E348 - Men Must Live Not Long Nor Thick, but Hard
Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:05] (Flashback) K
Men,
[00:07] (Flashback) K
I called you here for one reason:
SIGN Watch the Silver Soul Arc in a bright room
and at a safe distance from your TV!!
[00:11] (Flashback) K
there is an issue causing
unrest in the court,
[00:14] (Flashback) K
and I felt the need to
discuss it immediately.
[00:19] (Flashback) K
I have heard all about it.
[00:21] (Flashback) K
Ever since I fell sick,
[00:23] (Flashback) K
the struggle for the right to succeed
me as king of Planet Okoku
[00:28] (Flashback) K
has split you all into two factions
[00:30] (Flashback) K
that are locked in an ugly
conflict over succession.
[00:34] (Flashback) K
This is all my fault for being weak.
[00:40] (Flashback) K
I don't have long left.
[00:42] (Flashback) K
So I must resolve this problem before I go.
[00:47] (Flashback) Jii
Your Highness, you needn't
trouble yourself with this.
[00:51] (Flashback) Jii
Our utmost desire is to see you remain
on the throne for as long as possible.
[00:57] (Flashback) Jii
Please leave the administration
to us and focus on recovering.
[01:02] (Flashback) Jii
Prince Hata is leading us
retainers in your stead.
[01:08] (Flashback) Jii
His kind heart, filled with
love for every living being,
[01:13] (Flashback) Jii
is propping us all up.
[01:15] (Flashback) Jii
He will surely be a wonderful king.
[01:19] (Flashback) Dan
Kindness?
[01:21] (Flashback) Dan
Nes, are you saying that
qualifies him to be king?
[01:25] (Flashback) Dan
Can a "kind" prince who ignores
national affairs to dote on animals
[01:29] (Flashback) Dan
really protect the subjects?
[01:30] (Flashback) Jii
Dan! You dare to insult the
prince in front of the king?!
[01:34] (Flashback) Dan
I'm prepared to sacrifice
my life to say this.
[01:38] (Flashback) Dan
Your Highness!
[01:39] (Flashback) Dan
Only Prince Barkas can lead
this country and its people!
[01:44] (Flashback) Dan
His acumen in military
strategy, his political savvy,
[01:47] (Flashback) Dan
and above all, his status as the eldest
son make him truly fit to be king!
[01:51] (Flashback) Dan
So why hasn't he been appointed successor?
[01:54] (Flashback) Jii
Dan, don't cause any more political
unrest than you already have.
[01:57] (Flashback) Dan
Shut up!
[01:57] (Flashback) Dan
You're just a hyena who wants
to leech off of Prince Hata!
[02:01] (Flashback) Jii
Hmph. You know very well why
he hasn't been made successor.
[02:05] (Flashback) Jii
Prince Barkas certainly is brilliant
and has a personality fit to be king.
[02:11] (Flashback) Jii
But there is one kingly quality that
he crucially loses out to Prince Hata on.
[02:19] (Flashback) Jii
That's right. He is tiny!
[02:23] (Flashback) Jii
Oh, pardon me. I forgot that
you're pretty small yourself.
[02:27] (Flashback) Jii
I mean the symbol of our
race's males and our pride:
SIGN Peerinitis
[02:30] (Flashback) Jii
Peerinitis.
[02:32] (Flashback) Jii
Or, for short, Penis!
SIGN Penis
[02:34] (Flashback) Jii
Since ancient times, a male's worth has
been decided by his forehead Penis's size,
[02:39] (Flashback) Jii
and we've placed utmost importance on it.
[02:41] (Flashback) Jii
Regardless of everything else,
the one with the bigger Penis is better.
[02:44] (Flashback) Jii
The one with the bigger
Penis is more popular.
[02:46] (Flashback) Jii
The one with the bigger Penis
has an easier time hailing taxis.
[02:48] (Flashback) Jii
The one with the bigger Penis
is a superior creature!
[02:52] (Flashback) Jii
The royal family is no exception.
[02:55] (Flashback) Jii
Even if he was born first,
even if he's hugely talented,
[02:59] (Flashback) Jii
one with a tiny Penis
has no right to be king!
[03:05] (Flashback) Jii
Because while hard work can
make up for a lack of talent,
[03:08] (Flashback) Jii
nothing can be done about Penis size!
[03:11] (Flashback) Jii
You want to ignore that tradition
and make a tiny man king?!
[03:14] (Flashback) Jii
Have some shame!
[03:16] (Flashback) Dan
H-He's not tiny! Even the prince
is average when erect...
[03:19] (Flashback) G
Dan, don't go there.
Don't bring up erections.
[03:21] (Flashback) Jii
If you bring that up, Prince Hata is
much bigger when he has a chub, too!
[03:25] (Flashback) G
Nes, don't go there. Don't bring up chubs.
[03:28] (Flashback) Dan
I'm saying that the tradition
is a blight on our race!
[03:31] (Flashback) Dan
Can one rule the country with one's Penis?
[03:33] (Flashback) Dan
Even if he has a small Penis, a talented
man will build a better country!
[03:37] (Flashback) Dan
Who cares about a Penis?
What is a Penis, anyway?!
[03:41] (Flashback) Jii
Are you insulting His Highness?
[03:43] (Flashback) Jii
He became king solely through
the size of his Penis!
[03:46] (Flashback) Jii
If you took his Penis away,
what would he have left?
[03:48] (Flashback) Jii
Just water, that's what!
[03:49] (Flashback) Dan
You're the one insulting him!
[03:51] (Flashback) Dan
His Highness has plenty of
virtues aside from his Penis.
[03:53] (Flashback) Jii
What are they? Enlighten us!
[03:54] (Flashback) Dan
U-Uh, you know, he has an
easier time hailing taxis!
[03:57] (Flashback) Jii
That's because he has a big Penis!
[03:59] (Flashback) Jii
His Highness has nothing but his Penis!
He has to stake it all on his Penis!
[04:02] (Flashback) Jii
Turn it around, and it means even a blockhead
can be competent if he has a big Penis.
[04:07] (Flashback) Jii
As long as he has a big Penis,
everything else will work itself out!
[04:09] (Flashback) Jii
Right, Your Highness?
[04:13] (Flashback) Jii
Your Highness!
[04:14] (Flashback) Jii
Hang in there, Peni— Your Highness!
[04:17] (Flashback) Dan
Call a doctor!
[04:20] (Flashback) Jii
Your Highness, please tell us before you go!
[04:23] (Flashback) Dan
Who will be the next king?
[04:24] (Flashback) Jii
The one with the big Penis?
[04:26] (Flashback) Dan
The one who has a smaller
Penis but is capable?
[04:28] (Flashback) Jii
Big Penis?
[04:29] (Flashback) Dan
Smaller Penis but capable?
[04:30] (Flashback) Bo
Your Highness!
[04:34] (Flashback) K
Th-The one... who has a big
Penis... and is capable...
[04:45] (Flashback) Bark
I suppose Father could
never forget about Brother.
[04:51] (Flashback) Bark
Our elder brother,
[04:53] (Flashback) Bark
First Prince of Planet Okoku, Dragonia.
[04:58] (Flashback) Bark
A hero who was hailed as
the Nine-Dragon Prince.
[05:01] (Flashback) Bark
At the young age of five, his Penis
was as long as a dragon's whisker,
SIGN 5 years old
[05:05] (Flashback) Bark
and his talents threatened to pierce
the heavens, like a dragon's horns.
[05:11] (Flashback) Bark
They said that the country was
sure to prosper if he became king.
[05:18] (Flashback) Bark
But the massive size of his
Penis led to tragedy,
[05:21] (Flashback) Bark
and he left us all behind.
[05:24] (Flashback) Bark
That's what you call a king.
[05:27] (Flashback) Hata
Th-That's not true, Brother!
[05:30] (Flashback) Hata
You're just as good! It's just, your Penis...
[05:35] (Flashback) Hata
Sorry.
[05:36] (Flashback) Bark
Don't say that, Hata.
[05:38] (Flashback) Bark
In these peaceful times, a kind man
like you is better suited to be king.
[05:44] (Flashback) Bark
But if I remain here, that
peace won't last long.
[05:49] (Flashback) Bark
Fighting will surely break
out over the throne.
[05:52] (Flashback) Bark
Become a kind king who loves
all living beings, Hata.
[06:01] (Flashback) Hata
Brother...
[06:06] Hata
Brother...
[06:09] Hata
Close shave! I died for a moment just now!
[06:13] Hata
What's this? What's going
on right now, again?
[06:15] G
Unhand the prince, you knave!
[06:18] Kat
Prince Half-Wit... I'd heard
that you love animals,
[06:22] Kat
but to think you'd build an ark
to keep Earth's species alive...
[06:27] Kat
I see you in a new light now.
[06:28] Kat
But there's something
you should keep in mind.
[06:31] Kat
Earth also has savage beasts
that you can't handle.
[06:35] Kat
Send word to your country at once!
[06:38] Kat
"The prince's life is in danger!
[06:40] Kat
Gather up all the troops in the
country and rush to his aid!
[06:45] Kat
The entire army of Planet Okoku must
make the prince's wish come true.
[06:49] Kat
We must rise up to protect Earth
and stop the Liberation Army!"
[06:54] Sak
Zura! You...
[06:56] Sak
In this desperate situation,
[06:57] Sak
are you trying to find Earth an ally?
[07:00] Hat
Are you out of your mind?!
[07:01] Hat
You want us to fight the
entire universe for you lot?!
[07:05] Kat
I'm not telling you to fight.
[07:07] Kat
The Liberation Army is
currently rooted to Earth.
[07:11] Kat
They think it has no allies
across the universe.
[07:14] Kat
What do you think will happen if
an allied army suddenly shows up?
SIGN Liberation Army
[07:19] Kat
All you need to do is draw
the enemy's attention.
SIGN Okoku Army
[07:22] Kat
After that, you're free to flee if you want.
SIGN Not Zura,
Katsura
[07:24] Kat
We'll take that opportunity to take over
the Liberation Army's HQ and stop the war.
[07:30] Kat
This way, you can protect
all of Earth's species.
[07:33] Hata
Screw you! Our own species
could die out from this!
[07:36] Hata
Besides, why should I care
about Earth's survival?
[07:39] Hata
I was just building a collection!
Who the hell brought this stray dog in?!
[07:43] Jii
Your orders were to take in species
from Earth at random, Prince.
[07:47] Hata
Can't you tell the difference
[07:48] Hata
between species that are better off dead
and ones that need protection, geezer?!
[07:51] Jii
Understood, Prince.
[07:54] Jii
Hey, get rid of the Joi Rebills
along with that white pig.
[07:57] Hata
Sorry about that. Protect the pig, okay?
[07:59] Hata
The pig can live, don't you think?
[08:02] Jii
Don't you get it?
[08:03] Jii
Right now, your life isn't in the hands
of the Joi Rebills or the Liberation Army,
[08:08] Jii
but this old man here!
[08:10] Jii
Where's your reply, pig?
[08:12] Hata
O-Oink!
[08:13] Jii
Hear that, men?
[08:15] Jii
To protect our country,
the prince is acting like a pig
[08:18] Jii
and telling you to shoot him and the enemy.
[08:21] Jii
Pull the trigger.
[08:22] Hata
Nothing's changed!
[08:24] Mad
That stray dog
[08:26] Mad
ain't the only one in here.
[08:30] Mad
Why not get rid of it along
with the baa-ing white goat?
[08:35] Hata
You!
[08:36] Kat
You sure took your time,
Chief of Immigration.
[08:39] Mad
Yeah. Sorry to keep you waiting.
[08:42] Mad
I had to get up from clinging to
the ground and drag myself here.
[08:46] Mad
Cut me some slack.
[08:47] Mad
A loser underdog has his own way of flying.
[08:52] Mad
I munched on dog food and did the
dog paddle to get all the way here.
[08:57] Mad
Now, shall we be on our way, Master?
[09:00] Kat
It's time for a walk.
[09:02] Jii
No! I don't want to die, but I don't want
to fight the Liberation Army, either!
[09:06] Hata
Serves you right! This is what
you get for getting carried away!
[09:08] Jii
It's all your fault for bringing this guy
in to get your revenge, Prince Hog!
[09:12] Hata
Hasegawa-san! Kill that geezer already!
[09:14] Jii
Hey, Joi Rebills! I'll work with
you, so kill that pig prince!
[09:17] Hata
Somebody shut that geezer up! Fire!
[09:20] Jii
Go ahead and fire! But make
sure to kill that pig after me!
[09:23] Hata
Fire, now!
[09:24] Jii
Open fire!
[09:32] Dan
I opened fire,
[09:34] Dan
just as you ordered.
[09:37] Hata
Dan, you!
[09:46] Kat
Gunfire?
[09:47] Kat
Zura, what's going on?!
[09:49] Kat
Zura!
[09:54] Dan
I have waited a long time for this.
[09:57] Dan
I've waited ever since you
people exiled Prince Barkas
[10:02] Dan
for this moment when I could wipe out
the morons with nothing but big Penises
[10:05] Dan
and establish a country of tiny ones.
[10:08] Dan
If we joined forces with Earth,
[10:11] Dan
not only would our country get wiped
out, but also our entire planet.
[10:15] Dan
At least be of use to the
country with your dying breath,
[10:18] Dan
by disappearing from this world
along with your incompetent Penises.
[10:21] Kat
Elizabeth... Hey, Elizabeth!
[10:24] Dan
But before you go, I have
something to ask you.
[10:29] Dan
Why did you stay a prince even
after you took over the country?
[10:33] Dan
Why'd you leave the throne empty
instead of becoming king?!
[10:41] Shi
But you do have a king.
[10:43] Shi
A capable man with a huge Penis,
[10:46] Shi
the Nine-Dragon Prince, Dragonia.
[10:49] Shi
Back then, you said this...
[10:54] (Flashback) Hata
Brother, he's right here.
[10:58] (Flashback) Hata
With his big Penis and vast
talents... He's right here.
[11:02] (Flashback) Hata
I have a big Penis,
[11:04] (Flashback) Hata
and you're overflowing with talent.
[11:07] (Flashback) Hata
If we work together, we can be Dragonia.
[11:11] (Flashback) Hata
So I'll remain a prince and wait.
[11:18] Shi
"Wait for the other half of me and Dragonia."
[11:24] Shi
Dan, stand down!
[11:26] Shi
Who do you think that man is?
[11:29] Shi
Who do you think we are?
[11:37] Shi
It's the return of the king.
SIGN Gintama
SIGN Silver Soul
[13:19] Shi
Leaving my kid brother alone,
[13:21] Shi
I left the country
[13:24] Shi
so that the peaceful country would
have a kind king befitting it,
[13:32] Shi
believing that there'd be a country
out there that suited me more.
[13:50] (Flashback) En
Oh? I didn't know our lukewarm
neighbors had a fiery man like you.
[13:56] (Flashback) En
Who are you?
[14:00] (Flashback) Shi
On a battlefield, both princes and laymen
fall to the ground equally as corpses.
[14:08] (Flashback) Shi
Isn't that right, Prince Ensho?
[14:11] Shi
I cast aside my name,
my status, and my Penis,
[14:14] Shi
and kept fighting in search
of a country of my own.
[14:18] Shi
But the place at the end of my journey
[14:22] Shi
was here after all.
[14:25] Shi
My little brother, Hata.
[14:28] Shi
Seeing you still waiting for me
to return made me realize
[14:32] Shi
that I was merely running away.
[14:36] Shi
The battlefield I belonged on was
in front of my eyes all along.
[14:42] Shi
Hata, forgive me. I made you fight
all by yourself for so long.
[14:48] Shi
But I will not run away anymore.
[14:52] Shi
Even if standing beside my kid brother
with a big Penis covers me in disgrace,
[14:58] Shi
even if the responsibility of being a
great prince's kid brother crushes me,
[15:04] Shi
I will fight alongside you!
[15:07] Shi
Exposing this tiny Penis for all to see!
[15:12] Shi
Men, we are the great Okoku Kingdom's king,
[15:16] Shi
Dragonia!
[15:20] Jii
P-Prince?
[15:22] Dan
No way... He was alive?
[15:25] Shi
Dan, you people once tried to make me king.
[15:30] Shi
Could you lower your guns
out of respect for me?
[15:36] Shi
This is no time to be
fighting over Penis sizes.
[15:40] Shi
Both tiny and big must join
Penises and fight together.
[15:44] Shi
To that end, the big Hata and
the tiny me will become king!
[15:49] Shi
Let's work together and take
down the Liberation—
[15:52] Dan
Don't be fooled!
[15:53] Dan
He died a long time ago!
[15:55] Dan
Exorcise the specter that threatens
to lead our tiny Penis faction astray!
[15:58] Shi
You can't believe, Dan?
[16:00] Shi
Then come see me! I'll show you my
Penis that's just as tiny as yours!
[16:05] Dan
Wh-What are you doing? Hurry up and fire.
[16:07] G
B-But Minister, that huge Penis is definitely...
[16:12] Shi
Huge penis?
[16:13] Shi
Huh? Who are you talking about?
[16:22] Kat
E-Elizabeth...
[16:24] G
The hell is that?
[16:25] G
Something outrageous came out of
Elizabeth-san after he got knocked out!
[16:29] Jii
Prince, you might not remember
because you were so young,
[16:34] Jii
but I have never once forgotten the sight.
[16:39] Jii
That giant Penis that looks
like a dragon's whisker
[16:42] Jii
definitely belongs to the eldest of
the three princes of Planet Okoku,
[16:46] Jii
the one who was considered
to have died in an accident,
[16:49] Jii
the legendary Nine-Dragon Prince, Dragonia!
[16:56] ---
That's what you meant?!
[16:58] Shi
There was another prince there, too?
[17:00] Shi
Was nobody listening to me at all?
[17:03] Shi
Hey, Hata? Dan?
[17:04] Shi
Are you listening to me?
[17:05] Dan
Fire! Hurry up and fire!
SIGN Eight One Two Seven Nine Three Six Five Four
SIGN One
SIGN Two
SIGN Three
SIGN Four
SIGN Five
SIGN Six
SIGN Seven
SIGN Eight
SIGN Nine
SIGN One
SIGN Two
SIGN Three
SIGN Four
SIGN Five
SIGN Six
SIGN Seven
SIGN Eight
SIGN Nine
SIGN One
SIGN Two
SIGN Three
SIGN Four
SIGN Five
SIGN Six
SIGN Seven
SIGN Eight
SIGN Nine
SIGN Nine-Headed Dragon Thrash
SIGN Nine-Headed Dragon Thrash!
SIGN One
SIGN Two
SIGN Three
SIGN Four
SIGN Five
SIGN Six
SIGN Seven
SIGN Eight
SIGN Nine
[17:21] Jii
What power!
[17:23] Jii
A technique most worthy of Nine-Dragon,
said to possess nine Penis heads.
[17:27] Hata
Gramps, forget a worthy Nine-Dragon
technique, isn't that just a rip-off?
[17:30] Hata
Isn't it just Nine-Headed Dragon Trash?
[17:34] Jii
You're alive, Prince Dragonia?
[17:37] Hata
You're letting them out?
[17:38] Jii
You look different now, but I've never
forgotten how your Penis looked.
[17:42] Hata
Hey, Gramps! You call it a Penis,
but it might actually be one!
[17:45] Hata
It might be the one that
hangs from the crotch!
[17:48] Kat
Elizabeth, you...
[17:55] Penis
Katsura-san, I've always lived through
life not knowing anything about myself.
[17:59] Hata
Uh, Gramps? The Penis is talking!
[18:01] Penis
Who was I, and where was I born?
[18:04] Penis
I've lived my life never thinking
about that or questioning it.
[18:08] Hata
Hey, Gramps! Which one's Brother here?
[18:11] Hata
Which one's the actual body?
Is this what he was like?
[18:13] Penis
But when I hit my head hard just
now, I feel like I caught a glimpse.
[18:18] Penis
I think I once had an accident
so bad that I forgot who I was.
[18:26] Penis
And while I was on the brink of death...
SIGN From now on, you're one of us.
[18:50] Penis
I don't recall the details.
[18:53] Penis
But there is just one thing
I've clearly remembered.
[18:57] Penis
My name is Dragonia.
[18:59] Hata
Dragonia, my foot!
[19:01] Hata
What was that flashback?
[19:02] Hata
The one that showed up midway
looked more like you!
[19:05] Hata
Which one was you, and how did Brother
end up like this from that situation?
[19:09] Jii
I don't really understand all of it,
[19:12] Jii
but since his Penis is big,
does it really matter?
[19:14] Hata
Are you looking at nothing but
the Penis, you shitty geezer?
[19:17] Jii
Prince Dragonia!
[19:18] Jii
We have eagerly awaited your
return, the return of our king!
[19:22] G
Prince Hata! Are you all right?
[19:25] G
What happened here?
[19:28] G
Wait! That Penis...
[19:29] Hata
Hey, you guys try talking
some sense into him, too.
[19:32] Hata
Gramps is saying this monster
Penis is Prince Dragonia.
[19:36] G
Our King, please give us the order
to shoot that insolent pig to death.
[19:40] Hata
A big Penis is enough to get you to
switch sides? You guys are way too easy!
[19:44] Jii
Could you please return home
[19:46] Jii
and rebuild the country that
the stupid prince ruined?
[19:49] Hata
Who're you calling the stupid prince?
[19:51] Penis
Dragonia doesn't exist within me anymore.
SIGN That's just an empty name.
[19:57] Penis
I'm not Dragonia from Planet Okoku anymore.
SIGN I've become Elizabeth from Earth.
[20:02] Penis
So I have no right to be king.
[20:06] Penis
But even if I can't be king,
[20:08] Penis
I can fight with you and help
you take back your king.
[20:13] Penis
They may be lacking as kings by themselves,
[20:16] Penis
but together...
[20:17] Penis
No, if they have your support,
[20:20] Penis
I'm sure they'll be splendid kings.
[20:23] Penis
So would you please fight alongside us?
[20:30] Penis
Earth is all alone in the universe,
and I want you to be its friend!
SIGN Silver Soul Arc
SIGN Men Must Live Not Long
Nor Thick, but Hard
[20:50] G
The path! The enemy's interference
has split up our force!
[20:57] G
The squad in the rear is
being ambushed by the enemy.
[21:00] G
Shall we go back to help?
[21:03] Dak
No need.
[21:05] Dak
It's mere child's play that must be ignored.
[21:07] Dak
Desperate schemes can't overturn
the difference in numbers.
[21:11] Dak
Let's go!
[21:19] Dak
Oh? I thought it was just
a ploy to slow us down,
[21:25] Dak
but they're seriously out to stop us, huh?
[21:31] Cat
Looks like it's started.
[21:33] Oto
Are they dividing the enemy
SIGN Kabuki District
SIGN Divide
SIGN Oniwaban
SIGN Oniwaban
SIGN Shinsengumi
[21:35] Oto
and trying to weaken them
before they get here, perhaps?
SIGN Kabuki District First
[21:40] Oto
It's time.
[21:42] Oto
I hope you're all ready.
[21:47] G
Detected enemy approach!
[21:51] All
Let's go!
[21:55] Oto
Open combat!
[22:05] Shin
Gin-san?!
SIGN To Be Continued
SIGN Preview
[23:39] Shin
Wait! Time out!
[23:41] Shin
We're on your side! We're Odd Jobs!
[23:44] Sai
I hope you're prepared to
have your balls plucked out!
SIGN Silver Soul Arc
SIGN Ogres Are Weak Against Tiny Heroes
Like the Inch-High Samurai
SIGN The Liberation Army reaches the Kabuki District,
SIGN and the residents must all fight together.
SIGN The back-and-forth battle at the Kabuki District begins!
SIGN And you may have been suddenly taken out, but stand up and fight, Gintoki!
[24:05] ---
Thank you all for coming.