do anything like that.
[09:41] Todo
    If I had to do that,
    I'd just leave this house.
[09:43] Oso
    Right. So that just leaves...
[09:47] Choro
    Wait, wait, wait! Why me?!
[09:48] Todo
    Right. Go buy me some yummy sweets.
[09:50] Choro
    Go yourself!
[09:52] Jyushi
    Could you polish my glove for me?
[09:53] Choro
    Do it yourself!
[09:54] Oso
    Buy me some horse race tickets, too.
[09:55] Ichi
    And clean up all the cat hair.
[09:57] Choro
    Do it yourself!
[09:58] Choro
    Hey, stop. Stop!
[10:00] Choro
    Wait. Hey, Karamatsu!
[10:02] Choro
    This is all your fault! Help me out!
[10:06] Kara
    Good luck.
[10:07] Choro
    What do you mean?!
    Hey, why are you shutting that?
[10:10] Kara
    What a great story this was.
[10:12] Choro
    How so?!
[10:14] Kara
    Happy end.
[10:15] Choro
    No, seriously! Help me out,
    Karamatsu-niisan!
[10:18] Choro
    My dear, sweet Karamatsu-niisan!
[10:21] Choro
    You're actually able to
    decline now?! Die already!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Akatsuka Trading
[10:25] Todo
    And so...
[10:27] Todo
    This is the new employee,
[10:29] Todo
    Yowai Totoko-kun, who will be working
    in our section starting today.
[10:33] Todo
    Everyone, be kind to her.
[10:34] Toto
    I look forward to working with all of you.
[10:36] All
    Hello.
SIGN    "New Employee Totoko"
[10:46] Todo
    Huh? These numbers aren't adding up.
[10:49] Todo
    Yowai-kun.
[10:50] Toto
    Yes, sir?
[10:51] Todo
    Do you have a moment?
[10:52] Toto
    Yes, sir.
[10:57] Todo
    Yowai-kun.
[10:58] Toto
    Yes, sir?
[10:59] Todo
    Sorry, do you have a moment?
[11:01] Toto
    Yes, sir.
[11:05] Todo
    Yowai-kun?
[11:06] Toto
    Yes, sir.
[11:07] Todo
    Yowai-kun?
[11:08] Toto
    Yes, sir.
[11:10] Todo
    Hey, Yowai-kun.
[11:11] Toto
    Yes? What's the matter, Matsuno-san?
[11:13] Todo
    Uh, I've been calling you over and over.
[11:16] Toto
    Yes. And that's why I've been
    waiting here this whole time.
[11:19] Todo
    Could you come by?
[11:20] Toto
    Pardon?
[11:21] Todo
    Could you come over when I call you?
[11:23] Todo
    Your superior is calling you.
[11:25] Toto
    Oh, I see. But no one told me that.
[11:29] Todo
    Huh?
[11:30] Toto
    No one told me that I had to walk
    over if a superior called for me,
[11:34] Toto
    so I couldn't do it.
[11:37] Toto
    Huh? Is something wrong?
[11:39] Todo
    Huh? No, never mind.
[11:41] Todo
    I just wanted to ask you to do something.
[11:44] Toto
    Yes, sir.
[11:45] Todo
    The numbers aren't adding up on this
    document, so could you fix it?
[11:49] Todo
    I don't think it'll take that long,
    so have it done by lunch.
[11:54] Toto
    Understood.
[11:55] Todo
    Thanks.
[12:00] Todo
    Man, it's already lunchtime.
[12:03] Todo
    H-H-Huh?
[12:04] Toto
    I'm so hungry. I wonder what I should eat.
[12:07] Todo
    H-H-Hey, wait! Yowai-kun?
[12:10] Toto
    Yes, sir?
[12:11] Todo
    What are you doing?
[12:12] Toto
    I'm going to eat lunch.
    Would you like to join me, Matsuno-san?
[12:15] Todo
    What about the document?
[12:16] Toto
    Pardon?
[12:17] Todo
    The document. I asked you to look over
    the numbers and fix them, didn't I?
[12:21] Toto
    Oh, yes. I did my best.
[12:24] Todo
    You did your best to... what?
[12:26] Toto
    I did my best!
[12:27] Toto
    I opened up software I've
    never used in my life,
[12:30] Toto
    used a keyboard I've never used before
    in my life, and did the best that I could!
[12:35] Toto
    Like, really. Yes, I really,
    really did my best!
[12:40] Todo
    I see. And?
[12:41] Toto
    Pardon?
[12:42] Todo
    Well, you keep telling me about the process,
    but I wanted to know the results.
[12:46] Todo
    Did you finish?
[12:47] Toto
    I did not.
[12:48] Todo
    You didn't finish.
[12:49] Toto
    I did not.
[12:52] Todo
    Listen, um... This is your first day.
[12:55] Todo
    I'm sure there are things
    you aren't used to, but...
[12:56] Toto
    I messed up!
[12:58] Todo
    Uh, what?
[12:58] Toto
    I messed up! I mean, you told me
    to have it done by lunchtime,
[13:03] Toto
    so I should have finished it
    by then, no matter what.
[13:05] Toto
    That's what a job is. I'm very sorry.
[13:08] Todo
    You just made a total 180.
[13:10] Todo
    That's not what you were
    saying at first, was it?
[13:12] Todo
    You were trying another method, weren't you?
[13:13] Todo
    Oh, I see.
[13:16] Todo
    Your answers don't even make any sense.
[13:18] Todo
    Well, whatever. Could you
    give me that document back?
[13:21] Todo
    I have to send that over by 2:00 PM,
    so I'll just do it real quick.
[13:25] Toto
    Here. Thank you!
[13:26] Todo
    That was fast. Faster than I've
    ever seen you move before.
[13:30] Toto
    I'm going to lunch now.
[13:31] Todo
    So fast!
[13:36] Todo
    All right, sent. So the next project...
[13:40] Todo
    Oh, right.
[13:41] Todo
    Yowai-kun.
[13:44] Todo
    Yowai-kun, do you have a moment?
[13:48] Todo
    Huh?
[13:52] Todo
    Uh, Yowai-kun?!
[13:57] Todo
    Hey! Hey!
[13:59] Toto
    Oh, Matsuno-san. Is something wrong?
[14:02] Todo
    I could ask you the same thing!
    Why are you sleeping?!
[14:05] Toto
    I was bored.
[14:07] Todo
    Huh?
[14:07] Toto
    Well, you corrected the document for me,
    so I didn't have anything to do anymore.
SIGN    My Neighbor Totoko
SIGN    New Cosmetics Even more beautiful
[14:15] Toto
    Huh? Um, can I help you?
[14:17] Todo
    Uh, could you not wait
    for me to give you work,
[14:20] Todo
    but actually find something to do yourself?
[14:22] Todo
    You're in an office.
[14:24] Toto
    I see. But no one told me, so I couldn't.
[14:28] Todo
    What's wrong with you?!
[14:30] Toto
    Huh?
[14:30] Todo
    You've been pretty awful.
    Your superior called you, but you never came.
[14:34] Todo
    You didn't finish your work by
    the deadline. You fell asleep.
[14:36] Todo
    That's all bad.
[14:38] Toto
    I-I'm sorry...
[14:40] Todo
    I'll do what I can to help you out,
    so could you work a little harder? Okay?
[14:44] Toto
    Yes, sir.
[14:46] Toto
    I hope I can learn to do this
    work as well as you do soon.
[14:50] Todo
    Do you? Well, I'm glad to hear you say that.
[14:54] Toto
    I'll do my best, so please bear with me.
[14:58] Todo
    Yeah. I'm glad we got
    to have this real talk.
SIGN    Resignation
[15:07] Toto
    I'm quitting this job.
[15:09] Todo
    What?!
[15:11] Todo
    Why?! What happened in this
    short period of time?
[15:13] Todo
    You're kidding, right?
[15:14] Toto
    I realized I'm not cut out for this job.
[15:17] Toto
    I only get yelled at, and no
    one acknowledges my work.
[15:21] Toto
    And to be honest, you don't like me,
    do you, Matsuno-san?
[15:25] Todo
    Uh, I've never actually disliked you.
[15:28] Toto
    I'm quitting.
[15:29] Todo
    Wait, Yowai-kun! I'll be honest here!
[15:32] Todo
    We're short on people right now,
    so we'll be in a bind if you quit.
[15:36] Todo
    Could you reconsider?
    Will you consider staying with us?
[15:39] Toto
    All right. I'll keep trying for a little longer.
[15:42] Todo
    Really?!
[15:43] Toto
    Yes. I'll quit trying to run away just
    because something didn't go right.
[15:48] Toto
    I came to work at this office, after all.
[15:52] Todo
    Yeah. You get 100% for that analysis.
[15:54] Toto
    I'll show my intent with my actions,
    not just my words.
[15:56] Todo
    100% for that analysis!
[15:57] Toto
    I won't always go after the biggest goal,
[15:59] Toto
    but work as hard as I can, step by step!
[16:01] Todo
    100%!
[16:02] Toto
    And so, I look forward
    to working with you more.
[16:05] Todo
    I can believe all that, right?
[16:08] Toto
    Yes, sir!
SIGN    Akatsuka Trading
SIGN    Yowai Totoko
SIGN    Unable to Connect
[16:16] Voice
    The number you have dialed
    cannot be reached.
[16:24] Voice
    The number you have dialed cannot be...
[16:26] Ichiko
    Matsuno-san, she totally bailed.
    She didn't care about this job at all.
[16:31] Jushi
    By the way, we did all this work by
    ourselves without you having to ask!
[16:37] Both
    Here you go.
[16:40] Todo
    Shut up, uggos!
[16:42] Ichi
    What? I'm shocked!
[16:44] Jyushi
    That's power harassment
    and sexual harassment!
SIGN    End
[16:45] Jyushi
    Power harassment! Sexual harassment!
SIGN    "Dubbingmatsu-san"
[16:49] Kohai
    Wow, this is the first time I've come here.
SIGN    Matsuno Sextuplets
    16:00~Mr. Osomatsu Dubbing
    B1F Recording stage
SIGN    "Person A, whom we've seen
    around the recording studio,
    but we don't know what he does"
[16:52] Kohai
    So this is where they do the recording
    for the anime, Mr. Osomatsu.
[16:55] Senpai
    Oh, so this is your first time.
SIGN    "Person B, whom we've seen
    around the recording studio,
    but we don't know what he does"
[16:59] Senpai
    Listen up.
[17:00] Senpai
    This is where they do the most empyreal
    and creative work in the anime business...
[17:04] Senpai
    no, in the world... no, in the universe.
[17:06] Senpai
    As a newbie, I'm sure you'll
    learn a thing or two here.
[17:09] Senpai
    Pay close attention.
[17:09] Kohai
    Yes, sir.
[17:17] Oso
    Good morning. Pleasure working with you.
[17:20] Kara
    Yo. Heya.
[17:24] Choro
    Good morning. Pleasure working with you.
[17:27] Ichi
    Hello and good morning!
    Pleasure working with you again!
[17:32] Jyushi
    Mornin'...
[17:34] Todo
    Pleasure.
[17:36] Kohai
    Huh? Wh-Who are those people?
[17:39] Senpai
    Those are the sextuplets.
[17:41] Kohai
    That's them?
[17:47] Kohai
    Wow, it's really them.
[17:49] Senpai
    That's so they won't get recognized.
[17:50] Senpai
    They're the absolute best,
    with 50 million fans each.
[17:54] Senpai
    If they were to be seen around town,
    they'd cause a huge panic.
[17:59] Kohai
    Wow, that's amazing.
[18:01] Senpai
    It is.
[18:03] Kohai
    By the way, what are those things they have?
[18:05] Senpai
    Those are humidifiers.
[18:06] Kohai
    Humidifiers?
[18:07] Senpai
    Voice professionals take every
    measure to care for their throats.
[18:10] Senpai
    They live their lives with their
    humidifiers in hand at any given moment.
[18:15] Senpai
    They even have spare
    throats prepared for them.
[18:17] Kohai
    Spare throats? They're so well prepared!
[18:19] Senpai
    Indeed.
[18:20] Kara
    Nice summer!
[18:22] Kara
    800 summer! Great summer!
[18:24] Kara
    This isn't enough. This isn't enough
    summer to rid schools of bullying!
[18:28] Kohai
    What's he doing?
[18:28] Kara
    Nice summer!
[18:30] Kara
    800 summer! Great summer!
[18:30] Senpai
    Final adjustments. Even if everyone
    else is satisfied with their work,
[18:33] Senpai
    they keep practicing until
    they're personally satisfied.
[18:36] Senpai
    They make 800 million a year,
    but they never slack off at work.
[18:38] Senpai
    They are true professionals.
[18:39] Jyushi
    Bobobo... boeh! Boeba!
[18:43] Jyushi
    Something's not right.
[18:45] Jyushi
    I'm just acting out this
    simple boeba right now...
[18:48] Jyushi
    But I have to create a boeba
    that will move the masses.
[18:52] Jyushi
    Boeba!
[18:52] Kohai
    Amazing...
[18:56] Todo
    Scrubbing my ass with scallops.
    Scrubbing my ass with scallops.
[19:00] Todo
    Scrubbing... ugh! That's not it!
[19:02] Todo
    It's totally wrong, you idiot!
[19:03] Todo
    What did I go study abroad for?
[19:05] Todo
    I can't scrub my ass with scallops properly!
[19:07] Todo
    I'm pathetic!
[19:10] Choro
    Huh. That'll set your ass hair on fire.
[19:13] Choro
    Set your ass hair on...
[19:13] Choro
    No, no. This doesn't feel like
    any ass hair will burn at all.
[19:18] Choro
    Hey, someone! Set my ass hair on fire for me!
[19:21] Oso
    Lucky me! I can see your panties!
[19:23] Oso
    I can see your panties!
[19:24] Oso
    Ugh, this is no good. Hey, someone!
[19:25] Oso
    Show me your panties!
[19:27] Kohai
    W-Wow... They go to such lengths
    to get into character.
[19:31] Senpai
    Since the sextuplets that appear
    in the anime are all virgins,
[19:34] Senpai
    the six that actually voice
    them have also been castrated.
[19:37] Kohai
    Castrated?!
[19:38] Kohai
    They'd go that far? That's amazing!
[19:40] Senpai
    It is.
[19:41] Direct
    Hello, sextuplets. Let's get started.
[19:46] Kohai
    Huh? Once the director said they're
    starting, they all started stripping.
[19:51] Senpai
    Do you know the most
    important rule of dubbing?
[19:53] Kohai
    Rule?
[19:53] Senpai
    When you're in the studio, you can't be
    in there with anything that'll make noise.
[19:58] Senpai
    For example, fancy earrings or necklaces.
[20:00] Senpai
    Any noise, including noise from
    turning the pages of the script,
[20:03] Senpai
    will interrupt the session.
[20:04] Kohai
    I see.
[20:05] Senpai
    But if those are the only precautions
    they're taking, they still have a lot to learn.
[20:08] Senpai
    If you want to know what the
    true professionals do...
[20:12] Senpai
    They get completely naked.
[20:18] Oso
    All right! Dubbing, all right!
[20:23] Oso
    Haven't fondled any boobies,
    come on now, Sunday!
[20:44] Direct
    All right, let's start recording.
[20:47] Kohai
    Wait, what was that?
[20:49] Senpai
    That happens with every project.
[20:51] Kohai
    I had no idea.
[20:53] Direct
    Okay, go ahead.
[21:03] Kohai
    Huh? Hey, wait a sec!
[21:04] Kohai
    Those lines aren't in the script!
[21:06] Senpai
    Only newbies would read the lines
    that are actually in the script.
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[21:10] Senpai
    When you're at their level,
    you change all of the lines in the script,
[21:14] Senpai
    rearrange them,
[21:14] Senpai
    make them your own, and come up
    with a completely different story.
[21:17] Kohai
    Wow...
[21:18] Oso
    Okay, we're good.
[21:19] Kohai
    Wait, did he just call the take himself?
[21:22] Choro
    This one's good.
[21:24] Todo
    Thank you.
[21:26] Senpai
    They've never had to do any retakes.
[21:28] Kohai
    Amazing.
[21:30] Direct
    All right. That's it for today.
[21:32] Kohai
    They seem to be done...
[21:40] Kohai
    Wow, that's amazing!
[21:44] Kohai
    Whoa! Amazing!
[21:45] Kohai
    What?!
[21:53] Kohai
    Amazing!
[21:56] Staff
    Great job, everyone.
[21:56] Some
    Thank you very much.
[22:00] Kohai
    Man, who would've thought such professionals
[22:02] Kohai
    were behind those
    shitty episodes that air on TV?
[22:05] Senpai
    Makes you respect them even more.
SIGN    End
[22:07] Kohai
    Yeah.
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
[23:40] Ichi
    It's cold. Wish I had some
    oden from Chibita's place.
[23:43] Ichi
    I don't have any money, though.
[23:45] Ichi
    Food stalls are cold. I wonder
    if he'll ever have an actual shop.
SIGN    "Chibita's Revenge"
[23:49] Ichi
    I don't have any money, though.
[23:50] Ichi
    I do intend to pay you.

E11 - Chibita's Revenge

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "Chibita's Revenge"
[01:35] Chibi
    The hell?! You idjits! Damn it!
[01:37] Chibi
    Stop drinking! Stop it!
[01:39] Chibi
    Stop eating! Stop!
[01:42] Chibi
    Don't you dare pout like
    you're hungry, you idjits!
SIGN    5/21 Tab
[01:46] Chibi
    Look at how huge your tab is!
[01:49] Chibi
    You jerks keep eating and drinking
    for free every single time!
[01:51] Chibi
    I'm not serving you guys
    a single thing today!
[01:54] Chibi
    If you don't have any money,
    then scram! Right now!
[01:58] Oso
    You've got it all wrong, Chibita.
    There's a very deep reason for this.
[02:01] Choro
    Yeah. There's a reason behind this.
[02:04] Todo
    It's true that we probably shouldn't
    come here without any money,
[02:07] Todo
    but we just somehow end up here.
[02:09] Todo
    It's because
[02:10] Todo
    the oden you make is so good!
[02:14] Jyu
    Yeah, this oden is so good.
[02:16] Ichi
    Yup.
[02:18] Chib
    That good?
[02:19] Kara
    Why hasn't Micholin found this shop yet?
[02:22] Chib
    Micholin?!
[02:23] Oso
    You're a genius, Chibita.
[02:25] Choro
    Your oden is just too good.
[02:26] Jyushi
    Chef Chibita!
[02:27] Todo
    You're God's gift to oden.
[02:29] Jyushi
    Chef Chibita!
[02:30] Kara
    You've got nothing but talent!
[02:32] Ichi
    I'm jealous.
[02:34] Chibi
    Y-Y-You idjits. Stop flattering me.
[02:38] Chibi
    You're making me blush.
[02:39] Todo
    But we shouldn't.
[02:41] Todo
    I mean, our tab's huge.
    It's not fair to Chibita.
[02:45] Todo
    Let's go home for today.
[02:47] Some
    Yeah.
[02:50] Todo
    Come on. Let's just come another time.
SIGN    Hybrid Oden
[02:52] Chibi
    Hold it.
[02:55] Chibi
    There. Have a bite before you leave.
[02:57] All
    What?! Really?
[02:59] ---
    But what about the tab?
SIGN    We have WiFi
[03:01] Chibi
    Stop worrying about some
    stupid tab, you idjits.
[03:05] Chibi
    You can pay me when
    you have the money.
[03:09] All
    Thanks, Chibita!
[03:14] Chibi
    Don't forget about that tab, though.
[03:16] All
    Sure!
[03:18] Chibi
    Man, they're fast! It's all gone already!
[03:21] Some
    Thanks!
[03:23] Some
    So full!
[03:24] Some
    Thanks!
[03:27] Chibi
    Jeez, they're hopeless.
SIGN    Pachinko Ryuu
[03:38] Three
    We lost again.
[03:40] Chibi
    Hey.
[03:48] Three
    Of course we lost.
[03:51] Chibi
    Hey.
[03:58] Chibi
    The hell?! You idjits! Damn it!
[04:00] Chibi
    You guys won't pay me for
    all that food and drink,
[04:02] Chibi
    so why are you messing with
    pachinko and horse races?!
[04:04] Oso
    Y-You've got it all wrong, Chibita!
    There's a good reason behind this!
[04:07] Chibi
    I'm not falling for that again!
[04:11] Kara
    Are you okay, Choromatsu?
    I'm coming to save you, Choromatsu!
[04:14] Choro
    Then stop running, you Shittymatsu!
[04:19] Choro
    Get him off me! Hurry up
    and get Chibita off me!
[04:23] All
    Let go!
[04:25] Chibi
    Then pay up!
[04:27] Fou
    Let go!
[04:29] Chibi
    Pay up!
[04:30] Four
    Let go!
[04:30] Todo
    You can do it! Don't give up!
[04:32] Chibi
    Pay up!
[04:33] Four
    Let go!
[04:35] Chibi
    Pay up!
[04:36] Four
    Let go!
[04:55] Kara
    Chibita, are you all right?
[04:58] Oso
    Sorry. Did we pull out your hair?
[05:17] Choro
    U-Um, we really will pay
    that tab sometime soon.
[05:22] Jyu
    Yeah, we will.
[05:24] Ichi
    W-We'll be leaving now.
[05:26] Todo
    Sorry, Chibita!
[06:11] Ichi
    What? It's already this late?
[06:15] Ichi
    What's with the weather? It's insane.
[06:24] Oso
    Man, that was some good sleep.
    We probably shouldn't live like this.
[06:28] Oso
    It's not like I don't feel guilty at all.
[06:33] Todo
    It's still not working.
[06:35] Oso
    What's wrong?
[06:36] Todo
    Oh, Osomatsu-niisan.
    Something weird's going on.
[06:39] Oso
    Weird?
[06:40] Todo
    My cell phone hasn't been connecting.
[06:42] Todo
    For some reason it says no service.
SIGN    No Service
[06:44] Todo
    I wonder if I dropped it somewhere.
[06:47] Choro
    The TV's being weird, too.
[06:53] Jyushi
    And the lights.
[06:57] Jyu
    They keep doing that.
[07:01] Oso
    Oh, yeah. Where are Mom and Dad?
[07:03] Jyushi
    They're gone.
[07:05] Oso
    Gone?
[07:06] Kara
    Ichimatsu, too. When I woke up,
    he was nowhere to be found.
[07:09] Oso
    Huh? Wh-What's up with that?
[07:17] Oso
    What the hell?
[07:20] Kara
    Hey, look!
[07:31] Choro
    I-Ichimatsu!
[07:33] Jyushi
    Ichimatsu-niisan!
[07:36] Todo
    What is this?! What's going on?
[07:39] Kara
    It must be Chibita.
[07:41] Kara
    He's finally out for revenge.
[07:44] Oso
    Chibita? I mean, a lot happened yesterday,
    but he doesn't need to go this far...
[07:49] Jyushi
    Nii-san!
[07:55] Choro
    W-We need to close all the windows
    and doors! He'll come again!
[07:58] Choro
    We can't let him in the house! Hurry!
[08:11] Kara
    There.
[08:12] Kara
    He shouldn't be able to get in now.
[08:15] Todo
    We should be fine as long
    as we don't go outside.
[08:17] Kara
    Yeah.
[08:28] Todo
    H-How long do we have to stay like this?
[08:36] Todo
    Choromatsu-niisan.
[08:37] Choro
    Huh?
[08:38] Todo
    Don't you need to go to the bathroom?
[08:40] Choro
    Huh? Where'd that come from?
[08:42] Choro
    You're the one who needs to go.
[08:44] Oso
    What? Totty, you need
    to go to the bathroom?
[08:46] Oso
    Sure. Go right ahead.
[08:48] Kara
    Since you're telling him to go ahead,
[08:51] Kara
    I think you just proved you
    need to go, too, Osomatsu.
[08:55] Jyu
    I gotta go pee.
[08:58] Four
    What?!
[08:59] Jyu
    What?!
[08:59] Todo
    You have to pee? Then go right ahead!
[09:02] Jyu
    I didn't say that.
[09:02] Todo
    Uh, you totally did.
[09:04] Jyu
    Did not.
[09:05] Kara
    It's all right, Jyushimatsu.
    Don't worry about us.
[09:07] Jyu
    I didn't say that!
[09:09] Kara
    All right, then. Majority rules.
[09:11] Kara
    Let's point to who we think
    should go to the bathroom first.
[09:15] Kara
    Ready, and...
[09:17] Kara
    Why?! How did I get picked,
    with the way things were going?!
[09:21] Choro
    Well, being picked at a time like this
[09:23] Choro
    is basically Karamatsu's reason for living.
[09:25] Kara
    Brother, where did all your
    kindness from last week go?
[09:31] Oso
    Never mind. I'm not going to the bathroom.
[09:33] Oso
    I didn't need to go anyway.
[09:35] Jyu
    I-I don't need to go, either.
[09:38] Todo
    I don't, either.
[09:39] Choro
    Same.
[09:40] Kara
    M-M-M-Me, too.
[09:51] Oso
    There, there. It's not scary, Osomatsu.
[09:55] Oso
    See? It's totally fine.
[10:06] Oso
    Yup, not scary at all.
    All the entrances are blocked.
[10:14] Oso
    I mean, even if I was attacked, I'd win.
[10:16] Oso
    I'm a really good fighter.
[10:20] Oso
    Scary! This is so scary!
[10:22] Oso
    What the hell?! This is pissing me off!
[10:56] Oso
    Okay, I'm gonna head back for now.
[10:59] Choro
    What the hell are you doing?
[11:03] Choro
    You're insanely freaked out. How pathetic.
[11:06] Todo
    You okay?
[11:13] Jyushi
    Aw, and I was going to surprise you.
[11:18] Jyushi
    Boeh!
[11:21] Choro
    Come on, cut that out.
[11:23] Choro
    He's going to die.
[11:27] Oso
    Huh? Where's Karamatsu?
SIGN    Just you wait, sextuplets!
[11:37] Todo
    Wh-What's going on? How?
[11:41] Choro
    He's here.
SIGN    Just you wait, sextuplets!
[11:43] Choro
    Chibita's already in the house.
SIGN    I'm so pissed! You idiots!
SIGN    Revenge
[11:51] Choro
    Todomatsu!
[11:53] Choro
    Hey! What are you doing?!
[11:55] Todo
    What do you think?
    I'm getting out of the house!
[11:57] Jyu
    Totty!
[11:57] Choro
    No! It's safer staying in the
    house with everyone else!
[12:00] Oso
    Totty!
[12:01] Todo
    Let go!
[12:14] Chibi
    Matsu hunting, Matsu hunting, so much fun.
[12:20] Chibi
    The purple Matsu got it in the mouth.
[12:26] Chibi
    The blue Matsu got it in the ears.
[12:32] Chibi
    Which Matsu will it be next? The hell?
[13:28] Totty
    Wh-What the heck is this?!
[13:30] Totty
    What the heck is this?!
[14:05] Todo
    Osomatsu-niisan!
[14:21] Choro
    W-Wait!
[14:23] Choro
    Wait!
SIGN    Iyami
[14:25] Oso
    Iyami!
[14:26] Choro
    Open up, Iyami!
[14:28] Jyushi
    Iyami!
[14:31] Oso
    Iyami!
[14:31] Iyami
    Wh-What is it, Ichimatsu?
[14:33] Oso
    I'm Osomatsu, but let us in!
[14:36] Iyami
    Why?
[14:36] Choro
    Just hurry and let us in!
[14:38] Jyushi
    Hurry!
[14:39] Oso
    Come on, please! If we stay
    out here, we're going to die!
[14:42] Iyami
    Oh, I see. Scram.
[14:44] Choro
    Uh, we're going to die!
[14:45] Iyami
    Scram.
[14:46] Jyushi
    We're gonna die!
[14:47] Iyami
    Scram!
[14:48] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[14:49] Iyami
    No one said you could come in! Scram!
[14:54] Iyami
    Chibita is out to get you?
    That's very unfortunate.
[14:57] Choro
    This isn't funny!
[14:59] Jyushi
    Iyami, do you have any weapons?
    Like missiles or bombs?
[15:02] Iyami
    Give it up. The moment Chibita decided
    to come after you, you lot were finished.
[15:07] Choro
    Don't say that!
[15:09] Oso
    Help us come up with a plan!
[15:11] Oso
    We're pals, aren't we? Come on!
[15:13] Uggo
    Who is that, Iyami-chan?
    Hurry up and tell them to leave.
[15:21] Iyami
    You guys are hopeless.
    Me will let you stay here, just for tonight.
[15:24] Iyami
    Once it's morning, you need to scram.
[15:26] Three
    Iyami!
[15:28] Oso
    We really are best buds!
[15:31] Choro
    Seriously, thank you!
[15:32] Jyu
    Iyami!
[15:42] Iyami
    Me just did another good deed.
[15:45] Iyami
    You must be hungry.
    Me will order some take-out.
[15:49] Oso
    Thank goodness.
[15:50] Choro
    We're saved!
[15:52] Jyushi
    Iyami's so nice.
[15:54] Oso
    Yeah. Iyami's actually a kind soul...
[15:59] Three
    L-Like hell he is!
[16:04] Chibi
    Matsu hunting, Matsu hunting, so much fun.
[16:09] Chibi
    The purple Matsu got it in the mouth.
[16:15] Chibi
    The blue Matsu got it in the ears.
[16:18] Iyami
    Go right ahead.
[16:21] Chibi
    The pink Matsu got it in the nose.
[16:26] Chibi
    Which Matsu will it be next? The hell?
[16:40] Oso
    W-Wait, Chibita. Calm down!
[16:42] Choro
    Let's talk this out! Okay?
[16:43] Jyushi
    We're childhood friends!
    Childhood friends!
[16:45] Oso
    Why are you so mad, anyway?
    Because we didn't pay the tab?
[16:49] Oso
    Because we plucked your hair out?
    It'll just grow back anyw—
[16:52] Chibi
    You idjit!
[16:57] Chibi
    This hair...
[16:58] Choro
    I-It's in a frame!
[17:01] Chibi
    This one hair... was my final bastion.
[17:06] Chibi
    Since you pulled it out...
[17:09] Chibi
    I'm just another completely bald person!
[17:16] Choro
    Uh, I'm pretty sure you were before—
[17:18] Chibi
    You thought it yesterday, didn't you?!
    That I was completely bald!
[17:23] Oso
    Actually, not just yesterday...
[17:25] Jyushi
    Honestly, we thought that
    ever since we met you...
[17:27] Chibi
    You idjits! Damn it!
[17:30] Chibi
    This might be funny to you,
[17:32] Chibi
    but this is so shocking to me
    that my world has basically ended!
[17:36] Chibi
    So...
[17:38] Chibi
    I'm going to kill you idjits!
[17:40] Oso
    Nothing we say is going to help us now.
[17:42] Choro
    Yeah.
[17:51] Oso
    Huh?
[17:56] Oso
    Save me!
[17:58] Choro
    Hey! That's messed up!
[17:59] Oso
    Please!
[18:00] Jyushi
    Stop it! Let go!
[18:02] Both
    Here you go!
[18:03] Oso
    You bastards betrayed me!
    You're terrible people!
[18:06] Choro
    You have the nerve to say that?!
[18:19] Chibi
    Do you guys remember?
    My head's as hard as a rock!
[18:23] Chibi
    Since we're childhood friends,
    I'm sure you know I hold grudges!
[18:27] Chibi
    You also know how resilient I am...
[18:49] Chibi
    And you know that I never
    forget to repay my debts!
[19:02] Chibi
    You could never beat me
    one-on-one, you idjit.
SIGN    Cut
[19:08] Chibi
    Looks like you're the last one, Jyushimatsu.
[19:12] Chibi
    You're the one
[19:13] Chibi
    who pulled out my last hair, aren't you?
SIGN    Cut
[19:18] Chibi
    You didn't say anything because
    you thought you'd get in trouble.
[19:21] Chibi
    But I knew.
[19:25] Chibi
    You've got some nerve, you idjit.
    I'm not holding back!
[19:53] Jyushi
    Boeba!
[19:57] Jyushi
    What just happened?
SIGN    One more time, in slow motion
[20:29] Jyushi
    Boeba!
[20:32] Jyushi
    What just happened?
[20:37] Chibi
    I won!
[20:39] Chibi
    The hell?! You idjits! Damn it!
SIGN    Mustard
[20:50] Chibi
    All right, everyone, all together now.
[20:52] Chibi
    And a...
[20:53] Chibi
    Matsu hunting, Matsu hunting, so much fun.
[20:57] Chibi
    The purple Matsu got it in the mouth.
[21:01] Chibi
    The blue Matsu got it in the ears.
[21:05] Chibi
    The pink Matsu got it in the nose.
[21:09] Chibi
    The green Matsu got it in the eyes.
[21:13] Chibi
    The red Matsu got it in the ass.
[21:17] Chibi
    The yellow Matsu got it in
    his Matsu down below.
[21:21] Chibi
    And now it's complete, the hell?
[21:26] Dad
    Oh, dear. I have no idea what's going on,
[21:29] Dad
    but I'm sure this is some kind
    of punishment they deserved.
[21:33] Mom
    I'm sure it is.
[21:35] Dad
    Aloha!
[21:36] Mom
    Hawaii!
[21:37] Chibi
    That's what you get.
[21:39] Toto
    Hey, it's baldy!
[21:41] Chibi
    Who you callin' baldy, you idjit?! Dam—
[21:44] Chibi
    Oh, Totoko-chan!
[21:46] Toto
    How cute. You look so much better this way.
[21:49] Chibi
    What? R-Really?
[21:52] Toto
    Yeah. It suits you.
[21:55] Chibi
    Really? Yeah, I was just thinking
    I look better this way, too.
[22:01] Chibi
    It was pretty half-assed,
    just having one hair left.
[22:05] Chibi
    Of course being completely bald is better.
[22:07] Toto
    Yeah, you've got good taste, Chibita-kun.
[22:10] Chibi
    Thanks! Man, now I'm all popular.
[22:14] Chibi
    What am I gonna do?
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "The Eitarou Family" etc.
[23:49] Ichi
    I want to fart next time.
[23:52] Jyu
    I also want to let it all hang out.

E12 - The Eitarou Family

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "Totoko and Nyaa 3"
[00:11] Totoko
    What should I do?
[00:12] Totoko
    This isn't good. Not good at all.
[00:17] Totoko
    What should I do?
[00:19] Totoko
    This isn't good. I might be in real trouble.
[00:25] Totoko
    What should I do?
[00:27] Totoko
    I'm troubled. Will anyone hear me out?
[00:32] Totoko
    If you don't hear me out,
    I might end up in worse trouble.
[00:36] Totoko
    The absolute worst might happen!
[00:39] Totoko
    Seriously, what should I do?
[00:42] Nyaa
    Shut up!
[00:43] Nyaa
    What's with you? You're ruining my liquor.
[00:46] Nyaa
    Is something bothering you?
[00:48] Totoko
    Huh?
[00:49] Totoko
    No, it's nothing. I'll be fine.
[00:53] Nyaa
    You're so annoying!
[00:55] Nyaa
    You're hinting at it so much,
    and when I finally ask,
[00:57] Nyaa
    you act like nothing's wrong! I hate you!
[01:02] Totoko
    You see, I...
[01:03] Nyaa
    Now she's telling me anyway!
[01:05] Toto
    I'm thinking about quitting being an idol.
[01:08] Nyaa
    Huh?
[01:10] Nyaa
    Wh-What's wrong? Did something happen?
[01:14] Nyaa
    Tell me, even though I might
    not be able to say much about it.
[01:18] Nyaa
    I mean, we're always
    here drinking together.
[01:24] Toto
    Sorry. Is it okay to tell you?
[01:26] Nyaa
    Yeah.
[01:27] Toto
    You see...
[01:29] Toto
    I was just thinking that idols...
[01:30] Chibi
    What?!
[01:31] Chibi
    They're hearing out each other's problems?
[01:33] Chibi
    What the heck is this?!
SIGN    To Be Continued
[03:07] Ei
    One, two, three, four, five,
SIGN    "The Eitarou Family"
[03:13] Ei
    six, seven, eight, nine, ten!
[03:19] Ei
    Are you ready?
[03:22] Jyu
    I'm ready!
[03:32] Ei
    Huh?
[03:34] Ei
    Jyushimatsu, where are you?
[03:38] Ei
    Okay, I give up. Come out, Jyushimatsu!
[03:47] Jyu
    Boba!
[03:51] Ei
    A-Amazing! You're amazing, Jyushimatsu!
[03:55] Ei
    So cool!
[03:58] Ei
    What the heck is that?!
[04:02] Ei
    So cool!
[04:05] Ei
    What?!
[04:08] Jyu
    Boeh!
[04:09] Ei
    Amazing!
[04:11] Jyu
    Boeba!
[04:12] Ei
    You're too amazing!
[04:17] Ei
    So cool!
[04:20] Ei
    You really are the best, Jyushimatsu.
[04:23] Ei
    I wanna be just like you, Jyushimatsu.
[04:26] Jyu
    Eitarou, you should call me "Master."
[04:30] Ei
    You're amazing, Jyushimatsu.
[04:32] Jyu
    You should call me "Master."
[04:34] Ei
    I wanna be just like you, Jyushimatsu.
SIGN    Muscle Power
[04:38] Ei
    Thanks, Master!
[04:41] Both
    Jyushimatsu is super popular.
[04:45] Both
    The crows gather and the dogs bark.
[04:49] Both
    Jyushimatsu is Jyushimatsu.
[04:53] Both
    I said Jyushimatsu is Jyushimatsu.
[04:56] Both
    Cheers!
[05:03] Ei
    Sigh...
[05:04] Ei
    I wonder if I can ever
    be like you, Jyushimatsu.
[05:08] Jyu
    I dunno. It's not really something
    you can become just by wanting to.
[05:12] Ei
    I see...
[05:15] Jyu
    But I'm sure you can.
[05:18] Ei
    I can, huh?
[05:19] Ei
    All right! I'm gonna do my best!
[05:23] Todo
    Huh?
[05:24] Todo
    What are they doing? Who is that kid?
[05:27] Ichi
    Apparently he's Jyushimatsu follower.
[05:29] Todo
    Follower?!
[05:30] Ichi
    Yeah.
[05:31] Ichi
    An unfortunate grade-schooler
    who was bewitched by Jyushimatsu's
[05:35] Ichi
    excitement and physical form.
[05:36] Todo
    Say what?
[05:37] Ichi
    You've never seen him?
[05:39] Ichi
    He's been waiting outside our house lately.
[05:42] Todo
    Waiting outside our house?
    For Jyushimatsu-niisan?
[05:45] Ichi
    This isn't good.
[05:46] Todo
    Of course it's not. He totally looks
    up to him for all the wrong reasons.
[05:50] Ei
    Hustle, hustle! Muscle, muscle!
[05:51] Ichi
    Youthful passion, huh...
[05:53] Todo
    No surprise he'd get into that.
[05:53] Both
    Hustle, hustle! Muscle, muscle!
[05:55] Ichi
    It's like a hard drug...
[05:56] Both
    Hustle, hustle! Muscle, muscle!
[06:01] Ei
    Say, Jyushimatsu.
SIGN    Muscle Power
[06:03] Ei
    Say, Master.
[06:04] Jyu
    Yeah?
[06:05] Ei
    This is just something I heard,
[06:07] Ei
    but are you something
    called a "NEET, "Jyushimatsu?
[06:09] Jyu
    Huh?! A NEET?
[06:11] Ei
    What's a NEET?
[06:13] Jyu
    Huh?
[06:13] Jyu
    Uh...
[06:16] Jyu
    It's a position in baseball.
[06:18] Both
    A position in baseball?!
[06:19] Ei
    A position in baseball?
[06:21] Jyu
    It's a position between second and
    shortstop, called NEET for short.
[06:24] Jyu
    Bring it!
[06:25] Ei
    Huh? Then... does that mean you're a
    professional baseball player, Jyushimatsu?!
[06:30] Jyu
    Yeah. I'm in an independent league, though.
[06:33] Ei
    Wow... You really are amazing!
[06:36] Ichi
    He is amazing. He's actually lying to a kid.
[06:41] Ei
    Also, what's a cherry boy?
[06:43] Jyu
    I love cherries.
[06:45] Ei
    Really?
[06:47] Both
    Really?
[06:48] Jyu
    All right, Eitarou. Today,
    I'll teach you a secret technique.
[06:52] Ei
    A secret technique? Finally?
[06:54] Ei
    I've been waiting my whole life for this!
[06:56] Jyu
    And it's called...
[06:58] Jyu
    Final...
[07:00] Jyu
    Fart Rush.
[07:01] Ei
    Final Fart Rush!
[07:03] Ei
    What's that? Hurry up and
    show me, Jyushimatsu!
[07:07] Ei
    Hurry, hurry!
[07:08] Ichi
    Final Fart Rush?!
[07:10] Todo
    Don't sound so interested.
[07:12] Jyu
    Okay, here we go.
[07:18] Jyu
    Final... Fart Rush!
[07:24] Ei
    That's an amazing rush!
[07:26] Ei
    How do you do that?
    How does your body even work?!
[07:35] Ei
    You really are the best, Jyushimatsu.
[07:38] Ei
    I wanna be just like you, Jyushimatsu.
[07:43] Ichi
    To be frank, at the time,
[07:46] Ichi
    I thought he was going to get
    punished in some way for this.
[07:49] Todo
    Yeah.
[07:51] Ichi
    But it was interesting,
    so I decided not to say anything.
[07:54] Todo
    Yeah. We totally let it go.
SIGN    One Week Later
[07:58] Ichi
    And then, one day...
[08:00] Ei
    Hup! Take that!
[08:04] Ei
    Yay!
[08:05] Ei
    Reversing two-seam fast pitch!
[08:06] Ei
    Thanks for the steal!
[08:08] Ei
    Sorry for the trouble machines!
[08:10] Ei
    Boeh! Boeba!
[08:13] Ei
    Boeh! Boeba!
[08:16] Mom
    Matsuno-san, what's going on here?
[08:20] Jyu
    Well, uh...
[08:23] Mom
    He's clearly imitating you, isn't he?
[08:26] Jyu
    Uh, is he?
[08:29] Jyu
    I don't know if we can say that for sure.
[08:31] Ei
    Look, look, Master!
[08:32] Mom
    "Master"?
[08:34] Mom
    Did you teach my son something?
[08:36] Jyu
    No, no...
[08:37] Mom
    Did you brainwash him?
[08:38] Jyu
    No, no, no!
[08:39] Ei
    It's no use!
[08:41] Ei
    I just can't do it the way
    you taught me, Master.
[08:45] Mom
    How often are you seeing my son?
[08:49] Jyu
    Huh? Uh... Maybe once a month?
[08:53] Ei
    We see each other every day!
[08:54] Jyu
    Eitarou-kun?!
[08:56] Mom
    Every day...
[08:57] Mom
    Pardon me for asking,
    but what is your occupation?
[09:00] Ei
    He's a NEET!
[09:01] Jyu
    Eitarou-kun!
[09:02] Ei
    He's a professional baseball player
    in an independent league,
[09:04] Ei
    who plays the position
    between second and short!
[09:07] Jyu
    Eitarou-kun!
[09:08] Ei
    He's also a cherry boy!
[09:10] Jyu
    Eitarou-kun!
[09:26] Mom
    What is he...
[09:27] Jyu
    Oh, that's uh, um...
[09:29] Mom
    Eitarou.
[09:30] Jyu
    Ma'am.
[09:31] Mom
    Eitarou.
[09:32] Jyushi
    Ma'am! Let's not ask!
[09:34] Mom
    Eitarou, what are you doing?
[09:36] Ei
    It's the Final Fart Rush!
[09:38] Mom
    Huh?
[09:38] Jyushi
    Eitarou-kun!
[09:40] Mom
    Final Fart Rush?
[09:42] Ei
    Yup! Master taught it to me!
[09:44] Jyu
    Eitarou-kun!
[09:46] Mom
    What might that be?
[09:48] Jyu
    Pardon?
[09:49] Mom
    What exactly is Final Fart Rush?
[09:55] Ei
    It's a joke.
[09:57] Mom
    A joke?
[09:57] Ei
    Yeah! And it's super funny!
[10:01] Mom
    Matsuno-san, pardon me for asking,
[10:04] Mom
    but would you mind doing it right now?
[10:06] Jyu
    Right now? Right here?!
[10:08] Mom
    I would love to see it.
[10:10] Jyu
    W-Well, I'm not sure...
[10:12] Ei
    Come on, do it!
[10:14] Ei
    But I'm warning you, Mom...
    You'll definitely laugh!
[10:17] Ei
    You'll be in stitches!
    You're lucky to be able to see it.
[10:20] Jyu
    Eitarou!
[10:23] Mom
    If you would.
[10:26] Jyu
    U-Um... Do you promise not to get mad?
[10:31] Mom
    Of course.
[10:33] Mom
    I'm the one asking you to do it.
[10:37] Jyu
    Okay...
[10:38] Ei
    Yes! The Final Fart!
[10:40] Ei
    We get to see the Final Fart!
[10:41] Ei
    Huh?
[10:51] Jyu
    Final...
[10:54] Jyu
    Fart Ru—
[10:58] Mom
    I-I'm so sorry. I couldn't hold back.
[11:03] Jyu
    No, no...
[11:04] Jyu
    Please don't worry about it.
[11:06] Mom
    What should I do?
[11:08] Jyu
    I'm the one at fault here.
[11:09] Mom
    I'm so sorry.
[11:12] Ei
    You look funny!
[11:16] Mom
    Matsuno-san... No, Master...
[11:19] Jyu
    Huh?
[11:20] Mom
    I'm sorry for being critical.
[11:23] Jyu
    Huh?
[11:24] Mom
    I asked you over to the house
    because I had a favor to ask you.
[11:31] Todo
    They move around a lot?
[11:32] Jyu
    Yeah.
[11:34] Jyu
    Apparently Eitarou is constantly
    moving because of his dad's job.
[11:40] Jyu
    Because of that, he hasn't really
    been able to make any friends.
[11:43] Jyu
    His mom said he's always been
    a really lonely and sad little kid.
[11:47] Todo
    Huh... But since he met you...
[11:51] Ichi
    ...he became a happy, energetic kid.
[11:55] Jyu
    His mom ended up asking me
    to keep hanging out with him.
[12:03] Ichi
    That's a bit iffy, isn't it?
[12:05] Todo
    Yeah. It'd be better for him if he could
    be friends with the kids at school.
[12:10] Jyu
    Yeah...
[12:12] Todo
    What are you going to do?
[12:13] Jyu
    Hmm...
[12:16] Jyu
    I have no choice.
[12:18] Jyu
    I'll have to make up more jokes.
[12:21] Both
    Huh?
[12:23] Both
    Hop, step, and then...
[12:25] Ichi
    Uh, Jyushimatsu?
[12:25] Both
    Crash with all your might!
[12:27] Todo
    Eitarou-kun? Why would you need
    those jokes to make friends?
[12:33] Todo
    Wait, what's wrong with his family?
    There's something wrong here!
[12:38] Eitarou
    Sheeeh!
[12:40] Ichi
    Wait, wait, wait, wait, that's not even his!
[12:42] Todo
    Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
    that's someone else's!
SIGN    Comedy
SIGN    Heart Technique Physique
SIGN    Get the laughs
SIGN    Jyushimatsu Style License Eitarou-dono
[12:54] Both
    What?
[13:01] Mom
    I wonder if Eitarou will be okay...
[13:04] Mom
    Is that joke really funny?
[13:06] Jyu
    Don't worry. He'll be able to...
[13:09] Jyu
    Muscle, muscle! Hustle, hustle!
[13:12] Jyu
    Muscle, muscle! Hustle, hustle!
[13:12] Mom
    Such confidence!
[13:15] Jyu
    Muscle, muscle!
[13:15] Ei
    Here I go!
[13:29] Ei
    I did it!
[13:30] Ei
    Jyushimatsu, look! When I did that joke,
    I made a ton of friends!
[13:36] Ei
    It's all thanks to you, Jyushimatsu!
[13:37] Jyu
    Yes. Well done, my apprentice.
[13:41] Jyu
    You did it, Eitarou!
[13:44] Ei
    Yeah!
[13:46] Ei
    Yay! I did it!
[13:47] Jyu
    You did it! You did it!
[13:48] Ei
    Thanks, Jyushimatsu!
[13:49] Mom
    Thank goodness I took a chance on him.
    Good for you, Eitarou.
[13:50] Jyu
    No problem!
[13:55] Ei
    Oh, and also, Jyushimatsu...
[13:57] Ei
    I even got a girlfriend.
[14:01] Jyu
    Eitarou...
[14:03] Jyu
    You're expelled!
[14:05] Jyu
    You're expelled!
[14:06] Jyu
    You're expelled!
[14:14] Jyu
    How dare you surpass your Master?!
[14:16] Mom
    Amazing!
[14:17] Mom
    M-Master!
[14:19] Mom
    Master! Make me your apprentice!
[14:21] Jyu
    No more apprentices!
[14:22] Mom
    Master!
[14:24] Jyu
    I'm telling you, no more apprentices!
[14:26] Mom
    Please!
[14:27] Jyu
    Nope!
SIGN    End
[14:40] Deka
    How boring.
SIGN    "Give Them Back"
[14:42] Deka
    Nothing's happening. I feel so down.
[14:51] Deka
    Wh-What are you doing?
[14:53] Deka
    Don't! Hey!
[14:58] Deka
    Now you've done it. Give them back.
[15:04] Deka
    Give them back.
[15:09] Deka
    Hey!
[15:13] Deka
    Give them back!
[15:20] Deka
    Give them back!
[15:34] Deka
    Now I'm feeling much better. Thank you.
[15:38] Deka
    It's hard to figure out what
    you're really thinking,
[15:41] Deka
    but you're actually a kind soul.
[16:21] Deka
    Give them back!
[16:36] Deka
    Give them back! Hey!
[16:41] Deka
    Give them back!
[16:42] Toto
    Eek! A pervert!
[16:44] Toto
    Mommy!
[16:45] Deka
    Y-You've got it all wrong!
    This is his fault!
[16:49] Aida
    That hat looks really good on you.
[16:51] Todo
    Really?
[16:52] Deka
    Give them back!
[16:54] Todo
    Hey, you bastard!
[16:57] Oso
    I lost...
[16:58] Ichi
    This sucks.
[17:00] Deka
    Give them back!
[17:02] Ichi
    What?
[17:04] ---
    Whoa, hey!
[17:07] Ei
    Make me your apprentice again!
[17:11] Deka
    Hold it!
[17:14] Ei
    Jyushimatsu!
[17:16] Jyu
    Boeh!
[17:17] Ei
    Boeh!
SIGN    Don't run! It's dangerous!
[17:21] Deka
    Give them back!
[17:27] Deka
    Give them back!
[17:31] Choro
    What are you doing?
[17:33] Choro
    What, what, what?
[17:34] Kara
    Wh-Wh-Wh-What is this?!
[17:36] Kara
    What? What? What?!
[17:41] Choro
    Isn't this a bit long?
[17:43] Kara
    What the hell?!
[17:45] Deka
    Give them back!
[17:47] Deka
    That's enough! I'm being serious here!
[17:51] Deka
    Seriously, give them back!
[17:52] Deka
    Hey!
[18:01] Deka
    What are you trying to do?
[18:02] Deka
    What are you thinking?
[18:05] Deka
    Hey!
[18:06] Deka
    Hold it!
[18:09] Deka
    Give them back!
[19:39] Deka
    Hot, hot, hot!
[20:42] Deka
    Give them back!
[20:47] Deka
    I'll never forgive you!
[20:48] Deka
    Did you hear me?!
    I'll never forgive you for this!
[20:54] Deka
    Give them back!
[20:57] Deka
    Give them back!
[21:00] Deka
    Hey!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Totoko and Nyaa 4"
[22:39] Toto
    That's what's been on my mind lately.
[22:42] Toto
    So I was thinking it might
    be time to call it quits.
[22:46] Toto
    I seriously don't know what to do.
[22:48] Nya
    I see... That sucks...
[22:51] Nya
    Doesn't it?
[22:51] Toto
    Ow! Hot, hot, hot! Hot, hot, hot!
[22:54] Toto
    Hot!
[22:56] Nyaa
    My eyes! My eyes!
[22:58] Nyaa
    Take that!
[23:04] Toto
    The hell are you doing?!
[23:36] Nya
    Bitch!
[23:37] Toto
    The hell?!
[23:39] ---
    Damn it!
[23:42] Toto
    Disappear!
[23:44] Toto
    You stupid Hashimoto!
SIGN    End
[23:46] Toto
    Die!
[23:47] Toto
    Uggo!
[23:48] Nyaa
    You're the uggo!
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "End of the Year" etc.
[23:49] Todo
    The end of the year comes for us NEETs, too.
[23:51] Todo
    That's both good and bad.

E13 - End of the Year

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "Have a Wonderful New Year"
[00:13] Choro
    It's the end of the year.
[00:15] Oso
    Sure is.
[00:17] Choro
    It went by fast.
[00:19] Oso
    Sure did.
[00:21] Choro
    It was a great year.
[00:23] Oso
    Sure was.
[00:26] Choro
    We slept, woke up, ate, played pachinko,
    went to horse races, played mahjong,
[00:30] Choro
    went to a bathhouse, drank booze,
    got drunk, fapped, and went to bed.
[00:34] Choro
    What a fulfilling year.
[00:36] Choro
    Is it really okay that we just
    keep living such blissful lives?
[00:39] Oso
    I'm sure it is.
[00:45] Choro
    Of course it's not! Are you stupid?!
[00:47] Choro
    You stupid moron!
[00:48] Oso
    What? What the heck's going on?
    Talk about scary.
[00:51] Choro
    We didn't do a damn thing again this year!
[00:53] Choro
    We haven't progressed at all! No changes!
[00:56] Choro
    When I was a kid, I thought people
    our age were more mature.
[01:02] Choro
    I guess we're still children,
    no matter how old we get.
[01:05] Choro
    And failures will always be failures.
[01:09] Oso
    Don't worry. There's still time.
[01:12] Choro
    Huh?
[01:13] Oso
    I mean, there's still a little bit of time
    before the year's over, right?
[01:17] Oso
    If we hurry up and do something good,
[01:19] Oso
    we can say this was a good year.
[01:23] Choro
    I get it.
[01:24] Choro
    All's well that ends well.
[01:26] Oso
    Exactly.
[01:27] Choro
    But what's something good that we can do?
[01:33] Oso
    If we can rid the world of
    one more shitty person...
[01:35] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[01:39] Choro
    If that's the least we can do...
[01:42] Both
    This is our good deed!
[01:44] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[01:52] Both
    And now for us!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Lottery
[03:28] Oso
    What?
[03:29] Oso
    Come on, let's buy one, Ichimatsu-chan.
SIGN    "Year-End Jumbo Lottery"
[03:31] Ichi
    Nope.
[03:32] Oso
    We'll definitely win.
[03:33] Ichi
    We won't.
[03:34] Oso
    We will!
[03:35] Ichi
    We won't.
[03:36] Oso
    We will!
[03:37] Ichi
    We won't.
[03:38] Oso
    We will!
[03:39] Oso
    Look at that stand over there!
SIGN    Big Winner! 600 million yen End of the Century Jumbo
SIGN    Ultra Winner! 1st prize: 100 million yen Cream Jumbo
SIGN    Big Winner! 1st prize: 300 million yen Year 200X Autumn Jumbo
[03:41] Oso
    Look at all those first prizes!
[03:43] Oso
    We'll definitely win!
[03:45] Ichi
    Everyone else might win, but I won't.
[03:48] Oso
    But you will!
[03:49] Ichi
    I won't. I know this.
[03:53] Oso
    Ichimatsu-chan!
[04:06] Kara
    Ichimatsu.
[04:09] Kara
    Ichimatsu, this way.
[04:13] Kara
    This way.
[04:15] Ichi
    Huh?
[04:23] Kara
    This way.
[04:28] Kara
    This way, this way.
[04:33] Kara
    This way.
[04:47] Kara
    There. Take a look at that.
SIGN    Lottery
SIGN    Lottery
SIGN    Big Winner
SIGN    Achieve your dreams!
SIGN    You'll win if you buy!!
[04:53] Kara
    What do you think of that stand?
[04:55] Ichi
    What's with that stand? It reeks of danger.
[04:58] Kara
    But that's why it's so interesting.
[05:00] Kara
    We might actually win if we buy from there.
[05:02] Ichi
    But it's dangerous.
[05:04] Kara
    We've got to take some risks
    if we want to strike it rich.
[05:09] Ichi
    We going?
[05:10] Ichi
    Let's go.
[05:13] Kara
    Excuse us!
[05:14] Ichi
    A lottery ticket, please!
[05:18] Both
    I knew it!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "New Year's Fest"
[05:30] Toto
    What the hell, Japan?
    What's wrong with you, Japan?
[05:33] Toto
    I managed to get through Christmas
    alone again this year!
[05:36] Toto
    I got through with my steel heart!
[05:38] Toto
    So why the hell are you
    guys living it up with this
[05:40] Toto
    New Year's Fest at the end of the year?
[05:43] Toto
    What the hell is a New Year's Fest?!
[05:44] Toto
    This is Japan! Have a quiet New Year's!
[05:47] Toto
    Just stay at home!
SIGN    New Year's Festival
    Party People
    Kaboom!
[05:49] Toto
    If I'm asked if I want to go to a
    New Year's Fest, this is what I'll say...
[05:53] Toto
    I do!
[05:54] Toto
    I'm super interested!
[05:56] Toto
    A New Year's Fest seems like so much fun!
[05:58] Toto
    Like hell, Japan! You dumbasses!
[06:01] Toto
    This isn't a sideshow!
[06:02] Toto
    I'm telling you to stay home
    at the end of the year! Got it?!
[06:05] Toto
    Have a wonderful New Year!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Pounding Mochi"
[07:11] Dayon
    Huh?
[07:13] Dayon
    Huh? Dekapan...
[07:16] Dayon
    Dekapan's gone...
SIGN    End
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Playing in the Snow"
[07:30] Chibita
    What the heck?
[07:32] Chibita
    Hey, what are you guys making? An igloo?
[07:39] Chibi
    How stupid.
[07:41] Chibi
    You're adults now. Quit playing
    in the snow, you idjits.
[07:54] Jyu
    We did it!
[07:57] Oso
    Yay!
[07:58] Jyu
    Yay!
[08:01] Chibi
    The hell?! You idjits!
[08:02] Chibi
    Damn it!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Playing in the Snow 2"
SIGN    End
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Kasa Jizou Statues"
[08:41] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[08:43] Iyami
    Me doesn't want to be poor!
[08:45] Iyami
    Me wants to eat mochi, drink alcohol,
    and be extravagant on New Year's Eve!
[08:49] Iyami
    Me is so sick of being poor!
[08:52] Hata
    Now, dear, don't worry, jo.
[08:55] Hata
    I made all of these straw
    hats this year, jo.
[08:58] Hata
    I'll sell them in town and make lots of money
    so we can have a fun New Year's, jo.
[09:05] Hata
    Jo.
[09:06] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[09:08] Hata
    Jo!
[09:11] Iyami
    Hurry up and go sell them!
[09:19] Hata
    Jo?
[09:22] Hata
    Jizou statues, jo! Thank you for all your
    hard work, even in this cold weather, jo.
[09:26] Hata
    Namu.
[09:39] Hata
    Jo?
[09:44] Hata
    Jo.
[09:47] Choro
    Hey, you should leave some
    of those straw hats for us.
[09:49] Oso
    If you leave some for us,
    I bet something good will happen.
[09:52] ichi
    Like we'd repay the debt.
[09:53] Jyushi
    It'd be a good deed.
[09:54] Oso
    Okay?
[09:54] Kara
    Haven't you heard this story before?
[09:58] Hata
    Jo...
[10:04] Hata
    Jo.
[10:14] Hata
    I did it, jo! Now the wife and I
    can have a fun New Year's, jo.
[10:19] Hata
    Jo?
[10:21] Kara
    That looks good. I'm starving.
[10:24] Choro
    I want some alcohol, too.
[10:26] Oso
    If you leave some for us,
    I bet something good will happen.
[10:28] Ichi
    Like we'd repay the debt.
[10:29] Jyushi
    It'll be a good deed.
[10:30] Choro
    Yup.
[10:31] Oso
    Okay?
[10:32] Oso
    Jo...
[10:32] Kara
    You left us those straw hats,
    so you can do this too, right?
[10:36] Hata
    Jo.
[10:44] Hata
    Jo!
[10:45] Hata
    Jo!
[10:48] Hata
    Jo? Jo, jo, jo...
[10:50] Hata
    Jo!
[10:57] Ichi
    How naïve. You know Jizou statues
    can read your thoughts, right?
[11:02] Oso
    Why don't you leave all that behind?
[11:03] Jyu
    While we're still asking nicely.
[11:05] Choro
    Well?
[11:07] Hata
    Jo!
[11:14] Kara
    It's no use running!
[11:16] Jyushi
    Jizou statues can read your mind!
[11:17] Hata
    Jo!
[11:19] Hata
    Jo...
[11:24] Hata
    Jo?!
[11:32] Hata
    Dear!
[11:33] Hata
    Jo!
[11:41] Hata
    I-I did something I shouldn't have, jo.
SIGN    End
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "New Year's Cards"
[12:07] Choro
    Hey, come on, you guys.
[12:10] Choro
    Write your New Year's cards.
[12:12] Choro
    I'm telling you to write
    your New Year's cards! Hey!
[12:14] Choro
    I didn't say draw a penis.
    Write your New Year's cards.
[12:17] Choro
    Don't draw Cerberus just because
    it's the Year of the Dog.
SIGN    Karamatsu
SIGN    To Matsuno Karamatsu-sama
[12:19] Choro
    Don't send yourself a New Year's card.
SIGN    Jyushimatsu Congrats
[12:23] Choro
    What's the recipient
    supposed to do with that?
[12:25] Choro
    Just write your damn New Year's cards!
[12:28] Choro
    Honestly, you guys are hopeless.
[12:31] Choro
    How can you be proper adults if you
    can't even write New Year's cards?
[12:35] Choro
    Hey!
[12:37] Oso
    What?! What is this?!
SIGN    Matsuno
SIGN    Have a great year!!
SIGN    Happy New Year. I was thankfully able to find a job!!
[12:40] Oso
    "Happy New Year. I was thankfully
    able to find a job!"
[12:45] Oso
    Huh?!
[12:46] Jyushi
    Hey! You're lying on your New Year's card!
[12:49] Ichi
    Don't exaggerate on your
    New Year's card, Choromatsu.
[12:51] Kara
    Don't exaggerate, Choromatsu!
[12:58] All
    Huh?
[13:02] All
    Wait, wait, wait, wait!
SIGN    Happy New Year. I was thankfully able to find a job!!
[13:04] All
    Wait, wait, wait, wait!
[13:05] Oso
    Choromatsu!
[13:06] Kara
    Choromatsu!
[13:11] Ichi
    No, no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait, wait!
[13:15] Jyushi
    Wait!
[13:16] Oso
    Seriously, you shouldn't send those!
[13:18] Oso
    You'll get called out in no time,
    and you'll end up in Hell!
[13:21] Kara
    It's way too risky! Okay?
[13:34] Oso
    Choromatsu!
[13:35] Kara
    Choromatsu!
SIGN    End
SIGN    A certain day in December
[13:44] Choro
    A certain day in December...
[13:47] Choro
    A single man stood on the river bank.
[13:47] Sign
    Narration:
    Matsuno Choromatsu
[13:51] Choro
    Matsuno Todomatsu.
SIGN    Former youngest
    Matsuno Family sextuplet
    Matsuno Todomatsu
SIGN    Yearly salary:
    0 yen (estimate)
[13:52] Choro
    Former youngest Matsuno Family sextuplet.
[13:55] Choro
    Just a few days ago,
    he was told he was fired.
[14:00] Choro
    His hoodie had no color, and there
    was nothing written or drawn on it.
[14:06] Choro
    What in the world could've happened to him?
[14:09] Choro
    Why did the Matsuno Family relieve
    him of being a sextuplet?
[14:12] Choro
    And what does the future hold for him?
[14:16] Choro
    We went to find out the whole story.
SIGN    Discharge Notice 2017 -The Youngest Brother Who Got Fired-
[14:23] Sign
    Why Right Before
    The 2nd Cour...
[14:24] Choro
    Matsuno Todomatsu joined the Matsuno
    Family as the youngest sextuplet.
[14:29] Choro
    He was sixth in the drafts.
[14:31] Choro
    With his cleverness, calculating ways,
    and his dry sense of humor,
[14:35] Choro
    this trueborn youngest brother's
    shittiness far exceeded the others'.
[14:38] Choro
    People expected great things from him.
[14:41] Todo
    I'm the youngest brother, Matsuno Todomatsu!
[14:43] Todo
    I love all of my big brothers!
[14:46] Todo
    I love all of you guys, too!
[14:49] Todo
    When he first debuted, he showed a steady
    annoyingness and did a great job.
[14:54] Choro
    His retorts were genius.
[14:56] Todo
    Why would you wear those here?
    It's embarrassing!
[14:59] Todo
    So embarrassing!
[15:00] Todo
    Why?!
[15:01] Todo
    I'm embarrassed by you guys.
[15:03] Todo
    What is this, a service area?!
[15:06] Todo
    Not to mention, that was a bit
    rude toward the Dayons, too.
[15:09] Todo
    Don't touch me. I'll do it.
[15:10] Todo
    Close, close, close, way too close!
[15:12] Todo
    Get your act together, Osomatsu!
[15:14] Todo
    Osomatsu!
[15:16] Choro
    However, lately...
[15:18] Choro
    Despite the fact that his number one
    characteristic as a Matsuno Family
[15:22] Choro
    sextuplet should be that he's a NEET virgin,
[15:23] Choro
    his unfavorable actions were
    starting to come to light.
[15:27] Choro
    On a summer beach,
    he was casually flirting with girls,
[15:31] Choro
    and asked them for their contact
    info without any hesitation.
[15:34] Choro
    He also attended mixers
    through unknown connections,
[15:37] Choro
    gained high-level skills for talking to girls
[15:39] Choro
    normally, even at close distance,
[15:41] Choro
    and to top it all off, he was
    going on dates with girls.
[15:45] Choro
    Could he possibly be called a virgin?
SIGN    Dry monster
SIGN    The Todomatsu problem What does he offer as a sextuplet? He's way too out of character He's lying
[15:47] Choro
    Is he actually a Matsuno sextuplet?
[15:48] Choro
    No, isn't he just a popular guy?
[15:52] Choro
    The decision from above came quickly.
[15:57] Mom
    You're being written out of the show next year.
[15:59] Todo
    Huh?
[16:00] Choro
    He received his discharge notice.
[16:07] Choro
    He became a freelance youngest brother.
SIGN    How do you feel about
    going freelance?
[16:12] Choro
    We asked him how he felt at the time.
[16:15] Todo
    Well, I have no idea what's going on.
[16:18] Todo
    Is this really happening to me?
[16:21] Todo
    But looking back, I do feel like I
    haven't contributed much this season.
[16:28] Todo
    All I really did was scrub my ass.
[16:31] Todo
    I can't let things end like this.
[16:33] Todo
    I believe I can still be
    the youngest sibling.
[16:36] Todo
    I mean, I'm pretty much the key for all
    of us to graduate from being virgins.
[16:41] Todo
    I'll just have to do this.
[16:42] Choro
    Matsuno Todomatsu was hoping to be
    reinstated as an active brother.
[16:46] Choro
    However, the Matsuno Family
    had already filled his place
[16:50] Choro
    with the helper foreigner
    youngest brother, Michaelmatsu.
SIGN    Helper foreigner
    youngest brother
    Michaelmatsu
[16:54] Choro
    This foreign helper youngest brother,
    Michael, did great work in the major leagues.
[16:59] Choro
    He had plenty of experience.
[17:03] Maiko
    Oh, come on, Osomatsu-niisan! What the heck?
[17:08] Choro
    Your retorts are super strong, Michaelmatsu.
[17:10] Jyushi
    Your retorts are so natural.
[17:12] Kara
    You're definitely from the
    major leagues, Mighty.
[17:20] Oso
    It's huge!
[17:20] Kara
    You're definitely from the
    major leagues, Mighty!
[17:26] Bros
    Mighty! Mighty!
SIGN    Michaelmatsu
SIGN    The helper youngest brother does great work!!
[17:32] Choro
    And so, Matsuno Todomatsu had
    to wager on his last chance.
[17:36] Choro
    He started training at the Matsuno Family
SIGN    Matsuno Family secondary team training grounds
[17:38] Choro
    secondary team training grounds.
[17:47] Choro
    And then...
[17:50] Todo
    Hey! Guys!
[17:53] Todo
    What the heck is up with this discharge
    notice? I don't get it at all.
[17:59] Todo
    I mean, we were doing fine
    together up until last week.
[18:02] Todo
    We were all getting along, right?
    What the heck happened?
[18:06] Todo
    Wait, wait, wait!
[18:07] Todo
    Hey! Hey!
[18:08] Todo
    Why are you ignoring me?
[18:09] Ichi
    Sorry. We don't know you anymore.
[18:12] Todo
    Huh?
[18:13] Jyushi
    We live in totally different worlds now.
[18:16] Choro
    I mean, you've already graduated
    from being a virgin, right?
[18:19] Todo
    No, I haven't.
[18:21] Oso
    You're casually screwing
    all the time, aren't you?
[18:23] Todo
    I'm not.
[18:23] Kara
    Plus you're one of those party people.
[18:24] Todo
    Wait, who is?
[18:25] Oso
    Just be honest.
[18:26] Oso
    You've kissed someone, haven't you?
[18:27] Todo
    I haven't.
[18:28] Oso
    Then what about holding hands?
[18:33] Oso
    He totally shut up!
[18:34] Kara
    Jesus!
[18:35] Jyushi
    Discharge! Discharge!
[18:36] Choro
    Moron!
[18:38] Choro
    Thus, as he was told off by his brothers,
    Matsuno Todomatsu knew he was
[18:43] Choro
    in the wrong and completely shut up.
[18:45] Choro
    Everything his brothers had
    said was in the right!
[18:48] Choro
    Hear that, you dumbass?!
SIGN    Day of the Tryouts
[18:50] Choro
    And then the fateful day arrived...
SIGN    2018
    Joint Anime
    Tryouts
[18:53] Choro
    Characters who had been
    discharged from various anime
[18:56] Choro
    gathered at the Joint Anime
    Tryouts for the chance at
[18:58] Choro
    being chosen for a regular show next season.
[19:01] Choro
    They would show off their abilities
    in front of industry professionals
[19:05] Choro
    for this final chance at
    getting into an anime.
[19:09] Choro
    However...
[19:14] Ump
    Strike!
[19:15] Choro
    Matsuno Todomatsu wasn't hitting.
[19:18] Ump
    Strike!
[19:19] Choro
    He wouldn't hit.
[19:20] Ump
    Strike three, you're out!
[19:22] Choro
    He had zero intention of hitting the ball.
[19:25] Choro
    And then, on his final turn at bat,
    an incident occurred...
[19:42] Ump
    Wh-What are you doing?
[19:44] Todo
    Shut up, dumbass!
[19:46] Todo
    What do you mean, discharge notice?!
[19:48] Todo
    Why am I playing baseball?!
[19:50] Todo
    What the hell have you guys been
    making me do all this time?!
[19:53] Choro
    Then all hell broke loose at the tryouts,
    like no one had ever seen before.
[20:02] Oso
    C-Calm down!
[20:04] ---
    Todoma—
[20:05] Jyushi
    Totty, wai— Boeh!
[20:11] Kara
    Once he snaps, he's the most dangerous.
[20:13] Kara
    You know, the type that's usually calm,
    but gets stubborn when they get mad.
[20:18] Kara
    They're so scary.
[20:27] Choro
    Those who passed the tryouts would
    be getting a call within the week.
[20:33] Choro
    But since he caused a huge fight,
    of course he didn't hear from them.
[20:37] Choro
    Just when he had given up all hope...
SIGN    Unknown
[20:43] Todo
    H-Hello? This is Matsuno Todomatsu...
[20:47] Todo
    Huh?
[20:49] Choro
    The one who gave him the
    offer was an anime program
[20:51] Choro
    who belonged to the major
    league-affiliated 2A.
[20:57] Todo
    I'll become the greatest youngest
    brother and come back.
[21:00] Todo
    I'll have all kinds of mixers in America,
    immediately graduate from being a virgin,
[21:05] Todo
    and then kill them.
[21:08] Choro
    Matsuno Todomatsu... His second life
    being the youngest brother...
[21:12] Todo
    I'll kill them.
[21:13] Choro
    ...was just beginning.
[22:49] Oso
    What? Seriously?
[22:51] Oso
    The foreign helper youngest brother
    Michaelmatsu went back to Florida?
[22:55] Choro
    Why'd he go back?
[22:57] Dad
    Apparently he just couldn't
    stomach Japanese food.
[23:00] Mom
    Also, it seems he got a message from God.
[23:03] Choro
    What the hell kind of reason is that?
[23:05] Kara
    This is the problem with foreign helpers.
[23:08] Ichi
    Who scouted him, anyway?
[23:10] Dad
    Which means Todomatsu is coming back.
[23:14] Ichi
    Well, I guess that's for the best.
[23:17] Jyushi
    Yeah, that'd be the most peaceful option.
[23:24] Totty
    Hey!
[23:27] All
    Totty!
[23:28] Totty
    I'm killing all of you!
[23:31] Totty
    You guys are finished this year!
[23:34] All
    Totty!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
[23:39] Choro
    This is Choromatsu.
[23:40] Choro
    Next year, I'll finally get a job,
    get a girlfriend, and even get married!
[23:45] Choro
    No, really. I'm not lying.
[23:48] Choro
    I'm telling the truth here.
SIGN    "The Choromatsu Incident" etc.
[23:49] Choro
    I'm not lying! I can do this!
[23:51] Choro
    I'm going to! I want to!

E14 - The Choromatsu Incident

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:09] Girl
    No! Let go of me!
[00:11] Popo
    Come with me.
[00:12] Girl
    Don't touch me! Let go!
[00:14] Popo
    You're a minor.
[00:16] Popo
    Honestly, what are you thinking
    on Coming-of-Age Day?
[00:18] Popo2
    You, there.
[00:20] Popo2
    I need you to come with us, too.
[00:22] Popo2
    You knew she was a minor, didn't you?
[00:24] Sane
    Huh? Uh, well, she said she
    didn't have anywhere to go...
[00:30] Popo2
    Could you tell me your name?
[00:32] Sane
    Huh? U-Uh...
[00:35] Popo2
    Tell me your name!
[00:38] Sane
    I-It's... Sanematsu.
SIGN    
    Weekly Drama Serial
    Sanematsu-san
SIGN    Episode 9
[01:28] mom
    Hello, this is your mother.
SIGN    [Playing]
SIGN    Mom
[01:31] Mom
    How are you doing lately? I've been worried.
[01:35] Mom
    Please give me a call.
[01:39] Boss
    Sanematsu-kun, listen.
SIGN    Dekoboko Commercial Agency
[01:42] Boss
    As I always tell you, I'm not
    asking you to actually be useful.
[01:45] Boss
    But could you not hold everyone else back?
[01:50] Kaoru
    Sanematsu-san, why do you put up this wall?
SIGN    No smoking in the office
[01:55] Kaoru
    I just want to talk to you honestly.
[01:57] Guy
    Don't you know, Kaoruko-chan?
[01:59] Guy
    Sanematsu-senpai is only interested
    in innocent little girls.
[02:03] Guy
    Right, Senpai?
[02:11] Guy 1
    All right, lunch time!
[02:13] Guy 2
    Where should we go today?
[02:14] Kaoru
    So you do get hungry.
[02:39] Oso
    Sanematsu.
[02:42] Oso
    Sanematsu, hey.
[02:52] Sane
    Huh?
[02:54] Oso
    What's wrong? Still dreaming?
[02:58] Sane
    Huh? Um...
[03:00] Oso
    Come on. Let's eat some watermelon.
[03:03] Oso
    It's so hot today!
[03:04] Ichi
    Yeah, just a little more to the left.
[03:06] Ichi
    Now a little right.
[03:08] Jyushi
    Right, right!
[03:10] Jyu
    Oh, right there!
[03:11] Kara
    All right... This is it!
[03:13] All
    So close!
[03:14] All
    You missed!
[03:15] Ichi
    All right, time to switch, Karamatsu-niisan.
[03:18] Kara
    No, no! I get one more!
[03:19] Choro
    I'm up next.
[03:21] Jyu
    Me, too!
[03:21] Todo
    It's me!
[03:22] Oso
    Hey, stop fighting, you guys!
[03:25] Oso
    Ichimatsu hasn't gotten a chance yet.
[03:27] Oso
    Let him try.
[03:28] Kara
    Tch. Fine, Osomatsu-niisan.
[03:31] Kara
    Sorry, Ichimatsu.
[03:33] Ichi
    Thanks.
[03:37] Six
    Yay!
[03:39] Todo
    You did it, Ichimatsu-niisan!
[03:41] Oso
    All right, let's eat!
[03:42] Jyu
    Let's eat! Let's eat!
[03:45] Six
    So good!
[03:46] Six
    This is the best!
[03:47] Six
    It's so good!
[03:50] Todo
    What's the matter, Sanematsu-niisan?
    You're not going to eat?
[03:52] Sane
    Huh?
[03:54] Choro
    If you don't want it, I'll eat it.
[03:56] Oso
    Come on, Choromatsu.
[03:58] Choro
    Aw, come on.
[03:59] Sane
    At first, I had no idea what was going on.
[03:59] Jyu
    I want some, too.
[04:01] Oso
    Honestly, you guys.
[04:08] Oso
    Here we go!
[04:09] Oso
    Ready, and...
[04:20] Sane
    But as time went on...
[04:23] Sane
    I stopped doubting it anymore.
[04:27] Sane
    I was born in this family,
    grew up in this family,
[04:33] Sane
    and always lived together
    with these brothers.
[04:39] Sane
    Yeah... That's right.
[04:43] Sane
    Why had I forgotten?
SIGN    Akatsuka Bathhouse
[04:47] Sane
    I might've just been having
    a nightmare this whole time.
[04:56] Sane
    But everything's okay now.
SIGN    A Few Weeks Later
[05:14] Sane
    Hey, guys.
[05:17] Sane
    I came up with a great idea!
[05:21] Sane
    Wh-What's wrong?
[05:22] Todo
    Huh? Uh, so what's up, Sanematsu-niisan?
[05:26] Sane
    Why don't we go on a trip?
    All of us, for a week or so?
[05:32] Jyu
    That'll never work.
[05:33] Sane
    Huh? But I wanna.
[05:35] Jyu
    Even if we wanted to,
    we don't have the time or money.
[05:38] Choro
    Jyushimatsu.
[05:42] Choro
    All right, Sanematsu.
    Why don't we go to the beach?
[05:45] Sane
    Yeah, let's go!
[05:47] Sane
    What about you, Osomatsu-niisan?
[05:49] Oso
    Let's go.
[05:50] Sane
    And you, Karamatsu-niisan?
[05:51] Kara
    Sure, let's go.
[05:52] Sane
    And you, Ichimatsu?
[05:53] Ichi
    Okay.
[05:54] Sane
    Jyushimatsu?
[05:55] Jyu
    Well, I guess...
[05:57] Sane
    Todomatsu?
[05:58] Todo
    Yeah, sure.
[05:59] Sane
    All right! We're all going to the beach!
[06:02] Sane
    I'm gonna go get ready!
[06:14] Sane
    Wait up!
[06:16] Oso
    Here we go!
[06:18] Sane
    Got it!
[06:22] Some
    What the heck?
[06:24] Both
    Ready... go!
[06:30] Both
    Goal!
[06:32] Sane
    We tied.
[06:33] Jyu
    Yeah.
[06:57] Sane
    Osomatsu-niisan.
[06:58] Oso
    Oh, there you are.
[07:00] Sane
    What's up?
[07:02] Oso
    Have a seat.
[07:04] Sane
    Okay.
[07:08] Oso
    Hey, Sanematsu.
[07:11] Oso
    You've been laughing a lot more lately.
[07:15] Oso
    I'm relieved.
[07:17] Oso
    You know, you seemed so depressed because
    you've been through so much lately.
[07:22] Sane
    Yeah...
[07:26] Sane
    But I'm okay now.
    I'm having so much fun now.
[07:30] Sane
    I have all of you guys. No more hardships.
[07:34] Sane
    I hope this goes on forever.
[07:40] Oso
    But... it can't.
[07:43] Sane
    Huh?
[07:45] Sane
    It can't? What do you mean?
[07:48] Oso
    Don't make me say it.
[07:52] Oso
    You should know better than anyone else.
[08:01] Sane
    Yeah... You're right.
[08:08] Sane
    This was so much fun!
[08:09] Oso
    Yeah, it was.
[08:24] Sane
    It was.
[08:28] Oso
    Yeah.
[08:38] Guy
    Hey...
[08:43] Kaoru
    It can't be...
[08:45] Kaoru
    Sanematsu-san?
[08:49] Kaoru
    No!
SIGN    
    End
SIGN    General Hospital
SIGN    Next Episode Preview
[08:59] nar
    Next time on "Sanematsu-san"...
[09:04] nar
    Osomatsu examines, Karamatsu touches,
    and Jyushimatsu makes the rounds.
[09:11] Nar
    Next time: "Sanematsu Dies." Look forward to it.
SIGN    
    Episode 10: Sanematsu Dies
[09:18] Nar
    Unidentified mysterious animals,
    otherwise known as UMA.
[09:21] Nar
    The mysterious world of the occult
    is filled with passion and dreams.
[09:26] Nar
    This is the passionate tale
    of adventure of the men
[09:29] Nar
    who were enchanted by its mysticism!
[09:32] Iyami
    Iyami...
[09:33] Hata
    Hatabou...
[09:34] Jyu
    And Jyushimatsu's...
[09:36] All
    ...UMA Expedition Team! Doo-wah!
SIGN    UMA Expedition Team
[09:42] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[09:44] Iyami
    You two!
[09:45] Iyami
    You cannot underestimate the UMA!
[09:48] Iyami
    They're dangerous and scary!
[09:50] Iyami
    Let your guard down at all
    and U-MAy lose your lives!
[09:56] Hata
    For my father...
[09:56] Jyu
    Yay!
[09:58] Iyami
    Hey! Listen to me!
[10:01] Iyami
    Fall in!
[10:06] Iyami
    Listen up! Our target this time is this UMA!
[10:10] Iyami
    The Super Mongolian Death Worm!
[10:13] Jyu
    Ah.
[10:14] Hata
    Jo.
[10:15] Iyami
    It's huge! It's strong!
[10:17] Iyami
    Face it head-on, and no number of
    lives will be enough to save you!
[10:20] Iyami
    It's truly terrifying!
[10:22] Iyami
    We're going to...
[10:23] Hata
    Want a wiener?
[10:25] Jyu
    Heck yeah!
[10:27] Iyami
    Hey! Fall in!
[10:35] Jyu
    Director, you got a minute?
[10:39] Iyami
    Me is not your director. Me is your captain.
[10:41] Jyu
    How are we going to catch
    this dangerous thing?
[10:45] Iyami
    We're going to use these!
[10:47] Jyu
    Wow!
[10:48] Hata
    Jo!
[10:51] Iyami
    No matter how dangerous UMAs are,
    they're no match for humanity.
[10:58] Hata
    Jo.
[11:00] Iyami
    Hey!
[11:11] Hata
    This could kill someone, jo.
[11:13] Jyu
    Pew.
[11:13] Hata
    Jo, jo, jo.
[11:16] Iyami
    What's that?
[11:22] Hata
    Jo?
[11:23] Iyami
    Th-That's...
[11:31] Iyami
    Th-The Super Mongolian Death Worm!
[11:35] Jyu
    D-Director!
[11:37] Jo
    Jo!
[11:38] Iyami
    Have no fear!
[11:39] Iyami
    We're safe at this distance.
[11:42] Iyami
    Behold, UMA! This is the power of humanity!
[11:51] Iyami
    Sh-Sheeeh!
[11:52] Jyu
    What is this attack?
[11:53] Hata
    We didn't hear about this!
[11:55] Iyami
    Sh-Sh-Sheeeh...
SIGN    
    To Be Continued
SIGN    
    "The Choromatsu Incident"
SIGN    New Year Combo
[13:35] Choro
    Well, I can imagine what
    you guys want to say.
[13:39] Choro
    I'm the most responsible
    and capable of us brothers.
[13:42] Choro
    I'm supposed to set the example.
[13:44] Choro
    You're probably wondering what
    happened since the new year.
[13:48] Choro
    You might even worry and think
    I've become a delinquent.
[13:52] Choro
    But no matter how serious
    I am, I'm still human.
[13:56] Choro
    Even I have the desire to
    be popular and be cool.
[14:01] Choro
    So, for once, I followed my desire
    and decided to look cool.
[14:06] Choro
    It's the new year, so I thought it'd
    be the perfect time to make my debut.
[14:10] Choro
    This is your new Choromatsu-niisan in 2018!
[14:16] Choro
    What's wrong? What's with those faces?
[14:19] Choro
    Oh, are you guys actually jealous?
[14:22] Choro
    I see. Sorry about that.
[14:24] Choro
    I went ahead and became the cool one.
[14:26] Choro
    Yeah, it's not fair for me to get
    ahead of you guys. My bad.
[14:32] Choro
    Hey, you guys haven't said a word.
[14:35] Choro
    What's wrong?
[14:36] Choro
    Well, whatever. As I was saying...
[14:38] Choro
    I just don't want you guys to worry.
[14:40] Choro
    I may have brown hair now, but I'm
    still the same Choromatsu inside.
[14:44] Choro
    I'm not a delinquent.
[14:45] Choro
    I'm going to continue being the responsible,
    reliable brother that guides you.
[14:49] Choro
    Don't worry.
[14:50] Choro
    That's why I had the three
    of you gather here today.
[14:54] Choro
    Well, let's go.
[14:55] Todo
    W-W-Wait! Wait!
[14:56] Choro
    Huh? What?
[14:58] Todo
    Sit down.
[15:01] Choro
    What? What's wrong?
[15:03] Todo
    Well, uh...
[15:06] Choro
    I told you not to worry.
[15:09] Choro
    I just have brown hair now.
    I'm still the same guy inside.
[15:12] Choro
    I'm not a delinquent.
[15:13] Ichi
    Yeah, don't worry. We got that.
[15:17] Ichi
    That's not it...
[15:18] Choro
    It's not?
[15:20] Todo
    It's not that...
[15:22] Todo
    It's just...
[15:23] Ichi
    ...simply put...
[15:24] Jyushi
    ...that hair color...
[15:26] Three
    ...doesn't look good on you at all!
[15:29] Todo
    What the hell?! Is he stupid?!
[15:31] Todo
    Nothing hurts more than seeing
    someone so clueless try to be cool!
[15:34] Ichi
    Well said, Todomatsu.
[15:35] Ichi
    Now say those exact words
    to that idiot over there.
[15:37] Todo
    How can I? Look at that face!
[15:40] Todo
    He doesn't think he's made a mistake at all!
[15:42] Todo
    He still thinks dying your hair
    makes you cool in this day and age!
[15:45] Todo
    What kind of harassment is this?!
[15:46] Todo
    Lame harassment? Pain harassment?! What?!
[15:49] Jyu
    Want me to tell him, then?
[15:51] Ichi
    Stay out of it, Jyushimatsu.
[15:52] Ichi
    You're just going to complicate things.
[15:55] Jyu
    True.
[15:57] Choro
    Hey.
[15:59] Choro
    If you have something to say to me, say it.
[16:00] Choro
    That's why I brought you here.
[16:05] Todo
    Okay, Choromatsu-niisan.
[16:08] Todo
    I'll go ahead and say it.
[16:11] Todo
    So... To be honest,
    that brown hair of yours...
[16:14] Ichi
    Hold it, Todomatsu!
[16:17] Ichi
    Could I...
[16:19] Ichi
    go get a refill at the drink bar first?
[16:21] Jyu
    Same.
[16:22] Todo
    No.
[16:24] Jyu
    We can't? But it's free refills...
[16:27] Todo
    No. I'm going to tell him,
    so you two stay right there.
[16:35] Todo
    Okay!
[16:36] Todo
    I'm going to get a refill first.
[16:40] Jyu
    What? Are you serious, Totty?
[16:43] Todo
    Yeah, I'm going to tell him.
[16:44] Ichi
    Will you be all right?
[16:45] Todo
    What do you mean?
[16:46] Ichi
    Well, you saw it. His "I won't
    let anyone get me down" aura.
[16:51] Ichi
    Him telling us we can tell him
    anything is a total façade.
[16:54] Ichi
    If we trigger him,
    he might start punching us.
[16:57] Todo
    Well, I'm going to tell him.
[16:59] Todo
    I mean, come on. I don't want
    Choromatsu-niisan to go down the wrong path.
[17:04] Todo
    I don't care if he punches me,
    if it means he'll change that lame hair of his.
[17:08] Jyu
    He's so nice.
[17:10] Ichi
    So kind.
[17:13] Todo
    Okay, Choromatsu-niisan. I'm going to
    get back on the subject, so listen up.
[17:17] Todo
    Apparently Ichimatsu-niisan has something
    to say about you dyeing your hair,
[17:21] Todo
    so listen close.
[17:23] Ichi
    You dirty little—
[17:26] Ichi
    Uh... What's with that face?
[17:28] Ichi
    What kind of emotion is that?
[17:30] Choro
    What is it, Ichimatsu?
[17:32] Choro
    What did you want to say?
[17:33] Ichi
    Huh? Well, uh...
[17:36] Ichi
    I-It's not really something I want to say...
[17:42] Ichi
    U-Um... About your hair...
[17:51] Ichi
    It looks great on you! Nice!
[17:54] Choro
    Thanks!
[17:57] Todo
    The hell?! You're so useless, Darkmatsu!
[17:59] Jyu
    He's not dark at all! He's just a coward!
[18:01] Ichi
    Then you guys tell him!
[18:03] Choro
    Huh? What's wrong?
[18:05] Choro
    Wh-Why are you hitting each other?
[18:07] Todo
    Okay, let's hold off on
    this problem for now.
[18:11] Jyu
    Yeah.
[18:12] Ichi
    Why don't we write a letter?
    I don't think we can tell him to his face.
[18:15] All
    Yeah.
[18:17] Oso
    Huh?
[18:18] Oso
    Oh, you guys are here.
[18:20] Choro
    Oh, hey, guys. What a coincidence.
[18:23] Oso
    What the?! What the heck
    did you do to your hair?
[18:25] Choro
    Huh?
[18:26] Oso
    It looks awful on you! Are you stupid?
[18:28] Oso
    You look like shit! What's wrong with you?
[18:31] Jyu
    He just said it.
[18:32] Ichi
    He's completely tactless!
[18:34] Todo
    He hasn't changed at all in the new year!
[18:38] Oso
    Seriously, what's with this hair?
    It looks so stupid!
[18:42] Kara
    No, this can't be right, Osomatsu.
[18:44] Oso
    Huh?
[18:45] Kara
    There's no way he did that on his own.
    He must've lost some bet or something.
[18:49] Oso
    Lost a bet?
[18:51] Kara
    I'm right, aren't I? You guys put
    Choromatsu up to this, didn't you?
[18:54] Three
    Huh?
[18:55] Kara
    Otherwise, why would he willingly
    do that to his hair?
[18:58] Kara
    There's no way someone as responsible as
[19:00] Kara
    Choromatsu would dye his hair such a lame,
    shitty brown color on his own.
[19:03] Kara
    If he did this of his own free will,
    he's clearly lost his mind.
[19:07] Kara
    He'd barely be a living organism.
[19:10] Kara
    But Choromatsu's not like that.
[19:13] Kara
    Hey, you guys! You've gone too far!
[19:14] Kara
    You need to apologize to Choromatsu for
    making him get this crazy hair color!
[19:18] Three
    You need to apologize!
[19:20] Todo**
    In the end, you're the
    one who hurt him most!
[19:22] Ichi
    It's even worse because
    he's trying to be nice!
[19:26] Todo
    Hey, what are you guys doing here?
[19:28] Oso
    Totoko-chan, look at his hair!
[19:31] Toto
    Huh? What's with your hair?
[19:33] Toto
    You look so lame, Choromatsu-kun!
[19:35] Toto
    I can totally tell you tried to look
    cool simply by dying your hair brown!
[19:39] Toto
    How scary!
[19:40] Oso
    That's not it, Totoko-chan.
    Apparently these three put him up to it.
[19:45] Oso
    Isn't that mean?
[19:46] Toto
    Huh? Yeah, that's pretty awful.
[19:48] Toto
    I'd probably die if it were me.
[19:51] Toto
    Choromatsu-kun, are you okay?
[19:55] Todo
    Please, just stop!
[19:57] Ichi
    Fappymatsu's life is already at zero!
[19:59] Jyu
    Nii-san!
[20:02] All
    Huh?
[20:03] Choro
    You're right, Osomatsu-niisan,
    Karamatsu-niisan, Totoko-chan!
[20:08] Choro
    They're so mean! They made
    me dye my hair like this!
[20:12] All
    What?!
[20:13] Todo
    He shifted the blame!
[20:14] Jyu
    Seriously?!
[20:15] Ichi
    Self-Awarenessmatsu's defense
    mechanisms are insane!
[20:18] Choro
    They totally forced me to dye
    my hair this lame color!
[20:21] Choro
    It doesn't look good on me at all...
[20:24] Choro
    So lame! I look awful!
[20:27] Kara
    Are you all right, Choromatsu?
[20:29] Toto
    Choromatsu-kun?
[20:30] Oso
    Are you in that much shock?
[20:32] Choro
    Of course I'm shocked, you dumbass!
[20:34] Choro
    I'm gonna die! This hair color is so weird!
[20:36] Choro
    I'm gonna die! It's so damn lame!
[20:38] Choro
    Why is my year starting like this?!
    I'm gonna die!
[20:40] Kara
    Choromatsu!
[20:42] Toto
    Choromatsu-kun!
[20:43] Oso
    Hey, Choromatsu!
[20:48] Oso
    Hey, do you guys actually
    realize what you've done?
[20:52] Oso
    Look at him! Choromatsu's completely broken.
[20:55] Choro
    It wasn't supposed to be like this.
[20:58] Kara
    He won't stop mumbling.
[20:58] Choro
    I might be better off dead...
[21:01] Kara
    He might die at this rate.
[21:03] Oso
    Come on, guys, apologize.
[21:06] Oso
    You guys did this to him, right? Go on.
[21:12] Todo
    S-Sorry...
[21:14] Ichi
    Sorry.
[21:15] Todo
    We went a bit too far.
[21:18] Ichi
    We'll never force him to dye his hair again.
[21:20] Jyu
    We're sorry.
[21:23] Oso
    All right, let's go to the bathhouse.
[21:25] Kara
    Jeez. We can't take our eyes off them
    for even a second, Osomatsu.
[21:30] Kara
    Let's continue to guide them
    as the two top brothers.
[21:34] Oso
    Yeah. Pleasure working with you, Karamatsu.
[21:36] Kara
    Back at you.
[21:55] Choro
    I'm so sorry!
SIGN    
    End
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
[23:34] Oso
    Hey, it's Osomatsu!
[23:35] Oso
    Next week, it's going to be
    "Jar," "Taxi," and "Quiz."
[23:39] Oso
    Those three!
[23:40] Oso
    What do you guys think about that lineup?
[23:43] Oso
    Yeah, pretty stupid, right?
[23:45] Oso
    I mean, it usually is.
[23:47] Oso
    Even though the cast are all adults.
SIGN    "Jar" "Karamatsu Taxi" "Totty Quiz" etc.
[23:49] Oso
    I feel bad, too.

E15 - Jar / Karamatsu Taxi / Totty Quiz

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:06] Nar
    Unidentified mysterious animals,
    otherwise known as UMA.
[00:09] Nar
    The mysterious world of the occult
    is filled with passion and dreams.
[00:13] Nar
    This is the passionate tale of
    adventure of the men who were
[00:16] Nar
    enchanted by its mysticism!
[00:19] Iyami
    Iyami...
[00:20] Hata
    Hatabou...
[00:21] Jyu
    And Jyushimatsu's...
[00:23] All
    ...UMA Expedition Team! Doo-wah!
SIGN    UMA Expedition Team
[00:29] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[00:31] Iyami
    You two!
[00:32] Iyami
    Listen up! Our target this time is this!
[00:35] Iyami
    Chupacabra Deluxe!
[00:37] Hata
    Jo...
[00:39] Iyami
    It's a vampiric monster that sucks
    the blood of living creatures.
[00:41] Iyami
    If you ever encounter one,
    consider yourself dead.
[00:44] Jyushi
    Director!
[00:45] Iyami
    Me is not your director. Me is your captain.
[00:47] Jyu
    How are we going to catch
    this dangerous thing?
[00:51] Iya
    Leave it to me.
[00:54] Iya
    Sheeeh...
[00:58] Iya
    Me is truly a genius. Now they won't
    be suspicious of us or attack us.
[01:05] Iya
    Hey.
[01:11] Iya
    Hey.
[01:14] Iya
    Hey.
[01:17] Iya
    Hey.
[01:26] Iya
    Would you two be quiet?!
[01:45] Hata
    Jo?
[01:59] ---
    Jo?
[02:02] Iya
    Everything's fine.
[02:06] Iya
    Sheeeh!
[02:07] Jyushi
    Director?!
[02:08] Hata
    Jo!
[02:09] Iyami
    C-Calm down! They haven't figured us out!
[02:12] Iyami
    That's why they haven't attacked!
[02:14] Hata
    Jo?
[02:14] Iyami
    Act like a Chupacabra!
[02:17] Jyu
    Chu...
[02:18] Hata
    Jo...
[02:23] All
    Chu...
[02:33] Jyu
    They were onto us, after all...
[02:34] Hata
    Chu...
[02:35] Iyami
    Sheeeh...
SIGN    To Be Continued
SIGN    "Jar"
SIGN    Skyfish
    Yakisoba
SIGN    Chupacabra
    Udon
SIGN    Death Worm
    Ramen
    It's Delicious?!
SIGN    Gohandesuyon!
SIGN    Open
[04:46] Ichi
    I'm definitely turning it the right way...
[04:58] Oso
    Can't get it open, Ichimacchan?
[05:02] Oso
    Want me to help? You know,
    your reliable older brother?
[05:07] Oso
    Oh, no, no. You're never going
    to get it open like that.
[05:13] Oso
    Hey, hey, hey, hey!
[05:14] Oso
    What the heck are you doing, Ichimacchan?
[05:16] Oso
    The worst part of you is showing right now.
[05:20] Oso
    You can't just use brute strength on these.
SIGN    Here
[05:23] Oso
    You have to apply force here at
    the right moment, and go, "Hup!"
SIGN    Hup
[05:27] Oso
    Here I go.
[05:28] Oso
    First, you relax, and...
[05:32] Oso
    Huh?
[05:48] Oso
    What the hell is this?!
[05:49] Oso
    It won't open!
[05:53] Oso
    It won't open! It just won't open!
[06:01] Oso
    It won't open.
[06:04] Kara
    You pathetic string bean boys. Hand it over.
[06:08] Kara
    Watch and learn. This is how you open jars.
[06:25] Kara
    What the hell is this?!
[06:33] Kara
    See? Now you know.
[06:37] Kara
    This jar was never meant
    to open in the first place.
[06:41] Jyu
    That's not gonna work.
[06:44] Jyu
    The jar's figured out that
    you want to open it.
[06:47] Jyu
    Of course it won't open. You have
    to be more sneaky about it.
[06:52] Jyu
    First, you have to act like you
    have no interest in the jar.
[06:55] Jyu
    We don't care about that jar at all.
[06:58] Jyu
    Act like you don't care
    if it ever opens at all.
[07:05] Jyu
    And when its guard is down...
[07:10] Kara
    Go, Jyushimatsu!
[07:11] Oso
    Give it your best!
[07:12] Ichi
    It'll open!
[07:13] Oso
    You can do it!
[07:22] Jyu
    Fire!
[07:26] Jyu
    Yeah, this one's not meant to open.
[07:29] Choro
    Why are you guys wasting so much time?
[07:32] Choro
    Honestly. I can't believe you
    adults are screaming over a jar.
[07:37] Choro
    Don't you guys have anything better to do?
[07:40] Choro
    Aren't you embarrassed? Really, now.
[07:49] Oso
    What's with the hand?
[07:51] Choro
    Give it.
[07:51] Oso
    I'm sorry, what?
[07:53] Choro
    Hand over the jar. I'll give it a try.
[07:57] Oso
    No, really, it's okay.
[08:00] Oso
    No, no, no.
[08:02] Oso
    It's fine. What's your problem?
[08:04] Oso
    What the heck? We're just
    wasting time, right?
[08:06] Oso
    Adults shouldn't be crying over this, right?
[08:09] Oso
    You wanted to try,
    didn't you? Then just say so!
[08:14] Todo
    Just pour hot water over it.
SIGN    M! Answers
[08:17] Todo
    You just have to heat it up a little.
    Then it'll open easily.
[08:23] Todo
    Huh?
[08:24] Oso
    Todomatsu, did you really
    have to say that right now?
[08:27] Oso
    Everyone knows you just have to warm it up.
[08:29] Oso
    But we're all trying so hard because
    we feel like we lose if we do that.
[08:34] Kara
    Oh, Todomatsu.
[08:36] Ichi
    Todomatsu...
[08:37] Jyu
    Todomatsu.
[08:38] Choro
    Todomatsu!
[08:41] Todo
    What? Uh, I guess I'm sorry?
[08:45] Oso
    All right, let's work together.
[08:47] Oso
    We forgot the most important thing here.
[08:50] Oso
    This is when the six of us are supposed
    to join forces and do our best!
[08:53] Oso
    Let's go!
[08:54] All
    Yeah!
SIGN    Gohandesuyon!
[09:03] Oso
    Sorry!
[09:08] Kara
    Choromatsu!
[09:10] Jyu
    Final Fart Rush!
[09:13] Todo
    There!
[09:16] Oso
    Totty!
[09:18] Choro
    How about this?!
[09:24] Choro
    Guys!
[09:25] Jyu
    Final Fart Rush!
[09:45] Oso
    Wh-What the hell's wrong with this jar?
[09:48] Choro
    It won't open, no matter what we do.
[09:50] Ichi
    Th-Thanks, guys, but that's enough.
[10:00] All
    M-Mom...
[10:07] Mom
    O earth... O water...
[10:10] Mom
    Give me strength!
[10:17] Mom
    Jar... open!
[10:26] Oso
    Wait, that's how you're
    supposed to open it?!
[10:29] Choro
    There's no way we'd know that!
    You never taught us that!
[10:38] Ichi
    Huh? Mom?
[10:52] Mom
    Yeah, it's not meant to be opened.
[10:55] All
    What?
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Karamatsu Taxi"
[11:02] Toto
    This isn't good. I don't have much time.
[11:05] Toto
    I'll be late to the appointment.
SIGN    Akatsuka
[11:11] Toto
    Oh, thank goodness. I'm saved!
[11:15] Toto
    Excuse me, could you go to this place
    called Oplex that's located on
[11:19] Toto
    the other side of a tanning
    salon in Roppongi 6-chome?
[11:22] Toto
    It's a little hard to find, so I'll let
    you know when we're nearby.
[11:27] Kara
    Miss.
[11:39] Toto
    Uh, I don't have much time,
    so could you turn around faster?
[11:45] Toto
    You turn way too slowly!
    You're wasting my time!
[11:49] Kara
    Oplex? Understood.
[11:52] Toto
    I don't have time!
[11:53] Kara
    Ignition.
[12:02] Toto
    Um, by the way,
[12:05] Toto
    do you actually know what Oplex is?
[12:08] Toto
    It's not really well known.
[12:10] Kara
    But of course. I'm a taxi driver.
[12:15] Toto
    So cool!
[12:17] Kara
    Ignition.
[12:19] Toto
    They usually ask for the
    address for the navigation.
[12:23] Kara
    Oh, I won't be using the navigation.
SIGN    Safe
SIGN    Take a free
[12:25] Kara
    I'd be a loser if I used it.
[12:29] Toto
    So cool!
[12:31] Kara
    Ignition.
[12:32] Kara
    Oh, here, we'll use a secret path-tion.
[12:36] Toto
    Amazing! By the way, I'd like to
    get there in fifteen minutes.
[12:41] Kara
    We'll get there in eight-tion.
[12:44] Toto
    So reliable!
[12:59] Toto
    Um...
[13:00] Toto
    Are you lost?
SIGN    Vacant
[13:02] Toto
    Not only has eight minutes passed by,
[13:04] Toto
    it's been over thirty
    minutes, and I'm late now.
[13:08] Toto
    Hey.
[13:08] Kara
    Oh, here, we'll use a secret path-tion.
[13:11] Toto
    That's exactly why you're lost-tion!
[13:13] Toto
    Stop! Just stop!
[13:16] Toto
    If you don't know how to get there,
    just say so! I'll give you directions!
[13:21] Kara
    We'll be there in a couple of minutes.
[13:23] Toto
    Really?
[13:24] Kara
    Yes. Though a bit of time
    loss may be inevitable.
[13:28] Kara
    I'm a newbie, after all.
[13:30] Kara
    Right. Let's go.
[13:31] Toto
    What?! A newbie?!
[13:33] Kara
    Ignition.
[13:34] Toto
    No, wait, wait.
[13:35] Toto
    Wait, you're a newbie?
[13:38] Kara
    Yes, I just started today.
[13:40] Toto
    And it's your first day?!
    You're like this on your first day?!
[13:43] Toto
    And somehow you're acting like a veteran?!
    And you're wearing those sunglasses?!
[13:47] Toto
    Don't "?" me! Why are you so chill?!
[13:49] Toto
    Then there's no way you know where Oplex is.
[13:53] Kara
    I do.
[13:54] Toto
    Stop lying.
[13:55] Kara
    It's a swingers bar, right?
[13:58] Toto
    It's a café!
[14:00] Toto
    I wouldn't go to a swingers bar!
[14:02] Toto
    I'm in a suit, and it's daylight on a weekday!
[14:03] Toto
    How do I look like I'm
    going to a swingers bar?!
[14:06] Kara
    Well, you see all kinds
    when you drive a taxi.
[14:09] Toto
    But you just started today, didn't you?
    Why are you acting like a veteran?
[14:13] Kara
    Huh?
[14:14] Toto
    Don't "Huh?" me!
[14:16] Toto
    That's enough. Could you
    just use your navigation?
[14:19] Kara
    No. I lose if I use this.
[14:21] Toto
    Shut up, noob.
SIGN    Destination
[14:23] Toto
    6-chome in Roppongi...
[14:25] Kara
    6-chome in Roppon—
[14:30] Toto
    6-chome in Roppongi...
[14:35] Toto
    Roppongi...
[14:38] Toto
    Roppon—
[14:42] Car
    Karamatsu go, go, go!
[14:45] Car
    Karamatsu go!
[14:48] Toto
    What the hell's wrong with this taxi?
    How did it pass inspection?!
[14:53] Toto
    That's enough. I'm getting out.
[14:55] Kara
    Huh?!
[14:55] Toto
    How much do I owe you?
[14:57] Kara
    I didn't have the meter running!
[15:00] Toto
    Will this be enough, then?
[15:02] Toto
    Come on. Open the door.
[15:03] Kara
    I don't know how to open the door!
[15:05] Toto
    Then could you just go straight?
    I'll give you directions.
[15:09] Kara
    I'm out of gas!
[15:11] Toto
    Quit your job right now!
[15:14] Toto
    I'm sorry! I said too much, noob!
[15:17] Toto
    Noob!
[15:22] Toto
    Don't be like that, okay?
[15:25] Kara
    No... I'm going to quit.
[15:27] Toto
    But you finally managed
    to become a taxi driver.
[15:30] Kara
    I'm just not cut out for it.
[15:32] Toto
    That's not your problem.
    It's how you're acting.
[15:35] Toto
    You're trying to be a veteran way too fast.
[15:38] Toto
    You can act like that after you've
    had somewhat of a career.
[15:43] Kara
    I usually ask my customers
    where they'd like to go,
[15:47] Kara
    but it appears I've lost my own way.
[15:50] Toto
    Stop saying that, noob. You need
    to actually drive a few years first.
[15:56] Toto
    You usually have to work somewhere
    for a while before it gets to be fun.
[16:02] Toto
    I think it'd be a waste for you to quit now.
[16:05] Toto
    That's just my opinion, though.
[16:08] Toto
    I'll give you directions,
    so get me to my destination,
[16:13] Toto
    Mr. Taxi Driver.
[16:15] Toto
    Ignition.
[16:36] Kara
    W-We're here. We're here!
SIGN    Café Oplex
[16:42] Car
    Karamatsu go, go, go!
[16:45] Car
    Karamatsu go!
[16:49] Kara
    No, no, no, I couldn't.
[16:51] Kara
    No, no, no, no, really!
[16:54] Kara
    Miss!
[16:58] Toto
    Don't ever forget how it
    feels to be a beginner.
[17:00] Toto
    I'll be rooting for you,
    Mr. Newbie Taxi Driver.
[17:03] Kara
    Th-Thank you so much.
[17:07] Toto
    Bye.
SIGN    Job interview venue for new graduates
[17:15] Kara
    Huh?
[17:17] Kara
    What?!
SIGN    Job interview venue for new graduates
[17:24] Guy
    You're late!
[17:25] Toto
    Sorry. I've never been here,
    so I didn't know the way.
SIGN    HR Oomori
[17:29] Guy
    Do you even want to work?
[17:31] Toto
    My bad.
[17:34] Kara
    That bitch!
SIGN    End
[17:40] Totty
    A New Year's tradition!
[17:42] Totty
    The fourth annual Totty Quiz!
SIGN    Annual New Year's
    Totty Quiz
[17:48] Totty
    It's time once again. Those who answer
    correctly will get this sticker.
[17:53] Totty
    Let's get right into it. Question one.
[17:56] Totty
    Why aren't we popular with girls?
[17:59] Totty
    A: Because we're shit.
    B: We haven't had enough encounters.
SIGN    A: Because we're shit
    B: We haven't had enough encounters
[18:04] Totty
    Let's go!
[18:11] Totty
    Too bad!
[18:12] Totty
    Are you guys stupid? Just die already!
[18:15] Totty
    Question two.
[18:17] Totty
    Why can't the six of us find jobs?
[18:20] Totty
    A: Because we're shit.
    B: We just haven't found the right job.
SIGN    A: Because we're shit
    B: We just haven't found the right job
[18:32] Totty
    Yeah, I could eat three
    bowls of rice with this.
[18:36] Totty
    Question three.
[18:37] Totty
    If we were able to get a job,
    which would it be?
[18:42] Totty
    A: Comedians. B: Voice actors.
SIGN    A: Comedians
    B: Voice Actors
[18:53] Totty
    Question four!
[18:54] Totty
    Which one's sexier?
[18:56] Totty
    A: Sticks. B: Buns.
SIGN    A: Sticks
    B: Buns
[19:01] Oso
    Wouldn't it depend on your preferences?
[19:03] Choro
    Is there even a right answer?
[19:04] Choro
    Which is it?
[19:05] Jyu
    Sticks?
[19:06] Ichi
    Buns? Uh...
[19:11] Todo
    Question five.
[19:12] Oso
    Why?! That question didn't
    even have a right answer!
[19:16] Jyu
    Hey! They got stickers!
[19:18] Todo
    Being completely honest, how many
    times do you do it in a day?
[19:21] Todo
    A: Once a day. B: Twice a day.
SIGN    A: Once a day
    B: Twice a day
[19:24] Oso
    I'm telling you, there's
    no right answer to this!
[19:27] Kara
    It depends on the person!
[19:28] Choro
    What the hell's up with this quiz?!
[19:33] Todo
    Question six.
[19:35] Kara
    That's enough!
[19:36] Jyu
    Give us questions with actual right answers!
[19:38] Todo
    Which is the correct answer:
[19:40] Todo
    A: Actresses. B: Amateurs.
SIGN    A: Actresses
    B: Amateurs
[19:43] Oso
    There isn't a right answer!
[19:45] Ichi
    This is all based on your opinion!
[19:46] Choro
    Just give us questions with
    actual right answers, Totty!
[19:51] Todo
    Question seven.
[19:53] Todo
    Which is more awkward?
[19:55] Todo
    A: Waiting for the pizza delivery guy
    to give you change at the front door.
SIGN    A: Waiting for the pizza delivery guy to give you
    change at the front door.
    B: Someone you know suddenly dyes their hair brown.
[19:58] Todo
    B: Someone you know suddenly
    dyes their hair brown.
[20:04] Totty
    Correct! You all get stickers!
[20:07] Ichi
    That was easy.
[20:08] Oso
    I finally got one correct.
[20:14] Totty
    Question eight.
[20:16] Totty
    What is the square root of 7?
[20:17] Totty
    A: 2.64575. B: 3.01889.
[20:22] Kara
    What?!
[20:23] Ichi
    Which is it?
[20:24] Oso
    No idea.
[20:26] Todo
    Bzzt. You're out of time.
[20:28] Todo
    The correct answer is A: 2.64575.
[20:31] Oso
    Would've never guessed.
[20:34] Todo
    Question nine.
[20:36] Todo
    Which ones are Dekapan's pants?
[20:38] Todo
    A: This one. B: This one.
[20:42] Todo
    And the correct answer is B.
[20:44] Oso
    Would've never guessed.
[20:46] Todo
    Question ten. Which one is cuter?
[20:50] Todo
    A: Totoko-chan. B: Totty.
SIGN    A: Totoko-chan
    B: Totty
[21:00] Todo
    Too bad! Naturally, the answer's Totoko-chan!
[21:03] Todo
    You conniving jerks!
[21:06] Todo
    Last question!
SIGN    Welcome!
    4th Annual New Year's
    Totty Quiz
[21:10] Todo
    Though honestly, we shouldn't even
    be doing this ridiculous quiz.
[21:14] Todo
    What should we actually be
    concentrating on right now?!
[21:18] Todo
    A: Finding a job! B: S*x!
SIGN    A: Finding a job
    B: --x!
[21:29] Five
    Which is it?!
[21:33] Todo
    You idiots!
[21:36] Todo
    Of course the answer is B!
[21:40] All
    T-Totty!
[22:02] Totty
    That's it for the Totty Quiz!
[22:04] Totty
    See you next year!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
[23:40] Kara
    This is Karamatsu.
[23:41] Kara
    Next time, there might be a new chance at
    love with the appearance of a new girl.
[23:44] Kara
    Huh? What about Totoko-chan?
SIGN    "Space Pirates" "Gourmet Round" "The Cutie Next Door" etc.
[23:49] Kara
    I'll end up in a harem situation
    where they both fight over me!
[23:52] Kara
    Let's hope-tion!

E16 - Space Pirates / Gourmet Episode / The Cutie Next Door

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:08] Pirate
    I stole it all...
[00:11] Pirate
    Money,
[00:13] Pirate
    weapons,
[00:15] Pirate
    authority,
[00:17] Pirate
    and women.
[00:20] Sha
    Everything in this world was my prey.
[00:27] Guy
    That's...
[00:30] Guy
    The space pirate Shaazar!
[00:32] Guy2
    It's Shaazar!
[00:51] Sha
    But I'm reaching the end of the line.
[01:05] Sha
    Boredom is evil.
[01:24] Guy
    All right! We've finally got him!
[01:27] Guy
    Shoot him down with everything we've got!
[01:33] Guy
    Wait! That's...
[01:40] Sha
    I've decided to reset everything.
[01:43] Sha
    This life, my memories...
[01:46] Sha
    I'm going back to nothingness,
    and going down a new path.
[01:53] prof
    This is rather commendable, Shaazar-sama.
[01:57] Prof
    You have a life anyone would be envious of,
    and such a beautiful face.
[02:01] Prof
    Are you sure you want to
    go through with this?
[02:10] Prof
    This way.
[02:23] Prof
    How unfortunate.
[02:25] Prof
    I guess even the great pirate
    has no choice but to run away
[02:29] Prof
    if the Empire is after him.
[02:32] Android
    That's not it.
[02:33] Prof
    Huh?
[02:33] Android
    He's not running away. He's become
    bored with this whole universe.
SIGN    20 Years Later
[02:49] Guy
    We've finally found you,
    Space Pirate Shaazar!
[02:52] Guy 2
    To think you'd change your face
    to this just to get away from us.
[02:56] Guy
    Give it up! We know you're Shaazar!
[03:01] Dayon
    Nope, I'm not!
SIGN    Space Pirates
[03:04] Dayon
    I'm just Dayon!
[03:07] Guy
    You can't fool us! No human
    actually looks like that!
[03:11] Dayon
    You've got the wrong guy!
[03:13] Guy
    It's Shaazar! Fire!
[03:15] Deka
    Hold it!
[03:16] Deka
    What's all this fuss about?
[03:19] Guy
    Who the heck's this guy?
[03:20] Guy
    He's suspicious, too.
    Are you the real Shaazar?!
[03:23] Deka
    What?!
[03:24] Guy
    Fire!
[03:25] Deka
    You've got the wrong guy!
[03:27] Guy
    No one dresses like that on purpose!
[03:30] Guy
    It's Shaazar! Fire!
[03:31] Deka
    Wait!
[03:33] Iya
    What's going on here?
[03:35] Guy
    Are you the real Shaazar?!
[03:36] Iya
    Huh?!
[03:37] Guy
    No one looks that evil to begin with!
[03:40] Guy
    It's Shaazar! Fire!
[03:41] Iya
    Sheeeh!
[03:42] Iya
    You've got the wrong guy!
[03:44] Guy
    Wh-Which one is the real Shaazar?!
[03:46] Dayon
    It's him!
[03:48] Guy
    Fire!
[03:48] Deka
    It's him!
[03:49] Guy
    Fire!
[03:50] Iya
    It has to be you!
[03:51] Guy
    Fire!
[03:51] Dayon
    It's him!
[03:52] Guy
    Fire!
[03:53] Deka
    It's him!
[03:53] Guy
    Fire!
[03:53] Iya
    It has to be you!
[03:54] Guy
    Fire!
[03:54] Dayon
    It's him!
[03:55] Guy
    Which one is the real Shaazar?!
[03:57] Deka
    It's him!
[03:58] Guy
    Fire!
[03:58] Iya
    It has to be you!
[03:59] Guy
    Fire!
[03:59] Dayon
    It's him!
[04:00] Guy
    Fire!
[04:00] Deka
    It's him!
[04:01] Iya
    It has to be you!
[04:01] Guy
    Fire!
[04:02] Dayon
    It's him!
[04:02] Guy
    Fire!
[04:02] Deka
    It's him!
[04:03] Guy
    Fire!
[04:03] Iya
    It has to be you!
[04:04] Dayon
    It's him!
[04:04] ---
    Fire!
[04:04] ---
    Fire!
SIGN    End
[04:05] ---
    Fire!
[04:07] ---
    Fire!
SIGN    "Gourmet Episode"
[05:43] Ichi
    So good.
[05:44] Jyushi
    Yum!
[05:45] Mom
    It's so good! I didn't think it'd be so good.
[05:48] Mom
    I underestimated him.
[05:49] Oso
    Right? Chibita's oden is the best!
[05:53] Chibi
    Oh, stop, you idjit. But my oden's
    got spirit, if nothing else.
[05:59] Mom
    What's the matter, dear?
[06:02] Dad
    It's not a big deal, really.
[06:03] Dad
    I'm just surprised you can all fuss over
    this oden when it's not even good.
[06:07] All
    Huh?
[06:08] Chib
    Whaddya say, you idjit?! Say it again!
[06:11] Dad
    Yeah, I'll say it as many times as you want.
[06:14] Dad
    This isn't something you
    can actually call oden.
[06:18] Dad
    It's just some hodgepodge
    made by some amateur!
[06:22] Totty
    Who the heck are you?
[06:23] Oso
    What's wrong, Dad? Why are you
    acting like someone else?
[06:26] Kara
    What kind of switch is this?!
[06:28] Dad
    Listen up, chef. The atmosphere is
    really important when you're eating.
[06:34] Dad
    I'm going to be blunt...
[06:36] Dad
    It's frickin' cold out here.
[06:38] Chibi
    Uh, it's a food stall, so of
    course it's cold, you idjit.
SIGN    Hybrid Oden
[06:41] Chibi
    What're you talkin' about?
[06:43] Dad
    You don't even have the right equipment.
    These are disposable chopsticks.
[06:46] Chibi
    Because it's a food stall.
[06:47] Dad
    And the mustard is hot!
[06:49] Chibi
    Duh. It's mustard.
[06:50] Dad
    All of those things are
    making your oden taste bad.
[06:54] Chibi
    You're the one making it taste bad! Leave!
[06:57] Dad
    Listen up, everyone. If you want to eat
    some real oden, this time next week,
[07:02] Dad
    come to this place.
SIGN    Matsuboshi
[07:05] Dad
    I'll serve you all the best oden in Japan.
SIGN    Akatsuka Tribune
[07:13] Guy
    Hey, Matsuno-kun! You still have work to do!
[07:17] Guy
    Matsuno-kun!
SIGN    Matsuboshi
[08:02] Dad
    That's it.
SIGN    Matsuboshi
SIGN    Matsuboshi
SIGN    30 Minutes Later
SIGN    Matsuboshi
SIGN    2 Hours Later
[08:35] Dad
    No one came!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "The Cutie Next Door"
[08:49] Oso
    S-So cute!
[08:51] Jyu
    She's cute!
[08:52] Totty
    Yeah, she's super cute!
[08:53] Kara
    She's beautiful.
[08:54] Choro
    She's lovely.
[09:00] Todo
    So, what's important here is how
    we become acquainted with her.
[09:04] Choro
    Right... They do say first
    impressions are important.
[09:08] Jyu
    How to greet her, huh?
[09:10] Oso
    How to greet her...
[09:12] Ichi
    Huh?
[09:23] Oso
    Wh-Wh-Wh-What are we
    supposed to do with this?!
[09:26] Kara
    What are we going to do? Her bra came
    over before we could even go say hi!
[09:30] Totty
    How does this happen?!
[09:32] Ichi
    Sh-Should we go return it?
[09:35] Todo
    Huh? And say, "You dropped your bra?"
[09:37] Todo
    Talk about the worst first impression.
[09:38] Oso
    All right. Should we just keep it, then?
[09:40] Choro
    Are you stupid?
[09:41] Jyu
    Should we just eat it?
[09:42] Kara
    Are you stupid?
[09:43] Oso
    What are we going to do?! Do virgins
    usually have to face such challenges?!
[09:47] Six
    What should we do?!
[09:48] Six
    What are we going to do?!
[09:49] Kinko
    Pardon me!
[09:58] Todo
    Who would've thought
    she'd come and get it?
[10:04] Oso
    Her name is Inuyama Kinko.
    Kin-chan for short.
[10:09] Oso
    Ever since then, her bras
    show up every once in a while.
[10:14] Kinko
    It blew away again.
[10:16] Choro
    This isn't really something
    to laugh about, Kin-chan.
[10:18] Kara
    We're virgins over here.
[10:20] Oso
    The more bras that came flying
    over, the closer we got.
[10:25] Jyu
    We're home!
[10:26] Kin
    Hey, NEETs.
[10:28] Jyu
    Kin-chan!
[10:30] Kin
    Heya!
[10:32] Kin
    Here, this is for you guys.
[10:35] Jyu
    What is it?
[10:36] Kin
    They're sweets from back home.
[10:37] Kin
    I wanted to thank you guys
    for always finding my bras.
[10:40] Jyu
    What? Really?
[10:42] Kin
    Give some to your parents, too. See ya!
[10:49] Oso
    Kin-chan's so cute.
[10:51] Choro
    She's so lovely.
[10:53] Kara
    Kin-chan, we love you!
[10:55] Totty
    You're super cute!
[10:56] Oso
    So cute!
[10:57] Jyu
    Kin-chan!
[11:01] Toto
    Kin-chan? Who's that?
[11:04] Oso
    Make sure your bras don't
    come flying over again!
[11:07] Toto
    Someone who has bras flying
    over there? Who is she?
[11:10] Choro
    Kin-chan!
[11:11] Kara
    Kin-chan!
[11:12] Toto
    Who? Who's Kin-chan?!
[11:14] Six
    Kin-chan!
[11:15] Toto
    Seriously, who is she?!
SIGN    A Few Days Later
[11:19] Oso
    Hey, there's trouble!
[11:21] All
    Huh?
[11:22] Oso
    Kin-chan says she wants
    to go on a date with us!
[11:24] All
    What?!
[11:25] Totty
    Seriously?!
[11:26] Jyu
    Why?!
[11:26] Kara
    Wow, wow, wow!
[11:28] Oso
    Apparently she's still not used to Tokyo,
    so she wants us to show her around.
[11:33] Choro
    Sheeeh! When?
[11:34] Oso
    Tomorrow!
[11:35] All
    Tomorrow?!
[11:38] Ichi
    Tomorrow's not going to work.
[11:39] Ichi
    We promised Totoko-chan...
[11:43] Ichi
    that we'd go to a sale with her so she
    can let us carry all her stuff for her.
[11:47] Ichi
    It's a very blessed day.
[11:49] Toto
    Is it heavy, you guys?
[11:52] All
    Not at all!
[11:53] Oso
    Oh, crap! That's tomorrow?
[11:56] Kara
    How could you double-book, you fool?!
[11:58] Oso
    We don't have any other choice...
    but to decline Totoko-chan's offer.
[12:02] Choro
    Huh?
[12:03] Choro
    Can we actually do that?
    Won't we get killed?
[12:05] Oso
    Well, you know, Kin-chan's...
[12:08] Choro
    Oh, right...
SIGN    Totoko-chan
SIGN    In call
[12:18] Toto
    Hello?
[12:22] Kara
    T-Totoko-chan?
[12:24] Toto
    What is it, Karamatsu-kun?
[12:27] Kara
    Um... About tomorrow...
[12:30] Toto
    Yeah?
[12:32] Toto
    What? What? What?!
[12:35] Toto
    You can't come?!
[12:43] Toto
    What's that supposed to mean?
[12:47] Toto
    You promised me, didn't you? So why?
[12:51] Kara
    Well, uh, something came up...
[12:53] Toto
    Something came up?
[12:55] Toto
    So you don't want to come on our date?
[12:58] Kara
    Non, non! No, no, no, non, Totoko-chan!
[13:00] Choro
    Of course we want to go!
    And we're grief-stricken over this, but...
[13:03] Toto
    Really?
[13:05] Choro
    Yes! Totally grief-stricken!
[13:07] Choro
    Right, Jyushimatsu?
[13:09] Jyu
    My insides are exploding!
    I can't believe we can't go!
[13:15] Toto
    Okay, fine.
[13:16] Toto
    I'll never ask you guys out again.
[13:18] Toto
    Bye!
[13:22] Ichi
    Totoko-chan's amazing...
[13:24] Oso
    When'd she learn how to do that?
[13:27] Jyu
    Someone praise me.
SIGN    The Next Day
[13:29] Toto
    Hmph!
[13:31] Toto
    How dare they cancel on me
    at the last minute? Those idiots.
[13:35] Toto
    Oh, well. I guess I can try
    holding my own bags for once.
[13:41] Toto
    Huh?
[13:43] Toto
    What? Why?
[13:45] Toto
    Was the thing that came up...
[13:48] Kin
    Let's go.
[13:49] Jyu
    Where do you want to go, Kin-chan?
[13:51] Toto
    There's that Kin-chan again!
[13:52] Toto
    Who's Kin-chan? Who's this Kin-chan?
[13:54] Toto
    Who is she?!
[14:01] Toto
    Oh-ho... I see.
[14:04] Toto
    So basically, when you're that
    unpopular, I'm out of your league.
[14:09] Toto
    That's why they're targeting
    a commoner instead.
[14:12] Toto
    Yes, they can't help it.
[14:14] Toto
    I'm just too cute! They are
    virgins, after all, yes.
SIGN    Fresh
    Juice
[14:18] Toto
    They look like they're having fun.
    It's good that I let them do this. Yes.
[14:22] Toto
    They're so close. I guess they don't
    get as nervous with a commoner. Yes.
[14:35] Kin
    Hey, what do you think of this?
[14:37] Todo
    Huh? I'm not so sure...
[14:39] Kin
    No way! It's cute, isn't it?
[14:41] Oso
    Yeah, I'm not sure...
[14:42] Choro
    I'm not sure if it suits you, Kin-chan.
[14:44] Kin
    What? I look good, don't I?
[14:46] Ichi
    It doesn't look good on you at all.
[14:47] Kin
    What?
[14:51] Oso
    Where should we go next?
[14:52] Oso
    Pachinko? The horse races?
[14:54] Jyu
    Jingu? Dome?
[14:56] Kin
    I dunno. There are so many choices.
[14:59] Choro
    Huh?
[15:00] Ichi
    What's wrong?
[15:01] Choro
    Look over there.
[15:02] All
    Huh?
[15:03] Choro
    Isn't that... Totoko-chan?
[15:24] Kin
    What? What's going on?
[15:30] Kara
    She's super pissed!
[15:33] Jyu
    Not good.
[15:34] Todo
    Choromatsu-niisan,
    get me something to drink.
[15:36] Choro
    Buy it yourself!
[15:38] Choro
    Honestly...
[15:48] All
    T-Totoko-chan!
[15:50] Choro
    We're sorry! Please forgive us!
[15:51] Choro
    It's all our fault, Totoko-chan!
[15:53] Toto
    I am not Totoko. I'm a vending machine.
[15:56] Toto
    Please insert 130 yen.
[15:58] Kara
    Really, we're sorry!
[16:00] Choro
    Please forgive us, Totoko-chan!
[16:01] Toto
    I am not Totoko. Please insert 130 yen.
[16:05] Kara
    You're freaking us out!
[16:06] Choro
    Come on, please!
[16:08] Toto
    Buy some drinks.
SIGN    Izakaya
[16:26] Choro
    S-So, this is Kin-chan...
[16:30] Toto
    Who? Who's Kin-chan?
[16:32] Kin
    N-Nice to meet you.
[16:34] Toto
    Nice to meet you.
[16:35] Kin
    My name is Inuyama Kinko.
[16:37] Toto
    I am a vending machine.
[16:40] Choro
    Y-You see, there's a good reason for this.
[16:44] Choro
    We didn't pick one over the other.
[16:47] Toto
    It's fine. I'm not mad.
[16:50] Toto
    I don't care who you hang out with.
    I'm not your girlfriend.
[16:54] Toto
    Of course you'd prefer this date instead.
[16:57] Toto
    Who would want to go out with an uncute
    girl who'd make you hold all her bags?
[17:01] Choro
    Huh? But you're the cutest, Totoko-chan!
[17:04] Toto
    I'm not cute.
[17:05] Jyu
    But you are!
[17:06] Toto
    How am I cute? I get mad
    easily, and I'm selfish.
[17:09] Toto
    That's not cute at all.
[17:11] Ichi
    No, you are.
[17:12] Toto
    I'm not.
[17:13] All
    You're cute!
[17:14] Toto
    I'm not.
[17:15] All
    You are!
[17:16] Toto
    I'm not.
[17:17] All
    You are!
[17:18] Toto
    I'm not.
[17:20] Oso
    Yeah, you're not cute at all.
[17:25] Oso
    What's with you, Totoko-chan? Are you that
    mad we had to cancel at the last minute?
[17:29] Oso
    You're acting weird today.
[18:02] Todo
    Totoko-chan. Sorry, he's an idiot.
[18:06] Todo
    Don't let him get to you.
[18:08] Todo
    We're the ones who double-booked, and he
    tried to overlook that fact. He's an idiot.
[18:21] (Flashback) Kin
    Oh, sorry. Don't worry about it.
    I'll hold my own things.
[18:25] (Flashback) Kin
    This is perfect for you.
[18:27] (Flashback) Kin
    Why don't we rest a bit?
    This is tiring, isn't it?
[18:32] (Flashback) Kin
    This one!
[18:35] (Flashback) Todo
    It doesn't look good at all!
[18:36] (Flashback) Oso
    Let's pick something else.
[18:40] (Flashback) Kin
    Gosh, you guys are so picky.
[18:50] Todo
    What's wrong?
[18:52] Toto
    I'm going home.
[18:53] Todo
    Huh? But why?
[18:54] Todo
    Everyone's waiting for you.
[18:56] Toto
    Forget it. It's too much trouble.
[19:00] Todo
    What's too much trouble?
[19:11] Toto
    Huh?
[19:14] Kin
    Um... They explained everything to me,
[19:19] Kin
    and it seems like they
    changed their plans for me
[19:22] Kin
    since I'm going back home tomorrow.
[19:25] Toto
    Going home?
[19:26] Choro
    Yeah. She's in town now to visit a relative.
[19:31] Choro
    She's going home tomorrow,
    so today was the only day.
[19:35] Oso
    I guess we should've just said that.
[19:37] Oso
    We're sorry, Totoko-chan.
[19:39] Kin
    I'm so sorry!
[19:41] Kin
    They promised you first,
    but I ended up intervening...
[19:47] Oso
    Hey, you don't need to apologize, Kin-chan.
[20:05] Toto
    Why?! Why are you apologizing?!
[20:12] Toto
    Who? Who's Kin-chan? Ugh!
[20:18] Todo
    Uh, what?
[20:20] Oso
    I have no idea...
[20:21] Toto
    Who's Kin-chan?!
SIGN    The Next Day
[21:12] Oso
    Well, there she goes.
[21:15] Kara
    Hopefully she'll come visit again.
[21:17] Jyu
    Maybe over summer vacation.
[21:19] Todo
    Thanks for coming, Totoko-chan.
[21:21] Choro
    We're relieved you two made up.
[21:28] Toto
    Hey.
[21:32] Toto
    Listen up. I'll forgive Kin-chan,
    because she was a nice girl.
[21:36] Toto
    However... However!
[21:40] Toto
    You have the cutest girl of all,
    Yowai Totoko, right next to you!
[21:44] Toto
    So stop letting your eyes wander like that!
[21:47] All
    Yes, ma'am!
[21:48] Toto
    Totoko is number one!
[21:49] All
    Yes, milady!
[21:50] Toto
    No question.
[21:52] All
    Yes, milady!
[21:53] Toto
    The cutest!
[21:54] All
    Yes, milady!
[21:56] Oso
    Um, just wondering... What are the chances
    you'll go out with one of us someday?
[22:01] Toto
    Huh?
[22:02] Toto
    Yeah... I don't see that happening.
[22:05] All
    Yes, milady!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
[23:39] Choro
    Next week is a story about a mysterious girl
[23:42] Choro
    who appears at a traditional
    inn in the countryside.
[23:44] Choro
    What's her secret?
[23:46] Choro
    Did you figure it out?
    That's what I thought, too.
SIGN    "Punishment!" "Inn" etc.
[23:49] Choro
    Just the sound of the word
    "inn" makes it sound pervy.

E17 - Punishment! / Inn

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:05] Nar
    Unidentified mysterious animals,
    otherwise known as UMA.
[00:08] Nar
    The mysterious world of the occult
    is filled with passion and dreams.
[00:12] Nar
    This is the passionate tale of
    adventure of the men who were
[00:16] Nar
    enchanted by its mysticism!
[00:19] Iyami
    Iyami...
[00:21] Hata
    Hatabou...
[00:21] Jyu
    And Jyushimatsu's...
[00:23] All
    ...UMA Expedition Team! Doo-wah!
SIGN    UMA Expedition Team
[00:32] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[00:35] Iyami
    You two!
[00:36] Iyami
    Our target today is this!
[00:40] Iyami
    The Devil Yeti!
[00:42] Hata
    Jo.
[00:44] Iyami
    It lives in a cave that looks like this!
[00:48] Iyami
    We're going to catch one, no matter what!
[00:50] Jyu
    Today's the day...
[00:51] Hata
    ...we catch one, jo!
[00:52] Iyami
    Let's do this!
[00:53] Jyu
    Jo! Jo!
[00:54] Hata
    Yeti!
[00:56] ---
    Cacth and release!
SIGN    One Week Later
[01:39] Hata
    Jo!
[01:43] Hata
    Jo...
[01:46] Hata
    That hurt, jo!
[02:27] Jyu
    Ow!
[02:29] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[02:45] Hata
    Jo... Jo... Jo...
[02:52] Jo
    Jo...
[03:02] Jo
    Jo.
[03:07] Iyami
    That hurt!
[03:10] Iyami
    Die! Die! Both of you die!
[03:22] Jyu
    D-Director!
[03:23] Iyami
    Me is not a director. Me is your captain.
[03:25] Jyu
    Look!
[03:29] Iyami
    Sheeeh! That's the Devil Yeti's...
[03:34] Jyu
    Yay!
[03:35] Iyami
    We did it!
[03:37] Hata
    It's coming out, jo.
[03:41] Hata
    Jo...
[03:46] Hata
    Jo...
[03:49] ---
    Jo...
[03:58] Jyu
    What are you doing?
[03:59] Dayon
    Training.
[04:03] Hata
    Jo.
SIGN    End
[05:38] Oso
    What? Seriously?!
[05:40] Oso
    We're having yakiniku tonight?!
[05:42] Kara
    Is that the truth, Daddy and Mommy?!
[05:45] Dad
    Yakiniku.
[05:46] Mom
    Yes, yakiniku.
[05:49] choro
    Yay! Yakiniku!
[05:51] Todo
    Yay! So happy!
[05:53] Ichi
    Yes... Yes... Yes...
SIGN    "Punishment!"
[06:00] Jyu
    We're having yakiniku tonight,
    Ichimatsu-niisan! Isn't that great?
[06:06] Jyu
    Aren't you happy?
[06:08] Ichi
    No, I'm happy.
[06:11] Jyu
    You don't really come out and say
    when you're happy, do you?
[06:15] Ichi
    Leave me alone.
[06:16] Jyu
    I will.
SIGN    Change
SIGN    Vending
SIGN    No Bills Out of Change
[06:20] Jyu
    Whoa! That's awesome!
[06:22] Jyu
    It's your lucky day, Ichimatsu-niisan!
[06:25] Jyu
    What's wrong?
[06:26] Ichi
    There's already a blessed event in that
    we're going to have yakiniku tonight...
[06:31] Ichi
    Why did I win a free drink, too?
[06:34] Jyu
    Good for you.
[06:36] Ichi
    It's a trap.
[06:37] Jyu
    Huh?!
[06:38] Ichi
    Let's go home.
[06:38] Jyu
    Why?! Don't you want your drink?
[06:40] Jyu
    Ichimatsu-niisan?!
[06:44] Jyu
    Hey, it's a cat.
[06:45] Jyu
    Look, Ichimatsu-niisan! There's a cat.
[06:50] Jyu
    Why aren't you looking?
[06:51] Ichi
    It really is a trap.
[06:53] Jyu
    What?!
[06:57] Jyu
    You found a 500-yen coin. Lucky you!
[07:00] Jyu
    Why?!
[07:05] Jyu
    What's the matter? Why are you so scared?
[07:09] Ichi
    So many good things are happening today,
    I'm actually scared.
[07:13] Jyu
    Come again?
[07:14] Ichi
    Aren't you scared?
[07:16] Jyu
    Not at all.
[07:17] Ichi
    Doesn't it make you wonder why
    these happy things keep happening?
[07:20] Jyu
    Not at all.
[07:26] Ichi
    Okay, this is tonight's yakiniku.
[07:29] Ichi
    It's a good thing. It's a happy thing.
[07:31] Jyu
    Yeah.
[07:32] Ichi
    But you can't get too happy over it,
[07:35] Ichi
    because something equally as
    bad is going to happen later.
[07:38] Jyu
    What?! Really?
[07:39] Ichi
    Yeah. Life is all about balance.
[07:42] Jyu
    Huh...
[07:44] Ichi
    But then...
[07:46] Ichi
    I won a drink on top of that,
    then we found a cat, my favorite,
[07:50] Ichi
    and I found a 500-yen coin...
[07:54] Ichi
    This is definitely not good.
    My happiness debt's completely inflated.
[07:57] Jyu
    Happiness debt...
[07:59] Jyu
    What's happiness debt?
[08:01] Ichi
    The misfortune payback
    for this will be terrifying.
[08:05] Jyu
    What's misfortune payback?
[08:07] Ichi
    That's exactly why, Jyushimatsu.
[08:08] Jyu
    Huh?
[08:09] Ichi
    Since we're already having yakiniku tonight,
[08:12] Ichi
    we don't need anything else good to happen.
[08:14] Ichi
    If we pack on too much happiness debt,
[08:16] Ichi
    in the worst case, we might not
    be able to eat yakiniku tonight.
[08:18] Jyu
    What?! That'll be awful.
[08:20] Ichi
    We have to be cautious...
[08:22] Ichi
    We have to make some bad things
    happen in order to maintain balance.
[08:26] Jyu
    True.
[08:27] Ichi
    For the yakiniku.
[08:29] Jyu
    For the yakiniku.
[08:36] Jyu
    I'm jealous. You seem to be getting
    all the fish, Ichimatsu-niisan.
[08:41] Ichi
    Punishment!
[08:43] Jyu
    Oh, yeah. Punishment!
[08:51] Jyu
    Yay! I hit it!
[08:53] Ichi
    No, Jyushimatsu.
[08:56] Jyu
    Punishment!
[08:59] Ichi
    Well done.
SIGN    Daibinbouya
SIGN    You Win!
    Get a free one
    from the store
    you got this from
[09:06] Jyu
    Punishment!
SIGN    Pro Baseball
    Lightly Salted Chips
    w/ Trading Card!
[09:09] Jyu
    Heck yes! Mernored!
[09:10] Ichi
    Punishment!
SIGN    The Original Akatsuka Ramen
[09:13] Lady
    Congratulations! You're our 10,000th customer!
[09:19] Both
    Punishment!
[09:24] Ichi
    Punishment!
[09:26] Jyu
    Punishment!
[09:28] Ichi
    Punishment!
[09:30] Jyu
    Punishment!
[09:31] Both
    Punishment! Punishment!
    Punishment! Punishment!
SIGN    Shibuya Station
[09:44] Ichi
    H-Here we go... The ultimate punishment.
[09:47] Jyu
    S-Seriously?
[09:50] Ichi
    Punishment, punishment, punishment,
    punishment, punishment...
[09:56] Jyu
    Nothing's even happening,
    but I'm super nervous!
[09:59] Jyu
    Too fancy!
[10:01] Ichi
    Punishment!
[10:02] Jyu
    Punishment!
[10:03] Ichi
    Punishment!
[10:04] Jyu
    Punishment!
[10:06] Ichi
    Take the punishment, Jyushimatsu!
[10:08] Jyu
    Take the punishment, Ichimatsu-niisan!
[10:10] Both
    Punishment!
[10:25] Ichi
    I think we went a little overboard...
[10:27] Jyu
    I can't take any more...
[10:34] Guy
    Aw, man. A sudden rainstorm.
[10:38] Guy
    This sucks!
[10:42] Both
    Yes!
[10:47] Ichi
    It's a sudden rainstorm, Jyushimatsu!
[10:50] Jyu
    It's a sudden rainstorm, Ichimatsu-niisan!
[10:52] Ichi
    Now we don't need to punish
    each other anymore.
[10:54] Jyu
    No reason at all!
[10:56] Both
    Yay!
[10:59] Jyu
    I can already taste the yakiniku!
[11:00] Jyu
    I can taste the kalbi!
[11:04] Both
    No need to punish ourselves!
[11:07] Girl 1
    Ugh, this sucks.
[11:09] Girl 2
    I'm soaked!
[11:11] Girl 1
    I'm going to catch a cold.
[11:12] Girl 2
    Seriously! This is awful.
[11:18] Both
    Punishment!
[11:29] Todo
    We bought so much meat.
[11:32] Choro
    I can't wait.
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Inn"
[11:52] Kara
    The mountains sure are great.
[11:54] Todo
    They are.
[11:56] Todo
    And it's so nice to be on vacation with you, sir.
[12:00] Kara
    Come on. You don't need to
    call me "sir" today, Todomi.
[12:04] todo
    Okay, Karahiko-san.
[12:07] Kara
    Looks like we're here.
SIGN    Welcome
[12:10] Todo
    How lovely.
[12:15] Choro
    Welcome. I am the proprietress
    of this establishment, Choroe.
[12:19] Choro
    Thank you for coming.
[12:22] Kara
    Hello.
[12:23] Todo
    Thank you for having us.
[12:27] Choro
    Here is your room.
[12:34] Todo
    It really is lovely.
[12:36] Kara
    It's a great view, all right.
[12:38] Todo
    Oh, honestly. I'm not talking about the view.
[12:40] Kara
    Hm?
[12:41] Todo
    I'm talking about you.
[12:46] Kara
    Well, let's change into something
    a bit more comfortable.
[12:48] Todo
    Yes.
[12:53] Kara
    Huh? Who's this kid?
[13:05] Kara
    L-Little girl?
[13:08] Oso
    My name's Osoma!
[13:12] Kara
    Oso?
[13:13] Oso
    Osoma!
[13:14] Oso
    I'm a zashikiwarashi that lives in this room!
[13:16] Kara
    A zashikiwarashi?
[13:17] Oso
    Yup!
[13:19] Todo
    Hey, this is creepy.
[13:21] Todo
    Let's go tell the staff about this.
[13:23] Kara
    Yeah, you're right...
[13:26] Oso
    I'm telling the truth.
[13:29] Oso
    No one ever believes me at first,
[13:32] Oso
    but I really am a zashikiwarashi.
[13:38] Oso
    See?
[13:41] Kara
    It's real!
SIGN    Evil spirits, begone
[13:53] Todo
    Hey, how long are we going to do this?
[13:55] Todo
    Let's go home!
[13:57] Kara
    Oh, it's fine.
[13:58] Todo
    What?
[13:59] Kara
    You don't get to see
    zashikiwarashi that often.
[14:02] Kara
    And look at her. She's adorable.
[14:04] Todo
    How?!
[14:09] Kara
    She's so adorable.
[14:11] Todo
    How?!
[14:14] Oso
    You're not going to leave?
[14:15] Kara
    Hm?
[14:17] Oso
    I mean, I'm a zashikiwarashi.
[14:19] Oso
    Aren't you sick of me?
[14:20] Kara
    Not at all. That's why we're not leaving.
[14:23] Todo
    Huh?!
[14:24] Oso
    But why? I'm a zashikiwarashi.
[14:27] Kara
    I'm happy to have a cute little girl
    like you in my room, Osoma-chan.
[14:36] Oso
    You're weird.
[14:37] Todo
    What are you thinking?
[14:39] Kara
    Oh, come on. It's fine.
[14:41] Todo
    How?!
[14:42] Oso
    Hey.
[14:43] Oso
    Why don't you go take a bath?
[14:45] Oso
    You came all the way to the hot springs,
    so you should go enjoy them at least once.
[14:49] Kara
    Oh, that's a great idea.
[14:51] Todo
    Huh?
[15:08] Oso
    How's the water? Good?
[15:09] Kara
    Yeah, it's great.
[15:12] Oso
    Glad to hear it.
[15:40] Todo
    Take that! Take that and that!
[15:44] Todo
    Hey, stop that! Come on!
[15:52] Todo
    This looks delicious!
[15:55] Oso
    Come on, sit down.
[15:59] Oso
    There you go.
[16:00] Oso
    Here.
[16:02] Todo
    Thank you, Osoma-chan.
[16:05] Kara
    Well, let's toast.
[16:07] ---
    Cheers.
[16:11] Osoma
    We got this from the mountains over here.
[16:14] Kara
    I see...
[16:15] Osoma
    Oh, you put soy sauce on that.
[16:18] Todo
    Thanks.
[16:22] Kara
    Good job, Osoma-chan.
[16:24] Todo
    Well done!
[16:26] Kara
    You're so cute. If only we
    had a daughter like you.
[16:31] Todo
    Oh, Karahiko-san!
[16:39] Kara
    But you know... I never thought we'd be
    staying in a room with a zashikiwarashi.
[16:47] Todo
    This ended up being a wonderful trip.
[16:49] Todo
    I'd love to come again.
[16:50] Oso
    Did you like our inn?
[16:52] Todo
    Yes. It's all thanks to you, Osoma-chan.
[16:55] Oso
    Thank goodness!
[16:56] Todo
    You did startle me at first, though.
[16:59] Kara
    But it didn't take long to get used to it.
[17:01] Oso
    I have something I want to talk
    to you about. Is that okay?
[17:07] Kara
    Talk to us?
[17:08] Todo
    What is it?
[17:10] Oso
    It's about my Ma.
[17:13] Todo
    Your mother? Wait, what about your mother?
[17:17] Oso
    She's the proprietress of this inn.
[17:21] Both
    What?!
[17:22] Kara
    She's your mother?
[17:25] Oso
    Yup.
[17:25] Todo
    Really?
[17:26] Oso
    Yup.
[17:28] Kara
    I see...
[17:30] Todo
    How surprising.
[17:33] Oso
    I was killed.
[17:37] Kara
    Huh?
[17:39] Oso
    A long time ago,
[17:41] Oso
    Ma took my life.
[17:48] Kara
    Th-Th...
[17:51] Both
    This is suddenly creepy!
[17:53] Kara
    Huh? What's going on?! This is super creepy!
[17:56] Kara
    This was so much fun a little while ago!
    Now it's not fun at all!
[17:58] Kara
    I want to go home!
[18:00] Todo
    So scary!
[18:01] Oso
    I was killed in this room.
[18:02] Both
    Scary!
[18:03] Oso
    I think I died right around there.
[18:06] Both
    Huh?!
[18:07] Oso
    These stains are my blood.
[18:08] Both
    What?!
[18:10] Oso
    My bones are buried on
    the other side of this wall.
[18:12] Both
    What?!
[18:14] Oso
    So any time guests come
    to this room, I ask them
[18:18] Oso
    to at least dig my bones out.
[18:20] Kara
    What the hell is wrong with this inn?!
[18:22] Todo
    Worst trip ever! We're never
    coming back, you idiot!
[18:26] Choro
    I've brought you some beer.
[18:28] Kara
    Now the old lady showed up!
[18:30] Todo
    So scary!
[18:31] Choro
    What's the matter? You look a bit pale.
[18:35] Kara
    Scary, scary, scary.
[18:36] Todo
    Scary, scary, scary.
[18:42] Choro
    Did you happen to see...
    something in this room?
[18:47] Kara
    She can't see Osoma-chan...
[18:51] Kara
    Scary, scary, scary!
[18:52] Todo
    Scary, scary, scary!
[18:53] Choro
    For example, oh, I don't know...
[18:57] Choro
    A zashikiwarashi?
[19:00] Kara
    I'm so scared!
[19:02] Todo
    I'm so scared! What is this, you idiot?!
[19:05] Choro
    Well?
[19:08] Choro
    If you saw one...
[19:13] Both
    I can't!
[19:16] Kara
    What is this?! What is this inn?!
[19:18] Todo
    This is awful! It was so much fun at first!
[19:22] Kara
    Wait...
[19:24] Kara
    Should we really leave?
[19:27] Todo
    Huh?!
[19:29] Kara
    I mean... If we leave right now,
[19:32] Kara
    no one will ever know what
    happened to that girl.
[19:38] Todo
    Don't be stupid! Just go!
[20:13] Oso
    Perfect success!
[20:14] Choro
    Hey.
[20:16] Oso
    Ma!
[20:18] Choro
    There you go, scaring the guests
    and making them leave again.
[20:21] Choro
    Keep it up, and we won't
    be able to eat anymore.
[20:23] Oso
    Come on, let's play, Ma!
[20:26] Choro
    What do I always tell you? I have to work.
[20:29] Choro
    Honestly, what a troublesome child.
[20:33] Oso
    I didn't do anything wrong.
[20:35] Oso
    This is all your fault, Ma.
[20:40] Choro
    Oh, very well. Since the guests left,
    why don't I read you a book tonight?
[20:47] Oso
    Really? Yay!
[20:49] Oso
    I love you, Ma!
[20:54] Oso
    Hey, Ma.
[20:57] Oso
    Do you love Osoma?
[21:01] Choro
    Come now. Don't ask something so obvious.
[21:06] Oso
    Okay!
SIGN    End
[22:45] Choro
    Aw, man... We ended up with extra time.
[22:50] Choro
    Well, I guess I'll have to fap—
[22:52] Kara
    We have extra time?!
[22:54] Kara
    Hmph! Let's do this, then!
[22:56] Kara
    Karamatsu and...
[22:57] jyu
    Jyushimatsu's...
[22:58] both
    ...delivery skit!
[23:00] Both
    "If Hansel and Gretel Were Actually Smart!"
SIGN    Delivery Skit
    If Hansel and Gretel Were Actually Smart
[23:06] Kara
    Oh, no. We're lost in the woods.
[23:09] Jyu
    I'm hungry, Onii-chan.
[23:12] Kara
    All right. Let's leave pieces of this
    bread so we can follow them back.
[23:23] Kara
    No, Jyushitel. You can't eat them.
[23:27] Kara
    Jyushitel. Stop eating them.
[23:31] Kara
    Jyushitel! I told you to stop!
[23:35] Kara
    Jyushitel!
[23:36] Jyu
    It's okay. I've been leaving something
    behind for every one I eat.
[23:39] Jyu
    See? Look.
[23:42] Kara
    Smart!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Iyami, Alone in the Wind"

E18 - Iyami, Alone in the Wind

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "Iyami, Alone in the Wind"
SIGN    Starving Town
SIGN    Fruit
SIGN    Green Grocer Yowai's Fish Shop
[00:39] Toto
    Thanks! Come again!
[00:41] Hata
    Jo, jo, jo, jo!
[00:44] Guy
    The poor are never bored.
SIGN    Green Grocer
SIGN    Shochikubai
[01:06] Dayon
    Pay your rent. Wake up.
[01:10] Iyami
    Say what?
[01:12] Dayon
    Your rent.
[01:14] Iyami
    Me doesn't have any money.
    Me will give you something better.
[01:19] Dayon
    What's this?
[01:20] Iyami
    It's poop.
[01:22] Dayon
    It stinks!
[01:30] Guy
    Hey!
[01:31] Guy
    Stop!
[01:33] Totoko
    Hey!
[01:34] All
    Iyami!
[01:37] Iyami
    Only stupid people work!
[01:40] Iyami
    Me may not have any money,
    but me is still faster than all of you!
[01:46] Iyami
    Not bad.
[01:51] Oso
    Out of the way!
[01:53] Choro
    Make way!
[01:55] Kara
    The hero of this town,
    Chibita-san, is coming through!
[01:58] Todo
    Welcome back, Chibita-san!
[02:00] Both
    Bro!
[02:04] Chibi
    I'm starving.
[02:05] Chibi
    You guys can eat, too...
    If any of it falls on the ground.
[02:09] Toto
    How dare you mock us?!
[02:12] Iyami
    All mine!
[02:16] Chibi
    H-He actually ate it!
[02:19] Iyami
    Drop some more.
[02:21] Chibi
    Here.
[02:22] Iyami
    Next, me will eat it this way!
[02:24] Chibi
    Here!
[02:26] Iyami
    Hup!
[02:27] Chibi
    Here!
[02:28] Iyami
    Me is going for it!
[02:40] Lady
    How disgusting.
[02:43] Lady
    Isn't he ashamed of himself?
[02:44] Iyami
    Shut up, you old hags!
[02:52] Kiku
    Would anyone like any flowers?
    I have flowers.
[02:56] Kiku
    Would you like any?
[03:02] Kiku
    I-I'm so sorry!
[03:06] Iyami
    Hey, you.
[03:09] Iyami
    Are you blind?
[03:11] Kiku
    Oh... Yes.
[03:19] Iyami
    This is all of them.
[03:21] Kiku
    Thank you!
[03:26] Kiku
    Say, mister. Will you buy some flowers?
[03:30] Iyami
    How much are they?
[03:32] Kiku
    One is five yen.
[03:33] Iyami
    Five yen... The one me
    picked up earlier is...
[03:39] Iyami
    Me will give you this 50 yen,
    so give me change.
SIGN    Five Yen
[03:44] Kiku
    I don't have any change...
[03:47] Kiku
    I haven't been able to sell any yet today,
    so I don't have any money...
[03:52] Iyami
    Oh, me doesn't need any change, then!
[03:54] Iyami
    You can just have it.
[03:55] Kiku
    Really?
[03:56] Iyami
    Yeah, totally.
[04:01] Kiku
    Thank you! You're a nice person, mister.
[04:05] Iyami
    N...
[04:06] Iyami
    Nice person?
[04:08] Iyami
    Sheeeh! No one's ever said that to me before!
[04:17] Kiku
    Mister?
[04:18] Iyami
    Oh, it's nothing! Out of curiosity,
    why are you selling these flowers?
[04:30] Iyami
    I see...
[04:32] Iyami
    Must've been rough.
[04:34] Kiku
    Both my mom and my dad died then.
[04:50] Iyami
    What a cruel world.
[04:52] Iyami
    Well, good luck.
[04:54] Kiku
    Wait!
[04:57] Kiku
    I want to give you another one to thank you.
[05:03] Iyami
    She sure has it rough for a kid.
[05:08] Jerk
    Watch where you're going, you jerk!
[05:13] Iyami
    Are you okay? Are you hurt?
[05:15] Kiku
    The flowers... My flowers...
[05:18] Kiku
    I'm so sorry... And you just
    picked them up for me, too...
[05:25] Iyami
    Don't worry about picking them up.
[05:28] Kiku
    Huh?
[05:29] Iyami
    You should come with me.
[05:32] Iyami
    Me is also poor, but from now on,
    me will be on your side!
[05:36] Iyami
    Problem solved!
[05:51] Iyami
    What's your name, little girl?
[05:53] Kiku
    It's Kiku.
[05:55] Iyami
    Okiku-chan. What a pure name.
[05:58] Kiku
    What about you, mister?
[05:59] Iyami
    It's Iyami.
[06:01] Kiku
    What do you look like?
[06:06] Iyami
    A very handsome gentleman.
[06:09] Both
    You?
[06:12] Iyami
    Shoo! Shoo, shoo!
[06:16] Deka
    I see.
[06:19] Deka
    With the proper treatment,
    her eyes will recover just fine.
[06:24] Deka
    But the task is too great for me.
[06:26] Deka
    However, there is hope!
[06:29] Deka
    But I forgot what that hope was.
[06:33] Deka
    I'm just kidding!
[06:35] Deka
    There's only one way to cure
    this little girl's eyes!
[06:38] Deka
    You need to get the help of
    the famous American doctor
[06:41] Deka
    who's visiting Japan right now, Dr. Kershaw.
[06:43] Deka
    He might be able to use the latest
    technology from his homeland to help you.
[06:50] Deka
    But that's going to cost a fortune.
[06:54] Deka
    Do you have money?
[06:59] Iyami
    L-Leave it to me!
[07:03] Kiku
    Mister!
[07:06] Guy
    All right, all you losers out there.
[07:09] Guy
    Did someone important
    yell at you again today?
SIGN    Chibita Pro Wrestling
[07:12] Guy
    The bloody death match of Chibita
    Pro Wresting is about to begin.
[07:16] Guy
    If you can defeat this ultimate wrestler
    Chibita-san chose himself,
[07:18] Guy
    you can win one million yen!
[07:22] Guy
    But we haven't had a single victor yet.
[07:24] Guy
    When will someone appear
    to break that record?
[07:27] Guy
    And our contender tonight is...
[07:31] Guy
    this man!
[07:35] Chibi
    Yeah, that guy's dead.
SIGN    Prize Money
[07:38] Six
    Yeah, he is.
[07:40] Kiku
    You can do it, mister!
[07:43] Kiku
    Don't lose, mister!
[07:47] Chibi
    Wh-Who's that cutie?
[07:50] Chibi
    Hey! Who is she, you idjits?!
[07:52] Chibi
    And why is she cheering
    for a loser like that?
[07:56] Chibi
    What's their relationship?!
[07:56] Kiku
    You can do it!
[07:59] Guy
    And it's begun!
[08:03] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[08:07] Iyami
    Sheh! Sh-Sh-Sheh!
[08:14] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[08:28] Guy
    And there you have it.
[08:32] Iyami
    Special technique...
[08:34] Iyami
    Sheeeh Hold!
[08:38] Guy
    Oh, it looks like the tables have turned!
[08:40] Guy
    Is he going to give up?
    Will Iyami finally win the one million?
[08:45] Kiku
    Mister!
[08:47] Chibi
    Give me that!
[08:48] Chibi
    You pauper! Who do you think you are?!
[08:53] Iyami
    My eyes! My eyes!
[08:55] Iyami
    My eyes!
[09:05] Guy
    And this time, the match is over for good.
[09:10] Iyami
    Me is so mad! Me was so close!
[09:14] Iyami
    That stupid runt!
[09:16] Deka
    You just hit my head.
[09:18] Iyami
    Me can't see!
[09:21] Kiku
    Don't worry about me anymore, mister.
[09:25] Iyami
    You can't give up.
[09:27] Kiku
    Huh?
[09:28] Iyami
    Me now fully understands your pain.
[09:33] Iyami
    Me will cure your eyes, no matter what.
[09:37] Deka
    That's me.
[09:38] ---
    Thank you, mister!
[09:40] ---
    That's me.
SIGN    Fruit
SIGN    Starving Town
SIGN    Starving Town
SIGN    Fruit
[09:49] ---
    Sheeeh!
[09:50] Guy
    Iyami is actually...
[09:52] ---
    Sheeeh!
[09:53] Lady
    ...working?!
[09:55] ---
    Sheeeh!
[09:56] Guy
    He's doing actual work?!
[09:59] People
    Sheeeh!
[10:01] Toto
    I guess you just never know.
[10:04] Toto
    Because that failure met that little girl,
    he actually became a decent person.
[10:08] Guy
    That's amazing... I'm impressed.
[10:12] Chibi
    The hell's so great about that?
[10:14] Chibi
    Like he could ever earn the money
    for her treatment doing that.
[10:17] Chibi
    The one who's going to cure that girl's
    eyes is me, the filthy rich Chibita!
[10:21] Six
    You got it, bro!
[10:27] Kiku
    I don't want it.
[10:29] Chibi
    Wh-Why?!
[10:30] Chibi
    I really like you, so I want you
    to use it however you want!
[10:36] Kiku
    My beloved Uncle Iyami is going to fix my eyes.
[10:40] Oso
    Hey, come on, now.
[10:43] Oso
    You're just going to ignore Bro's kindness?
[10:46] Choro
    Not to mention, Chibita-san's
    way better than that poor—
[10:49] Chibi
    Knock it off!
[10:52] Chibi
    You actually believe in that guy?
[10:57] Kiku
    Yes.
[11:01] Chibi
    Sorry for wasting your time.
[11:04] Chibi
    Come on, fellas.
[11:05] Ichi
    Wait, are you sure?
[11:07] Choro
    Chibita-san!
[11:08] Jyu
    Bro!
SIGN    No
    Trespassing
SIGN    Ramen
[12:07] Iyami
    M-Me has now worked enough for a lifetime...
[12:13] Iyami
    Now me doesn't have to work ever again.
[12:17] Iyami
    Aren't you jealous?
[12:22] Kiku
    Mister...
[12:24] Iyami
    Use it.
[12:28] Kiku
    Thank you...
[12:29] Kiku
    Thank you so much!
[12:35] Deka
    I-It's not enough...
[12:38] Deka
    Considering your physical condition,
    I'm going to be honest.
[12:43] Deka
    This is nowhere near enough
    to cure Okiku-chan's eyes.
[12:51] Deka
    Even if I contribute my life savings...
[12:55] Deka
    I received a message earlier.
[12:57] Deka
    Dr. Kershaw will be leaving
    Japan tomorrow night.
[13:03] Deka
    So it's...
[13:11] Kiku
    Mister—
[13:12] Deka
    Hey!
[13:13] Deka
    You can't push yourself any further!
[13:24] Iyami
    Lend me some money, please! Me needs money!
[13:30] Iyami
    Me begs you!
[13:32] Iyami
    Help us! Please!
[13:34] Son
    Dad...
[13:34] Iyami
    Anybody, please! Help us!
[13:37] Lady
    It's not like I can do anything...
[13:40] Iyami
    Me is sorry for everything!
    Me is really sorry!
[13:44] Iyami
    So, please! Me needs money!
[13:50] Iyami
    Me wants money!
SIGN    Chibita Building
[14:13] All
    Bro!
SIGN    Starving Town
SIGN    Fruit
[14:33] Oso
    Who has time for this?
[14:35] Ichi
    Not me!
[14:36] Choro
    That stupid runt!
    Always treating us like trash.
[14:40] Choro
    Apparently he's coming to town
    with a ton of money again tonight.
[14:43] Todo
    A ton of money?
[14:45] Choro
    Yeah. One million, he said.
[14:46] Both
    One million?!
[14:48] Choro
    I hope someone just robs him blind!
[14:51] Ichi
    He's so tiny that if someone robbed him,
[14:52] Ichi
    they could probably run
    off with the money quick!
[14:54] Todo
    True!
[14:57] Todo
    Hey, when's he coming by?
[15:00] Choro
    Oh, I think he said...
[15:11] Iyami
    M-Money... G-Give me your money...
[15:15] Chibi
    Hey.
[15:15] Six
    Yes?
[15:17] Chibi
    He's not attacking at all.
[15:19] Chibi
    The heck's going on?
[15:21] Ichi
    He's really scared.
[15:22] ---
    Totally scared.
[15:23] Iyami
    Y-Your money...
[15:24] Todo
    Hey...
[15:25] Todo
    Wouldn't it have been easier to just
    give him the money, Chibita-san?
[15:29] Chibi
    You idjit! There'd be no point then!
[15:32] Chibi
    Okiku-chan wants him to cure her eyes!
[15:35] Chibi
    Osomatsu, go.
[15:36] Oso
    What?!
[15:37] Chibi
    We'll never get anywhere at this rate.
[15:40] chibi
    Put on some act so he can
    easily take this money.
[15:44] Oso
    What? Seriously?
[15:48] Iyami
    G-Give me your money!
[15:50] Oso
    A robber!
[15:52] Oso
    I'm scared! No!
[15:54] Chibi
    How bad are you?!
[15:55] Jyu
    A robber! I'm not gonna fight back!
[15:59] Jyu
    He can take all my money!
[16:00] Chibi
    You suck!
[16:02] Kara
    I give up. Just take this money
    and cure Okiku-chan's eyes.
[16:06] Chibi
    You're not supposed to say that, you idjit!
[16:09] All
    We're surrounded by idiots!
[16:11] Chibi
    Oh, forget this!
[16:15] Chibi
    Y-You got me!
[16:17] Six
    You got us!
[16:25] Chibi
    Okay, good. Now...
[16:30] Chibi
    He's already...
[16:36] Police
    What's wrong?
[16:36] Chibi
    It's the fuzz!
[16:39] All
    Oh, crap!
[16:42] Guy
    Th-That money! Did you...
[16:45] All
    No, no, no, no, no!
[16:47] All
    You've got the wrong idea!
[16:49] Popo
    There's a robber!
[16:51] All
    You've got it all wrong!
[16:55] Popo
    Stay back!
[16:57] Popo
    Leave this to us!
[17:01] Chibi
    H-How did it end up like this? Damn it!
[17:05] Chibi
    Someone save us!
[17:14] Guy
    You again?!
[17:15] Guy
    How dare you go...
[17:16] Guy
    ...stealing other people's stuff again?!
[17:18] Toto
    We're going to get you this time!
[17:20] All
    Iyami!
[17:25] Popo
    No, uh, it's okay now. We caught the robber.
[17:33] Popo
    H-Hey...
[17:34] Guy
    Just one moment. He's been a
    nuisance to us for a long time!
[17:38] Lady
    Let us get him back!
[17:40] Popo
    What are you—
[17:41] Dayon
    He dropped something.
[17:43] Popo
    Deal with that later.
[17:45] Popo
    It stinks!
[17:46] Hata
    Have some candy, jo.
[17:47] Popo
    Move!
[17:48] Toto
    You're so cute. Let's go on a date.
[17:51] Popo
    Hey...
[17:51] Guy
    Iyami!
[18:03] Chibi
    E-Everyone...
[18:08] Todo
    Iyami!
[18:10] Jyushi
    You have to hurry!
[18:11] Kara
    The doctor from America is
    leaving on the train, isn't he?
[18:13] Oso
    We can go deliver this money—
[18:16] Chibi
    No!
[18:18] Chibi
    Hey, get up.
[18:20] Chibi
    Run! Okiku-chan's waiting
    for you at the station!
[18:29] Chibi
    The hell?! You idjit!
[18:30] Chibi
    You promised her, didn't you?!
[18:51] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[19:03] Iyami
    The money's mine! Sheeeh!
[19:06] All
    Iyami!
[19:17] Popo
    There he is!
[19:18] Popo
    Hold it!
[19:39] ---
    Halt!
SIGN    Some Years Later
SIGN    Sunrise Cafeteria
SIGN    No Trespassing
SIGN    Iyami
SIGN    Iyami Flower Boutique
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
[23:39] Ichi
    You guys know this, don't you?
[23:41] Ichi
    You're not supposed to
    give chocolate to cats.
[23:43] Ichi
    This is really important.
[23:45] Ichi
    But you know...
[23:46] Ichi
    No one ever said you can't
    give me any chocolates.
SIGN    "Ventriloquism" "Valentine's Day" etc.
[23:50] Ichi
    Well?
[23:51] Ichi
    Well? Well?!

E19 - President Dekapan / Ventriloquism / Valentine's Day

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:04] Crowd
    Dekapan! Dekapan! Dekapan! Dekapan!
SIGN    Dekapan
[00:09] Crowd
    Dekapan! Dekapan! Dekapan! Dekapan!
[00:12] Deka
    I did it! I became the president!
[00:17] Deka
    I never thought I'd actually win.
[00:21] Deka
    I guess running in an election on a whim
    is worth trying now and then.
SIGN    Dekapan
[00:25] Deka
    I'm the new president, Dekapan.
SIGN    "President Dekapan"
[00:35] Todo
    Listen, President Dekapan.
[00:37] Todo
    This isn't the time to be so merry.
[00:39] Todo
    Being president means the people will
    expect you to carry out their wishes.
[00:44] Todo
    Then there's the prosperity of our nation,
    good relations with other countries...
[00:47] Todo
    Not to mention keeping
    an eye on world affairs.
[00:51] Todo
    Listen very carefully, Mr. President.
    Politics is basically a vessel.
[00:55] Todo
    Let me remind you again that
    popularity is everything.
[00:55] Sign
    Top Secret
[00:58] Todo
    But that doesn't just mean
    you have to be likable.
[01:01] Todo
    You need to have a broad perspective.
[01:04] Todo
    Please listen! I'll say this one more time!
[01:06] Todo
    Just because you became president,
[01:08] Todo
    this isn't the time to be so merry!
[01:12] Todo
    Are you listening, Mr. President?!
[01:14] Todo
    I mean, and let me say this
    again about politics...
[01:17] Todo
    Again, again, this isn't
    the time to be merry!
[01:21] Todo
    Being president means
[01:23] Todo
    the people will expect you
    to carry out their wishes.
[01:25] Todo
    Then there's the prosperity of our nation
    and good relations with other countries,
[01:29] Todo
    not to mention keeping
    an eye on world affairs...
[01:33] Todo
    Are you listening, Mr. President?!
[01:35] Todo
    What are you doing, Mr. President?!
[01:36] Deka
    What's that button for?
[01:38] Todo
    It does absolutely nothing.
[01:40] Deka
    I want to push it.
[01:41] Todo
    Absolutely not!
[01:43] Todo
    This button is just meant to be here.
[01:45] Todo
    Its sole purpose is to be here.
[01:48] Deka
    But I'm so curious.
[01:50] Deka
    I wanna push it.
[01:52] Deka
    Please?
[01:56] Todo
    All right, I get it.
[01:58] Todo
    Please just settle for this toy button.
[02:08] Deka
    This is so calming.
[02:13] Todo
    I guess you can be pretty cute
    sometimes, Mr. President.
[02:19] Todo
    I said no!
[02:20] Deka
    I wanna push it!
[02:21] Todo
    No!
[02:21] Deka
    Wanna push! Wanna push the button!
[02:25] Deka
    Let me push it!
[02:29] Todo
    You dumbass!
[02:36] Todo
    You can't be serious. Who the hell
    picked this guy to be president?
[02:40] Deka
    Is there no way you'll let me push it?
[02:42] Todo
    No means no!
[02:42] Deka
    Okay, I won't push it. But let me at
    least lick the very top of the button.
[02:48] Todo
    The hell?! What are you talking about?
[02:51] Deka
    Just the top.
[02:52] Todo
    Just the top?
[02:58] Todo
    Oh, all right.
[03:04] Deka
    This is so calming.
[03:08] Todo
    This is disturbing.
[03:11] Deka
    I-I can't hold back anymore!
[03:16] Todo
    I told you no, you cueball!
    You freak in underwear!
[03:19] Deka
    Just once!
[03:21] Todo
    And that once would end everything!
[03:23] Deka
    Let me push it!
[03:24] Todo
    No!
[03:25] Deka
    Let me do it!
[03:25] Todo
    No!
[03:26] Deka
    Just let me do it once!
[03:27] Todo
    No! Seriously, who the hell
    elected you president?!
[03:32] Both
    Oh.
[03:41] Todo
    Aw... There it goes.
[03:44] Deka
    I didn't get to push it.
[03:50] Todo
    Aw... And now it's coming back.
[03:53] Deka
    I really wanted to push it.
SIGN    End
SIGN    Ventriloquism
[05:30] Iyami
    Come one, come all!
SIGN    Ventriloquism
    Show
[05:34] Iyami
    We have a super fun
    ventriloquism show for you!
[05:37] Kid
    What's that?
[05:42] Iyami
    Let's start off with introductions.
[05:44] Chibi
    My name's Chibisuke!
[05:46] Hata
    My name's Hatarou.
[05:49] Chibi
    And the two of us are...
[05:50] Both
    Chibihata-chan.
[05:52] Chib
    Nice to meet ya.
[05:53] Hata
    Nice to meet you, jo.
[05:56] Kid
    That's amazing!
[05:57] Kid
    That guy's mouth isn't moving at all!
[05:59] Kid
    It's perfect ventriloquism!
SIGN    Viewing fee
[06:03] Chib
    So easy, you idjits!
    They totally fell for it.
[06:06] Iyami
    Children are the easiest to fool.
[06:10] Hata
    Ventriloquism is so fun, jo.
[06:16] Chib
    Hey, Hatarou-kun.
[06:18] Hata
    What is it, Chibisuke-kun?
[06:20] Chib
    What's your favorite food, Hatarou-kun?
[06:23] Hata
    Um...
[06:24] Iyami
    Oh, don't you like oden, Hatarou-kun?
[06:28] Chib
    Oden, huh?
[06:30] Chib
    Wait, that's mine. Get it right.
[06:33] ---
    Sheeeh!
[06:35] Iyami
    That hurt! Why'd you hit me, Hatarou-kun?
[06:39] Hata
    I'm not the one who hit you, jo.
[06:42] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[06:44] Iyami
    This is so confusing.
[06:46] Iyami
    Who's who, and who's talking right now?
[06:50] Both
    It's all you.
[06:52] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[06:54] Iyami
    Oh, that's right.
SIGN    Viewing fee
[07:02] Jyu
    This is awesome!
[07:04] Chib
    We're gonna have yakiniku tonight!
[07:06] Iyami
    Don't forget the
    all-you-can-drink beverages.
[07:08] Chib
    We'll add in dessert...
[07:09] Iyami
    ...and some bathing beauties.
[07:12] Hata
    Ventriloquism is so fun, jo.
[07:14] Hata
    Jo!
[07:16] Hata
    Jo, jo, jo... Jo...
[07:19] Hata
    I gotta pee, jo.
[07:21] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[07:23] Iyami
    What?!
[07:24] Hata
    I'm gonna pee!
[07:25] Iyami
    J-J-Just hold it.
    We're in the middle of a show.
[07:29] Chibi
    Now that you mention it...
[07:34] Chibi
    Now I need to poop, too.
[07:37] Iyami
    Sheeeh! Just hold it!
[07:41] Chibi
    It's coming! It's coming!
[07:43] Iyami
    Hey!
[07:47] Hata
    Jo...
[07:52] Chibi
    The hell...
[07:55] Iyami
    Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh...
[07:57] Iyami
    Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh...
[07:59] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[08:02] Kid
    That's awesome!
[08:03] Kid
    Did they all just speak at once?
[08:03] Bg
    Amazing!
[08:05] Kid
    I've never seen anything like this!
[08:11] Oil
    Oh, you look like you're having fun.
[08:16] Kid
    Hey, it's an oil magnate!
[08:19] Oil
    Sorry to keep you waiting.
    I'm the Oil Magnate.
[08:22] Oil
    Mr. Ventriloquist... Please display
    those amazing skills at my party.
[08:27] Oil
    I will pay you handsomely.
SIGN    Viewing fee
[08:31] All
    Sheeeh!
[08:34] Chibi
    All right! You idjits! Damn it!
[08:35] Hata
    This is mine, jo!
[08:37] Iyami
    Sheeeh! It belongs to me!
[08:39] Chibi
    Let go!
[08:40] Hata
    It's mine, jo.
[08:41] Iyami
    Whose idea do you think this was?!
[08:43] Chibi
    You didn't even do anything!
[08:45] Hata
    Mine!
[08:55] Three
    Yeah!
[08:56] Kid
    Who do you think you're messing with?!
[09:01] Jyu
    Damn it! They tricked me!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Valentine's Day"
SIGN    February
[10:40] Girl
    Did you make reservations for today?
[10:42] Girl2
    Yeah. This place is super popular,
    so it wasn't easy.
[10:46] Girl
    Thanks for doing that.
[10:51] Oso
    It's finally here... Valentine's Day.
[10:55] Oso
    Well, it's not like I want
    chocolate that bad, anyway.
[10:59] Oso
    Right, Choromatsu?
[11:01] Choro
    Of course I don't want any.
    We're adults now.
[11:04] Choro
    It's not like I'd get all excited about
    chocolate, nor do I like it that much.
SIGN    A lifestyle magazine for guys who want to graduate someday
SIGN    Collector's Issue
SIGN    Complete list of jackets to make you popular
SIGN    Just before Valentine's Day Special!!
[11:09] Choro
    I mean, we can just buy
    some chocolate anytime.
[11:13] Jyu
    Well said!
[11:14] Ichi
    Wow, you're so calm.
[11:16] Kara
    Don't make me fall for you, brother!
[11:21] Oso
    We don't need chocolate at our age, anyway.
[11:24] All
    Nope, we don't.
[11:26] Oso
    We don't want any, right?
[11:27] All
    Nope!
[11:31] Ichi
    So, what about you, Todomatsu?
[11:32] Todo
    Hmm?
[11:33] Ichi
    You haven't said a word.
    Do you want chocolate?
[11:38] Todo
    Of course I want some.
SIGN    News on How to Be Popular
    You'll definitely be popular if you read this!
    How to definitely get 5 Valentine's chocolates
[11:40] Todo
    True, I don't get excited about chocolate,
    nor do I like it that much...
SIGN    You definitely want to get chocolates from girls on Valentine's Day, but the reality is it's hard for loser guys to get any chocolate.
[11:46] Todo
    And I can buy it whenever I want.
[11:48] Todo
    But who doesn't want to get chocolates
    from a cute girl on Valentine's Day?
[11:56] Todo
    H-Huh... What?
[11:58] Oso
    Just say that you don't want any chocolate.
[12:01] Todo
    Huh? What do you mean?
[12:03] Oso
    I'm saying...
[12:05] Oso
    We were all just saying how
    we don't want any chocolate
[12:08] Oso
    to avoid thinking about the cruel reality.
[12:10] Oso
    This is like group self-defense.
[12:12] Todo
    What are you talking about?
[12:13] Todo
    Wait, then don't you guys want
    chocolates on Valentine's Day?
[12:17] Five
    Of course we do!
[12:18] Kara
    Totty! We want some so bad,
    we'd be willing to die for it!
[12:21] Kara
    That's why we're like this!
SIGN    Choromatsu Choco
[12:22] Choro
    I even want to change my name
    from Choromatsu to Chocomatsu!
[12:25] Jyu
    Chocomatsu!
[12:26] Todo
    Huh?
[12:27] Sign
    Today's question:
    How do you get
    Valentine's Day chocolates?
SIGN    Third issue:
    We ask our graduated
    senpai Shouei!
SIGN    "Now's the time to let it all out."
[12:28] Oso
    All right, that's it.
[12:30] Oso
    We'll never get any chocolates this way.
[12:34] Oso
    So I'm... going to go outside.
[12:37] All
    Go outside?!
[12:37] Oso
    I'm going to go outside and get
    some chocolate from some girl.
[12:41] Oso
    I'm definitely going to get some this year!
[12:46] Todo
    Me, too!
[12:47] Todo
    I'm going to go outside, too,
    and get some chocolates!
[12:50] Choro
    I'll go outside, too.
[12:51] Jyushi
    Me, too!
[12:52] Kara
    And me!
[12:54] Oso
    Ichimatsu.
[12:57] Ichi
    All right.
[12:58] Ichi
    Let's go out this Valentine's Day.
[13:03] Kara
    How about that? We're definitely
    different this year!
[13:07] Oso
    All right. Let's see who can
    get some chocolates first!
[13:11] Oso
    Go!
[13:12] Todo
    Wait, Osomatsu-niisan!
[13:15] Ichi
    No fair getting a head start.
[13:17] Jyu
    I'm not gonna lose!
[13:19] Kara
    I'm gonna get some chocolates!
[13:20] Choro
    Let's give it our all!
[13:28] All
    I'm definitely not going to lose!
[13:40] Guy
    Really?
[13:57] Choro
    We went outside...
[13:59] Choro
    But how are we supposed to get chocolates?
[14:04] All
    Oh, yeah!
[14:06] All
    Please! Give us some chocolates!
[14:08] Toto
    Please! I can't!
[14:10] All
    Please! Give us some chocolates!
[14:12] Toto
    I can't!
[14:13] All
    Chocolates!
[14:14] Toto
    Can't!
[14:15] All
    Chocolates!
[14:15] Toto
    Get a clue!
[14:16] All
    Chocolates!
[14:16] Toto
    Get a clue!
[14:18] All
    Chocolates!
[14:19] Toto
    Go home, you dumbasses!
[14:21] All
    Chocolates!
SIGN    Uochuu
SIGN    Valentine's Specials
[14:36] Oso
    M-Mom... C-Could you...
[14:40] Kara
    I-It's all over if we rely on Mother...
[14:52] Girl
    This is cute!
[14:53] Girl
    Yeah, it is!
[14:58] Girl
    This is homemade, so I don't
    know how good it is, but...
[15:02] Jyu
    Bring it on! Bring it on!
SIGN    Aida
SIGN    Sutabaa Coffee
SIGN    Sachiko
SIGN    Sutabaa Coffee
SIGN    Sutabaa Coffee
SIGN    Chocolate Wanted
SIGN    You can't have my cat
SIGN    Chocolate desired
SIGN    Chocolate
    wanted
[15:40] Oso
    Guys, how'd it go? Did you get any?
[15:51] Kara
    Damn it!
[15:53] Todo
    Damn it all!
[15:55] Oso
    I didn't get any again this year!
[15:57] Jyu
    Am I a monk or what?!
[15:58] Kara
    I seriously don't understand... I'm so cool.
[16:01] Choro
    All the girls in this world are stupid!
[16:04] Ichi
    Why did we even have any hope?
[16:07] Ichi
    Punishment!
[16:10] Jyu
    Ch-Chocolate... I want chocolate... Chocolate...
[16:15] Jyu
    Chocolate... chocolate...
[16:15] Todo
    Jyushimatsu-niisan?
[16:16] Todo
    That's not chocolate! That's dog shit!
[16:18] Jyush
    Chocolate! Chocolate... Chocolate!
[16:20] Todo
    That's dog shit! It's dog shit!
[16:28] Oso
    I'm... not giving up yet.
[16:31] Oso
    I'm definitely going to get
    some chocolate this year.
[17:07] Six
    So cute!
[17:09] ---
    It is cute.
[17:12] Six
    We did it!
[17:15] Six
    Yeah!
[17:17] Six
    It's done!
[17:18] Jyu
    Huge success!
[17:26] Kara
    Choromatsu.
[17:28] Kara
    Today's Valentine's Day.
[17:31] Kara
    Here.
[17:32] Choro
    What? For me?
[17:34] Kara
    Yeah.
[17:35] Kara
    I'm so much more confident because I have
    an uncool younger brother like you.
[17:42] Kara
    Thanks for everything.
[17:45] Choro
    You didn't have to.
[17:46] Jyushi
    Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!
[17:48] Ichi
    Jyushimatsu.
[17:50] Ichi
    Here.
[17:51] Jyu
    What?! For me?!
[17:53] Ichi
    In our daily boring, uneventful lives as NEETS,
[17:57] Ichi
    it's refreshing to have a
    psypath like you around.
[18:00] Ichi*
    Thanks for everything.
[18:02] Jyu
    You didn't have to.
[18:05] Oso
    Ichimatsu.
[18:08] Ichi
    For a guy like me?!
[18:09] Oso
    I'm pretty sure you'll never end up happier
    than me in life, which puts me at ease.
[18:16] Oso
    Thanks.
[18:19] Ichi
    Thanks...
[18:20] Jyu
    Karamatsu-niisan.
[18:22] Kara
    Wow, wow, wow!
[18:24] Jyu
    I'm really stupid,
[18:25] Jyu
    but I'm pretty sure you're a
    hundred times dumber than me!
[18:30] Jyu
    Thanks!
[18:31] Kara
    Oh, stop it.
[18:33] Choro
    Hey, you, Trashmatsu.
[18:36] Oso
    Finally!
[18:38] Choro
    When are you going to die?
    I'm waiting, you know.
[18:40] Oso
    You're too kind.
[18:42] Todo
    Hey, Totty!
[18:44] Todo
    What is it, Totty?
[18:46] Todo
    Here.
[18:47] Todo
    What? For me?!
[18:49] Todo
    Thank you for always being so cute.
[18:51] Todo
    You're so honest! Everyone loves you!
[18:54] Todo
    I love you.
[18:55] Todo
    I love you, too.
[18:58] Oso
    Well, let's dig in!
[19:00] All
    Let's dig in!
[19:04] Choro
    So good!
[19:06] Jyu
    Yum!
[19:07] Todo
    I'm in heaven!
[19:10] Oso
    This is the best!
[19:12] Oso
    Man, thank goodness! We actually
    got chocolates this year.
[19:17] All
    Yeah!
[19:18] Oso
    We're so popular!
[19:19] Five
    Yeah!
[19:20] Todo
    Thank goodness!
[19:29] Todo
    Thanks!
[19:31] Choro
    I'm finally Chocomatsu!
[19:32] Jyu
    So sweet!
[19:34] Ichi
    It is.
[19:37] Six
    So sweet!
[19:38] Six
    This is the best!
[19:47] Oso
    You're gross!
[19:49] Choro
    You're super gross!
[19:50] Todo
    This is too tragic!
[19:51] Ichi
    Don't look down on me, you bastard!
[19:53] Jyu
    Like you can talk!
[19:55] Kara
    Like you can talk!
[19:55] Jyu
    Boeh!
[20:16] Jyu
    Are there any guys with chocolate here?
[20:19] Five
    Anyone?
[20:21] Person
    They're currently 40% off...
[20:23] Jyu
    Are there any guys selling chocolate?
[20:26] Five
    Anyone?
[20:28] Jyu
    Are there any guys that'll
    sell us chocolate?
[20:31] Five
    Are there?
SIGN    Cote d'Ivoire
[20:48] Jyu
    Kill the cacao!
[20:50] Five
    Kill it!
[20:52] All
    Kill them all!
[20:54] Oso
    Die, cacao!
[20:56] Kara
    Die, cacao!
[20:57] Choro
    Take that!
[21:01] Todo
    Chocolate should just
    disappear from this world!
[21:04] Jyu
    Die, cacao!
[21:06] Five
    Die, cacao!
[21:08] Jyu
    Die!
[21:08] Five
    Die!
[21:10] Six
    Die, die, die!
SIGN    End
[22:45] Choro
    We ended up with extra time again.
    What the heck?
[22:50] Choro
    Well, let's do this.
[22:52] Choro
    Wait, it's these two?
[22:54] Toto
    Totoko...
[22:55] Nya
    ...and Nyaa's...
[22:56] Both
    ...delivery skit!
[22:57] Both
    The Story of Snow White That
    Doesn't Actually Get Anywhere.
SIGN    Delivery Skit
    The Story of Snow White
    That Doesn't Actually Get Anywhere
[23:04] Toto
    Now, I'm going to ask this
    mirror some stupid questions!
[23:09] Toto
    Mirror, mirror on the wall,
    who's the cutest of them all?
[23:14] Nya
    That'd be Snow White.
[23:16] Toto
    Huh?
[23:17] Nya
    Snow White. Not you.
[23:19] Toto
    Huh?! You've got some guts!
[23:21] Toto
    You better watch that mouth!
    Who the hell's the cutest girl in this world?!
[23:26] Nya
    I just told you, it's Snow White!
[23:28] Toto
    I just asked you who that is!
[23:29] Nya
    Snow White!
[23:30] Toto
    Who?!
[23:31] Nya
    Snow White!
[23:32] Toto
    Who?!
[23:33] Nya
    Snow White!
[23:34] Nya
    This story's never gonna get anywhere
    if you can't accept that!
[23:38] Toto
    Like I care, you dumbass!
[23:40] Choro
    Wait, wait, wait, wait...
[23:41] Choro
    Totoko-chan!
[23:43] Choro
    Nyaa-chan!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Tidbits Collection 2"

E20 - Tidbits Collection 2

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:05] Ann
    And now, what you've all been waiting for!
[00:07] Ann
    I wonder what's going to happen tonight.
[00:09] Ann
    The TV anime, Mr. Osomatsu!
[00:13] Iya
    Good evening, everyone!
[00:15] Crowd
    Good evening!
[00:17] Iya
    It's time for the anime, Mr. Osomatsu!
[00:21] All
    Sheh, sheh, sheh, sheh!
[00:23] All
    Sheeeh!
[00:27] Iya
    You're all on point tonight.
[00:31] Iya
    Now, here's tonight's guest: Dayon-san.
[00:35] Dayon
    I'm looking forward to it.
[00:36] ---
    Thanks for being here.
[00:38] Iya
    All right, let's get things going! Roll the clip!
[00:43] All
    Sheeeh!
SIGN    "Matsu Buns"
[02:18] Chibi
    Meat buns! They're hot and delicious!
SIGN    Hybrid
    
    Meat Buns
    
    Cards Accepted
[02:22] Chibi
    Try one!
[02:24] Chibi
    Oden's great, but you need to
    have meat buns once in a while.
[02:27] Chibi
    But they're no ordinary meat buns...
[02:30] Chibi
    I heard they sell, so I did
    a little collaboration.
[02:36] Chibi
    Ta-da! Sextuplet buns!
[02:41] Chibi
    What? No one's interested?
[02:45] Chibi
    The heck? This isn't what I heard.
[02:49] Chibi
    Guess they're not as popular anymore, idjits.
[02:53] Chibi
    Nah, it's too early to give up.
    You've gotta take a look inside.
[02:59] Chibi
    First, there's Oso-bun. Ta-da!
[03:04] Chibi
    It's filled with beer.
    It tastes super weird.
[03:07] Chibi
    Ichi-bun! Ta-da!
[03:11] Chibi
    It's filled with poison.
    If you eat it, you'll die instantly.
[03:14] Chibi
    Jyushi-bun! Ta-da!
[03:17] Chibi
    The universe. Eat it,
    and you'll be baked instantly.
[03:20] Chibi
    Kara-bun! Ta-da!
[03:23] Chibi
    There's nothing inside.
[03:25] Chibi
    Todo-bun! Ta-da!
[03:27] Chibi
    It's also empty!
[03:28] Chibi
    Choro!
[03:29] Chibi
    Nothing!
[03:35] Chibi
    Who in the hell...
[03:37] Chibi
    is going to buy meat buns
    like these, you idjits?!
SIGN    End
[03:39] Chibi
    You shitty NEETs!
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Tax Return"
[03:57] Jyu
    What are you doing, Choromatsu-niisan?
[04:00] Choro
    I'm filing my taxes.
[04:02] Jyu
    Huh?
[04:09] Jyu
    What'cha doin'?
[04:11] Choro
    I told you, I'm filing my taxes.
SIGN    All You Need to Do Your Taxes
[04:13] Jyu
    You're filing your taxes?
[04:15] Choro
    You have to do them around
    this time of year.
[04:17] Choro
    We're unemployed NEETs,
    so we have to at least file our taxes.
[04:21] Choro
    It's embarrassing if you don't.
[04:24] Jyu
    Filing your taxes...
[04:26] Jyu
    What does that mean again?
[04:27] Choro
    You don't know?!
[04:29] Jyu
    Yeah, I think I should know what it is,
    but I'm getting confused.
[04:33] Choro
    Honestly, you're so helpless.
[04:34] Choro
    When you file your taxes,
    you do something taxing, then file it.
[04:38] Jyu
    Huh?
[04:39] Choro
    First, you do something taxing,
    and then you file it.
[04:44] Jyu
    Huh?
[04:44] Choro
    I looked into it.
    There's a white form, a blue form,
SIGN    Heisei Year 29 Green Form
[04:50] Choro
    and, in my case, I use this green form.
[04:53] Choro
    Man, things just don't seem
    to be adding up, though.
[04:56] Choro
    I just want to hurry up and file this.
[04:58] Choro
    We're adults now,
    so we have to do these properly.
[05:01] Choro
    I mean, we don't have jobs,
    so we should at least do this.
[05:05] Choro
    I'm so responsible. So great.
[05:07] Choro
    All right, I'm gonna go ahead
    and get these taxes filed.
[05:11] Choro
    I'm so responsible! So proper!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Karapino"
[05:21] Guy
    Karapino.
[05:23] Guy
    Once upon a time, at a certain toy store,
    there was a boy doll named Karapino.
SIGN    Toy Store
[05:30] Guy
    Karapino was very proud of his nose,
    and he had a very unique feature.
SIGN    Toy Store
[05:38] Guy
    And that was...
[05:40] Girl
    Oh, a doll.
[05:42] Girl
    How cute!
[05:50] Guy
    Whenever Karapino got too excited,
    his branch down below would grow.
SIGN    End
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Wallet"
[06:03] Oso
    What the...?
[06:05] Oso
    My wallet's missing!
[06:06] Oso
    It's gone! The wallet I put right here is gone!
[06:09] Todo
    What? I haven't seen it.
[06:11] Oso
    I had 30,000 in there from
    winning at pachinko yesterday!
[06:15] All
    What?!
[06:17] Ichi
    30,000?!
[06:18] Jyu
    That much?
[06:22] Oso
    One of you took it, didn't you?
[06:23] All
    Huh?
[06:24] Oso
    You took my wallet, didn't you?!
[06:26] Oso
    Who was it? Fess up!
[06:27] Choro
    Wait, calm down. No one took it.
[06:30] Oso
    Yes, you did!
[06:31] Choro
    We didn't.
[06:32] Oso
    You did!
[06:32] Choro
    And I'm telling you, we didn't.
[06:34] Oso
    You liar! I mean, if I found a wallet with
    30,000 in it, I'd definitely take it!
[06:40] Choro
    Don't compare us to you, you dumbass!
[06:43] Oso
    That's enough. Just be
    honest and come forward.
[06:46] Oso
    I won't get mad.
[06:47] Oso
    Who took it?
[06:56] Oso
    Is that your ploy?
[06:59] Oso
    So you're all going to play dumb,
    and split the money later.
[07:03] Oso
    That's so cruel!
    I'm so disappointed in you guys!
[07:05] Oso
    If I'd taken it, I'd honestly say I did it!
[07:09] Oso
    You guys suck!
[07:11] Oso
    You guys aren't my brothers anymore!
[07:13] Oso
    Are you listening, you heartless
    bastards?! You scum!
[07:15] Oso
    This is exactly why no one gives you
    Valentine's chocolates! You idiots!
[07:18] Oso
    Morons! Die, you morons!
[07:21] Oso
    Morons!
[07:22] Kara
    Osomatsu!
[07:23] Oso
    What?!
[07:24] Kara
    Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...
[07:26] Oso
    What?!
[07:26] Kara
    It's in your back pocket.
[07:28] Oso
    Huh?!
[07:29] Kara
    It's in your back pocket...
[07:31] Oso
    Wha?
[07:36] Oso
    I had it all along!
[07:38] Oso
    And I said terrible things
    to those innocent bastards!
[07:42] Oso
    Oh, shit...
[07:43] Kara
    The hell are you doing?!
[07:45] Oso
    Well, if the tables were turned,
    I'd totally take the wallet!
[07:49] Oso
    I totally thought you guys took it!
[07:51] Kara
    Osomatsu, we're not like you.
[07:53] Oso
    You say that so calmly, but...
[07:56] Todo
    Osomatsu-niisan.
[07:58] Todo
    Here.
[08:00] Todo
    You can have this.
[08:01] Todo
    I didn't take your wallet, but I feel bad.
[08:05] Oso
    No, no, no! It's okay!
[08:06] Oso
    I can't take this.
[08:08] Todo
    Don't be shy.
[08:10] Ichi
    Me, too.
[08:10] Oso
    Huh?
[08:12] Ichi
    You can have my life savings.
[08:15] Oso
    No, really, it's okay! Give me a break!
[08:18] Choro
    You can sell part of my
    collection to a pawn shop.
[08:21] Oso
    Have mercy!
[08:22] Oso
    Please! It's okay!
[08:24] Jyu
    You can sell my glove and bat, too.
[08:26] Oso
    Stop!
[08:28] Oso
    I can't take this! My heart hurts!
[08:32] Oso
    I'm gonna die! Have mercy!
[08:33] Oso
    Really, it's okay! I'm sorry!
[08:36] Oso
    I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
[08:39] Kara
    And you only had 500 yen instead of 30,000!
[08:44] Oso
    I'm sho shorry!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Pollen"
[08:55] Oso
    Man, I'm so bored.
[08:56] Lady
    This week should be mostly sunny.
[08:58] Todo
    Yeah...
[09:00] Lady
    Next, we have information regarding pollen.
SIGN    How is the Japanese Cedar pollen this year?
[09:03] Lady
    The pollen this year
[09:05] Lady
    will be 8,000 times worse than last year.
[09:08] Both
    8,000 times?!
[09:09] Todo
    Huh?!
[09:21] Jyu
    It's coming in!
[09:23] Oso
    Why is it 8,000 times?!
    What the hell's going on, Earth?!
[09:28] Choro
    Hey! I can't see a thing!
[09:30] Choro
    Who are you?!
[09:31] Ichi
    Who are you?
[09:32] Choro
    I wanna go home! Where's home?
[09:33] Ichi
    Which way is it?
[09:35] Kara
    I'm home...
[09:56] Jyu
    My nose won't stop running. Help me!
[10:02] Kara
    Crap! My brain's gonna fly out!
[10:04] Kara
    It actually did!
[10:06] Choro
    My eyes itch!
[10:12] Choro
    That's much better!
[10:14] Todo
    My nose itches!
[10:19] Todo
    That's much better!
[10:20] Oso
    My dick itches!
[10:24] Todo
    I think that's a different sickness.
[10:26] Jyu
    My nose... My nose won't stop running!
[10:33] All
    Jyushimatsu!
[10:35] Oso
    Crap! Jyushimatsu turned into a snot man!
[10:37] Todo
    He totally turned into a snot man!
[10:40] Todo
    What the hell?!
[10:45] Oso
    Yeah, he can't move. You're basically
    finished once you end up like that.
[10:51] Oso
    Yeah, we can't hear you at all.
    You're basically finished, bro.
[10:57] Choro
    Ichimatsu!
[11:03] Kara
    Choromatsu!
[11:06] Todo
    Osomatsu-nii—
[11:08] Kara
    Totty!
[11:10] Kara
    H-How could this have happened, my brothers?
[11:13] Kara
    Just wait! I'll save you al—
[11:21] Jyu
    This might actually be better.
[11:25] All
    Yeah, it might be.
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Labyrinth"
[11:37] Toto
    Huh? A dead end?
[11:46] Toto
    Another dead end?
[11:53] Toto
    This is weird. I was just
    taking a walk a minute ago...
[11:57] Toto
    How did I end up in this labyrinth?
[11:59] Toto
    Did someone kidnap me?
[12:01] Toto
    Who would do such a thing, and why?
[12:07] Toto
    Choromatsu-kun!
[12:12] Toto
    That's not Choromatsu-kun! What is that?!
[12:16] Toto
    Hatabou!
[12:19] Toto
    What is this?!
[12:22] Toto
    No!
[12:24] Toto
    Someone! Someone save me!
[12:27] Toto
    Where's the exit? Where is it?
[12:30] Toto
    S-Someone! Save me!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Jyushimatsu the Raccoon"
[13:44] Todo
    There aren't any more, okay?!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Todomatsu
    Passes On"
[13:58] Todo
    Say, Karamatsu-niisan.
[14:00] Todo
    What is all that?
[14:01] Todo
    Talk about cringe.
[14:05] Todo
    You're too depressing, Ichimatsu-niisan.
[14:10] Todo
    What are you doing, Osomatsu-niisan?
[14:13] Todo
    Jyushimatsu-niisan...
[14:15] Todo
    What exactly are you trying to do?
[14:19] Todo
    Choromatsu-niisan, you're gross.
[14:22] Todo
    It's the middle of the night!
[14:24] Todo
    Too depressing!
[14:25] Todo
    Stop!
[14:27] Todo
    Enough!
[14:28] Todo
    Seriously!
[14:29] Todo
    Stop! Stop!
[14:32] Todo
    Argh! I just keep calling you people out!
[14:38] Todo
    Choromatsu-niisan!
[14:39] Todo
    You haven't been calling anyone out,
    so I've been stuck doing all of it!
[14:41] Todo
    I'm done! Let me do stupid
    stuff once in a while!
[14:43] Todo
    I want to derp! I'm going to derp!
[14:45] Todo
    Okay?! There!
[14:52] All
    What?!
[14:55] Todo
    Herpa derp derp.
[14:59] Ichi
    T-Todomatsu?
[15:00] Todo
    Derpty doo.
[15:02] Choro
    Todomatsu? We're sorry.
[15:04] Todo
    Derp.
[15:05] Choro
    No, really. We're sorry.
[15:07] Todo
    Derpa derp.
[15:08] Kara
    Todomatsu!
[15:09] Todo
    Derp?
[15:11] Five
    Todomatsu!
[15:13] Todo
    Herpa derpa derpity doo.
[15:16] Five
    Todomatsu!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    Akatsuka Bread
[15:25] Guy
    Well, hello, kids from Matsuno Kindergarten.
SIGN    6th Month of Cleanliness
[15:31] Kids
    Hello!
[15:33] Guy
    You'll be touring our bread factory today.
    Make sure you pay attention.
SIGN    "Field Trip"
[15:38] Kids
    Okay!
[15:40] Guy
    Okay, follow me. Make sure
    you pay close attention.
[15:43] Choro
    So cool!
[15:45] Todo
    So much bread!
[15:47] Guy
    Make sure you look carefully.
[15:49] Kara
    Hey! It's the bread we get at snack time!
[15:51] Oso
    You're right!
[15:52] Guy
    I hope you learn something.
[15:54] Jyu
    Wow, so that's how you make it!
[15:56] Choro
    I had no idea!
[15:58] Guy
    Look.
SIGN    Flour
[16:00] Kara
    Wow!
[16:00] Oso
    So cool!
SIGN    What is bread made of? -Wheat -Yeast -Water
[16:02] Todo
    We're learning stuff!
SIGN    Yummy Bread
SIGN    No Running
    in the Factory!
[16:14] Kids
    Bye-bye!
SIGN    Watch out for cars
[16:16] Guy
    All right, that ends our tour.
    Did you all learn how to make bread?
[16:21] Kids
    Yup!
[16:23] Guy
    What is bread made out of?
[16:25] Kids
    Flour!
[16:26] Guy
    What do you mix into the dough?
[16:28] Kids
    Yeast!
[16:29] Guy
    What does croissant mean?
[16:31] Kids
    Crescent moon!
[16:33] Guy
    Very good! You got them all right!
[16:35] Kids
    Yay!
[16:38] Kids
    Huh?
[16:40] Guy
    It looks like you kids learned too much.
[16:44] Kids
    Huh?
[16:46] Guy
    Now you're going to die.
[16:48] Kids
    What?!
[16:50] Oso
    B-But you told us to follow you, mister.
[16:54] Guy
    There are things you're better
    off not knowing in this world.
[16:57] Guy
    Teaching you that was the
    other goal of this field trip.
SIGN    End
[17:02] Kids
    What?!
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[17:10] Nar
    At times, they're NEETs!
SIGN    At times, they're NEETs!
[17:13] Nar
    At times, they're virgins!
SIGN    At times, they're virgins!
[17:16] Nar
    But their true identities
    are the heroes of justice!
[17:23] Nar
    Today they'll once again get into their
    iron Proper-Ranger and defeat evil!
[17:28] Oso
    Move out!
[17:29] All
    Absolute Heroes! Proper-Rangers!
SIGN    Absolute Heroes
    Proper-Rangers
SIGN    Proper-Rangers! Move out!
[17:39] Todo
    So bored...
[17:40] Oso
    Yeah...
[17:54] Iya
    Sheeeh!
[18:01] Iya
    Sheeeh!
[18:08] Oso
    Hey, guys! We need to move
    out in our Proper-Ranger!
[18:11] All
    Roger!
[18:28] Song
    We still can't get enough
[18:30] Song
    Of dreams, love, and desires
[18:33] Song
    It's not just all about justice and courage
[18:39] Song
    The established regularity
    of the world will sustain us
[18:45] Song
    The overflowing power we're
    unleashing is proper!
[18:54] Toto
    Aren't the Proper-Rangers here yet?
[18:56] Song
    Properly combine
[18:59] Song
    Properly attack
[19:01] Song
    We'll change everything
    ourselves if we have to
[19:07] Song
    We're going to get our
    hands on a proper future
[19:13] Song
    With our proper lives
[19:35] Iya
    Sheeeh!
[19:37] Toto
    What's taking so long?!
[19:54] Song
    Properly transform
[19:56] Song
    Properly take off
[19:58] Song
    So we can take hold of our proper future
SIGN    End
SIGN    Absolute Heroes
    Proper-Rangers
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Skeleton"
[20:27] Guy
    This is the qualifier for the men's skeleton.
[20:33] Guy
    Matsuno Osomatsu. He's known for his
    performance in the latter half of his run.
SIGN    Blondie Cup
    Previous Records
    Akatsuka Cup: Last place
    Oden Cup: Last place
    Otsu Cup: DNF
    Sheeeh Cup:
    Prohibited from entering
[20:39] Guy
    What kind of run will he show us today?
[20:43] Guy
    He's about to begin.
[21:00] Guy
    Uh-oh.
[21:03] Guy
    Oh, dear...
[21:05] Guy
    Oh, that's not good.
[21:08] Oso
    My nipples!
[21:10] Oso
    My nipples!
[21:12] Oso
    My dick! My dick!
[21:36] Guy
    Right, so... Our winner is Karapino.
SIGN    End
[21:39] Kara
    I did it!
[23:17] Iya
    That's it for this week's Mr. Osomatsu.
[23:20] iyA
    So, what did you think?
[23:24] Dayo
    It was so-so.
[23:26] All
    Sheeeh!
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
[23:31] Todo
    Todomatsu here.
[23:33] Todo
    Next week's story is "NEET Correctional Facility,"
    but can we just not talk about that?
[23:38] Todo
    I just want avert my eyes from
    reality as much as possible.
[23:41] Todo
    I want to hide in the shadows
[23:43] Todo
    of the other five and completely
    ignore how much of a loser I am!
[23:47] Todo
    Shit! Shit! You dumbasses!
SIGN    "BANANA" "NEET Correctional Facility" etc.
[23:49] Todo
    Whoops! I lost my composure there.
    Everything I just said was a lie.

E21 - BANANA, NEET Correctional Facility, etc.

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Chinese Cafeteria Himatsuya
SIGN    Jigae Pot
SIGN    "The Late Night Himatsuya"
[00:11] Guy
    Paid in exact change.
[00:14] Guy
    Thanks, come again.
[00:25] Kara
    Man, we're wasted.
[00:27] Todo
    Yes, we are, Karamatsu-niisan.
[00:30] Kara
    Hey, who are you calling "Charisma-niisan"?
[00:34] Todo
    Yeah, I didn't say that.
[00:37] Todo
    Hey, I want to order.
    Can you push the button?
[00:39] Kara
    Got it.
[00:41] Jyu
    Ding dong!
[00:45] Oso
    Hey, you're not the button. You're Jyushimatsu!
[00:49] Todo
    I can't breathe!
[00:51] Choro
    Hey, what's so funny?
[00:54] Choro
    I don't get it at all.
[00:56] Jyu
    You don't?
[00:58] Choro
    I don't.
[00:59] Choro
    Ding dong!
[01:02] Choro
    Now I'm the button! I'm the button!
SIGN    Pepper
[01:09] Oso
    Man, that was fun. Should we head home?
[01:13] Kara
    Yeah, I guess we should.
[01:15] Ichi
    We need to get our check, then.
[01:22] Ichi
    Our check...
[01:25] Ichi
    We need to get our check...
[01:27] Oso
    So what do we have to do
    to get our check, Ichimatsu?
[01:31] Ichi
    Huh?
[01:32] Oso
    Come on, tell me, Ichimacchan!
    What do we have to do?
[01:36] Ichi
    Push the button.
[01:38] Kara
    Ding dong!
[01:43] Ichi
    Ding dong.
[01:44] Oso?
    Ding dong!
[01:46] Todo
    My stomach hurts! Please stop!
[01:49] Todo
    Ding dong!
[01:52] Jyu
    So much fun!
[01:54] Guy
    Hey!
[01:56] Guy
    Shut up.
[02:02] Oso
    We got in trouble...
[02:05] Jyu
    Ding dong!
[02:08] Kara
    Just don't.
SIGN    End
SIGN    Shibuya Station
[03:51] Tottymi
    What am I going to do?
[03:53] Totty
    I work and work, but can't
    seem to save any money.
[03:57] Totty
    I wonder if there's some job I can do for
    a little while and make lots of money.
[04:01] Totty
    I want to turn the tables!
[04:08] Song
    B! N! N! Banana
[04:10] Song
    B! N! N! Banana
SIGN    We'll support your money-loving lifestyle
SIGN    Get paid under the table!
SIGN    Super high income! Check out our available positions
[04:11] Song
    Banana banana banana
[04:14] Song
    Banana banana, strike it rich
SIGN    We'll support your money-loving lifestyle
[04:17] Song
    Banana banana make money quick
SIGN    Super high income!
SIGN    Get paid under the table!
[04:20] Song
    Stupidly, stupidly high income
[04:23] Song
    Banana!
[04:23] Song
    Banana banana make money quick
[04:26] Song
    Get a stupidly stupid
    amount under the table
[04:29] Song
    Banana!
[04:29] Totty
    Wow! Maybe I can turn the tables after all!
[04:29] Song
    Let's find a part-time job
[04:31] Song
    Banana!
[04:32] Song
    Let's get ahead of everyone
[04:39] Ichi
    All right, let's start the interview.
SIGN    Kitty Shack
[04:43] Ichi
    Good evening. I'm Ichimatsu, the manager.
[04:45] Ichi
    Pleasure to meet you.
[04:47] Totty
    S-Sir, thank you for having me.
[04:52] Ichi
    Are you nervous?
[04:55] Ichi
    Could this be your first time
    working in a place like this?
[04:59] Totty
    Um... Yes.
[05:02] Ichi
    Don't worry.
[05:03] Ichi
    It might be a little rough at first,
    but you'll get used to things quickly.
[05:07] Totty
    Really?
[05:09] Ichi
    Yes. Now, why don't we have you change?
[05:12] Totty
    Yes, sir! I'll do my best.
[05:15] Ichi
    Here you go.
[05:16] Totty
    I can't! There's no way I can wear that!
[05:19] Ichi
    Then what about this?
[05:20] Totty
    I can't! No way!
[05:23] Ichi
    Then how about this?
[05:24] Totty
    No way! More importantly,
    what's the theme here?
[05:27] Totty
    Is this really what the customers want?
[05:30] Ichi
    Well, there are all kinds
    of people in this world.
[05:34] Totty
    Y-Yes, but...
[05:36] Ichi
    Just so you know...
[05:38] Ichi
    These are the services
    we provide at our shop.
SIGN    One-shot Jokes
    Oogiri
    Impressions
    What's in the Box?
    Bungee Jumping
    Kissing a Wild Alligator
SIGN    One-shot Jokes
[05:43] Ichi
    One-shot jokes.
SIGN    Oogiri
[05:44] Ichi
    Oogiri.
SIGN    Impressions
[05:45] Ichi
    Impressions.
SIGN    What's in the Box?
[05:46] Ichi
    What's in the box?
SIGN    Bungee Jumping
[05:48] Ichi
    Bungee jumping.
[05:49] Ichi
    Kissing a wild alligator.
SIGN    Kissing a Wild Alligator
[05:51] Totty
    I can't! I can't do any of those!
[05:54] Ichi
    You'll get used to it.
[05:55] Totty
    I won't! This isn't what I imagined at all!
[06:00] Totty
    No way! I can't!
[06:04] Totty
    I can't!
[06:06] Totty
    I-I can't!
[06:11] Totty
    Sir...
[06:12] Totty
    I don't think I'm cut out
    for this job after all.
[06:16] Ichi
    That's what everyone says at first,
    but don't you worry.
SIGN    Hot
    Mustard
[06:21] Ichi
    You'll get used to it.
[06:22] Totty
    No! This isn't what I wanted to do!
[06:27] Totty
    That's right. What I wanted to do is...
SIGN    Money
[06:34] Oso
    I'm so bummed.
[06:36] Jyu
    Same.
[06:37] Oso
    We're way too broke.
[06:40] Oso
    The wage gap is too steep.
[06:42] Jyu
    Totally want to turn the tables.
[06:45] Song
    B! N! N! Banana
[06:45] Both
    Wow!
[06:46] Song
    B! N! N! Banana
SIGN    Sutabaa Coffee
[06:48] Song
    Banana banana banana
[06:51] Song
    Banana banana, strike it rich
[06:54] Song
    Banana banana make money quick
[06:57] Song
    Stupidly, stupidly high income
[06:59] Song
    Banana!
[07:00] Song
    Banana banana make money quick
[07:03] Song
    Get a stupidly stupid
    amount under the table
[07:05] Song
    Banana!
[07:06] Song
    Let's find a part-time job
[07:08] Song
    Banana!
[07:09] Song
    Let's get ahead of everyone
[07:11] Song
    Banana!
[07:12] Song
    Overseas vacations, brand bags
[07:13] ---
    Wow!
[07:15] Song
    Spas, nails, gourmet, condos, way too fancy
[07:18] Song
    It can't be true... Yes it can, banana!
[07:24] Song
    Hey!
[07:24] Song
    Banana banana make money quick
[07:27] Song
    Stupidly, stupidly high income
[07:29] Song
    Banana!
[07:30] Song
    Banana banana make money quick
[07:33] Song
    Get a stupidly stupid
    amount under the table
[07:35] Song
    Banana!
[07:36] Song
    Let's find a part-time job
[07:38] Song
    Banana!
[07:39] Song
    Let's get ahead of everyone
[07:41] Song
    Banana!
[07:42] Song
    Overseas vacations, brand bags
[07:45] Song
    Spas, nails, gourmet, condos, way too fancy
[07:48] Song
    It can't be true... Yes it can, banana!
SIGN    The Ultimate Sentai Show VS Virgin Rangers
[07:53] Song
    Hey!
[07:57] Song
    B! N! N! Banana
SIGN    Akatsuka Hall
SIGN    Spring Tour
SIGN    Arena
[07:58] Song
    B! N! N! Banana
[08:00] Song
    Banana banana banana
[08:03] Song
    Banana banana, strike it rich
[08:06] Song
    Banana banana make money quick
[08:09] Song
    Stupidly, stupidly high income
[08:11] Song
    Banana!
[08:12] Song
    Banana banana make money quick
[08:15] Song
    Get a stupidly stupid
    amount under the table
[08:18] Song
    Banana!
[08:18] Totty
    Yay!
[08:18] Song
    Same day super celebrity
[08:19] Totty
    I was able to turn the tables!
[08:21] Song
    Let's get ahead of everyone
SIGN    End
SIGN    "NEET Correctional Facility"
[08:25] Sales
    Hello, it's your neighborhood salesman.
[08:32] Sales
    I'm terribly sorry to show up unannounced.
[08:36] Sales
    Please take this high-class pound
    cake from the Grand Hat Hotel
[08:39] Sales
    as a token of my apology.
[08:43] Sales
    You see, I just happened to hear a rumor
[08:46] Sales
    that you happen to have six NEETs
[08:48] Sales
    who absolutely refuse to work
    no matter how old they get.
[08:53] Sales
    That must be hard. You have my sympathies.
[08:56] Dad
    R-Right...
[08:58] Sales
    So I was wondering if you'd be willing
[09:01] Sales
    to try sending them to a facility
    that we created. It's called...
[09:05] Sales
    "We'll immediately change
    any failure of a human being!
[09:08] Sales
    The NEET correctional facility: NEETZAP."
[09:13] Sales
    Oh, don't worry.
[09:15] Sales
    There's nothing shady about our facility.
[09:17] Sales
    We call all the children
    we take in our friends.
[09:21] Sales
    We truly treat them as friends.
SIGN    Probability of finding a job after graduation
[09:23] Sales
    Many of our graduates go back
    out into society and do great!
SIGN    (According to our research)
[09:27] Sales
    You just have to leave them
    with us for two years!
SIGN    Life
SIGN    90 years' worth
SIGN    (2 years' worth)
[09:29] Sales
    Just two years, and they'll be reformed!
SIGN    2 years
SIGN    Special time offer!
[09:31] Sales
    And right now, we have a
    sales campaign going on!
SIGN    NTNT Campaign!
SIGN    1 NEET only
[09:33] Sales
    We'll take in one of your NEETs free of charge!
SIGN    Yen
[09:36] Sales
    Well, what do you think?
[09:38] Sales
    I'm sure you might have some reservations,
    but it's not a bad deal.
[09:41] Sales
    Be brave, and give us a try!
[09:46] Dad
    You can't be serious.
[09:48] Dad
    It's true that all of our kids are NEETs,
[09:51] Dad
    but there's no way we could send one of our
    sons to your crazy facility for two years.
[09:54] Dad
    Right, dear?
[09:56] Mom
    Could you tell us more about this facility?
[09:58] Dad
    What?!
[09:59] Dad
    D-Dear!
[10:04] Sales
    Well, I'll be looking forward
    to a positive answer.
[10:07] Sales
    I know you love your sons very much.
[10:08] Sales
    Farewell!
[10:15] Dad
    You want to send one of our
    kids to that facility?
[10:18] Dad
    What are you thinking?
[10:22] Dad
    Matsuyo?
[10:24] Mom
    Well...
[10:27] Mom
    This pound cake...
[10:29] Mom
    is one of my absolute favorites!
[10:31] Dad
    You're sacrificing one of our
    sons for that? You're awful!
[10:34] Mom
    I'm joking.
[10:36] Mom
    But I'm serious about the facility.
[10:39] Mom
    I think it might be worth considering.
[10:43] Dad
    Huh?
[10:44] Mom
    I've been thinking lately
[10:47] Mom
    that maybe they turned out
    that way because of me.
[10:54] Mom
    "Hurry up and find a job
    and become independent."
[10:57] Mom
    I say that, but I'm still too
    nice when it comes to them.
[11:00] Mom
    In the end, I let them get away with anything.
[11:03] Mom
    At this rate, they'll never change.
[11:06] Mom
    I need to be stricter with them.
[11:09] Mom
    If we send one of them to the facility,
    something might change.
[11:13] Mom
    I'm okay with them hating me,
    as long as it helps them.
[11:18] Dad
    Dear, you'd go that far?
[11:22] Mom
    And let me just say this...
[11:26] Mom
    If there were only three of them,
    it'd be pretty lonely, and I may even feel guilty,
[11:32] Mom
    but we have sextuplets!
[11:34] Mom
    We have six of them!
[11:36] Mom
    Even if we sent one off,
    I don't think we'd really notice!
SIGN    Because we have sextuplets, even if we sent one off, we really wouldn't notice
[11:43] Dad
    Well, I mean, even five is a lot.
[11:48] Mom
    I said that so confidently,
[11:50] Mom
    but having to actually pick one of
    these kids to go is pretty hard.
[11:55] Mom
    I'd like to let the good ones stay,
    and choose the worst.
[12:04] Mom
    Which ones are the good sons?
    Who's the bad son?
[12:09] Mom
    I just don't know...
[12:12] Oso
    Mom, I want to go play pachinko.
[12:14] Oso
    Got any extra cash, by any chance?
[12:17] Kara
    Mommy, when are you going
    to buy me this bike?
[12:21] Ichi
    Huh? Is it good?
[12:23] Ichi
    It's okay, I guess.
[12:25] Jyu
    Mom, I wet the bed!
SIGN    Expensive
[12:28] Todo
    Mom, I borrowed your toner,
    so could you buy more?
[12:32] Mom
    I don't have a good son to begin with!
[12:35] Mom
    All of you should go to
    the facility, you morons!
[12:40] Mom
    It's no use. They're all worthless.
[12:43] Mom
    I was right after all.
[12:46] Mom
    Now is the time for tough love!
[13:00] Choro
    Y-You're sending one of us
    to a correctional facility?
[13:04] Mom
    Yes.
[13:05] Choro
    J-Just to make sure, I'm not the one
    you're sending to this facility, am I?
[13:18] Mom
    No, you're safe, Choromatsu.
[13:19] Choro
    Oh, thank God! That's not good for my heart!
[13:22] Choro
    Safe! Choro-chan is safe!
[13:24] Mom
    I want you to hear me out.
[13:26] Choro
    Hear you out?
[13:28] Choro
    Oh, I see...
[13:31] Choro
    That's why you brought up this facility.
[13:33] Choro
    I didn't know you were facing
    such a hard decision.
[13:36] Mom
    This is a last resort.
[13:38] Choro
    All right. I'll throw out
    any pity and help you out.
[13:41] Choro
    So we just have to pick which one of
    these guys we're going to part with?
[13:46] Mom
    Yes. They're all so awful,
    I just can't seem to make up my mind.
[13:50] Mom
    Tell me what you think as their brother.
[13:53] Choro
    Well, as one of the brothers...
[13:56] Choro
    It's definitely him.
[13:57] Mom
    Oh, my. I never thought
    you'd decide so quickly.
[14:00] Choro
    There's absolutely no hesitation.
[14:02] Mom
    What? But Osomatsu's... How do I put it?
[14:04] Mom
    He basically defines you sextuplets.
[14:07] Mom
    If he's out of the picture,
    it'd be hard to understand what's going on.
[14:10] Choro
    No, no, speaking for the sextuplets,
    it'd be the most peaceful with him gone.
[14:15] Choro
    Ask all the others, and they'll probably
    all point to his picture at once.
[14:19] Mom
    Really?
[14:20] Choro
    Really.
[14:21] Mom
    I really thought you were
    going to pick this one.
[14:26] Choro
    Ah.
[14:28] Choro
    Well, yeah...
[14:30] Mom
    I mean, you're always getting mad
    at him. He's annoying, right?
[14:33] Choro
    Well, he is, but he hasn't
    actually done anything wrong.
[14:37] Choro
    So, speaking for the sextuplets,
    there's no problem with keeping him.
[14:40] Mom
    Oh, really?
[14:42] Mom
    I guess he can stay, then.
[14:43] Choro
    What about you, Mom?
[14:46] Choro
    Who do you think should go?
[14:48] Mom
    U-Um... But that's just it.
[14:51] Choro
    If you had to choose.
[14:52] Mom
    If I had to choose...
[15:03] Mom
    I-I think this one, or this one.
[15:05] Choro
    Really? Ichimatsu or Todomatsu?!
[15:08] Mom
    Shh! You're too loud!
[15:09] Choro
    Wait, but why?!
[15:10] Mom
    I can't tell if they really love me...
[15:13] Choro
    Ah...
[15:15] Mom
    And I can't really find anything
    positive about keeping them.
[15:18] Choro
    I see.
[15:19] Mom
    W-Wait, did I just say something awful?!
[15:21] Choro
    You did. Actually,
    you've been pretty awful all day.
[15:24] Choro
    But that's fine. This is your
    chance to let it all out.
[15:28] Choro
    By the way, what about this one?
[15:33] Both
    No, no, no! Not a chance!
[15:34] Both
    I can't imagine having someone
    else take care of this one!
[15:38] Choro
    Right?
[15:39] Mom
    Exactly.
[15:40] Choro
    It's not that we want to keep him,
    but we don't have a choice.
[15:43] Mom
    Right.
[15:45] Choro
    So, what are you going to do?
    Which one are we parting with?
[15:48] Mom
    What? Hmm...
[16:00] Mom
    Then...
[16:01] Choro
    Whoa, seriously?!
[16:02] Mom
    I'll go along with the other sextuplets' opinion.
[16:05] Mom
    Not to mention, if he's gone,
    I do think the rest of you might change.
[16:10] Choro
    It's decided?
[16:11] Mom
    Yes.
[16:12] Choro
    So we're parting ways with Osomatsu?
[16:14] Mom
    Yes, Osomatsu.
[16:17] Choro
    All right. I'll go get him, then.
[16:21] Mom
    Wait!
[16:24] Mom
    What should I do?
[16:26] Choro
    Uh, about what?
[16:27] Mom
    Osomatsu, huh?
[16:29] Mom
    Really? Osomatsu?
[16:29] Choro
    Seriously, what is your deal?
[16:32] Mom
    I'm going to hold off on Osomatsu after all.
[16:33] Choro
    Huh? You changed your mind?
[16:35] Mom
    Yes.
[16:35] Choro
    Okay, so who's it going to be?
[16:38] Mom
    Huh? Um...
[16:41] Mom
    This one.
[16:42] Choro
    Karamatsu?
[16:43] Mom
    Yes.
[16:45] Choro
    Final answer?
[16:45] Mom
    Final answer.
[16:46] Choro
    Okay. I'll go get him.
[16:49] Mom
    Wait.
[16:50] Choro
    Huh?
[16:52] Choro
    Mom?!
[16:53] Choro
    Seriously, what is your deal?!
[16:57] Choro
    Mom!
[16:58] Mom
    I'm getting sick of this!
[16:59] Choro
    Huh?!
[17:00] Mom
    I know I'm the one who brought this up,
    but actually having to pick one...
[17:04] Mom
    I'm so sick of this!
[17:06] Choro
    Mom!
[17:07] Choro
    Calm down! You're the one
    who brought this up!
[17:11] Mom
    R-Right... I'm the one who brought
    all of this up in the first place...
[17:16] Mom
    I was about to go soft again.
[17:18] Mom
    Thanks, Choromatsu-kun.
[17:19] Choro
    No problem.
[17:21] Choro
    What about this one?
[17:22] Mom
    Ichimatsu? No!
[17:25] Choro
    Then what about him?
[17:26] Mom
    Todomatsu? No, no!
[17:29] Choro
    What about him?!
[17:29] Mom
    I said no!
[17:31] Mom
    But he's such a good character!
[17:34] Mom
    But he's so cute!
[17:36] Mom
    He's such a good boy!
[17:37] Mom
    I can't! I just can't!
[17:39] Mom
    I just can't choose!
[17:42] Choro
    Matsuyo! Get a friggin' grip, Matsuyo!
[17:46] Mom
    I'm going to be honest.
[17:48] Mom
    Even if you're all just lazing around
    every day, or NEETs, I don't care.
[17:53] Mom
    I actually don't care at all.
[17:55] Choro
    What?! That's some confession!
[17:58] Choro
    This goes against everything!
[17:59] Choro
    Why did we waste all this time, then?
[18:02] Mom
    It all just came out, but I meant it.
[18:04] Mom
    As long as you're all doing well,
    that's all that matters. I don't care at all.
[18:08] Choro
    Oh, come on! You're the one
    who brought all of this up!
[18:13] Mom
    You're right! I was going soft again!
[18:16] Mom
    I have to choose one!
[18:18] Choro
    Is this ever going to end? Well, Mom?!
[18:21] Mom
    Ugh! What am I supposed to do?!
[18:25] Mom
    Oh, I know.
[18:26] Mom
    You go, then.
[18:27] Choro
    What?! Now it's me?
[18:30] Choro
    Why?!
[18:30] Mom
    I guess not. Then we'll
    have your father decide.
[18:33] Choro
    Huh?!
[18:34] Mom
    No, maybe I'm the one who needs
    to go to some kind of facility.
[18:38] Choro
    Mom! You're not making any sense!
[18:39] Choro
    Calm down!
[18:41] Choro
    Mom!
[18:45] Kara
    So, how'd it go?
[18:47] Todo
    Who's it going to be?
[18:48] Oso
    Choromatsu!
[18:49] Jyu
    Choromatsu-niisan!
[18:50] Ichi
    Well?
[18:51] Choro
    In the end...
[18:52] Choro
    Mom just couldn't decide.
[18:57] Ichi
    Oh, thank goodness.
[18:58] Todo
    So everything's on hold.
[18:59] Oso
    We're just barely safe.
[19:00] Jyu
    Safe, safe!
[19:01] Kara
    We're saved.
[19:03] Choro
    Well, I guess this is the best choice.
[19:07] Dad
    I'm home.
[19:08] Six
    Dad!
[19:10] Dad
    Something wrong?
[19:11] Jyu
    What's this about a correctional facility?
[19:13] Dad
    Oh, that.
[19:18] Dad
    I spent all day thinking about it at work,
[19:21] Dad
    but it's just silly to think about
    sending one of you off
[19:25] Dad
    to a facility for two years.
[19:27] Dad
    Still, I decided that you
    need some tough love.
[19:30] Six
    Huh?
[19:31] Dad
    Starting tomorrow, three of you
    will be going to the facility.
[19:40] All
    What?!
[19:41] Ichi
    Three of us?!
[19:42] Oso
    Why is it more now?!
[19:43] Dad
    Well, if we want to make our family
    better, we need this resolve.
[19:48] Kara
    Better?! No, that betterment
    isn't necessary, Daddy!
[19:51] Dad
    Now, then.
[19:52] Dad
    Which three of you should I choose?
[19:58] Oso
    D-D-D-D-Dad! I'll give you this!
[20:00] Oso
    A coupon for a hostess club!
[20:02] Dad
    What? Really?
[20:03] Dad
    Osomatsu gets 100 points!
[20:04] Oso
    All right!
[20:05] Jyu
    Dad, you can have this
    ticket to a baseball game!
[20:08] Dad
    Jyushimatsu gets 50 points!
[20:09] Jyu
    Yay!
[20:10] Choro
    Dad, you can have this idol photobook.
[20:12] Dad
    100 points!
[20:13] Choro
    Yass!
SIGN    Softshell Turtle
[20:14] Kara
    Daddy, use this!
[20:17] Dad
    Nice, my son!
[20:18] Kara
    One more.
[20:19] Dad
    Great, my son!
[20:20] Kara
    One more!
[20:21] Dad
    50,000 sun! Karamatsu doesn't have to go!
[20:25] Ichi
    Dad, here's the URL to a free porn site.
[20:28] Dad
    One million points! You don't have to go!
[20:30] Ichi
    Thanks!
[20:31] Todo
    Dad, I'm sorry.
[20:32] Dad
    Huh?
[20:33] Todo
    I don't have anything to
    give you like the others.
[20:37] Todo
    But you know...
[20:38] Todo
    Since I always had you to look up to,
[20:41] Todo
    I know I'll grow up to be
    a great man like you.
[20:42] Todo
    Thanks for everything.
[20:44] Dad
    A hundred million points!
    You get to be a NEET for life!
[20:47] Todo
    Yass! Don't you dare
    underestimate Totty, damn it!
[20:49] Oso
    All right, you guys!
[20:51] Oso
    Let's show Dad how much we appreciate him!
[20:55] ---
    Yeah!
[20:56] Six
    Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!
[20:59] Dad
    Don't worry! Don't worry, my little NEETs!
[21:02] Dad
    Your father is so happy!
[21:14] Mom
    We're such a strange family.
    What am I going to do with all of you?
[21:19] Mom
    More importantly, when are
    you all going to get jobs?
[21:23] Mom
    Honestly, you stupid little NEETs!
[21:28] Choro
    Ow! What are you doing, Mom?
[21:30] Todo
    Come on, Mom.
[21:31] Jyu
    What're you doing?
[21:33] Mom
    Well? Do you give up?
[21:35] Ichi
    Uh, could you hurry up and move?
[21:37] Kara
    Hey, Mommy!
[21:39] Mom
    Nope. I'm going to stay like
    this a little longer.
[21:41] Oso
    Wait, why?!
[21:47] Mom
    Nope.
SIGN    End
[21:50] Mom
    Nope!
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
[23:24] Jyu
    It's me, Jyushimatsu!
[23:26] Jyu
    Next week's going to be about survival!
[23:28] Jyu
    So I want to tell you trivia about survival!
[23:31] Jyu
    I want to tell you trivia about survival!
[23:36] Jyu
    I want to tell you trivia about survival!
[23:40] Jyu
    I want to tell you trivia about survival!
[23:43] Jyu
    I want to tell you trivia about survival!
SIGN    "Overseas Vacation"
[23:47] Jyu
    I want to tell you trivia about survival!
[23:52] Jyu
    Starving!

E22 - Overseas Vacation

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    
    "Overseas Vacation"
[00:05] All
    Hawaii! Hawaii! Hawaii! Hawaii!
[00:12] Toto
    Yay, Hawaii!
[00:15] Chibi
    All right, you idjits!
[00:16] Dayon
    I'm so excited!
[00:20] Choro
    Are we allowed such extravagance?
    We're going to get punished for this.
[00:23] Both
    Punishment!
[00:26] Oso
    Man... The best thing in life is a rich friend.
[00:31] Kara
    Thank you, Hatabou!
[00:33] Toto
    Hatabou!
[00:53] Ichi
    Are we falling?!
[00:55] Kara
    We are!
[00:56] Jyu
    What's going on, Hatabou?!
[00:57] Oso
    Hatabou?
[00:58] Choro
    Damn it, Hatabou!
[01:00] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[01:29] Kara
    Huh?
[01:31] Kara
    What?!
[01:33] Kara
    Wh-Where are we?!
[03:12] Todo
    This isn't Hawaii... This isn't Hawaii...
    This isn't Hawaii... This isn't Hawaii...
[03:14] Chibi
    What are we going to do?
[03:17] Oso
    Man, I'm starving.
[03:19] Jyu
    I'm thirsty.
[03:23] Deka
    There's trouble!
[03:25] Deka
    I can't find Dayon anywhere!
[03:27] Choro
    What?!
[03:31] Kara
    And so, rather than enjoying
    a vacation in Hawaii,
[03:35] Kara
    we were forced into trying to
    survive on a deserted island.
[03:40] Iya
    Sheh! Sheh!
[03:44] Iya
    Sheh! Sheh! Sheh! Sheh! Sheh!
[03:47] Toto
    I'm so hungry.
[03:49] Oso
    Totoko-chan!
[03:49] Choro
    Totoko-chan!
[03:50] Oso
    What do you want?
[03:51] Choro
    What do you want? Tell us!
[03:54] Toto
    Well... I want some fruit.
[03:56] Oso
    Fruit! What kind?
[03:58] Choro
    What kind?
[03:58] Oso
    That?
[03:59] Toto
    Nope.
[04:00] Choro
    That?
[04:01] Toto
    Nope.
[04:02] Toto
    What I want is...
[04:06] Toto
    that.
[04:33] Toto
    You okay?
[04:36] Chibi
    Hey, you jerks! The hell are
    you doing, you idjits?!
[04:40] Chibi
    I told you guys to write "SOS" with those!
[04:43] Jyu
    SOS?
[04:45] Ichi
    Oh, that's what he meant.
[04:52] Chibi
    Not "OSO," "SOS"!
[04:56] Chibi
    Why are you guys the letters?!
[04:58] Chibi
    Take this seriously, you idjits!
[05:02] Todo
    A deserted island, huh?
[05:04] Todo
    I'm finished...
[05:08] Todo
    Dekapan? What's wrong?
[05:11] Deka
    I can't find Dayon.
[05:14] Todo
    Look over there.
[05:18] Deka
    That's—
[05:23] Todo
    He's probably dead.
    You should just give up.
[05:26] Deka
    How can you say such a thing?
[05:27] Todo
    Uh, that pretty much confirms he's dead.
[05:30] Deka
    You can't lose hope!
[05:32] Todo
    There isn't any hope.
[05:33] Deka
    There is!
[05:34] Todo
    There isn't!
[05:35] Todo
    We're just going to die anyway!
    There's no way I can survive here!
[05:40] Todo
    Dekapan!
[05:44] Deka
    I'll protect you.
[05:47] Todo
    Gross.
[05:56] Iyami
    Sheh.
[05:57] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[06:12] Iyami
    Fueeeh!
[06:13] Sign
    Fueeeeeeeeh!
SIGN    Fueeeeeeeeh!
[06:22] Jyu
    It's not lighting...
[06:23] Ichi
    It's no use...
[06:34] Chibi
    Hey!
[06:37] Ichi
    There we go.
[06:39] Jyu
    We did it.
[06:40] Chibi
    The hell?!
[06:43] Kara
    Hey, stop fighting! We have to
    help each other out right now!
[06:49] Kara
    Everyone continued their
    meaningless quarrels.
[06:52] Kara
    They all forgot their compassion.
[07:16] Kara
    However, our last hope still remained...
[07:20] Kara
    A raft to escape this island.
[07:23] Kara
    We would all get on
    and leave the island.
[07:26] Kara
    And then, one day...
[07:30] Kara
    We'd kill Hatabou!
[07:32] Kara
    Our desire to kill Hatabou
    brought us all together!
[07:42] Kara
    But...
[07:47] Oso
    Iyami!
[07:50] Iya
    There's no way we'd all fit
    on this tiny raft! See ya!
[07:59] Bg
    Hey!
[08:00] Bg
    Iyami!
[08:01] Bg
    Iyami!
[08:03] Oso
    Behind you! Iyami, behind you!
[08:05] Deka
    Behind you!
[08:08] Iya
    Behind me?
[08:09] Iya
    Sh-Sheeeh!
[08:19] Kara
    It was then that we realized
[08:21] Kara
    it'd be impossible to leave this island.
[08:24] Kara
    All that remained was for us to die.
[08:34] Kara
    I wonder how much time passed...
[08:37] Kara
    But we were still alive.
[08:42] Kara
    We adapted to life on the island
    and became stronger.
[08:54] Kara
    Each of us evolved in different ways.
[09:00] Choro
    Oh, hey, Totoko-chan.
[09:04] Toto
    Begone!
[09:05] Choro
    Huh?
SIGN    Oden
[09:13] Todo
    I guess no one's responded yet...
[09:17] Todo
    No one's answering...
[09:20] Todo
    I wonder if the signal's just weak here...
[09:24] Oso
    The hell? I'm not getting any balls at all.
[09:26] Oso
    What the heck?
SIGN    Dayon's Grave
[09:56] Kara
    And we established a bartering system.
[10:08] Ichi
    I got some new ones in.
[10:12] Choro
    Hurry up and gimme! Gimme!
[10:16] Kara
    That's right... we had acquired peace.
[10:27] Toto
    A bird! There's a bird!
[10:52] Oso
    So good!
[10:53] Choro
    It is!
[10:56] Kara
    My family, let us share
    and understand each other!
[11:01] Kara
    I've had enough of pointless fighting!
[11:03] Kara
    Being selfish is prohibited!
    This is true happiness!
[11:10] Kara
    It was because of my kind,
    caring nature that everyone was happy.
[11:19] Kara
    Until that incident.
[11:23] Todo
    I'm so full.
[11:25] Kara
    I'm gonna go take a piss.
[11:32] Kara
    Th-This is...
[11:34] Kara
    Why?! Seriously? Yes!
[11:40] Choro
    Karamatsu?
[11:42] Choro
    What's up? Did you find something?
[11:45] Kara
    Nope...
[11:45] Todo
    Let us see it. We have a rule to share
    whenever we find anything, right?
[11:52] Todo
    Hey, come on, now.
[11:53] Ichi
    Hey!
[11:55] Ichi
    That's toilet paper, isn't it?
[11:59] Ichi
    Why do you have that?
[12:04] Kara
    My bad.
[12:06] Choro
    He ran!
[12:07] Ichi
    Come back here, Shittymatsu!
[12:08] Todo
    Shittymatsu!
[12:14] Toto
    There's toilet paper!
[12:22] Kara
    I'm not giving it to anyone!
    I'm the one who found it!
[12:25] Kara
    Now I can finally wipe my ass
    with soft, pillowy paper!
[12:28] Kara
    I'm so done with wiping my ass
    with hard or scratchy leaves!
[12:32] Oso
    Come on, don't do this!
[12:34] Choro
    We made a promise to share
    everything equally!
[12:37] Kara
    Don't be so naïve! You guys just
    want it for yourselves, too!
[12:40] Kara
    I'm fully aware
[12:42] Kara
    that your asses have also
    surpassed their limits!
[12:51] Oso
    Damn it, Totoko!
[12:53] Choro
    Totoko!
[12:57] Toto
    Damn it, Shittypan!
[12:58] Todo
    Shittypan!
[13:32] Chibi
    The toilet paper's mine!
[13:35] Chibi
    Y-You're...
[13:37] Chibi
    Iyami!
[13:41] Chibi
    H-How, you idjit?! How did you...
[13:46] Iyami
    Me has awakened...
[13:49] Chibi
    Awakened?
[13:51] Iyami
    Hunger, thirst, loneliness...
[13:54] Iyami
    I endured all of those hardships and
    managed to surpass my physical limits.
[14:02] Iyami
    What awaited me beyond that was yoga...
[14:05] Iyami
    The power of yoga... It's no longer possible
    for any of you to capture me again.
[14:18] Oso
    Damn it! He can even displace his organs?
[14:32] Choro
    The hell is that?! You can't be serious!
[14:37] Kara
    Over there!
[14:42] Ichi
    He disappeared?!
[14:43] Oso
    Damn it! He can even teleport?!
[14:48] Iya
    This belongs to me.
[14:51] Chibi
    Hold it!
[14:53] Chibi
    Iyami... It looks like you've
    pissed me off for real.
[15:00] Chibi
    After having to survive out here,
    I finally understand, too.
[15:04] Chibi
    The most powerful power in the world...
[15:06] Chibi
    It's...
[15:08] Chibi
    the power of the wild!
[15:10] Chibi
    Behold!
[15:13] Kara
    Unbelievably, after Iyami,
    Chibita had also awakened.
[15:25] Todo
    I-Is that a leopard?
    Is he turning into a leopard?
[15:30] Todo
    Or not.
[15:36] Todo
    A gorilla! It's a gorilla!
[15:39] Todo
    Or not!
[15:44] Todo
    A wolf!
[15:45] Todo
    Or not! What the hell are
    you trying to do, Chibita?!
[15:54] Chibi
    You're finished, you idjit!
[15:57] Todo
    The hell is that?! What kind of animal is that?!
[16:00] Iyami
    S-So fast! Me can't dodge!
[16:11] Chibi
    The hell?!
[16:13] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[16:19] Chib
    By the way, I still have two forms left.
[16:25] Toto
    Even I...
[16:26] All
    Totoko-chan!
[16:28] Toto
    Even I figured it out...
[16:30] Toto
    After having to live this shitty lifestyle,
[16:34] Toto
    I understood how much I
    appreciated my parents...
[16:36] Toto
    The happiness of living at my parents' house...
[16:38] Toto
    When I realized that, the origin within me...
[16:42] Toto
    My fishmonger blood has awakened!
[16:45] Kara
    Then even Totoko-chan awakened!
[16:52] Toto
    A fish for you... and a fish for me!
[16:57] Toto
    Anglerfish, red spotted grouper, salmon!
[16:59] Toto
    DHA and EPA are overflowing...
    My blood flows so smoothly!
[17:03] Toto
    Make sure you eat the skin, too!
[17:05] Toto
    In the name of fishkind, I'll kill you all!
[17:08] Six
    So cute!
[17:10] Choro
    Holy shit! You're so cute, Totoko-chan!
[17:12] Toto
    I'll show you how terrifying
    the ocean can be!
[17:14] Toto
    Barnacle Attack!
[17:20] Toto
    Sea Cucumber Splash!
[17:22] Toto
    Sea Slug Bomber!
[17:25] Chib
    Y-You idjit! Damn it!
[17:28] Choro
    She looks super cute,
    but her attacks are gross!
[17:31] Todo
    They didn't have anything to do with fish.
[17:33] Oso
    I-I don't think I can beat her!
[17:36] Jyu
    Leave it to me!
[17:38] All
    Jyushimatsu!
[17:38] Todo
    Jyushimatsu-niisan!
[17:40] Jyu
    This is the power that's awakened within me.
[17:45] Jyu
    Play ball!
[17:46] Jyu
    Dream of Field!
[17:54] Ichi
    Th-That's...
[17:55] Toto
    I-It can't be!
[17:57] Kara
    Jyushimatsu had awakened, too.
[18:00] Kara
    He wanted to play baseball.
    He wanted to play an actual game.
[18:02] Kara
    Those passionate feelings...
[18:05] Todo
    I-It's the nine!
[18:06] Choro
    The nine are here!
[18:08] Kara
    Yes. He managed to summon
    the legendary nine.
[18:15] Ump
    Strike!
SIGN    Portland
[18:17] Ump
    Safe!
[18:18] All
    There it goes!
[18:20] Iyami
    Sheeeh...
SIGN    MVP Prize
[18:23] Jyu
    It's a home run!
SIGN    MVP Prize
[18:26] Kara
    Baseball is fun.
SIGN    Dayon's Grave
[18:29] Deka
    Everything is wrong!
[18:31] Deka
    You're the only one who
    can quell this chaos!
[18:33] Deka
    Please give me your strength!
[19:06] Oso
    What the hell is that?!
[19:09] Deka
    I've awakened along with my friend!
[19:12] Deka
    He died, but has reawakened!
[19:30] Choro
    Damn it!
[19:34] Oso
    All right... we have to work together!
[19:36] Oso
    Now's the time that the six of us
    have to combine our powers!
[19:39] Oso
    Let's go!
[19:40] All
    Yeah!
[19:41] Oso
    Monozygotic technique!
[19:43] All
    Monozygotic technique!
[19:45] Oso
    Matsusion!
[19:46] All
    Matsusion!
[19:48] Kara
    And then the time finally came...
    when we also awakened!
[19:53] Pamatsu
    Perfectmatsu! Permatsu for short!
[19:57] Pamatsu
    I feel the urge!
[20:11] Pamatsu
    This is the end!
[20:16] Pamatsu
    All this passion we've built up
    living so long on this island...
[20:21] Pama
    See if you can handle it!
[20:22] Pama
    Su... pe... ru... ha!
[20:42] Hata
    Hawaii's amazing, jo.
[20:44] Hata
    I'll just have to enjoy Hawaii
    enough for everyone who died, jo.
[20:52] Hata
    Jo...
[20:55] Iya
    The toilet paper's mine!
[20:57] Chibi
    Let me wipe my ass!
[20:58] Deka
    Let me wipe my ass!
[21:00] Pama
    We'll kill you!
[21:18] Kara
    I-I did it!
[21:22] Kara
    Now I can finally wipe my a—
[21:29] Toto
    I did it...
[21:31] Toto
    I won! Yay!
[21:35] Toto
    What?! Wait, you're kidding me!
SIGN    Single
[21:39] Toto
    It's single-ply?!
[21:41] Toto
    It's not double-ply?!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
[23:25] Oso
    Okay, just do as I say.
[23:28] Oso
    First, close your eyes.
[23:31] Oso
    Take a deep breath...
[23:36] Oso
    and breathe out slowly...
[23:39] Oso
    Once you're relaxed,
    visualize in your right eye...
[23:43] Oso
    Dayon's face.
[23:45] Oso
    Visualize Iyami in your left eye.
SIGN    "The Late Night Himatsuya" "Dayon and Dayon" "Iyami-san Is Troubled"
[23:50] Oso
    Yup. Those two are the stars next week.

E23 - The Late Night Himatsuya / Dayon and Dayon / Iyami-san Is Troubled

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Chinese Cafeteria Himatsuya
SIGN    Jigae pot
SIGN    "The Late Night Himatsuya 2"
[00:06] Guy
    Paid in exact change.
[00:09] Guy
    Thank you very much.
[00:12] Todo
    Hey, let's just go home.
    It's past 2:30, so let's go.
[00:17] Todo
    Oh, come on! We talked
    about this, didn't we?
[00:20] Todo
    We said that when we got this relaxed,
    we'd go home! It's for the best!
[00:25] Oso
    Yeah, but you know...
[00:26] All
    Huh?
[00:27] Oso
    I don't feel like we can go home unless we
    can get riled up at least one more time.
[00:31] All
    Yup, yup.
[00:32] Todo
    And that one more time won't ever happen!
[00:36] Ichi
    Maybe something new and
    interesting will happen.
[00:38] Todo
    It won't! It really won't!
[00:40] Todo
    I can vouch for this! Let's just go!
[00:42] Jyu
    Oh, I know!
[00:43] Oso
    What is it?
[00:44] All
    What, what, what?
[00:46] Jyu
    Why don't we all, like, right now...
[00:49] Jyu
    play the word chain game?
[00:51] Todo
    Let's go home!
[00:52] Todo
    He actually said word chain game!
    That's so insanely boring!
[00:55] Kara
    Word chain (shiritori)!
[00:56] Choro
    Squirrel (risu)!
[00:57] Ichi
    Watermelon (suika)!
[00:58] Oso
    Camera (kamera)!
[00:59] Jyu
    Trumpet (rappa)!
[01:00] Todo
    Stop it! Don't you see how sad this is?
[01:01] Todo
    Have some pride!
SIGN    Pepper
[01:02] Kara
    Why don't we play the word association game?
[01:05] Todo
    Let's go home.
[01:05] Choro
    How about the other word association game?
[01:06] Todo
    Let's go home!
[01:07] Ichi
    I've recently learned to do an impression
    that I'm pretty confident about.
[01:11] Ichi
    Want to see it?
[01:12] Todo
    Let's go home!
[01:12] Oso
    What would you do if you won the lottery?
[01:15] Todo
    Let's go home!
[01:15] Jyu
    What would you do if
    Totoko-chan asked you out?
[01:18] Todo
    C'mon, let's go home!
[01:19] Kara
    I've been able to see people's auras lately.
[01:21] Todo
    Let's go home!
[01:22] Choro
    So the stars you see every night
[01:24] Choro
    have actually been around
    for hundreds of years!
[01:25] Todo
    Let's go home! It's seriously over
    if we start talking about space!
[01:28] Jyu
    Oh, yeah!
[01:30] Jyu
    I think if we talk about this,
    we can get things going again.
[01:33] oso
    What, what?
[01:33] All
    What, what, what?
[01:35] Jyu
    Osomatsu-niisan...
[01:37] Jyu
    Honestly... Like, right now...
[01:41] Jyu
    Is there a girl you like?
[01:43] Todo
    Let's go home!
[01:44] Todo
    You just said something from, like,
    a school trip! This is hell!
[01:50] Todo
    No, no, no! Let's go home!
[01:52] Todo
    As soon as we get too relaxed, we go home!
[01:54] Todo
    Relaxed equals go home
    immediately! Seriously!
[01:57] Oso
    Wait, Totty.
[02:00] Oso
    If you're that insistent,
    why don't you go home by yourself?
[02:03] Jyu
    Yeah! We're going to play the word
    association game and then go home.
[02:06] Todo
    What? You're going to play the word
    association game and then go home?
[02:09] All
    Yeah.
[02:13] Todo
    Okay, fine.
[02:17] Todo
    Well, shall we start?
SIGN    End
[02:18] All
    No, go home!
SIGN    Apple Milk
[04:12] News
    Good morning. It is now 7:30.
[04:14] News
    Here is the news for this hour.
[04:17] News
    Because of the heavy rain
    in western Japan yesterday,
[04:19] News
    there have been multiple
    instances of flooding...
[04:47] Guy
    Huh? You're already finished?
[04:49] Guy
    You're so fast, Dayon-san!
[04:53] Guy
    Thank you!
[04:55] Guy 2
    Dayon-san's always so fast.
[04:58] Guy
    He's just that efficient.
[04:59] Guy 3
    Um, Dayon-san...
[05:03] Guy 3
    Sorry, I was wondering if I could
    talk to you about something.
[05:15] Guy
    Dayon-san!
[05:16] Guy
    Um, we were all talking about
    going drinking later...
[05:24] Dayon
    Maybe next time.
[05:28] Guy
    That's too bad.
[05:56] ---
    Wh...
[05:56] Dayon
    What's going on?!
SIGN    "Dayon and Dayon"
[05:59] Dayon
    What?!
[06:04] Dayon
    He looks just like me! Way too much like me!
[06:07] Dayon
    If it were anyone else, I'd understand,
[06:08] Dayon
    but there's someone who actually
    looks exactly like me?
[06:12] Dayon
    He looks just like me! It's scary!
SIGN    Akatsuka Street Shopping District
[06:23] Wife
    Welcome home, dear.
[06:24] Dayon
    He's married?!
[06:27] Daughter
    Hi, Daddy!
[06:28] Son
    Hey, Dad.
[06:30] Dayon
    He even has kids!
[06:31] Kid
    So, today...
SIGN    Kimura
[06:38] Dayon
    K-Kimura?
[06:40] Girl
    What's wrong, Daddy? You're not coming in?
[06:44] Kimu
    No, I have something very
    important that I have to do,
[06:48] Kimu
    so go ahead and wait for me inside.
[06:51] Girl
    Okay!
[06:56] Kimu
    Hold it!
[07:00] Kimu
    Let's talk.
[07:13] Kimu
    You look just like me.
[07:16] Kimu
    I knew you'd come.
[07:19] Kimu
    The fact that I'm alive is proof
    that you'd exist somewhere, too.
[07:24] Kimu
    It's destiny that we'd meet...
[07:26] Kimu
    Or... I could even say I've lived
    this long just so you could find me.
[07:32] Kimu
    If you look at it that way,
     it's really deep.
[07:38] Kimu
    But you really do look just like me.
[07:42] Kimu
    Very well. Let me break this down a little
    more so it's easier to understand.
[07:46] Kimu
    I think you've realized this,
    but I am you, and you are me.
[07:52] Kimu
    We're not talking about one being
    the original and one being fake.
[07:56] Kimu
    Your very existence is a possibility
    that existed within me.
[08:01] Kimu
    That's more understandable, right?
[08:05] Kimu
    You really do look just like me.
[08:09] Dayon
    U-Um...
[08:12] Dayon
    A-Are you a d-doppelganger?
[08:16] Dayon
    I've heard of them before!
[08:18] Dayon
    In this world, everyone has another
    person who looks exactly like them,
[08:23] Dayon
    and they call them doppelgangers—
[08:26] Dayon
    A doppelganger?!
[08:28] kimu
    Are you trying to imply
    that I'm a doppelganger?!
SIGN    To those who use this park: No sleds allowed Don't live here No flying
[08:33] Dayon
    Huh? U-Um, uh...
SIGN    Dog leash pine
[08:35] Kimu
    Don't be ridiculous!
[08:36] Dayon
    Y-You've got it all wrong!
[08:38] Kimu
    But you just said I was a doppelganger!
[08:41] Dayon
    That's not it! I just don't
    know what's going on!
[08:44] Dayon
    Please don't get mad!
[08:46] Dayon
    D-Don't get mad...
[08:53] Kimu
    You really do look just like me.
[08:59] Kimu
    Dayon.
[09:01] Kimu
    Look, Dayon. I'm sorry.
[09:03] Kimu
    Don't be so scared.
    It makes it hard to talk to you.
[09:09] Kimu
    Here. I'll give you this,
    so please forgive me.
[09:16] Kimu
    What's wrong, Dayon?
[09:20] Kimu
    Do you like this candy, too?
[09:31] Kimu
    Imagine that! We really are the same!
[09:37] Kimu
    By the way, Dayon, can I ask you something?
[09:40] Dayon
    What is it?
[09:41] Kimura
    How do you brush your teeth?
[09:43] Kimura
    Since my mouth is so big, it takes
    me at least thirty minutes to brush.
[09:47] Dayon
    I know!
[09:48] Dayon
    My toothpaste runs out so fast, and my
    toothbrush always wears out so quickly.
[09:52] Kimura
    Totally! That's a Dayon problem.
[09:55] Dayon
    It's a Dayon problem!
[10:00] Kimura
    By the way, are you married, Dayon?
[10:03] Dayon
    Not yet, but I do have a best friend.
[10:07] Kimura
    Best friend? What are they like?
[10:09] Dayon
    He's always wandering around
    in just his drawers.
[10:12] Kimu
    What the heck? He sounds a bit dangerous.
[10:14] Kimu
    Let's all go drinking sometime.
[10:15] Dayon
    Okay!
[10:19] Kimu
    Well, be careful.
[10:22] Wife
    Please come back again, my second husband.
[10:24] Girl
    Daddy number two!
[10:25] Kid
    Bye-bye! See you again!
[10:28] Both
    Bye-bye!
SIGN    Several Days Later
[10:44] News
    ...to look into the matter further.
SIGN    And now for our next story.
[10:48] News
    The man who was arrested for secretly
SIGN    College Professor Caught Secretly
    Filming Someone on the Train
[10:50] News
    filming someone was actually
    a college professor.
SIGN    Arrested on suspicion of secretly filming someone
    Kimura Dayon (35)
[10:52] news
    The suspect, Kimura Dayon,
    who works at Akatsuka University,
[10:56] news
    was arrested for allegedly attempting
    to film up a woman's skirt in a train.
[11:02] News
    According to the police,
    Kimura was in a mostly empty train car,
[11:07] News
    and sat directly behind a woman...
[11:08] Dayon
    Oh, my...
[11:11] Dayon
    You just never know...
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Iyami-san Is Troubled"
[11:38] Prod
    Whoa! What are you doing, Iyami-san?!
[11:42] Iya
    Oh, producer. Don't stop me.
[11:46] Prod
    Wait, wait, wait, wait!
[11:47] Prod
    What are you doing?! Why?!
[11:50] Iya
    Me doesn't feel like working on this anime,
    Mr. Osomatsu, any longer.
[11:55] Iya
    Don't stop me.
[11:56] Prod
    No, really. What happened?
[12:00] Iya
    Don't act dumb. You know exactly
    what's wrong, don't you?
[12:04] Prod
    Huh?
[12:07] Iya
    Fine. Let me spell it out for you, then.
[12:14] Iya
    Producer, don't you think that
    I don't fit in on this show?
[12:19] Prod
    Huh?
[12:21] Prod
    Y-You don't?
[12:23] Iya
    Correct.
[12:25] Iya
    Me just can't seem to blend in
    with the modern sextuplets
[12:28] Iya
    and their excitable conversations.
[12:30] Iya
    Me is the only one who doesn't fit in.
[12:32] Iya
    There's distance, a gap...
[12:33] Iya
    Even when me tries, there's just
    something so Showa era about me.
[12:39] Iya
    And there's nothing me can do about it.
[12:42] Iya
    By the way, is me even popular?
[12:45] Prod
    Huh? Uh...
[12:47] Prod
    W-Well, of course...
[12:49] Iya
    Me is not.
[12:50] Prod
    Huh?
[12:51] Iya
    The roles me has are suspiciously few,
    and there's not much merchandise of me.
[12:56] Iya
    The sextuplets basically make
    the show. It's over for me.
[13:01] Iya
    You know that one costume? Did you know?
[13:04] Iya
    The very first one made was of me,
[13:06] Iya
    but because the sextuplets are the
    ones getting all of the offers,
[13:09] Iya
    my costume is just sitting in a
    dark warehouse somewhere in Chiba.
[13:13] Iya
    Me is destined to be abandoned.
[13:14] Prod
    That's not true, Iyami-san!
[13:17] Prod
    This show is finished if you're gone!
    Everyone thinks that!
[13:25] Prod
    R-Really!
[13:26] Prod
    Just a moment! I'll go
    call someone real quick!
[13:29] Prod
    Hey! Someone!
[13:33] Both
    Iyami!
[13:35] Oso
    What the heck are you talking about?
[13:37] Oso
    Think about your notoriety!
[13:39] Iya
    Notoriety?
[13:40] Oso
    Everyone knows about you!
[13:44] Oso
    Moms, dads... We sextuplets
    can't even compare!
[13:48] Chibi
    And you have that super famous
    one-liner, "Sheeeh!"
[13:53] Oso
    Yeah!
[13:54] Both
    Sheeeh!
[13:57] Oso
    Man, I'd kill to have a
    one-liner as classic as that.
[14:01] Iya
    Wouldn't the fact that
    it's classic make it old?
[14:06] Chibi
    Well, um... There's also...
[14:09] Chibi
    Your teeth! You have your teeth!
[14:11] Oso
    Yeah! You have those really unique teeth!
[14:14] Iya
    And wouldn't you say that characters
    with buck teeth are also dated?
[14:17] Oso
    Also... that really unique way you talk!
[14:21] Iya
    Really? You really think it fits
    in with how people talk now?
[14:24] Chibi
    And... you know! You've got
    your whole France thing!
[14:27] Iya
    Who the heck even idolizes
    Paris that much anymore?
[14:31] Iya
    All you see about France on the news
    is politics, economy, refugees...
[14:35] Iya
    It's all trouble!
[14:36] Oso
    Oh, come on! Stop!
[14:37] Chibi
    Just stop, you idjit! Don't say that, Iyami.
[14:41] Oso
    President!
[14:41] Chibi
    Iyami!
[14:42] Oso
    President!
[14:44] Iyami
    Don't call me President.
    That's misleading in various ways.
[14:50] Oso
    What should we do?
[14:54] Iya
    Anyway, me thinks the fact
    me doesn't fit in is a problem.
[14:58] Oso
    Don't fit in? Does he stick out that badly?
[15:01] Iya
    It's true!
[15:03] Chibi
    Well, if you put it that way,
    I'm in a lot of trouble, too.
[15:07] Chibi
    I like oden, I'm bald, and I have
    verbal tics like "idjit" and "damn it!"
[15:11] Chibi
    I'm the epitome of the Showa era.
[15:13] Iya
    No, you're safe, just barely.
[15:15] Chibi
    Huh?
[15:16] Iya
    Me feels like you're still able
    to fit in with the others.
[15:20] Iya
    Me realizes this.
[15:24] Oso
    Hey, maybe this is all about relatability...
[15:27] Both
    Relatability?
[15:28] Oso
    I'm not sure, I'm not entirely sure,
[15:31] Oso
    but I think in order to be liked,
    you have to be relatable.
[15:35] Oso
    Like when you watch someone and go,
    "Hey! I went through that, too!"
[15:39] Oso
    Or, "Yeah, I totally get that!"
    Something like that.
[15:41] Chibi
    Oh, like familiarity.
[15:43] Oso
    Exactly! Iyami doesn't
    have any... Like, at all!
[15:47] Chibi
    Not... at all!
[15:49] Oso
    You're just as shitty as the rest of us,
[15:52] Oso
    but you're sort of on a high horse.
[15:54] Chibi
    You're a shithead on another level.
[15:56] Chibi
    So no one really feels like rooting
    for you or cheering you on.
[15:59] Oso
    Come down to Earth a bit more, Iyami.
[16:03] Chibi
    Come on down, Iyami.
[16:06] Oso
    But, you know...
[16:09] Oso
    If he actually does come down,
    he just won't be Iyami anymore.
[16:12] Chibi
    Exactly! That's the hard part!
[16:15] Oso
    Yeah. We want you to stay as you are, Iyami.
[16:18] Chibi
    Actually, Iyami needs to stay Iyami.
[16:20] Oso
    Okay, I guess we'll just
    leave things as they are.
[16:22] Chibi
    Yup, as is.
[16:25] Iya
    Hold it!
[16:27] Iya
    Why did you give up?!
[16:29] Iya
    Think about this a little longer!
[16:35] Chibi
    Hey, can I say something?
[16:38] Chibi
    In my opinion, I think the
    problem is the way you talk.
[16:42] Oso
    The way he talks?
[16:43] Chibi
    I mean, I've got my own tics,
    but Iyami's pretty special.
[16:47] Chibi
    That tic at the end of his sentences just
[16:50] Chibi
    doesn't allow him to keep
    up with conversations.
[16:54] Iya
    Me feels the same way!
[16:56] Iya
    You're pretty spot on!
[16:58] Chibi
    Ain't I, though?
[17:01] Iya
    It's finally clear!
[17:04] Iya
    Me just has to change the way me talks!
[17:07] Iya
    Then me won't be so out of place.
[17:09] Both
    Huh?!
[17:10] Oso
    Change the way... you talk?
[17:12] Chibi
    Can you actually do that?
[17:14] Iya
    Easy-peasy.
[17:16] Iya
    Here we go.
[17:18] Iya
    Seriously, how can I get more popular?
[17:22] Iya
    No, really, what do you guys think?
[17:24] Oso
    No, no, no, no!
[17:25] Iya
    I'm Iyami.
[17:26] Chib
    No, no, no, no!
[17:27] Iya
    I'm, like, a huge star.
[17:29] Oso
    Who the heck are you?
    You're not Iyami anymore!
[17:31] Oso
    You're like some boring president!
[17:32] Iya
    Bring Jyushimatsu over here.
[17:33] Iya
    That little shit's got a big
    head since he got so popular.
[17:35] Oso
    President, please stop!
[17:36] Iya
    Huh? I mean, I even used to
    sing the ending theme!
[17:39] Chibi
    Suzu-san!
[17:40] Iya
    I used to sing the damn ending!
[17:42] Iya
    I thought I'd be way more popular!
    I used to be the star!
[17:45] Iya
    Sheeeh...
[17:47] Iya
    It's no use...
[17:49] Oso
    That was close... We almost
    destroyed the Showa-era character.
[17:54] Iya
    What should me do?
[17:56] Iya
    All of my potential is going to waste.
[18:00] Iya
    Come on, you two, think! Give me ideas!
[18:04] Oso
    Well, then, why don't you think
    of a new line other than "sheeeh"?
[18:10] Chib
    Yeah, that's a good idea.
[18:12] Chib
    Stop relying on sheeeh forever, man.
[18:15] Oso
    Go beyond sheeeh, Iyami.
[18:17] Chib
    Go beyond sheeeh, Iyami.
[18:20] Iya
    G-Go beyond sheeeh?
[18:22] Oso
    Go on.
[18:23] Chib
    Go on.
[18:24] Oso
    Come on, something new.
[18:25] Chib
    Something new.
[18:27] Oso
    Something that's super funny!
[18:29] Chib
    Something that'd be super popular.
[18:31] Both
    Hurry up.
[18:36] Iya
    M-Me can't... Me...
[18:39] Prod
    Are you still at it?
[18:42] Prod
    A new line? There's absolutely
    no point in that.
[18:46] Prod
    Honestly,
[18:46] Prod
    you coming up with something like that
    on purpose isn't funny, and it's annoying!
[18:52] Prod
    Hits and popularity are based on
    sheer luck. Don't get the wrong idea.
[18:55] Prod
    Also, even if you changed
    it up now, there's no time.
[18:58] Prod
    We only have two more episodes.
[19:00] Prod
    Two more episodes until the last episode!
[19:02] Prod
    So why are you wasting time like this?
[19:05] Prod
    Could you work on that first?
    Could you change that?
[19:09] Prod
    Right, so let's give up a few things.
[19:12] Prod
    Let's work hard on our last two episodes.
[19:14] Prod
    Dismissed!
[19:22] Oso
    Iyami!
[19:24] Chibi
    Iyami!
[19:24] Oso
    Iyami, don't!
[19:26] Chibi
    Don't do it!
[19:27] Oso
    It'll be okay! It'll be okay!
[19:28] Chibi
    Yeah! You can get through two episodes!
[19:30] Oso
    Iyami! Iyami!
SIGN    End
[19:31] Chibi
    Iyami! Iyami!
[19:31] Oso
    Just say sheeeh!
[19:31] Chibi
    It'll be okay!
[19:32] Oso
    Sheeeh!
SIGN    Chinese Cafeteria Himatsuya
SIGN    Jigae pot
SIGN    "The Late Night Himatsuya 3"
[21:06] Choro
    So, what should we do about work?
[21:08] Ichi
    We're basically reaching our time limit.
[21:12] Kara
    But, you know...
[21:13] All
    Huh?
[21:14] Kara
    I just don't know what job I'm cut out to do.
[21:18] Oso
    Oh, I see.
[21:20] Jyu
    There's only one job for you,
    Karamatsu-niisan.
[21:23] Kara
    Huh?
[21:24] Jyu
    A charismatic model!
[21:25] Jyu
    A charismatic model?! Ah... I see.
[21:29] Todo
    Because you're so hot!
[21:30] Choro
    Your face scores 100! You're so sharp!
[21:32] Oso
    Your body's pretty hot, too.
[21:34] Ichi
    You're something else.
[21:35] Jyu
    Something else!
[21:36] Choro
    Okay! That's what I'll be, then!
[21:39] All
    Yeah, totally!
[21:42] Choro
    Hey! What about me?
[21:44] Choro
    What work should I do?
[21:46] Kara
    Become the Prime Minister! Duh!
[21:48] Choro
    The Prime Minister, eh? I see...
[21:51] Oso
    Because you're so reliable!
[21:52] Todo
    And you're so righteous!
[21:54] Ichi
    Please bring this country together.
[21:56] Jyu
    Lead us fools.
[21:57] Kara
    Lead us, Choromatsu!
[21:59] Choro
    All right. I'll become
    the Prime Minister, then.
[22:01] All
    Yeah, totally!
[22:03] Oso
    What about me?
[22:04] Ichi
    The president of some super big company!
[22:07] Oso
    President?! I knew it!
[22:10] Todo
    I mean, you are the eldest.
[22:11] Jyu
    You have the ability to
    stand above the others!
[22:13] Kara
    Men love you, too.
[22:15] Choro
    Born with talent!
[22:16] Ichi
    Amazing!
[22:18] Oso
    Okay! I'll become a president!
[22:20] All
    Yeah, totally!
[22:22] Ichi
    What about me?
[22:23] Todo
    You should be a doctor, Ichimatsu-niisan.
[22:25] Ichi
    A doctor? I see.
[22:27] Jyu
    You have the kindness and finesse
    to understand another's pain.
[22:30] Oso
    You're attentive.
[22:31] Kara
    And you're super smart.
[22:33] Choro
    A wise cat always hides his claws!
[22:35] Todo
    But we know how awesome you are!
[22:37] Ichi
    Got it. I'll become a doctor.
[22:38] All
    Yeah, totally!
[22:41] Todo
    What about me?
[22:42] Jyu
    A super rich celebrity!
[22:44] Todo
    A celebrity, huh? Yeah,
    I can't argue with that.
[22:47] Choro
    Manual labor doesn't suit you.
[22:49] Ichi
    You'll always be one of those
    blessed guys at the top.
[22:51] Kara
    That's what you were destined for.
[22:52] Oso
    We're all hoping for your happiness.
[22:55] Jyu
    We know it'll happen.
[22:56] Todo
    Well, I guess I'll become a celebrity, then.
[22:59] All
    Yeah, totally!
[23:00] Jyu
    What about me?
[23:02] Todo
    A gold medalist!
[23:03] Jyu
    A gold medalist, huh? I see!
[23:06] Kara
    You have the ability to
    become a national star!
[23:08] Ichi
    Superstar!
[23:10] Choro
    Give Japan hope!
[23:11] Oso
    Bring us happiness!
[23:13] Todo
    Your aura's totally different!
[23:14] Jyu
    Okay. I'll become a gold medalist, then.
[23:17] Five
    Yeah, totally!
[23:19] Oso
    Man, we're so amazing.
[23:22] Oso
    A charismatic model,
    the Prime Minister, a president,
[23:25] Oso
    a doctor, a celebrity, and a gold medalist.
[23:28] Oso
    We're such a group of winners!
    We've basically already won.
[23:32] Oso
    Hooray!
[23:34] Five
    Hooray!
[23:35] Oso
    Hooray!
[23:36] Five
    Hooray!
SIGN    End

E24 - Cherry Blossoms

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "Cherry Blossoms"
[01:44] Mom
    You're late! What time do you think it is?!
[01:46] Mom
    Honestly, waking up so
    late every single day!
[01:49] Oso
    Sorry...
[01:51] Ichi
    Sorry...
[01:52] Jyu
    Sorry.
[01:54] Mom
    Jeez. Hurry up and eat your breakfast.
[01:57] All
    'Kay...
[02:08] Choro
    Wait, wait, wait.
[02:09] Totty
    Nope, nope, nope.
[02:10] Choro
    I haven't even had one yet.
[02:12] Totty
    I haven't, either.
[02:14] Todo
    The hell? Did someone eat two, then?
[02:17] Choro
    Come on!
[02:18] Oso
    Why are you looking at me? I only ate one!
[02:21] Todo
    Here.
[02:22] Todo
    As punishment, drink all of this soy sauce.
[02:23] Oso
    I'm telling you I didn't take it!
[02:25] Oso
    Come on, Karamatsu, say something!
[02:28] Kara
    You definitely took it.
[02:29] Oso
    Why?!
[02:30] Oso
    False accusations!
    That's a false accusation, sir!
[02:36] Ichi
    Huh?
[02:38] Ichi
    Huh?
[02:42] Choro
    Come on, you're in the way.
[02:44] Todo
    Go away.
[02:45] Ichi
    Show some courtesy, you jerks!
[02:47] Kara
    Jyushimatsu!
[02:48] Jyu
    Karamatsu-niisan!
[02:49] Oso
    I told you, you jerks, you're in my way!
[03:03] All
    We're heading out.
[03:05] Mom
    Okay, see you boys later.
[03:07] Mom
    I just see them off every time,
    but I wonder where they go.
[03:14] Mom
    Why?
[03:20] Todo
    I'm still tired.
[03:22] Jyu
    Did you watch yesterday?
[03:23] Choro
    Watch what?
[03:24] Jyu
    The show about giant creatures.
[03:26] Kara
    Oh, that's on tonight.
[03:28] Jyu
    Oh, it's tonight?
[03:30] Oso
    It's starting to get warm again.
[03:33] Ichi
    It's flower-viewing season.
[03:34] Oso
    Cherry blossoms should start blooming soon.
[03:36] Oso
    If we have time, going flower-viewing
    wouldn't be a bad idea.
[03:39] Choro
    Uh, we have time every day.
    More than we know what to do with.
[03:42] Jyu
    True.
[03:48] Choro
    Todomatsu.
[03:51] Choro
    Todomatsu?
[03:52] Todo
    Hmm?
[03:53] Choro
    Your phone's ringing.
[03:55] Todo
    Oh.
[03:57] Todo
    Huh? It's Mom.
[04:01] Todo
    Yeah, hello?
[04:03] Todo
    Yeah.
[04:05] Todo
    Huh?
[04:07] Todo
    What?!
SIGN    Akatsuka Hospital
[04:14] Kara
    Dad!
[04:15] Jyu
    Dad?!
[04:24] Choro
    Wh-What's going on?
[04:27] Choro
    What happened? Hey!
[04:28] Mom
    Calm down, for goodness' sake.
[04:30] Ichi
    Dad!
[04:31] Mom
    He's asleep!
[04:32] Todo
    Dad!
[04:33] Mom
    Stop it, all of you!
[04:51] Mom
    Go on. Head on home.
[04:56] Mom
    He'll be okay. The doctor also
    said he'll be better in no time.
[05:00] Mom
    Also, I need you to bring some towels
    and a change of clothes from home.
[05:05] Mom
    Okay? Please?
[05:09] Oso
    Okay.
[05:13] Oso
    Hey, let's go.
[05:22] Oso
    Todomatsu.
SIGN    Akatsuka Hospital
SIGN    A Few Days Later
[05:47] Dad
    Looks like I've been asleep
    for quite a while.
[05:51] Dad
    It's probably time...
[05:55] Dad
    Dear, I have something serious
    to discuss with you.
[05:59] Mom
    What is it?
[06:01] Dad
    I only need one.
[06:04] Dad
    Could you go buy me a beer?
[06:05] Mom
    No.
[06:10] Dad
    It didn't work.
[06:18] Jyu
    That sure startled me.
[06:21] Ichi
    Yeah.
[06:22] Choro
    I really panicked.
[06:24] Kara
    Same here.
[06:26] Todo
    But thank goodness he's okay.
[06:29] All
    Yeah.
[06:32] Choro
    It's our fault, isn't it?
[06:34] All
    Huh?
[06:35] Choro
    I mean, our whole family
    basically depends on Dad.
[06:39] Choro
    It's not surprising something
    like this would happen.
[06:42] Choro
    And there's six of us. We're so pathetic.
[06:48] Oso
    What should we do now?
[06:51] All
    Huh?
[06:52] Oso
    Maybe we finally need
    to do things properly.
[06:56] Three
    Huh?
[06:59] Kara
    Huh?
[06:59] Oso
    Well, what I'm saying is,
    we've sort of lazed through life.
[07:05] Oso
    I was just thinking, maybe it's
    time we did something about it.
[07:08] Oso
    You know, like... f-find jobs?
[07:12] Oso
    And, uh, become independent?
    Or something like that...
[07:19] Todo
    Wow, he actually said it.
[07:21] Oso
    Huh?
[07:22] Jyu
    This sucks. I never thought
    he'd actually say it out loud.
[07:25] Oso
    Huh?
[07:26] Ichi
    Great. Now we can't ignore it anymore.
[07:30] Choro
    We're gonna have to face it now.
[07:32] Kara
    Jesus.
[07:33] Oso
    Hey—
[07:38] Oso
    What?! Why are you guys acting
    like I did something wrong?
[07:40] Oso
    I said something decent for once!
[07:42] Todo
    What brought this on?
[07:44] Todo
    It's not like we'd just accept
    you suddenly trying to act
[07:48] Todo
    like a proper older brother.
[07:50] Jyu
    Actually, it's sort of creepy.
[07:52] Ichi
    Gross.
[07:53] Oso
    Tell me how you really feel...
[07:55] Kara
    Can I say something?
[07:56] All
    Huh?
[07:57] Kara
    Sorry to completely cut off where
    this conversation is going,
[08:00] Kara
    but to be honest, finding jobs and
    becoming independent sounds like a pain.
[08:04] Todo
    What a pain! This sucks!
[08:06] Jyu
    I wanna run away!
[08:09] Oso
    I totally understand, but...
[08:11] Ichi
    I actually have no confidence
    I can do any of that.
[08:14] Choro
    Yeah, it's just making me anxious.
[08:16] Oso
    Don't worry about it.
    It'll be easy as one, two, three.
[08:20] Oso
    One, two, three, A, B, C. It'll be a cinch.
[08:23] All
    Huh?
[08:24] Oso
    One, two, three, A, B, C...
[08:27] Choro
    What are you talking about?
[08:28] Oso
    Finding a job? Becoming independent?
[08:30] Oso
    It'll be easy as one,
    two, three, and A, B, C.
[08:32] Choro
    Oh, whatever. Where's that
    confidence coming from, anyway?
[08:39] Kara
    But we don't have any other
    choice anymore, do we?
[08:43] Ichi
    We really don't.
[08:45] Jyu
    We have to do things properly.
[08:47] ---
    Yeah.
[08:54] Oso
    All right. Well, shall we?
[09:02] All
    Let's go!
[09:04] Kara
    All right, I accept!
[09:05] All
    Huh?
[09:06] Kara
    Let's be reborn, starting today.
[09:08] Kara
    Let's show them what we can really do...
[09:10] Kara
    Our awakened selves!
[09:12] Kara
    Let's show them, brothers!
[09:16] Kara
    Oh, did we not need that?
[09:19] All
    Nope, nope.
SIGN    Akatsuka Hospital
SIGN    Akatsuka Hospital
SIGN    Dad Exams Wed, Fri every week
[10:13] Oso
    Let's see...
[10:15] Oso
    What else do I need to buy?
SIGN    We're hiring!
    960 yen an hour
    Students and
    part-timers
     welcome
SIGN    A Complete Guide to Getting Qualifications
[10:28] Kara
    Qualifications, huh?
[10:41] Todo
    Well, I'm headed this way.
[10:42] Choro
    Okay.
[10:43] Jyu
    See you later!
[10:53] Todo
    Hello?
[10:55] Todo
    Sorry, there was something
    I wanted to talk to you about.
SIGN    Employment Agency
[11:06] Kid
    Over here!
[11:08] Kid
    Wait!
SIGN    We're hiring!
    960 yen an hour
    Students and
     part-timers
    welcome
[11:45] TV
    Give me all your money!
[11:46] Tv
    Uh, we're a candy store.
    We only have change.
[11:48] Tv
    Give me all your money!
[11:49] Tv
    We only have change!
[11:54] Oso
    Thanks for dinner.
[11:55] Mom
    Sure.
[11:57] Jyu
    I'm home.
[12:00] Dad
    Welcome home.
[12:02] Jyu
    So tired!
[12:07] Oso
    Hey. Work?
[12:08] Jyu
    Yeah.
[12:10] Oso
    Wanna go to the bath?
[12:11] Jyu
    Nah.
[12:12] Oso
    'Kay.
[12:14] Mom
    Oh, welcome home. Want some dinner?
[12:16] Jyu
    Nope. I ate with everyone else.
[12:29] Guy
    Give me an egg and one daikon.
[12:30] Chibi
    You got it!
[12:31] Guy
    Another beer, please.
[12:32] Chibi
    Comin' up!
[12:34] Chibi
    Ichimatsu, could you go clear some plates?
[12:37] Ichi
    Sure.
[12:39] Ichi
    Pardon me. I'll take your plates for you.
[12:42] Kara
    Oh, brother!
[12:44] Kara
    You came! Thank you!
[12:46] Ichi
    Get away from me.
[12:47] Kara
    Hey, guys! Let me introduce you
    to the brother I love so much!
[12:51] Ichi
    Yeah, let's not.
[12:53] Ichi
    Just sit down and drink.
[12:58] Guy
    Matsuno, everything you
    say is so embarrassing.
[13:01] Guy
    Yeah, totally.
[13:03] Ichi
    Heh. He gets treated the same,
    no matter where he goes.
SIGN    Chinese Cafeteria Himatsuya
SIGN    Jigae pot
[13:11] Guy
    Hey, Matsuno, hurry up!
[13:13] Todo
    Coming!
[13:16] Todo
    Sorry about that.
[13:16] Guy
    What are you doing? You know you're
    stuck with us until morning, right?
[13:20] Todo
    Roger!
[13:22] Guy
    I forgot. Can you hold your liquor?
[13:24] Todo
    No doubt. I won't lose to Sugi-san.
[13:26] Guy
    What? We'll just see about that!
[13:47] Oso
    Who the...
[13:50] Oso
    Jeez, that was you? That hurt, damn it.
[13:55] Choro
    Did you hear about Dad?
[13:58] Choro
    His levels went down.
[14:04] Oso
    Huh... That's good.
[14:07] ---
    Yeah.
[14:11] Oso
    That hurt, you ass!
[14:13] Choro
    Sorry.
SIGN    Tokyo
SIGN    Studio vs. 1K
    What Are the "Deposit and Key Money"
    That You Should Know About By Now?
    What Are Front-End Payments?
SIGN    Chinese Restaurant
[14:50] Guy
    Matsuno!
[14:51] Oso
    Coming!
SIGN    Akatsuka Mart
SIGN    No longer serving oden
[14:56] Girl
    Thank you very much.
SIGN    Pay Matsuno Osomatsu
[15:19] Oso
    Yes! Thank you!
[15:23] Oso
    Oh, hey, Iyami!
[15:25] Oso
    Where've you been?
    I haven't seen you in forever.
[15:27] Iya
    Ah, Karamatsu.
[15:30] Oso
    I'm Osomatsu.
[15:31] Oso
    What's with the get-up?
[15:34] Iya
    Me is going to go find some buried treasure!
[15:37] Oso
    Buried treasure?
[15:38] Iya
    Right here.
[15:40] Iya
    From what I've heard,
    there's a bunch of treasure here.
[15:44] Iya
    It's said to be worth one
    billion yen! Sheeeh!
[15:48] Iya
    Want to come? Me is feeling generous
    and will let you come along.
[15:53] Oso
    Oh...
[15:55] Oso
    N-Nah, I'll pass.
[15:58] Oso
    I have work tomorrow.
[16:05] Oso
    That guy...
[16:10] Iya
    Me is going to go look for buried treasure!
[16:13] Deka
    So full of dreams!
[16:15] Dayon
    I can't wait!
[16:17] Hata
    I'm so excited, jo!
[16:29] Oso
    I'm home.
[16:33] Oso
    I'm home.
[16:41] Oso
    I'm hom—
[17:07] Ichi
    What's up?
[17:09] Oso
    Where are the others?
[17:10] Ichi
    Huh?
[17:11] Oso
    Where's Todomatsu?
[17:14] Ichi
    Huh? Uh, I don't know.
[17:17] Oso
    What about Jyushimatsu? And Choromatsu?
[17:21] Oso
    And Karamatsu?
[17:22] Ichi
    Huh? I don't know.
[17:27] Ichi
    Osomatsu-niisan?
[17:37] Girl 1
    Isn't that insane?
[17:38] Girl 2
    Yeah, totally.
[18:50] Toto
    Osomatsu-kun?
[18:59] Oso
    When my dad collapsed, I was really scared.
[19:04] Oso
    What if he dies? What's
    going to happen to us?
[19:09] Oso
    What's Mom going to do?
[19:14] Oso
    So I thought about it real hard.
[19:18] Oso
    But should it really be like this?
[19:21] Oso
    I just don't know. I don't.
[19:24] Oso
    Am I proper now? What does
    that even mean, anyway?
[19:29] Oso
    How the hell should I know?
[19:35] Oso
    I also feel a bit lonely...
[19:38] Oso
    We're all separated now...
[19:41] Oso
    Things just don't seem
    to go like they used to.
[19:47] Oso
    But I guess that can't be helped.
[19:50] Oso
    It can't be helped? It can't?
[19:54] Oso
    Really?
[19:58] Oso
    Am I cool?
[20:02] Oso
    Am I okay? Am I still Osomatsu?
[20:06] Toto
    But you were never cool to
    begin with, Osomatsu-kun.
[20:12] Oso
    I see. I guess you're right.
[20:19] Oso
    After seeing Dad like that,
    we all worked really hard.
[20:23] Oso
    That's a good thing. I know that.
[20:26] Oso
    But you know, there's a part of
    me that thinks it doesn't matter.
[20:31] Oso
    I mean, it doesn't, does it?
[20:32] Oso
    The fact that Dad collapsed, and us...
[20:35] Oso
    I think that's why I feel
    like something's not right.
[20:38] Oso
    I want to decide things for myself,
[20:41] Oso
    but I just can't seem to decide lately.
[20:46] Oso
    I wonder what the others think...
[20:52] Toto
    Why don't you decide for yourself?
[20:55] Toto
    You just said that.
[20:58] Toto
    That you want to decide things for yourself.
[21:17] Oso
    I guess I'll go home.
[21:19] Oso
    Sorry about that.
    That must've been really boring.
[21:22] Toto
    Yeah, it was super boring.
[21:24] Oso
    What?!
[21:38] Oso
    Totoko-chan.
[21:39] Toto
    Hmm?
[21:41] Oso
    Thanks.
[21:42] Toto
    No problem!
[21:51] Oso
    All right, gather round!
[21:54] Oso
    Gather round! Gather round!
[21:56] Choro
    Shut the hell up!
[21:58] Todo
    What the hell are you thinking?
[21:59] Kara
    Do you know what time it is?
[22:00] Ichi
    I'll kill you!
[22:01] Jyu
    Imma kill you!
[22:04] Oso
    Well, it's actually not that big of a deal.
[22:08] Oso
    There's just something
    I want to say to you guys.
[22:13] All
    Huh?
SIGN    To Be Continued
SIGN    Next Time: The Final Episode!!
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:49] Oso
    So, next time is the final episode!
[23:51] All
    Watch it!

E25 - Mr. Osomatsu in Hell

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:06] Oso
    Well, it's actually not that big of a deal.
[00:10] Oso
    There's just something
    I want to say to you guys.
[00:14] All
    Huh?
[00:16] Iyami
    Sheeeh! Treasure hunting!
[00:20] Iyami
    Treasure hunting by yourself is always best!
[00:23] Iyami
    Me will be the only one getting rich!
    Me will be the only one who's happy!
[00:31] Iyami
    Sheh!
[00:32] Oso
    So... I've been thinking...
[00:37] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[00:41] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[00:44] ---
    Sheeeh!
[02:32] Choro
    Huh?
[02:33] Choro
    Where are we?
[02:35] Kara
    What is this place?
[02:37] Jyu
    What happened?
[02:39] Todo
    No idea. I have no idea, but...
[02:42] Todo
    We're wearing white robes, right?
[02:44] All
    Yeah.
[02:45] Todo
    We have this triangle thing
    on our heads, right?
[02:47] All
    Yeah.
[02:48] Todo
    And that's a river, right?
[02:49] All
    Yeah.
[02:50] Todo
    And the dead are going
    across that river, right?
[02:53] All
    Yeah...
[02:54] Todo
    We're dead, aren't we?
[02:59] Choro
    We're dead!
[03:00] Jyu
    Seriously?!
[03:02] Kara
    What's going on? How did this happen?!
[03:04] Todo
    I don't remember a thing!
[03:07] Ichi
    Yeah, but... there's nothing we can do, right?
[03:10] Ichi
    Today's the last episode.
[03:13] Ichi
    It's all over today, anyway.
[03:14] All
    Ah...
[03:16] All
    I see!
[03:18] Kara
    Good point. It's the end,
    so all that's left is for us to die.
SIGN    "Mr. Osomatsu in Hell"
[03:21] Jyu
    No wonder we're dead!
[03:23] Choro
    We're so dead!
[03:24] Todo
    Done for!
[03:25] Ichi
    Great work, guys.
[03:27] Jyu
    Thanks!
[03:28] All
    Underworld! Underworld, Underworld!
[03:30] All
    Underworld! Underworld, Underworld!
[03:32] All
    Underworld! Underworld, Underworld!
[03:34] All
    Underworld! Underworld, Underworld!
[03:36] All
    Underworld! Underworld, Underworld!
[03:36] Choro
    What's wrong?
[03:38] All
    Underworld... Underworld, Underworld!
[03:38] Oso
    I just...
[03:40] All
    Underworld... Underworld, Underworld!
[03:40] Oso
    have a feeling I've forgotten
    something really important.
[03:44] Choro
    Something important?
[03:45] Choro
    Oh, yeah. You were about to say
    something right before we died...
[03:50] Oso
    What was it?
[03:51] Oso
    I can't shake the feeling that I was
    supposed to tell you guys something.
[03:55] Oso
    Um...
[04:06] Nya
    I didn't hang out with you guys much,
    but rest in peace.
[04:12] Chibi
    Dekapan!
[04:13] Chibi
    Are those supposed to be
    your funeral clothes?
[04:15] Deka
    They are.
[04:20] Choro
    So...
[04:22] Choro
    What's this really important thing?
[04:26] Kara
    Hey!
[04:27] Kara
    It looks like we're here.
[04:31] Oni
    Welcome, souls of the dead!
SIGN    Good
[04:34] Oni
    This is the room of judgment,
    where we will decide
SIGN    Bad
[04:38] Oni
    whether you'll go to Heaven
[04:41] Oni
    or get thrown into Hell!
[04:43] Todo
    Yup. Got it.
[04:44] Oni
    Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold it!
[04:48] Oni
    This is the one who'll decide where you go.
[04:52] Oni
    The great King Enma!
SIGN    Chairman
[05:05] Bros
    Huh?
[05:07] Bros
    Wait, what?!
[05:09] Bros
    Huh?
[05:11] Ichi
    That's Hijirisawa Shonosuke, isn't it?
[05:13] Jyu
    Yup.
[05:14] Kara
    What's going on?
[05:16] Enma
    I'm King Enma.
[05:18] All
    Huh?
[05:18] Enma
    I'm Enma.
[05:20] All
    Huh?!
[05:21] Enma
    I've been keepin' an eye on your daily
    lives for the sake of this day,
[05:26] Enma
    observin' to see if y'all were good or bad.
[05:32] Enma
    But in reality...
[05:41] Enma
    I'm King Enma.
[05:42] All
    What?!
[05:44] Oso
    You are?!
[05:45] Todo
    That startled me!
[05:47] Enma
    Okay, I'm gonna judge y'all now.
[05:50] Enma
    And to Hell y'all go.
[05:53] Choro
    Wait! That was too fast!
SIGN    To Hell
[05:57] Todo
    That's dangerous! The hell
    are you doing, Enma?!
[05:59] Ichi
    Enma, you jerk!
[06:00] Choro
    What the hell?!
[06:01] Jyu
    Don't mess with us!
[06:05] Toto
    On March 26th, the six of them
    unfortunately passed on.
[06:10] Toto
    Their lifelong career as NEETs
    was cut all too short,
[06:14] Toto
    and they were headed toward recovery,
    so this is truly tragic.
[06:19] Toto
    They were all wonderful people,
    and I only have great memories.
[06:22] Toto
    For example...
[06:24] Toto
    Uh... For example...
[06:27] Toto
    Huh?
[06:30] Toto
    Huh?
[06:31] Oso
    Why are we being sent to Hell?!
[06:34] All
    Yeah, yeah!
[06:35] Enma
    Well, ya ain't goin' to
    Heaven! Why would you?
[06:38] Oso
    There're plenty of reasons!
    We've done so many good things!
[06:42] All
    Yeah, yeah!
[06:44] Enma
    Fer example?
[06:45] Oso
    For example?
[06:49] Oso
    For example, you know...
[06:52] Oso
    Totty.
[06:53] Todo
    Hmm?
[06:53] Oso
    Tell the man.
[06:54] Todo
    What?!
[06:55] Todo
    Well, y-you know... For example...
[06:59] Todo
    Like helping people out?
[07:01] Todo
    Also, we may or may not have
    treated our parents well...
[07:04] Todo
    I think I've heard rumors of such.
[07:07] Enma
    Couldja be more specific?
[07:08] Todo
    Specific? Well, Jyushimatsu-niisan
    can tell you all about that.
[07:13] Jyu
    Huh?!
[07:13] Jyu
    Uh... Well, anyway, we lived lives
    worthy of an eternity in Heaven.
[07:19] Enma
    Like, how so?
[07:21] Jyu
    How so, Ichimatsu-niisan?
[07:23] Ichi
    Huh?! I'm sure Choromatsu-niisan
    will tell you.
SIGN    Good
[07:26] Choro
    Wait, wait, wait, wait!
    You tell him, Karamatsu-niisan.
SIGN    Bad
[07:30] Kara
    Wow! Tell him, Osomatsu.
[07:32] Oso
    Huh?! No, you guys tell him!
[07:34] Oso
    We've done lots of good things!
[07:37] Jyu
    For example?
[07:37] Oso
    Huh?! For example... What did we do again?
[07:42] Kara
    It just so happens I can't remember.
[07:44] Choro
    Yeah, funny story...
[07:45] All
    Yup.
[07:46] Enma
    Y'all done?
[07:47] All
    Wait!
[07:49] Choro
    You've got it all wrong! I mean, yeah,
    these bastards are bound for Hell,
[07:53] Choro
    but I deserve to go to Heaven.
[07:55] All
    Huh?!
[07:56] Choro
    I mean, I'm so earnest, and I work so hard!
[07:59] Choro
    So I get to go to Heaven, right?
[08:03] Kara
    It's me who should go to Heaven!
[08:05] Kara
    Why is someone as cool and
    kind as me going to Hell?
[08:09] Kara
    Wake up.
[08:10] Ichi
    You wake up!
[08:11] Ichi
    I'm the only one who
    deserves to go to Heaven,
[08:13] Ichi
    because I'm the only one who
    acknowledges I'm trash.
[08:15] Ichi
    I'm humble, reserved...
    I'm a really good person.
[08:19] Todo
    How?!
[08:20] Todo
    King Enma! I don't think
    I deserve Heaven at all!
[08:20] Oni
    Yeah, I think it might take a little longer...
    Huh? There's a huge line?
[08:23] Todo
    Because I'm a terrible person!
    I regret everything I've done, so...
[08:24] Oni
    Yeah, sorry about that.
[08:25] Jyushi
    Would you stop with that ploy?!
[08:29] Jyu
    I should go to Heaven!
[08:30] Jyu
    Because I'm the funniest
    and the most popular! Thanks!
[08:34] Oso
    Shut up!
[08:35] Jyu
    Boeh!
[08:35] Oso
    Just hurry up and send me to Heaven!
[08:38] Oso
    These guys deserve Hell. Because...
[08:41] Oso
    That's just the man I am.
[08:42] Choro
    The hell are you talking about?!
[08:44] Kara
    Brother! Hurry up and go to Hell!
[08:46] Ichi
    No, you're going to Hell!
[08:48] Todo
    You shitty NEET!
[08:49] Jyu
    You're a shitty NEET, too!
[08:53] Enma
    Hey!
[08:55] Enma
    So, what'd y'all decide?
[08:57] Enma
    Point to the person y'all think
    should go to Hell when I say so.
[09:00] Enma
    Here we go. Ready, and...
[09:03] Enma
    And done.
SIGN    To Hell
[09:09] Enma
    Have a nice time in Hell!
[09:18] Chibi
    Hey! What're you doing?!
SIGN    Matsuno Family Funeral
[09:21] Chibi
    You guys...
[09:23] Both
    Wait!
[09:28] Toto
    What? You're taking them in that truck?
[09:31] Dad
    We couldn't afford anything else.
[09:33] Dad
    But this is more than enough
    for our idiots, anyway.
[09:37] Toto
    Probably.
[09:41] Mom
    Well, see you later.
[09:43] Deka
    Be careful.
[09:45] Dayon
    We'll catch up with you later.
[09:47] Hata
    Bye-bye, jo.
[10:06] Toto
    Chibita-kun?
[10:17] Jyu
    Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
[10:17] Choro
    Ow! It hurts! It hurts!
[10:20] Jyu
    The hell are you doing?!
[10:22] Todo
    Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!
[10:23] Kara
    Hot! Hot!
[10:25] Todo
    Hot, hot!
[10:26] Todo
    Take that!
[10:28] Todo
    Hot, hot, hot!
[10:37] Oso
    Huh? They grew back.
[10:39] Lady
    Okay, one more time.
[10:40] Oso
    Huh?
[10:52] Jyushi
    Bring it!
[10:58] Jyushi
    One more!
[10:59] Both
    That's enough!
[11:03] Jyu
    Not done yet!
[11:04] Both
    Thank you, we're done.
[11:07] Jyu
    Not done yet!
[11:08] Both
    No more!
[11:09] Jyu
    Not done yet!
[11:10] Both
    No more!
[11:11] Jyu
    Not done yet...
[11:12] Both
    Jyushimatsu...
[11:17] Girls
    Kara-chun, wait!
[11:18] Kara
    No!
[11:27] Oni
    Double riichi.
[11:29] Oni
    Double riichi.
[11:31] Oni
    Double riichi.
[11:35] All
    Ron. Kokushi musou.
[11:37] Oso
    What?!
[11:44] Girl 1
    He's so Osomatsu!
[11:45] Girl 2
    So lame!
[11:47] Girl
    What is that?
[11:48] Girl
    He's so small!
[11:49] Oso
    This really is Hell...
[11:52] Guy
    All right, I'm now going to read Totty's
    essays from middle school.
[11:57] Todo
    Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
[11:58] Guy
    "I Want to Be a Flower,"
    by Matsuno Todomatsu.
[12:00] Todo
    Wait! This is way too Hellish! Wait!
[12:02] Guy
    "Flowers are beautiful. Flowers are pretty."
[12:04] Todo
    Wait!
[12:06] Guy
    "I want to make my own flower
    bloom. I will, one day, bloom."
[12:09] Todo
    There it is! The clause swap!
[12:10] Todo
    Everyone does it, right? Right? Right?
[12:12] guy
    "Blooming bathed in sunlight is the flower."
[12:14] todo
    Ending the sentence with a noun!
    It just happens, am I right? Right?!
[12:17] guy
    "But I don't plan to compete with
    the other flowers with my beauty."
[12:21] Todo
    That's enough, isn't it?!
[12:22] Guy
    "Because I don't have to be number one."
[12:25] Todo
    Uh, bad idea, bad idea, bad idea...
[12:26] Guy
    "Because I'm me, the only one."
[12:29] Todo
    Yeah, I think I've heard that phrase before!
[12:31] Todo
    Stuff like that happens... in middle school.
[12:34] Guy
    Next, we have the high school edition.
[12:36] Guy
    "The sky I saw on that day..."
[12:37] Todo
    Seriously, that's enough!
[12:41] Ichi
    Ow!
[12:42] Choro
    Hot!
[12:47] Ichi
    One more time.
[12:49] Todo
    Wait, why are you on that side?
[12:51] Guy
    "My Best Friend," by Matsuno Ichimatsu.
[12:56] ---
    Appirakonpirange!
[13:01] Guy
    Good job.
SIGN    Hell Stamp Card
    Go for Reincarnation
[13:03] Guy
    Just 80 quadrillion, 60 billion years
    until your next reincarnation.
[13:06] Guy
    Keep it up.
[13:13] Kara
    Hey, look over there.
[13:15] Oni
    Work! King Enma hates the dark!
[13:18] Kara
    I thought I hadn't seen them in a while.
[13:20] Oni
    Put your heart into it and turn!
[13:20] Kara
    I guess they died, too.
[13:22] Todo
    So this is where they were.
[13:24] Ichi
    Hey, over there.
[13:28] Ichi
    Looks like he died, too.
[13:30] Todo
    Robots can die?
[13:40] Choro
    This really is the end.
[13:42] Todo
    I've had it...
[13:43] Kara
    I can't...
[13:45] Ichi
    Good work, guys.
[13:47] Jyus
    Thanks.
[13:50] Iya
    Sheeeh!
[13:52] Oso
    Iyami?
[13:54] Iya
    Move! The treasure's waiting for me!
[13:57] Iya
    Me is going treasure hunting!
[14:00] Oso
    Treasure hunting?
[14:06] Oso
    I remember!
[14:08] Choro
    Remember what?
[14:08] Oso
    You know! The thing I forgot!
[14:11] Choro
    Finally?! You remember?
[14:13] Oso
    Yeah!
[14:13] Todo
    What?
[14:13] Kara
    What is it?
[14:15] Oso
    Listen up, guys...
[14:22] Oso
    We've gone to Hell, so we've
    pretty much given up, but...
[14:29] Oso
    Weren't we all...
[14:31] Oso
    still virgins?
[14:33] Choro
    Huh?
[14:34] Choro
    Er...
[14:35] Choro
    Um...
[14:37] Choro
    No, no...
[14:38] All
    True!
[14:39] Choro
    No, no, no!
[14:39] Kara
    That's right! We were still virgins!
[14:42] Jyu
    And yet we died?! Did we give up?
[14:44] Ichi
    How stupid...
[14:45] Todo
    Crap! We have to hurry up and be reborn!
[14:48] Choro
    Hold it!
[14:50] Choro
    Weren't you going to tell us something
    really important right before we died?!
[14:55] Choro
    What happened to the
    rest of that conversation?!
[14:57] Oso
    Huh? Say what?
[14:58] Choro
    Huh?!
[14:59] Ichi
    Choro-chan, who even cares about
    that lame-ass topic right now?
[15:03] Ichi
    We died as virgins.
    That's way more important, isn't it?
[15:09] Choro
    True!
[15:10] Ichi
    Right.
[15:12] Chibi
    Sensei, we can't just give up...
[15:16] Hata
    It's so lonely, jo!
[15:17] Deka
    Can't you do something?
[15:20] Dayon
    Please do something!
[15:22] Toto
    Please, Sensei!
[15:23] Choro
    What are we going to do?!
[15:25] Choro
    I wanna do it now! I wanna go back now!
[15:27] Kara
    Yeah, but...
[15:29] Oso
    Ugh! Jeez!
[15:30] All
    What are we gonna do?!
[15:33] All
    Do something, Akatsuka-sensei!
[15:42] Jyu
    Hey, look!
[15:53] Todo
    Wait, if we climb that,
    will we be brought back to life?
[15:56] Todo
    Seriously?!
[15:57] Kara
    All right, you virgins!
    Time to come back to life!
[16:00] All
    Yeah!
[16:01] Enma
    Hang on there.
[16:04] Enma
    Y'all died.
[16:06] Enma
    Give it up!
[16:10] Choro
    Wait, wait, wait, wait!
[16:11] Ichi
    Let go!
[16:12] Jyu
    Hurgh!
[16:13] Kara
    We still...
[16:14] Todo
    Sensei!
[16:15] All
    Save us!
[16:20] Jyu
    What are you laughing at?!
[16:22] Ichi
    Get a grip, Fujio!
[16:23] Kara
    Save us, Fujio!
[16:24] Choro
    You bastard creator!
[16:27] Chibi
    The hell?!
[16:32] Toto
    Take that!
[16:35] All
    What?!
[16:41] All
    E-Everyone!
[16:43] Todo
    Why are you here? How?!
[16:47] Chibi
    You guys still haven't paid your tab.
[16:50] Chibi
    Who gave you permission to die,
    you idjits, damn it?!
[16:53] Toto
    Honestly!
[16:55] Toto
    Hurry up and come back to life...
[16:57] Toto
    and flatter me to death!
[16:59] Hata
    Friends, jo!
[17:02] Deka
    It's not over yet!
[17:03] Dayon
    Don't give up yet, young men!
[17:06] Five
    Leave this to us, and go!
[17:10] Todo
    Everyone... Thank you.
[17:13] Kara
    Let's go!
[17:27] Six
    We're finished!
[17:32] Six
    Y-You're...
[17:34] Six
    Propershitter!
[17:37] Todo
    Leave this to us.
[17:40] Jyu
    We can't let them finish you just yet.
[17:42] Ichi
    We are all one.
[17:44] Choro
    Give us another chance.
[17:48] Kara
    We've already got our new song ready.
[17:50] Oso
    Don't worry. We sextuplets are invincible.
[17:54] Oso
    Okay...
[17:55] Oso
    Here we go, guys!
[17:58] All
    F6!
[18:11] All
    They're doing it properly!
[18:13] Kara
    Why are you just standing there?!
[18:15] Jyu
    Get brought back to life and Seccross!
[18:16] All
    Yeah!
[18:18] Chibi
    We're not...
[18:19] Toto
    ...the only ones on your side!
[18:22] Both
    Run and don't look back!
[18:26] Oso
    Sousou!
[18:27] Choro
    Maikomatsu!
[18:29] Todo
    Everyone!
[18:33] Sane
    Brothers!
[18:35] Sane
    Brothers!
[18:38] Six
    Sanematsu!
[18:39] Jyu
    You're dead, too? I guess
    I had a feeling you might be!
[18:44] Jyu
    Nice, Sanematsu!
[18:45] Kara
    Run!
[19:07] Osom
    We're not going to let it end...
[19:10] All
    ...like this!
[19:12] Oso
    All right!
[19:18] Oso
    Huh?! What the hell are you doing, Iyami?
[19:23] Ichi
    Hey, hey, hey!
[19:24] Jyu
    Iyami!
[19:28] Iyami
    Sheeeh! It's going to break!
[19:31] Kara
    Hey!
[19:33] Iya
    Stay back! Get off!
[19:38] Oso
    Why, you...
[19:39] Iya
    Osomatsu!
[19:40] Oso
    Iyami!
[19:50] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[19:58] All
    Final Propershitter!
[20:29] Choro
    Wait, what are you going to do?!
[20:31] Todo
    No way!
[20:35] Chibi
    Go!
[20:37] Six
    Stop!
[20:45] All
    Sheeeh!
[21:12] Chibi
    What happened?
[21:13] Deka
    Did they make it?
SIGN    Next Life
SIGN    Sextuplets
[21:32] Oso
    We're back!
[21:34] All
    We're back!
[21:36] Dad
    W-Welcome back?
[21:38] Mom
    Welcome back...
[21:45] Todo
    Our bodies decayed!
[21:47] Choro
    Shit! I'm on fire!
[21:48] Kara
    Hot, hot, hot!
[21:49] Ichi
    Hey, my eyeball fell out.
[21:50] Jyu
    My dick fell off, too!
[21:52] Oso
    What was the point in coming back to life?!
[21:54] Choro
    The hell?!
[21:54] Jyu
    Crap! My balls fell off, too!
[21:56] Oso
    Seriously?!
[21:57] Kara
    What the hell?!
SIGN    Iyami's grave
[22:04] Iya
    Sheeeh!
SIGN    End
SIGN    End Card Illustration Asano Naoyuki
SIGN    See you again someday!!
[23:39] Oso
    Well, everyone...
[23:40] Six
    Thank you for watching!
[23:45] All
    Great job!
[23:47] All
    Great job, great job, great job!
[23:47] Todo
    It's over.
[23:49] Oso
    Yeah, it's over.
[23:50] Some
    So, what do you wanna do now?
[23:52] Choro
    What else? Let's get some prostitutes.
[23:54] Todo
    Prostitutes?
[23:55] Oso
    Is that where this is going?