E287 - I'm the Mayo Guy, and He's the Sweet Tooth Source: Crunchyroll Translator: Editor: Timer: QC: (Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.) [00:03] Kag     You curly bastard. [00:05] Kag     What do you mean, you lost     all our money at the races? [00:08] Gin     Y-You've got it all wrong! [00:10] Gin     I didn't expect Justaway to show up there— [00:12] Kag     What about our pay?! [00:12] Shin     What about our pay?! [00:15] Kag     Hold it! [00:16] Shin     Freeze! [00:21] Hij     You're chilling out with a cup of tea     and watching L4YOU during a stakeout? [00:25] Hij     Just what part of your body     are you trying to keep awake? [00:28] Ymz     Y-You've got it all wrong, Vice Chief! [00:30] Ymz     Today's report is seriously amazing! [00:32] Ymz     They're featuring four foods that     can change your intestinal health— [00:35] Hij     Atone for your lack of discipline     by committing suicide! [00:39] Hij     Hold it right there! [00:43] Shin     Quit running! [00:54] Hij     Damn, where'd he go?! [01:01] Gin     Move it! You're in my way! [01:03] Hij     You move it! I'm on duty here! [01:05] Hij     Want me to cut you down?! [01:05] Gin     Just move already! SIGN    Lake Toya SIGN    Oedo Hospital [02:56] D1     I don't see anything... [02:58] D2     ...wrong with you. [03:00] D1     We performed a full-body checkup, SIGN    Oedo Hospital's Request: Please watch this program     in a bright room and at a safe distance from your TV. [03:04] D1     but there was nothing out of the ordinary. [03:06] D1     It's a miracle. [03:08] D2     However, you may have hit your head,     causing temporary memory loss... [03:15] D1     ...so let me check, just in case. [03:17] D1     Please state your... [03:17] D2     ...name and occupation, please. [03:21] Hij     Sakata Gintoki. I run an Odd Jobs business. [03:26] Gin     Hijikata Toshiro. Vice     chief of the Shinsengumi. [03:33] D1     Oh, right. [03:35] D1     Looks like we mixed up your file with     the other patient in the same accident. [03:39] D2     I'm extremely sorry. [03:40] D2     It was a mistake on our end. [03:42] D2     Yeah, you seem to be perfectly fine. [03:47] D1     Well, let's see how things go. [03:49] D2     Take care. [03:55] Gin     What a waste of time. Curse that moron. [03:59] Hij     Man, my head is killing me. [04:02] Hij     Am I really gonna be okay? SIGN    Set Meals [04:08] W     Welcome! [04:10] Hij     The usual, lady. [04:12] W     Sure thing. [04:14] W     One Hijikata Special! [04:20] Hij     Hey, lady. [04:21] Hij     Who ordered this dog food? [04:24] W     Huh? But you said the usual... [04:26] Hij     By "usual," I obviously meant     the Uji Gintoki bowl! [04:29] Hij     You know, with a big helping of     sweet azuki beans on steamed rice. [04:33] Gin     By any chance... [04:35] Gin     Do you mean this cat food here? [04:37] Hij     That's right. [04:39] Hij     Is this dog food yours, by any chance? [04:42] Hij     Come on, lady. Gimme a break. [04:45] W     Oh, I'm so sorry. [04:47] W     I see it's the other way around today, [04:49] W     Hijikata-san, [04:50] W     Gin-san. [04:51] W     You switched your orders, huh? SIGN    Set Meals [05:00] Bo     We switched?!     We switched?! SIGN    I'm the Mayo Guy,     and He's the Sweet Tooth [05:16] Gin     Hey. [05:17] Gin     Give me my cigarettes, for starters. [05:19] Gin     They're in the chest pocket. [05:21] Hij     You really think the protagonist of an anime [05:24] Hij     that airs in the evening is allowed to smoke? [05:26] Hij     Have some self-awareness, dumbass. [05:29] Hij     That aside, hand over my Ahollo chocolate. [05:30] Hij     My sugar's running low. [05:32] Hij     It's in the breast pocket. [05:34] Gin     If the Shinsengumi vice chief     were to eat junk like that, [05:37] Gin     he'd have to commit suicide     for lack of discipline. [05:39] Gin     So watch it, scumbag. [05:44] Bo     Also...     Also... [05:45] Hij     Gimme back my body!     Gimme back my body! SIGN    Sakata Gintoki inside SIGN    Hijikata Toshiro inside [05:49] Hij     Should a cop really be trespassing     in people's bodies?! [05:53] Gin     You're the one who snuck into my body! [05:56] Gin     I caught you red-handed! [05:57] Hij     Let's see you try and arrest me!     You're nothing but a bum right now! [06:01] Hij     You're a powerless piece of     human waste! Serves you right! [06:04] Gin     You're the human waste, you damn thief! [06:06] Gin     Cops are just a bunch of incompetents who     do nothing but gobble up taxpayer money! [06:10] Gin     You can't do shit right now! [06:17] Hij     Let's stop this. [06:19] Hij     I feel like all my punches     are coming back to bite me. [06:24] Gin     Yeah... [06:32] Gin     I had a dream. [06:35] Gin     Back then, [06:37] Gin     after we were hit by the truck,     I saw our bodies laid out below. [06:44] Hij     Wait, are you saying... [06:47] Gin     I had a bad feeling. [06:49] Gin     Something told me that if I didn't     get back in my body immediately, [06:54] Gin     I'd never be able to get back. [06:57] Gin     That's when I noticed this weird fur ball     come flying towards me from behind. [07:03] Hij     Wait, was that me? [07:04] Hij     Why did I have fur?! [07:05] Gin     I hit that fur ball [07:08] Gin     and went in the wrong direction, [07:10] Gin     into your body. [07:13] Gin     The collision split the fur ball in two. [07:17] Gin     One half got sucked into my body, [07:20] Gin     and the other into the     asshole of a cat's corpse. [07:24] Hij     What's that supposed to mean?! [07:26] Hij     Is the fur ball okay?! [07:29] Gin     Long story short, [07:31] Gin     while our bodies miraculously     survived being hit by a dump truck, [07:35] Gin     our egos popped out and switched bodies. [07:41] Gin     Or, well, that's the dream I had. [07:44] Hij     Oh, a dream, huh? [07:47] Hij     Then if we wake up, this     nightmare will end, right? [07:50] Gin     Wait! [07:51] Hij     Shut it! [07:51] Hij     The only way to get back to our own bodies [07:53] Hij     is to have another near-death experience and [07:55] Hij     cough up our egos on the asphalt again! [07:56] Gin     Are you stupid?! [07:57] Gin     If you drop me from this high up, you'll     no longer have a home to go back to! [08:02] Gin     Guess I'll have to turn your home     into a mince cutlet place, then. [08:05] Gin     Calm down! [08:06] Gin     Can you guarantee our egos will come out if     we have another near-death experience?! [08:09] Gin     You might die for real this time, you know! [08:12] Gin     Until we find a surefire method to go     back to normal, don't do anything stupid! [08:16] Hij     Does a surefire method even exist? [08:20] Gin     Beats me. [08:21] Gin     But nobody will believe such     a ridiculous story, either. [08:25] Gin     We'll have to look for it ourselves. [08:27] Hij     You've gotta be kidding me! [08:28] Hij     What am I supposed to do in this     nicotine-addled body until then? [08:32] Gin     Live with it. We don't have a choice. [08:36] Gin     I'll live as Sakata Gintoki of Odd Jobs, [08:40] Gin     and you live as the Shinsengumi     vice chief, Hijikata Toshiro. [08:45] Hij     Screw you! How— [08:47] Bo     Found you.     Found you. [08:52] Kag     Just how far do you plan on running?! [08:54] Kag     You'll pay us our wages     today, once and for all! [08:57] Gin     H-Hang on! [08:58] Gin     What do you mean, wages? [09:00] Gin     Hey! What are they talking about?! [09:03] Hij     Good grief. You're not paying them on time? [09:05] Hij     Are there no depths to which you won't stoop? [09:09] Hij     While you're at it, brats, wring his     overdue rent out of him, as well. [09:13] Hij     Any shady businesses that make their     employees suffer will have me, [09:16] Hij     Shinsengumi vice chief Hijikata     Toshiro, to answer to. [09:19] Gin     What are you suddenly acting     like Hijikata-san for?! [09:22] Gin     You're the shady businessman here! [09:24] Gin     Time out! Your quack boss is over there! [09:30] Hij     Talk about a close shave! [09:32] Hij     I never thought I'd be saved by this body! [09:35] Hij     Like he said, [09:37] Hij     maybe we should stay this way for a while— [09:48] Oki     Sorry about that, Hijikata-san. [09:51] Oki     I saw you sneaking into this building, [09:55] Oki     so I charged in, thinking that     maybe you'd found some Joi Rebels. [10:00] Oki     I'm sorry, really. [10:02] Oki     But usually, you would've evaded that. [10:06] Oki     Not on your game today, huh? [10:10] Hij     Th-That's right! [10:15] Hij     Whether I'm there or here, [10:17] Hij     it's all the same! SIGN    Special Police     Shinsengumi [10:35] G     Hijikata-san's still not here. [10:37] G     He's already twenty minutes late. [10:39] G     Isn't this bad? [10:41] G     The Shinsengumi Code says, [10:42] G     "No matter what the reason, anybody     who's late to the morning assembly [10:45] G     must commit suicide due to lack of discipline." [10:47] G     That rule was created by none     other than the vice chief himself. [10:53] Kon     Hey, Tetsu. [10:55] Kon     Go check on Toshi. [10:56] Tet     R-Right away! [10:59] Shin     Good morning! [11:03] Shin     As if those guys would ever be up this early. [11:09] Tet     This is bad, Vice Chief! [11:10] Tet     The morning assembly's already— [11:12] Shin     Gin-san, are you up— [11:19] Hij     You bastard... [11:21] Gin     What time do you think it is? [11:24] Hij     It's only 8:30. It's still sleepy time, damn it! [11:28] Gin     It's already 8:35:54. [11:31] Gin     The battle's already started, damn it! [11:34] Gin     Disembowel yourself. [11:35] Gin     Atone for your lack of discipline     by committing suicide! [11:39] Hij     Dismissed. [11:40] Hij     Time to go back to sleep. [11:55] Hij     I was hoping everything would be     back to normal when I woke up, [11:58] Hij     but of course that didn't happen. [12:01] Gin     This is the worst. [12:02] Gin     Why do I have to look at this vulgar     face first thing in the morning? [12:06] Hij     What's with this hairdo? [12:08] Hij     I keep trying to set it, but the bangs     keep reverting to being V-shaped. [12:11] Hij     How annoying. This guy's definitely     gonna be a V-shaped baldy. [12:15] Gin     This face is too slack. [12:17] Gin     Damn! [12:18] Gin     When I relax the muscles, the gap     between my eye and brow grows. [12:22] Gin     His weak spirit has seeped all     the way to the roots of his hair. [12:27] Gin     He'll have to be washed anew,     all the way to the pores of his skin. [12:33] Hij     Forget it. This is a pain. [12:38] Hij     I'm just gonna do things my way. [12:45] Kon     Hey, Sogo. [12:46] Kon     Think he ate something bad? [12:49] Oki     Well, he's been eating something     bad for his brain cells every day. [12:53] Kon     I can't believe he'd break     the Shinsengumi Code. [12:56] Kon     He managed to fool the men, but     something's definitely off about him. [13:00] Oki     He probably just overslept. [13:02] Kon     Still, has he always had     such a slack-looking face? [13:07] Ymz     Oh, Vice Chief! [13:10] Ymz     Good morning! [13:11] All     Good morning! [13:13] Hij     Ow, my ears. Quit being so     loud early in the morning. [13:17] Hij     What are you guys, voice-acting students     at the Sasaki Animation Academy? [13:19] Ymz     Squads five through seven are ready! [13:23] Hij     Ready for what? Radio calisthenics? [13:25] Hij     Sorry, but I don't have a stamp. [13:27] Ymz     No, not that. [13:30] Ymz     Ready to sortie. [13:31] Ymz     We're on patrol duty today, [13:34] Ymz     so please give us the usual, Hijikata-san. [13:36] Hij     What do you mean, the usual? [13:38] Hij     Today's Hijikata-san is a     bit different than usual. [13:41] Hij     Spell it out. [13:42] Ymz     I mean, recite the Shinsengumi Code     to keep the men on their toes. [13:46] Hij     Oh, right. [13:48] Hij     You louts! [13:49] Hij     You haven't forgotten the     Shinsengumi's ironclad rules, right? [13:53] Hij     Article 1 of the code! [13:55] Hij     Er, huh? [13:59] Hij     "Anybody who criticizes someone who's     forgotten the Shinsengumi Code must [14:02] Hij     commit suicide due to lack of discipline!" [14:03] Kon     You're the one who forgot it! [14:06] Ymz     Excuse me, Vice Chief... [14:07] Ymz     I'm not sure Article 1 goes like that. [14:10] Hij     Okay, you commit suicide. [14:11] Ymz     W-Wait a second, Vice Chief!     I've never even heard of such a code! [14:15] Hij     Oh, sorry. It was Article 434. [14:18] Ymz     We don't have 434 articles in our code! [14:20] Hij     Article 1: "Anybody who says     we don't have 434 articles [14:23] Hij     must commit suicide." [14:24] Ymz     Why are you touching on     Article 434 in the very first one?! [14:28] Hij     Shut up. The Shinsengumi     Code changed yesterday. [14:31] Ymz     First I've heard of that. [14:33] Ymz     What's that all about? [14:34] Hij     Shinsengumi Code, Article 2: [14:36] Hij     "Anybody who sweats the small     stuff must commit suicide!" [14:40] Kon     He shut them up! [14:41] Kon     He shot them down with a contrived move! [14:45] Hij     How long will this [14:46] Hij     Hijikata-san of yours have to hold     your hands until you're satisfied? [14:50] Hij     The Shinsengumi Code?     How am I supposed to kno— [14:53] Hij     I shouldn't have to recite it.     It should be ingrained in your bodies. [14:56] Hij     The ironclad rules to keep     you acting like proper samurai? [14:59] Hij     If you've got the time to     ask others for such crap, [15:01] Hij     look within your hearts. [15:04] Hij     Why don't you guys find     your own code and follow that? [15:08] Hij     Quit bothering Hijikata-san     for every little thing. [15:11] Ymz     Vice Chief... [15:12] Ymz     Y-You mean you're abolishing     the Shinsengumi Code? [15:16] Hij     Take it as you will. [15:18] Hij     For the time being, I'm going to     follow my own Shinsengumi Code, [15:23] Hij     and go back to sleep a third time. [15:25] Kon     W-Wait, Toshi! SIGN    Odd Jobs Gin-chan SIGN    Odd Jobs Code 1: Anybody who's late must commit suicide. 2: Anybody who doesn't pay rent on time must commit suicide. 3: Anybody who doesn't pay salaries on time must commit suicide. [15:32] Shin     Uh, Gin-san... [15:34] Shin     What is this, exactly? [15:38] Gin     The Odd Jobs Code. [15:40] Gin     Ironclad rules to whip     you slackers into shape. [15:43] Gin     The next time you violate them, you'll     have to commit suicide on the spot. SIGN    4: Anybody who hogs payment money and gambles with it must commit suicide. 5: Actually, anybody with naturally curly hair must commit suicide. 6: Anybody who has stinky feet must commit suicide. [15:47] Kag     But this is pretty much     all about you, Gin-chan. [15:49] Gin     Who are you calling Gin-chan?     That's President to you. [15:53] Gin     The person I was until yesterday [15:54] Gin     got sucked into a cat's asshole and died. [15:57] Gin     Don't think you can lead a depraved     lifestyle anymore, you brats. [16:01] Kag     Uh, you were the most depraved one here. [16:04] Gin     Anyway, as much as I hate to do this, SIGN    Salary Salary [16:06] Gin     I'll give you these. [16:08] Gin     It's your overdue pay. [16:13] Gin     If you perform well, [16:14] Gin     I'll even give you a bonus. [16:17] Gin     Also... SIGN    Rent [16:18] Gin     Where do I pay rent? [16:21] Kag     You monster! [16:25] Kag     Where'd you get this money?! [16:27] Kag     The bank? The convenience store? [16:28] Kag     The human trust?! [16:29] Kag     I don't remember raising you to be     a monster that pays salaries! [16:34] Shin     We've got trouble, Otose-san! [16:35] Shin     Gin-san... [16:36] Shin     Gin-san says he wants to     pay our salaries and rent! [16:38] Oto     Say what?! [16:43] Oto     Hurry up and inform everyone in town! [16:45] Oto     A meteorite's going to fall on us! [16:47] Gin     I seriously want out of this body right now! [16:50] Gin     See? It's definitely my passbook. [16:53] Gin     Open your eyes wide and take a good look. [16:55] Kag     Very well! [16:56] Shin     Your wish is our command, President. [16:58] Gin     Talk about a sudden change! [17:00] Gin     The next time you doubt me,     you guys will have to commit suicide! [17:02] Bo     Yes, sir! [17:03] Gin     Listen up. If we want to     make business flourish, [17:05] Gin     our organization has to stop     being disjointed and act as one. [17:08] Gin     And that is why we have the Odd Jobs Code. [17:11] Gin     Individuals need the resolve to harshly     discipline themselves for the group's sake. [17:14] Gin     Then, and only then, will     an organization be united [17:17] Gin     and become capable of displaying     its full capabilities. [17:20] Gin     To that end, we'll first... [17:29] Gin     How are things going over there? [17:32] Hij     Not making any progress at all. [17:34] Hij     I'm making my men ask around all over town, [17:37] Hij     but nobody's ever heard of     egos switching bodies before. SIGN    Shinsengumi [17:45] Kon     What are you doing, Toshi?! [17:46] Kon     Let's go have a bloodbath     with the Joi Rebels already! [17:49] Hij     Oh, Gorilla. [17:51] Hij     I'll be right there. [17:52] Hij     And how are things on your end? [17:54] Gin     I made my men look into it as well, [17:56] Gin     but ended up with similar results. [18:00] Shin     What do you fiends think     you're doing in public? [18:03] Shin     As the captain of Odd Jobs Squad Two, [18:05] Shin     I, Shimura Shinpachi, shall     adhere to the Odd Jobs Code SIGN    Slay [18:09] Shin     and slay evil immediately. SIGN    Evil SIGN    Immediately [18:12] Gin     Hold up, four-eyes. Let them go. [18:15] Gin     They're not bad guys. [18:18] Hij     I see. [18:19] Hij     Neither of us made any progress, huh? [18:23] Bo     Like hell! [18:25] Gin     What is that? Some kind of band of bandits?! [18:27] Gin     They don't look like the long     arm of the law at all! [18:29] Gin     More like the crooks that get caught by it! [18:31] Hij     And what are you doing,     bringing ripoffs into my house?! [18:34] Hij     What does he mean, "slay evil immediately"? [18:36] Hij     Stop him now! Stop him     before he uses the Gatotsu! [18:39] Gin     Are you stupid?! [18:39] Gin     I instilled some order in your     unruly mob! Be grateful! [18:43] Hij     You should be grateful to     the vice chief who gave your [18:45] Hij     organization its freedom back! [18:46] Oki     That's enough. [18:49] Oki     Lay one finger on Toshi-san,     and I'll make you pay, boss. [18:52] Gin     Why the hell are you on his side?! [18:54] Kag     Right back at you. [18:57] Kag     If your sword moves even a little, [19:00] Kag     I'll slay Toshi immediately. [19:01] Hij     Hey! Don't use the Gatotsu! [19:04] Hij     Don't use the Zero Stance! [19:05] Oki     Interesting. [19:06] Oki     Why don't we see which is faster,     your Gatotsu Ogino Stance, [19:09] Oki     or my Nine-Headed Dragon Trash? [19:11] Kag     I couldn't ask for more. [19:12] Hij     Nobody asked for this!     You're just asking for a beating! [19:15] Gin     Wait! Wait! Stop! SIGN    Eight One Two     Seven Nine Three     Six Five Four [19:17] Hij     Calm down! SIGN    Slay SIGN    Evil SIGN    Immediately [19:28] T     ...sama. [19:29] T     ...oki-sama. [19:31] T     Hang in there, Gintoki-sama. [19:36] Hij     Oh, it's you, Tama. [19:38] Hij     Feels like it's been ages since     anyone called me that... [19:41] ---     Hey... [19:42] Hij     Tama! How'd you know?! [19:45] T     Rest assured. [19:47] T     Your bodies can go back to normal. SIGN    Doll House [19:54] Gen     So this is Ginnoji, [19:56] Gen     and that's the demonic vice chief, huh? [19:59] Gen     Guess I was right to have Tama look for you     guys after I heard about the accident. [20:06] Gen     Listen well. [20:07] Gen     The truck that ran you over [20:11] Gen     was transporting a certain machine     that was developed in secret. [20:15] Gen     A terrifying machine that could affect     humanity and even universal causation! [20:22] Gin     Wh-What are you talking about? [20:24] Hij     Just what happened to us? [20:26] Gen     This is just a guess, [20:28] Gen     but the machine must have     malfunctioned due to the impact, [20:32] Gen     resulting in the tragedy that befell you two. [20:35] Gen     That's right. SIGN    Fully Automatic Egg-on-Rice Maker [20:39] Gen     It was caused by this Fully Automatic     Egg-on-Rice Maker! [20:42] Hij     It's nothing but junk! [20:44] Hij     What the hell is a Fully Automatic     Egg-on-Rice Maker?! [20:48] Gen     Those with a discerning eye can tell. [20:49] Gen     It's the pinnacle of science, the result of     my years of research, realized at last! [20:54] Hij     Wait, you built it?! [20:56] Gen     If you put an egg in this     transfer device here, [20:59] Gen     it'll separate the yolk from     the white and extract it. [21:04] Gen     And if you put soy sauce in     the other transfer device, [21:07] Gen     it'll extract just the perfect amount. [21:11] Gen     And by warping those onto the     steamed rice in the center, [21:17] Gen     it can help anybody make the     perfect egg-on-rice easily! [21:21] Gen     It's the machine of dreams! [21:22] Hij     That wasn't easy at all! [21:23] Hij     Just how contrived a contraption     did you build to make egg-on-rice?! [21:27] Gin     What kind of malfunction would it take [21:28] Gin     for this egg-on-rice maker     to switch people's egos?! [21:32] Gen     That's elementary. [21:34] Gen     After the accident, the transfer devices     fell out of the truck and malfunctioned, [21:38] Gen     extracting your egos instead of yolks, [21:44] Gen     and instead of putting them on steamed rice, [21:46] Gen     put them in each other's smashed bodies. [21:49] Gen     It made, not egg-on-rice, SIGN    Egg-on-Rice SIGN    Ego-in-the-Wrong-Device [21:53] Gen     but ego-in-the-wrong-device. [21:58] Bo     That wasn't funny, you shitty geezer! SIGN    To Be Continued SIGN    Preview [23:35] Hij     All right, here's the next episode preview. [23:37] Gin     Hold it! You're me right now,     so shouldn't I be doing this instead? [23:40] Hij     I may be you right now,     but it's still me on the inside, [23:43] Hij     so it's fine if I do it, you damn curly. [23:44] Gin     You're the damn curly! SIGN    I'm a Failure as a Leader,     and He's Also a Failure as a Leader [23:46] Gin     Wait, I am? Huh? [23:46] Hij     Damn, the title went up already! [23:48] Hij     N-Next episode: "I'm a Failure as a Leader—" SIGN    Since their switched egos have made a mess of the preview, SIGN    we will handle it instead. SIGN    Next episode: "I'm a Failure as a Leader, SIGN    and He's Also a Failure as a Leader."