E42 - You Know What Happens if You Pee on a Worm

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:00] Gintoki
    Keep the room well-lit and watch from a distance, okay?
[00:04] Gintoki
    Huh?
SIGN    [Gintoki was swallowed up by the alien that grew to a humongous size.]
SIGN    [What is it that Umibozu saw as he searched for Kagura?]
[01:43] Umibozu
    Kagura!
SIGN    ["You Know What Happens if You Pee on a Worm"]
[01:50] Umibozu
    Kagura!
[01:51] Umibozu
    Hey! Get a hold of yourself!
[01:58] Umibozu
    You bastards... Did you just sit there and watch?
[02:03] Umibozu
    After my daughter saved your lives... as she grew weaker and weaker...
[02:07] Umibozu
    Did you just sit there and watch her die?
[02:10] Prince Hata
    W-W-Wait! In this situation, we couldn't call a doctor, even if we tried... Right, Jii?
[02:14] Jii
    Don't pass it to me! I don't know what happened! I don't know anything!
[02:17] ---
    I'm still in shock!
[02:17] Umibozu
    Damn you!
[02:23] Kagura
    Pappy, don't. Not after I saved their lives.
[02:27] Umibozu
    Kagura! It's okay now!
[02:29] ---
    Daddy's going to take care of you! You don't have to worry!
[02:32] Kagura
    I've changed, haven't I?
[02:34] ---
    My strength is not just for hurting people. I can protect people too, now, uh-huh.
[02:42] Umibozu
    Don't talk anymore!
[02:43] Kagura
    When I did...I made so many friends.
[02:48] Kagura
    I'm not alone anymore.
[02:51] Kagura
    The Yato fought, and fought, and destroyed themselves.
[02:55] Kagura
    The Yato fought, and fought, and found themselves all alone.
[02:59] Kagura
    Pappy, big brother...everyone...
[03:02] Kagura
    The ones we have to fight are ourselves. If we don't...everyone will be all alone.
[03:25] Kagura
    Pappy...
[03:31] Umibozu
    Kagura!
[03:33] Umibozu
    Kagura!
[03:37] Kagura (M)
    Gin...chan.
[03:39] Kagura (M)
    Gin-cha...
[03:46] Gintoki
    Kagura!
[03:51] Kagura (M)
    Gin-chan...
[04:03] Gintoki
    Damn earthworm monster! Let her go!
[04:05] Gintoki
    Or I'll...I'll piss on you!
[04:08] Umibozu
    Don't do that!
[04:10] Umibozu
    Your you-know-what will swell up!
[04:13] Umibozu
    Didn't your mother...ever teach you that?
[04:17] Umibozu
    Aren't you a bit late to be showing up now, young man?
[04:20] ---
    What brings you here?
[04:22] Gintoki
    I love spectacles. Don't you? Fires, fights and aliens are what Edo is famous for.
[04:28] Umibozu
    All I know is...you're a pain in the ass!! Get lost.
[04:31] Gintoki
    Shut up! At least I still have two arms!
[04:33] Umibozu
    My one arm is worth three of yours!
[04:36] Gintoki
    Oh yeah?! Well, three of mine are worth six of yours!!
[04:44] Gintoki
    You should go home! Go to a hospital and get a new brain to go with your new arm!!
[04:49] Umibozu
    If I get a new brain, it'll be to bring one back for you!!
[04:54] Umibozu
    And I'm not going to a hospital for just an arm! My left arm was a prosthetic anyways.
[04:59] Gintoki
    Have them make you a prosthetic head while they're at it, you barcode-headed geezer!
[05:08] Kondo
    Stop it! Your reign of terror ends here!
[05:12] Kondo
    Don't let them get into the streets of Edo!
[05:15] Member B
    Vice-chief! The terminal is coming apart!
[05:19] ---
    They're not going to blame us, are they?
[05:21] Hijikata
    Who cares? We'll just say that the monster destroyed it.
[05:24] Ketsuno Announcer
    Viewers, did you hear that? Despite specific orders from the government, the Shinsen-
[05:38] Member F
    Look at that!
[05:39] Member G
    The alien is retreating.
[05:41] Kondo
    We did it! We've won!
[05:44] Hijikata
    No, we haven't.
[05:46] Member D
    Wh-What's it doing?! The alien is wrapping around the ship!
[05:49] Ketsuno Announcer
    What's happening? What is going on over there?
[05:53] Member D
    Look! There's someone...!
[05:54] Member F
    Right in the middle of the monster!
[05:56] Member G
    Amid a maelstrom of jaws, someone is yelling! They're shouting something!
[06:00] Hijikata
    Umibozu? That's...Umibozu! And that guy!
[06:04] Gintoki
    Out of my way!
[06:05] Umibozu
    Or we're gonna piss on you!
[06:09] Hijikata
    That's Umibozu? He's like a monster.
[06:12] Okita
    No, no... Boss is keeping up with his pace!
[06:15] Kondo
    With them there, we can't just carelessly shoot. They'll be caught in the crossfire...
[06:20] Hijikata
    Those are...Bakufu warships.
[06:22] Kondo
    It's Pops! Old man Matsudaira is here!
[06:25] Okita
    The god of destruction! Katakuriko Matsudaira!
[06:29] Kondo
    We've got trouble! After that old guy is done, only ashes will be left!
[06:32] Kondo
    He'll take out the entire terminal!
[06:40] Umibozu
    Looks like they've finally shown up for their photo op!
[06:43] Umibozu
    We've just about taken care of things here.
[06:46] ---
    I've got to hand it to you, punk, for an Earthling, you're pretty good.
[06:48] Gintoki
    That means a whole lot of nothing coming from you, monster.
[06:52] Gintoki
    I'm amazed you fought this far with just one arm.
[06:55] Umibozu
    You only have one arm yourself.
[06:56] ---
    For your own sake, go home. You'll die if you stay any longer.
[06:58] Gintoki
    I'd love to, but I don't see any exits around here.
[07:03] Umibozu
    I can't figure you out.
[07:05] Umibozu
    You pushed Kagura away, so what are you doing here? Why do all this?
[07:09] Gintoki
    I'd like to know the same thing. Why did I come here?
[07:14] Umibozu
    Are you...
[07:15] Gintoki
    Relax. I'm not planning on taking that loudmouth brat back with me.
[07:20] Gintoki
    And of course, I'm not planning on dying either. It's just that...
[07:22] Gintoki
    I'm not going to let her die.
[07:28] Umibozu
    Interesting. You're an interesting fellow.
[07:31] ---
    I think I understand why Kagura likes you.
[07:36] Umibozu
    But what can you do with only one arm?
[07:38] Gintoki
    You only have one arm, too.
[07:40] Umibozu
    No, no...
[07:43] Gintoki/Umibozu
    Together, we've got two!
[07:46] Gintoki
    It makes me sick to do it, but I'll help you until we rescue Kagura!
[07:50] Gintoki
    Count your blessings, Pops.
[07:52] Umibozu
    I see... Thanks!
[07:57] Okita
    What's that? The ship's keel, it's...
[07:58] Hijikata
    H-Hey, it's...
[08:03] Member F
    Wh-What is that?!
[08:05] Umibozu
    The nucleus. The core of the parasitic alien.
[08:09] Umibozu
    It's the first one I've seen that's this huge.
[08:11] Umibozu
    It's absorbed an excessive amount of the terminal's energy and finally blew right through the ship.
[08:17] Umibozu
    If we smash that, we'll be able to stop this thing.
[08:23] Umibozu
    Ka...
[08:25] Umibozu
    Kagura!
[08:32] Gintoki
    It swallowed her up!
[08:35] Umibozu
    We've got a problem... We can't kill it now!
[08:39] Umibozu
    If we do, Kagura will die.
[08:41] Matsudaira
    Attention!
[08:43] Matsudaira
    All civilians in the terminal vicinity! Leave the area immediately.
[08:48] Matsudaira
    We are about to open fire on the alien! Vacate the area immediately.
[08:52] Gintoki
    Wha?!
[08:53] Umibozu
    What?!
[08:53] Kondo
    Pops, wait! A civilian child has been sucked into the alien.
[08:58] Matsudaira
    Kondo... Are you weighing the life of a single civilian with all of Edo?
[09:03] Matsudaira
    Our mission is to save as many lives as we can.
[09:07] Matsudaira
    Would you risk your entire mission for just one of those lives? Don't be a wussy.
[09:12] Kondo
    But, Pops!
[09:14] Member D
    Chief, the alien!
[09:15] Kondo
    Damn! It's on the move again.
[09:18] Matsudaira
    You see what I mean? That's what happens when you don't listen to me.
[09:21] ---
    But Pops knows best, doesn't he? I'm made up of 80 percent correctness.
[09:27] Matsudaira
    You two go on home! You're in our way!
[09:32] Umibozu
    Go.
[09:34] Umibozu
    This place will soon be a sea of flames.
[09:37] Gintoki
    You...aren't thinking of doing this alone, are you?!
[09:40] Umibozu
    I'm a real loser. I'm called the fiercest there is, but I can't protect anything.
[09:48] Umibozu
    Not my family... Not my only daughter... Nothing.
[09:52] Kagura
    The Yato fought, and fought, and found themselves all alone.
[09:56] Kagura
    The ones we have to fight are ourselves. If we don't...everyone will be all alone.
[10:03] Umibozu
    This the price I have to pay for running away for so long.
[10:06] ---
    I'm sorry, Kagura...
[10:08] ---
    At least let me die together with you.
[10:13] Gintoki
    This is why daughters get mad at their fathers.
[10:20] Gintoki
    Look dad, can't you even trust your own kid?
[10:25] Gintoki
    Do you think she's so weak that a little thing like this'll kill her?
[10:28] Gintoki
    Five minutes. Just delay 'em five minutes for me.
[10:32] Gintoki
    I'm not asking you to believe in me. But...
[10:35] Gintoki
    At least believe in Kagura.
[10:38] Umibozu
    What're you planning to do?!
[10:44] Umibozu (M)
    What a crazy thing to do...
[10:57] Hijikata
    What're we gonna do, Kondo-san?!
[11:00] Matsudaira
    Ready the Matsu-Blaster for firing!
[11:02] Subordinate A
    Commissioner
[11:03] Matsudaira
    Never mind. Just fire.
[11:05] Subordinate B
    No, it's not that...
[11:06] Subordinate B
    Look at that...
[11:08] Subordinate A
    They didn't leave...
[11:10] Subordinate A
    In fact, there are more of them.
[11:11] Matsudaira
    What?
[11:12] Shinpachi
    You dumb-asses! Can't you see this old guy?
[11:15] Jii
    If you shoot now, this idiot prince will be blasted to death!
[11:18] Jii
    You'll have an international incident on your hands!
[11:20] Jii
    Just wait five minutes, that's all we ask!
[11:23] Shinpachi
    Sure, what difference could five minutes make?
[11:25] Shinpachi
    Go make yourself some instant ramen while you wait!
[11:28] Umibozu
    Y-You people...
[11:30] Jii
    That girl saved us.
[11:33] Prince Hata
    They won't shoot, will they? We'll be all right, won't we?
[11:36] Shinpachi
    That darn wavy head! If he was intent on coming, he should've said so at the start.
[11:42] Shinpachi
    Well, I knew he was going to come, anyway.
[11:46] Kagura
    I've changed, haven't I?
[11:50] ---
    I can protect people too, now, uh-huh.
[11:55] Kagura
    When I did...I made so many friends.
[12:01] Kagura
    I'm not alone anymore.
[12:02] Gintoki
    Kagura...
[12:05] ---
    Wake up...
[12:09] Kagura
    Gi...Gin-chan...
[12:12] Gintoki
    Look, I'm gonna eat all your pickled seaweed!
[12:20] Subordinate A
    Commissioner... He's the real thing! The real Prince Hata.
[12:23] Subordinate A
    What's he doing there?
[12:25] Matsudaira
    Oh, is this it? Is this the Matsu-blaster firing button?
[12:28] Subordinate B
    Uh...yeah... But we have to quickly rescue him.
[12:32] Subordinate B
    Huh? Did you just push that? You're kidding! You just pushed it?!
[12:35] Matsudaira
    I have to be at my daughter's birthday party at five.
[12:38] Subordinate A
    What?! We have to stop it!
[12:41] Subordinate B
    It can't be stopped!
[12:42] Jii
    Does it look like they're starting to fire?
[12:44] Prince Hata
    You're kidding, right? I am a prince, you know!
[12:46] Shinpachi
    We're in trouble. We gotta get outta here!
[12:49] Kagura
    That's my pickled seaweed!
[12:53] Umibozu
    Kagura!
[12:55] Umibozu
    You did it?!
[12:58] Gintoki
    Man, that kid sure gets vicious about food.
[13:01] Gintoki
    Did her parents starve her or something?
[13:03] Umibozu
    You know what I wonder? Did your parents cut out your brain?
[13:07] Gintoki
    Maybe I never had any parents.
[13:11] Umibozu
    That I can believe!
[13:13] Gintoki
    Now then, shall we?
[13:15] Umibozu
    Let's finish the job.
[13:17] Gintoki
    Let's do it, dad.
[13:18] Umibozu
    Who're you calling "dad"?!
[13:25] Member D
    Look! The alien is...
[13:27] Kondo
    Pops! Stop the attack! There's no need to shoot anymore!
[13:31] Matsudaira
    Stop? Don't be silly!
[13:33] ---
    Kuriko is still seventeen.
[13:35] ---
    She said she wants to celebrate her party alone with her boyfriend.
[13:38] ---
    But she plans on staying out all night. I absolutely won't allow that.
[13:41] ---
    I'll do everything I can to stop it. I'll even dance the Lambada on top of her cake.
[13:45] Kondo
    Not stop as in "stop over"! Can't you think of anything else except your daughter?!
[13:49] Matsudaira
    Quiet! I can't stop it now, anyway.
[13:53] Matsudaira
    Hurry up and get out of there! I won't be responsible for whatever happens to you!!
[13:58] Jii
    Huh? Run? Where are we supposed to go?
[14:00] Shinpachi
    My glasses... My glasses... My glasses...
[14:01] Gintoki
    Down's no good. Go up. Up!
[14:03] Kagura
    Give me back my pickled seaweed!
[14:09] Umibozu
    Kagura, pull yourself together.
[14:11] ---
    Stop it, he's bleeding.
[14:12] Umibozu (M)
    She's not fully conscious. She broke through the nucleus in this condition?
[14:17] Umibozu
    This man's voice reached into the depths of Kagura's subconscious.
[14:21] Kagura
    Ah! Pickled seaweed.
[14:27] Umibozu
    What're you doing?! Pappy's precious hair!
[14:31] Gintoki
    Hey! What're you eating?!
[14:33] ---
    Spit it out! You'll go bald! You'll go bald if you eat that!
[14:37] Gintoki
    Huh? What's that sound?
[14:56] Subordinate A
    Destruction...confirmed.
[15:05] Kondo
    My...god...
[15:06] Kondo
    Those guys must be...
[15:20] Matsudaira
    How is that possible?
[15:23] Matsudaira
    With just an umbrella...
[15:25] Matsudaira
    he blocked the blast.
[15:29] Shinpachi
    B-Bozu-san!
[15:31] Umibozu
    Looks like I got a bit fired up myself!
[15:33] Gintoki
    Your hair is on fire, but...
[15:36] Umibozu
    Imagine me dying...to save somebody else!
[15:40] Gintoki
    H-Hey!
[15:42] Shinpachi
    Bozu-san!
[15:43] Gintoki
    Baldy! Hey, Baldy!
[15:45] Shinpachi
    Bal...I mean... Bozu-san.
[15:47] Gintoki
    Baldy...
[15:48] Gintoki
    Baldy, but only on the right!
[16:02] Prince Hata
    At one point, I really thought it was the end,
[16:05] Prince Hata
    but I prevailed with my exceptional kara-tay skills.
[16:11] Hijikata
    What're we going to do with this mountain of dead alien flesh?
[16:13] Okita
    The terminal will be out of service for a while, as well.
[16:16] Hijikata
    No telling what the higher-ups are going to say. That old man, for chrissake...
[16:20] Hijikata
    But that monster was every bit what the rumors said he was.
[16:23] Hijikata
    I mean Umibozu... Umibozu.
[16:26] Hijikata
    To tell the truth, I was way more scared of him than the alien.
[16:30] Kondo
    Really? He didn't look like a monster to me.
[16:36] Kondo
    He just looked like any father, struggling to protect his daughter.
[16:40] Kondo
    A father just like any other around here, having trouble with his daughter.
[16:44] Kondo
    Did you find what you were looking for, Umibozu-dono?
[16:50] Gintoki
    How's Kagura?
[16:52] Umibozu
    She's being treated by the rescue team. Her injury was pretty serious.
[16:55] Gintoki
    Shouldn't you get treated, too?
[16:58] Umibozu
    I told you, my left arm was a prosthetic from the start.
[17:02] Umibozu
    I just need to get a new one.
[17:03] Gintoki
    Not your arm...your brain.
[17:05] Umibozu
    What do you mean?
[17:06] Gintoki
    You know what I mean.
[17:07] Umibozu
    Oh, in that case, I'll kill you.
[17:11] Umibozu
    Now, I'm missing not only my arm, but my hair, too...
[17:15] Gintoki
    It'll grow back in time.
[17:16] Umibozu
    Arms don't grow back.
[17:18] Gintoki
    Not your arm... Your hair.
[17:20] Umibozu
    I see... My hair, eh? All you talk about is my hair. I'll kill you.
[17:26] Umibozu
    But anyway, both of them serve as a lesson to me.
[17:32] Gintoki
    A lesson?
[17:33] Umibozu
    I lost it to my own kid, you see.
[17:37] Umibozu
    Not Kagura. I have an older kid, too.
[17:41] Umibozu
    That one's a real bad egg.
[17:43] Umibozu
    No...not bad, let's just say he faithfully carried the blood of the Yato Clan.
[17:48] Umibozu
    He's a kid who's the personification of the fighting spirit.
[17:51] Umibozu
    A long time ago, the Yato clan had a terrible custom called "Parent Killing."
[17:57] Umibozu
    It was a savage practice where a person's worth was determined by surpassing their parents.
[18:00] Umibozu
    These days, that practice has all but disappeared, but he tried to revive it.
[18:07] Umibozu
    He tried to take the head of the legendary Umibozu.
[18:11] Umibozu
    Surprised? That's what we Yato are like.
[18:17] Umibozu
    When it happened, I suddenly realized...
[18:20] Umibozu
    Squaring off with my own son, who was going for my neck...
[18:23] Umibozu
    That I wasn't trying to stop him... I was trying to kill him.
[18:31] Umibozu
    If Kagura hadn't stopped me, I would have murdered him for sure.
[18:35] Umibozu
    Even now, I can't forget the fear I saw in her eyes.
[18:40] Umibozu
    After that, I couldn't go near my home.
[18:44] Umibozu
    I was afraid that Kagura would one day seek my life as well.
[18:49] Umibozu
    I was overwhelmed with the fear, that if she did,
[18:53] Umibozu
    I would not be able to suppress the beast inside of me.
[18:56] Umibozu
    I didn't have the courage to change, or to trust myself,
[18:59] Umibozu
    so I ran away, leaving young Kagura and her dying mother behind.
[19:02] Umibozu
    I was afraid of destroying my family, but in the end, not a trace of my family remains.
[19:09] Umibozu
    I came all this way, because I didn't want Kagura to go through the same thing I did.
[19:15] Umibozu
    But I almost repeated the same mistake.
[19:19] Umibozu
    When you told me, it hit me.
[19:21] Umibozu
    It was Kagura who stopped me then, and it was always Kagura who supported me.
[19:27] Umibozu
    That's how she is, and yet I couldn't even trust her one bit.
[19:31] Umibozu
    I thought I saw myself in Kagura. But Kagura and I are different. She's...
[19:38] Umibozu
    She's a lot stronger than I am.
[19:45] Umibozu
    But I-I'm a total failure as a father.
[19:50] Umibozu
    No...maybe I'm the only one who thinks I'm a father.
[19:55] Umibozu
    Maybe she doesn't even think of me as her father.
[19:59] Gintoki
    A letter...
[20:02] Gintoki
    She always wrote them in secret.
[20:04] Gintoki
    Since you had no permanent address, they were always sent back to my place.
[20:09] Gintoki
    I secretly kept all of them in my closet hoping if I ever got the chance to hand them to you...
[20:14] Gintoki
    This is the only one I have right now.
[20:16] Gintoki
    Oh, and don't worry, I'd never do anything so crass as to read them.
[20:19] Gintoki
    I figured you're not the type...to read this and go nuts about it.
[20:25] Gintoki
    See you later.
[20:26] Umibozu
    Hey!
[20:27] Gintoki
    I don't know all the details, but...
[20:30] Gintoki
    If you have a parent who cares about you, what more do you need?
[20:35] Gintoki
    I wish I had one... A family like yours.
[20:40] Umibozu
    Gin...
[20:41] Gintoki
    Ironic, ain't it?
[20:43] Gintoki
    How the people who don't have things...usually understand them better than the ones who do.
[20:49] Gintoki
    So...cherish her... Okay?
[21:04] Shinpachi
    Let me make this clear. I'm staying at the Odd Jobs for good.
[21:08] Shinpachi
    You can think of me as family.
[21:14] Gintoki
    Didn't he say he was quitting?
[21:19] Umibozu
    Cherish her, huh?
[21:24] Umibozu
    Hey! Are you listening, Kagura?
[21:27] Umibozu
    That's the deal. From now on... Daddy will cherish you.
[21:33] Umibozu
    So be happy, okay?
[21:36] Kagura
    Pappy! Why...
[21:38] ---
    Wait, Pappy!
[21:44] Kagura
    Dear Father,
[21:46] Kagura
    I haven't seen you in a while. Are you well? I'm doing fine.
[21:51] Kagura
    Right now, I am living in a city called Edo with some strange people called samurai.
[21:57] Kagura
    They are truly strange creatures.
[22:01] Kagura
    Even though they're usually all weak, hopeless and pathetic,
[22:05] Kagura
    when it really counts, they call on some idea called "Bushido" and become these tough, noble warriors.
[22:14] Kagura
    And they have something in common with the Yato. They're all fighting against themselves.
[22:19] Kagura
    I think if I stay here I can change.
[22:23] Kagura
    I think I can become a person who doesn't give in to herself.
[22:27] Kagura
    If I do change, Pappy... I want you to take me with you on your travels.
[22:34] Kagura
    My dream is to travel through the universe with you...and become the top alien hunter in the galaxy.
[22:40] ---
    Love, Kagura.
[22:45] Umibozu
    I'll be waiting, Kagura.
SIGN    [The Look]
SIGN    
[24:25] Catherine
    Next time, now that Kagura is gone, I'll be the heroine!
SIGN    [The Figure]
SIGN    [The Character]
SIGN    ["Make Characters So Anybody Can Tell Who They Are by Just Their Silhouettes"]
SIGN    [A fight breaks out over who will be the next heroine.]
SIGN    [Otae vs. Sachan vs. Catherine, and even Otose!]