E95 - "Men, Be A Madao"
Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN [Hasegawa accidentally performed a Kinniku Buster on a girl and has been arrested on molestation charges.]
SIGN [Incidentally, this year 2008 marks the 29th year of Ultimate Muscle's serialization.]
[01:39] Hasegawa
Hatsu, um...
[01:42] ---
Can you and I start over...?
[01:44] Haga
Hatsu-san...
[01:46] Hatsu
I'm sorry, I'll call you later.
[01:51] Woman A
Pervert!
[01:53] Woman B
It's the Kinniku Buster! Kinniku Buster!
SIGN [Note: Kinnikuman's trademark attack and one of 48 killer moves. From Ultimate Muscle.]
[01:57] Haga
I will be the prosecutor in the court of law where you will be tried in two days.
[02:03] Haga
My name is Haga.
[02:06] Heidi
Peter!
[02:08] Hasegawa
Heidi!
[02:10] Magistrate
We will now start the trial for the Edo Line Kinniku Buster molestation case.
[02:17] Gintoki
Sorry, I'm late!
[02:21] Gintoki
I'm the attorney, Sakata.
[02:24] ---
Nice to meet you.
[02:26] Hasegawa
Gin-san?
[02:28] Magistrate
We will now start the trial.
SIGN ["Men, Be A Madao"]
[02:39] Haga
On February 21st at 7:25, the defendant Taizo Hasegawa,
[02:45] Haga
forcefully grabbed the hand of the victim, Ms. A, on the platform at Kabukicho station
[02:50] Haga
and dragged her down into the railway.
[02:52] Haga
He is suspected of performing a Kinniku Buster in front of everyone.
[02:57] Haga
This is clearly an act of molestation and assault.
[02:59] Haga
And depending on the circumstances, it may even be considered attempted murder.
[03:06] Haga
Many people on the platform witnessed the defendant's actions.
[03:10] ---
Without even having to examine him, it is clear that the defendant is guilty.
[03:14] Gintoki
Objection!
[03:15] Officer
Defense Attorney Sakata.
[03:17] Gintoki
It is true that the defendant performed a Kinniku Buster on the victim.
SIGN [Kinniku Buster Molestation Case - Exhibit 1] [Note: Image is a spoof of the first appearance of Kinniku Buster in Ultimate Muscle.]
[03:22] Gintoki
However whether he did this with the intent to molest
[03:29] Gintoki
is still questionable.
[03:31] Gintoki
There is a strong possibility that this incident was an accident.
[03:34] ---
The defendant almost fell off the platform and
[03:37] ---
accidentally performed a Kinniku Buster on the girl.
[03:41] Gintoki
Therefore, I plead the defendant is not guilty.
[03:45] Hasegawa
Gin-san!
[03:47] Hasegawa
He's laying into him.
[03:49] ---
He's totally laying into Haga!
[03:53] Haga
Accidentally?
[03:54] Haga
Do you seriously think a complicated move like the Kinniku Buster
[03:57] Haga
can be performed accidentally?
[03:59] Haga
Apparently, the defense is unaware of how hard Kinnikuman
[04:03] Haga
had to work to come up with that move.
[04:05] Gintoki
Objection!
[04:07] Gintoki
In the first place, it's wrong to equate the Kinniku Buster as an act of molestation.
[04:12] Gintoki
The Kinniku Buster was used by Kinnikuman to destroy the evil super humans.
[04:16] Gintoki
I cannot imagine that Kinnikuman had perverted intentions
[04:18] Gintoki
when using this move against the giant super humans.
[04:21] ---
Besides...
[04:23] Gintoki
The move performed by the defendant is not the Kinniku Buster.
[04:26] ---
The Kinniku Buster is called that because it's done by Kinnikuman.
[04:30] Gintoki
The correct name for the move performed by the defendant, Taizo Hasegawa,
[04:33] Gintoki
should be the Hasegawa Buster.
[04:36] Haga
Objection!
[04:37] ---
The Kinniku Buster got its name when Kinnikuman perfected it.
[04:41] ---
Therefore, no matter who uses it, it should still be called the Kinniku Buster.
[04:45] Gintoki
Objection!
[04:47] Gintoki
The Kinniku Buster is one of 48 deadly moves that Prince Kamehame taught Kinnikuman.
[04:53] Gintoki
Kinnikuman was not the one who came up with it.
[04:55] Gintoki
When others used the move, the users' name preceded the move.
[04:58] ---
For example, when Ashuraman used this move, it was called the Ashura Buster.
[05:05] Magistrate
I will allow the objection.
[05:07] Haga
Damn.
[05:07] Magistrate
From here on, the Kinniku Buster will be called the Hasegawa Buster.
[05:14] Hasegawa
A-Amazing!
[05:16] Hasegawa
It was a totally meaningless exchange,
[05:18] Hasegawa
yet he managed to win against a professional.
[05:21] Hasegawa
As expected from a guy who can talk himself out of anything!
[05:23] ---
Look how cool he looks.
[05:25] ---
Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever seen him lose an argument.
SIGN [As Expected] [Note: The first character actually says 'sugar' and is not the correct kanji to use for this word.]
[05:30] ---
This may just work.
[05:31] Hasegawa
He may be able to get the job done for me.
[05:34] Gintoki
Your honor.
[05:35] Gintoki
He must have had unshakeable evidence for him to say a killer move
[05:38] Gintoki
taught by Prince Kamehame was used for molestation.
[05:41] ---
I'd like for him to present that evidence.
[05:44] Gintoki
I ask Prosecutor Haga to show us the evidence.
[05:49] Hasegawa
Go! Gin-san!
[05:52] Magistrate
Prosecutor Haga, present the evidence.
[05:56] Gintoki
Hm? What's wrong?
[05:58] Gintoki
Don't tell me you came to this conclusion without any evidence?
[06:01] ---
So these are false accusations?
[06:04] Haga
When we searched the defendant's room,
[06:07] Haga
we found these.
[06:15] Haga
I didn't want to bring out such offensive trash and violate the sanctity of the court, but...
[06:20] Hasegawa
Yikes...
SIGN [Note: Book Off is a popular Japanese used books chain that buys books from its customers and resells.]
[06:22] Hasegawa
I should have sold'em to Book Off a long time ago!
[06:30] Heidi
Joseph!
[06:33] Heidi
Joseph... How dare you kick me into the ravine.
[06:37] Hasegawa
Heidi...
[06:39] Hasegawa
Heidi came back from the depths of hell!
[06:42] Heidi
You can join me too. Joseph!
[06:46] Hasegawa
Gin-san! Hurry... Hurry and do something.
[06:50] Haga
He had about thirty of them.
[06:52] ---
Some were even about molestation.
[06:55] Haga
I think you can now see the defendant's abnormal obsession with sex.
SIGN [Edo Video Mature Audience] [Sales or rental to those under 18 years of age is prohibited.]
[07:01] Hasegawa
Gin-san!
[07:01] ---
I lent you a few of those, didn't I?
[07:04] Gintoki
Objection! These items presented by Prosecutor Haga are insufficient as evidence.
[07:09] Gintoki
Allow me to check what's on the disc.
[07:12] ---
Please play the videos.
[07:14] Hasegawa
You just wanna watch them!
[07:16] Haga
Objection! Your honor, the request by the defense is irrelevant to this case.
[07:21] ---
There's no reason to check what's on the discs.
[07:25] Magistrate
Objection overruled.
[07:27] ---
I will allow the request of the defense.
[07:30] ---
Please play the discs.
[07:32] Hasegawa
You just wanna watch them too?!
[07:35] Hasegawa
Hey, what kind of a trial is this anyway?
[07:37] Hasegawa
What's going on? What the hell...?
[07:41] Gintoki
Objection!
[07:41] Hasegawa
Who are you objecting to?
[07:43] Gintoki
Your honor, please rewind that section.
[07:46] ---
Back to the part with the spanking.
[07:48] Hasegawa
What kind of objection is this?!
[07:49] Haga
Objection! This is completely senseless.
[07:52] ---
Let's get back to the trial.
[07:54] Magistrate
Objection overruled.
[07:56] ---
Rewind and play it in slow motion.
[07:59] Hasegawa
Your honor!!
[08:01] Hasegawa
Hurry up or Heidi will...!
[08:04] Heidi
Die!
[08:06] Heidi
Grandpa!
[08:08] Grandpa
You damn dog! Heidi, hang in there.
[08:12] Hasegawa
Even the old man's trying to drop me into the ravine.
[08:17] Hasegawa
Gin-san!
[08:17] ---
I'm at my limit!
[08:19] Magistrate
Counsel, I would like to hear your opinion about the evidence presented.
[08:25] Gintoki
Why of course.
[08:27] ---
As a man, it's only natural to be interested in the opposite sex.
[08:31] ---
I think the defendant's collection is no more than what an average healthy male possesses.
[08:36] ---
On the contrary, I think it's abnormal to not own these kinds of videos.
[08:41] Gintoki
Or are you telling me, Haga-san, that you do not own a single video like these?
[08:45] Haga
Yes, but in general, I think thirty discs are too many.
[08:49] ---
Your honor. I would like to hear your take on this matter.
[08:54] Magistrate
The defendant's collection is not enough to be treated as evidence.
[08:58] Hasegawa
You've got more than thirty discs, your honor?!
[09:02] Grandpa
Oops, I missed. Sorry, Heidi.
[09:04] Heidi
You geezer...bastard!
[09:06] Hasegawa
Heidi!
[09:07] ---
Good, this is my chance. Gin-san, keep going.
[09:10] Gintoki
Prosecutor Haga...
[09:11] Gintoki
It looks like you've determined the defendant's guilt without any substantial evidence.
[09:16] Haga
Hold on.
[09:17] Haga
Prior to today's trial, I ran a background check on the defendant.
[09:23] ---
I checked his past history and relationships and discovered something very interesting.
[09:29] Gintoki
Objection!
[09:30] ---
Your honor, the prosecutor is clearly trying to change the subject.
[09:34] Magistrate
Objection overruled.
[09:37] ---
Prosecutor Haga, please continue.
[09:39] Haga
Please take a look at the previous GinTama episode.
[09:42] Gintoki
Haga-kun, stop this futile battle.
[09:45] ---
If you missed the last episode, then just buy the DVD or what will happen to Aniplex?
SIGN [Note: Aniplex is a Japanese music and anime production and distribution enterprise.]
[09:55] Haga
There's a man looking in on a girl changing.
[10:00] ---
Does he look familiar?
[10:04] Hasegawa
That's against the rules!
[10:20] End Of Part Ahaga
Three weeks ago, the attorney, Mr. Sakata,
[10:21] Haga
was questioned by police on charges of peeping into a girl's room while she was changing.
[10:29] Haga
Due to a lack of evidence he was let go with a stern warning,
[10:32] Haga
but can someone like that be qualified to defend the molestation charges of his client?
[10:37] Haga
I still question that. How do you all feel, ladies and gentlemen of the court?
[10:43] Audience A
Go home, pervert attorney!
[10:46] Audience B
A pair of perverts! Throw both of them in the slammer!
[10:51] Magistrate
Silence!
[10:52] ---
Silence in the court.
[10:54] ---
Prosecutor Haga! Do not incite the audience!
[10:57] Hasegawa
Haga! What an asshole!
[11:00] ---
Not only did he check up on me, but on Gin-san too?
[11:04] Hasegawa
So this is the power of a true professional prosecutor.
[11:06] Hasegawa
How can we win against this?
[11:10] Hasegawa
We don't have a chance in hell!
[11:17] Heidi
Joseph, Yuki-chan, come here.
SIGN [Note: Yuki is a goat from the anime version of Heidi. Gintoki is dressed up as him.]
[11:25] Hasegawa
Huh? What?
[11:34] Hasegawa
Heidi!!
[11:35] Heidi
Come here...
[11:41] Hasegawa
No, this isn't Heidi anymore.
[11:43] ---
Has she changed into something worse after being swallowed up by the abyss?
[11:46] Hasegawa
If that swallows us up, then we'll never find happiness.
[11:49] Hasegawa
Gin-san, do something.
[11:52] Gintoki
O...Objection!
[11:54] Gintoki
What happened to me has nothing to do with this case.
[11:57] ---
Besides, I was just resting in the park when that girl just happened to come into my view.
[12:02] ---
That misunderstanding has already been cleared up.
[12:04] Haga
Objection! It has everything to do with this.
[12:07] ---
Do you think a pervert can defend another pervert?
[12:10] ---
What this shows is that the two of them were part of some sexually perverted community.
[12:16] Gintoki
I'm telling you, I wasn't peeping!
[12:21] ---
Don't put me in the same category as this guy.
[12:23] Gintoki
I'm gonna kill you!!
[12:28] Haga
Your honor! Did you hear that?
[12:30] ---
The defense just admitted to the defendant's charges.
[12:33] Gintoki
Damn.
[12:39] Hasegawa
What are you saying?
[12:41] ---
You're supposed to be defending me, right?
[12:43] Gintoki
O-Objection! I made a mistake.
[12:46] Gintoki
That was a slip of the tongue.
[12:47] ---
The truth slipped out...
[12:48] Hasegawa
Come on! So you really believe I committed a lewd act?!
[12:53] Gintoki
Shut up! Now that it's down to this, all I can think about is saving myself.
[12:57] ---
The shuttle will now separate and take off on its own.
[13:01] Hasegawa
Don't give me that.
[13:02] ---
I'm taking you down with me now!
[13:08] Haga
The verdict is in.
[13:14] Haga
Your honor, further examination would only be a waste of time.
[13:18] ---
I ask you to hand down a severe punishment to the defendant, Taizo Hasegawa.
[13:22] Magistrate
Hm...
[13:24] Hasegawa
Just a minute!
[13:26] Hasegawa
If the defense's mistake determines my guilt,
[13:30] Hasegawa
then will the prosecutor's mistake determine my innocence?
[13:33] ---
If that's the case, then here it is.
[13:35] Hasegawa
Prosecutor Haga's secret!!
[13:39] Hasegawa
Prosecutor Haga and my wife...
[13:44] Hasegawa
He's in a relationship with my separated wife.
[13:48] Hasegawa
In hopes of getting together with my wife, he offered me an unlawful deal.
[13:55] Hasegawa
He said if I put my seal on the divorce papers, he'd let me win this trial.
[13:58] Gintoki
Hasegawa-san...
[14:00] Hasegawa
It's okay...
[14:02] Hasegawa
If I can win by humiliating myself...
[14:04] Hasegawa
If I can save Hatsu by humiliating myself, then I'll do it.
[14:12] Magistrate
Prosecutor Haga, is what the defendant just said true?
[14:17] Haga
It's true.
[14:22] Haga
But only up to the part where he said I have a relationship with his wife.
[14:28] Haga
It's not true that I offered him an unlawful deal.
[14:32] ---
What the defendant is saying is completely fictitious.
[14:35] Hasegawa
What are you saying?
[14:36] ---
You told me...
[14:38] Haga
Do you have proof?
[14:40] Haga
Proof that an unlawful deal was made between you and me.
[14:44] ---
If you have that proof, let's see it right now.
[14:48] Gintoki
Objection!
[14:49] Gintoki
Even if he may not be able to prove that an unlawful deal existed between the two of you, this picture...
[14:52] ---
...should serve as proof that you tried to convict the defendant based on personal reasons.
[14:57] Haga
But the same can be said for the defendant...
[15:00] Haga
That picture can serve as evidence that the defendant acted on personal reasons.
[15:02] Haga
It can be argued that he made up unfounded lies...
[15:06] Haga
from a grudge held against the prosecutor for stealing his wife.
[15:12] Haga
Not only that.
[15:14] Heidi
I found you!!
[15:18] Haga
With his wife deserting him and his work not going well,
[15:20] Haga
...the defendant was unable to find sexual... I mean, mental satisfaction...
[15:25] Haga
And so he fulfilled himself by committing lewd sexual acts.
[15:29] Haga
Doesn't this prove that?
[15:29] Hasegawa
Gin-san!
[15:33] Haga
This picture is proof that he is a doggone loser.
[15:38] Magistrate
Prosecutor Haga, watch what you say.
[15:42] Haga
If I can't call him a doggone loser, then what do you want me to call him?
[15:46] Haga
It's the perfect name for him.
[15:49] Haga
I was trying to entrap him so I could make Hatsu-dono mine?
[15:54] ---
That's ridiculous!
[15:54] ---
Do you think Hatsu-dono is still in love with a doggone loser like him?
[15:58] Haga
Do you think I would actually go out of my way to entrap a doggone loser like him?
[16:03] ---
There's no need for that.
[16:05] ---
Because Hatsu-dono and I already love each other!
[16:08] Haga
Your honor! There's no need to continue with the trial.
[16:11] ---
Hand down your sentence that befits this doggone loser.
[16:17] Magistrate
Defense, Prosecution.
[16:18] ---
Do either of you have any objections?
[16:20] Hasegawa
O-Objection!
[16:26] Heidi
No objections.
[16:37] Gintoki
Objection!
[16:44] Hasegawa
What's this?
[16:46] ---
Gin-san...
[16:52] Hasegawa
Clara!!
SIGN [Note: Gintoki is dressed up as Clara from the anime version of Heidi.]
[16:53] ---
Clara rises... No, flies!!
[16:58] Gintoki
Prosecutor! You just said, "we love each other..."
[17:04] Gintoki
And "there's no need to continue with the trial."
[17:06] Gintoki
In other words, the only thing that proves your innocence is that thing you call love.
[17:11] ---
If that's the case, then let's see it.
[17:13] ---
Let's see this love of yours.
[17:22] Shinpachi
Your honor!
[17:23] ---
This is what Prosecutor Haga calls love.
[17:27] Shinpachi
We found that Prosecutor Haga is involved with many women
[17:31] Shinpachi
besides the defendant Taizo Hasegawa's wife.
[17:36] Shinpachi
And not only that, they're all wealthy.
[17:38] ---
Upon further investigation, Prosecutor Haga is...
[17:40] Haga
Order the outsiders to leave.
[17:42] Gintoki
Objection! I brought these people down as material witnesses!
[17:46] ---
Please let them take the stand.
[17:49] Magistrate
I will allow it.
[17:51] Kagura
Huh? What's that? Love is your proof?
[17:54] ---
Looks like you're selling yourself cheap, Mr. Casanova.
[17:58] Haga
Objection! Those girls are all my friends.
[18:01] ---
Nothing more than that.
[18:03] ---
The only one I have a serious relationship with is Hatsu-san.
[18:06] ---
Or are you saying that you can prove my relationship with those girls?
[18:11] Shinpachi
Okay, let's say that you are only in love with Hatsu-san.
[18:15] Shinpachi
But that's just one-sided.
[18:17] Shinpachi
According to your logic, if Hasegawa-san and Hatsu-san were still in love,
[18:23] Shinpachi
then that leaves room for you to make an unlawful deal so you can make Hatsu-san yours.
[18:27] Haga
C-Can you even prove that?
[18:33] Gintoki
Your honor, do you mind if I tell you a story from the past?
[18:38] Magistrate
Go ahead.
[18:40] Gintoki
Long ago, there was a very loving couple.
[18:44] ---
The husband was the son of a low-class samurai
[18:46] ---
and the wife was the daughter of a high-ranking bureaucrat.
[18:49] ---
Their marriage was opposed due to their class differences,
[18:51] ---
but when the husband agreed to take the wife's last name, they were married.
[18:55] Gintoki
Because he married into a good family, the husband was given a high-ranking job.
[19:03] ---
But he didn't like it.
[19:05] ---
As a man, he felt he wanted to choose his own path and not be told what to do.
[19:11] Gintoki
On top of that, his wife even bought him a suit so he would look decent.
[19:17] ---
This angered the husband and they had a huge fight.
[19:20] ---
He reported to work on his first day wearing his usual dirty kimono.
[19:23] Gintoki
When the conservative higher-ups saw this, they got really upset.
[19:28] ---
So the husband had no choice, but to put his suit on
[19:31] ---
and go to his boss' house that night to apologize.
[19:34] Gintoki
There was a woman who got there before him, kneeling on the ground with her forehead on the gravel.
[19:40] ---
A shabbily clothed woman apologizing with her head to the ground.
[19:45] Gintoki
She said, in our house, this is our formal wear so please forgive my husband.
[19:49] ---
The woman cried as she begged for forgiveness.
[19:52] Gintoki
His wife took off her usual pretty clothes and threw herself on the ground,
[19:55] Gintoki
bowing to her husband's boss who was well beneath her social status.
[20:03] Gintoki
The husband saw this and ripped apart the suit he was wearing.
[20:07] Gintoki
And...
[20:09] Gintoki
...along with his wife, cried and begged for forgiveness until the morning.
[20:15] Gintoki
Ever since then, whenever the husband has an important event,
[20:18] Gintoki
he always puts on that suit.
[20:21] Gintoki
He always remembers his wife who shamelessly apologized for his sake.
[20:24] Gintoki
And he vows to throw away his pride and work hard for the sake of his wife.
[20:29] Gintoki
And that shabby old suit that has gone through
[20:33] Gintoki
one too many alterations is now too short.
[20:36] Hasegawa
You bastard... How do you know that embarrassing story?
[20:40] Gintoki
I was asked to give you this new suit since the one you have on is so unsightly.
[20:45] ---
But sorry! He didn't wear the new suit you got for him again.
[20:52] Gintoki
He's such a stubborn guy.
[20:54] Gintoki
No, they're just a stubborn couple.
[20:58] ---
You're perfect for each other with those shabby clothes.
[21:06] Hasegawa
Hatsu!
[21:08] Magistrate
I will now give you your sentence.
[21:11] Magistrate
The defendant, Taizo Hasegawa...
[21:14] Magistrate
...is guilty.
[21:19] Magistrate
You're guilty of causing your wife grief.
[21:20] ---
Go after her right now. That's your sentence.
[21:24] Hasegawa
Your honor!
[21:27] Magistrate
As for Prosecutor Haga, I will hand down his punishment as soon as we get more details.
[21:33] ---
The DVD owned by the defendant will be considered hazardous,
[21:37] Magistrate
and therefore will be left in my keeping.
[21:40] Hasegawa
Why? You really wanna watch them, don't you?
[21:43] Magistrate
And with this, the case is closed.
[21:52] Gintoki
Why didn't you say anything?
[21:54] ---
If you had brought up the fact that Hasegawa-san ran away after being ordered to commit suicide by harakiri,
[21:59] ---
we would've had no chance of winning.
[22:02] Haga
I wanted to fight.
[22:05] ---
After all, a woman you truly love should be won over by real ability.
[22:09] Gintoki
You...
[22:10] Haga
This is the only way I knew how.
[22:13] ---
Although she never gave me the time of day,
[22:16] Haga
she was a wonderful woman.
[22:18] ---
And...he has some great friends.
[22:21] Haga
How I envy him...
[22:23] Hasegawa
Hatsu! Wait, wait for me.
[22:26] Hasegawa
We need to talk... Whoa!
SIGN [Won the Case]
[22:32] Shinpachi
We did it, Hasegawa-san.
[22:34] Kagura
Madao! We expect to get compensated!
[22:41] Hasegawa
Hatsu!
SIGN
[24:16] Kai
It suddenly appeared beneath our feet.
[24:20] ---
There was only one thing we knew.
[24:23] ---
That it was neither a living creature nor man-made.
[24:25] ---
It was despair itself.
SIGN ["If You're A Man, Don't Give Up."]
SIGN [A planet is about to be destroyed by the erosion of a mysterious object.]
SIGN [The legendary savior "Umibozu" appears before those who are standing on the edge of despair.]