E230 - It would take too much effort to make this title sound like a text message subject
Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN Kagura is broke, which is why she doesn't have a cell phone! But she wants to join in the text messaging fun!
SIGN Kagura manages to get her hands on a cell phone and makes an unexpected text pal!!
[01:42] Mari
So, that show was the best!
[01:45] Kagura
Yep, Kadono Takuzo did a great job as the boyfriend.
[01:49] Mari
Kagura-chan, that's a different show.
[01:51] Saki
Maybe I should watch it.
[01:53] Saki
But I want to start from the beginning.
[01:55] Mari
We can watch it together at my house.
[01:56] Mari
I recorded all the episodes.
[01:58] Kagura
Yes!
[01:59] Kagura
I can eat all the Happy Turns I want at Marippe's place!
[02:01] Mari
That's what you're interested in?
[02:04] Mari
I'll text you once I find out which day will work.
[02:06] Kagura
Text?
[02:07] Mari
Oh, Kagura-chan doesn't have a cell phone.
[02:09] Mari
I'll let you know in person once I get her text.
[02:16] Saki
Bye, Kagura-chan, Marippe.
[02:18] Mari
Saki-chan, text me your opinion of the show after you watch it.
SIGN It Would Take Too Much Effort to Make This Title Sound Like a Text Message Subject
[02:32] Kagura
Sadaemon!
[02:34] Kagura
Listen!
[02:35] Kagura
Giako and Suneko were showing off their cell phones!
[02:38] Kagura
These days, even babies are born with cell phones
dangling from their umbilical cords!
[02:43] Kagura
You never learn, Kagura-chan.
[02:45] Kagura
Cell phones are useful, especially at work,
[02:48] Kagura
but you'll need to check Gin-chan's four-dimensional pouch.
[02:53] Kagura
But I can't just ask him directly.
[02:56] Kagura
It would be so much easier if I could just text him.
[03:01] Gin
You don't need texting when you can
understand each other through your hearts.
[03:06] Gin
I'm sure you can understand how hard a cell phone is on the wallet.
[03:12] Gin
So shut that foul mouth of yours and sleep in the closet with me.
[03:19] Kagura
Don't be fooled, Kagura-chan.
[03:22] Kagura
Someone hacked into me and took control.
[03:25] Gin
You can drop the act now.
[03:26] Gin
Who sent you?
[03:27] Gin
Are you a spy from the Steel Troops?
[03:29] Kagura
Hey, don't say that! Riruru is our friend!
[03:33] Shin
Can't you talk to each other directly?!
[03:35] Shin
Why are you going through this convoluted process?!
[03:38] Shin
If you have something to say, say it to his face!
[03:41] Kagura
Mama, listen!
[03:42] Shin
Who's your mama?!
[03:43] Shin
Though my face is kind of similar!
[03:45] Kagura
We're the only ones who don't have cell phones!
[03:48] Kagura
At this rate, Odd Jobs will fall behind the times!
[03:52] Shin
Did you hear that?
[03:53] Gin
Enough of that!
[03:54] Gin
Our bamboo-copter is running on fumes
after paying for you and Sadademon's food.
[03:58] Gin
I don't need a cell phone to know how everyone feels.
[04:02] Gin
For example, Sadaemon wants to poop right now.
[04:05] Gin
And Mama read my mind and prepared a newspaper.
[04:08] Gin
So we don't need cell phones!
[04:10] Kagura
That's just a daily practice!
[04:12] Gin
If you insist on being selfish,
[04:14] Gin
you can use the Anywhere Door to join a family anywhere else!
[04:17] Kagura
Shut up!
[04:18] Kagura
I'll use the Air Cannon to knock off that funny hair!
[04:21] Gin
See? You know what I'm thinking!
[04:22] Gin
I was getting sick of this round hair!
[04:25] Shin
Uh, something's come out...
[04:25] Kagura
Sadaemon, drag stupid Papa into your four-dimensional pocket!
[04:28] Both
Huh?
[04:29] Shin
...of Sadaemon's four-dimensional pocket.
[04:33] Shin
Cell phones...
SIGN Doll House
[04:35] Gengai
I checked the data,
[04:37] Gengai
but the phones were busted to begin with, so I can't identify the owners.
[04:41] Gengai
The addresses were all changed to ne.jpuripuri.
[04:46] Gin
Well, they were covered in poop.
[04:48] Shin
Uh, why would that change the addresses?
[04:50] Kagura
So? Can we use them now?
[04:53] Gengai
You can't make calls.
[04:54] Gengai
The phone will add a puripuri to the end of everything you say.
[04:57] Shin
Isn't that more impressive than a working cell phone?!
[04:59] Gengai
You only have enough money for me to fix the texting function.
[05:08] Kagura
Yay!
[05:11] Kagura
Thanks, Gramps!
[05:12] Kagura
Thanks, Sadaemon!
[05:15] Gin
I don't want to carry around a cell phone that was covered in poop.
[05:19] Kagura
Humans are always carrying around poop.
[05:22] Kagura
The only difference is that it'll be in your hand instead of inside your body.
[05:24] Kagura
Give me those.
SIGN Odd Jobs
[05:27] Kagura
That should do it.
[05:28] Kagura
Now, we'll always be together, no matter where we go.
[05:32] Kagura
You have to carry this everywhere, okay?
[05:36] Kagura
Promise.
[05:39] Kagura
If you get lonely, you can text me!
[05:52] Gin
Man, why is someone calling me this early?
[05:56] Kagura
Good morning. It's a beautiful morning.
[06:05] Gin
What? It's already morning...?
[06:08] Kagura
Good night. Sweet dreams.
SIGN Bathroom
[06:19] Kagura
Good morning. Your poop is very smooth today.
[06:25] Shin
Okay, I locked the door today...
[06:26] Shin
Huh?
[06:29] Kagura
Good morning. Your poop is even smoother today.
[06:34] Gin
There it is! That's the cat!
[06:36] Gin
I'll circle around!
[06:37] Gin
You kids stay on its tail!
[06:43] Shin
Kagura-chan!
[06:45] Gin
Hey! Are you okay?!
[06:49] Kagura
I'm okay.
SIGN Snack Otose
[06:53] Kagura
Could you pass me the Kleenex?
[06:56] Kagura
Does this come in an M?
[06:58] Kagura
That M is for Michael.
[07:01] Kagura
Not that Michael. Michael Douglas.
[07:03] Both
Talk to our faces!
[07:05] Gin
Why do you have to text every little stupid thing?!
[07:08] Shin
And she's not even talking to us?!
[07:12] Shin
She's talking to a clerk in some clothing store!
[07:15] Kagura
No, this isn't a clothing store. It's a Michael store.
[07:20] Gin
Hey!
[07:21] Both
Cut it out!
[07:22] Gin
Who cares if it's M or Michael?!
[07:25] Otose
This is a surprise.
[07:26] Otose
I wouldn't have expected her to be so enthusiastic about a cell phone.
[07:29] Gin
This is more than being enthusiastic!
[07:30] Gin
She sends us pointless updates every five minutes!
[07:33] Gin
I'm sick of it!
[07:34] Cath
Girls love to chitchat through letters and the like.
[07:37] Cath
When I was in school...
[07:39] A
Pass this to Catherine.
SIGN Challenge
[07:41] Shin
How long ago was this?!
[07:43] Shin
And did everyone hate you?!
[07:46] Tama
Sometimes, it's easier to say things through
a written medium than talking face-to-face.
[07:51] Tama
This may be the real Kagura-sama.
[07:54] Tama
Are you replying to her?
[07:56] Gin
We can't do that.
[07:58] Gin
She's using text messages to talk to us now.
[08:01] Tama
It's possible that she keeps sending
texts because she's waiting for a reply.
[08:05] Otose
Men always act cool and never say what needs to be said.
[08:10] Otose
They expect other people to know how they feel.
[08:13] Otose
But sometimes, women just want to hear those words.
[08:17] Otose
Just send her a nice text.
[08:20] Otose
Here, this is your chance!
[08:22] Cath
Answer the phone!
[08:23] Cath
Respond with, "I'm actually a pedo!"
[08:26] Gin
I'll kill you, you rotten banana!
[08:27] Gin
Shinpachi, it's all yours.
[08:29] Shin
Gi-Gin-san!
[08:30] Otose
Well? What did it say?
[08:32] Cath
Move it, hag!
[08:33] Cath
I want to see!
[08:34] Shin
Hey, don't look at my phone!
[08:37] Cath
Hmm? Where are you right now?
[08:39] Tama
Wasn't she here just a moment ago? Why is she asking this?
[08:44] Shin
Huh? Now there's a text from Gin-san.
[08:46] Gin
Shut up! I'm at a pachinko-
[08:48] Otose
It's cut off.
[08:51] Otose
Was he replying to Kagura-chan?
[08:53] Shin
He accidentally hit reply to all.
[08:56] Shin
And he wrote his message in the subject.
[08:58] Otose
So he's actually replying to Kagura.
[09:01] Cath
Your wallpaper is gross!
[09:03] Shin
Shut up!
[09:03] Shin
Rotten banana on the ground!
SIGN You have a new message.
[09:05] Tama
Oh, there's another one.
SIGN Where are you right now?
[09:08] Cath
It's the same message again.
[09:09] Cath
Wait, is something wrong?
[09:11] Shin
Huh? I just noticed...
[09:14] Shin
This isn't from Kagura-chan...
[09:16] Shin
Who sent this?
SIGN Return the cell phone.
[09:23] Shin
Tell me where you are at once.
[09:24] Shin
If you leak the information in those phones, you're dead.
[09:28] Shin
It's from the owner of this phone!
[09:31] Otose
They're threatening to kill you...
[09:32] Otose
It must be someone dangerous.
[09:34] Cath
What kind of information is in this phone?!
[09:37] Shin
I don't know!
[09:38] Shin
Gengai-san said that the phones were busted and there wasn't any data left!
[09:43] Tama
In any case, you should contact Gintoki-sama and Kagura-sama.
[09:47] Shin
It's from Gin-san!
[09:48] Shin
Did they find him already?!
[09:51] Gin
Shut up! I'm at a pachinko
[09:53] Gin
parlor playing with balls!
[09:55] Shin
He's picking up from where his message cut off!
[09:58] Shin
What is he doing?!
[10:00] Shin
He just gave away his location to everyone!
[10:03] Tama
That means the owner will head straight to the parlor?
[10:05] Shin
Of course not!
[10:08] Tama
Oh, there's another text.
[10:09] Shin
It must be from the owner!
[10:11] Otose
Look at the message.
[10:12] Shin
I don't want to!
[10:13] Shin
Catherine-san, you look!
[10:14] Cath
Screw that! Aren't you a man?!
[10:16] Cath
Answer the phone, hag!
[10:16] Otose
Who are you calling a man?!
[10:18] Shin
Tama-san!
[10:19] Otose
Wh-What does it say?
SIGN From: Kyubei
[10:21] Kyu
You're playing with balls?
[10:24] Shin
Somebody completely different joined the conversation!
[10:27] ---
Did you come out of the closet?
[10:31] Kyu
Are you going to have an operation?
[10:33] Kyu
Can I have yours?
[10:35] Kyu
We need to talk.
[10:36] Kyu
Please reply.
[10:38] Shin
What is she talking about?!
[10:39] Shin
What does she want to do?!
[10:41] Tama
There are more messages.
SIGN From: Saigo
[10:43] Saigo
Welcome. I'm glad to hear that.
[10:46] Saigo
Tell Pako that he can become No. 1 at my place.
[10:49] Shin
This has turned into a completely different
conversation in a completely different world.
SIGN From: Tojo
[10:53] Tojo
What a coincidence.
[10:54] Tojo
I was also playing with balls.
[10:56] Shin
And this guy is in his own little world!
[10:59] Shin
Ah...
SIGN From: Zura Sub: It's not Zura, it's Katsura
[11:00] Zura
It appears that you're having trouble...
[11:03] Shin
Katsura-san!
[11:04] Zura
However, I assure you that I can ease your pain.
[11:09] Shin
Is he going to help us?!
SIGN The Perfect Happiness Theory The Joi Patriot Happiness Doctrine
[11:12] Zura
Join the Joi patriots and find happiness.
[11:15] Zura
We have a testimonial from Mrs. E who was able to find her happiness.
SIGN Mrs. E
[11:19] E
I didn't think it would be so easy to become a Joi patriot.
[11:24] Katsura
The Joi will help find your joy.
[11:27] Shin
It's just spam!
[11:30] Shin
And they're getting worse!
[11:32] Shin
Damn! This will never end!
[11:34] Otose
Hey, Shinpachi!
[11:38] Kagura
Gin-chan, I made a new text pal.
[11:43] Shin
Damn! Damn!
[11:45] Shin
Why aren't they replying?!
[11:46] Shin
What are they doing?!
[11:49] Kagura
I'm about to meet my new text pal.
[11:51] Kagura
I can't wait.
[11:52] Kagura
I'll introduce you some time.
[12:05] Shin
Kagura-chan!
[12:06] Shin
Whew, she finally saw my mail!
[12:09] Kagura
I'm meeting with my text pal offline.
[12:11] Kagura
He's a very nice person!
[12:12] Kagura
Death Cancer-san is also eager to meet you guys.
[12:16] Shin
Uh, that's not a text pal!
[12:18] Shin
I guarantee it!
[12:19] Shin
There's nothing peaceful about his peace sign!
[12:21] Shin
His name is Death Cancer!
[12:24] Shin
He got to her first!
[12:26] Shin
This isn't an offline meeting!
Kagura-chan's been taken hostage!
[12:31] Cancer
Your buddy is in my hands.
[12:34] Cancer
Bring the cell phones to the family restaurant on 2nd within 10 minutes.
[12:37] Shin
It's the owner!
[12:40] Cancer
You have 10 minutes.
[12:41] Cancer
No one has stood before my Death Cancer (claws of death)
for 10 minutes and survived.
[12:45] Cancer
I'm sure you know what will happen if you're late. (Murder.)
[12:50] Shin
This is bad!
[12:51] Shin
This guy is obviously one of those people!
[12:53] Shin
He's using emoticons I've never seen before!
[12:55] Shin
I've never seen anyone go (Murder) before!
[12:57] Shin
That settles it.
[12:59] Shin
This guy must be an assassin of some kind!
[13:00] Shin
W-We've picked up some unbelievable cell phones!
[13:04] Shin
Gin-san!
[13:05] Shin
He must have realized the danger we're in after seeing that text!
[13:09] Gin
Sorry, I'm at a pachinko
[13:11] Gin
parlor playing with balls real good.
[13:13] Gin
Could you give me ten more minutes?
[13:15] Shin
He still doesn't know how to use a cell phone!
[13:17] Shin
And he's still playing pachinko?!
[13:18] Shin
Doesn't he care about us?!
SIGN From: Death Cancer
[13:21] Death
What do you mean, real good? (Murder.)
[13:24] Shin
This is really bad!
[13:25] Shin
He's mad! It says (Murder)!
[13:27] Gin
I'm doing so well it's like the pachinko
[13:29] Gin
goddess of balls has blessed me!
[13:31] Gin
My balls are on a high!
[13:32] Gin
I can't stop! Can't stop!
[13:34] Shin
It's a miracle how his texts can sound so wrong!
[13:36] Shin
Stop it! Stop antagonizing him!
SIGN From: Death Cancer
[13:39] Death
No one has stood before my Death Cancer (claws of death)
for 10 minutes and survived.
[13:42] Death
Are you somewhere I can reach within ten minutes? (Must.)
[13:45] Shin
Hey! He wants to go to him now!
[13:47] Shin
And now it's a (Must)!
[13:50] Gin
Can you come to me?
[13:51] Gin
The name of the place is Fever.
SIGN Pachinko Fever
[13:53] Shin
You shouldn't tell him that!
[13:54] Shin
Run away! Gin-san, run away!
[13:57] Kagura
We're meeting up
[13:58] Kagura
somewhere different.
[13:59] Kagura
Hurry up, Shinpachi!
SIGN Balls Fever
[14:01] Shin
That's the wrong place!
[14:02] Shin
He's got it wrong!
[14:03] Shin
We sent Death Cancer to the wrong place!
SIGN From: Death Cancer
[14:06] Death
You lied to me.
[14:08] Shin
He's really mad in this message!
[14:10] Death
There are only 30 minute and 60 minute options.
[14:12] Death
There isn't a 10 minute option. (Murder.)
[14:15] Shin
That's why he's mad?!
[14:16] Shin
He would rather take the 10 minute option?!
SIGN From: Death Cancer
[14:18] Death
No matter then.
[14:19] Death
I'll be finished in 30 minutes, so we can meet up again in 40 minutes.
[14:22] Shin
So you're off to your fever?!
[14:25] Shin
Why did he even come here?!
[14:27] Shin
Doesn't he want his cell phones back?!
[14:29] Shin
Oh, that's right!
[14:30] Shin
This is my chance to tell Kagura-chan to run away!
[14:34] Kagura
Looks like we're still meeting
[14:35] Kagura
up at the same time.
[14:37] Shin
Ten minutes?! He didn't even last 10 seconds!
[14:39] Shin
How fast is this guy?!
SIGN From: Death Cancer
[14:41] Death
No one has stood before my Death Cancer (claws of death)
for 10 minutes and survived.
[14:45] Shin
Your Death Cancer is the one that couldn't survive!
[14:48] Shin
Stop posing!
[14:49] Gin
That's the wrong place.
[14:51] Gin
Kagura, show him the way.
[14:52] Gin
It's the place on the corner of 3rd where I'm always playing with balls.
SIGN Pachinko Fever
[14:56] Shin
You don't have to tell him this!
[14:58] Kagura
You mean here?
[15:00] Shin
Nobody told you to smash his balls into a corner!
[15:02] Shin
Hey! Is Death Cancer-san okay!
SIGN From: Holy Cancer Sub: (claws of hope)
[15:06] Holy
I feel like I just woke up from a very long nightmare.
[15:11] Shin
Who are you?!
[15:12] Shin
You're a completely different person, Holy Cancer!
[15:14] Shin
He's become enlightened after his balls were smashed!
[15:17] Holy
Forgive me... I just wanted my cell phones back.
[15:22] Holy
You see, those three cell phones
[15:23] Holy
each hold memories I can't forget...
[15:26] Holy
No, they hold memories I should never forget.
[15:29] Shin
Uh, shouldn't you tell us this after we meet up?
[15:32] Holy
I may sound eloquent over the phone,
[15:35] Holy
but I'm actually a shy man who can
barely look another person in the eye,
[15:38] Holy
much less talk to someone face-to-face.
[15:42] Holy
It must have been a twist of fate
that I ended up marrying such a talkative woman.
[15:49] Shin
He's doing a flashback through a text message!
[15:50] Shin
What's going on?!
[15:51] Shin
And you were a a barber?!
[15:54] Holy
I worked as a barber,
but I kept losing customers because I never talked much.
[16:00] Shin
I don't think that's why you lost customers.
[16:01] Holy
That was when my wife gave me a cell phone.
[16:08] Holy
She thought that I might be able
to speak through words, through a text message.
[16:12] Wife
The silent artist thing works,
[16:15] Wife
but you should learn to joke in front of your wife.
[16:19] Death
I-I'm too old to fool around with that text messaging nonsense.
[16:27] Wife
Yet you're still wearing those claws of yours.
[16:31] Death
The words which brought a rare smile to my wife's face
[16:34] Death
ended up being my last words to her.
[16:40] Holy
Those cell phones are filled with the words I was never able to say to her.
[16:47] Holy
They will never reach her,
[16:49] Holy
but they are still precious to me.
[16:56] Death
I went to a cabaret club today!
[16:59] Death
I went to a pink salon today!
[17:01] Death
I think I'll go all the way to Yoshiwara today!
[17:04] Both
Your messages are stupid!
[17:06] Gin
How could you send these dirty texts to heaven?!
[17:09] Holy
You've got it wrong.
[17:11] Holy
I was searching for heaven, so I could reach my wife.
[17:14] Shin
You're headed straight to hell!
[17:17] Holy
Those cell phones are priceless.
[17:21] Holy
Could you please return them?
[17:24] Gin
T-Texting is a pain in the ass anyway.
[17:29] Shin
We're not cut out for this high-tech stuff.
[17:33] Holy
R-Really?!
[17:35] Holy
Thank you so much!
SIGN Odd Jobs
[17:38] Kagura
Now, we'll always be together, no matter where we go.
[17:44] Shin
Come on, Kagura-chan.
[17:49] Kagura
No way.
[17:51] Shin
Kagura-chan...
[17:54] Kagura
I haven't received a text message yet.
[17:58] Kagura
That couple is connected, even though they're far apart.
[18:02] Kagura
Unlike us.
[18:05] Kagura
Stop dwelling in the past, stupid old man!
[18:08] Kagura
We're the ones who aren't able to say what we need to!
SIGN Message Sent
[18:12] Kagura
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
[18:17] Shin
Wait, Kagura-chan!
[18:18] Shin
Kagura-chan!
SIGN Odd Jobs
[18:46] Holy
I appreciate you coming to her third anniversary.
[18:51] Gin
We were brought together for a reason.
[18:53] Gin
Well, the reason involved poop.
[18:57] Shin
Anyway, I'm sorry.
[18:58] Shin
Kagura-chan still has that phone.
[19:01] Shin
I'll make sure that she returns it.
[19:03] Holy
It's okay.
[19:04] Holy
She helped me realize something.
[19:07] Holy
I wasn't doing it for my wife's sake.
[19:10] Holy
I was trying to make myself feel better.
[19:14] Holy
I'll stop sending text messages to myself.
[19:17] Holy
I'm sure that my wife was hoping
I would learn to speak with friends face-to-face.
[19:26] Holy
So I'll send the one final message that I've always wanted to send,
[19:30] Holy
and that will be that.
[19:35] Holy
Okay, I've said my goodbyes.
[19:39] Holy
Take good care of them.
[19:41] Shin
Huh?
[19:42] Holy
Please use them.
[19:45] Holy
Men always think that words aren't necessary to express how you feel,
[19:50] Holy
but in the end, you're left regretting
[19:54] ---
how you were never able to say those things.
[20:00] Holy
I don't want you to end up that way.
[20:05] Gin
Sorry, but we can't accept these.
[20:07] Holy
Huh?
[20:09] Gin
These gizmos are too small to express our twisted feelings.
[20:13] Gin
We're meant to communicate outside the network.
[20:17] Gin
Besides, you aren't finished with those yet.
[20:22] Gin
Your wife hasn't responded yet.
[20:27] Holy
Wh-What are you saying?
[20:30] Holy
She can't respond to me...
[20:35] Gin
That's the power of a text from Holy Cancer.
[20:38] Shin
It's not that strange for a text message to make it up to heaven.
[20:47] Holy
I see...
[20:48] Holy
My last message reached her...
[20:54] Wife
I should be thanking you.
[20:56] Wife
Have fun with your friends.
[20:58] Holy
When did she start using emotes?
[21:19] Kagura
Did it reach heaven?
[21:24] Gin
Beats me.
[21:25] Gin
If you got the message through to an idiot,
[21:27] Gin
you probably got it through to heaven.
[21:40] Holy
I suppose that they don't need these.
[22:00] Gin
Hey, why are you grinning?
[22:03] Gin
It's creeping me out.
[22:04] Shin
No kidding.
[22:05] Kagura
It's nothing.
SIGN When You Go To A Funeral For the First Time, You're Surprised By How Happy the People Are
[23:40] Toshi
Next time:
[23:41] Toshi
When you go to a funeral for the first time,
[23:42] Toshi
you're surprised by how happy the people are.
SIGN The owner of the restaurant Gintoki and Hijikata frequent has sadly passed away.
SIGN No more special mayonnaise on rice or Uji Kintoki on rice... As they say their farewells, they notice something odd about the owner?!