E7 - Troublemakers of the City of Water

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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:03] Megumin
    I have arrived!
[00:04] Megumin
    The city of water and hot
    springs, Arcanretia!
[00:09] Megumin
    Clad in the armor of my friends' parting gifts,
[00:12] Megumin
    I stand here with my sister's
    wishes in my heart...
[00:16] Megumin
    And I feel up to any challenge!
[00:19] Megumin
    And thus begins the first page
    in the book of my adventures!
SIGN    KONOSUBA - An Explosion on This Wonderful World!
SIGN    Episode 7: Troublemakers of the City of Water
[02:02] Megumin
    It... It wasn't supposed to be like this.
[02:08] Megumin
    It's been a week since
    I teleported to this town,
[02:13] Megumin
    and not only have I had trouble earning
    the fare to my next destination, Axel,
[02:13] Axis Cultist 2
    Just sign right here and your
    life will be rose-tinted bliss!
[02:16] Megumin
    but I'm barely able to cover
    the cost of food and lodging.
[02:18] Axis Cultist 2
    All it takes is a signature!
[02:20] (Flashback) Megumin
    Huh? It's a bad idea?
[02:23] (Flashback) Receptionist
    Yes.
[02:24] (Flashback) Receptionist
    All of the monsters that live near
    Arcanretia tend to be really strong.
[02:29] (Flashback) Receptionist
    There are manageable ones like
    goblins and kobolds, too, but...
[02:34] (Flashback) Receptionist
    They always seem to appear alongside the kind
[02:36] (Flashback) Receptionist
    that would make quick work of
    an amateur. Which means...
[02:39] (Flashback) Megumin
    A rookie adventurer like myself
    can't accept quests here, then.
[02:45] (Flashback) Receptionist
    Sorry about this.
[02:49] Megumin
    I know my explosion magic could
    obliterate any kind of foe!
[02:54] Megumin
    But if I can't take any work on,
    I literally can't get anywhere.
[02:58] Megumin
    No! It should be fine if I find a normal
    job that doesn't require magic!
[03:04] Megumin
    It should!
[03:11] Owner
    You're fired.
[03:12] Megumin
    Hang on a second, boss!
[03:14] Megumin
    There's a good explanation for this!
[03:15] Owner
    Is there? Let's hear it.
[03:18] Megumin
    Well... these customers were
    treating me like a child,
[03:22] Megumin
    so I asked them, "How could
    I possibly seem like a child?"
[03:26] Megumin
    And they had the nerve to talk about my
    height, and my chest, among other things.
[03:30] Owner
    And that's why you ended up pressing
    piping hot oden against their faces?
[03:33] (Flashback) Patron
    Hot!
[03:35] Megumin
    Yep!
[03:36] Owner
    Okay. So you're fired.
[03:42] Megumin
    At this rate...
[03:43] Axis Cultist 1
    Would you like to join us in loving
    Lady Aqua? Worshiping her?
[03:47] Axis Cultist 1
    Serving her? I'm sure it would provide
    a dramatic change in your life,
[03:51] Axis Cultist 1
    in more ways than one!
[03:53] Axis Cultist 2
    Joining the Axis Church has all kinds
    of benefits, like learning party tricks
[03:56] Axis Cultist 2
    and becoming really popular
    with undead monsters!
[04:05] Megumin
    I don't have time for this.
[04:07] Megumin
    I need to earn money somehow!
[04:10] Axis Cultist 1
    Join the Axis Church now and you're
    guaranteed to have good luck!
[04:14] Girl
    Would it... help me make friends?
[04:20] Megumin
    Yunyun?
[04:21] Axis Cultist 1
    You'll get friends, family, and lovers!
    Of all ages, from adults to kids to old folks!
[04:26] Megumin
    I think I may have developed a
    subconscious reliance on her.
[04:31] Megumin
    Which is bad!
[04:33] Cecily
    Aren't you two ashamed to do this
    sort of thing to a helpless girl?!
[04:38] Megumin
    What's this?
[04:39] Priest 1
    Stop trying to make this about us!
[04:41] Priest 1
    Give it a rest and—
[04:42] Megumin
    Hold it right there!
[04:45] Cecily
    Please, help me!
[04:46] Cecily
    These two were all, "Look at the pretty
    mug on you! I bet you want it, huh?"
[04:50] Cecily
    "Waltzing around town with
    that hot little body,
[04:53] Cecily
    I bet you knew exactly what would happen!"
    And then they tried to drag me off!
[04:57] Priests
    We did not!
[05:00] Megumin
    I am called Megumin!
[05:02] Megumin
    Foremost mage among the Crimson Demons,
    and master of explosion magic!
[05:07] Megumin
    And I can hardly overlook
    this brand of villainy!
[05:11] Priest 2
    Wait, you're a Crimson Demon?
[05:13] Priest 1
    Don't be hasty, now. Let's talk this over.
[05:16] Megumin
    Unfortunately for you, my crimson gaze
[05:20] Megumin
    can see through the excuses that
    would fool your average dullard!
[05:24] Priest 1
    Girl, I think your crimson
    gaze might be blind!
[05:29] Priest 2
    Great, now what are you gonna do about this?
[05:31] Priest 1
    That woman was an Axis cultist!
[05:33] Megumin
    Huh?
[05:34] Priest 2
    She defaced a portrait of Lady
    Eris that was hung in our church!
[05:38] Megumin
    Huh?!
[05:39] Priest 1
    And the other day, she ran
    off with all the bread
[05:41] Priest 1
    that we were supposed to
    distribute to the needy!
[05:43] Megumin
    What?!
[05:43] Megumin
    Well, that's, uh...
    I'm terribly sorry about that.
[05:46] Megumin
    I haven't been here long, and I don't...
[05:48] Cecily
    Officer, that's them!
[05:52] Cop
    I half expected this to be nonsense,
    considering the Axis Cult was involved,
[05:56] Cop
    but it looks like the Eris Sect is
    actually harassing a young girl.
[06:01] Priest 1
    Ma'am, I don't know what
    that Axis cultist told you,
[06:04] Priest 1
    but we haven't done anything wrong!
[06:06] Cecily
    Dear me! Look how defiant they are!
[06:08] Cecily
    And after they were trying
    to do who-knows-what
[06:11] Cecily
    not just to that darling girl,
    but myself, as well!
[06:13] Cecily
    You must've been so scared!
    But it's all right now!
[06:16] Priest 2
    What are you talking about?!
[06:17] Cop
    Why don't you explain yourselves
    down at the station?
[06:19] Cop
    Come along, now.
[06:20] Priests
    Wh-What?!
[06:21] Cecily
    Let's go! Now's our chance!
[06:23] Cop
    Hang on! I need to question you two, as well!
[06:31] Cecily
    Are you all right? They didn't hurt you?
[06:35] Cecily
    Looks like I arrived in the nick of time!
[06:37] Cecily
    Talk about a close call.
[06:39] Megumin
    What are you trying to pull?
[06:40] Megumin
    Why are you trying to make
    it sound like you saved me?
[06:44] Megumin
    It's not like I had any reason to run.
[06:47] Cecily
    Come, now. If you had stayed there,
[06:50] Cecily
    those wicked Eris cultists would've
    definitely done something horrible to you.
[06:54] Cecily
    I mean, look at you!
    You're so cute and... lolicious.
[06:58] Cecily
    Now, if you want to thank me for helping you,
[07:01] Cecily
    just sign this certificate of conversion...
[07:03] Megumin
    I am not joining the Axis Sect!
[07:05] Megumin
    Why should I thank you in the first—
[07:10] Cecily
    Someone must be hungry!
[07:12] Cecily
    Why don't you come with me?
[07:15] Cecily
    I'll take real good care of you!
[07:18] Megumin
    And yet, I have a tremendously
    bad feeling about it.
[07:22] Cecily
    My name is Cecily, and I'm a priest
    with the Religious Order of Axis!
[07:26] Cecily
    You can call me "Big Sis Cecily," okay?
[07:31] Megumin
    My name is Megumin...
[07:33] Megumin
    So call me that.
[07:35] Cecily
    What an unusual name!
[07:37] Cecily
    But no matter. Let's get you some tasty
    food, and we can have a nice chat.
[07:51] Church Guy 1
    It's a loli!
[07:53] Church Guy 2
    Our order has been blessed with a loli!
[07:55] Church guy 3
    Look how lolicious she is!
[07:57] Church guy 4
    Loliloli!
[07:58] Megumin
    The next person to say "loli"
    is going to catch these hands!
[08:05] Unmarked AD
    God, she is a loli loli.
[08:07] Cecily
    Miss Megumin, our adherents are
    forbidden from being near children.
[08:13] Cecily
    So, please, try to understand how they feel.
[08:16] Megumin
    What in the world did you people do?!
[08:22] Tristan
    Please, enjoy.
[08:26] Megumin
    This isn't one of those
[08:27] Megumin
    "By eating this, you accept membership
    in the Axis Sect" deals, is it?
[08:31] Cecily
    Come, now! We would never
    try anything so dastardly!
[08:35] Cecily
    Right?
[08:35] Tristan
    Th-That's right!
[08:37] Tristan
    I swear to Lady Aqua!
[08:39] Megumin
    Good grief...
[08:47] Zesta
    Ah, it seems an adorable
    guest has joined us.
[08:54] Cecily
    This our arch priest, Father Zesta.
[08:57] Zesta
    I hear you've had trouble finding
    work or a place to stay.
[09:02] Zesta
    If you'd like, you can have a
    room here until you find a job.
[09:07] Megumin
    Thank you so much!
[09:08] Megumin
    I hate to impose, but I was
    really running out of options.
[09:12] Megumin
    If there's anything I can do to
    thank you, please, just ask.
[09:16] Zesta
    Did you say... anything?
[09:18] Megumin
    Er, that's more a figure of speech...
[09:22] Zesta
    In that case...
[09:24] Zesta
    Could you call me "Big Brother"?
[09:27] Zesta
    Wait, no... "Daddy"!
[09:29] Zesta
    Maybe some underpants instead?
[09:31] Zesta
    Actually, just sit on me!
[09:33] Zesta
    Oh, dear, I can't decide!
[09:36] Zesta
    Oh great goddess Aqua! Please offer
    your guidance to this lost lamb!
[09:42] Megumin
    Excuse me, but what is this deviant's deal?
[09:46] Cecily
    That's Father Zesta. He runs our chapter,
    and is next in line to be pontiff of our order.
[09:51] Megumin
    Is your order... going to be okay?
[09:54] Cecily
    I know what you're thinking, but he can
    be pretty competent when he has to be.
[09:57] Cecily
    It'll probably be fine?
[10:00] Megumin
    You really don't sound that invested.
[10:05] Church guy 1
    Father Zesta, I hate to interrupt your fun,
[10:10] Church guy 1
    but I have today's report
    on our conversion rates.
[10:16] Zesta
    This doesn't look promising.
[10:18] Church guy 1
    Yes, most likely due to the
    machinations of that wicked Eris Cult.
[10:22] Church guy 2
    Maybe we should switch up
    our proselytization methods?
[10:25] Zesta
    How, for example?
[10:26] Church guy 2
    We could pretend to be
    members of the Eris Sect,
[10:29] Church guy 2
    and just before someone signs up,
[10:31] Church guy 2
    switch out the certificate of conversion
    with one for the Axis Church.
[10:35] Zesta
    No, that would be too obvious, and they'd
    be able to run at the last second.
[10:44] Megumin
    You're looking for an effective method
    to recruit new members, then?
[10:50] Megumin
    Crimson Demons are renowned for
    our wisdom. Perhaps I can help?
[11:00] Megumin
    Listen closely.
[11:01] Megumin
    First, I intentionally spill these apples.
[11:07] Megumin
    "Oh, my apples!" I'll scream in anguish.
[11:11] Megumin
    And then some kind person
    will help me collect them.
[11:14] Megumin
    That's when I say, "Thank you
    so much! You're a huge help!"
[11:18] Megumin
    And you pretend to coincidentally
    have come across the scene.
[11:23] Megumin
    Then I'll go, "Mr. Zesta!
    This person just helped me!"
[11:28] Megumin
    Which is your cue to go,
    "Please, let me thank you somehow,"
[11:33] Megumin
    at which point you invite
    us both to a nearby café.
[11:37] Megumin
    Which is where you will
    threaten... or rather,
[11:39] Megumin
    give a sermon to convince them to convert!
[11:42] Zesta
    M-M-M-M—
[11:45] Zesta
    Magnificent! Such brilliant thinking!
[11:47] Zesta
    Is this the wisdom of the Crimson Demons?!
[11:49] Zesta
    It sounds more effective than
    any plan I've ever heard of!
[11:54] Megumin
    Now then, let's get underway.
[11:56] Zesta
    Right!
[12:00] Megumin
    Here comes someone who looks helpful.
[12:08] Megumin
    Wha—
[12:10] Zesta
    Oh, my apples!
[12:16] Zesta
    Thank you so much! You're a huge help!
[12:20] Zesta
    Can I do anything to thank you?!
[12:23] Girl
    Th-That's okay!
[12:35] Zesta
    Well, nothing is perfect from the get-go.
[12:38] Zesta
    I think I've the gist now,
    so I bet it'll work next time.
[12:40] Megumin
    Could you just leave?
[12:42] Zesta
    Now, now, everyone makes mistakes sometimes.
[12:45] Megumin
    Do you even realize it was your fault?
[12:47] Megumin
    Let's change up the premise. This time,
    we'll pretend that you're attacking me.
[12:53] Zesta
    Right.
[12:59] Megumin
    Let's go for that hardy-looking fellow
    with the righteous air about him.
[13:04] Megumin
    Someone! Someone, help me!
[13:07] Megumin
    This old man was going to make me...
[13:12] Tough Guy
    Where is he?
[13:14] Megumin
    Huh?
[13:16] Megumin
    What are you doing?!
[13:18] Megumin
    We've already got his attention!
    You need to come after me!
[13:22] Megumin
    At this rate, I'm just going to look crazy!
[13:25] Tough Guy
    Miss, what's this all about?
[13:29] Megumin
    Well...
[13:31] Tough guy
    I happen to be a police officer,
    although I'm off-duty today.
[13:34] Megumin
    Th-There's actually... a good explanation...
[13:38] Tough guy
    Well, I'd like to hear it,
    considering the commotion you're making.
SIGN    KONOSUBA - An Explosion on This Wonderful World!
[13:45] Megumin
    Son of a...
[13:47] Megumin
    I am done.
[13:50] Zesta
    Now, don't be that way.
[13:52] Zesta
    I apologize for running
    and leaving you behind.
[13:54] Zesta
    It's just, he looked rather tough, you know?
[13:58] Megumin
    That's no excuse! I was chewed out
    by a constable because of you!
[14:03] Zesta
    I'm so sorry! You have my
    most heartfelt apology!
[14:07] Megumin
    Do you actually feel sorry at all?
[14:09] Zesta
    Now, now, let's renew our approach.
[14:12] Zesta
    Oh, look, meat skewers!
[14:15] Megumin
    I can't be bought with food, you realize.
[14:22] Megumin
    This is really good!
[14:23] Zesta
    I'm curious, Miss Megumin. What has you
    traveling on your own at such a young age?
[14:28] Megumin
    I'm actually searching for someone.
[14:31] Megumin
    Although my only clues are
    that she's a beautiful,
[14:35] Megumin
    voluptuous woman who uses explosion magic.
[14:38] Zesta
    That sounds familiar...
[14:41] Megumin
    What?! Could you tell me more?
[14:43] Zesta
    Something about a buxom beauty of
    some renown in the town of Axel,
[14:47] Zesta
    who can use explosion magic, and is
    running a magical item shop, I think?
[14:53] Zesta
    The fact that she's a buxom beauty made
    an impression, so it stuck in my memory.
[14:59] Megumin
    Well, since you've given me a good
    lead in addition to good food,
[15:03] Megumin
    let me help a bit more with
    your recruiting efforts.
[15:07] Zesta
    Would you be so kind, Miss Megumin?
[15:11] Townsfolk
    There they are!
[15:12] Townsfolk
    Get them!
[15:13] Megumin
    Uh, Zest?! Why did you steal the
    toilet paper from that bathroom?!
[15:17] Zesta
    I left certificates of
    conversion in their place!
[15:20] Zesta
    Wouldn't you despair at having no paper,
    and search for grace in Lady Aqua's arms?!
[15:24] Megumin
    You didn't think about
    the trouble you'd cause,
[15:27] Megumin
    or the fact that they might wipe
    their butts with your certificates?!
[15:34] Megumin
    Let's just head back.
[15:36] Zesta
    I don't mind, but... are you sure
    you want to, Miss Megumin?
[15:41] Megumin
    Excuse me?
[15:42] Zesta
    Considering how highly
    you billed yourself...
[15:46] (Flashback) Megumin
    Crimson Demons are renowned for
    our wisdom. Perhaps I can help?
[15:52] Zesta
    I certainly wouldn't want
    to return empty-handed.
[15:56] Megumin
    Fine. Let's try one more time.
[16:00] Megumin
    But I'm going to do it myself this time.
[16:03] Megumin
    Can you restrain yourself?
[16:05] Zesta
    I see...
[16:07] Zesta
    I suppose I'll select the mark, then.
[16:10] Megumin
    You're even calling them "marks" now.
SIGN    KONOSUBA - An Explosion on This Wonderful World!
[16:12] Zesta
    Well, well...
[16:17] Zesta
    There, Miss Megumin. Here comes
    a pleasant-seeming young girl.
[16:22] Megumin
    Good grief...
[16:27] Megumin
    I can't believe I tripped over nothing!
[16:31] Megumin
    I skinned my knee!
    It hurts so much, I can't move!
[16:35] Megumin
    At this rate, the wound will—
[16:37] Yunyun
    What are you doing?
[16:39] Yunyun
    Seriously, Megumin.
[16:42] Yunyun
    What are you doing?
[16:56] Yunyun
    What are you doing...
[16:59] Yunyun
    in the middle of the street?!
[17:01] Megumin
    Please stop!
[17:03] Megumin
    Don't roll me like that! Yunyun!
[17:06] Megumin
    Yunyunyunyunyunyun!
[17:06] Yunyun
    Meguminminminminmin!
SIGN    KONOSUBA - An Explosion on This Wonderful World!
[17:11] Yunyun
    So, you fall over in the middle of the
    street, beg for help, and then what?
[17:18] Megumin
    I've got questions myself.
    What are you doing here?
[17:20] Yunyun
    Huh?! Well, that's... er....
[17:23] Megumin
    And why is Chomusuke with you?
[17:26] Yunyun
    It's just... Chomusuke
    has really missed you!
[17:30] Yunyun
    She's been totally
    heartbroken with you gone.
[17:36] Yunyun
    Look! See? She's so excited
    to see you again!
[17:43] Zesta
    Excuse me, but who are you, and what is
    your relationship with Miss Megumin?
[17:48] Yunyun
    I-I'm Megumin's rival.
[17:52] Yunyun
    And I've actually been curious...
    How do you know Megumin?
[17:59] Zesta
    You want to know about our relationship?!
[18:02] Megumin
    This is Zesta, with the Axis Sect.
[18:04] Yunyun
    The Axis Sect?!
[18:06] Zesta
    Miss Megumin has been helping
    me recruit new members.
[18:11] Yunyun
    That was your idea... of proselytizing?
[18:20] Yunyun
    Hey, Megumin, I'm not sure you should stay
    here and mess with the Axis Sect much longer.
[18:26] Megumin
    Believe me, I am fully aware of that fact.
[18:30] Yunyun
    In that case...
[18:31] Zesta
    By all means, Miss Yunyun,
    make yourself at home.
[18:35] Yunyun
    O-Okay... sure.
[18:43] Zesta
    Well, now.
[18:45] Zesta
    What manner of kink is this?
[18:49] Lady Knight
    Father Zesta, chief priest
    of the Holy Order of Axis.
[18:52] Lady Knight
    I'm afraid you're wanted for arrest.
[18:57] Megumin
    What, exactly, is this? Arresting
    someone without stating any charges?
[19:01] Megumin
    That doesn't strike me as very legal.
[19:03] Yunyun
    Megumin...
[19:05] Megumin
    What has he supposedly done?
[19:07] Cecily
    Father Zesta! What did you do this time?!
[19:11] Cecily
    Didn't we tell you to show some restraint
    when playing with yourself?!
[19:15] Tristan
    And we warned you that sexually harassing the
    priestesses of the Eris Sect was going too far!
[19:19] Tristan
    Or were you going on another public
    tirade about how it's unfair that
[19:23] Tristan
    women can buy men's underpants
    without suspicion,
[19:26] Tristan
    but men can't do the same
    without getting dirty looks?
[19:33] Megumin
    Take him away.
[19:34] Lady Knight
    We appreciate your cooperation.
[19:35] Cecily
    Aw! Megumin, you traitor!
[19:38] Megumin
    Don't make it sound like
    I've done anything wrong.
[19:41] Lady Knight
    You've been charged with
    conspiracy to commit treason.
[19:45] Lady Knight
    Take a look at this.
[19:49] Megumin
    "A threat is descending upon
    the city of Arcanretia."
[19:53] Megumin
    "Should something seem
    off with the hot springs,
[19:55] Megumin
    be cautious of those in charge
    of their management."
[19:57] Megumin
    "For they are a servant of the Devil King."
[20:01] Lady Knight
    This info came from the
    Crimson Demon Village.
[20:04] Lady Knight
    I'm sure you're familiar with
    their famous fortune teller?
[20:11] Megumin
    Don't tell me...
[20:13] Lady Knight
    There have been complaints
    over the last few days
[20:15] Lady Knight
    from various inns about the water
    quality of the hot springs.
[20:18] Lady Knight
    Just like the fortune said,
    something seems to be happening to the springs.
[20:22] Lady Knight
    And the Axis Sect is responsible
    for managing the water control...
[20:26] Lady Knight
    Which would imply a connection between
    you all and the Devil King—
[20:30] Zesta
    How dare you, you little wench?!
[20:32] Zesta
    Don't you know our creed includes,
    "Slay the demons, defeat the Devil King"?!
[20:36] Zesta
    Our order would never do such a thing!
[20:37] Lady Knight
    Back off!
[20:38] Lady Knight
    Or do you want obstruction of justice
    and lewd conduct added to your charges?!
[20:42] Zesta
    I'll shut your foolish
    mouth with a big smooch!
[20:44] Zesta
    Smooch!
[20:45] Lady Knight
    Take him away already!
[20:47] Zesta
    This is a conspiracy by the Eris Cult!
    Don't be deceived!
[20:50] Zesta
    They fear my animal magnetism!
[20:52] Zesta
    They've duped this dimwitted
    girl into doing their bidding!
[20:58] Cecily
    Oh, no! What will become of our
    order with Father Zesta gone?
[21:04] Megumin
    What kind of problems will it cause?
[21:09] Cecily
    Huh, looks like we'll be okay after all.
[21:12] Cecily
    I apologize for the fuss.
[21:14] Cecily
    I do wonder what brought these
    accusations on, though.
[21:19] Megumin
    Yunyun...
[21:22] Megumin
    You've seemed awfully nervous for a while now.
[21:25] Yunyun
    Well...
[21:27] Yunyun
    When I left the Crimson Demon village,
    Soketto asked me to do something.
[21:32] Yunyun
    She saw that this city would be in danger,
[21:35] Yunyun
    and wanted me to deliver a letter of
    prophecy if I was going to Arcanretia.
[21:40] Yunyun
    And so, well...
[21:45] Megumin
    In other words, that letter you
    brought is what caused all this.
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SIGN    Episode 8: Fanatics of the Water City
[23:25] Yunyun
    Big trouble, Megumin!
[23:27] Yunyun
    I just want to go back home
    to the Crimson Demon village!
[23:30] Megumin
    The Axis Sect definitely
    seems like bad news...
[23:32] Megumin
    What in the world?! Did she actually
    follow Chomusuke all the way here?!
[23:36] Yunyun
    N-Next time, we'll crash your
    family meeting with an...
[23:38] Megumin
    Explosion!