E9 - A Goddess for This Corrupt Hot Springs Town!

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:03] K
    Damn it!
[00:05] K
    I wanna talk to whoever's in charge!
[00:06] K
    I'll give them a piece of my mind!
[00:07] Priest
    Oh, my! Whatever is the matter?
[00:10] Priest
    Are you here for conversion? Baptism?
[00:12] Priest
    Or... are you here for me?
[00:15] K
    F-For you?
[00:18] Priest
    I'm just joking!
[00:20] Priest
    Come now, don't take me seriously!
[00:22] Priest
    Are you all right in the head?
[00:23] K
    What do I do now? 
    I want to hit her with a fist!
[00:25] PRiest
    Our high priest, Zesta-sama, is out
    screwing around while proselytizing...
[00:29] (K
    That is, he's out spreading the
    glories of Aqua-sama's name.
[00:29] (K
    Wait, what did you just say?
[00:32] (K
    I'm sorry, but you'll have
    to come back another time.
[00:34] K
    Hang on, did a magic user and
    an arch priest come by here?
[00:38] Priest
    Oh, if you're looking for them...
[00:45] Priest
    By the way, the woman you came here with
[00:47] Priest
    is being stoned by children...
[00:50] K
    Hey! What're you doing?!
[00:53] D
    Kazuma...
[00:55] D
    Even the women and children in
    this town are pretty advanced.
[00:58] K
    Just put away your Eris sect charm already!
    Are you doing this on purpose?
[01:02] D
    I refuse!
[01:03] D
    I refuse!
[01:05] K
    Aqua! Hey, Aqua!
[01:17] A
    Welcome, my lost lamb.
[01:20] A
    Now, tell me of your sins.
[01:23] A
    God will hear them, and will
    surely grant forgiveness.
SIGN    KONOSUBA!
    God's Blessing on this Wonderful World! 2
SIGN    Episode 9  A Goddess for This Corrupt Hot Springs Town!
[02:59] K
    Listen, it's me! Y'know, me?
[03:01] K
    Me!
[03:02] K
    What's with this town? Do something
    about your followers already.
[03:07] A
    I see. You've performed
    the "It's me" scam, then.
[03:10] A
    You must think deeply upon your sins.
[03:13] A
    If you do, surely the merciful goddess,
    Aqua-sama, will forgive you.
[03:18] K
    Why are you trying to stonewall me?!
[03:20] K
    I know what this is.
    You're enjoying this, aren't you?
[03:22] K
    You're tickled that you get to do
    something priestly for once, aren't you?
[03:26] A
    Do you have anything else to confess?
[03:28] A
    If not, then leave here, and live
    a forthright life once again.
[03:32] K
    Damn it, listen!
[03:33] K
    Aren't you an arch priest,
    which are revered around here?
[03:37] K
    If you'd say something to your followers,
    it'd take care of all of this!
[03:40] K
    Control your people a little!
[03:44] A
    Nothing else, then?
[03:46] A
    Well, I must wait for the next lost lamb.
[03:49] (K
    Hey!
[03:50] (K
    Now, go forth.
[03:51] K
    What're you saying?!
    I said get out of there, damn it!
[03:54] A
    You get out! You're done
    confessing, so get out!
[03:58] K
    That little...
[04:05] K
    There is actually something
    I'd like to get off my chest.
[04:09] A
    Well, please, share it with me!
[04:11] A
    Confess now, and admit your sins.
[04:14] A
    Do you have an unhealthy interest
    in a crusader's laundry?
[04:18] A
    A desire to stick a magic user's
    black hair up your nose?
[04:22] A
    Inappropriate carnal feelings for
    a beautiful and noble priest?
[04:28] K
    There's a special cup that a priest
    friend of mine uses for party tricks...
[04:32] K
    I accidentally broke it.
[04:35] K
    Also, she was bragging about how she
    had bought some rare, fancy liquor.
[04:40] K
    So I figured, "How good can it be?"
    and poured a little bit for myself...
[04:44] K
    But it was better than I
    expected, so I drank it all,
[04:47] K
    then replaced it with some cheap hooch since
    I figured she couldn't tell the difference.
[04:50] A
    What are you saying?
    What exactly are you saying, Kazuma?
[04:52] K
    And since the priest in question
    is constantly causing problems,
[04:56] K
    I posted an opening for an Eris sect priest
[04:59] K
    on the adventurer guild's help wanted board—
[05:03] A
    You apostate!
[05:06] K
    Sheesh, I said I was joking.
[05:09] A
    And you're not really
    looking for another priest?
[05:13] K
    Putting aside the first two,
    that last one wasn't true at all.
[05:16] A
    Wait, what was that about the other two?
[05:21] M
    Can we... Can we go home, like, soon?
[05:26] Confessor
    Please... Please, hear me out.
[05:30] Confessor
    I have been a member of the Axis faith
[05:31] Confessor
    and worshiped Aqua-sama for a long time...
[05:33] Confessor
    But!
[05:35] Confessor
    The bountiful chest on the
    portrait of the goddess Eris...
[05:37] Confessor
    It leads me astray!
[05:40] Confessor
    That chest is the chest of a devil!
[05:43] Confessor
    Please forgive my sinful ways in
    being tempted by another goddess.
[05:50] A
    Rest easy.
[05:52] A
    God forgives all.
[05:54] A
    Thou shalt love big breasts.
[05:57] A
    Thou shalt love small breasts.
[06:00] A
    The Axis faith teaches
    forgiveness in all things.
[06:03] A
    Whether you're a lolicon, a NEET,
[06:06] A
    or a questionably-human
    fan of animal-eared girls...
[06:09] A
    As long as you're not interested
    in undead or devil girls,
[06:11] A
    you have love in your heart,
    and you don't break the law,
[06:13] A
    all will be forgiven.
[06:19] A
    Faithful follower,
[06:22] A
    I will share holy words that will
    help you avoid demonic temptation.
[06:26] A
    "Eris pads her chest."
[06:29] A
    The next time you feel you are being
    led astray, chant these words.
[06:32] A
    If you know anyone else being tempted,
    you can share it with them.
[06:37] Dude
    Eris pads her chest...
[06:40] Dude
    I... I feel as though my eyes have been opened!
[06:43] A
    Let's say it once more, together.
[06:45] Both
    Eris pads her chest!
[06:48] Dude
    Thank you for the wonderful incantation!
[06:51] K
    Is it okay for a goddess to get along by
    selling out one of her younger co-workers?
[06:55] A
    Hey, the number and intensity of
    followers is really important for gods!
[06:59] A
    They directly influence our power.
[07:02] A
    I may not have many followers,
[07:05] A
    but their faith is really strong!
[07:08] A
    I'd do anything for my adoring faithful!
[07:13] A
    KONOSUBA!
[07:15] K
    We're back.
[07:17] W
    Welcome back!
[07:19] K
    Are you feeling better?
[07:20] W
    After taking a bath, I felt back to normal.
[07:23] D
    That's good to hear.
[07:25] W
    With no one else here, it was like
    I had the mixed bath all to myself!
[07:30] K
    Does that mean...
[07:32] W
    So, everyone, how did the sightseeing go?
[07:35] M
    The Axis cult... scares me.
[07:38] D
    I-I'm thinking about going
    sightseeing tomorrow, too.
[07:42] K
    Y-You...
[07:44] K
    Well, whatever. Do what you want.
[07:46] K
    I'm gonna head into the bath.
[07:51] K
    I'm heading into the bath.
[07:52] M
    We heard you.
[07:54] W
    Enjoy yourself.
[07:57] K
    I'm—
[07:58] Duo
    Get going already!
[08:06] W
    What a lovely bath.
[08:08] H
    Must be nice to be you this morning.
[08:11] W
    I only came for the baths.
[08:15] W
    You seem pretty worn out, though.
[08:18] H
    This place is a demon city...
[08:21] W
    You've got your hands full, huh?
[08:24] W
    By the way...
[08:34] W
    He's been looking right
    at me this whole time...
[08:37] W
    Excuse me, but being stared at like
    this is kind of embarrassing—
[08:42] K
    Don't mind me.
[08:44] W
    R-Right... It's a mixed bath, after all.
[08:47] K
    Don't mind me.
[08:56] K
    What a bashful lady!
[09:05] H
    Damn it, I try to be nice,
[09:09] H
    and it's conversion this, proselytize that,
[09:11] H
    and they just don't freaking shut up
    about it for a single second, damn it!
[09:18] K
    Guess the town's getting to him, too.
[09:26] H
    This town...
[09:30] K
    Better not get mixed up with him.
[09:35] Worker
    How's that, sir?
[09:36] K
    Oh, that's the spot!
[09:40] Worker
    This soap is nice and sudsy, right?
[09:42] K
    Huh, I guess.
[09:45] Worker
    It can cure any kind of abnormal
    status, and not only that...
[09:49] Worker
    It's actually edible! It only uses
    natural ingredients, so it's sacred!
[09:52] Worker
    You get some if you join the faith!
[09:54] Worker
    And it's free!
[09:55] K
    No, thanks!
[09:56] Worker
    If you join now you, can get
    double points! It's all free!
[09:59] H
    Don't try to trick me by dressing it up
    with talk of appealing stuff like points!
[10:02] H
    KONOSUBA!
[10:07] K
    I wanna go home. I wanna go home already.
[10:08] M
    Hup!
[10:10] D
    Hey, Megumin! It's rude to swim in the bath!
[10:13] M
    Come on, don't worry about that.
[10:15] D
    H-Hey! What are you doing?!
[10:17] M
    Why are you acting so embarrassed?
[10:19] M
    We're in a rough line of work.
    We can't afford to be so dainty!
[10:23] D
    Your logic doesn't make sense!
[10:24] D
    Oh, my towel!
[10:31] M
    I was originally just going to drag
    that pair of lazybones outside,
[10:34] M
    then hunt the crowds of undead that
    Aqua attracts with Kazuma, but...
[10:39] D
    That's what you were after?
[10:42] D
    In any case, what kind of man is he?
[10:45] D
    He seems conservative
    and cowardly at times,
[10:47] D
    but he never lets social standing bother him,
[10:49] D
    and will get aggressive against nobles...
[10:52] D
    You could say he's odd,
    or maybe just strange—
[10:54] D
    Shh!
[10:56] M
    Next to us is the mixed bath.
[10:58] M
    If he had to choose either the
    men's bath or the mixed one,
[11:01] M
    which do you think he'd choose?
[11:02] D
    He might be timid and tend to
    blanch at the crucial moment,
[11:06] D
    but with the right justification, he wouldn't
    hesitate to enter the mixed bath.
[11:13] M
    Kazuma, you're there, aren't you?
[11:16] M
    You're breathing hard with
    your ear against the wall,
[11:19] M
    imagining where Darkness
    is going to wash first, right?
[11:22] D
    M-Megumin, why make me the example?!
[11:25] D
    Hey, Kazuma! Are you there?
    You are, aren't you?!
[11:30] D
    I guess he's not there.
[11:32] M
    Maybe I shouldn't have suspected him...
[11:36] M
    I'll just surreptitiously treat
    him to a drink later.
[11:39] D
    I suppose it actually was rude.
[11:42] M
    He has his faults, but he's
    pretty reliable in the end.
[11:46] D
    He might not seem like it,
[11:48] D
    but he always helps his
    friends when they need it.
[11:52] D
    He's not earnest about anything,
    but at his core, he's a good person.
[11:56] K
    I'm starting to feel embarrassed
    about eavesdropping...
[11:59] D
    By the way, Megumin, I was
    curious about how your butt—
[12:03] M
    Hold it right there!
[12:04] M
    You may be my friend, Darkness,
    but one more word, and you will pay!
[12:08] D
    S-Stop it!
[12:10] M
    Honestly, what is it with
    these indecent breasts?!
[12:17] D
    S-Stop!
[12:20] M
    Now!
[12:25] M
    See, I knew it!
[12:27] M
    He was there the whole time, after all!
[12:29] D
    It makes sense.
[12:30] D
    I feel Kazuma's lusty gaze on me every day.
[12:32] D
    There's no way someone as oversexed
    as him wouldn't be in the mixed bath!
[12:37] K
    Create Water!
[12:40] M+D
    That's cold!
[12:44] K
    Hey, don't throw the cat!
[12:46] M
    Wash her in exchange for your eavesdropping!
[12:50] K
    Must suck for you, having
    such a weird owner, huh?
[13:01] K
    KONOSUBA.
[13:03] A
    This is too much!
[13:06] A
    I just went into the baths!
[13:10] W
    Y-Your tears really sting when
    they hit me, Aqua-sama...
[13:15] K
    So how many people did you
    make trouble for today?
[13:18] A
    What do you mean, trouble?!
[13:20] A
    Why do you assume I did something wrong?!
[13:23] W
    It seems, when Aqua-sama went into
    the secret baths at the main church,
[13:26] W
    the hot springs changed
    into regular hot water...
[13:29] A
    And they kicked me out!
[13:31] A
    Why am I getting kicked out by
    the church that worships me?!
[13:35] A
    Tell me why!
[13:38] K
    Come to think of it, she purified
    the tea into water, too...
[13:41] A
    But the part that made me maddest
    was when I met the guy in charge...
[13:45] (Flashback) A
    I apologize for purifying the
    hot springs into hot water,
[13:48] (Flashback) A
    but I couldn't help it.
[13:50] (Flashback) A
    After all, it's because I am the
    goddess of water, Aqua, in the flesh!
[14:01] A
    I'm a goddess! I'm a goddess, and he did that!
[14:11] A
    This town's danger is in peril!
[14:14] K
    What exactly does "danger in peril" mean?
[14:16] K
    You were crying all night, and now...
[14:18] A
    The guy managing the springs told me this...
[14:21] (Flashback) Dude
    The quality of the hot springs
    has been dropping a bit lately.
[14:26] A
    This is probably the Devil
    King's army realizing
[14:28] A
    they'd never win a direct
    confrontation with my followers,
[14:31] A
    so instead, they attack our source
    of income, the hot springs!
[14:34] K
    Really? Wow, that's something.
[14:35] A
    Believe me!
[14:37] M
    I admit it's true that most people are
    disgusted by and dislike the Axis cult,
[14:41] M
    but why bother with such
    an elaborate conspiracy?
[14:45] A
    I'm going to stand up for this town!
[14:48] A
    So, you'll all help me, right?
[14:52] K
    I'm busy with walking around
    town and other stuff.
[14:55] M
    I already know how terrifying
    the Axis cult is,
[14:59] M
    so I'd rather not get involved.
[15:02] A
    Why?!
[15:04] A
    Who cares about your dumb walk?!
[15:06] A
    And you don't have to hate my
    followers so much, Megumin!
[15:09] A
    Wh-What about you, Darkness?
[15:11] D
    W-Well, I'm... you know...
[15:14] A
    Please!
[15:16] D
    Fine! Fine, I'll help! I'll help you,
    so stop purifying my grape juice!
[15:20] K
    Wiz is soft on you, so maybe she'll help?
[15:24] A
    I was crying to her all night, and in the
    morning, she was fading away again...
[15:28] A
    So I let her get some rest.
[15:30] V
    Come on... Come to me!
[15:33] K
    Why don't you save Wiz before the town?!
[15:35] V
    Come on, come to me!
[15:44] K
    Sitting here like this,
    the town seems pretty nice.
[15:47] M
    You're right.
[15:49] M
    The scenery is nice, and the food is good...
[15:52] M
    The only problem is the people.
[15:54] Granny
    My, what nice weather!
[15:56] Granny
    Is this a blessing from Aqua-sama?
[15:58] Both
    Here comes one!
[15:59] Granny
    And here's the thing about this pot...
[16:02] Granny
    Nothing burns in it!
[16:03] Granny
    Join the faith now and
    you are guaranteed one!
[16:06] Granny
    So, how about it?
[16:08] Granny
    No need to to be shy!
[16:10] Guy
    Hmm?
[16:11] Girl
    Wow, out for a stroll?
[16:13] Girl
    For you, big brother!
[16:14] Dude
    For you, little sister!
[16:16] Girl
    Join now and you get another, free!
[16:18] Dude
    Hey, why won't you look me in the
    eye when I'm talking to you?!
[16:22] Dude
    I'm doing this for your sake!
    It's for your own good!
[16:28] M
    Do you think you could swallow a bar of soap?
[16:34] H
    I don't have that much...
[16:35] H
    I don't have that much to wash, all right?!
[16:38] H
    Soap, detergent, soap,
    detergent, soap, detergent...
[16:41] M
    Swallow.
[16:42] H
    Soap, detergent, soap,
    detergent, soap, detergent—
[16:44] M
    Swallow.
[16:45] H
    Soap, detergent, soap,
    detergent, soap, detergent,
[16:47] (M
    Swallow.
[16:48] H
    soap, detergent, soap,
    detergent, soap, detergent,
[16:50] H
    soap, detergent, soap,
    detergent, soap, detergent!
[16:53] (M
    I can't swallow this!
[16:55] (M
    It'd make me too clean...
[17:02] W
    Kazuma-san!
[17:07] K
    Wiz? You feeling better?
[17:09] W
    Yes, thank you.
[17:11] W
    For a moment, I saw my party members
    from when I was an adventurer
[17:15] W
    trying to wave me away from
    the other side of a river,
[17:19] W
    but I managed to recover!
[17:21] K
    Doesn't that mean...
[17:23] W
    What were you doing out here?
[17:25] K
    Well, actually—
[17:27] K
    Huh? Wasn't he just...
[17:30] M
    There was detergent...
    uh, a man there a moment ago.
[17:33] W
    Oh, my.
[17:34] A
    Slay the demons! Defeat the Devil King!
[17:37] M
    That voice...
[17:39] K
    I've got a bad feeling about this.
[17:40] A
    Slay the demons! Defeat the Devil King!
[17:44] A
    My Axis Church faithful!
[17:46] A
    The Devil King's army is currently
    plotting sabotage against this town!
[17:51] D
    ...town.
[17:52] A
    As for what exactly they're doing,
    they've put poison in the town's hot springs!
[17:57] A
    Their villainous deeds have already been
    confirmed at a number of hot springs!
[18:03] D
    ...of hot springs.
[18:04] Girl
    I just was in the hot springs,
    and nothing was wrong.
[18:08] A
    That's because I've been making rounds to
    the hot springs and purifying them all!
[18:13] K
    So she spent her morning doing
    a hot springs tour, huh?
[18:16] A
    But we can't rest easy yet!
[18:18] A
    Which is why I'd like to ask for your help!
[18:21] A
    Until this case is solved,
    please don't use the hot springs!
[18:25] Dude
    But this is a hot springs city, priest lady!
[18:28] Dude
    If you tell people not to go into our
    number one attraction, the hot springs,
[18:32] Dude
    things are gonna dry up around here!
[18:34] Lady
    Why would the Devil King's
    army do that, anyway?
[18:36] A
    Because they intend to cut off the
    Axis Church's source of income!
[18:40] A
    Yes, the Devil King's army fears
    those of the Axis faith!
[18:44] A
    It's definitely not because I'm
    trying to stop the rest of you
[18:48] A
    because it's unfair that only
    I don't get to use the baths!
[18:51] A
    Now, Axis faithful—
[18:53] Dudes
    There she is!
[18:55] Dudes
    That's the pain-in-the-butt woman who's been
    turning all the hot springs into hot water!
[19:00] A
    Wait—
[19:01] Dudes
    Catch her, everyone!
[19:02] Dudes
    Tie her up! Let's tie her up!
[19:04] Crowd
    I thought it sounded fishy!
[19:06] Crowd
    You were trying to trick us, eh?!
[19:08] Crowd
    Is this some new kind of scam?
[19:09] Crowd
    What are you really after?!
[19:10] Crowd
    We work so hard to try and
    make the world a better place!
[19:13] K
    This is a wild change of events.
[19:15] A
    I-It's not like that!
[19:16] A
    There's a good reason for all this!
[19:18] W
    I think Aqua-sama is about to start crying!
[19:21] A
    Everyone, calm down! Just listen to me!
[19:24] A
    Hey, Darkness, don't just
    sit there! Say something!
[19:27] A
    Just like we rehearsed!
[19:29] A
    You're supposed to beg the
    Axis Church for its help!
[19:32] A
    Say it! Quit being shy, and just do it!
[19:36] D
    P-Please help, Axis Church...
[19:39] Dude
    We can't hear you, blonde lady!
[19:42] K
    Poor thing.
[19:43] A
    Oh, fine! Then I'll reveal my identity!
[19:47] A
    Honored followers of the Axis faith,
[19:50] A
    my name is Aqua.
[19:53] A
    Yes, I am the one you worship,
[19:56] A
    Aqua, the goddess of water!
[19:59] A
    I have come here personally to help you all!
[20:09] Dudes
    Quit screwing around!
[20:11] Dudes
    If you think you can pretend to be Aqua-sama
[20:14] Dudes
    because you have blue hair
    and eyes, you'll be cursed!
[20:16] Dudes
    We still oughta tie her up!
    Tie her up and toss her in the lake!
[20:19] Dudes
    If she's really the goddess of water,
    Aqua-sama, she'd be fine in a lake!
[20:23] Dudes
    Liar!
[20:26] Dudes
    I bet you're actually a servant
    of the Devil King's army
[20:29] Dudes
    here to bankrupt our hot
    spring city, aren't you?!
[20:34] A
    It's true! I'm actually a goddess!
[20:40] A
    But I'm the goddess of this town...
[20:43] A
    They're so mean!
[20:46] A
    Why did I get stoned by my own followers?!
[20:50] W
    Aqua-sama, p-please drink this and calm down.
[20:54] W
    Otherwise, your agitated holy aura
    is going to hit me, and I'll...
[21:01] A
    I want booze.
[21:03] K
    You're not really that upset, are you?
[21:04] M
    I understand you're desperate,
[21:07] M
    but calling yourself a god is a bit much.
[21:10] A
    But if they go into polluted
    water, they'll get sick...
[21:15] K
    Why are you trying to help them
    after what they put you through?
[21:20] A
    But if I don't do anything,
    my dear followers will...
[21:26] Crowd
    Slay the demons! Defeat the Devil King!
[21:30] Crowd
    Slay the demons! Defeat the Devil King!
[21:33] Crowd
    Slay the demons! Defeat the Devil King!
[21:37] Crowd
    Slay the demons! Defeat the Devil King!
[21:41] Crowd
    Slay the demons! Defeat the Devil King!
[21:44] Crowd
    Slay the demons! Defeat the Devil King!
[21:45] K
    What is this?!
[21:46] A
    What's going on?
[21:47] A
    Have my adoring faithful decided
    to believe me and drop by?
[21:48] ---
    Slay the demons! Defeat the Devil King!
[21:51] Crowd
    There she is!
[21:52] Crowd
    The witch who claims the name of a goddess!
[21:56] Crowd
    Time for a witch hunt!
SIGN    Episode 10
SIGN    God's Blessing on This Wonderful Party!
SIGN    My dear friends Funifura-san and Dodonko-san. Please don't come to visit! I know you said you're two days away from Axel, but please turn back right away!  I assure you, I am not just pretending. Right now, the town is suffering from  unprecedented storms and earthquakes as the Devil King's generals are waging a siege; things are very dangerous. And is there something  you enjoy about cornering someone?! Well?! Is there?! -Yunyun
[23:31] YY
    My dear friends Funifura-san and Dodonko-san.
[23:34] YY
    Please don't come to visit!
[23:36] YY
    I know you said you're 
    two days away from Axel,
[23:38] YY
    but please head back—