E282 - A Phoenix Rises from the Ashes Over and Over

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Hasegawa Taizo's request: Be sure to watch this program
    in a bright room and at a safe distance from your TV...
[01:35] G
    That was so much fun!
[01:37] G
    Tomorrow, let's invite Kagura-chan
    out and set off fireworks.
[01:40] G
    Sure.
[01:41] G
    Summer vacation really is a blast.
[01:43] G
    You can say that again.
[01:45] G
    I wish it would never end.
[01:50] H
    Are you sure about that?
[01:59] H
    Do you really want summer
    vacation to last forever?
[02:04] H
    If summer vacation were endless,
[02:06] H
    what would you want to do?
[02:09] H
    Keep vacationing forever?
[02:11] H
    Keep vacationing even as your
    classmates enter a new school term?
[02:15] H
    Keep vacationing even as they all graduate,
[02:17] H
    become independent, and start working?
[02:20] H
    Keep vacationing even as your
    parents make sarcastic remarks
SIGN    Do Not Disturb!
[02:24] H
    about how your friend So-And-So
    got promoted or married?
[02:27] H
    "Really, I wanted to get a job too,
[02:29] H
    and get married, and repay my parents
    for all they've done for me."
[02:31] H
    With such thoughts in your head,
SIGN    Mother of a Home Security Guard
[02:35] H
    would you stay in your room,
    left alone with nobody to call family,
[02:39] H
    and keep vacationing?
[02:41] H
    Of course you would.
[02:43] H
    You were the one who wished
    for an eternal summer vacation,
[02:46] H
    so you'd have to keep on vacationing,
[02:49] H
    with no vacations from your vacationing!
[02:52] H
    Do you get it now?
[02:54] H
    Vacations can only exist
    after work obligations,
[02:57] H
    the basis of the human lifestyle, are fulfilled!
[03:00] H
    You can't call a year-round
    vacation a vacation at all!
[03:04] H
    The same holds true for everything.
[03:06] H
    An endless vacation is the same as work.
[03:09] H
    It turns into an obligation,
    a source of pain.
[03:12] H
    You can only enjoy a vacation
    because it'll end someday.
[03:15] H
    You can only keep working
    because it'll end someday.
[03:19] H
    An endless summer vacation is no
    different from an eternal hell!
[03:26] H
    Thank your lucky stars!
[03:29] H
    Be thankful that your life has both
    obligations and vacations, both ups and downs!
[03:33] H
    Thankful that your summer vacation can
    still be called a summer vacation!
SIGN    A Phoenix Rises from the Ashes 
    Over and Over
[03:47] H
    In the midst of my endless summer vacation,
[03:50] H
    that was the only obligation I had left.
[03:54] B
    Summer vacation's the best!
[03:58] H
    What's so great about it?
[04:00] B
    It's him!
[04:04] H
    When kids gather at our home, the park,
[04:07] H
    and stay out playing too late,
    I warn them not to get too excited,
[04:10] H
    and send them on their way home.
[04:13] H
    Summer is a demon.
[04:15] H
    Conventional wisdom says summer is when
    youths start going down the wrong path.
[04:19] B
    Since it's summer vacation, what
    say we hit up the beach tomorrow?
[04:23] H
    Why does it have to be
    during summer vacation?
[04:27] G
    No! Don't leave me here alone!
[04:30] H
    As someone who's walked
    down the wrong path myself,
[04:32] H
    there are things that only I can say.
[04:34] H
    Using my life as an example,
[04:36] H
    I kept enlightening them to what
    life and summer vacation truly are.
[04:44] H
    But the number of kids gathering
    at the park didn't go down.
[04:48] H
    Far from it.
[04:51] B
    Hey, mister.
[04:54] B
    You're the guy who's going around
    telling scary stories, right?
[04:58] B
    I hear they're super scary.
[05:01] B
    Would you tell us one, too?
[05:08] H
    Before I knew it...
[05:10] H
    I'd become the scary-story teller.
[05:12] Shin
    How?!
SIGN    Odd Jobs Gin-chan
[05:14] Shin
    How did the guy keeping kids
    on the straight and narrow
[05:17] Shin
    become the friendly scary-story teller?!
[05:19] H
    I have no idea.
[05:20] H
    All I did was complain or tell
    them stories of my failures,
[05:23] H
    but it scared the living
    daylights out of those brats.
[05:26] H
    Now they come around to listen to
    my One Hundred Complaining Tales.
[05:31] Shin
    What happened to the guy telling
    them not to stay out too late?!
[05:34] H
    And it's turning out to be quite profitable.
[05:36] H
    Kids these days have a lot of money, huh?
[05:38] Shin
    What's wrong with you?! They're kids!
[05:40] Shin
    You're the one who's strayed farthest
    from the straight and narrow!
[05:43] H
    I can finally escape my
    eternal summer vacation now.
[05:47] H
    Or so I thought,
[05:48] H
    but I've run out of things to complain about.
[05:52] H
    I thought I'd collect some
    actual scary stories here
[05:54] H
    and get this business on the road.
[05:56] H
    Do you know of any?
[05:58] Gin
    Scary stories?
[06:00] Gin
    I hate those kinds of baseless
    fabrications most of all.
[06:04] H
    You can't handle them, right?
[06:05] H
    So you should know better than
    anyone what's scary and what's not.
[06:08] Gin
    Th-They don't scare me at all.
[06:10] H
    Tell me one, then.
[06:12] H
    I'll split the profits with you, of course.
[06:14] Kag
    Really?
[06:15] Kag
    I'll tell you some stories I know, then.
[06:17] H
    I need stuff that sends chills down the spine!
[06:20] Kag
    Got it.
[06:23] Kag
    In a land far, far away,
[06:26] Kag
    there were five boys protecting a goddess.
[06:29] Kag
    But one day,
[06:36] Kag
    the goddess's chest was pierced
    by an enemy's arrow,
[06:39] Kag
    and the boys had to charge
    into the enemy's base
[06:42] Kag
    in order to save her life.
[06:50] Kag
    And so, the boys had to climb
[06:52] Kag
    this long-ass staircase leading
    to the Houses of Zodiac
[06:55] Kag
    for what seemed like an eternity,
[06:56] Kag
    ruining their summer vacation.
[06:58] H
    That's a stair-y story,
    not a scary one!
SIGN    Stair-y Story
[06:59] H
    And isn't that Saint Seiya?!
[07:03] Kag
    Pitter patter, pitter patter...
[07:08] Kag
    No matter how much they climbed,
    there were no Houses in sight.
[07:12] Kag
    "Huh? That's weird. How much
    farther to the Houses?
[07:15] Kag
    Are they in Another Dimension?"
[07:18] Kag
    Pitter patter...
[07:20] Kag
    But they still couldn't see the Houses.
[07:22] H
    Try and sound like Inagawa Junji all
    you want, it's still Saint Seiya!
[07:25] H
    I want to hear scary stories!
[07:28] H
    You know, the ones with shocking
    twists like "it's you" at the end!
[07:32] H
    Get a clue, would you?!
[07:34] Kag
    It's... you!
[07:37] H
    I didn't mean as a comic retort!
[07:38] Kag
    Oh, okay.
SIGN    Sugar Content
[07:39] Kag
    You want "it's you," right?
[07:41] Kag
    You should've said so.
[07:42] H
    I've been saying it all along.
[07:45] Kag
    In a land far, far away,
[07:47] Kag
    there were a pair of siblings who
    were abandoned by their parents.
[07:51] Kag
    They lived in poverty, but they
    got by with each other's support.
[07:55] Kag
    But one time, the younger brother fell ill,
[07:59] Kag
    and with no money and no family to turn to,
[08:02] Kag
    the older brother left him
    at a shrine and ran away.
[08:08] Kag
    Even though he'd convinced himself
    that somebody would save his brother,
[08:13] Kag
    the older brother was so scared,
    he never went back to the shrine.
[08:20] Kag
    Five years later,
[08:21] Kag
    once he'd found a job and was
    leading a stable lifestyle,
[08:25] Kag
    he made up his mind to return to the shrine.
[08:32] Kag
    Of course, he didn't see his
    brother on the shrine grounds.
[08:38] Kag
    Instead, he found a child
    sobbing in front of the shrine.
[08:43] Kag
    For some reason, the sight
    reminded him of his brother.
[08:47] Kag
    Unable to ignore the child,
    he approached him.
[08:52] Kag
    "Are you lost, kid?"
[08:55] Kag
    "Where'd your mother go?"
[08:57] Kag
    The boy didn't reply.
[09:00] Kag
    "What about your father, then?"
[09:02] Kag
    The boy didn't reply.
[09:10] Kag
    "What about your brother, then?"
[09:15] LB
    That
[09:17] LB
    is a question you should be asking yourself,
[09:19] LB
    brother!
[09:24] LB
    Got you!
[09:25] LB
    None can escape Andromeda's Web!
[09:28] LB
    You will die with me here, brother!
[09:35] BB
    Did you really think a puny web like
    this could clip a phoenix's wings?
[09:39] LB
    Brother?
[09:45] BB
    Who's going to die here?
[09:51] BB
    It's you!
[09:57] H
    What kind of "it's you" usage is that?!
[10:00] H
    Why'd it turn into Saint Seiya
    at the crucial moment?!
[10:02] Kag
    I'm pretty sure that's how
    the story I heard went.
[10:05] H
    That's not how you use "it's you"!
[10:08] H
    When the little brother turns around...
[10:10] LB
    It's you!
[10:12] H
    Got it?
[10:13] H
    Why does it end with the
    older one firing back at him?
[10:15] H
    What kinda scary story is that?
[10:16] Gin
    Scary...
[10:18] Gin
    Super scary!
[10:19] H
    What part of that story made you freak out?!
[10:21] Gin
    T-Toei Animation's gonna kill us!
[10:25] H
    Okay, yeah, that's scary.
[10:26] H
    Really scary.
[10:28] Shin
    Close, but no cigar.
[10:30] Shin
    Scary stories need to give people goosebumps.
[10:33] Kag
    Huh? You got a problem, four-eyes?!
[10:36] Kag
    Let's see you try, then!
[10:38] Shin
    Everyone might've heard this one already...
[10:41] H
    No problem. It's sure to be better
    than Kagura-chan's stories, at least.
[10:43] Kag
    Say what?!
[10:44] Kag
    This better be real scary, or I'm
    breaking your glasses and your shades!
[10:51] Shin
    That...
[10:55] Shin
    comes right after these ads.
[11:01] Shin
    In a land far, far away,
[11:03] Shin
    there was a husband and
    wife, and their daughter,
[11:05] Shin
    a family of three.
[11:09] Shin
    But the couple's relationship was on the rocks,
[11:12] Shin
    and perhaps due to that,
[11:13] Shin
    the husband started having an affair,
[11:16] Shin
    and before long, began considering
    his wife's mere presence a bother.
[11:24] Shin
    Perhaps what happened then
    was the work of fate.
[11:29] Shin
    In the midst of another fight,
[11:31] Shin
    the husband was overcome with rage
[11:38] Shin
    and murdered his wife.
[11:41] Shin
    Before their daughter woke up,
[11:44] Shin
    he carried his wife's body up the mountains,
    and buried it there in the dead of night.
[11:51] Shin
    On the way back,
[11:53] Shin
    despite his relief at being freed of his wife,
[11:57] Shin
    he felt his feet growing
    more and more sluggish.
[12:01] Shin
    The guilt of committing a
    murder played a part,
[12:04] Shin
    but most of all, his daughter
    weighed heavily on his mind.
[12:09] Shin
    What if she asked where her mother went?
[12:13] Shin
    How was he supposed to face her from then on?
[12:17] Shin
    The more he thought about it,
    the heavier his body felt.
[12:27] Shin
    Completely unaware of how he felt,
[12:30] Shin
    the daughter woke up that morning
[12:33] Shin
    with a smile on her face.
[12:36] Shin
    She did not ask about her mother,
[12:37] Shin
    but wore a beaming smile.
[12:40] Shin
    Rather than making the husband relieved,
[12:43] Shin
    that smile only made him uneasy.
[12:45] Shin
    When he asked her why she was
    in such a good mood, she said,
[12:49] Shin
    "Because even though you two
    were fighting all the time,
[12:53] Shin
    it looks like you've finally made up."
[12:56] Shin
    "Your mother's not here.
    She's visiting her family."
[12:59] Shin
    When her father inadvertently
    uttered that lie,
[13:01] Shin
    the daughter said in reply,
[13:03] Shin
    "What are you saying, Dad?
[13:05] Shin
    Mom's right there, clinging to your back."
[13:11] Shin
    That's right...
[13:12] Kag
    A Phoenix rises from the ashes over and over!
[13:15] H
    Where the hell did Phoenix come from?!
[13:18] Shin
    Kagura-chan! Could you not
    shoehorn Phoenix into my story?!
[13:21] Kag
    That was too cliched.
[13:22] Kag
    Scary stories are all about adding
    original elements to familiar stories.
[13:27] H
    Original, my foot!
[13:28] H
    That was totally a rip-off!
[13:30] H
    Don't go adding stupid things!
[13:31] H
    Cliched is fine!
[13:33] H
    You know, stuff where a ghost
    approaches someone and says
[13:36] H
    "right behind you" at the
    end is perfectly fine!
[13:43] G
    Curses! Where did he go?!
[13:48] Ph
    "Right behind you!"
[13:49] H
    Why is Phoenix sneaking
    around to the ghost's back?!
[13:52] H
    That's the ghost's job! The ghost is
    supposed to take the back!
[13:57] G
    So this is Phoenix's bag.
[13:59] H
    Why would she take his bag?!
[14:03] Ph
    That's just an illusion.
[14:04] Ph
    Looks like you fell for
    my Demonic Illusion Fist.
[14:06] H
    Enough with Phoenix already!
[14:09] H
    He's so OP, he ruins scary
    stories at Mach speed!
[14:11] H
    Hey, tell her off, Gin-san.
[14:15] Gin
    Before, it was To Love-Ru and
    Kuroko people coming after us,
[14:19] Gin
    and this time...
[14:21] Gin
    This is bad!
[14:21] Gin
    No amount of pastry boxes will be enough!
[14:24] H
    There was something scarier
    than scary stories!
SIGN    Sugar Content
[14:27] Gin
    All right, fine.
[14:28] Gin
    If I leave you guys to
    your devices any longer,
[14:30] Gin
    we'll only make more enemies.
[14:32] Gin
    I'd rather deal with a
    ghost than the Gold Saint.
[14:40] Gin
    Allow me to present to you
    a very special scary story.
[14:43] Gin
    You said you were fine with the
    "right behind you" types, right?
[14:48] Gin
    In a land far, far away
    lived a very wealthy lady.
[14:53] Gin
    One day, she got a new
    pegasus doll as a present,
[14:59] Gin
    so she threw away her
    unicorn doll named Jabu.
[15:02] H
    This reeks of Seiya already!
[15:04] H
    That's Lady Saori, isn't it?!
[15:08] Gin
    One day,
[15:10] Gin
    she was alone in her mansion
[15:13] Gin
    when the ringing of the telephone
    echoed through the hallways.
[15:19] Gin
    She picked up the receiver, only to
    hear a creepy voice from the other end.
[15:23] J
    Hello? It's me, Jabu.
[15:25] J
    Why'd you throw me away?
[15:26] J
    You'll pay for that.
[15:31] J
    I'm heading over right now.
[15:36] G
    At first, the lady thought
    it was just a prank call
[15:39] G
    and laughed it off.
[15:41] G
    However...
[15:49] J
    Hello? It's me, Jabu.
[15:50] J
    I'm at the intersection on Third now.
[15:52] J
    We'll see each other soon.
[15:55] S
    I-It can't be. It can't be Jabu.
[15:57] S
    How could a fodder character who
    was eliminated in volume three
[16:00] S
    of the manga come back now?
[16:02] S
    I don't believe it.
[16:03] H
    What are you even talking about?!
[16:05] G
    Paying no heed to the panicking
    lady, the phone kept ringing.
[16:11] J
    Hello? It's me, Jabu.
[16:13] J
    The signal just turned green.
[16:15] H
    Oh, I get it.
[16:16] H
    He's gonna gradually get closer before
[16:17] H
    saying he's right behind
    her at the end, right?
[16:22] J
    Hello? It's me, Jabu.
[16:24] J
    I just took a right at the intersection.
[16:29] J
    Hello? It's me, Jabu.
[16:30] J
    I'm at the intersection.
[16:31] H
    He's back at the intersection?
[16:35] J
    Hello? It's me, Jabu.
[16:36] J
    I just took a left at the intersection.
[16:39] H
    His reports are getting too detailed!
[16:40] H
    There's too much Jabu in this thing.
[16:43] J
    Hello? It's me, Jabu.
[16:44] J
    I just got back to the intersection.
[16:46] H
    What does he mean, he got back?
[16:47] H
    He's done nothing but wander around
    the intersection for a while now!
[16:50] J
    Hello? It's me, Jabu.
[16:52] J
    I'm in front of the police box.
[16:53] H
    He's lost, isn't he?
[16:55] H
    Jabu's totally lost, isn't he?
[16:57] H
    Is he gonna be all right?
[16:58] H
    He's gonna make it, right?
[17:02] J
    Hello? It's me, Jabu.
[17:03] J
    I just got to the airport.
[17:05] H
    He's coming by plane?!
[17:06] H
    Was he really thrown that far away?!
[17:08] H
    Just how long is this gonna take?!
[17:12] J
    Hello? It's me, Jabu.
[17:13] J
    My horn just triggered a body search.
[17:16] H
    Who cares?! Hurry it up!
[17:21] J
    Hello?
[17:22] J
    I apologize for calling at
    this late hour. It's me, Jabu.
[17:25] J
    Oh, not the unicorn. Just a horse.
[17:28] J
    I'm really sorry for calling so many times.
[17:31] H
    He got his horn broken off!
[17:33] H
    He's lost his edge and become much mellower!
[17:35] J
    Um, so about my promise to meet you...
[17:38] J
    I'm in Morocco for personal reasons,
    so I might not make it today.
[17:42] H
    Morocco?
[17:43] H
    He lost his horn in Morocco?
[17:46] J
    Actually, where in heaven's
    name are you, girl?
[17:48] J
    Couldn't you have told me you were 
    moving? Gosh, that's so cold of you!
[17:53] H
    What the hell?! Why is he
    talking all feminine now?!
[17:55] H
    Is that what "losing his
    horn" actually meant?
[17:57] J
    What? You're in Morocco, too?
[18:00] H
    Why is the lady helping Jabu out?!
[18:03] J
    She says to send her a selfie
    with where I'm at right now.
[18:04] J
    Hang on just a teensy-weensy
    sec! I'll send it over ASAP!
[18:06] H
    Are you two friends or something?!
SIGN    Open                                       Cancel
[18:17] S
    I'm...
[18:20] S
    right behind you!
[18:24] H
    That's where you use it?!
[18:25] H
    Instead of Jabu, the lady 
    says "right behind you"?
[18:29] Gin
    But it'd be scary if Jabu said it.
[18:31] H
    That's the point!
[18:33] Gin
    Jabu got to meet the lady,
[18:35] Gin
    and it turned into a
    heartwarming scary story.
[18:37] Gin
    All's well that ends well, right?
[18:39] H
    That wasn't heartwarming or scary at all!
[18:42] H
    Normally, Jabu would gradually draw closer
[18:45] H
    and get all the way to her room!
[18:53] H
    And then, the lady turns to
    the last resort and cuts off
[18:57] H
    the phone line.
[19:07] H
    Just when she thinks she's saved...
[19:12] J
    Milady. It's me, Jabu.
[19:14] J
    I'm...
[19:16] Ph
    It's you!
[19:19] H
    We don't need the "it's you"!
[19:20] H
    That was the punchline for
    the previous scary story!
[19:22] H
    This one's is "right behind you"!
[19:25] Ph
    Right behind you!
[19:27] H
    Not behind Phoenix!
[19:29] H
    Just how many Phoenixes are there?!
[19:31] Kag
    Like I told you,
[19:33] Kag
    a Phoenix rises from the ashes over and over.
[19:35] H
    Not that! Behind the lady...
[19:38] Shin
    ...Phoenix is clinging to your back.
[19:40] H
    What the hell?! Enough of that!
[19:43] Kag
    It's you!
[19:45] H
    I told you, we used that punchline already!
[19:47] Gin
    Right behind you!
[19:50] Shin
    Phoenix is clinging.
[19:53] Kag
    It's you!
[19:54] Gin
    Right behind you!
[19:55] Shin
    Phoenix is clinging.
[19:56] Kag
    It's you!
[19:58] Gin
    Right behind you!
[19:58] Shin
    Phoenix is clinging.
[19:59] Kag
    It's you!
[20:01] Gin
    Right behind you!
[20:02] Shin
    Phoenix is clinging.
[20:03] Kag
    It's you!
[20:04] Gin
    Right behind you!
[20:05] Shin
    Phoenix is clinging.
[20:06] Kag
    It's you!
[20:07] Gin
    Right behind you!
[20:07] H
    The scare in this case is a
    staircase filled with Phoenixes?!
[20:08] Shin
    Phoenix is clinging.
[20:10] H
    Enough! I'm done asking you guys for help!
[20:12] H
    I'd be better off making
    something up myself—
[20:33] Gin
    Hello?
[20:35] P
    Hello? Is this Sakata
    Gintoki-san's residence?
[20:39] P
    I'm calling from the Oedo Copyright Agency...
[20:44] H
    I'm at the intersection on Third right now.
[21:55] G
    Hello, you've reached Sunrise—
[21:56] G
    I mean, Bandai Namco Pictures.
[22:00] G
    Hello?
[22:01] G
    I'm calling from the Copyright Agency...
SIGN    Preview
[23:37] Shin
    O Lady Robokko, please hear us.
[23:39] Kag
    Will we be forgiven for our sins?
[23:43] Gin
    Huh?
[23:43] Gin
    Wait, after all this time...
[23:46] Gin
    It's the shogun?!
[23:48] Tam
    "Amen."
SIGN    Amen
SIGN    Man, that was terrifying!!!
SIGN    We nearly wet ourselves!!!
SIGN    Next episode, we repent for  all kinds of mistakes
SIGN    by opening a "Confessional Booth"!