E1 - This Self Proclaimed Goddess and Reincarnation in Another World!

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:05] Kaz
    There we go...
[00:07] Kaz
    I normally shut myself in at home,
[00:10] Kaz
    but unusually for me,
    today I made up my mind to go out.
[00:17] Kaz
    All to get my hands on
    the first-run limited edition
[00:19] Kaz
    of a popular online game
    that goes on sale today.
[00:31] Kaz
    A five-hour round trip!
    I'm glad I was able to buy it.
[00:34] Kaz
    In-store exclusives, official or not,
    really are playing dirty.
[00:40] Kaz
    This sunlight is my worst enemy
    after three straight all-nighters.
[00:44] Kaz
    Time to get home and play the hell out of this.
[00:52] Kaz
    A girl from my high school?
[00:58] Kaz
    Look out! That truck's going to—
[01:05] Kaz
    Why would I choose now, of all times,
[01:08] Kaz
    to do something so out of character?
[01:24] Aqua
    Satou Kazuma-san.
[01:27] Aqua
    Welcome to the afterlife.
[01:31] Aqua
    Unfortunately, you passed away moments ago.
[01:39] Aqua
    Your life was a short one,
[01:43] Aqua
    but you are, in fact, dead.
[01:49] Kaz
    Just one question...
[01:52] Kaz
    What about the girl I
    pushed out of harm's way?
[01:56] Aqua
    She's alive.
[01:59] Kaz
    Thank goodness.
[02:01] Kaz
    That means my death wasn't in vain.
[02:06] Aqua
    Actually, she wouldn't have gotten hurt,
[02:09] Aqua
    even if you hadn't pushed her out of the way.
[02:11] Kaz
    Huh?
[02:12] Aqua
    That tractor was going to stop before it hit her.
[02:16] Kaz
    Huh? Wait a second.
[02:18] Aqua
    What is it?
[02:19] Kaz
    "Tractor"?
[02:21] Aqua
    Yes, it was a tractor.
[02:24] Kaz
    Huh? Then what happened?
[02:26] Kaz
    Did I die by getting plowed over by a tractor?
[02:28] Aqua
    No, you died of shock.
[02:30] Aqua
    You mistakenly thought a truck ran over you.
[02:33] Kaz
    I died of shock?!
[02:38] Aqua
    I've been doing this for a long time,
[02:40] Aqua
    but you're the first human to
    ever die in such a bizarre way.
[02:45] Kaz
    I've never even met this girl
    before. What's her deal?
[02:48] Aqua
    You were so terrified that you'd
    be run over, you wet yourself.
[02:51] Aqua
    You passed out and were
    taken to a nearby hospital,
[02:54] Aqua
    and the doctors and nurses laughed
    at you as you had a heart attack—
[02:56] Kaz
    Stop! I don't wanna hear it!
[02:58] Kaz
    I don't wanna hear it! I don't wanna hear it!
[03:00] Aqua
    Your family just rushed to the hospital,
[03:02] Aqua
    and now even they're laughing
    out loud at the cause of death.
[03:05] Kaz
    Stop! Stop!
[03:06] Aqua
    Well...
[03:09] Aqua
    I've vented enough stress for now.
[03:12] Kaz
    Damn her!
[03:13] Aqua
    My name is Aqua.
[03:16] Aqua
    I'm a goddess who guides humans
    who die young to the afterlife.
[03:20] Aqua
    You have two choices.
[03:23] Aqua
    You can start from square one with a new life,
[03:25] Aqua
    or you can go to Heaven and
    carry on like an old man.
[03:29] Aqua
    To tell you the truth,
[03:32] Aqua
    Heaven isn't the dreamy place
    you all imagine it to be.
[03:35] Kaz
    Huh?
[03:36] Aqua
    Not only is there no TV, there are
    no manga or games, either.
[03:38] Aqua
    You don't even have a physical body,
[03:40] Aqua
    so you can't do anything sexual, either.
[03:44] Aqua
    There's nothing to do there but
    bask in the sun for all eternity.
[03:47] Kaz
    What?
[03:49] Aqua
    Yeah, you don't want to go to a
    boring place like Heaven, do you?
[03:53] Kaz
    Uh, right...
[03:55] Aqua
    On the other hand, starting over
    from square one isn't so fun, either.
[03:59] Aqua
    On that note, I've got a great offer for you.
[04:01] Aqua
    You like games, don't you?
[04:03] Kaz
    Huh?
[04:05] Aqua
    That world, which has long enjoyed peace,
[04:08] Aqua
    is being threatened by the Devil King's army!
[04:11] Aqua
    The livelihoods its citizens have worked
    for are being trampled by monsters.
[04:15] Aqua
    Everyone lives in fear of the Devil King's
    army's merciless pillage and slaughter!
[04:20] Aqua
    ...slaughter!
[04:24] Aqua
    Since that's the sort of world it is,
    everyone refuses to be reborn,
[04:28] Aqua
    so the population is declining.
[04:30] ---
    I see...
[04:31] Aqua
    So we decided, "Why not send people who've
[04:33] Aqua
    died in other worlds there with their
    bodies and memories intact?"
[04:38] Kaz
    What's the point in sending me there
    if I'm just going to be killed?
[04:41] Aqua
    That's why I'm doing you a big favor.
[04:43] Aqua
    I'm granting you the right to bring any
    one thing of your choosing with you.
[04:47] Aqua
    It could be a powerful weapon,
    or a tremendous talent.
[04:51] Aqua
    You'll be able to redo your life
    with all of your original memories.
[04:54] Aqua
    To top it off, you can bring
    one thing of your choosing!
[04:58] Aqua
    And the people of the parallel world
[04:59] Aqua
    will earn someone battle-ready to help them.
[05:02] Aqua
    Not a bad deal, don't you think?
[05:07] Kaz
    Um, I want to ask something.
[05:10] Kaz
    Will I be able to speak this
    other world's language?
[05:13] Aqua
    That won't be an issue.
SIGN    Parallel World Reincarnation Guide and Contract 
    The First Ever Parallel World Guide! (For Shut-ins)
[05:16] Aqua
    With the kind support of us gods,
[05:19] Aqua
    we'll overload your brain so you'll
    be able to learn it instantly.
SIGN    Caution!
    Because the process of installing the ability to speak the parallel world's language into the one 
    who wishes to be reincarnated there (henceforth referred to as "Reincarnated") requires 
    instantaneous overloading of the hippocampus and cerebral cortex (henceforth referred to as 
    "Brain"), Reincarnated's Brain may, in rare cases, lose certain faculties (go "p°°f"). Should 
    this occur, according to Article 1296 Clauses 2 and 5 and Article 2051 Clause 3, 
    Reincarnated may not hold those responsible for his reincarnation accountable.
[05:23] Aqua
    As a side effect,
[05:24] Aqua
    you might just go "poof"
    if you're unlucky, though.
[05:26] Aqua
    So all that leaves you to do is to choose
    a powerful ability or piece of equipment.
[05:33] Kaz
    I just heard you mention
    something really serious.
[05:36] Kaz
    What do you mean, "poof"?
[05:37] Aqua
    I never said that.
[05:38] Kaz
    Yes, you did.
[05:40] Aqua
    Now, choose!
[05:43] Aqua
    I'll grant you one power
    that is second to none!
[05:51] Kaz
    This is my gamer's intuition talking,
[05:52] Kaz
    but all of the abilities and equipment
    here are totally broken!
[05:55] Kaz
    If I'm going to a world where magic exists,
    I absolutely have to try it out!
[06:00] Aqua
    Hey, hurry it up.
[06:02] Aqua
    No matter what you pick, it's all the same.
[06:04] Aqua
    Nobody's expecting much from
    a shut-in game otaku anyway.
[06:07] Kaz
    I-I'm not an otaku!
[06:09] Kaz
    And I died after leaving my house,
    so I'm not a shut-in, either!
[06:14] Aqua
    None of that matters. Just hurry it up.
[06:17] Aqua
    I've still got lots more deceased
    humans to guide, you know.
[06:20] Kaz
    Damn her!
[06:22] Kaz
    Getting all cocky just because
    she's a little bit cute...
[06:31] Kaz
    "Hurry up and decide," huh?
[06:33] Kaz
    I'll do just that, then.
[06:35] Kaz
    Pick one thing to bring to
    this parallel world, right?
[06:38] Aqua
    That's right.
[06:42] Kaz
    Okay, I pick you.
[06:50] Aqua
    All right, stand there and
    don't leave the magic circle—
[06:54] Aqua
    What did you just say?
[07:02] Angel
    We have heard your request.
[07:04] Angel
    I shall take over your job
    from here on out, Aqua-sama.
[07:09] Aqua
    Huh?
[07:10] Angel
    Satou Kazuma-san's wish complies with
    the regulations and has been accepted.
[07:14] Aqua
    Hey, what is all this? Wh-What?
    You've got to be kidding.
[07:18] Aqua
    No, no, no! Come on, um...
[07:20] Aqua
    This is not right! Taking a goddess
    with you is against the rules!
[07:25] Aqua
    It must be illegal! This has to be illegal!
[07:28] Aqua
    Wait! Wait!
[07:30] Angel
    Please have a safe trip, Aqua-sama.
[07:33] Angel
    Should you successfully defeat the Devil King,
[07:35] Angel
    I will send someone to pick you up.
[07:37] Aqua
    I may have the ability to
    heal since I'm a goddess,
[07:40] Aqua
    but I have no fighting ability to speak of!
[07:42] Aqua
    There's no way I can beat the Devil King!
[07:45] Aqua
    Hey, wait!
[07:49] Kaz
    How does it feel to get dragged away with
    the guy you treated like a total idiot?
[07:56] Kaz
    You've been designated as the one 
    thing I'll be bringing along,
[07:59] Kaz
    so if you're a goddess,
    use your godly powers
[08:01] Kaz
    or whatever to make my
    life as easy as possible!
[08:04] Aqua
    No!
[08:05] Aqua
    I don't want to go to a parallel
    world with a man like this!
[08:13] Angel
    Brave hero, I pray that of the
    great many prospective heroes,
[08:17] Angel
    you will be the one to defeat the Devil King.
[08:20] Angel
    If you do so, we shall grant any wish
[08:23] Angel
    you desire as a gift from the gods.
[08:25] Kaz
    Whoa, for real?!
[08:28] Aqua
    That's my line!
[08:29] Angel
    Now, go forth on your journey!
[08:34] Aqua
    No!
SIGN    The Town of Beginning Adventurers
SIGN    The Town of Beginning Adventurers
SIGN    Axel
SIGN    The Town of Beginning Adventurers
SIGN    Axel
SIGN    The Town of Beginning Adventurers
SIGN    Axel
SIGN    The Town of Beginning Adventurers
SIGN    Axel
[09:03] Kaz
    It's a parallel world.
[09:05] Kaz
    Hey, this really is a parallel world!
[09:07] Kaz
    W-Wait, I'm really going to be using magic
[09:12] Kaz
    and going on adventures
    in this world from now on?
[09:18] Kaz
    Goodbye, shut-in life! Hello, new world!
[09:22] Kaz
    I can really start anew in this world!
[09:26] Kaz
    Hey, shut up.
[09:27] Kaz
    What am I going to do if everyone
    thinks I'm friends with a crazy woman?
[09:31] Kaz
    More importantly, isn't there something you're
    supposed to give me at a time like this?
[09:35] Kaz
    Look at what I'm wearing. I'm in a tracksuit.
[09:37] Kaz
    Here I am in a fantasy world,
    and all I have is a single tracksuit.
[09:41] Kaz
    Isn't there a bare minimum of
    starter equipment I should—
[09:53] Kaz
    Wh-What the heck?! Stop! Stop it!
[09:55] Kaz
    I get it, okay?! I'm sorry!
[09:58] Kaz
    If you hate it that much,
    then you can go home.
[10:00] Kaz
    I'll work out the rest on my own.
[10:03] Aqua
    What are you talking about?!
[10:04] Aqua
    I'm in trouble because I can't go back!
[10:06] Aqua
    What do I do? Huh? What am I gonna do?
[10:08] Aqua
    What am I supposed to do from now on?!
[10:12] Kaz
    Hey, calm down, Goddess.
[10:14] Kaz
    Times like these call for guilds.
[10:16] Kaz
    Going to places like that to gather
    intel is what you do in RPGs.
[10:21] Aqua
    Huh? You're supposed to be
    some game otaku shut-in.
[10:25] Aqua
    Why are you so reliable?
[10:27] Kaz
    All right! Let's go, Goddess.
[10:28] Aqua
    Hey, wait.
[10:31] Aqua
    You can call me "Goddess" if you like,
[10:33] Aqua
    but when you can, call me "Aqua,"
    so we don't cause a commotion.
[10:36] Kaz
    I get it.
[10:38] Kaz
    If you're a goddess,
[10:39] Kaz
    wouldn't you know where we can
    find an adventurer's guild?
[10:42] Aqua
    I'm a goddess.
[10:44] Aqua
    There's no way I'd know about
    every little lowly place like that.
[10:49] Kaz
    This girl's useless...
[10:51] Shop
    Thanks for your business.
[10:52] Customer
    Thank you. Up we go...
SIGN    Adventurer's Guild
SIGN    Adventurer's Guild
SIGN    Adventurer's Guild
SIGN    Adventurer's Guild
SIGN    Adventurer's Guild
SIGN    Adventurer's Guild
SIGN    Adventurer's Guild
SIGN    Adventurer's Guild
[10:57] Kaz
    Looks like this is the place.
[11:04] Aqua
    Scary!
[11:07] C
    Welcome! If you're here to eat,
    please take any open seat.
[11:11] C
    If you need job guidance,
    head to the counter inside.
[11:14] Kaz
    Thank you.
[11:21] Man
    Hey!
[11:23] Man
    Haven't seen you around here before.
[11:26] Man
    And what's with the weird clothes?
[11:29] Kaz
    Oh, we've actually come a long way,
    and we just got into town.
[11:36] Kaz
    I want to become an adventurer
    to fight the Devil King's army, too.
[11:41] Man
    Is that right, you reckless punk?
[11:43] Man
    Welcome to the gates of Hell!
[11:46] Man
    If you're lookin' for the guild
    admission desk, it's over there.
[11:52] Aqua
    Hey.
[11:54] Aqua
    How can you make up a story
    like that on the spot?
[11:58] Kaz
    Listen, Aqua.
[11:59] Aqua
    Okay.
[12:00] Kaz
    Today we'll register with a guild
    and find a place to stay the night.
[12:04] Aqua
    G-Got it. I don't know anything about games,
[12:07] Aqua
    but I guess that's how it works
    in worlds like this, right?
[12:10] Kaz
    Exactly. All right, let's go.
[12:12] Aqua
    Oh, wait.
[12:14] Aqua
    You seem like such a capable guy.
[12:17] Aqua
    Why were you a shut-in otaku with
    no friends or girlfriend before?
[12:21] Aqua
    Why did you seclude yourself every day
    and act like such a shut-in NEET?
[12:24] Kaz
    Stop calling me a shut-in NEET, you bitch.
[12:26] Kaz
    Don't lump "shut-in" and "NEET" together.
[12:31] Luna
    Hello. What can I do for you today?
[12:34] Kaz
    Um, we'd like to become adventurers.
[12:36] Luna
    I see.
[12:38] Luna
    In that case, you'll first need
    to pay the registration fee.
[12:41] Kaz
    Sure, sure...
[12:42] Kaz
    Huh? Registration fee?
[12:46] Kaz
    Do you have any money?
[12:48] Aqua
    You dragged me here without any warning.
[12:50] Aqua
    Of course I don't.
[12:52] Kaz
    This girl's useless...
[13:02] A
    Are you ready to order?
[13:04] Kaz
    Um, I'm still thinking about it...
[13:07] A
    Please take your time.
[13:09] Kaz
    Hey, what should we do?
[13:11] Kaz
    We've already hit a roadblock.
[13:13] Kaz
    Normally we'd get a minimal
    amount of equipment
[13:16] Kaz
    and enough to cover basic
    living expenses, at least.
[13:19] Kaz
    This is totally inhospitable.
[13:20] Aqua
    There goes your reliability, just like that.
[13:23] Aqua
    Well, I guess it was inevitable. 
    You are a shut-in NEET.
[13:26] Kaz
    Don't call me a shut-in NEET.
[13:27] Aqua
    Fine. I guess it's my turn now.
[13:30] Aqua
    Let me show you what a goddess can do!
[13:36] Aqua
    You there, priest! State your denomination!
[13:40] Aqua
    I'm Aqua.
[13:41] Aqua
    Yes, the object of worship for the
    Religious Order of Axis: the goddess Aqua!
[13:46] Aqua
    If thou art one of my followers...
[13:50] Aqua
    It'd be a huge help if you
    could lend me some money!
[13:54] Priest
    I'm in the Eris Sect, actually...
[13:59] Aqua
    Oh, you are? I'm sorry.
[14:03] Priest
    Oh, young lady, are you with the Axis Sect?
[14:07] Priest
    The relationship of the goddesses Aqua and
    Eris is that of superior and subordinate.
[14:11] Priest
    This must be fate. I saw earlier that
    you couldn't cover the fee, correct?
[14:17] Priest
    Here. Please consider this
    Eris-sama's divine blessing.
[14:21] Priest
    Still, no matter how devout a believer you
    are, you mustn't call yourself a goddess.
[14:25] Aqua
    Uh, yes. I'm sorry.
[14:28] Aqua
    Thank you very much...
[14:33] Aqua
    He didn't even believe that I'm a goddess.
[14:36] Aqua
    By the way, Eris is a goddess ranked beneath me.
[14:41] Aqua
    A believer in my subordinate took pity on me
[14:46] Aqua
    and lent me money...
[14:48] Kaz
    Y-Yeah...
[14:56] Kaz
    Um, we've brought the registration fee.
[15:00] Luna
    S-Sure...
[15:02] Kaz
    Something told me she didn't want
    to make eye contact with us.
[15:06] Luna
    Allow me to formally explain.
[15:08] Luna
    Adventurers each have their own occupations.
[15:12] Luna
    This is your registration card.
[15:15] Luna
    It keeps track of how many
    monsters you've vanquished.
[15:18] Luna
    As your level increases, you'll earn
    points that you can use to learn skills,
[15:23] Luna
    so please work hard to raise your level.
[15:25] Luna
    Now, both of you, please hold
    your hands over this crystal.
[15:30] Kaz
    Like this?
[15:46] Luna
    With this, you will each
    learn your current status,
[15:49] Luna
    so please choose your desired
    occupation based on your stats.
[15:53] Kaz
    Here it comes!
[15:54] Kaz
    Now my tremendous latent
    abilities will be made apparent,
[15:57] Kaz
    and there'll be an uproar
    throughout the guild!
[16:03] Luna
    Yes, thank you very much.
[16:06] Luna
    Satou Kazuma-san, is it? Let me see...
[16:10] Luna
    Average across the board.
[16:12] Luna
    With the exception of
    decently high intelligence...
[16:14] Luna
    Oh? Your luck is extraordinarily high.
[16:17] Luna
    Of course, luck isn't a very
    essential stat for an adventurer...
[16:21] Luna
    With this much luck,
[16:23] Luna
    I'd recommend becoming a
    merchant or something similar...
[16:27] Kaz
    Hey, she's disapproving of my adventurer's
    lifestyle right off the bat.
[16:30] Kaz
    What's going on?
[16:32] Kaz
    U-Um,
[16:34] Kaz
    make my primary job "adventurer," please.
[16:36] Luna
    W-Well, you can always
    change jobs when you level up!
[16:41] Kaz
    Y-You're right!
[16:43] Kaz
    The weakest job, huh?
[16:49] Luna
    Aside from your intelligence
    being below average,
[16:51] Luna
    and your luck being the
    lowest possible level,
[16:53] Luna
    all of your stats are
    drastically above average!
[16:57] Aqua
    What? Does that mean I'm really amazing?
[16:59] Luna
    A-Amazing is an understatement!
[17:03] Luna
    The mage class, which requires
    intelligence, is out of the question,
[17:06] Luna
    but other than that,
    you can be anything you want!
[17:08] Luna
    A crusader, sword master, arch priest...
[17:12] Luna
    Nearly any advanced class right from the start!
[17:14] Aqua
    I see. It's a shame there's
    no "goddess" occupation,
[17:18] Aqua
    but in my case, maybe I'll be an
    arch priest who heals her allies.
[17:21] Luna
    An arch priest!
[17:23] Luna
    An almighty class that commands
    all recovery and support magic,
[17:27] Luna
    and that boasts enough strength
    to stand at the front line!
[17:36] Luna
    Without further ado, welcome to
    our adventurer's guild, Aqua-sama.
[17:40] Luna
    All of our staff will be looking
    forward to your future exploits.
[17:45] A
    Starting off as an arch priest is incredible!
[17:49] Man
    Someone like you might actually be able
    to beat the Devil King, you reckless girl!
[17:54] Kaz
    No event like this is going to happen for me?
[17:57] Aqua
    It's the adventurer's life for
    us starting today, Kazuma!
[18:00] Kaz
    I thought you absolutely hated all this.
[18:03] Aqua
    Did I?
[18:12] Kaz
    Well, anyway, everything thus far has
    been basically character creation.
[18:17] Kaz
    Now our adventure is finally about to begin!
[20:08] Kaz
    Wait, this isn't right!
[20:09] Aqua
    What isn't?
[20:11] Kaz
    No, wait a second!
[20:13] Aqua
    What's wrong? Did you forget to
    use the bathroom before bed?
[20:16] Aqua
    It's dark. Want me to go with you?
[20:18] Kaz
    No need! It's not that!
[20:21] Lady
    Keep it down!
[20:23] Both
    W-We're sorry!
[20:29] Kaz
    We didn't come here to be laborers.
[20:31] Aqua
    Oh, that's right!
[20:34] Aqua
    I need you to defeat the Devil King,
    or I'll never be able to go home!
[20:44] Kaz
    Her intelligence stat was
    lower than a human's.
[20:49] Kaz
    All of the monsters near town have
    been long since exterminated.
[20:51] Kaz
    With no monsters, there's no need
    for anyone to give us any fetch quests.
[20:57] Kaz
    I didn't want to learn something so realistic...
[21:00] Lady
    Thanks for your business!
[21:15] Aqua
    What?
[21:20] Kaz
    It's nothing.
[21:22] Aqua
    Say...
[21:24] Aqua
    I was just thinking.
[21:26] Aqua
    Let's go away from here and do a kill quest.
[21:29] Kaz
    We're level one. We don't even
    have full sets of equipment.
[21:32] Aqua
    It'll be fine. As long as you have
    me around, it'll be over in a flash!
[21:37] Aqua
    You can count on it!
[21:39] Kaz
    I feel very uneasy about this.
[21:41] Aqua
    Who do you think I am?
[21:44] Kaz
    That's right. You are a goddess, after all.
[21:48] Aqua
    Yeah! Leave it to me.
[21:52] Kaz
    And so our adventure began,
[21:55] Kaz
    for real this... time.
SIGN    KONOSUBA
    God's Blessing on this Wonderful World!
SIGN    KONOSUBA
    God's Blessing on this Wonderful World!
SIGN    Episode 1
SIGN    "This Self-Proclaimed Goddess and Reincarnation in Another World!"
SIGN    Mom, I've come to a parallel world.  I feel refreshed, as if I've been reborn.  I've found a home and a job, and I'm full of energy.  And best of all, a goddess has come along with me.  So please don't worry about me.  I'll be all right... I'll be all right... Probably...
SIGN    Episode 2
SIGN    An Explosion For This Chuunibyou!