E99 - "Life and Video Games are Full of Bugs"

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    [A video game battle to win the new Bentendo OwEe game console.]
SIGN    [The first battle is between Kondo and the mysterious plumber, Katsuo. Who will win?! The Odd Jobs or the Shinsengumi?!]
[01:05] Manager
    Now then, everyone, what kind of show
[01:09] Manager
    will these chosen individuals give us in order to win the new Bentendo OwEe game console?
[01:15] ---
    The first battle, the girl game challenge, will now begin!
SIGN    ["Life and Video Games are Full of Bugs"]
[01:25] Kondo
    I don't care if you're Mario or Sonic--it doesn't matter to me.
[01:28] Kondo
    I'm a Zony fan! I'm going to give you a thorough thrashing!
SIGN    [Note: Zony is a parody of Sony.]
[01:32] Hanano
    Whoa, what's this?!
[01:34] ---
    The Shinsengumi is skipping all of the text without reading it.
[01:37] ---
    He's fast! We can't tell what the story's about!
[01:40] Kondo
    I told you that I know all about girl games.
[01:44] Kondo
    I know exactly what I have to do, even in the new ones.
[01:46] Kondo
    In this part, I'm going to meet the heroine by bumping into her.
SIGN    [This is bad. I'm going to be late.]
[01:50] ---
    She's going to have a slice of bread in her mouth and I'm going to see her underwear.
[01:52] Kondo
    There it is!
[01:53] Maguko
    Ow,ow,ow,ow,ow.
[01:54] Maguko
    Hey! What are you looking at?
[01:56] Kondo (Mono)
    A swordfish?!
[01:58] Kondo (Mono)
    This girl is not going to school with a slice of bread in her mouth, but with a swordfish!
[02:02] Kondo (Mono)
    What does she eat for breakfast?!
[02:04] Hanano
    What's the meaning of this?
[02:06] Yamada
    The heroine of Bakiboki Memorial is quite different. She's rather eccentric.
[02:10] Kondo
    She's eccentric?! This is pretty fishy!
[02:13] Kondo (Mono)
    Are you saying that I have to bonk a smelly girl who has a swordfish in her mouth?
[02:17] ---
    No, calm down. No matter what she has in her mouth, she's still a girl from a girl game.
[02:21] Kondo (Mono)
    "A, help her. B, hurry to school." The answer is, of course, to help her...
[02:26] Isao
    Are you all right?
[02:27] Kondo (Mono)
    Not the swordfish!
[02:28] Yamada
    Oh, he's gone down the swordfish route.
[02:31] Shinpachi
    What's the swordfish route?!
[02:33] Yamada
    From this point on, he'll become a swordfish and won't be able to feel anything or move for thirty minutes.
[02:36] Shinpachi
    Why is there such a drastic choice right in the beginning?!
[02:39] Kondo
    I-Impossible. All that data I've gathered up to now doesn't help!
[02:43] Hanano
    Thirty minutes of lost time! This is quite a blow to the Shinsengumi team!
[02:48] Katsura
    Love doesn't always go according to the data you've collected.
[02:50] Katsura
    Unexpected things always happen in love.
[02:54] Katsura
    I won't make the same mistake.
[02:55] Katsura
    Though B seems heartless, it's the correct choice.
[02:59] Maguko
    That's terrible of you to dump me!
[03:02] Kondo
    Why?!
[03:04] Kondo
    There's a limit to how unexpected things can get!
[03:07] Katsura
    I never expected her to stab me with the swordfish...
[03:10] ---
    Love really is deep.
[03:12] Shinpachi
    This isn't love!
[03:13] ---
    What kind of world has a love story where the main character gets stabbed
[03:15] ---
    with a swordfish just five minutes after meeting the heroine?!
[03:18] Hanano
    Whoa! The Odd Jobs team has to start from the beginning.
[03:21] Hanano
    Both players are neck-and-neck!
[03:24] Shinpachi
    This is more than just even!
[03:26] ---
    We still haven't heard the heroine's name!
[03:28] Man D
    Hey! How long is it going to take to settle this?!
[03:31] Man E
    Besides, it's weird to be challenging each other in a girl game!
[03:34] Hanano
    Whoa! The spectators are voicing their discontent.
[03:37] Yamada
    Manager!
[03:38] Manager
    Yes.
[03:40] Manager
    We shall hold the second battle simultaneously.
SIGN    [Nobunaga's Regurgitation] [Note: Parody of the game "Nobunaga's Ambition."]
[03:43] Manager
    This is the game: Nobunaga's Regurgitation.
[03:47] Manager
    A drunk Nobunaga will vomit various shapes from above the screen.
[03:51] ---
    When you line them up in a row, the vomit will disappear...
[03:54] Manager
    And your opponent's Nobunaga will throw up.
[03:55] Manager
    When your screen is filled with vomit, you lose.
[03:58] Shinpachi
    That's just a terrible version of Tetris! What's with this screen?!
[04:01] Shinpachi
    Why are you trying to make it look like it's part of the Ambition series?!
[04:04] Gintoki
    Shinpachi, it's your turn.
[04:06] Shinpachi
    Why me?
[04:07] Gintoki
    Well, just because...
[04:09] Hijikata
    Yamazaki!
[04:11] Hanano
    Whoa! Bland looking players have been chosen to play this unexpectedly bland looking game.
[04:15] Yamazaki
    That was unnecessarily mean!
[04:17] Manager
    Let the game begin!!
[04:21] Shinpachi
    Whoa, that's gross!! Who made this game?!
[04:24] Shinpachi
    This is a complete joke!!
[04:26] Shinpachi
    Hey! Nobunaga's thrown up a lot from the start!
[04:31] ---
    Huh?
[04:31] ---
    Why is it like that only on my side?
[04:33] Shinpachi
    What's the meaning of this?!
[04:34] Shinpachi
    Why is it that only my Nobunaga is completely drunk?!
[04:37] Hanano
    He drank quite a bit yesterday, didn't he?
[04:39] Yamada
    He probably got smashed after the incident at Honnoji Temple.
SIGN    [Note: Historically, Oda Nobunaga was attacked by his traitorous general Alechi Mitsuhide at Honnoji Temple.]
[04:43] Shinpachi
    I don't care!! Don't drag things from the past with you!!
[04:45] Hanano
    The Shinsengumi team's Nobunaga doesn't seem so drunk.
[04:49] Yamada
    It's probably after the battle of Okehazama.
SIGN    [Note: Historically, Oda Nobunaga (outnumbered 10 to 1) defeated Imagawa Yoshimoto in the battle of Okehazama.]
[04:50] Yamada
    He probably had a good drink after his miraculous victory.
[04:53] Shinpachi
    Both drank until they threw up?!
[04:56] ---
    This is tough!!
[04:57] Shinpachi
    I can't handle this much vomit!!
[04:59] Kagura
    Shinpachi!
[05:00] Gintoki
    This is bad...
[05:01] Gintoki
    Shinpachi's begun to panic. He's lost his calm sense of judgment.
[05:06] Gintoki
    He won't be able to make the rows disappear like he would normally be able to.
[05:09] Gintoki
    In contrast, his opponent is slowly but steadily getting rid of each row.
[05:15] Gintoki
    The person who uses the blandest method will win this battle.
[05:18] Gintoki
    Shinpachi will lose if he doesn't realize this.
[05:22] Kondo
    It looks like that challenge has already been decided.
[05:25] Kondo
    I should say, it's been decided on this side as well.
[05:27] Kondo
    I managed to set up a date with Maguko-chan.
[05:32] Katsura
    With her mother tagging along? You can't really call that a date.
[05:35] Maguko
    Isao-san!
[05:37] Kondo
    What? What about you?! You still haven't even set up a date.
[05:40] Katsura
    I did. With just the two of us.
[05:42] Kondo
    What?!
[05:43] Maguko’S Mother B
    Katsuo-kun!
[05:44] Kondo
    With her mother?!
[05:46] Kondo
    Why are you hitting on her mother?!
[05:49] Katsura
    She said she lost her husband earlier and she's lonely.
[05:52] Kondo
    This is a girl game! This isn't a soap opera!
[05:55] Hanano
    This is amazing! He's ignored the main heroine and went on to seduce her mother.
[06:00] Maguko’S Mother 2
    Where shall we go today?!
[06:01] Hanano
    This is bad. If he doesn't bonk Maguko, he cannot win this battle.
[06:06] Gintoki (Mono)
    This is bad. Zura's love of housewives has turned problematic!
[06:11] Kondo
    This challenge has been decided! Even if her mother's with her, this is a da...
[06:15] Maguko’S Mother 2
    This jar is called the Jar of Happiness.
[06:19] Maguko’S Mother 2
    Right now, you can buy it for just ten million yen.
[06:22] Maguko
    Isn't that cheap?
[06:23] Hanano
    He's being suckered! They see him as a sucker, not a boyfriend.
SIGN    [What will you do? A) Buy the jar B) Be happy]
[06:29] Hanano
    Furthermore, because of his choices, he has to buy the jar.
[06:33] Hanano
    It's game over! This is harsh! He's come this far only to start all over again.
SIGN    [You are on a tuna fishing boat.]
SIGN    [Would you like to start from the beginning? Yes No]
[06:37] Kondo
    Tsk! I messed up... She still didn't like me enough to let me ask her on a date... Oh well.
[06:44] ---
    The other side isn't going to bonk the main heroine any time soon.
[06:47] Maguko’S Mother 2
    Katsuo-san, my daughter is in our way.
[06:50] Maguko’S Mother 2
    In order for us to live together, we have to kill her.
[06:53] Kondo
    It's turned into a suspense game!
[06:56] Maguko’S Mother 2
    I'll lure her out and you bonk her off the cliff!
[07:01] Kondo
    Huh?
[07:02] Hanano
    Whoa! There's suddenly an indication that the main heroine Maguko is going to get bonked.
[07:07] Kondo
    Bonked? What?! Is that what they meant?!
[07:10] Kondo
    Hold on a second! No way... Huh? Hey...
[07:13] Kondo (Mono)
    Was he going for that from the start?
[07:15] Kondo (Mono)
    Is that why he approached her mother?!
[07:18] Katsura
    I told you that you can't predict what's going to happen in love.
[07:22] Hanano
    It's over! This settles things!
[07:26] Hanano
    The Shinsengumi team has taken his hands off his controller...
[07:32] Yamazaki
    Shinpachi-kun, too bad for you.
[07:34] Yamazaki
    I thought you would be on the same level as me.
[07:38] Yamazaki
    It looks like I was wrong.
[07:42] Yamazaki
    Even if you don't stand out, you've still got your straight man comments.
[07:45] Yamazaki
    I only have badminton and kabaddi. We're of a different class.
[07:50] Yamazaki
    You and I are of different levels of blandness.
[07:56] Hanano
    It's over! This is probably it.
[08:00] Hanano
    The Odd Jobs team has taken his hands off his controller...
[08:11] Hanano
    What is this sound?!
[08:13] Hanano
    Oh!
[08:15] Hanano
    Wh-What's this?! Maguko's nipple!!
[08:18] Hanano
    He's using the command to inspect it over and over!!
[08:21] Hanano
    And what's this?! Vomit is being slammed against the wall between the players!
[08:27] ---
    They're not dead yet!
[08:30] Hanano
    They're getting in rapid hits!! Maguko's nipple is being poked at incredible speeds!
[08:35] Hanano
    And on this side...he's using a ruler!! He's using a ruler to make rapid hits!!
[08:40] Hanano
    It's bland. It's bland and unfair, but they have incredible power!
[08:43] Katsura
    It's useless! Are you saying that you're going to bonk Maguko before I kill her?!
[08:48] Yamazaki
    What are you trying to do, Shinpachi-kun? It's useless. This battle is already...
[08:51] Gintoki
    When Yoshimoto Imagawa attacked, Nobunaga Oda...
[08:55] Hijikata
    He never gave up even though he was clearly outnumbered.
[09:01] Katsura
    What's this?! Maguko's face is slowly turning red!
[09:05] Yamazaki
    Impossible! The wall between the players broke and vomit is flowing into the other side!
[09:11] Hijikata
    The guts to never give up or yield.
[09:14] Gintoki
    That's what brought on the miracle at Okehazama.
[09:17] Kondo
    - It's as you say.
    - It's as you say.
[09:19] Kondo
    You don't know what's going to happen in love.
[09:22] Shinpachi
    You and I are of different levels of blandness.
[09:25] Hijikata
    Those who don't give up easily...
[09:28] Gintoki
    ...can't be defeated by anyone.
SIGN    
[09:32] Hijikata
    But that has absolutely nothing to do with this.
[09:37] Manager
    The winner is Sagaru Yamazaki!
[09:39] Manager
    The winner is Katsuo!
[09:41] Shinpachi
    I lost kind of blandly.
[09:43] Kondo
    This is kind of embarrassing.
[09:45] Okita
    Now we're one against one. The battle will be decided by the remaining two.
[09:50] Okita
    Which one do you want to play? I don't care either way. Both look interesting.
[09:55] Hijikata
    Both look terrible.
[09:57] Gintoki
    GinTama's going to end its second year, so I guess I should clean up.
[10:01] Kagura
    Let's clean up the garbage and start up the third year fresh.
[10:06] Okita
    Master, for some stations, this is the final episode.
[10:10] Gintoki
    Huh? Is that so...
[10:13] Manager
    Now then, the battle for the OwEe is headed towards its climax.
[10:19] Manager
    The first battle was a girl game battle.
[10:21] ---
    The Odd Jobs team won by understanding the game's strange scenario
[10:24] ---
    that wasn't really bittersweet, but just plain sour.
[10:28] Manager
    The second battle was a puzzle game battle.
[10:30] ---
    The Shinsengumi team won by using a bland strategy
[10:34] ---
    that makes you ask yourself whether this is any fun.
[10:36] Manager
    The final battle will decide the victors.
[10:39] Manager
    It is a two-on-two tag match.
[10:42] Hijikata
    A tag match? I never heard anything about this.
[10:44] Okita
    Well, why not? I can crush three nuisances at the same time.
[10:48] Hijikata
    Why am I included?!
[10:50] Kagura
    Bring it on. Try to crush us.
[10:53] Kagura
    Strange juices might come flying from our hands.
[10:56] Gintoki
    The OwEe is ours. Let's settle this.
SIGN    [Note: Parody of Dragon Quest.]
[10:59] Hanano
    This is the game you will play! Dragon Hunter 3!
[11:03] Hanano
    It's an online game in which you are a hero who has to defeat a dark lord who's planning to take over the world.
[11:07] ---
    You form a party and try to complete the game.
[11:11] Hanano
    This game is the OwEe's best selling point.
[11:13] Hanano
    It's a new game that makes use of a virtual controller.
[11:16] Hanano
    By wearing these goggles, gloves, and boots...
[11:20] Hanano
    You can enjoy this game as if you were really inside the game world.
[11:36] Kagura
    Whoa!
[11:38] ---
    This is amazing!
[11:40] Kagura
    It looks like we're really in the game!
[11:42] Kagura
    Gin-chan, hurry this way!
SIGN    
SIGN    
[11:44] Gintoki
    Hey, my name is wrong. It's listed as Kintoki.
[11:48] Hanano
    Names can only be four characters long.
[11:51] Hanano
    And you can't change you name once it's been assigned, so please tolerate it.
[11:54] Gintoki
    Why is only this part of it like a Famicom?
SIGN    
SIGN    
    [Note: "Smegma" is
    partially censored.]
[11:56] Okita
    Hijikata-san, neither your first nor your last name fits, so I gave you a random name.
[12:01] Hijikata
    Hey, someone let me switch teams.
[12:03] Hanano
    I'd like to say that the first person to defeat the dark lord is the winner,
[12:08] Hanano
    but we don't have the time for that.
[12:09] ---
    So the first person to defeat the group of bandits who live in the cave to the north will be the winner.
[12:13] Manager
    Begin the game!
[12:16] Kagura
    All right! Let's go!
[12:18] Gintoki
    Wait. We'll be easily defeated at this level.
[12:21] Gintoki
    We need to make preparations.
[12:23] Okita
    What should we do? Shall we go buy some weapons?
[12:26] Okita
    Or should we gather some information in town, Smegma-san?
[12:29] Hijikata
    Hey, why is it that only my hit points are so low?
[12:32] Hijikata
    Why am I in the red from the moment I was created?
[12:35] Okita
    Who knows? I guess it's because you're Smegma.
[12:38] Hanano
    It seems that hit points are distributed at random.
[12:41] Hanano
    The Shinsengumi team is at a disadvantage from the beginning.
[12:43] Hijikata
    You've got to be kidding me!! Even a slime could kill me in a single hit!
SIGN    [Note: A slime is the weakest monster in Dragon Quest.]
[12:48] Gintoki
    You can slowly raise your levels here!
[12:51] Gintoki
    I don't know how many decades that'll take, though!
[12:55] Gintoki
    Hey! Why is it that I was poisoned from the beginning of the game?!
SIGN    [Level 1
    HP 15]
SIGN    [Level 1
    HP 14
    Poisoned]
[12:59] Gintoki
    Why was my screen green from the moment I was created?!
[13:01] Kagura
    This is why men are so hopeless... What woman did you get that from?!
[13:05] Hanano
    It seems there are still bugs in the game because it's still being developed.
[13:08] Gintoki
    You've got to be kidding!
[13:10] Gintoki
    My hit points are going to fall to zero before I even leave this town!
[13:13] ---
    Kagura, get me an antidote! Quickly, get me some antidote herbs!
[13:16] Kagura
    Okay!
[13:16] Hijikata
    How pathetic. We'll be moving ahead in this game while you're fooling around.
[13:21] Hijikata
    Ow.
[13:22] Hijikata
    What the-?!
[13:24] Hanano
    Whoa! Smegma has died.
[13:26] Hanano
    It seems that he lost all his hit points when he stubbed his toe on that sign.
[13:31] Shinpachi
    How weak is he? What is this, Spelunker?!
SIGN    [Note: Refers to the Spelunker game, widely known to be unfairly difficult.]
[13:33] Okita
    What are you doing, Hero Smegma?
[13:35] Okita
    Give me a break. I don't want to travel around dragging this heavy coffin.
[13:40] Hijikata
    Wait! Hey! Take me to a church! Hero-sama!
[13:45] Okita
    It's all right.
[13:46] Okita
    I don't have the gold pieces necessary to bring you back to life at a church.
[13:50] Okita
    I'm going to defeat some monsters and make some money.
[13:52] Hijikata
    Hey! There aren't any monsters in there!
[13:54] Hijikata
    There's only the monster called desire!
[13:56] Hanano
    He's been left behind! The hero Smegma has been completely left behind!
[14:00] ---
    Meanwhile, at the Odd Jobs team...
[14:01] Elder
    Somewhere in this world there's a medicine that an elf made that can cure any disease.
[14:08] Elder
    According to rumors, it's in a treasure trove in the fortress city of Pales.
[14:12] Elder
    But Pales is occupied by Berias, the leader of the demons.
[14:17] Kagura
    Really? Can it even cure poison?
[14:20] Gintoki
    Wait, wait, wait, wait!
[14:21] Elder
    Don't do it. You can't reach Pales at your level.
[14:26] Kagura
    I won't know unless I try.
[14:28] Gintoki
    Kagura, you don't need something as grand as that!
[14:30] Gintoki
    I just need antidote herbs! They sell it at the item shops for ten gold pieces.
[14:34] Elder
    So you still wish to go. In that case, I have no choice.
[14:38] Elder
    According to rumors, Berias spits poison.
[14:42] Elder
    Take these antidote herbs.
[14:45] Gintoki
    That's it! Kagura, that's it!
[14:47] Kagura
    Thank you, elder. I'm going to defeat Berias.
[14:50] Gintoki
    Are you listening to me?! And why are you eating those?!
[14:54] Gintoki
    At least use them during your fight with Berias!
[14:57] Elder
    Beria's weak spot is his head. Don't lose.
[15:01] Gintoki
    No! Her head is even more of a weakness than it is for Berias!
[15:05] Kagura
    Gin-chan, wait for me!
[15:06] Gintoki
    Hey, wait!
[15:08] Hanano
    He's been left behind! Someone has been left behind on this side, too!
[15:13] Hanano
    Now what is he going to do?! Nothing's going to get better at this rate.
[15:17] Gintoki
    We're not going anywhere at this rate.
[15:19] Gintoki
    Hey, help me out.
[15:20] Hijikata
    Help you? No way. You're my enemy. Why do I have to help you?
[15:24] Gintoki
    You could wait in that coffin for your partner who shows no signs of returning,
[15:27] Gintoki
    or you could get yourself out of this situation and advance. Which do you choose?
[15:31] Hijikata
    I'm just a corpse. What can I do?
[15:35] Gintoki
    Right now...
[15:36] Gintoki
    Curing my poison and bringing you back to life can be all dealt with if we see a priest at a church.
[15:42] ---
    But I need to walk more than fifteen steps to get to a church.
[15:46] Gintoki
    If I do that, I'll use up all of my hit points. I'll die.
[15:52] Hijikata
    So what do you want me to do?
[15:53] Gintoki
    In short, I have to move without walking.
[15:58] Hanano
    Whoa! Could this be...? It's a sled!
SIGN    [SMEGMA
    Level 1
    HP 0
    Dead]
SIGN    [KINTOKI
    Level 1
    HP 11
    Poisoned]
[16:01] Hanano
    He's using a coffin as a sled!
[16:03] Hanano
    But a sled can't move in a place without any slopes.
[16:09] Hanano
    Whoa, it's a rope!!
[16:10] ---
    But there aren't any horses... In this town...
[16:15] Hanano
    There is something!
[16:16] Hanano
    It's the elder! It's the antidote elder from earlier!
[16:21] Hanano
    The elder wanders around until a traveler talks to him.
[16:25] Hanano
    They're planning on making him pull the coffin to get to the church!
[16:28] Gintoki
    Go, Elder!
[16:30] Hanano
    How inhumane! What un-hero-like conduct!
[16:32] Hanano
    What will the elder do about the hero's unorthodox actions?!
[16:38] Hanano
    Whoa! The elder isn't heading to the church at all!
[16:41] Hanano
    As usual, he's moving at random.
[16:44] Gintoki
    Old man! Hey, act like an old man and go to pray! Please!
[16:49] Hanano
    Whoa! This is bad!
[16:51] Hanano
    They're headed into the field into the worst possible situation!
[16:55] Hijikata
    What the hell are you doing?!
[16:56] Hijikata
    I was tolerating this embarrassing treatment because you told me
[16:59] Hijikata
    that you were going to bring me back to life!
[17:00] Gintoki
    Shut up! I'm still poisoned!
[17:04] Hanano
    This is dangerous.
[17:05] Hanano
    If they run into a monster in this terrible situation, the whole party may be destroyed.
[17:10] Gintoki
    Elder! Turn back! Come back, Elder!
SIGN    [There is no response. It's just an elder.] [Note: Parody of Dragon Quest line "There is no response. It's just a corpse."]
[17:15] Gintoki
    This is bad. The elder is definitely angry!
[17:18] Hijikata
    That can't be! The elder exists only to give travelers antidote herbs!
[17:24] Gintoki
    No, somehow I get the feeling he's headed to an area where enemies will appear.
[17:28] Hijikata
    No! The elder is just walking at random! The elder isn't that sort of person!
[17:32] Gintoki
    What's your problem? What do you know about the elder?
[17:37] Hanano
    There they are! Monsters! Monsters have appeared!
SIGN    [Monsters have appeared]
SIGN    [Command: Fight Run Away Spells Items]
[17:42] Gintoki
    Elder! Run away! Old man! What are you doing? I'll kill you!
[17:48] Gintoki
    Elder! That old man just smirked at me! He definitely smirked at me just now!
SIGN    [There is no response.]
SIGN    [It's just an elder.]
[17:52] Hijikata
    No! The elder's not that sort of person!
[17:56] Gintoki
    This is bad. They're coming!
SIGN    [Monster A has attacked]
[17:57] Hijikata
    Do something. If you die, we'll be wiped out!
[18:00] Gintoki
    What am I supposed to do? I don't have weapons, or tools, or anything...
SIGN    [Command: Fight Run Away Spells Items → Elder]
[18:03] ---
    Elder! Why are you in “Items”?!
[18:06] ---
    Now's not the time to complain.
[18:08] Gintoki
    I'm desperate!
[18:10] Hijikata
    Hey, wait! Don't tell me that you're going to use the elder to…
[18:12] Gintoki
    Elder!
SIGN    [Critical Hit]
SIGN    [You have defeated the monsters.]
[18:16] Hanano
    Whoa! He used the elder as a weapon to overcome this difficult challenge!
[18:20] Hijikata
    Elder!
[18:21] Gintoki
    What incredible power…
[18:23] Gintoki
    Thank you, Elder. Umm… Sorry for doing terrible things to you earlier.
SIGN    [There is no response. It's just a corpse.]
[18:30] Gintoki
    Elder!
[18:32] Hanano
    Whoa! The elder has become a corpse.
[18:35] Hijikata
    Hey, this is completely your doing…
[18:37] Gintoki
    No. The elder's natural life just came to an end.
[18:40] Gintoki
    It just happened to come exactly at this moment.
[18:42] Hijikata
    You definitely did it! Turn yourself in!
[18:44] Gintoki
    Shut up. You're just a corpse, too. Don't talk back.
SIGN    [KAGURA
    Level 82
    HP 523]
[18:59] Kagura
    The elder's presence has disappeared! Did something happen to him?
[19:02] Gintoki
    Anyway, how strong did you get?!
[19:06] Berias
    That elder is no longer of this world.
[19:09] Gintoki
    She's already defeating guys who look way stronger than bandits!
[19:12] Berias
    The dark lord already has the medicine…
[19:14] Gintoki
    That's enough. Go and defeat the bandits already!
[19:20] Gintoki
    I've got to do something about it myself.
[19:22] Hijikata
    How are you using the elder?!
[19:25] Hanano
    The hero Kintoki has finally charged into the bandit's cave!
[19:28] Hanano
    Oh! That's a save point and a spring of healing.
[19:34] Hanano
    They did it! They can finally recover, after coming all the way here.
[19:41] Gintoki
    Sorry, but from this point on, we're enemies.
[19:43] Gintoki
    Be careful not to stub your toes, Smegma.
[19:48] Hijikata
    Hold up! Give me the elder.
[19:51] Gintoki
    What are you saying?!
[19:52] Hijikata
    Don't make the elder suffer any more.
[19:54] Gintoki
    What?! We've come this far because of Elder-sama.
[19:58] Hijikata
    That's why I'm telling you to not desecrate the dead anymore.
[20:02] Gintoki
    The elder's not dead. He's still alive in my heart.
[20:05] Hanano
    Whoa! The two are starting to fight over the elder right before their battle with the boss.
[20:10] Gintoki
    Are you telling me to part with the elder after all we went through?
[20:12] Gintoki
    I can't live without the elder anymore.
[20:15] Hijikata
    The elder should be returned to the town.
[20:17] Hijikata
    Adventurers need the elder.
[20:19] Gintoki
    The elder is forever going to be known amongst adventurers
[20:23] Gintoki
    as the legendary boomerang that defeated the bandits.
[20:26] Hanano
    Whoa! While they were fighting, the boss battle has already begun!
SIGN    [A group of bandits has appeared.]
[20:30] Hijikata
    Give him to me!
[20:31] Gintoki
    Let go!
[20:31] Hanano
    Oh no, look out!
[20:33] Gintoki
    I understand. You understand?
[20:34] Gintoki
    Let's split him evenly.
[20:37] Hijikata
    Make sure you split him evenly down the middle.
[20:41] Hanano
    They split him!
[20:43] ---
    They split the elder!
[20:48] Gintoki
    Elder! Elder!
[20:56] Hijikata
    Hey, it's kind of difficult to use his top half.
[20:59] Hijikata
    Trade with me.
[21:00] Hanano
    And who's the one who was talking about desecrating the dead?!
[21:08] Hijikata
    Thank you, Elder!
[21:10] Hijikata
    Where's the leader?!
[21:12] Hanano
    Bandits continue to be defeated thanks to the elder.
[21:16] Hanano
    The conclusion has come!
[21:18] ---
    Who's going to get the bandit leader's head?!
[21:22] Hanano
    Whoa! Suddenly, lightning strikes!
[21:24] Hanano
    What is this power that rivals even that of the elder?!
[21:28] Okita
    It's the king.
[21:29] Hanano
    It's the hero Okita! It's the hero Okita!
[21:32] Okita
    I hit a jackpot at the casino, and I bought a king.
[21:36] Gintoki
    What do you mean you bought a king?!
    What in the world did you do?!
[21:40] Bandit B
    You bastard!
[21:40] Bandit C
    You punks!!
[21:42] Hanano
    Why won't any of you fight with regular weapons?!
[21:46] Gintoki
    Crap! I never thought you would bring a king.
[21:48] Gintoki
    The elder is nothing in comparison…
    At this rate…
[21:58] Hanano
    Whoa! There's suddenly a giant hole in the roof of the cave!
[22:02] Gintoki
    Oh, what's that?
[22:04] Gintoki
    It's the dark lord! She has the dark lord!
[22:09] Kagura
    The OwEe is mine!
[22:11] ---
    Die, you fools!
[22:13] Okita
    You've got to be kidding?! It’s cheating to use the dark lord.
[22:16] Okita
    That's not fair! He's not a weapon! Die!
[22:19] Hijikata
    Yours isn't a weapon, either!
[22:21] Gintoki
    Damn it! I won't lose! I'll show you the elder's true power!
[22:25] Kagura
    Where's the leader?! Is it you? Hey, spit it out!
[22:29] Gintoki
    This is bad. I have to take a piss. Hold on! Time out! Pee time.
[22:33] Hijikata
    I don't care about that, stupid!
[22:34] Gintoki
    Hey! Kagura, I'm going to take a piss. In the meanwhile…
[22:43] Katsura
    Leader, please stop.
[22:44] Hijikata
    What's the deal with this gorilla-like guy?! Are you the leader?!
[22:51] Newscaster
    Sale of the new OwEe game console has been halted due to the discovery of a serious flaw.
[22:53] Gintoki
    Video games should only be played for an hour a day.
SIGN    [Thank you for your support for the past two years. Please continue to support us (excluding certain areas).]
SIGN    ["The More Something Is Disliked, The More Lovely It Is"]
[24:25] Gintoki
    The next episode: The one hundredth episode!
[24:27] ---
    GinTama's charging into its third year!
SIGN    [Gintoki meets a man on the train. He is Konishi of JUMP's editorial department…]
SIGN    [The GinTama anime has charged into its third year. Is this really an appropriate story for our commemorative one hundredth episode?]