E1 - The Strongest Maid in History, Tohru! (Well, She is a Dragon)

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:46] Kobayashi
    My head hurts.
[00:48] Kobayashi
    I drank too much.
[01:04] Kobayashi
    Cold!
[01:06] Maid
    We're with Maid Cafe Cozy.
[01:09] Maid
    Please stop by.
[01:11] Maid
    We hope you'll visit.
[01:15] Kobayashi
    Man... my lower back hurts.
SIGN    Stomach Medicine
[01:20] Kobayashi
    Today we're running the integration
    test on that program, huh?
[01:45] Kobayashi
    Dragons.
[01:46] Kobayashi
    The most powerful creatures there are.
[01:49] Kobayashi
    An imaginary creation that breathes fire,
    flies, and sometimes uses magic.
[01:59] Tohru
    Tada!
[02:10] Kobayashi
    Or... so I thought.
[03:48] Tohru
    Good morning, Miss Kobayashi.
SIGN    Horns. Tails. Illusion? Where from? Dragon. Cosplay. Real?  Lack of Sleep? Delusion? Stranger. Girl. Maid.  Will she eat me? Who? Greeting me? Speaking.  I'll be eaten. Too tired?
SIGN    Dream
[03:55] Kobayashi
    Good morning.
[03:57] Tohru
    Would it be all right to come in?
[03:59] Kobayashi
    Oh, sure, come inside.
SIGN    -Working Adult's Response-
[04:04] Kobayashi
    So we met yesterday,
    and I offered to let you stay here?
SIGN    Miss Kobayashi
[04:08] Kobayashi
    Uh, Tohru-san? That's what I said?
[04:11] Tohru
    Yes!
SIGN    Tohru
[04:13] K
    Strange. I'm not waking up from this dream.
[04:16] K
    It's not a dream?
[04:18] K
    No, no...
[04:21] K
    Um...
[04:22] K
    Where did we meet?
[04:23] Tohru
    The mountains!
[04:24] Tohru
    We met in the mountains!
[04:27] K
    The mountains?
[04:30] K
    Mountains...
[04:33] K
    In the mountains...
[04:37] K
    A dragon?
[04:40] K
    Then...
[04:43] K
    Uh...
SIGN    Dragonslayer
[04:48] (Flashback) K
    Want to come to my place?
[04:50] (Flashback) K
    Want to come to my place?
[04:53] T
    I'll never forget those kind words!
[04:56] T
    Please allow me to start
    working here as your maid!
[05:00] K
    You can't.
[05:01] T
    Huh?
[05:02] K
    I don't know if you're a dragon or whatever,
    but I'm not planning on hiring anyone.
[05:08] T
    I-I wouldn't need any pay!
[05:10] K
    No, that's not the problem...
[05:11] T
    I can be useful!
SIGN    Fire                             Curse
[05:14] T
    I can turn this entire area into a sea
    of fire, or curse people to death!
[05:17] K
    No, no, no!
[05:18] K
    Though, why a maid?
[05:20] T
    Because you said a maid would be best!
[05:22] K
    I did?
[05:28] K
    Oh, right.
[05:33] K
    I'm sorry I made a promise I can't keep.
[05:36] K
    But I hope you'll understand...
[05:38] K
    I can't change the impossible.
[05:46] T
    It's absolutely impossible?
[05:49] K
    Yeah, I'm sorry.
[05:55] T
    Understood.
[05:57] T
    My apologies as well, for
    dropping in so suddenly.
[06:14] (Flashback) K
    Want to come to my place?
[06:18] K
    I can't erase this guilt.
[06:24] K
    It's not a dream?
[06:27] K
    If it's not a dream, then...
SIGN    Shift Starts 9:00
[06:34] K
    I'm late?!
[06:35] K
    Tohru!
[06:39] K
    Can you fly?!
[06:51] K
    Super fast!
[06:53] Dragon
    Huh? What'd you say?
[06:54] K
    You're damn fast!
[07:02] K
    I guess I'll hire her.
[07:03] D
    Really?!
[07:04] K
    So you can hear me.
[07:08] K
    Maybe it won't be so bad to have
    someone around from now on.
[07:12] K
    Thinking that way—
[07:15] K
    This really hits my lower back.
[07:21] K
    Ahem.
[07:23] K
    First, let's see what you consider
    proper form for a maid.
[07:28] T
    Very well!
SIGN    Maid Cafe Cozy
[07:29] T
    Here you go.
SIGN    Maid Cafe 
    Cozy
[07:31] T
    Maid Cafe Cozy.
[07:33] K
    What's this?
[07:35] T
    I saw it on the way here.
[07:37] K
    Looks like I'll have to
    teach you from scratch.
[07:39] K
    First, as a housemaid, you clean!
[07:42] T
    I'm good at cleaning!
[07:46] T
    How's that?!
[07:47] K
    What are you doing destroying it?!
[07:48] T
    Now I bring it back.
[07:50] K
    You can bring it back?!
[07:50] K
    Next! Laundry maid!
[07:52] K
    You do laundry!
[07:53] T
    I can handle that, too!
SIGN    I can produce saliva that only removes stains
SIGN    I can produce saliva that  only removes stains.
[08:00] K
    That's filthy! Be mindful of appearances!
[08:02] K
    Next! Parlour maid!
[08:04] K
    You entertain guests.
[08:05] T
    Please leave it to me!
[08:07] Delivery
    Delivery. Please sign here.
[08:09] T
    We have nothing for foolish,
    inferior humans like you!
[08:12] K
    Hey!
[08:13] T
    Oh, you're an exception
    of course, Miss Kobayashi!
[08:16] K
    Last one! Kitchen maid!
[08:18] K
    You cook!
[08:19] T
    I'm the best at that!
[08:21] T
    Here's my roasted tail!
[08:24] K
    No way.
[08:24] T
    Huh?
[08:26] K
    No way.
[08:27] T
    Wha?!
[08:28] T
    Should I have roasted it longer?
[08:30] K
    That's not the problem.
[08:31] T
    I'm confident you'll enjoy
    it, Miss Kobayashi!
[08:33] K
    It doesn't work ethically
    or physiologically.
[08:35] T
    Oh, I see. So you're a picky eater, then?
[08:38] K
    You're biased.
[08:39] T
    Jeez, you're hopeless.
[08:45] K
    It grew back?!
[08:46] T
    It took time to remove the poison, you know!
[08:49] K
    It's poisonous?!
[08:50] K
    Hmm, you don't even know the
    basics of being a maid.
[08:55] T
    I'll learn from the ground up!
[08:56] T
    First, please tell me what you dislike!
[08:59] K
    What I dislike?
[09:01] K
    I'm no good with hijiki or eggplant.
[09:03] T
    I see. I'll remember that.
[09:05] T
    By the way, I dislike eggs
    without yolks myself.
[09:09] T
    My friend, Herensuge,
    was hit with one and killed.
[09:12] K
    That's surreal.
[09:13] K
    Wait, why are you asking about my dislikes?
[09:16] K
    Wouldn't you usually ask what I like?
[09:18] T
    Oh, I can't do that.
[09:20] T
    Many of my friends were actually
    slain using the things they like.
[09:24] T
    Like liquor, women, gems, and such.
[09:26] K
    Not much different from humans.
[09:28] T
    But I'll let you know this one.
[09:31] T
    I love you, Miss Kobayashi!
[09:34] K
    Are you planning to eat me?
[09:35] T
    I don't mean that way! I mean sexually!
[09:38] K
    I'm a woman, though?
[09:40] T
    You saved me, Miss Kobayashi!
[09:42] T
    So I'll use my entire
    being to repay the favor!
[09:45] T
    I'd like you to use me to commute
    to work again tomorrow!
[09:48] K
    I had enough of that today. You're hard.
[09:51] T
    Please give me a chance!
[09:53] T
    I was raised to repay all favors,
    even if owed to foolish, inferior humans!
[09:58] K
    You said "foolish, inferior" again.
[10:01] K
    Tohru. There's a reason I
    won't use you to commute.
[10:06] T
    Your lower back?
[10:07] K
    That's half the reason.
[10:09] K
    The other half is...
[10:12] K
    You stand out!
[10:14] K
    I think dragons are better
    left holding down the fort!
[10:17] T
    Holding the fort?!
[10:19] K
    You're one of the stronger
    dragons, right, Tohru?
[10:21] T
    Strong enough to bring about Armageddon.
[10:23] K
    Don't bring it about.
[10:25] K
    The world's more dangerous lately.
[10:28] K
    It'll be a relief to know you're
    here keeping the house safe.
[10:32] T
    Understood! Leave it to me!
[10:35] K
    Simple-gon.
[10:37] K
    Well, I'm off to the office.
[10:39] K
    If anybody calls, please answer.
[10:42] T
    Calls?
[10:43] K
    Oh, right.
[10:45] K
    This is a phone.
[10:46] K
    When it rings, pick it up like this.
[10:49] K
    Then...
[10:51] T
    Understood!
[10:52] K
    Okay, take care.
[10:53] T
    Have a safe trip!
[10:56] T
    Holding the fort?
[11:01] T
    What were those people doing anyway?
[11:04] T
    I guess I'll ask Fafnir-san.
[11:07] Fafnir
    Kill them.
[11:08] Fafnir
    Kill all who try to steal your treasure.
[11:11] Fafnir
    Kill all you suspect.
[11:13] Fafnir
    Kill them with curses.
[11:14] Fafnir
    Curse their generations to come—
[11:16] T
    That's helpful!
[11:17] T
    All right, time to do my best to
    earn Miss Kobayashi's praise!
[11:25] Thief
    The person living here is away at this hour.
[11:28] Thief
    Let's finish this quickly.
[11:29] Thief
    There.
[11:45] Thief
    Protect us!
[11:47] Thief
    We saw one!
[11:48] Police
    Saw what?
[11:48] Thief
    A monster!
[11:50] K
    I'm home.
[11:52] T
    Welcome home!
[11:53] K
    Hold the fort down well?
[11:55] T
    I was lonely.
[11:56] K
    Hmm.
[11:57] T
    I didn't get to kill them either.
[11:58] K
    Mhmm. Wait, what?!
SIGN    The Strongest Maid in History, Tohru! (Well, She is a Dragon)
SIGN    Episode 1
[12:13] Takiya
    Kobayashi-san.
[12:14] K
    What is it, Takiya-kun?
SIGN    Takiya Makoto
[12:16] M
    Want to go drinking tonight?
[12:18] K
    Well, maybe for one round.
[12:22] K
    There are plenty of other girls you could ask.
[12:25] M
    You're like one of the guys, though.
[12:28] K
    Why you...
[12:32] M
    That girl's looking our way.
    Someone you know?
[12:37] T
    I'm Kobayashi Tohru!
[12:39] T
    I'm a maid living with
    Miss Kobayashi every day.
[12:45] K
    She's one of my relatives,
    and I'm looking after her.
[12:48] M
    I'm Takiya Makoto, her coworker.
[12:51] M
    Nice to meet you, Tohru-chan.
[12:53] T
    Nice to meet you, too.
[12:55] M
    We were just talking about
    going for drinks together.
[12:56] T
    This man is trying to seduce Miss Kobayashi.
[12:58] M
    Would you like to come, too, Tohru-chan?
[12:59] M
    Wait, are you old enough to drink?
[13:00] T
    I won't allow it!
[13:02] T
    Yes, I can drink, stultus.
SIGN    stultus = Latin, fool
[13:05] M
    Stul?
[13:11] K
    A round after work's the best!
[13:14] T
    Miss Kobayashi's so cute!
[13:16] M
    Huh? You're not drinking any liquor, Tohru?
[13:19] T
    No.
[13:20] M
    I see. Well, you can drink what you like.
[13:20] T
    I don't intend to share drinks with you.
[13:23] T
    Still, what do I do about this man?
[13:25] T
    The laws are strict in this world, too.
[13:28] T
    Right!
[13:29] M
    Man, still, today's work
    was rough, wasn't it?
[13:30] T
    I can show off how close
    me and Miss Kobayashi are!
SIGN    Key Performance, Cycle Process, Rewrites, Iterations, Revisions, 
    Solutions, Alpha Tests, Source Level Compatibility, Anti-Pattern, 
    Steering Committee, Transaction Division, Project Management, 
    Development Processes, Frontloading, Metrics, Spiral Models, 
    Evidence, Coders, Dumps, Crashing, Spaghetti Code, Cutovers, Moderation
[13:33] K
    We're only secondary or tertiary
    subcontractors, so what can we do?
[13:37] M
    But when we follow their exact directions,
    it always causes failures, right?
[13:41] M
    And if we don't point it out,
    the developers don't notice either.
[13:44] K
    That's why correcting
    that is part of our job.
[13:49] M
    I know that, I'm just complaining about
    them foisting their problems on us.
[13:52] K
    It's common for schedules to be based on
    people taking on more roles. Common.
[13:53] T
    I can't follow what they're saying at all...
[13:55] T
    Speak Dragon, please.
[13:57] M
    Ah, I'm sorry, Tohru-chan.
[13:59] M
    It's hard for you to join
    in the conversation, right?
[14:03] T
    Th-The level's so low I don't feel
    like joining in, that's all!
[14:05] ---
    Ah.
[14:07] T
    Let's talk more about
    Ragnarok and Armageddon!
[14:10] M
    Huh?!
[14:11] T
    Besides, I've had enough of this!
[14:13] T
    Time to use force!
[14:14] T
    I'll kill you, then leave
    you out to feed the jackals!
[14:19] T
    Miss Kobayashi?
[14:23] K
    Tohru!
[14:25] K
    Maids don't talk like that!
[14:30] T
    She's drunk!
[14:31] K
    First of all, what's with your maid uniform?
SIGN    Gripe
[14:34] K
    Are you underestimating maids?
[14:35] K
    Braid your hair and put it in a cap.
[14:37] K
    We've got enough french maids.
    That's just cosplay now.
[14:40] Makoto
    Here it comes!
[14:42] T
    T-Takiya-san?!
[14:43] M
    Kobayashi-dono!
[14:45] M
    I agree Tohru-tan's a cosplay-level maid!
[14:47] M
    She's just like those foreigners
    pretending to be ninja or samurai!
[14:50] K
    That's right!
[14:51] K
    I'll acknowledge the cuteness
    of the Gothic lolita trend,
[14:53] K
    but that draws a clear
    line as local fashion!
[14:56] M
    Exactly! While lolita and maid
    fashion may acknowledge one another,
[15:00] M
    they should be more careful
    about blending together!
[15:03] M
    In the first place, maid costumes like
    hers spread throughout Japan because...
[15:04] T
    This has gone beyond joining or
    not joining the conversation.
[15:08] K
    Hey, Tohru!
[15:10] K
    We're giving you some high-level maid
    conversations, so talk. Got it?
[15:16] T
    I-I'm sorry.
[15:17] M
    Tohru-tan, those horns of yours really
    raise the cosplay level, too...
[15:22] T
    I'm a dragon, so I don't know
    what you're talking about.
[15:24] K
    Strip.
[15:25] Both
    Huh?
[15:26] K
    Strip!
[15:28] T
    Huh?
[15:29] K
    Hide them!
[15:30] K
    Hide your breasts and loins!
[15:32] K
    Acting embarrassed when you're
    stripped is part of proper behavior!
[15:35] T
    Y-Yes!
[15:36] K
    Not enough embarrassment!
[15:39] K
    Show us what you're made of!
[15:40] T
    H-Humans are terrifying!
[15:41] K
    Bring more liquor and maids!
[15:44] K
    Victorian maids!
[15:47] M
    I'm sorry, Tohru-chan.
[15:49] M
    I usually go drinking with
    Kobayashi-san to chat about maids.
[15:53] M
    I'm secretly an otaku, so outings
    like this are very precious to me.
[15:58] T
    Yes, I understand.
[16:00] T
    In exchange, I'll be surprising you a bit.
[16:18] M
    We'll say I drank too much.
[16:20] M
    You really like Kobayashi-san, huh?
[16:24] T
    Yes.
[16:27] T
    Though I hate you.
[16:52] T
    So humans all soil their
    clothes with waste products?
[16:57] T
    Inferior species!
[16:59] T
    Miss Kobayashi's waste...
[17:03] T
    Hmm, none left.
[17:07] K
    I told you before, didn't I?
[17:09] K
    Stop licking the laundry.
[17:11] T
    Yes.
[17:12] T
    From now on I'll handle it by licking
    you directly, Miss Kobayashi.
[17:14] K
    Don't lick me.
[17:15] K
    Also, there's the way you do laundry!
[17:17] T
    Am I doing it wrong?
[17:18] K
    You are!
[17:19] K
    Try listing the steps for doing laundry.
[17:21] T
    Yes.
[17:22] T
    First, I use my clairvoyance
    to check inside your pockets.
[17:25] K
    Okay.
[17:26] T
    Then I separate them into
    plain and patterned piles,
[17:26] T
    Hurry up and finish!
[17:28] T
    and wash them using separate detergents.
[17:29] K
    Good.
[17:31] T
    Then I wash the delicate fabrics by mouth.
[17:33] K
    Hey!
[17:33] T
    I told you, I produce saliva
    that removes stains.
[17:35] K
    No!
[17:36] K
    I told you appearances are important!
[17:38] T
    Ah, so you mean I should do it like this?
[17:40] K
    That's not the problem here!
[17:41] K
    Also, Tohru!
[17:43] K
    You're always wearing the
    same uniform, aren't you?
[17:45] K
    You can't. You need to change, too.
[17:47] T
    But these are my scales.
[17:48] K
    Scales?!
[17:50] T
    Yes, so I don't need to change.
[17:53] K
    Oh, I see.
[17:55] T
    What's the matter?
[17:58] K
    Oh, well.
[18:00] K
    I bought you some personal clothes, anyway.
[18:05] T
    Thank you very much!
[18:07] K
    Well, you are doing a lot for me,
     so I wanted to thank you.
[18:11] T
    Ah...
[18:12] T
    Miss Kobayashi,
    would you like a sacrifice later?
[18:16] T
    Would you like to drink my fresh blood?
[18:17] K
    Am I a demon?!
[18:19] T
    Heavens no! You're an angel!
[18:21] T
    Oh, but please don't start serving God.
[18:24] K
    Just try it on.
[18:26] T
    Oh!
[18:29] K
    Well?
[18:29] T
    The chest is...
SIGN    Tight
[18:31] K
    Tohru, what size are you?
[18:33] T
    D! For dragon!
[18:35] K
    There you go learning stupid things.
[18:37] K
    Oh, it's already time?
[18:40] K
    Well, Tohru, use the Internet to study up
    on hygiene practices until I get home.
[18:45] T
    The Internet?
[18:46] K
    Oh, right.
SIGN    Hygiene practices
SIGN    Japan's Hygiene Practices
SIGN    <Column> Values (Cleanliness)
SIGN    Hygiene in Daily Life
[18:49] T
    Oh!
[18:51] K
    You look it up like this.
[18:52] T
    Understood!
[18:53] K
    All right, I'm heading off.
[18:55] T
    Have a safe trip.
[19:00] T
    Now, then.
SIGN    Hygiene in Daily Life
SIGN    This site records a special  discussion by food manufacturers growing  food in our nation. The daily life  and rearing of children is also... >Read More
SIGN    Assurance and Health in  People's Everyday Lives
SIGN    What are Hygiene Practices?
SIGN    Definition of Hygiene Practices.  What is Hygiene? Definition, Synonyms.
SIGN    Cleanliness vs uncleanliness. What  is good for human health? >Read More
[19:06] T
    Hmm, I still don't quite get it.
[19:11] T
    I'll ask Fafnir-san again.
[19:14] F
    Kill th—
[19:15] T
    Let's not.
[19:17] T
    I'll ask knowledgeable Quetzalcoatl instead.
[19:21] T
    Hello, Lucoa-san?
[19:23] L
    Tohru-kun? It's been a while.
[19:26] Tohru
    Actually, blah blah, yadda yadda.
[19:27] L
    Mhmm...
[19:30] L
    That's not a problem of clean or filthy, no.
[19:33] T
    Huh?
[19:34] L
    You remember Nidhogg-kun, right?
[19:36] T
    Umm, the one gnawing a
    tree's roots all year long?
[19:38] Lucua
    The world tree's, yeah.
[19:39] Lucua
    No matter how much Nidhogg-kun's
    poisonous fangs pollute it,
[19:42] Lucua
    the goddesses purify it,
    so the tree stays clean. But...
[19:46] T
    Yes?
[19:47] L
    What happens to the spots he gnaws?
[19:50] T
    Ah...
[19:51] T
    I think he still leaves something
    behind. Like a curse or something.
[19:54] L
    Yeah, that's right.
[19:56] L
    This Miss Kobayashi you speak
    of is worried about that.
[19:59] T
    I see now! Thank you very much!
[20:01] L
    Tohru-kun,
[20:03] L
    are you having fun living with people?
[20:08] T
    Yes!
[20:14] T
    The laundry won't dry at this rate, will it?
[20:18] T
    All right.
[20:49] K
    That Tohru...
[20:51] K
    I guess I still need to
    teach her a lot of things.
[20:54] ---
    What?
[20:56] Kanna
    That breath...
[20:57] Kanna
    I found you.
[21:08] T
    Inhaling the scent's okay, right?
[21:15] K
    You don't need to sleep?
[21:17] T
    No. But I want to sleep
    with you, so I'll sleep!
[21:21] K
    Do as you please, then.
[21:23] T
    Yes, I will!
[21:27] K
    Well, good night.
[21:29] T
    Yes, good night.
[21:41] K
    It's cramped.
[21:43] T
    I can't?
[21:45] K
    Well, it's fine.
[22:33] K
    What's wrong?
[22:35] T
    I was fighting. In another world.
[22:39] T
    A sword ran through my body.
[22:43] K
    Did it hurt?
[22:45] T
    It hurt.
[22:47] K
    Does it still hurt?
[22:48] T
    It doesn't hurt now.
[22:51] K
    That's good, then.
[22:53] K
    Good night.
[22:59] T
    Good night.
[23:14] T
    Welcome home, Miss Kobayashi.
[23:17] T
    Welcome home.
[23:19] T
    Hey, hey!
[23:20] K
    What are you looking at and studying?
SIGN    Next Episode
[23:26] T
    Miss Kobayashi!
[23:27] T
    Tell me what you like this time!
[23:29] K
    Maids.
[23:30] T
    You mean me, then?
[23:32] K
    No, not so.
[23:33] T
    What else?
[23:34] K
    Peace.
[23:35] T
    So I'm enough for you!
SIGN    Second Dragon, Kanna! (We're Totally Spoiling Here)
SIGN    Episode 2
[23:36] K
    No, not that either.