E253 - Nobody with Natural Straight Hair Can Be That Bad
Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN Lake Toya
[00:05] Gin
Hey, I'm back.
[00:12] Gin
Didn't you hear that Gin-san's back?
[00:15] Gin
Don't you idiots know how
to welcome someone?!
[00:22] Gin
Man, they're so mean.
[00:25] Gin
Are they upset about the
six month vacation?
[00:29] Gin
Seriously, kids need way
too much attention.
[00:33] Gin
Hi!
[00:34] Gin
Long time no see,
Shin-chan, Kagura-chan!
[00:36] Gin
How's it going?
[00:37] Gin
Sorry I ran out on you for so long.
[00:40] Gin
I brought you some Shinsengumi
manju, so cheer up.
[00:47] Shin
Honestly, what were you doing?
[00:49] Shin
You're late.
[00:50] Kag
Get dressed.
[00:52] Kag
We have a visitor.
[00:53] ---
Oh, yeah, sorry.
[00:54] Shin
Hurry up!
[00:55] Shin
Kin-san!
[00:55] Kag
Kin-chan!
[00:57] Gin
Kin-san?
SIGN Be sure to watch Kintama in a well-lit room
and sit some distance from the TV!!
[00:59] Kin
Oh, sorry about that.
[01:02] Kin
I've got a splitting headache after
drinking too much last night.
[01:06] Kin
Sorry about the poor reception.
[01:10] Kin
I'm Odd Jobs Sakata Kintoki.
[01:15] Kin
Please have a seat,
[01:18] Kin
sir.
SIGN Nobody with Natural Straight
Hair Can Be That Bad
[02:56] Gin
Sorry, I'm in the wrong place.
[03:01] Gin
What the hell?
[03:03] Gin
I'm so drunk, I ended up in a different
anime and pulled a Breakfast Attack.
[03:07] Gin
Yeah, that was a shock.
[03:08] Gin
I didn't hear about this
show being on TV Tokyo.
[03:12] Gin
It looks like a ratings bomb
to me, so I'd be worried.
[03:15] Gin
The last time I saw a
first episode this bad,
[03:18] Gin
Gintama was switched to a different
time slot six months later.
[03:21] Gin
Maybe I should have
given them some advice.
[03:24] Gin
Like, to add a special
attack or something.
[03:27] Gin
And Kintama is such a crass title.
[03:30] Gin
Why not something flashy
like Kin no Exorcist?
[03:33] Gin
They'll need to give that boring
four-eyes a bunch of moles
[03:35] ---
and turn him into the
main character's little brother
[03:37] ---
if they want the manga
to sell a million copies.
[03:40] Gin
And if they're going with
a heroine that's a kid,
[03:40] [SONG] Song
Sada-Sada Haru-Haru
Gobbles everyone down
[03:41] Gin
they should make her small
enough to be a mascot,
[03:44] Gin
then make her dance with that dog.
[03:44] [SONG] Song
Tears everyone up
Tomorrow will be another bloody day
[03:50] Gin
The nail in the coffin would
be the main character.
[03:52] Gin
He's too polished.
[03:54] Gin
Nobody's gonna remember a
guy with straight hair.
[03:56] Gin
The main character needs wavy hair.
SIGN Odd Jobs Kin-chan
SIGN Snack Otose
[04:00] Gin
Anyway, their faces looked
awfully familiar,
[04:02] Gin
despite being a new show...
[04:04] Gin
Whatever.
[04:06] Gin
Time to go home.
[04:09] Gin
Where is home?
[04:11] Gin
Wait, it's not my hangover.
SIGN Odd Jobs Kin-chan
[04:13] Gin
The sign's changed, but
that's clearly my home!
[04:17] Gin
This isn't Ao no Exorcist
or Aka no Exorcist*.
[04:21] Gin
It's Dumb and Dumbercist!
[04:23] Gin
That was clearly Shinpachi and Kagura!
[04:26] Gin
The title changed from Gin to Kin.
SIGN Gintama
SIGN Kintama
[04:28] Gin
Gold is more valuable than silver,
[04:30] ---
but the title's gone down the gutter.
[04:32] Gin
But everything else about this show
[04:35] Gin
is clearly Gintama!
[04:38] Gin
So, so...
[04:39] Gin
Who is this guy, this man
with blond straight hair?
[04:41] Gin
Who is Sakata Kintoki?!
[04:44] Gin
I wasn't gone that long.
[04:48] Gin
What?
[04:48] Gin
How?
[04:49] Gin
Why?
[04:51] Shin
So who was that guy anyway?
[04:55] Kagura
He kind of reminded me of Kin-chan.
[04:58] Kin
Really? My head isn't that screwy.
[05:02] Shin
That's right.
[05:04] Shin
You were born with straight hair
and a straight personality.
[05:10] Shin
Why was the main character's throne
changed from silver to gold?!
[05:19] Shin
Oh, so you have a job for us?
[05:23] Shin
You just turned around
and left earlier.
[05:24] Shin
Is it something difficult
to talk about?
[05:27] Kag
Just let it all out!
[05:29] Kag
Odd Jobs is here to help people!
[05:33] Gin
Oh, really...
[05:36] Gin
Then I'll talk.
[05:40] Gin
The thing is, you see,
[05:43] ---
I left the house for a while, and when
I came back, something was wrong.
[05:48] Gin
The entire anime was wrong.
[05:50] Gin
I've lost my place.
[05:52] Shin
Ah, I see.
[05:54] Kag
Like returning from a business trip
[05:56] ---
to find your wife with another man?
[05:58] Gin
Yeah, yeah...
[05:59] Gin
A strange man was wearing my bathrobe,
[06:02] ---
digging through my fridge,
and eating my pudding.
[06:05] Kag
That would make me mad!
[06:07] Gin
Right? Don't you want to kill him?
[06:09] Gin
I'll °°°° the °°°°° °°°°
°°° °° °°°° °°°°°!
[06:13] Gin
I'm gone a few months and °°°
°°°°°° °° ° °°°° into my house!
[06:17] Gin
What the hell is his deal?!
[06:19] Shin
Anyway, there's some
paperwork to be done,
[06:21] ---
so please give us your name.
[06:22] Gin
Sakata Gintoki.
[06:24] Kag
Wow, even your name is like Kin-chan's.
[06:27] Kag
Are you long lost brothers?
[06:30] Gin
They've completely forgotten
about the main character?!
[06:33] Oto
Stop it, now.
[06:35] ---
He wouldn't want this
loser as a brother.
[06:39] Kin
Hey, that's cold, Gran.
[06:41] Gin
Gran, too!
[06:43] Cath
Absolutely, gold is
much better than silver.
[06:47] Kin
You're joining in, Catherine?
[06:49] Gin
And Catherine!
[06:50] Gin
It didn't take them long to
switch from silver to gold!
[06:56] Gin
What's going on?!
[06:57] Gin
Did they pawn off five years
of memories with Gin-san?!
[07:01] Gin
How did you erase all the
time spent with Gin-san?!
[07:05] Gin
And worst of all...
[07:07] Kin
Now, now. Have a drink,
Gin-san or whatever.
[07:10] Kin
We may not be related by blood,
[07:12] Kin
but men can form bonds by
having a drink together.
[07:15] Kin
If you're having problems, let me know,
[07:17] Kin
brother!
[07:18] Gin
...he's a much better main
character than Gin-san!
[07:22] Kag
Super, Kin-chan! That's
why I love you!
[07:24] Shin
Way to be a man, Kin-san!
[07:26] Gin
And he's much better
liked than Gin-san!
[07:27] Kin
Well, let's get going.
[07:29] Oto
Honestly, he's too nice.
[07:31] ---
Don't do anything stupid.
[07:32] Kin
Yeah, I'll leave this here to be safe.
[07:36] Kin
That'll cover this month's rent.
[07:37] Oto
Hold on. I don't charge
this much for rent.
[07:42] Kin
Please, you must be getting old.
[07:45] Kin
In that case, you might as
well forget about your job
[07:48] ---
and go visit a hot spring.
[07:54] Oto
Come back in one piece!
[07:56] Gin
And he certainly has enough
money to be golden!
[08:00] Gin
My eyes! This guy is blinding me!
[08:04] Gin
So my dull silver luster was
devoured by his golden shine?!
[08:08] Gin
That's why everyone forgot about
[08:10] ---
Gin-san and switched to Kin-san?!
[08:13] Gin
Seriously?! Are you serious?!
[08:14] Gin
Gin-san's given you over
sixty volumes of DVDs!
SIGN Year 1
SIGN Year 2 Year 1
SIGN Year 3 Year 2 Year 1
SIGN Year 4 Year 3 Year 2 Year 1
SIGN Year 5 Year 4 Year 3 Year 2 Year 1
[08:18] Gin
If you line up sixty volumes of DVDs,
[08:19] ---
that's enough room
[08:21] ---
for Tamo-san to take a nap!
[08:22] Gin
Sleep your heart out!
SIGN Young Jump
[08:24] Gin
Meanwhile, that guy's
only been on a single DVD
SIGN Kintama
Bonus DVD
[08:26] ---
that came with a volume of manga!
[08:27] Gin
You can't even fit Tamo-san's
sunglasses on that!
[08:30] Gin
He's still wet behind the ears!
[08:32] Gin
Yet, look at the love he's getting.
[08:36] Gin
In half a year, while I was gone,
[08:39] Gin
he's repainted this city,
this anime, from silver to gold?!
[08:43] Kin
So, Bro, about your request...
[08:47] Kin
Do you want to punish your wife,
[08:49] Kin
or do you want payback
on the other man?
[08:52] Kin
Which would you prefer?
[08:54] Gin
Neither.
[08:55] Kin
Huh?
[08:56] Kin
What do you want to do then?
[08:58] Gin
Forget about gold and silver!
[08:59] Gin
I'm going to paint this town red!
[09:03] Gin
Could you help me carry these DVDs?
[09:09] Gin
Oh, sorry!
[09:10] Gin
The sixty volumes are so heavy
that my hands slipped!
[09:13] Gin
You're going to die from the impact
[09:15] ---
of sixty volumes of DVDs to your skull!
[09:16] Kag
Kin-chan!
[09:17] Shin
Hey! What are you doing?!
[09:20] Gin
Kochikame VHS tape collection slam!
[09:22] Shin
Stop it!
[09:22] Gin
If I let him survive, it'll be big trouble!
[09:22] Gin
Complete One Piece DVD collection slam!
[09:23] Shin
Stop!
[09:24] Shi
Hey, stop it!
[09:24] Gin
Naruto slam!
[09:25] Gin
Bleach slam!
[09:28] Shin
Didn't you hear me tell you to stop?!
[09:33] Shin
What do you think you're
doing to our Kin-san?!
[09:33] ---
Kin-chan! Kin-chan, get up!
[09:35] Shin
You're despicable!
[09:36] Shin
Kin-san was trying to help
you, a total stranger!
[09:39] Kag
Kin-chan!
[09:41] Shin
How could you do this to him?!
[09:42] Gin
Hold on, Pachi-boy.
[09:44] Gin
I'm not a total stranger.
[09:47] Shin
Don't call me Pachi-boy!
[09:48] Shin
How do you have the nerve?
[09:50] Gin
Tell me you're lying, Kagura!
[09:53] Gin
This is all an act, right?
[09:54] Gin
You're trying to trick me again.
[09:57] Kag
Get lost.
[09:58] Kag
Never show your face
in this town again.
[10:01] Kag
If you come near Kin-chan
again, you'll get it.
[10:05] Gin
W-Wait, Shinpachi! Kagura!
[10:07] Gin
Who is this Kin-san you
keep talking about?!
[10:11] Gin
Didn't the three of us work
together as Odd Jobs?!
[10:14] Gin
Are you saying the
sixty volumes of DVDs
[10:17] ---
we spent together meant nothing?!
[10:20] Shin
What are you talking about?
[10:22] Shin
We spent sixty volumes of DVDs
[10:26] ---
with Kin-san!
[10:36] Shin
A-A samurai?
[10:45] Kin
Enough jabbering.
[10:47] Kin
Are you in heat, fool?
[10:56] Gin
Every episode's been edited!
[11:01] Gin
I-Impossible!
[11:02] Gin
This is... This is...
[11:06] Gin
Wh-Who would have done
an edit job worse
[11:09] ---
than To Love-Ru Doki Doki*?!*
[11:12] Kyu
You think you can beat the
lightning speed of my sword?!
[11:15] Gin
This one, too?!
[11:17] Otae
Is he okay?
[11:19] Otae
His hair's so wavy.
[11:20] Otae
Perhaps he needs help?
[11:22] Kyu
No, you should stay away from him.
[11:24] Kyu
He might be one of those
wavy-haired con artists.
[11:27] Kyu
Let sleeping waves lie.
[11:29] Otae
But we can't just ignore him.
[11:30] Otae
I know. Let's ask Kin-san for help.
[11:33] Kyu
Yes, Kintoki has helped us many times.
[11:37] Kyu
He'll know what to do.
[11:38] Gin
What's going on?
[11:40] Gin
This DVD is also...
[11:41] Sa
Guess who?
[11:44] Gin
Sa-chan!
[11:46] Gin
Do you recognize me?
[11:49] Sa
Who are you?!
[11:52] Sa
That's odd. I thought he was Kin-san.
[11:56] Gin
So this DVD is also...
[11:58] Tsu
What do you think?
[11:59] ---
This is the Kabuki district, where
Kintoki and his friends live.
[12:02] Hino
Oh, it reminds me of Yoshiwara.
[12:05] Sei
Right?
[12:06] ---
There's strands of torn-out
hair everywhere.
[12:08] Gin
And this one!
[12:10] Zura
Hurry, Elizabeth!
SIGN Win the Costume Grand Prix!!
[12:12] Zura
We've spent six months perfecting
[12:13] ---
our techniques to use against Kin-chan!
[12:16] Zura
Why would you do that?
[12:17] Zura
Cut me some slack!
[12:19] Zura
Okay, you pass!
[12:20] Gin
I-I haven't just been forgotten.
[12:24] Gin
My existence has been wiped
clean from this town,
[12:29] ---
from the sixty volumes of DVDs...
[12:31] Gin
Sakata Gintoki's accomplishments
and history
[12:36] Gin
have been stolen by Sakata Kintoki!
[12:49] Gin
Pops, give me another one
so I can forget everything.
[12:54] Pop
Honestly, you should
stop for the night.
[12:57] Gin
If it's money you're
worried about, don't.
[12:59] Gin
You'll forget I was
ever here soon enough.
[13:03] Pop
What are you talking about?
[13:06] Kin
Give me a hot one, Pops.
[13:07] Kin
One for this guy, too.
[13:09] Kin
Oh, sir. Thank you.
[13:11] Kin
There are times when men have no choice
[13:13] ---
but to drink.
[13:15] Kin
Right, Bro?
[13:17] Kin
What happened?
[13:18] Gin
Nothing.
[13:20] Gin
I have nothing left.
[13:24] Gin
Nothing at all...
[13:26] Kin
Did you lose at the tracks?
[13:28] Gin
Yeah, something like that.
[13:31] Gin
I gambled my life and lost
it all in a single night.
[13:35] Kin
A golden horse stole victory
at the very last second?
[13:44] Gin
B-Bastard!
[13:46] Kin
Calm down, Bro.
[13:48] Kin
I bought you a drink
as a peace offering.
[13:51] Kin
Sit down and join me.
[13:53] Gin
Don't mess with me!
[13:58] Kin
I told you to drink.
[14:00] Gin
B-Bastard!
[14:04] Gin
Who the hell are you?!
[14:09] Gin
What did you do to Shinpachi
and everyone else?!
[14:11] Kin
I didn't do a thing.
[14:13] Kin
Didn't you watch the DVDs?
[14:15] Kin
They should have been self-explanatory.
[14:17] Gin
Bullshit! I was the one
who did everything!
[14:20] Kin
But how can you prove it?
[14:23] Kin
You're the only one who believes that.
[14:25] Kin
Nobody can even remember you.
[14:29] Kin
I can guess what you're thinking.
[14:32] Kin
That I'm using illusions
to trick everyone.
[14:36] Kin
But there's another way to look at it.
[14:38] Kin
You're the one who's gone crazy.
[14:41] Kin
Your memories are all delusions.
[14:46] Kin
As you watched my success,
[14:49] ---
you began to think that you were me.
[14:53] Kin
Maybe, as you were watching
those sixty DVD volumes,
[14:56] ---
you were fantasizing that
they were about you.
[15:00] Gin
That's impossible!
[15:01] Kin
But you're the only person in
[15:03] ---
this world who thinks that way.
[15:05] Kin
Don't you get it?
[15:06] Kin
You're the one who's crazy.
[15:09] Kin
You're the only one complaining.
[15:12] Kin
Weren't you watching?
[15:13] Kin
Life goes on just fine without you.
[15:17] Kin
I dare say it's going better
than in your fantasy world.
[15:22] Kin
That's reality.
[15:24] Kin
Nobody's looking at you.
[15:27] Kin
Nobody needs you.
[15:30] Kin
Because I'm here.
[15:32] Kin
There's no place for you here.
[15:39] A
Hey, watch where you're going!
[15:41] B
Hold it right there!
[15:42] A
I told you to wait!
[15:43] Gin
Yeah, he's right.
[15:46] Mid
Damn drunk!
[15:48] Mid
Don't show your face
in this town again!
[15:51] Gin
I'm the one who isn't
needed in this world.
SIGN You Will Not Defeat Me!
[15:56] Gin
I'm the one who doesn't belong
in a prime time anime.
[16:01] A
Sir, time's up.
[16:04] B
S-Sir?
[16:06] C
Wait, look!
[16:07] Mid
B-Boss!
[16:10] Gin
I'm burned...
[16:12] Gin
Completely burned out...
[16:14] Gin
Not gold, not silver...
[16:17] Gin
I've been reduced to white ash.
SIGN The End
[16:23] A
Don't try to end the show so
you don't have to pay up!
[16:26] B
It's not over yet! There's
plenty more to come!
[16:29] B
Stand up!
[16:30] B
Stand up, bastard!
[16:48] Gin
Shut up, dog.
[16:50] Gin
Leave me alone.
[16:51] Gin
You can ignore a side
character like me.
[16:57] Gin
I told you to go away...
[17:05] Gin
Sadaharu...
[17:15] Gin
Sadaharu, do you recognize me?
[17:20] Tama
I found you.
[17:22] Tama
The gold hasn't gotten to
one person, one animal,
[17:29] Tama
and one machine.
[17:32] ---
I've been looking for you, Master Gintoki.
[17:37] Gin
Ta-Tama...
[17:38] Gin
Why are you...
[17:40] Tama
Do not worry.
[17:42] Tama
The rest of the world may
have forgotten about you,
[17:45] ---
but you will always
remain in my data bank.
[17:48] Tama
Because I always hold
the reset button when
[17:50] ---
I turn off the power and go to sleep.
[17:53] Tama
I'm sure you do the same thing.
[17:58] Tama
True,
[18:00] ---
your luster may not have
been as bright as gold...
[18:03] Tama
You only shined on occasion.
[18:08] Tama
You were always arguing and fighting.
[18:12] Tama
You had wavy hair. You were lazy.
[18:15] Tama
You were the king of sexual harassment.
[18:17] Tama
You never paid the rent.
[18:19] Tama
You paid your people late.
[18:21] Tama
Still, you were brighter than
the fake glint of gold plating.
[18:26] Tama
When you were angry, your
entire soul was enraged.
[18:29] Tama
When you laughed, you laughed
with all your heart.
[18:33] Tama
Your silver was much more beautiful.
[18:42] Tama
You haven't forgotten
that light, have you?
[18:45] Tama
You haven't allowed that fake
light to trick you, have you?
[18:50] Tama
In that case, you should stand
up and take this sword
[18:55] Tama
to repaint this world that
has been repainted gold.
[19:01] Tama
You will never lose to Sakata Kintoki.
SIGN Kin-chan has your back Odd Jobs Kin-chan
[19:04] Tama
You won't lose to a blond.
You won't lose to straight hair.
[19:08] Tama
You won't lose to gold.
SIGN Lake Toya
[19:10] Tama
Try to remember what
color your soul is.
[19:19] Gin
I haven't forgotten.
[19:21] Gin
I will never forget.
[19:24] Gin
My soul has been colored
by every one of you fools.
[19:31] Gin
It's a dirty silver!
[19:49] Gin
This isn't over yet.
[19:54] Gin
I'm just getting started.
SIGN Gintama Episode 253 Nobody with Straight Blond Hair Can Be That Good
SIGN Nobody with Straight Blond Hair
Can Be That Good
[20:12] Gin
We're taking back our color.
[20:14] Gin
We're taking down this world of gold!
SIGN Gintama Episode 253
Nobody with Straight Blond Hair
Can Be That Good
[20:18] Gin
Let's go!
SIGN Odd Jobs Kin-chan
[20:25] Gin
Uh, excuse me.
[20:27] Gin
Is Kintoki-kun here?
[20:29] Kin
Sorry, I'm taking a bath right now.
[20:32] Kin
Could you wait a bit?
[20:33] Gin
Oh, it's okay.
[20:35] Gin
Then I'll leave this letter
of challenge here.
[20:38] Gin
Oh, maybe I should just come back.
[20:40] Tama
What are you doing?
[20:42] ---
Are you here to fool
around? Are you an idiot?
[20:44] Gin
Well, for some reason, it feels awkward
[20:46] ---
to step inside my own home,
[20:47] Gin
but at the same time, I don't
want to wreck my own place.
[20:50] Tama
Come over here.
[20:51] ---
Do you believe we can
win without a plan?
[20:57] Tama
I'll be blunt.
[20:58] ---
The way things stand now, it's
impossible for you to win.
[21:01] Gin
Didn't you just say I will never lose?
[21:03] Tama
Straight blond hair, honest,
and fairly well-off.
[21:07] Tama
How could you ever defeat
someone who has conquered
[21:11] ---
every one of your weaknesses?
[21:13] Gin
Huh? What?
[21:14] Gin
Are you trying to beat my ass
[21:16] ---
or tear my rectum out of my ass?
[21:18] ---
Which is it?
[21:19] Tama
I'm beating your ass with your rectum.
[21:21] Tama
Start by reading this.
[21:23] Tama
You must know your enemy
before you can start a war.
[21:27] Gin
An instruction manual?
Are you serious?
SIGN Instruction Manual Confidential
[21:30] Gin
How am I supposed to find
information about him in here?
[21:32] Gin
He's not a plastic model.
[21:37] Kin
Sorry to keep you waiting.
[21:40] Kin
I was washing my head.
[21:45] Kin
Huh? Nobody's here?
[21:49] Tama
Yes, Sakata Kintoki was created
[21:52] ---
by Gengai-sama at the request of
[21:54] Tama
Shinpachi-sama and Kagura-sama
as a substitute Odd Jobs leader.
[21:58] Tama
A perfect Sakata Gintoki who
had overcome his weaknesses.
SIGN Ginpla Collection Perfect Kintoki
[22:06] Tama
The Perfect Super Golden Alloy,
Sakata Gintoki Unit 02.
[22:10] Tama
Or Kin-san, for short.
SIGN To be continued...
SIGN Kintoki and Gintoki
[23:46] Kin
Next time on Kintama:
[23:47] Kin
Kintoki and Gintoki.